As I think about this holiday, it brings back many fabulous memories. As a child, it was in my top two or three yearly holidays. I loved that it was the official start of summer and school was over. Warm weather was here and a family vacation was near. Having grown up in New Jersey, I loved cookouts with family,seeing friends at the pool, or even better, going ”down the shore”. Riding the waves, salt-water taffy, the boardwalk, and of course, sunburn.

Being 55 years old, I remember fireworks galore exploding in ways that were not safe in light of today’s standards. And I mean having to smack out live embers which landed in your hair or your lap. Oh, what memories…So you ask, what does the title of this post have to do with anything? Well, I will tell you. Now the greatest 4th of July memory for our family is synonymous with one particular Independence Day. Not at the Jersey Shore this time, but a trip to another of my childhood favorites - North Waterford, Maine, and the Five Kezar Lakes. Frog gigging, fishing, bonfires, fresh lobsters, water-skiing and swimming in the pristine, crystal-clear lakes. Absolutely remarkable!

While the serene natural pine tree-filled Maine environment is remarkable, it did not compare to the events of this one particular 4th of July evening.  My sons were probably 11 and 12 years old at the time. After a great day outdoors with our family, cousins, and my Aunt and Uncle, we drove to the Oxford Plains Speedway in Oxford, Maine. Not our family’s usual activity, but what the heck. We are always up for something new especially if it has a local flair.  As I recall, Shirley Muldowney raced in her jet-propelled pink dragster against “Big Daddy” Don Garlits that night. The intense heat generated from the dragsters could be felt throughout the grandstands! After that we then experienced the thrill of a sensational high-impact, collision-filled demolition derby. But the highlight of the night was to follow. We were immediately engulfed with fireworks literally exploding right on top of us launched from the infield of the speedway! You had to lie down in the bleachers to see the blasts since they were right over your head. My cousin, an honored Viet Nam veteran, must have had flashbacks at the time. The announcer then proceeded to give a “play by play” for each firework shot in the air, repeatedly exclaiming over the loudspeaker with his distinctive Maine accent, ”the red ones are the best!”  How right he was! To this day, my sons always repeat the story about the speedway fireworks every time they see any fireworks!

Thinking about this wonderful memory of Maine and Independence Day not only reminds me of that spectacular firework display but of the close relationship and love I enjoy with my Aunt Marion, who lived in Maine at the time.  She is a talented, feisty and independent lady, much like her sister, my Mom. While employed, my Aunt was, among other things, a passionate librarian who had a love for well-written children’s books. She enjoyed reading them to all the kids.  So in honor of her I say “Happy 4th of July, Aunt Marion. You will always be in my heart.”

Also, feeling that I must deliver some valuable information to our blog readers rather than just sharing my own memories, and as a tribute to my Aunt, please click here to see a wonderful list of children’s books written about the 4th of July compiled by James R. Heintze, author of “The Fourth of July Celebrations Database”.

Happy 4^th of July everyone! May it be truly memorable!

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During my 31-year law career, I have focused a large part of my efforts both professionally and as a member of various community organizations and non-profit Boards towards diverse child-welfare related causes. So with that stated background, I whole-heartedly encourage everyone to read Dr. Williams’ presentation in full, by clicking here.

I will attempt to capsulate some of the salient points as well as set forth the six (6) recommendations he made based on his extensive clinical experience to prevent parentectomies.

According to Dr. Williams, a ”parentectomy” is the removal, erasure, or severe diminution of a caring parent in a child’s life, following separation or divorce. A parentectomy is the most cruel infringement upon children’s rights to be carried out against human children by human adults. Parentectomies are psychologically lethal to children and parents.

The consequences for a child may be that he or she is actually abandoned by a parent who became burned out by years of court fights and battling a pervasive pattern of alienation known as parental alienation syndrome (PAS). According to Dr. Williams, that while kids hate to see battling parents, they misinterpret a parent giving up the fight as that parent not caring enough about them. “These children frequently become depressed - especially in later adolescence. At times their depression reaches suicidal proportions. In my own clinical work, as well as in school and emergency room consultation experience during the past 15 years, I have found a very high correlation between suicidality in adolescents and a divorce in their earlier years, which virtually results in one parent being erased from their lives.”

So what did Dr. Williams conclude or recommend you ask? He states that “the following recommendations on how to prevent parentectomies may, in part, appear drastic. These prevention measures, which are presented in the spirit of suggestions and based on clinical experience, include:

1. Person contemplating marriage and children should consider a proposed mate’s tendency toward relying on the role of being a parent as his or her exclusive identity. Such persons may need to rely totally on full-time control over the children for identity following divorce.
2. One should try to fall in love with and have children with a mate who has great empathy for children’s needs and feelings. A mother or father with empathy who loves his or her children will usually not subject the children to a parent removal.
3. One should not separate from one’s mate without a scheduled, structured, legal custody arrangement in advance of parting the marital relationship.
4. Once separated, a parent should never speak with and certainly should never see a mental health professional - other than a court appointed one - that he or she has not helped choose in advance; and should further avoid like the plague a friendly-sounding psychiatrist, psychologist, social worker, or counselor, who calls and says he or she wants to help the parents and children through the pain of divorce. This is especially so when that professional has already seen the children and the other parent.
5. Parents should seek and hopefully find attorneys not biased by the conviction that all children need a primary home and a primary caretaker after divorce.
6. The first moment it becomes clear that scheduled custodial time with one’s child is being consistently blocked, the parent so blocked should run (not walk) with his or her attorney to the nearest family court.”

As a teaser to encourage you to read the rest of his address, I have purposefully omitted some very candid observations about “hired-gun” child development experts, false allegations of sexual abuse, psychological “allergic” reactions to the other parent and how attempts at performing a “parentectomy” surgery create a psychological reign of terror!

Parenthetically, I must note that Dr. Williams also makes a very interesting point based upon his personal consultations with Dr. Richard A. Gardner, a renowned clinical professor of psychiatry, known for coining the term parental alienation (PAS) in 1985. Apparently, Dr. Gardner defined the term “joint custody” much more narrowly than most. When Gardner stated that “joint custody” requires a high degree of parental cooperation, he was using his particular definition of joint custody - one in which there is a free-flowing, flexible arrangement; one in which the children and the parents may frequently shift schedules, may often change the days and times the children are with each parent; and may alter parental responsibilities for the children’s school and social activities. Dr. Williams learned that Gardner believed “that when there are two highly bonded loving parents, a rigid structured schedule of even 50-50 shared residential overnights, as well as a pre-defined structure decision-making authority plan for each parent may be appropriate to best serve the children.” Unlike most people, Dr. Gardner would just not define such a 50-50, rigid structured arrangement as “joint-custody”. So when a psychologist or lawyer talks about Dr. Gardner’s conclusions about joint custody, it is worthwhile to appreciate how he defined that term.

I will be posting more in weeks to come based upon my recent personal conversations with Dr. Williams. He has many more interesting insights to share! Stay tuned…

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From my readings at various websites, the origin of Father’s Day is not entirely clear.  Some say it began with a church service to honor Fathers in Fairmont, West Virginia, on July 5, 1908.  Others believe that Ms. Sonora Smart Dodd of Spokane, Washington, came up with the idea or plan to honor Fathers in 1909 while she listened to an earlier church service wherein Mothers were honored and praised.  Ms. Dodd’s Father, a veteran of the Civil War and a “single parent”, had successfully raised six (6) children following the premature death of his Wife.

Although the movement to honor Fathers began over one hundred (100) years ago, it took many years for this country to make this occasion an official holiday.  While citizens supported the concept of Mother’s Day with pride and enthusiasm, the idea of Father’s Day was at first met with laughter and satire. While President Woodrow Wilson “approved” the concept of an annual Father’s Day in 1916, it was not until 1924 when President Calvin Coolidge declared the day to be a national event.  Thereafter, Father’s Day was celebrated but was not made a federal holiday until 1966 when President Lyndon B. Johnson issued a proclamation declaring it to be so.  Later, in 1972, President Richard Nixon established Father’s Day as a permanent holiday to be celebrated on the third Sunday of June of each year.

The allocation of parenting time for Father’s Day is treated somewhat differently by each individual Domestic Relations Court throughout the state.  It is important to note that even though all Domestic Relations Courts are governed by the same statutes or laws (Ohio Revised Code: Title 31), each County may devise its own Local Rules including a Standard Order of Parenting Time.

To illustrate, if the Family Court of Montgomery County has jurisdiction of your case and the Standard Order of Parenting time has been ordered, the Father is entitled to parenting time on Father’s Day, no matter the parenting time schedule for said weekend, from 9:00 a.m. to 6:00 p.m. Fathers receive more time if parenting time is pursuant to the Standard Order of the Family Court of Greene County, Ohio.  There the Father is entitled to have parenting time from Saturday at 6:00 p.m. until Sunday at 6:00 p.m.

In Miami County, the Standard Order of Parenting Time Schedule states: “Father’s Day shall always be spent with the Father, regardless of which parent is entitled to the weekend.  If the parties cannot agree on times, the time shall be from 10:00 a.m. to 7:00 p.m. that evening.”  The Standard Parenting Schedule of Warren County, Ohio, provides for Father to have parenting time with the minor child or children from 9:00 a.m. until 7:00 p.m.

The Domestic Relations Court of Clark County, Ohio, has a one-page Standard Order of Visitation and neither Mother’s Day nor Father’s Day is addressed.  Nonetheless, I was advised by a spokesperson of the Court that the Magistrates will often address Mother’s Day and Father’s Day in the Entries and Orders they prepare.  Finally, the Preble County Domestic Relations Court Guidelines for Parenting Time of Non-Residential Parents do address Father’s Day as follows: On Father’s Day, no matter whose turn for visitation, the child(ren) shall be with Father from 1:00 p.m. until 8:00 p.m.

Whatever the exact schedule for Father’s Day, our law firm would strongly recommend that both parents urge and encourage parenting time between the child(ren) and Mother on Mother’s Day and between the child(ren) and Father on Father’s Day as it is so vitally important for children to spend time with each parent on his/her “special” holiday!

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The Gordon Poll Youth Survey focuses on family life issues. It is conducted for the benefit of parents, educators and members of the legal and mental health professions. The May 2009 survey was compiled from a sample size of 1,000 children between ages 14-18, and they are from a self-selected national sample that includes all 50 states.

Here are a few selected comments from participants who indicated that each parent should pay the same:

“Yes, one parent may earn more, or one may not have custody, but both parents are equally, biologically responsible for their child. Just because someone earns more doesn’t make it their job to pay more.”

Here are some selected comments from participants who indicated that the parent who earns more should pay more:

Here are selected comments from participants who indicated that the parent who doesn’t live with the kid should pay more:

And, these selected comments are from participants who indicated that the parent who wanted the divorce should pay more:

Click here to read more comments from the survey participants. I will be bringing you more USA Youth Survey results in the future!

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The new Rule does several things.  But the most important may be establishing certain training requirements and defining the responsibilities of the GAL in his or her investigation.  Finally, the Rule sets forth what must be included in the GAL’s Report.

The first major element in the rules is that it sets forth specific training requirements.  Previously, in some Courts there were virtually no training requirements. In other Courts a person was mandated to attend a training seminar before becoming a GAL.  In Montgomery County, for instance, an attorney had to take a general Juvenile Law Certification Seminar first, which was six hours of education.  Beyond that, a person had to undergo a two-day, twelve-hour seminar discussing numerous topics in order to become a GAL.  Those training programs in Montgomery County were excellent, in my opinion, having attended them in 2008. However, other Courts would allow attorneys to serve as a GAL with no additional training at all!

Under the new Rule, an attorney must complete, at a minimum, a six-hour course that has been approved by the Ohio Supreme Court.  This course must include training on child development, various communication skills, child abuse prevention, general family and child issues such as drug abuse and domestic violence, and a legal framework for conducting records checks and utilizing resources.  In addition, an attorney who has met these requirements and is already serving as a GAL must complete a three-hour course annually to stay updated.  The various courts are responsible for monitoring and making sure all attorneys remain in compliance.

The next major component of the rule is that it sets forth the responsibilities of a GAL.  These are the minimum requirements a GAL must do in each case unless it is “impractical or inadvisable.”  The list includes seventeen different things.  First and foremost is that the GAL is to represent the “best interests” of the child.  This includes being independent, objective and fair, as well as being courteous in all the proceedings.  It goes without saying that a GAL needs to appear and participate in all hearings where the child’s interest is at stake.  If the GAL is an attorney,  they should file pleadings when appropriate.

If the person is both attorney and GAL for the child, it is his or her responsibility to advocate for both the child’s wishes and for the best interest of the child.  If there is a conflict between these two positions, the GAL must notify the court, in writing, as soon as possible in order to have the conflict resolved.  The GAL must avoid any other conflicts of interest; and if one arises, must notify the Court promptly.  He or she must immediately indicate that they are serving as a GAL when contacting individuals for the case.

Finally, the GAL must take steps to become familiar with all aspects of the case; including the child, family members, and other individuals in their lives.  In order to do this a GAL must meet and observe the children with both of the parents, or prospective guardians, as well as conduct an interview with the child outside the presence of the parents.  Additionally, a GAL must meet and interview the parties and other significant individuals who have knowledge of the case.  A home study must be conducted of any homes where the child might live.  Depending upon the age of the child, the GAL must determine the child’s wishes.  The investigation must include a review of the case records and any criminal, civil, educational, therapy or counseling records and administrative records pertaining to the child or the child’s family.  The GAL must interview school personnel, medical providers, and child protection workers and obtain copies of any applicable records.  If there is a need for additional psychological testing or substance abuse testing, the GAL should recommend that the court orders additional testing.  Finally, the GAL must do anything else necessary to make a recommendation based on a thorough investigation and what is in the best interest of the child.

The GAL conveys his or her recommendations and the findings of the investigation in a written report that is submitted to the court.  The rule establishes certain requirements in compiling a report.  The report is required to list who was interviewed, what documents were reviewed, what activities were performed, and any relevant information considered by the GAL in making his or her recommendation.  The report is to be filed seven days in advance of any hearing.

The report of a GAL is a very important part of the court proceedings.  I am pleased to see this statewide effort to mandate complete and thorough GAL investigations.  In the past, unfortunately, some court-appointed GALs put minimal effort into their investigations resulting in poor reports.  A person can lose custody of a child predicated upon a GAL’s recommendation.  Undertaking this role is a tremendous responsibility which affects many lives.  Our justice system demands caring, compassionate and highly trained GALs who review all facts of the case before making any recommendation.

To read Superintendence Rule 48, please click here.

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A recurring battle that I see in my family law practice is how to juggle a child’s extracurricular activities after a divorce.  There is no black and white answer, of course, to this question.  In many cases where there is shared parenting or both mother and father continue to communicate with each other and place the child’s best interest in perspective, both parents will attend the child’s after-school activities and will seamlessly foster the child’s continued participation in the activities no matter which home the child may be residing in.  However, in a large number of post-divorce situations, especially in high conflict cases or where the parties do not live in close proximity with one another, continuation of extracurricular activities can present a major problem.

Oftentimes, I hear a non-custodial parent complaining that the custodial parent has enrolled the child in numerous extracurricular activities which prevent or impede the non-custodial parent from having any meaningful one-on-one parenting time with the child.  Many courts throughout Ohio and other states have adopted a provision in their Standard Order of Visitation to address that issue.  In Montgomery County, the Standard Order states, “Regardless of where the children are living, their continued participation in extracurricular activities, school related or otherwise, should not be interrupted.  It shall be the responsibility of the parent with whom the children are residing at the time to discuss the scheduling of such activities with the children and to provide transportation to the activities.  Each parent shall provide the other parent with notice of all extracurricular activities, complete with schedules and the name, address and telephone number of the activity leader, if available.”

Under Ohio law, the Court is charged to allocate the parental rights and responsibilities of the parties’ minor children as are in their best interest.  There are a myriad of factors that the Court is required to consider to determine the child’s “best interest.”  Click here to read all of those factors.

The Second District Court of Appeals for Montgomery County, Ohio, issued an interesting opinion in the case of Daufel v. Bardsley in August 2008.  Both parents had filed contempt motions against the other, in part, dealing with conflict over extracurricular activities of their two minor children, ages 8 and 6.  The Decree of Divorce provided that father was to have parenting time for six weeks each summer, but it must be exercised according to the Standard Order of Parenting Time.  Mother had arranged a complex set of activities for the two children during the summer and wanted father to agree to have the children attend mother’s daycare in Dayton during the summer so that the children would be able to attend their extracurricular activities uninterrupted.  Instead, father who lived in Wilmington, Ohio, about 30 miles away from mother, wanted to have the children with him in a daycare setting in Wilmington as he had done in prior summers.  In analyzing the situation, the magistrate found that, “’[g]iven the numerous extracurricular activities the children are involved in and the distance between Roger’s [father’s] daycare provider (in Wilmington) and these activities, it is physically impossible for the children to attend all extracurricular activities.” Accordingly, the magistrate decided (1) that “[w]hen the children visit with Roger [father] during the summer, he shall be responsible for providing daycare,” and (2) that “[i]f the children are placed in daycare in Wilmington, Ohio where Roger works, they do not have to attend the extracurricular activities in Montgomery County [where mother lives].’”

This part of the Court Order was ultimately appealed to the Second District Court of Appeals which upheld the Magistrate and the trial court’s decision.  The Court of Appeals held that the issues of attendance at extracurricular activities are “. . . issues which are within the sound discretion of the trial court to determine.”  Further, they held that the goals of the provision of the Standard Order of Parenting Time, cited above, to be aspirational, not mandatory.  The Court then went ahead to uphold the Court’s modification of the provision of its Standard Order of Parenting Time.

The holding of the Court of Appeals in this case makes it clear that litigants should not lose sight of what is in the best interest of their children by believing that provisions of a Court’s Standard Order are “black and white” and not subject to modification.  Here, the trial court, in my opinion, correctly determined what was in the children’s best interest by balancing the children’s attendance and participation in extracurricular activities with the need for the children to be able to fully exercise summer parenting time with their father.

The magistrate observed in Daufel that it is unfortunate that these children have parents that “engage in a contentious battle of post-decree motions and do not place at the forefront what is in the best interest of these young children.”  The Court of Appeals went on to endorse that view and urged the parties to conform their future conduct to serve the needs of their children rather than their antagonism against each other.  Click here to read a full copy of the Court of Appeals opinion in Daufel v. Bardsley.

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There is no doubt that extracurricular activities can be very beneficial to a child. According to a recent study by the Nellie Mae Education Foundation, children who participate in after-school programs are more engaged and have a better attitude about learning, perform better academically and enjoy an increased sense of accomplishment, competence and self-esteem. Additionally, participation also lowers children’s risk of becoming depressed, using drugs and alcohol, and experiencing other behavioral problems.

Recently, while researching this topic, I came across an excellent article about how to choose after-school activity(ies) for children at www.scholastic.com. It also gives a breakdown discussing appropriate types and numbers of activities per week which are recommended based on the age and maturity of the child starting with kindergarten through middle school. The article offers advice which will help a parent determine if it is time for their child to start an extracurricular activity, what’s the best option and how to find a good program.

Recently, Gregory Ramey, Ph.D., a child psychologist at Dayton Children’s Hospital and Dayton Daily News columnist, addressed a similar inquiry from a reader wondering if a child can be too involved with an extracurricular activity. Here the reader was asking about their 15 year old daughter, Maddie, who’s been involved in gymnastics since she was three years old and practices about 16 hours during the weekdays and competes on weekends year round. In response to that background, Dr. Ramey gives advice on how you can tell if your child’s dedication is beneficial or excessive.

1. Be mindful of the effects on the entire family. While it’s great that kids are passionate about something, you need to carefully assess the impact on others, particularly siblings. Family life involves endless compromises in trying to balance the needs of adults and kids. In families with a high achieving teen, other siblings may inadvertently pay a high cost. The support of one child shouldn’t come at the cost of other family members.
2. Keep the activity in perspective. While we don’t want to discourage kids from their passions, they do need a reality check about the significance of their activity for their future educational and vocational aspirations. Maddie’s mom has made it clear to her daughter that “school is number one.”
3. Be willing to walk away from the activity. There have been times when Maddie has encountered tough times and wanted to end gymnastics. How would her mom and dad have responded if she wanted to stop gymnastics? “My parents are really into it…they wouldn’t be too happy.” Disappointment and frustration are inherent in the passionate pursuit of excellence. There are times when you should offer encouragement and not allow your child to give up when confronting difficulties. However, you should anticipate and be willing to accept the reality that there may be a time when your child abandons their passion for other pursuits.
4. Regularly assess the real value of the activity. Most of our kids will never grow up to be professional baseball players or gymnasts. The value of their commitment is less in the acquisition of athletic skills and more in habits and friendships that persist long after the activity has ended. Maddie’s mom described the peer support that Maddie gets daily in the gym as “…the kind of friendships you don’t often get in life.” Maddie has also learned about discipline, persistence, and time management - habits that will serve her well throughout her lifetime.

Dr. Ramey concluded that, “The child may never back flip her way to the Olympics, but I suspect she will be a successful person in whatever she does.” Click here to read Dr. Ramey’s full article.

One of the points clearly made in the scholastic.com article mentioned above is that it’s important to watch your child for signs of over-scheduling. “In younger children, this most often takes the form of irritability, avoiding eye contact and tantrums. In older children, look out for mood swings, recurrent sickness, such as stomach aches, and complaints about the activities themselves. At any age, if the school work begins to suffer, it’s time to cut back.” Click here to read the full article, by Toby Leah Bochan, at scholastic.com.

While balancing children’s extracurricular activities can be difficult in a conventional intact family, read next week’s blog article where I discuss the impact that a divorce may have on juggling a child’s activities and parenting time.

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A. Commissary Benefits: Commissary is defined as “a store, as in an army camp, where food and supples are sold”. The Commissary at Wright Patt Air Force Base is a very large “grocery store” with all the amenities and the usual departments to include: Meat/Fish/Poultry, Fresh Produce, Bakery, Deli, Frozen Food Products, Canned Food Products, Paper Products, Cereal and Grain Products. The primary benefit to the former spouse is that the prices are much less expensive than prices at local grocery stores. Shopping there is a true benefit in terms of dollars saved!

B. Base Exchange Benefits: The Base Exchange is similar to a large department store having the following departments: Men’s Clothing, Women’s Clothing, Children’s Clothing, Shoes, Make-Up, Gifts, Jewelry, Television Sets and Electronics, Small Appliances, and other Miscellaneous Departments. As in Item A. above, the prices are less expensive than prices at local department stores providing another true benefit in terms of cost savings.

C. Base Hospital and Medical Benefits: This benefit provides the most significant financial benefit to former spouses of military members. As I mentioned in my article last month, I shall use “me/myself” to illustrate the benefits available. My marriage to former military member exceeded twenty years of marriage/service overlap with his total military service of twenty years, the so called 20-20-20 rule. Accordingly, when I retire from my present position of employment and no longer have health insurance benefits available to me through employment, I will be eligible to utilize health services available at Wright Patterson Air Force Base (”WPAFB”) Medical Center or I can seek medical services available through TRICARE, formerly known as CHAMPUS. The Medical Center at WPAFB has a complete pharmacy, large and modern laboratory services, and modern equipment for diagnostic examinations. And, most health care services provided at the Medical Center are without charge.

With the present status of health care insurance, this benefit is extremely valuable and important to me! (When pricing civilian health insurance plans, I would easily experience a savings of $400 to $600 per month!). Again, the “magic” year for entitlement to the foregoing benefits is to have a marriage/service overlap of twenty years with the former military member having twenty years or more total military service. In cases where the service member served twenty (20) years of creditable service and the marriage lasted twenty (20) years, but the period of the marriage overlapped the period of service by only fifteen (15) years, the former spouse is entitled to full military medical benefits ONLY for a transitional period of one year following the divorce. After this year of coverage, the former spouse may purchase a Department of Defense negotiated conversion health policy, but there would be premiums for the former spouse to pay. Full coverage also requires that the former spouse does not remarry nor enroll in an employer-sponsored health insurance plan.

Former spouses who are neither 20/20/20 nor 20/20/15 former spouses are not entitled to military health benefits after a divorce. So, in the event a military marriage is deteriorating and if it appears that a divorce is going to be a reality, there are certain options to be explored. They are as follows:

1. If the marriage and service overlap is very close to the “magic” number of 20/20/20, I would consider actions to “slow down” the divorce process and even ask the Court to sanction a delayed divorce proceeding to allow the former spouse to benefit from the 20/20/20 rule as outlined above. This would be similar to asking the Court to delay proceedings to enable the Wife to have a ten (10) year marriage in order to provide for her to take advantage of certain Social Security benefits available to her for having a marriage of ten (10) years duration.

2. Consider having the divorce proceeding “dismissed” with a subsequent filing of a legal separation proceeding. This option would have to have the understanding and cooperation of the military member with the goal of providing continued military medical benefits to the former spouse who would be “legally separated” but still “married to” the military member or former military member.

Here are some helpful online resources for people wishing additional information:

EX-POSE is a national volunteer nonprofit organization having a paramount concern for military spouses experiencing separation and/or divorce. E-mail address is–ex-pose@juno.com Website is http://www.ex-pose.org

TRICARE Questions: http://www.tricare.mil

TRICARE HealthBeat Newsletter: http://www.tricare.mil/HealthBeat

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Stepmothers are often portrayed in a negative light. It is important to look at all sides, as a step mom often has to walk the tight rope. She has to carefully navigate the road so that she is an integral part of her new child or children’s lives, while still respecting the child’s need to honor and love their own mother. Grandmothers raising grandchildren as their own child has been an increasing occurrence in our society. Across the United States, more than 6 million children are being raised in households headed by grandparents and other relatives. In my opinion they should be nominated as saints! In addition to a child’s natural mother, a stepmother or a primary care giving grandmother can play a pivotal role in a child’s life.

Kate Fogerty has written extensively about the challenges of blending families. In a piece she wrote a number of years ago, Kate offered these valuable tips for new stepparents:

• Look for the positive things about each child.
• Support the discipline practices of the biological parent.
• Avoid assuming the role of a strict disciplinarian - rather, act as a guide or friend depending on the given situation.
• Be prepared for children to express conflicting loyalties.
• Listen to children with your full attention.
• Don’t use unkind words; instead use positive communication and affirmation.
• Don’t expect too much at once; do not expect instant love.
• Don’t get discouraged. Patience is the key!

I hope that all of you Mom’s and Step Mom’s and Grandmothers have a wonderful Mother’s Day! You deserve special recognition for all that you do! Raising children is the most important work as there is on the face of the earth!

To read more of Kate Fogerty’s suggestions, click here.

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When filing a Petition for Domestic Violence, it is important to be specific. The main reason for this is that the other party has due process rights under the Constitution, and he or she is entitled to adequate notice of the allegations. Most courts will provide a petition form that you would need to complete. When you fill out the form, it will ask you questions about the alleged incident(s). Be sure to list sufficient information to put the other party on notice of what incidents occurred that led to filing the Petition. In other words, you need to identify, in clear terms, when the incident(s) took place and what happened. It is not appropriate to go into extensive detail describing the incident(s) like a play-by-play commentary, but you need to provide sufficient information that the other party will be advised of what you are describing. When in doubt, include more detail. If there has been more than one incident, you need to mention it in the Petition. The prior incident(s) helps put in context the recent event which prompted the domestic violence petition.

Another issue of importance pertains to what evidence is “relevant” in a Domestic Violence Hearing. Magistrates frequently complain that petitioners tend to elaborate on facts totally unrelated to the incident(s) of violence and if the petitioner has a reasonable fear for his or her safety based on threats of force. Under Ohio law, a person must show a pattern of behavior, including recent incidents of domestic violence, in order to be successful and obtain a Protective Order. Ohio law defines Domestic Violence as: (a) attempting to cause or recklessly causing bodily injury; (b) placing another person by the threat of force in fear of imminent serious physical harm or have been found guilty of menacing by stalking or aggravated trespass; (c) committing any act with respect to a child that would result in the child being an abused child; or (d) committing a sexually-oriented offense. Based on Ohio Revised Code Section 3113.31, the evidence submitted should be related to incidents where violence or attempts of violence occurred, where there were threats of violence that would reasonably lead an individual to fear imminent physical injury, or incidents that led to a child in the home being abused. If you are the Respondent at the hearing, you should make sure to present evidence that refutes these elements. Remember that this is not an opportunity to vent or air grievances over past slights. It is not the time to discuss affairs, bad cooking, poor management of finances or other things that do not relate to the above-mentioned elements. Often petitioners only touch on acts of violence and move to other underlying irrelevant issues that may have been building up for some time. They then end up missing crucial testimony and lose their case.

Finally, people need to be aware of the ramifications of a finding of Domestic Violence. The Petitioner needs to be aware that the restraints contained in the Protective Order apply both ways. He or she cannot contact the Respondent, just as the Respondent cannot contact the Petitioner. The Respondent may be forced to move out of his or her house, lose contact with their children (or have minimal contact with their children), be at a significant disadvantage if a custody dispute occurs, be precluded from owning a firearm, and alter their daily lives. There is generally a “no contact order” that means the Respondent cannot be within a certain distance from the Petitioner. If, while out in public, they encounter each other, the Respondent must leave. The issuance of a Protective Order can alter a person’s ability to work. In short, while acts of domestic violence cannot be condoned, there are very serious consequences that will impact both parties which need to be thoroughly evaluated.

There are two other things that I should mention. The first is who exactly may be covered under a Protection Order. The Protection Order generally covers all household members. The definition of a household member is pretty inclusive. It covers all family members who are living with, or who have lived with, the Respondent. It also covers persons living as a spouse with the Respondent. Basically, this means a person who is married to the Respondent, or a person who is living with the Respondent in a domestic relationship. It covers the parent of any child where Respondent is the other natural or putative parent. Finally, it covers family members of the spouse or person living as a spouse that live with, or have lived with, the Respondent.

There are several ways to go about obtaining a Protection Order for acts of domestic violence. The first is in criminal court. This is through the local Prosecutor’s office. The disadvantage to this approach is that the Order expires at the end of the case. It may be possible to get a no contact order as part of any sentencing, but this is up to the court’s discretion. The second way is to obtain an Order through the Domestic Relations Division of your County’s Common Pleas Court. These orders, if issued, will last for up to five years. They are more inclusive, covering household members as discussed above. Additionally, the Respondent can be ordered to attend counseling. A Civil Protection Order may award temporary child support or spousal support, temporary child custody and parenting time, including supervised visitation, award the use and possession of an automobile or other personal property of the parties. If you are looking into obtaining a Protection Order as part of the criminal investigation, it would be wise to consider obtaining an additional Civil Protection Order through the Domestic Relations Court, too, so you are protected for the longest period of time possible.

It is best that you consult with an attorney before filing your petition or if you are named as the Respondent and have been served with the Petition and Ex Parte Order. An experienced family law attorney will be able to fully explain the proceeding and its nuances and walk you through the process from start to end. Otherwise, there is a chance you may not present the proper evidence to the Court which could have dire consequences. For more information, click here to be linked to the Ohio Domestic Violence Resource Center.

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