Oh to be a 40's Torch Singer.

To Vet or Not to Vet

2011-08-30T10:14:00.000-10:00

In recent conversations with my mom, I've been giving serious consideration to things that I genuinely LIKE to do. She mentioned that I should investigate some type of research field. This started me down a road that has led me to an interesting part-time gig as a Vetter.

To vet. Verb: to appraise, verify, or check for accuracy, authenticity, validity, etc.: An expert vetted the manuscript before publication.

While this particular gig will never make me rich -- hell, it may not pay a single bill -- it DOES have me thinking differently about my future. I'm hopeful for the first time in quite a long time and I'm actively engaged in the conversation of 'what if'.

Stay tuned!

The Wonder of it All

2011-08-29T14:31:00.002-10:00

I find myself in a 'musing' mood today. I wonder:

What more it would have taken for people to think Irene was a BIG DEAL?
Why some people feel the need to ascribe awful events to god and then assign some sort of arbitrary 'reason' for them (i.e. god's punishment for homosexuality, god trying to get politician's attention, god's retribution for a country gone astray)?
Why bad things happen to good people?
Why contents always settle during shipping?
Why I continue to shovel food into my mouth when I'm full.

That's all for today... I'm sure there will be more tomorrow. The world is, after all, full of wonderous things!

What Day is it?

2011-08-19T13:25:00.000-10:00

I woke up this morning believing that today was Thursday, August 18th. I don't know why. Perhaps since I've been out on medical leave for nearly a month, I've ceased to truly pay attention to the calendar, but boy was I surprised to find that it's Friday. I kept waiting for the moment of realization that comes in the midst of dreaming... thinking that, surely, this was my mind playing tricks on me. Alas, it was not. So, where did that whole day GO, anyway?

Roller-Coasters

2011-08-18T13:09:00.002-10:00

I've been engaged in an internal dialogue these past few months around what I want to do with the rest of my life and what I really believe. It's been an interesting dialogue, but one without any real conclusions. After over a year in the job market here in Hawaii, I basically 'gave up' and went back to my financial consulting career -- kicking and screaming -- but feeling as if I needed to be making SOME contribution to the household. Since then, I've been miserable with a capital M.

The misery has not been without its benefit though, as it has flung me head-long into the 'what do I believe' inquiry. Life, interestingly, pointed me to a documentary called, "Why I am No Longer a Christian". The first half of this video could have been lifted directly from my life story - including the questioning of the inerrant nature of scripture, the Old Testament God vs. the New Testament God vis-à-vis human sacrifice, murder, genocide, etc. and the punishment of hell for all non-Christians. The documentary goes on to discuss the realization that intercessory prayer is futile in the face of an omnipotent, omniscient god. I've wrestled with all of these concepts for my entire spiritual life. The documentarian has carried his inquiry to the gates of atheism, but I'm not prepared to go that far. I'm not convinced that evolution is the final answer, nor am I convinced that the Big Bang created a universe as diverse and complex as ours... so I have paused in the garden of pantheism for the time being.

This still leaves me wondering what would make me want to get out of bed every morning with something other than a sense of dread for the next 20 or so years. Not one single answer comes without strings. One thing I have always thought I would be good at is counseling... back to school I'd go for that one. It would be meaningful and challenging, but would not come with a 9 - 5 time clock. Teaching is another area in which I think I could excel - but here in Hawaii, that is a precarious and ill-paying prospect. Perhaps the question comes down to where am I willing to compromise? Am I willing to trade time away from my husband for professional fulfillment? I don't think that would be good for our marriage. Am I willing to suck up my pride and live as a "kept woman" for the time it takes to go back to school to become certified in a new field? Maybe. If only our financial footing weren't so precarious.

Some days I feel as if I've navigated an entire roller-coaster's worth of thoughts and options and decisions only to find at the end of the day, as with all roller-coasters, I'm right back where I started.

AMERICAN IDOL - Top 8 - Movie Night

2011-04-13T16:25:00.000-10:00

Even though it's yet to air here in Hawaii, I caught the east coast live feed. Here are my thoughts on tonight's show:

Paul sang(?) "Old Time Rock and Roll" by Bob Seger. To be frank, I'm over him. Move on.
Lauren sang "The Climb" by Miley Cyrus. It was okay... nothing spectacular. What on EARTH were the judges talking about?
Stefano sang "End of the Road" by Boyz II Men. Meh... it was just okay. Again, are the judges on drugs? If so, I want some of what they're having, please.
Scotty sang "Cross My Heart" by George Strait. Predictable and boring... but the judges think he's the second coming... Whaaaa????
Casey sang "Nature Boy" by Nat King Cole against the advice of his 'mentors'. I think it was a good call and I ADORED his performance! So did the judges... but, wait, they adore EVERYTHING... so never mind!
Haley sang "Call Me" by Blondie. She did a pretty good imitation of Deborah Harry for the first half and then went all screamy and pitchy at the end. I was NOT a fan of this performance and... wait... what? Neither were the judges? Quick, get them another 'lude!
Jacob sang "Bridge Over Troubled Water" by Simon and Garfunkle after Jimmy panned both of his song choices. He has the chops for it and did it justice. Of course, the judges swooned over him - guess the drugs kicked back in!
James sang "Heavy Metal" by Sammy Hagar, against Jimmy's advice and he rocked it out. Heavy Metal as a genre is not my thing, but at least this kid is remaining true to who he is as an artist and isn't afraid to push back.

Over-all, I would say that either Stefano or Paul will go home this week... unless America doesn't 'get' Casey's nod to Jazz. I'm still missing Pia. That girl has major pipes... but perhaps her being sent home will be a blessing in disguise.

Day Nine: Party

2010-12-09T11:53:00.001-10:00

Party. What social gathering rocked your socks off in 2010? Describe the people, music, food, drink, clothes, shenanigans.

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First, I have to say that we just don't wear socks here in Hawaii - which means that a good pedicure is a must at all times! That being said, the social gathering that had me kicking off my slippahs and kicking up my heels this year was my birthday celebration.

For most of my life, my birthday was a family affair - cake and punch at my grandmother's house. In fact, I don't recall ever having a birthday party that included anyone but family. Sweet sixteen, eighteen, twenty-one... even my fortieth came and went without so much as a tacky noise-maker or paper hat.

This year seems to have made up for it ALL! All day, I was led to believe that my then boyfriend was taking me out to dinner. Instead, I was treated to a surprise birthday party at one of my favorite spots on the island, surrounded by a dozen or so wonderful friends. But wait, there's more {in her best Ginsu knife ad voice}!

After receiving my gift - a gorgeous KORG digital piano - I noticed that champagne was being poured. Then, my sweet man called me up in front of the whole room and asked me to marry him, presenting me with a blindingly gorgeous heart-shaped diamond ring. To top it all off, as if that weren't enough, he remembered my favorite birthday cake - coconut - or haupia as it's called here in Hawaii. And while it wasn't my Nannie's coconut cake, it was beyond delicious. All-in-all, it was a perfect night.

I'm looking forward to February 5, 2011 as my top party for the coming year, as this is when I will marry the love of my life.

Day Eight: Beautifully Different

2010-12-08T12:17:00.001-10:00

Beautifully different. Think about what makes you different and what you do that lights people up. Reflect on all the things that make you different - you'll find they're what make you beautiful.

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I've been known to burst into song at the slightest provocation... say, for instance, hearing a word that reminds me of a song or song title.

I'm also insanely curious. I simply cannot stand NOT knowing something - so if someone asks a question to which I do not know the answer, out comes the phone or computer. This will inevitably lead me on a journey of a thousand links... often getting so lost in the wealth of information, that I forget the original question that I was attempting to answer!

I have a crooked nose... or maybe it's a crooked face, as the surgeon who repaired my broken nose once informed me.

I have a crazy laugh that often leads to snorting.

I'm horribly un-photogenic, having inherited my mother's knack for having my mouth open or my face contorted into some odd shape at the precise moment that the shutter snaps.

I love dogs... all kinds of dogs... and I always talk baby talk to them... even if they're in the car three lanes over. It's what I do.

I also love to cook... but I abhor recipes... so I cook with reckless abandon, tossing in a pinch of this and a dash of that. Every once in a while, the results are disastrous... but most often, it turns out exactly as I imagined.

I'm a hopeless romantic and an even more hopeless sentimental fool. I cry at Hallmark commercials... and once, even cried over a Purina Cat food commercial. Put me in a movie theater with a film like The Notebook or Steel Magnolias and I'm a blubbering mess. But on the flip-side, I can be scathingly sarcastic.

I'm not certain that any of these things really make me DIFFERENT, they just make me who I am... and after not liking that person for a very long time, I've come to be very fond of her.

Day Seven: Community

2010-12-07T13:02:00.001-10:00

Community. Where have you discovered community, online or otherwise, in 2010? What community would you like to join, create or more deeply connect with in 2011? (Author: Cali Harris)

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Many days during this past year, I have felt like a community of one. Moving so far away to a place where you really only know one person has a way of doing that, you know. Thankfully, I became a part of a wonderful online community some 10 years ago, in the midst of my struggle with infertility and miscarriage. This community has held together and these wonderful, amazing women have stood by me - from all across the country - through thick and thin. Without them, the past twelve months would have been, at times, unbearable.

In addition to my online community and the wider world of Facebook - which allows me to keep up with friends from all stages of my life, I have discovered two new communities here in Hawaii. The first is what most would consider completely unlikely for me - a motorcycle club - and I'm not talking about your weekend Harley riders either. This group of veterans, while honoring their charter by being active in veterans affairs, earns their patches. It's kind of like having a slew of big brothers - not of the Orwellian variety, I might add. With this community, I know that whenever my man is travelling, help is just a phone call away. It's like family... with colors and cuts.

The second community I discovered this year is an association chartered to protect the interests of enlisted seamen - Navy, Marines and Coast Guard. My fiance' is a retired Marine and currently serves as President of the Honolulu Branch of the organization. Here I have found lots and lots of surrogate grandparents, as we are likely the youngest participants on the rolls. I will take on a more formal role once we are married and I join the ranks of the Auxiliary Unit.

In 2011, I would like to find a music community. I'm sorely missing my band, my choir and my fellow musicians back home. My soul needs that outlet.

Day Six: Make

2010-12-07T10:22:00.000-10:00

December 6 – Make. What was the last thing you made? What materials did you use? Is there something you want to make, but you need to clear some time for it? (Author: Gretchen Rubin)

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I make many things. I make the bed, make coffee, make up my mind, make sense of life, make love, make dinner (not necessarily in that order). Recently though, I made a souffle -- and while that may not sound reverb10 worthy, I think that it is. The event was a Thanksgiving potluck at my fiance's office. We signed up to bring sweet potatoes. Now, in my four-and-a-half decades on this earth, I have cooked sweet potatoes in many different ways - candied, smothered in marshmallows, savory - with onions, black pepper and ginger, whipped, chopped and sliced. This year, however, I decided that my sweet potatoes needed to reflect the culture of my new home - Hawaii. In many ways, I have fought becoming a part of the culture here - with all of the asian fusion foods and Polynesian influence - so I decided to try to incorporate a little bit of Hawaii into my sweet potato dish.

As most of my research begins, I typed in www.google.com to see what concoctions the Mighty Internet might provide. I found dozens of different sweet potato casserole recipes - many which would have sent me into anaphylactic shock with their use of pecans and walnuts - but eventually my eye landed on this: Sweet Potato Pineapple Souffle. PERFECT, I thought! Doubling the recipe to allow for the masses of Army, Marine and civilian diners, I set out to buy five pounds of sweet potatoes, two pounds of butter, a pound of crushed pineapple, half a dozen eggs, brown sugar, cane sugar, cinnamon, nutmeg and vanilla. Two hours later, a gorgeous souffle was pulled from the oven. After the drive across town to the base, it joined the dessert table and within minutes, ooohs and aaaahs were emanating from the room. The dish was a huge hit and, despite the odd sounding combination, it was DELISH if I don't mind saying so myself.

In addition to proving that the new gal in the group can cook, the making of the souffle served a deeper purpose for me: it taught me that holiday traditions are what we make them and they can be modified to suit our current situation without the earth tipping off its axis. It also taught me that unlikely pairings often make for delightful surprises!

Day Five: Let Go

2010-12-06T14:30:00.000-10:00

December 5 – Let Go. What (or whom) did you let go of this year? Why? (Author: Alice Bradley)

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Having been relatively self-sufficient and fiercely independent since my late teens, this year found me in a place that prevented me from being so. In an absolutely horrendous job market, I found it difficult to obtain meaningful employment here in Hawaii. After two mis-steps into jobs made out of sheer panic at being unemployed and out of money, my fiance' finally asked me a simple question, "Why won't you let me take care of you?" This stopped me in my tracks. Why wouldn't I? Thus began the interior dialog that soon plummeted straight into the bowels of catastrophic thinking... the what if's of impending doom and failure... the fear of being thousands of miles away from home, vulnerable and completely at the mercy of another human being. For weeks, I agonized over this question and my inability to simply let him take care of me and, while I cannot pinpoint the moment that the actual 'letting go' occurred, I can tell you that what I let go of was fear and what I embraced instead was trust... a trust I have never allowed to exist... a trust that has transformed my life.

Day Four: Wonder

2010-12-06T13:12:00.001-10:00

December 4 – Wonder. How did you cultivate a sense of wonder in your life this year?

(Author: Jeffrey Davis)

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I must admit that this prompt has given me some trouble... although many looking at my life from the outside would think it would be the easiest by far -- what with my move to a tropical paradise to be with the love of my life. I'm not certain that I have done anything to cultivate a sense of wonder this year. Although I have had moments that were gloriously wonderful, they have just seemed to appear - as if by magic - in those times when 'tropical paradise' has seemed anything but. Perhaps this will become part of my journey for 2011.

#reverb10 Prompt 4

Day Three: Moment

2010-12-06T12:03:00.004-10:00

December 3 – Moment. Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

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It was a cool, but sunny morning here on Oahu and I awoke with butterflies in my stomach in anticipation of the day's events. I dressed in jeans, boots, and a long-sleeved tee and then pulled on the helmet. Sure and steady hands fastened the chin strap and steely blue eyes gazed into mine with such adoration that my breath caught in my throat.

Instructions followed: "lean with the bike and, whatever you do... trust me." The bike was black with purple flames and glimmering chrome - I threw my leg across the seat and placed my hands on his thighs, feeling the softness of the worn denim and the warmth of him.

We pushed off and glided down the incline, out of the parking lot, and down the mauka... at the bottom of the gulch, with the Pacific ocean to our right, the engine engaged and the deep rumble shattered the quiet of the morning. The vibration went through my whole body... thrilling... and then we were off... the wind in our faces, the sun warming us...

Over and over I coached myself in my mind... 'trust him... trust him'. As we rode on, past lush green mountains and sparkling turquoise seas, I settled into him and found this amazing sense of connectedness... With the gorgeous island as our backdrop, we became one in a way I never imagined.

Day Two : Writing

2010-12-03T14:16:00.001-10:00

December 2 – Writing. What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it? (Author: Leo Babauta)

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The easy answer to this is FACEBOOK. But, if I delve deeper into what trolling Facebook means and why it keeps me from writing something meaningful, then it gets a bit more complex. You see, Facebook is superficial. It doesn't require one to be real - it just requires one to be (occasionally) witty or obtuse or droll or sarcastic... or simply to remain silent while observing others being witty, obtuse, droll or sarcastic. While it carries with it a hint of validation in the number of "likes" one gets, there's something all-together different about really sharing a piece of yourself through thoughtful, purposeful writing... and lack of validation for the TRUE sharing is sometimes difficult to take.

Part two of the question asks if I can eliminate it... The easy answer is 'yes, I can'. The harder question is, 'do I want to?'

Day One: One Word #Reverb10

2010-12-03T14:05:00.001-10:00

I have decided to participate in a blogging project. The object of the project is to reflect on 2010 and manifest what's next for 2011. I'm a few days behind... so will endeavor to catch up in the quiet of this balmy December day in Hawaii.

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December 1 – One Word. Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you? (Author: Gwen Bell)

2010 was a year of CHALLENGE for me. As much as 2009 taught me about not being defined by what I do or what I own, 2010 challenged me to reevaluate who I am in this world. The year began with the challenge of belonging. You see, I sold everything I owned, left family, career and home and moved 4600 miles away to a small rock in the middle of the Pacific Ocean... all for love. The challenge was to figure out how and where I belonged in this new life - a life with a man whose household had long ago been established in bachelordom, with a defacto step-son who was 18 and making it crystal clear that he did not need me in his life, in a culture that is not welcoming of 'round-eyes', and an economy with few opportunities to earn the kind of income I had come to expect. Yes, 2010 has definitely been a challenge... and the challenge has not really changed so, in creating my future I choose BELONGING for 2011.

I'm Having a Night...

2010-09-03T23:03:00.000-10:00

one of THOSE nights... sleepless and punctuated by "the ugly cry". After a none-too-successful day, the old ego is feeling bruised and, try as I might, fitting in on this lovely little rock in the Pacific is proving more difficult than I had ever imagined. Everything that made me successful as a sales person on the mainland is missing here. I'm just a haole girl trying to find her way in an asian society with no particular claim to fame and no natural market. Getting out of sales would seem the natural choice, but I'm not uniquely qualified to do much else -- not here anyway -- not without being bi-lingual or local. I feel like an abysmal failure and I just don't know what to do about it. So, here I sit on the sofa at 11 pm on a Friday night, crying my eyes out, while my man slumbers in the next room... writing a blog entry for the first time in months, and missing home... missing being the best at what I do and everything that brought with it: money, recognition, a profound sense of accomplishment. Tonight I feel like a fish out of water... and it's left me gasping for air.

That being said, tomorrow is another day and I'm sure my perspective will be less tragic... however swollen my eyes may be.

The Moment

2010-06-14T09:12:00.000-10:00

In that moment after we've made love, lieing in the afterglow, safe and content in each other's arms I am overwhelmed by a feeling I cannot fully explain... a desire at the very core of my being... a longing for some tangible result of this beautiful connection we share... a seed that would take root and grow... a piece of each of us brought together in perfect union and growing inside of me. Would that we had found this perfection years ago and that our lives had been blessed with children born of our love. Still, the contentment is sweet and the love so profound... and the moment passes... and life goes on, leaving me floating on its wistful wake.

That Little Voice Inside My Head...

2010-06-01T11:25:00.000-10:00

Has someone ever said something to you and you can't turn off the recording of it playing over and over in your head? Yeah, that's where I am right now. I want to think they were kidding. I have to believe they were. But, if they weren't, all my illusions are shattered.

Step-Monster is a Two-Way Street

2010-05-12T22:54:00.000-10:00

I'm sure that there are times when my defacto step-son does not like me and wishes I'd never come into his world. Yet, every once in a while, we have 'moments' where it seems that he actually likes and respects me. I thought we had made great strides -- until tonight when I got 100% teenage attitude and sass. Granted, I've only been a part of his life for five months, but in that time, I have gone out of my way to help him with school -- science project, senior project, English project... all out of my pocket and out of the goodness of my heart... and out of a genuine desire to see him do well.

When I was a teenager, I never understood my dad's 'melodrama' (my perception) of saying, "after everything I've done for you, this is the thanks I get..." Now I do. While I cannot imagine the hurt of having your own flesh and blood dismiss you and treat you with total disrespect, I can say that it didn't feel too great coming from my step-monster either. I wonder how the next 6 months will play out as he continues to flex his 'indepedence' muscles... and I wonder what the effect will be on my relationship with his dad.

Mother's Day

2010-05-09T13:23:00.000-10:00

Here we are again - another Mother's Day. This is a day that typically sends me into a tailspin since, well, I'm NOT a mother. It is usually filled with wistful moments of 'what if' and 'my babies would have been 'x' years old this year'. The annversaries aren't as hard as they used to be -- in fact, one just passed completely unnoticed -- and I have to stop and really think now how old my 'eldest' would be (seven, by the way). This year seems easier than most. I am content with my life and happy with where I am - both physically and emotionally. No, this year, there doesn't seem to be quite as much 'sting' in the "Happy Mother's Day" greetings flying around and that's a good thing.

Conflicted

2010-05-02T11:37:00.001-10:00

It's hard to believe that I have not visited these pages since before the big move. I have been on Oahu for just over four months now and the transition has been many things -- amazing, heart-breaking, wonderful, trying. Tears have been shed, first fight survived.

I am still working to determine and define my place in this new world: defacto step-mom, 'girlfriend', former successful something or other, musician wannabe. While my horoscope seems to presage great career success, I have not found its source and, at the moment, am about 60 days away from being flat broke.

I find myself in the position of having to decide whether to dive headlong into the pool of independent business owner - a daunting and expensive proposition which would have to be financed on credit - with the 'promise' of a salaried position in six months' time or to walk away from this 'opportunity' in search of something else entirely. The prospect of settling for a position that pays about one-third of what I made last year fills me with such a sense of failure and disappointment that I can scarcely contain the tears that seem to spring, unbidden, to my eyes. Still, I cannot imagine turning over my debt and the responsibility for my upkeep to another person. J has been most gracious, sweet and adorable in his offers to take care of me... why is it that I cannot accept? Why is it that I am beginning to dread each day as it stretches out before me without meaning or purpose and why am I unable to muster even the gratitude and joy for the gift of love I've been given.

I have just undertaken the journey of 'life is a verb' by Patti Digh... 37 Days to Wake Up, Be Mindful, and Live Intentionally... perhaps it will help me gain the clarity I so desperately seek.

De Tante

2009-12-12T16:09:00.001-10:00

Tensions have been alleviated between the island girl and the mainland girl.

No harm, no foul.

Sunrise came

2009-12-12T06:48:00.002-10:00

I was wrong.

If you prick us, do we not bleed?

2009-12-11T18:20:00.002-10:00

The 'we' to which I refer is really ME. Tonight, moreso than most nights in recent memory, I am sore vexed (to continue with the Shakespearean theme). I am caught betwixt jealousy and a loathing of that emotion... between love and hatred... between pride and shame.

I have always thought of jealousy as the refuge of small minds - yet, tonight I find myself so eaten alive by that emotion that I cannot contain it. And while the object of my affection remains so, his cohort has become the object of my disdain... not because of any great transgression - but merely because she is with him and I am not. This fact brings tears to my eyes -- both at the injustice of being so far away and helpless to change my circumstance and at the shame of allowing myself this indulgence.

Still, I have to wonder, was there no consideration for how one's lover might feel? Or have years of being alone dulled that sense?

I'm certain that with tomorrow's sunrise I will feel quite the fool for having entertained these thoughts... but somehow the writing of them has provided a modicum of relief.

I bid you good morrow.

Stolen Moments

2009-12-11T13:28:00.000-10:00

... snippets of conversations... interrupted by the unyielding demands of daily life... a few 'I love yous'... and then hours pass as I wait for the next call.

For now, all we have are stolen moments and I am growing weary from needing you so much.

What was and is and is to come...

2009-12-07T10:18:00.003-10:00

No, I'm not talking about the Messiah... although the season is perfect for such a discussion... I'm talking about my life. It's been an interesting - sometimes trying - period in my life these past several months. Since reuniting with JJ, I have found myself in the position of completely rethinking my life. Until July 28th, I had a well-ordered - albeit solitary - plan. My work was my primary focus... a long and distinguished career with a well-known company, a legacy as a philanthropist and a little local fame as a singer. Today, I find that entire plan has gone by the wayside. The career that I thought I would have has evaporated due to corporate reorganization and I have quite literally divested myself of nearly all of my worldly possessions. At times like these, one is left to consider who they are in the world and what their legacy will be. It seems that I now have the opportunity to completely reinvent my future.

One of my biggest 'learnings' in this process has been that things do not define me. It was a difficult lesson, because I come from a family -- or at least a mother -- who believes that, in some way, we are what we have. I have always believed that we are a sum of our experiences, and therefore, what we have serves as a reminder of those experiences... and therein lies the struggle for me of separating the things from the memories and thus from myself and my idea of who I am. Over the course of the past several months, I have, indeed, separated myself from my things - reevaluated the importance and relevance of each thing and then carefully selected those things that I want to take with me into my new life and let go, mourned, or purged everything else. It's been cathartic... cleansing... brutal... healing... so many things all wrapped up into an emotional maelstrom that has ultimately served to smooth the rough edges, define the path forward and strengthen me beyond anything I imagined.

In the midst of all of this 'learning' and growing and evolving has been one constant... JJ... the man I love and for whom all of these things have been undertaken. Never in my life have such deep, constant emotions guided my every step. So often in my past I have taken the easy way out -- when things were too hard, I simply walked away or made excuses as to why it wasn't 'do-able'. Even though this has been one of the most difficult phases of my life - save the infidelity and subsequent back surgery and neurological dysfunction of the early 90's - I have not... not even ONCE... not even for a MOMENT... questioned that this is the right thing to do or that JJ is the one with whom I'm meant to spend the rest of my life.

The only thing that the relationship has contributed to the level of difficulty is the pain of separation and the overwhelming desire to be together. Yet, even this leaves me with a knowing that the instant the waiting is over... the instant I am in his arms... my world will be as it was always meant to be and I will know joy and love like none I have ever imagined.

I wish that there were adequate words to describe what I feel for Julian. Love... adoration... however deep and abiding just seem so small in comparison to the enormity of what we share. In the past, I have wanted desperately to believe that people who came into my life were MEANT for me, yet I can tell you now that they were not -- they were not even close. I know this because of the inexpressible sense of belonging that overwhelms me each time I hear JJ's voice... each time he touches me... each time I gaze into his eyes and see my own soul reflected there.

In just three weeks, I will embark on the next chapter of my life with the man I love. Whatever life brings our way, we will have each other and that, I have learned, is what life is all about.