Oh, Just Livin the Dream!

Dealing.

2012-01-26T16:53:00.000-08:00

Sadness is a difficult feeling to grasp.

Being vulnerable is a difficult thing for me.

But I am allowing myself because I need to write this.

Bear with me.

Depression is a messy illness (or whatever you want to call it). Maybe we can call it a trial? Illness has such a negative connotation to it, I know. Here's a little secret though: everything about depression is negative.

Everything that accompanies depression: sadness, frustration, loneliness, lack of energy, irritability, lack of desire, selfishness, unable to feel in control, lack of confidence, distance, numbness, anger, etc. is in fact, negative.

It is utterly debilitating; unexplainably destructive.

Completely unable to deal with emotions, I called my sister. I didn't want to call her. I didn't want to call anyone because I hate putting that burden on other people. But, I attempted to hold it together as she validated every feeling that I couldn't seem to describe.

"Think of it this way," she explained. "It's as if you have a constant bag of rocks on your back. You are, literally, carrying this burden with you every where you go."

As I have continued to think of this metaphor, it only becomes more real.

Sometimes, rocks fall out, or are even taken out from the Lord, and the burden seems to get lighter. But it never completely goes away.

That bag of rocks is an ever constant load weighing me down.

There are times, when the backpack seems to dissipate. I feel as though a burden has been completely lifted. I feel at peace.

But, without fail, that bag of rocks returns. No matter what.

It's a frustrating feeling, knowing that no matter what amazing decisions are made, depression reiterates its existence in my life.

There is no cure for depression. I cannot explain why I have almost no serotonin or dopamine in my brain. There are methods to help dispel the pain, but it may be something that is stuck with me for a very long time.

I didn't choose to feel this way. I didn't choose to have to this trial. But it's been given to me. And I'm trying my best to deal.
My good friend, Hillary, described it perfectly to me today.
"It doesn't get any easier with every bout of depression, it almost gets harder. And when you're in it, it feels like you're never going to get out of it and this is just the remainder of how your life is going to be. We swim in hopelessness when we are depressed. Anyone who thinks you can control it or it's just the "energy you put out into the universe" has no comprehension of reality. It's not about what you can control because it's a physical impairment. Your body isn't producing what you need to get by. And medication doesn't necessarily help. It's a vivacious circle that feeds off itself. Depression makes you feel hopeless and hopeless makes you feel more depressed."
I couldn't explain it any better.
I have been here before. I know what all of this feels like. These feelings are nothing new. I feel like I should know what to do to make it go away, but it doesn't work like that. It's disheartening because I feel as though I can't hold any semblance of a relationship in the midst of this. I try to remember the good times, though and wonder what I was doing differently; where I fell off the wagon to make this cycle start again. These relationships are lacking because I almost get bitter and resentful towards other people who are feeling genuine happiness; not because I am a bitter person but because it's not "fair" that some people (who are undeserving) are getting all of those wonderful things while I continue to feel worse.

One of the most difficult and frustrating parts about depression is the lack of control I seem to feel. I am a confident person. I have had this illness since I was 14 years old, so it's almost as if it's a natural part of my life. I know methods to ease the pain, but nothing (at least not yet) has allowed it to completely disintegrate from my life. But there are days, quite literally, I cannot seem to fathom the positive aspects of myself. There are days when living does not even seem enjoyable (don't worry, I don't mean it to be like that.) My confidence in all of my abilities is completely erased. I'm not pretty enough. I am fatter than the rest of my friends. Boys don't like me. I didn't get a good enough grade in my class.

Nothing I do is good enough in my head. Sounds so ridiculous, right?

It is.

It is absolutely, irrevocably ridiculous.

That's the problem though. It's a constant cycle. I attempt to build my confidence back up, but than the smallest thing will trigger it and I will spiral back down.

With depression, a trigger can be anything. For me, currently, it's often a relationship not being validated. I see a friend (or friends) not living up to what I want--did you catch that?

Not living up to what I want.

Me. Me. Me.

Depression is selfish.

I have these expectations. Whether it be for myself or for others. And when those expectations are not met (which they usually aren't), that is when the trigger goes off and I lose all control of my stability. Sometimes, I can literally feel myself going further down.

It's as if I am watching and listening to somebody else take over my body.

And I know who that somebody else is: it's Satan.

It is Satan telling me that I am not smart enough, not pretty enough, not talented enough.

And Heaven (or hell) knows I don't want him to win.

Being a stubborn, driven and determined girl, I become frustrated as I watch that spiral fall into a deeper crevice.

Depression makes me a victim.

And that, my friends, is the last thing that I want to be.

I take a look at everything that is happening in my life and it never completely lives up to it. I'm not sure what it entails, but it just never lives up to it.

I am constantly disappointed.

I am disappointed in other peoples' insecurities and actions.

I'm disappointed that my friends & family aren't loyal enough to me.

I'm disappointed that I keep gaining weight.

I'm disappointed that I can't do what I want to do with my life, which is travel.

I'm disappointed in myself, for feeling this sad so often.

I'm disappointed that somebody else cannot take this burden from me.

There are days when it is literally difficult to get out of bed.

I have found the best way to cope with this is by taking my life one thing at a time.

And if I get up out of bed, go to school and choir and that's it.

Then that is good enough.

I have to allow myself some leniency.

There are times when my heart literally feels as if it is breaking.

We all know what it feels like to lose someone we love so immensely. That aching, that pure agony that accompanies it, is absolutely devastating.

That is what depression feels like. But on a more constant basis.

Depression is just grief without a reason.

When people ask me: "What's wrong?" How am I supposed to respond: "Oh nothing, just depressed."

I can't respond that way because it's not politically correct.

What people fail to realize is that depression is just like any other illness.

If I say, "Oh I have a migraine," then people understand. Then that's okay to feel down.

But if I were to say, "Oh I'm just really sad today; dealing with my depression," people would respond with: "Then just snap out of it. Let's go make you happy!"

Oh, how I wish it were that easy.

I hate being that girl. The one who is constantly crying when a depression week hits.

Here's the thing though, friends: Some days are good. Some days are bad. Some months are amazing. Some months are awful. Some hours are wonderful. Some hours are hell.

There is no black and white solution; I take my life as I am feeling then.

That's all, really, I can do.

There are times when I feel completely numb. It's as if I am just walking through the motions. Because when I stop (and sometimes I do) it's hard for me to get back up.

Depression is weakening.

People tell me all of the time how strong I am. But to be completely honest, I feel weak.

I feel weak because I don't, in times of need, always turn to the Lord.

I make stupid mistakes when I am down sometimes.

I make it worse for myself sometimes.

It's so much easier said than done when I'm feeling like this.

Because as I am on my knees talking with Him for hours on end and I wake up the next morning feeling the exact same way...

it's disheartening.

And it makes me angry.

It just makes me angry sometimes.

As silly as that sounds, it does.

But, I have to allow myself to feel everything, otherwise I will feel nothing.

I'm tired. I'm physically and emotionally drained in my "depression moments."

I'm lonely because I want somebody to lift this bag of rocks from my back. But they can't. I just want someone to take one rock off. But they can't. The only people who can are me and the Lord. But it's a lonely process. Because no words, no other person, no other thing, can take the pain away.

I am a happy girl. Depression is not my natural demeanor. I feel things so deeply. I have a huge heart, but sometimes that is the problem. My dad told me once, "You may feel the lowest lows in life, but you also feel the highest highs." I know my emotions so very well. Depression has allowed me to know myself extremely well. I know how I am feeling at every minute of every day. And I know why I'm feeling that way. There are wonderful things that come from this. I know myself so very well.

I don't write this do gain pity. I don't write this for all of you to feel sorry for me. I write this to simply explain. To help others out there have a semblance of understanding to the inner workings of depression; the complete chaos and confusion encountered (3 points for alliteration). My head and my heart are constantly spinning at a million miles an hour and it is nearly impossible for me to describe everything in words. And if I attempt, I fall into a pattern of incessant crying. And let's be honest, nobody likes that.

It is uncomfortable.

It is sad.

It sucks.

I wish I could explain it more vividly, but this is all I have for now. I did my best.

We all know what it's like to have a broken heart. We all know what it's like to have pain. And I'm not discounting anybody's pain. I just want others to try to understand mine.

I cannot ask "why?" Because this is my trial in life (or one of them). The Lord has handed this to me so that I am able to be even stronger. The Lord knows that I can take this pain and that I can use it for my benefit; for others' benefit.

I know that I have felt all of these things for a reason. I know that I am going through this so that something greater can happen in my life. Who knows, the Lord may just be preparing me. No, let me correct myself, the Lord IS preparing me. I know it.

And I'm so happy that He trusts me enough to go through this.

"There's a peace I've come to know.

Though my heart and flesh may fail, there's an anchor for my soul,

I can say, "all is well."

And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise.
I will rise."

Listen here.

...because I can't pay attention in class.

2012-01-26T08:24:00.000-08:00

All of these kill me.

Absolutely kill me.

You're welcome.

You want to watch all of these. Believe me.

.....major ADD right now.

We are the Youtube Generation, aren't we?

Ha.

Big Buns.

2012-01-24T15:52:00.000-08:00

No, not that kind. Although I do have that kind too...I don't wanna talk about it.
My dear friend, Candace (Happy Birthday, lady!) and I did a "sock bun" without the sock the other day.

Ignore the accentuated blush on me (right). It's the instagram edit. Boo.
Oh yea, follow me. sisiainge.
#firstworldproblems.

At first I was really hesitant when I saw how it looked because it was so...big.
But after many compliments, my confidence boosted and I owned that up do (quote it!).
It's amazing what a few compliments can do for a person.

My friends and I joke that I am a legitimate blogger now because I do my hair like this. (but seriously)
And I wear these glasses.
And I actually wear semi-cute clothes to school.

Moment of silence, people. Moment of silence.

xoxo.

When Words Fail, Music Speaks.

2012-01-23T13:37:00.000-08:00

I know some of you may not be country fans, but Miranda Lambert's The House That Built Me is incredible. Give it a try, at least. I love the words.

Fix You by Coldplay is my top five favorite songs of all time. The lyrics are perfect. So perfect.

Music, particularly these two songs, are getting me through right now.

Wow, I love music.

on my mind.

2012-01-20T17:53:00.000-08:00

I just wrote a blog post that took an hour.

I just erased it all.

I didn't like what I wrote.

It's weird.

Usually I can express how I am feeling in words. blah.

The perfectionist is coming out right now.

So here are some quotes that I have read/heard this week that can say what I am feeling right now a lot better than I can at the moment:

"I don't care who gets the glory as long as we do the work"-- I need to have this mentality. Because I definitely don't. I need appreciation. I need reciprocation. And sometimes I hate it. I wish I could just do something nice without secretly wishing for appreciation in the end. Am I terrible person for that?

"The only way we can truly be happy in this life is to live His gospel. To turn to him. To take the time to find Him. Ultimately, to know that he has calmed your fears and made you whole again. You can't change others lives or bring them to Christ until you find Him yourself." --Sigh. Need I say more? I need to trust Him to help calm my troubled heart and my fears. It's amazing what developing a friendship with the Savior does to us. That relationship is the cause for everything else that is good in my life. I recently have been frustrated with those close to me due to a lack of loyalty. He is ALWAYS loyal. Always.

"The Lord only upgrades." --upgrading. It's hard being a single 21 year old in provo. Yep, I said it. Dating gets discouraging and I constantly feel like I am doing something wrong. However, if I am doing what needs to be done, He will consistently upgrade whoever comes in my life. He never downgrades. Only upgrades. How true is that? He has something so much better in store. Everything happens for a reason.

"Humility is signing up and actively choosing for the Lord to change you." Sometimes I have a problem bargaining with God. I know it's wrong but I find myself doing it anyway. "If you do this for me, then I will do this for you." Humility is realizing your faults and asking the Lord to show you the way to change them.

So here's what I've concluded:

.....A fundamental layer of my happiness depends on those few close relationships in my life; of that closeness. My friendships, my family, those are all separate aspects of my life, but they all seem to give meaning to the reality of life. Maybe that's a good thing. Maybe that's a bad thing. Which ever one it is, these relationships are important things in my life.

Sometimes when I am sad and trying to deal with life, I have unassigned blame for no one. it's selfish, but survival takes a sense of self absorption. I think of how frustrated I tend to feel; towards others for avoiding my sadness, for blandly saying things like suffering makes you stronger. Sometimes it's too hard to take your own grief.

But, I'm not saying that I (we?) try to forget about the pain and sadness that comes our way in life. Of course we can't. But you take the sadness with you, you keep moving and you integrate it into your life, and the burden gets lighter over time. Happiness takes as much practice as unhappiness does. It's by living that you live more. And sometimes happiness stems from those moments when sadness appears. I learn happiness through those moments of sadness, as emo as that sounds.

But you keep fighting.

I keep fighting.

Why?

Because they didn't call me Sassy Pants growing up for no reason.

2012-01-20T14:45:00.001-08:00

Hi Friends.

My name is Sierra.

I originally started this blog to get all the numerous ideas that consistently rummage through my brain down onto something other than paper.

However, I soon realized that blogging was addicting. And I have only continued to love writing more.

I write about a lot of deep things.

I write about a lot of funny things.

I write. A lot.

You may laugh; you may cry.

To be honest, I don't care what emotion appears, just as long as you keep reading.

I am currently "Livin the Dream" in college. I am almost done and am preparing to become an elementary school teacher.

I love to sing. Music saves me.

I love to travel. I lived&taught in Kenya.

I have visited Fiji, Mexico, and Puerto Rico.

One day I will visit more countries.

Life goal: to serve (and/or teach/live) in as many countries as possible.

Because, as cliche as it sounds, I want to help people.

Puerto Rico

Kenya

Fiji

Sit down. Grab some popcorn. And enjoy. Leave some comments. Pass it along.Hey, you can even email me.But only nice things, please.

sportzaingel9@hotmail.com

it's from 5th grade. Judge me, I dare you.

Well, Shoot...

2012-01-20T14:04:00.000-08:00

Talk about making a girl blush.
Rosie over at Teacher of the Frickin' Year so generously awarded me the Liebster Blog award.

I just love awards. Needed that booster. Yee.
The Liebster Award is given to spotlight up-and-coming blogs with less than 200 followers.
Does this mean that I am a legitimate blogger now? Yikes. I need to step up my game.

This is how it goes down, ladies& gents (let's be honest, mostly ladies):
Uno. Link back to the person who awarded you.
Dos. Tell us who your 5 favorite up and coming blogs are. (they can be the person who awarded you)
Tres. Post the award on your blog & pass it on!

So, in order to pass the love on, I need to present to you some blogs that I read that I quite enjoy (how proper do I sound, eh?)
Without further ado (+2):

1. Dani, La La La Love you
Okay, so I don't think I have actually met her (maybe I have?) but we have 8 gazillion mutual friends. I think. She is a local elementary teacher and she is constantly ranting, raving, and riling (3 points for alliteration) about her class. As I'm preparing my upcoming classroom, I love reading about her adventures in life and in the schools.

2. Amanda, Derek&Amanda
I had the opportunity to sing next to her in general conference choir a couple of years ago (wow was it almost two years ago? Goodness!). Not only did we realize that we dated the same person (ha), but we connected (or was that just me?). She just moved to New York City with her husband. She always has interesting, fun, insightful stories to tell on her adorable blog!

3. Sarah, The Author's Desk
I love this girl. I love her blog. You can just tell how big her heart is from her posts. Just be warned, this is not a site (no pun intended) for the lighthearted. Her passion, intensity and writing is marvelous. You may come out crying. I love the genuine feel of her blog.

4. Lexi, All You Need is Love
I love how real she is in all of her posts. She tells things how they are really are. Her honesty is refreshing to a blogger like me (Ya know, one who tends to think deep thoughts and is brutally honest on my own blog sometimes). Her blog is adorable, fun, and real!

5. Allie, Things I love
Words cannot describe how amazing this girl is. Her blog only continues to emulate that idea as well. She is a health freak (love her for it) and has many wonderful tips about staying healthy in all aspects of life. Enjoy!

P.S. There are many blogs that I didn't put up but I genuinely love. It's just that I thought you a) probably don't read my blog b) would find this stupid (cough lexie and bri) or c) You have enough followers anyway...Ha

OH, and.. K. I need help with my blog. Who's gonna help a sista out? How do you:
create a button? Put cool fonts on your blog? Have sponsors (not my ad sponsors but other blog sponsors)? Create the buttons and links on the top or side panel of your page?

I'm Sensing a Pattern.

2012-01-18T15:05:00.000-08:00

{Old School, huge, fake, nerdy}

Glasses.

Is anybody else diggin' them? Or is just me?

Is it just me who looks like a ginormous goober in them?

Because I'm such a HUGE follower, I have decided to wear these now.

I'm a hipster, what can I say.

Well, like, once a month.
All in favor say "I".
xo.

On another complete unrelated note. (well sort of, I am sensing a pattern of hilarious Youtube videos continuously popping up in my life, too)....
Click HERE for the funniest two minutes ever.
Ever.

P.S. Happy 23rd Birthday to the best biggest (skinnier) brother ever.
I wish I had your legs.
Love you, Lanny!

MLK Weekend.

2012-01-16T16:16:00.000-08:00

This weekend was what I like to call a "successful" weekend.

It encompassed so many fun activities, memories, and good times.

click on collage to make photos larger.

This weekend:

-Sang at President & Sister Holland's Institute Devotional.

Love them. We're on a first name basis. And I got a hug. Yeeee.

-Date night at Cheesecake Factory. So good.

-Julia's mission call opening: Honduras. So excited for her!

-Saturday hike with the girls.

If you looked up the mountain the waterfall was frozen, but if you looked back over the valley, it looked like summer (see pictures)--it was crazy!

-Wore my nerd glasses. A lot. I'm a hipster now.

-Sam's going away party.

What did we do? Absolutely nothing. All you need is a hot tub, food, and a macbook to take ridiculous pictures, and you will pee your pants from laughter with my friends. Love those people. SO much.

-Church & Sunday Dinner (at Charlesworths! love you guys!) - food&spiritual stuff=awesome.

-Had some "Me time". I love those nights where I can just get some pondering time to myself. I was asleep by 11. It was incredible.

-Scavenger Hunt Date using geocaching app. So fun! My competitive streak came out a bit.

-Homework. I have a lot of reading this semester. Yummy.

I'm consistently taking breaks currently to write this. Ha. Procrastinator much?

-Scripture Study Night with some friends for FHE tonight.

Sometimes I wonder if anyone even cares what my life consists.

Let's be honest, only my mother probably reads this.

But I love reminding myself how much I have to go be grateful for and that my life truly is wonderful.

I think all weekends should be long weekends. Just saying.

xoxo.

This is How I Feel Right Now.

2012-01-10T22:57:00.000-08:00

that's me. as a five year old.

AHHH!!!

A new semester has started, people. A new semester!

It's going to be a cuh-razy (busy) one.

Life is offering a lot of unknowns and I'm just trying to hold on to this roller coaster.

I'll keep you posted.

I should be sleeping. Instead I am writing this. Exhaustion & stress have hit already.

But I am happy. And that, my friends, is the most important thing.

Any tips for the college student? (the end is near!) I mean, I've been doing this for almost four years, but I keep learning. Literally.

Oh, and I'm pretty sure I look the same.
Awesome.
xoxo.

portlandia: last few days of christmas break

2012-01-07T22:34:00.001-08:00

I watched Portlandia the other day. It was slightly inappropriate, mostly true, and extremely funny.

I have been soaking up my last few days of christmas break (I don't start until Monday!).

It has been fabulous.

See for yourself:

Click to enlarge these beautiful faces :)

Row 1 (mostly): Photo shoot with my over spoiled rag doll kitty, Simba. Yes, that's his name. Except he's the exact opposite. Think ultimate fraidy-cat, bratty diva (he is beautiful though, huh?) Oh, but he loves me. So it's okay.
Row 2 (mostly): long bike ride along the waterfront in downtown Portland with my mom. Water breaks, headbands, and extremely attractive helmets. It was a gorgeous day in Oregon. So I cannot complain. I can't do this in Utah in January.
-End or Row 2: Visiting Holland's grave. ♥
Row 3: We found a bald eagle! (look closely), nice, healthy, salmon dinner (New Years Resolutions looking good so far!), adorable nieces and nephews, and cannot forget Monopoly Deal.

Now back to reality.
Sigh. See you in poo-tah.
xoxo.

I changed my mind.

2012-01-06T14:31:00.000-08:00

THESE are my New Years Resolutions.
I read this on a blog the other day and I fell in love.
This poem is exactly everything I am striving to be.
So we'll just add all of this to the list.

Enjoy.

Promise Yourself

To be so strong that nothing

can disturb your peace of mind.

To talk health, happiness, and prosperity

to every person you meet.

To make all your friends feel

that there is something in them.

To look at the sunny side of everything

and make your optimism come true.

To think only the best, to work only for the best,

and to expect only the best.

To be just as enthusiastic about the success of others

as you are about your own.

To forget the mistakes of the past

and press on to the greater achievements of the future.

To wear a cheerful countenance at all times

and give every living creature you meet a smile.

To give so much time to the improvement of yourself

that you have no time to criticize others.

To be too large for worry, too noble for anger, too strong for fear,

and too happy to permit the presence of trouble.

To think well of yourself and to proclaim this fact to the world,

not in loud words but great deeds.

To live in faith that the whole world is on your side

so long as you are true to the best that is in you.

- Christian D. Larson

New Year. New You.

2012-01-04T23:02:00.000-08:00

There is something so refreshing about a new year. It's another reminder to me that I can change and that second chances are always available.
2011 was a year of adventure. Kenya. LDC incidents. Losing many people to death. It was a constant roller coaster. I cried, laughed, and learned so many lessons. I am ready for new.

I have decided to join the bandwagon (cause I'm a follower) and write my goals down. My goals are a little different though because I am shooting one month at a time. So these "new years resolutions" are going to start in the month of January. When (notice I didn't say if) I surpass January, it will continue on through next month, etc. etc. I want these goals to be realistic, but still testing.
So far, I am doing well! :)

*Minimize soda/fast food. (Try to completely erase it). Acceptable fast foods: Subway, Cafe Rio, and Sushi. Ultimately, eat better.
*Read my scriptures & say my prayers every single day. Even if it's minimal.
*Work out at least 3x a week. (shoot for losing 5 pounds in January)--Drink LOTS of water.
*Make my bed every single day. I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I already do this. I just want to continue this habit. It just makes my room feel so much cleaner.
*Keep up good grades. Shoot for that internship!
*Compliment people more often. Say something nice to someone. It's amazing what a compliment can do.
*Think positive!! Think of at least 3 positive aspects throughout/at the end of the day.
*Try to be more realistic about others' behaviors and my specific expectations from others.
*Cook at least one real meal every week. (Hello, crockpot!)
Note: Real=something besides Lean Cuisine and Top Ramen. You get my point.
*Be Happy. To just savor the goodness of life. I have many things to be grateful for. I just want to be confident, content, and at peace.

Wish me luck!
I have a script to write, a show to help prepare, songs to sing every single day in LDC, an internship to apply/plan for, a living situation to figure out, weight to lose, full time class schedule to keep grades up, a basketball intramural team, lessons to plan as a gospel doctrine teacher, teaching in the elementary schools, a temple to attend, a testimony to strengthen, friendships and relationships to build&strengthen, blogs to write, lessons to learn, random FUN adventures to encounter, and lives to change.

Oh, maybe I should find a husband, too? ;)
2012, it's going to be a great year!

What are some of your goals/New years resolutions? Do you think I should add anything to my list?

Um, YES.

2012-01-04T15:43:00.000-08:00

Have you played this game?

Monopoly Deal: I am obsessed.

My family and I have played this almost every single night over the Christmas Break.

It is simply amazing.

Little bit of luck. Little bit of strategy. And a whole lot of fun!

(I should have written the slogan for this game!)

If you want to play, let me know. I'm so game (no pun intended).

xoxo.

an explanation of the past few months...

2011-12-31T12:46:00.000-08:00

Are you ready for this? It's kind of intense. Hey, I warned you. I would really like your input, advice, and opinion on this one!

"Expectation is the root of all hatred." (See Expectation post.)

Isn't that the truth, though? When we expect specific actions, attributes, or achievements from another person, we are constantly going to be let down. My expectations, particularly at this point in time, are rather high because I want others to solve the pain and the things I can't quite figure out on my own right now. It's almost as if I want someone else to fix everything. I look for someone else to do everything right, because I can't seem to do it sufficiently. And when others do something wrong or hurtful (as they usually do unknowingly) it's abnormally devastating to me right now. Logically, I am fully aware that this reasoning is completely irrational and ridiculous, but my heart can't seem to cope any other way. When that person (whoever that person is) does not meet those expectations, often it turns into anger. People differ in their expressions of anger. Some yell, some cry, some avoid. But I have found that anger, ultimately, is the aftermath of expectations not being met. And sometimes that is a scary feeling. Although anger is an emotion that we have all felt, it is also the easier route to take. Because anger usually exists when another emotion is present, but that other feeling tends to be hidden even deeper in the internal structures of our body. We either don't have the tools, capability, or courage to go and find out what that other emotion is. When grief hits, when expectations are not met, anger tends to be the first emotion felt. Why? Because it is a lot easier to be angry, than to be fearful or to be hurt or to feel any other deeper, scarier emotion. Anger, like expectations, exists due to a lack of needs not being met. Recently, anger, for me, has stemmed from those expectations of others not being met, but more importantly, it has arrived due to my imperfections in coping mechanisms. Then again, there is no perfect way to grieve. Everybody does it at their own speeds and in their own ways. But a part of me gets frustrated, angry, or confused with myself because I feel like it is silly to continue to be this sad. How in the world am I supposed to be feeling right now though? What is considered the "appropriate way" to deal? What is considered the right amount of time until all this pain dissipates? When will it be easy to talk about Holland? When will my family be "normal" again?

This Christmas Holiday has been okay. It's difficult to be home because the last time I was here was for her funeral. And so, through this "homeward bound" experience, this is what I have realized: Anger is easier to handle than grief. When I am angry, I can make everything about someone else, something else. I can even make it His fault. I can focus all my energy on punishing, refusing, or ultimately leaving an entire situation (metaphorically or literally). I have found that I am comforted by anger's sharp, precise lines and it's definite road map.

Grief, however, is a more complicated matter. It is something that I cannot direct. At all. It is about MY loss; everything I once cherished and believed in. It has a component of fear and one of regret--of wishing I could turn back the clock, to more vigilantly try to change things. Pay more attention. Love more fully. Be more available. When the grief hits (which it usually does, particularly at times when I am not even examining or recognizing it), I find myself looking inward, blaming myself for somehow feeling this way and allowing my emotions to rule everything; to destroy everything. Grief also has a disorienting effect, offering absolutely no game plan whatsoever, leaving me one option: to suffer there in the moment until it is usurped or taken over by anger or some unsuspecting emotion.

In midst of this roller coaster of anger, I have found that it is much easier to avoid others and cope internally. I am what psychologists like to call an "avoider". It's not that I'm avoiding my feelings, I'm just avoiding explaining my feelings. Mostly because it's too complicated to attempt to explain in the first place. I have been extremely cold and distant in the past few months (well, that's all relative. Cold and distant for me is rather different than someone else's cold and distant!) It is easier for me to be alone because in the quiet moments I can somehow feel a semblance of all the different paths my heart tends to be taking. I am trying so hard to figure out "what is going on with me." It's hard to be around others because I cannot fully explain what I am actually feeling in that moment. Emotions are not black and white right now. I'm not feeling "sad" or "lonely", I am feeling every single emotion piled into one. It's too difficult to explain because it's too difficult to pinpoint the particular emotion. The complexity is confusing though. It is not just a shade of one color. It's as if my emotions are an uneven amount of gray that can't decide if it wants to be black or white.

It also gets confusing because sometimes my grieving entails aspects of me; it's not even about Holland or Lexie or Nick anymore. I become sad and find myself in that rut; in that floodgate of multiple emotions, due to a loss of something else in my own life. Grieving is not just the loss of the specific people who have died in my life, but a loss of everything that I feel is missing. So now, I am not only grieving for Holland, or Ryan, or any others who have passed on before me, but I am grieving for the lack of companionship, drive, etc. in my own life. See how it turned around on me. And how is that fair? How selfish is that? It bothers me that grieving is such a selfish process. I don't mean to be emotional or selfish. My head tells me to get through it, to stop those particular actions. But unfortunately, after all the reading and research that I have done, that is not how the process goes. It's "normal" to go through all of this. Survival takes a portion of self absorption and it, in a way, has made me strangers to a lot of people because they could not relate.

Yet, It's a constant circle of destruction.

Because all of that emotion, all of that confusion, is then directed to the Lord. Even though I don't necessarily mean for it to.

And it's not because I am asking "Why is this happening?" Because I realize that all things are for my good. That there is a reason all of this is happening. But I ask, rather, "When will this be over? When will the pain subside?" And you know what? You know what I have learned?

That sometimes it's okay to be angry with the Lord; it's okay to feel the way that I have been feeling.

I know that makes me sound like I possess a lack of faith, but I think He gets it. Truly. I think He understands when I am a little frustrated. I know this because I have felt Him say that to me. I have felt Him say, 'It's okay, Sierra. You're okay. Just don't go too far. I am here. And I am sorry." He gets it, as long as I don't go too far for too long. He loves me. Individually. My self worth, my confidence, was lacking for a little while. I felt as though I didn't deserve what was best for me. I don't really know how I was feeling (shocking) I just knew that I was doubting myself, my abilities, and my strengths. But through the many many many tears, I know that He loves me and has given me so many wonderful attributes. I know that. I have re-learned that over the past four months. It's been lonely, as cliche as that sounds. And even though that loneliness and anger is sometimes directed to the Lord, He has also been the only one to get me through this entire situation. With roommates that I feel are abandoning me, with family that is all grieving on their own so they are unavailable, and with Tanner on a mission, the Lord has been the only constant in my life.

It's amazing how I can feel everything and nothing at the exact same time. My head and heart seem to be in a constant battle. Sometimes I try everything in my power not to cry because if I start, a floodgate of tears then follows. And sometimes I just can't handle that. However, I have also learned that emotion is not a bad thing. I was reading my dear friend, Erin's blog, and she said exactly what I had typed the day before. (Great minds think alike, Erin!) Emotion is not bad. It's just how you deal with it. It's what you do with it. It's okay to be sad. It's okay to be angry. You just cannot allow those emotions to rule your decisions or stay ever present. I'm not saying that I ignore my emotions. I can't do that. But I can take the sadness with me, keep moving, and integrate it into my life. Eventually that burden will get lighter over time. I have learned that I am a person who has learned happiness through those moments of sadness.

Coming home has been exactly what I needed. I am surrounded by people who love me unconditionally, just because they are blood (and they have to! Ha!) and because it's a safe place. It's hard for me to want to go back to school, actually. The past few weeks as I have watched my family members grieve and deal with everything in their own special way, I consistently remind myself: "This too shall pass."

I wanted to get this out before New Years because I am ready for a fresh start. I am ready for a new beginning. A New Year. How awesome is that? We always get second chances in life.

Happy New Year (even though I strongly dislike this holiday) everyone!

Thank you for your love, patience, and kindness through this roller coaster.

Hey, never a boring day in the life of Sierra, huh? :)

xoxo.

Christmas 2011

2011-12-28T21:47:00.000-08:00

It's been a wild one at the Ainge home. That's for sure.

Holidays since the passing of Holland seem to be...different. There doesn't seem to be another way to put it. It's not that it's bad, it's just not as fun or energetic or joyful as it has been in the past. Particularly since everyone seems to still be grieving in one way or the other.

The loudness was still apparent, however. No need to wonder about that.

Maybe some dysfunction, too. Whose family doesn't have that though, right?

On Christmas Eve "Eve", we had a cousin gathering. We put on a talent show. Which, I might add, was the most lame talent show that I have encountered. I sang while Mckenna played the piano and Brizzy sang. Four songs. Diva. That's it. Dearest family of mine: it's time to produce some more talents. We had a gift card white elephant exchange. It was fun to be reunited and laugh together. No one quite understands (or makes fun of you in my case) like your family.

Christmas Eve incorporated just my immediate family (which in itself was 10 people haha). We had a beautiful family dinner. It was so weird to have an adult Christmas. Most of our Christmases have involved many children. But this year it was just Dane and Brizzy. (And let's be honest, Dane, who is four months old, doesn't really count. He's still adorable though. We'll keep him).

Christmas was a long day. We went to church first so we didn't open presents until noon. Then, in the midst of the crinkling of wrapping paper being torn apart, we skyped Bri and her family. We didn't finish opening presents until four pm. Yikes. We took our dandy time, eh?

Santa gave me a brand new blender, crock pot, and Macbook Pro. Guess I was a good girl this year? :)

I have a lot of things on my mind, but I'm trying to figure out how to put it all into words. So, for now, this is what you get.

It has been so wonderful to just relax, enjoy time with family and friends, and sleep. My goodness! They don't warn you that you are going to be exhausted from going to school every single day. In college, too! And it only gets worse (or so I hear)!

I've been spending the past 24 hours with this little girl while Lex is at the beach.

I just love her.

My nieces and nephews are probably the cutest things ever.

Hope all y'all had a wonderful Christmas too.

xoxo.

Aingels We have Heard on High/Merry Christmas

2011-12-22T17:20:00.000-08:00

Catchy title eh?
Side note: Growing up my family used to go caroling and we'd sing that Christmas song. We thought we were so hilarious.

Last week, my choir, The Latter Day Celebration Choir (an auditioned group at Orem Institute of Religion) put on our Christmas Nativity Pageant. We, as students, created and built the set, wrote the script, found costumes, and most importantly, sang beautiful music encompassing the true meaning of this Christmas season: the Birth of our Savior. I was given the wonderful opportunity to sing the angel solo in some of the performances. In this particular song, children from the Utah Valley Children's Choir came to sing. They were dressed in all white, acting as the angels who came to wake the shepherds up.

I was extremely humbled and grateful to take part in this show. LDC has a special spirit to them--the people, the music, and the talent involved all creates a wonderful experience. Every day I am grateful to have tried out for this choir. I knew that this was something I was supposed to do. Every single day, I get to sing with these people and be enlightened with the Spirit. How awesome is that? My struggle with LDC has been one with many tears, frustration, and sadness. But, after our last show, I was reminded how truly wonderful this choir is, in spite of the lessons learned.

I am so grateful I was able to take part in this Christmas show because it truly put me in the Christmas spirit in midst of finals, stress, and lack of sleep. Thank you for all those who came out to support!
I won't be posting for the next few days because I'll be soaking up the Christmas laziness and enjoying time with my family ...AKA...eating...a lot...(but, hey, working out too!) but I just wanted to wish you all a very very VERY Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

Below is the video of my solo. Enjoy.
The link below the video is one song from the show that my choir sang. It is called "Father of Light." Listen to the words. I posted this earlier, but I want to show it again so you can all hear the power.
Yay for the Christmas season!

Father of Light

xoxo.

I'm dreaming...

2011-12-19T09:34:00.000-08:00

of a green Christmas!
Where: Beautiful Portland, Oregon.
Why/When: Home for the Holidays!
What: Workout, eat treats, Christmas festivities, and be with family and friends.
Three weeks without school. Best Christmas gift ever.
...I'll keep you posted on life.

Downtown Portland waterfront

my backyard.

P.S. And for your entertainment, click HERE .

This is a song (one of my favorites) from the Christmas Nativity Show that my choir put on. It was wonderful. I'm sorry if you missed it!

What THIS Christmas Means to Me.

2011-12-17T14:19:00.000-08:00

{I just had this feeling that I needed to post this. No idea why. Excuse the intensity.}
There is something so raw, so exquisitely painful and real, about letting go; letting go of an intimate relationship, letting go of a loved one, or even letting go of the past.

Sometimes when words seem to fail and tears are all that seem to be apparent, we need to turn to someone, something, for support and strength.

I think I found it this Christmas season.

"And so this Christmas I'll compare the things I felt in prior years

To what this midnight made so clear: that You have come to meet me here.

And the first time that you opened Your eyes did You realize that You would be my Savior?
And the first breath that left Your lips,
Did You know that it would change this world forever?

To look back and think that This baby would one day save me.
That you were born so I might really live.
And I celebrate the day
That You were born to die
So I could one day pray for You to save my life. "

Relient K - I Celebrate the Day

dying...completely dying from laughter.

2011-12-15T08:50:00.000-08:00

ha ha hahahahaha.
(ignore the title)

Growth & Christmas.

2011-12-09T13:25:00.000-08:00

I recently (and by recently I mean this entire semester) have been bombarded with trials.

I get trials. I'm a human (big shocker there). But for some strange reason, circumstances keep happening that have been exponentially more difficult than usual.

I finally, after a rough go, feel like I have some semblance of a grasp of my emotions, of these particular trials, that seem to have consistently come my way.

Once I feel like I have that grasp, however, something exasperating happens , and I am once again run over (metaphorically speaking, of course).

This idea of growth has been a constant struggle.
Through deaths and other recent personal battles, I have had to dig inside myself and find what growth truly means.

First, I have began to notice that everything, in life, happens for a reason. As I am sitting here writing this blog, I am listening to Tanner on a recording. We send a recording device back and forth and it is so wonderful to hear his voice. I feel like he is sitting next to me, holding a conversation. It makes me feel a little less alone. It was, by no coincidence at all, that particular recording showed up on my doorstep (or in my mailbox. Po-tay-toe poh-tah-toe) on a day when I needed it the most. The other night, I had a "mental breakdown." I happened to text my dear friend, Allie, right before about matters that were completely unrelated. She called me and I lost it. It was humiliating, but I did in fact lose it. I don't think it was any coincidence at all that she happened to be driving by my apartment in that moment. I am grateful for her and her comforting words. I am grateful that the Lord placed her in that spot, at that time, and in my life general.
Growth is recognizing that the Lord has a hand in everything.

Also, I have found my negativity to be wearing on others. And I feel awful for putting that on others around me. Sometimes this battle is a little too intense for me, so the negativity is my outlet. I have been given the opportunity to sing a solo in my choir's most recent Christmas pageant (This Sunday, Dec. 11, at 6 and 8. UVU Institute Building. Be there!) and I feel extremely inadequate to be doing it. I'm not entirely sure why. Probably because I feel inadequate in a lot of aspects of my life right now.
But, as I have been pondering, I had an epiphany. I think that's a part of growth:
Humbling yourself; feeling inadequate so that the Lord can strengthen you.

I literally live my life one hour at a time. I have always been an organized person, but I live my life in a pretty spontaneous manner. But this, right now, is a time where I can only live my life one hour at a time. Because if I begin to think about everything (as I usually do), I become physically, emotionally, and mentally exhausted.
But, I think that's okay! The Lord knows how much I can take right now. I know how much I can take right now. Sometimes I feel like I should be working harder, smiling more, being kinder, and being more compassionate and giving this Christmas season. But the important part about that is this: the fact that I am trying. He is happy when we all just try to do our best. He loves us. This holiday is to celebrate a perfect being who loves us perfectly. We can grow because of His immaculate, unconditional love.

This Christmas season is all about celebrating the birth of our Savior.
Birth is a hard concept for me to wrap my head around right now. Whenever I hear someone talk about babies, I instantly think of Holland.
I recently received news from dear friends in Kenya. Joseph and Mwaka are our the main correlation between Kenya and Kenya Keys. They fed us and took care of us while we were in Kenya. They do so much for the organization and are two of the most hardworking people I have ever met. Their example is constant. They had been trying for 11 years to get pregnant. Finally, this miracle happened and Mwaka was pregnant when we were living there this past summer.
Long story made short, Mwaka delivered a stillborn. When I received this news, my heart ached. I know how desperately they had been aching for this child; and then to lose it. My sympathy and empathy towards their loss is unimaginable.
I see others' lives (my sister and brother in law, Mwaka and Joseph, etc.) around me and I am grateful for the steps, for the trials, they are taking. They are a testament of growth; of allowing the Savior to mend you in a way that He wants. This melding, interestingly enough, will (and should) mold into what you want to become as well. Unfortunately, reality is a little more difficult than that though. Often times we are unaware of why He does the things He does in order to allow us to grow. I think we all understand that we are given these trials for a purpose. But allowing them and humbly receiving them is a different story. As we celebrate the best birthday ever (yee!) this season, may we each include thanks for His birth, for His life, for His atoning sacrifice, for His death, and for His example.

"He knows all of my feelings; the depths of despair. All the limits my soul can endure. I will trust in His name, I have nothing to fear. For in Him, all my hopes are secure."

HAPPY CHRISTMAS!

Life...

2011-12-08T16:56:00.000-08:00

happens. Love and Words help. Here's what I've been learning.

from me:

I never want to be angry; I never want to let fear control me. Sadness will come. It will definitely come. It is a part of life, a part of what makes us, well, us. Embrace it, learn from it, and don't look back on those times with negativity. Don't curse all sadness-- that it should have never happened. Take those things near, hold them, but don't let them overpower you in a way that ends up destroying your entire being.

and the scriptures:

"...if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if heavens gather blackness and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know though, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good." (D&C 122:7)

Christlike Christmas Characteristic (3 points for alliteration) that I (we?) are going to work on this week:
compassion.

P.S. I LOVE CHRISTMAS TIME.

Christmas Songs.

2011-12-05T16:21:00.000-08:00

Happy December!

I have decided to make a playlist of some of my favorite Christmas songs so that you can spread and savor Christmas cheer through music!

I have so many thoughts that I want to write currently, but they are so jumbled that this is all my brain (and heart) can handle right now.

So, enjoy! Eat your little heart out, sing a long to these songs, and illegally download away! Let's just all be honest here (Tis the Season), we all do it.

Oh, and you're welcome.

Celine Dion: O Holy Night

Celine Dion: Feliz Navidad

Celine Dion: Don't Save it All for Christmas Day

Okay, you know what...just ALL of Celine's Christmas CD. Moving on.

David Archuleta: I'll Be Home For Christmas

David Archuleta: Melodies of Christmas

David Archuleta: Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas

Yep, all of David's Christmas album too.

Chuck Berry: Run, Rudolph, Run

Faith Hill: Where are You Christmas?

Glee: Last Christmas
Justin Bieber: Mistletoe

Josh Groban: Silent Night

Josh Groban and Faith Hill: The First Noel

(Yep, you guessed it. All of Faith and Josh's album too)

Kelly Clarkson: My Grown Up Christmas List

Mariah Carey: Jesus Born on this day

Mariah Carey: Joy to the World

Mariah Carey: All I want for Christmas is You (big shocker)

(Okay, AND all of Mariah's album)

Michael Buble: Cold December Night

(Yea...and Michael's entire album...)

N'Sync: Merry Christmas, Happy Holidays

N'Sync: Oh, Holy Night

(All of N'sync too...have you noticed the pattern yet?)

Paul Mccartney: Wonderful Christmastime

Sarah Mclachlan and Ingrid Michaelson: Winter Song

Taylor Swift: Christmases When You Were Mine

Martina Mcbride and Martin Dean: Baby, It's Cold Outside

Michael Mclean: The Forgotten Carols (entire album)

Sara Bareilles: Love is Christmas

Stevie Wonder: What Christmas Means to Me

Brenda Lee: Rockin Around the Christmas Tree

Savior of the World: Look On Me This Day & Come, Lord Jesus Come.

Do you have any other songs you absolutely love and would like to share? These are just some of my absolute favorites.

Oh, and here is a picture of my choir and I singing with Michael Mclean at the Forgotten Carols.

I love Christmas time.

And Christmas music

And the Savior.

That's all. For now.

Oh, My Heart.

2011-12-01T21:46:00.000-08:00

I saw this video a couple of minutes ago.
It's a miracle that I didn't start bawling.
This hits a little too close to home right now.

Two Years from Hailey Haugen on Vimeo.

A Yearly Adventure and a Grateful Heart.

2011-11-28T14:09:00.000-08:00

I wanted to write all of Thanksgiving break. I figured I'd have all the time in the world to get everything down.

I just wasn't sure where to begin.

It was as if I had so much to say, but then nothing at the same time.

Every time I would think about writing, I'd become exhausted. Just the thought of getting all my millions of emotions written down in some semblance of order made my body completely incapacitated.

And I hate writing blog posts that are meaningless. Because as much as I truly love others enjoying my perspective, my thoughts, and my writing, this is, after all, my perspective, my thoughts, and my writing. I want to look back at every post and think, "Wow. That's what I was learning from life."

I am very humbled. And I have a very grateful heart.

I just didn't write a "Thanksgiving post". Why? No idea.

Probably because I didn't want to be just like everybody else.

Shocking.

Landon and I drove to San Diego to see Mckenna and Paul for Thanksgiving this year.

I'm not going to lie, it was a difficult trip. My family is still dealing with the loss of Holland. Dealing with that loss allows a lot of other dysfunction to occur. And it's hard to ignore that when we are all placed together. I found myself wanting to be on my own, in my own space; a true solace for this "break."

However, it was still enjoyable to soak up the 80 degree weather.
It's amazing how much I realized that, in spite of the dysfunction, my family are some of the few people that will allow me to act in any manner and still love me the next morning.

Isn't that what family really is all about?

Patience in midst of the yelling. Unconditional love in spite of our individual trials. Learning from each other's faults.

I am grateful for the Ainge clan for those messy reasons.

On the drive home, Lanny (he loves that nickname) and I came across some "issues" with our 1998 Volvo Volkwagon, Veronica. Needless to say, we were stopped on the side of the highway in the middle of the Nevada Desert. We still are not entirely sure what is wrong, but we stopped every twenty minutes to let it cool down because it was overheating. But we had to make it to Vegas, so we continued the trek. Once we arrived in Vegas, our family friends, the Royals (you guys are awesome. Thank you!) drove us to get a rental car to continue our adventure along the way.

Writing this does not seem like it was an ordeal. I assure you, however, that this was the longest road trip of my life. I can't help but think back to last year's Thanksgiving Ordeal. This seems to be a trend for Landon and I. I guess we are not meant to drive over this holiday! As we discussed, we will not be driving anywhere for Thanksgiving Holiday again. Ever. If we are to travel, we are flying. Haha.

As I was driving at 1 o clock in the morning, a Dr. Pepper at my side, and absolutely nothing to look at due to the blackness of night, I began to ponder.

We were mocking our parents for going into "parent freak out mode" as they tried to figure out how to help us. But in reality, how lucky are we? That we (I) have a father that will drop anything--time, money, a worried heart, in order for us to get home safe. In order for my brother to get home to get a good grade. Talk about sacrifice.

I was so grateful to have the opportunity to even be in sunny San Diego.

And I was lucky enough to have a delicious gourmet turkey to eat earlier that week.

The list could go on and on and on...and on. But you get my point.

I chuckle as I think about all of this.

That it's true. Through ADVENTURE (a yearly one, too. There has got to be a scientific name for an annual occurrence such as these!) we learn who and what is important.

Through these adventures we learn that the trials and dysfunction are what make us human.

And through these adventures,

we learn how much we truly do have to be grateful this season.

P.S. I'm just grateful I can listen to Christmas music without people yelling at me now.