Omnireview

Kelutral (Home Tree)

2012-05-25T13:30:00.002+01:00

Review: Kelutral (Home Tree)

Category: Plants

Author: Unknown, probably Eywa.

Rating: 38%

Kelutral is the Na’vi name given to a species of tree native to the moon Pandora. Although Kelutral is the name of the species as well as the individual, it is popularly used to refer to the enormous structures created when groves of Kelutral intertwine over thousands of years; the massive ‘Home Tree’ as it is known in English is more properly a Kelutral grove. These colonial structures have been known to grow to over 150 metres tall in Pandora’s weak gravity, although their bases tend to be hollow, and they take their structural integrity from a profusion of mangrove-like roots. The trunk of the structure is also supported by a number of ‘pillars’ and a helical core, each presumably a distinct plant. Specimens over 20,000 years old have been identified. Due to their large size and hollow root bole, the Kelutral is often used by the Na’vi as an ancestral residence- as is the case with the Omaticaya, Tipani, Tawkami and Ni’awve tribes. As such, the Kelutral is of great cultural significance to the Na’vi, and the two are often viewed as closely interlinked. They are hardwoods, grow in tropical climates, and are apparently evergreen.

It’s no surprise to me that the Na’vi live in Kelutrals: what else would you possibly do with them? They’re the biggest plants in the known multiverse. Sadly, this is definitely a case where more is not better: the Kelutral is just like a regular tree, only too big to effectively process for wood. It doesn’t bear fruit (if it did, they’d be a serious hazard to anyone in the vicinity), and it takes about twenty millennia to mature. Who’s got that kind of time? Only the Na’vi, who don’t trouble themselves particularly with things like technology, infrastructure or clothing. In that sense, it’s a match made in heaven- but what about other species? For 99% of species, a tree 0.2km tall is just an administration nightmare, not to mention a fire hazard.

From what I’ve seen, the Kelutral seems to look a lot like a large tropical fig, which is a relatively nice plant to look at. The problem is that the fig is most manageable in its bonsai form, and since the bonsai version of the Kelutral would be a normal sized tree, I’m not sure if this could really work. It couldn’t really be used as a decorative plant, unless you had an office the size of a country, and you wouldn’t want one in your garden because if it fell down, it would crush your entire street. If you wanted to grow one, you’d have to make like the Na’vi and live inside it. That’s not the kind of decision you usually have to make in a gardening context.

The Kelutral is, to all intents and purposes, a big, heavy, inconvenient wooden blob which sits on top of Unobtanium deposits. Although there’s no specific reason why they would occur more often over Unobtanium deposits than anywhere else, evidence suggests that they do- it’s as if they’re just trying to be spiteful. Actually, this is probably the best use for them aside from converting to Na’vi and living in them: using them as handy flags to find Unobtanium.

When you come right down to it, how good a home is a Kelutral anyway? Everyone wants to live green, and I’m pretty sure it’s carbon neutral- but heating? Shelter? You can’t just live in the open, even in the jungle. You’d die of exposure before you got through your first week. Apparently it’s full of ‘dimples’ which make good shelters, and the helical core is basically a staircase to help you move up and down the tree easily- Eywa only knows how evolution sorted that out. But even with these frankly unlikely adaptations, the rule still stands: trees don’t make good houses. I won’t even go into the issue of plumbing; suffice it to say, even Shrek has an outhouse with a little moon carved in the door. How au naturale can one go?

Undoubtedly, everyone sees pictures of Pandora and admires its iconic Kelutrals. Pandora wouldn’t be Pandora without them, and the Na’vi seem perfectly happy with them (although they’ve never known any better, so why wouldn’t they be?). There’s no problem with that. Like Mordor’s Barad-dur, though, or Florida’s Seaworld, just because it works in one place doesn’t mean it’ll work everywhere. Maybe it’s a blessing that the Kelutral needs Pandora’s gravity to grow, and wouldn’t be able to live on other planets; it’s definitely a not-in-my-back-yard kind of thing. Well done Kelutral for being the biggest documented tree in the multiverse - but you are absolutely useless to most intents and purposes, and are also a monumental fire hazard. The critical response to Home Tree is just like the moon it grows on: panned-ora.

Salt (NaCl)

2012-01-27T15:04:00.003+00:00

Review: Salt (NaCl)

Category: Compounds

Author: Physics and God (Collaboration)

Rating: 75%

Sodium Chloride is a chemical compound commonly known as salt. Salt does, in fact, contain traces of other chemicals- but since the vast majority is sodium chloride, the two are largely indistinct. Salt is a white, crystalline substance which is soluble. Because of its solubility, it is often found in bodies of water- especially on planets complete with a hydro-cycle. Salt is essential to all known and some unknown life, although in large quantities it is usually lethal. It can and has been used as a currency, and due to its distinctive flavour (salty) it is often used as a seasoning by species which have developed structures of culinary preparation.

Salt is quite a good compound. It’s crystalline, which makes it strong, and that also means it’s quite nice to look at. The fact that it’s soluble, not to mention edible, leads to problems however. Keeping salt crystals and maintaining them in any place where there is life or an atmosphere which could potentially support life is difficult, and since these are the only places you would be anyway, the only real possibility of cultivating salt crystals is if you are dead, or were never alive in the first place, in which case it’s difficult to see what use you would derive from them.

That said, salt is generally very useful- as has been mentioned, it tastes quite nice in small quantities, so a little bit goes a long way. It is also very valuable in some cultures, so you can’t complain there either. It’s relatively easy to transport, it stacks well, and you can just pull it out of the ground- the benefits go on and on.

Salt can also be used to inflict pain on any lifeform with a well-developed nervous system, and render land unusable for the cultivation of plants. The more you think about it, the more it’s the Swiss-army-knife of the chemical world. If you were picking one compound to have an infinite supply of, you could do a lot worse than salt. Without salt, after all, there would be no life in the universe. This would probably be a good thing, on the whole, as the emanations of sentient species only ever disrupt the cosmic harmony- but if you were in control of humble sodium chloride, you would have the universe right where you wanted it. In abject fear.

I take a slight issue with the colour; salt is usually white, and almost always very pale in any case. It could be nicer to look at, and it’s all sandy and horrid when it’s ground up fine. If I was in charge of the design, I would have made it soft and brightly-coloured, so that everyone would know instantly how great it was. If the universe had used colours to signal the relative quality of different substances, I wouldn’t have to write these reviews the whole time- and you wouldn’t have to read them. Thanks a lot, universe.

On the whole, then, I think salt is pretty great. It means we have to put up with life in the universe, but overall it’s a pretty great chemical. It has all kinds of uses, and its physical qualities are relatively pleasing. It also inflicts pain, rather than blowing stuff up or catching fire- an undervalued fact, I often think. I highly recommend sodium chloride, one of the few compounds that’s really worth its salt.

The Death Star

2012-01-06T00:25:00.006+00:00

Review: Death Star

Category: Weapons

Author: Galactic Empire

Rating: 83%

The Death Star is a super-weapon which doubles as a space station because of its incredible size. At least as large as a class four moon, the Death Star destroys entire celestial bodies with a concentrated super-laser shot from a characteristic crater above the star’s equatorial trench. Only two death stars were ever commissioned, both by the Galactic Empire, and only one- that under the command of Grand Moff Tarkin- was ever completed, although the second was operational in offensive terms at the time it was destroyed by the rebel alliance; the second was also significantly larger, boasting a 900km diameter in comparison to the first model’s 160km. The Death Star is spherical and white, and can travel at superluminal velocity; its creation, and subsequent destruction, inspired a range of galactic weapons including the Sun Crusher, the Galaxy Gun and the World Devastator.

The Galactic Empire have really got it spot on with their weapons, and it all started with the Death Star. Sure, DS1 had its share of problems- wait a minute, no it didn’t. It was only the second time they’d ever made one (they made a prototype) and the whole thing- the whole thing- had only one Achilles heel. Apple make bigger mistakes before breakfast each day. DS1 didn’t have anywhere near its share of problems. Sure, the critics are going to get on their high horse, but critics will be critics. If they hate the Galactic Empire so much, why don’t they try getting their weaponry from the rebels? Oh, that’s right, the rebels never made anything, which is why they have to put up with C3PO. Let’s be realistic here.

And it’s not like it was so easy to blow it up anyhow- a lot of rebels did get killed. In fact, only one made it out of a fairly large group, so the Death Star held its own despite bad luck. It got blown up, but in principle it was pretty much a wash. And the rebels used magic. The point is, I’m tired of DS1 being slated because of one little design flaw. It’s not as bad as we’re making it out.

Looking at the weapon itself, my main complaint is the 24 hour recharge time. One planet a day seems like a lot now, but a guy with a Death Star can quickly find himself with a lot of enemies. To be honest, I never knew how fast the thing could go though- it has a network of ion engines which really can crank up the speed. So saying, I wouldn’t be confident steering it; the shape isn’t ideal. Do remember though: this is not a ship, it is a mobile galactic weapon.

Returning to the weapon, in fact, it does concern me that it may be a little too powerful. I’ve got to be honest, there’s a huge novelty factor. It’s extreme, it’s cool, it’s different (blowing up entire planets, I mean)- but at the end of the day, I usually don’t need to kill everyone on any given planet. Even if I did, I don’t know if I’d want to destroy the planet too. I know, it’s an extreme statement- and I get that, believe me. But realistically, I’m going to fire that twice before I’m bored of it- and then I’d be better off with a cheap ‘n’ cheerful lightsaber.

DS2 just exacerbates the problem. If I already have a 160km Death Star, do I really upgrade to a 900km model? The specs are practically identical. It’s not a good way to spend money; flash, yeah. Sensible, no. No, no, no.

Pretty much everything about the Death Star is cool- even that almost-impossible-to-reach weakness. And if galactic weapons had stopped there, no one would have complained. But they didn't, and the simple fact is that the market is a very different place now than it was when DS1 was completed in 0 BBY. Expect to see it get higher ratings when concept weaponry comes back in; until then, I’d take a DS1 if you feel keen. But don’t force yourself.

猫手 (Neko-Te)

2011-12-02T17:35:00.003+00:00

Review: 猫手 (Neko-Te)

Category: Weapons

Author: Anonymous Ninja

Rating: 85%

The Neko-te, or cat’s paw, is a weapon favoured by Japanese ninjas. It consists of a pair of glove-like contraptions (although they can be used individually) worn on the hands, the fingers of which terminate in offensive blades or needles. The Neko-Te is an example of the Kakushi Buki school of weaponry- literally, the hidden weapons. As such it is designed primarily as a weapon of self-defence, although a skilful ninja will be able to use a pair of Neko-Te to open the main arteries of an opponent. Use of the Neko-Te is still taught in the Bujinkan and Jinenkan Dojos under masters Masaaki Hatsumi and Manaka Unsui respectively. Freddy Krueger, the dream-murderer who achieved notoriety for a spate of murders in 1984, also favours a variant of the Neko-Te.

It’s obvious even to the most pacific mind that the Neko-Te is a pretty cool weapon. I think maybe the best thing about it is the animal reference- it just makes the whole thing a little more varied and colourful. Would they have been as popular as ‘cutting gloves’? Or ‘Sharp Hands’? I can’t see it catching on. With cat claws though, you get the allusion to a predatory animal; it’s very similar in principal to X-Men’s Wolverine, but the gay costume is optional.

There is the issue of the fatality count; when I’m picking my top ten weapons to take to a desert island, I want them to have a high killing power. That’s the point of a weapon, surely. Or is it? The Neko-Te philosophy is partially about defence- but it’s also a weapon that specialises in causing a lot of pain. Why kill your enemy when you could slice them all over with an intricate network of lacerations? Sure, with the Neko-Te you can’t make someone dead- but you can make them wish they were dead.

Don’t forget your fear factor, too- which plays into the animalistic persona. A guy with a sword is just that: a guy with a sword. The Neko-Te are somehow more integrated, and become a part of your outfit as much as your panoply, and will definitely put the fear of imminent and painful death in the hearts of your enemies- which is where it belongs.

It’s a defensive as well as offensive weapon, which at the end of the day is very practical; why carry one of each? In fact, since they’re gloves, the Neko-Te allow you to carry none at all. You could actually still hold an axe, or a gun, or a baseball bat- although these probably wouldn’t do justice to the elegant Japanese armoury. It really is a very practical weapon, when you think about it, and stealthy too- don’t forget, they’re designed to be easily concealed.

The flipside of this is the fact that it’s harder to do almost anything when your fingers end in knives. I won’t go into detail, but it’s probably safe to assume that this weapon has a pretty high accidental injury factor. Scratching, nose picking and especially rubbing your eyes are all very bad ideas; not much of a problem for ninjas, who have impeccable manners and are never tired, but for everyone else you’ve got to be very careful. Not a weapon for beginners, that’s what I’m saying.

Overall I would definitely recommend the Neko-Te to any race with appendages on which to wield them- as long as you’re experienced enough to handle it. You’ll need plenty of training, but it will be worth it in the end, especially if you’re as thoroughly vindictive and egregious as the race who conceived them (if you’re asking yourself whether I’m referring to the Japanese or the human race, then you have way too much faith in both of them). Armourers everywhere, take note of the Neko-Te.

The Trojan War

2011-11-29T21:25:00.001+00:00

Review: The Trojan War

Category: Wars

Author: Agamemnon

Rating: 89%

The Trojan War, culminating in the siege and sacking of Troy, was a conflict which took place around the 12^th or 11^th century BCE. It was fought between the Trojans and the Achaeans, over the madrigal rights to Helen of Troy; initial disagreements arose after Paris was awarded the love of Helen by the Goddess Aphrodite, despite the fact that she was already married to Menelaus. Paris ten fled with Helen to Troy, and Menelaus gave pursuit- bringing with him an army the likes of which the world had never seen, under the command of Agamemnon, his brother and king of the Mycenae. The siege of Troy lasted for ten years, and when it was finally defeated via the cunning of Odysseus it was razed to the ground.

The Trojan War is a big favourite- that first war to which all other wars must be compared. What could be more compelling? Warfare by land and sea, involving great heroes and gods walking on earth in human form; courage, cunning and carnage... Ideal. It’s become the unrelenting subject of human art and endeavour for the whole life of modern civilization on Earth. It even stands the test of modern expectations though; the weaponry might seem dated, but all the necessary elements are there.

World War One was sometimes known as the ‘war to end all wars’, exhibiting the kind of hilarious optimism so epidemic in the human species. In any case, it seems likely that the Trojan War was the war to begin all wars; to set the tone and the precedent for all subsequent conflicts. I think we can all agree that a war to begin all wars makes a lot more sense than a war to end all wars- and Troy set a very high standard for conflicts in years to come.

A vital element of the Trojan War’s success is the divine intervention. The Greek pantheon are very helpful in this respect, and unlike the Abrahamic God have no qualms about getting involved on both sides of the conflict. Zeus and Hera really knew how to keep the flame of war alive, and Troy as an event certainly owed more to the incredible team of Gods working tirelessly behind the scenes than to ostensible heroes like Hektor and Achilles. There’s no doubt that they prolonged the conflict beyond comparison, and the whole thing is just so much more colourful with some supernatural pyrotechnics.

If I had one criticism, it would be that there’s not enough of a moral slant going on. The Greeks seem to be mildly evil, but not decisively, so it’s hard to know whether good triumphs over evil. Equally, there’s no underdog- the fortress of Troy had never been breached, and the Achaean army couldn’t be defeated. Sure there’s the spectacle of irresistible force meeting immovable object, but where’s the humanity? It’s a niggling doubt, but a doubt nonetheless.

Often, in war, it’s difficult to pinpoint an exact winner. Not so with Troy- the old horse trick was enough to ensure a total victory- and what a great and original way of doing it! So creative, so unexpected... masterful. There’s not very much information, but it’s safe to assume that the death toll was respectably high. When you take into account the destruction wreaked within the walls, we’re definitely on the right side of slaughter. The Trojan horse, and the sacking of Troy, are the perfect end to the perfect war: five stars.

Kal-El (Superman)

2011-10-30T18:47:00.004+00:00

Review: Kal-El (Superman)

Category: Heroes

Author: Jor-El and Lara

Rating: 52%

Kal-El, also known as Clark Kent, is a Kryptonian superhero whose alter-ego is referred to as Superman. He came to earth in the early 1930s, after the destruction of his home planet, Krypton. His costume- A blue suit with a stylised ‘S’ set in a shield on the chest, with red boots, knickers, cape and yellow belt- is instantly recognisable; he is one of the most iconic superheroes to ever live on earth. His powers have proved considerably unstable over his lengthy career; originally imbued only with super strength and speed, he has since then acquired various abilities including: flight, ice-breath, micro- and telescopic vision, super-hearing and invulnerability. Kal-El married human female Lois Lane in 1996.

There’s no denying that Superman is an archetypal hero- but my main problem is with those fluctuating powers. How could he ever be dependable? I doubt even he can remember which powers he’s retaining, and when: you might call on him for ice-breath, and find that he’s only got heat-emitting vision. That’s, like, the opposite of what you need. There’s just no organisation, I guess, and that’s the heart of the issue for me.

Another issue is that back-story: he came from a dying, decrepit community which couldn’t support itself for much longer, and he came to America to do jobs that regular Americans wouldn’t even think possible? It’s been 79 years- immigration will be beating the door down any day now. Where does that leave those of us who need saving? In the lurch, that’s where. Or it would, if Superman's arch nemesis wasn't Lex Luther, who- terrifyingly enough- has the power of 'high intelligence', and the profession of scientist. Shocker.

His persona is fair enough, but it’s kind of got no USP. That’s something that really devalues the whole operation: saying ‘Superman’ is just like saying ‘really good man’. How is that going to stand up to other heroes? Sure, it’s straightforward: it does what it says on the tin. It’s just a little flat. It’s not a concept that can stand up to modern competition- why not re-brand? With a new costume, some sort of characteristic weapon- hobnail boots, for example- and be Sole Man, or The Boot, or Kickstart. Anything! Anything would be better than ‘Superman’.

There’s nothing wrong with the alter-ego, Clark Kent is perfectly respectable and makes an ideal mild-mannered double. Very little in the way of actual disguise, except glasses- it has been commented on- but whatever works; critics will be critics. At the end of the day, if glasses are enough to fool the populace, then that’s the problem of the populace, not Kal-El.

There’s always the kryptonite thing, though. That’s kind of an Achilles heel, no? After all, Kryptonite is what the planet Krypton was made of before it blew up- so there’s at least a planet’s worth of it floating around out there somewhere. Achilles heel was vulnerable- but hey, it was only the size of a tennis ball, and he always knew where it was. That’s not to mention the weird fact that Kryptonians live on a planet made of a substance that poisons them. Maybe it’s best that place blew up- it was obviously a huge safety hazard.

There’s no doubt that Superman is the old mainstay of metropolitan mass-protection; the first word in righting the wrongs of evil-doers. He’s just a little bit past it, for me. We can all recognize the contribution he’s made over the years, but frankly it’s high time he retired, leaving the stage to new powers and new voices. He may be well-loved now, but nothing gets old faster than an unwelcome superhero: if he’s not careful, a couple of years down the line he’ll find out that he’s become the kryptonite of everyone else.

孫悟空 (Monkey)

2011-10-28T16:59:00.006+01:00

Review: 孫悟空 (Monkey)

Category: Heroes

Author: Chaos

Rating: 96%

Sun Wukong, otherwise known as Monkey, is an anthropomorphic monkey with magic powers. He is most notable for his exploits alongside the river demon Sandy and the pig spirit Pigsy, as the trio escorted the monk Tripitaka westward. Sun was originally born out of a stone egg, which was laid by chaos itself. He has too many powers to easily list, but they include incredible growth, strength, transformation, elemental manipulation, and effective flight. He is immortal, and also bears the title of ‘buddha’, since he has achieved enlightenment.

I love Sun Wukong. He’s got amazing powers, but better than that, he has a great attitude. When he became the leader of the monkeys, he awarded himself the title ‘handsome monkey king’, with a self-love which rivals that of Charlie Sheen. That’s just great- monkey is a great guy, and he’s smart enough to know it. People don’t realise how important self-affirmation is: Socrates famously admitted that all he knew was that he did not know enough, and he was put to death. There’s no shame in self-promotion, and Wukong is wise enough to know that. Anyway, whether he was handsome or not, he was also smart enough to hang around with a huge pig-man the whole time. That works wonders for your comparative attractiveness.

Monkey wasn’t ashamed to have a ridiculous number of spurious powers. Some superheroes keep to a handful of powers at most; Monkey has so many you couldn’t even remember them all. He also, unlike most superheroes, spends most of his time using these powers for selfish material gain. When he’s not doing that, he’s trying to force more people to acknowledge how great he is- like that time when he demanded that he be named ‘Great Sage equal of Heaven’. This was essentially the same plan that Lucifer had, but Sun Wukong was such a pain in heaven’s arse that they eventually gave in and let him have the title. Did Sun behave himself after that? No, he used his newfound authority to steal all the peaches from heaven’s garden. Why? Because he liked peaches. Duh.

However, Monkey did- under duress- lead the monk Tripitaka through 81 separate calamities, so that he could deliver his scrolls to the Western Buddha. During that time he fought evil spirits, solved mysteries, killed spider people, and went to a snow-viewing party. He served the forces of good, but he never forgot to make time for himself. Because of this, he managed to achieve enlightenment, as well as being the coolest monkey in the whole history of time. Unlike most superheroes, Monkey had no love interest. In the long run, it only saved him time, effort and money, so that’s another point to Wukong.

He’s so great that China celebrates his honour for a full day every year- the sixteenth day of the eighth lunar month. The problem is, though, that since China is so obviously evil, the chances are the world in general will need defending from hem sooner or later. I'm not saying that Monkey would favour his home country unfairly, I'm just saying that he'd be unlikely to shut down a country who pay him homage on a yearly basis. The moral? Globalise Wukong day. You know it makes sense.

I can’t think of anything else to tell you; if you’re not already convinced that Monkey is the greatest hero who ever lived, then I don’t know what else you're looking for. In times of need, the world can certainly-unless he has something more interesting to do- rely on Wukong: when it comes to heroics, he’s awe-sun.

Incident II

2011-10-22T19:28:00.001+01:00

Review: Incident II

Category: Genocide

Author: Xenu (Ruler of the Galactic Confederacy)

Rating: 75%

The phrase ‘Incident II’, otherwise known as the galactic genocide, refers to an event which occurred circa 75,000,000 BCE. At the initiation of Xenu, then ruler of the Galactic Confederacy (which consisted of 26 stars and 76 planets), a large number of citizens under his jurisdiction were effectively put to death. After being captured and immersed in a mixture of alcohol and glycol, the victims were effectively frozen since their souls couldn’t escape. The incident itself happened on the planet Teegeeack, later known as Earth, where Xenu deposited the frozen citizens in vast numbers around the bases of large volcanoes. He then detonated a number of hydrogen bombs, causing the volcanoes to erupt in synchronity. There were very few survivors. Xenu then attempted to capture the souls of the victims, or ‘thetans’, using an electronic ribbon. He brainwashed the souls in a 3D cinema, effectively preventing them from ever properly reincarnating.

Xenu was, quite clearly, one vindictive son of a bitch. I think the attempt to capture the souls of his victims is probably the coup de grace of this genocide, amply displaying a level of commitment which most can only dream of. Also, with his kill count comfortably into the billions, Xenu may well be the most proficient genocidal maniac of all time. Quality and quantity? I like his style.

His use of materials is also quite imaginative. Use the bombs to kill the victims? Too easy. A complex scheme involving freezing the targets in a cocktail of chemicals before using volcanoes to finish the job is very much where it’s at. Creative thinking combined with a thorough approach and a high kill count: we’re onto a winner.

My main complaint about Incident II is that as a genocide, there’s very little evidence of ethnographic motive. As far as one can tell, Xenu was just trying to reduce over-crowding on the 76 planets he administered to. Although I applaud him, therefore, for his initiative and problem solving abilities, I’ve got to say- this is more of a mass-murder than it is a genocide. There’s nothing wrong with that Per Se, but I think it loses some of the evil if the killings are indiscriminate rather than ruthlessly premeditated. There’s no finesse, I suppose.

Incident II is a great, high budget affair. No expense has been spared, and Xenu is clearly a safe pair of hands to oversee the proceedings. I’ve got no concerns over the method here, and the motive- cloudy at first- has a kind of evil brilliance in its conspicuous practicality. All good genocides should be, in some sense, a solution- and that’s exactly what Xenu achieves. Sadly, he didn’t get away with it, and there’s where it all falls down; with better marketing, a little PR work (genocide is, as a rule, a pig that needs a lot of lipstick), and some media coverage Xenu could have come out of this laughing. Instead, he was trapped inside a mountain for all eternity.

That kind of spoils the fun, no? He didn’t get away with it, even though he was (apparently) motivated by the desire to solve a civic problem. It well and truly deflates what might have been a perfect genocide. If Xenu couldn’t think his way out of that one, then he wasn’t an evil genius, he was an evil dunce. This is a disappointment of galactic proportion.

The Clanger

2011-10-22T01:57:00.002+01:00

Review: The Clanger

Category: Animals

Author: Oliver Postgate and Peter Firmin

Rating: 93%

The Clanger is a relatively small, pink hued space rodent closely related to the moon mouse; unlike that species, however, it possesses no true tail. The clanger is found predominantly on a small green planet that is located far from earth; they subsist on a diet of blue-string pudding and a nourishing green soup, which is procured via a symbiotic relationship with a reptilian cohabitant of that planet referred to as a ‘soup dragon’. The ‘small green planet’ population of clangers is the only known colony in existence, and is limited to five individuals. The species takes its name from the dustbin lid it uses to seal its burrow, resulting in a ‘clanging’ noise every time it emerges. They communicate with one another via nuclear magnetic resonance, which is audible to the human ear as a sound closely resembling that of the swanee whistle.

The clangers are a very peaceable race, and seem to be relatively intelligent; I like that about them. Then again, to be honest, I admire any animal which can evolve and survive in the cold vacuum of space. Clangers lead a bloody harsh life, when you think about it: they’re small and cute, and yet instead of being eaten by large reptiles like terrestrial mice, they force said lizards to serve them delicious soup. Whatever it is that’s so appealing about the clanger, clearly the dragon has picked up on it too.

They live far, far away from planet Earth, which is an excellent place to park your planet if you even resemble something edible. Human beings seem to have a curious weakness for enslaving and devouring other species, so the farther away from this danger the minute population of clangers can get the better. After all, they look like little pigs. Not a good sign.

The dustbin lids are an extra precaution, as are the burrows; as far as we know, the little green planet is no colder at night than it is during the day, since it has no atmosphere. Therefore, the clangers just build burrows- since they have no natural predators- in case of emergency. This is incredibly sensible, and probably a good example of why the clanger is still around.

Sadly, the clanger seems to have no natural defence system, unless you count their nuclear magnetic resonance, which could probably cause cancer in cases of repetitive or prolonged exposure. Even if it could, this still wouldn’t be a reliable form of defence; however, I can’t see how you could ever kill one, so there’s not really any way to oppose them.

The Clanger is a true extremophile: able to exist in the vacuum of space, in freezing perpetual night, without air, water, or any food except some blue string. These things are probably more difficult to kill than Terminator, so we should certainly surrender to them our respect, as well as our extreme caution. One day the clangers will find Earth- and on that day, humanity will be forced to whistle a very different tune.

The Mango

2011-10-20T21:34:00.002+01:00

Review: The Mango

Category: Fruits

Author: Various Anacardiaceae

Rating: 44%

The mango is a stone fruit produced by a variety of plants of the genus Mangifera. Its appearance differs widely between species, but the majority are either orange, red or green. The embryonic plant is contained within a seed, protected by the hard membrane of the stone. The stone is not easily divisible from the flesh, which is soft and pulpy. The mango is a particular favourite with tropical humans, who cultivate the plants which bear them- most commonly Mangifera Indica, the Indian mango. These groups of humans have also imbued the plant- as well as its fruit- with various cultural significance. For example, some countries such as Pakistan, the Philippines and India have taken the Indian Mango as their national tree. The mango is the most cultivated fruit in the tropical world.

I like the mango. It’s not an imposing fruit- not as flamboyant as the dragon-fruit, not as attention-seeking as the star fruit- but it gets the job done. It’s pretty chunky, which is always nice to see, so you get plenty of flesh in the package. The seed is a big stone- nature’s way of saying ‘watch out for this’ is usually to make the offending object very large- so if you eat it by accident, then you probably should have been removed from the gene pool anyway. The colour scheme is also spot on- in fact, there are fewer fruits more appealing than a ripe mango.

Nonetheless, there are a couple of slight design flaws I’ve noticed: firstly, the average mango is ripe for precisely five minutes. When are those five minutes? Exactly when you stop paying attention. Mangoes sit in your cupboard and wait for you to lose interest, and then as soon as you turn your back they have their five-minute-ripeness and turn mouldy. Putting them in the fridge makes things worse: the cold just makes them spiteful.

Secondly, I would say that the taste is a bit of an issue for me. It’s nice, you’ve got the sweetness in there, it’s all going well; then, suddenly pine. What? Pine? Yes. Like the wood. Don’t tell me you haven’t tasted it, I know you have. It tastes like pine. If I wanted a fruit that tastes like pine, I’d eat pinecones. Thirdly, and this links in, the common method of eating a mango is to ‘hedgehog’ it, a method which involves bisecting the fruit (a process which will of necessity produces two uneven halves), and then cutting the flesh- but not the skin- with a grid of lacerations. The skin is then inverted, causing the sections of the grid to protrude in a fashion which someone, somewhere, at some point imagined to be somewhat hedgehog-like. Presumably Picasso, or some other cubist. Anyway, the point is: if I wanted to eat a hedgehog, I would. Why can’t the mango just be itself? This is a fruit with confidence issues.

I am severely disappointed by the mango. The hype is too much, in this case, and you’re never going to get as good a mango as you think you will. It’s a simple issue: stop trying to be a fruit you’re not, mango. People like mangoes, and as soon as you stop living in a pretend world where ‘hedgehog’ can be a verb I will start to take you seriously. Until that day, you are not fooling anyone. Man(go) up.

The Stolen Generations

2011-10-19T18:39:00.002+01:00

Review: The Stolen Generations

Category: Genocides

Author: The Church Missions and Government of Australia

Rating: 82%

The phrase ‘stolen generations’ was first used by human professor Peter Read, an Australian historian, to describe the practice of abducting children of Australian aboriginal descent. The practice, initiated by the Church and various government bodies, was commonplace between 1869 and 1969, and continued on a smaller scale well into the 1970s. During this time, the combined forces were able to relocate as many as 100,000 native children. The rationale behind the abductions is unclear; however, various sources cite the prevention of miscegenation, and child protection. On the 13^th of February 2008 CE, Australian Prime Minister Kevin Rudd formally apologised for the stolen generations.

The stolen generations scheme puts a new twist on the old classic that is genocide. All the classic
themes are here: racial purification, religious motives, and even propaganda. The Australian government wasn’t afraid of committing a textbook genocide, but they were smarter than that: they realised they could do it without actually killing anyone. Quick thinking, Australia! One of the more rapey genocides you’ll come across, I think.

And you know what? It just worked. This is probably the longest unbroken period of ethnic cleansing since the Middle Ages, and it took more than a hundred years before anyone began to question it. That’s, quite frankly, a bloody good run. They even had a plan for afterwards: they said that they were removing the aboriginal children because they were worried that, with the introduction of European people to Australia, the indigenous peoples might go extinct because of all the new diseases that they brought. It wasn’t enough that they had brought new diseases to the aborigines, or that they were stealing the Aborigine children: the Australian government actually wanted the aborigines to THANK THEM FOR IT.

The legislation concerned encouraged authority figures in the settler population to relocate any child of which they became aware- especially girls. This is where the ‘child abuse’ story falls down. Generally speaking, goodwill charities and adoption agencies with good intentions don’t tend to make requests for specific genders. This is, broadly speaking, a bad sign. Further legislation made it easier for the ‘saved’ children to pay off their debt to society. Guess how? Unpaid labour! It’s so simple, and yet it works so well.

William Garnet South, however, the ‘Chief Protector of Aborigines’ (10/10 for coming up with that title), was not satisfied with this situation. Oh, no. That’s why, in 1911, he lobbied for the power to remove aboriginal children from their homes without any prior notice or paperwork- too fiddly. He couldn’t get the government to support it, but what they did do is pass the Aborigines Act of 1911, which made him the legal guardian of every child with aboriginal blood. I guess he just seemed like the right guy for the job.

So, while extra points are certainly awarded for combining sexual exploitation and slavery with the initial genocide, I wouldn’t say this could be counted as an example of TRUE ethnic cleansing (it was more of a genealogical spring-clean). Despite the fact that the genocide was not effectively completed, due to the distended timescale of the method, peoples the world over must recognise that this has been the last word on the practice effective ethnic cleansing. An incredible example of what you can get away with if you’re based far enough away from the UN. My heartiest congratulations to the Australian government for pulling off an absolutely immaculate genocide, running to record time. Adolf who?

Paper

2011-10-19T00:45:00.003+01:00

Review: Paper

Category: Inventions

Author: Cai Lun

Rating: 55%

Paper is the name of a hugely versatile substance used all over modern Earth. It is produced via the simple expedient of macerating various plant fibres and, more recently, bleaching said fibres, before pressing and drying them to form a continuous sheet. The resultant product can then be used for a variety of purposes, including nest-building and communication. Two species on Earth are known to utilise paper: humans and wasps. It is therefore theorised that over the course of any race’s history, their rate of paper-production is roughly equivalent to their output of evil. Paper was invented in China, between the year -200 and the year +200 in the Common Era.

I have to admit, paper is fairly useful. Over time, it has been used to convey- via various languages- a fair portion of the sum of all human knowledge, effectively rendering such knowledge cumulative. Of course, this largely amounts to a load of dangerous nonsense, but you have to allow for the occasional gem: The Very Hungry Caterpillar, for example, or anything written by James Herriot. Paper’s only as good as the people who write on it though.

It’s a bigger problem than you think. Sure, everyone enjoys On the Origin of Species, but what most people don’t realise is that Darwin also wrote The Formation of Vegetable Mould Through the Action of Worms and On the Various Contrivances by which British and Foreign Orchids are Fertilized by Insects, and on the Good Effects of Intercrossing. Pithy title much, Darwin? Seriously, that’s a hit rate of 1/3, and that’s from a man who was so good that his image was preserved on common currency 150 years later. I would say assuming 10% of books, overall, were worthwhile would be generous; that’s a lot of wasted trees.

While being unassuming in its mundanity, however, the paper sheet is also one of the greatest weapons known to man. It is capable of inflicting at complete random a wound more painful and insidious than any other: the paper cut. There is no pattern to the occurrence of such injuries, and science has yet to explain them, but if I had my way I would have a sword made out of razor-paper. Such a sword wouldn’t make an opponent die; it would just make them wish they were dead.

The paper airplane on the other hand is a terrible invention, and unsuitable- as a craft- to convey anything at all, over any substantial distance. Paper boats are the same, and paper lanterns aren’t even worth mentioning. Paper is also very limited as a building material, because no one in their right mind would ever construct anything substantial out of papier-mâché. They say that paper is versatile, but it’s only versatile in the same way that toothpaste is versatile. You could use it for many purposes, but you won’t, because it’s only good at one thing.

I’m not keen on paper. But there’s no real way of predicting what the world would be like now if it had never been invented; I’m not a troublemaker, by nature, so there’s no point trying to go switching things around now. At the end of the day, if I'm to scared to abolish it, it must be doing something right. I’m suspicious we could get by without it though, even if they do have to find something else to make Christmas cracker hats from.

1862

2011-10-17T21:48:00.003+01:00

Review: 1862

Category: Years

Author: Pope Gregory XIII

Rating: 79%

The year 1862 in the Gregorian calendar is a leap year, and as such is currently agreed to signify a 366 day period of human history. The specific 366-day period known as 1862 preceded the one called 1863, and followed shortly after the one known as 1861. It commenced 1,861 years after the advent of the Common Era (CE). It is expressed as MDCCCLXII in roman numerals.

1862 was certainly a bloodthirsty year; in fact, September 17^th 1862 was- and remains- the bloodiest day in American History. The American Civil War was already underway, and suddenly everybody wanted a piece of the action. France, Spain and England decided to have an intervention in Mexico, which ultimately resulted in Cinco de Mayo becoming a festival. The Sioux, presumably annoyed because no one was paying them any attention any more, also decided to go mental and kill a whole load of settlers, to remind the Americans that they had more than one minority ethnic group to worry about.

Sure, Samuel Colt (inventor of firearms used, most importantly, to augment the arsenal of Tommy Vercetti in Grand Theft Auto: Vice City) died only ten days into 1862- but everyone else pitched in to make up for what the world had lost. In fact, Dr. Richard Gatling managed to patent the gun he’d invented this year, and began supplying it for use in the American Civil War. Good job Gatling! I hope whoever made you a doctor is turning in their grave.

The Civil War saw some pretty impressive advances, such as the launching of the first American iron-clad warship: the USS Monitor. The ironclad is certainly not as impressive as it sounds- it’s just a steam-powered boat with some armour. Then again, in fairness, I can’t think of anything as impressive as ironclad sounds, so it’s not so bad.

In August 14^th of this year, Abraham Lincoln became the first president to ever consort with black people- who, up until that time, had been a slave race under American law. Although this is certainly progress, it must be observed that Lincoln’s first question was ‘why can’t you go back to Africa?’, which is a little ignorant. Presumably, the former slaves answered with ‘that’s what we’ve been saying’, and no one was any the wiser. Aren’t people funny? 1862 was almost an iconic anti-racism year, but the emancipation proclamation was issued just over the border on January 1^st, 1863. This means that, in effect, 1862 must have been one of the most racist years ever, since people were more aware than ever that racism was wrong, but it was still OK. Not cool, 1862.

But not everything that happened this year was violent or racist; 1862 has something for everyone. This was the year that travel writer Anna Leonowens took up a post as educator to a certain Siamese king, giving rise to a number of fictionalised accounts of her experiences in print and film which have proved enduringly popular, including ‘The King and I’. Oh wait, that was also racist.

I love 1862, a year anyone could have been proud to live in. There are almost too many wars going on simultaneously: there’s no time for scientific advances, or great literary works when war and slavery are rife. I recommend that in order to recognize its brilliance, it be increased in size to cover a whole decade. All hail 1862!

The Angry Bird

2011-10-16T17:31:00.004+01:00

Review: The Angry Bird

Category: Animals

Author: Rovio

Rating: 22%

The ‘angry bird’ is a species of flightless bird found in a wide variety of habitats. The group is well-known partly for the huge physiological variation of its subspecies, of which five are well-known: the red, blue, yellow, black and white angry bird. The angry bird is identified as distinctive from other species by virtue of the stark ‘eyebrow’ markings that all subspecies share, giving the birds an ‘angry’ appearance. They are also notable in their lack of limbs; unlike most other bird species, they have no wings or legs, although they are feathered. Their nesting habits are unknown, except for the white variety, which lays an explosive egg which is almost as large as itself. In their natural habitat they have only one predator: the green pig. The red angry bird is the national bird of Taiwan.

The angry bird is a very poorly designed animal. The lack of wings is a mistake, rendering the birds effectively flightless, and then there’s the absence of legs to contend with. As I understand it, the birds travel via a kind of hopping motion. There is nothing efficient about that. This is another example of evolution getting complacent, and removing appendages which don’t seem useful at the time. It’s short-sighted.

One of the biggest problems for the wild angry bird is nesting: their eggs are consumed on a regular basis by the ground-dwelling green pig, which feeds on a diet of eggs and watermelons. But honestly, if it wasn’t green pigs, it would be rats, or magpies; ground-dwelling birds are notorious for losing their eggs to terrestrial predators, and this is just a perfect example of why.

That’s not to say that the angry bird has no defence mechanism; most do. In fact, this is another easy way to distinguish between the subspecies. When under stress, a blue angry bird will replicate itself twice, effectively tripling the number of birds present. The yellow bird can perform feats of astonishing speed, the black bird swells and detonates like a bomb, the white bird produces a kind of explosive egg, and the red bird does nothing. They are, in some cases literally, all over the place: exploding is never a useful method of self-defence. Some of the others might work a bit better, but still, my complaint would be that they aren’t built to last. The only reason we don’t know much about these creatures is that they very rarely survive in the wild, let alone in captivity.

For these reasons, the angry bird is also impossible to farm as meat. Because of their obvious attachment to their eggs, keeping them for produce is also unfeasible. Kudos to the angry birds for surviving this long, but I must say I’ve seldom seen a less well-adapted, less useful organism. I can’t think of anything productive to do with these birds; as far as I’m concerned, they might as well all be flung away using some kind of giant catapult.

Snake Mountain

2011-10-15T16:17:00.004+01:00

Review: Snake Mountain

Category: Fortresses

Author: Skeletor

Rating: 39%

Snake Mountain is a fortress located in the dark hemisphere of the planet Eternia. It takes its name from the giant snakelike deposit of rock which encircles it, culminating in a giant snake head from which runs a river of what appears to be lava. The origin of Snake Mountain is unknown, but sources suggest that it was built, to some degree, by Skeletor the Lord of Snake Mountain. Skeletor acquired the necessary architectural instruction from a set of disks- the golden disks of knowledge- which he stole from Zanthor. Since Skeletor was, at that time, a pupil of Hordak (the lord of the evil hordes), the fortress was used as a base when Hordak attempted to invade Castle Greyskull. As Skeletor’s master, Hordak was the effective owner of Snake Mountain, until he was forced to flee to Etheria when his invasion was only partially successful. Skeletor, however, remained on Eternia, and so ownership passed to him. There is some evidence that Snake Mountain pre-existed both Hordak and Skeletor as the domain of the snake-men. This is unconfirmed.

There is no doubt that Snake Mountain is a very attractive property. It offers unrivalled views, and there can certainly be no complaint about the charming serpent motif, which is so well done. It’s also incredibly spacious, although the hewn-from-the-rock look is quite basic, and loses the sharpness that some of the spaces could command. The fact that it is a live volcano was initially a concern- but for some reason lava seems to flow out of the snake head with constant pressure, so I assume there’s some sort of regulator there.

The property doesn’t get a lot of light, since it is located on the dark side of Eternia. This isn’t so much of an issue though, since it actually has no windows. Snake Mountain must cost a bomb for lighting, but the silver lining is you won’t need heating because of all that lava. I think it all works out. There are also no neighbours to compete with, since no one wants to live near Snake Mountain, and no garden to maintain since nothing can grow near Snake Mountain. It’s super-low maintenance, and as such is ideal for the villain who spends a lot of time tormenting others (i.e. any villain).

The interior is a different story; I’m told a lot of the appliances in here are run by ‘magic’, but you’ve also got a lot of electrical gadgets, as well as some more basic Tomb Raider style traps. Seriously, you won’t believe your eyes: it’s like Skeletor has just furnished every room with whatever looked most evil, from any historical period. They don’t make a lot of this stuff anymore, so don’t count on any of the warranties still being active. If something goes wrong, it’ll be a nightmare just figuring out whether you need a technician or a wizard. Headache.

As a base, Snake Mountain has a lot going for it; as a fortress, it’s a bit of a let-down. There are no walls, no gates... there’s not even a door. Seriously, it’s a cave in a mountain: anyone could just walk in here, anytime. As far as I can see, the only thing stopping people from wandering into Snake Mountain is the fact that nobody wants to go in. I don’t know what Skeletor was thinking. I’ve seen petrol stations with better security. Indefensible.

I wouldn’t recommend using Snake Mountain as a fortress anytime soon. It’s more of an evildoer’s holiday home; all image, no practicality. If you feel like taking a punt, you could probably do worse, but this place is going to need a lot of work, inside as well as out. If it’s not brought up to scratch, I guarantee you, you’re going to end up having your evil plans foiled on a weekly basis.

The First Boer War

2011-06-26T18:49:00.004+01:00

Review: The First Boer War

Category: Wars

Author: Angry Boers

Rating: 58%

The First Boer War, otherwise known as the Transvaal War, was the first of two conflicts between two denominations of humans- the English settlers of South Africa, and the Dutch settlers of South Africa. The Dutch settlers, who got there first, were known as Boers; Boer being an Afrikaans word which translates as farmer. The war was precipitated by the Transvaal Boers who revolted against English subjugation on December 16^th, 1880. The war was concluded by a truce in 1881, when England got sick of fighting and decided it didn’t want to be at war that much anyway. The Boers were therefore the winners, and they won the right to self-governance, under nominal British suzerainty.

The First Boer War is a classic war, in which the underdog wins. The might of the British Empire was repelled by an army of 3000 Boers. The scoreboard says it all: 41 Boers dead for 408 English, 47 Boers wounded for 315 English. This really is an impressive result for the Boers, who almost managed to avenge their dead tenfold. Kudos.

Clearly, this was a pretty clear-cut war- which in a way is its biggest problem. I think it definitely loses something in the duration- not even a year? That’s never going to compete with the Hundred Years War, is it? It doesn’t have the stamina to beat the competition. And actually, although the Pretoria convention wasn’t signed until August, the conflict ended on the 23^rd March 1881- just 13 weeks after it began. I’m not debating that it was a pretty punchy war for its duration, but really a 3 month war just isn’t worth having.

So saying, good did triumph over evil, which is a solid selling point of any war. It’s pretty clear that anytime an empire is beaten back, this is good news. I also just can’t help coming back to those numbers; so decisive. As much as I’d like to throw the First Boer War out of the running, I just can’t do it: it’s small in stature, but big in bloodshed.

Looking at weaponry and tactics then, we’re not seeing anything special. The rifle had been the mainstay of the weaponry world since the American Civil War almost twenty years before- no tanks, no bombs, no mines. This is a really back-to-basics approach, which can be risky. Luckily the gamble pays off, as tactics save the day here: guerrilla warfare, sieges and ambushes. You get everything in one tiny, 3 month package. The sniping on the Boers’ part is also pretty impressive, as they used skills they had learned as hunters, and made every shot count. They also used only their hunting weapons, which were (surprise) mostly rifles, but I guess they do get points for working with what they have. Good improvisation.

The British forces were better armed, with bayonets giving them the advantage at close quarters; as I mentioned, however, the Boers were awesome at long range; this really had a lot of potential as a war. The empire just wasn’t belligerent enough though, and gave up after losing only 13.6% of their total force. With a bit more effort on their part, this war could have been a lot longer. As it was, there had to be a sequel to accommodate all the success, but I’m not sure this was a good move; recognition isn’t high, people get confused, think it’s all just one big war- badly managed.

With more attention to detail, this could- and should- have been the main event of the late 19^th century; it should have been the supporting act for the First World War. It wasn’t, however, it got lost in its own success. If you’re looking for a good war, and you’re pressed for time, then the First Boer War is a good choice- but to be honest, it doesn’t stand up to the competition more generally, which is a shame. Sorry First Boer War, you had a lot of potential but you really let yourself down. You could’ve been fun, but you end up just being mediocre: how Boering.

1648

2011-06-25T18:25:00.004+01:00

Review: 1648

Category: Years

Author: Pope Gregory XIII

Rating: 47%

The year 1648 in the Gregorian calendar is a leap year, and as such is currently agreed to signify a 366 day period of human history. The specific 366-day period known as 1648 preceded the one called 1649, and followed shortly after the one known as 1647. It is expressed as MDCXLVIII in roman numerals.

1648 was definitely a slow-news year, with not a great deal going on: but that’s okay, a neutral year can still be great; it’s definitely better than 1939, for example, or 30, which is unpopular for a couple of reasons. In terms of the solar system at large, 1648 was also a very uneventful year- although since man invented the telescope at the beginning of the 17^th Century, the planets were now under surveillance and had to stop slacking off.

This was a pretty good year for the ending of wars. The eighty years war ended in January, and the thirty years war ended in October- meaning a total of 110 years of war were put to rest. Sadly however, Oliver Cromwell invaded London, initiating the second half of the English civil war, and in the Ukraine the Khmelnytsky Uprising began as well, resulting in the massacre of 20,000 jews- so overall, we'll call it a wash.

In births and deaths, the human race lost a few people you’ve probably never heard of, and gained more of the same- along with the composer J.M. Bach, who is not to be confused with his more talented cousin, J.S. Bach. So close, 1648. So close.

In terms of human achievement we’re also coming back empty handed; nitric acid was discovered, and the land-ship was invented. I must admit, nitric acid is at least quite a powerful acid, even if it doesn’t have many uses- and is known to be strong enough to melt various metals and most organic materials. The land ship, on the other hand, is just a ship with wheels, and is one of the stupidest things I’ve ever seen.

In Boston, 1648 saw the execution of Margaret Jones, suspected witch. Her husband, also suspected of witchcraft, was later released. They knew that she was a witch because she had a third nipple, and predictions that she made sometimes came true. By that logic the modern world is absolutely infested with witches, so we could do with taking a leaf out of 1648's book. In any case, fun as this is, it’s a little overshadowed by events at Salem later that century, so 1648 has been outclassed again.

One event, however, gives 1648 its meagre but crowning glory: during the siege of Colchester, a certain cannon was blown off the wall, had a great fall, and inspired a nursery rhyme. God knows why, because honestly I can’t see why a child would ever be interested in the events of the civil war at all. Luckily, someone decided that Humpty Dumpty should actually be represented as a hideous part-man-part-ovum, which had a much greater and enduring appeal. Children are insane.

1648 was a poor year all round, and I don’t know about you but I could definitely get by without Humpty Dumpty and nitric acid. It could have been a lot worse, though, so we should be thankful for that, at least. As far as I know there are no plans to re-run 1648, and I- as well as 20,000 Jews and 1 witch- will be happy if it stays that way.

The Proton

2011-06-24T14:03:00.004+01:00

Review: The Proton

Category: Subatomic Particles

Author: Ernest Rutherford

Rating: 65%

The proton is a sub-atomic particle. All atoms include at least one proton, along with a given number of electrons and neutrons- of these three, commonly understood to be the composite particles of an atom, it is neither the largest nor smallest, with a weight of
1.672621777(74)×10^−27Kg. The proton resides in the core of the atom, with the neutron/s (if any), within the electron shell. A proton is composed of two up quarks and one down quark, held together by gluon-mediated strong force. It is stable on its own, and has an electric charge of +1e.

The proton is the mainstay of the atom, a solid and integral building block. It’s the sub-atomic equivalent of an iPod: everyone seems to have one. They’re less unpredictable than the electron, but more interesting than the neutron. They’re built to last as well: they don’t decay, and the strong force that holds them together is... strong.

So, the proton is pretty dependable- as far as we know. But this is where trouble lies: we can’t be sure whether protons decay or not. It has been hypothesised that they actually do, over a period of 10^36 years. No one has yet verified this- since 10^36 years is a long time, and also because a watched proton never decays.

There’s also the issue of space. The charge of the proton, from +/-0, is the same as that of an electron: 1. And yet the electron is about a thousand times smaller- where did all that space go? I’ve heard that it can be hard to stay positive sometimes, but this is ridiculous. Ergonomically, the proton is a particle with unresolved issues.

But the proton is undeniably successful- and, after all, gives the atomic number used to order elements of the periodic table. It doesn’t need electrons or neutrons- it can quite happily exclude either one, and still make either H+ or H-1. Obviously that wouldn’t make for a particularly interesting universe, but the possibility is there.

For this reason, I’m a fan of the proton. It doesn’t have to make jobs for electrons and neutrons, but it does- allowing them to support themselves. The proton is the altruist of the subatomic world, and I say credit where credit’s due. It takes up more space than the electron, but you get more for your money; and the intangible benefits are considerable. Bearing in mind the slight caveat of the unknown decay (or use-by) date, I do recommend this particle. The proton is a highly successful particle which no atom should- or, indeed, could possibly be- without.

"Do What You Can, With What You Have, Where You Are."

2011-06-23T12:26:00.005+01:00

Review: “Do what you can, with what you have, where you are.”

Category: Sayings

Author: Bill Widener, through Theodore Roosevelt

Rating: 95%

The phrase ‘Do what you can, with what you’ve got, where you are’, or its variant ‘do what you can, with what you have, where you are’, are quotations often attributed to Theodore Roosevelt, 26^th president of the United States of America. The words do appear in Roosevelt’s autobiography, in chapter IX, page 336, but the president attributes them to a squire Bill Widener, of Virginia. There is no metaphorical undertow to the phrase, it is entirely literal.

This is one of the best maxims ever, especially when compared with other quotations attributed to Roosevelt, such as ‘A perfectly stupid race can never rise to a very high plane; the negro, for instance’. This time, however, he’s really nailed it: the phrase never stops being good advice.

It would have been nice if Roosevelt hadn’t stolen the idea from someone else, but if Bill Widener was too selfish to write this great thought down, fine. He doesn’t deserve the credit for it. It’s not very punchy, but it’s more a mantra than a quotable quote, so you’ve got to forgive it really. There’s no imagery or subtext- no bullshit, because Teddy tells it like it is (except for the negro thing, that was a bit of a misfire).

I guess the downside is that if you followed this tenet the whole time, you’d never move. Some sort of motive needs to be inserted- ‘Do what you can, with what you have, where you are, or go somewhere else’ might be better. Or maybe something figuratively motive: 'do what you can, with what you have, where you are, if you want'.

I give up, the phrase is impossible to improve; I have nothing else to say. Carry this sage advice with you always. If you want.

Hinduism

2011-06-22T15:25:00.002+01:00

Review: Hinduism

Category: Religion

Author: Anonymous. Attributed variously to Brahman, Early Hindus, and Space Aliens.

Rating: 88%

Hinduism is one of the oldest surviving religions, and is a cultural tradition derived from a very diverse set of sources. Perhaps most important of these are the Vedas, which may have been written as early as 1500 BCE. Hinduism centres, as a religious practice, on the worship of the trimurti, or holy trinity: Brahma, Shiva and Vishnu. These three are the primary aspects of the divine, responsible for the creation, destruction and maintenance of the world respectively. So saying, other devas, or deities, are also worshipped- prominently Lord Ganesh- and, in fact, the worship of Brahma is far less popular than the worship of lesser devas or even avatars, human forms of the devas. This also means that Hinduism has a great number of denominations, although strife between these dominations is virtually unheard of. Hindus believe in the reincarnation of the human Atman, or soul, the final goal of which is to achieve union with Brahman, the divine spirit.

Religion is often pretty constrictive. Pray here, sing this, praise him, anoint that- a person’s worship is never done. Hindusim is really a breath of fresh air. Don’t feel like worshipping Brahman? Fine, pick one of his three main forms. Don’t like Shiva, Brahma or Vishnu? Fine, worship one of the other Devas. Still can’t find one you like? Pick one of the Avatars then. You really can’t complain; there’s something for everyone. You can even change your mind down the road, because guess what? You’ll still be worshipping Brahman.

And we’re not talking your run-of-the-mill lesser gods here, we’re talking some of the most interesting deities I’ve ever come across. Elephant-headed Ganesh is the most obvious example, but from the four arms of blue-skinned Vishnu to the laser-shooting third eye of Shiva, Hinduism is chock-full of eye-candy. This is a lifelong religion that will keep you guessing all the way: you never know what might turn up.

In terms of religious rituals we’re not looking at anything too demanding, either. Worship is conducted via veneration of a murti, or icon, and is just as effective at home as at a temple, since Brahman is immanent. Japa, ritualistic chanting, is also popular and can be practiced on-the-go, using one of any number of Mantras- Om, for example, is a particular favourite.

Pilgrimage is also an option, although it isn’t- of course it isn’t- mandatory. In fact, killing two birds with one stone is the best idea here, since most pilgrimage destinations also hold religious festivals, which are another great way to spiritualise your day. There’s a lot of choice if you’re a Hindu- but no pressure.

A couple of concerns that I would raise are, firstly, the caste system- whereby society is stratified into four endogamous layers plus untouchables, who are excluded- and secondly the Hindu-Muslim violence under partition. Now, Hindus endorse pacifism, which is a good idea, however some very bad things did happen after partition; since it seems like this was a one-off, I’ll let it slide, but it does give pause for thought. The caste system is also not a great idea; although it does have its upsides, it’s not for everyone.

You’ll also want to have a pretty good memory as a Hindu; you don’t need to just remember all the devas and avatars, but also who goes in which caste, and who you shouldn’t be marrying- or touching, for that matter. This is the flipside of that great choice that’s on offer, although I think it’s worth it in the end; make Ganesh your role model, he never forgets.

But these concerns pale into insignificance in the face of the benefits of Hinduism. Overall, a great little religion with an amazing history and a lot of wiggle-room. If you’re in the market for a new religion, Hinduism could well be the best Veda go.

The Tree Kangaroo

2011-06-21T09:46:00.004+01:00

Review: The Tree Kangaroo

Category: Animals

Author: Anonymous, variously attributed to Evolution/God

Rating: 13%

The Tree Kangaroos are a family of tree-dwelling mammalian macropods native to Australasia. The group is a small one, consisting of approximately 12 species. As the name suggests, they are descended from the orthodox macropods- kangaroos and wallabies- although they have a number of adaptations which help them exist in an arboreal habitat, such as strong forearms and long tails. They range in length between 81 and 164cm, and weigh in at up to 14.5Kg. They are primarily herbivorous, although they will take eggs to supplement their diet of leaves. They can take a 60 foot drop without injury.

It’s hard to imagine an animal more crappy than the tree kangaroo, a creature that is actually as stupid as it sounds. A flawed concept from the beginning, the tree kangaroo has failed to improve its situation- it’s not well adapted to living in trees. In fact, it’s just like a regular kangaroo, but stuck in a tree: I resent the lack of thought here. Clearly whoever came up with this animal just wanted to ride on the back of the regular kangaroo's success.

I don’t know whether it’s God or evolution who should take the blame for this monstrosity- and since they can’t agree whose idea it was, I’m going to assume they both are. Evolution has thrown up some impressive specimens in the past, but clearly it just hasn’t made the effort here- the tree kangaroo has no natural competitors, so evolution has abandoned it. If God is responsible, then this is one of his worst ideas to date- and the fact that he had access to infinite knowledge and infinite power in order to create this creature boggles the mind. Someone is at fault here: nothing has gone right for the tree kangaroo.

The tree kangaroo explores its habitat by holding onto one branch with its forearms, and hopping along the branch it’s standing on sideways. This is a stupid idea. You might also expect that, once on the ground, the tree kangaroo would make up for its clumsiness in the trees by working even better on terra firma. Wrong. On the ground, the tree kangaroo is even worse: their tails are too heavy, so they have to lean forward and hop awkwardly along. At least the sloth, which also sucks at geolateral perambulation, is a good swimmer and economical in the branches. The tree kangaroo can’t do anything.

The tree kangaroo is currently being hunted to extinction because hunting them is, as one might imagine, ridiculously easy. They don’t taste particularly good, but trust me when I say that the hunters are doing us all, and the kangaroos, a favour. The tree kangaroo is the Jar-jar of the animal world; please join me in hoping they all get replaced by lemurs.

Narnia

2011-06-20T20:06:00.004+01:00

Review: Narnia

Category: Countries

Author: Aslan

Rating: 44%

Narnia is a country in the world known as Narnia, and can also refer to the empire held by that country. The nation of Narnia existed the moment the world of Narnia was created, and continued to exist until that world was destroyed, after 2555 years of Narnian time. It’s unclear how Narnian time relates to Earth time, but it seems that the world of Narnia existed, roughly, between 1900 and 1949 CE. Narnia is traditionally a kingdom. It has a significant coastline on its Eastern side, where it borders the Bight of Calormen. It also borders the Western Wild on the West, Ettinsmoor to the North, and the kingdom of Archenland to the South. The principle economic resource of the country is its river, the great river of Narnia, which is used for trade, travel and fishing. Citizens of Narnia are very diverse, but include amongst other things talking animals, dwarfs, fauns and humans. The capital of Narnia is the citadel town of Cair Pavarel.

Narnia is full of talking animals, and that bothers me. There are also centaurs, and minotaurs, and fauns and satyrs and dwarfs and witches- it’s good to be multi-cultural, but we have to draw a line somewhere. I mean, not everyone can use the same municipal buildings, for Christ’s sake. The beavers don’t want a library now, but what if they did? I’m just saying, it’s not a practical way to live. I don’t want to offend anyone- what if something complimentary to horses is offensive to otters? You’ve always got to be on your toes, and do remember to never ask for meat in restaurants. It’s obviously quite a touchy subject.

That said, the citizenry of Narnia is very diverse, which always keeps things fresh. They seem to have a thriving economy, despite having no real natural resources, so no worries there either. In the absence of other information, I attribute this success to the state currency, the lion. Although conversion rates are unspecified, I would assume that it is somewhere between the Euro and the Sterling. The economic workings of Narnia are hazy at best, as no real records are kept in this area- although we can safely assume that, like every other country, they owe China money- so don’t count on any investments here holding their value.

Narnia is, of course, a kingdom in the truest sense of the word. I can’t help but think that this is a little outdated. It’s all very well to maintain a working monarchy for sentimental value, but to actually use that as a method of governance is pushing it. Historically, Narnia has been incredibly lucky; many dictators and usurpers have been ousted in ways that seem very unlikely. I won’t criticise their good luck, but I will say that it speaks volumes about the stability of your country when it has to be saved by children. One would assume this was something of a reality check.

I must admit, running on Narnian time is a bonus. One Narnian year equates to one Earth week, so there’s the obvious opportunity to get a lot more done. Sadly, Narnia is hugely backward in its approach to technology, and never harnessed electricity, so whatever you’re planning on getting done there had better not include internet access or telecoms.

The Narnian climate is very unpredictable; they once had what locals cordially refer to as a ‘hundred year winter’. It’s no exaggeration. This, of course, hurts tourism in Narnia immensely- and in fact, less than fifty people have ever travelled from an Earth country to Narnia. Of course transport is also a factor- a very complex process involving a wardrobe (I won’t go into it, suffice it to say that it's unnecessarily complicated, and doesn't involve customs checks of any kind)- so altogether Narnia is a holiday no-go.

Some may read it as quirky, but I say Narnia is a very unpredictable country, and I wouldn’t recommend it as a holiday destination or as a place of residence. It certainly has potential though: a little racial segregation, someone to do the accounts- this could be a great place. I admire Aslan for trying, but something’s definitely lacking here: planning. Chin up, Aslan- I look forward to reviewing countries founded by you, and other type-of-Christ lions, in the future.

Forbidden Fruit

2011-06-20T12:11:00.005+01:00

Review: Forbidden Fruit

Category: Fruits

Author: God, a.k.a Allah, a.k.a Jehovah

Rating: 8%

The Forbidden Fruit, or Knowledge of Good and Evil fruit, is similar to the grape in appearance, but finer. It has a very distinctive and pervasive smell, and grows from a tree much like the tamarind tree. It has never been cultivated by humans, although the God of the Abrahamic religions is known to have done so. The fruit is very good to eat, but comes with a hideous moral implication, and is very hard to come by since the species of tree which bears it has been extinct since the fall of man- roughly 2000 BCE.

The forbidden fruit has received mixed reviews over time; God went on record saying it was a terrible thing to eat, and in fact expressly forbidding its consumption (hence the name). On the other hand, the serpent gave it five stars, and Eve strongly recommended it to every other human in the world. Why the difference in opinion?

The key here is that God is the only known cultivator of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil, and is also the only person to have slated it. Suddenly, it’s not an edict- it’s a marketing decision. Controlled substances enjoy a huge market value and a bustling trade; God knows that, not only because he’s a shrewd businessman, but because he knows everything. Criminalize the fruit, profits rocket, God sells his shares and quits his day job (as superintendent and landlord of Eden). It’s win-win, except for Adam and Eve, who get evicted.

Objectively though, the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil doesn’t have much to add to the average fruit salad. Although the appeal is strong- forbidden fruit- there really isn’t much to be had here; the price is prohibitive, and the flavour isn’t up to much as far as I'm concerned. Why bother causing the fall of man every time you eat, when you could just have grapes? Sure, these are better than your average grape, but at those prices you can afford the highest quality grapes on the market. Rumours that it can make you a God are also strongly overstated.

I don't like to point the finger- after all, I'm a reviewer, not an investigative journalist- but it seems to me there's something very suspect about the business practice here. The customer testimonials don't add up: the serpent is now widely believed to be a pseudonym of Lucifer the Fallen, who is now CEO of Hell. What was his last job? Morning Star in Heaven, of course, under the management of God. Adam and Eve, staunch supporters of the fruit, changed their tune once they were evicted from Eden. I'm not making accusations- but is this the kind of business you want to support with your fruit money? Buy a fairtrade banana, for God's sake.

The knowledge of good and evil fruit has been carried a long way by great advertising. The production values are poor, however, and there’s no USP; the fruit is entirely middle-of-the-road. I know there’s the cult value, and everyone wants to try it once, but don’t be taken in. Bottom line: don’t try this fruit- it’s definitely not worth your trouble. The forbidden fruit isn't always the sweetest, it just always makes the sweetest profit for God.

China

2011-06-19T19:40:00.005+01:00

Review: China

Category: Countries

Author: Fu Xi

Rating: 86%

China is a country on the continent Asia, planet Earth. The name is actually derived from a Persian word- in the Chinese language, Mandarin, China is referred to simply as ‘The Central Kingdom’. China has one of the longest continuous histories in the world, spanning over 4,000 years. The country is home to one of the wonders of the world- the great wall of china, which many still erroneously believe can be seen from space. The Chinese people have been responsible for many significant technological advancements, such as gunpowder and the wheelbarrow. Including the great wall, they have built enough defensive structures to encircle the globe 1.5 times; they also have the world’s largest standing army, and second-largest defence budget. China has been subject, historically, to dynasto-imperial rule. Today, the People’s Republic of China- under the Communist Party of China- is the largest and most populous state in the world, with 1.3 billion citizens spread over 9,640,821 square kilometres. They have the fastest growing economy in the world.

China is probably the most evil country in the world. There is a lot of evidence for this, but probably the best piece is its subjugation of Tibet, which is probably the most peaceful and spiritual country in the world. China managed to get away with stealing all of Tibet’s assets, citizens and land via the simple exponent of moving in and changing Tibet’s name to ‘the autonomous region of China’, which was clearly enough to allay suspicion.

No one seems to be able to argue with China, because everyone owes China money. America, for example, owes China $900,000,000,000 as of the beginning of this year. That’s quite a lot. They say money can’t buy happiness- and even if it could, China wouldn’t, because it’s a bitter country that hates the world.

China’s problems began in the 19^th century, when it slept through the industrial revolution. As a result of this it fell behind all the other countries, and it hasn’t forgiven them since. Now it’s caught back up, and it’s still not happy.

China is the only country to censor Google in a way so misleading that even Google couldn’t put up with it. A search for ‘Dalai Lama’ wouldn’t even return any results on Google.cn- it would just bring up an error message. Probably something along the lines of Error: your government’s conscience has become contaminated. Just kidding, it’s a standard error message. And the Chinese government has no conscience.

China is currently making a habit of building ghost-cities. It consumes more building materials per capita than any other state, and the majority is going into building roads, housing and amenities that are entirely unused. Why? To try and lower the obscene property prices in the main cities, of course. But no one wants to move to the new cities, because there’s nothing there. Bummer.

Obviously, China is therefore a very evil country. But it’s awesome at being an evil country. Iraq, Russia, Afghanistan- they’re all evil, of course. But who else but China could kill Tibetan children with one hand, and welcome you to the Olympic games in Beijing with the other? No one can do what China does- if you're looking for an evil country, it's hard to imagine a better choice: it’s not just an evil country, it’s an evil genius country. If evil's not your thing though, this probably isn't the country for you- it certainly isn't for everyone. I recommend that it be given the whole of Antarctica to use as its grim and icy lair. They call it China because it’s China take over the world [read it out loud]; one of these days it will probably succeed.

The Internet

2011-06-18T12:25:00.009+01:00

Review: The Internet

Category: Inventions

Author: Lawrence Roberts, Vinton Cerf and Robert Kahn

Rating: 23%

The internet is a term coined in 1974 to refer to a global ‘network of networks’ which use transmission control protocol/internet protocol, or TCP/IP. The network grew out of ARPANET, a network which used packet switching created for and by DARPA (then ARPA). ARPANET was launched in 1969. ARPANET was primarily a network of sites, and by the end of 1971 15 sites had already been established. BBN’s Telenet, a commercial version of ARPANET, was operational in 1975- and was open to the general public. On January 1^st 1983, ARPANET’s hosts were switched from NCP to TCP/IP, and in 1995 the backbone networks were replaced by commercial internet providers. The internet as the general population currently understands it is the product of Sir Tim Berners-lee’s World Wide Web project; the majority of people today access the web through web browsing software, and navigate between sites via hyperlinks and URLs. Increasingly, human activity is being relocated to the internet; social networking, media, commerce and education are now all commonly practiced through the medium of the internet. The internet is commonly regarded as a repository for the sum of human knowledge, and is therefore also seen as one of the greatest technological achievements of all time.

The internet is a great idea. How could it fail? A network to connect human beings of all races and creeds, of all nationalities must surely be a good idea. After all, Shakespeare has this to say on the nature of man:
“What a piece of work is a man! How noble in
Reason! How infinite in faculties! In form and moving
how express and admirable! In action how like an Angel!
In apprehension how like a god! The beauty of the
world! The paragon of animals!”
So how could the internet, the connection of such beings, be a bad idea? Oh, I remember: because that’s not what mankind is like at all, Shakespeare. Mankind is greedy, and stupid, and selfish, and borderline criminal. In fact, if Shakespeare could see that on YouTube.com, Kenneth Brannagh performing Hamlet’s soliloquy of Act III, Scene I had less than one fifth the popularity of Rebecca Black performing ‘Friday’, then he would probably revise his opinions. He'd probably even leave an angry comment on it, and be shouted down by some moron with caps lock on. Sometimes the truth is ugly.

It’s often said that the internet is composed mainly of pornography. But this doesn’t quite take in the multiplicity of the network; it’s also an excellent medium for the dissemination of viruses, mass copyright infringement and various criminal activities. It has also become an ideal forum for race-hate, as well as gender-hate, nationality-hate and general hatred. It is the only place you can watch footage of a woman receiving oral sex from a Tapir. Worst of all, it has brought the shameless self-indulgence of the blog into the world.

That said, these faults are not with the internet, but rather with users of the internet. The internet itself simply allows greater communication between people. It’s hard to imagine how greater communication can bring beneficial results, however; where communication is concerned, less is more. Facebook, a prominent social networking site, was invented so that people who have nothing to say could say it to more people than ever before. Another, Twitter, improved the formula by reducing the character limit for tweets, arbitrarily, to 140 characters- so that people wouldn’t have to feel so bad that they didn’t have anything to say, since you can’t really say anything in 140 characters anyway. Presumably the design will be perfected when a company creates a social networking tool which allows you to constantly remind other users of your existence, without the need for any content at all.

The internet does have one upside. Humans are so infatuated with it that they now carry devices which can access it wherever they go. These devices create radiation and heat, and as such are likely to reduce the fertility and lifespan of the user. As such, the internet is an excellent tool in the total eradication of human life. There's even an admirable thoroughness about the process: while people erase the achievements of art and culture by watching YouTube and reading blogs, radiation is ruining their ovaries and testicles. The only problem is the timescale- it’s taking too long. Eradication methods such as the smart bomb or superviruses are far more effective, and so the internet is not even king in this market.

Overall, whether it’s the propagation of human culture and learning you’re after, or the total eradication of human life as a whole, the internet is not the way to go. In theory another, less inherently evil race might make use of it, but they'd probably get sick of it within days because they wouldn't be self-indulgent enough. The internet is hereby cancelled.