Oh! Look! A Squirrel!

New Rules for "Devil's Night"

2010-10-30T22:59:00.000-04:00

I think it is important that youth, and those young at heart, and vandals in general, be considerate and as cordial as possible when practicing “prank vandalism”.

Here are some tips:

Use anti-bacterial soap when soaping windows.

Using 1-ply paper will do for tee-peeing houses and is less expensive. Use recycled paper when possible. NOTE- Recycled paper IS NOT "recently used in your bathroom" paper.

Spray targets with a coat of Pam or some other non-stick coating before egging. Bacon, toast, and coffee are welcome additions.

Bags should be lined with fire retardant and a deodorizer.

DO NOT, I repeat, do not include the dog when placing the dog poop it the bag!

Strict arson laws must be obeyed. Instead of using an actual flame, I suggest one of those battery powered L.E.D. candles be placed in the bag of poop. You could also try attaching a large, easy to read note to the bag of poop. eg.”This bag of poop is on FIRE! Quick! Stomp your foot down on it several times to extinguish the raging flames!"

Other Names for Devil's Night

“Mischief Night”, “Gate Night”, “Goosey Night”, “Cabbage Night”, “Mizzy Night”, “Miggy Night”, “Tick-Tack Night”, “Corn Night”, “Trick Night”, “Micky Night”, “Ding-Dong Ditch”, “Knick knock, Knicker-knocking”, “Knock n' Run”, “Knock Knock, Zoom Zoom”, "Ring and Run", “Nicky-Nicky Nine Doors”, “Knock, Knock, Ginger” "Bobby Knocking", “Hedge Hopping", "Chapdoor Runaway", "Chappy".

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Improvements: Elevators

2010-10-17T21:17:00.003-04:00

Put in swanky washrooms. You have a couple of minutes to kill, why not freshen up while you wait. And it has to have an attendant, with hot towels and tips on horse races.
Install kiddy-slides on all floors. Elevator Up - Slide Down.
Convert elevator buttons to also operate as a slot machine.
In order to carry more passengers, install a much larger propeller. The current ones on elevator ceilings are way, way, too small.
Install a music jukebox so I can choose my own elevator music.
"Mystery Floor" button.
Have elevators that go side to side, as well as up and down, so you can get off right at the door.
Doors that make the "swish" sound, like the ones on the turbo-lift on Star Trek.
Mirrored floors on elevators. What? It's so I can check if I have gum on the bottom of my shoe! Why else would you put a mirror on the floor?
Vending machines for snacks, coffee, soda, samosas and stuff. (but not the stuff you get from a washroom vending machines)
Elevator music by actual preforming elevator musicians.

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These Guys Saw Me Coming

2010-10-01T16:23:00.006-04:00

Things I learned When Shopping for Eyeglasses

"Specials" mostly apply to the over-sized twisty-straw frames with neon sparkles. You'll find these frames in the greasy box at the back of the store, near the washrooms- follow the smell. It's right next to the box full of fake mustaches and plastic noses.

You have to choose lenses. Selections are rated by quality. For instance: "Better Than the Best", "The Best", "Good", "OK", "OK.. In a Brightly Lit Room", "Recycled Cut Glass", and the special's "Why Bother At All With These- Get Yourself a Dog and A White Cane Instead". The “Special” does not include the cane or dog.

Extras apparently add to the cost. The glasses are not as complete as advertised.

Nose, brows & stache extra!

Pre-scratched lenses are the ones included in all “Specials”. An “anti-scratch” coating can be applied for a large fee. That will have to be done at the factory level. The factory will divert your lenses from the “pre-scratch application” production line to the “anti-scratch protection... sort of, kind of” production line.

UV protection is extra. It helps to prevent your eyeballs from being irradiated by the sun or 150 watt light bulbs. I think it's kind of expensive for the UV treatment, considering most ten dollar sunglasses have the same coating.

You will need an anti-reflective coating if you don't want to see the back of your yucky retinas projected forward onto your lenses.

You will usually when get a handsome flexible plastic eyeglass envelope for free. Allegedly this will keep you glasses protected from minor wind penetrations, fingerprints, and from some of the damage that may result from carrying your glasses very carefully.

Purchase the lens cleaner from the store - 1. It’s really expensive and therefore pretty good stuff, and, B) It has the store's name on it so you can remember where not buy next time.

WARNING - Do not apply lens cleaner fluid directly to eyeballs. Do not consume the lens cleaner fluid. Doing so will probably result in blindness. If either event occurs, feel around for the phone. Good luck dialing. Remember the dial pad numbers start with "1" at the top, keypads start with "7".

Bifocals cost more. They come in two styles. The ones with the line across the lens, and the ones without the line across the lens. You pay more for the ones without the line. I don't think I should pay extra for something that's not there.

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Ten Things That Happened Today

2010-09-21T00:33:00.004-04:00

On September 20th I awoke at 5:00 am. Then again at 5:20, 5:46, 6:20, 6:27, and 6:53. I find alarm clocks are not strict enough these days.
I went to eye doctor. I have now achieved prescription status. It's glasses or contacts. I lose my readers all the time, so I think "contacts". Eye doc says I won't lose my glasses because I'll be wearing them all the time. He may know a lot about my eyes, but he sure doesn't know a lot about me.
On the other hand, my eye pressure is 22 mm Hg, so I might not need the glasses for very long. You know you've let yourself go when your eyes get the equivalent of high blood pressure.
My sister-in-law cut her finger with an electric hedge trimmer. I suggested she use nail clippers next time.
Stopped at Mickey D's to use washroom. The place was disgusting and smelly... before I got in there. Hanging on the back of the door I found the sheet they sign when staff have inspected the washroom for "cleanliness" on "an hourly basis". I wrote down the phone number of my eye doctor.
Wife got me to stop at the Sally Ann thrift store. She found one of those inflatable beds in a bag and insisted on buying it, despite the fact we enough beds at home for everyone. She says she has always wanted one! I wanted a Ferrari, but the Sally Ann was all out of those.
In my backyard I put a pipe in the ground so I could stick up an umbrella clothesline. Then I washed all our umbrellas and hung them to dry.
I made spaghetti for supper last night. I was too lazy to cook this evening, so I made up a little something from yesterdays leftovers. Spaghetti sandwiches will not be a regular favourite at my house.
After supper my daughter went to the mall with a friend of hers. I asked that she be careful as usual, and to catch an early bus to get home. She is very good about texting me with updates when she is out. At 9:00pm, later than I expected, she texted, "Bus is running late. Me and Steph are getting a ride with this old guy. He has lots of room in his big white van. C'ya soon". My eye pressure went up to 32 before I passed out, banging my head on my wife's recently purchased inflatable bed. My head would not ache as much if only she had taken the time to inflate it.
My home is somewhat unkempt today. Fortunately it is night-time, and I can remedy that quickly. I will turn off my light soon and all will be well.

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A Tale of Two Bell Customer Service Reps

2010-09-08T18:23:00.000-04:00

As a gift for a relative, our family have been paying for an added service for their Bell phone line. Our relative has since moved and no longer needs that service.

Tale of Customer Service Rep #1

So my Wife calls Bell and....

Melody: We overpaid on this account to eliminate teeny tiny invoices every month, and that line service is no longer needed, we would like our money back.
Bell: Is that your phone line?
Melody: No, but the billing is under our name for that service.
Bell: That's impossible!You can't do that! It's not your line!
Melody: Yes, we have! And yes, you send us the bill to our address. Would you like the info of the statement?, and of course, they did.
Bell: I can't let you do that. Let me get my supervisor!"

Hmph! A dweebie Bell customer service representative. How odd!
While Melody was waiting for the "Super-visor"...

Elevator music
Bell Ad
Platitudes regarding how important our business is to them
Big brother message about the call being monitored for QC
Rinse and repeat......

Supervisor: I'm sorry. You do not own this number and we cannot therefore authorize a credit.
Melody: The statement is in our name and you sent it to us.
Supervisor: I'm sorry. That must have been a mistake. I cannot authorize any action on the account unless it is from the owner of the number.

A series of but-buts ensue that carry on for a bit... but, to no avail. Unfortunately she was unable to get the name of the supervisor. The old quick disconnect trick.

Total time spent on phone with Bell- 30Min (approx.)

Tale of Customer Service Rep #2

I get home to hear my flustered wife's story. So I take a run at them too.

Dennis: Hi. I need a refund for a canceled service.
Bell: What is your account number from the invoice?
Dennis: Yada yada yada info.
Bell: Just a moment.

Elevator mus... He's back!

Bell: Thank you for your patience! I need a few more minutes to calculate any outstanding charges so we can issue the balance as a refund.
Dennis: Go for it!

Elevator music
Bell Ad
Platitudes regard.... He's Back!!

Bell: Would you like that credited to your home phone line account, or would you like us to issue a cheque?
Dennis: Whatever is fastest, and simplest.
Bell: Why don't I send you one last bill for the M-T-D (Month to Date) charges and send you a cheque for what we show as a credit balance as of the last statement on record.
Dennis: Sounds wonderful!
Bell: I still have a few details to clear. Would you like to hold or would you like me to call you back?
Dennis: Call me back! But, could I get your name first, just in case something goes wrong.
Bell: I'll give you my employee number. xxxxxxxx. Thank you for your patience!
Dennis: OK! I'll wait for your call.

Hang up. Two minutes later!

Bell: Hi. It's all taken care of. However, I must tell you that it may take 4 to 6 weeks before you get the cheque.
Dennis: That's ok! Funny, though! Bell wants me to pay my bill within 25 days of the statement date, yet, they take 4 to 6 weeks to send me my own money.
Bell: I apologize for that. I'm not sure there is much I can do about it.
Dennis: Sorry. I was just pointing out the difference.

Wow! That was great! I decide not to count my money before the cheque arrives.

Total time spent on phone with Bell - 12 Min (approx.)

So, how did this end?

Two weeks later we receive our cheque.

I guess it does depend on who you talk to when you want good service.

It's just the luck of the draw when you do get good service.

Too bad!

Bell Telephone Service - ☆ Codes I'd Find Handy

2010-08-27T19:39:00.000-04:00

PRESS *101 -Slaps, HARD, the head of the person on the other end of the line.

PRESS *273 -Activates Lie Detector. If the other person should tell a fib while talking to you, an appropriate message when indicate to the lying bastard that they have been busted.

Human Voice Clip Male Fifty Year Old Exclamation Liar Liar Pants On Fire sound bite Human sound bites

Press *744 – This the number for the Misinformation Operator. When you ask for a telephone number for a person, the operator will pick randomly a number from a previously generated list. This service is said to be 25% more accurate than regular 411 operator.

Press *364 – Will taser person at the other end. Handy for those unsolicited telemarketer calls.

Press *0-0 – Press the code and then hold up the handset to your eyes in a fashion of binoculars. This feature allows to see caller in their undies... or better.

Press *942 – “The Inclement Weather Channel”. Allows you to experience all bad weather without leaving the house. Note- Bell is not responsible for water or hail damage.

Press *672 – “Randomized Death Ray”. It will only fire if the caller says something stupid, tries to sell you something, asks for donations, or uses the phrase “It costs you absolutely nothing to try!”

Press ***8 – Will tell you your service technician's current location. Transmitters are located throughout the region at all fast food outlets and adult novelty shops.

Press *000 – Handy if you answer the phone and it's someone you don't want to talk to. You will have a choice of the following background voice and sound emulations.

1. Your mother calling out for help. The emulation will shout out “I've fallen off the toilet and can't get up.”
2. You, being arrested in a major drug bust.
3. Supper call complete if a playing of a triangle and a hearty “Come and get it!”!
4. Escalating buzzing and static sounds.
5. Bell interrupting your call to tell you that your service is being terminated immediately for non-payment of phone bill.
6. “GET THE FUCK OFF THE PHONE! NOW, ASS-HOLE!!!” in voice of the Terminator, and
7. Skip-A-Word where every second or third word of your side of the conversation is dropped.

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If Jesus Had a Pizza Restaurant...

2010-08-06T15:45:00.000-04:00

☺What name could he chose. Look at the success of St. Hubert, patron saint of chicken and dipping sauce. Certainly there would room in the marketplace for a little competition. Besides, if JC plans it right he could offer to save you more than money!
Here's a few names I come up with, but none of these sounds right. What do you think?

☼ "Jesus' Pizza" ☼ "God's Grub" ☼ "Christ, That's Good" ☼ "Lord's Fixings" ☼

☼ "House of God - Pizza & Wings" ☼ "Holy Pizza!" ☼

☺Menu items might look like this if he was to take advantage of his celebrity. I don't think there are stories regarding his prowess in the kitchen. I really think he was a BBQ kind of guy. On Sundays he makes his special Lazarus Bread, get there early enough you can watch it rise up.

We use unleavened dough in all our pizzas!
Gentile menu available!

☼ The Chosen Peoples Pizza - Made with smoked meat, deviled eggs, gefilte fish, pastrami, with goat cheese fresh from the goat.
☼ Lucifer's Punishment

- EXTRA Flaming Hot Angel Wings!
☼ Gabriel Lite Archangel Wings

- with Special Anointing Sauce.
☼ Rack of Lamb of God.
☼ Juicy Speared Ribs
☼ Angel hair pasta -made from the hair of real angels.

Dipping Sauces

☼ BBQ ☼ Hot ☼ Christ that's really Hot ☼

☼ Hot as Hell ☼ God damn it to HELL HOT!!!! ☼
☼ Apocalyptic ☼

Sides

☼ Caesar Salad with Real Bits of Caesar ☼
☼ Garden of Eden Green Salad ** apple free ☼
☼ Holy garlic bread ** gothes must show ID ☼
☼ All you can eat Manna ☼

Desserts

All are fat and sin free!

☼ Hot crossed buns ☼ Devils food cake ☼ Angels Food Cake ☼

Drinks

☼ JC's Wine Eternal - JC's own special label. Just keep adding water to the bottle. ☼

☼ Free holy water ☼ Pontius Pilot Punch ☼

☺You Might Overhear...

“Is that pick-up or would you like it delivered onto thee?”
“Would you like wine with that? No. You say that last bottle was a tad watery."
"Yes. Delivery is 30 Minutes or salvation is free.”
“Yep! We do kosher.”
“I'm deeply sorry for that. I'll double the garlic bread and say 3 Hail Marys.
'I'll let my son talk to you. Jesus! Jesus Christ, will you get up to the front right now!

☺Health and safety could be a concern!

Does Jesus wear a hair net? And a beard net?
Hires and underpays minorities such as Samaritans and Lepers.
Signs are not multilingual. Should have French, English, Arabic, Hebrew, and Aramaic.
Health violations - frogs, blood in water, lice, flies, sick donkeys, boils, sick donkeys with boils, locust, serpents, poor lighting, demons, Roman soldiers...

☺Testimonials...

"Jesus pizza is a wise choice for all your party needs!" ~ King Salomon

"Pizza that's, unfortunately, good for your soul!" ~ Lucifer

"If I knew it was this good, I never had quit the group or turned him in!" ~ Judas Iscariot

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How to Mess with a Quote from Voltarie

2010-07-27T02:57:00.001-04:00

One day I posted a quote by Voltaire, who was a prolific writer, a poet, a philosopher, and a nom de plumer kind of guy from the 18th century. I have read ~~much of his work~~... ~~some of his work~~... a couple quotes attributed to him. I consider this dead man, and you can quote me on this, to not only be quotable, but a dead French man as well. French like France French, not like Canada French. For that matter not like Bulgarian French, Cambodian French, Cape Verdeans French, Dominican French, Egyptian French, Equatorial Guinean French, Guinea-Bissauian French, Laotian French, Lebanese French, Moroccan French, Mauritanian French, Mauritanian French, Moldavian French, Romanian French, Saint-Lucian French, Sao-Tomé et Principenean French, Tunisian French, nor Vietnamese French. That is to say, Voltaire was born in France.

Zee Quote

Don't let the PERFECT be the enemy of the GOOD. ~ Voltarie

My cuz Diana sent the following comment about the quoted quote which I quoteded..eded...did:

Diana: "That's good but not perfect!! ;0)"

Diana has a talent for striking my medial epicondyle of the humerus. This causes instantaneous babbling in me, as well as some riveting River Dancing, whilst I mutter "old duck" or something like that.

Dennis: That's a perfectly “good” comment! This is to say, the “comment" was not "perfect", it was "good". “Good" by itself is always "perfect", hence "perfectly good".

"Perfect" is "good", but not great, as it does not allow for less than "perfect" nor more than "perfect". "Good" can always get better however "perfect" cannot get better. "More perfect" would simply mean "perfect". Therefore that "whatever" was misrepresented as "perfect" when it was actually only "good" before.

"Perfect" is like 100%. There is no "good" valid use of anything like 110% or 737%, as numeric grammar does not allow for anything more than 100%, which is essence "1 "or "perfection".

"Good" news, numeracy does allow for factors.

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Earthquake Thoughts

2010-07-23T00:04:00.000-04:00

I think a better name than "Richter Scale" would be the “Ricky Scale". We can use Lucy heads to indicate how annoying the quake is.

Find shelter inside some sort of large tank... the army type would be best. Living in a tent in the middle of an empty field would work to. Don't forget your lighting rod.

Quickly don your big yellow "All Purpose Emergency Nerf Safety Suit" when an event is imminent.

Animals are often the first to sense earthquake activity, so look to your pet or cat dog. If your pet is shaking a lot and walking in a jittery fashion, then they are saying to you “It's an earthquake, stupid human!”

Another way to tell if an earthquake is occurring is to stand outside near a large building. Getting hit on the head by a falling brick or an iron girder is a certain sign of a quake.

Get a really really big safe deposit box, preferably with a washroom built in.

Buy some cheap hairspray to laminate your entire house.

Pyramids seem to be reasonably earthquake safe places to live in. I let my mommy hide there too.

Buy a bunch of those aeroplane "black boxes" and build a home out of them.

Advantage- An indestructible home.
Disadvantage - No one will ever be able to locate you.

Have a stick of deodorant handy. We have all heard the stories of stinking, rotting, decaying corpses. It would be nice to find an "Old Spicey” scented, rotting, decaying corpse once in awhile.

A message from @MaDuke says “it wasnt as bad as i thought it would be but the illuminati is trying to make an earthquake go off in nyc sometime soon. they hit ottawa, candana yesterday and nuccas in west new york, cinncinati, maine, idaho, toronato felt that shit.” This guy is connected!

It's a good idea to have emergency supplies on hand such as adult diapers, energy bars, water, matches, and flashlights. When the batteries die, you can burn those flashlights. The fire can be used warm up the energy bars or boil water or cook up your stupid dog that apparently doesn't know what an earthquake is.

Treating a Case of Cross-Specis Baldness

2010-06-11T12:52:00.002-04:00

A concerned friend asked me about treating a case of cross-species baldness of a Wombat.

It a sad day when a wombat is so distressed that it loses it hair, grows long sharp claws, and rips out the throat of a veterinary assistant.
Why did she ask me?No. Really! Why me?

Anyhooo, after delving into research on veterinary medicine for what seemed minutes, I believe I have found something that just might work!

The fix is to use is Kraft Vegemite. Made from yeast extract (by-product of BEER making) it can be used as a bread spread, a dip, a industrial lubricant, protection from solar flares, elephant repellent, Wallaby bait, and hair restoration for distressed Wombats.

IMPORTANT - Use a directed.

Side effects include: Psychosis, visual and tactile hallucinations, may cause Jerkins Glycemia (a condition where the eyelids, nose and lips slowly slide off ones face), numbing of brain tissue, belly-button inversion, naughty shedding of garments on web cams, licorice addiction, and toaster speed racing.

I hope this helps. Feel free to ask questions regarding anything! I will be glad to research as much inappropriate information that I can find in five minutes or less. I am professional if I'm anything.

Dennis
MD (Me Dennis)
FKIA (F@#king Know It All)

The Great Recession

2009-05-19T11:43:00.028-04:00

My Hair Loss Secrets!

"It's early evening. Everyone has seated themselves in the smaller of the two assembly halls at the rec center. One-by-one, someone voluntarily stands up and moves to the front of the planted group. They walk over to the microphone snaking out of an old wooden dias with a grain that had once a smoothly varnished finish, but now, features a full compliment of hand-carved initials within hearts, left there by youthful love struck vandals. Each person announce their name, state their challenge, and wait briefly to receive an acknowledgement from the audience. Then, it's my turn. I do the walk, and position myself under the warming lamp thats hangs low enough to do so. I speak in the mike.

"Hi! My name is Dennis, and I'm a baldy.... not completely though! Compared to most of you guys, I'm freaking Repunzel! I feel like I'm talking to room full of bowling balls with eyes! I bet your kids try to paint your heads on Easter."

Exit, left.

There are many reasons for thinning hair or hair loss, aside from medical conditions and from medicines that can cause hair loss and, yes, there is such a thing as “female pattern baldness”, but..., I'd rather talk about myself.

I am one of the many men who are “follically challenged”. Most of us eventually accept Mother Nature's wrath, with all it's cruel and cold manner (I wear a hat, especially in the winter) and her silly genetic coding delivered by Mr. Heredity. I did not ask, and most would not, for my hair to abandon my once hirsute head.

So you start to drop some hair, here and there, now and then, and then one day someone mentions that your shiny spot is getting bigger. BIGGER!!!! Well, what are you gonna' do... besides panic, do a comb-over, cut your hair short, buy that spray-on hair-paint from Ron Popeil, start rubbing hot radishes or onions on your thinning scalp, have a cow lick your head, rub dry bees on your head. Concoctions, including one that consisted of toes of a dog, the refuse of dates, and a hoof of an ass (not my ass), was once used by Egyptian royalty. All these were considered cures for baldness at one time.

Baldness is even mentioned in the Christian bible (Kings 2: 23) where a bald man was mocked and chased by a large group of youths. According to the story, the baldy stopped and turned to deliver the youth a curse in the name of God, after which two bears came out of the woods and mauled forty-two of the misguided youngsters. The bald man ran back to the injured youth and stole any scalps pieces that the bears had torn off, placed them on his head and ran around the village shouting at top of his lungs, “Look at me, look at me! I have hair! I'm so very pretty”. This leads me to believe that there may have been other reasons he was chased out-of-town, being it was a Christian town and all. And you can check out Leviticus also. It says something about men in any state of baldness are all "pure men"!

My Less Than True Explanations for My Balding.

I just learnt that Nair is not a good shampoo.

My wife secretly yanks follicles out of my head while I sleep. Revenge for my snoring, no doubt!

Stress!!! It drives up blood pressure. High blood pressure pushes out the hair follicles from your scalp and leaves you as an embarrassed corpse with a bad toupee, after your massive stroke!

Baseball caps Do cause balding.

My brain is still growing, and it's starting to push out my hair making space for it's enormity.

I touch myself, OK! It's supposed to be a perfectly normal and healthy activity, and it's great for developing an awesome grip.

How I Explain the Recession.

I am losing my hair so gradually, that everyone will eventually notice.

I have been donating my follicles to cancer patients and hairless Chihuahuas.

I haven't lost my hair, it has simply migrated south.... via my back... to my ass. Do you know how hard it is to comb your back hair, let alone your ass hair!

My hair loss is because I, in particular produce way-way-way too much of the male sex hormone which causes side effects such as hair loss and extreme super sexual stamina.

I joined The Hairless Club for men! Not only am I a member, I'm also the president, secretary, and that weird guy who fetches coffee and doughnuts.

I have half of the Yule Brenner gene.

I used a Binford B8000 hair dryer, with 8000 energy sucking watts of scalp scorching heat delivered by a twin-turbine turbo aviation grade induction fan, capable of delivering over 600 knots of super heated hair drying. That would have the blow power equivalent to Katrini times a factor 3... in Hell... on a hot day.

Happiness is: Readers "Clicking" on a few of my sponsor ads. Eventually I will need a new keyboard or a surgery for tunnel carpal, and possibly more frequent visits with my therapist!

Every little click helps! :)

What I don't Know About Zoonoses

2009-05-05T13:58:00.027-04:00

My Stupid Thoughts on Zoonoses.

My best guess regarding these tricky animal viruses. Zoonoses has nothing to do animal noses, but has everything to do with viruses that cross from animal to mankind and womankind.

The Swine Flew! (Who knew pigs flu?) aka. Piggy flu, Porcine Bug, Porky Piggyitus, Bad Back Bacon Cold.

Avian Influenza -It's for the birds. See Alfred Hitchcock.

Vampirism – The biting flu. General consensus is that this virus sucks. Makes skin very sensitive to sunlight, and you can develop severe allergic reaction to garlic bread and wooden stakes.

Bartonellosis (Cat Scratch Fever) is an infectious disease produced by bacteria of the genus Bart Simpson. Causes bad kids to scratch good cats.

Werewolf Disease – Furry face disease, aka. The Gillette Razor Challenge Disease. aka The Robin Williams disease.

Hanta-Virus – Viruses from houses that have ghosts. Also available in mouse poop and mouse urine flavours.

Lassa Fever – Opposite of firsta fever. Nobody likes to be Lassa, even viruses.

Herpes B Virus – The 80% virus. should have studied harder to get an “A”.

Q Fever – A futuristic, omnipotent virus first encountered in the Alpha quadrant.

Cowpox – Like chicken pox, only bigger, without the feathers and beaks. Got it's name from dairymaids touching the udders of infected cows. You get red blisters and it is transmitted by touch from infected animals to humans. This is the cool part- When it is gone, the person is immune to smallpox. Really!

Sodoku – not to be confused with Sudoku fever or Saturday Night Fever.

West Nile Virus – is there an East Nile virus? Why Not?

Psittacosis- aka. parrot disease, parrot fever. Makes you crave for crackers and pirates.

Rabies- Do not animals bite you. Do not bite other animals, no matter how delicious... they... look!

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Reasons Opposition Leaders Dislike Harper

2008-12-05T17:48:00.024-05:00

Politicians make the best fiends... friends!

Feel free to click on any ads you see on this page!
This is how I pay for my internet connection and stuff.
Every little click counts!

Slots II - Way of Distraction - The Foil

2008-11-09T09:33:00.013-05:00

Other things to do besides Slots

Jump out of a plane, preferably with a chute, blindfolded, and with a bunch of whistles glued to your helmet.
Use a bench grinder to do your nails.
Pet alligators! I mean, like you would pet a dog.
Go for a walk in a prison yard, screaming “You're all guilty!” while shaking a wet bar of soap in the air.
Introduce dental hygiene to hibernating Grizzly bears.
Eat delicious, sun-ripened egg salad sandwiches.
Go hunting with Dick Cheney. He needs a new buddy.
Walk around an archery club with an apple strapped to your head.
Go to an Irish wake and rubber stamp the stiff's forehead with “DEAD MIC”.

Remember, gambling is not really a contributor to the economy as it is a re-distributor of wealth. It's a way to take your money and give it to strangers, with some for community building and excellent port-o-potties, and even some to pay very expensive salaries to executives (don't forget those annual bonuses), and a chunk to a few gamblers who just walked in the door to play for the first time, further making you more frustrated and irritable, if.

I've noticed that the cups they used for the old token system are gone. They were they too expensive apparently. That, and a couple of older folks have accidentally sipped back their tokens. Casinos never show people that run themselves, and their families, into huge debt chasing that one big win, nor do they show the hangers in the bathroom.

Responsibility

They do say, however, to gamble responsibly. Just how do they define responsible?

Do You Stop when:

You have lost the money you budgeted and smile.
You have lost a fair amount of money and lament the losses, and the busted budget.
You have lost a lot of money and you hide it from your partner, and the bank.
You have lost all your money, and your partner, and your dog bites you and then spits it out, and then it dies.
You have lost more money from the recent loan you took out, and Tony doesn't like it much when you are late with your payment. Capiche?
You have lost someone else monies, and that someone is the Seven-Eleven you visited the night before wearing your kids Halloween mask.
It's a trick question. You never stop, that's just the way it works, right? Responsible gambling addicts;never met one!

ps. Click an ad on this page so I can get a penny for my thoughts! Thanx!

How to Win Gambling Without Gambling at the Slots - Part 1

2008-10-27T11:09:00.008-04:00

Follow these five simple steps and you to can partially recover some money that otherwise would be wasted on a slot machine!

I give you PayPal account
You give me your PayPal account.
You take the amount of money you spend at the slots each week, and deposit it in my PayPal account.
Every two or three weeks, I will deposit up to half of what you deposited in my account, back into your PayPal account.
Repeat.

I'm happy because I'm supplying a service to the gambling public. You are somewhat happy because you actually get some money back.

Another way to win at gambling without gambling on slots, don't gamble.

You are 100% ahead when you keep your money away from those strangers at casinos. Honestly, do you really feel good if someone you don't even know, gets happy and wealthy off your money? If you have to do something with that cash that involves strangers, buy a homeless guy a meal, or a car, or even better, a house and solve one homeless problem, or see above and ask for my PayPal account.

Other things you could gamble with might include paying for you kids or grand kids education, or see above and ask for my PayPal account. You could take a trip to Japan or China or Hong Kong, or see above and ask for my PayPal account. Actually, I wouldn't mind seeing Japan or China or Hong Kong.

Gambling is a distraction for most people more than anything else. "Slots" are merciless and cold and actual machines. They are not possessed by magic entities that you either piss off resulting in losses, or that you please and they reward you by dropping a pittance in your complimentary coin cup. Many people playing slots think that the machines run hot and cold, or that they improve their chances of winning by sticking with a machine, or that tiny trinkets rubbed on the screen of the machine will evoke the gods of dinaros to consider paying out. Personally, I think tripping and banging your head on a machine will get you the best return, after the casino insurance pays up.

Good plan, eh!

ps. Click an ad on this page so I can get a penny for my thoughts! Thanx!

Listerine vs Mosquitoes

2008-09-01T01:35:00.025-04:00

(If Only Mosquitoes Would Rinse)

I have recently read several articles regarding the use of Listerine in the fight against the winged "pest" that shall remain nameless... until the next sentence.

Female mosquitoes, or as I and many three year old's call them, 'skittoes, are the biters of the species! And who among of us doesn't like to be subjected to a bite now and then, here and there, especially there.... Yes! Yes! 'Skittoes are primarily attracted by our exhaust breath ( CO2 ), moisture, warmth, body odour (BO2...this is my own personal chemistry symbol!).

In most bug sprays, the wonder chemical Deet is a used to fight away the girls. Deet basically F%+$s-up the mosquito's ability to find you. Listerine, on the other hand, will gives mosquitoes minty-fresh breathe and help make their buggy social gatherings less awkward. Unless you spray it directly on beasties, or get them to swim in a vat of the stuff, mosquitoes aren't particularly offended by Listerine.

I have a thought! What was it? Oh yah! Menthol, thymol, methyl salicylate, eucalyptol & ethanol are the ingredients of Listerine Gold, the old stuff, without the sugary flavours. All these chemicals are nasty by themselves, but only in huge amounts.

My thought, and for arguments sake, present and future, I am always correct, is this; the chemistry of our (people) exhaust breath may be altered enough by Listerine to eliminate the effects of CO2 as a potent source of attraction for the “bitch”in 'skittoes. Please know that I have yet to see a study that proves or disproves my hypothesis, primarily because I didn't bother to look. But we could put it to a test over a long weekend. Remember, use only the original or Gold Listerine, as that's the one with the most ethanol, and therefore causes the most medical emergency crises, what with the cirrhosis, and the drunkenness, and the death involving real life bumper cars.

Other random thoughts:

If we give the male mosquitoes tiny little mints that make their breath smell carbon dioxish, maybe the female biters will go after them instead. This should pretty much eradicate their existence.... totally!

Do mosquitoes bite dead things? If they don't, then I suggest we paint big X's on our eye lids, and close them when mosquitoes approach.

Wear a cedar or pine wreath around neck, and wreathlets on your wrists and ankles. (Note: Keep a safe distance from campfires and dogs with busy bladders.) I read somewhere that the Voyageurs hung a cedar branch in front of their faces to deter mosquitoes and black flies. It may explain why it took those guys so long to discover this great country, and also the large bumps on their foreheads from walking into trees.

Appoint a Designated Mosquito Attractor (DMA). They can sit NAKED ( that's such a fun word to say, less so when typed), and probably intoxicated (ethanol - for itch control) in a smallish plastic swimming pool, at a safe distance far enough away to protect the much more sober crowd than he or she (she gets my vote as DMA). To help attract the little buggers, set up a teeny-tiny bingo in the pool and then watch as those females biters swarm in.

Ask the city of Ottawa (or ask your local municipality, it's probably a lot closer) to give you a bottle of whatever the hell it is they put in the sewers to fight the spread of West Nile. If it's safe enough for our sewers then it's probably safe to drink, or rub on, or put it in a lake.

Call and invite someone from Chem-lawn to your next outdoor activity. Get a veteran, one who has been spraying pesticides for a few years. We can all hover around him or her when the bugs start a biting. I assume these pest control people are basically inoculated and mosquito-repellent by virtue of over exposure to pesticides.

Facts About Mosquitoes (So I'm Told)

Both male and female mosquitoes are nectar feeders. Consider spraying Deet on plants in your flower or vegetable garden.

Mosquitoes are estimated to transmit disease to more than 700 million people annually in Africa, South America, Central America, Mexico and much of Asia with millions of resulting deaths. #One- Change your travel plans. #Two- Fund a program that will train the populations of these aforementioned countries in proper mosquitoes swatting technique. #Three- Hire mosquitoes to delivery the mail while they are at it.

In Europe, Russia, Greenland, Canada, the United States, Australia, New Zealand, Japan and other temperate and developed countries, mosquito bites are now mostly an irritating nuisance, much like bankers, lawyers, and Wal-Mart greeters. They still cause some deaths each year mostly from viruses and bug-smacking injuries.

Controlling the Mosquito

Source Reduction- the removal of mosquito breeding habitats. Stop selling beds and sex toys to bugs!

Habitat Modification- manipulating habitats to reduce breeding or access. No doors or windows on homes???

Bio-control- introducing natural predators of mosquitoes. Cats are great for this, if you can get the 'skittoes to wear Mickey Mouse ears!

Larvicide- using pesticides to reduce larval populations. "Run, Larvals, run!"

Adulticide- using pesticides to reduce adult populations. Well, I guess that will take care of the mother-in-law, but what about the mosquitoes?

Keep this in mind; females do not require blood for survival, but they do need supplemental substances, like protein and iron, to develop eggs. What we really should consider is mosquito vitamin supplements. You know, some folic acid or something.

I have now lost track and I am now thinking about four eared bunny rabbits.
Dennis

Easter - Mentions in my Old Emails

2008-03-21T15:19:00.010-04:00

To My Son, as a reminder at school:

"This is DAD! Please fill out agenda. Bring home all homework and uncompleted assignments. Capture Easter Bunny and put on key chain. Lucky rabbit's foot-Good...Lucky Rabbit... Great, awkward, but Great.

DAD
Designated Driver for Golf Team"

To My Brother and his Family - Easter 2005

Howdy Murdock’s,
The commercialization of yet another great and valued celebration, overshadows the true and pure reason we hold Easter dear to our hearts. The first true long weekend authorized and condoned by our government. As we take time to reflect, we should not forget the greatest sacrifice of all, overtime work by dear chocolate makers.

Anyone notice that white-chocolate bunnies are somewhat outnumbered by the bunnies of colour. And why eggs? I think I’d be more impressed with Easter watermelons. That last comment has nothing has nothing to do with the bunnies of colour, just size... of eggs, I mean!!! But then again, eggs lead to chicken, and chocolate chickens is just weird, and not my idea.

Has anyone ever seen a chocolate Jesus? I figure, it’s his party. The least we could do is make a chocolate Jesus. A big one. A big, chocolate, Jesus. They probably wouldn’t sell very well, especially in the south, like in Georgia or Alabama. Not because of local chocolate intolerance. I was thinking about the general lack of good oral hygiene, or, more bluntly, the general lack of actual teeth. And you would probably never get a redneck to suck on a big chocolate Jesus. A chocolate pig, maybe. A chocolate Ned Beaty, definitely! Jesus . . . and Deliverance? And watch out this long weekend. Don’t ever take a canoe trip, during Easter, anywhere in the southern US where banjos are legal.

Anyway, hope you all have a great Easter! Eat lots of chocolate, and other stuff, such as ham and chocolate, with potatoes and chocolate. And eat leafy green salad, in honour of bunnies everywhere.

We must remember Jesus’ words as he was fastened to the cross. “Hey, Hey, Hey! Those are nails! Stop that! Ow! That really hurts! Stop! I don’t have my tetanus shots up to date!
Crap! You missed, you stupid,stupid, Roman goon. I think you broke my hand! You broke my frigging hand! Wait til’ my Dad hears about this!

Okay! Okay! Tell you what. I’ll give back the fish and bread! And... I’ll admit, I wasn’t so much walking on water, as it was skiing behind the boat. Would you believe it was winter, and it was really just a shallow little fish pond? You see, I had all this wine and well, you know what they say,"what do you do with the drunken sailors?", right? I was having fun with them.
C’mon pal. I’ll get you into Heaven free!
How about a nice goat? I have a cousin, John, and he has this herd of goats! A nice herd! He’ll even wash one up for you, maybe put a frilly little dress on it, a little rouge . . . Ow! Jesus! Christ, I just took my own name in vain!
Remember, do as I say not as I do!
Look. I’m sorry. I always mix up Romans and Greeks. I didn’t mean anything with the goat! Will you stop with the nails already?!
If I ever get out this thing, there will be Hell to pay!”

Dennis O:-) Offender of the Gods
Melody, Tolerator of the Dennis
Drew Son of Dad
Kawai Nikkou (Japanese for "Amanda Elena") Murdock
Sarah Power Player
Bluey the Beta fish The One Finned Wonder Fish

Responding to an Invite:

Tiffany wrote:

Are you coming for Easter dinner on the Saturday before Easter Sunday(don't know the date)? RSVP's required. ha ha.

Tiff

-Answer-

Yes Please!!!! Will there be bunnies?

Dennis et All

What Grade 6 Science Students Are Saying About Uranus!

2008-01-21T10:56:00.000-05:00

Uranus is sideways. Which makes it unique unless you are looking at Uranus when laying down in bed.
Uranus is really blue because of it's methane.
Uranus has gas. In fact, Uranus is constantly expelling methane, and producing more to make up for it. Uranus probably smells a lot like methane. This gas make Uranus very flammable. You should not smoke on Uranus, because you might burn Uranus.
Uranus has rings around it. Someone counted the rings of Uranus and said it had three. It was in all the papers.
Uranus is the only planet called by a Greek name. It was named after a Greek god and men were very afraid of him, and probably some sheep too.
Uranus is 51,118 km in diameter. Uranus is huge!
A day on Uranus is a few hours shorter than a day on Earth. Time flies when you are spending time on Uranus.
Uranus likely has a rocky core, and has been struck with asteroids. Uranus had no preparation for the asteroids.
Sir William Herschel discovered Uranus on March 13, 1781, before you were even born.

How to your hands on papers for Uranus.

http://www.space.com/spacewatch/surprise_planets_021007.html

Diets to Die For!

2007-02-14T16:22:00.000-05:00

Diets aren't all they crack up to be, especially when celebrities and the like are involved. It's basically a numbers game. Calories in, calories out, or you go up or down depending on the imbalance. I decided to look at some of the pros and cons of diets the Hollywood Types follow and endorse.

The Drop Dead Gorgeous Diet (aka. Anna N Smith) Famous weight loser and TrimSpa fanatic and dead rich, not rich, rich person who, according to recent fake pictures, actually used Slim Fast as her foodlessness drink of choice. TrimSpa claimed this would be a violation of her contact and legal action would ensue if true. They would seek damages in the amount of half a billion and possession of Anna's new TrimSpa baby. The diet apparently goes like this. Take can of TrimSpa, chuck it in the garbage, take a can of Slim Fast and mix with methadone and a touch of booze. She did this because, apparently, most weight loss drinks contain little to no methadone or alcohol. She lost 60 lbs.and several million brain cells on this diet. She's no quitter. Her goal now is to take off the rest of pounds on her new Deep Six Diet.

Lance Armstrong's Plastic Testicle and EPO Diet.
Nuttin' better than hormones to take the edge off hard training for the Tour de Farce. Always the consummate athlete, Lance uses only the best vitamins and supplements and, of course, rare naturally occurring synthetic injectables, harvested from the dankest, darkest recesses of sports laboratories from around the world. Since his retirement Lance has changed over to a maintenance program entitled The Back Peddling Diet.

Kirstie Alley's - "I Ate Jenny Craig" Diet. First she ate Shelly Long, not much meat there. As the years went bye-bye Kirstie ran into trouble with love and food. She loves... food. Eventually she was engaged to sponsor, for money, the Jenny Craig empire. All the frozen sawdust dinners you can eat and, finally, a new show on television...30 seconds at a time... commercials.
More to follow...

February Hannibal Lecter Special - 5% Off All Bodies!

2007-02-11T19:26:00.000-05:00

The challenge was issued. The participants are hungry for a win. 5% of current body weight by the end of February. Let the fast begin! Let the fats lessen!
I'll try to impart some info, to all interested, on the various elements of what the Roman's called "tubbius reductionus".
Later!