Oh FFS by Daisy

High School Never Ends

2012-05-03T22:23:00.000+10:00

It's official high school never ends. I've been away from the institution of twenty years and still I am haunted by it with my upcoming school reunion. I look back at those five years and realize it left me with a few important things my best friend in the world and my love of art and literature. Apart from that high school was basically pure hell for me.
I had a very limited friend base because I chose to like what I liked and didn't care what others thought of me for it. I wasn't a kid that studied hard,infact I didn't study at all, I didn't ditch classes because where else was there to go in a small town.

I hated maths with a passion and I still do. I worked after school to earn money to buy all the things I loved, CD's, stereo equipment,books and the odd bottle of booze for a party.
I was nice to most the people at school I didn't have my first boyfriend until I was 15 and Facebook made me glad he was my then boyfriend and not my now one.He used to be a rebel and now I can't see what got me so excited about him.

My best friend hated me for a full 12 months in high school. Thank God she got over whatever was up her ass,because to be honest I can't remember what it was all about,but I do remember that it got nasty. We are still friends I think because we know each others embarrassing secrets and the word blackmail gets tossed around a lot.

I remember the popular group that were all really just people who's parents gave them the easy life, which involved cash and freedom to do basically whatever they wanted as long as they didn't get caught.I actually had a few of these people as friends outside of school but at school I was persona non-grate.

I'm thinking back to the not so distant past,not only because of my 20 year reunion, I also had to walk through my old high school with my daughter at my side. I never planned for the latter to happen I had plans to be far from this place by the time the kids were old enough to be attending high school. That plan worked for a bit but then after my divorce I headed for familiar ground, so here I am.
The place still smells the same, eucalyptus trees and something I've never been able to place. I even spotted a few teachers that I tortured when all they did was try and educate me. I hope I've made amends to these educators by sending them my non rebellious, eager to learn spawn and not her hellion twin sister who not only would fight them every step of the way,but is to smart for her own good.

My reunion will be interesting and instead of running in the opposite direction screaming,I have decided to go and see what hand fate has seen fit to deal all of these people I spent my teen years observing. Sure there are a few that I hope have gained 40kg and have been effected by gravity in a bad way,but I hope some of them made it in the world.

I also have realized that high school never ends because as a parent I have to listen to all the complaints of bitchiness, be informed of who's doing who and be thankful that my girls think that the first years of high school is not the time to be sleeping with boys. Sometime my daughters even come home with stories that make me wish I was back there because it may never end but high school has changed for the better in so many ways.
I never had a teacher notice if I was having a rough time but now they are all over it socially and academically. I looked at all the high tech toys they have in classrooms and the fact the system now recognizes that some kids learn better practically not theoretically. Improvements have been made.

Now I must get back to finding the perfect dress for the reunion, yes I'm still not afraid to be different and I know I will be judged. At this time in my life that judgement will be like water off a ducks back. I'm tall, I'm blonde,my ass doesn't need a wide load sign (yet) and I have a kick ass attitude, so even if someone does call me by that nickname that used to make me cringe, I can turn around, smile and say "Mattel are still making Barbie Dolls because we are classic".

Six Degrees of Seperation

2012-01-08T12:07:00.001+10:00

I have a complaint and it's to the serial chatters that can't step away from the keyboard and into the real world. Yes most of us have made friends on places like Yahoo,ICQ or Live Messenger. We have also made friends at the pub, the racecourse, the beach, the grocery store or maybe through our work.

When you catch up with a friend you met 6 years ago while at a job you've since moved on from, you don't say "at work" but a chatter will say " in chat". This drives me insane
I mean yes it was nice to meet you put a face to the ID and maybe if your lucky remember your given name the one your parents chose for you. I have made some awesome friends ( non serial chatters) through chat rooms back in chats hey day, now I only lurk during my holidays or if the kids are elsewhere occupied and want anything to do with me.
The friend you met at the pub won't expect you to know whats going on in the lives of everyone else at the bar that night, but a chatter will. The chatter expects you to be up to date with all the gossip even when you haven't been in a room in months.

Yes, I hear you all saying if you can't handle the heat stay out of the kitchen, but I do enjoy a bit of a chat now and then. What I don't enjoy is the fact that I know a person a chatter knows it means I must have met them in chat. It's a small world and I've traveled I don't need a chat room to have a 45% chance of knowing somebody that lives on the other side of Australia from me without the benefit of chat and that chance increases with the more social circles that we have in common.

Facebook's mutual friends list sometimes makes me go WOW! six degrees of separation. My x boyfriend, from 20 yrs ago sister, knows your brother. That kind of thing.
It's always intrigued me how the dynamics of the chat friendship works.
When I first started to chat I assumed I'd never meet these people that were locked inside my computer but over the years I have reached out and met a few and some of those weren't by design they just happened to be in the same vicinity.
some I've held onto in the real world but the serial chatters I still say hello to if I slink into a chat room apart from that I'm not running off to spend time with them.

The few I've met and enjoy spending time with I'd bend over backwards to see again or to help out, even if I'm not in their lives on a daily basis. these are the ones that don't just connect to me as a chatter but as a real live person.

Where the hell are my comments!?

2012-01-06T00:46:00.001+10:00

Yes as the title says WHERE THE HELL ARE MY COMMENTS?

I write, you read and yes I know you read and if you don't read I know most of you Google "elephant sex" in your spare time. It's all there in black and white stats.

I figure I've been patient waiting for my first comment to arrive but noooo it's a non event. Come on, you'd think someone warped enough to write a story entitled "elephant sex" would warrant a comment as it's one of the interwebz users favorite topics.

Yes I'm a demanding cow but FFS you'd think a little feedback wouldn't damage your keyboards. Obviously I was wrong. If you don't want to shame yourself by leaving a comment please at least share my dribble with your friends, see I can compromise.

Maybe write me a lil story on why none of you can leave a comment I don't care how ridiculous or twisted it maybe it's just be nice one day to wake up and be able to read something.

One again let me re iterate..... Where the hell are all my damn comments?!!!?

Dating Horrors Be True To Thy Self

2012-01-03T22:05:00.000+10:00

Being a single parent I've tried to get back into dating numerous times, for a lot of reasons. I've in the past run block for friends, I've tried internet dating and meeting people through friends and so far none have been a great success.

I have a friend that tells me that it's probably because I have to many prejudices, and another friend that doesn't get why I don't have men lined up round the block, but really I think it's because I'm 36 years old and I'm not as good as I once was.

I'm carrying probably 15kg more weight than I was 4 months ago that I'm desperately trying to shift. I have problems letting people get close to me ( I know I need to take the barrier down) and I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing.

When I was younger it was easier go out get my drink on and dance till dawn and during that time find somebody I was attracted to.

Now I can't even decide what I'm looking for in a man other than I want him to have his own life and not live in my hip pocket.

I am not a gold digger I don't know anyone with enough money to dig anyway. I like to pay my own way in this world. I like to live within my means and I like honesty.

I am not desperate for someone to love me, I'm pretty happy on my own which brings me to my point, all the desperate and dateless women I have come across that use internet dating sites and the chances they take. Some don't even tell anyone else that they are getting dressed to the nines and running out to meet a potential axe murder.

One lady tells me that she sent 100's of dollars to a US Army Colonel who needed money to take care of his dying daughter while he served in South Africa. He told her he had no access to his bank accounts.

I have no idea why this didn't yell SCAM very loudly at her but no she believed him even though the facts that the US army takes care of it's own and that if he can't access bank accounts how is he sitting on the internet all night talking to her. HELLO!! It occurred to me these women have more money than sense and are desperate to be loved no matter what the consequences happen to be.

I don't ever want to fall into the above category I'd rather remain single for the rest of my life and become the crazy cat lady of my street scaring small children, maybe even becoming an urban legend.

I hope to find a keeper one day but I don't NEED to find one.

Almost Instant Karma

2011-09-14T20:07:00.000+10:00

Today I put out good vibes and helped by working in a shop run by volunteers to raise money for the needy in my community. I got dusty, chased by bees and now I'm soaking my feet. The world paid me for my bit of work by sending me a letter I've been waiting 10 years to receive.

I stood looking at this letter to make sure it was real and not some cruel joke,then I rang child support to make sure they really did send it. The wonderful piece of paper stated I was being sent $3600.00. I asked the poor man on the phone who had to deal with my babbling shocked ass if my ex husband sent them this money to pass on to me. I was told no they had intercepted the money that was sent to them by a third party,but they couldn't tell me the source. Thank- you mysterious third party whoever you are. $48,400 to go, but 3 grand is nothing to be sneezed at when I never thought you'd see a cent.

I hope the person who directed the money to me has a long and happy life if I could find them I'd say thank-you in person. This will go along way to making life easier at the moment. Oh and thanks to the nice government man on the other end of the phone,who understood why I was acting like a crazed lady who won the lottery.

It still leaves me speechless

2011-09-11T23:30:00.002+10:00

September,11, 2001

10 years have past, but it will never be far from my mind

Slow Saturday

2011-09-10T19:33:00.000+10:00

Yes today I'm lazy so I'll leave you with this gem.

A kid sat on the stairs with his cat and his Smarties. As his mum watched, he put a Smartie in his mouth, licked the cat and moved down a step. He then put another Smartie in his mouth, licked the cat again and moved down another step. His mum, puzzled at his actions, asked, "What are you doing?" He replied "I'm getting some practice in for when I'm older "Hows that?" his mum asked, "I'm poppin' pills, licking pussy and moving on"

What if? Oh the possibilites

2011-09-07T00:48:00.000+10:00

A friend posed some questions to me that made me think and I had to answer them of the top of my head.
My answers could be as short or as long as I felt was right. The only thing was they had to be off the top of my head,with minimal thinking.

So without further adieu here is what I came up with.

1 What would you do if you saw your ex husband again after all these years?

I only plan to see him at his funeral so I'll be the one in the bright red dress doing a little jig and smiling a lot.But what would I do? I'd make sure he was really in the box and that they nailed that fucker shut real tight. I might even slap him to make sure he's not faking.

2 What would you be doing right now if you didn't have kids?

I'd be racking up one hell of a credit card debt traveling the world and behaving badly as I'd have no one I needed to set a good example for.

3 What do you want to be when you grow up?

Patsy from Ab Fab I could totally handle being her. living the high life of young men and liquor. No actually I don't handle hangovers as well as I used to so maybe a relatively sober version. I will speak my mind and not give a shit who thinks what about it. Oh and I plan to out live my ex husband just because I need to see him buried.

4 Do you have any regrets in life?

Showing that one guy I could get my feet behind my ears,I'm still trying to get rid of him. Seriously no, I can't even regret marrying Boris if that disaster never happened I wouldn't have my 3 beautiful kids.

5 Your most embarrassing moment?

Eating a beetroot sandwich with my best friend while watching a Mr Bean episode,when said friend made me laugh so hard I vomited all over her floor. I still can't watch Mr Bean and not cringe with shame.That was a purple pukey mess. I don't have any others I can remember because I was to fall down drunk,people will tell you things I should be ashamed of, but I don't believe it unless they come bearing photographic evidence.

6 How's it been being single for so long?

To be honest I miss regular sex,it was the only thing Boris was any good at. All the ones since pale in comparison,I don't like the old adage " Bad sex is better than no sex at all",ever laid there wondered why the hell does this guy think he's so gifted? when counting sheep was far more entertaining, I have.on the plus side there is no one to ask me what I'm doing,where I'm going or "can you iron this shirt for me?"

7 Do you ever see yourself in a long term relationship again?

Yes if Mr Right comes along I'm more than willing to give it a go, I might even re marry one day, stranger things have happened. Sadly though I can't see this happening anytime in the near future.

8 Younger men, would you do the cougar thing?

No, of course I look and wish I was 15 years younger, they just didn't make them like that when I was young and carefree. I just couldn't do it and I want to be the one with the big strong man looking after me as I've never tried that before and it looks like fun. I don't want to have to act like a baby sitter. So no I'm not cougar material.

9 If you could say anything to any two people without any backlash what would it be?

Even if there was fallout I'd tell my ex husband what a son of a bitch he was ,not for what he did to me,I'm passed that,but for the fact he walked out of the lives of 3 children that are growing up without him. He left them with no contact, emotional or financial support. I would also point out the fact that he has tried to replace them with a passel of brats but guess what asshat there is no replacing perfection.Then just for good measure I'd probably kick him in the balls to make myself feel a bit better. Anyway as I said before I'll see him at the funeral.
As for person number 2 I'd tell her to pull her head out of her ass. Take a look around at the world so she can see whats she's missing by being a self righteous bitch all the time. Life is passing her miserable ass by and she needs a wake up call before she turns into one miserable old lady who is very lonely. I'd make it clear that she has to stop walking over people and that sometimes it doesn't hurt to say a kind word or two instead of running everyone into the ground.

10 Your perfect man?

Perfect doesn't exist so lets say one I could love and learn to live with. He would have to love the outdoors,music and travel. Honesty is everything in my world so he'd have to be that too. Taller than me would be a bonus along with handsome.For once some one to look after me would be nice as I said so he's have to be willing to take up that challenge too.Oh and have a great smile.

11 Your worst trait?

I'm lazy,if there is something I don't want to do I'll put it off or try to find some one else to do it, as long as possible,but if it really must be done I'll do it, I'll just take my sweet time getting to it.

Culture, My Kids Don't Have It

2011-09-03T21:01:00.000+10:00

My kids were watching TV today and I parked my bum on the couch too. After watching the dribble they call TV I tried to explain to them what good TV was. I told them about The Trapdoor, the blue guy Bourke and all the monsters he battled, but they argued that The Legend of Dick and Dom is far better. Dick and Dom piss me off but I will admit I snickered the first time I heard the shows name. Yes my mind makes frequent trips to the gutter, somethings can't be helped.

Bourke the blue dude

This discussion soon turned into the great crappy TV show debate. I admitted to liking Sponge Bob but preferred The Muppet show. Statler and Waldorf beat Sponge Bob and Patrick hands done for cutting wit.

My 2 fave grumpy old men

We then started on what I watched when I was a small child and they laughed their ass's off about the man from the moon with a pencil for a nose. Mr Squiggle rocked who else could call out "Miss Jane. Miss Jane.Your pulling my leg"as a hot blonde tried to stop him floating away. This must have been the start to all those trips my mind takes to the gutter. I loved Gus the Snail and Bill Steamshovel, Mr Squiggle's co stars. The ill tempered blackboard was annoying but I suffered him just so I could see what weird upside down drawings the man from the moon would end up doing.


Gus


Mr Squiggle

These guys entertained me most days after school. I was sorry to see them leave the air.

After being laughed at for my low brow entertainment choices I left the room with " Try Wylie Coyote and The Roadrunner ".

I try to educate my children on the classics but obviously I don't cut it in this area.

Ode to my Darling Son- Underpants and a Crack Free Home

2011-09-01T22:22:00.002+10:00

You my big boy are now 10 years old and I'm surprised you've made it this far living with 3 women.
You still manage to be a boy and do boy things like live on your Playstation and hang out with the giant grease rag dog until you come inside smelling just like he does. I love you to pieces my little man, I knew you were going to be a boy the minute I knew I was pregnant,yeah yeah that's just one of Mummy's many spooky gifts. You are the easiest kid to get to clean your room and make your bed.
I love you even though you broke my tail bone when you were bringing your 12lb self into this world and made sitting one of the most painful things for about 6 weeks.

You make me so proud but you do have a few drawbacks. I have only a few complaints as I will list below.

1.You piss all over the toilet seat, FFS lift it up or if it's an aim control issue sit down like a girl to pee.I'm so sick of having to clean up the smelly ~~miss~~ mess you leave behind when you trot out the door. Do I have to go back to putting ping pong balls in the toilet with targets drawn on them like I did when you were 2? Not to mention you have a penchant for shredding toilet paper when your sitting bored trying to take a dump, this habit annoys the crap out of me because I walk into the bathroom and it looks like a paper shredder threw up.

Image: Marco Torresin / FreeDigitalPhotos.net

2. The fact that I spend a lot of my hard earned money on all different styles of underpants in an experiment to find out what style you will actually continue to wear on a daily basis. Boxers,briefs,Calvin Klein style trunks and still you go commando. Please dude I don't care what style you wear as long as you wear something. I am awaiting the time when your older and you get your dick caught in the zipper and wished you'd listened to me your wise mother. I promise I will laugh my ass off and cackle "Told you so." I may even post the event to Facebook, so lets save the embarrassment by wearing jocks.

3. The taunting of your big sisters. I do understand the need to tease them, but your not a plumber you don't need to walk around with your ass crack hanging out just to make them scream. I know for a fact you only do it to get them to react and they do every time. As for me if I wanted to see ass crack I'd go and hang out at a construction site. Please make my home a crack free zone.

4. The last thing on Mummy's bitch list honey, is that if you must swear like a sailor please do it where I can't here you, so that I can still live in the fairy world that allows me the illusion that I bought up a well spoken polite son, you know the one where my ass still looks like it did before you and your sisters showed up. I know you use manners everywhere you go, unless you think no one can hear you. Well guess what in my house I hear everything whether I want to or not ,super hearing is just part of being a kick ass mum. This is how I know you use the word vagina as another method to make your sisters scream "Feral" and make my ears suffer from over exposure to high pitched bullshit.

I just got up from my keyboard to get coffee and as I passed your bedroom I looked in at you and your the sweetest dude when your asleep, please try to keep up the good work in your waking hours.

Remember I love you further than my arms will stretch,
Mum x

Gorgeous Galah

2011-08-30T11:49:00.001+10:00

I will eat you and your little camera too

Meet Gorgeous the Galah he is beautiful to look at and loves a scratch when the mood takes him. He's an endless source of amusement, he has no manners what so ever and it doesn't seem to bother him in the slightest.

He calls it as he sees it if he doesn't like you he'll start out telling you to go home and if you don't leave his line of sight, he'll tell you to piss off. He does bite and his retaliation if you escape his savage beak is to call you a lil bitch. He will suck you into putting you hand in the cage by saying "Hello.Scratch?" then he moves like lightening to latch on to your finger, so far no blood has been drawn. After you escape with your finger he'll say "HA HA" just like Nelson from The Simpson's.

He will spend hours preening my daughters hair while muttering "bird fresh". He swims in summer in a big blue dish he calls his pool and hangs out in his double rings which he is so proud of owning.

My sister D is always threatening him with galah and pumpkin stew when he's screaming when she is trying to sleep after working night shift.So now he thinks her name is Pumpkin. while everyone else he comes in contact is called Gorgee.

About 3 weeks ago he escaped the big cage he lives in andf I didn't think he'd ever come home my daughter and I spent an entire weekend walking around looking up calling "Gorg come for scratch" the neighbours must have thought we had gone insane. We could see him in the highest trees laughing at us and saying NO. In the end I resorted to yelling "Come see your Goggy" - The Goggy is Benny the German Shepard he and Gorgeous love each other. So Gorgee flies in to flea his Goggy and Benny licked him and rolled him onto his back so I grabbed him and carried him back to his cage amid lots of swearing (his). I still have skin off my knees where I dove on the cement to catch the bloody bird. He's a bastard bird but he's family and I wouldn't trade his smart mouthed biting bird ass for anything. I was so glad to have him home that I took the kids out to dinner to we could celebrate his return.
If he had of stayed free there would be no fingers to bite, no grapes to eat and no people to cater to his every desire.As well as a lot of dangers to face.

Gorgeous hanging in his rings pretending to be shy

A Typical School Morning

2011-08-29T20:09:00.006+10:00

5-30 this morning I was awoken by screams,I thought there had been a tragedy but now was only Miss T looking for a hair brush and the screams were those of frustration.

FFS we have at least 11 hair brushes in this house and a few combs and at 5-30am what do you need one for why the hell are you even awake.I muttered as much and rolled over and went back to sleep. Miss T has always been an early riser even if she has been awake until midnight the night before. I on the other hand am definitely not a morning person I'd sleep to 9 at least, if the universe wasn't conspiring against me.

I didn't here anything again until my alarm went off at 7 and T yelled good bye, again I wonder the bus doesn't arrive until 7-45.I know she spends most of the extra time talking to the neighborhood animals like the horses across the road, evidence of this has been the dwindling apple supply.
At 7-10 I drag my darling son out of bed to claims of I don't like school I don't want to go and school is only for dumb ass's. I say fine if it's only for dumb ass's you'll fit right in because you are going to school even if I have to drag you there and tie you to your chair. Miss D is already up and wandering around like a zombie, she's really not a morning person either. D and I wander around the kitchen while bratty son is claiming not to be able to find his shoes.I walked in picked them up tossed them his way and told him he must of had a boy look. A boy look is when they claim to have looked for something but were really just staring at the ceiling for 15mins.
I toss together lunches and make sure they are not left sitting on the kitchen bench.I make them all move towards the car most mornings this involves saying good bye to the birds and hugging the dogs,this morning I was watching close to make sure Par didn't hug the dog,because he's not just a giant German Shepard this morning he's a giant bounding ball of fur and diesel sump oil.I am still trying to scrub the oil stains of my leg where he rubbed it all over me yesterday afternoon before going back to where the truck oil change had been done and rolling in the oil puddle some more.

The Greasy oil sharer AKA Benny

I finally get them all in the car when Mr P remembers he's left his homework sitting on the kitchen table,I tell him to run back and I'd meet him at the front gates but at all costs avoid the Benny dog that's waiting to ambush him.
At the gate we wait for Mr P to arrive and open it.Once we get through the gate we drive towards town, we don't live out in the boondocks or anything we just live on an acreage when the giant dog can roam free with his boy. I turn on the radio it plays the news,all bad news so I flip to a CD and Trace Adkins fills up the car with "One Hot Mama" and does bugger all to brighten my morning.I feel bad for just pulling on a pair of jeans ,a sweater and my faithful old Nike's. At least brushed my hair.

Anyway we get to school I force kisses upon them, kick them out, tell them I love them and that I'll see them in the usual pick up place this afternoon. Now to go home and dodge the oil dog until my Dad who owns the front half of the dog(whole other story)washes him.

Update Benny has been washed and 20mins after finishing this blog I had a phone call from the school Miss D had thrown up on her teachers shoes and could i please come and collect her.

Farts are Funny

2011-08-27T19:37:00.002+10:00

Farts are funny it's a fact. As much as I tell my son off for sitting next to me and farting, I look around to see people who smirk,giggle and just plain laugh their asses off when confronted by the evil noxious invisible gas that can be silent but deadly or loud and proud.

My best friend may not fart in the elevator but if someone does and she notices,she will claim it as her very own while sporting the biggest grin. My son makes fake farts with his hand under his armpit or behind his knee and he's inexplicably amused by this talent.

Back in school there was always the kid when we played Charades who would give the movie sign hold up 4 fingers to signify 4 words, fart loudly and then leave the room.......Gone with the Wind.

If someone asks "Who farted?" in any setting there will be giggles and remarks, maybe even praise as well as few looks from non approvers.

Farters come in all shapes and sizes we all do it just how we do it differs.

Sleepers - The people who fart in their sleep and still have a lil chuckle.
Smelly Yobbo - The person who drops a real stinker and says "Sniff it up it's good for ya!"
The Silent ASSassin- This farter will fart silently in a room but is so fragrant all the people will gag while racing for a door or window. This can sometimes be so powerful it will follow the perp from the room.
Flammable Farter- The goof off who grabs a lighter lighting his fart on fire, also managing to singe the hairs on his ass and gets the occasional blister.
The Ducthy - A favourite of men who fart in bed and then holding the girlfriend's/wife's head under the covers. This act produces screaming,fighting and sometimes retaliation. Pay back can be a real bitch.
The Animal Blamer- The person that farts,stinks and then looks at the dog and proclaims loudly "You dirty dog!"
Which farter are you?

A friend once told me about walking through a supermarket and over hearing a little boy in the next isle ask his Dad to buy him some lollies Dad says "No' the kid asks "Why? " and the reply was "Because I am bigger than you and can fart louder than you" I guess that kid didn't get his lollies.

If cows are contributing to global warming due to all the roughage they eat, aren't vegetarians too?

Fart Facts

The average human will excrete about a litre of fart gas per day.
A burp is a good fart wasted.

Fart gas rises as it's hot air.

Women's farts have a higher concentration of odor-causing gases than men's farts thus making them smellier.

Ringtones have been made from the common fart.

Want to know more on farting? There have been books written on the subject,websites dedicated totally to this humorous bodily function and medical studies dedicated to the humble fart.

Get to Know Me

2011-08-24T23:02:00.001+10:00

Gone with the Wind is one of my favourite books.Scarlett is a pain in the butt but I love her never give up attitude,she always gets what she wants. I love history and the great plantation houses.

I love music from nearly all genres.

I hate liver it makes me throw up in my mouth a bit just thinking about eating it. Once while staying at a friends house I paid her brother $5 to eat mine.It was a house rule to eat everything on your plate.

My family I love them but they are a freak show without the tent.Somethings don't need to be changed.

I have lived in every state of Australia.

My biggest fears are crocodiles and clowns,they will both eat you if your not careful.Oh and lets not forget going through labour again.

I believe in the paranormal I've seen to many things not to,it's something I was born with but have never seeked to control and hell yes it can be scary.

In high school I had a crush Patrick Swayze. The man was hot,hot,hot.

I have never ever cheated on a partner or skipped school.

When I was a little (aged 4) I said to a cop "How you going Pig Man?" and stopped my Dad from getting a ticket because the cop almost died laughing. 3 weeks later the same cop pulled Dad over again just to say "Hi"

My best friend and I have driven through a McDonald's drive through in a fake car while making car sound effects.

My first kiss was with a guy named Julian.

I am trying to be a responsible grown up that completes tasks and makes good decisions.I'm only doing this for my children without them I'd probably be out every night making friends and travelling to distant places on a whim. I'd probably also be hung over at least 3 days a week instead of 3 days a year.

Billy Connolly is my favourite comedian.His looks,his accent and the fact he says "Fuck" a lot when telling a story.How can you not love the guy?

Being a single Mum is my biggest challenge to date. It's scary and rewarding all at the same time.There are days I want to runaway from home but I don't. I do the job 24/7 and just the other day I realised I only have 8 years left until they are all legal adults.

My best friend is crazy and I love her for it.She has made me laugh until I've thrown up.

FACT a burger is not a real burger without beetroot on it.

My Favourite movie quote is from Paul. "Alright Fucknuckles! It's probing time"-Paul the Alien

Divorce is expensive but it's worth every cent. I agree heartily with this statement.

I suck at mathematics when under pressure.

I can drive a stick shift but prefer not to. I'm one who inspired the saying "If you can't find them,grind them".

I sleep on average less than 6 hours a night. This may explain why I can act a bit loopy.

I'm genuinely surprised that my post Elephant Sex has gotten over 500 views.Mind you it hasn't had one damn comment though either.

I hate cruelty to children and animals.

If I told you anything more I'd have to kill you, so I'll leave you to mull this all over.

Now to take blogging seriously

2011-08-23T13:16:00.000+10:00

I have been blogging on and off for a while,but now I have time to take it seriously.A few weeks ago I became a member of the unemployed thanks to the Education Department doing some re arranging. So I'm going to take advantage of this time to spend some time catching up on some great books,housework,movies and blogging.

I am pretty new to writing but I'm not new to reading and have become an avid fan of many blogs. All my kids are at school during the day so after I clean up their messes,I'll have time to vent,share my weirdest thoughts and review a few things.

I have a warped sense of humour so please don't say you weren't warned. So now all I have to do is write so buckle up, enjoy the ride and please keep your hands inside the carriage at all times.

We all have one

2011-08-23T11:21:00.001+10:00

I'm sure everyone has one,you know that family member that knows everything and is completely abrasive making everyone around them walk on egg shells. Lucky Lil old me has two and they come as a package deal my sister and her husband.
My sister is the always right part of the package she can do no wrong while the rest of us poor suckers can do no right. She has never experienced the world and her life is very sheltered but she knows everything just ask her.
As for the brother in law well I can understand his lack of social skills when I look at his family but that doesn't give him the right to take credit for other peoples hard work while he's making my younger sister and I look like complete assholes to anyone that will listen. We have put up with him kissing our parents asses for a long time and have tried to ignore the bullshit that flows from his mouth every time he opens it.He's sneaky too, as nice a pie to our faces but behind the scenes he just keeps mowing us down I think this maybe a skill he's learnt from his wife so thinks it's totally acceptable but this morning the asshat had a rude awakening.

I called him at work and let fly about the hours I put into cleaning our pool just for him to come a long and fuck it all up and then when questioned had the hide to say I was the one messing with the chemical levels. While in the middle of my tirade he then asks if I always ring people and abuse them I said "No it only happens after some prick has been making me seem incompetent for years" and continued on to tell him if he wants to be in our family he needs to act like family.
I then had the courage to go and tell my parents that I just ripped him a new one knowing that later he'd be crying on their shoulders.Dad well he just kind of chuckled as Dad is a watcher and sees all but Mum well she's all stressed about any confrontations in the family being a Libra she's a fence sitter and hates any upsets.
It was only 3 months ago when my youngest sister and I admitted to feeling used and abused because no one ever says thank-you for all the shit we do.
If D and I ever split our guts on what really happens on the property when the owners are away well it would be the beginning of the end. We feed animals that are not ours we take care of things that need to be done,that otherwise would be left undone.While the above mentioned perfect pair take all the credit and get thank-yous.
When D and I moved out of home we never got new furniture given to us we had to make it on our own,but walk into my sisters house and she always has new furniture arriving and she is more than happy to point out it's a thank you gift from our Mum, we try not to let this get to us but damn it's getting kind of hard to ignore. I know for sure that our Dad doesn't know a thing about all the thank-you gifts. D and I would be happy with a verbal "Thanks" but none seem to be coming our way. So as of now I am going to say "No I can't babysit your kid and No I can't feed your dog when your off on vacations the rest of us can't afford".

Looks like I'm done with all the bullshit now I'm just sitting back and waiting for the fallout of my yelling fit that's built up over the last 5yrs when sister dearest steps up to defend her darling hubby. BRING IT ON!

Jokes that amuse me

2011-08-08T19:04:00.000+10:00

A little girl goes to a pet shop and asks, "Excuthe me do you have any widdle wabbits?" The shopkeeper's heart melts. He gets down on his knees so that he is on her level and says, "Do you want a widdle white wabbit or a thoft, fuffy, bwack wabbit, or one like that widdle bwown one over there.?"
The little girl blushes, rocks on her heels, puts her hands on her knees, leans forward and whispers..." I dont wealy fink my pyfon gives a phuc.

How did the blonde explain how his helicopter crashed?
He said it was getting cold, so he turned off the ceiling fan

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"

His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, rub my hands on my wife's butt and say, 'Lets do it!'

....and she's always sound asleep.

Rules for Women

1. Never do housework. No man ever made love to a woman because the house was spotless.
2. Don't imagine you can change a man - unless he's in diapers.
3. What do you do if your boyfriend walks out? You shut the door.
4. So many men - so many reasons not to sleep with any of them.
5. If they put a man on the moon, they should be able to put the mall there.
6. Tell him you're not his type - you have a pulse.
7. Never let your man's mind wander. It's too little to be let out alone.
8. The only reason men are on this planet is that vibrators can't dance or buy drinks.
9. Never sleep with a man who's named his penis.
10. Go for younger men. You might as well. They never mature anyway.
11. A man who can dress himself without looking like Forrest Gump is unquestionably gay.
12. Definition of a bachelor: a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.
13. Women don't make fools of men. Most of them are the do-it-yourself types.
14. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest they are too old for it.
15. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
16. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.
17. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldn't ask for directions.
18. If he asks what sort of books you're interested in, tell him checkbooks.
19. A man's idea of serious commitment is usually "Oh all right, I'll stay the night."

Running Block

2011-05-22T23:37:00.000+10:00

Have you ever tried to do a friend a favour but in reality you've just ended up torturing yourself? Well that was me tonight. I have friend T she has had a crush on this guy forever and he finally asked her out on the provision she found his mate a date too. So T comes to me, I'm sure after trying to persuade friends more willing and begs me for a few hours of my time to double date with her and Mr Fabulous. I knew at the time it wasn't going to be pretty, but hey it was only going to be a few hours over dinner right, surely I could last that long and give my besty a shot at Mr Fabulous. Mr F is an ok guy so I'm thinking his friend won't be so bad. A few drinks and maybe a few laughs and I'll survive.

I spent most of the afternoon trying to put myself into the right frame of mind for dinner and reminding myself my brand of sarcasm is not usually welcome so be prepared to bite my tongue. So I put on my best face and come what may I'm ready in little black dress and heels. I even took time to put on the warpaint. I arrive at T's place where Mr F answers the door T is still getting dressed and they are waiting on Mr F's friend to arrive. Mr F pours me a scotch and dry and says "You just may need this".
After that statement the worry started to creep in was his mate a hobbit?

T walks out all dressed to impress when the doorbell rings and Mr F answers the door I can hear voices in the hall and well Mr Mystery at least talks English and not caveman. We are introduced and if first appearances are anything he's not so bad 6'4 dark hair and a perfect teeth. We all have one more drink make a bit of small talk and we head out to the restaurant.
We order and Mr M tries to order for me and there is no way in hell am I going to eat veal so I stop the waiter and re order a steak. I like my cow fully grown thanks. As the night progresses I realize Mr M wouldn't know humor if it bit him on the ass. T and Mr F both have a great sense of humor and can tell a good story so it wasn't through lack of hilarity, but this guy just sat there with a straight face the whole time and just grunted when asked a question. So he is bi lingual English and cave man.
The only stories Mr M told were about how much money he has and how much women want him for his body. I considered trying to drink this egotistical ass funny but then decided against it because I knew when we got back to T's I was going to put my running shoes on and get the hell out of dodge to do that I had to stay sober enough to drive.
While plotting my escape I dragged T to the ladies room to tell her she owed me big for making me suffer this tool when a book and my bed was looking far more entertaining she fully understood but could I just PLEASE stay for coffee at her place. I said OK coffee then I'm gone. So we go back to the table where Mr M thought it was a good idea to put his hand on my leg and lean in and tell me just how hung we was. I pretended not to hear and just gave T a"save me" look.
We pay the bill we leave and back to T's for coffee. T and Mr F are going great guns so maybe tonight was not such a waste I think to myself as I make coffee for everyone. I turn to get the milk from the fridge and who's in my way but Mr M where he proceeds to tell me how luck I am to be on a date with him. That's it my warped side comes out full force and says "Oh really and what makes you god's gift to women?" He replies "Well just look at me" I stepped back and looked real hard at him and said "Nope sorry I just can't see it". He started to go a bit red so I gave him my sweetest smile and handed him his coffee. He then tried a new tact by telling me how beautiful I looked, please a little originality would have been nice. Where did Mr F dig up this asshat from?
I made my excuses to Mr F and told T I'd call her in the morning Mr M said he'd walk me to my car OK fine anything to make the escape a bit faster. At the car he asked for my number I was polite and said sorry but no. He then tried to kiss me goodnight I turned and he got my cheek which I then smiled at him and reached up and rubbed the kiss away. I climbed into the car and started the motor while watching him stalk across the lawn when T's Irish Wolf hound, Dexter, has left a big surprise Mr M put his foot right in, it was truly deserved in my opinion and tomorrow I'm going to buy that dog a bone.

I will never run block again for T or anyone else for that matter. I know I didn't have my best manners out but he started it and maybe he didn't smile all night but I got a good giggle from the steaming pile of dog shit. If I ever see Mr M again it'll be to soon. If T and Mr F work out great, cos they seem good together.
I prefer to pick my own dates and yes there have been quite a few dud's there like Mr Married and Mr Drinks-to-much but at least they were self inflicted torture but I also sometimes pull a good one.

Another public Holiday.......what to do

2011-05-18T02:02:00.001+10:00

I'm in 2 minds do I take the kids to the show or do I take them to the Gold Coast and Seaworld think I'd much prefer Seaworld I get to see polar bears,but who knows what the kids want to do. The school makes it a student free day to attend the local agricultural fair but it's very limited in what they get too do.
Think I might even take them to the Queensland Museum www.southbank.qm.qld.gov.au
I like the museum with the dinosaurs and old things to look at. I love the buttons to press that give things sound effects. Sounds like I'm a kid in a toy store.

Either way must remember to charge batteries for my cameras. Wow 2am I must get some sleep staying up writing papers on social diversity for college was not may the brightest idea when I have to work in the morning.

Travel Prep

2011-05-17T00:00:00.000+10:00

I was just looking at flights trying to decide if I fly into Forth Worth TX and take my time to drive up to Denver as Qantas has just started direct flights into Fort Worth or do I land in LA and drive, I think I'll go with Fort Worth it's closer to Denver. But I could land any place and fly into Denver and just grab an SUV when I get there. So many options and not a clue.

I was just looking at the Motel 6 site and they're map is OMG. When did I have to drive through Memphis from FW to Denver? By rights you don't Motel 6 obviously doesn't provide the shortest route possible. On the upside a side tour of Memphis would be good because I'd love to go to Graceland. I'd also get to stop in the Springs to see a friend but I'm put of this idea cos where she lives sounds rough.

I joined Road Trip America tonight and it makes me want to drive, I love to drive give me good music and a can of Mother and I'm good to rock n roll at least 10hrs. $500 approx will get me a Ford SVU for 10 days out of LA and as I have to fly back out of LA or Texas it doesn't sound that bad.

Flights from FW or LA to Denver are cheap but as never having done a long haul flight that I can remember maybe I won't want to get on another plane until I have to.

Note to self remember to drive on the wrong side of the road at all times.
Getting kinda excited just the thought of passing through Lubbock Texas the birthplace of Buddy Holly makes me go "Oh FFS"
My first big international trip and I am a bit OMG about doing it on my own but I can't wait either.

I am who I am

2011-05-15T12:31:00.000+10:00

I've never had someone that thought I was worth risking everything for.
Never had flowers delivered just for me
Never had someone share a sunset just for it's beauty

I've had had a lot of other stuff but none was for who I am only for the means to an end.

I am who I am
a little damaged but healing
a dreamer still dreaming
I hope beyond hope
Know that natural beauty is natures spectacle
I understand the sea
I love the coolness of the mountains

Just wondering if anyone will want me for just me

The Drive and stuff

2011-05-10T18:54:00.000+10:00

I happily volunteered to pick my sister and the new hubby up from their honeymoon at the airport. I was actually looking forward to the drive until I woke up to poring rain so 200km and risking life and limb as I was almost squished by to buses. I arrived at the airport and watched the eye candy go by as I drank a well earned cup of coffee. I then saw the sister and her new hubby come strolling down the stairs looking refreshed and I'm sure a tad drunk- I knew she'd have to feed him liquid courage to get him back on the plane as a first time flyer hehe.

The drive home was just on dark and every lunatic in Queensland decided they wanted to be out on the same highway as me. So a lot of OMFG and Oh FFS later we made it home. The wedding by the way was a wonderful laid back affair. My only problem was that I couldn't find anyone to dance with, the whole affair had everyone paired up like on Noah's ark.I was also the only sober person in the place every time I poured a drink someone needed my help and I never even got a sip. The day made me reflect on my wedding day and I have to say if I ever go there again it'll involve eloping to Vegas,an Elvis impersonator and a lot of reverse charges phone calls to the loved ones. All in all it was a great night :)

Mothers Day

2011-05-08T10:30:00.000+10:00

Hi y'all I'm hiding out here behind my laptop screen just for a few minutes before confronting the day that makes being a Mum commercial. I have so far been woken up by a fight over how to butter toast,eaten cold lumpy porridge ( Thats NAW how you make porridge). Sorry about the Uncle Toby's advert pun. I have opened a new set of stripey flannel PJ's, which I will have to remember to wear tonight,luckily for me it's been getting quite chilly at night.
Mind you I had to get up and make them breakfast after chewing my way through mine, they were to exhausted to even consider making themselves toast and cereal, it was also a vote that I make the best eggs on toast, I don't like eggs but hey maybe I can cook them alright.

I've stuck my head outside and it looks like today might be a good day blue skies at least for the first half.
Now I must venture off and get dressed and go and spend the day with my 3 beautiful kiddo's.

The Future in Cards

2011-05-06T22:37:00.001+10:00

I had my tarot read the morning after my sister's wedding, they were read by someone who has been accurate about so much for other people I know. Anyway my reading told me a few things I knew I was going to do,a little no-one else knew about me and left me asking who a few people are.

I must do that overseas thing soon according to the cards but the girl reading them didn't know travel was on my to do list. I will meet my soul mate for the first time when I spin around looking for someone, he will have an accent, a lady who's name is V came through the cards and told the reader this. Who is V?This Mr Wonderful will apparently love my kids as his own and love me for who I am....weirdness and all.
I will take my kids to Disneyworld on one of many trips to the US. I will be OK financially though not rich.
I will be bi country and one of my daughters will live in Europe, all of my children will grow up strong and give me not a lot to worry about except maybe an egged house and a bit of pot smoking.
The universe will reward me from staying out of sibling squabbles. I have to stop second guessing myself and believe in myself. I need to regain my fire and passion. Who is "B"? There were a few other names mentioned but hey guess I'll find them soon enough. Truly not sure I want to be a homewrecker like was hinted at but with the soothed with the idea it was over a long time ago and just the paperwork needs signing.
Still married is married in my opinion FFS.

Well that's my future in the cards, interesting but I have a few things to do before I can start on this journey. I don't take all this as gospel I just find it interesting. This reader saw my sister married and my Mum coming into money so I'm just seeing how it all turns out in the end.

If you don't know where your going you may end up somewhere else.

Happy Easter

2011-04-24T23:35:00.000+10:00

Today has been an interesting day. Let's start at the very beginning like Julie Andrews says in the song.
I was woken by my 3 wonderful brats with gifts of chocolate at 5 am,when I made these kids I forgot to put in a snooze button.
So bacon and eggs for breakfast with a healthy dose of chocolate,come on it's the only day of the year you can legitimately eat chocolate for breakfast so what if I took advantage of that fact. Then it was time to take the dog for a walk or him to take us it's still undecided who makes the travel plans in this house. I did a little gardening,I like the fact I can confess that here because I'm anonymous.

Now down to the juicy stuff I sat down to check my emails and oh my I have my very own group of paranoid people thinking I know them and chose to write about them. Remember the blog that I wrote about being on the net and pretending to be single? This bit of tat bout the nuts out of the wood work.
I have emails from the UK,the United States and Australia accusing me of writing about peoples personal lives . Guilty conscience anyone?
I appreciate the lengths gone to but FFS I don't know anyone I received correspondence from, the person who told me about her experiences on the subject knew I was going to write a blog but not even she knows where or when.
I can put all your small minds at rest only one person knows who Daisy is and I doubt that they care what I write here.

Instead of wasting time being paranoid why don't you all try a new thing....THE TRUTH it hurts but it hurts so good.
Happy Easter my fellow cyber junkies

Love Daisy xoxo

Always tell the truth. That way you don't have to remember what you said.--Mark Twain