before

and after

The new art is something I’m really proud of… I painted it myself! I told Becka she could take the maps with her, because I was ready for something new. I took old canvases that I bought at thrift stores and painted right over the (SO UGLY) paintings that were on them before. I had tons of fun. :)

Today as I was leaving to pick up my niece, I spied a box on my porch, and lo and behold! It was from Lyn and her sister Ky, and it was full of Canadian goodness. I opened it up, and inside was more than I was expecting to see.

This one made me laugh.

There was some sort of maple taffy…

And they even included a tiny Canadian flag pin!

I put the pin on my favorite hat:

And the chips… the CHIPS. Oh my goodness. I loved the “All Dressed” Ruffles. SO GOOD. And the dill pickle ones, of course, were amazing. The ones that surprised me were the ketchup ones. I didn’t think I would like them a lot because I’m not a huge ketchup fan, but they are amazing. They don’t really taste like ketchup; they just taste good.

AND there were two mix CDs of Canadian musicians. These girls know me, I’m telling you… chips, chocolate and music? BEST PACKAGE EVER.

Thank you guys so much! You’re the best.

Me: Hello?
Mom: H’lloooo, it’s your other mother.
Me: (thinking she’s just trying to be funny) Haha. What’s up?
Mom: Dad and I are just on our way over to that house and we thought we’d stop by the other one while we’re out. What’s the address again?
Me: Uh, I’m not sure.
Mom: Oh.
Me: Wait, are you trying to talk to (my sister-in-law) Christin?
Mom: OHHHHHH.
Me: HAHAHAHAHA.
Mom: I’m sorry… I thought it was weird that Daniel called us and then he wasn’t the one to pick up.
Me: I thought it was weird that you called yourself my “other mother” but I just thought you were trying to be funny.

The world, as we know it, might end without my genius idea being shared, but it’s just going to have to end, because that sucker’s GONE.

So, this one time, I lived in a two-bedroom, one-bathroom house with three other girls. I lived there for a little over three years, and  about 2-1/2 years in, in December, we have a problem with the toilet… it won’t flush. We have had minor incidents in the past due to some roots that grew into the pipes, but this was BAD. We call our landlords, and they tell us that they’ll call someone in a few days. (!) We are like, “A few days? OUR TOILET DOES NOT FLUSH. It is already full of unspeakable things.” And they say, “Well, since J & A (next door neighbors) are good friends of yours maybe you can just use their toilet.” We are like, “Um, CALL A PLUMBER.” So they do, but we ACTUALLY HAVE to use our neighbors’ toilet for two entire days, and pee in the backyard at night when their door is locked. Terribly inconvenient, especially because we have a huge party happening in our house one of the days.

It gets worse though.

So the plumber comes and goes to whatever out-spout is in our side yard, and he is out there for what seems like a year.  Finally, he comes around to the front of the house where we were, and says, with the biggest, reddest blush I’ve ever seen, “There are too many tampons in there. I can’t get them all out… you’ll have to call someone else.” And then he got in his truck and left, just like that. We in turn burst out laughing, and called our landlady to tell her the bad news.

It still gets worse.

So the new plumber comes, and he is HOT. Hot, hot, hot. Like, tall, dark & handsome hot. Of course. He goes back to the access area and is there for maybe five minutes before coming out and telling us that the first plumber almost had it and if he had just kept going that he totally could have gotten it unclogged. So we are like, “Sweet, we are happy to be able to use the toilet again.” Hot plumber leaves, and we continue with our lives.

Unbelievably, I still haven’t told you the worst part.

One sunny afternoon, in, like, June, I happen to be walking around in the freshly-mown yard when I spot something weird peeking out from the grass in the side yard. I approach the object to get a closer look, and what do my eyes behold? A pile of old, matted tampons, just sitting there under the drain access thingie. The plumber had pulled them out AND JUST LEFT THEM THERE. They had been there for SIX MONTHS.

So we left them too.

I turned the light off at 1:30 or so because even though I wasn’t tired I knew I needed sleep, but it took me a long time to go to sleep… the last time I checked the clock it was after 2:30. When I finally fell asleep I had this crazy dream that someone was chasing me and my mom & sister; stalking us through the bushes. It was terrifying, and I was aware enough of my surroundings to force myself to wake up before anyone caught us. I have never done that before… It kind of astounded me. I felt like, “What just happened?” That was about 4 am.

My whole body felt so heavy, and all I wanted to do was sleep. I finally fell back asleep, but I could feel myself slipping back into the same scary dream, so I had to keep pulling myself out of it and thinking of happy songs and funny movies in order to distract myself. Finally I fell asleep and didn’t dream again, but it was still that light, semi-aware dozing, AND I woke up AGAIN at 5 or 5:30 in the morning.

I woke up again at 7, 9 and 10ish and finally got out of bed at 11 or so. I have never been so exhausted in my whole life. I am tired now, but I haven’t gone to bed yet because I’m kind of afraid the same thing will happen. I’m wondering if it’s some kind of reaction to the hydrocodone the doctor prescribed me… I’m hoping not because it does help with the coughing. It’s so hard to sleep when I am coughing non-stop. But I guess the only way to find out is to give it a try, so off I go. I took it earlier tonight than I did last night, so hopefully tonight will just be restful.

Naps sans pants, a la a three-year-old.

That is all.

I can’t handle the way old men smell.
I can’t keep a plant alive. Give one to me and witness the immediate beginning of the end.
I can’t pay more than $30 for a pair of jeans.
I can’t let a typo remain in anything I have ever typed.
I can’t play pretend. I’m always embarrassed, even if the only person around is six.
I can’t stop picking at hangnails and other various pieces of dead skin. SOMEBODY STOP ME.

I can put my hands flat on the floor without bending my knees.
I can remember birthdays of people I’m not even friends with anymore.
I can find amazing deals at thrift stores.
I can hold a baby like a champ.
I can go days without showering.
I can make great coffee.

I won’t pee in the woods, ever. Who has two thumbs and has to have a toilet? THIS GIRL.
I won’t ever cut bangs again.
I won’t shake my booty.
I won’t ever understand the boy band phenomenon.
I won’t stop dreaming about having a husband to be silly with and kids to embarrass.
I won’t ever like music by Philip Glass.

I will probably cut bangs again at some point. Rinse, regret, repeat.
I will always freak out when a moth or mosquito eater is flying around anywhere near me. DO NOT WANT.
I will get contacts the next time I get my eyes checked.
I will always laugh too loudly.
I will always use my thumb for a microphone when I’m singing to my sister in the car.
I will always feel more comfortable in a hoodie.

I shouldn’t be so worried about what other people think of me.
I shouldn’t spend so much money.
I shouldn’t eat sugar, like, at all.
I shouldn’t let my art supplies languish alone and unused in a drawer.
I shouldn’t buy any more purses.
I shouldn’t pick my toes. Buuuuuuut I do.

I should take my vitamins.
I should be more diligent about my car’s maintenance.
I should vacuum more often.
I should let people be close to me.
I should make more of an effort to relax my muscles instead of always holding myself in tense wariness.
I should take more naps.

So send your name & address to brookage [at] gmail and I’ll send you a postcard!