On Being Daddy

Great Article on CNN.com from Parenting.com

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy) — Fri, 17 Oct 2008 15:57:00 +0000

Why moms get jealous when dads bond with kids

This article outlines very well how traditional societal expectations have undermined the roles of both fathers and mothers in modern parenting.

My wife and I have struggled with this on more than one occasion and have really started to make an effort to become a better team rather than go down the path of "this is my job and that is your job". The conclusion that we have come to is that there really are no tasks that only she can do or I can do. We just work together to make sure that what needs to be done gets done and if one of us is sick or has their hands full the other needs to step up and fill in.

The keys are communication... asking for help when it is needed (not trying to be "super-parent")... and more importantly being able to admit to yourself when you need help (knowing that nobody is "super-parent").

Sometimes They'll Just Surprise You...

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy) — Sun, 12 Oct 2008 01:32:00 +0000

Kids are funny like that. One day they'll be driving you absolutely bonkers with a particular behavior. You'll be pulling your hair out just to try and figure out how to get them to stop. Then, one day, with no great amount of fanfare, they will just stop.

My oldest daughter was giving us a horrible time about going to sleep. It seemed like nothing we did was working. One night she was even up until nearly 2 in the morning. My wife and I were going back and forth between our room and her room. We tried rocking her, we were stern with her, we were sweet to her... we even tried taking her stuffed Spongebob away (horrible idea). Finally she just went to sleep.

Other nights we had to read multiple stories, and endure her screeching at the top of her lungs when we would turn out the light. I did finally figure out that if I sat in the rocking chair while she laid in bed she would eventually fall asleep. This method was not without it's complications. I had to listen very carefully to how she was breathing so I would know when she was asleep. At that point I knew I could likely sneak out of the room. This was tricky as she would occasionally pop her head up to make sure that I was still there and if I tried to leave too early she would freak out.

We were at wits end with this. Our normal bedtime ritual had grown from an easy 20 minutes to an arduous 2 hour ordeal.

Then... just last night my wife read her two stories... I read her two stories... and when I told her it was time to rock she grabbed her stuffed Hello Kitty toy and climbed into my lap and put her head down on my shoulder. "I love you, daddy..." was all she simply said. After about 2 minutes she decided to get down from my lap and crawled into bead. She gave me the usual hug and kiss and told me to turn the light off and go downstairs. I did, and she slept straight through until 8 am the next morning.

She did the same thing again tonight.

When your children make changes like that and they do it mostly on their own, it just makes you wonder.

This needs to stop...

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy) — Fri, 15 Aug 2008 12:16:00 +0000

I beg you to read this article. It will break your heart...

New Year's baby's death shatters family, relationships

We need to put an end to this kind of senseless abuse. As stated in the article, "70-79% of the people convicted of hurting or killing babies are men... 82% of those are either the father or live-in boyfriend of the mother".

I know how frustrating a crying baby can be; my wife and I went through it with both of our girls. Molly, our youngest, cried for 3 hours straight after she was born. Until she was about 3-4 months old we used to tell people that after 6 PM Molly was either eating, sleeping, or screaming. She would often times scream until she was hoarse. It was probably one of the most trying experiences I've ever had as a parent thus far.

Here's what I suggest when dealing with a crying baby:

Lay the baby down in a safe place (i.e. crib, play pen, swing) and walk away
Call for help
DO NOT pick the baby up again until you are calm

Don't ever be afraid to admit that you don't know what to do. A baby's only method of communicating that something is wrong is to cry. That's all they know. Guys, we're all hard wired through years of social and evolutionary conditioning to need to "fix it". Being a good father teaches you that there are some things you won't know how to fix at first and somethings that you just can't fix no matter how hard you try. The best thing you can do for a crying baby is love them, talk to them, snuggle them, kiss them. You never know the level of tenderness that you are capable of until you become daddy.

Here are some important links:
National Center on Shaken Baby Syndrome
Prevent Child Abuse America
Shaken Baby Task Force

The 3 P's of Paternity

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy) — Mon, 11 Aug 2008 16:41:00 +0000

Patience... Presence... and Partnership...

P #1 - Patience:

Everyone knows that you're supposed to be patient with your children. I consider it to be one of those, "Well, duh!" things that you just do. Kids require it from their fathers (and mom, too). Having a child will often prove to be one of the most frustrating things you can ever do in life. But, it's not just the child that you need to be patient with. It's yourself. You have to have the patience to allow yourself to learn to be a good father. Even if you've read all the parenting books in the world, the first time you hold that little baby in your arms you will realize that all of that information gathering was just academic and you know how to apply absolutely NONE OF IT! Don't panic, get centered, and be patient with yourself. Nobody is born a good parent... you have to learn it... and earn it.

P #2 - Presence:

Simply put, the first thing you need to do to be a good father is to "be there". That's not all it takes, but without presence the rest of it falls apart. It doesn't just start when the kid is born either. It means participation in the pregnancy... doctor's appointments, back rubs, reading a story to the baby while it's still in the womb (don't worry, they can hear you). All those things are not just for your child's benefit. They are for yours as well. It builds your relationship with your child, and your partner. It was a thrill for me to know that when my first child was born she recognized me by my voice. She knew who her daddy was. You can't put a value on that.

P #3 - Partnership:

You don't raise a child by yourself. Even if you're a widower you've still got people who will be a part of your child's life. The child's mother, grand-parents, step-mother, nanny, teacher, Aunts, Uncles, etc. All of these people are in partnership with you to raise your child and like it or not you need them; you can't do it alone. So, listen to them, call them for help... your child will thank you for it. Often times these people love your child as much as you do; let them show it. I've always said that my daughters receive so much love from everyone they know that they have to give it away to everyone that they meet.

Sent in by a reader...

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy) — Tue, 22 Jul 2008 00:00:00 +0000

Wow... I have readers.

Anyway, reader, J. Denney was kind enough to send me a link to a great video that was produced by The National Responsible Fatherhood Clearinghouse. There is a lot of great information available on the site and I would highly recommend it for anyone interested.

Here is a link to the actual downloadable file...
http://fatherhood.gov/documents/media/tv/supersoaker30captions.wmv

...and here is the video from YouTube

That's what it's all about.

Thanks, J. Denney!

I suspect they think that we're stupid...

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy) — Thu, 26 Jun 2008 14:03:00 +0000

As I mentioned in my last post, I do not believe that most fathers choose to act the way they do, they just don't know any better. It's a form of social conditioning if you really sit down and think about it. Society teaches us that men need to be shown how to be a parent while women instinctively just "know" it. The reality of the situation is that EVERYONE needs to learn how to be a parent. Even if you had a good example growing up you still need to learn how to apply it to your own children. That said, many of us didn't have good examples growing up and so we're stuck with what we can piece together from other sources (i.e. TV and Movies)...but often times, those suck too. Sure there's always Cliff Huxtable, but it's easy to be a good father when you're an affluent physician whose private practice is in in the basement of your house.

TV/Movie dads often fall into one of two categories:

The "lovable oafs" whose partners play the voice of reason and must constantly keep them on track ultimately resulting in them having the traditional dramatic "daddy epiphany".
The father whose partner leaves/dies and must put down his "BBoBs" (Big Bag of Bullshit) and "step-up" to the responsibilities of being a parent. Thus again resulting in the big dramatic "daddy epiphany".

I'll be delving deeply into the portrayal of dads on TV and in the movies in future posts.

So what's a dad to do? How about books or magazines? Yeah, I tried that. There isn't much out there that is geared specifically toward fathers. Try it yourself. Go into any bookstore and grab a "generic" parenting book off the shelf and flip through it. You will find that most of them are very openly "mommy-centric" and many of them will go so far as to have a special chapter just for dads which is often trite and insulting simply due to the "pat on the head" patronizing nature of the language used in it. Most parenting magazines are even worse and center completely around the mother's relationship with the children. In almost every issue there will be an article geared towards how the mother can get the father to do something. That's not to say that there isn't a lot of good information in these books and magazines, but you have to be willing to sift through the mom-stuff and dig out the information that applies to both parenting roles.

Your best bet is to talk to other dads. Read things written by other dads... like this blog (though, again, I am no expert). Most important, you need to treat your role as a father like you would a career. Learn as much as you can from wherever you can and make it your own. Frankly, you'll be a father for the rest of your life, so if you're going to excel at something, shouldn't it be that?

Am I really that different?

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy) — Sat, 21 Jun 2008 01:58:00 +0000

I just don't get it. I've been thinking about this all day and decided that I needed to write this out and maybe make some sense of it.

Am I really that different from other fathers?

My mother said to me not too long ago that she'd never seen any man be the kind of father that I am. To quote her directly, "you're different because you actually parent your children." What does that mean? I really don't consider anything that I do with my girls to be anything extraordinary. Then again I have seen a lot of friends and acquaintances go through fatherhood, both before me and since I've become one and yes, there seems to be a difference. For them there seems to be a very clear line between their responsibilities with their children and their wives/girlfriends responsibilities. That's not to say that they don't love their children. Quite the contrary in fact. I'll give you some examples...

When the kids are sick or daycare falls through... the mom stays home. For my wife and I, we try and split it 50/50... though often times it is easier for me to stay home.
When the kids need to go to the doctor... mom takes them. My wife and I go together most of the time... I say most because there have been a handful of times that I have taken them by myself or she has.
When it comes to teaching them (colors, numbers, shapes... etc.)... mom does the bulk of it. Again... we share it.

I'll elaborate on this more in a later post.

So what does that all mean? Not a clue. Here's some thing else I've noticed. When I'm at the daycare center, either dropping off or picking up, I often see fathers picking up their children and just simply heading out the door. They don't really ever ask any questions or attempt to really find out, in detail, how their child's day went. I noticed that some of the teachers were surprised to find out that I was going to ask as many questions about my child's day as my wife would. Here's something else... when the teachers do ask one of the fathers a question I will often hear a response of either, "You'll have to ask his/her mother" or simply a flat, "I don't know."

I laid it on the table for the teacher in our baby, Molly's room. I told her to never hesitate to ask me a question about Molly as I make it a point to know just as much as her mother when it comes to her care. The teacher was surprised, but quickly learned that I wasn't kidding.

At this point, I guess you're ready to ask me how is it that I think I know so much? The fact is that I don't. I'm just taking the "mistakes" that my own father(s) made and tried hard to not make the same ones. Were they really mistakes? I'll be digging into that one in the future, suffice it to say at this point I don't know, but in my mind they were.

Why do I think I'm right? I'll tell you...

This past January, on the day Molly was born my in-laws had taken Sophia and brought her up to hospital that evening. I had them call me when they arrived so that I could bring her in alone, let he see her mother, and then meet the baby on her own terms. When they called me I stepped out of the room and found that they were about 30 yards down the hallway looking though the glass into the nursery. My father-in-law was the first to spot me. He pointed and said, "Sophia, who's that? Is that daddy?" She turned, saw me and quite literally threw herself out of his arms and took off running. It took everything he had not to simply drop her. So, arms outstretched, pigtails flying behind her, screaming, "DADDY DADDY DADDY!!!", she ran toward me. Everyone in that hallway, doctors, nurses, other patients, all stopped dead in their tracks and watched this little girl run for her daddy. I squatted down and scooped her up into my arms and she wrapped her little arms around me, squeezing me as hard as she could muster.

Here's the kicker, that isn't a unique occurrence for me. She does that every time I pick her up from someplace ... and I've never seen another child at the daycare center do that to their father. I have seen other parents look on with envy as if to say, "Why doesn't my kid do that?"

So what is my point with all this? Am I "dad bashing"? Not really. I honestly believe that most dads just don't know any different. It's how their fathers were with them and that's the example they follow. Is it really that bad? Probably not. That said, I bet you're asking, "so what the heck is your point?!?"

My point is simply this... The love of a child for his/her parents is the purest, most unfiltered love that one can experience in the short time that we are on this earth. You have to grab it and hold on to it with both hands for as long as you can because it doesn't last forever. Yes, your kids will always love you, but as they grow older that love becomes sifted through the filters of time and experience. After that, though it is still warm and wonderful, it just isn't the same.

What did you call me?

noreply@blogger.com (Jeremy) — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 16:49:00 +0000

Dad... Daddy... Dada...

I've been all of those over the last couple of years since my oldest daughter, Sophia, was born. Now that I have two I've begun to wonder if I've got this whole "Daddy" thing figured yet or am I still just fumbling my way through being a father to my two girls. Even more than that, I've started to ask myself whether or not I really truly understand what being a father even means. The truth of the matter is that I am simply not sure, but I have an idea.

So it is my goal, for however long it takes, to bring all of you with me on my journey through fatherhood. To see if we can figure out together what it really means to be called, "Daddy". I'm no authority on parenting. I'm just a guy with two amazing kids and a hope to raise them right.