On The Road to My New Life

Post to the new site

2011-06-13T09:38:00.002-04:00

Hey... I've gotten a few comments on the new blog, but I really need to hear from those of you who've been unable to post on this one. Even if you just write "hi"... let me know if it works for you.

I posted there today... go read it at:

www.shannonwrites.weebly.com

xoxo
S

TRY THIS PLEASE

2011-06-12T19:56:00.001-04:00

I'm working on switching to a new blog host. I have created a starter page. There's not much on it, but I want to see if it's easy for you to post comments. Please check it out and give it a try.

www.shannonwrites.weebly.com

Thanks
S

WARNING: objects in mirror are even sadder than they appear

2011-06-12T19:42:00.000-04:00

I am honestly starting to believe that I don't deserve love or happiness. Fleeting moments of it... maybe... but on a regular basis... day to day... something that I can count on and look forward to? No.

Bonus: my pool is now far worse than it's been so far this year. I now have frogs & it is completely green. Swamp green. Perfect.

I had a good 2 1/2 hour depression nap today. That ought to tell you where my head is.

What a difference a week makes... at this moment, one week ago today, I was having a spectacular time at mom's retirement party, with nary a care in the world.

Gotta go focus now... really trying not to eat a bullet.

S

Anyone????

2011-06-10T09:43:00.001-04:00

Hey shmoos.... I know you peeps are reading, but I really need someone to figure out how to post on this damn site!!! I miss the back and forth with you & I'm dying to hear what you think about my post from yesterday, re: the story that Linda relayed to me.

My mom's website is really shaping up... some pictures have come in from party guests and I posted a bunch of comments that people sent to me. Go check it out & please leave her a message.

www.welovemrsb.shutterfly.com
password: altavista

Seriously feeling the weight of all of this shit again. I don't know why, but the creditors seem to have really ramped up their pursuit of me in the past few days. I got a little reprieve for a while, but I've gotten no less than 17 calls each of the last 3 days. Really bungwads???? Call all you want... I won't be answering. And by the way... you can't get blood from a rock!!!

Today is field day at Waterford. They're doing a whole lotta nothin' at Woodgrove these days... pretty much movies in every class... so Reilly asked if he could stay and help with Rory's class today. To say that Rory was thrilled would be just a tad of an understatement. :0)

Da Bruddas

My shmoopie

Just Us 3

I am continuing my quest to be a lazy pig today... heading to the club pool again. My own pool is back to being a fucking swamp, so the club it is.

Later taters...
S

Wow....

2011-06-09T17:32:00.000-04:00

Hi again. Something amazing happened at the pool today... had to tell you about it. I ran into a woman named Linda. She the wife of one of the guys that worked for David at SDSI. I don't know her well... we'd met on a handful of occasions, attended black tie dinners together, etc. She started out by asking about the boys, etc., and then asked me if I was able to see David before he died. Uh, yeah... I was there multiple times every fuckin' day. Oddly, I'd never run into her... she visited him several times in his final few days. I had no idea. Big shocker that no one from that family told me she'd been there. On one of her visits... when David was near the very end & had already lapsed into unconsciousness... she went in to sit with him and read bible verses about how he was going to be free of pain, free of his body that had given up on him, etc. Just hearing that moved me to tears. Those asholes have never believed in anything and always smirked at me or made rude comments when I'd pray over David. I was so happy to know that I wasn't the only one doing it.

That would have been more than enough... but it gets better.

Linda actually had a few words with the Troll during a visit. Hearing that, I was positively thrilled. Linda is a very strong Scottish girl who doesn't take any shit, and I had a feeling I'd have LOVED to have been there. This is the conversation that Linda relayed to me:

Linda: Has Shannon been to see David today?

Troll: No. I don't know when or if she'll even show up.

Linda: I think we need to make sure she has some time alone with her husband.

Troll: Well, I don't know if you've heard...

Linda: Oh I've heard. I know it all. But the fact is that they are still married. She is his wife. He made vows to her and she deserves to be with him at the end.

Troll: Well, David would have to be the one to okay that.

Linda: He's not able to do that now, is he? It's the right thing to do & you need to make it happen.

Oh. My. God. I LOVE HER!!!!! I don't know why simply knowing about that wee conversation, I'm filled with a sense of satisfaction. Maybe because Linda was basically neutral in the whole situation, and still called the Troll on her bullshit. Fantastic. There were many tears and many hugs. I feel like we were meant to see each other today. :0)

xoxo
S

And she's back!

2011-06-09T09:53:00.001-04:00

Hey my little reader monkeys. Sorry it's been a few days. I have to tell you, I was so excited to learn at the party that there are so many people reading... they just don't post. I'm thrilled to know that you're out there!!! So let me paint the picture for you... Sunday morning I was at my hotel. I called my mudda to wish her a happy party day and we ended up being on the phone for an hour! Holy shit... that was ROUGH!!! As you might have surmised, I pretty much tell it like it is. Add to that, I've never really had occasion to need to lie to my mother. It was HORRIBLE!!!! She cried and told me how much she wished I could be there, & I told her that if there had been any way to work it out, I'd have been there in a minute, etc. I was lying my ASS OFF!!!!! The party started at 2 and she told me she would be there about 1:45. It worked out perfectly, as I had to check out of my hotel at 1. So I went to mom's house to get dressed. Even that felt so wrong!!! Just being in her house when she didn't know I was in town... eew! It was oogie. I had made a plan with Elaine (the room mother) that I'd arrive at about 2:45. I called her when I got to school & she ran out to meet me. We'd been talking and e-mailing constantly for weeks, so it was fun to finally meet her. She went back in, brought mom up to the front, and got up to the mic & said, "Mrs. B., we have one more little surprise for you..." and I ran in. She was looking all around... in every direction but the one from which I was coming... so I basically came up behind her. In an instant, she was sobbing. It was awesome. :0) She even told me that she'd been holding out a tiny shred of hope that I might surprise her, until we talked that morning... then she knew for sure I wouldn't be there. Hee hee!

Happy party girlz.

I can't even tell you what an incredible celebration it was. There were SO MANY people... about 300... they just kept coming and coming. My mama was a rockstar and it was so cool to watch. There were colleagues she hadn't seen in many years, former students who are now adults, friends new and old, family, etc. Spectacular. Funny though, it almost felt like a party for me too... there were so many people that I was thrilled to see as well. The part that caught me by surprise, was how emotional it became for me. Except for a couple of family members, I hadn't seen any of these people since David died, and most of them I hadn't seen since before he was diagnosed. It was such a healing experience for me. Why, you might ask? Because no one acted like they didn't know me... no one just breezed by the fact that my husband died and that my boys lost their daddy. It was an incredible outpouring of love, compassion and support... what I've needed for the past year.

Some of the moments were positively heartbreaking. I saw Jason White across the room... hadn't seen him in years. But he lost his dad to cancer... his wife to cancer... and then his mother committed suicide. And he's younger than me. We hugged and sobbed for a very long time... it was that instant understanding... no words required. Then I saw a high school friend, Mary. She lost her mom to cancer. Same thing. It's a club to which I never wanted to belong, but the only people who really get it, are the other members.

I finally got to meet so many people who have offered their prayers and wrote on my CaringBridge page for years. Everyone looked me in the eye & acknowledged my loss.... for once, I was NOT invisible. It was incredibly powerful, and a beautiful side-effect of the gathering that I hadn't anticipated.

I got to meet Ethan... Rory's pen pal!!!

After the party, our family & a few friends went back to mom's for dinner. My aunt Elaine had prepared a fabulous Mexican fiesta, and we all ate and talked for hours. I had a chance to just talk & talk & talk... mostly to my Uncle Mel & my cousin Tommy. I unleashed with some serious verbal diahrrea, as I recounted the events of David's last days... and they listened. I didn't realize how long it had been since I'd actually talked to people about it.... I don't see my therapist anymore & I no longer have a support group. Clearly, I needed to talk.

It was a brilliant, amazing and fabulous event. My mom is still overwhelmed! I don't think she'll fully absorb it all until we have a chance to go through all of the pictures. I've been working furiously on mine and hope to have them up today or tomorrow. I started on them yesterday morning, and actually fell asleep... sitting up in my car... with my computer open on my lap. Yep.... tiiiiired.

My Finn is truly an angel.... he is the reason that I was able to be there. When I told him how much I wished I could go, his response was, "so go... if you don't, you'll always regret it." When I brought up the logistical nightmare regarding the kids, the dogs, work, etc., he simply said, "I'll do whatever needs to be done. I'll make it happen. Go." See? Me luvvvves him. It took quite a bit of planning and a team of people to make the trip doable. I had Chris come to the second soccer game on Saturday & take the boys with him. We planned for him to spend the night & then take the boys fishing in the morning. Roy had to take his kids to spend the night at his parents, as he had to work at 4:30 Sunday morning. And by the way.... these extra weekend shifts he's been taking were specifically so he could build up some time off while I was gone. Since he leaves so early, I'm the one who always gets the kids to school. But Monday and Tuesday he had to take off 4 hours in the morning each day, so that he could do it. Then Rory & Leilei rode the bus home to one friend's house on Monday, and another's on Tuesday. Those play dates gave Roy the opportunity to work, get Jayden & then pick up the kids by 5. Just planning all of that was ridonculous!!!!

I got off the plane Tuesday night to discover the hideous humidity had returned. Fuckin gross. I made sure to call & have Finn close everything up and turn on the air. He laughed. He thinks I'm such a princess. Uh, no. It's just that I didn't grow up with this fuckin' jungle-like weather!!! He grew up in a house with no air... his parents still don't have it... so it doesn't bug him. David was the same way... they didn't have air in his house growing up, nor did they have it at The Naval Academy... and he lived on the 4th floor!!!! Uck!!!

More trip stuff to share, but I'll get to that later. I've decided to be a disgustingly lazy slug for a few days. Once the kids get out of school next week, I'm done. It's over. Freedom gone. And I'll never get to be a full-time mom again. Once school starts for me in a couple weeks, it's gonna be balls to the wall for the foreseeable future. I cleaned a lot yesterday, did a bunch of laundry and got to the grocery store, so I'm taking myself to the club to enjoy the pool and catch some rays. Yes, my pool is stiil green. FUCK! The only way to actually be outside right now is to be in the pool... so that's my plan. Judge me if you want to... I don't give a fat fuck. Pool opens in 10 minutes... gotta scramble.

Happy Thursday...
xoxo
S

Heading home today... :(

2011-06-07T13:06:00.000-04:00

Yo mo fos.... wazzzzzup??? Had the most spectacular time with my KD girls last night. So many laughs... an absolute blast. I'm so thankful to them for dropping everything on such short notice so we could get together while I'm in town. I told 'em yesterday that they were the cherry on top of my Cali trip sundae. :0) We sure missed our Bon Bon... but really, she showed us her true colors by not being there. Much like Sister Sue... who was absent again... these two bitches put their families first. Are you kidding me???? So basically, what you're saying is that a long-planned family trip & your kid's graduation are more important than ME??? How DARE you!!!! And you call yourselves my Sisters.... whatEVER! Heee hee!

With Beth, Teri & Heidi. Yes, Beth is a life-long boobie grabber. Disgusting.

With Theresa & Robin. T & I were roommates for years!

What fun it was to just sit and chat and catch up with everyone. They always get to hear about me and all of my bullshit because of this blog. It was nice to hear about them for once!!! Although, I am a little worried about Robin. I think it's entirely possible that I may have scarred her for life. We all know that I can sometimes use what may be described as colorful language... and last night Robin heard some things that made her turn colors!!! 50 shades of red, I'd say... it was hilarious. It's never my intention to shock and appall people.... but evidently, I do. These are the ABC's of me baby!!!! Take it or leave it. I'm VERY happy to say that my KD girlz seem to love me just the way I am. :0)

And now on to some very important business.... Toni.... what the fuck happened to you the other night??? You heinous bitch!!!! Not only was I looking forward to catching up, my mom was dying to see you AND she wanted to meet Cookie!!! You are in deep shit my friend, and you must be punished. Here's how it's gonna be... my mom finishes the school year on Friday and then heads to Virginia on Wednesday the 15th. You need to call & make a date with her sometime in those few days. Not only that, but you are going to set up a g-mail account for her & show her how to post on my site. That is your penance. Got it??? GOOD!!!

I still have so much to tell you about the party and some unexpected things that I experienced, but for now, I have to head to school to say bye bye to the mamasan and then drive my ass to SFO and fly home. Booooooooo. Damn... I never realize how much I miss home until I actally get here. And this trip was so short... it was just a mean ol' tease. I will be very happy to see my sweet Finn, my love bug Rory & the other lil ones, but Reilly? Not so much. He has been a complete DICK while I've been gone & has made this as difficult for me as possible. I worked so hard to organize everything, set-up play dates, delegate responsibilities, etc so that my absence would have the least impact possible... especially on Finn. But Reilly has fought me every step of the way and made things even more difficult and left Finn with way more to deal with than I had planned. Oh well... I hope he doesn't have anything fun planned in the near future, cuz I can tell ya'.... it ain't gonna happen!!! What a shit head. I guess it's a good thing that I don't have 3 nickels to rub together and won't be going on a girls' trip this summer... it's clear that I can't leave home... ever again!!! Aaaaggghhhhh!!!!

Gotta fly... literally!

xoxo

Didja miss me???

2011-06-06T14:48:00.001-04:00

Hey doodle bops! Have you wondered why I haven't been posting? Well..... I left Saturday's soccer tournament after the first game, headed to the airport, and hopped a plane to Cali!!!! Oh yeah... stayed in a hotel on Saturday night and shocked the shit out of my mom by surprising her during her retirement party!!!! I kept it on the serious down-low... the only people who knew I was coming were my uncle John, Elaine (the gal who did most of the work for the party) and my KD girls. I had to tell them because I want to see them!!!! Good news... we're having dinner tonight! :0)

I don't have time right this minute to give you all of the details, but let me just say, the party was a SMASHING SUCCESS!!!! There were about 300 guests, fabulous food, amazing decorations and tons of hugs & tears. It was wonderful... the perfect celebration for her, and a wonderful treat for me too. :0) Here's one of my favorite pics from yesterday... my KD Sister Theresa drove up from LA yesterday...

Just a teensy bit surprised to see Theresa!

I didn't take nearly as many pictures yesterday as I was planning to... I was far too busy chatting, hugging & bawling my eyes out! Good news though, one of my mom's parents is a professional photographer & she was the official event photog. I've also created a new photo website where all guests can go to upload their pics and videos. If you were at the party, PLEASE share your pics!!!! Here is the site info:

www.welovemrsb.shutterfly.com

password: altavista

I'm hoping that pics will start pouring in mid-week... they're sending out their weekly e-mail blast to all of the Alta Vista families & the site info will be there. It will take me some time to organize and edit all of the pics, but it's already looking cute, so go take a peek. There is also a place where you can leave a message for my mom, so please do!

I spent the morning at school watching the dress rehearsal for her final Glee Club performance tonight. It was great & I had fun visiting her class too. Time to head back over to joing her for lunch. I'll write again as soon as I can.

We love first graders!!!

With my KD girlz Lisa & Theresa at the party.

Gotta scram.... love you!

xoxo

Hellooooooooo

2011-06-04T16:32:00.000-04:00

Where be all my peeps??? I MISSES ya! Feeling a wee bit blue... my mamasan's retirement par-tay is tomorrow. I'd give anything to be there. :( She's probably relieved though... she doesn't want MY hideous mug funkin' up the place!

Off to soccer game #2... 5 hours apart!!! What fucknut scheduled this shit?!?!

:0)
S

Exhausted

2011-06-03T09:54:00.000-04:00

Yes... the word of the day is exhausted. I'd really love a nap.... a dirt nap, preferably. Fuckin' hell.... I finally get one of the kids at least sort of squared away... Reilly is totally rising to the challenge of having a job. He's been extra helpful around the house and has been pretty pleasant in general. It's a wonderful change after months and months of such hideous surliness, that I didn't even want to see his face. So of course, now it's Rory's turn. He had an EPIC meltdown last night. Seriously, I don't think he's had one that severe since right after David died. We're talking 90 solid minutes of screaming, kicking, throwing and breaking things, hitting me, saying hateful things... you name it. He was hysterical. What triggered that happy episode? He couldn't find his soccer socks. Great. He doesn't know the date that David died... I'm not sure he even realizes it was June. But I honestly believe that he feels the anniversary looming. I learned through support groups that this kind of thing is innate... the body just knows it. I'm having all kinds of nightmares and extra anxiety attacks, so why shouldn't he? It's just so completely exhausting... and heartbreaking at the same time. Luckily, the storm finally passed and he was smiling and happy by bedtime... so then it was my turn to fall apart. I must have laid there and cried to Finn for over an hour.

You know what I fucking HATE???? When people say 'everything happens for a reason'. BULLSHIT. There was a time when I, myself was one of the morons who spouted that shit. But really, can you tell me the reason that my boys have to gow up without their daddy? What's the reason that they have to suffer so horribly? What's the reason that they will be forced to bear this pain for their entire lives??? There ISN'T one.

I'm feeling like a raw, bloody, exposed nerve, and I'm guessing the lil kid is too. I'm just so tired. Tired of the continuous emotional upheaval of the boys. Tired of the nightmares. Tired of worrying about money. Tired of feeling overwhelmed. Tired of dodging creditors. Tired of getting letters from attorneys. I'm tired of it all. Because of that, I am giving myself a gift today.... I'm taking a few hours off. The club pool opens at 10:30 and I plan to lay there like a giant pile for a few hours. I didn't tell anyone at home... keeping this one all to myself. I literally never get to sit still and just be... there is always something that needs tending to. Well, for a couple hours today, the only thing I'll be tending to is moi. Selfish? Yep. Necessary? Definitely.

Have a good one.
S

***Extra special love & hugs to my Auntie Nut. Hope you are recovering well & will be feeling like your old self IMMEDIATELY!!!!! Love you... xoxoxoxoxoxoxo

SO EXCITING!!!!!

2011-06-02T16:04:00.000-04:00

Hey shmoos... just had to tell you some FAB news! It turns out that Comfort Zone Camp DID win one of the 100 Cars For Good yesterday!!!! Wahoooooo!!!! Thanks SO MUCH to all of you that voted!!! CZC will be getting a brand new Highlander that they will use to transport kids to and from camp. SPECTACULAR!!!

:0)

xoxoxo

Mornin'

2011-06-02T09:16:00.000-04:00

Hey monkeys... I don't have much time this morning. Why, you may ask? Beacuse that dirty bitch Katy has convinced me to meet her at spin class again. FUCK! The only reason I'm going is because I have already started to see major changes... seriously. I hate it... it's an hour of pure torture... but it obviously works. After that, I'm going for my Mudda's Day facial and massage. Aaaaahhhhhh..... I can't wait.

Somehow, the humidity seems to have blown out overnight. Thank God. It's still hot, but at least it's not that completely unbearable combo of high heat & humidity. I have no idea if it's supposed to last... not having tv service puts a little damper on watching the news/weather. I DO hope it stays decent for the weekend though. Rory & Leilei have a soccer tournament on Saturday. All I have to say about that is... yuck. It's the big, end of season jamboree, which means moonbounces, games, etc. Sounds fun, right? But it's a nightmare for someone who doesn't do well in the heat... like MOI! Super bonus... Chris will be joining us for the later game, and then is coming over to spend the night. He and the boys are getting up really early Sunday to go fishing. They are VERY excited and I'm happy for them, but my poor Finn... he's already DREADING it!!! It's a pretty bad sign if Finn can't stand being around you. He is Mr. Calm & Easy... likes everyone, gets along with everyone & can talk to anybody. But when it comes to Chris, he'd rather eat a steaming pile of Ollie shit.

I certainly can't blame him. I can't stand that moron either. I had the joy of spending Wenesday evening with him. It was Reilly's final guitar concert, so Chris was there. He has been very good about attending all of Reilly's events and I certainly appreciate that. It means a lot to Reilly. For some reason though, he hasn't come to any of Rory's things. That's how the weekend plan was born... Rory asked him to come to the game... and the rest is history.

The guitar concert was beautiful. Have you ever heard 77 acoustic guitars play all together? Amazing. It made me sad though too, as Reilly has decided to give up guitar. I really believe he lost his passion for it when David died. It was something they shared... talked about... enjoyed doing together. He used to walk around with a guitar all the time. Honestly, we probably had 5 or 6 of them scattered around the house. But now, other than his concerts, I haven't heard him play for almost a year. He doesn't practice anymore. Only plays in class at school. The really shitty part is that he is supremely gifted when it comes to guitar. Truly. He could hear a song on the radio, and within a half hour, he had it figured out and was playing it beautifully. He has an innate talent, and I hate to see him let it go. Even more so since the concert... as I watched all of those kids play, it was crystal clear to me that Reilly was one of very few who was completely in the moment. His eyes were mostly closed, his head was bobbing to the music and I could see in his body language that he was really feeling the music. It was coming through him. But I get it. When David got sick, I lost my passion for baking. It was something I did every single day. Sometimes I'd get up in the night because I HAD to bake something. But that's been gone for over 3 years now... I don't know that it will ever come back.

There was an unpleasant little aside just before the concert. Apparently, some of the guys were messing around and just joking with each other. For some reason, this stupid asshole named Faizan started making jokes about the fact that "Reilly's dad is dead". Hmmm..... NOT funny. Reilly came unglued and evidently told this kid that as soon as the concert was over, he was gonna shove the kid's guitar neck all the way up his ass. I didn't know any of that until afterwards, but I say, good for him. I was actually hoping to come face to face with the kid at the reception after the concert. I know he's a kid and obviously he's just ignorant... but that's not okay with me. I will happily take any opportunity to educate someone about the fact that some topics are just off limits. Ignorance is no excuse for inflicting pain, and when it comes to my kids.... watch the fuck out 'cuz I'm NOT letting it go.

I also enjoyed being avoided like the plague once again. The same family that's done it all year... one that we were very close with, for years. I just can't understand how they can justify their behavior toward me. Yeah... ignorant, but also disgusting and hurtful.

Gots to go. Time for the simulated gang bang experience. Eew.

Have a good one.
xoxo
S

Still boiling my hooters off...

2011-06-01T09:51:00.001-04:00

Hey peeps... first things first... a couple of important things to address. One of my dearest childhood friends, Wendi Ripley Todt, and her family are in desperate need of your prayers and positive juju. Her oldest son Kevin, 12, fell 15 feet to the ground yesterday and landed on his head. They live in Rohnert Park, CA. He was immediately airlifted to Children's Hospital in Oakland. He was bleeding from his ears, asking repetitive questions and had no memory of the fall. The latest update I got was last night... he has a skull fracture on one side and a brain bleed on the other. They have no plans for surgery as of yet, but planned to keep him in the ICU for at least 24 hours to monitor him closely. They are a family of deep faith and I know they would appreciate your prayers. They have 2 younger children, Angela & Hunter... Wendi is a full-time mom & Josh is a Sheriff's Deputy. Wendi & I met in second grade and have been friends ever since. Our families became incredibly close... we went all through school together, were in each other's weddings, etc. Please send them all the love you've got.

The other big one is my Auntie Nut... having surgery today???? EEEEEWWWW!!!! I'm so sorry! I don't know about hernia surgery... can they do it laporoscopically? I hope so!!! I'll be thinking about you and praying for you today... and hope that you will be up and around and feeling like yourself immediately. I love you & miss you... more than you know!!!

Another important thing I need help with today.... Comfort Zone Camp is a finalist in Toyota's 100 Cars For Good Program. Today is the ONLY DAY TO VOTE!!!! Please go to www.facebook.com/toyota to cast your vote. If they win a car, they will use it to help provide transportation to and from camps for those who have no way to get there. I think I've made it clear just how much I love CZC... anything I can do to help them... I will! Please vote, and then pass along the info.

And now I will digress... I know you're just waiting for me to start my daily bitchfest. What a Suzie Sunshine I have become! Since Auntie Nut mentioned my 'nads'... I take that as a compliment, by the way... let me share another snippet from my lovely exchange with that dirty pirate hooker from Sunday. At one point, she said she was no longer talking to me... was leaving... and would be back when Roy got home. Uh.... no. The kids already knew she was there!!! Hellooooooo.... you're NOT leaving!!! She actually started her car and began to back out. I marched up to her car, opened the fuckin door and told her to get out and come get her children. She kept telling me to go in the house and get them, and I said "No. I don't trust you. Either you come in the house with me, or you turn off the car and give me the keys." She must be getting the memo that I am NOT to be fucked with.... she turned it off & handed me the keys. What an asshole. I was NOT going to allow her to abandon those kids, yet again. The other thing that I thought was hilarious, was when she said she'd brought money to give to Roy. I told her I'd be sure to get it to him, and she said "No! I'm not giving YOU anything! How do I know you'll actually give it to Roy?!" Seriously???? My reply was "you trust me to raise your children, but you don't trust me to pass along a few bucks?" She said nothing. What a moron.

The weather continues to be absolutely unbearable. SO hot and humid that they actually cancelled ALL outdoor sporting events yesterday... no practices, no games, nothin'. Too hot. Yuck. I'm still wrestling with the pool... it's turning green again. I roasted my ass off last night cleaning the filter. Hoping that I can get it back to blue asap.

Time to skedaddle. Please remember Kevin Todt and family in your prayers, and send good juju to my Auntie Nut too.

Love you cheeseheads.
S

***Okay, 2 more things.

1. My fucking pool is back to being GREEN!!!! AAAGGGHHHHH!!!! I am so over dealing with this stupid thing. It's always been such a no-maintenance pool, and all of this extra work I'm doing on it is KILLING ME!!! I cleaned the filter last night, put in some chemicals & let it run a few hours. I stayed up extra late specifically to turn the filter off. Pretty sure I can't afford to run the thing overnight. I was out there again at 6 a.m. turning the filter back on... and I get home to GREEN WATER?!?!?! I am seriously ready to off myself.

2. I will NOT off myself... at least not until after tomorrow. I have an appointment to use the Mother's Day gift that Finn got for me... a massage AND a facial, beginning at 11 a.m. Thursday. Now way in HELL am I missing that!!!!

***PLEASE GO VOTE FOR COMFORT ZONE CAMP!!!!!!!***

Ugh.

2011-05-31T10:26:00.000-04:00

Well THAT was a giant shit heap of a weekend. My house is falling down around me. Sunday evening, just before dinner, Finn noticed a lovely waterfall coming from the upstairs hallway, just outside our room. Of course, the waterfall left behind some lovely stains on the ceiling, as well as falling drywall. Awesome. It was the A/C unit in the attic that was leaking. Once again, Finn came to the rescue. He crawled up in that attic to survey the scene. It turns out that the pan they placed under the unit... in case of a leak... was cracked all the way through. He spent a couple hours scooping out the gallons of standing water with a cup, filling a bucket, and then passing the bucket down the ladder to Reilly & Austen... over and over again. He also repaired the crack and put a fan up there to dry everything out. I'm obviously going to have to get a new pan, but I'll have to hire someone to do that. At least the waterfall has been turned off... for now.

Yesterday the garage fridge went tits up. Not a big surprise. It's the first fridge David and I bought, about 19 years ago. As a special treat though, it happened during the night, so all the food has got to go. Perfect. Add to that, I discovered a crack in the windshield of my car. And, the pool still isn't clear. I've got to get out there and vacuum it, but the weather is SO unbearable, I don't know when I'll be able to do that. Finn and the kids decided they didn't give a shit that the pool wasn't perfect, and got in for a few hours yesterday. They had a wonderful time. I hope I can get that fuckin' thing up to snuff soon, 'cause I'd really like to get in too.

My pumpkin... SO happy to be back in the pool.

Notice they're ALL in the water... even Chloe. :0)

My angel.

Sorry to be such a fuckin' downer, but I'm hittin' the skids again. These things that keep popping up just throw me for a loop. It's hard enough for me to stay positive on a daily basis. This kind of shit pushes me right over the edge.

Hoping for a better day... with this weather though, it's not looking good. CRAZY heat and humidity... this is late August weather. Eew.

Later...

Yep.... I'm a fuckin' rockstar...

2011-05-29T11:44:00.000-04:00

Just in case you were wondering, yes, I AM a rockstar... I've still GOT IT, baby!!! Friday night, Finn's at work... we do our regular pizza & movie night and the kiddos were happy as clams. And then it was bed time... ruh roh. Jayden happily followed me up the stairs, let me clean him up & put on his jammies. I gave him a snuggle and put him in bed. NOT A FUCKIN' PEEP OUTTA THE KID!!!!! Yep.... serious gloating ensued. I was feeling pretty damn proud of myself. :0) My poor Finn got off work a little early... ended up getting home at 11 p.m. instead of getting off then. 4:30 a.m. to 11p.m.???? That is one MO FO of a day. Then yesterday, he was up at the crack of dawn's ass working outside. I ran up and borrowed a zero-turn from John, so both he and Reilly mowed at the same time and knocked it out pretty quickly. We still have tons of weeding and edging to do, but it looks a zillion times better. He was also back at dealing with the pool filter. The guy is a fuckin' workhorse!

The water still isn't crystal clear, but it's getting better every minute!

As if he hadn't already done MORE than enough for the day, he then decided to tackle the playset. It used to be absolutely beautiful... cost us 5000 bucks. But then a tornado tore through our yard about 5 years ago and ripped the thing apart. Big shocker, David promised Rory for AGES that he'd fix it... but he never did.

Can you believe this guy?????

Clearly, it's going to take a ton of work to return it to it's former glory, but if anyone can do it, my Finn can. He's hoping to get far enough along with it today to get the slide back on. I have no clue how he'll find the energy to do that though.... he was out there until 9:00 last night and then had to leave for work again this morning at 4:30. Fuckin' hell!!!

I had a lovely little exchange this morning... with the stupid whore known as the kids' mom. Miraculously, her 'schedule changed' so she planned to come get the kids this morning and keep them until tomorrow night. That was the plan, but you know nothing ever goes according to plan with her. I met her outside so that we could have a wee chat. I told her that we needed to have a discussion about finances. I was very pleasant, but of course, she was not pleased & told me that it wasn't my business and she'd speak to Roy about it. I made sure she knew that it most certainly is my business, as " I am co-parenting her children and they have been living in my home for 7 months"... 7 months in which she has given Roy ZERO financial support. She didn't say much... she knows she's completely in the wrong. I asked her if she realized how lucky she is... how lucky the kids are, to have him for a dad. Then I got the ol' "I'm not talking to you about this... I'll be back when Roy is home." Uh, no. Then she starts giving me the sob story about how hard she works, but she doesn't have any money... blah blah blah. I said, "well, you must be doing at least okay, because I see that your nails are beautifully done". Hmmm... she no likey. Whatever... long story short, it was not pretty. To top it off, she said she was taking the kids to lunch and then would be bringing them back. Oh. My. God. Do you know what she said to Roy last night??? "I can't keep them overnight.... what am I supposed to do with them?" They're your children!!! Be their fucking mother for 5 minutes!!!!! Aaaaggghhhhh!!!! She makes me insane. So I guess they'll be back in a little bit... who the fuck knows.

I'm running to the pool store to get even more chemicals, then a couple other quick errands and back home to deal with the yard. Eew. Reilly is working until 8 tonight and Finn & I had planned to go to a movie, but it looks like that idea's shot to shit. Awesome. At least the yard is shaping up.

Better than it's looked in a long time. :0)

I hope you're enjoying the weekend.

xoxo

:0)

2011-05-27T09:07:00.000-04:00

Sent my sweet angel a text this morning. Here's our little conversation:

Shan: Dheanann to athas orm
Gaelic for 'you make me happy'.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

Finn: Jfjf nsnd.f. .tr.cks mr jfhg

Shan: Bwahahahaaaaa!!!

Finn: That's Finneyfrock! I loves you HAWARD!!!!!

How cute is he????? Dayum.... he makes me laugh. Yep... keeping him. :0) We were working on the pool late into the night again. You would not believe how many times he's taken the filter out to clean it. Yeash!!! Talk about ridonculous amounts of algae! The good news???? That means the filter is really working... yahoooooo!!!

In case you had any question... I most definitely belong in a rubber room. I am meeting KK & Gabby at the club for round 2 of the simulated clydesdale gang bang class in a few minutes. What the FUCK??? I guess that's what happens when you're turning into a Gooey McFlabbyass... you'll do anything to lose the weight! Let's just say, I'm NOT looking forward to it. Eew.

It's gonna be hot as balls again today. The really shitty part is that my Finn has to work a DOUBLE in this heat! Poor fucker. Talk about a long-ass day ahead. I'm not getting off easily either... since their mother is a shit bag, she won't be coming to get the kids. That means I have to pick up Jayden this afternoon and I'M gonna have to put him to bed tonight. Not really a big deal for me.... but he's not gonna be happy!I have no problem letting him scream his fuckin' head off. He screamed last night for over 2 hours. That's the main reason we stayed outside working on the pool. Finn is so tempted to keep going back in there, that I made him come outside with me. I definitely feel for him... I certainly know how horrible it feels to listen to your kid screaming bloody murder like that, but it's way past time for him to doing that. He's almost 3... he's gotta get the memo. Finn's doing a great job... I'm so proud of him. Do you realize how few men on this earth would take on all that he has??? I think it will be a nice treat for him to come home after an uber long day (and night!) and have the kid already be asleep for once.

Miss Nicole... yes, I have been following Krista. I'm so happy for her that she's enjoying motherhood so much. And I love that she's starting her own business. She'll never regret it. Being able to stay home with your children is the greatest joy in the world.

Special love & hugs to my Sister Bobbin & her darling family... they are off to Camp Okizu for the weekend. Her son Richard Brett is a cancer survivor and this will be their 9th year at camp. I hope you guys have a fabulous, beautiful, fun & healing experience!!!! Love you!!!!! xoxoxoxoxo

Guess I'd better go... a horrendous ass-pounding awaits me at the club. Fuck.

xoxo
S

MY HERO!!!!!!

2011-05-26T17:34:00.000-04:00

Yes.... Froggy is my hero. :0) Woke up this morning to a drastically cleaner pool... and that was only letting the filter run for about 2 hours. Normally, I'd just let it run all night, but the water is SO nasty that I knew the pressure build-up would be too much. He raced home from work today and was back at it again. What would I do without him????? And guess what else he got working... the ExerSwim machine that David was given as a gift and used only once. They retail for 3700 bucks!!!!! I hope to hell I can sell that bad boy on Craigslist for mucho dinero!!!

It's 100 degrees & humid out, & he's cleaning the filter. It's supposed to be WHITE!!! Eew.

At the moment, he's on a mad tear to find a couple of replacement parts for the filter... plugs, etc. And that's after leaving for work at 4:30 a.m.! I'm telling you, this guy's a keeper. I tried to help a little bit this afternoon, but it's so miserable outside that I didn't last long. The only way I can bear to be in that heat and humidity is to be IN the pool. Soon.... I'm hoping very, very soon!

Chloe was back at it today... that is a seriously goofy-ass water dog. She loves to swim so much. Watching her jump in after that ball is absolutely hilarious.

Goober dog.

I'm glad the kids aren't bothered by the heat all that much. They're riding bikes now, but earlier they were with us by the pool. Look at my cute guy...

Cute lil nerd bird.

He's aching to get in the pool!. Hmmm... think I need to do some weeding out there? Shit.

That's it for now... time to get dinner happening. I hope wherever you are, you're not boiling your balls off like the poor slobs in Northern Virginia!

xoxo

Where be you are????

2011-05-26T10:29:00.001-04:00

Hey monkeys... where the hell are ya? A few of my regular peeps get a pass, as we've been e-mailing back and forth. The rest of ya? Pffffftttt!!! Miss Tojo... I'm so sorry that my last entry caused you to pee your pants. You ARE getting older, ya know. But I promise to give you a heads-up next time so you can slap on some Depends. =) And Miss Nicole... no worries. The posts come to me in a list as they are posted... I don't have to scroll back through to see the comments. And why aren't you caught up on my life???? Busy living your own life???? Selfish bitch.

I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, so it may come as a bit of a shock.... I LUVVVVVES MY FINN!!!!! There are a million reasons I love him.... he's an incredible daddy, he's a complete goofball, he makes me feel good about myself, he loves my kids, he's real, honest & genuine, he makes me laugh constantly, he's sexy as HELL... I could go on for days. Another reason I adore him is that he's my very own redneck MacGuyver!!! I'm telling you, this guy can fix ANYTHING! He actually ressurected the pool pump & filter last night. Oh. My. God. 10:00 at night, and he was out there working his ass off. He took the whole thing apart, cleaned the filter, put it back, backwashed the system, added DE, scooped mounds of leaves from the bottom... he's my ANGEL! His next plan is to tackle the heater. He opened it up and saw several mouse nests in there. Hmmm.... think that could be causing a problem??? He's also going to take Cujo apart (that's our auto vac) to see if he can get him going too. I looked last night & they are 900 bucks. NOT gonna be replacing it, so I really hope he can fix it. It's been hot and humid as balls out here for the past few days... summer has most certainly arrived. I want us to be in that pool ASAP!!!!

Talked to my mamasan last night & my last few posts had her worried. I want to assure you that while I do tend to rage on the page, I do a much better job of being positive and happy around the kids. I try to purge it all here, so I don't feel the need to stay in bed with my head under the covers for days at a time. I've got the kids all excited about the fun and lazy summer we're going to have. Let me amend that... the fun and lazy summer they're gonna have. My dumb ass is going to be back in school for the first time in 20 years!!! What an IDIOT I am!!! I was excited about it a few days ago, but the excitement is now morphing into abject fear.

I put up more cute pics on Shutterfly the other day, so go see 'em if you haven't yet. Gots to go... mucho errandos to run. Pool store, here I come!

Make it a good one. =)
xoxo
S

OUC*H !!!!!!!!!

2011-05-24T16:30:00.000-04:00

Hey cheesies... wazzup? I know I mentioned that I'm becoming a jiggly tub o' goo again. I'm getting to the club as often as I can... some days I still have death biz that keeps me from getting there, and other days I just can't get motivated. But I'm doing what I can. Last week KK & I worked out together and ran into a friend of hers that was singing the praises of the club spin classes. They offer a bazillion classes there, but I've never taken one. Not sure why, as I do love dance, step, etc. Anyhoo, I had the bright idea to suggest to Katy that we meet for the spin class yesterday morning. I am SUCH an asshole!!! Oh. My. God. Let's just say that the people who are spin addicts are freaks. They are NOT human. I skimmed over the class list, just to get an idea about what else they offer. I noticed that some classes are 45 minutes, some 50, etc. Well wouldntcha know, I discovered that this particular class was an hour, AFTER I was already on the bike. Son of a bitch. I'm not sure how, but I actually did make it through the entire class. I did not escape unscathed, however... I believe I posted on Facebook that "I now know what it feels like to be gang banged by a pack of wild Clydesdales." Seriously... not good. Now I know why Lance Armstrong got testicular cancer... his balls hurt so much that they went and got themselves cancerified in the hopes that they'd be cut off and set free. Sadly... one ball remains. Poor little nut. :( Actually though, that reminds me of a story about him. First of all, I don't know if you've read much about him, but it's a fuckin' miracle that he's alive. True, ball cancer (as David liked to call it) is highly treatable... but only with early detection. Lance had it for a long while before being diagnosed... in fact, it had spread to several other spots, including his brain. Do you know why it took so long for him to be diagnosed??? Because riding his bike everyday meant that his balls were always hurting him. It never even occurred to him to bring it up to a doctor... he'd been experiencing ball/ass agony for YEARS!!! I don't know about you, but if I tried out a new sport and really liked it... even if I was good at it... if it meant feeling like a new porn starlet after her first DP scene everyday, I think I'd move on to something else. But hey... that's just me.

Believe it or not, I did go back to the club today and I even rode a bike. I stuck with the recumbent though... not really interested in having that little seat crammed in my nether-region again any time soon.

At the moment I'm feeling icky. A little tummy flare-up that's been coming and going for a few days. I can't possibly pinpoint the exact reason for the episodes anymore... I eat the same few things every single day, so it's not food-related. That means it's stress-related. Okay, well that just doesn't narrow it down at all!!! I'm juggling so many stressors right now, and generally, a new one or two pop up just about every day. In fact, here's one for ya... got a letter yesterday from my wills, trusts & estates attorney. She is officially ceasing to be my representative in about 14 different lawsuits against David's estate. Why, you might ask??? She stated that it's because she can't get a hold of me. NO SHIT, SHERLOCK!!!!! The last time I got a bill from her, she charged me 75 bucks to read an e-mail... 150 clams to take a phone call. Why in the FUCK would I want to be in touch with you????? Her associate, Eileen, was the one who worked with me for a couple years. She was very good to me and I know she did a lot of work for me that she didn't bill me for. All of a sudden back in October, she was gone from the firm... and I've been treated like shit & billed to the hilt ever since. Shocker. Just one more pain in the ass to add to my list.

So yep... tummy funk. I should be up making dinner, but I really need to lay here for a bit. Hope you're having a good one.

xoxo
S

***I want to send out extra special love & hugs to my Dad & Miss Mary. They lost one of their beloved German Shepherds last Friday. His name was Bubba and he had cancer. They love all of their dogs, but Bubba was extra special. I'm so, so sorry. Fuckin' cancer. Thinking of you. xoxoxo

???

2011-05-23T13:51:00.000-04:00

Spunk... I have ZERO clue what you're talking about regarding CPS/Jayden/ sleeping in the bed, etc. First of all, it's completely legal. Secondly, on the rare occasion that stupid whore does see her kids, Jayden never sleeps anywhere but in her bed. Then it always takes us a week to undo the bad habits he's gotten into. (oh... and ps... even if there was a legal problem, trust me... this girl is nowhere near bright enough to realize it. She's about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.) No worries though... I love them all and consider them my family, but this is MY house & I will NOT have a baby in my bed. I never did it with my own fuckin' kids... why the hell would I allow it with someone else's??? And truthfully, if he's got an issue with me discussing Krissy's lack of contribution, then WE have a major problem on our hands. We have to be able to talk about these things. Unfortunately, she is their mother and will be in our lives in one way or another forever. I cannot be expected to fund the lives of these children. If money wasn't such a problem for me, then it wouldn't bother me nearly as much. I know she's a loser. It's a fact. But she does have a job, and she has no living expenses other than those related to her car. I think she's not paying on purpose. She sees the big house and property & she refers to me as Finn's 'sugar mama'. Hilarious.... if only that were true.

It's not the same situation, but it definitely reminds me of my time with Ryan... adored him, adored the kids... but the ex was a nightmare and the sole cause of any and all stress. I honestly loathe this girl. Yes... she's too young, immature and stupid to have custody of her kids. I get that and I completely agree. I understand that she's 'trying to put her life back together', but does she really have to be 90 minutes away to do that??? She works at JC Penney, for the love of Christ. Hellloooooo..... transfer to one that's closer to your children so you can actually be part of their lives. Oops... look who I'm talking about. That would seriously impact her social life. I'd love to punch her in the throat.

Yep... still pissed.

S

Pissed

2011-05-23T09:17:00.000-04:00

What a treat to be seething with rage by 4:30 a.m. Awesome. Fuckin' Jayden again. I don't know why, but Finn took the side off his crib the other day. Hellllooooo.... he's NOT climbing out and he's not even 3 yet!!! Obviously, the kid now has a free pass to get out of his bed whenever he wants to. Making things worse is that when he does do that, Finn brings him in bed with us. Uh... no. I had TWO kids that were HORRIBLE sleepers and we never, EVER brought them into our bed. NOT ONCE. The first time either of my kids slept in my bed was after David died. Rory was clearly struggling and that's a completely different situation. If a kid got up and needed attention, we'd either go into their room, or take 'em down to the family room. No need for BOTH adults to be awake. Adding to my explosive anger is the fact that I am raising that stupid whore's kids while she's off counting ceiling tiles and not contributing to their care in any way. I told Finn this morning that I want her fuckin' phone number. From now on, if WE'RE awake, SHE'S gonna be awake too. Stupid bitch. Clearly, Finn is mad about the situation too, but he seems to be mad at me. Great. I'm not looking forward to this evening.... let's just say we'll be having a SERIOUS come to Jesus discussion about the kids & that stupid bitch's need to start ponying up some cash NOW.

Of course, that early morning surprise has fucked up the start to the day. I have SO much trouble sleeping.... once I'm awake, I'm awake. So I was up intil about 6:15, passed out, and must have turned off my alarm in my sleep-deprived stupor. I woke with a start at 7:20. We need to leave the house at 7:30. Try getting yourself, 3 kids and 4 dogs taken care of in 10 minutes. It's not pretty.

I continue to be so overwhelmed by the reality that is my life, that I cried myself to sleep last night. I'm so tired of being tired... so tired of being sad... so tired of being scared shitless... I'm just tired of it all. I guess that's why I keep getting fatter... stuffing my face in a pathetic attempt to quiet the screaming in my head... if only for a few minutes.

Time

I can't explain

Can't quite put my finger on it

The difference that makes us so different.

We've said everything

Our words only betrayed us

Nothing is left... nothing was left unsaid.

This time, I have nothing left to lose

I'm stuck, the second hand won't move

It's about time that I speak my mind

It's about time, about time to find pieces of me I have lost,

Without any choice I move on.

Hey time, you're no friend of mine.

You cover yourself, you cover your skin

You cover yourself like to cover your sins

Please untie my hands,

I'm a sinner, I'm a man

I ask for one minute, to make you understand

This time, I have nothing left to lose

I'm stuck, the second hand won't move

It's about time that I speak my mind

It's about time, about time to find pieces of me I have lost

Without any choice I move on

Hey time, you're no friend of mine.

Will you be there

To catch me, when I stumble, when I fall

When I fall

It's so very clear

You left me when I had no one at all

No one at all

Who will be there

To catch me, to catch me when I stumble

When I fall, when I fall

It's so very clear

You left me with no one at all

No one at all

This time, I have nothing left to lose

I'm stuck, the second hand won't move

It's about time that I speak my mind

It's about time, about time to find pieces of me I have lost

Without any choice I move on

Hey time, you're no friend of mine

The pieces of me I have lost

Without any choice I move on

Time

Time, you're no friend of mine.

-Creed

Fuckin' hell... I hope this day gets better.

WARNING: BITCH-FEST BELOW!!!

2011-05-22T20:23:00.000-04:00

Yep. I'm in a shitty ass, piss poor mood. Just frustrated and tired, I guess. First of all, I love our Jayden... but this early weekend morning wake up shit is getting OLD. It certainly doesn't help that there is no reprieve in sight. I told you the kids are never going back to Finn's grandma's, and Krissy couldn't be less interested in spending time with her kids. She flat-out told Finn yesterday that she's working every weekend for the next month. And let's not forget... when she had them 2 weeks ago, it was for about 30 whole hours. Stupid fucking whore. It probably wouldn't make me quite as insane if she was at least helping out financially. I don't understand the dynamic Finn has with her... he seems to just let everything go & not push her. He's not a confrontational person, so maybe that's where it comes from. But it make s me FUCKING NUTS!!!!!

I spent the whole day sweating like a pig while cleaning.... inside & outside.Finn spent a couple hours trimming the huge bushes by the pool equipment, while I moved patio furniture, scrubbed & scooped the pool, and picked up random shit in the yard. Then I got busy on the inside. It was that horrible kind of cleaning... the hands and knees scrubbing kind, that NO ONE will notice but me. I HATE that!!!!!

It certainly didn't help that the humidity showed up today. Fucking hell.... it's gonna be a long damn summer with the nasty ass weather out here. NOT looking forward to it. I had to close everything up and turn on the air. :( I miss not having the fresh air blow through the house, but I can't stand to be sticky and sweaty in my own home. I've bumped up the temp a few degrees to save on electric, so it's not nearly as cool as I'd like it to be. Finn thinks I'm ridiculous... like David, he grew up in a house in Maryland with no a/c. I swear to Christ... I have no idea how they even lived to tell the tale!!! It gets positively unbearable... some days, just walking from the house to the car is enough to make you want to keel over. And it's only just begun. Fuck.

Finn and the kids spent much of yesterday at his parent's house & Leilei ended up spending the night. He got home with Jayden & put him straight to bed, so we actually got to go see a movie. I had to drive like a bat outta hell to make it to the 9:30 show, but we got there with about 3 minutes to spare. We saw "Bridesmaids"... laughed our asses off. A definite must-see. Lots of good things coming up this summer too, according to the previews.

Reilly had his first whole day at work today... 7 am-4pm. He called me to come get him at lunch, as he'd forgotten to take food with him. He was exhausted, and it was only noon. He said,"I've been scrubbing cages for an hour! My arms hurt SO bad!!!" My reply was, "welcome to my world." When he asked what I meant by that, I told him he may work at a kennel, but our whole fucking house is a kennel! Add to that, I have 6 people after whom I have to clean up too!!!! He actually said the words... "I'll stop complaining now." I'm gonna savor that one.

Wanna know another reason I'm pissed? Chances are basically slim to none (and Slim left 10 minutes ago) that I'll have hot water to shower tonight, and I'm a filthy pig... aaaggghhhhh!!!!!

SO tired.... SO grumpy... shit! So much for the weekend. I hope you're in a FAR better mood than I am.

S

Friday.....

2011-05-20T23:28:00.000-04:00

Yo nimbobs... thanks for all of the kudos regarding going back to school, but I guarantee you it has NOTHING to do with 'guts'. This is pure desperation, people. It has become crystal clear to me as I've searched for a job, lo these many months... that I will NEVER be able to support my family if I don't get some sort of education to help me out. In 3 years, Reilly's social security benefits are taken away... a few years later, mine will be gone, and then Rory's when he's 18. I had to go and fall in love with a fuckin' blue collar redneck instead of gettin' myself a sugar daddy. Well shit. That wasn't a very well thought out plan, was it??? I'm almost positive it will take me longer than the 3 years this whole thing is supposed to take. One year for the pre-requisites, and two more for the nursing program. The problem is that they suggest you DO NOT work during the RN program because it is so rigorous and time consuming. Fuck! If you think I have the tiniest clue as to how we will survive financially if I actually see this thing through, then you are dead wrong. I don't know how I'm going to handle these 2 classes in the summer... don't even get me started thinking about doing during the school year... sports, support groups, class projects... all of it. I'm scared out of my mind.

I mean, shit. As it is now, I'm barely keeping my head above water, and I don't have a job. I'm taking dogs out at midnight and folding laundry or doing dishes at 2 a.m. I don't have time to sit down... when, exactly, am I supposed to study??? Ugh. I'm starting to give myself a tummy ache.

We all went to the lacrosse end-of-season party tonight. It was a bbq at one of the lax family's spectacular home. It was supposed to thunderstorm all afternoon and evening, but it ended up being absolutely beautiful. The couple of people I am friendly with weren't there, so that was kind of a bummer. The good news is that they had a trampoline... the 3 little kids had a BLAST.

3 nerdlies.

My dude gettin' some serious air.

The kids jumped for HOURS... pretty sure they'll sleep soundly tonight. =) I think I mentioned that we've been having crazy rain.... I mean weeks of it... flooding everywhere. Last night Rory had his final grief group for the school year and Reilly was at work, so Finn took the little ones to Harper's Ferry, just for fun. Do you remember this picture?

Right where he was laying is now under 12 feet of water. Can you believe that??? The river isn't supposed to crest until tomorrow night, but they're saying that it will be above these train tracks:

You could say that's going to cause a wee problem in Harper's Ferry... yikes! Guess I'd better hit it... soccer game at noon tomorrow in Purcellville. FYI... Reilly TOTALLY loved his first shift at VIP yesterday. I think he's going to do really well there. More good news? The manager Zane told him it will be easy for him to pick up extra shifts. He said that people are always wanting to leave early, come about 3:30, so Rei should make a habit of walking up there to see if he can relieve someone. Sweet! Hope you enjoy the weekend. Nite nite.

Ohhhhhh shit

2011-05-19T12:55:00.000-04:00

I don't even want to talk about the loan mod shit from my last post. Makes my tummy hurt just thinking about it. Ugh. Toni... is June really Gay Pride Month? I had no idea. I may not be gay, but I have no problem showing gay pride!!! I have always wanted to go to the Pride Parade in San Francisco... it looks like a fuckin' blast. I remember being home at my mom's a few years ago, and they were televising it. I don't wanna say that Virginia is conservative or anything.... but they'd NEVER show that on tv here!!!! Fuckin' stupid if you ask me. Fuck 'em in the neck... one day I'll be there cheering in PERSON!!! Sorry to hear that Cook needs surgery... eew... hope all goes well and that she's back in business asap. Give her a hug from me. :0)

Saw the counselor this morning. Damn... I SO lucked out with this woman... she is AMAZING. First of all, she's a social worker & I think they're a special breed. And her knowledge of the courses, the professors, etc., is mind boggling. Seriously... she was hand-picking courses for me based on who's teaching that particular section. I have such a good vibe with her that I totally trust her guidance. Well, except for the fact that she had me enroll in TWO 3 credit condensed courses this summer... whuaaaa????? What in the HELL makes her think I can do THAT??? Classes begin on June 28th and run through August 8th. Talk about wham-bam. I'll have psych on Mondays and Wednesdays from 9:30 am to noon, and English on Tuesdays and Thursdays from 6:30 -10 PM... eew! Good thing my mamasan will be here for a few weeks of that... like it or not, she'll be helping with the kiddos when I have morning classes. Sorry mama!!! Then when she goes home, it'll be Reilly's turn. Yep. This back-to-school shit is going to have to be a whole-family effort. We've got my fall & spring classes picked out too... it's gonna be wicked. Each semester, one of the classes will be a 1 credit course that I can take online... cool. But the OTHERS are the 2 BIG KAHUNA'S that I need to excel in to be accepted into the nursing program. They are each 4 credits and are science combo courses. They've rolled anatomy, physiology, micro-biology, etc., into these 2 UBER courses that you take in 2 semesters, instead of 5 or 6 science classes that would obviously take much longer. We're talkin' lots o' lecture & lots o' lab. Well, shit. How am I supposed to do that and find some sort of a job???? I have to start earning money... asap!

There's no pussing out now either... I paid a non-refundable deposit today and got my student ID card. I'm such an idiot!!! You know what else I found out though? Even if I had completed my bachelor's, I'd still have to take all of these same classes now. To even apply to nursing school, all of your pre-requisites must have been completed within the past 10 years. Oops... I missed that mark by a mile!!! That's good I guess... no need to feel like I'm wasting time. There wasn't even a passing thought of me doing this back in the 90's.

So that's the latest. Officially enrolled in school and mailed a bunch of outstanding bills today. Not bad.

:0)
S

:-/

2011-05-19T08:55:00.000-04:00

Hey scoobies... I only have a few minutes. I'm off to see my guidance counselor at NOVA. We'll see if there's any way in hell I can actually DO this RN thing in a reasonable amount of time, and without completely disrupting my family life and responsibilities. You could say I'm just a scoche nervous.

Added to my nervousness is a good dose of SEETHING RAGE. I was so proud of myself yesterday... I finally tackled a giant pile of scary mail and used some Craigslist funds to pay a bunch of bills that have been hanging over my head. I was feeling good... it felt like I was taking a wee bit of control. And then I opened yet another letter from Wells Fargo. Loan Modification Update: OFFICIALLY DENIED. And what do you think might be their reasoning? "Insufficient hardship to qualify for modification." Seriously????? Everything about my universe in the past 3 years has been nothing but hardship. Those fucking assholes. Do you realize the HELL they have put me through for the past 14 months as I tried to work this out??? The stress of this particular situation has pushed me to the brink on numerous occasions.

There was a number to call for clarification. Believe it or not, I called. Usually it would take me a couple weeks to muster the courage to do that. Yes, I have been denied... but the bozo that I talked to said I need to send in updated info... new hardship letter, proof of income, expenses, tax information.... on and on it goes. Gathering all of that shit the first time nearly killed me, and now I get to do it again??? And what does that mean??? Do I still have a chance??? AAAGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!

Something that would help me immediately would be a re-fi. Problem? I'm 60 days behind on my mortgage payments AND I have a 100k lien against the property because of that fucking loan that David took out. Even though I am not legally obligated to re-pay that loan, the bank says that since the borrower is dead, their agreement is with the property. WHAT???? How can you have a legally binding agreement with an inanimate object?

As far as I'm concerned, the suits that run these banks and make these decisions are CRIMINALS. They have NO INTEREST in helping me. They know that my house and property are incredibly valuable & highly desirable, and they'll make a mint when they take it from me and sell it. Scum sucking douchebags. I believe I posted on Facebook that they are the bacteria feeding on the maggots that are eating a pile of shit. Sounds about right.

Gotta go.
S

On The Road to My New Life

Post to the new site

TRY THIS PLEASE

WARNING: objects in mirror are even sadder than they appear

Anyone????

Wow....

And she's back!

Heading home today... :(

Didja miss me???

Hellooooooooo

Exhausted

SO EXCITING!!!!!

Mornin'

Still boiling my hooters off...

Ugh.

Yep.... I'm a fuckin' rockstar...

:0)

MY HERO!!!!!!

Where be you are????

O*U*C*H !!!!!!!!!

???

Pissed

WARNING: BITCH-FEST BELOW!!!

Friday.....

Ohhhhhh shit

:-/

OUC*H !!!!!!!!!