On Raven's Wings

Confession

2011-01-17T11:17:00.000-05:00

Interested in reading about why I still miss the church of my early childhood? Head on over to my co-recovery blog, PTSDruids and check it out!

A Whirlwind of Ancestors

2011-01-11T11:49:00.001-05:00

It's been pretty amazing doing as much work with the ancestors of my blood as I have been recently. I never thought that I would ever be able to find ancestors of my blood that I could work with, and suddenly finding myself wanting to sit and learn with the 3 generations or so of great grandparents has been... just amazing. I can't really think of another word for it.

For those that don't know, I grew up in a generational cult. It was pretty messed up. I was pretty horribly abused in just about every way imaginable and when I first started out my journey with ADF I didn't have any ancestors that I had any sort of positive relationship and had just about resigned myself to having to accept that my ancestors were always going to be Outdwellers.

Well, I had just about resigned myself to it, but I was never happy with it, much less at peace with it. I was still finding myself having an overwhelming sense of grief and loss just about every time the ancestors were called on in ritual, with the exception of a couple of rituals that were very personally powerful to me. In those cases though, the ancestors that I was calling on were the Ancient Wise. Technically blood ancestors, but so many generations removed that they were fairly huge and impersonal and not spirits that I thought I could really get to know and work with on a personal level. They would always be bright shining lights just at the top of the next hill, lighting the way as they always have.

So, getting to know ancestors who are only a few generations removed has been huge. Even bigger has been getting a chance to start learning what things were supposed to look like before everything got so perverted over the past three generations and particularly under my uncle. Protip: it's not a great idea to have a psychopathic pedophile in a position of high leadership within an organization. Just sayin'. For the first time, I actually know who Nickolai and Mariah actually are. They aren't just names in a recitation of lineage now. Nickolai is an awesome guy who's a little bewildered at his modern great granddaughter and is appalled at what happened to me under Michael. Mariah is a beautiful, amazing woman who seems to want to just wrap me up in her love and start teaching me that women's mysteries don't have to suck.

All of this has been eating huge amounts of my attention here recently, but I wouldn't trade it for anything. Hopefully the whirlwind will settle down a bit soon so that I can start really getting in to to deeper work, but for now, I'll take it.

Ritual Attendance: Yule 2010, Hearth Shrine

2011-01-10T12:09:00.002-05:00

Yule ended up being a stay at home rite this time around. Due to weather and family issues making the drive up to Three Cranes Grove, ADF was regrettably inadvisable. So, instead my brother, JT, and I contacted our rite at our hearth shrine at home in Huntington, WV. We followed the ADF Core Order of Ritual. Most Three Cranes rites also include an outdwellers invocation, but we chose to skip over that particular portion as we were working within our own permanent temple space. The Deity of the Occasion was Sulis. In addition to the Kindreds we also chose to specifically make offering to the Household Guardian spirits as well.

This rite had a much different felling and timbre than Samhain. Since we were tending our own hearth shrine, we were both able to working on finding our own ritual voice, although we were pretty heavily drawing on the ritual voice of the Grove. This ritual also felt very different because rather than being surrounded by our entire community, it was just the two of us plus one friend we had invited to participate. So, this time around we were trying to be good hosts as well find our own ritual voices.

Another thing that really set this ritual apart was the specifically and intentionally building *ghosti with the Household spirits. Previously, we had both had some negatives experiences with the sidhe and with various land wights, but we have worked hard to establish bonds of *ghosti with our particular Household spirits. We decided that it was fitting to thank them for protecting our home and to give offerings in return.

The omens were very good, and very powerful for both of us. JT took the omen using the elder futhark. The first question that we asked was “Have our offerings been accepted?” and we received Algiz. This was taken to be a very good omen since it is a rune of protection and we had just made offering to the Kindreds that protect us. The second question was “What do the Kindreds offer in return and we recieved Dagaz, a very good omen for the celebration of the return of the sun. Our third and final question was “What further need do the Kindred have of us?” and we received Laguz. JT interpreted this to representing change and flow, and the waters breaking through the winter ice as the sun returns.

As we are both working through a lot of transformational work, the focus on protection and change and the breaking of a new dawn proved to be very powerful for both of us.

Working at our hearth shrine was actually a lot more fun than I expected it to be. I think we are going to start trying to make a point of meaningful domestic ritual after this experience.

Ritual Attendance: Samhain 2010 with 3CG

2011-01-10T11:51:00.002-05:00

I attended Samhain with Three Cranes Grove, ADF at Blacklick Woods MetroPark in Reynoldsburg, Ohio on October 31, 2010. The ritual was led by Leesa Kern along with Irisa MacKenzie and Shawneen. Rev. Michael Dangler was the advisory priest. Various members of the Grove also did parts.The Deity of the Occasion was Cernunnos. The rite followed the ADF Core Order of Ritual for High Days.

Omens were good. We asked “Have our offerings been accepted?” and recieved Thurisaz which our Seer interpreted to mean “strength”. The next question we asked was “What do the powers offer us in return?” and we received Sowolu which is commonly associated with solar powers. The final question that we asked was “What further needs do the Kindreds have of us?” and we received Mannaz, which deals with the inner self.

There were a couple of parts that stand out to me. During the offerings, we passed around a wreath and allowed the folk to tie black ribbons to the wreath and say a few words about a particular ancestor that is significant to them. The wreath is latter burned as an offering. The other part that really sticks out is the wedding during the working portion of the rite! I’d never previously been to a druidic style wedding and I thought it particularly cool that they were actually able to get married during one of our normal seasonal rites in the presence of the Kindreds and the community.

On a personal note, this rite had it’s ups and downs for me. This was the first rite that I brought my brother to. We both have fairly severe Complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder and that sometimes makes group work hard for both of us. This rite proved to be no exception to that and we both ended up having a few rough emotional moments when he ended up triggered and very sad at some point during the rite. This one was also a bit hard for me because of all of the children running around and playing in the leaves. It ended up bringing some memories back to the surface that I wasn’t really ready to deal with.

On the topic of child participation, despite my own personal issues with kids and it really cool to see the next generation actively participating and engaged with the rite. One of the children of the grove was the fire tender, drawing on his scouting experience. A couple of the children helped with the passing around of the wreath. There was a definite sense of community that I, at least, found deeply meaningful.

2009-10-02T02:40:00.003-04:00

Piety, Pain, and PTSD

Many neopagan traditions are more focused on orthopraxy than on orthodoxy. This means that right action is more important than right belief. Piety is all about right action. Piety can be defined as "correct observance of ritual and social traditions; the maintenance of the agreements, both personal and societal, that we humans have with the Gods and Spirits. Keeping the Old Ways, through ceremony and duty."* Observance of the High Days, and establishing a meaningful personal practice is a big part of this. That can be a hard thing to do under the best of circumstances. Now, imagine trying to do it while living with a chronic illness. This is the reality that I, and many others, live with every day.

One of the hardest lessons that I have had to learn while living with a chronic illness is that sometimes, I'm just not going to be well enough to do the things that I want to do, even if those things are normally relatively simple. My daily routine involves a devotional period before I head to bed at night, and if I'm at work and out in the community as the sun sets I'll take a couple minutes for silent prayer just as the city falls into full darkness. The sunset devotional I never have trouble getting done... it only happens as a break in my work day. The bedtime devotional, on the other hand, can be pretty problematic. After working all day, it's not uncommon for me to not have the energy to do much of anything once I get home. Some days, I'm in so much pain by the time that I get home that I will crawl in bed and literally pray to be able to just fall asleep. It's on days like this that I first started running in to issues with pain and piety.

Pain alone can be incredibly draining. When my pain level is particularly high, sometimes it's hard to think. It's hard to reason through much of anything. It's hard to *do* much of anything. Pain can also make it very hard to get up in the morning, and I've never been successful at maintaining a morning devotional practice. Think about a time when you had a bad case of the flu. You know the general aches and pains that you had when you were sick? That's as good an example as I can think of of the pain that I live with every day.

Chronic pain effects your entire body. It can cause mobility problems. When it hurts to move, it's hard to enjoy activities that require a lot of motion. It's hard to get enough sleep, so you are missing out on restorative sleep a lot of the time. The sleep disturbance can lead to an increase in depression, lower energy levels and it can cause memory problems. Depression is a big problem for chronic pain sufferers. Sometimes, the depression is a symptom and sometimes it's a result, and sometimes it's both! It can be incredibly frustrating to deal with the daily realities of chronic pain.

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder also presents some interesting challenges as far as piety. Sometimes all that it takes to push me over the edge into panic attacks, or flashbacks is a poorly timed word, a stray image, a word on a page, or even just a conversation with a friend that shouldn't be triggering. Imagine the worst experience of your life. Now, imagine being forced to repeatedly relive that event in full, graphic detail, even feeling the physical sensations that you felt during that event. This is one of the many realities of PTSD. Another challenge that it presents is dissociation. Dissociation is probably best described as "spacing out". It's a defense mechanism in which you've learned to "go somewhere else" to protect yourself from having to fully experience trauma. This may seem peaceful at first glance, but it's actually incredibly stressful. Dissociation also effects your entire body, and the physiological symptoms of extreme dissociation can be devestating. It exhausts the entire body; your nervous system, all of your organs, everything. To cite an example that a friend pointed out, dissociation is the same reflex that causes animals to "freeze" when they experience intense fear, and sometimes the animal doesn't survive the experience.

Between all of these problems, sometimes it's a wonder that I manage to get anything done. One thing that I have had a hard time learning is that sometimes piety isn't so much about the big actions, as it is about desire and intent. I usually desire to devote, but just don't have the stamina or focus, or I'm so dissociated that I'm too "out of it" to do the full daily rite that I would like to do. If I'm being honest, though, sometimes the desire isn't there. In these cases, I've really learned the truth of "faith follows action". The key to remember in this case is that it isn't necessarily about the big actions, it's about acting in the first place. I've had to learn that sometimes, all I am going to be able to do is say a few prayers, and that's okay. High Days are also difficult. Three Cranes is a three hour drive from home for me, and I'm not always up to making that drive. In the past, sometimes the only recognition I've been able to give to the High Days is a prayer and a general offering to all of the Kindreds, and sometimes the only offering I've been able to make is the effort that it took.

No one is perfect, and no one is going to be able to do everything that they want to do all of the time. It may be a bit more extreme for someone living with chronic illnesses, but I think the lessons that can be learned here are universal. The lesson to take home here is this; Piety doesn't have to be about the big actions, sometimes it's just doing the best that you can and the willingness to make the effort.

*ADF Dedicant's Manual, page 15

also posted to Multiple Magics

My shrine, and household altar

2009-07-29T05:36:00.003-04:00

Some pictures of my personal shrine -

And the Household altar and temple space

Peaceful Friday

2009-06-08T08:24:00.001-04:00

It's been a rough few weeks, so I was very happy to be able to spend friday on my own and away from most of the stress. After the first good night's sleep I've gotten in awhile, I got out of bed when A. started getting ready for work and decided to go spend some time out at Ritter Park. For awhile, I just enjoyed sitting out on a park bench flipping through the book that goes along with my oracle deck, familiarizing myself a bit more with some of the cards that I haven't seen turn up very often, listening to something on my mp3 player. What I was listening to, I couldn't really tell you as I had it on shuffle. After that I decided to go walking, sticking mostly to the lesser traveled wooded trails. I wanted to go to the top of the hill, but it had been raining and I was wearing tennis shoes, so most of the trails going up were too muddy. I did try once, but tripped before I'd gotten very far so thought better of it and turned back. Instead, I eventually ended up on a stone bridge over the creek in a small valley formed by a couple of large hills (I live in the Ohio River Valley, realllly hilly here). Sunset was still an hour or so away, but it was already starting to get dark here... this is the first place in the park to fall into darkness. I let myself just be still and enjoy the light breeze, and the sound of the water in the creek below me. Then, I offered up prayers and made offerings. A little bit of peace and sanity in pretty stressful circumstances. It was a good, much needed break

Freemind and DP

2009-05-27T12:22:00.001-04:00

Ever heard of mind-mapping? A mind map is a diagram used to represent words, ideas, tasks, or other items linked to and arranged around a central key word or idea. Mind maps are used to generate, visualize, structure, and classify ideas, and as an aid in study, organization, problem solving, decision making, and writing. (Definition pulled from Wikipedia, cause I'm too exhausted to figure out how to define things clearly myself) I've been playing around with a great free mind-mapping program called Freemind. It's been great for helping me look at all of the requirements and see quickly what I have done, what I still need to do, and what direction I'm taking some of it. I would highly recommend this to anyone who is needing help getting organized for either writing, or school. Great program, absolutely free, and open source.

Debating Summerland

2009-05-21T14:08:00.001-04:00

Summerland Gathering is coming up in a few months. I'm seriously debating whether or not I want to try to go. The cost is a bit high given our current budget, but I have time to save for it. My biggest concern is, once again, the whole being several hours from home, alone and dealing with this latest relapse thing. Argh, I really do want to go but I have no idea how well I'm going to handle it. I would feel a lot better about it if at least one other person who knows about my mental health issues and knows how to help if I do start triggering was going with me, but I'm pretty sure I will be on my own if I do go. A. doesn't feel particularly comfortable or welcome at ADF stuff so it's not really fair for me to drag him along. *sigh* I don't know what to do, will have to continue giving this some thought.

Safety in the Storm

2009-05-13T00:21:00.000-04:00

Dear Gods, why did I ever get out of the habit of daily devotionals? Six months ago, the idea of daily devotionals just seemed like a chore, now it's my safe haven. This is the one time a day when I actually feel focused, grounded... even peaceful. It allows me to refocus, recharge, and redirect some of the emotional energy that's been building up all day by the time I approach the altar. No matter what my mindset when I approach the altar, I'm always a little calmer, a little more balanced, a little more at peace by the time I leave. This, if nothing else, reminds me that I *have* made progress, and that even though I've hit a rough patch, I haven't *completely* lost everything I've worked for.

Spring Equinox with 3CG

2009-03-22T20:03:00.000-04:00

I just got home from Spring Equinox with 3CG. Spending the night went okay. I think I probably made a bit of a fool of myself partially due to overtiredness, and partially due to being more a gamer geek than either of my hosts. I suprisingly did get some decent sleep. It took forever to get to sleep, but once I got to sleep it was fine. No nightmares, which was a nice surprise. I really need to work on being too shy for my own good. I don't have much problem wandering up to a group of people and listening to their conversation... but joining the conversation is intimidating at best. *sigh* Sooo... both progress, and things to work on.

The rite itself was nice. It was 3CGs first Hellenic rite, which was interesting. I think it's the first Hellenic rite I've been to, now that I think about it. Pretty much everyone that I practice with here is either ecletic neo-pagan, Reclaiming, or Avalonian. All last week I was feeling pretty strongly pushed to attend this rite and wasn't sure why. Now I'm feeling a gentle, but all too familiar nudge to go study Persephone and to approach Her in my daily devotionals. Not something I was expecting, so this should prove interesting. Morrigan has made it very clear that She intends to continue Her patron/client relationship with me, but She also seems to approve of me working through this. *shrug* It's odd, but I'll go with it.

I'm exhausted and sunburned so I'm going to get some rest. How my arms managed to get burned when I only had my sweatshirt off for maybe half an hour I'm not sure, but they did. That's it for now! More later... probably later tonight actually.

Rambling on Definitions

2009-02-18T21:47:00.001-05:00

This is going to be a lot of rambling, and mostly stream of consciousness. I'm having trouble verbalizing a lot of what I've been thinking about and working on, so this is just an attempt to start getting some of it on paper. Feel free to skip this entry....

Sacrifice - "to make sacred or holy" from latin sacrificium: sacra, "sacred rites" + facere, "to make"
Consecrate - "to set apart, to make sacred or holy" from the consecratus, past participle of consecrare "to make holy, devote" from com - together and sacrare - sacred
Reciprocity - "the quality or state of being reciprocal"
Reciprocal - from latin reciprocus "returning the same way, alternating"
Offering - something offered
Offer - Old English ofrian, from latin offerre "to present, bestow, to bring before", in late latin "to present in worship"

Sacrifice tends to have a negative conotation to some. Sacrifice and offering also tend to be used interchangeably, although I see them as two seperate things. Sacrifice and consecration are inter-related. Both deal with setting something aside from mundane use and making it holy. Something that is consecrated tends to be set aside for sacred use, whereas something that is sacrificed tends to be made sacred and set aside from any use. Something that is offered is completely consumed in the offering, or if that is not possible, is thrown away from human use.

Neither sacrifice nor offering require a physical object to be offered. Time and effort can be just as much of a sacrifice or offering.

Sacrifice and offering are both things that are done as part of our reciprocal relationship with the divine. Our relationship with the divine is one of reciprocity, not (well, not always at least) a relationship between supplicant and master. We make offerings, and recieve the return flow.

Feel free to comment, just trying to direct my thoughts a bit.

House Altar

2009-02-13T16:10:00.000-05:00

I've come to the conclusion that we don't use the house altar as much as we used to. I do all of my personal stuff at my personal altar, which has a lot more stuff honoring Morrigan on it than the house altar because the husband doesn't have any sort of relationship with Her. Normally if we are doing household ritual all the ritual supplies and such get moved out on to the coffee table because it is much much easier to do ritual standing around it than in front of the house altar. I think part of this is because the house altar is now in the bedroom area rather than the living area (we live in a rather small efficiency, so there isn't really seperate rooms). Hmmmmm, I may try moving it back out into the living room and see what happens.

Chronic Pain and Paganism

2009-02-11T19:36:00.002-05:00

A bad thunderstorm rolled through earlier. It lasted about 45 minutes, and I don't think I've seen so much wind and rain in a very very long time. After the rain cleared, there was a rainbow right outside my office and a spectacular sunset. This yet again leaves me in awe of the fury and beauty of the forces of nature.

I've mentioned a few times that I've been thinking about a lot and just haven't been able to type it in. It's a little hard for me to put down all the thoughts into words, but part of it has been thinking about being pagan and living in chronic pain. As most of you know, for a variety of reasons, I will be in some degree of pain every day for the rest of my life. I've more or less accepted this reality as a lot of it is the result of serious injury. As I'm getting back into the habit of doing daily devotionals, I'm running into a problem that I had forgetten was a problem... *needing* to worship when I'm in enough pain that I really should just be going to bed. I've to some extent solved this by limiting my devotionals to quiet meditation on really bad days. This doesn't always work,but it is a possible solution. I've also more or less accepted that on some days I may not be able to do anything, and I'm pretty certain that my Gods can deal with that. I know that my Patrons at least understand and are not trying to require of me more than my body could handle.

The pain issues are also making my DP work a little difficult, but as I'm not overly concerned with finishing the DP within any specific time frame... not so much a big deal, just an annoyance. It's really really hard to work on anything remotely scholarly when light hurts my eyes and typing hurts my hands. I'm actually getting really annoyed with the frequency of headaches as they were previously under control. Will be talking to the doctor about it again soon.

I know at least a couple of people reading this also have chronic pain issues, so my question for you is how do you handle it when you desire to worship but your body has other ideas?

I'm feeling a lot less adrift now that I've had some time to process a lot of the recent changes in my life. I think I'm starting to come back to a place where I am comfortable with myself and my spirituality.

This is starting to hurt again, so stopping here for tonight.

Imbolc with 3CG

2009-02-02T17:30:00.003-05:00

Wellll, first off, West Virginia fails at road maintaince. There was still ice on *primary* roadways when I left Huntington yesterday, but the roads in Ohio were just fine and dandy. 2 important lessons learned from the drive: 1. When driving home alone in the dark with poor night vision, it's generally helpful to have directions to get home, not just directions to the place that you had been. 2. When the radio in the car is broken, it's generally helpful to make sure your MP3 player is fully charged, and the music subscription service you use with it is up to date. I got a bit lost a couple of different times on the way home, but I realized my mistakes pretty quickly and was able to get back on track without much trouble. Having to drive 3 hours one way to get to the *closest* grove kinda sucks, but it was well worth it.

I managed to get to the site ahead of pretty much everyone because I allowed myself extra time that I apparently didn't really need. The social time before the ritual was okay. I am apparently still painfully shy and had a bit of trouble carrying conversations. I'm at this strange point where I recognize a lot of people, but I don't really know anyone, so it's rather confusing for me actually. It was good to see people though, and very nice to actually be able to worship in a group setting.

The rite itself was really really good. It was a bit longer than the rites I've attended with Three Cranes before, but that's okay because I really enjoyed it. One of the grove members had been fortunate enough to have the opportunity to visit Kildare and brought back a candle that had been kindled off of the eternal flame there. A lot of the other candles were lit off of that one, and I have a candle that was lit off of it. People made offerings, of course. I'm not really comfortable with getting up in front of a lot of people I don't know, so all of my offerings were made during my daily devotions. I'm not entirely sure why getting up and making offerings publicly at Three Cranes bothers me as I've had no trouble helping lead ritual for the Avalon community, but I suppose the fact that I actually know all the Avalon folks helps. Someone gave her Dedicant Oath at the end of the rite.

All of the omens were good... and frighteningly relevant to me. The first one was oracular vision, the second was core values, and the third was pruning the old to make room for new growth. The first one wasn't quite a spot on as the other two, but I couldn't help thinking that Someone was speaking directly to me as well as to the rest of the grove.

There was food and social time after the rite. Food was good, social time was slightly better than the earlier social time as I spent a decent portion of it talking to another gamer geek. At some point after the rite several of us wandered out to the lake and all of the non-burnable and non-biodegradeable offerings for the past year were given to the lake. The Senior Druid of the grove offered me crash space if I know enough ahead of time that I'm coming up to be able to warn him and make sure he has room. That may make some future trips up easier.

So, overall, a good day!

Introspection

2009-01-27T02:51:00.001-05:00

It's been nearly 12 years since the day my life changed forever. On the 25th of February, 1997 my little brother took his own life... and I was the one to find him. Part of me died with him, and for the longest time I lost myself, my faith and any sense of self-preservation. The elders of my tradition agreed with my assesment that his death was entirely my fault - I was supposed to have been with him that night and wasn't - and made my life even more of a living hell than it already was. By all rights, I should not have survived the next several years of my life. Whether it was sheer dumb luck, a miracle, or an act of the Gods themselves, somehow I survived - despite my own efforts to end my life. For 8 long years, pain was a constant, both physical and emotional pain. The elders were harder on me than on any other student or initiate.

Finally, in 2006 I won my freedom. I was still oathbound, but I was free to find my own path in life. I had finally begun to build some sense of identity. I had found a spiritual family, the Avalon crowd, where all that was expected of me was that I be true to myself and my own desires in life, and that I follow the generally accepted ethics of the group. I gave of myself entirely willingly for the first time in my life. I was (and still am) head over heels in love with the man who is now my husband. Life was finally starting to feel like it was worth living.

At some point during this time in my life, I couldn't for the life of me tell you precisely when, I was visited while I journeyed by the Morrigan. She made herself known to me, and I built an ever closer relationship with a diety by my own choice for the first time. From Her I have learned more about myself than at any point previous in my life. She revealed Herself little by little to me, and I learned that She is a diety of many aspects, not just warfare. Slowly, ever so slowly I was healing.

I also found ADF during this time period, and was immediately and strongly drawn to it. I can't even begin to describe to you the strong sense of having "come home" I felt when I attended my first ADF ritual with Three Cranes Grove. The more scholastic approach to spirituality offered by the Dedicant's program, and the other study programs of ADF were a welcome discovery. I can't even begin to list all of the reasons that ADF just seems a perfect fit for me.

While I do still suffer from PTSD, at this point it is far more under control than it was a couple of years ago. While the nightmares are frequent, the flashbacks, panic attacks, and such are much better. The only serious phobia that persists is an acute fear of being restrained or pinned. As Asher can tell you, just holding me by the wrists hard enough that I can't immediately pull away will still cause a panic response. This time of year is always hard for me, but with each passing year it hurts a little less and heals a little more.

So, as I read back over what I've written I can clearly see that I've come a long way in the past few years. I lost my way for awhile, but I finally feel like I'm back on the right path. Although the past several weeks have been hard, I think it's been worth it. Hopefully I can actually get some solid rest, hopefully with less nightmares, and make some real progress on the Dedicant's Program.

Wow, that was a lot longer than I'd intended. I'll leave this here for now.

COoR

2009-01-14T18:13:00.002-05:00

ADF's Core Order of Ritual (COoR from here on) is enough different from the ritual format that I grew up with that it's taking some concerted effort on my part to wrap my head around it. For my own personal rites and devotionals, I tend to do whatever works the best for the occasion, and the COoR is too complicated for me to have any desire to use it for daily devotions. However, I do still need to learn the COoR so that I can write, or at least help write, ADF style rituals. A lot of it is very similiar, but a lot of it is also very different from anything that I've done in the past. I think that I actually like the COoR better than the ritual format I grew up with however. The idea of offering and sacrifice is actually a big draw for me, and is something that was entirely lacking from the ritual format that I grew up with. It seems, at best, arrogant to me to approach the Gods with an attitude of "I will it thus, so it will be", rather than making offerings and recieving blessing in return. Within the systems that I am most familiar with, the circle is cast, the quarters are called, and most of the working is nothing more than our directed will and energy towards a common goal. This certainly has power, and I have personally seen it bare fruit a number of times, but I don't think that it carries with it nearly as much power as a system that acknowledges and calls on powers higher than ourselves. That said, I don't think that we necessarily need to approach the powers always as supplicants, but by making offering and recieving blessing in return we acknowledge a sort of mutual need. More on this when I haven't been sick for 3 days and am able to think more clearly.

Oracle Deck

2009-01-08T21:00:00.001-05:00

I've been playing with my oracle deck a bit recently, and trying to get to know it and actually learn the cards well enough to not be pulling out the book every time. The oracle deck that I have is this one. So far, I'm liking it alot. I seem to get along well with the deck, and it's already helped provide some insight and guidance in a couple of situations. This is my first real attempt at using a form of divination that involves cards. I've almost always stuck to a pendulum or runes before this. I'm also pretty good at using a flame for divinatory purposes, but that requires a trance state and it's really really bad for looking for answers. It tends to just tell me whatever Whomever wants to tell me. I'm having a little bit of trouble with memorizing the card meanings, but I think that will improve as I continue to use the deck. My memory is just shot right now in any case. I doubt I could do a rune casting without reference material right now and I know that at one point I was at the very least passingly familiar with all of the futhark runes. I think I may also start studying ogham a little bit more in depth. I started doing so a couple of years ago, but this period of burnout started hitting me even then and I never really followed through on it.

Important lesson learned today, don't try messing with anything divinatory while you are angry about something. I kept getting answers related to why I was angry and how best to deal with that situation rather than what I was actually asking about. At least I assume that is what happened, because the results of the reading would make absolutely no sense in any other context.

A Simple Ritual

2009-01-01T17:25:00.001-05:00

Today I found myself before my personal altar for the first time in a long while. I lit candles and incense, and offered up a prayer, and it was enough. I walked away with the burden of guilt that I've been carrying around for so long somewhat lighter, and felt calm, centered, and refreshed. I didn't realize until that moment precisely how much I have missed this. The desire for worship is returning, and with it some of the sense of identity I had lost somewhere down the road. I may be starting out on a new path, but I don't do it entirely alone, and They are pleased and help to guide my steps. Healing will be a long road, but I think the wounds of the past may finally be closing and I can finally heal.

Right Action: Re-thinking Ethics

2008-12-29T04:16:00.001-05:00

To me, the foundation of any spiritual practice should be the ethics that guide that practice. What is acceptable, and what is not? Why should we do the right thing? The ADF Dedicant's Program workbook suggests that potential motivations for doing the right thing are such things as future reward, and hope for reward in the afterlife. It also suggests, and I agree, that these things are not enough and should not be the reason that we do the right thing. The DP workbook suggests that doing the right thing is it's own reward. I agree with this perspective. Ethics guide us in all realms of life, and by doing the right thing we live our lives to the best, and fullest. Even when things are tough, we are able to find fulfillment.

The foundational values of the system that I am leaving behind are Honour, Duty, and Obligation. These are good things in and of themselves, but I think that they were taken to an unhealthy extreme by my old Way. Honour and Duty I will certainly hold on to. Obligation on the other hand... we rarely do something that we feel obligated to do for the right reasons. I don't want to come to the altar, or make offering because I feel obligated to do so, but rather out of personal desire to do so. I think this emphasis on obligation may have been a very large contributing factor to my current burn out. Duty can also carry this same problem, but it also carries with it the concept of duty-towards-self, whereas obligation is entirely selfless and does not take into account ones own needs. Perhaps it should, but within the framework of the old system, it does not.

So, what values do I hold on to from the past and what new values do I embrace? Well, the 9 Virtues outlined in the Dedicant's Program I think are a good starting point -

-wisdom

-piety

-vision

-courage

-integrity

-perseverance

-hospitality

-moderation

-fertility

However, this is just a starting point, and this is something that I will need to continue thinking about and continue working on in days to come. Perhaps actually writing my essays on the nine virtues for my Dedicant's Program documentation will help guide my thinking here a little. (I know! Me actually making PROGRESS on my DP documentation? Shocking!)

Yule

2008-01-03T01:08:00.001-05:00

I celebrated Yule this year on December 21 - 22 with the Avalon community in Huntington, WV. Avalon is an ecletic open community dedicated to networking and education. Avalon was founded by Gawyn and Morgaine who both practice in the Reclaiming and Avalonian traditions. All of our open rituals have a definite Reclaiming flavor to them.

The first part of the celebration was an open ritual and bondfire at the residence of one of our members. Gawyn and Morgaine led the ritual. The circle was cast, and several members, including myself, helped call the Quarters. Several members put on a short mystery play about the death of the Goddess, and the rebirth of the God. Everyone made offerings and pledges and received back symbolic gifts. We were instructed to open the gifts at a later time and reflect on the contents. The circle was closed. After the ritual, we all enjoyed a bonfire and some light refreshments, and sang.

After the bonfire, most of us went to the house of another member and shared a feast, then held vigil throughout the night. Someone made bread. At sunrise, we all went outside and held a brief ritual and offered the bread.

While this celebration lacked many of the elements of ADF rituals that I feel most drawn too, particularly sacrifice, it was good to spend time with everyone.

ADF Dedicants Program

2007-09-15T03:52:00.001-04:00

So, I am officially a member of ADF and starting out on the Dedicants Program. A new beginnning, a new path... or a revisiting of an old path.

I am somewhat nervous about starting the program, but at the same time really excited. My personal practice has lacked focus really ever since Avalon closed. I hope that this journey will give me new focus, more experience, and some clearer answers as to where my journey is leading me. I am excited about possibly working with a nice woman in the Fort Gay area who is also fairly new to the program. We will see how that works out.

This is where I will be keeping the parts of my journal that I don't mind being public. If you are one of my friends from LJ and would rather read this there, let me know and I will add you to my ADF filter.

Hello there

2007-09-08T08:23:00.001-04:00

Hello there. Anyone reading this probably already knows me from somewhere. I set up this blog first to keep up with some friends who had migrated here from LiveJournal, and also to have a seperate place set aside for writing about my spiritual journey. This journal is where I will be posting as I explore new aspects of my spirituality, and start a more formal study of my religious path.