One For The Other Thumb

0-3 Would Be UnBEARable...

2013-09-22T14:40:00.000-04:00

[Editor's Note: Can't even express how irate I am that I have to post on this old ass POS blogger shit right now. For some reason, I can't get anything to publish on the real OFTOT. Also, I wrote this like three days ago and was at my buddy's wedding from Friday night until now (Sunday) without checking the internet. So, my apologies for whatever state this thing is in. Blame Google or something, and here we go.]

Without question, this game is infinitely more about the Steelers  than it is about the Bears.

This  should pretty much be the case any time your team decides it needs to  hold an all players meeting in Week 3 of the NFL season.

And what a week it has been.

Until the Browns Brown'd it up on Wednesday night, there wasn't a whole lot else worth writing about for people who get paid to try and generate page views.

This is the kind of thing you have to have a sense of humor about.

Is it funny?

Not really.

But dwelling on things you can't change for too long is part of the reason that Xanax exists.

Of course, there's nothing funny about going 0-3.

Everyone  in the Steelers locker room has said they're pointing a thumb at  themselves as who's to blame, but I hope someone - namely, Mike Tomlin -  is in fact pointing a finger at each and every one of them as well.

When you can't produce jack shit on offense, and can't come up with impact plays on defense, that's an unsustainable situation.

Good if you're looking for a high draft pick, but not if you plan to do any winning.

And  all this rhetoric about the standard and things being unacceptable, I  hope this is being communicated emphatically to what is largely a young  locker room, not necessarily yet acquainted with the full reality of the  NFL.

But at least we know they're now no longer allowed to play pool or ping-pong during business hours.

Unbelievable.

Now, the Bears at home on Sunday Night Football might be exactly what we need right now.

No, I'm being serious.

The Bears are as talented as anyone, on both sides of the ball, but they're far from unbeatable.

They  might be 2-0, but don't ignore the fact that those two wins have come  in margins of three points and one point to the Bengals and Vikings  respectively, and in both cases, they were come-from-behind wins, the  latter having been eked out with 10 seconds left in regulation.

Of course, this is what good teams do.

Given all that's happened with the Steelers lately, perhaps you've forgotten, but it's about finding a way to win.

The only stat that matters is wins.

Nothing  else gets you into the playoffs, unless there's some sort of  underground shit going on in the NFL that I don't know about.

However, the fact that Jay Cutler is throwing the ball alone gives me hope.


Put it this way - if the Steelers can't suss a turnover out of Jay Cutler, they ain't gonna get one.

This  game is being played in our house, in front of a nationally television  audience, and you better believe the fans coming to the game are fully  prepared to boo someone, whether they be wearing white or black.

I don't know why I'm telling you guys this, I hope someone is telling the Steelers this.

Anyway, on the outside chance that any of you still care, let's just get into the preview here.

Because hey, just because the Steelers have been a hot mess, that doesn't mean we can't have a little fun, right?

It'll be therapeutic, I promise.

So, let's begin our session.

Quarterback:

DOOOOOOOOOOOOONNNNNNNNNN'TTTTTTTTTTT CAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEE!

Running Back:

Only the second position to review, and things are already about to start  getting dicey.

If you thought I drafted a lot of Bengals in fantasy, you're gonna love me this week.

So, I drafted and own Matt Forte in fantasy, which presents an obvious conundrum.

Do I have enough faith in the Steelers defense to bench one of my starting RBs and best producing players?

Wait, I mean...HEY LOOK IT'S A PICTURE OF JACK LAMBERT AND A GOOSE!

File those shorts under "things you can't un-see."

Just ask Brian.

Wide Receivers:
Brandon Marshall, an inflatable butt pillow, a container of Vick's VapoRub, and a couple of Russian nesting dolls make up Chicago's receiving corps.

So yeah,  I actually also drafted and own Brandon Marshall aka "The Beast" in fantasy...so again, I'm pretty well acquainted with his contributions to the Bears offense.

Basically, anytime you're defending a guy who's almost as big as a tight end but with more speed and probably better hands, it isn't exactly going to be a party.

But of course if anyone's up to the task, we'd have to assume it's Jon Gruden's new man crush...

Face Me Ike.

Tight End:

The only stat you really need to know is that Martellus Bennett has more TDs through two games than the entire Steelers offense (3 vs. 2), which has led ESPN to project his overall total for the year at a mind bending 24, which also makes me scared to even ask what they would project the Steelers' offense's total to be.

Also, if you're noticing a trend in TEs becoming way bigger offensive threats recently, congratulations, you've been paying attention.

Good thing the Steelers are also riding this trend hard, fielding the formidable David Paulson for the immediate future.

Pro tip for you pervs - Google image search "Bears cheerleaders".

Or, you know, go watch some porn.

This is the internet, isn't it?

Offensive Line:

Wanted to use a clip from the Bears Superfans SNL skit, but YouTube came up garbage on this one.

Either way, I hope these ladies refer to themselves as the Ditka Chicks...you know, like Dixie Chicks, but with mustaches and less whining.

Anyway, left to right - Jermon Bushrod, Matt Slauson, Roberto Garza, Kyle Long, Jordan Mills.

$17 million guaranteed from Chicago and Jermon Bushrod can't even update his Twitter background.

Matt Slauson comes from Sweet Home. Yes, that's an actual town in Orgeon, and no, I'm not referring to the time he spent with Mark Sanchez over the last few years, although I'm sure that was sweet as well.

Roberto Garza may be the longest tenured Bear on this squad outside of Lance Briggs (still not even sure how you play Center at a high level at 34 years old), and at one point was one of only 19 Hispanic players among 1700 total players in the NFL, so respect. Might wanna throw something on his website, though.

In addition to being spawned from the dong of Howie Long, Kyle Long is also the Bears 1st round pick from this most recent draft. Subsequently, he has become the first Guard in Bear's history to start as a rookie. He also  was apparently  drafted by the Chicago White Sox before college. Could you imagine a 6'6", 311 pound guy playing baseball? How would he even swing a bat?

Anyway, Jordan Mills is the other rookie starting on the Bears offensive line, out of the distinguished alma mater of one Terry Bradshaw, and is the lowest drafted rookie starter in the league right now.

Jay Cutler has been sacked exactly one time this season.

And the Steelers defense has exactly one sack for the season.

Hope Jarvis Jones and Lamarr Woodley wear their big boy pants this weekend.

I just realized I put way too much effort into this section.

Defensive Line:

Corey Wooton, Henry Melton, Stephen Paea, and Julius Peppers.

Corey Wooton was responsible for the concussion that ultimately led to Brett Favre's exit from the NFL, as well as the only full sack the Bears defense has secured this year.

I've pretty much learned zero about Henry Melton through creative Googling, besides the fact that he is the Bear's franchise player this season, and despite the fact that he has zero sacks so far, he is a 2012 pro bowler who's logged 13 over the past two seasons at DT (a not insignificant point).

I can't get past the fact that despite whatever the true pronunciation of his last name is, I can only see his name as Stephen Paella.

And Julius Peppers gonna Julius Peppers, despite his one tackle so far in 2013.

Linebackers:

Lance Briggs.

Well, then.

DJ Williams.

True story.

And Mr. Anderson.


If you don't know that reference, go watch Beavis and Butthead Do America immediately.

Secondary:

Tim Jennings, Peanut Tillman, Major Wright, and Chris Co...AH WHAT THE HELL NO ONE CARES.

Coaching Staff:

Still wasn't sure who Marc Trestman was, so I Wikpedia'd him, and  apparently not only do we share the same birthday, but we both have degrees in political science, and both went to law school.

OH YEAH WELL  DOES HE WRITE A BLOG THAT AT LEAST 12 PEOPLE READ ON A WEEKLY BASIS TELL ME THAT WIKIPEDIA INFORMATION GOD OF THE INTERNET?!?!?!

Tim's Tea Party:
Whatever that was on Monday night goes directly to three things: the Steelers can’t run the ball, can’t block, and no tight end to take the pressure off of Ben (looking at you Mr. Paulson). Meanwhile the Steelers made this guy...

look like a Pro Bowl QB. The D played well enough and Ike did a great job of keep AJ Green in check. But when you can’t put points on the board, and fumble on an early possession that could’ve changed the game, you will lose (I’m getting tired of writing that and it’s only been two weeks). Now let’s fast forward to week 3’s matchup: The Chicago Bears.

The Bears come to Heinz Field with a nice little 2-0 record beating the likes of the Bengals...

and the Vikings. Along with the Bears comes Jay Cutler; the guy otherwise known as an emotionless, aloof dick-bag whose teammates aren’t exactly fond of…but he does have a cannon. I mean he can absolutely flat out rifle a football. He’s also highly efficient at rifling the football into the hands of the opposing defense. Mr. Cutler has thrown 103 interceptions and fumbled 59 times over his professional career. That means he’s turning the ball over 1.44 times per game since he’s been in the league. This leads me to this week’s stat: Turnover plus/minus. I know this isn’t a newly developed advanced stat, but much like music...

it’s nice to revisit the classics from time to time. And I could also come up with a fancy turnover statistic to make it more aggravating, but I don’t have the time to do that; so basically sometimes you’ll get a run of the mill stat. It is also a stat that hits you in the face when you look at the Steelers in recent times. In 2012 the Steelers were a minus 10 in the turnover battle. In 2013 they are a solid minus 4. As a matter of fact, the Steelers Defense has yet to create a turnover this year…WTF?! You know what this all means? It means the Steelers are better at being the baby rather than taking the candy.

So if the Steelers can’t get a turnover off of a guy who’s carved out a nice little career in doing so, they’re this...

Now if I didn’t already make you mad enough, this guy...

also happens to be 2-0 vs the Steelers. He’s completed 73% of his passes against the Steelers and also has thrown for 5 TDs in these two wins. He also has a 105.6 QB rating. Yeah...this kinda sucks and it also means there is a very real possibility that the Steelers could be 0-3 after this week.

Where’s the bright side? Well Sack Man Jones has played well thus far, and Ike Taylor looked good against one of the NFL’s truly elite receivers. Ben looks good when he has time, but much like Lindsay Lohan’s sobriety, Ben rarely has it. That’s it; that’s all I have in terms of optimism. Before I sign off, I’ll leave you with a positive thought: These guys are releasing their latest album on October 29th.

Much better showing musically from Timothy this week.

Almost there, you guys.

Domski's Dinosaur Corner:

So, Velociraptor it is...

And my personal favorite snack food - Pickles, but on a hot dog because Chicago is cray...

Now, the final countdown

Miscellaneous:

1) Smokin' Jay Cutler

I'm always last to the party.

2) Getting through these things with  the Steelers in their current state...

Shit's rough nowadays.

3) Bears...

Jay Cutler is a power bottom.

4) Other Notable Bears...

Consider Lamarr Woodley the Bear Jew and Jay Cutler the Nazi.

5) 10 years of magnificent locks are getting clipped this November...

At least it's for a good cause.

So, look, arguably we're lucky enough to once again be given a national audience in front of which to redeem ourselves.

Beat the Bears and "shock the world".

Let's get it.


Here we go.

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The Island Has Moved...

2009-06-19T01:37:00.000-04:00

Check it out - the new OFTOT.

Your Daily Dose of "WTF?"...

2009-06-18T00:55:00.004-04:00

The internet is an amazing place.

Not only can you find a site catering to just about any interest, but it has now become such a pervasive medium that athletes and celebrities are regularly leveraging it's awesome power in ways that are usually more or less brilliant revenue generators.

And here I am blogging for free.

What can you do?

Anyways, yesterday the internets were quite a boon for me, as a lowly Steelers blogger.

So as a result, I have several interesting tidbits to share with you this morning...beginning with Jeff Reed...because, why not?

ITEM #1...
If you want a glimpse of the Super Bowl XLIII ring up close, check out Jeff Reed on Fox Charlotte's "Got Game" segment. This is the same segment in which he relates that when the Steelers went to the White House to meet Obama, he forgot he was a team captain...which should surprise no one.

And if you just can't get enough of Jeff Reed, and I know you can't, in clip 2 he talks about watching the Pens win the cup, the pressure of being an NFL kicker, and he reveals his stylish new haircut.

Thankfully for everyone at Fox Charlotte, it appears their bathroom was chock full of paper towels.

Otherwise, shit could've gotten real ugly.

Moving on...

ITEM #2...
Earlier in the week, thanks to The Pensblog, I thought I had found a new ringtone...

I'd give you the High Quality version of that, but we all know it doesn't exist.

But that was until Mikey from the Kiss 96.1 Freakshow alerted me to this set of magical ringtones from Super Bowl MVP and erstwhile "Pussy Monsta," Santonio Holmes.

Big PM has given us eight fantastic tones to choose from - including such gems as - "Gotta Score This Touchdown," "Hey Yo Homeboy," and "You Screening Your Calls Now?"

Conspicuously missing were "Because I Got High," "Smoke Two Joints," and "I Saw The Sign."

I'd say something else about this, but honestly, they're ringtones...I've got nothing.

ITEM #3...

Chuck Norris ain't got shit on Samurai Big Ben.

Also, notice the lack of helmet, there.

.../I'm a terrible Steelers fan

And lastly...

If OFTOT looked like this for you at any point yesterday, I apologize. I've mentioned blogger/blogspot's shortcomings before, but never has anything quite like the entire site showing up in italics happened.

...I'm so happy to be finally getting off this shithole.

Which reminds me - I'll be [tentatively] unveiling the "new" OFTOT tomorrow for Meeting People Is Easy. But, since I make it a point never to be like Anthony Smith, I can't guarantee that.

Until then, email me if you want in on MPIE, OR if you'd like to contribute to the "Cotter is broker than the City of Detroit and writes this thing for free" fund.

Yes, I do accept payment in mint milano cookies.

I can haz eight hours of sleep?

...not likely

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Someone's Got A Staph Infection In The Brain...

2009-06-17T00:25:00.018-04:00

I mean, that's really the only reasonable explanation for this nonsense below.

Stop me if you've heard this one...

"Pittsburgh was the worst franchise in the NFL until it hired Cleveland-born Chuck Noll as its coach. He led the Steelers to four of their first six Super Bowl championships. Keying Noll's indomitable defense was Hall of Famer Jack Lambert, a graduate of Crestwood High in Portage County and Kent State, and considered by some as the best linebacker ever.

Former Browns linebacker and assistant coach Bill Cowher led Pittsburgh to its fifth Super Bowl win. Cowher, despite his accomplishments, wasn't good enough to be head coach for the Browns. Don't believe it? Former Browns owner Art Modell chose Bill Belichick over Cowher as Cleveland's new coach in 1991. Proving that the Browns' decision-makers have always known what's best, Belichick has coached three Super Bowl championship teams.

Cotter Sidenote: Let the record show that Belichode won all three of those championships with the Patriots, that he only posted ONE winning season with the Browns, and to boot, that he was head coach of the Browns when they packed up their bags and moved to AIDS city, I mean Baltimore, in 1996 (where he was not retained).

Meanwhile, all Cowher did while Beliturd was Browns head coach was post four consecutive winning seasons (with four playoff trips), and take the Steelers to the Super Bowl in '96 - the same year that the Browns had to close up shop in Cle-heave-land (of course we all know how that worked out for Cowher, and we won't mention it either).

But, hey, that was probably all just luck.

In fact, one might say that the best move the Browns ever made was the one they made to Baltimore...where within the 1st five years, they won a Super Bowl...something they hadn't been able to do in any of the prior 30 years when they were in Cleveland (while the Super Bowl existed, of course).

Anyways...

Who's the reigning NFL defensive Player of the Year, and a linebacker on Pittsburgh's last two world champion teams? Akron's James Harrison, another former Kent State star.

What would the Steelers have been without such guys? And, all of their championships have been won since NFL games became more a dance than a brawl. After all, it was Lambert himself who famously said, "Quarterbacks should wear dresses," after he was reprimanded by the league for hitting a quarterback too hard. The Browns won all four of their titles when the game wasn't supervised like a croquet match.

We think Ron has really Cooked the books on this one. Cleveland has it all over Pittsburgh culturally, anyway. Do you know that Pittsburgh is so lacking in creative thinking that its football team was named the Pirates from 1933-40 (when it went 24-62-5, by the way)?

- Mike Pettica, Cleveland Plain-Dealer

Wait, is he trying to say that Cleveland is somehow responsible for the Steelers successes?

Uh, either way...does anyone even care at this point?

I sure don't.

Though, I did find it kind of funny that even his own Cleveland commenters provided zero support.

Here's just a taste...

I'd go ahead and rip on the sack of canine excrement that wrote this garbage, but I trust that Vern will take care of that one for me. In fact, rumor has it that when he returns from sunny SoCal he may do just that.

That is, if he makes it back from SoCal.

Until then, Cleveland...

I think that about says it all. Don't you?

Now, if you'd like something to really entertain you, might I suggest this post, which is right below, but I'm going to link to it anyway, because that's just easier for you, so much easier than reading this sentence, with it's 1000 commas, and no actual ending...

Proper English is for real writers. Eat me.

WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

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Tupac Who...

2009-06-16T22:35:00.006-04:00

"I knit sweaters, yo."

Knitting.

It's what's going on in the streets, son.

If you didn't know that, you need to get your head out of your ass.

...I mean, I don't know what's funnier - Taylor Swift rapping, T Pain's general appearance or the fact that I thought Taylor Swift wasn't half bad.

I'll leave that one up to you all.

h/t to my boy Mikey at the Kiss 96.1 Morning Freakshow!

The Steelers? They're probably doing something. But I can guarantee it isn't as funny or as interesting as this. It's the offseason. Deal with it.

PS - Happy Birthday, Tupac! You are still missed.

2nd h/t to my buddy Andy from The Arena for the 'pac tip!

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Headline of the Day...

2009-06-16T11:15:00.008-04:00

Let's be honest, as a contributing member of the Pittsburgh sports blogosphere, I'd be remiss if I didn't send the Pens a big time congratulations for taking Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final on Friday, thus securing their first cup in 17 years!

The Pens run up to, and through the NHL playoffs was not altogether that dissimilar from the Steelers run up to and through the NFL playoffs en route to Super Bowl XL. But what the Pens did was really incredible. A month out of the playoffs, no one thought they'd even get in. Their record certainly suggested that, and they had recently supplanted the veteran HCMT with noob HCDB, who himself was only several years removed from being a player. And yet, just a few months later, they now stand as league champions!

I'm sure they were all waiting for this post to really feel accomplished about it, too...

Anyways, besides the fact that at this time of year, there's more going on in your garden than there is in the world of sports, yesterday's lack of posting was mostly my acknowledgment that even if anyone read this blog in the first place, no one would have cared what I had to say yesterday - a fact to which the 375,000 people attending yesterday's victory parade certainly gave credence.

As for Game 7, I spent it in good company - with Tec (whom you can see right at the beginning of the video below) and Christmas Ape (whom it was great to finally meet in person!) - at Foley's, the Penguins bar here in Manhattan. Here are a couple of highlights (because I know you care)...

It was a great game to watch, albeit a nerve racking one. But in the end, the Pens had an answer for almost everything the Wings tried to throw at them. Go rewatch even the first period and count how many times the Pens shut the door on the Wings. They played with conviction and fire - this year, they weren't going to be denied. And in the end, that intensity and discipline brought them something they'll never forget.

Congrats, Pens! This post's for you!

And for no particular reason, here's a bonus photoshop of HCDB wielding a lightsaber...

Now, here are a bunch of links to keep all of YOU occupied until I can get my act together...

Mitch Berger doing his best Jeff Reed impression [Deadspin]

Big Ben shot an 81 at Bethpage, with ROCCO MEDIATE as his caddy! Also, Ben > Tony Homo, Michael Jordan and Justin Timberjoke [Post-Gazette]

NFL franchises certainly shouldn't need a rule telling them to interview minority candidates for front office positions, but if that's what it takes, then kudos to the league for extending the Rooney Rule [AP]

The Arizona Cardinals Ben Patrick has been suspended for four games for Adderall...First, Go Blue Hens! Second, this is further proof that I wouldn't last a day in the NFL [AP]

You think you're a Pens fan - well then, pop quiz... [Sean's Ramblings]

As the Legend puts it, now we wait... [The Legend of Cecilio Guante]

A note on fandom [WHYGAVS]

Words cannot properly describe how hilarious this song about trading Nate McLouth is...and yet, it's not as funny as the fact that some guy actually wrote a song about trading Nate McLouth (PS - many of you may have already seen this) [Walkoff Walk]

The Pirates old school uniforms - coming in at a respectable #7 on this list of the ugliest uniforms of all time...Sidenote: there's no way you can rank the Bucs unis higher than Syracuse football jerseys and old school Padres unis...there just isn't [Moondog Sports]

If you haven't seen it, be sure to check out Artie Lange on Joe Buck...Joe Buck = Stunned [Sports Crackle Pop]

Two solid old school WWF videos...Somewhere today, Koko B. Ware is thanking Deuce of Davenport for reminding people that he once existed (no word on whether he still exists) [Deuce of Davenport]

Even liquor stores can be clever marketers, I guess [FAIL Blog]

New week, new beat from Maticulous! [Maticulous Music]

PSA for Tuesday: Be patient with old people driving...sooner or later, that'll be you [Grumpy Old Dog]

Now, on a completely unrelated note - I don't know if it's just because it's the offseason or what, but for the last several weeks, I've really felt off of my game. Every time I go to write a post, it's like each sentence is a struggle to overcome some kind of mental block. And while, frankly, my writing was never going to win a Pulitzer or anything, it's definitely seen better days.

Usually this happens when I'm manufacturing posts or when I haven't been writing as much. Maybe right now it's a combination of the two. Either way, if you've read this site for more than just these last several weeks, you'll remember that at some point, it won't completely suck anymore (maybe).

Anyways, I just felt like that needed to be said.

Thank you all for sticking with me in this time of emotional distress. Your allegiance will not be forgotten.

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Meeting People Is Easy...

2009-06-12T10:45:00.005-04:00

So, every week I do this whole intro thing, in which I say a bunch of stuff that doesn't matter. And really it's mostly just filler.

I mean, if there are new panelists, it makes sense to introduce them, because, you know, maybe you're not as familiar with their work as you are with that of the MPIE regulars. But when it's just the All-Star cast, I think that work's already been done several times over.

Anyways, as you will see, this week's panel is...
1. Neena
2. Tiny350z
3. Marc
4. Vern
5. Lori
6. John Woods
7. Grumpy
8. Steve
9. Ladi Izz
10. laclips
11. Doug
12. Nate
13. Matt
14. Sean
15. Noah
16. Hey, what's up?

Once it gets up over like 14, I feel like I should split it into two different photoshops. But when I was doing this at 1AM last night, I didn't quite have the good judgment or the foresight to realize that. Actually, I didn't even realize until just now that there were 16 people on this week's panel.

Clearly I'm well aware of life...

In any case, I've written my filler, introduced the panel, and made jokes at my own expense, which means now you should just read the actual questions and answers.

I dare you to salvage more than 10% of your brain cells by the time you're done.

Oh yeah, and Lori sent me this video that goes with her Favorite Song of the Moment...

And...GO!
Click to enlarge...

Now, just for the hell of it, since I got my hands on some pictures from the Steelers workouts...

Ziggy Hood is all business.

"You see, Bruce. That's how you take down a motherf*#@er."

As usual, Jeff Reed took this shit real seriously...where did he even find a construction helmet? ...let's hope in Ben's locker. HEYO!

Pictures of everybody wearing helmets except Ben.

And finally...

GO PENS!!

See you at Foley's for Game 7!

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Headline of the Day...

2009-06-11T10:29:00.014-04:00

Anyone who's been hitting the pavement, searching for a new gig in the last oh, I'd say nine months or so, knows what this ad is talking about (you probably wanna click to enlarge that bad boy).

What a state of affairs right now.

I'm not pretending to have the answer.

But if I had a dollar for every time I saw an ad offering something like $12/hr for a full time, non-entry level, professional position, I'd probably be able to single-handedly stimulate this economy back into being the well oiled machine it ought to be.

Put it this way, when employers have to explicitly say "with benefits" in a classified ad, you know there's a problem.

Anyways, totally not Steelers related at all.

What can you do?

Oh well, let these links atone for my Steelers blogging sin...

China Jack is a good man. And thorough. His latest toast is NOT to be missed... [PSaMP]

You think YOU know how to handle pressure? Read this, about Willie Gay [Post-Gazette]

Mike Wallace says he's the fastest guy on the team...a claim to which you have to give credence when a guy runs a 4.33 40 [Beaver County Times]

Solid NY Times piece on the Steelers SB XLIII rings (which yielded the images below this list of links) [NY Times]

Drew Brees doesn't puke when he drinks. He pukes when he doesn't drink [The Sports Hernia]

NFL moving in the right direction - starts spinal treatment program for retired players [AP]

Pens fans - Remember 1909 [The Pensblog]

I've been totally neglect in my duty to point out Lori's contest to counteract the Red Wings douchey video contest. There may not be time for more entries, but at least you can still laugh at Vern's videos [HFSS]

Hey baby, my name is Geno and I'm good with a stick... [Deadspin]

If you wanna know whether Raul Ibanez is clean, just take a look at his stool [Tirico Suave]

A breath of fresh air from Steve...and Bip Roberts??? [Steve Is Alive]

The Amish go west, like Fievel... [Grumpy Old Dog]

How Marco Polo makes beats...listen up... [Maticulous Music]

Sean...er, I mean Sean's friend, tries to get a kid's meal without having a kid [Sean's Ramblings]

Tiny's "great adventure" to Denver... [Cheese People]

Disc 2 of Radiohead's "In Rainbows" now available in digital form [Radiohead At Ease]

Tiny350z with the Best Song to Sing in Your Car! I hear her selection is Tec's favorite too.. [Sheena Beaston]

Blink doing "Dammit" and "What's My Age Again" on Kimmel [Punk News]

Download the entire Finch EP for FREE! [Finch]

Now, that's what I call good branding [FAIL Blog]

Speaking of FAIL Blog, THIS is Jon Gosselin's "mistress?" [The Superficial]

Now that my Google Reader is finally clean (for the next five minutes, that is), here are those pretty pictures I promised...

What a coincidence, that's also how they measure my manhood!

You're missing a couple, there.

If you had any doubts that two rings would get you lei'd, eliminate them. Awful pun. Whatevs.

Lastly, because Matt reminded me of this classic...
<br/><a href="http://video.msn.com/video.aspx?vid=9db33a62-913c-4511-a026-372062f866b9" target="_new" title="Will Ferrell is Robert Goule">Video: Will Ferrell is Robert Goule</a>
Will Ferrel is on another plane.

PS - Meeting People Is Easy is going to happen again tomorrow. If you weren't part of the email I sent out, but want to be on the panel, drop me a line and let a brotha know - onefortheotherthumb@gmail.com.

PPS - Scrotum. Good word.

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Everything's Coming Up..."Pussy_Monsta?"

2009-06-10T12:25:00.004-04:00

Last night, Super Bowl XLIII hero and MVP, Santonio Holmes got a surreal new piece of jewelry.

Today, those pesky weed charges against him were dropped ("no probable cause" for stopping him in the first place...IE - see line above about Super Bowl XLIII).

But lost in all of this is his change in Twitter identity, which is another WIN - albeit more for us than for him.

If you aren't on Twitter, or hadn't noticed...

WOW. I mean, A+ for creativity?

At first, I was somewhat morally conflicted about whether or not to post this - effectively "blowing up" the man's stealthy spot.

Plus, given the natural difficulty in verifying whether someone is or is not, in fact, the Pussy_Monsta, there's still a chance that it's not him.

But then I realized, no one reads this blog.

So you can all thank my virtual anonymity for this one.

And also The Bish, who gave me the tip in the first place!

Only the most hard hitting news here at OFTOT...nahmeen?

As you were, then...

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So THIS Is What 63 Diamonds Looks Like...

2009-06-09T18:00:00.018-04:00

There are probably an undefinable number of cliches to use in this instance, not the least of which would be "kiss the rings, bitch."

But embarrassingly, I can all but guarantee I've used that one before on here...and frankly, it sucked that time, and it'd suck again if I used it today.

So I won't.

Instead, I'll let the immortal words of the Cash Money Millionaires speak for me...

A notion articulated equally as well by Black Rob...

Apparently each of these bad boys are worth $15,000 (the rings, that is...not the Cash Money Millionaires and Black Rob...I'd be surprised if those fools were worth $15,000 combined). Which means each one of them is worth at least three times what my car is worth.

Also, PXI tells me that Max Starks's ring is the biggest. Which seems appropriate given that it pretty much puts his ring size in proportion to his salary this season.

Anyways, you don't care about my words.

Just look at the pretty pictures...

Glamour shot...

Lombardi Trophies make me sweat...

The irony of having a helmet on the side of Ben's ring is palpable...

Here's to working towards a 7th ring in '09!

And props to Steelers.com for the images!

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This Would've Been Better With Assless Chaps...

2009-06-09T13:45:00.003-04:00

Quoth Greg Warren: "We got Deshea Townsend in there using a nail gun like he's in a western or something."

So, I figured this needed a photoshop.

And now, thanks to this post title, I'll forever be letting people down on Google.

Double WIN!

Check back tonight (or tomorrow) for something even more bad ass (hopefully).

Also...

It's now or never.

GO PENS!

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Meeting People Is Easy...

2009-06-05T00:20:00.013-04:00

The wait is over
The photoshop is done
I'm somewhat exhausted
But the battle's been won

Ok, you know you something's really gone awry when you start writing bad poetry to introduce Meeting People Is Easy.

Shameful.

That'll teach me NOT to write down the first thing that pops into my head.

Anyways, after a somewhat extended respite, the great MPIE has made a triumphant return. And with it, comes several new panelists with whom you may or may not already be familiar.

They are (in order of appearance)...

1. DrinkYourMilkshake ~ The man responsible for Behind The Steel Curtain's Daily Six Pack, the brain trust behind yesterday's emotionally disturbing photoshop of AQ Shipley and Kraig Urbik spooning, and an all around exemplary individual. Oh yeah, and I heard he did a mean rendition of Beastie Boys at karaoke last night. Send video if you have it. Follow this crazy asshole on Twitter, here.

2. laclips ~ The illustrious editor of This Is Getting Old, a big time Pens, Pirates and Penn State fan, and a fellow music lover. Anyone who has the foresight to use the Pearl Jam dude as their avatar is +1 in my book. Follow this pinball wizard on Twitter, here.

3. Kristin ~ The editor of KB Toys With..., a rabid Eagles fan, and yet, miraculously, also my girlfriend. She may have an unhealthy obsession with Brian Westbrook, but I take solace in the fact that I'm a solid eight inches taller than that joke (ok, like four...but who's counting?). And hey, at least she's not a Ravens fan. Plus, she's insanely cute and consistently makes me laugh. So I'm willing to overlook her misguided fandom...Follow the yin to my yang on Twitter, here.

In addition to our MPIE rooks, you'll also read comedic stylings from the likes of...

The inimitable - John Woods
My go-to political commentator - Grumpy
The Octomom's #1 hater - Tiny350Z
My brother in the bonds of old school Metallica love - Steve
The soon to be half marathon king - Marc
You may also know him as Maticulous - Matt
Possibly MPIE's greatest supporter (or perhaps apologist) - Noah
Apparently he's kind of a big deal in Taiwan - Sean
I think he might be a Pens fan but I can't be sure - Tecmo
And, of course, my dumb ass

So, I believe all that's left is for you to read this week's panel's answers to this week's burning questions.

Which I urge you to do...now.

And enjoy!
Click to enlarge...

I have to admit, I can't really count this post among my better work...

Whatever, wake me up when it's time for happy hour...I'll meet you all at the bar.

Oh yeah, and this stays...

GO PENS!

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Bosom Buddies?

2009-06-04T00:01:00.002-04:00

Kraig Urbik: "...Me and 'Ship' go over our plays over and over again, one or two hours every night."

h/t to BTSC and specifically DrinkYourMilkshake for the inspiration!

Has it really come to this, ladies and gents?

Yes, it has.

Get over it.

Alternate version, if that's your thing...

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Rodney Harrison Is Done Playing With Balls...

2009-06-03T13:30:00.011-04:00

Yes, folks. Everything you've heard is true.

Rodney Harrison is finally retiring after 15 seasons of fun and moral turpitude with the San Diego Chargers and New England Patriots.

In honor of this momentous occasion, I'd say he was one of the best Safeties to ever play the game. That is, if he wasn't a big time dickhead and a steroid user.

I hear he holds some records like most sacks by a defensive back in NFL history.

I guess they conveniently forgot to mention that he also holds the record for biggest cock sucker.

Go figure.

All I've got to say about this clown is that it's awfully interesting that after being suspended for four games in '07 for steroid use, he only made it seven weeks through the '08 season before suffering a season ending muscle tear. And now, he's retiring.

But hey, I'm just being a dick.

The fact is, he missed just over half of the games over the last four seasons due to injury (and suspension).

Plus, I mean, at 36 years old, who really wants to destroy their body week in and week out when you've already got millions of dollars in the bank?

Besides Brett Favre, of course.

So anyways, good riddance.

Enjoy retirement.

10 bucks says you get fined at some point this season anyway.

Hard to keep a good man down, you know?

In other news, Ben apparently limped off the practice field today.

Before we all shit ourselves in fear, let's remember who we're talking about here...

And also that it's June 3rd.

Not to downplay this development, but we don't know anything about the extent. For all we know he could've stepped on one of the nails Silverback chews during practice.

Let's just hope for the best.

I'll update you when I know more...or you can watch NFL Network at 7PM if you're one of the lucky ones who can actually get NFL Network.

In conclusion, eff Cablevision.

Thank you, and good afternoon!

UPDATE: It sounds like Ben is fine and there will be no further updates. So you can all back off the ledge now.

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Headline of the Day...

2009-06-02T12:30:00.003-04:00

What do you do when there's nothing worthwhile to write about?

Well, besides post a YouTube video, that is...

Yep.

LINK DUMP!

Thank God for everyone else on the internets, because if you had to rely on my own feeble brain for entertainment, things could get a little hairy.

Today's "headline?"

"Cocks of a feather stick together."

I should've been a newsman. Missed opportunity.

And now for the links...

Big Ben loses out to his buddy Lebron in that awards thing everyone mentioned last week...but at least the Ben to Santonio play in the Super Bowl got "Play of the Year"...because, you know, everyone measures success by whether or not you win an "award" from the Spike network... [PSaMP]

An autographed pic from James Harrison? Who do I have to blow? I mean... [Blogbuster Sports Page]

Random AQ Shipley fact of the day - he scored 40 out of 50 on the Wonderlic [Trib]

John Clayton thinks the Ravens with "catch" the Steelers in either '09 or '10...which of course means jack shit [ESPN]

Florio's #7 worst offseason move = The Steelers franchising Max Starks...and I can't necessarily disagree...but I also found his #1 rather interesting... [The Sporting News]

Ziggy is impressing at OTAs...Ziggy Hood, that is. Not to be confused with Sean's Ziggy... [SteelCityInsider]

The Pens may be down, but 2-0 doesn't mean they're dead in the water. Reference: Caps series [The Legend of Vincent Tremblay]

It's a tough job, but someone's gotta keep blogging ignorance in check. Vern is a good man. And thorough... [You Lay On The Ice Like A Broad!]

It's always nice to see the Pirates win, but you can't really ignore the Mets lineup in this one... [WHYGAVS]

Holy blast from the past! [Deadspin]

Charlie Brown throwing out the first pitch was about as successful as the movie Snow Dogs [Sean's Ramblings]

"That's what she said" FAIL(?) ...er, something like that... [FAIL Blog]

Nothing screams "sexy" like a family full of cowboy hats. How do I get a ticket to THAT rodeo? [Sexy People]

Maticulous at Huckleberry Bar - June 12th. You should probably be there. [Maticulous Music]

"Best Song to Sing In Your Car" - get your submissions to Sheena by Friday! [Sheena Beaston]

Sometimes, a statement is so hypocritical you can taste it... [Grumpy Old Dog]

What NOT to do at weddings... [KB Toys With...]

Closing notes/after thoughts of the day...

1. Due to the size of these internets and my lack of time for surfing them, there may be some good pieces of news I missed. Oops, my bad.

2. I am literally counting the seconds until training camp. Which reminds me, if any of you are going to camp on a specific set of dates, email me. Tec and I will likely be making the annual pilgrimage and it'd be nice to meet some of you in person. Maybe share a beverage or two at Sharky's...who knows.

3. Meeting People Is Easy will actually be appearing this week. I'm calling it now. If you wanna be on this week's panel, you can assure yourself a spot by emailing me. Otherwise, you can probably just respond to the email I send out if you're part of the cast of usual suspects.

4. Please forgive the recent intermittent frequency of posting. There are a number of contributing factors, but the most salient is that I have nothing to say. Shocking, I know. I can hardly believe it, myself.

5. Balls

...just go with it.

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That'd Be Pretty Sweed, I Guess...

2009-05-29T12:30:00.001-04:00

Just a little love note to let you know that Limas Sweed has topped Pat Kirwan's list of receivers with under 15 catches in '08 who should bust out in '09.

Honestly, I'd be happy if he just caught the balls that were thrown to him. But whatev.

By the way - that's what she said.

Happy Friday!

/top 10 OFTOT photoshops of all time for sure

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Allegiances...

2009-05-29T11:40:00.001-04:00

Big Ben - From Ohio, no competing franchise in Pittsburgh...

Acceptable fandom.

Cowher - From Pittsburgh, Hurricanes playing Pittsburgh Penguins...

Unacceptable fandom.

Now, what have we learned?

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Screw Spygate, How About Twittergate 2009?

2009-05-28T16:00:00.008-04:00

Wednesday, May 27 - approximately 6:30 PM...

Wednesday, May 27 - approximately 8:00 PM...

Uh...BLOCK city.

Nice try, Cleveland...

I'm going to take an extra shower today just because of this.

Seriously, WTF?

PS - Domski with the big time assist on the Cleveland video. High five!

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Billy Shakespeare Said It Best...

2009-05-28T10:55:00.007-04:00

By now you've probably caught wind of the latest garbage over at EPSN that's sweeping Steeler nation - this debate between some guy named James Walker (who?) and Len Pasquarelli.

It seems much umbrage, or I guess some umbrage at least, stems from the fact that Pasquarelli said he thinks the Pats are the #1 team in the league, over the Steelers (who he placed at #9 because he thinks the Pats defense is better than the Steelers defense).

Now, putting aside the obvious flaw in Pasquarelli's logic, I guess we first have to keep in mind that it's still the offseason. News is at a premium. So as a "respectable" sports news outlet, ESPN has to do what it has to do to keep the minds of the football-loving masses (and I guess Pats fans too) stimulated.

But also, frankly guys, let's be honest - who really cares?

1. It wouldn't be an "entertaining" column if everyone agreed.

2. It's ESPN.

3. Let this shit be decided on the field.

4. You can't really argue with six Lombardi trophies in the 1st place.

5. It's May.

6. It's ESPN.

7. Any way you slice it, everyone can admit that the Steelers are at or near the top of the list.

8. Pasquarelli was the only dissenter who put the Steelers any lower than #1.

9. He seriously has the Carolina Panthers ranked 3rd.

10. The first paragraph of the piece reads...

"When it comes to NFL dominance and consistency, few teams rival the New England Patriots and Pittsburgh Steelers. With five Super Bowl titles between them since 2000, they're the two contenders for the mythical title of "Team of the Decade."

I think that in and of itself is pretty flattering for the Steelers.

So why all the animosity?

We all know the Steelers are a great team. Period.

And listen, the Pats, as much as it pains me like a kick in the balls to say, are still a pretty good team too; especially with Brady coming back.

So I don't really think we should take this as all that disrespectful.

It's certainly not as disrespectful as Peter King continually picking Carson Palmer over Big Ben in his list of top QBs. Nor is it as disrespectful as Ray Lewis' continued existence on this Earth.

Besides, we all know the Bengals are the team to beat this year anyhow.

So let's all just take a deep breath, visualize the Pens abusing Chris Osgood like he's Cam Ward, and then calm ourselves by watching this episode of Yinz Luv Da 'Guins...

And look at it this way - tomorrow's Friday.

You really can't be mad about that.

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Good Luck Pens!

2009-05-27T01:25:00.002-04:00

Congrats to Sid and the Pens for sweeping the Carolina Hurricanes in epic fashion with a 4-1 win last night.

With those four goals, the Pens rounded out the Eastern Conference Finals with an average of five goals a game...

Next up, the Stanley Cup finals against either the Red Wangs or the Blackcocks.

If I had to sum up the Eastern Conference Finals in one picture, this would probably be it...

And lastly...

Looks like sour grapes city to me.

Stanley Cup finals, hoooooooooooooooooo!

Go Pens!!

/Steelers news is not happening today

[Post Title Here] Whatever...

2009-05-26T10:00:00.004-04:00

First things first - since I got about three hours of sleep last night, and they were between 1 and 4 AM, suffice it to say that I'll be lucky if this post makes even an ounce of sense.

I'm hoping for the best, but fearing the worst.

So, I guess just keep that in mind. Or something.

But I digress...

The biggest current news of note is James Harrison's pit bull attacking (or "mauling" as the press has termed it) his two year old son.

Here's what we know about the situation...

1. Harrison wasn't home when it happened
2. Harrison's son's mother WAS there when it happened
3. Harrison kept the dog locked in a kennel behind his home
4. The pit bull attacked when the child fell down and started to cry
5. This is a horrific situation for any parent

Now, I don't think it's any secret that I, like all of you, love Silverback. But I also love dogs.

That being said, my opinion on the matter is basically - Why does Harrison own a pit bull that he keeps locked in a kennel out back of his home that would attack a crying two year old?

Last time I checked, pit bulls have a penchant attacking other dogs, but not people, unless trained to do so, or something like that. And since the dog wasn't even kept in his home, it doesn't seem like it was a cherished family pet or something.

So I guess what I'm saying is - Sorry James, I can't really get your [Silver]back on this one.

Oh well, at least it got him on NYTimes.com...

Next, apparently the Steelers visiting the White House meant some Kindergartners didn't get to check out the Oval Office.

To which I say - big deal...

1. Terrorism is everywhere, and
2. Do YOU think those little kids could stuff 3,000 USO packages?

I rest my case.

And finally, Willie Parker.

From what I can tell, there has been little if any talk between Parker and the Steelers on re-signing him beyond next season (this is the last year of his contract).

As we all know, the Steelers usually like to get these things out of the way before the season starts - which they have done already with Silverback and Hines, and are apparently currently doing with Max Starks.

So the fact that we haven't heard anything seems like a little red flag.

Will Mendenhall be the feature back of the future supported by Mewelde Moore? Or are the Steelers just waiting until closer to the season to take care of this?

Feel free to add your own opinion in the comments, but as far as I'm concerned, with an uncapped year coming in 2010, and Mendenhall still largely unproven, you want to try and keep Fast Willie around for a little longer...even if he did have a sub par year in '08.

Sorry for the lack of jokes today. It's tough to be funny when you feel like your eyes could involuntarily close at any point.

Do with this what you will...then go vote Big Ben for most unstoppable jock.

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WIN.

2009-05-26T00:01:00.004-04:00

Congratulations.

If you're reading this post it must be between the hours of midnight and nine AM eastern standard time.

Because after that, I'll have something real to post.

Turds.

That's a funny word.

Just wanted to say it.

Keep it real,

- C man

Happy Memorial Day!

2009-05-25T19:18:00.003-04:00

I don't really care to blog on holidays.

But I don't know that I'd really qualify what you're about to read as a "blog post," per se. So technically, I think I'm adhering to the rules (which isn't saying much considering that I make them).

"Substantive" post to come tomorrow. Or later tonight. It's anybody's guess at this point. But in either case you know it will be one of the most interesting posts of the year...being that the most important things in football happen at the end of May and all.

PS - I hope you changed the batteries in your sarcasm detectors over the weekend. Otherwise, that one might not register.

Anyways, Happy Memorial Day! And a BIG TIME thanks goes out to the men and women who have served, are serving, and will serve to protect this country. You all are to be honored today. Hopefully you got the reverence you deserve.

If I was a more worthwhile human being I'd probably contribute more to society than just this blog. But let's be honest, we all know what the score is here...

I'll see you guys tomorrow.

xoxoxoxo,

- The Patriot

Good To See Everyone Kept Their Pants On...

2009-05-22T11:25:00.008-04:00

20 bucks says the Steelers were more productive yesterday than most of us have been in our entire adult lives.

By now I'm sure you've read all about it.

Instead of just welcoming them in, shaking their hands, pausing for a few choice photo ops, and then sending them on their way, President Barack Hussein Obama had the team pitch in to stuff approximately 3,000 USO care packages for our troops overseas...

Without making an overt political statement, all I'll say is...change we can believe in, indeed.

Frankly, I'd wax poetic about this for several paragraphs, but Tec pretty much said it all in his post yesterday.

It's only fitting that the Steelers were the first team Obama congratulated and put to work for the benefit of those who are serving our country.

Now, why Arlen Specter's face was up in all this, is another story...

...one that I think we all can pretty much figure out on our own.

But that's neither here nor there.

Anyways, instead of engaging in any type of extended discussion on the subject, I figured I would simply share with you all of the images of yesterday's festivities I could find. By the looks of it, Silverback really missed a lot.

Oh, and if the Steelers win Super Bowl XLIV too, I really think they should rename the White House, the Black and Gold House...

Now, enjoy these pretty pics, which I think provide a perfect, natural segue into Memorial Day weekend...

Right, sorry. One more thing - GO PENS!!!

Happy long weekend, my pretties! Soak up some sun. Grill up some tasty treats. And most importantly, drink up! See ya next week.

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Headline of the Day...

2009-05-21T11:45:00.001-04:00

Hot Off The Presses: Brett Keisel loves his job.

Good to know that the train of relevant Steelers news keeps on rollin'.

Yeah, I got nothing...

So, photoshop, woooooooooooo!

Abbreviated post, abbreviated link dump...

THE definitive 2009 Pens playoff tribute video [PSaMP]

Seriously, who cares if Silverback goes to the White House or not? Let's just move past it... [Grumpy Old Dog]

Because I really care what Jon Stewart thinks about James Harrison not meeting Obama... [Comedy Central]

Josh Cribbs not feeling the love from Cleveland... [Plain Dealer]

Carson Palmer is giving Tom Brady advice [Sporting News]

But yet, he's also got some choice words for Chad Johnson [ESPN]

Asian Pete Rose...hahahahahaha [Hugging Harold Reynolds]

Pay careful attention to the pic at the end...what a study! [Cheese People]

Shero's visualizing a win...

Go Pens.

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