Kate says . . .

Proverbs 25:24 “Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife.” (NIV)

We all have scriptures that we aspire to be like, ones that we strive for. Then there are those scriptures that we hope and pray we are nothing like. This verse from Proverbs is one of those verses. Solomon is giving his sons words of wisdom throughout the book of Proverbs. He shares this same principle about a quarrelsome wife many times throughout the book of Proverbs. You may wonder why he shares it 5 times, my hubby has said on many occasions that Proverbs repeats itself time and time again because it was written for men, and they need to be reminded many times. Honestly he said that! It made me laugh. Anyway, Solomon had many wives and concubines (another post for another day, delving into that), so I am sure he knew what a contentious or quarrelsome wife was. We have heard these verses, what exactly is a quarrelsome or contentious wife?

The word quarrelsome in the dictionary is defined as:

1. Given to quarreling; contentious
2. Marked by quarreling.
3. synonyms argumentative, belligerent.

The word contentious in the dictionary is defined as:

1. Given to contention; quarrelsome.
2. Involving or likely to cause contention; controversial

Yikes! Those are definitely not words I want used to describe me as a wife. “She was a great person, but she was given to quarreling, being argumentative and on occasion belligerent, where her husband was concerned!” Can you imagine that on your tombstone or spoken at your eulogy? Hmm not exactly the sweet words I hope others will remember about me. Yet I know there have been times in our marriage, where I was airing much more on the side of contentious then uplifting, supporting and loving my hubby. So what characteristics are involved in being a contentions wife?

Looking for Opportunities

You know those times in your life, when you are just waiting for the ideal moment to unload on your husband? It may have nothing at all to do with him, or it may have everything to do with him, either way it feels good to unload, to be in control and to have the upper hand. Anyone ever had a moment like that? Usually afterwards you feel awful because you know it wasn’t right. You may even try to justify your actions in your head.

When you find yourself looking for a reason to unload, ask yourself why. Is there something you really need to talk and communicate with your husband about? Do you need a hug and to tell him you are having a stressful or emotional day? Do you need to tell him all about the insane day you had? Try not to use your hubby as a punching bag of sorts and if you do need to talk about something that is bothering you, that does involve him, try to do so in a way, that will encourage talking and working together. Not put him on the defensive from the start.

Want Things Done Your Way & In Your Time

We are wives and we like control. Everyone stand up and raise your right hand and say, “My name is (insert your name) and I am addicted to control,” there doesn’t that feel better?

I AM a recovering control addict. I like control, I like things the way I like them and in my time. Yet that is not what marriage is. It is not about one person anymore, it is about TWO people becoming one. That means we have to be willing to die to the self and put our spouses needs and wants before our own. If we always want, what we want, when we want it, we will be contentious!

Respect

Well now, doesn’t a ton of this come down to respect? If we seek to respect our husband, then I believe we will be rid of much of the quarrelsome attitudes and behaviors. Lift your hubby up and encourage him as the head of your family. Encourage him in his work, listen and ask about his day at work. Encourage him to find time for just him to relax (yes I know this is hard, since we work hard too, but he needs down time as well). Love him even with his faults, tell him you love him just the way he is! Help him in the areas he struggles, as a helper with a servant spirit-not a taker over and controller! Tell him you are proud of him and appreciate all that he does for you and the family!

I think Solomon was on to something

Would you want to live with this?

• A quarrelsome wife is like a constant dripping on a rainy day (Proverbs 27:15)
• A foolish child is a father’s ruin, and a quarrelsome wife is like the constant dripping of a leaky roof. (Proverbs 19:13)
• Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. (Proverbs 21:9)
• Better to live in a desert than with a quarrelsome and nagging wife. (Proverbs 21:19)
• It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife. (Proverbs 25:24)

What are other ways you can think of that can be seen as being quarrelsome toward your husband? I would love to hear all of your thoughts, because honestly ladies, we need to be checking ourselves regularly!

Sherry from Hookin’ Up Holy! says…

“Why sex toys?” That’s what my husband asked me when I first came to him with the idea to open an online sex toy shop. “Why can’t you sell shoes or something?” But he knew this would not just be a source of income, it would be a ministry.

The truth is, the sexual part of our marriage was always low on the list of priorities for me. I attended a private Christian high school and I vividly remember a talk our dorm mother did one day on sex and marriage. She told us that sex is only about 5% of a marriage. That stuck with me. I don’t know if she meant it like that, but I took it to mean that sex held about 5% importance in a marriage and I should give it about 5% of my time, thought and effort. Tragically, that is a lie I believed for the first 15 or so years of my marriage.

Our married sex life started out OK but it was never earth-shattering for me. Over the years, I didn’t refuse very often, but I did not enjoy sex and he knew it. I did it out of duty. Not surprisingly, our marriage was not a very good one, and we both seemed to settle for that. But eventually it got to a point where we decided things had to change. We tried a marriage seminar, a few different marriage courses at church, Christian counselling and several wonderful marriage books… all with great, godly principles, but none of which helped us for very long. Old habits soon returned.

One day, in my Google search for something Christian – can’t remember what – I came across the Christian Nymphos site. The name intrigued me and I clicked on it. I read a bit, actually quite surprised by some of the topics, and then moved on. But I kept coming back to it. Day after day, I would read a little more. Some days I spent a couple of hours or more. I couldn’t believe the freedom these women had!! I became envious of that and wanted it for myself. I began to feel as if I was missing out on something great that God wanted me to have. As I prayed on it, the Lord led me to scriptures, websites and books on sex. I became obsessed with reading about it, learning about it. I knew I wasn’t supposed to refuse my husband but it had never occurred to me that not enjoying it might be a sin! I began to see my attitude toward it as disrespectful to God and to my husband. I decided to make a change.

I went to my husband and told him I wanted to jump start our sex life and I was going to a sex toy store to find something that might help. I knew I needed a jump start – baby steps weren’t going to work! He was surprised, happy, hopeful and understandably apprehensive. I made my first purchase and that was the beginning of a new and exciting world for both of us!

The change that I did not expect was in the rest of our marriage. I could not believe it. It changed overnight. Our attitudes toward each other softened and our walls came down. It was a miracle. I credit that change to God, of course, and to sex.

Since my sexual awakening (or slap in the face, as I like to call it), it has been my goal to help other women find the sexual freedom that I have found. I think it is unfortunate and sinful when we settle for less than God has for us.

As to why I would consider a sex toy shop to be a ministry… well, when I first began buying toys, I went to a local sex toy shop with pornography and nudity galore. I did not like it and felt very uncomfortable and wasn’t sure if my being there was honoring to God. I began to think about opening an online store with no porn or nudity so people like us had somewhere safe to shop. In my research, I came across the Hookin’ Up Holy site and it was for sale. My husband came on board pretty quickly and the rest is history. It’s our prayer that all who use it will be blessed in their marriage bed.

Thanks to Brad and Katie for allowing us to share our testimony! God bless.

Kate says . . .

If you love lingerie and wondered why your wife is not as enthusiastic as you are, you are not alone. If you totally got all that Brad was saying in his last post, Why Men Love Lingerie, I assure you are you are not alone. Before I reveal the four ways you can see more lingerie you need to understand why most wives are reluctant. I am a wife and I am “for” lingerie and yet at the same time, I completely understand the hang ups women have with lingerie and I have battled with them myself. So while I am all for it and indulge my hubby, I also know why women aren’t all fired up like you husbands are.

Some of our “hang ups”

It’s Expensive

It is hard for many wives to invest in a piece of clothing that is used less then your daily clothing and costs twice as much. That being said, there are probably many wives out there that have stuff in their closets that isn’t worn very much, so at least the lingerie has the plus if blessing your hubby. Remember you don’t have to own a closet full, though I am sure your hubby would love that!

It’s not “Comfy” or “Easy” to Throw on

“Throwing” on something “comfortable” isn’t either of those things! Some of the outfits that look sexy on a mannequin, are not all that comfortable on your wife. I am not talking yoga pants comfy here, I am talking comfy enough that the itchy lace or confining corset won’t allow your mind to think about anything else. Trust me guys it is a discipline.

It’s not always easy to find lingerie that fits

It doesn’t matter what body type you are, often lingerie does not fit the way it fits a lifeless mannequin! So searching and finding the right piece of sexy fun, might take some time. Also it can be very frustrating and discouraging for wives who want to wear sexy lingerie for their hubby and are having this issue. Be an encourager, not just of the lingerie, but of your wife. Encourage her and tell her often how sexy you think she is. Love her, serve her and touch her in ways that say, I love you no matter what! These things will help tremendously in her feeling so loved that no matter what she wears!

More Skin – More Self-Conscious

The truth of the matter is that the more skin we show, the more self-conscious we become. It all started with Adam and Eve, so let’s blame it on them. Seriously though, we are easily ashamed of our nakedness, something that God intended to be pure and beautiful is very distorted and misused in our society. If you guys are honest, I would imagine there are times you are self-conscious with your bodies as well. For women it is much more of an issue and really can be crippling. Can it be overcome and is God’s desire for women to be sexually confident with their husbands? Yes, it takes time, reassurance from their husband, and it takes something you hubby’s can’t do an understanding of how much God loves us no matter what!

4 Things we need from you:

1. Verbal Affirmation

This is the number one things I hear from wives; they would wear more lingerie, if they didn’t feel like a piece of meat when they do. They want to feel cherished and adored. While I totally get that a husband wants to ravish his wife, when she is dressed in an enticing lingerie, take your time and love her with your words, looks and touch first. Seeking to show your wife how much you love and adore her daily, will help more then anything else you could do as a husband.

2. Know her Preferences

What hubby doesn’t like to surprise his wife with a piece of lingerie? I honestly think that is great! Just keep in mind her likes and dislikes. Doing so will be an encouragement to her and allow her to be comfortable.

Wives: That all being said, it is great for you to know what your hubby’s likes and . . . “really” likes. You might not be ready to go all out, but you could change up the color, style or texture. Be aware of what he likes and either going for it or gradually working that way, is an incredible blessing to your hubby. It blesses him visually, tells him how much you desire him and how important sex and being sexy for him means to you as well.

3. Wrapping our minds around sex is one thing, wrapping it around sex with lingerie is a whole nother ball game!

Imagine that dressing in lingerie is like getting ready for the formal dinner you have to attend. Some women may love getting dressed up while others loathe it.Yet the fact still remains, it takes time and we don’t want to look like a frumpy women covered in lace and satin. So thinking that we might just throw it on in 2 minutes is a bit unrealistic most times. Do whatever you can to give your wife a little extra help and time so she can spend some time getting ready. It is an immense help and really speaks volumes to how much you value your wife and not just the outfit she is in! You want us to take the time-do whatever you can to give us the time!

4. Lingerie is not a one way street

The last thing I want to mention to all the lingerie lovin hubby’s out there is this – Lingerie is a two way street. No I am not suggesting cross dressing! Yet there are ways you can dress sexy for your wife. Not just sexy clothes, though those are really nice. If you’re not sure where to start, just deviate from the everyday undies, whatever that may be for you. Though women are not as visual as men, we are still visual and we like to enjoy the view. It also blesses us in that you were thinking of us and dressing just for us. It’s a two way street!

So guys, what do you think? How about the ladies, have I left something out? Would love to hear your thoughts and get a lingerie discussion going!

Brad says…

If your husband is a lingerie lover, have you ever wondered why he loves lingerie? Have you fought hard to smile every time another slinky negligee, teddy, or sexy corset is wrapped up as a present? The truth behind that silky garment is more than meets the eye! We love what meets the eye, but it is the messages that lingerie is communicating that gets our attention. 

We Love the Availability

Lingerie says, “Yes”, one word that we love to hear. Not only does it say yes, but it communicates a very strong and sensual yes, an excited to be with you yes. These are absolutely wonderful words for all husbands regardless how frequent the sexual intimacy is in your marriage. For couples who have less frequent intimacy, lingerie takes out the guess work, wondering and trying, that sometimes challenge men to be Romeo and Sherlock Holmes at the same time. When you slip on “something more comfortable” we love the strong and resounding yes we hear.

We Love the Looking

Lingerie says, “Please look” two words that every guy loves to hear from his wife. Ladies your husband loves your body and he loves looking at it. While an “in the dark, under the covers romp” is sometimes fun, lingerie is all about looking! We love it! We want to step back and soak in all the beauty that is radiating off of you! We want to let our eyes dance over those sexy curves and just enjoy the view. Lingerie not only allows us to do that but asks us to, and we love it!

We Love the Build Up

Lingerie says “let’s take our time tonight.” Has your regular sexual intimacy become closer to a quickie over the years? Even when we slow things down sometimes they can still go pretty quickly. Lingerie is a great way to let us slow things down, enjoy the view and slowly unwrap the evening.

We Love the Excitement

Lingerie says “I’m excited to be with you tonight.” Behind every man’s desire for sex is an equally strong desire for his wife’s pleasure. We really want you to feel good. Making you feel good makes us feel great! When you put on lingerie you are in essence showing him you are sexually desiring him, which is a huge way to boost your husband’s self-esteem and show him you desire him!

We Love the Gift

Lingerie says, “I’m yours.” We know that you aren’t dressing up like that for anyone other than us and that you are doing it simply for our enjoyment. That is a huge turn on. Knowing that you have thought about what we would like and then you not only bought it, but made time to wear it is a huge gift. We know that you are subconscious, we know that you might not love all the same curves that we do, and we know that you are making yourself vulnerable all for us. It is a huge and awesome gift! It makes us feel very special and is one of the biggest reasons why we love it!

We Love the Wow

Lingerie says, “Wow!” One of the exciting things about lingerie is the potential wow factor. When we least expect it you can surprise us with a wow! Seeing you in lingerie when it was totally unexpected has the ability to make our eyes pop like Bugs Bunny! It is exciting, alluring, enticing and awesome!

Give It Another Try

Next time your hubby smiles at the lingerie drawer or hints at how nice it would be to see you in something slinky try not to roll your eyes. Consider all of the amazing things you can say all with one sexy piece of lingerie.

Before you sigh and think about dusting off some antique you got from your grandmother at your bridal shower you might want to consider finding something new. There are many different types and styles that can flatter and excite anew! I recommend that you visit this great site with your husband and ask him what style he likes. We like Husband and Wife because of the wide variety of styles that are all shown on mannequins so that the only body he will be seeing it on is your own.

Men, did I miss any messages that lingerie communicates that makes your heart skip a beat? 

Ladies, Kate’s post to husbands letting them know what you are thinking about that lingerie is up next. What messages do you want guys to know that would help you be more likely to give lingerie a try?

Kate says . . .

Can I get any hands of people who have ever read a marriage resource and found yourself focused on what your hubby isn’t doing rather than on what you should be doing? I know that I have done that in the past and I am imagining that every wife has done that at one time or another. I love what Brad shared in his last post, Tear the Book in Half, resources are great, but not if they are stumbling block for you and your marriage.

Are you looking for lessons or ammunition?

Another danger that is just as hazardous is using resources such as blogs, books or a conference to give yourself marriage ammunition. It is always best to experience these resources together, or at least talk about them together, but we understand that many wives and husbands end up working on changing their marriage on their own. Whether you are seeking out information to grow or to be a tool to addressing marriage issues, you need to be asking God to keep you from these pitfalls.

You were aimed, didn’t intend to fire, but you did!

We’ve taken in good and useful information and before we know it, there is a situation happening in your marriage and you are thinking “I know how we need to handle this, I just read about this” and so you share that wealth of knowledge with your hubby, including all that HE needs to do. You didn’t intend to use that ammo that you have been learning in that way, but in the moment, you thought “why not share what I know.” This is a pitfall that is not going to get your marriage moving or keep it moving in the direction you desire.

Your hubby is not another one of the kids

When we tell our husband what we think they should be doing, many times it feels like we view them as another kid to take care of. The last thing any of us wants is to feel like someone perceives us as childish and I think that is even stronger for our husband. The way God made our hubby’s they need and want our respect. When we treat them like another child respect is the last thing they feel.

Same principle, different post

All that you are gleaning from your resources is best used when working on yourself and how you can change in your marriage. That truly is the key, no matter what we see about our hubby or what we think they could learn. If you have a time to sit down and share, you definitely should. Yet it needs to be from a place of love and desiring to share your heart, not make a list for your hubby of all the things he needs to change and do.

Put the book down and step away!

If you find yourself falling into the pitfall of finding all the things that your hubby is NOT doing or should be doing, or if you now know how to tell him to handle different situations, put the book down and walk away! Walk away and don’t go back until you can find the mindset of “what can I do to be the change I want to see in my own marriage?”

What other good ways have you discovered to handle resources in a positive and productive way?

Do you share what you are reading with your spouse?

Brad says…

Any time you read a marriage book, go to a marriage conference, or even read a marriage blog you are walking into a mine zone. I know that sounds strange coming from a marriage blogger, but it is true. When you get advice, even great advice, you could be entering a trap.

Wouldn’t That Be Nice!

The great book, Love & Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs is an excellent example of this trap in action. This book does a great job explaining how a husband can give his wife the love she needs and how a wife can give her husband the respect he needs. This book has tons of great information! I love it. However it is so easy to get stuck in the section that is ABOUT you rather than focusing on the part that is FOR you.

It doesn’t take long to find yourself thinking, “Wouldn’t that be nice” and “if only my spouse would do that for me everything would be perfect”.

This same risk is inherent in any marriage information. We see something that we wish our spouse would apply or we hear some other husband or other wife who explains the “secret” of their success and dream about our spouse doing that same thing for us.

Bang

That’s it. The trap has been sprung. Now rather than getting anything positive out of the great information we put down the book or walk out of the conference feeling worse than when we started.

Not only is it easy to despair when looking at what you desire but don’t have, you also miss an opportunity to change yourself. When you focus only on what your spouse should do different, it is easy to ignore the very same lessons about ourselves.

Jesus warned about this lesson in Matthew 7: 3-5:

Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Avoid the Trap

Any time you get a marriage book or even read our blog start by simply focusing yourself on the question, “What can I get out of this?” and “What does God want to teach me about myself?” Try to focus on only what you need to do to grow. If you start feeling the trap, stop, pray and ask God to help you see your own weaknesses and areas where you can grow.

What other books do you feel need to be “torn in half”?

Have you had to escape this trap in the past? Let us know in the comments

Brad says…

Who is this man behind the keyboard? People seem to think that either I am a perfect husband, or somehow I’m just making it all up. Since my beautiful wife opened Pandora’s box with her post, 10 Confessions of a Marriage Blogging Wife, I figured I needed to follow suit, and set the record straight with my own 10 Confessions.

1. I Don’t Have it All Figured Out

I’m not sure this is really a confession. I hope that everyone knows I don’t have this thing called marriage all figured out. Frankly, if anyone tells you that they do I suggest you find another source for of information. Marriage is a difficult and mysterious journey but it is the best journey you will ever take, and the rewards are priceless! I’m still learning and I hope that you are too!

2. Heal Thyself

Often what finds its way onto the blog are topics that I’ve been discovering and working on in my own life. Frankly, I think some of my best posts are ones that came directly from lessons that God has been teaching me.

3. My English Teacher Would Never Believe It

I am guessing that it is no big surprise to anyone who reads One Flesh Marriage regularly that I am not an expert at grammar or spelling. I struggled in every English class I was ever in. The only way this is possible is God’s providence and some peer editing from my wonderful wife.

4. I Have a Love Hate Relationship with the Website

Part of blogging is maintaining the website. I enjoy this most of the time, and can really get lost in designing, tweaking, and updating our site. This is the fun part. However, every once in a while something goes wrong and I just want to pull my hair out. Websites can be temperamental and technical, and while I have made an effort to learn the basics of HTML some of the in-depth tech stuff drives me crazy.

5. I Watch Stats with Disbelief

When we started this blog we really thought that we would be writing for a few friends and family members. We never anticipated the response that One Flesh Marriage has received. When I stop and look at our statistics, the number of visitors and subscribers that follow us I am amazed and humbled. We are really honored by all of you and thank God for allowing us to minister in this way!

6. Time Time Time

Kate and I frequently write about how important it is to find time together. Earlier this year we decided we needed to do better living that out. Last year it was our goal to write 4 posts a week between the two of us. This year, with the addition of a marriage ministry we are leading at our church we have cut back to two posts a week. We would love to write more, but the marriage behind the ministry is too important to neglect.

7. I preach how great sex is,
but I’m nervous about talking to my sons about it

I believe that one of the best arguments about waiting for sex until marriage is simply telling young people how awesome sex in marriage actually is. I want to have an open dialogue with my boys about the world’s views on sex and about how they can and will wrestle with purity. I really desire this relationship with them, but getting there is difficult. Pray for me, I’ll be talking to our 9-year-old much more in-depth shortly.

8. I’m a Reformed TV Addict

“Hello my name is Brad and I’m a TV addict. It has been 3 years since I was last addicted to TV”

I’m only 1/2 joking. I was a huge TV addict. Drama’s, comedy’s, reality TV, or news programs; it didn’t really matter I watched them all. When I finally admitted that TV was coming between me and my wife, I started to slowly dwindle down the shows I watched. I wish I could say that I went cold turkey, but I didn’t I just couldn’t get away from knowing who won Survivor or watching the next CSI. Finally, after way too long I turned it off all together. I still don’t have a clue what happened at the end of Lost. Guess what, I don’t miss it. I love the time that I am able to spend with Kate way more!

9. I Wish

One of our Facebook followers asked me, “What do you wish you had more time to do?” Honestly that one is pretty easy. I wish I had more time to do marriage ministry. I love being able to share the God’s love with others by being able to encourage them to be on a one flesh journey with their spouse. I would love to be able to write more, both here and even develop this into a OFM book. (maybe someday).

10. I Wish part 2

The second part of the question was “what do you wish you had more money to do?” Simple, I would take my wife back to Jamaica were we spent an amazing honeymoon 14 years ago! Anyone want to send us?

So there you have it. The guy behind the keyboard. If you have any other questions about me ask them in the comments!

Kate says . . .

To all of you wives out there who have shared with me that you think I am super wife, super mom and super everything; I am humbled by these gracious comments, but I feel the need to give you a little glimpse into our lives. These are my confessions of a Marriage Blogger, hopefully they will make you laugh, cry and most of all be encouraged as wives!

1. My house is NOT always put together! In fact it is usually VERY lived in with dirty dishes and laundry to be done. I still have great hopes for the cleaning fairy to come and help, though I have yet to see her. With all of the Tinkerbell movies our daughter loves, couldn’t they come up with a cleaning fairy? There is currently a huge pile of laundry on the floor to my right that needs folding.  But alas I am sure it will still be there when I am done writing!

2. Brad and I are not bunnies! Yes, we talk about sex all the time and value it deeply in our marriage, but we do not do it like bunnies. Ok sometimes we do, but not always.    There are times when we fight just to see each other for more than 2 hours before falling asleep together. Those blessed kids that we love so stinkin much, feel the need to grow up and be involved in activities, along with everything we do together. We sometimes struggle to find time together and time for sex, but we know and recognize when it is time to refocus and find time, no matter what.

3. I am not the best at grammar-this you might have deduced on your own reading our blog (and I think Brad would admit he struggles too). We try hard to edit and make sure everything is correct, yet we miss things. Truth be told, I never dreamed that I would be writing on a regular basis, yet that is what God has asked and so onward I go, regardless (or is that irregardless?)

4. My heart breaks for the stories that are shared with us. I pray daily that God would break my heart for what break’s His heart, and wow does He ever! I love chatting one on one with our readers, but my heart breaks for their stories of hurt and pain. Sometimes I struggle to get their stories out of my head. I am thankful for the hope of God’s plan in marriage. Our marriage is a testament to God’s faithfulness and the truth that any marriage can be restored. This blog is God’s story through us, plain and simple yet oh so beautiful!

5. I have an addiction to drinking tea and reading books! I love historical fiction with a focus on God. Other than spending time worshiping God, with my amazing hubby and kids; I would choose to just read and sip some tea. I can enjoy tea and books on their own, but they go so well together! I have been known to be making dinner and reading a book at the same time, a phenomenon my hubby just shakes his head at and laughs. Now you know why he is the better cook in our family! 

6. I encourage wives to dress “eye catching” for their hubby, yet I often spend the morning doing school with my kids in a total state of comfy clothes. We have nowhere to go and it is easier to do school in my “yoga” pants.  :)  Have no fear, I am cleaned up and ready for my hubby when he gets home!

7. I greatly dislike getting up early in the morning! My mom has assured me on many occasions that there would be a time in my life where I will get up with the sun just because. I am 35 years old and there is no sign of that happening.

8. I am not kidding when I say that my favorite pastime is spending time with my hubby! Everything I do is so much better when he is by my side. I want to experience all of life with him next to me. Sounds romantic right? Yet it is so much more then that, it is a one flesh journey!

9. I am immeasurably blessed by a few dear friends and I value them greatly. We love to sit and chat, have tea together, go out to dinner every once and in a while and shop at Goodwill. We are wild women!

10. I am a mom who struggles with being a mom at times. Some days I want to rip out my hair and put everyone in quiet time for the entire day-including myself (then I could read and drink tea). Some days, I am blown away by my kid’s love and compassion.

An extra one, like a P.S. My absolute favorite date night with my hubby is when Brad and I stop at the local cheese shop. We buy our favorite cheese, open up a bottle of red wine (we love red wine), put the kids to bed and go up to our room to sit quietly and enjoy our wine, cheese and each other. I love going out on dates, but this by far is my favorite. Not to mention we are not too far from our bed! 

I don’t know if any of the other marriage bloggers have the same desire to share, if so I hope they will share their 10 confessions of a marriage blogger! If they do I’ll be sure to link them!

 Other Marriage Blogger’s Confessions:

The Generous Wife – Confession Time

J from Hot, Holy and Humorous – 10 Confessions of a Marriage & Sex Blogger

Julie from Intimacy in Marriage – 10 Confessions of a Sex-Blogger

My Amazing Hubby from One Flesh Marriage – 10 Confessions of a Marriage Blogging Husband

Debi from the Romantic Vineyard – Confessions of a Marriage Blogging Wife

Scott from Journey to Surrender – Ten Confessions of a Marriage Blogger

The Generous Husband – 12 Confessions of a Marriage & Sex Blogger

Up With Marriage

Marriage Life Ministries

Kate says . . .

Oh ladies, I can only imagine your reaction to my hubby’s last post Grow Your Marriage- Guaranteed! “15 hours, are you serious?” I know there was a time in our marriage when I would have said the exact same thing. At the same time I was begging God for a better marriage-the one I had always hoped for.

With all that wives have to deal with day in and day out, finding 15 hours a week to spend with your hubby seems unattainable, and well a little insane. Not to mention that for many wives you may wish you had a relationship where 15 hours a week was a haven, but if you are brutally honest you have trouble enjoying each other even for an hour. You know those times where you make time, go out on a date and end up angry with one another? You are not alone.  In fact if I think back to our first 5 years of marriage, I am certain that happened to us!

Is it possible? How can it be done? I wanted to share how as a wife and mom of three I manage to find 15 hours a week (or more) with my amazing hubby!

I am selfish

I talk all the time about being a selfless spouse, and now I am telling you to be selfish!! I know it is crazy, but hear me out. Sometimes in order to find 15 hours we have to be marriage selfish and say no to other things. That list may include, your kids, family, friends, extra job stuff, church and anything else that is vying for your time. Just recently Brad and I were feeling the stress of less time alone together. So we looked at our calendar for the coming weekend and it was open, so we protected it with our lives. We spent the whole weekend, other than church in our house focusing on each other and our kids. Monday morning we were both refreshed. Being selfish in protecting your marriage is a good thing and you will reap the rewards.

Death to the Housewife

On evenings when my hubby is home when we are done dinner and the kids are settled in bed, I all of a sudden see the things that need done that didn’t get accomplished that day. Dishes that need cleaned, laundry that needs folded, rooms that need straightening. Let me tell ya ladies, while we need order in our lives, we are selling our marriage short, so that we can have a clean and put together house. If I am honest with you, I have always hated housework and when my marriage was a wreck, I still put it as a higher priority, above my hubby. I also was annoyed with him for not “seeing” the things that needed done.

God has shown me that we must put our time into the things we want to last and other than God, that should be our marriage. So now my rule is, when Brad is home in the evenings, whatever does not get done by the kids bed time, has to wait until the next day. Trust me, it WILL still be there in the morning! It has been an amazing way to feel freedom to spend essential time with my hubby. I know it sound frightening, but give it a try, I believe God will bless you.

Better than any self-help book or fairy tale

I love to read. It is my way to relax and unwind. Yet spending time with my hubby and making our marriage a priority is SO much better than any self-help book, inspirational biography or fairy tale romance novel! We all enjoy one thing or another to relax, mostly because they make us happy. I don’t want to look to my books (or TV, FB, email, internet, another man, my parents, my best friends) to meet the needs that God designed for my hubby to meet and for me to meet his. Our marriage changed because we were open to God changing our hearts and doing the hard work that involved, but after that it was because of the time we carved out for our marriage. Change won’t happen unless you are willing to carve out time.

Identify the Hindrances

What are the things that keep you from finding 15 hours together? Identify them in both of your schedule and responsibilities, then talk about them together and decide how you are going to deal with them. When you are older and your life on earth is near its end, are you going to look back and wish you had vacuumed a little more? Are you going to wish you had watched one more episode of Downton Abbey? (For the record, it is the only TV show I watch)  Are you going to wish you had read one more book?  Are you going to wish you had spent more time at work?

Most of us are going to wish we had spent more time with our hubby and those we love. Don’t wait until then to decided these 15 hours a week should be important!

What keeps you from carving out this time for your hubby? 
What are other practical ways you have found this time and kept it for your marriage?

Brad says…

Have you desired to discover that one tip that would magically transform your marriage? This one thing will grow your marriage guaranteed. I would love to say I have discovered the magic marriage quick fix, but there just isn’t anything magical about it. As Kate and I have encountered more and more marriages that are thriving there is one thing that they all have in common. One thing that you can change in your marriage and it will make a difference.

What is this one idea that will change your marriage?

TIME

Couples who have a thriving marriage are purposeful about spending time together. If you want to change your marriage then you need to find a way to regularly spend 15 hours a week together.

One of the most limited commodities in the modern family is time. We are all incredibly busy. There are hundreds of things pulling at our every waking moment. Often it feels like there is so much going on that we run from sun up till we crash into bed some time close to midnight. Even thinking about finding time to spend together can feel exhausting. But before you just write it off as a simple impossibility let’s take a look at the facts.

A Little Math

There are 168 hours in every week. Assuming that you work 40 hours a week and it takes about an hour traveling back and forth each day you have 123 hours left. Take out those 8 hours a day you are supposed to be sleeping and there are 67 hours a week left. Take out 10 hours a week for spending time with God and church, another 7 hours a week for eating, and maybe 10 hours a week for spending time with the kids and you still have 40 hours a week.

Those 40 hours a week match very closely with the Neilson’s statistics:

The average American over the age of 2 spends more than 34 hours a week watching live television, says a new [2012] Nielsen report — plus another three to six hours watching taped programs.

Toss Away the Excuse

Back in February we challenged couples to have sex for 10 days in a row. Many of you responded and somehow managed to find the time to spend together. When the “guarantee” of sex went away after those 10 days, many of you reverted to old patterns and stopped finding time to spend together. Remember what your marriage felt like during those 10 days? One of the things standing between you and that connection is regular time together.

What Counts As Time?

Sitting in a room watching the TV and not talking to each other except for a few words during commercials doesn’t count. What counts is time you actually spend focused on each other. Time just the two of you talking is a must. Time holding each other is essential. Time relaxing together is ok too. The end result of the time is more important than what you do with it. If you feel more connected than it was good. If you feel like you were in the same place but not connecting then try again!

Eventually You FEEL it!

Now that Kate and I are in the habit of spending time together we both recognize when a busy week or schedule change encroaches on our time together. There are weeks were we don’t get to spend the time we want to. When those happen we both recognize it and make plans to make sure we can fix it as soon as possible. Busy happens, just be intentional about reclaiming time for your spouse.

I’m Busy

Why is it that spending time together doesn’t count as “doing anything” in many people’s books? You need to learn to guard your time together, and don’t feel ashamed to tell others you are busy when you are spending time with your spouse!

How much time do you spend one on one together? How can you make sure there is more time for the two of you this week?

Photo ©CreationSwap/ Marian Trinidad