One breath at a time ........

A New Day ....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Fri, 03 Feb 2012 03:10:00 +0000

..... a new antibiotic, a new movie, and a new phone call from my Son.

One of my best friends and I went to see "The Iron Lady" today. Oh. My. Goodness.
Meryl was amazing.
A. Ma. Zing.

I've seen "The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" ..... hated it .... hated the horrid sexual violence of it, and yes, I read the book.
But the actress who played the lead did a great job.
So I think the Oscar will go to to one of them, though I think the scale is tipped more toward Meryl's side. She played Margaret Thatcher to a T.
Wow.

After the movie we both went to our doctor's office (same doctor). I had called this morning to tell them I need to be on an antibiotic like .... yesterday and she had blood work to check on. Both of our test results had just come in when we arrived. My doctor had been waiting for mine to see which antibiotic I needed.
She prescribed a couple of honking big meds.
I see her again on Tuesday.
We shall see.

Tonight I've had a fever (a small one .... only 100), which has been such fun.
But Vern came over and we read, ordered Chinese and then watched American Idol. This is the only part of that show that I watch ..... the auditions.
I find it fascinating that some people can sing so utterly horribly but don't know it. How does one not know that they can't carry a tune in a bucket?? I really don't get that.

Just as the last person came in to audition (she was great!) Son #2 called.
It was basically a really nice phone call.
He's very understanding about my stance and seems to have accepted it. He also asked me if I knew that he's always appreciated everything I've ever done for him.
I didn't think I heard him correctly so I asked him to repeat what he'd said. And he did.
I told him the truth .... that no, I hadn't always realized that. And he told me that he has. And he does.
Very much.
So I thanked him for that.
Our hearts connected on that phone call.

He said he should be home by next Wednesday or Thursday.
He asked how his girlfriend is doing and I told him that I think she's not very happy with me. I haven't heard back from her after I tried to explain to her why I made the decision I did. He told me not to worry, that she would understand, because she's always understood my side of our "issues". He told me how alike the two of us are, which I had already told him.
He said that maybe I should start thinking of her like a daughter-in-law .... to which I replied, "I already have". I reminded him that I like her very much and that I think she's very good for him. I also reminded him that she's graduating this year and wants to go to school and I hope that he didn't get in the way of that.
He agreed and said he wants her to pursue her dreams and go to college. And that he hoped to go with her.

I hope he does, too.
If he's ready for that.
And really wants it.

It was great to talk to him.

He's one of the strongest, smartest and hard-headed people I know.
He can do whatever he sets his mind to do.
Anything.
He just has to want it.

So hopefully the antibiotic will work (the med she gave me for the pain is working), the movie was good, and the phone call was good.
All in all ..... a good day.

Except for the phone call I received from my dad, saying that my brother had been taken from work to a hospital tonight ..... with weird heart-related symptoms.
I feel sorry for anyone and everyone who's related to me. I think I'm contagious.

But Dad called a little while ago and said that he's doing well right now. They're still waiting for a dr. to read all of the test results and see if he knows what happened, but hopefully it was just a weird blip in his evening.

So that was my day.
Better than yesterday.
And better than the day before.

Yay for better.

I have a request for those of you who pray.
Some of you follow MckMama's blog so you may know what's going on.
For those of you who don't know ..... this is the post she wrote yesterday (she's written 2 more since then):
http://mycharmingkids.net/2012/01/looking-up/

I'm asking for you, who've prayed so hard for me, to pray for her .... and her family.
My heart is breaking for her (and I didn't think it could possibly break any further). Please lift her up .... as well as her children ..... and her husband.
She needs them more than I do.

Thanks, Peeps.
Thanks for being here this week and for being such a big source of support. Thank you for your words of encouragement .... and for your prayers and thoughts.
I am blessed by you.

Happy Thursday.
:)

I'm Feeling ....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 22:37:00 +0000

.... better today.

I'm feel very calm about Son #2 and my decision. Of course, he's not here banging on the door or anything, so I'll enjoy this while it lasts.

I'm not as angry at God today, which is very annoying.
I wanted to stay pissed at Him for a much longer time.
I'm still angry, just not as much.
I still can't pray ..... still don't feel like it's worth the effort, so I'm not. I'm not going to fake it.
I'm sure that, too, will change.
Some day.

In brighter news .... ROFLMAO!!!!!
There is no "brighter" news ..... it's just in a different area of my life ..... which maybe could be brighter .....
My doctor's office called me yesterday morning to come in so they could get another urine sample. Something about maybe getting the wrong antibiotic.
I could either cry or laugh over that one. I chose to laugh. I think that's a sign of going insane.
I told them that ironically, I was going to call them about coming in that same day because I don't believe my infection is gone.
So I went in.
They have to send it out to a different lab because they want some big culture test done. But .... they figured out it was the right antibiotic ..... just evidently not the one to kick this sucker out. And I finished it 3 days ago.

So I bought an at home test, thinking that if I still have an infection, I need to be put back on an antibiotic before this culture comes back (which MAY be tomorrow).
It was positive. So I called the office this morning and told the nurse that. And asked if it would be a good decision to put me on meds today. She had to ask the dr, who was with a patient, but she'd call me right back.
Again .... ROFLMAO!!!
I really need to learn what the medical definition of "right back" is ..... because it's nothing like the regular American definition.
I had to leave to go have lunch with friends after a couple of hours. I almost didn't go, but I'm glad I did. It was great. Even with pain shooting through my body. It was very good for me.

When I got home I had a message from the nurse to call her back so she could tell me what the dr. said.
That was at 1:40.
I called, at around 2:30.
Their office closes at noon on Wednesdays ..... although she made the call after that.
But no one picks up the phone when you call after noon.
Ever.

So I'm dealing with the pain from this (which I've mostly had since Jan 1st), which is getting worse and worse.
And won't be able to start treating it until at least tomorrow.

I'd scream at someone, but I really don't have it in me.

Thanks again for the support, Peeps.
You make me smile.
:)

It Is Over ....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Wed, 01 Feb 2012 00:28:00 +0000

.... and I am done.

Please, please God, help me be done.

I spoke with my Son a little while ago.
He was a different person today.
The C.O said I could try one more time but that he was already in the pipeline to be sent back. He said if I could change his mind they'd let him stay.

My Son was very, very calm. Very, very matter of fact. There will be no changing of his mind. He doesn't want it .... doesn't want to be a Marine.
He said that he understands that he won't be living at home, and that's ok.
He understands that I love him and that I am doing what I think I need to do because of that love.
He doesn't agree, but then, we've never really agreed on a whole lot of things over the years.

I am sad for him. He is one of the strongest people I know. I still think he could've done it. He now says he never wanted it. Well, he wanted it at one point in time, but that changed before he even left, or so he says.
He's done.

He says he'll be leaving in about 2 weeks.
That's all I know, as of now.

Just to be clear .... I write this as a chronicle of sorts. I write sometimes .... most times .... to let other widowed people know that, while this way of life sucks and is not what we planned, we can survive.

I do not write this to ask for advice or anyone's opinion.
Not at all.
While I appreciate the huge amount of support, and I appreciate people who say they agree with me (because who doesn't like to be agreed with?), I have not, nor will not, ask you to tell what you think I should do.
I do not need to hear that you don't agree with how I am parenting MY child. That's uncalled for.
I know that plenty of people are going to disagree with what I'm doing. Not many parents believe in, or have the stomach for, tough love.
This is what Jim would've chosen.

For those of you who think I'm making a mistake, I ask you to keep that to yourselves. It does not help and does nothing but harm.
And .... I ask you to remember .... that this 19 1/2 year old person is MY son. And only mine. I have raised him. I know what we have gone through for 17 years or so. I know how he ticks and I know exactly what will happen if he comes home.
I'm sorry if you can't understand a mother doing something like this out of love, but it's only out of love. I don't expect anyone else to understand. That's not my job, to convince others that I'm doing the right thing.
I know, and I alone know, what is the right thing for this child. You cannot possibly know all that we have gone through and what would be the best thing for him. You evidently cannot know that sometimes we come to the point when it's time for a person to stand on his own two feet ..... to face the reality of life and what it means to be an adult.
And that, in my book, is not living at home playing video games all day and hanging out with your friends.
I refuse to give him the ability to do that ..... to remain stunted and dependent.

I didn't owe you any of that, but I gave it anyway. To maybe help you understand .... at least a little. It probably won't work, but that's not my concern. My children are my concern. And I will fight to the death to love them the best way they each need to be loved.
Even if it tears my heart out.
Because my heart is not what's important here. This child/man is what's important. And his future and his ability to be a man, even if it occurs with force. God gave me this child for a short while. He's not mine, he's God's. And one day, I will have to answer to God on how I raised His child for Him. And I want to be able to say, "The best way I could." Those ways weren't always THE best, but they were my best.

I appreciate the spirit in which all the comments were made. I realize that you were only trying to help. Just please try to understand that some of them did not help. At all.

So I am done.
And I'm going to admit something here .... I am struggling. My faith has been shaken to the core, too many times. I am at a point where I'm not sure I can keep trusting a God, in whom I continue to turn to with hope .... over and over and over again, only to find myself flat on my face with a big fat "No".

I have much to be thankful for. Things could be so much worse. I get that.
But I am only human. And I am weak.
And I can only take so much.
I'm tired of taking it.
I'm tired of it "ALWAYS being something". Every damn week. At least one thing, sometimes, as in last week, more.
I have begged God over and over and over for things, for situations to go well, only to be given the no.
I have spent more time over the past 17 years on my knees, and laid out on the ground, face down, sobbing and praying for this child and praying for God to give him a break .... more time and more tears than anyone will ever know.
I thought that this was finally the time God would show my Son how worthwhile he is. That He would give him pride, rather than self-loathing. To succeed rather than fail. To see answered prayer .... in a good way. To learn to trust in God, rather than doubt His caring and love, let alone His very existence.
I guess I was wrong. This Son did turn to God during this.
And once again God seemed to turn a deaf ear.
How do I keep telling this Son, as well as some of my other spiritually hurting children, that God is love? God only wants the best for us? God cares?
When God has shown, at least to us, that He cares very little?

I keep hoping for a break. I have asked, and begged Him for just a short time of peace. Even if it's only one week.
One week where nothing goes wrong. There are no health issues. There are no problems with any of my children. No problem with the house or the cars. Just a short time where I can rest. A time of peace and quiet. A time to let my body catch up with itself. A time of pure peace for my soul, my mind and my spirit.
Just a time.
But that seems to always have been asking too much.

I cannot keep hoping.
And right now, I cannot trust Him.

Yes, I have been blessed.
But I am human.
And I am weak.

A person can only take so much.
And I am tired.

I no longer have words to pray.
If you'd like, you can pray for me.
But I've got to believe that you're all pretty tired of all of this, too.

This is ironic since I'm scheduled to give a presentation at Camp Widow in April. A presentation about living with grief and your faith. And how to keep your faith through the death of your spouse.
Oh, I managed to keep it during the grieving period .... the hard grieving period.

But I'm not sure I can hang on to it any longer.
My fingernails are starting to lose their slight grasp.

How will I be able to give a presentation about something I may not be able to do any longer?

Again, no advice asked for here. I have no room for it. I'm full up.
And I'm exhausted.
And very, very weak.

Too weak at the moment.
I am done.

How Do You Stay Strong ....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Tue, 31 Jan 2012 05:29:00 +0000

.... when your heart is being ripped out of your chest?

I did not get the call I wanted to get tonight.
I did not get the call I hoped to get.
I did not hear from an officer.
I heard from my Son.

He told me that he is, after all of this, being sent home.
And he begged.
And he cried.
And I cried.
For at least 20 minutes .... until they made him hang up.

I did not cave.
But I am not sure that I can keep this up.
He broke my heart.
And I broke his.
I told him that I love him .... more than he'll ever know.
I told him that I know that he thinks I am a heartless bitch of a mother.
But that I'm doing this out of love.
And one day, please God .... one day .... he'll understand.

I'm not sure how much of this I can take.
He says that it'll probably be a week or so before he leaves there.
And that he can call me every day.
I can NOT go through this every day.
I can NOT do this and come out sane at the end of a week.
I don't even know that I have any sanity left at this point.

Tonight my heart is torn, yet again, and I'm feeling ..... pissed.
Really, really pissed.
At Jim.
For dying and leaving me with all of this crap.
(I really wanted to say shit, but I think that's the farthest I've gone here. But really .... what the hell?)
I am pissed at Jim for dying and leaving me with all of this shit.
Four years of it.

Yes, I know that doesn't make sense.
Yes, I know that he didn't choose to die.
Yes, I know that he would not have died during that surgery if it were up to him.
It was not his choice.
Or mine.
But then .... no one asked either of us for permission.
No heads up.
No warning.
Never saw it coming.
And that sucks.

But it still pisses me off .... tonight.

I really don't know what's going on out there.
No officer, or any "real" adult .... ever talked to me today.
Nor do I know that they will.
He is, after all, an "adult".
But I hoped that since they called me so that I could help them .... they'd keep me informed.
It seems that they won't.

That's all.
That's all I have .... and all I have left.
I can't believe that I spent 20 minutes telling my child, my child who is hurting and feeling lost, that he cannot come home.
Over and over and over.
While we broke each other's heart.
Over and over.

I don't know how much more I can take.

I need an F'ing break.

If you're disappointed in me for writing "shit", be proud of me for not writing ....
well .... you know.
It took the last ounce of strength that I have.

Goodnight, Peeps.
And, as always, thank you .... more than you know .... for the comments and the prayers.
They are needed more than ever.

P.S. Thank you, W, for your comment. And you are totally right .... the people who tell you that "God never gives you more than you can bear" .... have never faced anything nearly as painful and as difficult as the person they're to whom they're saying that.

Silently Screaming ....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Mon, 30 Jan 2012 03:54:00 +0000

picture from here

.... is what I feel like I've been doing for that last four years.
Mostly screaming.
Mostly silently.

I am tired.

Yes, I've written that before. If you've been here from the beginning you've probably read it many times. Many, many times.
I am beyond tired.

I have a killer of a headache. I've had it for two days.
There are times in your life (if there haven't been ... you are very blessed) when you wish such things would be terminal. And swift.
A good embolism in the brain would be nice.

Times.
Not all times.
Some times.
This is one of those times.

This has been .... a week.
I am sick to death of these kind of weeks.
When has there not been "a week"? ..... in the last 4 years?

I heard someone tell another person last week, "God doesn't give you more than you can bear."
Fortunately God was able to help me clamp my mouth shut, and bite my tongue.
Because I wanted to turn around and tell this stranger, "Bullshit!" Because that's what that often misused quote is: Bullshit.
God doesn't say that.
Not anywhere in the Bible. And if you think otherwise .... go read it again.

I have been give WAY more than I can bear.
For the last 4 years.
And I have asked many, many times ...."How much can one person take?" Really. How much can one person endure?
Patiently endure?

Sometimes more than you'd think.
Sometimes less.

I have heard many times in the last few days ...... words about how strong I am. What a strong mother I am. A strong person.
While I appreciate the thought and the intent behind those words (I truly do) ..... I do not feel strong. And I am beyond fed up of being strong.
Of having to be strong.
I wish God would go pick on someone else.
For a week.
I need a break.

But I've needed a break for over 4 years now ..... and He hasn't seen fit to allow that.
So ..... I move forward. As much as I can.
Which sometimes .... isn't very much.

And I end up telling one child that this home, my home, is no longer his home.
And I end up hearing ugly words from an another, angry child.
I'd like to throw in the towel.
But I don't know where to throw it.

I was discussing parenting today with a friend.
I told her, "When someone hands you a child to take home, whether you've given birth physically, or given birth through your heart by adopting, SOMEone should tell you, "While this will one of the most amazing things in your life, it will also suck. A lot. Be prepared."
Because really ..... it does suck. A lot.
And NO ONE tells you that. No one tells you how many times your heart will break. No one tells you how many times you will hear words that you'd never thought you'd hear from someone you've given so much for. No one tells you how many tears you will shed ..... because you are a mom.
They tell you how tired you'll be, and how much sleep you'll miss ..... but they don't tell you that you will continue to miss sleep ..... for the next 20-plus years.

I am not strong.
I just don't now what else to do.
I am winging this.
By myself.

And I mostly don't like it.
I never planned for this.
I never thought this would be my life.
I never expected Jim to die ..... before I did.
Before we had great-grandchildren.
Before we had "made it" past child-rearing.
Before ..... everything.

But he did.
And here I am.

If it weren't for Vern ..... I would not be here.
He has my back .... as much as he can.
It's not the same .... it can't be the same.
But it's something.

And yet still .... I am silently screaming.
Because screaming in public isn't really acceptable.
And no one wants to hear it.
They may say they do .... but deep down, they really don't.
And who could blame them?

I am no stinger than anyone else you know.
I am weak.
I cry a lot.
I hate being an only parent.
And there have been many times, more than I can count, when I've wanted to quit.
Everything.
I haven't quit ..... yet.
But I have spent a lot of time ..... more time than most people know ....
silently screaming.

The Phone Call ....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 21:30:00 +0000

.... did not come last night. It did not come this morning. At 12:30 p.m. I called his CO. And left a voice message. And then my cell rang.
It was the officer who's under the CO. He had Son #2 outside his office. He spoke briefly, making sure I knew what was going on and then asked if I would talk to him. He said that many times moms can get through to their sons when no one else can. I said I hoped so, but that I wasn't going to be nice. He chuckled and said, "Nice doesn't work here. We don't do nice." I said good and he called Son #2 in and put me on speaker.
Here's pretty much the conversation:

S: Hi, Mom.
M: Hi, Son #2. What's going on?
S: (very matter of factly) I chose to disobey a command so they moved me to ______ Company and are sending me home.
M: They're not sending you home.
S: (sounding stunned)What?! That's what they told me yesterday.
M: They are not, and will not, send you home. You're not in a club you can just quit. It's the U. S. Govt. You signed a pledge, to your COUNTRY! They'll just keep putting you back to the beginning of Boot Camp. But, if you somehow manage to get on a plane, you can't come here. This will not be your home. No car, no computer, no phone nothing. I'm done. You'll have a dishonorable discharge for the rest of your life. It will humliate you forever and you'll never able to get a good job.

I went on to read him what his girlfriend wrote on my FB(thank you, S) and how upset she was and everyone was. He has over a thousand people praying for him and everyone knows he CAN'T quit. That would be the worst thing he could do. I told him I love him, though he might not think so, but one day he'll get it. I told him it's time to be a man and make his dad, and his Marine grandfather proud. He has no choice - only the choice on how he does it and how long it takes him.
Then I asked him if he was going to do it. He wouldn't talk. The officer commanded him to talk to me and he said, "I guess I don't have a choice." I could barely hear him but I agreed that he did not, other than how he does it.

I said a few more of the same things (like thanks for the $1,000 loss,& I hope he doesn't keep doing this and going back to week 1 or he could be there for 12 months! I
only softened my tone at the end (it was nowhere near soft before that ... I know that stuns most of you) when I told him I look forward to seeing him later in April (& not 6 months later when he finally pulls his crap together).
He said ok. I said I loved him and I hope he does his best. He may have muttered "I love you, too.", but I think it was just another "ok".

The CO ordered him back out in the hall and then thanked me. I said I hoped it works. He then
said Son #2 looked pretty crushed when I told him he would not be coming home and playing video games, which is good. Crushed is very good at this point.
I think he was mostly surprised that they won't let him just quit ... & that I won't let him come here.

There's a slight chance he'll be able to stay in his company, but only slight, and he doesn't know that. I should find out late Monday what they decide.

So that's all for now. Vern (yes, that's his name .... he hates "V" because I already have a V & he thinks it's confusing) has been a rock. Through this and every other crappy thing that's gone on around here the last few months. I don't know where I'd be right now if it weren't for him. I keep telling him he should run away. He keeps refusing.
:) I love him.

Thanks for your prayers and comments. PLEASE keep them coming. I/we need them.
And please excuse any typos ... this is from my cell. Ugh.

Please, Please Pray .....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Sat, 28 Jan 2012 03:04:00 +0000

.... for Son #2.
He is trying his best at the moment to get sent home from Boot Camp. I received a letter from him yesterday that was full of depression and fear and homesickness. I expected that. It didn't make it easier to read, but I knew to expect it.

Tonight I received a phone message from him, stating that he had been removed from his company and was being sent home. I was just finishing dinner in a restaurant with V when I checked my messages. I couldn't believe what I was hearing and could only listen to it over and over again to see if I was hearing him correctly. And I could only cry as I listened to it over and over again. I don't think I've ever felt such disappointment in my life.
His Commanding Officer called while I was out and left a message with Son #3 .... he needed to talk to me.

I called him back as soon as I got home and he asked if I'd talked to Son #2. I told him that I had received a message and what he had said.
I told him and he said that no, he was not being sent home .... yet. He was indeed trying to, but it wasn't that easy. He had gotten himself kicked out of his company and placed in another one. One that is on week one now, rather than week three. Of course I made reservations last night at a hotel for the week he was supposed to graduate. A nonrefundable $1,000 dollar reservation for 3 rooms for 3 nights.
Of course.

But money aside .... because it's not what's important here .... he cannot quit.
And the CO is going to call me later tonight, or first thing in the morning, when he has Son #2 in his office and can hand the phone over to me. He wants me to talk to him and to try to convince him of something the CO hasn't been able to ..... he can't quit.
I need to have the strength to tell him that quitting is not an option. That if he quits, he can't come home. He will not be able to live here, he won't be able to get anything back .... like his car, computer, phone. Nothing.
I need to convince him that this, the Marines, is his only choice. His only chance to make something of his life. It's time to grow up and be a man.

And I have to be prepared to back that up. And to take the reaction from him, which will be awful. I know. I've been there before.

I can take it. I'll be OK. But he needs your prayers. He needs to realize that this is his chance to turn his life around .... and to really become a man.
An independent, successful man.

Please pray.
I cannot do this alone.
I need to know that others are out there .... lifting him up.
Please.

Thanks, Peeps.
Very much.

It's Been an Eventful Week ....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Wed, 25 Jan 2012 05:51:00 +0000

UPDATE: Called and got the biopsy result .... Normal.
:)

.... since I last posted.
Sorry it's been so long, I tried to stay away from the blog so that I wouldn't be tempted to post that V and I were heading to Las Vegas last weekend.

Because .... well, you know how nuts some people can get.
Vegas=wedding

Not mine.
No way.
No how.

Not that I don't love him and not that we don't talk about getting married.
Because we do.
But not for a while.
And definitely NOT in Vegas.
That is just so ...... not me.

Not that I judge anyone else for choosing that avenue for starting one's road of wedded bliss ..... because I don't.
I know of two couples who got married there.
Neither of those couples are married today.
At least, not to each other.

And I'm not saying that they're not married now because they married in Vegas.
I'm just saying ..... it's SO not me.

But it was certainly fun to mess with people.
Because only a handful of people knew.
Until we got on the plane Friday morning and I posted my status on Facebook as "heading to Vegas!.

And then on Saturday night we went to a show that was set around a wedding.
So I posted that I was going to a wedding.
And my, oh my, how tongues did wag.
Or rather, how fingers did type!

Most people who know me .... know that I wouldn't do that.
Most people, who gave it even a nano second of thought, would have known that if a person was going to elope .... that usually means they are getting married on the sly. That they don't want people to know. So why in the world would that person post on Facebook so that everyone would then know?!! Not a very good secret-keeper, if you ask me.

So, we had a blast.
I'd never been to Vegas.

I mean, I've visited family in Vegas so I've been there. But I'd never BEEN there.
Son #3 told me a few weeks ago that he would be out of town for a soccer tournament on this weekend.
And V happens to have a family member who works for an airline and so can fly standby .... without a lot of planning ahead of time.
Which is nice.

So we decided to take advantage of a free weekend and actually go somewhere. A quick trip, but a fun trip. And Vegas seemed to fit the bill.
Three days.
And trust me, three days are plenty.
Four? One too much.

We had a wonderful dinner on Friday night at the top of one of the resorts (in the Eiffel Tower in the Paris hotel/casino/resort). Our table was against a window, which overlooked the Bellagio resort, which has beautiful, colored fountains that are set to music and seem to dance every 20 minutes or so. Our table was right across from those fountains.
It was amazing.

Saturday we went to the wedding/show.
It was fun.

Sunday we took a helicopter ride over, and down into, the Grand Canyon. Neither of us had ever been on a helicopter. I can't believe we did it. And we never gave it a moment's hesitation. It was breathtaking.
We landed in the bottom and had a champagne lunch and just took in the view.
I wonder how anyone can go to the Grand Canyon and not believe in an awesome God/Creator? That's all I could think .... what an amazing job God did when He most definitely created that place.
It was stunning.

We came home yesterday.
Tired, but happy.
Well, I don't think V was 100% happy. He wasn't feeling well yesterday and seems to have gotten worse. We didn't even talk on the phone today and it's been ages since we've missed a day of talking. He left work early. I told him to get some soup and go to bed.
I think he was asleep before 9:00.

But other than that, we had a great time.
And now I've BEEN to Vegas.
Check that one off.
Actually, it was never on a list to be checked off.
But I've checked it off anyway.

In other news ..... or rather, in other non-news ..... I've heard nothing about the biopsy. If I haven't heard from them by lunchtime tomorrow, I'm going to call them.
I get to go see my ENT tomorrow.
I think the dry Vegas air was less than kind to my sinuses. They feel a bit "off". No, I can't explain it any better than that.
I was hoping that tomorrow would be my last visit with him, but I'm starting to have my doubts. My nose feels sore .... more so than it's felt in a while.
Maybe it's just a reaction to the drier atmosphere.
I'm going with that.

I think that's all the news that's fit to print.
1. We had a free weekend.
2. We went to Vegas.
3. We refrained from visiting the drive-thru window at Elvis' Wedding Chapel (Yes, seriously. How bad can it be if you can't even work up the effort to walk into the chapel to get married?!).
4. We are not married. At least .... not to each other.
5. What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas.
6. I wish I had something exciting enough to "stay" in Vegas.
7. No word on the biopsy.
8. Looking forward to having a very long rod stuck up my nose and into my brain tomorrow.

There you go.
I'll try to remember to upload some pictures of our wild weekend and post them.
At least the ones that are "postable".
Ha!!
As if.

Oh .... I almost forgot ..... I'm so used to unusual events happening everywhere I go that I don't always remember to mention them ..... but on Saturday we experienced a sandstorm.
Really.
Not as sandy as the one in the new Mission Impossible, but a sand storm, none the less.
My first one.
I think high (unusually high) winds follow me around.
Need some wind?
Invite me over.

Take it easy, Peeps and Happy Tuesday/Wednesday.
:)

I Have Learned Something ....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Thu, 19 Jan 2012 02:45:00 +0000

.... from Son #3.
He's very passionate.
He's very well-read on the subject. So much so that I am very proud of him and the importance he's giving this.
Here is the last thing that he showed me ..... that tipped the scales for me. Didn't just tip them, but sank them all the way down ..... to agree with Son #3, and support this man.

Happy Wednesday, Peeps.

A Medically Interesting ......

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Wed, 18 Jan 2012 06:45:00 +0000

.... day.

So my first appointment was with my regular md. She got the results from the blood work I had done a couple of weeks ago. Cholesterol looks better (yay, Crestor). B-12 levels are dropping so I may have to go back to the injections.
My red blood cell count is dropping at a rapid rate, so it's time to quadruple up on the iron and hope that the specialist can come up with a helpful suggestion as to why I'm losing so much blood, which exhausts me, and fix it.
The big surprise was that I asked the lab girl if she'd run a test on a urine sample for me, since I'd just been diagnosed with a UTI, but had finished the antibiotic. I told her I'd feel better if they made sure it was gone.
They made sure all right. And it's very, very far from gone.
I had no idea. No pain. No indication that things were "off".
My dr. took one look at the urninalysis results and almost had a cow. Literally.
She asked if I'd had a bladder infection. I told her that I had ben diagnosed with a UTI on Jan 1st, but took all of the medication and felt better. She said it had moved beyond a UTI and was now a kidney infection. Evidently the sample I gave them was full of bacteria, blood ..... and that gross word that rhymes with "us", but starts with a "p". Gag. She was stunned that I was able to walk around. I did realize that I had started having a dull ache in my back that morning ..... I just didn't pay any attention to it.
So I'm now on a new antibiotic that will hopefully do a much better job than the previous one.
She tweaked a couple of other meds and then I was off to see Dr. #2.
He decided that he needed to do a biopsy on what looks to be a "polyp", or something akin to that, I asked if it would hurt and he looked up at me very sadly and said "yes". I just said, "Great." I'm glad that I didn't know I'd be having that done before I got there.
Because he was right, indeed. It hurt like an s.o.b. and that's the absolute nicest way I can put it,
Took me off a med and added another one .... for 2 months. Then I go back in for more blood work to see if anything has changed .... and another ultra sound. Woo Hoo!
OK ..... time for a nap. I seem to be exhausted.

Happy Wednesday, Peeps.
:)

In Spite of .....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Tue, 17 Jan 2012 05:13:00 +0000

.... medical drama, life is pretty great.

Tomorrow is the day I go see my dr, pump her for as much info as I can, and then go see the "specialist" to find out what's going on. I really have no earthly idea. And actually ..... surprisingly ..... for it being almost 10:30 p.m. the night before these appointments, I feel pretty calm.
It must be all of your prayers.
Thanks, Peeps. :)

I went to see the ENT today, but I didn't see him. Instead I sat in the waiting room for almost an hour and then rescheduled because I had another appointment. This would have been hugely frustrating, had I not had a new book to start .... "Unbroken". I started it once I got to his office and can already tell that it's going to be very difficult to put down.
I finished all of the "Hunger Games" books last week.
Wow. Intense.
And in my opinion ..... WAY too intense for the target audience ..... 10 - 14 year olds.
Way.
But good.

The other appointment I had today was another counseling appointment with V.
I know I haven't written much about him, or about us, but I thought I'd let you know that things are good.
Actually, things are beyond good. They are great. The counseling sessions have been really good and she has been very pleased with how well things are going and how much better we're communicating.

We've learned a lot about each other. He's learned that I am nothing like his former relationship and that he can't just automatically react to me the way he learned to react to her.
I've learned to trust him and and believe he won't do that again (it has taken a while) .... and to not assume how he's feeling about something, but to ask.
I'm not so great at verbal communication, as I've confessed many times before, but I'm learning.

So that's all I'm going to say about that ..... except that we love each other very much, are very, very happy, and our taking our slow, sweet time getting to really learn all about each other.
I haven't been this happy and content since Jim died.
And I think that is huge.
:)

In other news .... Oliver is still having problems and no one is sure what's going on. It seems that he has a very small bladder (of course he does, he's my cat). When he last went in for a re-check he still had a lot of blood in his urine (not that we had noticed) but nothing showed up in the culture. So they said to wait another week or so, keep him on the antibiotics and then bring him in for another culture. Well, Son #3 took him in this afternoon and it seems that they couldn't collect enough urine to get a good reading. Don't ask ..... all I know is that they know where and how to press a cat and make it pee. Or they do it the old fashioned, painful way ...... but they take them "in the back" for that.
They told Son #3 to leave him there, call at 6:00 to see if they'd managed to get more, and if not, they'd keep him overnight (at no charge!). When I called they put the vet on the phone and she said, "He has an extremely small bladder!" I replied, "So I've been told."
I guess he wasn't giving it up for them so she asked if he could stay the night.
I'm sure he's beyond thrilled to be having a sleepover at the vet's office.
Maybe next time he'll pee.

Anyway, I'm hoping they'll find no blood this time ..... or at least an answer that's easy to fix. Knowing that this is MY cat, all of that is doubtful. Poor guy. If he'd only known he was being adopted by a medically jinxed woman he might have run away before I got there.

I've had no more word from Son #2 ..... or from any Marine anywhere. They're supposed to have given us an address so that we can send letters at the end of the first week. Whatever.
Hopefully I'll get that info this week.
I've been getting a lot of helpful information on a parents' website. And some disturbing information.
Like, don't buy plane tickets until week 10 or 11 (out of 13--THIRTEEN!!) because you just won't know for certain until then.
Holy cow!!!
I have SIX stinking tickets to buy, plus another roundtrip ticket for him ..... and I should wait until 2 weeks before the trip?!!!! I don't even think they care that that totally sucks.
Not one iota.
If I make it to that base the first week in April I'm going to need a lot of prayers to keep my mouth shut. Really, really shut tight.
Ya'll know that's true so I'll be expecting a lot of prayers.
Kind of like .... for a miracle.

The house has been a bit different with just Son #3 and me. There aren't teenagers running in and out through all hours of the night.
Or sons up cooking in the middle of the night.
It hasn't been as bad as I thought it would be, though I do miss Son #2 something fierce. But I'm so focused on his success there ..... and the difference this will make in his life, if he lets it ..... that I can't be sad. I'm more excited for him ..... and a little anxious about all he has to go through before it's over .... but I know, with every fiber of my being, that he can do this. This is what I knew he'd be doing when he was only 3. He will be amazing at this. He can be amazing at this. If he chooses. And I pray that he's choosing it.

OK, that's it for now. Nothing too exciting. Other than the usual medical crap ..... but you're probably getting as used to that as I am so it's getting quite boring. Hopefully God won't see that sentence as a challenge to "up the ante" ..... so to speak.

I hope you all have a good week.
And a less eventful one than mine.
Or at least a less eventful Tuesday.
Thank you for your prayers.
Prayers for peace .... and for whatever this is to be "no big deal" would be great.
I've had enough "big deals" to last a lifetime.
Of course, that's just my opinion and I don't seem to be the one in charge, so there you go ......
But we can always pray!

Happy Monday/Tuesday, Peeps.
I'll keep you posted.
Hopefully about no big deal.
:)

Finally ....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Thu, 12 Jan 2012 19:34:00 +0000

.... he made the call!!! I was just getting ready to leave for my weekly Bible study with a great group of teenagers, when the phone rang. The caller I.D. read "US Navy ASW". I thought that was rather strange and figured it was a recruiter for Son #3, since it's about that time when they start inundating homes with recruiting calls.

It stopped ringing and within 5 seconds my cell started ringing and so I wondered .... for just a sec, grabbed it, saw that it read "San Diego" and answered it. And gave him the cheeriest "Hello" I've ever given him in my life. It may have stunned him for a moment.
He said something like "Hello, this is Cadet Eggers, I made it safely to Boot Camp" ..... yada yada yada. He was very calm and monotoned. Wherever he was, it was very quiet, no screaming, no yelling.

I knew he had less than 30 seconds to read everything to me, so when I sensed he was only a couple of lines from hanging up, I threw in an "I LOVE YOU!!". And I have NO doubt that I stunned him. Because he stopped, stumbled for about two words (while I thought, "OMG! I just ruined his life, they're going to kick him out because he messed up the scripted call!! What kind of mother am I??!!!"). But he quickly recovered, said something like "the next time you'll hear from me will be by a form letter in 1 to 2 weeks. Good bye." click.

I was smiling as I danced out the door. :)

In other news ..... about 2 months ago my dr. ordered me to get an ultrasound. It was a rather invasive ultrasound and that's all I'm going to say about that.
The results showed that things didn't look "normal". OF COURSE NOT!!! The radiologist saw something that he said he shouldn't have seen. The report wasn't very clear, but mentioned a couple of things and said I should wait a month and then repeat the ultrasound.
I.
Was.
Thrilled.

So I had a second one a couple of weeks ago.
Yesterday (yes, over TWO weeks later), my dr.'s receptionist called and said that the report came back and my dr. wants me to make an appointment with a specialist.
Of course I didn't take that with my usual calm and unfazed demeanor, but I still did well. I asked her why.
She stammered a bit and just said, "because Dr. X (not her real initial, in case you thought that was really cool) said you need to see one."
I still stayed mostly calm and asked, "What does the report say?" Let me add here, that when the first report came (I had to call them THREE weeks later to get it!), she looked over it and told me what it said.
This time, however, she said, "I don't have that information." And then she asked me which dr. I wanted them to fax it to.
My calmness was draining out of my body. "What do you mean you don't have that information? You have the report, you've read me a report before, why can't you give me an overview?" She kept stumbling and just said I can't, it has to be one of the doctors or nurses. So I asked, "So is there ANYONE there who can tell me what it says?", to which she replied, "No. They've all left for the day because we close early on Wednesdays (and they do .... at noon.). But then she said, "But the doctor you go see will go over it with you." I had no calm left. "Who knows when I'll be able be seen by him?! And I'll just have to wait, knowing nothing?!".
She said, "Well, I'm going to fax it over right now and you should call them in about 20 minutes to make an appointment and then someone there should be able to go over it with you."
Thanks.

I waited an hour. And called to make my appointment and tell them they had been faxed an ultrasound report from my dr. She gave me an appointment for next Thursday. It usually takes about 2 months to get in to this guy. Then I asked if there was anyone there who could go over the report with me because I had no idea what's going on. She said yes, my doctor's (I've seen him several times in the past) nurse could do that, so she transferred me to said nurse.
Said nurse said she was in a separate office so didn't have the report, but would have them fax it to her and then she'd call me back shortly.

And she did. In about 30 minutes.
And gave me nothing.
She said that my MD's office had faxed over all of my records (give me a break .... that would've taken 2 whole days!) and that the report was in that.
I didn't see what difference that made and asked if she couldn't just pull the report and tell me what it said?
She said no, but that Dr. Z (also not his real initial) would go over it with me when I go in for my appointment.
And I lost it.
And started crying as I told her that appointment was over a week away and am I just supposed to freak out over this for over a week because no one will tell me ANYTHING?!!
She quickly said, "Well, let's move your appointment up." And she did.
To Tuesday afternoon.
And that was that.

Although later that afternoon the original receptionist called and told me that she knew I was really stressed about the report, that she had thought everyone had left but that one of my doctor's had still be in her office, so she asked her about it.
And this is what she said, "The second ultrasound showed that nothing has changed. So she needs to see somebody."

So, even though I really don't have much information to go on ..... because I don't know what they actually saw, have just heard a couple of words tossed out ..... and am not even sure they know what they actually saw ..... that still made me feel better. Because the whole "I can't give you any information thing" only leads to very, very bad places in a person's head.

And, thankfully, I also have an appointment with my regular dr. on Tuesday ..... in the morning, a few hours before the over appointment.. And since she's not only my dr. but also a friend, she's going to tell me everything she knows, suspects ..... and thinks the other dr. might do as a "next step" so that I'm not totally in the dark when I walk into his office.
Or someone in that office will definitely be going postal.
Word up.

I'm feeling better today but yesterday, I have to admit ..... I was pissed at God. With a capital P.
Why does it have to continue to be one freaking thing after another? For 4 years and almost 1 month, that's exactly what it's been. Constantly.
And I'm tired.
I'd like to just be able to sit back, be bored, enjoy my life, my children, my family, my love ..... without having something lurking over me in the background. We seem to get past one thing ...... and BAM! "Here, Janine ..... I, you know, God, am starting to get a bit bored so here's the next thing I'm going toss at you ..... just to screw with you ..... make you miserable, or stressed ..... or whatever. Best of luck."

Ummmmm ..... it would appear that I might still be a bit pissed.
And I know that He's OK with that ..... my pissiness and anger.
Even if I'm not OK with Him.
He's even OK with that.

Which is a good thing .... because I don't think that's going to change for a few days.

So, I'm asking for prayers again.
For Son #2's safety, protection and success at Boot Camp.
And for my peace about this next medical item.

And, to end on a happy note ..... praise for hearing Son #2's voice last night ..... and hearing it sound calm and strong.

Thanks, Peeps.
Happy Friday.
:)

Strike One ....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Tue, 10 Jan 2012 21:49:00 +0000

.... for the U.S. Marine Corps.

Son #2 did not make his scripted phone call last night.
Even though I slept with two phones. And keep waking up and looking at the clock.
I even got up at 5:00 a.m. to check the message machine to see if there was any way I'd slept through it.
Nope.

But .... this morning I visited a Marine Parent's website (thanks to a good friend) and found that not receiving that phone call is not all that unusual. In fact, there were quite a few parents who wished they hadn't received that call. They could barely hear their son because of all of the yelling and screaming in the background .... and their sons were so nervous/scared/anxious/whatever that they didn't sound like themselves. Some sons were so nervous they couldn't remember their phone numbers.
So maybe it was a blessing in disguise.
But I'm still leaving them with one strike.
Cuz that's just how I roll.
Don't cross me .... especially when it comes to one of my children.

So, I played tennis today.
Then I went to a new tennis fitness class.
I'm way too old for this stuff.
Half way through the class I got hit smack in my mouth/nose with a medicine ball. Ever held one of those suckers? To say that they are heavy is an understatement. I was taking the class with 3 of my teammates. They all took in huge gasps of air, especially the one who threw it. Because they all knew that my nose is still healing (only 10% more to go ..... well, at least it had only 10% before this afternoon). The fitness instructor had no idea .... and I didn't' tell him. Hate to look like a wimp. But I did see lots of stars for a while and had to take a time out and "walk it off", all the time hoping that blood wasn't going to start pouring out of my nose.
Fortunately my mouth took most of the force of the ball.
It just hit one side of my nose.
And now I have a headache.
And an ache in my sinus cavity on that side.
Thus .... an ice pack on my face.
Woo hoo.

If you take in the fact that I won't be able to get out of bed tomorrow because I'll be too sore to move, it was an interesting experience. :)

Son #1 goes back to school tomorrow.
I'll miss him.
Even if he does stay up until 5:00 a.m. (or he did last night/today) and sleeps until after 3:40 p.m. .... so far.
:)

OK, it's time for me to take this ice pack off so that I do my homework for Bible study, which is tomorrow. Seven days of homework. In one afternoon.
I'm nothing if not efficient.

Happy Tuesday, Peeps.
:)

A Rather Busy Day .....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 22:25:00 +0000

.... for some of my children.

You all know about Son #2 and that's on his way out.

Daughter #3 updated her blog ..... after about ..... oh, 6 months or so?

And Daughter #2 just posted this ..... which brought a smile to my face AND to my heart.
So proud .... and thankful for the amazing gift God has given her:

Please Pray .....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Mon, 09 Jan 2012 06:11:00 +0000

.... for Son #2 ..... and for me (and for Son #3, who's going to miss his brother .... a lot).
He just left.
He's spending the next 3 hours with his closest friends, who will then take him to the airport.

He came in to say good bye to me.
It was emotional.
Surprisingly more for him than for me.
Or at least, for what I showed.

I didn't cry.
I held that back.
For him.
I told him how very much I love him and how very proud I ..... and his dad ..... are of him.
And how we always knew that he was destined for this life.
And ..... that even though he's angry with God right now, I firmly believe that God has always .... and still has ..... His hand on Son #2's heart.

He was emotional.
I told him that I have no doubt that he will excel at this and that I'm excited for his future.
And to always keep in mind ..... that I love him more than he will ever know .... and that I will always be here for him.
Always.

And I will see him on April 1st.
I miss him already.
I miss my child who has always .... and most likely will always .... march to the beat of a different drummer.
I hope he does, anyway.

He'll be so different the next time I see him.
He will have grown from a teenager ..... into a man.
He will totally rock as a Marine.
The Corps will be lucky to have him.

Please join me in praying for him.
For his safety, his strength, his perseverance, his patience, his focus, his leadership .... and his success.

And for my peace and patience as I await April 1st .... the next, and only, time I'll be able to contact him in the next 12 weeks.

He'll do his parents .... and his country .... proud.
I.
Have.
No.
Doubt.

Thanks, Peeps.
And Happy Monday.

P.S. And now the tears flow.
He was able to call earlier this morning from downtown. Just to say hi and that he loves me. And to ask me to FB his girlfriend and give her his love. He sounded down and still emotional. I'm not sure if the weather is delaying them or what. He was also bummed that his recruiter took his cell phone this morning. He'd been told he could take it to Boot Camp and turn it in when he got there. Then we would've had more time to text/call his friends. But not now.
So I have to go pick it up. And did you know..... that AT&T will let you put a cell phone on hold, but will still charge you the same monthly fees?!! How very kind is that?!!! Crap!
Anyway, Son #2 snuck in another call just now. He was able to find an empty room with a phone in it. He sounds a bit more upbeat. I think he's pretty nervous, but the biggest issue is that he's exhausted. He didn't sleep at all last night and has been told he won't be sleeping again until Wednesday. Maybe they'll let him sleep on the plane? Please?
Man, I miss him.
So.
Very.
Much.
And I love him so much it hurts.
I doubt that it will EVER get any easier to goodbye to my children.
Ever.
So I'll just sit here and cry for a bit.
And stay home all day and tonight because once he gets there they let him make one call. One call during which he does all the talking, I am not permitted to say or ask anything. He basically is supposed to say, "Hi, Mom. I am now at Camp Pendleton, in the United States Marine Corps. Goodbye." ..... click.

Seriously?

I would've made a truly horrible military wife.
So, so, SO bad.
They would've probably just thrown Jim in the brig and kept him there ..... because of me.
I don't take orders well.
And I don't think the Marines take .... for lack of a better word .... "spunk" well.
Thank God he became an accountant.
:)
Thanks for comments and the prayers, Peeps. They are needed.

P.P.S. He just called again from the Houston airport (around 3:00). They finally made it there but were still waiting for a plane. He's flying into Dallas and then on to San Diego. I think he'll get there around 11:00 p.m. their time.
He still sounded a bit down. I keep telling him that these 12 weeks will fly by for him. He'll be too busy to even know what day it is .... and too exhausted to care. Then, before he knows it .... he'll be back home for a visit.
He's hoping to get one last "civillian" call when he gets to Dallas.
And then his last call of the day, and his first official call as a Marine ..... late tonight.
It's been wonderful to talk to him and to hear the love in his voice. I think we've talked more today than we have in the last month. And he's baring his heart and soul.
I'm proud of him.
Of course.
That's the latest update, Peeps.
Still missing him like crazy.

Happy Birthday, Honey ....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Sun, 08 Jan 2012 03:22:00 +0000

...... it's a beautiful day.
I decided to spend it at the lake because I knew that's where you'd want to be. Hands down.
I did not come alone, but I have no doubt that makes you happy. The biggest wish you could have for me is to be loved .... and to love.
And I am, Jim.

And this person has never been here before, but he knew what day it is ..... and so he asked no questions, just immediately said "yes". He wanted to be here .... for me, and with me.
We've had a good day. We've talked about you, about us at the lake, about the kids.

Speaking of the kids, Son #2 leaves for boot camp on Monday. Yes, he made it into the Marines, just as we always knew he would. He's going to be wonderful. And flourish. And become the man we envisioned him becoming. You were always proud of him, of each of our children, and I think you still are.
He was supposed to leave tomorrow but now he gets to stay home one more night, so hopefully I'll get to spend some time with him then. He soaking up every moment he can with his friends.

Daughter #1 is still in Baltimore, but she's feeling a pulling to try something different. You didn't even get to find out that she made it into Harvard for graduate school. But again, I think you know. She's working very hard .... and would still be making you proud.

Daughter #3 is in her 2nd year of teaching deaf students .... and she's amazing. She's also in grad school at
Gallaudet University in D.C. She's working very hard, teaching and taking classes at the same time. She continues to seek God's will in her life and is an amazing young woman. I know we're both proud of her.

Daughter #2 is in her first year of grad school ..... back at Baylor. She wants to do social work. She leaves me speechless. Her heart for God and for helping others in dire need .... is huge. Another child to be extremely proud of.

Son #1 graduates from SMU in May. We knew that's where he was going, since he's so much like you and had that plan since he was a freshman in high school. Though one surprise, he's graduating in Accounting (and in Spanish) but has decided that he doesn't want to be an accountant. I was stunned, but am happy that he's going to do what he wants to do ..... and not what he may be expected to do. He's been captain of the sailing team, a photographer for the school paper .... and now he's its editor.
He's turned into a wonderful young man, but then we always knew he would, didn't we?

And then there's Son #3. Only one more year and then he'll be heading off to college. That's hard to fathom. I try not to think about it too often because I can't imagine him not being here. But, thankfully, he's the ONE out of SIX who wants to go to OSU! Go Pokes!!!!! I imagine that it will be difficult to go visit him there and not have you next to me. That's where we met. That's where we took the kids for Christmas card pictures. That's where we have a brick engraved with our names on it.
But I do look forward to seeing him there .... and I really hope he doesn't change his mind between now and then.
You'd be proud of the young man he's becoming ..... and of the love of Oklahoma he got from you. Thanks for keeping an eye out on him.

It's been a year full of ups and downs, as they all have since you died. But the ups are now outnumbering the downs, of which I am so grateful.
And though I never would have chosen this path for our family, or for me, there have been good things that have occurred because of it. I am trying to make a difference in the lives of other widowed people. I think you'd be proud ..... and that helps me keep going.

The kids and I are grateful for the time we had you ..... and will never forget the things you taught us, the love you gave us ..... and the amazing man you were.

Although ..... I have to admit that I'm still a teensy bit pissed that you will forever be 47 ..... I blew by that long ago.
Not fair, Jim.
And totally not cool.

But it is what it is, right?
And today, on your birthday ..... what is ..... is mostly good.
Thank you, honey.
Thank you for loving me so much that I know I'm still worth loving ..... and capable of loving.
Thank you for 6 wonderful children who are also wonderful people.

You will always be a part of me and I will always love you.
Even as my heart grows larger ..... to love someone else, you are there.

So Happy Birthday, Jim.
I miss you.
I love you.
I will never not grieve for you.
But I am happy.
And doing well.
And hoping you are proud.
Thank you for helping me become the woman I am today.

You still rock.
:)

So I Totally Stunk ....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Fri, 06 Jan 2012 03:57:00 +0000

.... today when I played tennis.
It was the first time I've played since before my surgery.
Stunk.
But the weather was beautiful and at least I was able to play.
And no one slammed the ball into my nose.
See?
Not so bad!
:)

So, Son #2 heads to boot camp on Monday.
And I found out yesterday that he's actually leaving on Sunday.
It seems he has to go to a hotel that day and then they whisk him away to the airport in the wee hours of Monday a.m.
And then we'll have no contact with each other for 12 weeks.
Sigh .....

He has no idea what hotel, what time, how he's to be transported there .... you know, little facts like that which might be good to know.
Some things never change.

Son #1 is still home, though I think he has morphed into a vampire. He stays up until the wee hours of the morning (like 3:30 .... or later/earlier) and then sleeps until 3:00 or so.
I've been making some suggestions to him about trying to get his schedule back to something akin to "normal", but what the heck do I know? I'm just a mom. One of the most moronic beings on the planet.
Or so it would seem.

He goes back to school next week ..... on Wednesday, I think.

Saturday is Jim's birthday.
'Nuff said.

Things are great with V.
Really great.
Although after having a week off to spend so much time together ..... this week has seemed quite long.
He lives 45 minutes from here so we don't see much of each other during the week.
Which probably makes our time on the weekends together that much better.
:)

OK, that's it for now.
Sorry for the boring post.
It is what it is.
And I kind of like boring.
I think I will always like and appreciate boring .... when I get it.
:)

Happy Thursday/Friday, Peeps.
:)

Happy New Year ....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Tue, 03 Jan 2012 04:49:00 +0000

picture from here
.... to all of us.
:)

This was the best New Year's Eve .... and the first time I've looked forward to the new year since 2006/2007.
And that's a long time.

And that, my Peeps, is IN SPITE of having to go to an ER center at 5:00 p.m. on New Year's Day and being diagnosed with a flaming UTI. I woke up with a "twinge", sat through an NFL game, and then .... on the 40 minute drive back to V's area of town, the pain was increasing every 5 minutes. We went to a drug store and then to Best Buy, and after 20 minutes there I knew I was in trouble. Fortunately there was an ER close by and even more fortunately, there was one open pharmacy in town. Unfortunately we had to sit there for an hour before they gave us my two perscriptions.

But ...... as I said, even with all of that ..... it was STILL the best New Year's I've had in 5 years.
I am beyond thankful.
And content.
And happy.

I spent the first part of New Year's Eve with 2 of my children, whom I love very much.
And with a man whom I love very much.
And who loves me very much.
And the two of us spent the last couple of hours of New Year's Eve and the first hour of New Year's Day with 2 friends whom I love very much.
I couldn't ask for more.

Well, I guess I could always ask for more .... but I won't.
I've learned not to ask for much.
Besides, if you have love in your life, for anyone .... from anyone ..... there's not much left to ask for, is there?

So .... 24 hours after starting meds, the pain is better.
Yay for that.
I went to the ENT today. It hurt less.
Yay for that, too.
He says I'm 90% healed.
I'm good with that.

I'm currently watching the Fiesta Bowl.
I'm not so good with that.
The 4th quarter has just started and the Cowboys need to step it up a bit.
Before I chew off all of my nails.

Son #2 leaves for boot camp a week from today.
I can't believe it's come upon us so quickly.
I'm going to miss him.
He's going to miss his girlfriend.
Way more than he's going to miss me.
Which is probably as it should be.
Even if it doesn't feel like it.
Moms are way underrated.
:)

OK, I have to get back to the game.
We just made a touch down. The field goal will tie the game.
And it just did.
Woot!

Happy New Year, Peeps.
I'm excited for the year and for all of the possibilities.
I hope to make the most of it.
Whatever it offers.
:)

P.S. The Oklahoma State Cowboys just won the Fiesta Bowl!!!! What an additioanlly great way to start 2012!!!! YAY POKES!!!!!! :)

If You Know Me ....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 18:24:00 +0000

.... please help.

If you've known me for years and you've stood beside me while I grieved;
If you care about me and felt helpless as you could only watch me drown;
If you met me through this blog and have been touched in some small way by following the ravages of grief;
If you met me here and have learned how to better understand one of your loved ones who is grieving;

If you have encouraged me in person, by comments, by email .... or just by reading this blog;
If you have cheered me on as I walked ever-so-slowly out of the Valley of the Shadow of Death;
If you have smiled when I've smiled, cried when I've cried, laughed when I've laughed ......

..... then please help me.
Please help me .... help us.

Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation has made a huge difference in my life. The people I met there showed me that I could .... and I would survive.
And not only would I survive .... I would once again live.
I cannot say enough about this organization and the things we do, are trying to do .... and are hoping to do.
We reach over half a million people each day through our blog. Widowed people from all over the world now know that they are not alone.

We help out widowed families who were not fortunate enough to be prepared for the "worst case scenario", not at such an early age.

We gather together two weekends a year (going from one to two in 2012!!) to give widowed people who know not another single widowed soul ..... a chance to meet, cry, and laugh ..... laugh a lot ..... for one weekend. And to learn that they are not alone.

There are so many other things that we do, but I don't want to bore you. I just want you to know that we are the only organization that helps people on line (through our social site Widowed Village, our blog Widow's Voice, and our web site) AND in person, through our weekend "camps" and various events held all over the country to help widows/widowers and their families.

Trust me .... there's not a lot of help out there. But we're trying. And we're growing. We want to provide more "weekends" ..... and we want to reach overseas, where in some countries widows are treated as already dead themselves.

Please help.

Read this:

What Does Camp Widow DO for Widowed People?

"I left Camp Widow with so much more hope. I saw all around me examples of the kind of life I'd like to rebuild for myself as I make my way in the widowed world. I left with the revelation that this is the beginning of a new life for me. I am the ember left in the wreckage of a burned down house. I can die out, fade, or I can ignite again.

I want to make my husband Dave proud. I want to take what's left of my life and make it worthwhile. I want to do more things that scare and challenge me. I want to live. Thank you Camp Widow."~2011 Camp Widow West Camper

Your year-end donation makes Camp Widow, and all the programs of the Soaring Spirits Loss Foundation possible. Support hope with your tax-deductible donation today.

Watch this and see how we've learned to "Stand Up" and help others:

And then please, please click here and send in your tax deductible donation. It could be a great way for you to end 2011 ..... by giving someone Hope.
SUPPORT HOPE

Thanks, Peeps ..... please share this with others .....
and I pray that each of you has a wonderful, peaceful and joy-filled New Year's.
And please .... if you are married ..... hold on to your spouse a little tighter tonight (and every night) .... at midnight.
:)

Better Days ....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Sat, 31 Dec 2011 06:35:00 +0000

.... have been occurring. Three days in a row now .... I have not cried.
Huge.
Really huge.

Well, you can't really count the scene in the movie, "We Bought a Zoo", which made me cry (for those who've seen it .... the video from the park ..... need I say more?). I was not aware that the lead character in the movie (Matt Damon) is a widower.

What's the deal with me going to these movies and not knowing this one very important fact? How did that knowledge totally escape me?
Fortunately, I loved "We Bought a Zoo" and was able to get past the widower part, after the initial shock.

The George Clooney movie .... I did not get past.
That one was too difficult for me.

Another one that I don't think I'll get past, and I don't plan on seeing, is "Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close". I can't even get past the preview without crying.
I read that it starts one year after his death.
One year is not long enough.
Not for me.
I love Tom Hanks.
I love Sandra Bullock.
But I know better than to put myself through that.
At least for now.

Anyway .... other than at that movie .... I have not cried or felt surrounded by the "blackness" that has enveloped me for the last month.
I'm finally starting to feel normal.
Well, normal for me.

Other than Son #1 having to take the cat to the ER vet Wednesday night, it's been a pretty good few days (he either has a kidney infection or UTI .... but is now doing much better).
V's daughter came into town to spend the week with him.
We spent a lot of time together.
She's the reason we saw the "Zoo" movie.
I'm glad. :)

No big plans for New Year's.
We're going to dinner with Son #1 and Son #3.
Well, technically it's dinner.
But it's going to feel more like lunch.
Our reservation is for 5:00.
Yep. Five.
As in, "Who, under the age of 65, eats dinner that early?!"
I'll tell you who.
People who wait until the last minute to make a reservation.

OK, I have to stop blogging at this moment in time to say that I'm watching the OU bowl game (Go Sooners ..... I rarely ever say that) .... and can NOT believe that the sky cam just fell onto the field .... almost taking out a player!!!!
HOLY COW!!!!!

OK, I am now returning to my regularly schedule blogging.
Whatever.

So yeah .... dinner at 5.
And then ..... maybe a movie, maybe hanging with friends.
Yes. Wherever I am .... it's always a party.
Huge party.
I wonder if I'll even be awake at midnight?

Last night we watched the Baylor bowl game.
Talk about HOLY COW!!!!!
What an amazing game!! It looked more like basketball than football.
I was proud of the Bears.
They did a great job and really did "Sic 'Em"!

OK .... another aside. They've just suspended the game until they can clear the sky cam wires from the field.
Weird.

This is the second night I've watched a football game late into the night.
In a row.
I'm practicing for Monday night.
For THE bowl game.
Well, THE bowl game to me.
The Fiesta Bowl.
Go Pokes!

OK ..... that's it for now.
It's after midnight, the game is almost over and OU is going to win.
I need to go to bed.

I just thought I'd come on, say "hi" and let you know that things are better.
Much, much better.
Thank God for good meds.

Happy Saturday/New Year's Eve, Peeps.
Stay Safe.
:)

It's Been A Very Long ....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Tue, 27 Dec 2011 23:08:00 +0000

..... month.

Actually, it's been over a month.
But the days have grown longer and more difficult to get though with each passing week.
This was the worst Christmas yet, I think.
It's difficult to remember the details of the last 2, so maybe it wasn't as bad, but I think it was.

I have made no secret of the fact that I had to start taking antidepressants a few months after Jim died.
It became a life or death situation.
They had to be adjusted a couple of times over the years, but they did a good job of keeping the chemicals in my brain balanced.

And this past August I went out of town and stayed longer than I planned. I did not bring enough meds.
So I missed a couple of doses.
And when I came home, I decided it was a good time to try to wean off of those drugs and see how I did.
I thought I did well.
And really, I did do well.
By the end of September I was off of them.

And I went through some emotional and very trying times during the fall .... all without the aid of my meds.
And then Thanksgiving came, and surgery, and the 4 year date ..... and Christmas.
All I kept trying to focus on was making it to January. If I could just get through all of the holidays, I was sure I'd be home free.
But the spiral had already begun.
I just didn't recognize it.

That's the awfully sneaky thing about the spiral of depression .... its grasp is very gentle at first .... you don't really feel it pulling you in and sucking you downwards.
Until it's almost too late.

By the time I knew I was spiraling, I thought I was still a strong enough swimmer to break free.
I still fought against it.
And I remained quiet about it.
If kept quiet, and kept fighting .... I'd beat it.
If I kept acting like everything was "fine" .... it all would be.

But by Christmas Eve Day, I knew that this was one battle I was not going to win.
At least, not the way I had thought.
And by then, it was almost too late.
Almost.

So I started back on my meds, knowing that I will now be on them for the rest of my life.
And normally, I'm ok with that.
But I'm not feeling normal .... yet.
So I hate it.
I hate the fact that Jim's death not only took him, but it changed me, physically.
It left me forever different and forever reminded that I am not, nor will I ever be, the same.
And it's not fair.

It's not fair that you have to lose half of your heart ..... and then top it off with losing at least half of your self.
It sucks.
To put it mildly.

But hopefully, I'm on my way back to feeling balanced again.
I hope so. Because feeling this way has been killing me.
Really.
And trying to fight it and keep quiet about it ..... has been beyond exhausting.
I feel like I could go to bed and stay there for at least 2 weeks.
But I hope to not feel that way much longer.
Each day I hope to not cry, not feel overwhelmed, not feel like I'm sitting at the back of a dark, cold cave.
Today, for the first day in a very long time, I did not feel that way the moment I woke up.
So that's an improvement.

And I know I'm not alone in this fight.
I have someone who loves me very much and is fighting hard for me, with me.
And I know that many of you have been through this same fight.
Some for the same reason ..... others for different reasons.
The reasons don't matter ..... the battle is the same.

I'll get there.
Small steps.
Small victories.
One breath at a time.

I Have a Love/Hate Relationship ....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Sun, 25 Dec 2011 05:26:00 +0000

.... with Christmas Eve.
Actually, I'd love to say that I weigh in heavier on the love side, but I don't think that would be true.
And I hate that I hate some of it.

Every year we go to one of the Christmas Eve services ..... and then we go to dinner with friends.
And every year I sit there and cry through most of the service.

Every year at least one person stops me after the service and says, "Are you ok?"
And every year I say, "No."
Sigh .....

It doesn't get easier.
It just ..... is.

I dread going to church on this night.
But I can't imagine not going on this night.
It's part of Christmas.
It always has been.

Staying home wouldn't do anything ..... it wouldn't make me feel any better.
It would just make one night different .... one night that should probably stay as much the same as possible.

And so .... it does.
I hope one day I will love it again.
At least more than I hate it.

Six Children ......

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Sat, 24 Dec 2011 17:04:00 +0000

.... are home now .... and another doctor's visit is behind me.

Thank God.

I woke up yesterday morning feeling less pressure in my head/face and less of a headache. So yay for that.

Son #1 and I drove down into Houston to see my ENT. I was less than relaxed, to put it mildly. But surprisingly, all went relatively well.

It wasn't a great visit. A great visit would involve him not sticking very, very long, curved, silver instruments up into my hose and around into my sinus cavities. And him thinking that a couple of Lidocaine sprays in each nostril would make it all good.

I may have to ask him how many times he's gone through that experience and if so, how much the Lidocaine helped.

Because trust me ...... not so much.

But, it was less painful than Wednesday ..... which was a marked improvement.

And after he stuck all kinds of instruments up there and sucked some gunk out (though less than he expected to remove) he declared that I "was healing nicely". Yay for me. And yay for not having an infection.

In fact, he said that I don't have to see him for 10 days! Double yay for me!

By the time Son #1 and I got home, Son #3 had picked up Daughter #1 and returned home from the airport, and within a few minutes Daughter #3 drove up.

It's so great to have all of them home ..... even though one of the daughters will have to go back "home" on Monday. I blinked away the tears that threatened to fall, but managed to keep it together .... for that moment anyway. I'm not keeping it together so very much as I type this.

Which means that I'd better end this post and move on to something else.

Happy Saturday/Christmas Eve, Peeps!

The View From Here .....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Fri, 23 Dec 2011 04:13:00 +0000

.... looks like this:

This is the view from our sofa, on which I have spent most of the last two days. And yes, that's a lovely humidifier sitting next to me (though backwards in the picture, and it's not blowing bubbles .... those are the lights on the Christmas tree in the next room).
I feel like a 5 year old with croup.

And really? A humidifier in Houston???? As in, south-hellishly-humid-most-of-the-year-Texas?
Yes.
The ENT told me yesterday that I needed to get one.
I was somehow under the false assumption that it was safe to get rid of the one we used when the kids were small ...... oh, about 10 years ago.
My bad.

Good news .... I slept much better last night, and fell asleep much earlier. Yay for falling asleep before 4:00. Or 7:00. A.M.
I haven't felt horrible today, but things don't feel quite right, either. My sinuses have felt very full and there's been a lot of pressure and tenderness up there. I'm praying that those are normal-ish feelings post sinus surgery, and not the start of an infection.
Because wouldn't that just be perfect?
Christmas weekend.
And who amongst you would be totally shocked if that happened?
Anyone?
Anyone?
Bueller?

But, as I said/wrote ..... I haven't felt really bad, so I'm just sailing down that river in Egypt for as long as possible.
But .... I've also come to the conclusion that I really shouldn't cancel my doctor's appointment tomorrow .... dang it.
However I did ask Son #1 to go with me .... in case I'm tortured again and end up sitting in a dark bar somewhere down in Houston.
You never know.

So other than the pressure up there, I've felt pretty decent. I even felt good enough to go out to a movie tonight. I thought I'd be able to go to dinner, too, but alas ..... by the end of the almost-3-hours movie, my energy level was starting to tank.

So here I am again, sitting on our sofa ..... feeling the moist, cool air float around me.
And really ..... what other feeling brings back such warm memories of Christmas?

Happy Thursday, Peeps.
:)

Why Do They Fail To Warn Us ....

noreply@blogger.com (Janine (txmomx6)) — Thu, 22 Dec 2011 01:37:00 +0000

... about setbacks? I mean, really?

I consider myself to be an ~~"older"~~ slightly mature, college-educated woman. I have been through so much "stuff" in my life, that I'm going to have to stop typing for a moment and take a breather ...... or cry huge, somewhat bloody tears all over my keyboard.
So please bear with me for just a sec ......
I'll give you a topic upon which to think: Santa ..... do you think he tries to go on a really low-carb diet starting in October so that he can make it through most of those chimneys?

OK, I'm back. I have slightly more control than I did a few seconds ago.

So where was I? Oh yes ..... sniff, sniff ..... the setbacks.

I do not consider myself to be a pessimist. Not at all. More of a realist, I think ..... and definitely not a Pollyannna.
I used to be more positive, and then one day I found out that I had been "bitch-slapped" (sorry for the language) by life overnight.
And the positive disappeared. For a very, very long time.
But, thankfully, not permanently.
So I didn't lose all of my positiveness, but I gained a pretty healthy dose of reality, too.

And this dose has taught me that everything .... every single damn thing ..... has a setback. If we've experienced enough of what life has to offer, we discover these setbacks on our own ..... through trial and error.
Sometimes a professional has enough foresight to tell us to expect a set back. In fact, they're usually required by law to inform us of any and all possible setbacks.

Many people prefer to be surprised ..... they don't want to be warned of any supposed setbacks. And I get that ..... truly. Because who wants to hear about something bad that "might" happen, but then again, might not .... and then you suffered undo duress all because of what might have been.

I, on the other hand, have changed my opinion on that.
I need to know the possibilities ..... the setbacks ..... before they happen .... in case they happen. I find that I can deal with setbacks if I know they're just lurking around the corner.
I hate the lurking. Just jump out, already, give me the worst you've got, and then move on.

And it makes me crazy when people who should know better don't warn me about what might happen.
These people sometimes fall under the category of medical personnel ..... doctors, nurses, surgeons, therapists, technicians ..... I could go on and on, but I think (I hope) that you get my drift.

Anyway, back to weekend, post surgery.

I was supposed to the Texans game with V on Saturday and was really looking forward to it. But I didn't fall asleep until after 6:00 a.m. Sunday (one of the first horrible setbacks post surgery .... my body doesn't sleep) and V showed up on my doorstep at 7:00a.m. I somehow made it into his truck, though I think he may have had to carry me) and then we went to Mickey D's so that I could get a little food and some caffeine and hopefully wake up. But I couldn't. And all I could do was cry. I really, really wanted to go and I'm not used to not being able to suck myself of, or into something.

Plus, V had to drive 45 minutes to pick me up and back another 45 minutes to pick up a co-worker. Not to mention that the tickets had somehow been miscounted and so V had to buy 3 extra tickets, that he really shouldn't have had to buy.

So he kept asking me what I wanted to do and all I could do was cry in response. I knew that I could not physically or emotionally go to that game. But I felt horrible for how much money he spent, how far he had driven .... and how much work he still had to do.

So he pretty much took matters out of my own hands and took me home.

I don't remember crawling into bed but I do remember crying myself to sleep. I hate, hate, hate to let people down.

I slept all morning and then hung around with kids at home for the rest of the day. I really needed that.

I didn't get to speak to V much (humongous football stadiums are not known for their ease of cell phone coverage. But he did say that they all had a great time and he wished I'd been there. Which of course, made me cry all over again.

Sunday night was uneventful ..... as much as it could be, I guess, considering that I was sad, depressed, tired, sore, leaking blood from my sinuses ..... and I missed Jim. And no matter how much I tried to sugar-coat it .... December 18th is still December 18th. Ugh.

And then started another night of staying wide awake. All. Night. Long.

I wish someone could've shot me.

But I finally made it to last night .....
We (D2, S1, V and I) had a quiet evening at home planned. Son #1 found a lovely recipe on the internet that involved pork chops, apples, carrots, a heavenly gravy/sauce and some delicious risotto. Daughter #2 found a yummy cake called "Carmel Apple Cake with an apple cider icing'. We were all in Fall Heaven. We had invited V over for dinner earlier in the day .... and I think he was a little shocked to see how well my kids can cook/bake, considering that huge amount of DNA that courses through their bodies .... on accounta me. :)
Although ..... huge clarification here, which most of you already now .... I used to enjoy cooking, very much, but the pressure and chore of constatntly coming up with new meals which needed to be doubled for 8 people, unless they hated them, which they mostly did ..... sucked all of that joy right out of my body. I pray that it comes back some day. Well, I kind of pray for that. It would be lovely to cook for someone who enjoys food, and the time and effort it takes to prepare said food. But, on the whole .... I really don't care if I ever cook for someone again. So maybe I should pray (and ask for prayers) to just have the desire again. Cuz right now? Not so dang much. :)

SO ..... ANYHOOOOOO ..... I digress, yet again.

Dinner was wonderful. The recipes were great. V enjoyed the menu and both kids did a very good job.

I, however, fell promptly asleep in less than 15 minutes after V arrived, and then started to feel that "I'm-getting-the-flu-sweat" thing during dinner ..... and then had to stop eating, Ironically, I wasn't eating all that much anyway.

We sat at the table for a bit longer and than D2 brought out her wonderful dessert. It really was good, I could only manage to eat one small bite of it before that sweating thing kicked in again).

Everyone then got up and started the long job of cleaning up, which actually went pretty quickly since there were 4 of us.

As soon as we were done, or close to being done, I made my way to a recliner and tried not to move very much.

V said I looked a little "pasty" (men have SUCH a way with words, do they not?!) :)

He then advised me to go straight to bed (it was not yet 8:00) and he left for home. Another boringly fun night at our home. Poor guy. I felt horrible .... all over again. :(

But I did end up in bed .... and asleep ..... shortly after 9:00. Yay for me!!!

Before you get too excited .... the "Yay" did not last.

I woke up ..... straight up out of bed, at 10:30 p.m. And preceded to toss and turn for another hour before I gave up and went into the family room to join the other kids.

Oh, yeah ..... and there was much gnashing of teeth and crying of tears during the tossing and turning. Lots and lots of tears. Have I told you how very much I HATE to not be able to sleep? I doubt it. It ranks right up there with one of the worst things ever for me. Ever. And it usually leads to some kind of panic attack, because it's just a vicious circle. The longer I can't sleep, the longer it will be until I fall asleep. which directly corresponds to the amount of sleep I won't get until I have to wake up at 6:30 a.m., or whenever. Then the panic turns to obsession, which leads to fear, which leads to panic .... and so on.
Sigh .....

Between the hours of 10:30 p.m. and 6:00 a.m. I managed to take 2 Ambiens, 1 Xanax, 2 Benadryls, and finally, 2 Tylenol p.m. tablets. (At least that's all I recall. It could've been more, it could've been less. Whatever it was .... it was too much that didn't do a damn thing).

Yes, I know how horrifically stupid that was. Horrifically. All I can say is that my body is starting to lose any semblance of control, the ability to sleep, and the blessing of sleeping any longer than 5 minutes at a time. Nothing is working. I have been overly medicated for at least the past 3 nights, yet my body shows no indication that it's taken any meds at all (until 11:00 a.m. rolls around and then I'm in a stupor for a few ours). This has been horrible and frustrating, so I say, without one iota of humor, that I can totally understand how Heath Ledger &/or Michael Jackson could accidentally overdose because of the overwhelming biological need for sleep.

And I'm at a loss about what to do next.

Except to keep suffering set backs.

That's the reason this whole post was started in the first place. But I managed to over-digress in my digression! See? I'm losing my mind! I wonder if incontinence comes next? Damn .... now I'll have to add Depends onto the grocery list.

Sigh .....

So I went back for my second post-op visit today.

And it was ..... to put into one word ....... torturousllyhorribledeathbegginglifeending and just not fun.

I was unprepared for the pain. Especially since it went so much better on Monday. But today, today I may have set an all-time patient record for how far my butt was able to come out of my seat, while breathing through, and screaming out of ..... of my nose.

The sinus cavity in the front of my head, which I failed to notice earlier today (a good thing I would suppose) feels like it's had large, sharp pieces of gravel shoved into it.

Gross alert:

While it seems that it's easy to keep most gunk and scabs soft during the constant spraying of saline solution I'm drowning myself in ...... things don't always happen quite they way that they should. Or do we all believe that's just me?

Because while the surgeon was trying to push, probe, dig, grasp and hold me down (as was his assistant) I could hear the sounds that were emanating from the inside of my head ..... sounds that I never, EVER want to hear again ..... nor even dream about again!

It seems that some of the ultra-powerful scabs have the unnatural ability to grow back into something very akin to a bone-like substance. Which means they have to be broken .... much the way a piece of bone would. And that, my Peeps, is just about the time my surgeon lost one if his appendages. One of his very favorite, I suppose. Oh, and yes, this was WITH lidocaine. Lots and lots of lidocaine.

It's a bit difficult to use anything close to Lamaze breathing when one's nostrils are barely numb, swollen, full of boney-scab-like-protrusions ..... and someone is shoving very long tools up there, stretching your nostril in much the same way things in other areas are stretched by the use of FORCEPS!!!

Trust me .... I've experienced both. And at this point, I'm not certain which one I'd choose next time, if given the choice.

That visit was entirely too long and entirely too painful. I could barely keep myself together as I left. By the time I made it back to D2's car (THANKFULY she drove me ..... I would not have been able to drive after all of that) I was in full-tear-panic mode. I cried most of the way home. I cried if we drove over a bump. I cried when V texted me to ask how the appt went. I cried when I realized that I'm probably not going to get a Christmas card done this year.

I cried when I wished Jim were here to at least have acted like he might've socked that doctor in the jaw.

And I've continued to cry at the thought of another sleepless night, leaving me beyond exhausted, sick to my stomach and an emotional slug tomorrow.

And truly, truly ...... all I would've needed is just one stupid "Head's Up" on this whole pain, gore, pain, boney mass, pain, drowning-in-salline-spray stuff.

Truly.

Just one wee bit of a head's up.

If you ever have that capability, Peeps ...... please give someone a "Head's Up".

They'll be forever grateful.

Happy Wednesday.

P.S. My next appointment with the surgeon is on Friday ..... down in Houston (yes, just hearing that almost made cry more!). He had no "head's up" to add for this next visit, either.
Can you all just pray that things are much better up there and are healing faster ..... and fully. Because I'm really afraid that I'm going to call and cancel that appointment. I kid you not.
I've been through more than my fair (ha!) share of pain ..... but this was beyond pain. And I really don't think I can do it again. Or at least I cannot put myself into a car and voluntarily drive myself down there.
Yes, I am a chicken.
But yes, I am an honest chicken ..... who's ready, willing and able to admit her weaknesses and faults. And then of find a nice beach somewhere and ignore all of this.
:)