Oh Shizzle!

Two and a Half Men Star and Drug & Hooker Magnate Charlie Sheen Is Officially the Biggest Asshole in Hollywood History

2011-02-28T17:19:00.000-08:00

Charle Sheen as drug dude in
"Ferris Bueller's Day Off"

“Two and Half Men Star”, drug magnate and porn star & hooker aficionado Charlie Sheen has officially lost his fucking mind. After making a round of interviews with crazed ramblings that made Libyan ruler Moammar Gadhafi’s insane ramblings actually look sane in comparison, everyone is abandoning support of him and is now the subject of pure scorn the world over. Radar Online outscored the world in a fantastic interview that showed what a true crzed asshat Sheen really is. He even attacked his own dad who was trying to defend him. Sheen’s reputation is so screwed that the Los Angeles Times is reporting that Sheen’s long time publicist Stan Rosenfeld who stuck with him through a nasty divorce, an arrest, court room visits, and an alleged drug fueled rampage in Aspen has run for the hills and resigned. When your publicist decides to give up mountains of cash to defend you, you are hopelessly fucked because everyone in Hollywood is cash whore and no one in Hollywood turns down big money. It just isn’t done. Rosenfeld just did. Who wants to be Sheen’s new publicity dude? Well TMZ is reporting that none other than former King of the Hollywood Asshats and Douchebags Spencer Pratt (Sheen just stole his title), formerly of the estrogen fest “The Hills” reality TV show. Pratt said he would work for free. As TMZ reports, it truly would be the blind leading the blind.

For the record, I do not have a problem with the hookers and drugs. Who knows, if I had that kind of easy huge money coming my way, I might do the same. What I do have a problem with is letting YOUR drug problems interfere with your contractual obligations to do your fucking job. You see, when a giant of an asshole like Charlie Sheen stops working and goes into rehab, all the little guys who work paycheck to paycheck like the lighting guys, sound guys, electrical guys, production assistants, caterers, writers, editors, production designers, etc. all lose work and their jobs and quite possibly lose their homes and make it that much harder to put food on the table for their kids in this horrible economy. All because what? Because Charlie Sheen wants to sit his withered old ass on a pile of coke and get blow jobs from porn stars in his mansion? It’s total bullshit.

To make matters even worse, The New York Post is reporting that Charlie Sheen is going to sue CBS, Warner Bros. and producer Chuck Lorrie because they canceled the rest of the season and he wants his pay plus money for “mental anguish”. The amount? A reported $320 million! Is he out of his fucking mind? Does he realize that he broke HIS contract when he let his drug addiction take him to rehab instead of work? Warner Bros and CBS should be suing Sheen for all the mountains of cash they are losing because that asshat. Besides that show has kid actors on the set. Who the hell wants the liability of having Charlie Sheen around them? I hope the law firm that is filing this nonsense goes out of business. The big heroes are Chuck Lorrie and Warner Bros. because TMZ is reporting that they are paying all the crew full wages for the entire season even though it has been cancelled. I have never seen any entity in Hollywood be this generous but my hat (err…baseball cap) is off to Lorrie and Warner Bros. Talk about standing up for the little guy and finally taking a stand to crush the hooker slobbered balls of an egotistical asswipe like Charlie Sheen.

Oh Shizzle's List of the Best Internet Sites and the Site To Watch in 2011

2011-01-05T13:10:00.000-08:00

OH SHIZZLE'S LIST OF THE BEST INTERNET SITES

Facebook: 500 million people on one site. Connect with literally everyone. You kind of have to be on Facebook now not because it’s cool but because it seems weird if you are not on Facebook.

TheDirty.com: Scandals, hot college girls, hot club chicks & bottle rats, people nude who you never thought would caught nude on camera, drunk ass people and sluts who you just might know, seen clubbing or actually banged in a drunken’ stupor plus vicious commentary and personal attacks that even outraged Dr. Phil who devoted an entire show slamming this site which means you definitely should be reading it daily. Sweetness!

YouTube: Yes, it’s still huge and cool because you will see shit here that you never saw before. Ask Susan Boyle and homeless dude Ted Williams, who now has numerous job offers and a job & home offer by the Cleveland Cavs, how you can be a nobody and blow up overnight. Anyone can be a star here – anyone – even you. Casting directors can go fuck themselves because of YouTube and I hear blow jobs to record label A&R execs are down 50%.

CNET: Get reviews on anything electronically related. I would never buy a phone, a TV, a computer or anything that you plug into a wall or is powered by a batter without going here first. Download all kinds of free cool software. It’s the shizzle!

TMZ.com: Scandals, scandals and more scandals. When it comes to sleaze, no one does it better than TMZ. The CIA should talk to these guys and take copious notes. Obama should hire these guys to keep tabs on the Chinese, Iranian and Russian governments and find Bin Laden. You know you watch TMZ either on TV or the web on occasion and you are lying if you don’t.

Deadspin.com: They are breaking sleaze like TMZ and I consider them the TMZ of the sports world. Great site with all kinds of cool stuff to read. It’s cool like Maxim used to be.

Failblog.org: Yes, we all enjoy watching other people fuck shit up worse than when we fuck shit up. Warning: this site can be addicting like crack.

WWTDD.com: What Would Tyler Durden Do? Cool celebrity gossip site that is more photo oriented that is compiles all the celebrity sleaze from numerous sources on one site. The Readers Digest of sleaze. Go here instead of epic asswipe Perez Hilton who I hope dies in a fiery car wreck. If you read Perez Hilton’s site, you are officially an epic douchebag asshole.

Tube8.com: Free porn and actual reader commentary which can be priceless and show that some people know way too much about porn than they should. No viruses either on you or your computer. Nice!

Alibaba.com: If you have a big business or starting a small business from your garage this is the place to go. This site is trade site mostly from Chinese companies. Have anything manufactured or private labeled, buy faux brand named lux watches, or genuine items like iPhones at half U.S. retail prices. When I say you can buy anything here, I mean any fucking thing from Rolexes to rims to perfume to toys to clothes to those stupid rubber bracelets your 6 year old niece wears all at crazy low prices that kick Ebay’s ass.

ITunes: Yeah, I am starting to hate Steve Jobs and the glowing dominance of Apple but let’s face it, they own music and you kind of have to go here for now until Google Music is up and going to give them a run for their money.

Pandora: Love their service because I get to listen to music I like without paying for it bothering to get my lazy ass up to pick songs when their computers choose the songs I should like and overall they are pretty good at it.

PokerStars: The best internet poker website there is period with no real competition worth mentioning. Pokerstars.com is for gambling with real cash you probably will lose and Pokerstars.net is for playing with fake money but still gives you a chance to enter cash paying tournaments for free like the World Series of Poker in Las Vegas.

SITE TO WATCH FOR IN 2011:

Rock.com: Rock oriented website with cool interviews, the biggest music merchandise selection out there and a growing music oriented social network which is rumored to be getting a Facebook style update in the coming months. Real people here on the social network with a global anonymous membership (few use their real names) and no Photoshopped pics like those found on MySpace (if you remember that site). This will be the social network to watch in 2011 especially those who want to distance themselves from the corporate dominating world of Facebook and privacy issues or do shit or share shit that they would have done previously on MySpace but won’t now because MySpace is dead. Get crazy on the internet without getting fired from your job or divorced. Anonymous social networking is going to be tested here but I like what I see so far.

World's Sexist Reporter: Inez Sainz

2010-12-31T16:17:00.000-08:00

The World's Hottest Sports Reporter is...Inez Sainz. The Mexican Axteca TV reporter is super hot and has one of the best asses you will ever see on a woman. Sure there was that flap this year about some NY Jets football players cat-calling her during her interview with quarterback Mark Sanchez but let's face it, dudes are going to notice a woman with spectacular cleavage and an ass like that. Peep the most downloaded ass in the history of sports reporting on the internet EVER!!!

Inzez Sainz: The best booty ever photographed in a pair of jeans EVER!!!!

Erin Andrews who?! Seriously, Inez is ridiculously off the charts hot. This woman is married with three kids and STILL has the sexiest body in the sports reporting world. You go girl! Oh and did I mentioned she also has a Master Degree? And I love that sexy latin accent. Brains, beauty, sexy attitude...she's all that and a bag of chips!

All I got to say is Daaaammnnnnn!!!!!!

Oh Shizzle! Announces: SEARCH FOR THE BEST BOOTY IN THE WORLD

2010-12-25T16:56:00.000-08:00

Without a doubt in my book, the sexiest body part of a woman is her ass. Nothing beats a great ass. You can always buy a great set of boobs but never an ass. A great ass is a holy union of genetics, diet and a great workout program.

I am starting a multi-post search for The Best Booty In The World. This is a women's only search - sorry dudes, I don't want to see your ass no matter how many squats you have done. If you think you have a great ass, please submit your pics for consideration to ohshizzleblog@gmail.com. I will be posting pics of great asses I see over the Internet because like all dudes, I like to look at great asses and my readers love 'em too. However, the actual contest is for real woman who sends us a recent photo taken in the last 60 days from today's date and can prove it (take a pic with a newspaper or recent magazine), I will give $100.00 (U.S.) to the real woman winner who submits a picture(s) to the email address above. The butt pics don't have to be professional pics and no Photo shopped pics please. The contest will start today and end on January 30, 2011. The winner will be announced on Valentines Day, February 14, 2011. Hey, if you have a great ass and spend all that time in the gym, why not submit a quick pic and see if you can win a $100.

The pics below are not official contest pics but are great asses nonetheless. The pics below are the winner and finalists of the American Apparel's "Best Bottom In The World" competition which was completed in February of 2010.

The Winner of the American Apparel ccompetition this year was "Boom Boom" from Santo Domingo and her pic is below. Nice ass but I do see some stretch marks on that last booty and seriously don't understand how you beat out the women who placed 2nd and 3rd.

The 2nd place finisher in the American Apparel competition was Marie from Austin. Now that is an ass! Perfect 10's all across the board on the pic below. A key benchmark in a perfect ass is that you can place a pencil right under the ass cheek and it won't hold because the booty is so perfectly round there is no fat fold for the pencil to be held up by. I have a feeling that woman like Marie don't have great sex lives. Not because they are not hot, which they obviously are, but if she were to take off her panties and reveal that ass most guys just might blow their load right there. Her ass is that good!

The 3rd place finisher in that American Apparel competition also had an ass every bit as good as Marie's. Check out Mira from Chicago. Even with this pic being taken from a camera phone, her ass is pure bubble but perfection. Mira's ass could be the best ass I have ever seen in my life. It just does not get better than this. Perfectly round. It meets the pencil test. No stretch marks or cellulite. Just pure goodness...err greatness in the great ass world.

This contest was awesome because the 3rd place finisher was great but even the 4th place finisher would have the best ass in the room literally anywhere. Check out Stepho from Los Angeles. Just great stuff there. Women dream of having an ass and legs like this and guys dream of having a woman with an ass and legs like that.

Bring up the rear, pun intended, in 5th place goes to "Donk" from Van City wherever that is. Yet another really nice ass. With her teeny tiny waist and that nice round firm greatness, this woman would blow you away in a thong bikini at the beach. Thongs were made for asses like this.

So ladies, if you think you have a great booty send in your booty pics to Oh Shizzle! now and take a crack at that $100.00.

Most Talented Artist Alive Cee-Lo Green Gets 4 Grammy Nominations! Fuck You Haters!

2010-12-03T21:07:00.000-08:00

Cee-Lo Green is the most talented and original artist alive. There, I said it! When I saw the video for his mega-hit "Fuck You", I thought to myself - Holy fuck! That is the best fucking song I have heard in fucking years and fuck everyone who does not agree with that fucking statement. I watch that fucking "Fuck You" video like a fucking mental patient.

Well apparently the Recording Academy agreed with me. Cee-Lo Green's "Fuck You" was awarded a jaw-dropping four fucking Grammy nominations for the following categories: Record of the Year, Song of the Year, Best Urban / Alternative Performance, and finally Best Short Form Music Video.

As funny as it sounds to award a song called "Fuck You" so many accolades, the song really is great. It is honest, real, raw and everyone gets it...well....except the FCC. The song itself reminds you of the great classic R&B Motown songs with real back-up singers and a chorus - amazing when compared to the crap music of today everyone else is putting out. It simply sounds great - real music. The video itself is fun and creative. I truly have not seen a music video this well produced, creative and fun since the early MTV days in the 80's. I hope it wins in every category but at minimum it should win best video. I like many of the nominees he is going up against but none of them are truly original. They are talented and I like their music but they are NOT original and add nothing to today's music other than big revenue figures for record labels.

Cee-Lo Green is a creative game-changer that takes risks. Search YouTube for his videos and try to categorize his music. You can't. He'll even mix genres in the same song and if you are not paying attention, you will think someone changed your music when you weren't looking. Check out songs with hard rap beats like "Glockapella", or hits like "What Part of Forever" which is a rock song and sounds like a white guy from Orange County, California would sing in a club, and then when the What-The-Fuck moment has not hit yet, you watch "Kung Fu Fighting" from the film "Kung Fu Panda" and just quietly enjoy it. Then if you still have not been quite confused enough yet about Green's music style watch his teletubby inspired video "Gettin' Down" which is a really smooth silky R&B throwback. No artist in music today takes as many creative chances with their music and videos and probably none of them have as fun as he does nor do they impact music like he does. I am a huge fan of his music and I am embarrassed to say I never heard of the guy a few months ago. We throw the word "music" around a lot to describe computer manufactured garbage. Finally the music world has a true talent that makes you fall in love with music and artistry. If there were more Cee-Lo Green's out there, record companies would not be worried about hemorraging corporate profits and listeners would not be board to death forced to settle for the same boring crap coming out on the radio.

The Recording Academy needs to send a message to all record label producers and A&R execs as well as so-called "performers" out there that the status quo has got to change. Music fans deserve true talent and artistry. Vote him Grammys across the board to force the music world into actual creativity for a change and to let performs out there know that their same old rehashed songs are not good enough anymore. These nominations are great but wins will finally put everyone on notice - be creative, have fun, and actually say something that has meaning. Just say "Fuck You" to the status quo. Vote Cee-Lo Green.

Call of Duty: Black Ops / Kobe Bryant / Call of Booty?

2010-11-11T13:37:00.000-08:00

Just in case you have been hiding under a rock, the biggest video game franchise in the last decade just released it's latest edition, Call of Duty: Black Ops. The super shooter has been setting sales records with a gargantuan $360 million in revenue in just the first 24 hours. Just to put this number in perspective, Star Wars: Return of the Jedi did "only" $309 million during its entire U.S. run in theatres. COD: Black Ops crushed that in a day. Take that George Lucus and let your cuddly Ewoks smoke it!

No need to see a ton of commercials for the game because it is one of those word of mouth phenomenons that just go viral and global. But there is this hilarious COD: Black Ops video feature none other than basketball superstar Kobe Bryant and Jimmy Kimmel:
http://www.callofduty.com/media/videos?media_id=371

Also just to mention for the fun of it, there is, or course, a porn parody of Call of Duty called inappropriately enough "Call of Booty: Modern Whorefare." Yep, just gotta love the porn industry sometimes.

Some porn company has got to be working on Call of Booty: Black Cocks. I will keep you posted if I hear about it.

Heidi Montag Sex Tape Being Shopped By Epic Douchebag Spencer Pratt?

2010-08-22T23:04:00.000-07:00

The CIA of celebrity sleeze, TMZ (bless their hearts), has reported that super sexy Heidi "Mega Mellons" Montag has a sex tape with her soon-to-be ex-husband and 10th degree Grand Master black belt of douchebaggery Spencer Pratt. TMZ is reporting Pratt is allegedly shopping the sex tape of himself and his lovely erection magnate wife Heidi to super porn producers Vivid Entertainment. Vivid has pretty much cornered the market on celebrity home porn sex tapes distributing such noted sex tapes such as Playboy model Kendra Wilkenson, Kim Kardashian and Montana Fishborne (daughter of now not so proud father Lawrence Fishborne) who said she wanted to follow into the famous for nothing sex tape footsteps of super hottie Kim Kardashian who in turn followed the sex tape footsteps of heiress Paris Hilton who in turn followed the sex tape footsteps of Pamela Anderson who in turn followed the sex tape footsteps of your mom - yeah she made one too. I remember when actors wanted to actually act and be famous for wining Oscars and Emmys and shit. Now young ladies aspire to be acting in home porn sucking D's and taking a cum shot to the face and be famous for being famous. Ahhh. America's silly youth.

I must admit I am conflicted because despite numerous plastic surgeries, Heidi "Mega Mellons" Montag is crazy fucking hot and her titacular DDD tits set the bar for Hollywood tits. The nocturnal emission queen has no doubt inspired thousands of teen boys to wake up to baby batter stained underoos. The bad, of course, is that she is doing the sex tape with epic douchebag Spencer Pratt who is the biggest DB in the history of Hollywood. That says something. He even had lovable "Today Show" personality Al Roker fired up to kick his ass. Spencer Pratt is such an asswipe that he has to hide every Christmas because even Santa has a hit out on this fool. Thus my dilemma. Watching one of sexiest women in Hollwood bang versus hurling from seeing Pratt's crayon invade that fetus funnel and spew baby batter all over those hot as fuck DDD's.

The other factor to consider in terms of buying this tape is that Spencer is the king of cheese. He actually got Playboy to pony up huge bucks for Heidi Montag to do a spread with no nudity at all. What an epic letdown. It was PG-13 all the way: no tits, no ass and no vajayjay. If you are too uptight to go nude as a celebrity, you pose for Maxim, everyone knows that. Hugh Hefner has lost my respect and now I am 100% sure they will go bankrutpt with dumb ass decisions like that. So I am not sure what we will get with a Heidi Montag DB Pratt sex tape. The "sex tape" could be like the two of them in bed reading from Penthouse Stories in pajamas or something.

So let you be the judge.

Heidi Montag's DDD's are insane. That body is out of control. It's all goodness - no, greatness! But what about that ass you may ask?

This body is just about perfect.

This was the sexiest Playboy shot she did as all the rest were lingerie shots. But all I got to say is Daaaaaammmnnnn!!!!! Baby has got an ass! She's got the tits, the face... That body is like a Super Walmart, it's got everything. But every time I see this hot pic, my mind wanders to Spencer Pratt tapping the hell of that crazy hot ass and it makes me angry. He has no right to be banging a woman this hot. God has to make it up to me and let me win the lottery or something otherwise I will have to prove I am a bigger DB to get hot ass like this and choke out defenseless bunnies or something.

Just to give you an image how turned on and repulsive you can get from seeing Heidi and Spencer together peep this photo below.

No, this is not the sex tape but it could turn out like this. Here Heidi is pre-DDD boob job using what appears to be massanger on Spencer's back. Hot chick & douchebag. Yin & Yang. Turn on / turn off. It's confusing.

Since Heidi has not released her sex tape yet, I have decided to provide a photo and link to a free look at the Kendra Wilkenson Sex Tape which runs around 10 minutes. This tape features hot as fuck Kendra banging a pudgy ugly kid with an acorn sized little dick.

NSFW: Click This Link to Free Look At Kendra's Sex Tape (10 minutes)

Since we are talking about sex tapes, let's take a free quick look of 2 minutes of a good sex tape of Kim Kardashian being pounded out by Ray J (aka Brandy's brother). This is as good

Seriously, they can bang.

NSFW: Click Here For Free Look At Kim Kardashian Sex Tape

Just have to throw in one more picture of Kim Kardashian because she is one of the hottest women on the planet.

Alright...One more.

Want To Rise To Power? Peep These Definitive Check Lists Here!

2010-05-20T17:21:00.000-07:00

After scouring the internet and books the world over, I have finally found the two most definitive lists to rise to power and be the person you have always wanted to be, the person you deserve to be. If you follow these lists, your global dominance begins now!

If you want to rise to power, you must be cool. See the definitive cool list below:

Once you have master the art of cool, you must acquire the elements of power to make sure you are on the right path to power and to make sure you are both nutritionally and sexually satisfied. Your definitive list here:

There you have it folks. If you follow these simple lists I am sure you will get your party's endorsement to run against Barack Obama in the 2012 elections. Good luck!

English Commuters Travel Naked To Promote New British TV Series

2010-05-17T17:21:00.000-07:00

Well this fits into the "Now I've Seen Everything" category. Four people, two men and two women, traveled the London subway system known as the London Underground completely nude (well except for shoes) to promote a new English television series called "The Naked Office". It's about staff at struggling businesses trying to turn their company around much to the shock and amazement of local commuters. I get the "naked" part of the promotion but they are nowhere near the "office" but I like their enthusiam and I respect it. I think the lazy American network public relations executives need to get off their collective asses and follow the English model. The English outlawed slavery 100 years before America did and now they are leading the way on using nudity to promote a TV series. Come America. Quit slacking!

Read the full story in the Mail Online here.

The look on the woman on the right in the first pic below is priceless. The fake "+2's" on the hot naked woman at the top left is also priceless. Damn she is hot!

Seeing two hot naked blondes boarding a subway never happens to me. Even though the chick on the right needs to tightening up those thighs it is still cool to see naked blondes.

Doesn't London have cops on their subway system? How in the hell did they get away with this?

This campaign effort could have been improved by leaving out the naked dudes and bringing in more chicks.

The New Miss USA Rima Fakih Also Won A Stripper Contest!!!

2010-05-17T16:39:00.000-07:00

I think it is so funny that all these pageant contests try to make their contest winners out to be so damn wholesome then you find out they have this wild past that no one knew about except all the dudes they banged, drank with and did drugs with at local nightclubs and bars. Well scandal has once again reared its glorious head again in connection with a beautity contest. The insanely beautiful Rima Fakih of Michigan was crowned Miss USA last night and became the first immigrant, the first Muslim-American and the first Arab American to win the title. The 23 year old stunner is also the first Miss USA to have won a stripper contest! Nice!

TMZ has been all over this story so it won't go away until it is announced that Miss Fakih will lose the crown or pagent officials, i.e. Donald Trump, decides she can keep it. Detroit radio station WQKI held a 2007 "Stripper 101" pole dancing contest and Miss USA Rima Fakih emerged victorious. When it comes to sex appeal this woman has got it down pat. Well at least we know she will have a promising career on the stripping circuit when she eventually has to give the crown up by either serving the 1 year tour of duty "under" Mr. Trump or having to give it up early (the title that is). Hey, star strippers on the pole tour can earn $10,000 a week and she would have an easy 6-figure Playboy payday assignment in any event so there is not real downside for Ms. Fakih even if she gets the boot.

Check out the wonderful pics of our new Miss USA winner below!

Look at how wholesome and beautiful she looks with new boss Donald Trump. Ahhhhhh!!!!

Good lord this woman has a bangin' ass body. Not an ounce of fat on that gloriously carved frame. But still manages to look ever so wholesome.

WTF!!! Oh snap! Our girl Miss USA is on the get down! Stripper shoes on - check. Legs spead wiiiide open - check. Straight up moving like a hoe - check. No wonder she won this pole dancing contest. I am just surprised she is not shooting ping pong balls out of her vajayjay.

Miss USA Rima Fakih is getting down! I thought Muslim women were supposed to be all demure and shit. If this is the way the modern Muslim woman behaves all I have to say is - Book me a plane to Iran asap!!! Brings on the burka bitches!

Our victorious pole dancing champ emerges victorious with the win and a bra stuffed full of cash! Nothin' says class better than having money coming out of your tits. What is she holding? All I can tell is that it has an image of a woman on a pole on it. Was that the trophy? Anyway, you go girl! Something tells me we just might be seeing this hottie in the Craigslist adult section very soon.

"Pretty Wild" Teens Alex Neiers & Tess Taylor Using Drugs?

2010-05-14T20:47:00.000-07:00

I have to admit that I am absolutely fascinated with a reality star for the first time and its Alexis Neiers of the E! Entertainment Network's "Pretty Wild." I am fascinated that a hot sexy young woman who grows up in an affluent home with every possible advantage in life somehow fucks it all up for no good reason and I find it even sexier that she gets naked in every episode of her show. This week the 18 year old reality tv star was convicted in connection with the burglary of Pirates of the Carribean Star Orlando Bloom's home. Alexis was given 6 months in jail and 3 years probation. The title of the Alexis show on the E! Entertainment Network "Pretty Wild" appropriately describes the behavior of its star. The parents of Alexis must be proud that their underage daughter is partying at 21 and over nightclubs and dating dudes way older than her and burglarizing the homes of movie stars.

So given all of this it would not surprise anyone if the young girl with the "pretty wild" behavior was using drugs. Now I am not saying she uses drugs at all but the very cool internet website TheDirty.com is posting pictures of Alexis and her sister Tess Taylor in activity that may appear to be drug use but we don't actually know if she was doing anything illegal or immoral or if indeed this are real pics of the convicted Alexis Neiers and her playboy model sister Tess Taylor but the pics make great conversation and look pretty much identical to the images of Alexis and her sister but who knows the truth in the age of Photoshop. The pictures below are from TheDirty.com website. Judge for yourself.

This pic appears to look like a topless Tess Taylor in what appears to be the lighting of a bong. But who knows who this really is (even though you can can see what appears to be Tess' trademark cross tattoo on her hip) or what activity this really is. You be the judge.

The pic immediately above appears to be two people who look EXACTLY like Alexis Neiers and Tess Taylor in what may apear to be the lighting of bongs. But who knows what we are looking at, right? Again you be the judge.

Worst Love Letter Ever Written - Ever!!!!

2010-05-10T18:38:00.000-07:00

Just had to post the Worst Love Letter Ever Written. For all you love addicts out there, this one's for you! As a side note, this Julie chick sounds like quite the catch. I wonder how this douchebag ever hooked up with her.

_______________________________________________

Dear, Julie

Fuck, I fucking miss you. I miss you like the rain misses some kind of…fucking…I don’t know…some kind of fucking thing that misses another thing. And that first thing misses that second thing, like, really fucking bad and shit. I am that first thing. You are the second one of those two things. I think the first thing was rain.

Sometimes, at night, I wake up and I’m all like “FUUUUUCCK!!!!” because you’re not here with me. I mean, shit, you know? Like, the last time we hung out together and I got to batter your snatch with my nut-splatters. I just keep thinking about that and how we were fucking so hard and shit. You were all like, “Oh Oh Fuck me!” and I was all like, “Yeeeeeeeeaaaah!” That shit was dope. Word. Best Believe!

But what’s fucked up about that shit is that whenever I think about it, I get all, like, hurtful and shit. Like my heart, you know? Like my heart gets all gay and shit and it breaks. Can you believe that shit? See what you did to me, you bitch? You made me a fag and shit!! LOL!

But, nah. For real. Like, it’s weird, you know? I remember waaaay back when we were just like, kids and shit, remember? We used to just play and frolic in the neighborhood with the other, much more faggy children. They all sucked. But one thing I clearly remember from that time is that you did not suck. Your Suck to Not Suck ratios were clearly leaning in the direction of Not Suck. This is, as usual, assuming that I am using the word “ratio” properly. Also, “properly.” I mean, I’m pretty sure that’s a word that I didn’t just make up. If I did, spread that shit around and tell people it came from me.

But, yeah. We used to just be kids as we hung out together. We’d play on the monkey bars down the street at Cherry Park. We’d run after the ice cream man as his chiming melody triggered a pav…pav…Pavolovian (?) response in us that made us crave the tastiness of Mickey Mouse’s severed head on a stick. We used to pass funny notes to each other in Mrs. Hill’s class. Remember? Remember all that shit?

We were so sweet and innocent back then.

I have since seen you swallow every last drop of my cum and, literally, ask for more. Fuck, bro. I fucking love that shit. And I fucking love you for doing it.

Yes, that’s right, Julie. I said it. Not only do I love that you are totally willing to ingest every last drop of my seed and then put in a request for more, but I love you as well.

I Love You, Julie.

I love your hair. I love your eyes. I love the way your ass jiggles when you walk to the bathroom to douche your pussy after we bang like two enraged beavers fighting over a stick that we both want to use in the construction of our respective dams. Any one of those traits by themselves could get me harder than Wolverine’s adamantium-laced bones. Put them all together and my balls want to explode whenever you come in to the room. That shit is crazy. No lie. And I have no reason to lie when it comes to the matters of my cock expanding faster than the universe. And I mean that literally…well, not the expanding faster than the universe part. I have no way in telling if that is, in fact, a factual statement. I failed Astronomy twice yet I only remember taking it once. Anyway, I was being literal in the sense that you can literally tell that I am not lying when I say that I find you sexy because the proof is in the pudding. The pudding is my dick. And it gets fucking huge when I see you.

Also, I did not mean to imply that my dick may in anyway be made of pudding. That would be weird. Although, I would not object to you nicknaming my dick “The Butterscotch Stallion,” for it both gives you the sinful pleasures that you need; and it is kind of a dark, mucous-y yellow. Which, by the way, I am very happy you are not weirded out by. Most are.

Which brings me to the next reason for why I love you: you accept me for who I am. You understand that I’m not the sharpest tool in the place that the tools are kept until you need to use the tools again. You can look beyond my spiky hair, and sunglasses that I refuse to take off, and my totally sweet Ed Hardy T-shirt and just see a guy that wants to be held to the bosom of a lovely young lass that works at a totally rockin’ strip joint that paid to have her bosoms made in to Double-D bosoms, because (in her boss’s words) “You’ve got the face of an angel, but the tits of a malnourished baby.”

You accept that I’ve been unemployed for roughly 2 years. You accept that before there was a You and Me there was a Me and Your Sister, and before that a Me and Your Cousin Liza, and, for one night, there was a Me and Your Cousin Liza and somebody that may or may not have been a member of your family that is now dead from a disease that I was kind of worried that I contracted. (Don’t worry. I didn’t contract it. I found out the day after you and I fucked for the first time).

The point of all of this is simple, Julie. I love you. I really do. I may not be the best guy you can get, and I probably shouldn’t even be the guy you have right now, but I love you for that very reason. You captured my heart and mind at a time in my life when I truly felt no one would ever want me – a time when I figured that I would never find somebody to even give me the time of day. Being apart from you right now is killing me and I can’t wait until you return so I can hold you in my arms and just stare in to your eyes again. I can’t wait for that day, Julie. I can’t fucking wait.

XOXO

P.S. – Your butt; is that a hole you be interested in me jizzing inside of?

Sexy Teen Reality TV Star Alexis Neiers Sentenced In Orlando Bloom Break-In

2010-05-10T17:37:00.000-07:00

E! Entertainment "Pretty Wild" reality TV star Alexis Neiers pleads no contest to breaking into Pirates of the Carribean star Orlando Bloom's Hollywood Hills digs according to People Magazine. The 18 year old starlet was sentenced to 6 months in county jail with 3 years probation and will begin her sentence on June 24th. Apparently Orlando Bloom's determination to make an appearance for in-court testimony was the swaying factor. Orlando Bloom claimed to have lost $500,000 worth of shit "pirated" [tee hee] from his home so if I lost that much loot I would be in court pointing fingers too. Neiers' attorney Jeffrey Rubenstein said "The weight of Bloom's testimony made us realize that the odds were stacked against us. We decided it was in Alexis's best interest for her to take responsibility for her limited role in this case and do her time. She's looking forward to moving on with her life." Her attorney is funny as hell. Orando Bloom was the deciding factor? Oh fucking please! How about the fact that she was caught on security surveillance cameras at a break-in? I think that carried a little more weight Jeffrey.

Most people have never heard of Alexis Neiers and neither care about her or Orlando Bloom especially since he has no career outside of Pirates of the Carribean and like the fool that he is opted to not do the latest Pirates movie and take the easy zillion dollar payday. But, this was part of the "Beverly Hills Bandits" or "Bling Ring" storyline carried on by TMZ and other news outlets about a band of young rich kids who were buglarizing celebrity homes like Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Rachel Bilson and Orlando Bloom and had allegedly stolen millions of dollars worth of loot. There just has to be movie in development about this somewhere.

I have to admit that I watched "Pretty Wild" and it is one of the best fucking shows on TV and the pics below prove it. It is basically about sexy 18 years old Alexis Neiers and her sexy sisters underage partying at 21 and over nightclubs, trying to continually hit on young famous male band member and actor dudes, giving their mother an ulcer with their "pretty wild" behavior, and oh yeah Alexis constantly proclaiming her innocence and saying how she was being unjustly railroaded for a crime she did not commit but obviously did. What made this show great was literally every single show had cameras on Alexis and her sisters dressing for parties or even court appearances so you saw their hot-as-fuck bodies in bra and panties in every episode and often even less with their naked tits barely blurred out for the cameras so you can really see their perfect mouthwatering teen tits pretty damned clearly. It was the closest to porn without actually being porn. Seriously, Alexis and her sisters have bangin' perfect bodies and I can't wait to see more when she gets out of the clink. She'll clear six figures easy with a Playboy shoot at will and that reality show will just keep on going. Given that celebrities generally serve a tiny fraction of their actual sentences (see Linday Lohan and Paris Hilton), I expect her 6 months jail sentence to actually be 6 weeks or less or actual behind bars time which should not even interfere with the next season's shooting schedule of her show which E! would have to be "pretty stupid" not to pick up.

Here is a YouTube clip of Alexis and her sister Tess Taylor modeling lingerie.

Picture of Alexis Neiers. She had to be hot. Her mother was Playboy Playmate Andrea Arlington.

Picture of Alexis' hot-as-fuck sister Tess Taylor who also stars on "Pretty Wild". And yes this was a Playboy shoot photo.

And by the way, remember when I said that their E! Entertainment show "Pretty Wild" showed these young teen girls practically topless with barely blurred out tits in every episode? Well see the show still below to see what I meant. The pic is Alexis' sister Tess Taylor. That "blur" covered nothing.

Oh and this is another Tess Taylor still from the show. They call this a blur job for TV? Also cheers to mom and dad for allowing this kind of footage to be filmed of their young daughters while at home for TV. Cheers also to the guy who does the blur job! Or lack of blur job.

And Tess' perfect tight ass here. Damn, it's just flawless! Thank goodness the shows' camera

man is a total perv (read: normal dude) to zoom in on that hot ass for TV. That beach-thong-ready-ass makes my mouth water. Could it be that somewhere some high school dudes are hi-fiving themselves because the lucky bastards actually tapped that?

The pics above show why "Pretty Wild" is one of the best shows on TV. I swear E! Entertainment execs you better renew this fucking show! You just can't hot naked chicks.

Great Break-Up Letters. Take Notes For Your Next Dumpin' Time!

2010-04-24T12:51:00.000-07:00

To celebrate love around the world, I have decided to provide a list of some great break-up letters for your amusement. If you just happen to be the person who wrote any of these or was dumped by someone via the break-up letters below, we feel your pain while simultaneously mocking you and taking notes for our next break-up.

"Dear Susan :

I know the counsellor said we shouldn't contact each other during our

"cooling off" period, but I couldn't wait anymore. The day you left, I

swore I'd never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little

boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make

contact.

In my fantasies, it was always you who would come crawling back to me. I

guess my pride needed that. But now I see that my pride's cost me a lot

of things. I'm tired of pretending I don't miss you. I don't care about

looking bad anymore. I don't care who makes the first move as long as

one of us does. Maybe it's time we let our hearts speak as loudly as our

hurt. And this is what my heart says...

"There's no one like you, Susan." I look for you in the eyes and breasts

of every woman I see, but they're not you. They're not even close. Two

weeks ago, I met this girl at Ithaca Bar and brought her home with me. I

don't say this to hurt you, but just to illustrate the depth of my

desperation. She was young, maybe 19, with one of those perfect bodies

that only youth and maybe a childhood spent ice skating can give you. I

mean, just a perfect body. Jugs you wouldn't believe and an ass like a

tortoise shell. Every man's dream, right? But as I sat on the couch

being blown by this stunner, I thought, look at the stuff we've made

important in our lives. It's all so superficial. What does a perfect

body mean?

Does it make her better in bed? Well, in this case, yes. But you see

what I'm getting at. Does it make her a better person? Does she have a

better heart than my moderately attractive Susan? I doubt it. And I'd

never really thought of that before. I Don't know, maybe I'm just

growing up a little.

Later, after I'd tossed her about a half a pint of throat yogurt, I

found myself thinking, "why do I feel so drained and empty?" It wasn't

just her flawless technique or her slutty, shameless hunger, but

something else. Some ****ling feeling of loss. Why did it feel so

incomplete? And then it hit me.

It didn't feel the same because you weren't there, Susan, to watch. Do

you know what I mean? Nothing feels the same without you. Jesus, Susan,

I'm just going crazy without you. And everything I do just reminds me of

you.

Do you remember Carol, that single mom we met in Upper Side last year?

Well, she dropped by last week with a pan of lasagna. She said she

figured I wasn't eating right without a woman around. I didn't know what

she meant till later, but that's not the real story. Anyway, we had a

few glasses of wine and the next thing you know we're banging away in

our old bedroom. And this tart's a total monster in the sack. She's

giving me everything, you know like a real woman does when she's not

hung up about her weight or her career and whether the kids can hear us.

And all of a sudden she spots that tilting mirror on your grandmother's

old vanity. So she puts it on the floor and we straddle it, right, so we

can watch ourselves. And it's totally hot, but it makes me sad too.

'Cause I can't help thinking, "Why didn't Susan ever put the mirror on

the floor? We've had this old vanity for what, 14 years, and we never

used it as a sex aid."

Saturday, your sister drops by with my copy of the restraining order. I

mean, Vicky's just a kid and all, but she's got a pretty good head on

her shoulders and she's been a real friend to me during this painful time.

She's given me lots of good counsel about you and about women in

general. She’s pulling for us to get back together, Susan, She really

is. So we're drinking in a hot bath and talking about happier times.

Here's this teenage girl with the same DNA as you and all I can do is

think of how much she looked like you when you were 18. And that just

about makes me cry. And then it turns out Vicky's really into the whole

anal thing and that gets me to thinking about how many times I pressured

you about trying it and how that probably fuelled some of the bitterness

between us.

But do you see how even then, when I'm thrusting inside your baby

sister's cinnamon ring, all I can do is think of you? It's true, Susan.

In your heart you know it. Don't you think we could start over? Just

wipe out all the grievances and start fresh? I think we can.

If you feel the same please, please, please let me know, otherwise, can

you let me know where the remote control is.

John

GREATEST DRAMATIC READING OF A GREAT BREAK-UP LETTER EVER!!! HIT THIS LINK

Actor Jim Carrey And Playboy Playmate/Activist Jenny McCarthy SPLIT

2010-04-06T20:00:00.000-07:00

The celebrity buzz is buzzing like hell now that plastic-faced funnyman Jim Carrey and Playboy Playmate of the Year turned autism activist Jenny McCarthy have announced their split via Twitter. This Twitter shit is amazing. Everytime the shit hits the fan with a celebrity, they always Tweet about it. The Associated Press is reporting that Jim Carrey, 48, twittered that he wishes her the best and McCarthy, 37, will keep Jim as a "leading man in her heart." Awwww how sweet. I wonder if the split has to do with how fucking crazy Jenny McCarthy has been in her autism activism often telling the world that vaccines cause autism although the medical community has repeatedly found such assertions to be without merit, i.e., McCarthy is full of shit. The beautiful model, author, comedian and activist of course does not hold a medical degree or any scientific qualifications of any kind made many such pronouncements which I am sure was much to the detriment of the foolish parents who followed her advice and did not get the proper immunization for their children. Amazing how a pretty face and fame trumps proven science in the minds of some Americans.

Anyway, don't feel sorry for Jenny McCarthy. Jim Carrey, showing his love to McCarthy back in 2007, allegedly set up a $50 million trust for her and her child. Talk about a golden parachute out of a relationship. That pussy must have been all that and then some. My exes never gave me cash. I just got a swift kick in the ass as I was tossed to the curb. For goodness sakes they were not even married! Jim is often a little too generous. He once gave his agent, manager and lawyer all Porsche convertibles. Somehow I have to weezle my way into this man's life. I have student loans to pay! My bet is that the both of them will be back together soon after banging a few people. They are both crazy as hell and I don't know who will put up with either one of their bullshit for very long.

Dumbass Of The Day: Man Calls Cops After Dispute With Prostitute's Service

2010-04-06T18:49:00.000-07:00

The Smoking Gun reports on a Ohio man who allegely arranged to have sex with a prostitute in a White Castle restaurant restroom. Why a White Castle restroom? They lock of course! Everyone who has sex with prostitutes in White Castle restaurants knows that. Duh! Well the man, William Ferris, allegedly paid a prostitute $50 to have sex in said restroom. The prostitute allegedly gave him kissing and sucking but no vaginal sex which Ferris understood to be part of deal. Feeling that he was being ripped off and his money stolen because he did not get "all of it for $50", Ferris then called the police to say he had been robbed. Well when the story began to fall apart and it became apparent that Ferris was not robbed but was instead allegedly involved in a sex deal gone wrong, Ferris was charged with solicitation and making a false police report.

When involved in illegal activity, it may be a good idea not to call the police lest ye be arrested. For his wonton and reckless stupidity, William Ferris deserves our Dumbass of the Day award.

Neosoul Superstar Erykah Badu Gets Naked & Fined For Video Shoot

2010-04-03T22:53:00.000-07:00

Neosould superstar Erykah Badu , a Dallas native, shocked the music world and the city of Dallas, Texas when she filed a music video on March 13, 2010 for her song "Window Seat." During the shoot for the video Erykah Badu walks through the public streets of Dallas and strips naked as she walks and then falls to the ground as if she was shot at the exact area where President John F. Kennedy was assassinated. Dallas police was not going to issue a fine as no one complained about the shoot but when the video was released a witness, Ida Espinosa, gave a sworn statement that she was offended by the video as she had her two young children with her when the filming was done. The Dallas Police Department will issue a $500 fine to Erykah Badu for disorderly conduct. As reported by TV Guide, the ticket will be issue to the songstress next week. The video for "Window Seat" can be seen here: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/04/02/erykah-badu-nude-window-s_n_523980.html#postComment

For the record, not only do I think this song is cool but it makes Erykah Badu the coolest singer on the planet right now. We all have to support artist's, especially famous, talented and sexy ones, to get naked for their art. The sworn complainant Ida Espinosa should be slapped. If she was so offended, how come she did not complain to the police during the video shoot. She waited until after the video aired to complain. And that booty was bootylicious!! Seriously, this artist got naked for art and not the crass vajayjay shots young actresses like Britney Spears (NSFW pic here) give when they wear their short skirts and no panties while getting drunk and partying in Hollywood. I am personally offering my city, my block, and my home to Ms. Badu or any sexy artist to get nakes for their cause. Your fine nudity may not be welcome in Dallas, but your nudity, like a Visa card, is always accepted here.

Ricky Martin Is Gay. The Obvious Column Gets Another Check.

2010-03-31T20:44:00.000-07:00

Superstar latin singer and actor Ricky Martin came out on his website announcing his gayness to the world on Monday proclaiming that he is a "proud homosexual". Yes, it's true. Ricky Martin likes the man meat, the sausage, the beef cake....Seriously, Ricky Martin announcing he's gay is like President Obama annoucing he is black. Seriously? Really Ricky? Gay? You? Talk about obvious. If he was anymore of a flamer, he would spontaneously combust. Everyone knew he was gay and didn't treat him differently than anyone else except for the incessant "Are you gay" questions. When everyone knows you are gay and you deny it, it only invites further speculation. It's all so silly because people don't really give a rats ass if a celebrity is gay or not. They just want great performances from the celebrity idols. I am sure there will be a story coming out soon stating exactly why he decided to come out now after over a decade of speculation but the San Francisco Gate is reporting that the gay community is rallying around Martin who on Tuesday tweeted, "I'm doing great! Stronger than ever! I'm here relaxing @ home enjoying ur messages! I feel the love! Thanx for all! Peace." With the "Stronger than ever!" comment you would think he was battling cancer. I had no idea that accouncing that you like cock could be so powerful. I don't hear ladies tweeting about how strong they feel after getting banged by some dude.

Now if Ryan Seacrest comes out and makes a similar announcement, I will be shocked...shocked...just shocked I tell you.

Below please find a photo of Ricky Martin (below left) all scantilly clad in a mankini (aka banana hamock) with some buffed out similary dresssed dude in a mankini on a beach in an obviously gay photo before announcing he was gay.

Tiger Woods and Country Singer LeAnn Rimes Used To Date? US Weekly Says Yes!

2010-03-26T21:38:00.000-07:00

Just when you thought you heard everything about Tiger Woods, Tiger used to date country superstar LeAnn Rimes back in 2002 according to US Weekly. Tiger loves them blondes. It is being reported that Tiger was really into LeAnn but LeAnn's father did not like the fact that Tiger was seven years older than she was (not that he was black - cough cough). What is interesting is that Tiger cheated on his wife Elin and LeAnne allegedly cheated on her husband with Eddie Cibrian during her shoot of the Lifetime movie Northern Lights last year and the two (LeAnn and Cibrian) are reportedly still together. Even more interesting is that while LeAnn is 27, Cibrian is 36 making it a nine year age difference which is bigger than LeAnn's seven year age difference with Tiger. Haven' heard from dad on this one - yep - race was not a factor here. Oh no no no. Cough. Cough.

Other articles on this story: US Magazine and Celebuzz.com

Grace Park Is The Hottest Woman On The Planet

2010-03-26T21:07:00.000-07:00

There is no story here. I justed wanted to say how freaking' hot Grace Park is. Every guy loves Asian chicks but she is the hottest of them of all. Park was one of the stars of Battlestar Gallactica and the main reason I tuned in every week. She played the role of Boomer. In the original tv series Battlestar Gallactica, Boomer was a dude but the geniuses behind the show's amazing reincarnation showed how smart they were by making Boomer a sexy-as-hell Asian chick who was in a lot of steamy sex scenes. Bravo!

Grace Park will now be gracing the tv screen this time in yet another tv series remake - Hawaii Five-O. If you cast Grace Park in any tv show or movie you are guaranteed to get a ton of dudes to watch it including me. This show could be the worst piece of shit ever but if it has Grace Park in a bikini, I'm watching fo sho! Check out a pic from the set of her new series. Damn this woman is fine. Damn...Damn... Damn... I defy anyone to find a woman hotter than this.

Ok. So I just had to include more pics of Grace Park from her ubber hot Maxim photo shoot. That body is just freakin' unreal.

Oh Shizzle! Alleged THIRD Jesse James Mistress Comes Forward

2010-03-26T20:32:00.000-07:00

Well, a third allged Mistress of Jesse James comes forwad. When the skeltons start falling out of the closet for Jesse, it's like a freakin' graveyard! And that's a lot of skeletons.The shocker is...she is not all tatted up like the other two. TMZ is reporting that Brigitte Daguerre, an L.A. photographer, met Jesse because he hired her for styling work on a photo shoot for his shop West Coast Customs. Daguerre claims they had sex four times and has 195 text messages between them. What the hell is with all the texting? If you are married and cheating and very very famous why the hell do you want your affair documented in writing? Didn't you learn from Tiger Woods? You know sooner or later the "relationship" will end and those texts will go public or you will be blackmailed for major cash to keep them quiet. It's like all those stupid girls who send naked pics to their boyfriends or make sex tapes and then when they break up are surprised to see images of their vajayjay all over the internet.

Just a thought here. Maybe Sandra Bullock should hand over her Best Actress Award over to Jesse James. That bastard ACTED like a faithful loving husband for a long time but was cheating like freakin' crazy. By the way, what does this brunette vixen look like? See below.

Alleged Mistress Number 3 above follows alleged Mistress #2 below who claimes to have had a 2 year relationship with Jesse. Mistress #2, Melissa Smith, is a tatted up stripper like Mistress #1. Keep it classy Jesse. Just keep it classy. By the way, my money says that there are a lot more out there. It's going to be like when Tiger Woods' affairs hit the news, the mistresses just keep on coming out and cashing in.

Russians Using Hookers & Cocaine In Widespread Campaign Smears! Cool!

2010-03-24T17:58:00.000-07:00

While Americans use slick campaign ads to poke at their political opposition using everything from their weight to legislative vote histories, the Russians are far more entertaining. The Daily Beast is reporting that Opposition Party opponents to Vladamir Putin and Dmitry Medvedev are allegedly being set up in on camera stings using hookers and cocaine. The latest "victim" was a journalist, Mikhail Fishman, the editor in chief of the Russian edition of Newsweek, who was caught on hidden camera video snorting a white powdery substance NAKED in the company of a woman (Katya Gerasimova, nicknamed Moomoo) who was allegedly a model who was also allegedly an escort. Hookers, models and coke? These Russians know how to party! One man, opposition activist Ilya Yashin, admitted that he had recognized the apartment that Fishman was in and claimed he was lured there for a threesome by Katya, the woman in Fishman's video and another woman. When he arrived at the apartment he became alarmed when he was immediately pull toward a bed and "Katya produced a whole pile of sex toys: dildos, whips, handcuffs, ball gags.” Yashin was then allegedly offered cocaine. Feeling this was a trap, Yashin claims he got dressed and bolted for the door. The Russians take their smear campaigns seriously. Several opposition members have also been videotaped trying to bribe local cops for traffic violations but who cares about that when stories of videotaped sessions with hookers and coke hit the presses.

Video seen here on Huffington Post: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/03/24/newsweek-russia-editor-ca_n_511714.html#postComment

I have not seen a set up this cool since The Globe published a story about ubber annoying and miss family values Kathy Lee Gifford's husband, football legend and sports commentator Frank Gifford, allegedly caught on tape trying to have an affair with a flight attendant and asking for anal sex.
http://www.people.com/people/archive/article/0,,20122296,00.html

Sex Survey: Chicks Are As Horney As Dudes

2010-03-23T13:40:00.000-07:00

The April 2010 issue of Maxim, the magnificent masculine magazine memorializing all things manly just game out with an eye-popping sex survey which says your chick wants to jump you just as much as you want to jump her. Cool!

Here are some of the salacious survey's sensensational findings from women:

How many times a day do you think about sex?
* 38.2% said 2-5 times a day. (highest response)
* 26.8% said 6-10 times a day
* 15.4% said 11-20 times a day.
* 4% said 30+ times a day. Holy horniness! Too bad one of them was your sister
Analysis: Women are as horney as hell. Maybe your manly junk hugging limegreen thong at the beach is not
such a bad idea afterall.

What is the quickest you've slept with a guy after meeting him?
* 25.6% said 1-5 hours! (highest response).
* 10.2% said less than one day
* 20% said one month.
* 18.2% said over 1 month. Billowing blue balls batman. That's a lot of dinners and movies before you
hook up with these chicks. Craiglist paid companions will be faster and cheaper.
Analysis: Either these chicks in general are meeting smooth guys or chicks are getting hornier by the day! By the time the ice melts in your empty glass at the bar, you could be banging a hot chick and not even paying for it!

Rate the importance of the following on a scale of 1, not at all, to 5, extremely:
Penis Size
* 5.4% Not at all important (That's it?! Dude. Not good.)
* 38.9% Somewhat (highest response)
* 35.4% Important
* 15.8% Very Important
* 4.6% Extremely Important.
Analysis: Wow. Oprah lied her ass off. Size does matter. Start ordering those herbal pills and penis pumps asap dude! And start stuffing socks in your underwear immediately!

Ability to have sex several times in one night:
* 14.6% Not at all important.
* 29.0% Somewhat important (highest response)
* 24.9% Important
* 22.0% Very important
* 9.6% Extremely important
Analysis: More than one time in a night? I gets mine and then I go to sleep. I better get off my couch and actually start jogging to build up some stamina because all the nymphos out there want you to bang like a porn star with a Viagra IV.

Muscle Tone/Fitness:
* 6.7% Not at all important
* 36.9% Somewhat imporant (highest response)
* 34.9% Important
* 16.8% Very
* 4.6% Extremely Important
Analysis: The women have spoken. Fuck personality and brains. They want big arms and 6-pack abs!

Job Income:
* 16.6% Not at all important
* 34.4% Somewhat important (highest response)
* 29.5% Important
* 14.8% Very important
* 4.6% Extremely imporant
Analysis: FICO scores beat SAT scores. Chicks want dudes with cash. Apparently dudes with Ferraris are sexier than dudes with Corollas. Who knew?

Which porn-style sex move is the biggest turnoff? (Check all that apply)
* 51.7% Slapping cock on various body parts
* 45.9% Coming on a girl's face
* 73.1% Coming on a girl's face without asking first
* 81.0% Attempting anal sex without asking first (highest response)
* 39.5% Clitoris spanking
Analysis: Holy shit! All those damn pornos you watch actually fuck up your sex life instead of improving it. But the guy always comes in a girls face and go for anal without asking first in the pornos. I will write Vivid Video a strongly worded letter asap.

Here are some other nice snippets of info from the Maxim Survey:
50.7% will Google-stalk a guy before a day so clean up your Facebook and Myspace pages. Your
drunken naked pics with farm animals may be funny to your buds but chicks may be slightly turned-off.
89.5% will give you a second chance at sex if the first encounter was little bit awkward. Even if you suck in the sack, a woman will generally give you another shot before you kicked to the curb. At least you will have had sex twice that year! Woo hoo!
76.4% of women will either tell their friends every last detail of their sexual encounter with your or only when you are good or bad. This means if you bang like a pornstar you will receive free good press and maybe even bang her friends. If Mr. Limpness falls short, you will be shamed to all the chicks so don't even think about going to that bar again. No wonder the same dudes bang all the chicks.
32.5% of chicks are willing to have sex on the first date with 7.5% maxing out on a blow job on a first date. I like those odds! Quick, pick up an issue of Cosmo and study it like it's a final exam.

What have we learned? Women are just as horny as dudes and will bang you fast but you have to be rich, have a big dick, bang all night and be in great shape. This explains why you are reading this blog right how instead of banging a hot chick. At least there is internet porn and your trusty right hand to keep you company and at least your hand is cheap and has never refused a night of hot bangins before. You may commence crying.

Having An Affair With A Married Man Cost Homewrecking Whore $9 million

2010-03-22T11:05:00.000-07:00

CBS News reports on Anne Lundquist who had an affair with married Greensboro, North Carolina attorney Allan Shackleford. The attorney dumped his wife Cynthia Shackleford after starting the affair. Allan was allegedly giving Anne legal advice and it all started from there. Yet another lawyer screws a client - literally this time - Hardy har har har. Apparently, Cynthia was not too amused. She sued the homewrecking whore for "alienation of affection". In North Carolina, a spouse can sue over marital affairs and some 200 such court cases are filed under the law each year in the state. The jury agreed with Cynthia on her homewrecking claims and awarded her a whopping $9 million. Ouch! I am married and my wife can cheat on me all day long if I can get $9 million out of it. Now Allan and the homewrecking whore live together but there has got to be some resent now from the homewrecking whore towards Allan after that enormous judgement. Seriously, was the sex really worth it?

I am sure Ms. Anne Lundquist is recognizing that she just had some mighty expensive dick. I don't know what $9 million sex feels like but it has got to be good but then again, I don't believe any sex is worth $9 million. Even banging every Sports Illustrated swimsuit model EVER and every Victoria Secrets lingerie model EVER and every cheerleader in the NFL would be worth $9 million. Ok well....let me think about that one again. But banging some lawyer dude is a no brainer - That shit ain't worth it especially since the wife was 60 years old so he was probably around the same age. $9 million of wrinkly old saggy senior citizen sex. I just barfed on myself.

But if you still must have an affair with someone who is married, steer clear of these 7 states as reported by CNN as they still allow spouses to sue your ass if you have an affair with their spouse. Those states are Hawaii, Illinois, Mississippi, New Mexico, North Carolina, South Dakata and Utah. As laws may change, please consult your attorney before banging that married broad or her husband just may decide not to kick your ass in court instead of on the street and take every damn thing you have right down to your Twighlight movie action figure collection and Jonas Brothers CDs.

Another report on this story from the American Bar Association Journal

Say It Ain't So Jessie! Jessie James Apologizes to Wife Sandra Bullock And Kids

2010-03-18T15:35:00.000-07:00

Well the entertainment rumor mill, gossip blogosphere and everywhere else was reporting that Jesse James allegedly had an 11 month affair on his wife Oscar winning actress Sandra Bullock with a heavily tatted up woman named Michelle "Bombshell" McGhee. I guess "Bombshell" describes what happens to your life if you fuck or engage in hot bangins with this bitch. I was really hoping this story was false because I personally think Jesse James is a cool guy who turned his life around and became a rich American success story about what happens when you work hard and put your heart and soul into what you do. His wife Sandra Bullock is easily the single coolest actress in Hollywood. To personally pick up a Razzie Award for worst actress on the same weekend when you win your Academy Award Best Actresss Award speaks of her coolness. Most Hollywood actresses would have simply blown off and/or talked trash about the Razzies. She's laid back and takes things in stride. She makes good movies and is just plain personable, the kind of woman that everyone loves.

Well TMZ, Radar Online, and others are reporting that today Jesse James issued a statement of apology to his kids and to his wife Sandra Bullock, who allegedly moved out of their house together this week. As reported by Radar Online, Jesse said, "It's because of my poor judgment that I deserve everything bad that is coming my way. This has caused my wife and kids pain and embarrassment beyond comprehension and I am extremely saddened to have brought this on them. I am truly very sorry for the grief I have caused them. I hope one day they can find it in their hearts to forgive me." Wow. Just fucking wow.

Jesse did go on to say that the "vast majority" of the allegations were "untrue and unfounded" but if so, what the fuck is he apologizing for if he did not engage in inappropriate behavior and against the marriage with his wife. To me this smacks of that intial bullshit statement that Tiger Woods made last December also apologizing to his family about "transgressions" before his whole fucking world blew up and was forced into hiding, sex addiction treatment and an eventual ego destroying tail-between-your-legs full blown and detailed apology on national tv. If Jesse did cheat, and it kinda sounds like he did, what a spectacular fuck up. Seriously, Sandra Bullock is flat-out gorgeous, one the sexiest, most talented and successful women in the entire entertainment industry and she is rich as shizzle to boot. If you cheat on a woman who has the looks and body of a Victoria Secrets model, the class of a member of royalty, a sense of humor like a comedian and has hundreds of millions of dollars in the bank like Sandra Bullock, you deserve for the Almighty himself to shoot a thunderbolt up your ass DAILY. Jesse will NEVER find another woman like Sandra Bullock EVER again. I don't know if he will have to buy a bowling ball sized diamond ring like Kobe Bryant did or go to some sex addiction treatment center like Tiger Woods or both but if I were him I would be hiring a consultant to advise on some serious and expensive ego-busting ass-kissing to his wife Sandra.

Just for the record, if you are going to cheat, why do all these famous dudes who can have anyone choose the skankiest women possible to cheat with. If the woman were a Victoria Secrets model or Sports Illustrated swimsuit model then I can kind of see it but when the alleged mistress looks like a human display for a tattoo convention and is ugly to boot, it is just sad. Seriously, how good could that pussy have been to risk Sandra and her fortune? Did sparks shoot out of ass? Did that poon tang transport your dick to the land of jizz and honey? I would seriously like to know how I can get my hand on some risk-everything-you-have-because-the-pussy-is-that-good pussy. I know I could not afford it like Jesse or Tiger but maybe I can lease it or maybe put it on lay-away or something.

Oh well. I hope Jesse and Sandra work out everything. If not, there will be an army of dudes waiting to take over your place with Sandra my man.