Office Spam™

guy walks into a restaurant

A guy walks into a restaurant and sits at a table. He Tells the waitress, "I'll have a Bloody Mary and a menu."

When she returns with his drink, he asks "Still servin' breakfast?" When she says yes, he replies, "Then I'll have two eggs-runny on top and burnt on the bottom, five strips of bacon well done on one end and still raw on the other, two pieces of burnt toast and a cold cup of coffee."

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Indignantly, the waitress says, "We don't serve that kind of stuff in here!"

The guy says, "Funny, that's what I had in here yesterday!"

Iowa flooding vs New Orleans flooding

80,000 PEOPLE VOLUNTEERED TO FILL AND LAY SANDBAGS. THEY ARE THE ONES IN THIS COUNTRY THAT WORK, PAY TAXES, AND DON'T WAIT FOR SOMEONE FROM WASHINGTON TO HELP.

MAKES YOU WONDER - WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN IOWA (THE HEARTLAND OF AMERICA ) AND NEW ORLEANS ? NEW ORLEANS EXPECTED THE GOVERNMENT TO REBUILD THEIR CITY AND THEIR HOMES. IOWA JUST DEALT WITH IT. Where were the Hollywood celebrities holding telethons asking for help in restoring Iowa and helping the folks affected by the floods? Where was good old Michael Moore?

Why did the media NOT ask the tough questions about why the federal government didn't solve this problem?
....Asking where the FEMA trucks and trailers and food services were?

Why didn't the Federal government move Iowa's people into free hotels in Chicago and Minneapolis?

When will Spike Lee say that the Federal government blew up the levees that failed in Des Moines?

Where were Sean Penn, Bono, and the Dixie Chicks?

Where were all the looters stealing high-end tennis shoes, cases of beer and television sets?

When will we hear Governor Chet Culver say that he wants to rebuild a 'vanilla' Iowa .... Because that's what God wants?

Where was the hysterical 24/7 media coverage complete with reports of shootings at rescuers, of rapes and murder?

Where were all the people screaming that George Bush hates white, rural people? Where were Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt, Oprah, and Ray Coniff Jr?

Cows take refuge from flood.

How come after two weeks, you never heard about the Iowa flooding ever again? Where were the government bailout vouchers? The government debit cards?

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What the heck made New Orleans so valuable that the federal government spent billions there, but not in Iowa?

This piece of office spam was submitted by the What do they eat website. To read more from what do they eat follow these links! I really love this site!
What do polar bears eat? | what do ladybugs eat? | what do opossums eat? | what do possums eat? | what do sparrows eat? | What do starfish eat? | what do cane toads eat? | what do wild toads eat? | what do small toads eat? | What do tuna eat? | what do weasels eat? Make sure to check back often to see what other animals he has added to his list of what animals eat!

An atheist was walking through the woods

"What majestic trees! "
"What powerful rivers!"
"What beautiful animals!"
He said to himself.

As he was walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look. He saw a 7-foot grizzly bear charging towards him.

He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was closing in on him.

He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer. He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw that the bear was right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him.

At that instant the Atheist cried out, "Oh my God!"

Time Stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.

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As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky. "You deny my existence for all these years, teach others I don't exist, and even credit creation to cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"

The atheist looked directly into the light and said, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps you could make the BEAR a Christian?"

"Very Well," said the voice.

The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. And the bear dropped his right paw, brought both paws together, bowed his head & spoke:

"Lord bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty through Christ our Lord, Amen."

I need to remember to go to sleep early tonight.

The piece of office spam was submitted by what do butterflies eat

Always Check your children's homework

This is a good example why you should always check your child's homework!
Mommy works at Home Depot, she was selling a shovel.

]]> Mommy works at Home Depot, she was selling a shovel. Children are so innocent!

The piece of office spam was submitted by Jon

Redneck Smoke Detector

You know you are a redneck when.....
Redneck Smoke Detector

]]> The piece of office spam was submitted by KW

Career Choices

An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men his age, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it. One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table four objects.

1. A bible.
2. A silver dollar.
3. A bottle of whiskey.
4. And a Playboy magazine.

"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself. "When he comes home from school today, I'll see which object he picks up.

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If it's the bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a business man, and that would be okay, too. But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunken bum, and Lord, what a shame that would be And worst of all if he picks up that magazine he's going to be a skirt-chasing womanizer."

The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's foot-steps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his room.

The boy tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.

Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink, while he admired this month's centerfold.

"Lord have mercy," the old preacher disgustedly whispered. "He's gonna run for Congress."

This piece of office spam was submitted by Office Spam

home depot scam

A "heads up" for those men who may be regular Home Depot customers.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 20-21 year-old girls come over to your car as you are packing your shopping into the trunk. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

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When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say "No" and instead ask you for a ride to another Home Depot. You agree and they get in the backseat. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet. I had my wallet stolen November 4th, 9th,10th, twice on the 15th, 17th, 20th, & 24th. Also, December 1st, 4th, twice on the 8th, 16th, 23rd, 26th, 30th, three times last Saturday and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful.

P.S. Walmart has wallets on sale 2.99 each

This piece of office spam was submitted by http://www.serpentinebeltdiagram.com/

Radisson SAS Hotel in Berlin

One of the most exciting hotels in Berlin Mitte, the 5 star Radisson SAS Hotel features the world's largest cylindrical aquarium with 2,500 tropical fish. The AquaDom is 25 metres high and situated in the hotel lobby.

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Here is a shot from the ground up.

This piece of office spam was submitted by http://www.sanibelislandhotels.info/ , which supplies information on hotels located on Sanibel Island in Florida. Please feel free to visit this site and thank them for they post.

Launching a New Boat Goes Bad

One 65' custom-built motor yacht replete with 4 staterooms, state-of-the-art OK CB...Hope your luck is a lot better when it is time to launch you yacht...

galley, GPS System and navigation radar, twin supercharged diesel engines, etc.

Cost:........................................ $4,500,000.00
Being prepared for maiden launch. Crane transfer from quayside to water.

Other costs

Crane + rigging + labour engaged for 2 hours.......................................... = $2,500.00

Champagne, chocolate-covered strawberries with cream ................... = $300.00

Music dockside for 'soon-to-be-owners' and a small group of friends.... = $500.00

Photographer to capture the happy moment..................................................... = $350.00

..and then......

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Watching from quayside as a ( $55.00 ) faulty turnbuckle on the hoisting rig collapses, the serpentine belt snaps & your dream boat nosedives into the harbor with two corporate representatives [ one in the bridge and the other seen 'hanging' in the stern ] performing the handover routine just prior to inking the final paperwork...

This nifty piece of Office Spam was submitted by JPAC.

Olympic Firing Sqad

The Olympic Spirit is live and well in China.

I don't know about you, but doesn't this cartoon make you want to visit Beijing for the Olympics this summer.

]]> This post was originally posted on a blog post called Olympic Spirit.

This piece of office spam was borrowed from gid

Thanks For the Warning

If you were around in 1919 and saw this poster:

Lips-That-Touch-Liquor-Shall-Not-Touch-Ours

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Would you really quit drinking?

History Mystery: The Lincoln and Kennedy Connection

Have a history teacher explain this... if they can.

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln , was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908.

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John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln , was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theater named 'Ford.'
Kennedy was shot in a car called ' Lincoln ' made by 'Ford.'

Lincoln was shot in a theater and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theater.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker...

A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.

Engineering Question of the Day

Q.) How much does a house weigh?

A.) Just a tad more than a rural two-lane bridge can hold, apparently.

House collapses bridge. This is a picture of the back of the house

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House collapses bridge. This is a shot from the front of the house.

I hope the home was insured.

So, would this be covered by house insurance, car insurance, or does it come under roadside assistance with AAA?

This piece of Office Spam was submitted by the Viatical Life Settlements web site.

Application for Permission to Date My Daughter

NOTE: This application will be incomplete and rejected unless accompanied by a complete financial statement, job history, lineage,current medical report from your doctor and personal reccomendation from your clergy.

NAME______________________ DATE OF BIRTH_____________

HEIGHT_______ WEIGHT________ IQ______ GPA_________

SOCIAL SECURITY #___________ DRIVERS LICENSE #__________

BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES__________________________________________

HOME ADDRESS____________________ CITY/STATE___________ ZIP______

Do you have parents? ___Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? ___Yes ___No
If No, explain:
_____________________________________________________________
_____________________________________________________________________

Number of years they have been married ______________________

If less than your age, explain
____________________________________________________________________
____________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes __No
B. A truck with oversized tires? __Yes __No
C. A waterbed? __Yes __No
D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes __No
E. A tattoo? __Yes __No
F. Do you have an earring, nose ring,
pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? __Yes __No

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?

______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________

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REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend
___________________________________________________

How often you attend
________________________________________________
When would be the best time to interview your:
father? _____________
mother? _____________
pastor? _____________

SHORT-ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.
A: If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
____________________________________________________
B: If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
____________________________________________________

C: A woman's place is in the:
____________________________________________________

D: The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
____________________________________________________

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?
______________________________________________________________
______________________________________________________________
F. When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
____________________________________________________
G. What is the current going rate of a hotel room? __________________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE.

_________________________________________________________
Applicant's Signature (that means sign your name, moron!)

_____________________     _____________________
Mother's Signature       Father's Signature
____________________     _____________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi    State Representative/Congressman

Thank you for your interest, and it had better be genuine and non-sexual. Please allow four to six years for processing.

You will be contacted in writing if you are approved. Please do not try to call or write (since you probably can't, and it would cause you injury). If your application is rejected, you will be notified by two gentleman wearing white ties carrying violin cases. (you might watch your back)
To prepare yourself, start studying 10 Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter.

This nifty piece of Office Spam was submitted by Rebecca M.

The Art of Political Spin by Hillary Rodham Clinton

Political Spin techniques and how the are packaged.

Judy Wallman, a professional genealogical researcher, discovered that Hillary Clinton's great-great uncle, Remus Rodham, was hanged for horse stealing and train robbery in Montana in 1889.

The only known photograph of Remus shows him standing on the gallows. On the back of the picture is this inscription:'Remus Rodham; horse thief, sent to Montana Territorial Prison 1885, escaped 1887, robbed the Montana Flyer six times. Caught by Pinkerton detectives, convicted and hanged in 1889.'

Judy e-mailed Hillary Clinton for comments. Hillary's staff sent back the following biographical sketch:

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Remus Rodham was a famous cowboy in the Montana Territory. His business empire grew to include acquisition of valuable equestrian assets and intimate dealings with the Montana railroad. Beginning in 1883, he devoted several years of his life to service at a government facility, finally taking leave to resume his dealings with the railroad. In 1887, he was a key player in a vital investigation run by the renowned Pinkerton Detective Agency. In 1889, Remus passed away during an important civic function held in his honor when the platform upon which he was standing collapsed.

And THAT is how it's done folks.