The post-marriage dating experiences, on the other hand, were an incredible ego boost. The first dinner date that ended up with us spontaneously driving to the beach (75 miles away on the Oregon coast, no less) hours later? Discovering a wilted rose left on my front porch by my New Years’ Eve admirer? The guy who had his teenage girls help pick out the outfit he wore to meet me in? The butterflies in the stomach…being acutely aware of where our arms and legs were as we sat side by side at a baseball game…kissing someone new for the first time? Yep, it was an adrenaline-filled roller coaster ride.

And then the roller coaster slowed down to a leisurely pace. I fell in love again, rediscovered my long-buried romantic self - but died a thousand little deaths inside when it ended abruptly. Eventually, I jumped back on the ride - but not at full tilt, and not with the same energy.

Imagine my surprise when I unexpectedly fell in love again a year or so later. While I knew it wasn’t likely to work out long term, I was happy to take what I could for a while. And once it became clear for me that no longer made sense, I tried to disengage gracefully and honestly. Along the way, though, while the affection remains - well, I fell out of love with him. So being a friend, staying in touch, having occasional kid-free weekend dinner dates that, um, ended after breakfast the next day, giving him hope - well it became graceless and cruel.

Why mention this all now? See, part of me really would like some adult male companionship that might eventually lead to a relationship. Yeah, I wouldn’t mind dating again.

But I’m having a hard time psyching myself back up for the whole ‘finding people to date’ bit again - even though I had such a good time before. And I’d just as soon fast-forward through the whole ‘getting to know you’ part already.

I’m not mourning what was - except that it was comfortable. I had someone who knows what I like, heard the backstory, and loved me anyway. Wasn’t that good enough?

Apparently not. But is it too much to ask this time to skip over the preliminaries, rule out the obstacles, and move directly into total compatibility?

Damn - I thought not…

Waaiiiit a minute That’s so not true.

See, I haven’t felt like blogging about the whole ‘divorced with kids’ bit for a while now. I even passed up a seriously awesome blog opportunity - the totally tongue-in-cheek acknowledgment of the second anniversary of my divorce on Valentine’s Day this year.

Why?

For starters, I’m busy. That’s not going to go away any time soon. And at the end of a very long day, I don’t much feel like dredging up Dramatic Divorce Stories or reliving the conflicts and pressures and stresses with my ex that just no longer exist anymore. The stuff that’s part of my life now? The collegial, collaborative relationship with an ex-husband who never forgets he’s part of a parenting team? So not interesting to those looking for another drive-by War of the Roses, or those who need ‘go for the jugular!’ advice.

So I decided to pass up a monthly paycheck - that could be going towards a non-existent college savings account, no less - by choosing not to milk our former pain or flaunt my hard-earned peace in front of those in a far less peaceful place.

And I sent my official resignation letter to Divorce360.com a few minutes ago.

What will I do with this place? I’m not sure yet. Part of me wants to think I still might have something to say here from time to time. The other part thinks I need to say no to a few more things before I make any promises here.

I’ll start by listening to the ‘other part’ first…

As a result, I’ve been ignoring this little outpost, while barely posting on my original blog. And I’ve taken an explicit hiatus for the month of January from the third one.

What’s going on, you wonder? (Regular readers of MWIL already know this story; apologies if it’s a rerun…)

The new job is, as predicted, all-consuming. The kids are, as I ought to have expected, not so willing to play second-fiddle. The volunteer commitments aren’t as easy to extract myself from, especially when there are big activities planned for February. And if that weren’t enough, well - I’m also dealing with two family situations: my daughter’s stepping through an evaluation process to determine if she has ADHD (which is bringing up all kinds of fears and issues on her part), and my dad has been diagnosed with cancer.

So if I’m not here? It means I’m dealing with life In Here. And I’ll be back eventually.

When my ex and I first split up, I had a fairly high-powered job, with a salary to match. Luckily, I was able to flex my schedule as much as I needed to in those early days in order to cope with taking on all of the responsibility at home - I worked early in the morning from home in order to handle daycare drop-offs & worked late at night in order to justify leaving at the dot of five each day.

Plus, I had cash to smooth out the wrinkles - a regular housecleaning service, for example. Money for summer camps for the school aged child. But I still felt like I was constantly juggling, and I didn’t feel like I could really pay attention to my kids’ emotional needs. Plus there was that whole ‘working late at night’ bit…

When I first lost my job when the tech market cratered, it was a relief on some levels. I could focus on the kids. Walk them to and from school, or go on field trips. So I made a conscious decision to take two big steps backwards when I re-entered the job market (a decision that was aided by the continuing tech slowdown, of course.)

I would be a worker bee - but I could work from home as needed. I’d be responsible for myself - but I wouldn’t supervise or direct others. And we’d long since tightened our belts (and I’d changed my money mindset), so the smaller salary would certainly sustain us.

And that was just fine. More than fine, actually - I could spend time serving on a board for a local educational non-profit. Set up a creative blogging outlet for myself. And still be involved at the kids’ schools, or do the summer camp shuffles.

Until - it wasn’t so fine with me any more. So now, I’m back doing my managerial thing as of today - at the same place where I used to be one of the staff I’m now managing, luckily. My calendar’s now crammed full of meetings, I have a great team of people I get to support, and a host of new responsibilities. And it’s the mental shot in the arm I knew I needed.

But since I still have the teenager and the ‘drama mama’ nine year old - not to mention the work with the non-profit and the assorted kid responsibilities and and and - I’ll still get to flex my schedule when I absolutely need to, or work from home when it makes sense.

This time around, though, I know I can’t necessarily juggle any faster. So it’s time to make some decisions about how to juggle smarter - and maybe to think about deliberately dropping a ball or two along the way. So while I’ll keep the early morning work sessions (it helps me better plan my day), I’ll probably skip the midnight oil piece.

And I’ll get better at tossing the ball to someone else. So the first order of business, once the new salary kicks in?

Monthly supplemental housecleaning service, here we come…!

Or maybe it’s just me - even though I know I made the right decision several years ago, I still remember what it was like to build Christmas memories for the kids together. Or the security that came from being part of a couple at holiday gatherings. And the memories are bittersweet - dangerously veering into ‘what if?’ territory, or revealing gaps or weaknesses I don’t really want to be reminded of right now.

And the holiday schedules in the here and now? While we’ve snapped into a schedule that works for us all, I’ll still feel alone and small come Christmas morning - for a few minutes, at least.

But I know it’s not healthy to wallow, and I know it’s not wise to give myself large swaths of idle time. So I have two solutions when the holiday blues strike:

1. Pay it forward. Surely there’s another parent who’s really struggling who could use a bit of help or support. So make that phone call, or pass along a bottle of wine or an invitation for lunch or dinner.
2. Or maybe there’s a cause that could use a few extra hands or a bit of your time over the holidays- so go out, get out of the house, and volunteer already.

You’ll feel better afterwards, I promise.

In years past, though, that unspoken carte blanche has caused, um, problems. Did both kids need to get a laser alarm system to carve out invisible territories in their shared room? Um, no. And I’d have called an ix-nay on some of those talking, walking, wiggling devices back in the day. Then there was the sheer overwhelming volume, leading to my “we have no room so could you keep it at Dad’s house already?’ constant refrain that always, always fell on deaf ears.

But they’re getting older. They like smaller, more complicated gifts that have volume controls and/or can be used with headphones, thankfully. So I thought maybe we were out of the woods - until I got this phone call this evening:

Hi! What size shoe does the nine year old girl wear again? We’re thinking of buying her a pair of heelies…unless you’d rather we didn’t, of course…

Oh, hell YEAH I didn’t. See, I’d already told my nine year old (who must have put them on her wishlist over at Dad’s house) that she was absolutely, positively, NEVER EVER getting heelies. I’m not a big fan - plus I know my constantly jittery child with poor impulse control would not be able to resist the urge to use them when she shouldn’t.

Luckily, he agreed with my decision without question - even though I provided him with no rationale or reasoning at the time (I was in a meeting and speaking sotto voce in the back of the room.)

But the real victory here? He called first to check with me.

Now, here’s hoping the nine year old never finds out just how close she came to getting her heart’s desire…!

I knew other people weren’t bringing dates. And I could have brought a date if I really had wanted to. I didn’t feel as if I was being looked down on or pitied because I didn’t bring someone with me. And, finally, I’ve become pretty social in my old age - I can talk to people fairly easily, get along well with my co-workers, and wasn’t afraid of feeling like a wallflower.

Nevertheless, I had to take a few deep breaths before walking into the party alone.

I don’t quite know why - my experiences taking my ex to company gatherings weren’t really great ones. (I’d already resolved not to take a guest in the future to any company gatherings, actually.) And I remember feeling a bit out of place when I went along to his parties - I didn’t really know anyone, wasn’t much of a socializer then, and had to push myself past my discomfort in order to have a good time.

Of course, I had a great time. Found plenty of people to talk to, mingled easily, and didn’t have to worry about leaving my escort out of the loop or alone.

Still - I was glad that I had a ready excuse to duck out with the second wave of departers.

See, I had a date waiting for me to finish with the work obligation already…!

I’ve been wanting an iPod Touch ever since they first came out. But did I really need an iPod Touch?

I thought so - but I made a list of reasons why I could buy one now, just to reassure myself:

• It’s not so much about the music as it is about needing an electronic calendar and contacts organizer.
• But it’s also true that my old iPod was well-loved, yet is on its last legs
• I had some extra money, thanks to an unexpected tax refund from the state. I also had holiday money from my mom and two Amazon gift certificates to throw into the Touch fund. So it’s not that much of a splurge if you look at it that way…
• No one bought me a birthday gift this last year. And no one’s buying me holiday gifts this year (let’s just conveniently overlook the fact that I’m not necessarily gifting others, shall we?)
• And finally - I deserve it. I consistently put other people’s needs ahead of my own, scramble to make ends meet, and regularly play the role of martyr.

So I ordered myself an iPod Touch last week. Tracked the Amazon delivery schedule like a fiend. Opened it, got it up and running, and promptly fell in love, as expected.

But now? I can’t stop thinking about just how much it cost, and what I could have done with the money instead. I could have bought a portable dishwasher, for example - and we could really use a portable dishwasher. I could have put it into savings and created a bit more of a cushion. I could have paid a bill or two. And my daughter could use some new shoes, while the teenager will probably grow out of his new jeans next month.

I still love it. I definitely can use it. But will I always feel vaguely guilty and slightly regretful every time I look at it?

I hope not…

No matter how much we try to nail things down for the entire year at the beginning of the year, well - schedules change. Events get moved hither and yon. Commitments get dropped, new ones get added in, and all sorts of other variables join in to make the party a merry one.

Thankfully, my ex and I are both flexible sorts, and the kids are at the age where they don’t freak out if the routine changes or expectations need to get re-set.

So when I got the apologetic email today from my ex asking for the kids on a day when I’d tentatively planned an out of town trip with them (to his knowledge, anyway), it was easy to reassure him that we’d make it work out, and I could always leave a day or two later.

And when he learned that my company holiday party was this Saturday (a night I have the kids), he’s now rearranging his schedule to see if he can take them overnight (even though my son’s old enough to babysit my daughter, it’s not an ideal situation.)

Sure, it’s best if we can stick to a schedule. But it’s also important to keep that goodwill flowing both ways by being flexible, accommodating and gracious where possible.

Especially when it means you might get an extra kid-free evening or two out of the deal when you really need it!

And look who’s one of the featured bloggers there? Yep - you’ll find my blog posts from OFTK over there as journal entries, alongside other featured contributors.

From the press release:

Chief Executive Officer Cotter Cunningham, former COO at Bankrate, Inc. explains: “We review the real, day-to-day issues that impact people facing divorce like ‘What do I do now? How do I do it? What about my kids, job, family, friends, money, and my house?’ We answer these questions in a number of ways, from experts offering professional advice to reporters detailing the facts to bloggers showcasing how they have handled similar situations. You can even get helpful suggestions from our Answers area. Divorce360 offers factual information, a variety of experts and real-world solutions to help people make educated decisions about divorce.”

Please go check it out!