Offbeat Emails

Breakthrough Diet

2009-07-14T01:34:00.000-04:00

This is a specially formulated diet designed to help us cope with the stress that builds during the
day.

Breakfast
1 grapefruit
1 slice whole wheat toast
1 cup skim milk

Lunch
1 small
portion
lean, steamed chicken
1 cup spinach
1 cup herbal tea
1 Hershey's kiss

Afternoon Snack
The rest of the Hershey kisses in the bag
1 tub of Hagen-Daaz ice cream with chocolate chips

Dinner
4 glasses of wine (red or white)
2 loaves garlic bread
1 family size supreme pizza
3 Snickers Bars

Late Night Snack - Only women can understand this one
1 whole Sarah Lee cheesecake (eaten directly from the freezer)[Thus
helping with the hot flashes..]

Remember: Stressed spelled backward is desserts

Send this to four people and you will lose two pounds.

Send this to all the people you know (or ever knew) and you will lose
10 pounds.

If you delete this message, you will gain 10 pounds immediately.? That
is why I had to pass it on;? I couldn't risk it.

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Dog Visitor

2009-07-12T01:31:00.000-04:00

This is one of the best emails I have gotten in a while!

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar?and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of?

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;?
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the?
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard, walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar: 'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is

and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.

Can I come with him tomorrow?'

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Dementia Quiz

2009-07-10T01:16:00.000-04:00

Below are four (4) questions and a Bonus question to test your perception, reasoning and the quickness of your logical processing.
They are stated simply so you should try to answer them instantly.
To assure the accuracy of the results, you should not take your time , but instead, answer each of them immediately.

OK?

Let's find out just how clever you really are....

Ready? GO!!! (scroll down slowly to uncover Q's and A's )

First Question :

You are a participant in a race. You overtake the second person. What position are you in?

Answer : If you answered that you are first, then you are absolutely WRONG! If you overtake the second person and you take his place, YOU are in second place!

Try not to screw up next time. Now answer the second question, but don't take as much time as you took for the first question, OK?

Second Question :
I f you overtake the last person, then you are...?
(scroll down)

Answer : If you answered that you are second to last, then you are ; ; ; ;WRONG again. Tell me Sunshine, how can you overtake the LAST person??

You're not very good at this, are you?

Third Question :
Very tricky arithmetic! Note: This must be done in your head only. Do NOT use paper and pencil or a calculator.
Try it.

Take 1000 and add 40 to it. Now add another 1000 Now add 30 . Add another 1000 . Now add 20 . Now add another 1000 . Now add 10 . What is the total?

Scroll down for the correct answer.....

Did you get 5000 ?

The correct answer is actually 4100 ..

If you don't believe it, check it with a calculator!
Today is definitely not your day, is it ?

Maybe you'll get the last question right.... Maybe...

Fourth Question:

Mary's father has five daughters: 1. Nana, 2. Nene, 3. Nini, 4. Nono, and ? ?? What is the name of the fifth daughter?

Did you Answer Nunu? NO! Of course it isn't.
Her name is Mary! Read the question again!

Okay, now the Bonus round,
I.e., a final chance to
Redeem yourself:

A mute person goes into a shop and wants to buy a toothbrush.. By imitating the action of brushing his teeth he successfully expresses himself to the shopkeeper and the purchase is done.
Next, a blind man comes into the shop who wants to buy a pair of sunglasses; how does HE indicate what he wants?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

It's really very simple
He opens his mouth and ask for it....

Does your employer actually pay you to think??
If so Do NOT let them see your answers for this test!

PASS TH IS ON TO FRUSTRATE THE
SMART PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE!
Have a nice day, one and all.

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Very Brave Man Jokes

2009-07-08T01:05:00.000-04:00

How do you turn a fox into an elephant?
Marry It!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman?
A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?
1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

How are fat girls and mopeds alike?
They're both fun to ride until your friends find out.

What should you give a woman who has everything?
A man to show her how to work it.

Why is the space between a woman's breasts and her hips called a waist?
Because you could easily fit another pair of tits in there.

How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good?
Put a nipple on it.

Why do women rub their eyes when they wake up?
Because they don't have balls to scratch.

Why do women fake orgasms ?
Because they think men care.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes?
Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you
done wrong?
Made her chain too long

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman?
Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably
never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer
to the kitchen sink.

How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart?
When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women?
Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required
pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the
front door, who do you let in first?
The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman who won't do what she's told

I married a Miss Right.
I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by
90%..
It's called a Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives?
They want to.

Women will never be equal to men..
until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and
still think they are sexy.

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Shirley and Marcy

2009-06-22T07:35:00.000-04:00

A mom was concerned about her kindergarten son walking to school.

He didn't want his mother to walk with him. She wanted to give him the
feeling that he had some independence but yet know that he was safe.

So she had an idea of how to handle it. She asked a neighbor if she
would please follow him to school in the mornings, staying at a
distance, so he probably wouldn't notice her.

She said that since she was up early with her toddler anyway, it would
be a good way for them to get some exercise as well, so she agreed.

The next school day, the neighbor and her little girl set out following
behind Timmy as he walked to school with another neighbor girl he knew.
She did this for the whole week.

As the two walked and chatted, kicking stones and twigs, Timmy's little
friend noticed the same lady was following them as she seemed to do
every day all week. Finally she said to Timmy, 'Have you noticed that
lady following us to school all week?

Do you know her?'

Timmy nonchalantly replied,

'Yeah, I know who she is.' The little girl said,

'Well, who is she?'

'That's just Shirley Goodness,' Timmy replied, 'and her daughter Marcy.'

'Shirley Goodness? Who the heck is she and why is she following us? '

'Well,' Timmy explained, 'every night my Mom makes me say the 23rd Psalm
with my prayers, 'cuz she worries about me so much.

And in the Psalm, it says, 'Shirley Goodness and Marcy shall follow me
all the days of my life', so I guess I'll just have to get used to it!'

The Lord bless you and keep you; the Lord make His face to shine upon
you, and be gracious unto you; the Lord lift His countenance upon
you,and give you peace.

May Shirley Goodness and Marcy be with you today and always.

I know you smiled!

I sure did, Pass this on and brighten someone's day!

(thanks Paulette G.)

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5 Minute Management Course

2009-06-16T11:11:00.002-04:00

Lesson 1:

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift...

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.

The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily

and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:

If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Lesson 3:

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.

The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'

'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'

Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager..

The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after

lunch.'

Moral of the story:

Always let your boss have the first say.

Lesson 4

An eagle was sitting on a tree resting, doing nothing.

A small rabbit saw the eagle and asked him, 'Can I also sit like you and do nothing?'

The eagle answered: 'Sure, why not.'

So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the eagle and rested. All of a sudden, a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.

Moral of the story:

To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.

Lesson 5

A turkey was chatting with a bull.

'I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree' sighed the turkey, 'but I haven't got the energy.'

'Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?' replied the bull. They're packed with nutrients.'

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung, and found it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree.

The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch.

Finally after a fourth night, the turkey was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot him out of the tree.

Moral of the story:

Bull Shit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there...

Lesson 6

A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground into a large field.

While he was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on him.

As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, he began to realize how warm he was.

The dung was actually thawing him out!

He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy.

A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate.

Following the sound, the cat discovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.

Morals of the story:

(1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy.

(2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your

friend.

(3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep

your mouth shut!

THUS ENDS THE FIVE MINUTE MANAGEMENT COURSE

Send this to at least five bright, funny people you know and make their day!

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This is Why I Forward Jokes

2009-06-14T23:08:00.002-04:00

This explains why I forward jokes.

A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the
scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead..

He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for
years. He wondered where the road was leading them.

After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the
road. It looked like fine marble.. At the top of a long hill, it was broken
by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.

When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that
looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like
pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he
saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, 'Excuse me, where are we?'

'This is Heaven, sir,' the man answered.. 'Wow! Would you happen to have
some water?' the man asked.

Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right
up.'The man gestured, and the gate began to open.

'Can my friend,' gesturing toward his dog, 'come in, too?' the traveler
asked.

'I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets.'

The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued
the way he had been going with his dog.

After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a
dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been
closed. There was no fence.

As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and
reading a book.

'Excuse me!' he called to the man. 'Do you have any water?'

'Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in.'

'How about my friend here?' the traveler gestured to the dog.

'There should be a bowl by the pump.'

They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand
pump with a bowl beside it.

The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he
gave some to the dog.

When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was
standing by the tree.

'What do you call this place?' the traveler asked..

'This is Heaven,' he answered.

'Well, that's confusing,' the traveler said. 'The man down the road said
that was Heaven, too.'

'Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's
hell.'
'Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?'

'No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their
best friends behind.'

Soooo...

Sometimes, we wonder why friends keep forwarding jokes to us without writing
a word.

Maybe this will explain.

When you are very busy, but still want to keep in touch, guess what you do?
You forward jokes.

When you have nothing to say, but still want to keep contact, you forward
jokes.

When you have something to say, but don't know what, and don't know how, you
forward jokes.

Also to let you know that you are still remembered, you are still important,
you are still loved, you are still cared for, guess what you get?
A forwarded joke.

So, next time if you get a joke, don't think that you've been sent just
another forwarded joke, but that you've been thought of today and your
friend on the other end of your computer wanted to send you a smile.

You are all welcome @ my water bowl anytime!

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Sex, Church and Pancakes

2009-06-02T05:18:00.001-04:00

Sex

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family's status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion.
He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms

The girl burst out laughing an d reached over to hug her mother saying:

'Oh Mom! You don't have to worry about that! I'm dating Emma!'

Church

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher's hand. He said 'Preacher, I'll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!'

The preacher said, 'Thank you sir, but I'd rather you didn't use profanity.'

The man said, 'I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!'
The preacher said, 'No shit?'

Pancakes

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, 'Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.'

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm
pancakes in the middle of the table.

'Gee, Mom,' he exclaimed. 'For me?'

'Just take two,' Brenda replied . 'The rest are for your father

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No Speak English

2009-05-31T05:17:00.000-04:00

A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . The poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries..

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs.

Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts.

On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store...

(Please scroll down.)

;

What were you
thinking?

Her husband speaks English!

Now get back to your emails.

I worry about you
sometimes!

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Reasons For Having A Camera Phone

2009-05-29T03:44:00.003-04:00

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A Plan

2009-05-27T01:17:00.001-04:00

This is a suggestion that BO can use in the next 5 days!!!

Dear Mr. President,

Please find below my suggestion for fixing America 's economy.

Instead of giving billions of dollars to companies that will squander the money on lavish parties and unearned bonuses, use the following plan. You can call it the Patriotic Retirement Plan:

There are about 40 million people over 50 in the activework force. - Pay them $1 million apiece severance for early retirement with the following

stipulations:

1) They MUST retire Immediately. Forty million job openings - Unemployment fixed.

2) They MUST buy a new American CAR. Forty million cars ordered - Auto Industry fixed.

3) They MUST either buy a house or pay off their mortgage - Housing Crisis fixed.

It can't get any easier than that!

P.S. If more money is needed, have all members in Congress and their constituents pay their back taxes immediately...

If you think this would work, please forward to everyone you know.

If not, please disregard!

(courtesy Toni M.)

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First Celebrity To Die Of Swine Flu

2009-05-25T01:11:00.000-04:00

And we all know who the carrier is.

(courtesy Nakia C.!)

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Tweety Bird At 60

2009-05-23T01:07:00.002-04:00

It happens to all of us!!

(Courtesy Nakia C.)

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Jose and Carlos

2009-05-21T04:39:00.000-04:00

Jose and Carlos are beggars. They beg in different areas of
town. Carlos begs for the same amount of time as Jose, but
collects only eight or nine dollars every day.

Jose brings home a suitcase of ten-dollar bills every day
He drives a Mercedes, lives in a mortgage-free house, and

has a lot of money to spend.

'Hey, amigo,' Carlos says to Jose, 'I work just as long and hard

as you do, so how come you bring home a suitcase full of ten-dollar
bills every day?'

Jose says, 'Look at your sign, what does it say'?

Carlos' sign reads: 'I have no work, a wife and 6 kids to support.

'What's wrong with that?' Carlos asks him.

Jose says, 'No wonder you only get eight or nine dollars!'

Carlos says, 'All right, so what does your sign say?'

Jose shows Carlos his sign. It reads: 'I only need another ten dollars

to move back to Mexico.

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A Young Boy

2009-05-19T04:38:00.000-04:00

A young cowboy from Texas goes off to college, but half way through the semester, he has
foolishly squandered all his money. He calls home.

"Dad," he says, "You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a
program here in Texas A&M that will teach our dog, Ol' Blue how to talk!"

"That's amazing," his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send him down here with $1,000" the young cowboy says. "I'll get him in the course."

So, his father sends the dog and $1,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
"So how's Ol' Blue doing, son," his father asks.

"Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm," he says, "but you just won't believe this - they've had
such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!"

"Read!" says his father, "No kidding! How do we get Blue in that progra m?"

"Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class."

The money promptly arrives..

But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither
talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.

When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited. "Where's Ol' Blue? I just
can't wait to see him read something and talk!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive
home, Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal,
like he usually does.

Then he turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messin' around with that little redhead
who lives in town? "

The father exclaimed, "I hope you shot that son of a bitch before he talks to your Mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer.

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Very Interesting

2009-05-17T04:30:00.000-04:00

VERY
INTERESTING STUFF

In the
1400's a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed
to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb.
Hence we have 'the rule
of thumb'

------------
--------- --------- --------- ----

Many years ago in
Scotland , a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen
Only...Ladies Forbidden'.. .and thus, the word GOLF entered
into the English language.

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The first couple to
be shown in bed together on prime time TV was Fred and Wilma
Flintstone.

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Every day more money
is printed for Monopoly than the U.S.
Treasury.

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-- ------------ --------- --------

Men can read smaller
print than women can; women can hear better.

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Coca-Cola was
originally green.

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It is impossible to lick
your elbow.

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The State with the
highest percentage of people who walk to work:

Alaska

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The percentage of
Africa that is wilderness: 28% (now get
this...)

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The percentage of
North America that is wilderness: 38%

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------

The cost of raising
a medium-size dog to the age of eleven:

$ 16,400

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------

The average number
of people airborne over the U.S. in any given
hour:

61,000

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------

Intelligent people
have more zinc and copper in their hair..

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------

The first novel ever
written on a typewriter, Tom Sawyer.

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-- ------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------
--------- -

The San Francisco
Cable cars are the only mobile National
Monuments.

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------

Each king in a deck
of playing cards represents a great king from history:

Spades - King David

Hearts - Charlemagne

Clubs -Alexander,
the Great

Diamonds - Julius
Caesar

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--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

111,111,111 x
111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987, 654,321

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--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

If a statue in the
park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air,
the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in
the air, the person died because of wounds received in battle.
If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died
of natural causes

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------

Only two people
signed the Declaration of Independence on July 4, John Hancock
and Charles Thomson. Most of the rest signed on August 2, but
the last signature wasn't added until 5 years later.

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------

Q. Half of all
Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace

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------

Q. Most boat owners
name their boats. What is the most popular boat name
requested?

A.
Obsession

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------

Q.. If you were to
spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you
would find the letter 'A'?

A. One
thousand

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------

Q. What do
bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers and laser
printers have in common?

A. All were invented
by women.

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------

Q. What is the only
food that doesn't spoil?

A.
Honey

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------

Q. Which day are
there more collect calls than any other day of the
year?

A. Father's
Day

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---

In Shakespeare's
time, mattresses were secured on bed frames by ropes.
When you pulled on the ropes, the mattress tightened,
making the bed firmer to sleep on. Hence the
phrase..'Goodnight , sleep tight'

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------

It was the accepted
practice in Babylon 4,000 years ago that for a month after the
wedding, the bride's father would supply his son-in-law with
all the mead he could drink. Mead is a honey beer and because
their calendar was lunar based, this period was called the
honey month, which we know today as the honeymoon.

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--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

In English pubs, ale
is ordered by pints and quarts... So in old England , when
customers got unruly, the bartender would yell at them 'Mind
your pints and quarts, and settle down.'

It's where we get
the phrase 'mind your P's and Q's'

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------

Many years ago in
England , pub frequenters had a whistle baked into the rim, or
handle, of their ceramic cups. When they needed a refill ,
they used the whistle to get some service. 'Wet your whistle'
is the phrase inspired by this practice.

------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

At least 75% of
people who read this will try to lick their
elbow!

------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

-

Don't delete this
just because it looks weird. Believe it or not, you can read
it.

I cdnuolt blveiee
taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The
phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at
Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the
ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the
first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a
taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This
is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by
istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?

------------
--------- --------- --------- --------- --------- ---------
------

YOU
KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2009 when...

1. You accidentally
enter your PIN on the microwave.

2. You haven't
played solitaire with real cards in years.

3. You have a list
of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of
three.

4. You e-mail the
person who works at the desk next to you.

5. Your reason for
not staying in touch with friends and family is that they
don't have e-mail addresses.

6. You pull up in
your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is
home to help you carry in the groceries.

7. Every commercial
on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen

8. Leaving the house
without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first
20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic
and you turn around to go and get it.

10. You get up in
the morning and go on line before getting your
coffee

11. You start
tilting your head sideways to smile. : )

12 You're reading
this and nodding and laughing.

13. Even worse, you
know exactly to whom you are going to forward this
message

14. You are too busy
to notice there was no #9 on this list.

15. You actually
scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this
list

~~~~~~~~~~~AND
FINALLY~~~~~ ~~~~~~~

NOW U R LAUGHING at
yourself.

Go on, forward this
to your friends. You know you want to! Go lick your
elbow.

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New Boyfriends

2009-05-15T04:23:00.000-04:00

Marilyn

" Be the kind of woman that, when your feet hit the floor each morning, the devil says "Oh Crap, She's up!"

NEW BOYFRIENDS!!!

I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up,
Will Power helps me get out of bed

Then I go to see John .

Then Charlie Horse
comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves,
Arthur Ritis
shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!

Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with
Al Zymer

and thinking of calling JACK DANIELS or
JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company.
now remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper...the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes...so have fun, think 'good thoughts' only, learn to laugh at yourself, and 'Count your blessings'!!!!!!!

Live simply, love generously, and be kinder than necessary because most everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!!

NEW BOYFRIENDS!!!

I am seeing 5 gentlemen every day.
As soon as I wake up,
Will Power helps me get out of bed

Then I go to see John .

Then Charlie Horse
comes along and when he is here, he takes a lot of my time and attention.

When he leaves,
Arthur Ritis
shows up and stays the rest of the day. He doesn't like to stay in one place very long, so he takes me from joint to joint.

After such a busy day, I'm really tired and glad to go to bed with Ben Gay. What a life!

Oh, yes, I'm also flirting with
Al Zymer

and thinking of calling JACK DANIELS or
JOHNNY WALKER to come and keep me company.
now remember:
Life is like a roll of toilet paper...the closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes...so have fun, think 'good thoughts' only, learn to laugh at yourself, and 'Count your blessings'!!!!!!!

Live simply, love generously, and be kinder than necessary because most everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle!!

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Put On Your Glasses....

2009-05-13T16:20:00.001-04:00

HOW MANY CAN YOU FIND? I FOUND THEM ALL

I found them all and I have to admit that they weren't easy but they weren't that difficult either. I also made my wishes - can't wait to see if they come true.

You are going to need glasses after this.........

The Eye Test
Can you find the B
(there are 2 B's) DON'T skip or your wish won't come True...

RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

Once you've found the B

Find the 1

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII1III
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII

Once you found the 1..............

Find the 6

9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999699999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999
9999999999999999999999999999999999

Once you've found the 6...

Find the N (it's hard!!)

MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM

Once you've found the N...

Find the Q...
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOQOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Make 2 wishes!

>
>>
>>>
>>>>
>>>>>
>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>>
>>>>>>>
>>>> >>
>>>>>
>>>>
>>>
>>
>

OK, NOW THAT U MADE A Wish, IT WILL COME TRUE.....ALL U HAVE 2 DO IS FORWARD
TO 3 PEOPLE BUT IF YOU FORWARD TO MORE IT WILL HAPPEN SOONER!!!

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Maxine's 1st Day of Employment

2009-05-05T11:46:00.002-04:00

So after landing my new job as a Wal-Mart greeter,A good find for many retirees,I lasted less than a day......

About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud,Unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into the store with her two kids,

Yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.As I had been instructed, I said pleasantly, 'Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you have there. Are they twins?'

The ugly nasty talking woman stopped yelling long enough to say,'Hell no, they ain't twins! The oldest one's 9, and the other one's 7...

Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or just plain stupid?'

So I replied,'I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am,I just couldn't believe you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal-Mart.'

My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work.

(courtesy Cheryl P.!)

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Hey Mom....

2009-05-02T20:40:00.001-04:00

So, there I was .

just relaxing in front of the TV and then the kids yelled,
' Hey Mom, come see the kittens ! '
(courtesy Dedra B.)

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Okay Ladies, It's That Time Of The Year

2009-04-28T18:13:00.002-04:00

Alright ladies, it's that time of year once again!!! I think we need to be reminded of a few things. So my sisters, PLEASE, raise your big toes and repeat after me below...

The Open Toed Shoe Pledge
As a member of the Cute Girl Sisterhood, I pledge to follow the Rules when wearing sandals and other open-toe shoes:

I promise to always wear sandals that fit. My toes will not hang over and touch the ground, nor will my heels spill over the backs. And the sides and tops of my feet will not pudge out between the straps.

I will go polish-free or vow to keep the polish fresh, intact and chip-free.
I will not cheat and just touch up my big toe.

I will sand down any mounds of skin before they turn hard and yellow.

I will shave the hairs off my big toe.

I won't wear pantyhose even if my misinformed girlfriend, coworker, mother, sister tells me the toe seam really will stay under my toes if I tuck it there.

If a strap breaks, I won't duct-tape, pin, glue or tuck it back! into place hoping it will stay put. I will get my shoe fixed or toss it.

I will not live in corn denial; rather I will lean on my good friend Dr. Scholl's if my feet need him.

I will resist the urge to buy jelly shoes at Payless for the low, low price of $4.99 even if my feet are small enough to fit into the kids' sizes. This is out of concern for my safety, and the safety of others. No one can walk properly when standing in a pool of sweat and I would hate to take someone down with me as I fall and break my ankle.

I will take my toe ring off toward the end of the day if my toes swell and begin to look like Vienna sausages.

I will be brutally honest with my girlfriend/sister/coworker when she asks me if her feet are too ugly to wear sandals. Someone has to tell her that her toes are as long as my fingers and no sandal makes creepy feet look good.

I will promise if I wear flip flops that I will ensure that they actually flip and flop, making the correct noise while walking and I will swear NOT to slide or drag my feet while wearing them.

I will promise to go to my local nail salon at least once per season and have a real pedicure (they are about $20 or $25 and worth EVERY penny).

I will promise to throw away any white/off-white sandals that show signs of wear... nothing is tackier than dirty white sandals.

Don't ! keep this is to yourself - pass it on to other sisters.

(courtesy Bev J.)

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New Pledge of Allegiance

2009-04-28T15:36:00.001-04:00

Since the Pledge of Allegiance and The Lord's Prayer
are not allowed in most Public schools anymore......
Because the word 'God' is mentioned...
A kid in Arizona wrote the attached.

NEW School prayer :

Now I sit me down in school

Where praying is against the rule

For this great nation under God

Finds mention of Him very odd.

If Scripture now the class recites,

It violates the Bill of Rights.

And anytime my head I bow

Becomes a Federal matter now.

Our hair can be purple, orange or green,

That's no offense; it's a freedom scene.

The law is specific, the law is precise.

Prayers spoken aloud are a serious vice.

For praying in a public hall

Might offend someone with no faith at all

In silence alone we must meditate,

God's name is prohibited by the state.

We're allowed to cuss and dress like freaks,

And pierce our noses, tongues and cheeks.

They've outlawed guns, but FIRST the Bible.

To quote the Good Book makes me liable.

We can elect a pregnant Senior Queen,

And the 'unwed daddy,' our Senior King.

It's 'inappropriate' to teach right from wrong,

We're taught that such 'judgments' do not belong.

We can get our condoms and birth controls,

Study witchcraft, vampires and totem poles.

But the Ten Commandments are not allowed,

No word of God must reach this crowd.

It's scary here I must confess,

When chaos reigns the school's a mess.

So, Lord, this silent plea I make:

Should I be shot; My soul please take!

Amen

(courtesy Dedra B.)

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First Time Sex

2009-04-26T15:50:00.000-04:00

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday

night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.

Since this is such a big event, the girl announces

to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like

to go out and make love for the first time .

The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to

get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his

first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an

hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about

condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks

the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so

excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!'

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner

table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy

quickly offers to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in

prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still

no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes

with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'

The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea

your father was a pharmacist.'

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The Unusual Funeral

2009-04-26T14:22:00.002-04:00

A woman was leaving a 7-11  with her morning coffee when she noticed a

Most unusual funeral procession

Approaching the nearby cemetery.

A long black hearse was followed by a second  hearse about 50 feet behind.

Behind the second hearse was a solitary woman  walking a Pit Bull

dog on  a leash.

Behind her were 200 women walking single  file.

The woman couldn't stand the curiosity. She respectfully approached

the woman walking the dog and said, "I am so sorry for

your loss, and I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never

Seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"

The woman replied, "Well, that first hearse is for my husband,"

"What happened to him?"

The woman replied, "My dog attacked and  killed him."

She inquired further, "Well who is in the  second hearse?"

"His mistress. She tried to help my  husband, then the dog turned on her."

A poignant and thoughtful moment of

Silence passes between the two women. 
"Can I borrow the dog?"
"Get in  line."

(courtesy Dedra B.)

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May The Luck Of The Irish Be Upon You

2009-04-21T05:29:00.001-04:00

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, "I almost had an affair with another woman."

The priest said, "What do you mean, almost?"

The Irishman said, "Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped."

The priest said, "Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You're not to see that woman again.

For your penance, say five Hail Mary's and put £50 in the poor box ..."

The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box.

He paused for a moment and then started to leave..

The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying; "I saw that. You didn't put any money in the poor box!"

The Irishman replied, "Yeah, but I rubbed the £50 on the box, and according to you, that's the same as putting it in!"

~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~
There once was a religious young woman who went to Confession. Upon entering the confessional, she said,

"Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

The priest said, "Confess your sins and be forgiven."

The young woman said, "Last night my boyfriend made mad passionate love to me seven times."

The priest thought long and hard and then said, "Squeeze seven lemons into a glass and then drink th e juice."

The young woman asked, "Will this cleanse me of my sins?"

The priest said, "No, but it will wipe that smile off of your face."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be saying' a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there are some

Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."

Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?"

Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And my favorite:

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: "I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times."

Priest: "Are you sorry for your sins?"

Man: "What sins? "

Priest: "What kind of a Catholic are you?"

Man: "I'm Jewish."

Priest: " Why are you telling me all this?"

Man: "I'm 92 years old ... I'm telling everybody."

(courtesy Ginger C.)

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