Oh Say Can You Say?

Change Will Be Good

2010-07-18T11:59:00.000-05:00

The past few weeks have been a whirlwind, to say the least. I have hesitated blogging about it, but since most of my support system is gone, I have to have an outlet. Plus, like 3 people read this thing, so meh...

Last night's sermon was one of the most powerful I have ever been a part of. I know God is answering my questions. He is answering them so eloquently that it blows me away. It's overwhelming at times.

It is strange not to go to the same place on Sunday that I have for 5 years. I like familiarity. I struggle in new social situations and don't make friends easily, which is my own fault. Perhaps that is why I work so well with children who have autism. :-) When I saw an old friend at the new church last night, I was so excited. We have similar pasts and she has been through a lot of what I have in my life time. I love her dearly, and it was great to worship with her again.

I feel closer to God than I have in a very long time. It's one of those times in life where He is all you've got and He starts piecing together the puzzle right before your eyes.

Of course, it is hard. All of it is hard. I think most days I am still in shock about everything that has transpired. It is a reminder that all you can really trust in is God. My heart hurts, the stress has thrown me into a flare, but we will get through this.

My husband has shown such incredible faith in this time and I am so proud of him.

Anticipation

2010-05-11T00:41:00.002-05:00

I can't sleep tonight. Why? Because Tuesday I see an OB/GYN. Why? To find out if I should hold on our let go of the chance of bearing another child. I never thought my biological clock, or whatever it is, would be causing an inner struggle in me. I told myself before that I would never ever bear another child.

I constantly remind myself of all the things that went wrong the first time. Hyperemesis Gravidarum, Preeclampsia, Hellp Syndrome, a premature baby with three holes in her heart and a momma that had pretty severe postpartum depression.

I got my miracle, why do I want more?

Not only are there the risks of the previous pregnancy, but now I add in thyroid disease, a heart problem and I am currently fighting off pre-diabetes. When I write it out, I feel ridiculous for even considering it.

As much as I long for another child, I just don't think my body could handle it. I need a definitive answer. I've prayed and cannot distinguish God's answer from my own desires.

Will we adopt? Who knows... At this point, and for a while in the future, we certainly cannot afford the adoption process. I'm not even sure how we would feel about adopting. At this point, I want a child with my husband, which sounds incredibly selfish.

I want my precious Ainsley to have a sibling, but that is for God to decide, not me.

He gives the childless woman a family,
making her a happy mother.
Praise the Lord!
Psalm 113:9

Random Thoughts and Streams of Consciousness

2010-01-18T10:12:00.003-06:00

I wish every week was a 4 day week! I love having more time at home.

Praying, begging, pleading with God about Ainsley's appointment today.

I prefer not to think about, or deal with, the news of not being able to have more children.

God is opening my heart and filling me with Crazy Love.

I am tired of spats with my in-laws. Why is it so hard to just "get along." I feel like I will never succeed in those relationships.

Newsflash: Everything is NOT our fault!

I need to lose 20 pounds for my health, and don't know where to even start.

I realized on Saturday, that I should have been there for a friend, and I have not.

It felt good to talk to someone about things that I keep hidden so far down inside...things that never get talked about.

Still do not know what to do about our church situation. It's like the song "Do we stay or do we go now?"

If Ainsley does have this dreaded autoimmune disease, I want to stay home full-time and take care of her and help her get her health back, and teach her how to manage. I guess we would actually be teaching each other.

I do not think that anyone realizes that Nick and Linley leaving is having a huge impact on Ainsley right now. It upsets me that no one has thought of her in all of this.

Lately, I have wanted to connect with a half-sister and half-brother that I have never met before.

Questions, Gifts, Frustrations, Answers

2009-10-25T16:08:00.002-05:00

I have had a very sorry attitude lately about church. I seem to be deeply connected to God in every other facet of my life, except church. When I am there, I am restless inside, I cannot sit still. Every little thing brings me to a point of rage. It was not like this 2 months ago and I am praying for answers.

I am not sure if it is time to leave the church or stay and work through it. I feel like God is leading me to ask questions and I am trying to make sure that it isn't just me, that it is truly God leading me. He has placed these questions on my heart over and over and the strange thing is, when I go to another church that I have been led to, these EXACT questions are answered. What do I make of this?

I do feel like if I ask a question in my church, I am viewed as a trouble-maker. I have taken the spiritual gifts test (from my church) three times, and every single time, I get the results of Prophecy, Encouragement and Mercy. All within one point of each other.

What do they even mean? Am I allowed to ask such questions of our church leadership?

What is "Normal," Anyway?

2009-10-02T23:56:00.002-05:00

God has blessed me. I absolutely love being a part of His work. He is allowing me to work with some of his most amazing creations. It is overwhelming that He loves me this much. I recently got moved from LHS to a middle school. And while it has been so hard leaving my LHS student, I put it in God's hands and have had a beautiful experience at the middle school. The teachers I work with are wonderful and now I want to stay there!!! I honestly forget that these kids are "special," or whatever label people want to call them. They are wonderful kids who have experienced so much in their short lives. I have a respect for them for the things they have endured. I love them!

A-1- She is beautiful. Her only set back is a few learning disabilities. She will be fine and live an independent life. She is a typical, girly 14 year old girl that helps out all of the other kids in the house. She is sweet and will probably be in inclusion classes when she goes to high school.

E- He was "normal" until a few years ago when he suffered a traumatic brain injury. He was riding his bike and got hit by a semi. He dances ALL the time, constantly makes jokes and claims he is his mom's favorite kid.

A-2- She looks completely "normal." She would definitely be a cheerleader if she hadn't been thrown against a wall as a baby. She has a heart of gold and adores Ainsley. She is the eldest sister of 6 girls and she is beautiful.

A-3-She is the female Napoleon. She was also born "typical." At 18 months old, her grandmother accidentally ran over her in the driveway, leaving her blind and mentally retarded. These TBI's are hard to swallow, but she reads Braille amazingly.

K-A gorgeous red-headed little girl that is learning how to drive a purple power chair. She is as cute as a button. She was born at 24 weeks, which is why she is "special needs." She loves to be around people and she loves to sing. She is precious.

M-He is autistic. Not Asperger's, but full-blown autistic. He is usually VERY serious and says weird things like "Fish Eating Crabs" or "Roger, that" and you must answer his questions with "Affirmative or Negative." He is quirky, he is big. He and I have connected (have I mentioned I LOVE autistic kids??) and even though he can be rough and he screams like a girl, he knows that I can see through that and I appreciate his world. We talk and hang out a lot during the day. He has an autistic brother at home, so his mother certainly has his hands full. He's just a big teddy bear and he knows all of the presidents of the US in order, I might add!!

L-Oh, L. He was the reason for my reassignment. He is autistic and completely unmedicated. He has been homeschooled until this year, so he has never really been around other adults or children. Before I was reassigned, he was a runner. Once, he ran 2 blocks from the school before anyone caught up with him. He is smart and loves the computer and is the loviest autistic child I have ever been around. Even though there are days when he will not allow anyone into his world, I love to hear him say "Okay, Mrs. Jones."

Oh, how I love these kids. Some days are truly like living in a nursing home or a funny farm, but I would not trade it for anything. And even though this kids are labeled as "not normal," I find it amazing that God would put them in my path. They are beautiful, special children and I cannot imagine teaching "normal" kids. I also love that Ainsley loves to spend time after school with them and wants to be there everyday. God is good!!!

Freaked Out

2009-08-21T17:00:00.002-05:00

Ugh. I am absolutely, positively freaked out about everything (well, not EVERYTHING) right now. I do not feel "anxious," per se, more like that blank, big-eyed, pale-faced "Oh CRAP!" kind of feeling. Pretty certain that this is a whole new level of anxiety altogether (j/k).

First off... My BABY, the 7lb 1oz tiny newborn, is starting first grade on Monday. She's ready for school (she thinks that she is ready for college), but something about first grade hits me in the gut and knocks the wind out of me. This feeling is contributing to a raging case of baby fever, which is a whole other book, itself.

And then there is my school starting. I am realizing how much it is going to take away from my time with Austin, and it makes me re-think the whole thing. My saving grace in life is being home with him. I have 4 books for this semester (8 weeks!). And my thought is Oh S*&^, when I am I going to read 4 books, in EIGHT WEEKS?

And work.. Oh my.. School and work go hand in hand, since I am working on my Master's in Special Education. One think about me? I am compassionate to a fault. I see injustice in any way, shape, or form in this world and it rips my heart out. Just like when Dixie passed away. I had to retreat from her family because knowing how different their life was going to be and I felt like I had seriously had my heart ripped out. These waves of grief were much larger than the waves of grief I had experienced before. So, I digress... I am going to be working with 15-22 year -olds with severe mental retardation. So I think, "I feel so noble! I feel so proud and full." Fool is more like it. It never occured to me that these are ADULTS. Some of them cannot use the toilet on their own. They still menstruate, and coupled with the previous sentence, that's where you get that "OH CRAP!" look. Yes, I can humble myself to take care of these problems, but can I REALLY do it? Seriously? EVERY DAY? This could become my "norm?" I immediately think "No way... there is no way." And I rationalize "Well, when I get my Master's, I will be working more with Inclusion issues, not severe and profound children." Who knows if a job in that will even be available? And what if I can't do this and I don't end up finishing my degree? What if I HATE teaching? What if I can't stand the school setting? I come from an industry that has something called offices. When you can't deal anymore, you going into your own office and shut the door. I am in a tiny room with 3 other colleagues that I cannot escape from, except to go to the restroom (and they are SCHOOL restrooms. Remember what school restrooms smell like? You don't want to be there long, at all.) One of these colleagues uses the N word frequently. And of course, that word makes me want to VOMIT!!! Hello!! I am the PC police of my generation!!!
My position is maybe one step above janitor. And there is very much a hierarchy in a school setting. It doesn't matter if I am I working on my Masters. There is the same treatment (good, bad/indifferent) to the Teacher's Aide that didn't finish high school and the TA who is working on her Master's degree. Nope, not any difference.

And to boot, I have a some sort of horrid cold, flu or strep throat. Why not an actual diagnosis? Because my Cobra papers have not come in from my last job's insurance (although they say they mailed them 8/14) and my new insurance doesn't start until 9/1. Off topic: My doctor is not even going to be on my new insurance. "OH CRAP" again, because we will have to suck up the costs of that and just see him as an out of network provider. Sooooo, I refuse to pay $150 to go to the doctor if it isn't a big deal. Either way, it's not good that I am sick. I have been several months without being really sick and now, well, I'm really sick. I'm terrified.

Whew... I know a few things. My God is good and my God keeps His promises. 1. I can do all things in Christ who strengthens me. 2. He will not lead me off a cliff. 3. Lean on Him, embrace Him, because He is the ONLY one who is going to get me through any of this!!

I can say, in the past, that I had issues trusting God with such MAJOR life changes. Instead of leaning on him through the worst of my illness, I'd run to the ER for every little symptom, because I was terrified that God was going to let me die.

This time, though, it's all His. It's all about trust and obedience. It is not going to be easy, and that's how I KNOW it is God's work. He wants me out of my comfort zone and to work hard for Him. And so, I will do His work with enthusiasm. I prayed for God to let me do His work, and look how fast He answers? He told me it would be tough, and I guess I will soon find out if I am strong enough for His work.

God In My Radio, Again...

2009-07-14T09:17:00.003-05:00

The God that is with you on the mountain top is the same God that is with you down in the valleys. He will not leave you to be alone.

The Armor of God

2009-07-08T13:38:00.001-05:00

The past few weeks have been full of spiritual warfare. I do not care for that term because I honestly do not believe that the devil is out to get me (although I do work with Satan's spawn).

Anyway, God led me to this piece of scripture:

Ephesians 6:10-20 (New International Version)
The Armor of God 10Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. 11Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. 12For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. 13Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. 14Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, 15and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. 16In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. 17Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. 18And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
19Pray also for me, that whenever I open my mouth, words may be given me so that I will fearlessly make known the mystery of the gospel, 20for which I am an ambassador in chains. Pray that I may declare it fearlessly, as I should.

I love this girl!

2009-06-27T00:38:00.002-05:00

What an insane month!! Work has never been so busy, a beautiful member of my family went to be with her God, teaching VBS, having a flare-up of thyroid issues....

Even though I was feeling horribly tired and sick all week, God somehow gave me the strength to teach VBS this week. My amazingly wonderful husband joined me, even though I am pretty sure it was exhausting for him, too. All week long, I kept thinking "Why God, why does VBS have to be this week?" or "Couldn't Dixie have died NEXT week?"

I have been beyond tired. My hormones are all out of sorts. 20 kids aged 4-6 can do a number on you when you are mentally and physically drained. But God kept telling me "This is where you are supposed to be." He gave me just enough energy to make it through without having a total melt down.

Today, I was so tired getting up for work. I had a nasty headache and just 3 hours at work and I couldn't take it anymore. I came home sick and slept for two and a half hours. After picking up Ainsley, she and I took a 2 hour nap and we were late to VBS.

On the way to VBS, Ainsley talked about becoming a Christian. She has been talking about it and asking questions for months. Honestly, Austin and I thought she was much too young to be making any kind of decision like that at age six and a half. We talked about it a little more in-depth tonight and right when we pulled up to church she announced "I am ready to become a Christian."

I did some checking with our pastor (whose daughter also made the commitment at age 6) and decided that the Holy Spirit was definitely working in my baby.

We somehow found a quite time and an empty space and she prayed that beautiful prayer. Afterwards, she was shaking, but happy. And, it hit me.. "THIS is why I am supposed to be at VBS this week." (God usually has to hit me in the head).

I am praying for her this weekend. She is with her dad and I know how hard it is to be around someone that isn't so supportive in that area right after God saves you. I pray that the Lord continues to work in her big, loving, compassionate heart.

She is amazing and I don't know why God thinks I deserve such a sweet, beautiful child.

Of Love and Anger and Loss

2009-06-18T00:02:00.002-05:00

The last few weeks have been so draining. I have needed to write out all of my feelings to get them off of my chest (and hopefully allow me to sleep better).

When my grandparents passed away, I never felt "angry." There was one day that I was angry at my grandmother, and that is because the one thing she left me was very hurtful.

This "new" grief has left me so incredibly angry. I am not angry with God, or with anyone or anything in particular, I just pissed off.

I have been lashing out at my sister and co-workers, and I find myself quickly apologizing, asking for forgiveness. I know, in my heart, that lashing out is wrong, I just do not know how to make it go away. Maybe it is just the stress and when my health reserves are replenished, things will be better.

Dixie was so sweet to me. Up until a few years ago, we were family, but we were not "close." We became close when Dixie tried to protect me from finding out that I was not in my mother's will. It was right after my grandmother died and we were turning the house upside down, looking for my grandmother's will. Dixie knew that my mom's will was in the same place and told my mom that she had better find it before I did. Dixie never told me, as I quickly figured it out on my own and my sister confirmed my suspicions. Soon after this event, I went to counseling to learn how to deal with my mom. Dixie protected me from hurt, which is something my mother never did for me.

Yes, yes, I love my mom, and my dad for that matter. However, as hard as it is to say, I love them out of obedience to God. Things were easier when I was 400 miles away from her and leaving my child with her, alone, is one of the hardest things I have to do. I appreciate my mom and know that she loves Ainsley.

Well, as much as she can love. See, my mom has narcissistic parent disorder. Does she know this or admit this? No, because she is a narcissist. Her mother was a narcissist, as well. I loved my grandmother deeply and she very much fulfilled the role of mother in my life, but it was quite dysfunctional.

Once I was in counseling, I learned tools to deal with my mom, so that I could continue to love her without getting hurt so much. I learned that my mother is not capable of empathy or sympathy. She is not capable of unconditional love. She does not purposefully do this, it is a personality disorder. Another common part of NPP is choosing one sibling over the other (which I will get to later), that I have also come to deal with. It isn't my sister's fault that my mom behaves in the ways that she does and I love my sister dearly.

Oh, but Dixie understood. She was the one member in my family that recognized that Austin and I got married. She was there for me when I was sick. She adored Austin and Ainsley. She was my proof that there was unconditional love in my family. She would build me up, not tear me down. And she knew that I did not deserve the way my mother treats me. Dixie was close to my mom, too.

I have asked the question a few times "Why Dixie?" It sounds horrible, but if you had any idea what I've been through with my mother, you'd understand the second part of the question: "Why not MY mom, instead?"

I know it is up to God. I know His timing is perfect. He spared our precious Christian sister from having to find out she had cancer and live through the horrible treatments. I am awed at the image of her sitting at the feet of her Saviour, our Saviour.

I have just been so stressed, so tired, so angry, so empty. And then today, my sister drops another bomb on me by telling me that she is moving (with her husband and child) in with my mother. It is a whole other issue, but it has to be one of the most unhealthy and marriage crushing things she could do. The first thing I learned about having a narcissistic parent is the importance of boundaries and not allowing them to be co-dependent. It's a mess, really, especially since my sister's marriage has been on the rocks for nearly 2 years.

I have realized, through the past two weeks, that there is a distinct difference between me and the rest of my family. I am believer, truster and obeyer in God. I do not do anything good myself, it is God's work. It is so hard having non-believers so close. I try to love them like Jesus loves them, even though they constantly turn their backs on Him. Sometimes I feel like I am getting to a point that I have to stop trying to convert them, and let them live with their own choices. But, the "wear your bleeding heart on your shoulder" part of me comes out and I just can't do it. I feel like I have to do everything I can to save them.

More than anything, I feel for Dixie's kids and her husband. I hate that they have to deal with the financial issues and every detail that comes along with death. I am sad that a wonderful wife and loving mother were taken away.

I am praying that I feel better, health-wise, and that God will restore me.

"But the LORD replied, "Have you any right to be angry?" " Jonah 4:4

Waves of Grief

2009-06-09T00:23:00.002-05:00

The waves of grief you feel when a loved one passes away is an interesting process. You mostly stay in shock and disbelief until reality hits you. It only lasts a few short minutes because your mind can not handle that much sadness at once. I have always believed it is God's way of letting us slowly sink in to life without a loved one.

Sudden Passing

2009-06-08T21:51:00.003-05:00

Today started as any other Monday. Waking up late and running around trying to get ready for work while spending quality time with my daughter.

I talked to my mom (she was keeping Ains today). Two minutes later my mom calls back and said "There's been an emergency, Dixie is dead."

Who is Dixie? Dixie was my mom's cousin, who was an aunt to me. Any major event in our lives, Dixie was there. She had a beautiful forgiving heart and was, by far, the strongest follower of Jesus in our family. Dixie was the ONLY person to give Austin and me her blessings when we got married. She was the only one who sent a card or a gift. Dixie was with us when my grandfather parted this world and comforted us a year later when my grandmother passed on.

Dixie was always dressed nicely without a hair out of place. She was known for her perfume and you knew when Dixie walked into a room because of that wonderful fragrance.

We have asked ourselves today, "Why Dixie?" Even though she had a college degree, she put off her career to take care of her family. Her husband is lost right now, and I cannot imagine the pain of losing your life-long partner. Her children, who are close to my age, have no words.

We are all in shock.

She had a picture of Ainsley on her refrigerator which reminded me just how much I love her.

Heaven has a new precious spirit.

So Little Time

2009-06-02T08:52:00.003-05:00

That seems to be the theme of everything lately.... No time!

I love to be busy at work, from 8-5, but I don't care for the lack of down time, lately.

Ainsley started at Tega today. She will have so much fun, but it is hard to put her in daycare after she worked her rear off at school this year.

Speaking of school, I am going to graduate school in the fall, while working full time. How? God's grace. :-) I am going back to get my Masters in Special Education and my teaching certificate. This is something that God laid on my heart many years ago and everything has fallen into place recently. It will mean even more changes, but they will be temporary.

This past weekend, Austin and I had to re-tile the bathroom. I use "had" because after that experience, I would not re-tile anything unless it was in dire need. It looks great, but we are still exhausted and it was an unexpected expense.

We need a vacation. Please pray that God will provide funds so that our little family can get away, if only for a few days. We don't have to go far. Our dream would be to take Ainsley to Sea World in San Antonio this year, but with two cars on the brink, it doesn't look like it is going to happen. I need some fun, laid back time with my man and my baby. I am aching for it.

There's a Fungus Among Us

2009-05-18T19:54:00.002-05:00

So, it is officially confirmed that I have a systemic yeast infection. It is basically a progression of autoimmune disease and supposedly after this is killed off, I will be on the other side of this mountain.

Here are the catches: I have to be on a special diet (will get to that in a moment) and an anti-fungal powder (nasty) for 3 months to 3 years. What a range, huh?

The diet?

The worst part is: NO DIET COKE!! ARGH! (Please pray I don't kill someone while weaning off of Diet Coke).

Here is the list of the No's: No sugar or artificial sweetners. No preservatives (MSG, citric acid). No canned foods, condiments, salad dressings or canned vegetables.

No frozen or canned juices. No wine, beer or any alcohol. (Can I drink ANYTHING?)

No wheat, rye, barley, breads, muffins, rolls or baked goods with those ingredients.

No MILK products. (milk, cheese (Lord, help us), yogurt, ice cream, sour cream). Turns out that I am allergic to milk. WooHoo

Nothing with vinegar in it: mustard, mayo, pickles, soy sauce, bbq sauce.

No mushrooms.

No salt unless it is sea salt.

No caffeine: No coffee, tea, chocolate (another prayer, please).

The only meat I can eat is meat that is 100% organic.

The good news is, losing that 20 pounds I talked about in my previous post, should not be a problem!! :-)

I went to Market Street, just to find stuff I can eat (Rice cakes, almond butter, Rice Milk). -- Almond butter is $10, by the way. So, I will be yeast free and broke, but I'll be skinny!!

Philippians 1:19

2009-05-18T09:02:00.002-05:00

"I know that through your prayers and the help given by the Spirit of Jesus Christ, what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance."

I wanted a "verse of the day" today, and this came up. Oh, how my God is speaking to me.

I was going to post about my illness, how that, for the past month, it is sucking the life out of me and I am growing weary and frustrated.

Sitting here at work thinking, "WHY????" Why was I so dizzy last night that I couldn't lift my head, which made me miss fellowship with my life group? Why do I have no energy and need (not want) to sleep 15 hours a day?

I won't lie, I am frustrated. I am pissed off that it's been three years and I'm still wrestling with this on an everyday basis. I am tired of this.

I am depressed.

But, I guess somehow, "what has happened to me will turn out for my deliverance."

Rants, Raves and Other Stuff

2009-05-15T09:49:00.003-05:00

1. This morning, I stopped at Market Street to get a Diet Coke. There was a man in a suit hunched over, eating a banana. I thought for a second "I know God created me, but I'm pretty sure you are a product of evolution." - Wrong, I know!

2. I'm counting down the days until we are free from Ainsley's Kindergarten teacher.

3. Apparently, it is not called "Play Day" anymore. My 6 year old has repeatedly corrected me. It is "Buddy Field Day." I'm old.

4. My daughter BETTER sing at her recital on Sunday. I have a sneaking suspicion that she is going to chicken out.

5. Seriously, I am going to lose 20 pounds this summer.

6. I have a systemic yeast infection and it really skeeves me out to think of these things growing on my organs.

7. In reference to number 4, I want to be able to wear a sleeveless shirt without people going "EWWWWWWWWWW"

8. I am the most hated person in the region right now at work. No other managers understand why I am the last lady standing and I wasn't laid off. They are all trying to make me feel guilty. In fact, the Midland manager came into town yesterday and said "My girl has been with the company 15 years and I don't understand why you are staying. You've been here 10 months." My response: "Thank you! That is just what I needed to hear. I only have 10 years experience AND a college degree, I don't know why they picked me."

9. I have a meeting next week with LCU to discuss going back to school to get my teaching certificate in Special Education. God told me that I am supposed to work with Autistic/OCD kids. So, number 7 really doesn't matter anyway. :)

10. I am so glad that God brought us the Archer family. We love hanging out with them. Nothing is funnier than Grayson coming in the living room in his tighty whities and asking where his Spiderman suit is. Makes me want to have a boy!

11. I am getting my hair done today. I was printing out pictures and a girl at work said I look just like Lisa Loeb. (--Maybe 20 pounds ago).

Forgiveness is a Gift?

2009-05-07T22:24:00.002-05:00

Throughout my life, I can say that I forgave out of obedience. I never got anything from it, and thought of it as a selfless act for God.

Today, that all changed.

Two years, a close friend of mine tore my heart out. We had built a business together and I was about to become a partner in the business. She was going through some stuff and I was just learning how sick I was. Three days into radiation, she called me and said she wanted to part ways. I had never felt such devastation in my life. I had officially lost it all.

I had not talked to her since then.

God had been putting her in my heart lately, but I brushed it off.

Today came the opportunity to see her again for the first time, and when we hugged, I realized how much I have missed her. It wasn't a fake hug or fake words, it was all from the heart and it was amazing. We laughed together and joked like we used to.

I had finally forgiven.

What a gift to let go and TRULY forgive and forget. Not holding any feelings hostage, just letting them all go.

I cannot wait to see her again!

Thank you, Lord, for teaching me about true forgiveness and for bringing her back into my life.

New Job For Me

2009-04-27T20:37:00.002-05:00

Same company, new job. They saved 5 out of 50 people and I somehow made the cut! Glory to God!

Our Hope Endures

2009-04-26T23:13:00.004-05:00

So, seriously, I'm thinking of quitting this whole blog thing.

There are obvious reasons... Personal info available to the world, etc...

But, I've just noticed that recently, I do not blog about any of the positive things in our lives (and believe me, they outweigh the negative). Since I was a child, I have used writing to express my true feelings and to vent. And, I tend to save the touchy-feelies for the scrapbooks.

I have noticed that some of my blogging friends have become distant IRL "in real life," and I wonder if it's because of the stuff I post. Who knows?

So, I am going to let my dad copy the pics and posts that he wants and I'll probably be "shuttin' her down," as least to the public.

It's not like I "blog" about anything that would change the world.

Just a head's up!

I will say this: Right now, my family needs a miracle. God is leading me somewhere, but I'm not sure Austin agrees with it right now. It's tearing me in two. And, Ainsley had her worst asthma flare yet, since she was diagnosed 3 years ago. She is doing 1000% better, thankfully and back to her sassy, busy self!!

I'd like to end with this song. I heard it on the way to work the other day and I know that God wanted me to hear it. It has been on my heart ever since.

Our Hope Endures by Natalie Grant

Here is a link to listen and below are the lyrics... Who am I to think that my illness and our financial issues are the only trial God will put us through? I love that God would choose to use me.

You would think only so much can go wrong
Calamity only strikes once
And you assume that this one has suffered her share
Life will be kinder from here

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

How do we comprehend peace within pain
Our joy at a good man's wake
Walk a mile with a woman whose body is torn
With illness but she marches on

Sometimes the sun stays hidden for years
Sometimes the sky rains night after night
When will it clear
But our hope endures the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
Let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient
Emanuel, God is with us
El Shaddai, all sufficient

We never walk alone
This is our hope
Our hope endures, the worst of conditions
It's more than our optimism
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
let the earth quake
Our hope is unchanged

My Flight Has Been Delayed/Cancelled/On Time?

2009-04-22T10:45:00.003-05:00

Just an update on the job situation:

Monday morning, I learn that it will be another week before anything is officially announced.

Monday afternoon, a vague email is sent out to every employee. You'd have to be an idiot not to read between the lines.

Tuesday, I learn that I am probably safe and I feel completely confident and at ease.

Wednesday, I overhear the VP of the company on a phone call with my ex-boss (it was on speakerphone), and I am for certain being axed, despite the VP trying to save me.

Now, I am officially worried. Now, I officially feel sick. I know it is in God's hands. It's just so hard to lose this job.

I Am Embarrassed.

2009-04-19T22:05:00.003-05:00

God has been laying something very heavy on my heart. Something I have always been afraid to admit to myself, much less others. And I am pretty sure that this job situation is meant for me come to terms with it and let it go.

I think it all boils down to: I am embarrassed.

I am embarrassed because I have gained so much weight.
I am embarrassed because my face is broken out with acne, despite ProActive.
I am embarrassed because I am divorced.
I am embarrassed because my daughter does not get to live with us every day.
I am embarrassed when my daughter repeatedly asks why we do not all live in the same house all the time.
I am embarrassed of the neighborhood we live in.
I am embarrassed that our cars are 12 years old and falling apart.
I am embarrassed that I have lost so many jobs.
I am embarrassed that my hair is truly gray, and I hide it with color.
I am embarrassed that my grandmother did not leave me anything, even though I thought I was the closest person to her.
I am embarrassed that my mom always chooses my sister over me.
I am embarrassed that my sister had an easy pregnancy, making it look like I was just over-dramatic.
I am embarrassed that we will probably not have anymore children.
I am embarrassed that I cannot seem to reach a point of stability in my career and that I have lost so many jobs.
I am embarrassed that I make less money now than I did right out of college, despite having 11 years experience.
I am embarrassed that I do not know more about the Bible.
I am embarrassed that I pulled Austin into this financial pit of medical bills and losing jobs.

I need to set these things aside, quit hiding and be comfortable with God has given us.

God will take of you

2009-04-17T23:52:00.002-05:00

Ok, I am officially done with the pity party. :-) The funny thing is, even in the yuckiest part of the pity party, I knew in my heart that God will take care of us.

All of my co-workers are going to bat for me, emailing and making calls on my behalf to save my job or create a new one for me. It's really quite amazing. People that hardly talk to me or make it evident that they don't care for me, are trying to save my job.

I am blessed to finally be at a point in my faith when I can truly say that I'm not worried and I know God will take care of us.

Worst case scenario: I'll get to spend the whole summer with my Ainsley! That does not sound bad to me at all.

Best case scenario: They will create a new position for me that pays a lot more. (haha)

I've had that old hymn in my head for 2 days "God Will Take Care of You."
Be not dismayed whate'er betide,
God will take care of you;
Beneath His wings of love abide,
God will take care of you.

God will take care of you,
Thru ev'ry day, O'er all the way;
He will take care of you,
God will take care of you.

Thru days of toil when heart doth fail,
God will take care of you;
When dangers fierce your path assail,
God will take care of you.

All you may need He will provide,
God will take care of you;
Nothing you ask will be denied,
God will take care of you.

No matter what may be the test,
God will take care of you;
Lean, weary one, upon his breast,
God will take care of you.

Where Do We Go From Here?

2009-04-16T19:57:00.003-05:00

First, I believe that God will provide for us. He always has and He always will. His timing may not always be my timing, but I know that I must obey Him, in order to further my relationship with Him and increase my faith.

It's funny how everything changes in a day. Yesterday, my mood was hopeful. I've been having excruciating menstrual cycles, to the point that I starting blacking on Monday. I am nauseated and do not eat several days before and they leave me extremely week, anemic and low in potassium. Yesterday I met with my doctor and he finally gave me a prescription for progesterone.

It seems that in my health issues, the progesterone is the final piece of the puzzle. I'm not silly. I know it's not a miracle cure, and it will take several months to get the dosage right, but according to my doctor's and my own research, it is the missing link. I was full of praise yesterday afternoon.

Today started out "normal." A couple of hours into the day, a co-worker that has been at my company for 15 years mentioned that my job might be streamlined. I did not think much of it, but the Lord told me to call the man in charge. I asked him to shoot straight with me, as I have a family to take care of. Honestly, I was fully expecting him to say "No, ding-dong. Your job is fine." Instead he said "Don't tell anyone else in the company, but we are eliminating your position company-wide. We're trying to save you, but it's not looking good. Start looking for a job."

What? At first, I was just in shock, no emotion, no anger, no frustration. This can't be happening. I FINALLY have a job that I enjoy. Austin and I are finally doing ok financially. We just paid $300 in taxes yesterday. We were able to buy new furniture. We were about to buy a car.

I needed to go for a drive, but ended up at home, physically sick. I just went to bed. Sleep is always my way of escaping any problem and my body's way of pushing the stress away.

I cried. I wished that my Pa-Pa was here to ensure me that everything was going to be okay and that he would help us out financially if we needed it. Instead, I feel like the floor has been taken out from under me and I'm falling into a bottomless hole.

Honestly, even though I know, somewhere, that it isn't my fault, I feel like I've failed Austin again and I've failed Ainsley again.

I KNOW that God has been placing my career on my heart. He's wanted me to pray for it recently. My boss being fired, etc...

I told Austin a few months ago that I could not handle losing another job. My very first job, that I LOVED, I had to quit because I was so sick when I was pregnant. My boss was amazing, electing to pay for my insurance, even though she knew it was a million dollar pregnancy and that her rates would significantly increase because of it.

My second job is where I met Austin. He left the company and they took it out on me. It turned into an ugly situation with the Texas Workforce Commission, but I left knowing that they did wrong.

My third job, I started a business with a "friend." I built her business, secured her many good clients, and then, 3 days into my radiation, she calls me and fires me. It ripped me in pieces. I felt like I was getting kicked while I was down.

It took me a long time (2 years) to get the courage to quit freelancing and look for another job. It had to be the right job. God placed me there.

I know that ultimately I will praise Him through this and after this and He will provide for us, but I am scared. I am frustrated. I am lost. I don't want to go back to counting out change to feed my child. I can't bear the thought of losing my health insurance, as it's $400 a month for me to be on Austin's.

Just trying to take tiny faithful steps, one at a time.

On The Market

2009-04-13T10:25:00.003-05:00

So, I guess I am officially "on the market." I despise looking for a job, and I'm not sure, at all, what I am supposed to do.

My boss got fired last Monday and all of his responsibilities have been put on me. He made $300,000 a year, I don't even make 10% of that.

I took this job for my health. It's easy, I can do it in my sleep. It's low stress.

This past week and today are putting me WAAAAAAAY over the edge and I know it is not worth it.

I slept ALL weekend. Slept 10 hours a night and took 3-4 hour naps and I'm still tired! Today, I've already got eye twitching and a tension headache.

There is a job open in my field, but I know I'm supposed to get out of this industry. I balk at the thought of going back to school, but if it's what I need to do.....

ARGH! That's the word for today!

I Guess I am Quirky?

2009-04-06T22:03:00.001-05:00

Your Colors Say You Are Quirky

When you are at peace, you are:

Giving and unselfish

When you are moved to act, you are:

Unorthodox and idealistic

When you are inspired, you are:

Spontaneous and adventurous

When your life is perfectly balanced, you are:

Connected to nature and the world

Your life's purpose is:

To reach enlightenment

The Ultimate Color Test