On the Borderline - Life With BPD

Well dang. Also, pills!

2013-03-06T04:56:00.004-05:00

I write this whole post on how I'm still around and then I disappear for... six months. Cos I'm awesome like that.

Since this blog is mostly about BPD, that's what I'll focus on here.

It's been a fun ride... note the sarcasm. A lot of misunderstandings, a lot of blaming others (by 'others' I mean 'Rae') for things that were, in recent retrospect, all my fault. Some new medication; Clonazepam for anti-anxiety (makes me feel drunk if I talk 1mg at a time instead of half or a quarter), Adderall XR for ADD (made me sick as fuck, body finally adjusting), Geodon for anti-psychoticies (took it once and had to stop due to crippling depression and being unable to stop crying and reminiscing about inconsequential past events that may or may not have happened)...

Someone stole some of my medication and I don't know who, but that's really Not Cool. I know that what I take is more like a recreational drug for college kids, or whatever, but I actually DO need this stuff. At this point I need the Adderall just to get out of bed in the morning; the Clonazepam is optional but the only thing that calms me down in a panic ohgodwhatiftheskyfalls situation... I blamed a friend for taking them and now I can't get over the guilt, having confronted her and becoming convinced that it was not, in fact, her. Again, cos I am awesome and blame friends for shit.

I'm ultra-hypersensitive to medication, it seems. My new doc (super cool older guy that comes to the college once a week) says it makes it much harder to find meds that'll work without making me super sick, and now we're down to two choices: Zyprexa and Lithium. I see him next week to get put on one of them. Zyprexa is in the same category as Geodon, Abilify, and Seroquel (SO not good for me), and can cause a LOT of weight gain (a bit of a phobia for me-- not a few pounds, but he mentioned as much as an uncontrollable 20-50 or more; so, NO THANKS); Lithium gave my friend permanent hand tremors, but is best for people who have trouble with medicine; hypersensitive or weak stomachs (I have both issues). So I guess I'll do my research and see what I should do.

If anyone's still reading this... any suggestions?

+ Eden.

Not Dead Yet

2012-09-29T16:36:00.001-04:00

It's been over a year, hasn't it? I'm still here. Not much to say though, really. Rae and I are stronger than ever as a couple and she moved to be with me; she's my neighbor now and I can hear her roommate play guitar through the floors. It's comforting. I have my (our) dog with me now too. I'm still in school, switched majors to Illustration. Working hard but usually hardly working.

I thought I'd gotten better. What would I need this blog for, if I was better?

But I was wrong. No more suicidal ideations for a while, sure. But somehow I crashed, this past week. I bought blades. I skipped class and was delusional and hallucinated. I got sick and now I'm writing this from my bed with a fever.

Last night though (unfevered, mind you) Rae and I sat for a smoke break by the front gate. Without meaning to, I exploded. I started talking and actually saying things, instead of just talking to fill up the silence. I told her about how tired I am. I told her about how I'm sick of pretending to be okay, how I'm sick of trying to fit in anywhere. How I'm sick of nobody understanding me when I tried to say anything.

We sat and talked for an hour and I realized several things:

1.) I love her more than ever.
2.) I am sicker than I thought I was, and it's time to really think about how to fix it if I ever want to succeed in life.

On another note, Rae's alters are gone. For how long, we don't know. It's been a long time since we got any word from them and she thinks they're gone for good.

tl;dr: I'm back.

+ Eden.

Yargh

2011-06-12T22:26:00.000-04:00

Life is strangely stressful and hectic for a vacation.

Started taking Adderall XR today. Will write about it later.

Don't forget about me til then!

Eden.

Eh?

2011-06-10T01:10:00.001-04:00

Eden has disappeared. She'll be back one day. Probably. : )

++EDIT: I am indeed here! XD; Thanks baby.

Fuu-Chan

2011-05-29T23:40:00.000-04:00

My beloved brand-new Mac hiccuped the other day; the screen brightness is now permanently off and Apple won't help me unless I pay monies... augh! N, a friend of mine and my past roommate E's boyfriend, said I prolly need to get the screen replaced. It's been hard to be internet-addicted and I've gotten a ton of stuff done, but I miss Fuu-chan!

I miss Micchan's bigger screen though. :x I admit it.

E is going to get a storage unit tomorrow, and she and N are going to help me move things in, probably Tuesday after class. They drove me to get storage containers today, they're just so nice ;_;

I had a pretty big panic attack at their dorm room last night and E made me tea and N gave me a massage til I calmed down. They're just amazingly sweet people and I'm bummed beyond anything that E's leaving pretty soon, possibly even after summer but hopefully not til after fall.

See, I have a problem. I need help from people all the time. I'm very co-dependent. I can't go places alone; the day I rode a school bus by myself I was so excited and scared I nearly cried. I've only eaten by myself at the cafeteria once and that was while constantly texting Rae for support. It's bad.I've come to depend on E for a lot of things- walking to get cigarettes, even simple tasks like going to a nearby store. She's actually the one that got me started on counseling with the school; a few days after I met her as my roommate, she took me to the office and got me started on the paperwork and everything. She's really amazing and the best part is that she adored Rae too, so there's no issues with that. <3

Speaking of which, Rae supposedly got home over two hours ago. I was freaking out at first when I didn't hear from her, but she let me know that she's there about an hour ago or so. Now I'm worried she fell asleep without signing onto Skype.

Rae! Please come back!!

-sad-

Eden.

First Day of the Rest of Someone Else's Life

2011-05-25T23:47:00.000-04:00

Today I was someone new. It's sort of like casting off an old skin and seeing the world through brand-new eyes. Talked to Rae last night (well, I sort of had a meltdown. But still.) and we talked about a few things. If she wants to I'll let her go into detail. Anyway, things are going to change. They've already started changing. Stop complaining and start being the you that you want to be! Why wait? Today I drew a picture, did some reading for class, ate a whole lunch, and hung out with N. I got home and didn't have much homework so I got to talk to Rae most of the time, which was awesome and wonderful as always!

Well there is bad news too, of course. Lady Rose came yesterday and I'm cramping, achy, hormonally challenged (it's worse with BPD, I think. You just have even more mood swings, and stronger, and a shorter fuse...), and weak and fatigued due to blood loss. BUT that's okay! Even with all of that I'm okay! I just stocked up on the only chocolate I get get on a meal plan- cookies and Yoo-Hoos- and I'm going to bed early today.

Rae had a super awesomely busy day today, too, but I'll let her talk about it. I'm uber proud and excited and I feel weightless, like a cloud~... aaa~aah, so happy today! <3

Everyone, let's do our best from now on okay? We can beat anything!

Oh man I'm totally obsessed with K-On! you guysss...

+ Eden.

Rae's Comments

2011-05-22T18:57:00.002-04:00

It seems Rae's comment feature isn't working. Does anyone know how to fix it?

*Fixed!*

Eden.

Okay Readers... I Need Your Help!

2011-05-22T17:59:00.000-04:00

I have a HUGE problem with self-discipline. I always have a lot to do, but just one task can take me all day! I have ADD and I don't have access to medication for it right now. I have a big drawing due Tuesday and a lot of reading for tomorrow, as well as catching up on Art History.

I've tried schedules, energy drinks, written notes to myself, cell phone alarms... I'm a little lazy, yes, but I physically cannot get things done without Adderall. It's making me depressed and I feel worthless...

What do I do...?

Eden.

What Do You See?

2011-05-22T01:01:00.003-04:00

When I was fourteen, I was forced to go into therapy. It was my first time. I'd finally told my school counselor that my arms were completely covered in scars and dried blood from new wounds, that I thought I was completely crazy, and that if I didn't get help I might kill myself. Though, at the time, I thought everyone considered suicide at least once a day, but that's another story. In any case, my first therapist, and the only one I ever truly liked or was honest with, gave me a long and (holy shit expensive) psychological exam. During one of the sessions, she showed me the legendary Rorschach's Blots. Apparently there was a big controversy when someone "leaked" them to the public, but that means you, too, can look at them:
http://extraordinaryintelligence.com/1035/health/leaked-rorschach-blots-cause-controversy/
I never figured out what they were really supposed to be for. I think my therapist said they helped figure out what's in your subconscious, i.e. what you see in non-representational (which is not the same as abstract, but again, another post.) figures, but honestly, I thought it was bullshit. Still do.
So what do you see in them? [*note: I've played with the images and text for an hour and they don't line up right on the site... Sorry!!)

1. Two surviving Three Little Pigs ripping apart a person, or I suppose a wolf because that is how the story should have gone anyway. (Pigs are vicious. And cute.)

2. Two surviving Three Little Pigs kissing (touching snouts?) as they share a heart or devour the wolf's heart. Or the heart of their first brother. (Pigs are vicious.) They also have little red hats!

3. Two women over a cooking pot, presumably cooking a butterfly.Two dead bunnies hanging from their ears, which leads me to believe that is meat in the pot. As in, one or both of the little pigs. (Which were vicious.)

4. A frog. Once a prince maybe, but not a disgusting amphibian forced in between a folded piece of paper and squished. Ew.

5. Butterfly with two heads!

6. The two pigs are back. Maybe as demonic shadows of their former selves, angry with the women who killed and cooked them. Vicious!

7. Dancing bunnies! They're anthropomorphic.

8. Two sloth-like creatures climbing up on either side of a Rorschach blot.

9. Dragon heads on top. Magical pink creatures with cream puff heads on the bottom. In the center? Those damn pigs again. I'm totally serious here.

10. The pigs have killed everyone and what we see are the remains of civilization. Vicious.

Of course, I didn't see all that when I saw them the first time. I gave simple answers. People. a frog. Rabbits. Butterfly."

I lied. In every blot, in every test I was given, I saw a rape that I don't even know ever happened.

Eden.

Do You Like Me?

2011-05-20T11:41:00.002-04:00

My wonderful Rae has added a facebook 'Like' button to this and to her blog. If you like us, like us!

Nostalgia...

2011-05-18T12:05:00.000-04:00

...is not the same as looking back.

(I started writing this at around 1-2am.)

Lately I keep daydreaming about time travel. Earlier tonight I wondered, what would happen if I got stuck back in time and I couldn't get Rae to love me? Then I panicked, woke her up. She got mad and very irritated (well it IS late at night) and I was left alone to be upset. Not fun times.

My best friend, B, texted me about 20 minutes ago.
"I can't remember is X (on dA) is L or C, but she definitely wrote something about you as a deviation in her gallery."

I knew exactly who it was, and I told her.

"Ahhh... Have you see it then?"

Spooked, I went ahead and logged on and looked up the profile on deviantArt. The submission was hard to miss- it was the newest deviation in months.

Now, this girl and I have a bit of an odd history, as far as friendships go. I met her during summer classes in high school. We hung out; I was happy to meet someone about my age that I could talk to for longer than 5 minutes without wanting to strangle myself. We were friends the next year- my junior year, her a sophomore. Again, lunch buddies, fun times. I started dating a sociopath. Got engaged. We broke up. She started dating my ex pretty much around the first... 10 minutes after we broke up, if my ex is to be believed, an hour if this girl was telling the truth. According to people around her, she started getting a little obsessive. It got a bit scary for me. I was diagnosed with paranoia issues early on my freshman year. I got spooked.

I left, moved to Japan for a little over a year. She planned to go with me, and I welcomed the company. I hadn't talked to her in a while and things were fine. She started flaking on me and I was hit with bad depression. I went home. She got mad. We stopped talking for a while. All throughout high school and up until about last summer, I never kept most plans I made. Either I made plans during a manic episode and I dropped right before it was time to go, or I was low and hoped it would cheer me up but I stayed low. My family also tended to make plans last-minute and I was expected to keep them, so I would have to cancel plans with friends. In time I would try to accept invitations with a 'sure, if I'm able to go, I'll let you know ahead of time.' In the end, I never went out if I could help it. The girl and I stopped talking.

So here I am, feeling guilty and lying awake at 1:30am, wondering what I should do. What CAN I do? Is it wrong to just ignore her words, poured out in what could be a last plea for friendship?

What is there to say?

This is what she wrote:

++Author's Name Deleted For Privacy++

I love her. I realize that now. I always have, from the first day I met her. She was different back then, shyer and more confident at the same time. I stared at her as I hid behind my black clothes and silent demeanor. She defied everything I had come to know about the world. She wore gray, which is unremarkable in itself, but she surrounded herself with people, that I would hesitate to define as "goth" but outsiders would not hesitate to use such a stereotype; and she too would have fit into that category. I found it strange then, that she could wear gray, when I, and all others that I knew like us, were confined to black.

I payed her little attention after the first day, she was a leader in the club that I was in, but there were other, more obviously interesting people in the club that stole my interest from her. It is probably for the best, as I am easily obsessed, and I have no doubt that at that time she was not ready for my friendship, and I was not ready for her strange, and undeniably twisted personality.

We did not speak until much later, my first summer in high school. An entire year had passed, and we had not said a single word to each other, but during that summer we became friends. I don't remember her first words to me and I doubt very much that they were earth-shattering. That summer consisted of us sitting on the bench outside of our summer classes, during the lunch break, talking and sharing food. There was a big group, there was always a big group back then, so the two of us didn't become particularly close, or even exchange phone numbers, but the next year we ate lunch together, and I became a leader of our club as well.

My attention was again stolen from her by others. I met a boy that year that she never approved of. He was mostly harmless and I brought him into the group, but she had a very distinct distaste for him from the very beginning, and later, when he started developing feelings for me, she seemed to dislike him even more. In the end she was right, but I don't know if she knows that. I didn't speak to her about him much after she graduated, and she has never asked.

In my junior year we had a class together, and because of that my attention was almost solely on her. We became great friends, and spent much time together, in and out of school. She had a girlfriend that year; a beautiful, funny, happy snake, whom we both loved very much. When the snake cheated on her, and they broke up, I took her place by the snake's side. My sensitivity was my savior and my downfall. The snake didn't like how close we were, but when I was crying in the back of class, she still comforted me, and stood up for me when the snake tried to eat lunch with us. I don't know, can't say, what exactly happened then, but it brought us even closer than we were before.

I spent many nights at her house that year and the next, and she always chose me to sleep with at slumber parties. It was comforting, I was starved for attention and human contact, and she was the first one to give it to me freely, and frequently. It never felt sexual, but it still felt good, and at times I liked to pretend that the others thought we might have something going on, but I don't know if they ever really thought that, and it wasn't the case.

She taught me a love of tea, and cocktail onions, and raw pasta, as we sat on the roof of her house and talked about nothing. She embodies what I think of as an artist, so passionate and lost in her own little world. I love that world she showed me. It makes my own seem dull and pale in comparison, and just as I will never draw as well as her; I will never have a world quite as bright as hers.

My life has meaning for having known her, and while I am not defined by her, my life was irreversibly changed by her. I never would have thought it possible, let alone feasible, to go to Japan to live, even if it is just for a year or so, but she did, and she always talked about how she would in school. It is truly because of her that I will be able to go. I felt betrayed when she came back before I could join her, and then when she could never see me for this or that reason. I wish that we could be close again, like we were before, but I doubt very much that that will happen. I miss her, but I still wish her all the happiness in the world.

Conflicted,

Eden.

Again, Again

2011-05-13T22:54:00.000-04:00

Took my last Adderall. I really wanted to save it for another few weeks but it is what it is, I suppose. 20-page paper and a 3-page paper, due Monday. Right now those are my top two priorities. Well, no, that's a lie, I ran out of cigarettes a few hours ago and Adderall makes me a chain-smoker, but that comes later.

I guess my ADD is worse than I thought. I sat in front of my laptop all day long, waking to sleeping, for the past few days and not even one sentence. It doesn't help that lately I've been hungry all the time- stress?- and I'm always tired. Always distracted.

Rae and I are really feeling the distance lately. I just don't understand why things can't work out... she had a place to live, a job. She was accepted into a college near mine. And then it's all different and she's moved back to her home state and if I'm not busy then she often is. Maybe other people get tired of Skype but we leave it running as long as we can, even if the other steps out for a while. It doesn't help that Rae's phone broke (and her laptop is deteriorating fast...). As soon as she starts at her new job (hooray!!) she can finally feel less trapped, I think- a working phone, a fixed (or new) laptop, her own place. School. I want her to meet people to hang out with. I want her to be happy.

Why can't I focus on this paper this is terrible.

Eden.

Could It Be?

2011-05-10T22:07:00.000-04:00

Humor??

I've been way too depressing on this thing, so here is a video I found extraordinarily hilarious:

I've been thinking about starting a comic, all for fun, about a sort of mental hospital run by a mental patient. I think the shenanigans and goings-on would be rather a lot like this.

Hope you all enjoy!

Eden.

Makes Sense In My Head

2011-05-08T13:22:00.001-04:00

I initially wrote a long, rather detailed post, and published it and everything. But it's not fair to Rae so I've rewritten it:

I cut myself last night. First time in nine months.

The title comes from the fact that nine months later it's Mother's Day. Don't ask.

Eden.

99 Bottles of Beer On the Wall...

2011-05-07T19:59:00.000-04:00

...Wait what comes after that I don't even know

Well yes I do. But less than ten seconds into saying it I'll lose all motivation, concentration, and/or attention and flop over like a whale or something. Then I'll stare at the ceiling and wonder how to get my life back.

I'm using today's post as a list of things I have to do. Everyone ready?

Gaia commission (about a month late now)
15-20 page paper for Satire (due in 9 days)
2-3 page paper for Art History (forgot to turn in subject til today; due in 9 days)
Read Gargantua and Pantagruel (due by finals)
Work for my job (about a month late, this is ridiculous)
Get to Spencer's and get a retainer so I can make my parents slightly less angry about my lip piercing
Go out with E for a chocolate martini (this will make me SO HAPPY)
Work on drawing homework sketches (due Tuesday)
Art History Exam (Monday- totally forgot about it til JUST NOW, shit shit FUCK.)
Eventually work on my own art and make steampunk jewelry and hair accessories and start that webcomic I've been meaning to do since 2002.

So far what I have done today:

Started the first sentence for both papers, bought a copy of G&P that may arrive after finals, accidentally slept in, and.... I read some webcomics?

Shit what is wrong with me.

Eden.

It's Been A While

2011-05-07T01:46:00.000-04:00

Only not really.

I don't know what I've been up to lately. I feel like since I stopped taking the Lamictal (and especially the Adderall...) I've been floating around from day to day, vaguely getting things done last-minute by sheer miracle and a stubborn desire for good grades. I don't know.

I got a lip ring. (Go me!) I've wanted one for damn well near 10 years now and I don't know HOW I'll tell my parents (or rather, what I'll say when they see it) but damnit, I am 22 years old and I wanted it. So I got it and I love it.

Rae and I are doing well, despite a few bumps caused by stress and mood swings. My BPD likes to rear its ugly head sometimes but we've learned a pretty effective tactic- starting over. "I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to start bitching at you about this-and-that-unrelated-thing, can we start the night over?" It doesn't work if you start yelling at your partner and refusing to admit you were wrong, and it doesn't fix everything, but it's been working for us because we seem to know when it's okay to just hit ctrl+z and rewrite the past hour or two.

Some interesting stuff happened today. I won't get into it but it's going to be an interesting few days.

I don't know what else to say. I miss Adderall. I miss getting shit done. I miss feeling on top of the world.

I miss Rae most of all. When she's around, everything -works-. But oh yes so she got a job today! I really do think things will be better now.

She's going for a makeover of sorts. She wants to cut her hair (I admit I will cry- she has the most beautiful hair... but she's saving me some.) and I know she will look amazingly sexy. <3 I feel like I've been pushing her to wear certain clothes and I didn't mean to. She just happens to look sexy and gorgeous in a dress. But she also looks like a vision from heaven in jeans and a tank top. I can't wait to go see her and make her model for me. I will draw so much. <3 Aaah I am hopelessly in love and happy about it! *lucky* Meanwhile, our forum (RUNIC) has come back from the dead! We need new members so please someone join in and contribute! We're aiming for "intelligent paranormal and supernatural discussion," including energy/psionics, ghosts, angels, and demons, religion, spellcraft, science, disbelief in all of the above... come see! Come see!

Eden.

Sicky Sicky.

2011-04-29T01:27:00.000-04:00

I'm sick of living in this world where nobody cares about anyone else. It's all about them, always, at all times. I feel like I'm stuck in a sea of other people's shit. Nobody takes responsibility for their actions. Nobody cares if you're okay, and if they bother to ask, why do something so stupid like comforting them or offering advice? It's best to change the subject, even cut them off mid-word because hey, it probably wasn't important anyway. While we're at it, if you owe money to somebody that bothered to actually care (a deadly sin!) why pay them back for it, even though you already offered to pay them back, why go through with it? Sure, you owe them money that they NEED because they spent their own on YOU, but it's best to sneak out when they're feeling sick and aren't paying attention so you can get the money you owe them and give it to someone else. It's not like they'd mind right? That would be silly.

It's little things piling on that hurt worst. And if it's happening to Rae then it's agonizing. I just want to fix everything. I want her happiness and serenity. I want to give her the world so she can be comfortable in it.

Sometimes I just want to end it all. I haven't wanted to cut this bad in a long time. Nine months since the last time and I don't know how I did it but slowly at first, and now faster, I just want to slice my skin open and let the blood drain out along with my fury; I want it to take away my frustration and sadness and disappointment and my glass-shard red and black RAGE that lately wants to take over.

I feel like I'm shouldering a greater burden than Atlas ever did.

I'm so close to the edge... try not to breathe on me.

Eden.

Yes Indeedy!

2011-04-23T14:04:00.000-04:00

Thanks to Rae (hearts!) for the post and reminder. :3

So yes. No more meds for me. I have no idea how it's going, to be honest. I'll need to ask Rae to let you guys know for me. I think it's going okay. I don't know. I haven't the slightest clue.

I've been in a somewhat longish struggle to get out of the dorms and into either my own place or an apartment-style dorm suite, but it seems I've failed this year again- I managed to snag a dorm room on the second floor of one of the other buildings (I'd hate to have to go up the stairs to the 6th floor!) but it's about the same as thing one. Smaller though. But the other cafeteria is there and it's actually pretty decent. The one by my current building is often unsuitable for human consumption. It'll reeeeally suck this summer, of course, when it's the only place open- last year they reused the same food so many times that the rice was literally too hard to chew. I'm not exaggerating. :/ My roommate and I ate a lot of ramen!

They have tasty cookies though.

Anyway. Hopefully I can deal with my future roommate just fine. I hope she's nice and not too loud and not anything like all the other girls on our hall. x_x

More update later.

Eden.

Ayep

2011-04-23T11:26:00.000-04:00

What up readers? I'm posting for Eden since she apparently disappeared. ...She's actually asleep right now, but she needs it. Okay, so... It's been..a week?..maybe not that long, I'm not sure anymore, since Eden had her meds. Even I've been calling the doctor trying to get it for her, but no one ever answers the fucking phone there and they don't return calls, apparently, cos she's left God knows how many voice mails. I'm tired of it. She has shit luck with therapists. I have pretty good luck with them, but I move around so much, I can't get attached to one. Things are going pretty crazy, but she's alive, so she can give you details later. I'll try to remember to remind her.

Multiply

2011-04-05T15:45:00.000-04:00

It's sad to admit, but I'm not sure how Rae is doing lately. She has her bad days (usually coinciding with mine) and her okay days, but it seems that the others are coming back... maybe? I'm not sure. I'll have to ask her when she gets home.

I have mixed feelings about this. I miss them terribly, but if they're coming back, then it could mean Rae's doing worse. Alternately, it could mean that she's going to get more help, since, after all, that is generally why alters exist.

We'll see.

Eden.

Prognosis

2011-04-04T16:54:00.000-04:00

I don't have any proof for anything I'm about to write, so there.

Most articles and things I've read on BPD show the future is pretty bleak. Although there are new treatments- such as new medications and DBT, or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (such as this workbook I've linked before), which many, many people swear by. But I'm scared shitless. So's Rae, I think.

Basically, it MIGHT go away by the time I hit 50. It likely won't. It tends to get worse with age. It sucks now, but it's not as serious as most cases- but I'm only 22 and assuming it DOES go away by 50, I still have 28 years to go.

No wonder the (successful) BPD suicide rate is 1 in 10.

Rae doesn't quite come out and say it, but there's a big probability that we won't have children because I'm crazy. Seriously, I'd probably get post-partum depression (my crazy psychiatrist told me "never have kids", my Lamictal can cause infertility anyway. Not that he mentioned that last part until much later.), attempt to murder my children, and be locked away in a criminal asylum. Or I'd just be a moody bitch to them until they grow up, move as far away as they can, and show up to my funeral... hopefully.

As for the cause of BPD, oh guess what nobody knows. There are theories, of course. But that's it. One doc blamed my parents (she had me talking back to them for weeks.), and everyone I've seen is at a loss as to what might have happened (nobody's willing to try hypnosis just in case it's too awful, or something) or even how to deal with me- it generally ends in "well, what do you want to do? how do you want to treat this?" ....um. You're the licensed mind doc, remember?

So there you have it. Nobody knows anything and I gave up trying long ago.

Eden.

Symptomatic

2011-04-04T16:43:00.000-04:00

So I don't think I've actually written down a list of BPD Syymptoms. These are pretty important.

First of all, though, you have to know that a lot of these are part of most people's daily lives. Some people just get depressed for awhile. Some people have random bursts of happiness or are easily irritated or angered. This doesn't mean you have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Second of all, you should get diagnosed by a trained professional; otherwise, if you don't have it, you'll convince yourself that you do, and it is Not Fun. If you DO have it, you'll make it worse.

And so.

Official DSM-IV Criteria for Borderline Personality Disorder
The DSM is the Diagnostic and Statistical Manuual, used by pretty much all psychiatrists and therapists. It is constantly being updated and changed.

These are the current symptoms used for diagnosing a patient:

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1) frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment

This can lead to one or more of the following: Stalking, threatening, manipulating, staying in an abusive relationship, suffocation, dumping or leaving someone 'before they do it,' etcetera.

2) a pattern of unstable & intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation

This is commonly known as black and white thinking or "splitting." Basically, I love you and you're perfect and can do no wrong- did you forget to call me back? I hate you! Never speak to me again! ...Get the idea? Obviously, this makes it very difficult to have a stable relationship with a lover, friends, even family.

3) identity disturbance: markedly and persistent unstable self-image or sense of self

Who am I? Or constantly changing the way you dress, act, or speak depending on who you are with or even where you are. I don't mean, say, acting professionally in the workplace (assuming your symptoms are not so severe that you can't hold down a job, which is common). I'm talking about wearing a mask for every situation- and not knowing what's beneath it. Personally, sometimes I look in the mirror and don't recognize my reflection. Sometimes I forget my own name.

4) impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g. spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating)

This refers to more than acting out or being a wild party person or what-have-you. This means you sleep around all the time, you eat all the time, you are a shopaholic, alcoholic, crack addict, etc. Sometimes it's mild- I have a lot of impulses, but they aren't usually too bad. It comes and goes.

5) recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

I hate to talk about it, but my arms were pretty much hamburger meat when I was thirteen. I have a lot of scarring on my breasts (where I could hide it from my parents... at first anyway), and most of the other ones are gone but there are still a lot of old scars that stand out, especially my inside upper arms. I attempted suicide once, at fifteen or sixteen. However, I've never -threatened- to hurt myself or kill myself. I also don't like people seeing my scars, so I never did it for attention.

Another note on that subject- some younger kids or teens will do it for attention or to be cool. But that doesn't mean every kid or teen is just out for attention- sometimes it's a cry for help.

Last note: I hate hate HATE how it's portrayed in movies, shows, most books, photography and other art, songs, and music videos. (Did I leave anything out? Oh yes- poetry and any other form of writing as well.) It's rarely realistic, always shows the person as pathetic or "emo," and overall stupid.

...Right, sore subject. Sorry.

6) affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days)

This is the worst for me. I complain about it a lot on here because it's always happening. Ranging from 15 minutes to several hours, and about twice a year a couple of days or so with minor differences every few minutes. I'm awesome and my art is wonderful! Ugh no, it sucks. Damnit, I just want to draw well! I hate it, I'm a hack, I'll never be able to do this... Man, my roommates are so annoying, sitting there minding their own business. Oooh, I drew a flower! It's so pretty!

You get the idea. That, but worse.

Very occasionally, during those twice-a-year episodes, I'm suicidal for days. It's scary as fuck. This year's first one was the worst I've had in YEARS.

7) chronic feelings of emptiness

This used to be a huge problem for me, now it's not quite as bad. It can last a while- for me, the longest was about a week back in high school- and can easily go either way when it's over: drop into despairing depression, or lift me up into a rainbow fairy magical land where unicorns poop sprinkles.

Makes for some surreal poetry though.

8) inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

I didn't know I did this until, oh, last Christmas. Therapists wouldn't believe I was diagnosed with BPD before I saw them, because I "don't look violent." Well, it turns out that I DO have this issue and then my brain will block it from my mind. I don't remember whole days. I've done things such as yell at my parents for daring to tell me they like *those* shoes better on me, call my sister up and scream at her before hanging up on her out of the blue, etcetera. It explains why my sister still hates me- and I didn't know why until a few months ago!

9) transient, stress related paranoia or severe dissociative symptoms

Yeah. I was on meds for paranoia in 8th grade or so, maybe a bit later. As for the dissociation, it's similar to the empty feeling, but more interesting. I'm floating in a different time and space, watching everything happen. Time slows down for everyone else and my movements are sluggish. I can barely speak. I can't focus my eyes on anything. I'm flying and on the ground at the same time. It's disorienting and very obvious to everyone else so I try to stay secluded.

Now, the general consensus is that nobody can be officially diagnosed until they're at least 18. Anyone want to guess why?

That's right, sir in the front row. It's because our brain chemicals and things aren't very developed and stable until we're about... 24, I think? But eh, they picked 18 for whatever reason.

BPD symptoms become evident in late adolescence and early adulthood. Me, I knew what it was when I was 12, and I just fought it as much as I could. Didn't work, did it.

But as you can probably guess, a lot of teens will be convinced they have it. Lashing out at their parents, sneaking out late to party, being depressed or angry for no discernible reason, writing angsty poetry (guilty.), threatening suicide if they don't get what they want, desperate attempts to keep their boyfriend/girlfriend, not knowing who they are... it sucks, but it's usually a normal part of growing up.

Or as is the case with a forum I occasionally object myself to, many, MANY people in volatile relationships- usually dumped- will insist their SO had BPD and that's why they were nuts.

Chances are, your ex-wife was just a bitch.

IM 2: Rub A Dub Dub.

2011-04-03T03:20:00.000-04:00

Inner Monologue # 2.

Condensed for attention span and length. And sadly almost verbatim.

[Setting: Cleaning the bathtub.]
[Me (E) and my inner!Laia (I), who Sucks At the Therapees]

E: La dee dah, cleaning the tub~

I: …Why?

E: What?

I: Why are you cleaning the tub? Make roommates do it.

E: Why am I talking to myself inside my own head?

I: Make the roommates do it.

E: Well, no. V's usually pretty clean and N claims she does it but it's still gross.

I: There's dead skin in there. And dirt.

E: I'm wearing gloves and this Windex kills germs. It smells like oranges!

I: …You inhaled too much of it and now you're going to get cancer.

E: I smoke. Windex won't kill me. Can't breathe though.

I: Told you.

E: Shut up. I'm opening the door.

I: You forgot to call the bank about the missing money.

E: I can see it now. "Why are you calling us at 2am?" Well sir, I'm a college student and I'm awake at two in the morning, scrubbing the bathtub, so why not? ...Ugh, this stuff is stronger than I thought. Bathroom fan isn't very good is it.

I: Cancer.

E: At least it'll be citrus scented cancer.

I: Reeeally.

E: Yes, really. I don't remember my inner!Laia being such a condescending bitch.

I: I'm not her. And you should stop having your little OCD moment, you have homework to do.

E: Shut up. You're a horrible inner voice.

I: FIne.

[Silence]

I: You missed a spot. And you picked up the gross old sponge by accident.

E: Shit! Okay, that's fine. I have Windex.

I: Cancer.

[Sulking silence]

I: Don't think about the number four.

E: Fuck you! You suck at this!

I: I thought you liked me.

E: I like Laia. At least she's real. And she's good at this.

[Silence]

E: …hello? Helloooo? Voice in my head?

[Silence]

E: Oh. Guess you're gone then.

IM 1: A Half Hour In the Life

2011-04-02T23:08:00.004-04:00

I am starting a new series of posts. I call them inner monologues. And they will also be inner dialogues. And inner ramblings. So there.

Inner Monologue # 1.

[Setting: Bridge, stairs, dorm.]
[Me.]

The number 4 is conspiring against me.

So I'm sitting on the bridge that goes from my dorm to two others, and there's a sign across from me. I can't recount my steps completely, but it amounts to 54 pen-strokes if I count the name of the dorm plus the writing under it, including spaces. Then you count the board itself, the steel frame, and the two posts holding it up, and after a long and complex 20 minutes or so, you end up with the number four.

Is Adderall a good idea tonight? I need to concentrate, I haven't gotten any homework done tonight, but there's only two of them left, and is it really the number four? (Coincidentally, there are four letters in the number four.) and I kind of want to try the pasta at the dorm pizza place but O said it wasn't very good, not surprising since it's dorm food, and anyway the last time I had dorm food I had to tell them to use all meal plans cos they ended using my laundry money and is it really four or is it 54, which adds up to 9, and I guess it is the number four, and I still can't find E, I think she's hiding from me.

Oh God why am I in art school I don't fit in here either and do I want to, does it really bother me?

Okay, so I can accept that it's the number four, and suddenly everything equals four- don't count the steps going upstairs, they aren't the same on every floor and I can't remember if the number ends up being 9 condensed (different from uncondensed but still the same) and okay, it's four, and now I'm at my floor. I live on the fourth floor.

Fuck.

+Edit: Four blog views today. See? Proof.

Mechanics

2011-04-01T17:20:00.000-04:00

So this is how some of us live.

You have to be careful what you read, hear, see, do, or who you talk to. Even what you taste is dangerous. You have to stay in a stable mood, a safe state of mind. A single bad song can tip the scales and topple you into mania or depression. It's like walking on a tightrope- a gust of wind can kill you.

So there are songs I spent a lot of time avoiding. Rae taught me something important- that you can't give things power. And she was right. Now I can listen to a lot of old songs.

But there are still things that give me trouble. Some movies, or even movie genres, will set me off. And I'm about to conduct an experiment, of sorts- there is a webcomic that seriously can switch me into dark and jagged and broken glass. And naturally I'm about to re-read it.

This time, I'm not in the closet, the smell of vinegar and old food suffocating, the lights dark and the doors locked, loud music cutting off all contact with the outside world. I'm in an open room, the window letting sunlight in, a breeze floating in. I have people around me.

I'll let you know how it goes. If everything goes well, then I'll finish reading it up to today's comic and I'll be fine.

On another note, I've been trying to do some practice art. Anyone want a sketch? Free commissions!

Eden.