Old Bitter Balls

Halloween Came And So Did Old Knudsen

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Sun, 08 Nov 2009 09:16:00 +0000

It may be a tad late but Old Knudsen does not give a frug. Here are some pics taken by Old Knudsen himself on Halloween. I like to help out at community centres as they do not know of my past convictions, yes Old Knudsen is a man of conviction.

A scary doll thing for sure but not as scary as the gurl wearing undersized clothes. What is it with the wog type Yanks they either wear over baggy clothes and think they look cool showing off their underwear as their trousers fall doon or they wear tight tops showing their rolls of fat?

Speaking of fat this convict would get more than sweet tasting candy in prison.

If you ever had a wank over Barbara Eden in I dream of genie this should put a stop to that. Sorry I couldn't get close enough for you to see her stretch marks.

The jester was ficking creepy and that is a real baby he is holding no wonder 98% of Americans are in therapy. The Star Wars kid beside him is actually black wearing a white Anakin Skywalker mask, Michael Jackson wasn't the only coloured to aspire to be white, a sad statement on society.

Of course there were babes, you should have seen this MILF from the front, yep almost as good as the back. I think she came as a NASCAR hoor and her man as Bruce Springsteen?

I hope little Brittany got plenty of candy, has she never heard of vomiting after eating? What the funt is she? ...................... besides a fat wee shite.

Old Knudsen later went on the prowl to pick off some stragglers. The pair of lasses here noticed me taking pictures, sorry its blurred as I was using one hand to take the pics. They put on a show for Old Knudsen by making out, those shots are well blurry so sorry.

OC And D

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Sat, 07 Nov 2009 08:31:00 +0000

Here is a real leaflet we got through the door. Old Knudsen looked at the various stains he has left since moving in and so hired this company to clean the hoose.

Three people came in, one cleaned the mirrored coffee table one cleaned the bathtub and the other keep checking to see if the doors were locked and the cooker (stove) was turned off. There was a lot of hand washing breaks and they are still funking here. The lad at the coffee table started crying about an hour ago.

There was talk about counting the silver ware.

The only reason Old Knudsen didn't hire Tourettes Hoosekeeping was the abuse he got over the phone.

The Pope Is A Dog

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 08:17:00 +0000

Old Knudsen has sent three emails to the Pope telling him to step doon upon the orders of Gog and you know what the evil looking fint has done? He went on an altar boy buggering sabbatical leaving Eli the chihuahua in charge in order to mock Old Knudsen.

A rat dog? whats next a lemur? Gog is a God of love but may very well smite Benny Dick doon and all that would be left would be his Gucci loafers.

Why a dog? you may ask well what is dog spelled backwards? just like Pope spelled backwards is Epop which cums from the ancient Sumerian Daemon Mailer Epopal which did indeed return one of my mails 8 days after it was sent.

Well Mr Pope it is on! You are going doon and not on any young boys this time as is yer Catholic way.

Military Psychiatrist Goes Nuts

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Fri, 06 Nov 2009 06:23:00 +0000

Major Nidal Malik Hasan a 39 year-old military psychiatrist didn't like the fact that he was to be sent to Iraq and had even hired a lawyer to try to get out of it .

The US-born Muslim decided his only option was to walk through Fort Hood military base in Texas with 2 guns killing 12 of his fellow soldiers and wounding 31.

He was wounded and captured. You see you only carry weapons on a military base if yer on yer way to the shooting range so he had easy targets.

You are an American who rose to the rank of Major in the army, so what if you are a Muslim? Yer a facking soldier well now hes a traitor and yet again has given Muslims a bad name, who can you trust are they really on our side?

The military are not big thinkers and yes he no doubt got racial harassment but who doesn't?

You join the British army from Northern Ireland and get looked doon on by the English and called 'Paddy' even if yer a Prod and you never seem to get paired up with the Scots who are looked doon upon as sheep shaggers but are closer to Ulster folk than the English.

Old Knudsen is disgusted at soldiers who don't do their job its not like they were going to give a psychiatrist a rifle and make him go building to building flushing out insurgents. He didn't have to kill his own obviously he didn't see the other troops as his own.

Hang the fudge rocket high!

This emergency post wants to point out that all psychiatrists seem to be funting nuts from this reporter's experience.

Destroy The BNP

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Thu, 05 Nov 2009 11:30:00 +0000

Can you tell Old Knudsen who the most hated man in the world is? Its not Old Knudsen as everyone loves him especially yer Ma.

Old Knudsen does know who the most hated man in Britain is and its not Simon Cowell.

Nick Griffin an English toff who has had a long history with the neo-Nazi fascist group The National Front or NF. Jigga jigga jigga pull that trigga kill that nigga join the National front!

He split from them starting up splinter groups and then finally became Chairman for The British Nationalist Party or BNP.

The BNP has had funding from many well off people and has risen in popularity in Britain probably due to the thousands of Slav immigrants and asylum seekers in the UK. Much like the backlash the Mexicans have suffered in the USA.

Old Knudsen understands the need for poor people to want their families to have a better life, if yer family had no food or home but you could get it in another country what would you do?

Griffin is a holocaust denier though he changes his point of views to suit, he also hates Muslims and doesn't see anyone who isn't white as British even though they were born and lived there. He wants to close the borders and tag everyone in the UK to see who is there.

The US and the UK do this to a point with social security and national insurance numbers but what does he want to do put them into cages and staple a label onto their ears and ship out the unwanted ones?

Griffin's dad was a Conservative politician who was involved in the NF, he flew a bomber in World War II and Nick thinks that this can in no way make him a fascist because his dad served.

Old Knudsen is ashamed that the BNP has gotten anywhere in the UK but with Hitler and with Obama the desperate people look for change and hope, whether they get it is another matter.

The BNP have used military veterans to further their cause and have suggested that if Churchill was alive he'd have joined the BNP. Disgusting and stupid, so many died fighting against fascists with the same ideals as the BNP and Churchill would have seen them for what they were as he did Germany and Russia long before they became total funts.

Nick Griffin is a one eyed rabble rousing front man for haters and if you have time please denounce him and his party on yer blogs, Facebook or Twitter because like ants when one or two turn up soon you have an invasion.

Old Knudsen Gets Racist

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Wed, 04 Nov 2009 08:49:00 +0000

Old Knudsen just wants his reader to think for a second or two about what exactly is racist and what is accepted. A blue eyed blonde Jesus for starters.

Scottish and English people playing Spartans, nothing too radical yet right?

Ziyi Zhang who is Chinese playing a Jap in Memoirs of a Geisha.

A woman in green face.

A penguin squirting out jizz after getting raped by a scientist.

Two happy wee children with friendly old Adolf Hitler, did yer knee jerk reaction to Hitler kick in on this one?

Eddie Murphy made up as a Jewish man.

Brown pride, whats the big deal I've seen kids go to school in Brown pride t-shirts?

Black pride, well I guess they can have black pride because of slavery right?

White pride, well that just sounds racist to me.

Jeff Chandler in red face.

Two black dudes made up to look like hot white weemen.

A white man in black face. What about that knee jerk?

A black man in white face.

Yet another white man in black face .

Racism like most other things has a double standard and while some things are acceptable and over looked other things have you dragged over the coals. A white person can't say nigger without people flinching but a black person can say cracker.

A black man can wear white face but a white man can't wear black face why? unless of course its done as comedy and then its edgy.

Old Knudsen is not necessarily proud to be white or a man but he is proud of the type of person he has becum. Its true I don't like many many people of all races but that is just because they are funts.
Old Knudsen has been discriminated against by black and brown people in roles of minor authority here in America and it wasn't pleasant as I would treat them like any other wog funt no matter what colour they were.

Old Knudsen had no slaves nor did he invade China raping and killing as he went so I will not be ashamed of my colour or held accountable for the actions of others, the race card doesn't get played here yer a funt until proven otherwise.

Kniock Knock, Whose There? Well Its Not The Mother Of Jesus

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Mon, 02 Nov 2009 09:23:00 +0000

Knock in western Ireland has been inundated with faithful mongs hoping to see an image of the Virgin Mary. That would be the Jewish mother of Jesus and the Catholic graven image the taigs so wrongly worship.
Old Knudsen is just telling you in case you get it confused with Venus or Aphrodite whom Mary was based upon hence the name Mary 'Mer' the sea the blue robes and shell motifs as Venus was born from the ocean just off the coast of Ballyhalbert in Northern Ireland .

Joe Coleman who said that he saw and spoke with Mary is a clairvoyant and spiritual healer, he is not expecting any monetary reward or anything as you'll find out if you book a healing session at his clinic in Ballyfermot which has now gotten a ton of publicity.

Coleman says you have to stare at the sun in order to be blessed with a vision and if you don't see one then yer heart isn't open, his clinic can help you to open yer heart. Santa used a similar excuse about the third world, "Oh they didn't say 'excuse you' after someone sneezed and they don't eat up all their dinners so no presents for them."

Well there is no fool like a holy fool, you have to fall for it in order to believe. Yes you are all horrible sinners but if you fill up my church once a week and do as I say you'll get a nice big fat reward when you die .................. a lot of funting good that will do then. I want a woman with blowjob lips who'll stick her finger up me hole while I'm alive.

Coleman on the left with some other twat looking for the sun.

When about 10,000 morons who lack faith and had to see proof turned up to stare at the sun they saw a miracle, the sun! yep its not often the sun shines but it broke through the clouds as if Gog himself was guiding it and more than that it was glowing!

No one else saw the pretty white 35 year-old looking woman in robes that Coleman saw but he did say she appeared and spoke, she said "Buy the box set DVD collection of Battlestar Galactica because its frakking cool."

Go to Knock but be warned the B&B's are full up and Mary McDonnell will only be doing matinee shows.

Old Knudsen went outside and stared at the sun like ya do, he was surrounded by an intense light and heat and his face got a holy reddish glow that hurt when touched. Don't believe me or 10,000 other people dumb enough to stare into the sun go and do it now! for the best results use binoculars and after an hour punch yerself for being a mong.

I Pass Judgment And Wind

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 05:50:00 +0000

Old Knudsen is always looking out for new weemen to share his life for 5 or 10 minutes, don't get Old Knudsen wrong he is not a cheater but if yer jar of raw liver goes off then you'd get some new fresher liver right? If the body in the garage is starting to swell up and about to explode you get rid of it and go out on the prowl.

You all know that Old Knudsen is right. So I checked out ePathetic.com as I am too busy and well known on the local club scene at the discos round here.

I don't like to restrict myself to gender even though I'm no poof oh know not Old Knudsen, you ask his gurlyboyfriend if Old Knudsen is a real man. I wanted to see the competition, yeah that was it.

Here is a real applicant as I cannae make this shite up:

Looking for someone to share life, experiences, and love with. I kinda live life on the edge a little bit but not too extreme. I'm very into art and anything creative. I guess i'm looking for someone not afraid to live or try new things.

You'd think white supremacist biker that sells drugs and robs old ladies when you see this guy but as scary as he may look Old Knudsen was speaking to a woman the other day with tattoos all over her chest and neck

The woman was well spoken, polite and well educated. A shock and a change from Old Knudsen's usual American encounters.

Donn send me an email full of people who had difficulty in finding work and wanted to know if I needed any runners for the rich people I know who like to hunt the ultimate prey .......... man!

We judge too much on looks and it is a natural thing to do. Everyone perceives Old Knudsen as a charming, debonair playboy only interested in putting his willy into weemen like this.

Ok you may be correct about that but she is a cracker.

When you see a Neo-Nazi in a bomber jacket, skinny jeans and DM boots sporting a skin head hair cut and neck tattoos praising Hitler do not assume he is an uneducated lout about to kick yer shit in and carve you up with a Stanley knife.

The young thug in question may have completed further education and loves his mum and puppies. Think about that as he stomps on yer face breaking yer cheek bones and eye sockets and feel ashamed for having judged for who are you to judge? unless you are indeed a judge then its ok.

Something Horny This Way Cums

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Fri, 30 Oct 2009 08:59:00 +0000

Remember last year Old Knudsen was trick and treating as Captain Kirk? I had me phaser set on rape and I was looking fine, yes I did go where no man except yer Da and half the toon had gone before, yep yer Ma.

Well its all societies fault, I discovered Gravy 4 and went on shore leave. See what poor education and inner city living will do to a man? The ton of food , excess drinking and no exercise didn't help either.

If you see me round the hooses I like Snickers and whoppers no cheese and my plastic pumpkin is huge so fill me up Scotty.

Happy Halloween or Sam Hane as we Celts call it.

Bad Movies At Black Rock

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Tue, 27 Oct 2009 08:31:00 +0000

Happy family my arse, he killed 8 hookers.

Old Knudsen may remind you that he is living with his gurlyboyfriend's parents for now and boy are they crazy. You could forgive the genocide and the pickled hobo heads but the crap they watch on the telly is um crap.

Woohoo's father Burt is in charge of the telly and flicks channels at any time. Old Knudsen no longer watches the TV because not only does he not want to watch that shite but their leather couch is as comfortable as an instrument of torture. They have BBC America but will they watch it? oh no.

It seems their TV is set up only to watch dull American sports, anything to do with prophesied end of times shows on the History channel, Bones, Hoose, NCIS, CSI, Law and order, Law and order SVU, CSI Miami, CSI yer ma and the classic Charlie Sheen sit com Two and a half men. A few other idiot shows appear but always get turned over half way through.

Old Knudsen has walked into the living room at 8am to see Burt watching Bones and then to walk in at 8pm and see Bones is still on what the fuck?

I go in and eat then leave. I heard the music and dialogue of one show and was positive it was Ally McBeal only to see it was Greys anatomy. On the Law and order ones you get the duh duh! bleeps every 5 minutes which isn't annoying oh no.

Old Knudsen is sensitive to formula shows and movies. One trick that is used is the two police officers are walking up to a house, suddenly two kids come running out playfully chasing each other followed by a parent shouting at them to be careful or something.

It saves on the boring standing at the door waiting for an answer and shows its a normal family and they have to solve the case in an hour including breaks. I am amazed how fast they get their lab results back.
Oh the Jane Doe had his name and address under her finger nails we hope he doesn't go after the sexy female lead cop only to be shot at the last moment.

Burt sometimes says something like , "I really liked that movie The kingdom of Heaven" Old Knudsen knowing it to be shite like most Orlando Bloom films just nods in silence. If Burt likes a film it has to be bad.

If I Ruled The Souls

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 09:14:00 +0000

What up niggas? Tank fly boss walk jam nitty gritty ya listening to the boy from Killamory this is pope rock!

When Old Knudsen is made Pope the first thing he'll do is fire people and get rid of a lot of Feniany stuff. I just know that poof on the right is eying up the altar boys.

Priests can marry weemen or men, not boys to prove they are into adults and if they don't want to get married then they get neutered.

No weemen clergy as Old Knudsen thinks they are best behind the scenes making tea and the like, if it wasn't for tea we'd all be speaking German.

Since you can't tell weemen anything they will no doubt becum clergy and can kill off unborn babies if they feel like it, Old Knudsen just doesn't want to hear the nagging.

Up the bum, double dipping, splurge the hole fantastic with or without a condom who cares as long as its consensual between adults? No I repeat no cap drilling without having cleaned and inspected all 3 sets of equipment involved and an easy to remember safety word.

No Hell, Heaven or Purgatory just the great cosmic soup so sin is old hat just behave yerselves. If you don't behave yerselves you are doomed to repeating the same miserable existence time and time again.

Gog may or may not have a plan but either way you'll get proper funted at sometime so find a way to learn from it and grow as a person or you'll be stuck in the this life and the next life as a sad sack.

Count yer blessings, don't slouch and finish yer dinner as there are children starving everywhere.

Peeping Pope

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 08:36:00 +0000

The Pope looking at MJ's Filthy Friday

I sort of like it! Ya ya dirty boys...............

Catholic Lite

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Sat, 24 Oct 2009 04:28:00 +0000

Since the Pope is toying with the wrath of Gog Old Knudsen decided to contact Catholic lite. The Archbishop of Canterbury Rowan Williams father of Robbie and Robin was next to get a chance.

The bish's website had *funt* all email addresses and Old Knudsen was forced to type the word of Gog into a comment box like a pathetic Blogger.

Here is what Old Knudsen had to say:

The Pope was kind enough to have an email address. The long story short is that God spoke to Old Knudsen and wants him to lead all religions as the rest of yous have done a 'piss poor job' his words. Please submit health coverage, salary and private jet to pick me up details before God gets really angry. Thank you Old Knudsen God's New representative on earth

*Old Knudsen takes his role as saviour of the world very seriously and is stopping swearing*

Oh and here is a picture of a nip.

What More Could A Body Ask For?

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 09:04:00 +0000

I'm sure you all remember this advert promoting the drinking of milk during World War II. Now Old Knudsen only likes pink milk but back then the milk was different.

As I like to remind the Yanks this was the second world war they were late for but they will be on time for the third as they will no doubt start it.

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers were off shedding our blood and other fluids while the Americans were over sexed, over paid and over in Britian holding their manhoods cheap for nylons and chocolate and impregnating our weemen.

Yes the milk we had to drink back then was breast milk from our slappers who gave for the war effort. Now and then Old Knudsen likes a taste of milk on tit tap to remind him of the great sacrifice he never made but others did which was nice.

Open Letter To The Pope

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Thu, 22 Oct 2009 21:37:00 +0000

Dear Pope Benedict XVI

Since Old Knudsen has had no reply from yer office in regards to the end of Catholicism due to centuries of genocide, torture and abuse of power that does not seem to be getting any better Old Knudsen has taken the matter up with a higher authority.

Old Knudsen prayed and fasted during the commercials of Ghosthunters on the Sci-fi channel which I now believe to be named Syfy which as you'll no doubt agree sounds quite silly.

Old Knudsen's prayers were answered by God who incidentally spoke with a Scottish accent which you would know about had you spoken with him.

God told Old Knudsen that he was God's representative on earth and that any religious leader was to accept this and step doon appointing old Knudsen as supreme leader of all religions in order to unite and not divide his children.

I suggest you and yer dress wearing cronies do as God says as he sounded quite pissed off at what you lot had been up to.

Old Knudsen does not need designer clothes and bullet proof pope mobiles as Old Knudsen is a man of faith, he would however like details of the health coverage and pension plan for the job and a salary will be negotiated. Old Knudsen will await details about the private jet etc that will take him to his throne in the Vatican, please open some windows to get rid of the incense and old man smell of the place.

Yours sincerely

Old Knudsen

God's true representative on earth

To send an email to the Pope: benedettoxvi@vatican.va

Join The Church Of Old Knudsen Or Burn, No Pressure

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 09:37:00 +0000

Old Knudsen has a church on the line, started on Facebook called the Church Of Old Knudsen and if you take the letters COOK it means I'm the cook that blends yer souls into the collective consciousness or adds you to the cosmic soup for flavour when yer bodies die. I shall be asking fer bank details soon enough.

Firstly if you are on Facebook and reading this why are you not my friend? current friends disregard.

Secondly if you are my friend on Facebook why aren't you in my church, do you want to end up trapped in Heaven or Hell? friends on Facebook in my church disregard.

Thirdly if you really are my friends can you give me personal references and alibis?

Fourthly there is no fourthly, fourthlies are four the weak.

I flew by personal gryocopter over the Atlantic channel to Killamory, there is a reason they call me 'The flying Orangeman' and I am also the reason for the whole when pigs fly expression, ach those funny wee Fenians.

I didn't want to go by plane due to passport restrictions/expiration and if they had one of them scanners that x-ray yer whole body and see yer parts, well Old Knudsen is very self conscious body wise and I may have put on a few extra pounds.

My head of the Killamory branch of my church is Dick Helms, a good man but a little slow due to almost drowning as a child, yeah we all know one don't we?

Old Knudsen got to his belief and donations centre only to be disgusted at what he saw.

The address was #2, is that implying its a big steaming #2, a turd? also the street is Bottoms end road named after Sir Charles Bottom the slightly famous dead person.

So its #2 Bottoms end, but hey the blue matches me jumper which is nice.

If you are ever in Killamory please cum into the glory hole, my friendly staff are willing to handle whatever yer needs are.

To see the smiles on people's faces as they leave is almost enough payment for me though donations are better, cum and leave us something big or small Gog loves them all.

Excrement Is The New Burning

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Wed, 21 Oct 2009 03:35:00 +0000

A reconstruction of what the witches may have looked like.

India is getting into the Halloween spirit. Five women were paraded naked, beaten and forced to eat human excrement by villagers after being branded as witches in India's Jharkhand state.

Police said the victims were Muslim widows who had been labeled as witches by a wise local cleric.

Old Knudsen isn't sure if they were witches or not but its always better to err on the side of caution when dealing with witches.

Old Knudsen Rides The Old West

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 08:00:00 +0000

The sun was going doon as I rode into town on Friday. Bucktooth, Arizona one of the most rootin tootin environmentally friendly and non- polutin towns in the west.

I went to the livery stables and got Friday settled in for the night it was 20 % off on Tuesdays damn my luck to call me horse Friday.

I felt like I had been rode hard, rolled up wet and sat on by a fat chick so I headed towards the saloon. The sound of piano music and talking stopped as I walked in, everyone was staring at me I knew I should have wore trousers with me ass-less chaps, Callyfornian fashions don't hold with the zonies.

I walked up to the bar, why they put a bar uphill is beyond me. I excused myself for not having washed or properly wiped in 3 months but I needed a drink. Exhausted from my hill walk I growled at the barman, "Whiskey and leave the bottle" the gut rot they served was harsh but cheap just like me. "Hey honey do you want a date?" purred a clean smelling busty lass , "I'm no taking you out ta dinner and the movies away and fuck ya gold digging hoor" if I had wanted a date I would have asked, now I was dying for a shag as I had one in the chamber about to go off.

A voice from the end of the bar called over, " Are you the Killamory kid, famous blogger and gunslinger?" ach autograph hunters.

"Aye that would be me" I replied to the skinny dirty young man fingering his shooter, "Who would you like me to make it out to?" I asked as I pulled out a stack of head shots from a distance in high wind.

The young man laughed and said, "You killed my Pa and now yer gonna die" an odd name, you killed my .................. I looked up he drew his gun, not bad but could have done with more shading, he should have went for charcoal not pencil .

"You killed my pa and now yer gonna die, I'm yer father I left for a packet of smokes and got um captured by Injuns yeah that was it".

You killed my pa and now yer gonna die giggled and ran at me giving me a big hug knocking over my whiskey.

"Why you low doon" I pulled back and drew both my navy colts plugging You killed my pa and now yer gonna die full of new holes.

I looked round the room and saw shocked faces staring at me then someone called out, "this is too awful a crime quick get him another whiskey on me" soon everyone was back to old time partying.

Whiskey was a way of life back then and more precious than life or beans.

I stayed longer in Bucktooth than I had planned because Friday took a long weekend at the stables. I met two other sons, 'What the fuck are you looking at' and 'My nipple is sensitive' yes I do drink a lot, soon I was heading west again for a packet of smokes.

Ashton Kutcher Needs A Slap

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Sun, 18 Oct 2009 05:27:00 +0000

Fuck Ashton Kutcher is an annoying cunt! There I said it, hes like Ben Affleck but 10 fold more irritating and with 10 times less talent. I actually like Affleck but fuck knows why maybe because he is a mate of Matt Damon so he must be alright.

Kutcher has one of those cocky for no good reasons faces that just needs a slap. I don't give a fuck how many followers he has on Twatter I'm sure his assistant is kept busy twatting away. To be honest Old Knudsen has never liked Demi Moore so its odd they should end up together.

Also that cunt had better stop taking pictures of Old Knudsen and showing them off cos Old Knudsen might be doing something anti-social and I bet Ashton is a brussel sprout, ya know tout! ok Americans what about tell tale do ya understand that with yer trucker caps and multiple camera angles to look edgy? why do people buy scuffed up caps? Someone is crazy here and its not Old Knudsen.

Hand Guns In Movies

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Sat, 17 Oct 2009 08:13:00 +0000

By now I'm sure you've seen the movies in which a gun can fire off 50 rounds but when a clear point blank shot of the villain is available the heroes gun goes 'click' known in the business as 'A dead man's click' as any pro like myself counts how many bullets you shoot. Old Knudsen advancing in years does have to call over to the enemy and ask "Did Old Knudsen just fire 5 or 6 times?"

In the movie Mr and Mrs Smith Angelina complains that Brad hands her the small gun, she says 'I get the gurl gun?' In the above picture you can see he took the gurly gun to shut her up.

In fire fights everyone may have the same weapon but the good guy or a females gun will always sound less powerful for some reason.

From the old black and white American cop movies the police usually had little snubbed nosed 38 specials .

Later these became the cliched back up weapon every cop has doon his trouser leg.

In the 80's Dirty Harry helped sales for the 44 magnum which was as big as Old Knudsen's lad.

Until then most automatic pistols were the 1911 Colt 45 which are still as good today as when they first came out with very little modification. They were just bulky and not sexy enough for the hip new audience.

In the mid 80's with government issue weapons changing contracts the 9mm Beretta was the good guy gun.

Die Hard and Lethal Weapon made it a weapon for heroes.

I loved the lines in the 1992 film 'Kuffs' as said by Christian Slater when he goes to buy a gun:

I'm looking for a really big gun which holds a lot of bullets.
Gun Salesman: God bless you, young man.
George Kuffs: [to the camera] I always wanted a gun...
Gun Salesman : Is this what you had in mind? It's a 9mm Beretta. 15 in the clip, 1 in the pipe.
George Kuffs: Got one that holds more?
Gun Salesman: No.
George Kuffs:I'll take two

Without getting into the whole why did James Bond carry a crappy PPK for years I shall continue though Brosnan did change for a Walther P99.

The evil sounding Glocks became cool because it was made out of synthetic polymers and not steel, whoop de doo and now everyone using them including the FBI, IRS , LAPD the English police (when they are allowed) and the Police Service of Northern Ireland.

Interchangeable with the Glocks has been the Sig-Sauer, even Detective Lieutenant John McClane has swapped his 9mm Beretta for one in the last and quite crap Die Hard for more than 4 hours you call a doctor but its not free film this Sig-Sauer is simply known as a P220. Old Knudsen can't keep up with all the numbers its just like all the cars that now look the same.

Scully with her Sig-Sauer 226 increasing the sexiness of weapons 10 fold. Remember its not guns that kill people, its the bullets they fire.

Blood And Guts Knudsen

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Thu, 15 Oct 2009 08:06:00 +0000

I jumped into the trench my peripheral vision seeing movement to my right I swung my M1897 shotgun and blasted before I hit the ground. I stumbled up against the side pumping my gun in preparation, in the semi light of the evening I could see the enemy raising their weapons to aim so I fired pumped fired and pumped until the way was cleared of anyone standing.

I quickly looked behind me as I'd be fucked if there was someone there but Old Knudsen's luck was holding out. I jammed a few shells into my shotgun and checked that my Webley revolver was loaded, I knew it was but it became like an OCD ritual for me.

I stepped over bodies some not fully dead yet and remembered, "They are not people they are the enemy" I save my compassion for my own men. One was a little too lively still so I angled my fighting knife up into their skull, I didn't want any working trigger fingers at my back.

I heard a voice sounding over the din of battle "I can help you over here" I started to run ready to blast anyone that got in my way and I slammed the generic hemorrhoid cream doon onto the conveyor belt. I looked into the cashier's face and only saw the emptiness of a wasted existence.

Once out of Wal-Mart I just walked until I was out of sight of the place. I got to a low wall and allowed my body to break doon, I sobbed and shook as I searched for my cigarettes my fingers clumsily opened the box , damn it was empty . Wal-Mart was the only place for miles, could I go back in there? if I did I'd lose my soul into the abyss for sure, I fingered my Webley a fleeting image of blood and brains splattering over the wall behind me flashed through my mind.

"No!" I said out aloud with tears streaming doon my face, "The crows will no be feeding off Old Knudsen today" I applied some cream to my itching anus and set my jaw in determination.

I *bummed a fag* off some fella at the bus stop and went home, the Mini Mart would be less dangerous but my OCD would compel me to buy beer too that would be the price of my strategy .

*Not in a ghey way*

Severe Weather Alert

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 05:08:00 +0000

Southern Callyfornia is expecting a wee storm soon and you would not believe what happened tonight.It was getting really muggy with the humidity rising and then about half past ten it happened.
For the first time in history it started to rain men. The only ones who seemed to enjoy this were a couple of big black weemen who were getting absolutely soaking wet ................. from all the blood and innards.

It was disgusting as most of the men did not survive the fall and the cars got the ones that did. You won't see it on the news but hey if it rains rain doon here you'll here all about that.

Over to Sarah Gonzales for the latest, "Yes Rick some people did indeed feel rain on them today causing cars on the westbound 60 Freeway to brake suddenly reducing speed to 10 mph and apply their windshield wipers. Governor Schwarzenegger is calling for a state of emergency and immediate aid for those whose hair got damp in the torrential light drizzle."

Fucking Quitter!

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Mon, 12 Oct 2009 08:25:00 +0000

She lit her first cigarette around the outbreak of the First World War in 1914 not 1917 as the Americans seem to think.

Now Winne Langley 102 has kicked the habit after 95 years because she "didn’t fancy it any more" five cigarettes a day, giving a total of more than 170,000 in her lifetime.

Mrs Langley, who would share cigarettes with her friends at infant school, reckons she hasn’t contracted cancer because she does not inhale. Much like the old Clinton reason, he also didn't have sex because he came in bathroom sinks and on blue dresses not into fat chicks.

So its ok to share cigarettes at school but if you try to sell drugs? fucking double standard.

The former laundrette worker, who lives in Croydon, South London said: "Everyone used to smoke in those days, you did it to cope. We didn’t know about the health problems. I just don’t fancy it any more."

Another way of coping was binge drinking, a fine tradition that still goes on today .......... its tough being British.

"My eyesight is failing so in a few years’ time I might not be able to see the pack."

Her cigarettes were always to hand during the Depression and the Second World War, in fact she'd have cigarette and tripe sandwiches for tea .

"I lived close to Biggin Hill and you could hear the German rocket bombs engines cut out," she said.

That would be the V-1 rockets or Doodlebugs, guided missiles that would cut their engines and silently glide doon to their targets and explode. People nick-named them 'Bob Hope bombs' you'd bob to one side and hope they wouldn't hit you.

"Some bombs used to land pretty close to me. You needed a smoke after that. We didn’t know if we were going to be alive from one day to the next, so we thought you might as well enjoy yourself while you’re alive."

Mrs Langley has outlived her husband Robert, who died in 1968 after deciding he just didn't fancy it no more, and her son, who died four years ago aged 72.

She said: "I’ve cut down in recent years and only had one every few days after dinner or in my bedroom. I can just about afford it but the price of cigarettes is disgusting, and the smoking ban is disgusting. You should be able to smoke where you want."

Indeed Mrs Langley you should be able to blow yer smoke into the faces of babies because Britain has earned that right.

Mrs Langley’s step-grandson Clive, 53, said: "Her doctors have told her there’s not much point stopping now. If she’s got to 102 without getting cancer I don’t think she ever will."

Shows you what the fuck doctors know. I wonder what the official medical cut off age is before they don't give a fuck.

See the NHS death panels at work, no Americans keep yer system I believe you deserve it.

I don't see any oxygen tubes up her nose like you would in America so well done the UK for having better air..

If you complain about Europeans smoking you should visit the Inland Empire which explains the every other month wildfire as butts are thrown out of car windys, fucking stupid arseholes .

Here only the poor and movie stars smoke cos it makes em look cool. Cigarettes are a stimulant Mrs Langley pot would have helped you cope ya silly coffin dodging bint.

The 10 Suggestions

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Sun, 11 Oct 2009 08:07:00 +0000

In the spirit of the Church Of Old Knudsen I have changed the 10 commandments to the 10 suggestions. The originals were way too serious and a bit obvious. Live life, be grateful for what you have, keep learning and experiencing and don't be a cunt ................ its easy.

1) "I am the LORD your God who brought you out of the land of Egypt, from the house of slavery. You shall have no other gods before Me..."

1) "I am Old Knudsen who is a spy in the hoose of love. You can have as many Gods as ye want because God is one."
2) "Do not make an image or any likeness of what is in the heavens above..."

2) "Ach sure it does no harm go ahead."
3) "Do not swear falsely by the name of the LORD..."

3) "Old Knudsen finds it funny to shout 'Jesus Christ!' when he sees a picture of Jesus so go ahead its all publicity."
4) "Remember the Sabbath day and keep it holy."

4) "Everyday is holy as everyday is a gift unless you have to work it."

5) "Honour yer Da and yer MA."

5) " Unless they are total cunts."
6) "Do not murder."

6) " Only murder if they deserve it like pedos or politicians."

7) "Do not commit adultery."

7) " Unless there is a really really good reason to do so."
8) "Do not steal."

8) "Swiping the odd pen from a faceless chain store that over prices is ok."
9) "Do not bear false witness against your neighbour."

9) "Unless yer neighbour who is a wife beater has the nerve to call the police on you when you mooned them and told them to fuck off."
10) "Do not covet your neighbor's wife."

10) "Unless she is hot and yer just looking."

Love To Love Ya Baby

noreply@blogger.com (Old Knudsen) — Fri, 09 Oct 2009 08:52:00 +0000

A poll of 15,000 dirty weemen found that Germans are considered "too smelly and liked to force their way into places they had no right to go".

English lovers came second because they are so lazy which explains why all the main roads in England are built by the Irish, while men from Sweden were branded "too quick to finish" and came third or rather first.

Spanish men topped the table as the best lovers, followed by Brazilians and Italians. Having cum from large families they gain much of their experience from their siblings.

The poll, carried out by a global research site asked sluttish weemen who get around a fair bit from 20 countries to rate nations on their ability in bed and give reasons for their answers.

Germans were deemed to have bad body odour, Englishmen were accused of letting women do all the work, whilst Swedes were a bit too quick to finish.

Men from Holland were "too rough" especially with their fingers and dykes and Americans were accused of being "too dominating" as having seen too much porn they like to direct in the bedroom.

Greek men were said to be a bit too soppy....................... ghey!

Other countries who didn't fare well in the poll were Scotland (too loud), Turkey (too sweaty) and Wales (too selfish).

Russian men crept in at tenth place amid accusations they are too hairy and drunk for the average woman also their judicial system was corrupt having only 2 of the 15 big murder cases over the years solved.

A spokesperson added: ''These results are an eye-opener for thousands of men around the world and female travellers might judge potential new lovers by looking at these results.'' Old Knudsen certainly will.

WORLD'S WORST LOVERS:

1. Germany (too smelly)

2. England (too lazy)

3. Sweden (too quick)

4. Holland (too rough)

5. America (too dominating)

6. Greece (too lovey-dovey)

7. Wales (too selfish)

8. Scotland (too loud)

9. Turkey (too sweaty)

10. Russia (too hairy)

WORLD'S BEST LOVERS

1. Spain

2. Brazil

3. Italy

4. France

5. Ireland

6. South Africa

7. Australia

8. New Zealand

9. Denmark

10. Canada

To defend my beautiful Scotland which I don't really think I have to as I wasn't polled, what is wrong with being loud? Old Knudsen may like to rip off the odd fart as he pumps away but ya can hardly hear them over the sound of ' My sweet Killamory.'

"The old cock crows with a joy to be alive in the land where the sweet heather thrives.
Oh my lass thought it nice when I slipped it in twice on the shores of the Killamory."

Old Knudsen has only made it through all 12 verses once and just got into Scotland the brave before he yelled FFFFRRREEEEDDDOOOMMMM! ask yer Ma.

I see that as having colour and making it a more Scottish experience I mean whatever Spain,Brazil,Italy,France all fuck with their mouths and fight wae their feet. Is Ireland a real cuntry? South Africa yeah right they forgot to add they throw a tire around yer neck after and burn ya alive, Australia is famous for its men and their considerate ways towards weemen and is New Zealand not the same place? Denmark should have done better and my Knudsen blood curdles in disgust and Canada? Everyone knows Canadians are so boring that they fall asleep during sex but hey they are very polite with the wipes. There is only one Canadian that makes the grade and I suspect he may have some Scottish in him.

Old Knudsen never has any luck with the dolphins but Donn can charm anything with or without a heartbeat.