One Day It'll All Make Sense...

---- Drive-By ----

2006-07-20T15:52:00.000-04:00

Long time no blog, huh… *ctfu*. So many changes, and I’ve been tryna stay focused. I FINALLY made it out of Ohio, YAYYYYYYYYYY BALTIMORE, Baby!!!! Really, really digging it here, too. Right now I’m staying with a friend, but trust that the goal is to be in my own place by Oct. or Nov. 1st. The kiddies are in Ohio for this coming school year, and I’m kinna exhaling a lil bit, lol. I miss ‘em tho, fa sure. Can’t wait to take ‘em to the harbor… They can explore the lil naval ships and have a blast with the paddle boats. They’ll love the National Aquarium, too.

Started a part-time gig with Ashley Stewarts this week, and it’s cool. GO TEAM CHUNK!!!!! Yesterday this cat came in just to pester folks, I guess. My co-worker told me he’s a regular, comes in to bug the associates and buy WOMEN’S sunglasses for himself. He came in right behind a female customer, so I offered assistance because I thought he was with her. Ugh!!!! Dude had an unlit, fat stankin-ass cigar in his hand and kept talking to my breasts until I was mad creeped out and ready to cuss a muhfukka outttttt, okay??? Quickly found something else to occupy myself, but dude kept watchin me the whole time he was there. Of course, he didn’t even come in to buy anything…. Nothin, nada… What a perv. On some real shit… dude creeped me out so bad my stomach was fukked up by the time he left. Sheit… I’ve ministered in prison and lived in an area where there were many registered sex offenders, and they never fazed me. Dude CREEPED ME DA FUCK OUT, ya heard??? I will nottttttt be dealin with this fukka, fuck some damn customer service, he had me REVULSED… PERV, PERV, PERV. Trust… dudes stare @ Da Twinz all the time, but this cat’s whole spirit set my alarms off real bad, nothing I can really articulate in a blog, you’d just have to’ve been there. Fukka lookin like a dark-skinned Ron Isley, too… UGH. Whateva…

Yesterday I interviewed with an electronic payments processing company, and it was gravy. I want this job, BADLY...!!!! International company with mad opportunities for advancement, crazy benefits, nice pay, and I’d be on a computer all day with noooooooo phone contact. Can somebody say, “HEAVEN FOR ME”??? I’ll most likely find out tomorrow if I got it, but it seemed mad promising. The interviewer was asking me at the end if I can start immediately, which I can… they’re understaffed right now and throwin out some overtime. She was speaking to how well my previous positions have ensured that I have every skill set they need for the job, and said she was going to get right back to the temp agency recruiter, and that I’d hear something very quickly. Keep me in ya prayers for this door to open, and THANKSSSSSS in advance…

There’s a huge art festival downtown this weekend, and I’mma have to check it out. I’ve barely been outta the house since I’ve been here, coz I’m not tryna go wastin up gas until I have a fulltime gig. This weekend, that’ll change. I need to get out, mad stir-crazy. I did however, go to a “White” party with my neighbor for some chick’s 40th birthday. Not sure what some folks didn’t understand bout white attire expected, but whateva… The soul train line was funny as hayle. The birthday girl gave out bottles of champagne with her pic and birthday on ‘em, *lol*. Finally had an apple martini, and damnnnnnnnnnnn if those fukkaz aren’t THE TRUTH!!!! I don’t even like apples, but been fiendin for more ever since, lol…

Lemme take a quick minute to shout out some folks who’ve kept in touch while I’ve been absent. GeorgiaPeach, Dee-Dee, Holiday, Trent, and Zed… THANKS. Zed... I'mma really need to be ya Bohemian Munkee again, man... I feel like I'm on punishment!!! Smoke one, Fewl!!! ;-)

Musta Been Hella Bored!!!

2006-03-16T23:32:00.000-05:00

All Quizzes by myYearbook.com -- the World's Biggest Yearbook!

Take the quiz:
What Perfume Are You?

Chance By Chanel
You're a cute , fun, romantic girl. You like
relaxing and hanging out, but you have a seductive side.

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WHAT DESIGNER ARE YOU?

Juicy Couture!!
You are a fun, girly girl, but you have a naughty side to you.
You love to enjoy life and live it to the fullest!

Take the quiz:
What kind of eyes do you have? (with pictures)

Eden
You have eden eyes. Eden is the color of water. Your eyes symbolize your great flexibility. You are a creative person. You can think of many good ways to get your point across to people as you have very good communication abilities. When someone feels down or is hurt, you have the remarkable ability to help them and heal them. If you have too little going on in your life, you may be withdrawn and depressed, timid, manipulative, unreliable, stubborn, or suspicious. Some words to describe you: peaceful, sincere, affectionate, tranquil, intuitive, trustworthy, pure, loyal, healing, and stable.

Take the quiz:
What is your Paranormal gift?

Telepathy
Reading minds... what am I thinking? Hehe, just kidding. But you always know what others are thinking, if you want. You can be a smart alec at times but you don't care, because you probably know everybodies secrets and have a smug little smirk on your face. Oh well, just don't abuse it. O.o

Take the quiz:
Which Egyptian God or Goddess do you represent?

Ma'at, Goddess of Order, Harmony, and Truth
Ma'at was the goddess of physical and moral law in Egypt, of order and truth. She was not much of a goddess, but more of a concept. She was what was right; she was the way things should be. You lead a very well-ordered life. You are just and keep things in balance. You know just how to react to things, and people like you for that.

Take the quiz:
Which Daughter of The Universe are you?

Rhea
You are the Daughter of the easy going part of the Universe. You are a beautiful, stunning star. All of the other stars admire your beauty. Comets and other stars pass through and stare, but you just ignore. You're confident, outgoing and very attractive, yet you don't really know it (meaning you don't show off). You are very laid back and take things one step at a time. You don't plan anything, you just do it when you feel like it. You have lots of friends, and they admire you're sarcasm, beauty and maturity. Being able to control the weather is a secret from everyone... hopefully there will soon be a special someone for you to share it with.

Tagged!!!

2005-12-17T22:22:00.000-05:00

Ok... so Munkeelicious, King of all Munkees is the first to ever tag me. (I'll mail the tag cherry for your trophy case for Christmas... Okay, Daddy??)

The Rules:
1. Go into your archive
2. Find your 23rd post
3. Find the fifth sentence (or closest to it)
4. Post the text of the sentence in your blog with these instructions.
5. Tag five other people to do the same.

The fifth sentence in my 23rd post is:

How does that happen?

Burning Bridges

2005-12-04T18:52:00.000-05:00

Whewwwwwwwww-wheeeeeeeee, I've been busy... and TIRED!!! Last week I walked up on a seasonal gig with The Limited, in their distribution center thru December. Started this week, and it's whoopin my tail!!! I like it tho. A physical job is good for the soul erry once in awhile. All nite I unload trucks and throw boxes on conveyers. Tomorrow nite I'll be back on the grind. It's crazy how my biceps are already startin to pop a bit and it's only been 5 days. Zennie told me I'mma come out lookin like a pro wrestler, lmaooooooooo!!! I stay throwin stuff the whole time I'm there coz I wanna burn calories... and most of our freight is mad heavy. No softlines comin thru at all. The thing I like about it is the smell... We ship for The White Barn Candle Co., Vicky's Secret, and Bath & Body Works... so yanno it smells like heaven up in there. *lol* Anyhoo, I still have to find a permanent job, coz this one has no possibility for hire upon completion.

Ok... so the Significant Ex just sends me an email tellin me off, talkin bout I'm too judgemental and some other shit, pissed off coz I said his son's name is ghetto. YEAH, I SAID IT... AND I'M STICKIN TO IT. His name is Zaki... his 2nd son's name is Zaki. The first son's name is Kadeem. The 3rd son is Tah'Bre (ultra ghetto). Now... this cat left for 2 yrs, came back to another son, whom the mama named, "ZAKIIM". So last nite, I'm visiting his mama, who's in the hospital. She's a beautiful person. Anyhoo, he gets there, we're chillin, all is gravy. His kids came up in the convo, and I asked the new one's name. He told me and I shook my head, laffin. Said that's a damn shame, that's ghetto. NOW... this chick is a mad weedhead and super, ultra-ghetto. He told me himself, he had nothing to do with any of his sons' names. (I'mma keep it all the way real... his born name is CRISPIN WILLIAMS, but he changed it when he researched his own father's name, and found out his dad came from a royal line in Africa, so he took on HIS dad's fam name and added Zaki coz it means, "Truth & light") His moms had just told me right before he got there that ole girl would brag in front of her at her house bout how she was neva gonna stop bein a weedhead, and called her the bottom of the barrel as far as the Babymama Coalition. Who da fugg would brag bout some shit like that to their child's grandmother??? Only a CHICKENHEAD. TRUTH IS TRUTH. The other stuff I know bout Anita is mostly what Zaki has told me from his own mouth 2 summers ago, before she was pregnant. Trusttttttt, this bish is GHETTO. Aint nuffin new under the sun bout that coz Zaki is Captain Chickenhawk, fa realz. That's the major reason we never worked out in all these years. Me being the reflective sista that I am, always wondered why we always came back in each other's face coz we're always on some different ish than than the other one.

Anyhoo, he kinna snapped when I said that, but nothin major. We ended up changin the subject. So a lil while ago, he emails me, tellin me off. Said he was mad pissed last nite coz of what I said, and that he lied to me bout having somewhere to go instead of hangin with me. Like I give a shit??? I guess that was supposed to hurt my feelings or some shit. Trust, I came home and still went out with someone else anyway. *lol* I been known to keep 'em on deck, feel me? So this email says he feels that I was makin fun of his name, and told me off bout callin that some ghetto shit. OH WELL... IT ISSSSS GHETTO. Not the name itself as much as how & why the name was arrived at. And Ion give a fugggggggg what he doesn't like. Long as he's known me shouldn't nuffin I say surprise him. He said enuff foul shit bout my husband before things went crazy, I'm totally justified, trust. Anyhoo, I was sayin that combining 2 of his son's names, including his, is some ghetto George Foreman shit. And it IS. So after 14 years, he told me to step da fugg off, take him off my contact list, lose his email, and not to visit his mama. LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! I can dig it. I'mma still stop by the hospital to tell his moms to take care and that I prolly won't see her again. I gotta drive ri past there on the way to work tomorrow nite, anyway. Difference between me stoppin by and the Coalition is that I visited coz she's a sweet lady that I've known for a long time, and the others try to stay close coz they think she's gonna persuade him to settle down with them. Like he's some kinna prize? LMAOOO... ok. My response to the email:

Yanno what... I can dig it.

What I said still stands... naming a child after a man who has not put a ring on ya finger is RETARDED... I was sayin it was ghetto coz she mixed up your & Kadeem's name, which isn't clever, it's stupid. I can surely step da fukk off and I will... as for what I said bout Anita, FUCK HER GHETTO, WEEDHEAD, CHICKEN-HEADED ASS and YOUR CHICKEN-HAWKIN ASS TOO. I really don't care if you dog out my kids' names... I don't care if you neva wanna speak to me again, that's on you... not like it's the first time I ever offended you... and it's not like it's the first time you ever spun me off to go somewhere else. If you were just pissed last nite, you shoulda had the mannish balls to tell me to my face instead of sendin me a punk-ass email.

Grow the fukk up and marry one of ya babymamas, I'm sure you'll be happy wif your decision. You don't have to worry bout me tryna contact you, I respect your feelings bout that. And trust... as much shit as you said to me about my husband, REGARDLESS WHAT YOU THOUGHT I KNEW OR NOT... I'm entitled to say any damn thing I want about your baby mamas. Maybe one day you'll quit lyin to me about stayin with em... oops, no need to now.

Peace.

It's all good... He doesn't have to worry bout me hittin him up at all. I stay in my lane, regardless. He's really probably thinkin he dealin with the same Shon he had back in the day, the one that actually cared bout his feelings. I'd already told him I handle men totally different since my marriage fell apart, and he's really bout to peep it. Things in the game done changed, feel me?? I honestly don't care. All he did was remove any last reservation I had about moving to Philly come summer anyway, so I'm kinna relieved, honestly. So while he's tellin me to step da fukk off... I hope that means HE'S gonna delete me from his contact list, delete my email addy, stay outta my yahoo 360 blog, stay off my Black Planet page, STAY OUTTA HERE, and quit doin searches online for me erry time we lose contact, wif his hackin ass. That shit gotta go both ways and I hope he sticks with it. This shit is ironic coz I swear I'd just returned from the health food market, where I bought one of those detoxifying internal cleaning systems to take this week. Fourteen yrs of his residue bout to be flushin out, too... Some bridges need to be burnt!!! Ha!

*straightening my dress, sittin pretty, and goes back to catchin up the blogs I've missed reading*

Still Waters Still Run Deep

2005-11-14T04:38:00.000-05:00

Every birthday brings time of reflection and thanks for me. This year, altho my stuff is pretty janky financially right now, I still have a lot to be thankful for. I'm no longer married, and no longer mired in a sea of depression with suicidal thoughts plaguing every sleeping & waking moment. Two years ago, my marriage was over in a matter of weeks after I'd invested 3 years, and all my future plans had blown up in my face. I finally felt normal again by my 35th birthday, and it's been a year now that I've had my swagger back. Everything comes full-circle in time. I've had a lotta fun over the past year, despite the struggles. Went to DC, hung out with about 60 of my chatroom buddies, turned da hayle outtttttt, and visited NC, too. Had a blast hangin out here with Kahnma all summer, cut a lotta dead weight, lost weight, finally had a break from parenting for some time to myself, read a few of my pieces @ the open mic, and got myself a bit closer to God again. Two years ago... before I got married, my spiritual walk was TIGHT. His favor blessed me to live in His privilege and not on a level the world thought I should according to the money any job provided. I've been blessed for a long time, and maturity has brought growth and wisdom. I'm silly as hell a lotta the time, but a sista takes time out to give God some thanks and praise, and YES, I do it publicly. If you're not a person who believes in God or the concept that He has an enemy who is out to kill, steal, and destroy, you might as well stop reading now coz you're really not gonna be able to appreciate the rest of this post. Peep this:

Have you ever seriously reflected on your life and recognized that there was a plan in place from birth to kill you by any means necessary? I reflected back one day this year and the plan of my soul's enemy was so clear in my life that it just blew me away. From birth, I was EXTREMELY asthmatic. Asthmatic to the point that my mother didn't graduate college until I was in 9th grade coz she kept having to drop out of school to care for me 24/7. From 5-8 years of age, we spent 5 of every 7 nited in the emergency room, sometimes more than one trip per nite. My asthma was uncontrollable. I spent holidays in the hospital and was hospitalized for extended periods 6 times by age 14. It's really a miracle to me that I made it to adulthood, but I'm here by His Mercy. This was the first layer of the attack on my life. Notice I said "layer", not phase, because some of this junk was simultaneous.

My parents divorced when I was 3, and Dad moved to another state. At 5, my mother met and got involved with someone she thought was a nice guy, but he turned out to be psychotic as fugg and a substance-abusing lunatic. She was trapped before she knew it. In time he showed his cards, and for the next 11 years our lives were hell. He was controlling, insanely jealous, and a stalker. There were times of peace but moreso, times of fear and violence. Much of this I witnessed with my own eyes. The police were always involved, but this was before the stalking laws and he had wealthy parents who paid his way out of everything. My mother was TRAPPED. He once chased us the wrong way down a one-way city street, 4 miles back to the emergency room after one of my nightly visits, ramming our car with his and chasing us right back into the hospital before their security beat him down and arrested him. The staff had only seconds to hide us, but somehow they did. He used to kick our door in, in the middle of the night and came in windows on her. He once dragged her into the Ohio River and tried to drown her in front of me. She still has neck flare-ups to this day. When I was 9, he raped her with a deer rifle to her head in front of me, setting an alarm clock and telling her he was going to blow her head off when the alarm went off. I managed to call the police and gave them his name, told them what was happening, but those stupid fukks called back to talk to her coz they thought I was lying. They finally came and that incident ended w/o further injury. Another time he kicked her into some kitchen cabinets, breaking her nose. He then held her there and stitched it up himself, coz he knew a hospital visit would be jail. His boy held me upstairs and wouldn't even try to step in, coz he was a big-azz punk. In time she was able to have plastic surgery to correct the hump in her nose.

She was TRAPPED, no matter what we did. Three times, she packed everything we could fit in her car and ran across the country. Went as far as California, but he had hired a private investigator who tracked us by her credit card usage, and he was able to get back at her. I think we returned after he threatened her parents' lives or something. My grandfather had pulled a pistol on him before, when he came beating on the sides of their home goin crazy coz he knew we were there. We found out that my grandfather had consultations with an attorney and was compiling a file of evidence of the history of violence with him in case he had to kill him in self- or our defense. Finally, some other chick told him that she was pregnant with his child, and he came over tellin my mom he was getting married. Moms saw this as the chance she'd been waiting for to run again, coz she knew he'd be distracted. We came to Columbus, and been here ever since. A few times she came home to messages on her machine from him, but he's never shown up. If he did I might shoot him on sight, so I THANK GOD for letting us live in peace. This was the second layer of the attack... and it was multi-dimensional.

The third layer came thru my relationships with men as a young adult on her own for the first time. My 2 high school relationships were with great guys, and we've communicated and caught up on each other's lives a few times over the years. I hope they're living happy lives and all is well, wish them the best if we never bump into one another again. In college, things changed. I got caught up with one buster after another over the years, even tho I took time to analyze and decompress between each relationship. Every time I finally got back out on the dating scene and met someone new, he ended up being a decepticon, also. They'd flip on me, jump on me, or end up stalkin me. One worked at the phone company, and went so far as to make emergency calls to my school, having them pull me out of tests, just to look at the message and the phone # left was to his work department. He ended up losing his job over that mess too, good riddance. Over the years I didn't have many relationships and I was never the one for casual sex, but several involvements left me with a black eye. I'd always told myself if they hit you once, they'll do it again and I didn't want any replays of the childhood, so I always made the first time the last. By the time I was 30, I had been raped more than once, and had a 5-yo child by a man who had thrown me down a flight of stairs when I was 5 months pregnant. I had an 18 month-old by someone I found out was a functional substance abuser, and we'd split before I found out I was pregnant. I was with the person I eventually married by 32 and he was a blessing from the start. We talked thru problems, took them to God and let Him lead us, and settled things in that manner. Everything was gravy. He asked our pastor for my hand and we went thru months of premarital counseling. It was like a dream. The vows were finally taken, and within a week, dude flipped the script 180°. The dream became a nightmare when he began to verbally abuse me, and told me he'd made a mistake marrying me, that I should have gone back to my ex who'd never abused me in all of our 13 yrs, on and off. The prior summer, I'd reunited my husband with his teenage children that he hadn't seen in years, and the thanks I got was for him to leave me for their mother less than a month into our marriage. He didn't want me and moved directly from our home to theirs, yet would call me up telling me what I was wearing earlier that day and what I'd been carrying in my hand. I never understood why he would stalk me when he didn't want me, honestly. All that poppin up stopped 2 months later when we had a confrontation here that ended with me kickin all the windows outta her car and him breaking my nose. I shouldna kicked those windows but he did bring her shit to my house and put his hands on me first, and I did warn him that I was bout to start kickin if he didn't get his hands off me. He said he was filing for divorce the next day (before he ran after punching me, that is...), but of course he wasn't man enough to pay for cleaning up his own mistakes. It took awhile, but eventually I got it taken care of, even though my jobs were sporadic. Rest assured, I also sought out some counseling and found out that I have Adult A.D.D., also... and that knowledge brought understanding as well. Surprisingly, I managed to come outta all that mess with a very nonchalant attitude towards men since I started dating again earlier this year. There was one dingbat, StupidAss, but he was the anomaly. The others were cool, but I enjoy my own company so much now that I can kinna take 'em or leave 'em. I thank God for being healthy and well-adjusted at that.

Backtracking for a moment, I have to ad that for 5 years, I was celibate... from the ages 28-32. During that time, my relationship with Christ became intimate and so real. He lifted my chin, restored my confidence, and taught me that my worth as a woman is above rubies. I am fearfully and wonderfully made, I open my mouth with wisdom now, and on my tongue is the law of kindness. I am truly His daughter, and with all the drama I've made it through, I recognize that my life is His and I accept the mantle that He's bestowed. I realize that the original plan of the enemy was to take me out with the asthma, but when that wasn't working he sent my mom's crazy ex into the picture. It's like he said to himself: "Why not kill her off with the asthma, but just in case that doesn't work... I'll send this demon to kill her mother, and if either of them live to tell it, this relationship will plant seeds to attract crazies to Shon when she's an adult??? I'll design it in layers... Eventually, she's gonna physically die or at the very least, she'll be emotionally dead or trickin in the streets, or smoked out and livin like this over top of her kids to sow those same seeds into the next generation!!! She'll never believe in a God she can't see!!! That oughta do it!!!" Ha!!! He was so wrong...

I look back and wonder how things may've been different if I'd known Him my whole life. It may've been easier and the pitfalls avoided, but who would I be? Would I have the same compassion for people who need a shoulder, people who've made mistakes and lived with shame & guilt, people who've been oppressed & depressed? Would I be as soulful if I didn't know His power and tangibly feel His touch, His voice in my spirit? Would I still know the power of His healing?? I seriously doubt it. What I've shared tonite is just the skeleton of the book I've promised to write about my life experiences, and how God has kept and lifted me throughout. Sometimes it's not where you're at that makes you, but where you've been and the experiences that have built your character. We've all fallen short at one time or another. All of you know that I'm quick with a cuss word at times, and that I do silly stuff like find and watch that Superhead video. Imma MESS!!! *lol* In spite of myself, I am still His child and I'll always be quick with a Word to encourage my kindred circle, anyone He brings past me. I've known His commission on my life and my purpose for a few years now, time I got back on that path. You never know... sometimes I might just be preaching to myself in the midst... I'm just grateful to still be here.

It's the weekend!!

2005-11-12T20:29:00.000-05:00

A resemblance I'd noticed a long time ago:

E. Lynn Harris & Jonathan Plummer

SEPARATED AT BIRTH???

Blah... That's a mess. I found a pic of E. Lynn with Jon & Terry on E.Lynn's site in the gallery when the separation was first made public, but it's been removed. Guess I was in dumbass mode when I saw it, coz I coulda sworn I saved that mug to blog on sometime. Don't they all live in ATL??? Couldn't stop wondering if E. Lynn may've been one of the players in Jonathan's "awakening", coz they all looked real cozy. Nothing would surprise me with all that craziness hanging out together, sheeeeeeeit... Anyway:

Yeahhhhhhhhh, the bday is finally here. I'm chillin at home, not doin shit but got a few bday e-cards and a buncha well-wishes sittin in my yahoo this afternoon when I got up so it's been lovely, honestly. Thanks and love to my homie Simply_Asia for sendin the new Floetry joint, that's mad hot. Yall needa check em out if you haven't heard it already. Best of all, my neighbor's friend got my car fixed, so A SISTA HAS WHEELS!!! Sheeeeeit, nothin more I really coulda asked for. Today I've been doin some fall cleaning round the house but tomorrow it's gonna be me and Monster.com, feel me? I'm so happy... *smile*. I'mma hit up this orientation/pre-screening for Southwest Airlines on the 22nd, too... Sheeeeeitttttt, lemme get a chance to fly all the time... I always need a getaway from the boys anyway. I love flyin, too.

I'mma be catchin up the blogs, too. Dee-Dee, hells yeah I read errybody's ish, you have no idea, *lol*. I'm too embarassed to say how many blogs I have saved and read on the daily... I'mma mess with that. I actually stayed up on a few tho, including yours, Robyn, Trent, Holiday, Crunk & Disorderly, Chubby, & Zed's. I always mention Zed's crazy ass coz his tales & musings make me laff somethin fierce. Worse, to be quite honest, his attitude about women and how he handles em reminds me so much of myself wif the fellaz, it's like reading bout a kindred spirit. Unfortunately, I only go there on gettin some azz bout once or twice a year tho... if I let my azz run my brain I'd be a HOT MESS THROWIN UP SPARKS, ya heard??? But lemme make this lil point ri quick in case anyone is wondering, NO... ZED IS NOT MY CRUSH, OK? His font just keeps me tickled, I've never talked to him at all. He's mad coo peeps tho, maybe we'll shit-chat sometime. Who knows? I love Yall, *lol*.

Anyhoo, I'm ova the crush. That's quick, huh? He'll figure it out tho, coz he reads this. He's MAD COO and I love his steez, but words aren't shit w/o action, and I'm not the one to just be blabberin wif somebody bout how much we diggin each other when he not callin or even hittin me up on yahoo here and there. I don't even like talkin on the phone, but actions always outweigh words, so there ya have it. Hopefully I'll stay his Boonopilis (the nickname he gave me), coz he's still my crush, but I can't be chasin folks. I'M SHON, DAMMIT... that's not even within me right now. *ugh* @ chasin, *lol* Hahahhahahhaaaaa... I love me some me.

Why are lil kids so damn GRIMY??? I spent 3.5 hrs goin thru my sons’ clothes, pullin stuff out from under the bunk bed, outta the closets… They even hid stuff behind dressers and shelves. Not only did they mix dirty clothes in with the clean stuff they hid, but I also came across chicken bones, dishware, utensils, cups, and half-eaten Hungry Man dinners. They shove all that stuff in the toy boxes. I went thru all the clothes and got rid of a 50-gal tub full that my younger one’s outgrown. My car trunk is jam-packed with stuff for the Salvation Army, and most of the designer stuff I saved for my pregnant girlfriend. Bob the Builder & Transformer sheet sets included. I’m not even done yet, but I just can’t get over how nasty lil boys are if you don’t keep ya foot up their azz constantly. I def have my control freak tendencies at times, but I don’t think things as simple as putting trash in the trash should be so damn difficult. Who wants to have to stay crackin the whip up in their own house? This crap has GOT TO get better… They have some serious work to do when they get home, believe that!!!

Grab Bag

2005-11-09T05:12:00.000-05:00

Tomorrow night my car should be fixed! Monster.com, here I comeeeeeee, Baby!! Bout time!!!

As for those LIPSSSSSSSSSSSSS… Lemme clear up any confusion. They belong to some cat I saw on a website, but Iono who he is. His face was posted too, and he’s not a celebrity. Real cute lil dude tho. I stole the pic (yeah, I said it!! *debil horns*) coz I gotta THANGGGGGGG bout LIPS. Sessy lips will have me in a daze, transfixed and mesmerized like a snake to the charmer. One of these days Imma write an ode to ‘em. Shaddup in advance, Zed!!

In other news…

“He says he’s really digging me
I don’t know what to say
I can’t imagine why I feel
So weak…” ~Erykah Badu~

I have a confession… I’m in super crush mode. Iono what it is bout dude, but he makes me smile with the most simple word. Then I end up blushin up some shit and feelin like I’m 12 yrs old or something. WTF??? *Ughhhhhh* That’s not cute. Guess my inner nerd is takin over. Speakin of nerd, I ordered some new glasses yesterday so I guess I’mma stay in full-effect-nerd mode for awhile longer. That’s coo tho, gotta dig the Incognegra effect, yanno???

Anyhoo, I have a lotta thoughts swirlin tonite, so I’mma go ahead and blast this gat…

Why did I already type this post once and Word lost it?

Why lightning hit my building and the thunder felt like a bomb blast?

Why I jerk da hayle outta my neck when it happened and the electric was out?

Why my neck keep hurtin more and more with every minute?

Why… only in the Land of the NERDS?

Why do certain “conscious” types always feel like they’re in a position to attack or debate someone else’s spirituality base?

Why, when no one is even bringing it up?

Why they try to force a discussion or debate?

Why they accuse you of being scared of their truth if you refuse to acquiesce to their manipulations?

Who gives a fugggggggg?

Since when does God need my defense?

And why mofos wanna holla bout cave-dwellers, but they still be tryna holla at me?

If you can’t respect that I’m the product of my bloodline, why you still wanna converse with me?

Why would you even care what I think about ANYTHING?

Why you ask to get up on my yahoo?

Why you care if we cool or not?

Why, seriously???

And why, if white folks are just some dumb malicious cave-dwellers… are they still in power and we stillllll can’t get our shit together?

Why you struggling for erry scrap so hard if you’re God?

Why you tryna educate me as if I have no knowledge?

Why was I an African Studies major for 2 years?

Why is that still my minor?

Why is my cave-dwellin mama into the same metaphysical shit you into?

How bout… I think yall silly as fukk for that?

How bout… I tangibly feel the Holy Spirit and that’s good for me?

How bout… been there, done that… and moved on???

How bout… your soapbox was 15-13 years ago for me?

How bout… I don’t care if you know that I live or wish that I died, I’ve got other oceans to swim and many fish to fry?

How bout… That’s that REALNESS ri there!!

Why did I find that video of Superhead vs. Mr. Marcus?

Why that heffa just fugg up the game for a lotta chicks?

Why some chicks I know say they saw that and gotta step up their game now???

Why???

Why they think they can keep a man with sexual tricks?

Why they make themselves the biggest trick in the equation thinking like that?

Why not put his azz on probation and make him earn the benefits after a training period?

How bout… Yeah, I SAID IT!!!

Why was I on yahoo with one of my girls while we were both watchin the vid, laffin our azzes off @ Superhead’s gangsta azz?

How bout she had Marcus looking like a ponk???

How bout my sides hurt from laffin so hard???

How bout I’on care that you know I downloaded that—I’m nosy!!!

How bout sue me if you’on like it???!!

Why are some of my closet female friends chicks I know from BP chat?

Why have they shown themselves to be real friends, tho?

How bout I’on care that they don’t live here… not like I hang out here, anyway...

Why do you always hear bout the crazy mofos on BP, but rarely any of the mad cool ones?

Why we turn out in the chat room so bad?

Why do I already have some Jose Cuervo margaritas, and some mango likka just waitin for my bday Sat nite?

Why will I prolly stay ri here and go straight clown in chat with my buddies?

Why do we all tend to do that when we drinkin?

Why they laff @ me so hard when I’m drunk???

Why do I just get that much sillier… and hyper???

Why did I run into an old co-worker, 27 yrs old, and preg with her 4th baby… 4th daddy?

Why that ish just hurt my heart so bad?

Why do I see her days of diapers and daycare never coming to an end?

Why she tell me the baby’s father just caught a $2.5 mil bond a week ago??

Why this cat kill somebody, bag up the body, and try to burn it up in a dumpster?

Why she has 2 baby fathers with life sentences???

Why if you met her, you’d probably think she’s a sweetheart, tho?

And why as long as I’ve known her, has she always really been exactly that?

Why don’t we learn from our mis-steps & mistakes?

Am I preaching to the choir?

Why my ex show up here the other day?

Why was I expecting that eventually coz I knew he was moving back to town?

Why he tell me he sat outside my apt for 2 hrs scared to knock?

Why, after 13 yrs off/on again… mostly off?

Why did we go to high school together even before that?

Why is his mother in her last stages of cancer ri now?

Why that hurt my heart too?

Why did she used to be assigned to take care of my grandmother in a nursing home years ago?

Why did my grandmother just pass away the end of May?

Why both of them in such a short time?

Why do I really wanna visit his moms before she’s gone?

Why is he my homie for life?

Why is there no goin backwards tho?

How bout coz I know in my gut that God has yet better for me… if I remain patient?

Why he run into my ex-husband across town already?

Why betta him than me?

Why my ex-huz couldn’t figure out who he was or why he was eye-fuggin him?

Why I think he wanna whoop dat trick for putting his hands on me 2 yrs ago?

Why in 13 yrs off/on, my ex never raised his hand to me?

Why I kick him in the mouth once with some Doc Martens the day after he had a root canal?

Why he chase me all the way back to our apartment?

Why did the fact that he didn’t strike back make me respect him in a way I hadn’t before?

Why da hell I flip out like that?

Why am I talking bout all the way back in ’92?

Why we laff about that shit now?

Why he says he deserved that ish at the time?

Why he the only person I ever lived with?

Why I still wish him the best tho?

Why he nickname me, “The Prototype”?

Why am I flattered bout that, but aint nothing changed?

Why can’t I ever get my daggone audio files to play on here?

Why Erykah, Jill, N’Dambi, and Jean Grae, and Fred Hammond been in heavy rotation?

Why is Jean Grae one of the tightest mcs in the game, male or female, ever???

Why she make me wanna Swing Blades???

Why am I several days behind on all yall’s blogs?

Why will I catch em up most this weekend at the latest?

Why one of my other chat buddies get sent to Pakistan for earthquake relief, from Japan?

Why I feel like callin in a favor behind that?

Why… “Dubya, is that you??? It’s Shon…”

*Whew*

Aiight… If ya made it through all that mess, you deserve a good laff. So here it is, check out ya boy. This is the funniest mess I’ve seen in a longggggggggg time…

He's Dead Serious, Too

Q^Qn...

2005-10-29T10:31:00.000-04:00

...*sigh*...

LawwwwwwwdaMercy...

A Font Full…

2005-10-29T03:59:00.000-04:00

WHAT THE LORD IS SAYING TODAY
Word from the Lord to Build Up, Encourage and Comfort
Ras Robinson

October 28, 2005. Pursue the dream. You have been through some difficult times in your life. And it has been necessary for me to bring discipline from time to time. And yet, you understand that it is for the very reason that I do love you that I must do this. But I am ready for that season to be over, aren't you? Listen to me, recall the dreams I gave you. Inquire of Me as to their meaning and timing. Times and seasons are so very important. Determine to walk in pinpoint obedience to My every word and you will find treasure chests of blessings wherever you do. I will open your eyes so that you can see them and your renewed mind so that you will have wisdom concerning them. It was Me who gave you the dreams. Pursue the dream.

Joel 2:28-29 "And it will come about after this that I will pour out My Spirit on all mankind; and your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions. And even on the male and female servants I will pour out My Spirit in those days."

-------------------------------------------------------------

FREE subscriptions to "What the Lord Is Saying Today" for friends and family. To SUBSCRIBE, send an e-mail to fullnessonline-subscribe@MyInJesus.com To UNSUBSCRIBE, send an e-mail to fullnessonline-unsubscribe@myinjesus.com

-------------------------------------------------------------

Wow... talk about bearing witness in my spirit. I sure needed that! Yesterday something happened that had me feelin so in the glumps, I couldn't figure out whether I wanted to cry or throw up. I threw on some gospel, got in my Word and He comforted my spirit to sleep. TODAY was a new day. All is well in my world!!!

Sorry I haven't been writing as much, there honestly hasn't been anything new to talk about. The weather has my body in shock or something and all I wanna do is sleep all day, be up all night. Insomnia is some crazy ish!!! Gotta get that straightened up this weekend tho coz I may start working some in the mornings later this week, too. Blah... they really need to create a position for me. Anyhoo, I'm soooooo glad it's the weekend and the kiddies are gone as usual, I'mma get some cleaning done and switch out the seasonal clothes in the closets. I swear, I really needa work on gettin outta the house but I end up so comfy here I don't do crap. My sons are gone erry weekend and I still stay home by myself. Crazy, huh? I really need to change that.

Ok... and is it just me or are there any other BUSTER MAGNETS out there?? Two days ago this thugmeister with a damn teardrop tat on his cheek was tryna holla, then some tall, scrawny, bobblehead Somalian at the corner store. Before that, his two co-workers, also Somalians... then some cat old enough to be my grandfather was at my job INFORMING ME that he's taking me to some steak house when it opens. He didn't ask... he TOLD me I'm going. Lmaooooooooo, that'll be the damn day... *ugh*. Then he proceeded to tell me bout how some other young lady questioned his motives, and he told her he doesn't expect anything for it, unless the young lady lets him know that she WANTS it. WTFFFFFFFFF??? Where do these people come from??? I swear... folks sure are thirsty these days, coz I know it's not just me. I'm not unattractive, but I'm damn sure not The #1 Stunner, either.

I need some cloves!!!

You know what... my 36th birthday is in 3 weeks and I'm kind of excited coz I just feel change in the air. Dunno what it is, but in 2006 I plan to relocate and finish up my book, at least. I'mma get out of the house, visit Philly to check out the landscape, and totally change our environment. I needa make some lil getaways happen!!! Chicago is def on the list coz there's someone there I def wanna see (Yeah, YOU if you're reading this, *lol*), and I gotta hang out with my girl, Dee-Dee !! Lawwwwwwd, I wish we were all in the same town coz I wanna do something fun for the b-day, hit the town and paint that mofo CHOCOLATE BROWNNNNNN, Baby!!! Choc Brown coz that's my favorite color, *lol*. It'd be a Hpnotiq-Frangelico-Kahlua-RemyRed-Absolut-ly freakin fabulous time... with some spoken word thrown in there, too. Gotta love the spoken word... Hell, if I get enough alcoholikka in the system, I might turn into Mc Sho. *lol* Gawwwwwd, I get silly as hell with some likka in the system, be rappin n shit... *lol*

Anyhoo, lemme show some peeps some love. My blog will never turn into a shout-out show, but I really need to say this.

Dee-Dee...Thanks for extending your hand of friendship, you're the shyznit and I'm so glad you know it!!! You're mad humble, but I see you and even more I see God's hand on you and it's a beautiful thing. You had me laffin like nobody's business!!! Hope I was able to cheer you up a lil with the LIPS rant and I'm so glad you called me. I recognize a sista in the Spirit and I hope we get to hang out sometime. Funny how we have all that stuff in common, huh... Who'd have guessed it???

Trent... my buddy and my FRIEND. You make me lafffffffff somethin fierce and I'm so humbled by your prayers and the fact that you're actually reading thru and commenting on the archives. Thanks for the shout-outs and the calls. I hope you stay in my life for years to come, coz I love watching you evolve. You really tickle me in so many ways... You got that fire. Keep being yourself, let others see more of what I see, and never forget that the sky is your limit. I love ya... You're not my gay play-cousin, but my brother. Choose your battles wisely and don't catch any bricks on ya way up, either, feel me?? You gonna bring it with “Banter”!!

I'll try to add more this weekend... maybe even some poetry if the muse rears her head. For any of you who like poetry, check out my archives from Jan-August. The pieces there will be in my book eventually.

*two fingaz*

lol

2005-10-25T19:43:00.000-04:00

Your Blogging Type Is Thoughtful and Considerate

You're a well liked, though underrated, blogger.

You have a heart of gold, and are likely to blog for a cause.

You're a peaceful blogger - no drama for you!

A good listener and friend, you tend to leave thoughtful comments for others.

What's Your Blogging Personality?

Hmmmmmm... I feel nekkid!!! Be back lata...

Introducing...

2005-10-23T02:36:00.000-04:00

Say What...? WTF???

I want to invite everyone to visit the blog I share with my best friend, ZenRei. This has gotta be my sister from another mother... We are soooooooo much alike, with common backgrounds. We're considering a book project or two, as well. We're some silly chicas, I swear!!! We started it up a few months ago and just moved it to a better host last week. Basically, we post when we run across people and situations that make us say hmmmmmmm... usually MEN. And before you read and think we're some bitter, lonely heffas, *lol*... just know that she is in a very happy and committed relationship with a great guy, and as for me... Ummmmmmmmmhhh... Y'all already know! I'm very happy in my singleness. It IS almost winter tho, and as another blogger reminded us all, big girls are in coz it's Snuggle Season!!! Maybe I should start taking applications??? *lol*

Anyhoo, check out our random rants and raves, and we hope you end up laffing as much as we do.

Last but far from least, my sons are thriving in the new school. They love it!!! The little one had an act-out day once the week before last and they had to call me to speak with him, but that's all. This week, he turned it all the way around and was named Student of the Week for his class!!! I'm soooooooo proud of my baby, can you see me smilin?? This is them after school one day:

God is good!!!

Exhaling

2005-10-23T01:38:00.000-04:00

Thanks to each of you who left comments and sent emails to check on me while I've been on hiatus. It wasn't intentional, but yanno how stuff goes... I got pretty busy and tired for a minute. Also tryna kick this respiratory infection, so my body is fightin itself right now. *ugh* I sound like Florida Evans!!!

Anyhoo, so much to tell about. Praise God, a sista got a job!!! It's part-time at a pizza shop across the parking lot from my apartment, but I'm not gonna even trip like it's not a blessing. I dont have to worry about transpo, and why ask for more with winter coming... plus the owners are really lovely people. They allow my sons to sit at a table and watch us while I'm working, so it's a lovely thing. She even offered to take me to the grocery store for some real groceries tomorrow, coz everything is ridiculously expensive at the corner stores around here and of course the choice is crap. They're an older Arabic couple, at that. The woman wears her head scarf, and the man does his salats 5x daily in the back room. I can dig it.

First nite I worked, I fell asleep in the bathtub, *lol*. My legs were vibrating from stayin on my feet runnin around for 5 hrs straight. I could have had a break, but honestly didn't even think about it. I started wearing my pedometer, and I average about 3.5 miles for every 3 hours I work. Glad I was walking 5 miles erry day earlier in the spring and summer. Honestly, I need to get back to that coz I lost 30 lbs doing that and my body felt really good. Helped a lot with the sleep patterns, too. Anyhoo, I'm thankful for the gig. I may still look for a more professional 9-5, but at the same time I may not coz I just don't want to deal with any other transpo issues during the winter time, nor do I want to hire someone to keep my sons for 2 hours. My plan is to save my income tax for relocation to Philly as soon as school is out for my babies this summer. I may even luck up and get my son's father's if they take his for the child support arrears. That'd be some poetic justice, huh??? *lol*

Another shocker, my son's father popped up and has already started the child support back up. He says it'll be paid erry Friday going forward, so we'll see. Car still sittin there tho, lol. No surprise there.

I'm so glad winter is coming coz the block is still crazy hot. Monday night, there was this huge BOOM and I told the friend I was chatting with that either a car had just backfired, or someone shot off a cannon. Within a minute, sirens. I look out the window and see the parking lot all lit up, ghetto bird flyin over with the quickness. This is right in front of the crib, my job, and the bank I quit earlier this year. I run outside in my bedroom slippers, kind of scared that the owners of the pizza shop may've been there late. I see a woman hysterically running back and forth between a police officer on a walkie-talkie and a body on the ground, on the other side of a car. The ambulance chaser in me wanted to get closer, to see the victim, but I didn't know where he was shot and I didn't wanna see brains spilled out. The man was alive, but in my gut I felt DEATH in the air. I walked back and forth, prayin in the Spirit but I couldn't kick the feeling of death in my gut.

By the end, there were 8 police cars, 3 ambulances, and a helicopter on the scene when they pulled out the yellow crime scene tape and roped it off. The ambulance left without the siren on, but with a police escort, lights blazing. The next day, I found out that the man, now identified as Mr. Samuel Williams, died in the hospital before daybreak. He was jumped, brutally beaten, and robbed by 4-6 teenagers after using the ATM. They only got $80 before shooting him in the back and leaving him for dead, right in front of his wife. Up until six years ago, this man had been jobless, strung out, and homeless. He'd overcome all that and was married with a wife and nice home. Reports say that he was the type of person who would have simply given the money if only asked. Aint nothin that serious, and dude was a humanitarian who gave back to his community after beating the odds. As of this time, none of the teenagers have been apprehended.

~ R.I.P Samuel Williams ~

I'll leave you with my thanks for all your prayers, encouragement, and support. Shout-outs and hugs especially to Dee-Dee, Robyn, Trent, Shawntel, Samirah, IBeAPoet, Erica (NamDiva), HolidayN, MsSassyPecan, Eric, Jamal, my Papisan Reignman, Myleik, DatHotChick, Chris McNeal (keep doin ya thing for God, I was definitely listening!), Evilpsy, and APhatsOne. All of you gave helped lift the clouds when I really needed it, and I thank you.

ugh

2005-10-10T20:40:00.000-04:00

Sorry it's taken so long to post but a sista's been in a major funk. Tryna keep my chin up but damn... seems like for every step forward, every blessing that comes, other things show up to steal or undercut it. I am sooooooo mentally tired right now, I feel like kicking cats and makin voodoo dolls just on G.P., *lol*. Blahhhhh... at least the THOUGHT makes me chuckle... or is that a *snicker*?

Nothing has changed... still no job, car still down, blahhhhh... and things around here are at a critical point. So much to do this week with dr. appts, applications, random errands, *ugh*. Got a call and email from a company to do a phone interview, but they're not on the busline so I'll hold off on them until the car is back up. I swear to Goddddddd, it does notttttttt make sense that my car has been down this long over such a simple repair. I have a Haynes book from Autozone and yeah, I tried to fix it myself... but the plunger in the caliper is frozen and my strength isn't enough to do the job. The four neighborhood busters that tried to change it couldn't either. One was pesterin me to death and I bought him a 40-oz. just to get da hell on somewhere... I mean seriously, I walked across the street for some WD-40, come back and this cat is on the job with the other one I do know. WTF is that??? And nooooooo... I don't need any company and nooooooo... I don't get lonely at nite. Even if I did, CRACKHEAD company couldn't begin to solve it, Capiche??? KICK ROCKS and get da fugg on somewhere!!!

My EX called Saturday morning and it was soooooooo good to hear his voice!!! It's funny, somethin bout dude makes me feel like a school girl. He's articulate, handsome, intelligent, upwardly mobile, athletic, and honest. We split coz he was dealing with some personal demons and didn't wanna drag me thru the dirt while he recovers (and no, he doesn't have a substance abuse issue, never has). It was amicable with no love lost on either side. This year has been mad rough for him also, but he sounded sooo good and healthy. I couldn't stop smiling into the phone and from his voice, neither could he. We made an agreement to keep in touch better going forward, so who knows... maybe we'll end up on a porch in our rocking chairs one day. We're in different places but a man who loves you, keeps you in the loop, shows you he cherishes you, and makes you feel protected is a beautiful thing. 2005 is pretty much a bust, but in 2006 we really need to make some visits happen.

Thanks to everyone who took the time to actually listen to Banned Wagon Music's tracks!!! To answer one of the questions... they're all from Liberia except for Hassan. They came here years ago to escape the war at home. Saga and Hassan went to a boarding school together in Senegal. I listened to Bizzy's new cd, "Speaking in Tongues" on AOL, and one of the tracks Kahnma sang on made the cut. You can download the cd here for the next few days. I don't care for "He Told Me," but her hook is the one thing that does sound good on this one. I'm kinna salty coz I really like his cd, and I wish she'd been featured on a better track! SMH @ this being the ONLY track I don't care for... The music overpowers the vocals, and the beats/production on this one is wack. Oh well!!! I hope being on his album opens some other opportunities coz that's what it's all about, right?? Do ya thing, Sis... opportunities are gonna come. The Word says that a man's gifts will make room for him...

Maybe I needa keep that in mind, too... coz no matter what it looks like, no matter the struggle... I know He's deposited some gifts in me and I knowwwwww His gifts are without repentance. Hmmmm... think I need a clove on that one.

Something Good I Received in an Email...

2005-10-08T02:16:00.000-04:00

A group of rapists and date rapists in prison were interviewed on what they look for in a potential victim and here are some interesting facts:

1. The first thing men look for in a potential victim is hairstyle. They are most likely to go after a woman with a ponytail, bun, braid or other hairstyle that can easily be grabbed. They are also likely to go after a woman with long hair. Women with short hair are not common targets.

2. The second thing men look for is clothing. They will look for women whose clothing is easy to remove quickly. Many of them carry scissors around to cut clothing.

3. They also look for women on their cell phone, searching through their purse or doing other activities while walking because they are off guard and can be easily overpowered.

4. The time of day men are most likely to attack and rape a woman is in the early morning, between 5 and 8:30 a.m.

5. The number one place women are abducted from/attacked at is grocery store parking lots. Number two is office parking lots/garages. Number three is public restrooms.

6. The thing about these men is that they are looking to grab a woman and quickly move her to a second location where they
don't have to worry about getting caught.

7. Only 2% said they carried weapons because rape carries a 3-5 year sentence, but rape with a weapon is 15-20 years.

8. If you put up any kind of a fight at all, they usually get discouraged because it only takes a minute or two for them to realize that going after you isn't worth it because it will be time-consuming.

9. These men said they would not pick on women who have umbrellas or other similar objects, in their hands, that can be used from a distance. Keys are not a deterrent because you have to get really close to the attacker to use them as a weapon. So, the idea is to convince these guys you're not worth the trouble.

10. Several defense mechanisms he taught us are: If someone is following behind you on a street or in a garage or with you in an elevator or stairwell, look them in the face and ask them a question, like what time is it, or make general small talk,.... I can't believe it is so cold out here; we're in for a bad winter. Now you've seen their face and could identify them in a line-up, and you lose appeal as a target.

11. If someone is coming toward you, hold out your hands in front of you and yell "Stop" or "Stay Back!" Most of the rapists this man talked to said they'd leave a woman alone if she yelled or showed that she would not be afraid to fight back. Again, they are looking for an EASY target.

12. If you carry pepper spray (this instructor was a huge advocate of it and carries it with him wherever he goes), yell, "I HAVE PEPPER SPRAY!" Holding it out will be a deterrent.

13. If someone grabs you, you can't beat them with strength but you can by outsmarting them. If you are grabbed around the waist from behind, pinch the attacker either under the arm between the elbow and arm pit or in the upper inner thigh -- HARD. (IF you can get ahold of him.) One woman in a class this guy taught told him she used the underarm pinch on a guy who was trying to date rape her, and she broke through the skin and tore out muscle strands so that the guy needed stitches. Try pinching yourself in those places as hard as you can stand; it REALLY Hurts.

14. After the initial hit, always go for the groin. I know from a particularly unfortunate experience that if you slap a guy's private parts it is extremely painful. You might think that you'll anger the guy and make him want to hurt you more but the thing these rapists told our instructor is that they want a woman who will not cause a lot of trouble. Start causing trouble, and he's out of there.

15. When the guy puts his hands up to you, grab his first two fingers and bend them back as far as possible with as much pressure pushing down on them as possible. The instructor did it to me without using much pressure, and I ended up on my knees and both knuckles cracked audibly.

16. Of course the things we always hear still apply. Always be aware of your surroundings, take someone with you if at all possible. If you see any odd behavior, don't dismiss it, go with your instincts. You may feel a little silly at the time, but you'd feel much worse if the guy really was trouble.

PLEASE READ THEN FORWARD TO EVERY WOMAN YOU KNOW----MOTHERS, GRANDMOTHERS, FRIENDS, DAUGHTERS, GRANDDAUGHTERS, RELATIVES, CO-WORKERS. IT'S SIMPLE STUFF BUT IT COULD SAVE THEIR LIVES.

SEND IT TO YOUR MEN FRIENDS TOO, SO THEY CAN SEND IT TO THEIR FEMALE FRIENDS AND RELATIVES

I saw a safety expert on Oprah's show, and he stresses that if someone gets in the car with you (EVEN WITH A GUN OR KNIFE) and tells you to drive somewhere, run into a wall, another car, a lamppost, something! He will more than likely jump out and run as fast as possible. If he ever gets you in a secluded area, you are DEAD!!!

Thank You

2005-10-05T14:53:00.000-04:00

Just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone who's continued to show the blog love while I've been underground this week. I have a lot going on, still tryna maintain, and a new opportunity dropped in my lap as well. I'll update tonite or tomorrow at the latest.

Showin Love...

2005-09-30T13:50:00.000-04:00

Aiight, today I wanna hip yall to a really talented and eclectic group that you probably haven't heard of yet... but I hope it's a just a matter of time. BANNED WAGON MUSIC is DOPEEEE. I met Kahnma, the young lady in the group, through her brother's urban arts board here online. Check that out too, if you love poetry and urban arts: www.vision2words.com. There's some nice writing over there, it's all love with everyone, and the visual arts in the gallery are dope, too. Anyhoo, Kahnma and I became fast friends after she invited me to their release party at a club here (which I ended up missing coz I threw my back out), but she later invited me to a cookout and it was all love. I was actually hangin out with her before I heard the cd. Once I heard it... I was blown away by their talent, seriously. Throught the Spring and Summer, Kahnma was my running buddy for the open mics and festivals here. They're now back in L.A., doin the damn thing... and I miss her!!! Before she left, she was laying down hooks for Bizzy Bone's cd that just came out a few days ago. I hope her tracks made the final selection. Her voice is even prettier in person, and so is she... the girl is SIMPLY GORGEOUS!!! I liked goin out with her coz she's a head-turner and all the attention was always on her, lol. Nobody bugged me!!! *lol*

My favorite track here is #12, "Overlook People." Hassan is a veryyyyyy talented spoken word artist and a helluva writer. It all translates on the mic, too... and his stage presence is amazing. I saw jaws drop when he stopped their show and dropped a spoken word piece that not only got the audience on their feet, but folks ran up on the stage to give him love and dapz. I love Hassan... he's the light-skinned brotha with the dreds... and we're gonna write a collabo. I'll be sure to post it whenever we get it done.

AIIGHT, CHECK 'EM OUT ... YOU`LL BE GLAD YOU DID!!! ORDERS, INFO, & TOUR DATES:

BANNED WAGON MUSIC

"CHOOSE YOUR ROCK" ...HAVE A LISTEN TO THE TRACKS:

Could This Be Love
Classic In The Key Of Love
Birds andBeez
Don`t Leave Yet
Buck `Em
Rebel Music
CHOOSE YOUR ROCK
Future
Floatin` Away
Overlook People
You`re A Star
Horizon
Joke Muh Ja
What`s That
Touch Ya Boots
It Was You
Bon Voyage

BIG UPS TO KAHNMA, HASSAN, SAGA, VERSE, and BUJARA!!!

Rain and Pour: the longest post ever

2005-09-28T23:58:00.000-04:00

Rain: The Storm

WOW. This has been the roughest week I can remember in some time. My older son was jumped on by another student on Monday, right in the middle of class. He noticed that the test he was turning in for his neighbor (with his own) had some answers blank, and stopped in his tracks as he walked to the teacher’s desk with both tests in hand. The other child accused him of trying to steal his BLANK answers, got out of his seat, and punched my son 3x in the ear before my son could even defend himself. Of course, the teacher hauled them both to the office and the other child was suspended, but do you think the school even gave me a call??? Of course not… they’re too ghetto. Now let that have been my lil terrorist son hitting another child and they’d have called my house, the cell, and the old job too had I not answered. They’re so janky, I hate ‘em.

So anyway, my son ends up being teased the rest of the day in class, wherever he went in the school, and it carried over the whole bus ride home. My lil son sees his big brother getting upset and starts telling the kids to shut up before his brother beats them up. He doesn’t hear Big Brother telling him to hush, until Big Brother snaps and chokes him. So in walk my 2 sons, both crying, telling me what happened. Older son has a nervous breakdown before my eyes, hyperventilating and all, trying to tell me he doesn’t even know why he choked his brother other than that he had such a horrible day. So I get him to take deep breaths until he can tell me about it. Once I hear it, I can do nothing but hold and comfort him, assuring him that the buck stops here. He apologizes to his brother and they exchange I love you’s with an embrace that made me proud. Normally they’re tryna kill each other, so that pic was worth a thousand words, feel me???

Later, I cried to my girlfriend on yahoo about it, how it does notttttt make sense for a 10-y.o. child to be coming home depressed, bullied, and not having even one friend in school. To be quite honest, I think my son is like a mark there because he was raised in church, was in a private Christian school in a church for kiddygarden and 1st grade, is articulate, and has manners. He also was taught not to fight unless necessary, and for a long time he wouldn’t defend himself. Hadda get Dad on the case about that last spring and now my son has a helluva jab, but the other kids haven’t seen it because he was with Dad all summer. I have no doubt that had the teacher not broken it up so quickly, all the teasing would be over coz that lil badass probably would be missing a tooth or 2.

Pour: The Blessings

So the next day, I keep them out and we go to a new community school that’s run by a church, yet still part of our public school system. They have openings!!! We spent the last 2 days getting them enrolled. Tomorrow will be their first day. The spirit of the environment and staff is warm and inviting. I never heard a teacher yelling at the students, like I did with the other school. They wear uniforms and the children are verrrrry orderly. They discipline with after-school detentions and Saturday school. This school is also more advanced, and the boys had to complete assessments to enroll. My older one tested into 5th grade as he should, but my younger one has to drop back to their more advanced kindergarden instead of 1st grade. The 1st graders in this school can already read. I’m not happy about the drop, but I already felt his school wasn’t teaching on an appropriate level. I’m confident my son will be able to read within the next 2-3 months. And don’t think that I haven’t tried to push him along on my end, coz I have. I find that with such elementary building blocks, I have a really, really hard time explaining things to him in a way that he can understand. Once he can at least read, I think I’ll be able to effectively do more. He’s actually very smart, but my explanations suck hot bricks, so once he has a lil more under his belt I’m confident that he’ll be back in the grade he’s supposed to be, even if it takes a year or more. My main qualm is telling his dad, coz he’s notttttttt gonna be happy that I switched him in the first place, so I can already hear his voice screaming.

Anyhoo, I come home yesterday, jump on yahoo and update my girlfriend. Told her they even gave me a letter to take to an agency that has provided uniforms for many of their students. A sista is maddd broke right now with no job, a car down, and inconsistent child support on one child. I won’t be ashamed, coz we all go thru sometimes. Keep telling myself that everything in Life is a SEASON… and just as seasons come, they have to GO!!! Well, my girl being the angel in disguise that she is, insists on purchasing the boys 2 uniforms apiece. Now lemme really make it clear why I call her an angel: this is a friend that I’ve known for about a year online. We’ve only met in person once, but I can’t waitttt to get back out east again to hang with her. My sons dug up old uniforms, and most pieces they have still fit the younger one at least. The older one came up with one. I told her we can make due with these until the agency gives us the vouchers in 2-3 wks. Still, she insisted on buying enough for them to have 3 complete uniforms in the meantime, including their ties, belts, and gym shoes. Then she calls me back afterwards and tells me that the change back was the exact amount of something else she knew I had to pay, so she was including that as well. She said she figures she has one heaven point locked in a chest somewhere, and this might earn her another one. Bwaaaaaahahahhahhahaaaaaaa, that nut!!! I swear, she had me cryin coz sometimes I wonder how I got blessed with such awesome and caring friends. It’s funny how the folks closest in your life are usually the ones who let you down, and the ones the farthest away will help you stand and hold things together. This isn’t the first time she’s done something like this for me either, and I am soooooo looking forward to the day that things are stable and caught up enough to be able to do something awesome for her, too. In the meantime, I thank and trust God to keep her, and multiply those blessings back to her until I can do something on my own.

We also have to purchase t-shirts with the school logo for their gym class, which I didn’t have the money for today. Bless the Lord, my son’s teacher and one of the administrators bought them each a shirt, and told me not to worry about it. Almost started crying right there. Trusttt, when I get a job, those men are gonna get that money back, even though they didn’t do it with expectations. They did it because they knew I’m presently unemployed, and I asked if the boys could wear plain white t-shirts for gym until I get the next child support check. I pray for those blessings to be multiplied back to these men, as well… And on a side note, my 5th grader will only have 14 other kids in his class, with 2 teachers… both male. How cool is that???!! He excelled under a male teacher before, so I’m super happy.

Next, it turns out that the school is in dire need of an administrative assistant/secretary. The first one they had transferred to a middle school the 2nd week of school. They narrowed the search to 3 good candidates, and one fell through already. Presently, they’ve pulled a teacher from the class rotation and have him working in the office until they decide between the other 2, who both have to give 2-week notices upon an offer. He had me bring my resume and references, printed them for me, and said he will be keeping me in prayer for the job, no matter what it looks like right now. Then I ran into another employee, who turns out to be a high school friend I haven’t seen in years. Lastly, another employee is the wife of a pastor whose ministry I sat in for a season. She said they’ve kept us in their prayers since they saw us last. Both old friends will be praying that the door opens for that job to be mine. Working there would have me close to the boys all day, on the same schedule as them, and negate the need for childcare. It’s not far from home, on the busline until the car gets fixed, and maybe a 10-minute drive once my wheels are back. I’d also prayed awhile back to work with a church again, or in a school office. I hope this is my blessing... Please keep a sista in prayer on this, aiight??? *Hugs and thanks to each one of you in advance*

Next, my son’s counselor told me that because my income is so low right now, she wants to make a referral to a program here that provides furniture. I have furniture, *lol*. NICE furniture, at that. I wasn’t always broke, believe that, *lol*. What I don’t have right now is a mattress for my older son’s bunk, coz my lil terrorist tore all the stuffing out of his brother’s while I’ve been out of work. So they share a bunk, which means that they punch and kick each other instead of going to sleep when they’re supposed to. I also just gave away my entertainment stand in the living room because it was so big, it completely limited how I could arrange things in my last 4 apartments. I was sickkkk of it!! Yanno scorps gotta change stuff all the time, *lol*. So tomorrow she will be making a referral for the boys to get new mattresses, most likely an entertainment stand, and a few lamps. PRAISE GOD!!!

Lastly, I’ve had an unresolved legal issue hanging over me for almost 2 years now. I got a hookup with an attorney’s office, and the case was filed for me Friday. Got the copy in the mail today. Not only are they doing it pro bono, but they also petitioned the court for my filing fee to be waived. The case being successfully filed Friday means that the waiver was approved, too. Again, PRAISE GOD!!!

Now… you may be thinking to yourself, “I can’t believe this chick just told all her business like that!!!” Trust, this isn’t all of it. 2005 has been one struggle, one false start after another. The Word says, “We overcome by the blood of the Lamb, and the WORD OF OUR TESTIMONY.” So yes, I’m telling it coz in the midst of the storm, I still have to give God his glory. As flawed as I am, inside there is still a heart that beats for God. Yall have noooooo idea the struggles I’ve seen in different seasons. There’ve been times of amazing feast and times of famine. I never thought I’d again see a year where things were so rough, but through it all, God has provided. A year ago, my engine blew on the freeway while I was looking for a job. Long story short, the car was towed and eventually trashed by the city. Two months later, I had an encounter with someone through my sons’ school who met me once and decided she wanted to see my get back on my feet. A week later she calls and asks permission to adopt our family for Christmas. Gratefully, I accepted, because Christmas was 3.5 weeks away and no job offer was on my horizon. My sons have been raised to understand the true reason we celebrate CHRISTmas, but of course they’re children and still expect gifts. She calls me the week before the holiday, informing me that not only had she and her brother purchased gifts for the children, but they had a surprise for me as well. Her brother works in advertising and PR, and had a lotta connects. They’d called around and found a car dealership that was willing to DONATE a car to me in exchange for some free publicity on the most popular radio station here. Not only did they let him pick out the car himself, but he in turn gave me $500 to pay up the insurance. She picked me up the Monday before Christmas, drove me to the dealership, and I found that the dealership, also had bought Christmas for the children. I drove home in my new ’97 Ford Taurus, silver, fully-loaded with a sunroof, and a trunk full of toys and school supplies. It’s gorgeous and I couldn’t believe it could be that clean and still used. They even took care of the taxes on the car, and the title was in my hand in less than a week. While I was there, a man from a towing company came with 4 vouchers for free tows, gasoline fill-ups, etc., to bless us if any emergencies occur. PRAISEEEEEEEEE GOD!!! For each blessing, I’ve asked God to multiply it back to every person who played a part.

So yesssssssss… I will tell it. I will shout it from the mountaintops, that no matter whattt your condition, it does not dictate your POSITION before God. Somebody betta hear me… He is AWESOME!!! I’ve never had a day that I felt a need to steal, trick out, or compromise my integrity as a woman to provide for my sons. I’m not on public assistance, either. We’ve never gone a day without food, never had a utility cut off, never been without nice clothing. When I catch the bus, my student ID serves as a bus pass, so I don’t pay for that either… even though I’m not even in school. Sometimes we get so focused on wants, it can be easy to lose sight of all the ways that He’s truly paving the way. I’m sharing because the way He takes care of me, He will provide for others. He's no respecter of persons... If you’re in need of anything, pour your heart out to Him in prayer. Believe for it and thank Him in advance. Wait with expectancy… Your blessing may not be the same as mine, but it will be on-point, and probably more than you’d hoped for… Never limit your blessings!!! Never limit God!!!

Today I am encouraged, despite the struggle. I hope my testimony will be an encouragement to someone who needs it. We ALL do at times. My prayer now is to get my brake fixed, and to land a job soon. And I just believe in God’s lovingkindness enough to ask for one that I’ll enjoy, where I can grow/advance, and where the stress will nottttttt be commensurate with the paycheck. Amen??? I can believe on His promises for things that may seem crazy to others, but I guess that’s why it’s called the Gift of Faith. One thing He’s shown me time and time again…

When the troubles RAIN… His blessings POUR!!!

Emancipation (Breathe)

2005-09-22T03:23:00.000-04:00

R. and Andrea "Babygirl" Kelly with singer Deborah Cox

I'm sure by now most of us have heard about Andrea Kelly filing for an emergency protective order against her husband, R. Kelly. (If you haven't read about it yet, check this out: R. KELLY’S WIFE GRANTED RESTRAINING ORDER: Mrs. Kelly cites abuse, harassment and stalking; wants no further contact ‘at all, by any means.’ ) This comes as no surprise because I've been wondering about Babygirl for years. I knew she was a dancer on his Bump & Grind Tour, and that they married in 1997. Knew about 2 of the 3 children. But how could the wife of a celebrity NEVER be seen? Every time I thought about her, everything in my gut cried out that this woman was basically a prisoner in a whole lot of trouble. If I remember correctly, I think I actually even prayed for her at one point.

I think this pic tells the story. This sister is in her early thirties, which is really like the new twenties. Yes, she's smiling but the sadness shows through more. She looks altogether beat down by life. Look closer... what kind of man would take his wife to a dressy event with some doo-rag on her head??? And those janky looking earrings??? Even a sista who normally doesn't wear makeup would wear it to a dressy event, famous husband or not. There's nooooooooo way Babygirl wasn't feeling out of place looking like this. His bitch-ass is dressed up, right? Even his glasses are coordinated. Only a man with some serious control issues would allow his wife to accompany him to a place that everyone is looking fabulous, looking any less. That's some sick and calculated shit. Is he scared somebody else gonna look at his stuff??? Check out that grip... it really doesn't look affectionate. More like control ...

We were talking about this in chat this morning and one of the fellas there actually knew a lot of background on this situation too. His ex was a dancer on that same tour with Babygirl, and remained friends with her for years. Basically, what I got from him was that she got involved with R. when she was 21. He got control of her mind from the beginning, and kept her off balance enough to mess with her self-esteem. Supposedly she was the chick he kept around after he was bored with the groupies and basically dealt with her last. Out of this, Andrea became the inspiration for his song, "Homey Lover Friend." She catered to him, even though he mentally abused her the whole time. She was warned about his behavior and what her life with him would be like in '96, but still married him in '97. How many people who are in love ever listen? We've all been guilty on that one. Unfortunately, what it meant for Andrea is that she basically lived the next 8 years as an invisible person.

I'm sure I wasn't the only one who wondered where Robert's wife was when the sex videos came out. For a celebrity in a jam, one of the first things the attorneys do is make sure the wife is trotted out alongside him at each media opportunity until things blow over. Think Kobe & Vanessa. No matter her personal feelings, she still made her support of him known by her presence. Media images are POWERFUL. Whether we thought Vanessa was crazy to stay or simply an opportunistic gold digger, we all knew she was gonna be at his side for the ride. I can respect that, coz marriage isn't easy by any means, much less with her husband's infidelity and legal issues slapping her in the face at every turn. But WHERE was Andrea after Robert's transgressions were made public? Where was she when he was interviewed by Ed Gordon on BET, with Rev. Meeks at his side in support??? Why wasn't she at his court appearances, or any of the award shows and appearances? That speaks volumes to me... I bet she wasn't allowed to be there. Celebrity wives have to be able to smile for the camera, issue statements thru the publicists, and play their position. Plus she'd been a dancer, so that means she's able to perform when necessary. I can't think of any other logical explanation for such silence other than him keeping her that way. Hell, a publicist could have concocted one "from" her but even that didn't happen.

I'm dedicating this post to the Emancipation of Andrea. I've given background because I think she's truly lost a significant portion of her life as a virtual prisoner in her own home. Let me also state that I do not think I'm an amateur psychologist. Everything I've noted can be documented now or in time as this situation goes forward. I remember hearing about letters her family wrote to Chicago newspapers years ago asking for help to reach her. She's originally from Chicago also, but once she married, the family was cut off. For her to seek help from the authorities, something very drastic has happened. I hope he hasn't done anything sick to their children. As ugly as the truth may be, the beauty in her coming forward is that no matter what, she wins. Details will come out and now the eye will be back on him again. Her path is clear to start a new life with her children and reconnect with her family. Even if her allegations are ever proven, the fact remains that she obviously saw an out and ran for her life. Here's to hoping that she doesn't get fooled into believing that he's repented, AGAIN... and that she will seek counseling for herself and the children. Life is too short to be someone's punching bag... God has better for each of us!!!

Keep runnin, Sis... there's a whole world waiting for you to get ya BREATHE on.

Rambling

2005-09-19T02:35:00.000-04:00

Pleased to say that I finally went on Monster tonite and found a good 15 or more jobs to save to my file. I'll start applying tomorrow, just too tired right now. I need to lay it down soon, but it's soooo hard coz Son #2 has his weekly counseling appt. on Monday mornings, and they'll cut him from the program if I miss 3 sessions. I totally overslept and missed our very first one, so I can't afford to screw it up. Finally, found a program that's taking his issues seriously. My son tends to be very disruptive and will shut down his classrooms like it's nothin. He got expelled from 2 Head Start programs, and suspended 4x the last 2 months of kindergarden last year. They wouldn't even let him come back the last 9 days of school. So far this year, he's been pretty good, but ya never know when he's gonna go da hell off, even with his medication. He's first on the waiting list for a special school here that handles kids with behavioral disorders. It's run by a psychiatric agency, and staffed by psychiatrists, psychologists, and counselors on top of the educators. At every time during the day, the kids are hands-on with a psychology professional, so no matter when/where they have a flip-out, there's a professional right there to address it and help them find more constructive ways to express their feelings. Hopefully, it'll be a blessing for him to be there coz there's plenty of times I can't handle his lil tail either. When a relationship goes bad because someone has issues that you can't deal with, you can always walk away. But what do you do when it's your child, and you love them with all your heart??? You manage the best you can and seek out all the help and support that's available.

This A.D.H.D. stuff is no joke and it runs really deep in my family. My mother and both sons have it, and I have the A.D.D., too. Thank God I'm not hyper, too. It's funny... some children grow out of it, so I hold hope that my sons will in time. My mother didn't, and me on the other hand, mine actually only started showing it's head in the last 4 years or less. I used to think my mom was crazy when she'd tell me she thought I had it too, until I read an in-depth article about it in Time or Newsweek last year. It was like looking in a mirror and a real wakeup call. I got myself tested and yeah, I have it, too. In a way it was a relief, coz I look back on a lot of projects I started without finishing, and used to get really upset with myself. Always been a perfectionist. So it took a lot of disappointment off of my shoulders to know that yesssssss... there was something else going on with me other than just being a slacker. Adult A.D.D is very different than it is in children, so who knew??

But WAIT... See how I just did that??? How I rambled off from my original thought about the jobs? THAT my friends, is typical of Adult A.D.D.... Our minds tend to jump around like crazy. *sigh... Relax, Relate, Release*

Anyhoo, I'm kind of excited coz last time I checked on Monster (bout 2 wks ago), there were no entry-level tech support positions in my area. Not that I have to do tech support, but that was the job I just lost and I actually liked it. I'm soooo addicted to the internet and computers, they're perfect platforms to keep my attention. I also dug that I could wear anything to work and it was really low-stress. My babies keep me stressed enough at home... don't need it at work, too. My neighbor called her brother-in-law and left a message that she needs him to come fix her (my) brakes, so hopefully that problem will be solved within a few days. Once I'm up and running again, I can get out and apply other places. I may even stop by human resources for the company I just left and find out whether they'd consider me for rehire. It's not as if I wasn't doing a good job there, not as if I wasn't blowin up overtime almost every day, or anything else crazy. I just couldn't get there w/o a car. The office was 20 miles each way, and several miles off the buslines. I did call off every day until I was past the point where their policy states that they require a doctor's excuse to return. Still have the reference #s for the calls, too... so maybe they'll consider. Who knows... stranger things have happened.

In the meantime, in a few hours I have to get my older one off to school, feed the younger one and get him to his counselor. I'm not prideful bout catchin buses at all, but they just make everything take entirely too long. Driving him to her would take maybe 10 minutes, even with the city traffic. Bussing it will be about 45-50 mins coz we have to xfer. The appt. will take about an hour, then we have a good hour more to get him to school... again, coz of xfers. Then I have to xfer 2 more times to get home. Good grief... Why can't I live somewhere with subways?? I swearrrrrrrrr... Whateva job I find, I hope nothing crazy happens again so I can get settled in, save up my dough, and move to Philly. Canada's a thought, too. Ohio's gotta be the other armpit of the nation, I swear. *Ugh*

And speaking of armpits, my ex keeps buggin me bout giving him a second chance. Not that he's an armpit per se, but he'd definitely an ASS. He's loudly obnoxious, unattractive, and negative. Not sure wtf I was thinkin, but I guess I got attached to the artist in him, not the overall person. Anyhoo, that's water under the bridge, but he keeps hittin me up on messenger talking about how he misses and dreams about me all the time. *ugh* Stop that!!! Get da hell over it and keep it movin... I did!!! The crazy thing about this cat is that he acts sooooooo hard... yet he can't sleep w/o his mickey mouse pillow from childhood and rocks himself back and forth to sleep. Hell, he rocks in public. I was like, WTFFFFFF??? When I asked wth all that's about, his reply: "I got bad nerves." No shittttttt.... but you HARD, huh??? *double ugh with eye rollage* I left him a really hateful, shitty message in his yahoo this evening, so hopefully he'll just drop a cuss-out in mine and negate all future thoughts of me. At least he's not here, so he can't bug me as much as he'd probably like. He's too broke to just pop up, so yanno... I'm good.

Oh yeah... there's also a House Manager position available at a domestic violence shelter here, and I really want that job. I'll type up the cover letter and get my resume in the mail for that tomorrow. Domestic violence is an issue that's close to my heart, coz my mother was trapped in a relationship like that from the time I was 5-16 years old. When I say trapped, I mean, trappppped... She actually took me and everything she could fit in our car once and drove to California to relocate. You'd think that would be enough, right? It wasn't... ole boy had hired a private investigator to find us, and he'd tracked us by my mother's credit card usage. This was before the anti-stalking laws, but truthfully... I can't see that they help much. Finally, some other chick supposedly came up pregnant by him, which magically distracted him long enough to get outta dodge without him following. That's how we ended up in Ohio. Nineteen years has been too long for me, it's past time to go. In the meantime, I'll apply for this job and pray that wherever God wants to place me, it'll be somewhere that the work of my hands can actually help people. I'll ask for something that will bless me with the means to get up out of Ohio forever, in the next year. Nothing more rewarding than that.

The Million Dollar Question

2005-09-18T13:48:00.000-04:00

The other day I was runnin my font with this thirsty cat I know from chat, and he posed a question that's really had me thinking ever since.

What is it that you want out of Life?

It was kind of outta left field, and I didn't answer. Partly coz it's none of his business, but moreso because... My mind went totally blank. I felt like a dumbass, seriously. Even tho I'm far from one, it's been a rough year and I've been too overwhelmed just tryna keep the wheels on my life to give it much thought. Hemingway, *ghetto head nod to Eric G.*, the question has been weighing on my mind.

Like everyone else, I want to be happy. I don't need riches, fame, or attention. I want a peaceful life, with happy Son #1 and Son #2. I want them to outgrow the A.D.H.D. and have successful, prosperous and happy lives. I want to lose the other 50 lbs. this year, be a blessing, and be blessed. In time, I want to get married again, even... coz honestly, I've technically been married, but I never had a real marriage... so I don't feel like I ever experienced it. I want to travel and have good times with friends in other places.

I want a job that's something I'd enjoy doing for free. I want the money to pay back the financial aid I owe to regain eligibility, so I can finish my degrees. Yes, I said plural. My Bachelors in Communications with minors in Business and African American Studies at Ohio State University, and my Associates in Interactive Multimedia Technology at Columbus State Community College. Hell, I want my child support arrears!!! That'd change everything around. I want some stability with work and a job that's not stressful. I want to be able to save and invest, and ability to support my mother in her retirement so she can just relax. I want to open a bookstore with a laundrymat and cybercafe, with open mic and live jazz nites. I have plans for a street marketing company as well. I want to work for myself and reap the harvest of my labors.

I want to write and publish volumes of poetry, the story of my life, and my pastor's biography. Get back on my game spiritually, and let His anointing flow everywhere it's supposed to... I want to flow in the Spirit the way I was before the marriage broke mine. After 9 months, I finally got back to my normal self, except for spiritually. I know God is waiting... and my spirit is stirring. I'm still not really ready, but the day isn't far off that I'll reach and grope for the walk I had before. There's no testimony without tests and trials, no harvest without sowing. The safest place to be in the world is in God's Will... it's high time I got back there.

Lastly, I want to be in love and loved the same. I want to be equally yoked, cherished, and for him to be my best friend. I want creativity, mental intimacy, and laughter. Someone who sees me, has common goals and interests, and a lot of integrity. I want him to be protective, but allow me my space at the same time. I hate being smothered, coz normally... that's a trust issue. My word has always been my bond. I want him to have a love and thirst for God, able to speak a word in due season, without leaving a person feel judged or smacked down. That's a gift, but one that I possess, and our steez's should compliment each other, yanno. Lol... and I admit it... I want some sessy lips, pretty eyes, and sessy arms in a chocolate package. What???!!

Yanno, I don't think I'm askin for the world. Matter of fact, I haven't been asking at all. And maybe, therein lies the conflict...

Moving On...

2005-09-16T03:17:00.000-04:00

Ok... I know it's been a minute but a sista's been undaground... Quick update:

For the 3rd time this year, I'm jobless. B just totally left me hangin on the brakes. Consequently, I missed too many days in a row and they let me go. The most fugged up thing is... I'd only had the job since 7/25, and I really liked it. I could bitch, moan, and throw fits, but I'mma just let God handle this one. The Word says that a man who doesn't take care of his own, especially those of his own house, has denied the faith and is worse than an infidel (1 Tim. 5:8). Well, I may not be his, but our son sure is... and Mama needs her job to put food on his table, coz ummmmmhhh... you still owe me $18k in child support arrears. Not that I say ish about it, but yanno... that's a lotta meals he never helped with. How bout when I worked overtime for 2 yrs straight to keep him in the private Christian school??? Mm hmmm... all I needed was your muscle on the brakes... mais, telle est la vie. Too bad my baby is missin his daddy... I don't even know what to say about that.

I have to start job-hunting again this weekend. I've been seriously slackin but the truth is, that shit is just too draining and depressing. I mean, damn... wasn't I just goin thru this 6-7 weeks ago??? I thought I could exhale, yet here I am again... shoulders all tensed up and achin again. Imma call Omar and see if he has time to do this brake for me, and I'll be glad to pay him. Omar used to be my neighbor and I'm real cool with his mom. He's a youngun... just started community college down the street with their mechanics program. He saw me one day and offered to change the oil for me for free, coz he's just that kind of sweet kid. He cut Mackenzie's hair for me before, too. Real nice kid. Anyhoo, at this point I'd rather offer him the chance to make some money, and I'll make sure it's a fair compensation. A blessing for a blessing, yanno???

Okkkkk... So today a friend hits me up online and tells me that her man has left her. We'd spoken on it before, coz dude is in Iraq and he just totally disconnected. Thing that hurts me is how he did this shit. Thissssssss bitch-ass dude came home from Iraq yesterday and didn't even tell her. She found out from other people. Make it worse, he had someone drop him off at the bus station, supposedly heading to his mother's home in another state, yet Mama hasn't heard from him and knew nothing about it. Two days later, and still no sign of him. So my friend is torn upppppppppp. On top of that, he's left her hangin on his portion of the house payment. This is a woman who's held this man and his children downnnnnnnnn, okay??? She's an online friend of mine, but I've met her in person and she has such a beautiful spirit that she literally glows. You can see the Spirit of God all over her. I can only shake my damn head at what a stupid fukk ole dude is... prolly left for a hoodrat broad. Isn't that how it normally goes???

When did it become so acceptable in our community for men to be so bitch-made, so lacking in character and integrity... so... utterly triflin'??? And yet "men" still askin me every day why I'm single and not dating... look around Bruh, look around. Our women's pain is flowing over like the levee in N'awleans... and it takes more than a bandaid to fix it. Where are the builders at??? I scream this question and echoes are my only response...

Going forward, I'll be there anytime she needs a shoulder. That's what friends are for, right? Aren't we our brother's/sister's keepers??? I know I am... and my friends have been mine. I thank God for them every day, coz I've had some rough times. Maybe one day I'll write about 'em... I'ono. Have to pray on that one. In the meantime, if you're reading this and you have a spiritual life, please keep my friend in your prayers, for comfort and strength to keep it movin' beyond the pain.

Weeping may endure for a night, but... It doesn't have to...

*Thanks in Advance*

80 Things Every Grown Woman Should Know & Think About ( +1)

2005-09-08T06:02:00.000-04:00

1. If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away. If he doesn't want you, nothing can make him stay.
2. Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
3. If you have ANY doubt in your mind about a man's character, leave him alone.
4. Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
5. Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that's not meant to be.
6. Don't force an attraction.
7. Slower is better.
8. Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
9. If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve, then heck no you can't "be friends." A friend wouldn't mistreat a friend.
10. Have faith in God regarding your relationship, but don't let faith make you stupid. God does things decent and in order.
11. Don't settle.
12. If you feel like he is stringing you along... he probably is.
13. If he keeps changing his mind about the relationship-take that as a BIG sign that he is unstable. Do you really want to be with a man like that?
14. Don't stay because you think "it will get better." You'll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
15. Honorable men take care of their business and aren't involved in a whole lot of mess.
16. The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
17. There's only one 'reason' a man dumps you; he doesn't want you.
18. Avoid men who've got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women. He didn't marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
19. You really do have to kiss a few frogs before finding the prince.
20. Always put yourself and your happiness first.
21. Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
22. Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
23. Like from the show, "Sex and the City", if he doesn't call, he just isn't that interested.
24. Be honest and up-front.
25. Know when to cut the cord, don't be strung along.
26. Don't fall for the "I'm confused role". Remove yourself from the situation to let him figure things out (but don't wait for him, move on.)
27. If you want to have a clue as to how he will treat you, watch how he treats the WOMEN in his family (not just mom).
28. There's more than physical abuse, there's emotional and mental abuse. If he causes any of them... flee.
29. You cannot change a man's behaviors. Change comes from within.
30. Don't let him place rules on you that he is not willing to follow himself -- double-standard.
31. Don't EVER make him feel he is more important than you are...even if he has more education or in a better job.
32. Do not make him into a quasi-god. He is a man, nothing more, nothing less.
33. Demand respect and if he can't give it, he can't have you!
34. Don't compete with other women, but be aware that men are attracted to what they see.
35. If you think he is cheating, he probably is. Confront him right away and if you feel he's lying, let him go.
36. Actions speak louder than words.
37. Never let a man define who you are.
38. Never rely on a man for compliments; look to yourself for that.
39. Never borrow someone else's man!!!
40. If he cheated with you, he'll cheat on you.
41. Just because he says he loves you, doesn't mean that he won't hurt you and it doesn't mean that you are meant to be with him.
42. To use painful hard-won wisdom: 'get it right' the next time.
43.Know that you deserve to be the number one person in the life of the #1 person in your life.
44. Love is a VERB.
45. Learn to give up your lifelong task of trying to make someone unavailable- available, someone ungiving- giving, and someone unloving- loving.
46. A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
47. All men are NOT dogs.
48. You should not be the one doing all the bending...compromise is a two way street.
49. If you don't love self...you can't love anyone else.
50. You cannot mend someone else's broken heart
51. You need time to heal between relationships...there is nothing cute about baggage...deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship.
52. You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you...a relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals...look for someone complimentary...not supplementary.
53. Dating is fun...even if he doesn't turn out to be Mr. Right.
54.NEVER give more in a relationship than you are getting out of it.
55. Never become your man's "therapist".
56. When actions and words conflict, believe the actions. Respond to the actions.
57. A real healthy relation ship requires two people. One person can mend it, but it takes two to make it work.
58. Don't fall for the "I'm not the loving type"...when a man loves you there is nothing in this world (within reason) that he wouldn't do for you.
59. Make him miss you sometimes...when a man always knows where you are, and you're always readily available to him... he takes it for granted.
60. Give him his space...let him go out with his boys, don't pressure him to spend time with you. You cant force a man to hang out with you.
61. If you wouldn't allow your daughter to be with him you shouldn't.
62. Never let a man know everything. He will use it against you later.
63. Never move into his mother's house.
64. Provide financially for yourself and don't depend on anyone.
65. Never co-sign for a man.
66. Never believe you have the perfect guy and he is so innocent.
67. Never spoil your man; let him spoil you.
68. Never let a man mess up your credit.
69. When it's time to let go, let go.
70. Good men should be treated like good men.
71. Don't play games.
72. You can't make a whore into a housewife - or a husband.
73. Don't fully commit to a man who doesn't give you everything that you need. Keep him in your radar but get to know others.
74. Compatibility in terms of educational attainment, values,beliefs, personal and career goals, and socioeconomic status, are important.
75. Never date a guy who wears colored contacts
76. Never believe a man who says "that's just my baby momma." You can be sure... there'll be drama.
77. Never believe a man that tells you he wants to be with you, while he's with someone else. If he wanted to be with you, he would make it happen... more sooner than later.
78. Don't be a man's door mat! Make him open the door for you, because a real man would do this on his own.
79. Dealings with a married man, most likely won't work out in your favor.
80. There is someone out there worthy to be in your life, let out the trash so he can come in.

Damn, isn't most of this just common sense??? Oops, forgot... Common sense isn't COMMON. Like this one, for instance: "39. Never borrow someone else's man!!!" Duhhhhhhh. Damn shame that even needs to be mentioned. I have one I wanna add, too:

81. Don't sow anything you're not prepared to REAP!!!

Sacrifice...

2005-09-08T01:07:00.000-04:00

Tomorrow my Moms celebrates 57 years of life. While I have *yet* to pick up her card or gift, I want to give her a lil something more substantive this year, any-ole-way. I'm a true scorp... I realize there are things that need to be put out there, and I probably shoulda said them a long time ago, so here's to YOU...

Mom...

Simply put, you are my (S)Hero. I mean that from the bottom of my heart. My words may not always show it, I know I'm often short and bitchy or even aloof, but that's my personal funk and nothing directed at you. If I could re-choose a parent with the benefit of retrospect, I'd always choose you. With an adult perspective, I've reflected a thousand times on the richness of the life you gave me coming up, the things you did to teach me responsibility, and how your life could've been so much easier had you chosen the road-most-travelled way back when. There was never a time I felt unwanted, unloved, or that I wasn't encouraged with the mantra that I was intelligent and gifted enough to be whom- or whatever I wanted to be in life. I'm so grateful for so many things, I really need you to know just what's in my heart. Please bear with me...

I remember a lotta stuff you told me about the persecution you and Dad experienced in the late 60's/early 70's. The police stops, the "patriotic" letter to Nana & Ern, getting suspended from your job when they found out you were pregnant and not married. You stuck with a marriage that was Hell for years. I see reunions on talk shows all the time where a young white woman gave up her mixed child for adoption, knowing they'd all be crucified by society if she kept it. Every time I see one of those reunions, I can't help but think, "There but for the Grace of God, go I." I know it had to hurt like all hell when half your family basically disowned you because of us. I'm also sure you got a lotta snide comments from a lotta ignorant people. There were so many rednecks around... But know this... I SEE THE SACRIFICE, THE LOVE, THE UNSELFISHNESS, and I'm so damn humbled by the person that you've always been. Everything of substance in my character came directly from you or your nurture. My kindness, thoughtfulness, compassion, my depth, my writing ability, creativity, everything... It's all you. Every bit of it. And while I'm on it... thanks for my smile, coz that's all YOU... Thanks for my thick legs and this hair on my head, *lol*. Thanks for the cheek bones, too.

Until we came to Columbus, life was unstable and chaotic, but you pulled thru. Love was a battlefield, and freedom was your victory!!! Some stuff no one should ever have to experience, but on the flip side, I respect you to no end for not havin men runnin in and out of your life or our home. I don't know of anyone else almost 36 yrs old who can say their parents have been divorced 33 years and they've only seen Moms with 4 men their whole life. I hope a True Love finds and nestles you in the most secure and cherished way imagineable. You are so deserving and so overdue... that's one of my prayers for you. All in due season tho... I pray your heart will be ready when it comes.

As a child, there are things a parent does that just get on our nerves, but if you have any sense, you're gonna be appreciative later. A few of the things I appreciate, yet never told you:

The gallery openings and the exposure to the Arts
The Vietnam protest on campus that we got caught in (how many people my age can see that stuff on tv and actually remember experiencing it for themselves???)
Encouraging me to explore my African American heritage when I didn't realize for myself how important it is
Never pushing me away or treating me like garbage when I made glaring mistakes that would affect the rest of my life
Always speaking to me about when I'd graduate and go to college, not if, as if college were an option instead of a given....
Having me catching the city bus across town to school and back to the Y afterwards until you got off work when I was in 2nd/3rd grade (I realize it was necessity, but I learned to be pretty independent and not scared to go places on my own)
All the trips to the thrift stores, coz my style is real eclectic now
Your taste in music as I was coming up... that's another area where I'm not real limited and I'm so grateful
All the late-nite trips to the emergency room during those years my asthma was almost takin me off this earth
All the times you had to quit school to take care of me
Never giving up on your goal of finishing your Bachelors... and Hot Damn if you didn't get that Masters Degree to boot!!!
For teaching me to dress... always maximize your assets and minimize your faults!!! *laffin*
For takin care of Muh'Dear when Dad was runnin the streets (My memories of her are few & sketchy, but I'm grateful that she was accessible to leave me with the ones I do have, *Thank You*)
All the times you took me to the library and instilled a love of books and words
For being an amazing grandmother all-around
For all the times you took the boys off my hands when I felt like I was drowning
For telling me over the years that I should go get some testing done coz you thought I had some issues... Hells Yeahhhhhhhh, I do!!! I'm workin on 'em... *lol*
All that good organic food you raised me on, and teaching me to cook healthy with a wok
For teaching me the value of education, altogether
For teaching me the value of character and integrity
For keepin me in the house when we lived in the hood and I wanted to run the streets just coz "everybody else was." I've made some dumb moves, but I've never been a chickenhead and I never will be... and jail is definitely not for me!!!
For taking me to see Alvin Ailey's Troupe when they came to our lil town and I was too young to recognize how special that was
For taking me with you to see Star Wars upon it's first release
The relationships you had with Noodle & Tony... those were pretty special... I'mma bring you another one like them one of these days, *lol*
For educating me about sex as early as I had questions and letting me try alcohol for the taste... Those were iffy decisions, but you knew your child... With sex, I started later than my crowd, and the peer pressure never phased me. You taught me it was something you wait for the right person for, and that much, I did do. I also never drank til I was over 21, just coz the curiosity wasn't there for me... Liquor, yuck!!!
For all the beaded jewelry you made me and Mackenzie's newborn bracelet... I still have it all.
Teaching me how to stretch a dollar
The folk festivals we went to when I was pretty young
Puttin up with me havin tadpoles & crawdads, *lol*
The cards you gave me upon my 16th birthday, my 18th, graduation, and when I gave birth to Mackenzie... I still have them all, and yeahhhhhh, I still read them. The love and advice still makes me cry every time...
All the artwork that I ever did from toddler on up that you saved, that's soooooo sweet...
Teaching me to love plants and nature
Teaching me that less is more
Canoeing at Lake Vesuvius and the lily pads you brought home
Your patience with meeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, coz I know I'm crazy. *lol*

I love and and appreciate you so much. The worst regret I have in life are the times we got into it when I was a teenager and I raised my hands to you. If I could live my life over, those days would've never happened. You've probably forgiven me, but lemme say it if I never did, "I am sooooooooooo sorry."

One day, wheneva I open up my own business I swear... I'mma bring you on as a consultant and all I want you to do is share your marketing acumen. Just sit on your tail end and relax!!! If it's ever in my power, you will not have to work another day in your life. I want you to get to retirement age and just enjoy the fruits of your labor... The Big 72-Hour Labor of '69!!! *lol* Doesn't matter to me if I have to sacrifice or whateva, I wanna provide for you and see you able to just chill and enjoy life without stress. Now that you have your computer, pleeeeeeease get on some career boards online and look for a better job until I can swing things for all of us. I love you with all my heart... and your time of rest is coming!!! God Bless You and *Thank You* for all your Sacrifices...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM!!!

Pssshhhhhhhhh....

2005-09-04T22:08:00.000-04:00

No plans for the holiday, nothin I really wanna do. Dunno why I'm so tired today, so I'mma just chill out here. Feelin kinna bitchy too, prolly just best I stay to myself. *sigh*

Well, I guess gave my son's father props a bit too soon. Since my brake locked up, he's continually left me hangin on fixing it. This is Day 3 of missed work, coz my job is off the bus lines. He knows this... so I guess it's like, Fuck Shon. So be it... but if that's how it is... you shoulda said that in the first place instead of pressin me to turn to you when I need work on the car. My car is NICE... It's not like I even need anything on a regular basis. I don't know what's goin thru your mind, but damn... I'd never leave you hangin like that knowing that your job hung in the balance. How bout you just pay me that $18k you owe me in back child support, and we call it even??? I haven't even called since Friday... I can't beg. If the job lets me go, I trust God to open another door. He always does...

Z moves back to Columbus on the 14th of this month. Haven't seen him for 2 years, coz he's been in NJ, but we were off/on for 13 yrs. Last we spoke back in Nov., he was talkin bout starting up a real estate agency here and relocating again once it's stable. He supposedly wants to give me a house and wants to get married in 2-3 yrs if I'll relocate with him. I'm definitely relocating, but Ion see it happening with him. A house with no payment would be mad nice, but yanno what... he's go too much baggage and I'm just not equipped for the trip. Every time I come back into his life, the last chick he was dealin with comes up pregnant. I'm like his ghetto luck charm. Last we were involved, there were 3 sons, 3 mamas. Now it's 5. I'll be damned if I'mma deal with 5 females havin the right and obligation to call my home, disturbing my peace. Hell, they all still want you... marry one of them. You put up with the chickenhead ways until you got tired of the ass or whateva... I'm sure you could adjust. Might be cheaper to keep 'em. I can't do it tho... I need my sanity. Maybe I'll write that letter this evening...

In case you haven't seen it, check out Kanye's lil diatribe against Dubya and the Katrina rescue situation. MAD PROPS TO KANYE for sayin what needs to be said. I'm encouraging everyone to buy his cd, "Late Registration," in support. The cd is DOPE, regardless. Five stars. I'm sure he'll lose endorsement opportunities and sales because of being vocal, but I, for one... give him a standing ovation. Let's support OUR OWN.

KANYE TAKING A STAND

Blahhhhh....

2005-09-01T15:41:00.000-04:00

I'm bored.

It's too damn hot, and I just walked 7 blocks and back to wait on Mom's computer to be delivered and set it up for her. Tomorrow I'mma download Yahoo IM and put my name in there... and force her to use it. That's really the best way to catch me or leave me messages... I check that faster than voice mails.

I get cranky when I'm bored. My girl just told me that a particular someone is gonna be known as Crazy Ray-Ray when he gets older. She said, "When he sleeps on the porch.. lil kids'll sneak up and poke him with a stick and run before he wakes up and shit."

Bwaaaaaaaaaaahahahhhhahhahahahahaaaaaaa!!! I bet that shit already happens.

On another note... Just some questions swirling around my dome this evening:

Why did the Kings of Comedy get so much more props than the Queens did? The Queens were 10x funnier...
Am I the only one who remembers Robin Harris' (R.I.P.) "One Night Stand" from HBO? *in Robin's voice* "Small WORLLLLDDDDDD!!!" I miss Robin...
Why is it that every time I make myself appear permanently offline to someone on IM, then block their ass... they hit me up within minutes??? Da hayle is wrong with that picture???
Why am I still waiting for my brake to be fixed???!!
Why do I rarely meet anyone in person or online who really moves me?
Why is he starting to bore me already?
Est-ce que je suis vraiment une chienne si inconsistante? Yeah, I probably am...
Why are she and I so much alike and why does it feel like I've know her foreva?
Why haven't I started writing that nursing home comedy yet?
Why did my son have a breakdown yessaday doing his homework, talkin about... "I don't like first grade!!!" ???
Why did he try to tear up his homework... and when I checked it, EVERY ANSWER WAS CORRECT???
Why did he say it was too boring because the chairs made his booty hurt?
Why did I have to swallow my laffs @ his logic while I hugged him up and we talked about it?
Why do some adults seem to use logic just as faulty as his to justify their behavior?
Why are most people so sneaky and shallow these days?
Why is everyone in their heart of hearts... still searching for love?
If everyone is lookin for it... why is it so elusive?
Why is real talent left to languish in the underground, while garbage artists are celebrated?
Who made these rules?
Why am I all excited to get that alarm clock tomorrow?
Why was I blessed to fill my tank up and then have my car sitting ever since... the day before gasoline went to $3.20/gallon?
Did God force my roll to slow coz I was workin too damn much anyway?
Why do I always do that shit?
Why don't any of the damn corner stores around here carry Crystal Lite?
Why am I almost outta cloves already?
Why are Stacker3 XPLC's the only thing that actually give me energy?
Why do I have a Vitamin B deficiency and mild anemia?
Why does Vitamin B-12 make me sleepy and the iron just plugs me up and nothing changes?
Why is my biology all screwy?
Why do so many men still have such wack game?
Why do they still use such wack approaches?
Why do they still work on some females?
Did I just answer my own question?
Why do too many females still stop in their tracks and walk over to a brotha who's waggin his finger at 'em, askin them to come'ere coz he wants to holla?
Why don't they realize, if he won't even walk a few steps on their behalf... He's not gonna go outta his way to meet any of their needs down the line, either?
Why somebody readin this probably thinkin I was just talkin about money?
How come I wasn't?
Why do so many people not realize that while money can make you more comfortable, it CANNOT make anyone HAPPY?
How come gyro meat on pizza is just the blazin shyznit???
What can we call people who are country as hell and ghetto fab at the same damn time?
Why do I always end up givin people nicknames?
When is too much still not enough?
Why does the county still send my ex-husband's child support paperwork to my home?
Why do I just throw it away?
Why they suspend his license now for not setting that ish up?
Why hasn't he been more proactive in getting his business taken care of properly?
Why should I expend my own energy to correct it?
Why *shrug* ?
Why am I excited to be turning 36 in 2.5 months?
Why do I embrace getting older?
Why people say I look and sound about 25-26?
Why is that shit funny as hell to me?
Why did I get carded not long ago?
Why was I lookin *lost* when it happened, like, "Huh???"
Why is that "outside" smell on lil kids just the worst?
How long will it take for the Katrina victims to be able to start over?
How many scam relief agencies will pop up online?
Should I write that letter?
Why is Wesley Pipes such a funny muthafugga in the most grimy way imaginable?
Why are teenagers having oral and anal sex like it's just CASUAL?
Why are a lot of adults, too?
What's casual about suckin dick?
Better yet... excluding gay men from this... what the fuck is casual about lettin a dude fuck you in your ass, and yall not even exclusive with each other?
How you gonna feel a month down the line when you see him with his new girl in your face, and you standin there flashin back to how he had you on your knees just a minute ago?
How bout I don't care if that offended you?
How bout we'd all save ourselves a lotta hurt and confusion if we just thought about potential outcomes before we play ourselves?
Why do we still think unconditional love is a human capability? There are always conditions attached...
Why have I only seen my best friend 4x since she got married 2 summers ago?
Why does she have no time for friends and family anymore?
Why is there just so much on her plate in her own home?
Why is she still my cherished best friend, regardless?
Why do I refuse to let her spot be replaced?
Why is it coz... Everything in life is a season?
Is it coz... I respect her/her marriage/the life she's chosen?
Why are people so busy tryna find fault with the messenger, they end up missin the Message?
How come this list is so damn long?
Why did Man-Man flunk the FIRST GRADE?
Why is that what his lil bully-ass deserves?
Why did Mos Def marry that chickenhead broad the same day he met her... or was it the next?
Why his ass got a whole tribe of kids?
Why WOW...
Why have I not figured out how to do the RSS thing with my blog yet?
Why blahhhhh....
Why do a lotta men get offended to know they're not the only one callin or interested in you... when they not tryna settle down either?
Since when does having a woman's phone # mean he has papers on her?
When did the average brotha out there get to be so bitch-made in his attitudes?
Why, *in Kanye's voice*, "Get down, Girl... Go'on ahead and get down..."
Why, if you're a bitch-made cat claimin ownership... Fuck you.
Why do men always want a woman with flava... then be mad when someone else wants it too?
Why do they try to kill the very quality in her that attracted them in the first place?
Why is everything in her gonna rebel when that happens... and yall lost on why?
Why'd I just notice dude at the pizza restaurant next door is wearing a house arrest ankle cuff?
Why I already heard dude had owned a boomin restaurant and got caught with a kilo.
Why people see the train wreck coming and still jump on the tracks?
Why slow motion betta than no motion...
Why this still some of the best pizza I've had since foreva... and it was cheap as hell?
Why is "Gold Digger" just the jam...???
Why I got more scars than a Black Tail chick... and one looks like a bullet wound?
How come it's from a surgery?
How come Zen has the funniest Yahoo tags in the world???

Lotta quetions, huh... Oh well. I notice a lotta shit. It's always funny to me when someone tells me I'm a lot smarter than they anticipated. "Damn... I didn't realize you were so deep."

I'm not deep... Just a student of the Human Condition.