Office Life Defined

ExcelTrauma

2010-09-03T09:20:00.000+02:00

The traumatic feeling after you have spent hours trying to sort out why on earth Excel is not showing the right totals in your pivot table or waterfall chart, when your colleagues cleverly points out you missed one cell in your calculation.

Paperjamrootcause

2009-10-09T13:03:00.000+02:00

The tiny piece of torn paper in the photocopier, easily seen but impossible to remove, that causes the paper to jam (thanks to Chris Torrero).

Toolatesneer

2009-10-06T13:59:00.000+02:00

The perfect sneer that you think of an hour after your colleague made a sarcastic remark at your expense during the team meeting.

Paperjamhorribilus

2009-09-30T20:54:00.000+02:00

The paper jam in the printer, which happens five minutes before that very important meeting with your manager and where a group of colleagues around the printer give you dirty looks because it was your print job that caused the paper jam.

Goodolddaysbore

2009-09-18T16:09:00.000+02:00

The type of “experienced” colleague who will tell you in length that your new idea isn’t new, has been tried before in the past, will fail miserably and why the past was so much better than today.

Whispernay-sayers

2009-09-13T21:05:00.000+02:00

The small group of colleagues in the back of the meeting room during your presentation, whispering amongst themselves, snickering and in general showing complete disapproval for whatever you say.

Project success factor

2009-09-04T09:25:00.002+02:00

The inverse correlation between the number of committees, dashboards, progress meetings and external consultants; and the chance of a project succeeding within time and budget.

Whatever-you-do-it-will-be-the-wrong-thing email

2009-08-30T09:16:00.001+02:00

The cryptic e-mail from your manager asking you to do this really important thing for him/her while he/she is on holiday, but you have no clue what it is about and your manager cannot be reached to clarify.

Oh

2009-08-24T22:37:00.001+02:00

The slightly disconcerting feeling you get when you report back to your manager on the first day back in the office after your summer holiday, and your manager says he didn’t even notice you were gone.

Llanfairpwllgwyngyll

2009-08-23T09:45:00.001+02:00

The type of manager or consultant that cannot convey his/her ideas unless scribbled and drawn feverishly on a white board, which later on make no sense and look more like Sanskrit or hieroglyphs.

Bryn y Brath

2009-08-21T20:59:00.000+02:00

Also known as "Darth Breather", this is the obnoxious person on your teleconference who breathes really loud in his headset and does not respond to your polite request for everyone to go on mute while you are presenting.

About "Office life defined"

2009-08-21T20:26:00.006+02:00

Recently I re-read the brilliant psuedo-dictionary "The meaning of Liff" by Douglas Adams and John Lloyd. To summarize this book: "In life and, indeed, in liff, there are many hundreds of common experiences, feelings, situations and even objects which we all know and recognize, but for which no words exist. This text uses place names to describe some of these meanings."
The authors collected hundreds of these definitions and labeled them with authentic names of British towns and villages.

A few good examples which we all can relate to:

ADLESTROP (n.) That part of a suitcase which is designed to get snarled up on conveyor belts at airports. Some of the more modern adlestrop designs have a special 'quick release' feature which enables the case to lip open at this point and fling your underclothes into the conveyor belt's gearing mechanism.

POPCASTLE (n.) Something drawn or modelled by a small child which you are supposed to know what it is.

GLENTIES (pl.n.) Series of small steps by which someone who has made a serious tactical error in a conversion or argument moves from complete disagreement to wholehearted agreement.

Then I realized that the universe called "the office" also has a wide spectrum of feelings, experiences, characters etc. for which we need a definition.

Like Douglas Adams I will try to capture these definitions and label them. Do send me your suggestions, so we can make this into the ultimate office pseudo-dictionary.

- Dennie Heye

Seagull management

2009-07-08T21:22:00.001+02:00

The seagull manager flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything then flies off again leaving a big mess behind.