Old Beach Bungalow

christmas present

2011-12-13T06:21:00.000-05:00

this year christmastime feels different. i suppose some things are the same: my christmas china is set out on the dining room table, we have the same collection of ornaments on the tree, and i'm listening to all my same carefully edited pandora christmas stations. but instead of spending free moments searching out items for my wishlist, i'm spending that time brainstorming how to make christmas special for my little girl. i know she's only 6.5 months old and won't remember anything about her first christmas. but i also know christmas traditions have to start with deliberation and have to be carried out consistently. all that for the hope that one day she can look back on her childhood and have peaceful and warm memories of us doing special things together around the holidays.

my {awesome} sister in law is good at this. she is steadily and intentionally creating a childhood for each of her boys that is special, sweet and full of little moments i know they will always treasure. she told me about an idea to get 25 christmas books, wrap them up and put them under a special tree. the kids unwrap one each night starting on december 1st and they read it together as a family before bed. the same 25 books are used each year. well, because i shamelessly copy everything she does, i went out and got some christmas books so we can start this tradition too. we don't yet have 25, so we'll have to build up to that, and i didn't wrap them. but every night mr. heat's been reading them to me and maley as she nurses, before maley sets sail for slumberland.

sidenote: this 10-15 minutes is by far my favorite part of the day. the three of us are huddled into the corner of maley's room, it's dark with only the star lamp dimly shining, maley is all snugly in her pjs and mr. heat is sitting on the ottoman reading to us. i know it won't last forever, so i hope by writing it down here i can remember the wholeness i feel during those 10 minutes. anyway...

so far it's been fine that we don't have 25 books because, well, maley doesn't mind if we re-read some of them, and also because i want mr. heat to read this one every night:
it is a scratch and sniff book. you know, with little stickers on certain pages that smell like oranges, pine, peppermint, gingerbread, apple pie, and hot chocolate. i loved scratch and sniff stickers as a kid, so this feels a bit for me like going back. mr. heat reads and comes to the scratch and sniff sticker and i ask him not to go crazy with the scratching because i fear all the smell will run out. my drive to protect and preserve the scent is disturbing. i hope confessing it here will help me let go a little bit. i also hope this becomes one of maley's favorites year after year.

house sharing: maley's room

2011-12-11T14:44:00.001-05:00

today i am sharing maley's room. but before you read any further, please click here and read this.

maley's room might be my favorite room in the new house. i have a special fondness for it because she and i have logged some serious hours in there. when i was planning her room in the bungalow, i had no idea what having a newborn baby would be like. when i thought about her room, i hardly ever thought about the practicalities that come with a baby. sure, i knew i'd need a place for her to sleep, a place to change her diaper, and a place to sit and rock her, but foremost in my mind was the aethetics of the crib, the changing table, the rocking chair.

and then, as i mentioned HERE we sold the bungalow and moved in with my mom. we took our clothes, our bed and maley's crib to my mom's house and everything else went in storage. when maley was born we took her home from the hospital to my mom's house where we had her crib set up in a spare bedroom. it didn't really matter that she didn't have the full-on nursery set up because she slept in my arms (while i slept on the couch in mom's playroom) for the first week or so anyway. when maley was three weeks old, we moved into the new house and we pretty much just unpacked the things we purchased for the bungalow nursery. the layout of the two rooms was not at all similar, but the things we already had fit well and i pretty much loved her new room instantly. i think getting her room settled so quickly and easily made this house feel like home to me right from the start. i am really grateful for that.

one thing i realized during the three weeks at my mom's house was that the rocker i planned to use (a hand-me-down from my mom, the same one i'd been rocked in when i was little) wasn't working for me. it had wooden armrests which hurt my elbows as i was learning to hold maley and nurse. when i saw jess mcclenahan post about her rocker from walmart i ordered it right away. this is a weird random memory, but i remember mr. heat came home from work that day and i was still all hormonal and baby bluesy and i cried as i told him i had ordered that chair. he was all, okay whatever you need. it's crazy the things i could not say without crying in the weeks after maley was born. i also cried while telling maley's pediatrician that i was emotional. i choked "i'm really emotional" out between sobs. isn't it funny that i felt the strong need to verbalize that? like he couldn't already tell? anyway, all that to say that it is really something how much emotion gets wrapped up in explaining about maley's room. everything in that room was a fixture in my fragile little postpartum world, and it all brings back so many memories-- such a huge range of feelings. maybe other new mamas can relate?

so anyway, here it is. i'll try and describe things as we go.

the wall color is "watery" by sherwin williams, but in benjamin moore aurora line paint. i didn't choose it, it was already like this when we moved in. but i love it and don't intend to change it anytime soon.
the lockers are probably my favorite thing in the room. they came from a flea market in nashville, tennessee. we bought them while visiting my brother and his brood and since we flew there, we imposed on my brother's family by leaving these lockers in their garage for close to a year i think. it was one of those "bargain" purchases that ended up costing triple in the long run because we had to figure out how to transport it home. i don't regret it though. i love seeing maley's little tutus and stuffed animals in there. and i love having the closed storage for holding wipes purchased in bulk and other randomness.
see that purple crocheted blanket and the pink knitted one? the purple one was made for maley by my mom's cousin, and my mom made the pink one. we used the purple one for maley's birth announcement photos. i treasure all the gifts we received for maley, but the handmade ones like these will forever have a special place in my heart.

the star lamp on top of the lockers will probably have to be moved somewhere else when maley is more mobile because i already get panics thinking of her pulling on the electrical cord and that heavy, pointy star crashing down on her. but since that lamp is on a dimmer it has been great for sneaking in her room for nighttime feedings.

while we're on the subject of nighttime feedings.... this may sound crazy but maley sleeps through the night now and so those have become a thing of the past, and i miss it already. i remember people telling me that i should pump or otherwise bottle feed maley so that mr. heat could share some of the nighttime feeding burden and i could rest. but now that that phase of maley's babydom is over, i am glad i sort of horded that time all to myself. i loved sitting in a dark room, just me and my girl in our quiet house, snuggling and nursing. i didn't always love getting out of my cozy bed to do it, but i am so pleased i have those moments to look back on. i made the drapes. one day i decided the blinds were insufficient and i went to our local $7.99/yard fabric store and this fabric with the little waves which just so happened to match the wall color was there just waiting for me. i lined it with blackout material, and threw it all together with iron-on hem tape. no sewing.

here is the opposite side of the room. that is the changing table {an old buffet} i wrote about HERE.

to the right of the changing table is maley's closet. hanging on the door is a little "shift dress," as my mom calls it, that my mom made for me when i was little. it has a little bunny on it. maybe maley will be able to wear it this easter. the crib is from walmart.com too (just like the chair). i think the crib and mattress came in a special set together and were a really good deal. we've been happy with it so far... it's no frills and pretty simple, which is the way i like it.
i didn't know if i'd want a bumper or not, so initially i didn't get one. then i noticed maley was pushing herself to the crib rails during the night and i went out the next day and got one. this one is just a white dot matelasse and it's super soft. i got it at tomlinson's. now that she's rolling over and is all over the crib, i have taken it out again because it makes me nervous. the crib sheet is from garnet hill. i have a few of these and they are great; they wash well and are the perfect weight. i want this bedding for all the beds in my house.
the framed art is explained HERE.
the mobile is shown in THIS POST. maley has only recently noticed it, and when she did, she grabbed that bottom center moon and ripped it right off. that means she likes it.
i made this shadowbox about a month after maley was born. it took all of 5 minutes-- just a sheet of scrapbook paper in the back with the items pinned on with a straight pin. it contains the shirt maley came home from the hospital in, the little cap the nurses put on her minutes after birth, and all three of our identification bracelets. i remember looking at her wearing that identification bracelet, which only has my name and the time & date of her birth, and feeling like my chest could puff out and explode with pride that she was wearing MY name, that she belonged to ME!

originally i planned to put these items in her scrapbook, but i am enjoying having them in the shadowbox instead because i can see them every day.

that rocker was the first thing i bought for our baby. i was probably only about 12 weeks along when i bought it. see those little notre dame mittens? they were mr. heat's when he was a kid. i think they're pretty sweet.
see that canvas leaning on the toychest? that was a sweet gift from my talented friend erin. i think she might do a blog post explaining how she makes them soon. check out the one she made for her baby's beach cottage bedroom right HERE.
the toychest was my mom's when she was little. i love that it was hers and i love the look of whatever kind of wood that is. a total win-win.

okay i think that about does it! hit me up in the comments if i've missed something.

house sharing

2011-12-09T06:42:00.000-05:00

the blogs i love the most are home improvement DIY blogs. not really the blogs with professional photos of impeccably designed rooms. those are great and beautiful and all, but i am less drawn to them because it looks like no one actually lives there. the rooms look straight and careful and sooooo 'on trend' and like you wouldn't want to walk through the room for fear of trampling the rug or scuffing the hand scraped african rainforest hardwoods, or whathaveyou. i like the rooms where the homeowner cannot afford the custom handwoven rug and is not bothered by that fact. instead, they've happily thrown down a splashy ikea floorcovering or are ignoring the stained linoleum altogether and are training their eyes on the thrift shop distressed hutch standing proudly in the corner. meanwhile, there's a bucket of kids toys or a stack of gossip magazines taking a place of prominence in the room because, well, that is what the room is actually used for: living. and reading gossip magazines. which is part of living, right? anyway, i love seeing how people live and use their homes. how they create spaces that are cozy and friendly and most of all, how they create spaces where they want to live. where they will drink their morning coffee, kiss their kids good night, laugh with friends, you know... the good stuff. we're all interested in making these good moments better, which includes living these moments in places we love.

why am i telling you this? since i love seeing the real homes, i figure there's a good many of you who like the same thing. and since blogging is a two-way street, i want to share our home. so i guess i'm telling you this partly as a disclaimer, partly as a confession, and partly as a mercy plea.

the disclaimer: i feel fortunate beyond words that this is my home. god has blessed us not only with a safe peaceful country, but also a beautiful coastal town where we can raise our little family. this house is bigger than we need, and prettier than we deserve. that we get to put our own little spin on how it looks is a pure treat. if i say something that sounds crabby, or sounds like a complaint, please know that i am a brat. i am blessed far beyond anything i deserve. i do know that, but sometimes it might not convey.

the confession: i am not an interior designer. {did i even need to say that?} i am a girl who likes pretty things and really enjoys tinkering around with the aesthetic of my home. i like it to change and evolve and grow over time. i don't enjoy a room that looks like it was built in one day. i don't like to think of any room in my home ever being "done." actually, i like for them to be a little unfinished so when i give someone a house tour i can comment about it being 'a work in progress,' you know, to explain the mess. i like almost anything that can be described as refurbished, distressed, from a flea market, from the trash pile, reclaimed, and most of all, anything that looks like it was once in active use in a school or industrial setting. i also really like things that are free.

the mercy plea: there are loads of bigger, flashier, smarter, more beautiful, more ingenious, more expensive, or just all around better houses than mine. if i say something that makes me sound all high and mighty, righteous, or like i think i have just invented the internet, please ignore me.

cool. onward...

wynnbaby

2011-12-08T07:38:00.001-05:00

i am sure you've read erin's blog. you already know how awesome she is at being a mommy, wifey, and bringing us all kinds of daily inspiration.

i am lucky because i knew her in real life, before the blog. i met her in law school. it was our first year and i think we bonded over the daily fretting of being called on in class to recite a case, which would (for me) inevitably lead to some form of humiliation in front of a classroom of 95 fellow students. just writing that sentence made me start fretting and sweating again... great now i have a new zit. anyway, she was nice to me even though i had adult braces. gosh i am making myself sound like such a winner. but really, she was kind and sweet to me, even after she came over to my tiny dingy apartment and jackson bit her (on the bum i think?). she has a heart of gold, is sharp as a tack, and is more crafty than martha stewart.

and now she has totally outdone herself. she has created wynnbaby, a super sweet, heirloom quality line of handmade nursery and children's bedding (and furniture). as if that wasn't enough, she honored my little maleygirl by naming the most beautiful cribset for her. check it out HERE.

vintage quilt crib bumper!

skirt with pom poms!

it is so gorgeous i could scream.

and look at the little gent who inspired it all, wynn himself.

so fresh and so green green

2011-11-10T20:45:00.006-05:00

i am a girl that has to live by a budget. a very very strict budget. this is all fine and well except for that i often get a strong urge to shop, to root out deals and just generally see what's out there. and i have discovered that the shopping urge is somewhat calmed with a little online perusing, even when i don't buy a single thing. i sometimes allow myself the joy (?) of adding things in my online shopping cart, just to see what my total (with shipping!) would be and then i close the browser window entirely. then i can continue on with the knowledge that i have saved that amount by, well, not spending it! brilliant. sometimes i show the online shopping cart to mr. heat just so i can see him shake his head.

below are some recent finds, all in the green family. maybe if your budget allows, you will want to click on the picture for a link and go ahead and put it in your online shopping cart. or just shake your head. it's up to you.

tights

2011-11-08T06:02:00.000-05:00

rainbow colored hearts. they make your heart happy don't they?

about 2 weeks or so ago i told mr. heat that i thought it would be a while before maley would have the strength to sit up by herself. determined to prove me wrong, maley started sitting by herself 2 days later. just like that. so now i'm telling mr. heat i think it will be a while before maley agrees to take 2 real naps in her crib per day. i'm hoping she will be determined to prove me wrong on this too.

i sure do love her.

my new favorite photos, ever

2011-11-05T20:43:00.004-04:00

the other day i read karen russel's photography tips and thought to myself, self, you should really be using your 50mm f 1.4 D lens, as karen recommends. it has been sitting in a cabinet the whole time maley has been alive. this lens is hands down the best thing in my photographic equipment arsenal and i am flabbergasted that it has been sitting around all this time while i've been using the dinky 18-55mm. i cannot explain my actions. it's heartbreaking to think of all the great shots i missed because of this colossal misstep.

addicted

2011-10-24T23:28:00.001-04:00

it's true. i am suffering from an instagram addiction. it isn't really my fault. it's just that it is so fun. maley in the most adorable hat from dr. bailey balentine. hi bailey! we love it. the headband too. she wears the hat on her morning stroller rides with my mom. also, ultimatebodypress.com. frank will like that, right?

maleyblueeyes.

relaxing in the back yard while mama takes photos of another baby.

maley and mama 4eva.

washing hands after touching jackson. that reminds me i need to catch you up on penny's whereabouts. that is for another post.

more after work swinging.

hugs from daddy.

this just never gets old.

here's what happened

2011-10-18T20:53:00.001-04:00

so, you might remember that when i was 8 months pregnant with maley, we sold the bungalow. we had put the bungalow on the market to "see what would happen" and we were prepared and eager to see if it would sell. we had received and negotiated an early offer and ended up not coming to agreeable terms. we waited a few more months and as my tummy grew rounder and my girl's room started taking shape, i started having thoughts of raising our baby in the bungalow and decided i didn't really want to leave. we requested the paperwork to take the bungalow off the market, but the paperwork sat on the desk unsigned.

a week or so later we had a couple from florida storm into town, request to see the bungalow twice in two days and make an offer on the third day. it was a godsend. the offer was good, considering the market, and the offer was cash which meant we didn't have to cross our fingers for a favorable appraisal. we were happy but also nervous because, well, we were about to have a baby and be homeless all at the same time.

luckily, my mom graciously let us move in with her while we looked for a new house. we spent loads of time looking at the MLS to find foreclosures and short sales and looking for deals in general. we found a foreclosure on a nice street on the side of town we wanted to be on and scheduled a viewing. it was gross. water damage and mold; not the sort of place you can envision bringing home a newborn. we were on our way out of the neighborhood when our realtor spotted another home for sale. we liked the look of it from the curb and our realtor called to see if we could see it later that day. 30 minutes later we were walking through the front door. it was clean and felt homey. the floorplan was extremely similar to the house where i spent my childhood. the built-in bookcases flanking the fireplace reminded mr. heat of his childhood home. then we noticed some of the owner's photographs, and i recognized this family. they had three daughters near my age and had attended my church. it felt like it was somehow meant to be. three months later it was ours.

it isn't perfect in terms of style. in fact, where the bungalow boasted a new jenn-aire appliance package, our new house had a 1989 "potscrubber" dishwasher. where the bungalow had awesome antique oil rubbed bronze doorknobs, our new house has brass from 1989. where the bungalow had dark stained original hardwood floors, this house has 10 year old carpet. where the bungalow had distressed wainscotting on the ceiling, this house has acoustic popcorn.

but this house feels like home. i think most of that feeling has to do with having moved in when maley was only three weeks old. i feel like we have become a family in this home, like it's the home we bought for our girl. one year ago i would have scoffed at carpet and popcorn, but now that sort of thing is easily overlooked when i think of my girl growing up here, having this home as her safe little haven, the backdrop for many many memories.

but that doesn't mean i don't have grand plans to make this new home more "me" or i guess more "us." and i plan to do it all slowly, thoughtfully, kid-friendly, and of course as affordably as possible. so i have two questions (1) should i change the name of this blog? and (2) what should i call the new house?

third question: does anyone even read this blog anymore? mom?

a big beautiful weekend

2011-10-17T20:13:00.000-04:00

it was a big weekend around here.

mr. heat's parents came down from indiana to stay for the weekend.

my sweet little sister came to town too.

we went to the pumpkin patch.

not a real farm, really just a church fundraiser, but it did the job of providing photo ops so i was happy.

no idea what these three are looking at in this photo, but they look non plussed. even maley.

on sunday, at the church where mr. heat and i were married over 6 years ago, we promised in front of God, our families and our congregation to raise maley in a way that will lead her to accept Jesus Christ as her savior. we promised to live before her a life that will become the gospel. i cannot type that without crying. i want this so badly for her. i want her to know the God that created her, the God that created love, the God that has allowed me the privilege of being her mother. i want her life to carry the peace of putting her whole faith in Him.

it was a special day for our little family. maley was the first grandchild to wear this beautiful christening gown that mr. heat's mother made by hand. pictures cannot do it justice. saying that it is a special gown doesn't properly convey the hope and joy i feel when i look at that gown.

for the record, in case i'm wondering later, those are mosquito bites on my girl's cheek and forehead. the mosquitoes are relentless right now which is such a shame because the weather is fantastic and all we want to do is be outside. you can't have it all, right?

2011-09-29T21:06:00.003-04:00

after work if mr. heat gets home early enough, we swing our girl from the cherry blossom tree in our back yard. it is the best part of my day. i think our girl likes it too.

maley works out

2011-09-12T21:19:00.003-04:00

first we got her geared up with some ipad action then she does some stretching

and bend...

and straighten

and lift

and SMILE!

a twofer

2011-09-07T15:50:00.003-04:00

mr. heat came home last night very excited about a gift he purchased for maley. he even had it gift wrapped and bragged that gift wrapping was FREE!! the gift was a lovely set of wooden blocks, just like the vintage ones i spotted while pregnant at a thrift shop. this is a new kind of gift: the gift for maley that also wins points with me. i call that a twofer, don't you?

ps- i did not help maley stack that tower of blocks.

this girl

2011-09-06T19:47:00.003-04:00

maley got her 4 month shots today and was a little champion. she weighs in at 11 pounds 10 ounces and is 24 inches long now. she is growing and i am so thankful for a healthy baby. she is {mostly} sleeping 11 hours at night which makes her halfhearted naps during the day perfectly acceptable in my book. i wish i could bottle the scent of her breath because it is delicious. is that weird?

i cannot imagine it is possible to love any person any more than i love her.

laundry

2011-09-03T14:59:00.002-04:00

i cannot go one day without doing a load. as soon as i get it all washed, folded and put away, the dirties have accumulated again and it's time to start over. but seeing little pink pantaloons and ruffly onesies on top of the pile never fails to make me smile.

casual friday

2011-09-02T16:32:00.003-04:00

since friday around here means casual dress, maley opted to don a polo in lieu of her normal lady pantsuit. to add a little parisian flair, she pops the collar and leaves the top button open.

right now

2011-09-01T14:29:00.005-04:00

maley is napping. it is a miracle. it took me over an hour to achieve this miracle and i am holding my breath as i type because she could wake up screaming at any moment. it's a weird thing, the naps. i am desperate to get her down for a nap but the minute i am alone without her all i want to do is look at pictures of her pretty face or videos of her making her sweet grunting noises. so far during this nap i have pounded thin some chicken breasts that i bought ON SPECIAL!! and made a little marinade out of garlic, honey and balsamic dressing i had in the fridge. i feel very domestic.

last night we watched 127 hours. you know that part in the movie where he sort of realizes he's really really stuck and he starts having the flashback/hallucinations? and then he says to himself aloud "don't lose it." i feel like i've been chanting the same thing to myself these past few days. these are the last few days of my maternity leave and the thought of not being with maley and devoting 100% of my thoughts and efforts on her is about to break my heart. in the middle of nursing her i tell myself to stop watching tv and just stare at her and soak it in because the luxury of being able to do this in the middle of any given weekday is about to end.

it really has felt so luxurious to be able to be with her these past 15 weeks. i am so lucky to have had all this time. i have loved every second of it, even when she's doing her cry-whine, even when she's blown out the 3rd diaper of the day, and even when i don't get out of the house or shower all day. all it takes is her little gummy smile to make my heart gallop out of my chest.

sometimes i feel like i am on the verge of losing it-- sometimes i'm on the verge of tears just thinking about not spending every waking second with her. i wonder how i will juggle the demands of my job with tending to her and making sure all is right in her world. i wonder if she will miss me, or if she will adapt to her new 8am-5pm caretaker {my awesome mom}. will she start to prefer my mom over me? will i be able to do a good work and also be a good mom?

don't cry. don't lose it. maley's awake now. off to squeeze her sweet cheeks.

life lately, via instagram

2011-08-20T15:07:00.003-04:00

how YOU doin?

2011-08-05T14:05:00.001-04:00

maley likes what she sees when she looks in the mirror!

overnight success

2011-08-02T07:40:00.007-04:00

here is maley doing some tummy time on sunday...

and here is maley doing tummy time and rolling over on monday!

what a difference a day makes!

{for the record, she is 11 weeks and 4 days old here}

my little redhead

2011-07-25T21:41:00.002-04:00

my girl's hair is red and plentiful. i cannot take her anywhere without someone stopping me and saying "oh my gosh look at all that red hair." she could easily pass as conan o'brien's daughter. but she's mine!

something new

2011-07-21T07:13:00.000-04:00

The moment a child is born, the mother is also born.
The woman existed, but the mother, never.
The mother is something absolutely new.

-- Rajneesh

i am horribly late in posting this. i've been enjoying every sweet moment with our new baby girl and have shoved blogging to the back burner, and then i turned the burner off {not that i have ever been very consistent in posting}.

but I want this little blog to be something our family can look at to be reminded of how God has showered so many blessings upon us, so I'm posting maley's birth story anyway, even though it's now over two months late. i'm going to throw some of her first pictures in along the way. and then after this i'm going to try and pick up in the present, and i'm going to try and post regularly with snippets here and there of my precious days with her. and so off we go....

on may 12 our lives changed forever. we welcomed maley into the world at 6:56 pm after a grand total of 48 hours of medically pleading with her to be born. she showed up with a head full of red hair, weighing 7 pounds, 11 ounces, 19.5 inches tall, and she was well worth the wait.

we kept a journal of the significant events during the days and hours leading up to maley's birth. i am so glad we did because without the journaling i would have long forgotten some of the details. i am going to switch to present tense below so as to tell the story as the journal does...

May 10: at 41 weeks pregnant, i am scheduled to have labor induced with cervadil and petocin for what the nurses call "post days." basically that means maley is refusing to come out and the medical benefits of nudging her along outweigh the risks. i call the hospital at 5pm and ask what time they want me to show up, they say to come to come in around 7pm. mr. heat and i are already packed for the hospital so we decide to have "the last supper" at tower 7, a local mexican place we love. we are seated next to a raucous group of college girls who see this big pregnant lady {me} walk in and decide it is time to loudly discuss the gruesomeness of the childbirth process and the various brats they've babysat for as they order yet another round of margaritas. i shovel in a few black bean tacos, more than two baskets of chips, and several tubs of salsa because nothing calms my nerves quite like mexican food.

we say prayers while driving to the hospital. we get checked in and at 8:10pm i write in the journal that i have a private room and we are waiting for dr. joseph to come in and administer cervadil. i am hooked up to monitors that show us maley's heart rate and we are glued to the screen, watching her heart rate rise when she kicks around. the nurses are super sweet and decide to wheel in an extra bed which mr. heat promptly wheels next to mine so we can sleep side by side, rather than him sleeping on the fold out couch by the window.

the next morning, may 11th at 9:20 am, a nurse named jennifer checks me and says i have still not dilated. no progress at all. petocin is administered at 10:15am.

at 5:30pm i have read every page of all 10 design/interiors magazines i brought to the hospital. i have a bit of cramping but nothing else to report after a full day of the nurse increasing my petocin levels. nurse jennifer says there is no progress so dr. hill {new dr. making rounds} will discuss what drug to try next. nurse jennifer mentions cytotec and mr. heat and i get all freaked out and discuss if we should refuse because we saw a documentary about how using cytotec to induce labor is an off-label use not approved by the FDA {we like to worry about things we see on TV}. when dr. hill comes in to talk to me at 6:30pm we ask lots of questions about cytotec and i call my brother {who is a dr.} to ask him for advice. petocin is stopped and i shower and eat a salad mr. heat brought me from chic-fil-a. maley's heartrate still looks good {she is a little champion} and my blood pressure is fine.

mr. heat's parents have driven in from indiana and arrive around 5pm. we visit with them for a bit before they leave to go have dinner.

at 11:20pm the nurse checks me again and i am 1-2 cm dilated and 60% effaced. dr. hill decides against cytotec and instead opts to put me back on petocin, because apparently it is working, although it is slow going. mr. heat and i are happy that we don't have to make a decision on cytotec after all. my blood pressure and maley's heart rate still look good.

at 1:25am on may 12th i wake up and feel weird, like i have wet the bed maybe? i buzz the nurse and she says my water has broken. mr. heat writes in the journal that it "looks like maley will be coming today!"

i have contractions all through the night, and they really start to ramp up around 5-6am. they hurt like the dickens and all thoughts of possibly going without an epidural vanish, laughable really. i am a wimp. by 8am contractions are coming every couple minutes or so, and i cannot talk through them. i have to stop and grip something, sort of exhale hard and groan. somehow the groaning makes it easier to cope. {important side note: i remember my breath being so so so bad from all the mouth breathing through contractions. when you can smell your own bad breath, especially when it's registering as something bothersome for you when you are in the pain of labor, you know it's miserable for other people. poor mr. heat, trying to comfort me through contractions while i'm blowing foul breath in his face.} the nurse checks me again and i have progressed to 3 cm. seven more to go. ugh.

nurse tifni comes on duty at 7am, and i had put in a special request for her to be my nurse. she was our instructor for our childbirth education classes and we had grown to love her. i am so happy when she walks in the door and hear her go "hey girl" all southern and casual, like we were old friends. it totally puts me at ease.

9:30am: tifni puts in my request for an epidural. dr. lebanski, who lives in the neighborhood i grew up in, is the anesthesiologist administering my epidural. {mr. heat had previously voiced concerns about the possibility of me being paralyzed getting an epidural (i told you we are worriers) but when we learned dr. lebanski would administer the epidural, i think we both relaxed a bit.} i am shaking uncontrollably and leaning forward on mr. heat for physical support. before i know it the epidural is in. complete pain relief in mere minutes. i complain to my mom about my breath and she shows up a few minutes later with breath mints. awesome!

at 10am my mom writes in the journal that i am 5 cm and fully effaced! "We are ready for Maley. We are so excited."

around 1:15pm, dr. cunill {new dr. making rounds} discovers my water was not completely broken {don't ask me, i have no idea} so she breaks the remaining water. nurse tifni also ups my epidural after i mention that i am feeling some dull aches. right after this, i feel really hot in the face and think i might pass out. i tell tifni and she looks at the monitor and sees that maley's heart rate has disappeared. she adjusts the receptor on my belly and nothing happens. she looks me dead in the eyes and says "a bunch of people are going to run in the room now. do not freak out." she has apparently pressed the panic button on the wall which calls for all nurses and doctors to get to the room immediately. there must be 10 people in the room in a matter of seconds. they flip me over on all fours and do God knows what... poke, prod, push on me. i am terrified in my head but cannot say a word. i just look over at mr. heat and cry and think oh God please be with this baby. mr. heat does not move. he sits frozen on the couch by the window. my mom stands near him with her arms crossed and doesn't say anything. {she later told me a nurse came to her and told her not to worry, that they could take the baby by c-section if they needed to.} after what seems like an hour but was more like 3-4 minutes, they find maley's heart rate again. i ask probably 5 times where the heart rate went, what happened, is the baby ok, oh my gosh are you sure she's ok? tifni and dr. cunill assure me everything is fine. the baby is okay. i cry a lot and thank God for keeping maley safe.

at around 2:15pm tifni checks me and i am around 8 cm dilated. i feel a lot of pressure, but cannot feel the contractions. the pressure starts to hurt though, and i am having the urge to push. tifni positions me in ways intended to help me dilate to 10 cm. this lasts until around 4:15pm, and then tifni decides i could try to push. i push until 4:45pm and tifni transforms the bed/chair to help maley come down some more and give me a little break from pushing. {this is the last entry in the journal, so i'll try and fill in the rest from memory.}

probably around 5pm tifni has me start pushing again. tifni's shift ends around 6:30pm and she wants to help me have this baby before she leaves {i really want this too, obviously!}. pushing is nothing like you see on TV where a girl sort of bears down once or twice and out comes the baby. tifni had me in crazy positions, doing 'tug of war' pushing with a towel, on my side, legs all over the place, pushing in sets of three for 10 counts each, in time with contractions. it is so exhausting i cannot believe it. i beg for help and say i cannot do it anymore, to which mr. heat and my mom reply "yes you can! you are almost there!" in fact, i am not almost there until nearly 2 hours later, when tifni's shift has ended and nurse heather has taken her place. i ask nurse heather how much longer and she will only say "you're doing great! keep going!"

i cannot remember much about the last pushes or the actual feeling of giving birth to my girl. i remember she looked so big at first, and i couldn't believe she had come from my body.

she is placed in the warmer a few feet from my bed as NICU suctions her and listens to her lungs. {since meconium was found in the amniotic fluid, this was done as a standard precaution.} after NICU gives the ok, mr. heat is offered a chance to trim the cord, which he does {without fainting!}.
i ask mr. heat several times to go look at the baby and make sure she has all her fingers and looked ok. he reports each time that she "looks great!" but i continue to ask him several times more because i want to hear him say that over and over again. i cannot get a good look at her for maybe another 10-15 minutes after she was born because my doctors were busy taking care of whatever was going on with me. when the nurse finally places her on my chest all i can do is say "i can't believe this is my baby!" 50 times.

deadlines

2011-05-03T11:28:00.003-04:00

today is my due date. for the last 10 months i have been citing this date as the day my baby would be born. i've counted down to this date in months, then weeks, then days, and last night, hours. as if the skies would open up at the stroke of midnight on may 3rd and deliver me a baby named maley.

this baby named maley seems to have very little regard for deadlines. she operates on her own schedule. i knew this, i suppose, because she does yoga when i'm trying to sleep and shifts her weight to my bladder when i'm on teleconferences and can't get to the bathroom.

right now she's in my belly taking naps, enjoying frequent ice cream sandwiches, solving some of the world's bigger problems. i know one day, maybe on her first day of school or on her wedding day, i'll long to remember this feeling of having our little baby completely with me everywhere i go. so i'll try to enjoy every last swollen, uncomfortable, can-barely-walk moment and i'll try my hardest not to rush her. and i'll try to resolve myself that everything happens in god's perfect timing.

a new era

2011-04-17T18:00:00.003-04:00

so, i've left you hanging for over 2 months with the picture of that little pink birdie in my last post. some stuff has happened in those 2 months. but i couldn't mention it on this little blog because i was too afraid to jinx it.

what stuff am i talking about? well, WE SOLD THE BUNGALOW.

8 months pregnant, with my girl's room nearly complete, we accepted an offer and have tried not to look back. not looking back is something i am not good at.

we lived in the bungalow for almost exactly 4 years.

we celebrated 4 wedding anniversaries and 8 birthdays in that little house.

we took self-timered photos of us standing in the backyard holding a bottle of moet & chandon every june 25th for our anniversary.

we spent almost every evening last summer on the front porch swing drinking beers and praying my dad would be healed. we set up a box fan out there and i can still feel the breeze from that fan drying many tears.

we slept with the upstairs balcony doors open every spring and fall.

we put on bath robes and sat on barstools at the kitchen island and ate breakfast while we watched the morning news every weekend.

our little doggies barked in the backyard every single day.

i showed mr. heat a positive pregnancy test in the bathroom of this bungalow on august 27, 2010. we hugged. and i said i was scared. mr. heat lied and said he wasn't.

but we're moving on now. we've closed the deal, we've moved out, and we've bought a new house. it's nothing like the bungalow. it's brick and colonial and all around just different. we love it and we're excited about all the new memories to be made there. but i still miss the bungalow.

little pink birdie

2011-02-03T21:19:00.001-05:00

i think my girl needs THIS