Olivia Jane's Cakes and Things

Red Velvet Cupcakes

2012-06-15T06:18:00.002-07:00

Welcome back fatties and singletons :)

Sorry, that was harsh. After all, you may be reading a cake blog but nothing screams 'dying alone' like the girl who is most likely to get choked to death by a cloud of icing sugar.

I am aware and apologetic that I have been absent from baking and blogging about baking for so long, but I have been devoting my time to writing about the ins and outs of my friends sex lives (pun intended).
However fun it has been, it got to a point where every time someone told me a dirty story they would start with "don't blog about this!" and for my more fun friends it went a little more like "you should write about me, I had sex in the snow". Aside from being slightly concerned about the likelihood of my friend's bajengo catching pneumonia, mostly I just decided it was time to take a very little break and go back to cakes for this week.

After all, I can vent so much more about my life here because as long as there are pictures of food no one seems to really mind. It's like an arrangement my best friend Dylan and I have; when he gets bored of me talking about my life then I have to take my top off and he agrees to carry on listening. You can't imagine the amount of times someone's walked into my room and seen me half naked with the echoes of '...and how do you feel about that?'

So here's the same situation: I'm going to tell you about what's been going on in my life recently, if you're not interested then just look at my cupcakes..

Today is the day that I have officially finished my Fresher's year of University. It has been the most incredible year (the parts that I remember that is) and honestly trying to drag myself away has been a difficult feat. I actually already left once this week, on Tuesday, but found myself back again less than 24 hours later because I couldn't quite leave without one last trip to Crisis.

I feel like one of those mothers with separation anxiety that can't leave their child at nursery...except instead of a child it's cheap vodka and bad music.

There has been lots of change in this University year. I have dyed my hair 10 different colours to the point of threats from my hairdresser, all of course to realise in the end that I was happiest my natural colour (or the closest shade that L'Oreal makes to it). I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, and went through all the natural stages of a break up: revenge rampage, date a gay guy (again), contemplate lesbianism only to realise that you're not comfortable saying Yo! to any sushi, and of course internet shopping debt. Thankfully all of this was confined to the short space of a very interesting two weeks. Aside from hair and boys, I've made the most amazing friends this year and have finally worked out what I really want to do with my life, and am actually getting started with it. That's right, I'm going to be a pornstar. No, I'm going to be a writer...but I shouldn't rule out doing a Kim Kardashian to get my name out there.

With the last week of term closing in on us, we Freshers have been enlightened on something known as 'goldrush.' For anyone that hasn't heard of this, it is just about the most romantic thing in the world. Imagine you are a third year student and about to leave University and realise that you want to make sure you've visited all the landmarks that campus has to offer. Now imagine that these landmarks are Fresher's vaginas. You get the picture. Essentially, this is a time for all horny third years to make sure that they have gotten with/on top of/inside every girl that they have wanted to that they will most likely never see again before the year's up.

Entertaining as it is to watch, it is much less entertaining to fall victim to it. A couple of my friends (not naming any names) have been blessed with this goldrush honour, as for the rest I've seen the third year boys snaking around Ocean nightclub smiling at the freshers like prey. This isn't to say that all the third year boys are bad, some of them are great guys. Not so great however, are the ones that refer to me as 'mini Steph' while smiling at me and running their hands down my back. I suppose in the mind of a drunk 21 year old, it wouldn't register that being patronised while reminded of the fact that they have most likely played tonsil tennis with your sister isn't so attractive to a girl.

It seems like all over Nottingham University this 2012-esque end of the world mentality is spreading like wildfire, as everyone seems to be ending their year totally intoxicated confessing their feelings for one another and generally creating an atmosphere like a cheap Latino sitcom. Last night at Crisis alone there were three confessions of love, two rejected friend kisses and countless shouting, crying and throwing drinks. I honestly wouldn't have it any other way.

Now that I'm home however, I get to enjoy the luxuries of baking, London clubbing (cute bartenders inclusive) and spending time with my wife Tallie who mostly just eats the cakes and steals the cute bartenders..

THE CAKE BIT

I decided that if I was going to write a cake post after all this time, it should be a recipe that is classic, delicious and easy to do. Nothing says classic cupcakes like Red Velvet. I would be lying if I said this was the first time I have baked anything recently. There have been 6 occasions in which I have royally fucked up baking. I have cried almost all of them.
Last week I decided to make Whoopie Pies at a boy's house in an effort to make a good impression on his mum. An hour later, she couldn't have been less impressed to come home to a messy kitchen and some very depressed looking things that genuinely resembled nothing more than dog turds. However amused the boy was at my failure, it took a while for me to get over it.

As for these Red Velvets, well they are the first thing I ever baked and they would never let me down.
Here's the recipe:

60g unsalted butter, at room temperature
150g caster sugar
1 egg
10g cocoa powder
20ml red food colouring (we recommend Dr. Oetker's or a paste colouring as red food colourings vary in strength)
½tsp vanilla extract
120ml buttermilk
150g plain flour
½tsp salt
½tsp bicarbonate of soda
1½tsp white wine vinegar

300g icing sugar, sifted
50g unsalted butter, at room temperature
125g cream cheese, cold

12-hole cupcake tray, lined with large cupcake cases

1. Preheat the oven to 170°C/325°F/gas mark 3.

2. Put the butter and the sugar in a freestanding electric mixer with a paddle attachment (or use a handheld electric whisk) and beat on medium speed until light and fluffy and well mixed. Turn the mixer up to high speed, slowly add the egg and beat until everything is well incorporated.

3. In a separate bowl, mix together the cocoa powder, red food colouring and vanilla extract to make a thick, dark paste. Add to the butter mixture and mix thoroughly until evenly combined and coloured (scrape any unmixed ingredients from the side of the bowl with a rubber spatula). Turn the mixer down to slow speed and slowly pour in half the buttermilk. Beat until well mixed, then add half the flour, and beat until everything is well incorporated. Repeat this process until all the buttermilk and flour have been added. Scrape down the side of the bowl again. Turn the mixer up to high speed and beat until you have a smooth, even mixture. Turn the mixer down to low speed and add the salt, bicarbonate of soda and vinegar. Beat until well mixed, then turn up the speed again and beat for a couple more minutes.

4. Spoon the mixture into the paper cases until two-thirds full and bake in the preheated oven for 20–25 mins, or until the sponge bounces back when touched. A skewer inserted in the centre should come out clean. Leave the cupcakes to cool slightly in the tray before turning out onto a wire cooling rack to cool completely.

(sexy and I know it)

5. Meanwhile for the cream cheese frosting: Beat the icing sugar and butter together in a freestanding electric mixer with a paddle attachment (or use a handheld electric whisk) on medium-slow speed until the mixture comes together and is well mixed. Add the cream cheese in one go and beat until it is completely incorporated. Turn the mixer up to medium-high speed. Continue beating until the frosting is light and fluffy, at least 5 mins. Do not overbeat, as it can quickly become runny.

When the cupcakes are cold, spoon over the cream cheese frosting on top.

Tiramisu Cupcakes

2012-03-24T11:21:00.001-07:00

Some of you may know that I don't really eat cake. I've mention this before and I know it makes me look like a bigger fraud than Mona but it's true. This means, however, that I will only make cake that is so good that even I want to eat it.

You can ask any member of my family, 80% of the time when I'm baking I yell at the food like it's just cheated on me and throw it away. Then I paint my nails, which is risky because when I fuck that up they're attached to me so all I can really do is yell at my hands. Makes me feel like I know Edward Scissorhands' pain.

So that's why these cupcakes are special. Not only are they cake, but they are coffee flavoured cake. I fucking hate coffee flavoured anything. The only thing I hate more than coffee flavoured things is denim miniskirts. But that's a whole other issue.

Not only did I eat this motherfuckers. I loved them. They're so moist, so alcoholic, and taste like a Starbucks/Hummingbird lovechild. I want to adopt that lovechild.
I literally spent more time eating them than Tulisa did that poor man's penis. (I can't remember his name properly, but honestly if you suck off someone who's name starts with DJ, you shouldn't be that appalled when he's not the perfect gentleman after.)

I'm going to get back to the cake soon, but first I'm going to talk about myself. And there's nothing you can do about it. I've had a very interesting couple of weeks.

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3 years, but don't worry in the words of Beyonce:
'I'm not gonna blast you on the radio, I'm better than that.' (I feel that blogging is the 2012 equivalent of the radio)

I still care for the boy deeply, possibly not as much as I do his sisters but I can't help that. Either way it's been a very interesting time finding out what single life is about for possibly the first time in my life. I've been taught by my friends (and Carrie) a fair amount.

For example, Casey has taught me never to get with anyone below an 8...which is fine if you look like Casey.

I've also been taught by Kunal to stop hate-chirpsing people. For example I produced the following pickup line on Monday night 'oh you're French? I hate French guys. No, you're not an exception.' (It worked though)

Other than this sage wisdom I'm morealess just having a fuckload of fun with my last few weeks of term. WAH. I'm honestly going to miss it so much seeing as I will be spending all of Easter surrounded by Matza and my inappropriate family who need to stop sharing information about their sex lives. That means you Grandma.

...slut

There's so much more going on but honestly I will bore you to death. I'm going to post the recipe tomorrow because I can't be fucked right now.

THIS BIT'S ACTUALLY ABOUT CAKE
Just going to briefly explain what these beautiful little cupcakes are about. Aside from heaven.
They are Tiramisu cupcakes, gorgeous vanilla sponge with Kahlua and coffee soaked centres with a layer of Kahlua cream in the middle and on top. (I made the Kahlua myself because I'm a badman raised by alcoholics).

Here's a couple more pictures so you get the gist:

Strawberries & Cream Cheesecake

2012-03-08T17:47:00.001-08:00

Hello loyal and patient fans...(members of my family and probably some middle aged Asian businessmen that got here accidentally while surfing for Hentai porn). I know I keep leaving it years between posts but it's nice to be dramatic and attention seeking reappearing like that guy in The Prestige.

Incase anyone cares how my life is going at uni i'll give a brief update. I've finally started acting like a real student and went to two whole seminars. Little did I know prior to this that it was possible to spend 120 minutes learning about walls. I've also cut down on my unhealthy Internet shopping addiction and am enriching my life with more positive things, like cigarettes and Pretty Little Liars.

The rest of semester 2 so far has really been a blur of drama, vomit, people falling in bushes and lots of questionably tight and slutty clothing...on my friend James Phillips. It shouldn't come as much of a surprise that sometimes I like a break from it all to come home and talk to my cookery books. But only a short break, to bring cake back to the troops.

Today's recipe is really a keeper. Strawberries and cream cheesecake. *sighhhh* it just sounds so perfect as a pairing like honey and lemon, or Kardashian and leopard print, or Milton Karamani and fake tan.

It's honestly the best recipe ever. It tastes how I assume Peter Pan clouds taste. It's a very modest but pretty cake and tastes creamy and light, like a purer version of Haagen Dazs Strawberry Cheesecake ice cream.

I decided to go with this recipe because I neglected to make my best friend Tally a birthday cake. Strawberries and cream is the picky bitches favourite flavour so I've had to go with it. Not that I wasn't a good enough friend on her birthday; coming down to London to wear a bikini in MARCH.

Boys will probably not understand this, but the Universe gives girls exactly 10 months from the moment they stop wearing bikinis in September to the painstaking time they start again in June to mentally, emotionally and physically prepare for this harrowing task. So when thrown a curveball like this, we suddenly drop our smug late-winter attitude of 'I definitely look fabulous under my onesie, not like a pale doughboy' and jump ship. (but then we realise that requires a bikini and stay on the ship but in great lighting).

Well if there was ever a cake to destroy the ability to bikini ever again it's this one - and it's fabulous.

Here's the recipe:
1. Mash up half a pack of digestives with a rolling pin, then stir in 100g melted butter. Line detachable bottom pan with this base.
2. Boil 200g chopped strawberries with 80g caster sugar and 30ml water. As the strawbs go soft and the water reduces by half, remove from heat to cool.
3. Whip up 600g cream cheese with 100g caster sugar, then slowly beat in 2 eggs - one at a time. Stir in cooled strawberries.
4. Pour on top of base and wrap pan in foil, then place in a larger pan filled 3/4 top with water. Cook on 160c for half an hour. Whip up double cream to spread on top once cake is out the oven and cooled. Leave to set overnight.

Surprisingly non - disgusting Cardamom Loaf

2012-01-12T08:02:00.000-08:00

I am fully aware how unpleasant cardamom loaf sounds, but I assure you it is awesome.
I first started my romance with cardamom at Uni when my insane friend Sufi arrived with all her eastern remedies that her mum packed with her. This girl was basically stocked to be the Dalai Lama of A&E for freshers flu. I always picture her floating around her rooms with scarves chanting and grinding up herbs. The reality is she spends more time in my room laughing at her ridiculous boobs while I grind up herbs of my own finding...

So to my point, I always wander into her room whining about a new type of feeling unwell and deciding I'm dying from what can only be described as JHS (Jewish Hypochondriac Syndrome). Sufi's go to move is always her Mum's cardamom tea. At first I spat it out because it wasn't PG Tips and I take issue with change, but then I became so obsessed with it that I started literally stealing it.

It's got an amazing fresh and exotic flavour without tasting too herby. This cake is essentially designed for eating with tea, especially herbal tea. It's totally light and yummy without being sickly and you can just eat it all day. Unfortunately it is for that reason that I couldn't get a picture of it in it's full glory. I decided to have a Bridget Jones moment and eat it straight out the pan at 5am while talking about myself. Kate bore witness to this, as she now thinks she lives at my house. She actually said 'Hi Mum and Dad!' to my parents one of the last times she came over. At this point she had met them twice.

I have been eating this cake all morning watching Pretty Little Liars deciding that I know all the answers in spite of the fact that there's a 90% chance I don't know any of them. Either way I've spent my time stuffing my face and desperately contacting Sacha Feldman to tell her I've put a new piece of the puzzle together. To which she always says 'I know...everyone knows...it became obvious 3 weeks ago.' And then I cry and eat more cake and decide that PLL is going to end however I say so.

Even my mum has eaten it, as I slyly put a note on it saying 'Low-Fat'. I may has well written 'contains no food whatsoever', otherwise she just plain wouldn't have eaten it.

I know that no one who isn't directly looking for cake really looks at the recipe part of this, but this one is actually very simple and lovely. I think that you should grow some fucking balls and try to make it. You will feel like you've accomplished something this holiday aside from 'revising'. Or what boys straight up call 'masturbating while playing Xbox'. I'm talking to you Gibber. Jokes probably not.

Recipe:
190g caster sugar
190g butter
10 split and crushed cardamom pods
190g flour
3 eggs <3
1 tsp baking powder
25ml sour cream
splash vanilla extract

(LOOK HOW EASY IT IS, FUCKING DO IT)

1. Preheat oven to 170. Cream butter, sugar and crushed cardamom, mush in your 3 eggs.

2. Add flour and baking powder.

3. Add sour cream and vanilla extract.

4. Put in loaf tin, then oven for 50mins.

Do it bitches. It is so easy. Anyone that actually does this, or bothers to do any other recipe I have ever published please send me a picture: olivia.jane.geisler@gmail.com. I will be disgustingly impressed and put the picture in my next post.

Pina Colada Cupcakes

2012-01-10T10:08:00.000-08:00

Apologies to my miniscule group of fans, for I have been extremely absent since the summer.

Late October I started studying at Nottingham University.

'Studying' is a loose term, since the most reading I've done has been on the back of paracetemol packets after waking up at 4pm.

Its been the most amazing first term, so amazing that I haven't been able to stop and pick up a mixing bowl. Especially considering the fact that students are broke as fuck.

After a certain point, money tends to be represented by tickets, cigarettes and takeaway. This is all organised on an epic trip to One-Stop where rich jewish students escape campus and fear the locals while getting money out. I've decided that the locals are possibly more scared of me, with my bright red hair and embodying Carrie Bradshaw in her misguidedly bad dressed days of the 2nd season of Sex and the City.

I'm quite certain I've eaten more Dominoes in the past 3 months than in my entire life, to the point that Milel (the guy who answers the phone) and I have developed a very promising relationship...that was until he asked me if I was sure I only needed one chocolate melt.

I decided to symbolise the past few months in a recipe, I would go with my first batch of alcoholic cupcakes.

They represent nights like these:

And mornings like these:

I hosted a 'You Are What You Drink' party for my birthday this year in the brilliant Hoxton Pony in Shoreditch. This meant that everyone dressed up like their favourite cocktail. I was particularly impressed by the girl wearing a lemon on her head. Less so by the girls dressed as White Russian...hookers.

Anyway, it got me inspired.

The ultimate cocktail is of course the Pina Colada - and with enough Malibu in my house to sedate an army of Israeli soldiers, I decided to give it a go.

I love this recipe, and how the cupcakes have a glazed look to them. They taste gorgeous, like calorie fuelled shots!

Here's how it's done:

Ingredients

55g/2oz unsalted butter, room temperature
140g/5oz sugar
120ml/4floz coconut milk
1 large egg
140g/5oz plain flour
2tsp baking powder
425g/15oz can of pineapple rings, drained and chopped small

For the icing:

175g/6oz caster sugar
1 egg white
2tbsp coconut rum, like Malibu

Preheat the oven to 180°C/350°F/gas 4. Line a 12-hole non-stick muffin tin with paper cases.
Cream the butter and the sugar together until light and fluffy. Mix the coconut milk and egg together and add to the butter and sugar. don’t worry if it looks a little curdled at this stage.
Sift the flour with the baking powder and add to the mixture, followed by the chopped pineapple.
Divide the mixture between the muffin cases and bake in the oven for 20 mins until springy to the touch. Leave to cool on a wire rack.
Place the icing ingredients in a heatproof bowl and place over a bowl of hot (not boiling) water. Use an electric whisk to beat the mixture until it thickens and forms soft peaks when you lift the whisk. This should take 5-6 mins. Remove the bowl from the heat and spread the icing on the cupcakes, working quickly before the icing sets. Decorate as you please.

Adorable Owl Cupcakes

2011-09-19T15:48:00.000-07:00

THEY ARE SO CUTE.
I can't deal with it.
I got this idea from 6bittersweets, who got it from a book that I can't remember the name of.

I happen to be the biggest owl fan ever because I have no life so this was a really great find for me.

I decided to make these this Saturday when some friends came over, although when some turned into around 50 the poor little guys got a little overshadowed.
By which i mean people stubbed out cigarettes on them. I was very close to calling the RSPCA. Joking, I'm not crazy...what...

Saturday was good fun though and probably one of the last of it's kind I'll throw before university. *sob*

It comprised mostly of boys and vodka and I started to get the impression that a good handful of them showed up to see my mum instead of me.

Even my friend Richard managed to traumatise my sister knocking on the glass of the room she was sitting in demanding to find out when my mum would be arriving home.

I feel like Stacey, sitting in the swimming pool all alone in a tankini while my mum poledances on the kitchen table. Although my mum would never poledance on the kitchen table, it might scuff the surface.

Even my own boyfriend apparently prefers to hang out with my mum:

*thats them playing Wii tennis, I wasn't allowed to play...

More embarrassing still was my night tonight. My friend Toni and I decided against all better judgement to pick up off a gentleman named 'Sleazy' who previously sold me a generous amount of grass from the garden for £40.

We considered backing out after a while, but then he gallantly texted me

'I'm in da cab'

I couldn't possible refuse his charming rhetoric.

So inevitably the guy turns up in a car that looks like a battered coke can and exchanges me an empty plastic bag in exchange for my money. You have to hand it to him though, he promised not to sell me grass again and he stuck to it. That's growth.

In the end Toni and I had our asian movie night £40 poorer and more retarded than ever. It's ok though. because we wore our hair in high buns and drank wine while failing at racist impressions. All good.

The Cupcakes

1. Make basic chocolate cupcakes. Recipes can be found anywhere, I went for the hummingbirds one.

2. Ice with chocolate butter cream, made with cocoa powder, icing sugar, vanilla and butter.

3. Split several oreos so that the white filling is a full circle, and stick these on next to eachother for the eyes. You then put minstrels in for the pupils, at whatever angle creates a nice facial expression.
4. Pick out the yellow and orange skittles from a pack and place them thin onto the cupcake to create a beak.

5. You can use the excess icing to pipe the furry top of their head/eyebrows.
Enjoy!

Boob Cake

2011-09-09T16:33:00.000-07:00

I've been told in the past that my style of baking and blogging is somewhat 'innapropriate'.

I decided they were wrong, and that it was time to prove them right.

Enter boob cake.

I decided to make this cake for my lovely friend Martha's leaving party, as she, like the rest of the world is fucking off to Israel. When I told her I was making a cake she suggested this as a joke, but should've known better that I'd DEFINITELY go through with it. Who knows, maybe this will open up a whole world of pornographic baking and I'll re-define the 'spotted dick'.

I've made boob once before, for my friend Richard's birthday. If you read my last post, he's the one involved with 'titty-aura', much to Pedram's protesting that it's 'his thing'. I need to stop using quotations, it makes me feel like Joey when he kept using them at the wrong times...

So yes, as a co-creator of 'titty-aura', Richard is a big fan of boobs. He always tells me how mine are looking if I'm having a rough day, because that's what friendship is all about. I always tell him when his shirts are too tight and make him look like a sailor, because I'm an asshole.

So although making boob cake was very fun, the presentation of it was much to be desired. I brought it with me to a testosterone clad pub and had to stand around pretending to be amused all of the hundred times another guy cleverly said 'nice rack' and then laughed at his own joke.

I then finally found Martha and put my tits on the table, only to discover that her Dad and Stepmum would be joining us. Who I've never met. I didn't think my biggest problem meeting someone's parents would be avoiding them looking at my nipples. It was awkward to say the least. Martha's Dad tried to talk to me about 'The Iliad' while averting his gaze, which would've been fine except for that I haven't read the Iliad, and so gave some unfounded opinions on the tone of the book...based on Troy the movie. (I should've used quotations there but I felt awkward.)

The first time I made boob cake, I made lots of errors so this is an opportunity for me to teach what I've learnt about handling sugarpaste.

So here's some tips on how to construct a boob cake:

1. Using any cake mix, fill two small identical saucepans and cook in the oven for as long as you normally would until a toothpick comes out clean.

2. Leave to cool and sit the two cakes next to eachother, then coat in buttercream.

3. For the boobs, you should get fleshcolour sugarpaste, and a colour for the bra you want your boobs to be wearing. Mine got a corset because they're fancy. You need to roll out the fleshcolour and lay it over the two cakes and smooth down the edges, cutting off the excess. Then layer the bra colour on top and decorate.

Sugarpaste tips:

* knead the sugarpaste for 5min before you roll it, this prevents it cracking

* when rolling out the sugarpaste, use only a little icing sugar on the surface, and don't allow any icing sugar to come into contact with the sugarpaste that will be on show.

* Make sure to spread the buttercream thin, otherwise it will clump underneath the sugarpaste

Guy Pollack is inferior

Salted Caramel 'Mo Cake

2011-09-03T09:11:00.000-07:00

This cake is seriously sexy.
And I'll tell you what isn't - me when I was making it.
I'm not gonna lie, it is a pretty challenging cake. But more so if you're a spacially unaware retard.
I actually got assaulted by a whisk at one point, it literally fell out of nowhere onto my face covered in cream making me look like something off of youporn.
I was very hesitant to make this cake, because last time I tried to make caramel from scratch, this happened:

It actually looks less painful than it was.

I made this cake last night for my cousins who came over for dinner.

I decided to serve it with a side of 'it's ok to be gay' pep talk for the middle child. This backfired massively.

Me: Listen, if you're a homo, that's fine.
12 year old: I'm not a homo

Me: Yes but you don't know that yet, you're young, you are a 'mo

12 year old: Right...
Me: And it's ok that you're gay. It's ok to want buttsex.
12 year old: The only buttsex I'm going to be having is if my cock is in a woman's ass.

Me:

Back to cake:

Here's your recipe for some salted caramel 'mo cake:

Sponge:

300g butter

140g brown sugar

3 eggs

100g cocoa powder

160ml buttermilk

1 tsp vanilla

330g flour

2 tsp baking powder

1tsp bicarb

1 tsp salt

Salty Caramel:

200g caster sugar

2 tbsp golden syrup

180ml double cream

1 tsp sea salt

Frosting:

200g caster sugar

2 tbsp golden syrup

360ml double cream

450g dark chocolate

450g unsalted butter

1. Make the salty caramel first by boiling the sugar and syrup for 10 mins, then in a seperate pan dissolove salt into double cream. Pour this into the caramel mix and whisk. Set aside.

2. Make frosting following the same steps, but follow by stirring in the dark chocolate and then the butter. Set aside.

3. Sponge. Preheat oven to 170C. Cream butter and both sugars, then add eggs.

4. In a jug stir cocoa buttermilk and vanilla, and sift all dry ingreds. In 3 batches mix in the wet and dry, ending with the dry.

5. Divide into 2 pans and cook for 25mins.

6. Once cool, sandwich the layers with caramel and frosting, swirling the remaining caramel on top.

Hummingbird's Malted Chocolate Cupcakes

2011-09-01T07:55:00.000-07:00

Hello my loyal and obsessive fans. (I am of course addressing myself and my boyfriend who occassionally checks for a genuine mention on here)

My grandma looked once too for my cheesecake recipe, jammy slut.

So since I got back from Tel Aviv I've done relatively fuck all. But it's been a nice fuck all. I've basically sat around watching The Runaway Bride over and over again crying and smoking.
In fact it got to the point where Toni left my house while we were halfway through the movie, and the next day when she asked what I was doing I had to tell her I was still watching it.

She does look like a bell when she moves :')

So I've utilized my free house well.

Also had my self a little partA last night, which is basically what comprises of a large group of people spending the evening with me staring at them whispering 'eat my cake'. Good times.

It was a very nice night though, I was reunited with Tally and it felt so good. I also learnt about Titty-aura from Richard and Pedram.

I learnt that it is the effect of being surrounded by great pairs of boobs that creates a calming and happy atmosphere. I suspect it derives from memories of breastfeeding. Poor messed up boys.
Either way, with Tash Biber in the room, the titty-aura was apparently on form.

Phwoar. Feeling calm yet?

My childhood stalker Alex came and brought his two friends that happened to be all kinds of weird.
They kind of tanked when we invited them to play 'I've Never.'
I thought it would be nice to get them involved, until they opened with 'Er, I've never fucked a girl, realised she's bleeding and carried on.'
...no neither mate.

Maura, Ilana, Jess and Tash all requested a mention.
Tash has already had hers.
Here's the deal on them:
Maura is a slut and her boyfriend has run off with mine out of despair.
Ilana likes feet.
Jess is an ugly ginger.
There, mentioned.

So the night slowed down a little, Alex stayed for a while and I made his friends help tidy up in exchange for me waxing Alex's chest.

You thought I was joking...

I then got into bed with a cup of tea and went on chatroulette telling people to sort their lives out.

So how does all of this relate to cupcakes?
It doesn't.
Except these cupcakes were eaten last night and I just enjoy talking about myself.
So the cupcakes.
There's this place in St. Albans called The Waffle House. It makes the most amazing malted chocolate milkshake that I've been craving ever since I first had it at age 10. When I discovered this recipe I had to do it, because that malty taste is just the yummiest thing in the world.
Here goes:

Ingredients

Sponge:

150ml sunflower oil

75ml milk

75ml buttermilk

1 egg

1 tsp vanilla

240g flour

25g cocoa powder

2 tsp baking powder

1 tsp salt

330g caster sugar

150ml boiling water

Frosting:

200g dark chocolate

240ml double cream

115ml malt powder

50g cream cheese

35g caster sugar

Malteasers to decorate

1. Preheat oven to 190C. Whisk the blue ingredients and sift the red in a seperate bowl.
2. Alternate the dry ingredients with the boiling water in 3 shifts mixing into the initial mixture.
3. Divide into paper cases and cook for 18-20mins.
4. Meanwhile melt the dark chocolate in a pan slowly and set aside to cool. Whisk the double cream with the malt powder to create stiff peaks.
5. In a seperate bowl, whisk the cream cheese and sugar, then mix in the melted chocolate and add this to the double cream malt.
6. Use a palette knife to swirl onto cooled cupcakes.

Churrrrrrrrrrros

2011-08-22T20:00:00.000-07:00

So I haven't posted for a while because I have been in Tel Aviv this week.
Definitely can't be fucked to actually bake out here because realistically its a treck and other people's kitchens make me uncomfortable.
Like my boyfriend Tyson's house, his mum is a serious pro and makes loads of bread and stuff and all her ingredients are intimidating. Not that it really stops me.
My favourite place to bake is Tally's house.
This is Tally:

The general routine at Tally's is that she phones me up telling me she wants to bake, and then we either both fuck it up or she watches and laughs and gets distracted. She also likes to do things 'the scouse way' where you put a cake in a saucepan. Special one she is.

Anyway, Tel Aviv is standardly gorgeous and this is the longest I've ever gone out here without losing my bikini top on the beach. It's probably because Rob Lawee hasn't arrived yet.
The first time I got assaulted in this way it resulted in me freaking out and getting salt water in my eyes. At which point of course I got a leg cramp and started sinking titanic style as an elderly Israeli man touched himself nearby.

I've been with Shier in her amazing place out here and we've spent the majority of the time trying to retaliate all the 30 year old suitors pursuing her. The problem is that she is too nice. Today as a creepy guy texted her she was nice enough to give a simple response. When I got texted by a creep, I immediately told him to suck my dick. We balance eachother out well.

I just got back from La Mer, and for those who don't know Tel Aviv it's a place where 14 year olds go to get drunk. It is pretty nice there though, minus the minors.
I just came back feeling all sandy and it hit me how much i crave my Soap & Glory. Anyone who doesn't know what that is is mad. It's brilliant, not just because of the puns.
Here's what every girl should own and use on the daily:

1. Clean on Me

God send if you fancy the softest skin in the entire world. Smells so good, so creamy.

2. The Breakfast Scrub

They say on the side of the tin 'do not eat'. You would think they're joking but it takes a serious amount of restraint not to eat this. It smells like granola and honey and happiness. My sister tried to eat it because she was that kid at nursery who ate the play dough and hasn't grown out of it yet.

3. No Clogs Allowed

Anyone that knows me knows I don't really have spot prone skin BECAUSE I'M A FUCKING GODDESS. Jokes. But spotty or not this stuff feels so good. It's self heating and exfoliating and you don't have the worry of drowning while washing your face because it has a cute little sponge thing to sort your life out.

It's probably about time I stop bullshitting and actually talk about food because realistically that's what you're here for. To stare at food. And not read what I'm saying.
So let's talk CHURROS.

Churros are fantastic, and this kind are little bite sized ones. They're surprisingly really easy to make and a massive crowd pleaser. Whenever my boyfriend and his friends come over for a bun up it's the ideal snack, mostly because they get so excited by the dipping.
See here they are:

N'aww.

So here's how you make churros:

Vegetable oil for frying

1 cup water

1 stick (4 ounces) butter

1/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon

1/4 teaspoon salt

1 1/2 cups all-purpose flour, sifted

3 eggs & 2 egg whites

For dusting:

3 tablespoons of cinnamon and sugar, mixed

Prepare to fry the churros by heating about 1 1/2 inches of oil in a deep pan. The oil should be about 360 degrees F.

To make the dough, bring the water, butter, cinnamon and salt to a rolling boil in a 3-quart saucepan. Stir in the flour all at once. Reduce the heat to low and stir vigorously until the mixture forms a ball, about 1 minute. Remove the pan from the heat.

Let the batter sit for 5 minutes to cool.

When it’s warm (not hot) to the touch, add one egg at a time. Keep stirring until the mixture comes together and is smooth. (You can do this in a mixer with a paddle attachment if you’ve already had your daily workout.) Note: Since it was way too dry for me, I added 2 egg whites. It was then perfect.

Spoon the mixture into a piping bag fitted with a large star tip. Have sterilized scissors on hand. Hold the bag over the hot oil, squeeze a strip of dough about 1 inches long, snip it with the scissors and let it drop into the oil. Fry 10 to 12 balls at a time, turning once, until golden brown, about 2 minutes on a side. Drain on paper towels. Roll the churro tots in the sugar/cinnamon and serve immediately. These are really best minutes after they’ve been fried.

Serve with whipped cream and/or melted chocolate.

Red Velvet & Cream Cheese Brownies

2011-08-19T06:08:00.001-07:00

This week has been very hectic, and so I actually haven't been able to bake at all.
When I say at all, I mean I only managed to make brownies.

Monday was my standard routine of going to Tiger Tiger, quite possibly the perviest club in London. Except this time we celebrated Ariella's belated birthday/leaving to Israel, which was important because it meant free shots from her hot parents.

It was as pervy as ever, so when Nicole Scherzinger's foul song 'Right There' came on and the slag sung 'come on baby put your hands on my body' this creep that looked like one of the Desperate Housewives murderers started feeling me up. I explained to him that the song wasn't to be taken literally. He moved on to the girl next to me. Classy lad.

The rest of the week was filled up by seeing my boyfriend, Tyson Beckford, before he goes off to Thailand or wherever he said he was going. I assume Thailand because that's where all my sister's boyfriends go when they inevitably leave/turn gay.

This seems to be a pattern in our family as I spent the other night listening to my ex talk about his break up with Jesse. (Don't be optimistic and think 'Jessie the Cowgirl'...not quite...more Jesse the guy dressed up like a red indian for the Village People party they attended recently)

You thought I was joking. Either way we hate Jesse. He's a liar.

So since then we've had results day, which has been stressful as shit. I magically got all A's in English and Classics which I keep having to double check, while art literally fucked me.
To be fair I have my teacher Valerie to thank, even though she laughs at me every single lesson when I say something retarded she is a pretty great teacher.
Unlike our other teacher who doesn't need to be named who spent an entire lesson with us gossiping about plastic surgery while eating a sandwich...
The day was emotional but made me really proud of lots of my friends, especially Essie Buckman, Shier Ziser, Ariella Wagerman, , Matt Kuber, Nechama Harris, Toni Enright, and Natalie Barber - all fucking geniuses.
Probably a lot more too, my favourite is because they're way too down to earth for anyone to know they're so clever. Matt not so much.

It was a very nice day, and my parents got out the gin and tonic to celebrate. Although I'm pretty sure it wasn't in honour of me...because it was 6pm and therefore officially happy hour anyway.

SO BACK TO TODAY.
I'm going to Tel Aviv tomorrow FINALLY.
I've been in London so long that they tried to set it on fire to make me leave.
Its all very exciting because I'm going to stay with Shier and her two brothers Lamar and Simba.
I've also been super duper cool enough to download the BA app to track my boarding pass. Ultimate neb.

I need to pack and I totally can't be fucked. If it wasn't for going away tomorrow I would probably be high and baking a cake while listening to Otis Redding. Basically an ideal morning.
Instead, I'm sitting around waiting for my ridiculously excessive Boots order to arrive with all my holiday non-essentials.
In the mean time, I'll share with you the brownies I made mid-week. They're amazing.

Ingredients:

1/2 cup butter
2-oz dark chocolate, coarsely chopped
1 cup sugar
2 large eggs
1 tsp vanilla extract
1 1/2 tsp red food coloring
2/3 cup all purpose flour
1/4 tsp salt
8-oz cream cheese, room temperature
1/3 cup sugar
1 large egg
1/2 tsp vanilla extract

Directions:
Preheat oven to 350F. Butter the bottom and sides of a 8 inch metal baking pan. Put a long piece of parchment paper in the bottom of the pan, letting the parchment extend up two sides of the pan and overhang slightly on both ends. (This will make it easy to remove the bars from the pan after they have baked.) Butter the parchment.

In a small, heatproof bowl, melt butter and chocolate together. Stir until combined and very smooth. Set aside to cool for a few minutes.

In a large bowl, whisk together sugar, eggs, vanilla extract and red food coloring. Add chocolate mixture and stir until smooth. Add flour and salt and stir until just combined and no streaks of dry ingredients remain.

Pour into prepared pan and spread into an even layer. To prepare cheesecake mixture, beat cream cheese, sugar, egg and vanilla extract in a medium bowl until smooth. Distribute the cheesecake mixture in 8 dollops over batter in the pan.

Swirl in with a knife or spatula.Bake for 35-40 minutes, until brownies and cheesecake are set. A knife inserted into the cheesecake mixture should come out clean and the edges will be lightly browned.

Let cool completely in pan on a cooling rack before lifting out the parchment paper to remove the brownies.

The Ugly-Sexy Cheesecake

2011-08-16T11:14:00.000-07:00

My sister AND THEO'S 'ugly-sexy' principle is vital to life.
You probably haven't realised it yet, but there will always be a handful of people out there who fulfil all your ugly-sexy needs.

I'll explain myself.

Say you're out at a club, and you see this guy from across the room.
First of all you think 'shit, he is ugly' but then it becomes blindingly apparent that he is so sexy that you want to live inside his skin like an ugly-sexy onesie.

The point is, these are the guys (and girls) that have a certain sex appeal about them totally untarnished by their looks.
You're totally drawn to their personality, or voice, or just want to make a bagjob out of them.

For those of you who are still lost (or have closed the page because you wanted cake and you're getting the rantings of an insane person), here are some examples of ugly-sexy people:

1. Professor Snape

...Yeah you would.

2. Lady Gaga

Let's be honest, her face is a bit weird. But you would probably let her take a ride on your disco stick or what have you..

3. Scar

Enough said.

So I think you get my point.

Now this cheesecake is the epitome of ugly-sexy.

It looks like shit. Like genuinely it's so ugly. But...it's sexy.

You know you want to taste it, and when you do it's AMAZING.

It has fucking oreos in it man. OREOS. Oreo's only make life better. Fact.

There is only one thing better in life than oreos. And that is oreos and milk.

This cheesecake however is even better.

Here's how it's done:

1. Put a packet of oreos in a ziplock and mash the shit out of it

2. Stir them into 2 spoonfuls of melted butter in a bowl and then press into a springform pan.

3. Pick your favourite cheesecake recipe (you're not allowed mine, remember)

4. Roughly chop half of another packet of oreos and stir them into the cheesecake mix. Bake as usual.

5. Await ugly-sexy godliness.

P.S. Don't literally go all American Pie and have sex with the cheesecake. It's disrespectful. You should honour and accept a cake's boundaries and religious beliefs. Except for bundt cake...that just seems called for.

White Chocolate Carrot Cake

2011-08-11T09:01:00.000-07:00

For those of you that follow me on facebook, you'll know how I feel about this whole 'riot' situation.
I think it's very important to articulate both sides of an argument in a calm and detailed, nonbiased fashion when dealing with these sorts of affairs.
I feel that I conveyed this powerfully over the weekend:

Honestly though, the fact that people can have such little respect for the place they live in and the people they live amongst really says a lot about how far society has regressed.
The whole thing was just a little too Lord of the Flies for me, except with a little less of a homosexual undertone...

I feel like it's safe to say it's over so I can FINALLY go out tonight again, even if it is with Toni Enright.
We've been so bored staying in all this time, we ended up sending eachothers pictures to a TV dating line.
And unfortunately have been recieving things to this effect all day...

Awkward..
CARROT CAKE
I have once again decided to dedicate a cake to one of my hair faux pas.
You can only imagine the damage I'm about to show you from the title.

Shit got crazy. It was the first time I understood what it was to be told you have no soul. (actually that's not true, but we're talking hair wise here)

Anyhow, carrot cake seems fitting for this one. Because I looked like a big fat carrot cake.

RECIPE

Ingredients:

300 soft light brown sugar

3 eggs

300ml sunflower oil

300g plain flour

2tsp baking powder

1 tsp ground cinnamon

1 tsp ground ginger

1 tsp nutmeg

1 tsp vanilla extract

300g carrots, grated

Cream cheese frosting

100g white chocolate, melted

1. Preheat oven to 170C. Mix the sugar eggs and oil, then slowly add the flour baking powder and spices.

2. Stir in the grated carrots, pour into prepared caked tins. Cook for 20/25mins.

3. Mix up icing sugar, butter, cream cheese and milk, varying quantities until smooth and thick. Add the melted chocolate as well as some cinnamon and nutmeg.
4. Using a palette knife, sandwich the two cooled cake layers together and frost with the cream cheese frosting.

Decorate as desired!

Wagermuffins.

2011-08-08T10:38:00.000-07:00

Today is Ariella Wagerman's birthday, and so I am bestowing on her the huge honour of naming the best muffins anyone has ever made after her.

I think I'm morealess over my fear of muffins (although not the blueberry kind...they just seem like they have an agenda)

Ariella is one of my oldest friends and I see her for about 40 seconds every few months, but that's ok because we have a deep bond. The sort of bond that you get with a girl who gropes you in their sleep and then tries to avoid talking about it after.
Also, the girls face doesn't change. Ever. Here's our oldest and newest photos:

Here are some embarrassing facts about Wagerman.
1. She is a raging Harry Potter fan.

2. She is an AWFUL drunk.
3. She can never watch the X factor the same way again...
4. She nearly died. And I nearly died listening to the 3 hour long story.
5. Due to a camera swap faux pas, many more people have seen her topless than she would've liked.

Time to talk about MUFFINS.

These muffins are oh so amazing. I don't know if Ariella likes muffins, I don't care either.
Everyone likes these muffins.
They are maple and pecan, and they taste like a delicious Canadian man covered in syrup.

Here's the recipe:

Ingredients:
350g flour
160g sugar
2 tsp baking powder
pinch of salt
300ml milk
1 egg
70g melted butter
200g maple syrup
100g shelled pecans

1. Preheat oven to 170C. Mix the flour, sugar, baking powder and salt in a bowl.
2. In a jug, whisk up the egg and milk, then stir into the batter.
3. Follow this with the melted butter and 100g of the maple syrup, stir in. (try not to eat batter)

4. Stir in the pecans, then spoon into muffin cases and drizzle with remaining maple syrup.

5. Cook for 20 mins, they should be bouncy to the touch and moist.

SO DAMN YUMMY.

*In other news, some has excitingly followed my peanut butter muffin recipe. Yay! These are Daniel Levin's:

Anyone else who trusts me enough to try out one of these recipes - send it to mee!

Banana S'more Cupcakes

2011-08-07T11:51:00.000-07:00

*before I start talking about myself, this needs to be said. These cupcakes are UNBELIEVABLE. You can't even understand. Just give them a chance.*

Today has been a very hungover day indeed.
I'm starting to worry that this blog in itself will provoke AA meeting invitations, but in truth I'm not a big fat alcoholic I just love to blog on lazy mornings after going out. And I'm a total lightweight.
I blame my parents for this entirely.
Ever since I can remember, my parents have told me alcohol is the cure for everything.
If I had a stomach ache, my dad gave my brandy.
The other day I insisted I didn't want to go out for dinner with a sore throat and temperature, and my mum assured me that a Mojito would be a good idea.
Even recently I tried to take some paracetamol, only to realise that there was no water to take it with. My dad replied 'what are you talking about, there's scotch right here.'

My parents really aren't crackheads, but they just love the juice. Who knows.

I woke up today with glitter all over my face and assumed that I had finally turned into a fairy and that Peter Pan and I could run away together but then that it might not work out because he always gives all his attention to that ungrateful Wendy cow who literally arrives on his turf, and then takes ALL his friends back to freaking London, so he's alone in Neverland with some cunt who wants to hook his guts out but secretly has a big fat gay crush on him. Sorry...I take issue with parts of Peter Pan.

So it turned out I wasn't a fairy, which is fine in the long run considering complications shown above.

I had a lovely cup of tea and a french macaroon and then Jessy asked if I wanted to get high, make cakes and watch pretty little liars. I thought, well that's what I was planning anyways, so definitely.

This is Jessy:

She technically belongs to my sister, but I like her too so I'm allowed to play with her.
Jessy and I collaborated different cupcakes to make a whole new special cupcake, and Stephanie pouted because she didn't get to hold a cookery book.
(if you don't remember who Stephanie is, she's the posessive person from the best cupcake in the entire world)

Here's what stingo jessy and I came up with:

FOR THE SPONGE
80g butter
280g caster sugar
200g plain flour
40g cocoa powder
1tbsp baking powder
1 tsp salt
2 eggs
240ml milk
2 bananas
Chocolate sprinkles
5 digestive biscuits

FOR THE TOPPING
200g caster sugar
4 egg whites
100g chocolate

1. Mix together the dry ingredients and butter

2. Mix the eggs and milk in a jug and mix into batter

3. Mush up the bananas and then mix them into the batter

4. Pour into cupcake cases 3/4 the way up
5. Sprinkle the chocolate on top of the cupcakes, then put the digestives in a ziplock bag and mash them with a rolling pin, sprinkling half of them on top of the cupcakes
6. Cook for 20mins at 170C

7. While the cupcakes are cooling, whisk together the egg whites and in a saucepan heat up the sugar with 150ml of water and let boil for 5 mins, then carefully pour into the fluffy egg whites and keep mixing until shiny and firm
8. Using a knife, spread the meringue onto the cupcakes creating spikes and waves.

9. Put under a grill for a few seconds to create golden peaks.
10. Sprinkle with remaining digestive crumbs, then stick a piece of chocolate on top for decoration.

Peanut Butter Mini Muffins

2011-08-05T09:23:00.000-07:00

I have to confess, I have always been ~~just a little bit~~ a lot afraid of muffins.
I think it's the fear of the unknown.
What are they? Are they a cake? Or a bread?
WHAT DO THEY WANT?!
Why are people putting ham in them?
It's all too much for me.

I tried watching this video, but it definitely made me more afraid.

Even as they're sitting in my oven right now rising up like little peanutty nazis I'm afraid of them.
(I know, I'm selling them so well)

Its been a standard boring Friday, my family likes to keep Shabbat very traditional, so we have family night. This of course means happy hour, followed by dinner, followed by a zoot infront of the TV.

I decided it was time to make muffins, as they seemed to be the simplest thing in my hummingbird book.

Here it goes, peanut butter muffins
(you should know that as I'm typing this, I still don't know what they will turn out like. I'm sneakily adding pictures later, so at this stage I'm as clueless as you)

Ingredients:
2 cups flour
1/4 cup sugar
3 teaspoons baking powder
1 teaspoon salt
1 cup peanut butter
2 eggs
1 cup of milk

1. Sift together all the dry ingredients

2. Mix in the peanut butter

3. Mix together the eggs and milk in a jug, then mix into batter until smooth.

Super easy.
Bake for 25mins on 180C and watch the little fuckers grow.
I'm still waiting....really bored
They've got huge, like little volcanos.

While I'm waiting,
happy shark week everyone!!!
No? Me neither..
Apparently it's some thing on the discovery channel where they only focus on sharks all week...I don't understand why that would be enjoyable.
It sounds fucking scary. Almost as scary as muffins.

You should watch this video on the topic by my favourite person on youtube, Jenna Marbles. She's hilarious.

My muffins are out now.

Dipped Loveheart Shortbread

2011-08-04T04:27:00.000-07:00

For all those interested, I have had a very messy morning.

I was up all night watching the best movie in the world, Pretty in Pink.

For all those that haven't seen it, do so now. No one does angsty teen like Molly Ringwald with her second hand clothes and awkward lip biting. But it works.

Kristen Stewart's tried it, but she just looks constipated and confused all day long.

Why is she so fucking bored?! The girl is on the red carpet and it looks like she's in Sainsbury's trying to work out if she needs eggs or not. Someone needs to show that girl what her boyfriend looks like - might perk her up a bit.

- also this has to be pointed out 'oooh look at me I'm wearing converse on the red carpet, I'm so down to earth' FUCK OFF. Your Yigal Azrouel dress probably cost more than 100 pairs of converse. (although lusm the Israelis) He should be dressing me instead, and I will wear his dress in Tel Aviv WITH SOME HEELS. LIKE A HUMAN BEING WHO DOESN'T LIVE INSIDE THEIR OWN BUM.

^sorry that was the biggest tangent in the whole world.

Pretty in Pink. The best thing about it other than Molly Ringwald is Jon Cryer. (you know that guy from Two and a Half Men) Well I wish he had never turned into Alan Harper because him as Duckie is the best thing ever. He's amazing, and his hair is fantastic. This is the best clip of him, paying tribute to my favourite man in the world.

You can't not smile when you're watching that. Also love how Molly is wearing a sofa.

SO BACK TO MY MORNING.

I was up all night, as I've informed you, and then woken up freaking early to be accused of thieving by my mother. Only by the time I managed to get back into bed and drift off the woman comes into my room all 'Oops, just realised you weren't lying. Sorry :)'

In the end I had to just give up on trying to sleep.

I came downstairs to find my new nose ring in the post, which was obviously very exciting...until I realised I had no idea how to put it in, let alone take the other one out.

I seeked advice on youtube from this charming lady:

SO pretty!

In the end I managed to fangle the thing out of my nose, only to fumble around with the packaging for the new one that the hole pretty much closed up.
What with having the most sensitive nose in North West London, trying to re-pierce it was NOT FUN. My face became a crime scene.

After this long ordeal, I decided to go downstairs and fix myself a lemon tea (which may or may not have had some scotch in it) Ok it was just scotch. With some lemon. Gotta get the 5 a day. I DESERVED IT I WAS IN PAIN.

So there I sat squatting in the only dry part of my rainy garden with a bloody nose, hot scotch situation and a cigarette. All was nearly right in the world (except for a felt like a homeless crackhead) until the creepy gardener arrived and started telling me about his weekend at the Mayfair Club. The man needs to stop trying to convince me he's straight, it's not happening.

So here I am, a little drunk, bloody and feeling awkward while creepy gardener watches me eating my shortbread through the window.

So FINALLY here is the recipe for it. I promise you, it is really very good (and addictive)

Ingredients:

130g butter

150g plain flour

60g caster sugar

a pinch of salt

1. Cream the butter and sugar together til light and fluffy, then add the flour and salt and mix with hands until it is doughy.

2. Press into molds, or if you don't have any into a large springform pan. Cook in 170C oven for 25mins.

3. Remove from molds (or cut into squares if in a pan) and heat up some chocolate or candy melts.

4. Get some sprinkles into a cup, and prepare to dip the shortbread into the candy melts (or chocolate) then into the sprinkles, the onto a piece of foil.

They should turn out a little something like this:

Here's one my mum tried to get her hands on:

Standard woman. Picks it up, eats a little bit, put's it back so it's like the calories never happened.

BUH BYE NOW

Slutty McBakerson makes a Key Lime Pie

2011-08-02T07:33:00.000-07:00

I've had a very slutty day of baking today. In my defence it's hot as shit in this country, but nonetheless my Key Lime Pie has seen me in a bikini and we hardly know each other.

Here I am doing some slutty whisking.

I'm so saucy. They should put me on page 3 of Baked & Delicious. My hair and make-up were expertly done by the team at L'Oreal Paris. (but you get that, because I look so fine)

While we're here, I'm going to bravely address an issue that affects many women across the UK and Ireland. SIDEARM PEOPLE.
Not everyone had a sidearm complex, my side arm is another girls underbum, or maybe someone's upchin or sidehip. All girls have this one thing in a photo that is evil and can't be controlled, and usually they're the only one who sees it.

But now you're looking at my sidearm.

And now I feel uncomfortable and want to wear pillowcases on my arms forever. Maybe Cath Kidston ones...pretty...with the little polka dots or something...

I know some people that have really fantastic sidearms. Danielle Woolf is the master, Lottie Lauder is pretty fantastic too. Alex Skolnick has really good sidearm, except her armpit genuinely looks like a vagina.

I couldn't have possibly digressed more from Key Lime Pie if it was possible. I apologise. It's just all very exciting and overwhelming at times. This happens to be the best I can do on a hungover day where I can't feel my feet.

KEY LIME PIE

Ingredients:

Zest and Juice of 5 limes (plus extra zest for decorating)

2 cans of condensed milk

8 egg yolks

A packet of digestives

200g butter

Double cream

1. Mash up the digestives in a ziplock bag with a rolling pin (just imagine something that makes you angry, I like to think of when people wear cut off leggings with the lacey bit), melt the butter and stir it in, then push into the bottom and sides of a greased pie tin.

2. Slowly whisk the limes, condensed milk and yolks and the mix will naturally thicken.

3. Pour the mixture into the crusted pie tin, and put in the oven on 150C for 20mins.

4. Leave to set in the fridge for 1hr and then whisk some double cream to spread on top. Sprinkle with remaining lime zest.

Snickerdoodle Cookies for Zoe

2011-08-01T10:26:00.000-07:00

Snickerdoodle Cookies have nothing at all to do with Zoe. I don't think she's even heard of a snickerdoodle, because she's Japanese.
This is Zoe, she has a headache:

She is a professional model.
This is her modelling for McQueen:

Zoe is having a post dedicated to her because she finally read this blog for the first time today, and also I'm bored.
Hopefully she'll have time to read it, she'll be doing god knows what all over the manor.
Here are some facts about Zoe, for all that don't know her:
1. She eats her own clothes
2. She doesn't have a TV
3. She lives in the heath with a dog with no face
4. She denies having bumsex in a tent
5. She loves me and Essie (of Essie Brownies) more than anything...even though her brother told me that I'm not her best friend and also called me a scary prostitute. To be fair, I was wearing this when he made that judgement:

BACK TO SNICKERDOODLE COOKIES

These cookies are really great, I actually didn't want to try one when I first made them because I was full and couldn't be bothered, but then it turned out they were amazing. Really soft and chewy and the cinnamon makes them really flavoursome and tasty.

Here's how it's done:

Ingredients:
60g butter
160g caster sugar
1/4 tsp vanilla
1 egg
240g plain flour
3/4 tsp cream of tartar
1/2 tsp bicarb soda
1/4 tsp salt
1/2 tsp cinnamon

Method:
1. Cream the butter and sugar, then add vanilla and egg and mix thoroughly
2. Sift in all the dry ingredients
3. Roll dough into a ball, and fridge for 40 mins, preheat the oven to 170C

4. Make little balls the size of walnuts and roll them around in a mix of caster sugar and cinnamon, then spread out on a baking tray, cook for 13 mins

Red Velvet Whoopie Pies

2011-08-01T05:48:00.000-07:00

What is a 'whoopie pie' you ask?
Well I don't know. At all.
I just wikipedia'd, it turns out they can't really explain it either. Cunts.
Although they informed me that Amish men's wives used to put them in their lunchboxes and the men shouted 'whoopie!' upon discovering them.
...Amish men seem so content, I want a boyfriend that cheers when I cook.
My boyfriend cheers when he throws a phone or lighter at me and I catch it. This has happened once, and it was half sarcastic because I fell over in the catching process.

He's angry that I haven't put a photo of him up on this blog,

so here he is:

He's not much to look at, but I'm not shallow.
I accept him just as I will accept our beautiful caramel children.

Back to Whoopie Pies.
I've made all kinds of whoopie pies, and I'll share the rest with you later on, but I'm starting off with Red Velvet.
This is in honour of my current hair choice, as I'm going for one of these:

So far a good handful of children have asked me if I caught on fire, while my mum reacted with 'WHY DO YOU DO THESE THINGS?!' while my dad laughed in the background. Someone really needs to show that woman Crimewatch, or at least Jersey Shore.
On top of this, some charming French women sitting opposite me on the train yesterday discussed in length whether or not they liked 'les cheveaux de flammes'.
That's ok though, because I like it, for this week at least.
I might start dedicating cakes to hair experiments(errors) i've made this year, stay tuned.

Enough about me and my extremely exciting hair that you care LOADS about, here's your recipe:

For the sponge:
120g butter
200g soft dark brown sugar
1 egg
120ml buttermilk
1 tsp vanilla essence
340g plain flour
2tbsp cocoa powder
1/2 tsp bicarbonate soda
1/2 tsp salt
30ml red food colouring

For the filling:
85g butter
150g icing sugar
80g cream cheese

1. Preheat the oven to 170C and grease 2 baking trays
2. Cream the butter and sugar until fluffy, add the egg
3. In a jug, mix the buttermilk and vanilla, and add to the mixture
4. Sift together flour, cocoa, bicarb and salt and add to the batter in 2 batches, mixing thoroughly
5. Add the red food colouring and mix, then leave the batter in the fridge for 20mins to set slightly
6. Using an ice cream scoop, spoon the mounds onto the tray and bake for 10-13mins
7. Mix the bitter and icing sugar, then the cream cheese and use it to sandwich together the fully cooled red velvet mounds

The best cupcake in the entire world.

2011-07-28T06:49:00.000-07:00

First a little backstory:

My sister is a VERY possessive person.

There is actually a home video of us as toddlers, from when I first learnt to stand holding myself up by the rails of the cot I was in, and Stephanie got jealous and knocked me down.

A crapload of years later she is still the same, I mentioned the other day 'Oh, I met Casey's sister she's really nice.'
BIG MISTAKE
This was followed by a lot of 'oh well why don't you just marry her' and resulted in her mouthing I LOVE YOU to Casey next time she came over in the hopes of provoking the same sisterly jealousy. Fucking nutbag. It doesn't help that Casey's also a nutbag, and ended up near hyperventilating over the whole thing.

In true Stephanie style, since I started this blog I got this on my facebook:

Charming.

So here goes a dedication to my lovely sister:

Salted Caramel Cupcakes:

Steph came back from Selfridges yesterday with an alleged Lola's salted caramel cupcake. In my usual modest way, I backed down and said that it sounded lovely and I probably shouldn't even attempt it.

Fuck that.

I marched straight to the kitchen and said Lola's can suck my dick. My mum who struggles with the concept of a Lola's already found the whole thing very unnerving. I can't express to you in words how amazing these cupcakes taste, they are INCREDIBLE. The salty and sweet is just the best thing that will ever happen to you.

Here's the recipe I put together:

Ingredients:

80g unsalted butter softened

280g caster sugar

240g plain flour

1 tbsp baking powder

1/4 tsp salt

240ml whole milk

1/2 tsp vanilla essence

2 large eggs

150g tinned caramel or dulce de leche

Frosting:

500g icing sugar

160g unsulted butter

50ml whole milk

100g tinned caramel

1. Preheat the oven to 190 C (375 F). Gas mark 5 and line a muffin tin with muffin cases.

2. Using a hand-held electric whisk or a freestanding electric mixer with the paddle attachment, whisk together the butter, sugar , flour, baking power and salt on a low speed until crumb-like in consistency.

3. Place the milk and vanilla essence in a jug with the eggs and whisk by hand until combined. Pour three quarters of this mixture into the dry ingredients and mix together on a slow speed, then increase the speed to medium and keep beating until smooth and thick. Scrape down sides of the bowl, then add the remaining milk mixture and the tinned caramel and continue to mix until all the ingredients are incorporated and the batter is smooth.

- at this point, i slyly used Starbucks caramel syrup, it gives a slight coffee taste but is really strong and delicious.

4. Spoon into cupcake cases and cook for 20mins

5. Make frosting by combining all ingredients until smooth and thick

*6. On top of the icing, I decided to add some homemade caramel drizzle. I did so by heating up half a cup of caster sugar on the hob until it turned golden brown. I then quickly added a cup of butter and whisked it in, then half a cup of heavy cream. I waited for this to cool, and then drizzled it over the icing on the cupcakes, followed by a sprinkling of sea salt and sparkles to give a sweet and salty pretzel like kick.

OM NOM NOM.

Just to finish off the dedication to my sister, here's a little something to embarrass her:

Shier's Fondant Eclairs

2011-07-27T07:32:00.000-07:00

This post is dedicated to one of my favourite people in the world:

Jokes. It's for Shier, but I knew that would make her really uncomfortable.

^ This is us getting ready to go to Hi Sushi. She looks like someone has date rape drugged her, but that's ok.
Shier is having a post dedicated to her for these reasons:
1. She is the only one who understands why Carrie shouldn't be with Aidan but also shouldn't be with Big
2. One day she's going to marry a rich Israeli gazillionaire and I'd like to still be friends with her then
3. She has a really superb bum
4. Her neck gets sore...because her brain is so big

So Shier's a great hostess (but not as good as me) and one time she had people over and we both decided to make eclairs, it was epic. Nothing satisfies a stoner more than a desert they can't quite understand.

Here's how it's done:
(this is totally copy and pasted, I'm not going to bother pretending I invented an eclairs recipe)

Ingredients:

creme pastissiere
50g plain flour
350ml milk
15g butter
½ vanilla pod
1 lemon, grated zest and juice
5 large egg yolks
90g caster sugar

decoration
250g fondant icing sugar
1 tbsp pasteurised egg white
1 tbsp icing sugar
½ lemon, grated zest

pastry
2 large eggs, beaten
65g plain flour
50g butter

Method

Mark up the tray: Grease and flour a baking tray lightly. Then, for equal-sized eclairs, use a ruler to measure parallel lines, 10cm apart, marking them with a finger. Repeat, leaving a large gap between the tramlines. This should give you a guideline for piping out the pastry.

Make the pastry: Preheat the oven to 220C/gas 7. Put the butter and 150ml water in a pan on a medium heat until the butter melts and the water starts to boil furiously. Take the pan off the heat at once and add the flour and a pinch of salt. Beat vigorously with a wooden spoon, until the mixture is smooth and no longer sticks to the edges of the pan. Leave to cool in a bowl until barely warm, then gradually add the eggs, beating well after each addition. You may not need all the egg: to test for the right consistency, flick a spoonful – it should flop hesitantly off the end.

Bake the eclairs: Put the mixture into a piping bag with a 1.5cm round nozzle. Pipe eight 10cm-long eclairs between each set of markings. Cook for 20 minutes, until golden (don’t open the oven for the first 12 minutes). Pierce each with a skewer to let out any steam; cool on a wire rack.

Prepare the filling: Meanwhile, make the crème patissière. Whisk the yolks and sugar together until pale and creamy. Mix in the flour. Bring the milk up to a boil in a pan; slowly add it to the egg mixture, whisking continuously. Rinse out the pan, then return the mix to it with the butter. Cook over a medium heat, whisking continuously until it boils. It is important to boil it for 1–2 minutes to cook out the flour and thicken the mixture. Cool in a bowl, covered with clingfilm. Divide the mixture in three. Add vanilla seeds, rose water and lemon zest and juice to each respective bowl.

Stuff the eclairs: To fill the eclairs, pipe some crème patissière in through the skewered hole or slice through the bottom of each one lengthwise to fill them – if you use this method, you can fill the eclairs with a spoon, rather than piping in the crème patissière.

Ice the buns: Mix the sifted fondant sugar with 2-21/2 tbsp water until thick but just spoonable. Split between three bowls and add a drop of food colouring to one and red to another. Spoon over the eclairs. Brush the rose petals with the egg white and scatter with the sugar. Use these and the lemon zest to decorate. Leave to set for about 30 minutes.

Also - FUCK THE ROSE PETALS. We're making eclairs here, not a pretentious fountain of retardedness.

Vanilla Butter Birthday Cake

2011-07-27T07:00:00.000-07:00

Today's cake was made for the lovely grandma of this awful person Joe Gaus.

Grandma Carol Ann insisted on pink and girly which I was more than happy to hook her up with.
Last time I made one of these was for my art teacher Hannah at our end of year exhibition. Life became only mildly awkward when the head teacher praised me for the first time about accomplishing something pretty (while at an exhibition that my work was displayed at) and his wife told me to open up a bakery instead of going to university.
THANKS BABES - ONLY JUST SPENT THE PAST MONTH DOING A LEVELS TO GO STUDY CLASSICS. AT YOUR SCHOOL. BABES.
I will send her a Trojan horse cake, and instead of Greeks pouring out there will be revenge. Mark my words.
(wow I'm such a psycho loser...I shouldn't be allowed to blog/live)

Anyway back to cake.
It was so much fun making this cake for Joe's lovely grandma, and it came out so fluffy and perfect.
Here's how it's done:

Ingreds:

4 large eggs (separated)

3 1/2 cups sifted cake flour

4 teaspoons baking powder

1/2 teaspoon salt

1 cup (227 g) unsalted butter, at room temperature

2 cups granulated sugar, divided

2 teaspoons pure vanilla extract

1 cup milk (room temperature)

1/4 teaspoon cream of tartar

Buttercream:

1 cup (227 g) unsalted butter, softened

6 cups icing sugar (confectioners’)

120 ml whipping cream

2 tablespoons pure vanilla extract

1 tablespoon water

pinch of salt

(mix all together)

Preheat the oven to 177C

1. In a medium bowl, combine the flour, baking powder and salt, set aside.

2. Cream the butter first, then add 1 1/2 cups of the sugar and beat until light and fluffy. Then mix in the egg yolks and vanilla.

3. With the mixer on low speed, alternate between the milk and flour mix, starting and ending with the flour to keep it smooth.

4. In a separate bowl, whisk up the egg whites until medium stiff peaks form. Then add the cream of tartar, whisk, then add the sugar and whisk further.

5. Pour this meringue mix into the original mix and fold through so it is light and airy.

6. Pour mixture into greased pans and cook for appx 25 mins.

7. Leave to fully cool, then remove from pans, wrap in cling film and freeze for 35 mins. (this makes icing easier)

8. Sandwich the two layers together on a cake board with buttercream and jam.

9. Cover the outside with frosting, and decorate as desired.

Done!

You can decorate any which way you want, i chose the roses round the side because I wanted to include names, it can also be very pretty if you swirl on roses all over:

Macaroons for Adrien

2011-07-26T07:56:00.000-07:00

I've been making french macaroons morealess non stop since I fell in love with Lorraine Pascale and she showed me how.
Since then they've become Paris' answer to the lola's cupcake and they literally taste like heaven.

It turns out I've been using them as apology presents ever since, once for my friend who's birthday I erm...forgot (no biggy only known her 6 years) and another time for my English teacher as a mutual understanding that homework just plain wasn't going to happen and also to check if he's in love with me. He isn't. He should be.

I made a batch yesterday for my obese friend Mary:

Unfortunately her boyfriend Adrien who only remembered me as 'the girl who called him a homosexual' got involved in the whole thing too. I didn't really want him to try one, because he's a real live French person - not like the kind of fake French person that I pretended to be last night to stop a 4ft tall Iranian man from rubbing his nylon suit against me...blech

Adrien seemed to like them, and insisted that I give him the recipe. Not in the morning, not when I get a chance. NOW. He explained to me that I had some free time on my hands. He also yelled at me for not accepting the whole French 'kiss on two cheeks' situation. Very forceful Frenchman, but he calls Mary 'my love' all the time so I can't not like him.

So Adrien, here's your recipe:

Ingredients:
125g icing sugar
125g ground almonds
40g egg whites
110g caster sugar
50g egg whites

1. Combine icing sugar, almonds and 40g egg whites (roughly one egg, depending on your chosen chickens vagina capacity) and colour accordingly.

2. In a separate bowl, whisk 50g egg whites until medium stiff peaks form (there should be a soft little triangle on the bottom of your whisk) Add caster sugar and whisk until stiff peaks form.

3. Fold egg white mixture into original mixture (but don't overmix) and fill into a piping bag. Pipe cute little circles and leave to stand for 30min while they develop a skin. Meanwhile, preheat the oven to 150C.

4. Put in the oven for 8-10 minutes, and then once out and cooled remove from parchment paper/greased pan with a knife.

5. Whip up some double cream or ganache of your preference and sandwich the pieces together.

* you can vary the flavours, e.g. the ones below are salted caramel - same recipe but with a splash of caramel and a pinch of sea salt in the cream and base

You can't have this cheesecake recipe.

2011-07-25T07:26:00.000-07:00

This fucker is the holy grail of all cheesecakes. I'm not even joking or being arrogant. Actually to be fair I am being arrogant, but it's fine.

So basically, I'm not giving up this recipe, I'm just boasting. Anyone that's ever tried this cheesecake knows what I'm talking about, although last time I made it no one got the chance...cos I ate it all...in 2 days...

You only really see my extremely abusive side when it comes to cheesecake. My very best friend Mike knows about this, as he kindly brought me some cheesecake he made the other day and I insisted it was wrong. Because it wasn't this ^. I'm a horrible person. It turns out he's the only one who is allowed to know about this recipe.

You may be judging by the grandma plate and messy cut in the middle that this cheesecake is being overhyped, it isn't.
Speaking of grandmas, mine isn't allowed this recipe and has been known to skulk around the kitchen when she comes over looking for it. Sneaky minx.

Seeing as I'm refusing to give you (or my sweet, mildly racist grandma) this recipe, I will share with you the recipe for my nails this week. They are VERY exciting.

Never done a crossword in my life, I'm pretty convinced I don't know the rules - but wear a crossword? That I can do.
Super easy.
1. Paint nails a very light colour
2. Wait for them to dry, then dip them in a shotglass of vodka
3. Cut a strip of newspaper (it can be anything you want, not neccessarily crossword) and lay it on top of the nail
4. Peel off, top coat and you look like a FUCKING GENIUS.

Thats all folks
xx

Olivia Jane's Cakes and Things

Red Velvet Cupcakes

Tiramisu Cupcakes

Strawberries & Cream Cheesecake

Surprisingly non - disgusting Cardamom Loaf

Pina Colada Cupcakes

Adorable Owl Cupcakes

Boob Cake

Salted Caramel 'Mo Cake

Hummingbird's Malted Chocolate Cupcakes

Churrrrrrrrrrros

Red Velvet & Cream Cheese Brownies

The Ugly-Sexy Cheesecake

White Chocolate Carrot Cake

Wagermuffins.

*Banana S'more Cupcakes*

Peanut Butter Mini Muffins

Dipped Loveheart Shortbread

Slutty McBakerson makes a Key Lime Pie

Snickerdoodle Cookies for Zoe

Red Velvet Whoopie Pies

The best cupcake in the entire world.

Shier's Fondant Eclairs

Method

Vanilla Butter Birthday Cake

Macaroons for Adrien

You can't have this cheesecake recipe.

Banana S'more Cupcakes