Olympic Wit - Funny Olympic Quotes

Funny Olympics Quotes at London 2012 Closing Ceremony

2012-08-14T01:00:00.000+01:00

BEST OF LONDON 2012 OLYMPIC GAMES

CLOSING CEREMONY QUOTES / TWEETS

Michael Billington in The Guardian
How do you review an Olympics closing ceremony? I'm not sure you can, especially when it is a mix of pageant, pop-concert, street-party and presentation ceremony ... You can't really review a show like this. You can only describe it.

Andy Borowitz‏ @BorowitzReport on Twitter
The goal of the Olympics is to inspire us about what humans can achieve, and the goal of the closing ceremony is to return us to reality.

Melissa Bell on Washington Post.com
The show stops for the younger prince’s entrance. He looks slightly nervous. The camera only barely catches sight of his seatmate, Duchess Catherine. Where’s James Bond and a helicopter when you need him?

Time Out magazine
John Lennon’s plea for us to ‘imagine there’s no countries’ shouldn’t be the Olympics theme song

Wheeling Problems ‏@wheelingprobs (aka @stefanbeyer8) on Twitter
London not using Adele in the #ClosingCeremony is like the USA Basketball team not using LeBron.

Greg Baum in the Sydney Morning Herald
With apologies to Sydney, they might just represent a new PB for the Olympics.

Will Smith ‏@willsmithuk on Twitter
This is like the small hours of Children In Need. It will end with the BBC weather team singing "We Are The Champions".

Bernadette McNulty in The Daily Telegraph
Where Boyle’s Isles of Wonder had set the tone for Britain to take collective pride in a modern vision of itself, falling back on the old familiars was in danger of plonking us back in the music-by-committee-feel of the Jubilee concert. If Cliff Richard were to have dropped by on a double decker bus, dressed in tweed and eating a cream tea we would have known that the exciting glimpse of a new kind of Britishness we’d had this month was really over.

Zach Braff ‏@zachbraff on Twitter
I really hope this closing ceremony impresses McKayla Maroney.

Leora Arnowitz & Rafer Guzman on Newsday.com
Oh lord, it's Jessie J. England, why would you inflict her upon the world? Couldn't the vinyl octopus devour her instead so she doesn't have to make that squeaking sound any more?

Jasper Rees on BBC.co.uk
Vehicles and citizenry were wrapped in newsprint, a message for the nabobs of China clearly legible - we operate a free press round these parts.

Anthony Richardson‏ @AmhRichardson on Twitter
Closing Ceremony should've been a Dad's Army style 'You have been watching' followed by a picture and caption of every single athlete.

Troy Rawhiti-Forbes in The New Zealand Herald
If the opening ceremony showcased the history of British grit and the evolution of its popular culture, then today's grand finale showed us Great Britain as we know it. So there we go. It's all over. The London Olympics signed off today in a triumphant fashion, talking about our generation.

Dr Tim Stanley in The Daily Telegraph
I was pleased to see that the Spice Girls are all still alive. The ladies arrived in taxi cabs, which suggests they don’t quite qualify for a free bus pass yet.

DJ Qualls ‏@TheOnlyDJQualls on Twitter
I enjoyed the #ClosingCeremony, but was thrown by the lack of people wearing monocles.

Alexis Petridis in The Guardian
There were moments when you began to wonder if the Olympics were the only thing we had to hand over to Rio: could the Brazilians not be coerced into taking Russell Brand off our hands while they were about it?

Andy Dawson in The Mirror
It came to an end with what’s left of The Who being wheeled out. They’re seasoned veterans at these big events and their appearance was about as surprising as Ian Thorpe beginning a sentence with ‘Look….’

Emma Kennedy ‏@EmmaK67 on Twitter
So WHAT if the Closing Ceremony wasn't mind blowing? It's about the athletes and their achievements. Not bloody jazz hands

Compiled by Colin M Jarman aka Jarmageddon

Funny London 2012 Olympics Quotes by Comedians (Part Two)

2012-08-13T19:21:00.001+01:00

FUNNIEST LONDON 2012 OLYMPIC TWEETS

by COMEDIANS [Part Two]

Jeremy Hardy @JeremyJHardy
Special Olympic medal goes to our first athlete to say, "I'm not doing this for Cameron, Johnson or the fucking princes."

Rob Brydon @RobBrydon
These divers are out of my league. They're so much better than me it's embarrassing. I'd come last in this event. Probably wouldn't qualify.

Shappi Khorsandi @ShappiKhorsandi
Tried to compose a tweet about how inspiring I'm finding these Olympics. Can't. Please just know I am very emotional and love running :)

Marcus Brigstocke @marcusbrig
These gymblastics ladies are phenomenal. At least 4 of them have mastered the power of flight!

David Baddiel @Baddiel
Its only really during The Olympics that you see a lot of talcum powder on TV.

Graeme Garden @GraemeGarden1
Go GB Olympians! Thanks to our lousy wet summers and the high cost of our petrol we're evolving into a nation of swimmers and cyclists.

Danny Baker @prodnose
On balance I prefer to watch Olympics on TV rather than at the stadium. Stadium all snobbish about letting you lounge about in your pants.

Kate Robbins @KateRobbins
After Peter Wilson's stunning victory and Gold medal I hope there isn't a plan to get kids from inner city suburbs interested in shooting...

Michael McKean @MJMcKean
"I'm Ann Romney and I approve this dressage." #worksbetterifmispronounced

Sue Perkins @sueperkins
The next dancing horse is freestyling to Smack My Bitch Up, then we have the Dutch entry with Clapton's Wonderfoal Tonight #dressage

Mark Steel @mrmarksteel
I wonder if these triathlon brothers have a third brother, a lazy fucker who never gets out of bed before 2 in the afternoon

Jimmy Carr @jimmycarr
I'm sick of hearing olympians say how much work they've put in and "the sacrifices". What do you want, a bloody medal?

Miranda Hart @mermhart
Off to see Tom dive. If he wins Gold I will jump in the pool in my bra and pants. Then we'll see who should have the swimwear advert.

Bob Mortimer @RealBobMortimer
Looking at medals table.. there's a massive gulf between USA and Mexico

Funny London 2012 Olympics Quotes by Comedians (Part One)

2012-08-11T16:26:00.001+01:00

FUNNIEST LONDON 2012 OLYMPIC TWEETS

by COMEDIANS [Part One]

Jack Dee ‏@TheRealJackDee
Wrote to Danny Boyle offering my services for the opening ceremony but heard nothing back. 10 mins on airline food? Oh well,his loss.

Peter Serafinowicz‏ @serafinowicz
"And Sir Steve Redgrave passes the torch to... Ronald McDonald"

Alan Davies ‏@alandavies1
Is there going to be an Opening Ceremony 2 ?

Danny Baker‏ @prodnose
Looks chilly for start of men's kayak. And you can't have your kayak and heat it! You been great folks - stand by for The New Seekers!

Dara O Briain ‏@daraobriain
At the diving the Chinese lady is so far ahead she might have qualified with a dive to spare. Time for an epic belly bomb.

Frankie Boyle ‏@frankieboyle
I'd add an element of strategy to the 100 metres by building a brick wall across the finish line #Olympics2012

Tony Cowards ‏@TonyCowards
Every time I see Olympic gymnast, Louis Smith, I keep thinking he's stolen Gary Oldman's hair from the film "The Fifth Element". #TeamGB

Conan O'Brien ‏@ConanOBrien
The Olympics are being streamed online, so last night at 3 a.m. I tried to convince my wife I was on the computer watching archery.

Jack Whitehall ‏@jackwhitehall
Blake and Bolt have quite a lot of homo eroticism going on. like a cool Jamaican version of Maverick and Goose.

John O'Farrell ‏@mrjohnofarrell
US paper refuses to print word 'gay'; used find-and-replace; called sprinter 'Tyson Homosexual'.

Part Two to follow soon ...

Funny Olympics Tweets - free download from Olympic Wit

2012-08-08T21:34:00.000+01:00

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Samual L Jackson Top Ten Tweets on London 2012 Olympic Games

2012-08-04T14:02:00.000+01:00

A selection of the best, funniest and craziest tweets from Hollywood superstar actor and total cool dude Samuel L Jackson Warning some choice language is used ...

Like I said before, those BRITS are some PEDALIN', RECORD BREAKIN', MUTHACYCLINPHUCCAS!! Congrats UK!

Volleygals Laying Waste to Serbia! Soooo NBC Could turn us on to another event...I'm just sayin'.

I wonder if these Trampoline dudes started on a round tramp in da backyard w/ a broke net around it?

PHELPS WALKS em' DOWN!!! Came & got that ASS! OLYMPIC RULER!! Last race Maggie!! MOSTMUFFAQUATICPFUQQAH of ALL TIME! GOLD!!! Go USA!

Men's Rapid Fire Pistol is Off da Chain! The glasses, da Gats...no Recoil! Steady hands & nobody's holdin' their shit SIDEWAYS!

Sorry! Dog eat Dog Ping Pong match! Ball scrapes edge of the table, blind Judge blows the call! Dude won Anyway! China vs China.

Well, Clary upstages Locte! So does a Japanese dude w/ a Jamaican name, Irie! Mo Gold!! Go USA!

OK, so the Russian almost busts her Ass a few times on the BEAM, Damn near FALLS on the dismount & OUR guy says PHENOMINAL?!

Okaaaay!!! NBC analyst Ato Boldon says he can STILL go 10.8 in the 100 meters, "probably as fast as the women"! I call BULLSHIT!

Did that Russian just do the "whoa Gurl Whut wuz in That Drank, dat Shit wuz Skrong" Vault landing?!

@SamuelLJackson on Twitter

If you think SLJ is outrageous commenting on London 2012, just wait for Rio 2016 when his fav sport golf is included!

Boris Johnson Olympic Quotes - London 2012

2012-08-01T20:11:00.000+01:00

London Mayor BORIS JOHNSON Olympic Quotes
BoJo's best quotes on London 2012 Olympic Games

After the local council pulled the plug on Bruce Springsteen and Paul McCartney playing 'Twist & Shout' in Hyde Park at a pre-Olympic concert...It sounds to me like an excessively efficacious decision ... If they'd have called me, my answer would have been for them to jam in the name of the Lord!

The excitement is growing so much I think the Geiger counter of Olympo-mania is going to go 'zoink' off the scale.

People are coming from around the world, and they're seeing us, and they're seeing the greatest country on Earth, aren't they?

There are some people who are coming from around the world who don't yet know about all the preparations we've done to get London ready in the last seven years. I hear there's a guy called Mitt Romney who wants to know whether we're ready. "Are we ready?"

When the opening ceremony begins, then a lot of these issues that we are currently discussing will melt away ... There is a bit of 'pre-curtain up' jitters and casting around for things to talk about.

On the rainy start to the Olympics in London...There are semi-naked women playing beach volleyball in the middle of the Horse Guards Parade immortalised by Canaletto. They are glistening like wet otters and the water is plashing off the brims of the spectators’ sou’westers.

On the extra-curricular sexual activities in the London 2012 Olympic Village..."Inspire a generation" is our motto. Not necessarily "Create a generation" ... which is what they sometimes get up to in the Olympic village.

On TeamGB's slow start to its home Olympic Games...I think we are showing great natural restraint and politeness as host nation in not hoarding the medals more so far.

Olympic Games Quotes of the Day - London 2012 Opening Ceremony

2012-07-28T11:59:00.001+01:00

LONDON 2012 OPENING CEREMONY
QUOTES OF THE DAY

We're a warm-up act for the real show coming up.

Danny Boyle - Opening Ceremony director

Whispers had hinted that the start of the London Olympics might be a little eccentric, a touch more tongue-in-cheek than others we have witnessed. What no-one expected was that it would be quite so gloriously daft, so cynicism-squashingly charming and - well, so much pinch-yourself fun.

Tom Fordyce on BBC.co.uk/sport

An architect of Beijing's ceremony once said that event had served Chinese food for the foreign palate, but Danny Boyle's banquet felt as deliciously indigestible to global tastes as Marmite or jellied eels. I loved it. We can't be worrying about how it went down in Moscow or Madagascar. I'm still reeling that a country that can put on a show that hilariously bonkers is allowed nuclear weapons.

Marina Hyde in The Guardian

On the diverse soundtrack to the Opening Ceremony...

It was as if a KTel music compilation had been given the biggest budget ever for a television ad. In the end though that didn’t really matter. If you can pull the Queen out of your sleeve you’ve won the game before it’s even halfway over.

Tom Sutcliffe in The Independent

They should've had Keith Richards light the Olympic flame by flicking a cigarette butt.

Scott Ostler (‏@scottostler) on Twitter

One small thing - would've liked Chas & Dave playing "Maybe it's because I'm a Londoner..." instead of Arctic Monkeys
Christian Radnedge (‏@CRadnedge_ATR) on Twitter

This was the surely the most joke-filled Olympics opening ceremony ever staged. After all, what else can a former imperial power do in its more or less dignified decline than have the good grace to laugh at itself? The Queen herself colluded in the national sport of humorous self-deprecation, and not even the most hardened republican could deny that she did it beautifully.

Charlotte Higgins in The Guardian

Fittingly it was left to a woman, Her Majesty the Queen, seemingly none the worse for her parachute glide, to declare the Games open.

David Owen on InsideTheGames.biz

I hope the Queen’s got a day off today.

Clare Balding (‏@clarebalding1) on Twitter

With its hilariously quirky Olympic opening ceremony, a wild jumble of the celebratory and the fanciful; the conventional and the eccentric; and the frankly off-the-wall, Britain presented itself to the world Friday night as something it has often struggled to express even to itself: a nation secure in its own post-empire identity, whatever that actually is.

Sarah Lyall in the New York Times

David Beckham has achieved many things in his sporting career. But no last minute free-kick for team GB could ever have matched the iconography of him escorting the Olympic flame by speedboat down the river Thames. Cool Britannia has never, and never will be, cooler.

Dan Hodges in The Daily Telegraph

Tonight we showed why were called GREAT Britain!! #BeProud one and all #TeamGB

Darren Campbell (‏@campbelldarren) on Twitter

I think London rocked the Olympics opening Ceremony. Beat that Rio. #london2012

GoTeamGB (‏@GoodLuckTeamGB) on Twitter

You’ve got to hand it to Danny Boyle. Under as much pressure to deliver as Usain Bolt, he held his nerve, and pulled it off. The opening ceremony to the 30th Olympiad was as wondrous and magical as he promised: a celebration of all that is best about Britain and all it has given the world.

Sarah Crompton in The Telegraph

Danny Boyle has just made the biggest, maddest, weirdest, most heartfelt and lovable dream sequence in British cinema history.

Peter Bradshaw in The Guardian

RT if you think Danny Boyle, thousands of volunteers & all associated with “Isles of Wonder” did us proud tonight #OpeningCeremony

Team GB (‏@TeamGB) on Twitter - generated over 38,000 retweets

Thank you, everyone, for your kind words! Means the world to me. Proud to be British.

Danny Boyle‏ (@DannyBoyleFilm) on Twitter

Opening ceremony: cost £27m; British viewers 26.9m. That's a quid each – a bargain. That's how the maths works, isn't it?

Simon Burnton‏ (@Simon_Burnton) on Twitter

London 2012 Olympics Thoughts for the Day

2012-07-27T14:59:00.004+01:00

BREAKING NEWS (18:00 hrs): Sir Roger Bannister to light Olympic Cauldron tonight and it will take him just under four minutes to do so.

Apparently, Mitt Romney is to the Summer Olympics what Eddie the Eagle Edwards is to the Winter Olympics: A short-sighted, figure of fun and a national embarrassment.

"After seven years of hard training, long nights at the gym & on the road, selfless sacrifice, a number of career-threatening injuries I am now in perfect condition for my big night at London 2012 - watching the Opening Ceremony at home with a few cans of Coors, some Nachos and a PapaJohn Pizza!"

Funniest Olympic Quotes Ever: No. 1 - Sabre Rattling

2012-07-26T07:38:00.001+01:00

No. 1 - JUL 26th: FENCE & FENCIBILITY
A lot of people don't like fencing because they don't understand the rules and terminology, but it's quite simple. Basically, there are four thrusts - the cartilage, the chaise longue, the aubergine and the fromage anglaise - and these in turn can be parried by four defensive feints - the pastiche, the penchant, the demitasse, and the salmon en croute. Scoring is on the basis of one point for a petite pois and two for a baguette. Points equally can be deducted for a foot fault, or pied a terre, and for a type of illegal lunge known as a zut alors. Actually, I don't have the faintest notion what goes on in fencing, but that's OK because this is the Olympics.
Bill Bryson in The Times (2000)

Funniest Olympic Quotes Ever: No. 2 - Basketball & Apple Pie

2012-07-25T07:15:00.002+01:00

No. 2 - JUL 25th: SHAKE'N'BAKE
The U.S. baseball team didn't make the tournament, and now the basketball team is rocked to its already shaky foundation. Please don't tell me that the U.S. baking team's apple-pie entry was eliminated in the prelims of the Cultural Olympics by a Dutch pecan strudel.
Scott Ostler in The San Francisco Chronicle (2004)

Funniest Olympic Quotes Ever: No. 3 - Ancient Olympic Philosophy

2012-07-24T07:34:00.003+01:00

No. 3 - JUL 24th: THE ORIGINAL STATMAN
Aristotle compiled the first known comprehensive list of all winners of the Olympic Games. Which means that quite probably he was sat in a bar with Plato, muttering, "Go on then, give me any year you like and I'll tell you who won the four-man bobsleigh."
Mark Steel in The Independent (2006)

Funniest Olympic Quotes Ever: No. 4 - Plate Competition

2012-07-23T07:21:00.000+01:00

No. 4 - JUL 23rd: FATS OF OLYMPIC LIFE
Anything a drunken fat guy in the pub can beat you at is not a sport, which is why darts and plate licking is not in the Olympics.
BEERHAZE (@Beerhaze) on Twitter

Funniest Olympic Quotes Ever: No. 5 - Flossed For Words

2012-07-22T10:53:00.000+01:00

No. 5 - JUL 22nd: JUST SAY "AAAH!"
The Olympics. Not a sport but several peculiar sports, each of which only commands your attention every four years, like a dental appointment.
Dan Jenkins

Funniest Olympic Quotes Ever: No. 6 - Friends Forever

2012-07-21T13:51:00.000+01:00

No. 6 - JUL 21st: LADY IN WAITING?
Monica: "Well, Wendy's more of a ... professional waitress."
Rachel: "Oh, I see. And I'm sort of maintaining my amateur status so that I can waitress in the Olympics."
in Friends: 'The One With The Stoned Guy' (1995)

Funniest Olympic Quotes Ever: No. 7 - Poker Athens 2004

2012-07-20T07:10:00.000+01:00

No. 7 - JUL 20th: ALL IN? NO! ALL OUT!!
On poker not making the Athens Olympics...
After all, the ribbon-waving rhythmic gymnasts are in. The shuttlecock-chasing badminton players are in. Even the ice-sweeping curlers are in. And poker's out? That's like throwing a party for mankind's greatest inventions and forgetting to invite indoor plumbing.
Poker.net (2004)

Funniest Olympic Quotes Ever: No. 8 - Dr Who Ancient Olympics

2012-07-19T07:00:00.000+01:00

No. 8 - JUL 19th: TIME-TRAVEL WAITS FOR NO MAN
The Doctor: It only seems like yesterday … a few Greek blokes were tossing a discus about, wrestling with each other in the sand and the crowd stood around ... no, wait a minute that was Club Med.
in Doctor Who: Fear Her (2005)

Funniest Olympic Quotes Ever: No. 9 - Swifter, Higher, Cleaner

2012-07-18T07:10:00.002+01:00

No. 9 - JUL 18th: CLEAN SWEEP
Niles (on his brother's new housekeeper Daphne): "Why did you have to hire Venus herself? Couldn't you have found some beefy, East European scrub woman who reeked of ammonia?"
Frasier: "Well, I asked, but it was an Olympic year. The agency was fresh out."
in Frasier: 'My Coffee With Niles' (1994)

Funniest Olympic Quotes Ever: No. 10 - Last Amateur Standing

2012-07-17T22:05:00.000+01:00

No. 10 - JUL 17th: PRO CHOICE OLYMPIAN
Now that the Olympics are irreversibly "pro", the last major human activity to adhere to the ethic of amateurism is parenting.
Harry Shearer (@theharryshearer) on Twitter

Funniest Olympic Quotes Ever: No. 11 - London Medal to the Pedal

2012-07-16T20:37:00.000+01:00

No. 11 - JUL 16th: RECYCLING BASE METAL
The 2012 Olympics is going to cost £8 billion which is a lot of money. It'll probably bankrupt London. But you can't put a price on two bronze medals in cycling.
Jimmy Carr

Funniest Olympic Quotes Ever: No. 12 - Team GB National Anthem

2012-07-15T20:35:00.000+01:00

No. 12 - JUL 15th: IFS, ANDS & BUTTS
Q. If the monarchy suddenly disbanded, which song would you want played at your gold medal ceremony instead of the National Anthem?
A. "Baby Got Back" by Sir Mix-a-lot.
Holly Lam-Moores - Team GB handball player on TimeOut.com (2012)

Funniest Olympic Quotes Ever: No. 13 - Beijing Medal Table

2012-07-14T21:33:00.000+01:00

No. 13 - JUL 14th: BEIJING MEDALS TABLE

On the host's relentless pursuit for success at Beijing 2008...

There's one aspect of the Olympics that makes this clear, it's the medals table. That's what China have so ruthlessly targeted: that list of countries in order of how good they are. It could hardly be more brutal if the bottom three got relegated to a different planet.
David Mitchell in The Guardian (2008)

Funniest Olympic Quotes Ever: No. 14 - Beijing Team GB Gold Medals

2012-07-13T20:11:00.000+01:00

No. 14 - JUL 13th: DEUTSCHLAND UBER ALLES
On the Team GB's unprecedented golden streak in Beijing - It's been one British victory after another, eight golds over the weekend. It's like waking up to find yourself an East German.
Simon Barnes in The Times (2008)

Funniest Olympic Quotes Ever: No. 15 - Carry On Race Walking

2012-07-12T04:00:00.000+01:00

No. 15 - JUL 12th: WIGGLE WHEN YOU WALK
Race-walking is arguably the most unnatural act that remains legal. To see a male Olympic walker in full cry is to be reminded of Barbara Windsor in a Carry On film, wiggling down the road in a tight skirt hoping to catch Sid James' eye.
Anon

Funniest Olympic Quotes Ever: No. 16 - Sexual Positions

2012-07-11T04:00:00.000+01:00

No.16 - JUL 11th: OLYMPIC SEX TESTING?
Selridge visiting a prostitute: "I'm gonna tell you. There are seventeen acceptable positions."
Eugene: "Acceptable? What is there, an Olympic committee that votes on positions?"
in Biloxi Blues (1988)

Funniest Olympic Quotes Ever: No. 17 - Closing Ceremony Beijing 2008

2012-07-10T04:00:00.000+01:00

No.17 - WILL THE BRITISH EMPIRE STRIKE BACK?
At times during this ceremony it felt as if London would have to prise the Olympic torch from China's cold, dead hands. Come to that, at no point in either the opening or the closing ceremonies would it have seemed particularly surprising if the floor of the stadium had opened and a vast superweapon had risen up, reminding all present that the Bird's Nest is basically the Death Star with a better percussion section.
Marina Hyde in The Guardian (2008)