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Confessions: Journal me Fleshy

2012-01-28T21:20:00.001-05:00

A quick change of pace then back to the LOT... actually, this is VERY much the LOT...so, please, keep reading because to be honest if you are curious what MY heart looks like from day to day, you're about to find out.

I woke up this past Sunday morning feeling...FLESHY. You know, that moment when you want to say everything on your mind with no repercussions. I knew exactly what I WAS NOT to do and exactly what I WAS, but I DIDN'T want to do it. God was telling me to sit tight. Be silent. NOT do a thing. But in my flesh, I wanted to act. I wanted to step in and speak my mind. The last think I wanted to do was wait. I'd pray about it and then talk out loud to myself. Truth is, I wrestled. WWF Flesh vs Spirit kind of wrestled. The more I wrestled, the more FLESH led I became and the more flesh that appeared, the further I drifted from Truth. The further I drifted from Christ.

"I do not understand my own actions. For I do not do what I want, but I do the very thing I hate...sin dwells within me. For I know that nothing good dwells in me, that is, my flesh. For I have the desire to do what is right, but not the ability to carry it out."

Romans 7:15-18

I was standing in the bathroom when I felt the Spirit tell me to hit the floor. I don't mean pound the floor with my fist. I mean, nose to floor, laid out silence. Minutes ticked on the clock. Church was getting closer and my flesh was still winning. I had justified every one of my thoughts, forcing myself to believe my way was right. However, as much as I wanted to flesh step, I couldn't because I knew it was wrong. The guilt over my flesh felt worse than the flesh itself. I was to wait. I was to watch. I was to see the power of God break and work in hearts. I was not to enter but to remain still. My stomach sickened at my desire for flesh just minutes before. Guilt formed until I felt I was wrong to even approach God. I went back to the days of feeling unworthy, not welcomed in His presence. I went back to LIES. Lies that formed themselves as truth. Wolves in sheepskin. I could hear the clock ticking away my flesh. Time in His presence. Ticking away the lies. Healing words spoken over my soul.

"Therefore, brothers [Makaela], since we have confidence to enter the holy places by the blood of Jesus, by the new and living way that he opened for us through the curtain, that is, through his flesh, and since we have a great priest over the house of God, let us [Makaela] draw near with a true heart in full assurance of faith, with our hearts sprinkled clean from an evil conscience and our bodies washed with pure water. Let us [Makaela] hold fast the confession of our hope without wavering,

for he who promised is faithful."

Hebrews 10:19-23

How quickly the flesh drowns truth. Pulls away from light. Light cannot mask itself. Light is True within. Light is Truth within. Christ is Light.

Identify the Lie: Too much evil. Too much flesh. Unworthy. Unwelcome. I cannot approach.

Claim the Truth: Draw near. I have been claimed, cleansed with Truth, and forgiven.

To believe the lie is to keep from His presence. To keep from Truth. Wolves devour. Defeat the deceived. The lie bears oppression, guilt, and shame. The lie is NOT Christ. Is not growth. Is not Truth. Identify the lie. Kill the lie.

Confidence is mine. As His children, confidence is ours. Confidently approach no matter the weight of guilt. Walk in TRUTH. Walk in Christ. For He who shed His blood, slew sins curse. Cleared your path. Cleansed your heart. Washed you pure. HOLD STEADY. HOLD TO HOPE. WAIVER NOT from Truth. He who promised is faithful.

When a Girl Meets Truth

2012-01-15T23:20:00.000-05:00

It's VIDEO time!

God is teaching me so much about my heart that at times I can't stand how it looks. Even tonight. However, God has good news for us. Through Him, nothing can keep us bound to the chains that restrict life and freedom.

CLICK THE LINK BELOW!!!!!

http://vimeo.com/35080193

1 Peter 1:9 says, "He has called us to a holy life. Not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace through Christ Jesus. This grace was given to us from the beginning of time."

A Holy Life means ridding anything that separates you from God. From evil, to deceit, to slander, to rage, to unforgiveness, to immorality, to foolish talk. Walking in obedience to this call means being willing to be sanctified. Think of open heart surgery. You are on the operating table and God is surgeon. Are you willing to let God look at every faucet of your heart, mind and soul? Even further...are you willing to let him work?

A Holy Life is not easy. Sanctification is not easy. But in the end...beautiful.

The Least of These-Part 3

2012-01-14T23:45:00.000-05:00

Activities. Treasure. Family. Christmas. Winter's gift wrapped at our door. Reflections of God's love. A tiny babe. A sin-crazed world. A woman whose future unknown, but a future confirmed. An invitation from God himself. A love that saved her soul. A husband who believed. An offering of grace to the dying human race. Gentle drifts of peace. Barren souls that cease. Love closer than a breath stirs the soul and everyone that hears, craves to be whole.

His birth is why I live. Why I have freedom. Why I have peace. Why I know who I am...How do I know? How does anyone know? When the mirror shatters, you finally see...

Dressed in rags, I showed up to the shelter to take Jessica to the grocery store. It was a day like any other except I was comfortable staying home and being lazy. A lazy heart is not a Kingdom heart. I hate to admit it, but I wasn't very Kingdom minded that day. I was led by duty and duty does nothing to please the Lord.

She was waiting on the curb when I arrived. I reached over and pulled the handle letting her in. Jessica had just returned from the Meth clinic. As a result, her speech was slurred, eyes half shut, and most of her sentences held little meaning. It took 60 seconds to cross from poverty to prestige. One house stood condemned and next to it stood a mansion. Silent sidewalks. Invisible lines...

We neared the local Starbucks and Jessica perked up. She begged for the detour so we pulled in. As soon as the door opened, the stench of self-righteousness filled the air. I may have been wearing the heaviest of its perfume. Every eye was upon us and every eye had cast judgment. I cast judgement. I became embarrassed of her behavior, her words, her dress that I forgot my own dress. Five minutes she poured sugar crystals, now coating her undrinkable latte. I had made my excuse for her, but the barista had grace waiting on the counter. Jessica graciously took her new drink and we walked out. Her proud. Me ashamed. Having a heart that serves didn't make me righteous and my emotions only made me human.

Nonetheless, I wanted to go home. I was selfish. I was prideful. I didn't want to be her. And then she said it..."Taste my drink." Me, "No. I have my own. I'm sure yours is fine." "Try it. It doesn't taste right. See?" Me, "No." This time she meant her words, "TRY MY DRINK." It was a moment of rejection. So, I drank and as I drank she announced..."I got tested for AIDS this week."

Silence. I could feel my throat swelling by the second.

And then...if verbal rejection wasn't enough...I spit her drink on my window.

"It came back negative. That's one good thing, right?" Me, "Wonderful!" I had a double meaning. I was scared. I knew AIDS could not be passed through saliva, but I couldn't help but wonder what other disease she carried. I looked at her as a stray dog and I questioned every reason I was in that home. Why God had me there. Why my husband insisted I lead a Bible study.

We drove around the corner to the grocery store. The stares worsened. My heart worsened. All I wanted was Scope or soap, anything that would rid the distaste of my mouth and heart. Jessica became loud with the customers and employees. At one point in the check out line, one woman looked ME up and down. She judged me. She labeled me. She did NOT like me. I made her sick. I made myself sick. My eyes said "Stop it!" My heart screamed, "I am NOT HER! I am NOT her! I AM NOT HER!" Could she see my heart? How I had become?

I had a few minutes by myself as Jessica ran in for something she forgot. I cried. I screamed. I called my husband. I texted a friend for prayer. Prayer...Prayer to protect MY body. I should have asked for a heart surgeon.

"The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

Jeremiah 17:9

That's when my life began to change. I looked like Jessica that day. My ripped jeans, torn sweatshirt, dirty feet...on the outside, in that neighborhood, I was her equal. On the inside...The VERY LEAST, desperate for Truth to invade a very mislead heart. Who was I to place myself above her? I KNEW better! Jessica knew no Truth.

I built a healthy life. Worked to make it good. Desired to "DO good." But I forgot my deepest need. His fulfillment.

The heart unites us. Makes us the same. That's why He came...to save the lost. Bind the broken-hearted. Heal the heart. Fulfill the law, fulfill the need. To give new life. Life in Him. Peace in Him. Joy in Him. He came for the least. We are least.

I believed I knew His Image. I only knew my own. And then I saw it. I saw the mirror. My mirror, shattering into a million pieces. Every lie disguised as truth fell broken to the ground. My image laid scattered at the cross. An empty mirror. Fragments now reflecting the heavens. His image seen, not my darkness. Heavenly light that breaks through cracks, destroys darkness, and offers grace. My identity claimed. Grace humbly received. An invitation accepted. This woman made whole. A future confirmed. His love that saved my soul.

"You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness."

Ephesians 4:22-24

The Least of These-Part 2

2011-11-13T02:07:00.001-05:00

When the mirror shatters, you finally see who you are...

I thought I knew who I was. Simple. Secure. Quiet. Strong. Steady. But when the pieces were scattered on the floor so was my identity.

I knew what I wanted out of life and I thought I had done a pretty good job attaining those dreams. I'd like to think that I have been pretty grounded in life itself. Living large has never really appealed to me. Money was never an issue, I just wanted to be stable. (My teacher's salary was proof at the end of 5 years. Not sure I ever exceed 20k and there was never a pressing need to drive the nicest car, wear or carry designer clothes or handbags. I was secure in the comforts of what I had and what I had/have is pretty good. That's not to say that I don't like to shop or lack a love of shoes and handbags. Believe me, this gal loves to shop!... I just don't crave the love of this world.

In my mirror, held by my own glue, stood a confident woman, who went to this home to share God's good Word with a hurting world...so I thought.

When I looked into Jessica's eyes I couldn't help but see a version of myself. The version I could potentially become. She was a junkie, attending a Methadone clinic daily to wean her off her addiction to Oxy. I felt bad for her. I saw her need and internally gave thanks for not being her. Terrible isn't it? That I would automatically think this? But, I did. I stood in that cold room less than a foot away from her, so close to the touch. I was intrigued by her, but my pride put us miles apart. I began to question my purpose in this home. In that moment, however, God extended a bridge. "Hold her," Jessica said. Reaching out, she place her the child in my arms. She wore a smile that proudly announced her name. "Cadence." My heart immediately locked into this child. "Cadence," I echoed. A pause before the end of a strain. The point of rest. God knew I needed Cadence. The pause at which life abruptly stops and the mirror shatters.

Several months passed when I received an unexpected call from the Director of the home. "Makaela, I need you to come over...it's Jessica."

The winter's chill greeted me at the door. My hands trembling, but not at its will. As I approached, I saw Gloria. Her dark, blank stare matched her stammering words. "She's upstairs." It wasn't ten seconds before I was running through her door. "Jessica!" I screamed. Her body was unresponsive. Breathing, yes, but no life in her eyes. Below her limp body, a bed intended for rest. A physical reminder of our peace in Christ. Our Comforter. Our shelter.

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest." Matthew 11:28

She was a zombi. Her lifeless hands laid cold. Reaching for her chin, I quietly whispered her name again. How desperately we needed God. "Intercede, Abba!" my soul cried. "Jessica, look at my eyes."

Silence. Darkness. Oppression. Fear.

Her lips moved. Eyes drifted towards mine. She clumsily spoke my name. And then...that beautiful smile. "Praise you, Father!" I breathed a sigh of relief. "That you would see us here in this moment. Surrounded by horror." Minutes passed when she finally came around. Cadence had woke from her nap. Crying for milk, Jessica grabbed a spoiled bottle and put it in the baby's mouth. "I'll fix her a new one," I offered. "Show me where you keep the formula." Her nervous laugh spoke a thousand words as she fumbled for anything that looked new.

I couldn't help but think of all the spoiled milk I drank over the years. Feeding on lies. Living on words that destroyed my soul. I, like Eve, learned to cover my sin, deceiving my own heart of the nourishment I so desperately needed-The Bread of Life. John 6

"...The serpent deceived me and I ate." Genesis 3:13

Like Cadence, like me, she too needed to be fed. Making our home on the aged floor, I turned to the Gospels. We talked about God seeing us and knowing our needs. Rescuing us. Wanting to be the lover of our hearts. Her coherence was limited. Her mind would engage for only a minutes time. In mid-sentence, she would slip away and her mind was gone. Hugging my knees during those barren moments, utterances of Truth flowed from my lips. "You love her. You see her. You know her...You love me. You see me. You know me." She wanted the Word. She wanted REST, but rest was stolen.

"A farmer went out to sow his seed. As he was scattering the seed, some fell along the path, and the birds came and ate it up. Some fell on rocky places, where it did not have much soil. It sprang up quickly, because the soil was shallow. But when the sun came up, the plants were scorched, and they withered because they had no root. Other seed fell among thorns, which grew up and choked the plants. Still other seed fell on good soil, where it produced a crop-a hundred, sixty or thirty times what was sown. Whoever has ears, let them hear." Matthew 13:3-9

I wish I could say the seed fell on good soil. I left that day with a hole in my heart. I left with a burden for her to feed and be satisfied with the Bread of Life.

I left that day with a burden that I, too, would feed and be satisfied with his life. Sitting on the floor that day confirmed the wrestling in my heart. I am here because of Him, and HE is here for ME.

"Then Jesus declared, "I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty." John 6:35

The Least of These-Part 1

2011-11-12T23:24:00.001-05:00

The Least of These...

When two worlds collide, it is hard not to get lost. Lost in who you are, who you were, who you will become. When two worlds collide, the mirror shatters and you see...you finally see...

Who you are, what you are made of, what you lack, what you long for, what you pray will change.

The mirror began to crack when I saw her. Her long blonde hair framing the frailty of her face. She looked up. Her blue eyes meeting mine. She captivated me. As if trying to prove herself, she greeted me with a gentle kiss. She didn't need to kiss my cheek to make me like her. I already did and I didn't even know her name. Fragments of her home were nestled in the grass beneath our feet. Grabbing my hand, she pulled me forward. My feet meeting hers. Sifting through the rummage, she drew out a beautiful dress. "What do you think?" she asked, twirling around in her make believe bedroom. I could see her, once young, serenaded by the graceful piano. "It's beautiful," I quietly replied. But it wasn't. It was too big. Her frame too small. She had no business wearing it. It was made for someone much larger than her. Not to mention, it was filthy. The dust of the earth covered it's once beautiful lace. But she didn't care. "It's perfect," she proudly said as she giggled running past me.

I liked her and still...no name.

I hadn't taken notice at first, but the minute I stepped into the home, I saw. Who was this girl? Her grace and beauty intrigued me. "Come upstairs!" echoed through the long stairwell. Catching the heels of her feet with my eye, I couldn't help but wonder, "Have I taken these steps before?" With each creak in that wooden home, my curiosity grew. I knew the answer to my own question. Those familiar steps were seen years before except the steps were laced in blades of grass. And the woman, her name was Andrea. Her home, a city park.

I crested the last step. Confused, I called out, "Hello?" "In here!" she said. My feet led the way. The narrow hall took me past several rooms, each claimed by lives who had no place to lay their heads. Pictures lined the walls of family members once loved. Words lined the rooms offering hope for the weary. The beating of my heart played the melody as I walked closer to her voice. I had no idea the connection God had waiting for me.

"Welcome to my room. It's not much, but for now it's home."

I couldn't help but stare. A single mattress and two dressers encased the room. In the corner stood a lone crib. Pacifiers. Diapers. "Oh!" she whispered. "This is my baby. Isn't she beautiful?"

"Who are you?" I blurted out. So much for being discrete. She paused. "I'm Jessica." I was lost in that very moment. That moment was when I knew...

I am here for her, but maybe...maybe I am here because God is here for me.......

Update on Ethan

2011-11-10T22:56:00.001-05:00

by Jamie Chitwood

It has been so nice to have two weeks off, especially for Ethan. I am sure he has truly enjoyed just being a normal 4 year old! During this time both boys have celebrated their birthdays- Connor turned 2 and Ethan turned 4. We had a little pirate party for them in Connecticut. As a special gift, they received a big ol' Noreaster :) We lost our power and a few trees, but we were blessed- we were able to leave early and head down to Virginia for a little warmth and hot showers, as well as much needed time to visit the Southern side of our family! They were so great to us and even threw the boys another birthday party. While we were down there, we were able to visit our old home church. It was so, so good to see all of our old friends and hear a great sermon. It's so very interesting...our pastor spoke at one point about how God talks to us, and one guy specifically mentioned that God had spoken so clearly to him through the pastor that he felt the pastor was speaking directly to him...Ben and I left that night feeling like God was speaking directly to us.

Ethan's MRI is coming up this Monday morning at 7:30. We are asking that everyone please pray for a GREAT report. Going back to the sermon from while visiting Virginia, both Ben and I know that God can choose to answer our prayers for Ethan any way He so wants- halting the tumor for the time being, allowing it to grow, or completely erradicating it. While I am praying mightily for Ethan to be healed (and I DO believe he will be), I have faith that God's answer to this on-going prayer of ours will be the BEST, no matter the outcome. If nothing else, throughout this crazy journey we are on, I have come to truly ache for those who do not KNOW Jesus as their Savior. All I know is that the nights when I have been so overcome by grief, Jesus has been right there beside me, holding me, and helping me to just make it to the next moment. When I have bubbled over with laughter at the beautiful antics of my sweet boys, He has been right there smiling and laughing with me. Regardless of how much life sucks right now (and at moments it does), I do NOT doubt that Jesus is holding my hand leading me along this path. He has not left me and has promised He never will. I am so thankful to have His strength for both Ben and myself, as well as for our boys. Every night we pray with the boys that God would help them, that He would grow them strong, that He would heal Ethan, and even more importantly, that both boys would come to know and love Jesus. I pray the same for each of you. I pray that you would never find yourself in the same situation we are in, but wherever God leads you I pray that you will rely on Him to hold onto you and carry you through.

Again, Ben and I would like to thank all of you for your continued prayers. It means so much to us and I truly believe God has heard every prayer and is answering mightily!

The Least is NOT always what it seems.

2011-11-01T09:21:00.003-04:00

I am now VIDEO BLOGGING! Such an exciting adventure.

Bear with me this week as I am trying my best to post a Video Blog. It is something new that I have fallen in love with. Well, not so new to the internet/blogging world, but new to me.The only problem is I cannot seem to get blogger to load it, and it is too long for YouTube. I was able to load it on Vimeo here.

http://vimeo.com/31413216

Definition of LEAST

superlative of little
1: lowest in importance or position
2: a : smallest in size or degree
b : being a member of a kind distinguished by diminutive size
c : smallest possible : slightest

The Least is not always what it seems.

THIS IS THE BEST WAY TO WATCH until I can get the video directly on my blog. It'd be so much easier to have it posted on here, but for now PLEASE click the link and watch. I really am enjoying this "vlogging" stuff. I'm learning and hopefully the more I chat, the more I'll learn to condense my thoughts.

Love you all!

The Night Sky

2011-10-23T23:08:00.001-04:00

You should have seen the sky last night…Or morning, 3:30 came early. I fought getting up and, no, this is not routine. What is routine is Lillie coming in our room in the middle of the night. My girl loves to be held close. She crawled in and tucked her little toes under the blanket and proceeded to steal my pillow. In the stillness of the night, I lay there wrestling with my thoughts. Then came that moment: the moment the Spirit beckons you to come. “Get up. Come to me.” I didn’t jump out of bed. Instead, I weighed my options. After five minutes, the option to stay in bed no longer appealed to me. Seconds had passed when I heard His Spirit impress upon my heart, “If you don’t get up, you will miss it.” Miss what? I wondered…”Me.”

Anticipating my next few moments with God in prayer, I started down stairs and headed to the back door to let my dog outside. Our rickety old door wobbled open. I peeked through the crack of the door and with a heavy sigh, I breathed the words “Are you there? Do you really have something for me?” Lillie’s swing set was in my line of sight. Many hours are spent on those rusty old swings. “God?”

“I Am…Step out.”

A 12 inch step became my “One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind.” (Neil Armstrong) The frozen ground sent chills to my bones. I grabbed both sides of my robe, wrapped my arms tightly around my waist and sealed in what little body heat I had left. “Lord…” I uttered. “Look up,” he said.

And in that next moment, I found myself gasping at the greatness of the night sky. If you follow my blog, you know how captivated I am by the stars. The creativity of God is hard to fathom: Galaxy upon galaxy; Stars upon stars. Dust, gas, stars and planets all orbiting in perfection around our galaxy’s galactic center; and not just orbiting or rotating, but spinning at intense speeds. I haven’t mentioned how spectacular the constellations were. Their brightness could point your way home. It was as if God flipped the switch to the heavens like lights on Broadway. One small step propelled me into His presence. Stepping out and looking up; pure bliss. How on earth anyone can truly believe we came into existence by a thunderous bang leaves me speechless. The human mind is limited and can only fathom that which makes sense. But God…

Remember the scene from Aladdin when he and Jasmine are on the magic carpet? (Go ahead and get it out of your system…A Whole New World)

God's magnificence ushered me to sit among His handiwork. Raised high above the frozen earth, God made his stars my home, if but for a moment. Feet dangling in His darkness, I rested in God’s grand design. No artist could ever paint a portrait better than the creator of Heaven and earth. No bang could ever place into existence that which God holds in His hands. When I receive a treasure such as this one, I am encouraged to press on knowing my trust is not in man, but the God who holds man.

If you are searching for truth or for answers, just look up. For God is more than a concept. God is Truth, who put your life into existence.

If you have Questions…Please…ask.

Praying for Ethan

2011-10-19T11:03:00.001-04:00

Praying for Ethan

This is Lillie's little friend, Ethan. He will be turning 4 in November and is a blessing to say the least. His precious little smile and tiny, but grown-up glasses melt my heart. Ethan had been having an onset of seizures and has been diagnosed with inoperable brain cancer. For those of you who attend Living Word or know the Chitwoods, you are already familiar with their story, but for those of you who do not, I want to share the joy of a family who through fire and hell, praise the Lord. Amazingly, beyond their own struggles, they offer hope and support for others in need. They are a selfless family who, though despite the hurts and pains of their own lives, desire for others to know the peace of God in every circumstance. The Chitwoods have since moved back home while Ben has been deployed several times over the past year.

We love this family dearly and I miss the heck out of them. Jamie has stood by me through much of our infertility, always offering words of encouragement, prayer and friendship. I cannot tell you the amount of times I have received a message from her just after their visit to the hospital asking how things are going with me and extending prayer over OUR family. I never have the right words to respond because I cannot get over the heart that God has given to this gal. She is a jewel; a hero; a fighter and a woman I am truly honored to call friend. Though they are gone, it's as if they have never left. Every time Jamie sends updates on their Facebook Page, Praying for Ethan, I cannot seem to keep my tears from flowing; and I know I am not the only one. As I sat last night under the stars with other women from our church, I couldn't help but be amazed with the love that is poured over the Chitwoods. They are loved. They are family. When their hearts break, ours break. When tears flow, ours flow right beside them. But when THEY PRAISE, oh how WE PRAISE!...even when tears flow.

Please keep them in your prayers. God is faithful to show us His character in midst of our lives both good and bad. He is faithful to show us His strength. He is faithful to show us His power and He IS faithful to sustain us!

"Cast your cares on the LORD and he will sustain you; he will never let the righteous fall...But as for me, I trust in you." Psalm 55:22,23b

Here is their story...
Chitwood Family Update 10/18/11

Wow! What a week it has already been! As many of you know, Ben made it home safe and sound from Afghanistan! He and the 313th made it stateside around a week ago Sunday. At that point we were still planning on him flying into CT sometime Saturday. I got a call Wednesday afternoon that we could actually come pick him up Saturday morning....so began a whirlwind few days of making travel plans, booking a hotel, packing, cleaning, and finishing our "Daddy's Home" surprises.

Friday, the boys and I loaded up and headed to NJ around 12:30. The "plan" was for them to sleep most3 of the 3 1/2 hour drive. However, 20 minutes into the ride, Ethan asked, "Mommy, are we there yet??" I was shocked (he's never asked this before. Ever.) and a little dismayed as I then knew it would be a L-O-N-G trip :) Our 3 1/2 hour trip turned into 5 1/2 hours as we drove through the Bronx, hit pouring rain, a traffic packed George Washington Bridge, and road work delays. However, I will say it was all worth it to see my handsome husband waiting for us at the front gate to the post and see the grins on my boys faces as they were frantically yelling out, "DADDY!!!!!" That evening we were able to meet some of the soldiers Ben worked with over this past year, especially the many who ran in a Live Strong race entitled, "Ethan's Run". It was so nice to hear Ethan tell them we had prayed for them and that they were heroes, and see Connor grin at each of them (and make his newest spitty sounds). Early Saturday morning Ben turned in the last of his paperwork and keys, and we headed HOME. Such a delightful word!

Today, Ethan went in for another full-treatment cycle. He was so proud to have Daddy with him and show him how brave he is. I cannot even begin to describe how proud I am of that little man. He wakes up and asks if he's going to the doctors...then when he gets the affirmative, he wants to know if he's getting his tubie in. Yup. Then he reminds me he needs his "white medicine" to numb it. Smarty pants! Once again, we are thanking God that his seizures have stayed away for another week and that his counts were fantastic! His hair is starting to slowly make it's way back to normal and he is now at the largest weight he's ever been- 15.9 kg!!!! We spent the day (10 a.m.- 4:45 p.m.) playing with 4 or 5 other patients and entertaining the nursing staff. As we finished out treatment, we looked over to see Ethan and a little 2 1/2 year old girl holding hands watching "Scooby Doo" together...how absoutely precious! I am so amazed how God has used Ethan to bring comfort to those little ones around him.

Connor is quickly adjusting to having Daddy home. He shows off ALL day and wants Ben's undivided attention. He LOVES to wrestle with Ben and be chased and grabs his hand to show him everything he's done or can do or might do. Although, I will say I do not believe Ben minds one little bit! He is completely smitten with his two little look-alikes.

As for me, I am content to enjoy this time in our ife watching three of my most precious gifts from God, all in the same place, njoying each other. It is moments like this that I know just how truly blessed I am.

We Will Never Forget

2011-09-11T23:59:00.001-04:00

Tap Dance Faith

2011-08-30T11:26:00.001-04:00

"Wait for the Lord; be strong and let your heart take courage; wait for the Lord! Psalm 27:14

Waiting seems to last forever. We wait, but we run. Doesn't make much sense, does it? To wait means to be still, but running shows movement. Our discipline to wait is like my dog waiting to devour the steak on our dinner table. She must wait, but she can't so she barks, jumps, flips, you get the picture.

Waiting is the hardest thing I have ever done. No matter what I wait for, I itch to move. I tap dance till I see the end. Like when we were waiting for Lillie to be born. We almost lost her at 5 months (during pregnancy). The first doctor was a tool. He joked at our crisis, trying to lighten the air when our daughter was fighting for her life. I had a tear in my placenta. That was the worst doctors visit. Waiting for the unknown seemed to shut me down; all but my nerves. My wardrobe was anything but fashionable that day and I'm not saying that to be cute. I was strapped with a heart monitor that was void of any heartbeat but my own. They sent me home on bed rest. Six weeks later, l finally breathed relief.

I learned to wait in prayer. I learned to call upon God. There was nothing I could do but wait.

My father-in-law spoke this past sunday on Daniel 6 when God shut the mouths of lions. Here is a quick rundown. Daniel had found favor in the eyes of King Darius. So much that the King planned to set him over the whole kingdom. This upset the other leaders so they sought out to find fault against Daniel. Daniel prayed often and because of his loyalty to God, these other leaders set into motion a law that anyone who went before any god other than the King would be thrown into the den of lions. When Daniel heard the decree had been signed by the King, he immediately when to his house to pray. He couldn't get to the house of God, but the God of the house was in his heart.

These men, whom Daniel had called friends, tested him, examined him, and waited for him to be devoured. They focused on what wasn't important forgetting what was. What they didn't know, however, was that Daniel made God the God of his everyday life. He learned to wait and in waiting through prayer and faith, he learned how to let God be God. Upon this, his faith was built.

So often I find myself in the waiting eager to act, or take control, or defend when none of my actions are necessary. You see, Faith builds trust and trust sustains us through the waiting.

Daniel was old. His bones probably ached with age. There was nothing Daniel could do but wait. He didn't turn into Rambo, killing the lion's with his hands. No, he asked God to show up. He asked God to do the impossible; to move his mountains. God shut their mouths; both the lions and the men who spoke against him. In the end, the people saw God.

Sometimes the waiting is greatest place to be. When you find yourself in the lion's den, let God be God and wait. Lay you cares in His hands, and walk confidently that God will come at the right time.

Charles Spurgeon wrote, "I will wait, if Thou keep me many a day, for my heart is fixed upon Thee alone, O God, and my spirit waiteth for Thee in the full conviction that Thou wilt yet be my joy and my salvation, my refuge and my strong tower."

God Made My Tears...It Is Okay To Cry

2011-07-07T08:54:00.005-04:00

God made my tears...it is okay to cry.

God made my emotions and feelings...it is okay to hurt.

But to dwell? I don't want to dwell. I want to walk and I want to walk Godward; I want to keep moving and pressing on. I do not want to dwell.

I am not pregnant.....Gosh darn-et!

Immediately after we had our IUI done, my husband asked me what percent I was (in thinking I was pregnant.) I told him 50/50 but with a little hope squeezed in. A little pessimistic because the 5 IUI's that we had in the past didn't work, but a little hopeful because we hadn't taken the Bravele and HCG shots before.

Hope...such an interesting word. Two hopes: earthly hope and heavenly hope. Merriam-Webster defines hope as "to cherish a desire with anticipation." In a worldly sense, we "hope" for a lot of things to happen. Money, love, friends, kids, life, gifts, even winning the lottery are all in the stew pot of hope. But what about the heavy things in life? The things that weigh us down? How does hope play in and where is hope resting?

What about the father or mother who is dying with cancer? Where is their hope? What about the family who has just buried their love one? What about the husband whose wife has left him? Or the wife who lives in the prison of her home? Or the 3 year old child with a brain tumor stealing his life away? What about the hope for him and his parents?

Every doctor and nurse that I have had in this process has made the same comment after each IUI. "Ready to get pregnant?" Hope. Earthly hope. Hope reliant upon the words of man. Words that are easily stripped away.

At some point, HOPE must turn into BELIEF and belief comes through TRUST and trust is knowing that your desire is going to be fulfilled. Heavenly hope. But what if the results of trust and believing and hoping DON'T result in your initial desire being fulfilled? What if the opposite happens?

What if I never get pregnant again? What if their cancer doesn't go away? What if the wife doesn't come back? And the woman? What if she never breaks free? What if the child...? We desire. We hope.

Six years ago, heck, six months ago I would have struggled with this. The desire for children is not selfish, nor are the desires for healing and life selfish. But what if the earthly answers we have for our trials take a different side than Truth? Where is our hope? What if the circumstance we face questions everything we have ever believed in? What then?

Psalm 51:6 "Surely you desire truth in the inner parts; you teach me wisdom

in the inmost place."

What if Truth is knowing the desire you once had now comes in second to a greater desire?

What if Psalm 37:4 is actually true?

"Delight yourself in the Lord and He will give you the desire of your

heart."

What if your greatest desire becomes delighting in Him? What is your hope then?

What if God becomes our desire? What if our hope becomes seeing Jesus in our circumstance? What if JESUS becomes our HOPE? What if...all you want in life becomes Him?

God's word is littered with truth. It radiates through every page. His love screams to us, but the ears and the eyes of our heart are deaf and blind.

What is Truth?

God is within me, I will not fall. He will help me at the break of day. (Ps. 46:5)

God will sustain me, He will never let me fall. (Ps. 55:22)

God covers me under His wings. He is my refuge. (Ps. 91:4)

I will find strength and joy in God's dwelling. (1 Chr. 16:27)

My heart is my offering; I can come before God. (1 Chr. 16:29)

Many have gone before me and were counted faithful. I will persevere. (Heb. 11)

I will never be left without Peace when I know Truth. (Philippians 4:8-9)

In my willingness and obedience, I will eat from the best of the land. (Isa. 1:18-20)

If I believe, I will receive whatever I ask in prayer. I ask for Jesus. (Matt. 21:21-22)

If I remain in God, my Faith will not falter. (2 Pt. 1:5-8)

We all have to start somewhere. Truth is always the best place to start.

It's THAT time!!! Our Journey to Pregnancy

2011-06-21T13:26:00.003-04:00

Tomorrow is the BIG day! I'm talking B-I-G.

Almost a month has passed since we began the next step in our journey to pregnancy. Today marks day 9 of taking the shots and tomorrow, well, tomorrow is the big day. I'll recap just so everyone can follow.

Bravelle is a fertility drug (follicle stimulating hormone-FSH) that is injected into the stomach at approximately the same time every night for approximately one week. The process that I have been through this week has looked like this:

Sunday-shot 1, Monday-shot 2, Tuesday-shot 3, Wednesday-ultra sound to look at the development of my eggs and shot 4, Thursday-shot 5, Friday-shots 6 &7, Saturday-shots 8 & 9, Sunday-shots 10 & 11 along with another ultra sound.

The purpose of this drug is pretty simple...mature the eggs.

The last step in this process before insemination is the HCG fertility drug that I took last night The HCG is a trigger shot that will, in so many words, give my eggs an extra push.

According to my doctor, everything looks great and tomorrow morning @ 9 am I will be having an IUI done. (you can look that up so I don't have to fully explain it on here : ) )

oh!.....I have 2 eggs that are right on track (in size) and a 3rd that is following closely behind. I'll let you think about the potential there. hehe...yes, the percentages are pretty good.

SO! ...Please pray for us around 9 am (EST).

Love you all!

Mak

2011-05-24T15:20:00.009-04:00

"In quietness and in confidence shall be your strength." Isaiah 30:15

After writing my previous post about our journey to pregnancy, I received many personal emails from friends who have both struggled with infertility and miscarriage. Truth be told, I was humbled by the response and I want you to know how much it means to me that you would entrust me with your hearts. So before I go any further in this post, "Thank You" to all of you who shared your story. I feel personally connected to you and am praying over your lives.

The Sunday following, one of our college students approached me at church after the service expressing her gratitude for sharing my heart. As she was speaking, I realized that I simply shared the path we are taking...I had yet to share in full HOW we have come to be content and full of joy in this process; the key component in our faith.

So exactly what is this Key Component, you ask? I can explain this in TWO words.

God's Glory

All of life has been created and purposed for ONE reason and Only ONE. TO REVEAL THE GLORY OF GOD. Period. My heart, your heart, my life, your life, my words, your words, my actions, your actions, creation, etc. ALL...Glory...to...God...the Maker of Heaven and Earth.

Want to know God's will for your life? Glorify the Lord in all you do. We were made to glorify God in everything, no matter what your life looks like; who you are to marry, who you are married to, where you work, what you eat, what you drink, how you speak, how you dress, or who you interact with: co-workers, friends, family. Everything in life was meant to be a reflection of God and his holiness; His glory. Let me take it even further. This means that when life doesn't "work out" the way we want it to, even how we respond to these disappointments should be glorifying to the Lord.

So here us just One Simple Truth that I have learned over the past couple of years.

GOD IS SOVEREIGN OVER MY LIFE.

In simple terms, it means that God does not react to life the way our human minds do. We freak out, lose control, worry, get anxious, wrestle with decisions, and beg for God to work in us. He, on the other hand, is well aware of all we walk through and is waiting for us to take his hand and trust him as he works in us. Even in the hardest trial, God is working mightily in your life and it just might be for the sole purpose of revealing his glory.

Frustration in life's circumstances, anger in the heart, jealousy, pride, bitterness, un-forgiveness, discontentment, cravings for this world, even a heart that desires to "keep up with the Jones' '", these are all sure signs that we do not fully believe that God is sovereign and is evidence that we do not worship the Creator of the Universe, but instead worship ourSELF. "You shall have no other gods before me" (Exodus 20:3) Our hearts are so deceived by the enemy that we cannot even get past the first of the Ten Commandments. We may not be out there comitting murder, or worshiping Baal, but we have learned how to set up an altar in our hearts and worship ourselves.

I have lived my entire life focused on MYSELF with a heart that loved the Lord. Though I have enjoyed life, my private outlook on life has always been one of seeing my circumstances in a negative light. I noticed that I was constantly frustrated when things were not going the way I had planned and as a result I became frustrated with God. I had always been taught that God loved me and wanted me to have the desires of my heart, but I didn't quite live this out. I thought IF God loved me, then why do I NOT have what I desire? He loves me, He sees me, so what's the deal? No matter how the circumstance turned out, if it wasn't the result that I was hoping for, I became frustrated. As a result, I lived with a false idea of God, his glory, love, holiness and grace and it played out in every area of my life. Why? Because it was in my heart and I believed it.

So what changed?

God's truth changed me. I began sensing the Lord changing my heart this past fall as I worked through my misconception of God. (Remember, I have always had a heart for the Lord, but I internally worshiped myself.) I came to a passage in Isaiah (40:10-15) that spoke about the power, gentleness, and glory of God as seen in his creation;

"The Sovereign Lord comes with power and he rules with a mighty arm...He tends his flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in his arms and carries them close to his heart; He gently leads those that have young...how he weighs the mountains on a scale and measures the waters in his hands."

Immediately after, are a few questions:

"Who can fathom the Spirit of the Lord, or instruct the Lord as his counselor? Whom did the Lord consult to enlighten him, and who taught him the right way? Who was it who taught him knowledge, or showed him the path of understanding?"

.....................

Isn't this an example of us? We act as if God needs our counsel. We end up exalting ourself to a place that is greater than God. Our actions are a direct reflection of our self-exaltation and our lack of trust in God. We do not trust in the Sovereignty of God.

.....................

Now, here is a piece of humble pie: verse 15 "Surely the nations are like a drop in a bucket; they are regarded as dust on the scales."

And as simple as turning on a light bulb, I got it. I made myself an idol and within worshiping my circumstances I asked the Lord to help me worship myself. And that, my friends, is sin. Life is about the revealing the glory of God, not ourselves. Any time that we worry or stress, or live in our anxiety, depression, or pride, we have lost our focus.

"[God] He has saved us and called us to a holy life. Not because of anything we have done, but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us through Christ Jesus from the beginning of time." 2 Timothy 1:9

How is it that we have joy and contentment in our circumstances?

God is sovereign over our lives. Which means I have nothing to worry about. All that is required of me is to keep my focus steady on the Lord and be a reflection of his glory. When I do this, my life, no matter the circumstance, will glorify the Lord.

Watching and Waiting: Our Journey to Pregnancy

2011-04-13T14:35:00.014-04:00

Things hoped for...beauty, truth, joy, love, LIFE

It's amazing how God can work in only three little months; how you can live the majority of your life knowing the word and knowing the Father, but not fully experience his love the way he intended.

I just looked at my last post from the beginning of January. I've opened up my blog countless times to write, but the time never seems right. That and I keep hearing the Lord say "Wait". As I re-read that post, I smiled because what I prayed for was a CHANGED HEART and a genuine TRANSFORMATION. And friends, I just want to tell you that God has done that very thing. He has changed my heart in so many ways I am bursting at the seems to share...and I will...in time.

For now, though, I am learning more and more about HIS GLORY, his HOLINESS and his LOVE in my life. And as strangely as this may seem to understand, I am finally GETTING HIM and SEEING him with the eyes of my heart (Eph.1) It's taken a long time to wrap my mind around the depth of his love for me, but now at 31, I am in fact "getting it."

The other night Jason had me listen to a sermon by a pastor in Austin, Tx

who used these words to describe his journey over the past several years..."I'm finally getting it." I looked at Jason several times during the message and threw my arms up and"Amen(ed)" his words because he, the pastor, though had already asked the Lord into his life, didn't understand what God's love was really about until adulthood. He went on to share how God revealed his glory to his heart so that he would not just KNOW the love of God, and not just WANT to BE THERE, but EMBRACED and BELIEVED the love of God showered upon his life and heart.

And...that is where I am today, three months later, EMBRACING and BELIEVING God's love for me and I am more free than I ever thought and like I said am itching to share the work of God and his transformation of my heart.

...now...on to my reason for writing...

It seems the most popular question people have been asking Jason and me lately is "When are you going to have more kids?" or an even better question, "Don't you WANT more kids?"

YES. We would LOVE to have more children...but it has been a difficult process for us. As with many couples, we have struggled with infertility for the past 6 years. Two years in, I conceived with Lillie. What seemed like a long journey back then had nothing on the past four years of our struggle with infertility. We did many tests our "first" go around, Clomid + FSH shots, metaformin, (5) IUI's, I've had my tubes injected with dye, etc. The first doctor we saw diagnosed me with PCOS and told me I was overweight. That's a hard one to swallow. So, I went on a "diet" that lasted all of 3 weeks. I was so discouraged. At the end of the 18 months, I told Jason I was done with all the testing. My emotions were shot and the little hope I had to get pregnant seemed to be fading. It was so hard to look at a pregnancy test each month only to see it come back negative. I would cry (in private) every time a friend announced her pregnancy and eventually I stopped attending anything that had to do with women in our church because it seemed that every conversation led back to motherhood. I couldn't help but wonder why I couldn't get pregnant but others could. It seemed that all some women had to do was say the word "baby" and they were magically preggos. It hurt....no, it killed.

Even worse has been the comments made by mothers who make statements out of ignorance such as "you're not a parent until you have 2 kids." Truthfully, if my flesh were writing this post, I'd probably tell you I wanted to throw a brick at them, but that wouldn't be nice. Instead I have sobbed uncontrollably in the privacy of my own home not just for myself but for all the women I know who desire to be a mother, but cannot. I only mention this because I think of how it has made me feel and I think about all the other women who struggle with Infertility (and Miscarriage) and I simply want to protect them. Those who struggle with infertility and miscarriage usually suffer in silence. Hearing statement like that causes more harm than good. As one of these women, I pray I can encourage you to come together as the body of Christ and lift your sisters up. Having others who have rallied around me and have prayed WITH me has been the greatest encouragement through these long years of Infertility.

...on with our story...

We switched doctors at 21 months and I fell in love with our new Dr. partly because he was an avid St. Louis Cardinals fan but mainly because he was pro-active in doing whatever we wanted to pursue. We conceived Lillie that March. Six weeks prior to conceiving I went forward to pray after a Wednesday night church service. My father-in-law had preached on claiming the land that God has given to us. I remember speaking to the Lord about fasting; something I had never done. With the Lords approval, I spent the next six weeks fasting in prayer and I found myself craving that time with him more than I craved anything else. This may sound strange, but my heart had become so hardened to the pain that I had forgotten how to cry...EXCEPT during this fast. I can't tell you how many times I would look down at my desk only to see it drenched with tears.

I had picked up my Clomid the first week of March. Around the same time, my mother-in-law and I went to hear Beth Moore speak to pastor's wives in Chattanooga, TN. I just love hearing Beth speak and that weekend was so refreshing as God used her to speak his words of truth over our lives. I remember going forward to pray at the end of the last session and I wept...again...and yet I couldn't shake this little feeling. I knew I was pregnant...I just didn't want to take a test.

Sure enough, I was...WITHOUT the clomid.

Fast forward-------->

Lillie is 4. We have been to the doctor and done every test as before so my most favorite Dr. in the world has now "passed me on" to the specialist. Grrrr. Did I mention I love him? But honestly, my new Dr. is absolutely wonderful. I don't know if she is a believer, but she sure seems interested in the things of the Lord. After sitting with her 2 weeks ago and discussing our history, her exact words were: "Given your history, I don't know how you even got pregnant with Lillie." To which I said, "I DO...GOD" and with a small nod, she smiled. We only have 2 more options left and if either do not work, "there is really no explanation" to why I cannot get pregnant. I just can't. Truthfully, if this is the road for us on our journey, I am at peace. We already have our "miracle" child and she is the most precious child with a heart for the Lord and for others...

So to answer the ever popular question, "Do you want more kids?" YES. A Big Emphatic YES. MORE THAN EVER.

Here is where you all come in. Knowing our history, Please pray for us! We have pursued everything from testing, medication and shots to filling out applications for adoption both stateside and internationally. As my husband said, "The womb of the woman is in the hand of the Lord" and just as he showed his glory and power in our lives through Lillie, I know he is faithful to do it again.

Faith Hoped For

2011-01-01T23:38:00.012-05:00

Welcoming 2011 in New Mexico...

It's been a while since I personally have been in Albuquerque for Christmas. This is without a doubt a very special Christmas/New Years for me because I have my daughter and my husband with me on this trip. We haven't taken this trip with Lillie, well, ever and it has been at least 3 years since Jason has been to NM. Also, I get to spend some extra special time with my youngest cousin, Keller and his friends. Keller, if you read this, I love you as if you are my brother and you mean so much to me. I miss you and the fam so so much!

Being in Albuquerque in the winter is absolutely gorgeous! The snow covered mountains take my breath away every time I look. I've forgotten just how beautiful the desert is especially in winter.

As soon as I woke up this past Thursday morning, I grabbed my camera to capture this God-painted canvas outside the kitchen window. This is what I found when I opened the front door...

A Tumbleweed! Welcome home...

The New Year inevitably brings resolutions. I choose NOT to make resolutions every year simply because I know I will never complete them. I'll give up, I'll lose out and become discouraged. So, this year I choose not to make resolutions as normal, however, I do choose to experience a change in the very depth of my being...my heart. A change in my heart that I might know the truth, know the hope and have a heart that truly enjoys the Lord! My resolution for 2011, is not to make goals and not to strive...BUT to LIVE, and true living comes from faith...faith for the change hoped for and the transformation that is unseen. Praise the Lord!

Now faith is the substance of things hoped for...

the evidence of things not seen...Hebrews 11:1

It's Heartbreaking. Absolutely Heartbreaking

2010-11-25T00:48:00.009-05:00

Life is heartbreaking...keep reading, you'll see.

Whoa! Black Friday has sucked me dry...and I'm not talking money. I'm tired and my husband has just asked me to rub his feet. Umm...let me think. Ahhh...Thanksgiving, a time to tell the world all that we are thankful for. I must admit, I sent my tweet out yesterday, and I meant every word. Can I tell you how much I love my family? From watching the Thanksgiving Day Parade with Lillie to talking to my mom and dad on the phone to seeing my mother-in-law minister to our guest, God blessed us with a wonderful Thanksgiving.

So what am I most thankful for? Water. Living water. The kind of water that gives life to my soul. Let me back up...

There was a time when I was a teenager that I use to sneak out of the house and climb up on our roof at night just to look at the stars. (sorry mom and dad...I'm just full of surprises aren't I?) Houses in New Mexico have flat roofs so sitting rooftop is not uncommon. I even took Jason up there one year to watch fireworks on the 4th...such an amazing view of the city from a roof! Anyway...I fell in love with the stars. I loved going to the planetarium for school and loved learning about our solar system. I know this is making me sound smart, but, ya, not so much. I just loved taking it all in, and still do. So, now as an adult, I stand in dead of night and stare up at the star-lit sky every chance I can. I get lost in it. It's one of my most favorite times to talk to God. I often think about all those who stand under the same sky, asking the same questions, carrying on a conversation with God at the very same time. And I often think about how God hears every spoken word. Oh! and the planes! I love spotting planes among the stars. It's obvious as they twinkle through a black ocean above. Those are the moments I pray for the passengers and wonder about their lives, who they are going to see, what they are running from, or what they are running to. Who is on business and who can't wait to be greeted by a loved one. And then I wonder what they pray about or if they even pray. Then I realize that once that plane is beyond my sight, I no longer pray for them. Lame, I know. I think I'll change this.

Life is heartbreaking...keep reading, you'll see.

But I do think about those the Lord has presently placed in my path whether asked for or simply purposed. I've been waiting to share with you about the women God has brought in my life over the past 5 months. I think now is the time. Truth be told, I didn't ask for them, nor this ministry. In fact, I fought it. Refused it silently, and gave a firm NO when my husband asked, for fear that I was not equipped to do a ministry such as this. But, within this ministry, I'm seeing MORE of CHRIST and finding LESS of ME. And, to my surprise, I'm actually finding who I really am. That in itself is a scary process...and a story for another time.

Life Ministry. Is there such a thing? Churches are made up of women's ministry, mens, children's, youth, etc. But can we name it Life? There is no name for this ministry. My husband and I started a ministry a year ago called City on a Hill where we (a lot of us from the church, Living Word) come along side of our downtown community. Currently, we are working in this Women's Shelter (Bible study/home renovations), the Salvation Army (feeding ministry every Wednesday night/Bible study this coming January), Boys and Girl's Club, an Elementary school (reading program) and connecting with local pastors to provide training as they continue to shepherd their flock.

As far as the Women's Shelter, we just simply go in once a week and share the Truth of God's word, sharing light in a world of darkness, Bible study. From this, relationships have formed and what once may have been an effort, now comes as natural as calling my friends. I have learned so much from these women. I will say, though, that of all the studies I have either attended or led, I've never sat in one like this. Sitting inside the walls of the church is certainly uplifting and encouraging, sometimes a challenge, and most definitely in His presence, but there is something different about sitting in this shelter. Darkness is seen more clearly and the enemy's presence so thick, at times I struggle to breathe. LIGHT, oh but light. Light disperses the darkness and when they get it, understand it, see it, it's as if the angels sing the Hallelujah chorus.

Life is heartbreaking...keep reading, you'll see.

These women are beautiful. When laughter fills the room, we are graced with heavenly warmth. They don't come from money, nor do they drive any type of car or eat with kings. No, their home is temporary, they take the bus, run on foot for miles to pick up their children before the day care closes, and weep as they carry their heavy burdens with them to their beds, BUT they are beautiful, searching, and receptive. These women lay in bed at night wondering if their life has any meaning. (don't we all at times?) Gun shots sing a lullaby outside their windows and chatter is the hum they hear as drug deals happen 20 feet from their front door. They didn't ask for this life, but they are living it. Some will succeed. Some will be drawn back to their old ways.

It's heartbreaking when one leaves the home longing for their old life, choosing the world over hope. It's heartbreaking knowing that just steps from this shelter one woman chose to step back into bondage prostituting herself to pay the bills. It's heartbreaking knowing that those chains are so tightly bound around her, and it's heartbreaking to know that when God's Truth was spoken, mocking came from her mouth...and then she was gone. I miss her smile and that awkward laugh.

It's heartbreaking to never know the real name of one of the women for fear that her husband will find her and kill her. It's heartbreaking to know that her daughter fears the same thing. It's heartbreaking when they go on the run and you never see them again.

It's heartbreaking walking into a hostile situation not knowing why I was called or what I can do when I don't feel equipped. It's heartbreaking to see a 7 mo old baby girl crying on the floor with her mother slumped over in and out of consciousness. It's heartbreaking to hear harsh words spoken to those who love them and it's heartbreaking to look in the eyes of an addict laying on the floor who desperately wants the truth of God's word but the enemy keeps snatching it away. It's heartbreaking walking into the treatment center only to hear the words, "we have no patient under that name." She's gone. The baby is safe, but she's gone.

It's heartbreaking to see a 3 year old boy wonder where his next meal will come from. It's heartbreaking to see his mother struggle through long nights, wishing life would end. It's heartbreaking watching her wrestle through self and miss the light.

It's heartbreaking.

But HE WHO PROMISED, IS FAITHFUL...

"Let us hold unswervingly to the hope we profess, for he who promised is faithful." Hebrews 10:23

Christ is our hope. His word does not return void. We plant the seeds. Others water. God makes it grow. (1 Corinthians 3:6)

The truth is, this last year has been my hardest yet, but it is one that I can genuinely say I have grown the most in. I wouldn't trade a minute of it. I went into this ministry downtown kicking and screaming, but I have found myself and I have received more grace than I ever have deserved.

I have so much to be thankful for: an unbelievable husband, the sweetest, most darling little girl, a wonderful family, dear friends, and the greatest of all, CHRIST, the LIVING WATER. I asked Christ to be my Savior when I was a child, but it hasn't been until recently that I've seen the depth of his love for me. His intercession in my life has caused me to see that he is willing to go above and beyond for me, simply because that's how much he loves me.

"Whoever drinks the water I give them will never thirst. Indeed, the water I give them will become in them a spring of water welling up to eternal life." (John 4:14)

It's Not a Tumor...no not me :) PTL ...my dog...except it is a tumor

2010-11-09T23:47:00.004-05:00

It is 10 minutes until midnight. By the time I finish this post it will be tomorrow. I want to sleep...but I can't. I'm still thinking about the past 2 days.

Today was, well, uneventful...until 6pm. Evidently the flu is going around in the 3 year old class at our church, so as I was there this morning cleaning I made sure to over-clean everything...and I mean EVERYTHING. And then, I went back at 4:30 and cleaned even more...(Lysol, you'd better work.)

and then there is my dog, Bailey, who had to have surgery today to remove the golf ball size tumor off her eye ..."It's NOT a TUUUMOR" Arnold Schwarzenegger...Kindergarten Cop...come on...you remember it. She looks so silly, too, as she has that cone around her head. Poor thing can't hardly walk without snow shoveling the ground with every step. It's quite the hoot to see her go up the steps. I tell her it isn't necessary, but she insists. Her head gets stuck on every step. haha.

AND THEN...the Flu bug graced our humble abode...actually, it was the car (so not fun!) I knew it! I knew she'd get it. So you can imaging how cuddly she is tonight and how little sleep I will get. I keep begging for my Melatonin but fear I won't hear her if I'm knocked out. But it's made me think...

So far, all of my best moments have been with my loves. And yesterday was the cherry on top. From the moment we woke up until the moment we went to sleep, I had a sidekick. You know that feeling you get with your child where you stop to check if you are wearing velcro because they won't leave your side? Well, that was Lillie. And then I realized...

She likes me. : )

So I ask..."Lillie, do you like being with me?"

She bashfully nods "Yes" and keeps on talking.

Priceless. No amount of money could ever compare to such love.

Though sleep doesn't seem to be in my near future, I'll close with this...I am the richest woman on this planet simply because of the love she showers me with every day!

Makaela

She Will Treasure Her Next Breath for Eternity

2010-11-02T17:10:00.006-04:00

November 2~ In 2 days, it will be almost a month since I last blogged. Why, you ask? So much has happened that to write it all would take forever. I have laughed with friends to the point of almost busting a gut, cried as other friends tore our family and church family apart with their tongue, watched my husband age 10 years in one night as a result, laughed at God's sense of humor as he has taken me on this winding journey, wept at the realization that what I felt called to in life seemed to be slipping through my hands, prayed for restoration in my heart and to be filled with his everlasting joy and peace, and I must say that He has gone above and beyond fulfillment in my life! In the midst of our journey this last month, God has been so good. From the ups and downs to celebrating life with friends and embracing new friends, God has blessed me tremendously. Of the many lessons that I have learned, forgiveness has been on the top and the most sweet.

I attended the Peacemakers conference in Washington D.C. back in October with a friend. Though I was there as a vendor for Living Bread Ministries, I had the opportunity to sit under some amazing men of God as they preached truth about forgiveness from the pulpit. Men like Joshua Harris, Ken Sande (Peacemaker President), Thabiti Anyabwile, and Bishop Efraim Tender (Bishop Ef) spoke directly into my life. I walked into that conference thinking that I had a pretty good understanding of forgiveness...boy was I wrong...I didn't have a clue. In fact, during Joshua Harris' sermon, I thought to myself "I get it; who doesn't" but then found myself crying at the end of every sermon thereafter.

Unfortunately, we live in a sin-infested world made up of dirty, rotten sinners...myself included. So it is to be expected that people will let us down, hurt us, say mean things about us behind our backs and to our face, dampen our spirits, suck the life out of us, destroy our confidence, crush our trust, test our friendship, rob us of joy, take advantage of us, and the list goes on. Pain caused by others is a terrible thing to carry...but we do, and we do it grudgingly.

At times, we force ourselves to act the "Christian" way, but because our hearts aren't rooted in the truth of God's word about WHO he is IN our lives, we sink in the ocean of bitterness, anger and resentment. Revenge becomes our game and we become the master at making revenge look good. We deceive all those watching as we play the role of the victim when behind the scenes we are the villain.

I realize there are areas in my life where forgiveness has lacked, and not because I have unknowingly overlooked my circumstances, but because I have chosen that the road to forgiveness was a heavier load than I desired to carry. However, little did I know, I have actually carried that burden for far too long. So long, in fact, that the burden of un-forgiveness has been disguised as self-pity and the only thing that un-forgiveness produced was torment of my own soul...in other words, I've deceived myself which is a prime example of this double role: victim/villain.

While our feelings may be justified, it is always important to remember that we ourselves, have just been forgiven. So by not extending forgiveness we become hypocrites. And by "we" I mean children of God; one who recognizes he/she is a no-good, dirty-rotten sinner, who never does anything right, is a constant screw-up, destined for hell and deserving the penalty of sin...death, YET understands the depth to which God went when he sent Jesus Christ, his ONLY son to pay the debt we owed by bearing all the weight of sin upon his shoulders and dying a gruesome death on the cross. But He didn't stop there! No, He ROSE. And today, he LIVES...and he guides, and he speaks to the hearts of all those who follow him. And that is why we can forgive. Because we realize that we should be on that cross taking our last breath. (see John 3:16)

So, here I was, this 30 year old woman who thought she had it all together...who thought she had forgiven...who then realize that forgiveness was more than just saying you are sorry. Yup, this 30 year old woman realized that true forgiveness meant that I had been forgiven as well.

I wanted to attend a certain workshop the 2nd morning at the conference and evidently so did everyone else because there were no seats or standing room available. So I did what everyone else did who couldn't get in...I found another room. Except I chose not to go to another workshop. Instead, I went back in the main auditorium where singer/songwriter, Christa Wells was rehearsing for the evening session. Her music was even more beautiful in that moment than when I heard before. What I loved the most was all her mistakes, because I knew in the end that God heard the heart of her melody. At the end of the first session, Christa played her song Weightless to the audience. I happened to look around and an elderly man caught my attention. As she sang the words, "Repentance is weightless...Forgiveness is weightless...so I'll leave my burden on the track" he began to weep and immediately my heart felt compassion for this man. It was evident that the Lord was speaking to him...Fast Fwd...the next morning I'm sitting in the auditorium as Christa is practicing and I begin to hear the Lord speak to my heart, showing and revealing...

That large room began to shrink in size as I sat in the same chair I sat in the night before...I began to pray, "Lord, I don't know why I am here." I pulled out a study and began looking intently at its content when the Lord begins to reveal my heart and then it hit me. All that I used to be and all that I am is displayed in a shameful cloak that I wear day in and day out. And in that moment, I became extremely anxious because I was feeling as if the enemy had me by the elbow and was parading me around for all to see. Every person I spoke to, Every eye that stared back at me...I had to look away because I was waiting for condemnation from every person I met. Here I was surrounded by hundreds of caring and wonderful people...and I just wanted to go home.

I listened to message after message that weekend on forgiveness. Joshua Harris..."We have just left the throne room" (Matthew 18), Ken Sande "In the midst of horrible suffering, God is always up to something good." (Genesis 37), Thabiti Anyabwile "Forgiveness is setting the prisoner free and realizing the prisoner is you." Bishop Ef, "Choosing to forgive brings a life of blessing."

What I learned came several days later as I sat on my patio reading from Completely Forgiven by Shannon Ethridge. As I opened my study I began to read of the adulterous woman in John 8:1-11. If you're not familiar, this woman was brought before Jesus by a group of men (religious men, not followers of Christ) who wanted nothing more than to make a spectacle out of Jesus...they wanted to "pin him" by asking him what to do with this woman because, by law, this woman was to be stoned for her adultery. Can you imagine being pelted by rocks until death? That was what this woman was waiting for. Jesus looked at those men, looked at her and knelt down. That morning, as I read, I identified with this woman, not as an adulterer, but as a woman covered in shame. Having no confidence to stand and speak, this woman was defeated, physically, mentally and emotionally.

Jesus begins writing in the sand and as Shannon Ethridge describes the scene, the men begin to wonder what he's writing. Is he writing the names of the men who slept with this woman or perhaps another prostitute? Is he calling them out for their own sin? Then Jesus tells the men to "Go ahead and stone her." I can picture the woman now taking her last breath. But then Jesus stops and says, "Let he who has no sin, cast the first stone" and immediately stones begin to plummet to the earth. One by one, they hit. With her eyes shut tightly and fists clenched, she hears Jesus whisper,"Woman, where are your accusers? Is there anyone left?" "No one" she replies...AND THEN the greatest moment of her life..."Neither do I condemn you" Christ proclaims.

She will treasure her next breath for eternity.

The more I though about this woman, the more I saw myself standing before my heavenly Father begging for him to see my point of view and all the wrongs done to me. When I read Christ's words to the Pharisees, "Go ahead, stone her" I thought to myself, "boy do I deserve it" but then Christ says "let he who has no sin cast the first stone"...WOW...in that moment when the stones are falling one by one, God shows me that the stone is actually in my own hand!

I am standing on both sides. I am the woman waiting to be stoned AND the accuser. But, I have had that stone so tight that I have forgotten that it was even in my hand. And I realize as the Lord shows me, that the burden of un-forgiveness is too heavy to carry and that I cannot bear that load on my own. Nor is it my place to stand as God passing judgement. Because as much as my flesh does not want to admit this, those I have either harbored bitterness or un-forgiveness towards also stand behind the same Christ I am hidden behind. And Christ stands not to condemn, but to forgive (see Romans 8:1), therefore we stand not condemned, but forgiven! The stone is not mine nor yours to throw, nor is it our burden to carry. And in that moment of understanding forgiveness...I heard my stone drop to the earth.

So the question some of you might have is "what if the person you are to forgive has never asked the Lord into to heart to be their King? What if they don't know the Lord? What if they don't even believe there is a God?"

I'll answer you with this. This adulterous woman was not a believer nor the pharisees and yet Christ stood with this woman and showed her the depth of his love for her by going before her. This is the man I crave to know more! This is the Christ I long to go deeper with.

A month ago, I would have closed my eyes and seen all that I wrestled with. Today, I close my eyes and I see Christ standing directly in front of me telling me that he goes before me. I no longer have to worry about the days of yesterday for they are covered in his blood. And because he stands on my behalf, I realize that he does that for everyone else as well. And that, my friends, is forgiveness.

Check out these other links as well:

Peacemakers Conference

Living Bread Ministries: Planting Churches Among the Desperately Poor

Christa Wells

They have all impacted my life in a tremendous way and I know that you will be blessed as well.

How Much Do We Really Care?

2010-10-04T23:18:00.014-04:00

How many people do you think are sleeping on the streets tonight in your city alone? How about the children? Do you even care?

I'm currently reading four books right now. I'll read a couple of chapters from each book every day. (If you're curious: The Bondage Breaker by Neil Anderson, The Naked Gospel by Andrew Farley, Crazy Love by Francis Chan, and Radical by David Platt)

I wrote a little from The Bondage Breaker in my last post on spiritual warfare and I plan on writing more as God keeps teaching me. So far, The Naked Gospel is explaining the Old law and the New law. I have to really think while reading this. In fact, I have to read it when my husband is home so he can walk me through it as I am really wanting to have a full understanding of not being under the Old law anymore but under the New...Christ came to fulfill the law. See? deep. While I'm enjoying all 4 books, Crazy Love and Radical are simply intriguing. Chan and Platt could have sat side by side writing these books. I cannot put them down. Jason and I had a great conversation about these both tonight on our way home from dinner. Here's how it went:

J: "Do you think it's actually tangible for people to live the way these books are describing?" (go and sell all you have....take care of the needy)

Me: "Yes." "No." "Maybe?"

And then we really dug deep in thought about this. For one, we (those who believe in Christ) are called to this, Luke 9 (English Standard Version) and two, at what point does giving all you have then make you "in need" yourself?

Don't you wish you were in this conversation with us? It really was interesting as we discussed what this looks like, and not so much the physical, see with your eye, material need, but looking intently at giving all you have from the heart to meet the need of the heart. (that was wordy...sorry)

Then, tonight, as I was winding down, I happened across a blog written by Heather Hendrick. The Hendricks felt the call to move to Haiti a year ago. Her blog today was a post about one of the orphanages. Please read her post. Follow her and keep informed...I am. You'll see a link on the side for her (Sit A Spell).

I can honestly say that I was broken as I read her words. I felt I was there. Looking at the images of those children was enough. I wanted to keep reading, but I wanted to close the page. Why? I'm not quite sure how we help? Especially when I picture my own 3 year old walking the streets just as these children do day in and day out fighting to survive.

Then I asked myself, "Could Lillie survive? Could she sleep on a cold floor? Could she search for food? Could she sleep through the dark, scary night when I know how she screams in her warm, cozy bedroom now?" I shudder at the thought!

As I scrolled down the blog, my heart cried as I came upon this picture...

"We found the baby girl on the floor in a room by herself. She was covered in spit up. Her diaper weighed about as much as she did. She had her fingers in her mouth, trying to soothe herself as tears ran from her little eyes down her cheeks." H.H.

Look at her face; her tiny body starving for affection, food, love. Stare at it. There are millions of children homeless, hurting, and fighting for their lives all over our globe. Even here. Even in Lynchburg. Maybe not millions, but certainly homeless, hurting and fighting. We just don't see them...or do we?...But we look away.

What do we do? What can we do? Our hearts hurt for them. There is alway a pull, a tug, we sympathize for them...BUT WE DON'T ACT. Instead, we turn our heads. And it's not just the children. It's the adults. We see them, we smile, but we walk on. Not so much because our noses are pushed too high, but because it's out of our comfort zone.

What if we did what we could? Just one thing at a time. Could we make a difference? Could I make a difference? What if, instead of going to a coffee shop for a little "me" time, we walked a different direction. What if we stopped? What if we talked. What if we showed interest? What if we showed compassion? What if we reached out? What if we listened? Would they listen? Would they talk? Would we learn? Would it break us? Would it break our prideful hearts? Would it pierce the very core of our soul?

You can. I can. We can.

Simple obedience.

I may get hammered by some of you and I know this goes much deeper than just having a caring heart. While I have not blogged about it, I am there, but I still don't do enough. Please hear me, doing is not out of obligation. It's simply right. Through it, God humbles me and shows me how much I need him; how much we all need him. We can act. We can make a difference. Not because of us, but because of the God IN us. All of life is to bring glory to him. All.

....If my daughter were on the streets, would you feed her? Talk to her? Or pull out your cell phone and look the other way? What if you were on the streets?

How much do we really care?

Lies, Lies and More Lies. Know Truth! Be Free

2010-09-08T15:42:00.014-04:00

I must confess that I am a little nervous to write this post. Truth is, I really just want to do justice to what the Lord has been showing me; explain his truth the best way possible...

Father, order my words. Speak clearly through this text, that I may share what You desire for all of your children to know and fully live out. I pray I will not come in the middle, but that you alone would be heard.

Two weeks ago, we started The Bondage Breaker by Neil Anderson at the women's shelter downtown. I'm not so sure just yet how the women are responding and taking in the depth of this study, but for me, I feel really alive in that God's word is finally taking root in the depths of my heart and mind. It's no longer head knowledge. It's his word in action...that is what I want to share.

And, please hear my heart before I begin. I am only in week 2 of this study. I haven't read ahead, I don't know what is coming, but this is what I have learned. God has a message for all of us. It became so evident to me this week that if my heart could seriously jump up and down, that is what I imagine it doing in me over this message though it really isn't anything new, just disguised and forgotten.

We all are in or have been in bondage in some way or another. Our bondage may be tied to sin, (sexual immorality, impurity, lust, evil desires, greed, idolatry, anger, rage, malice, slander, filthy language, Col. 3:5-8), addictions (drug addiction, alcohol addiction, sex addictions, food addiction, gambling addiction)...addictions happen when one cannot resist the urge or feel powerless to control behavior, OR bondage can be from a simple lie that at one time or another we believed which has spiraled the beliefs about ourselves out of control causing us to live our lives under false pretenses. Bondage leaves us feeling helpless, trapped, hurting, lonely, anxious, depressed, confused, etc...and at times, leaves us with an unstable mind. Ever feel this way?

You're not alone........

Before you read another word, I am in no way saying that I have the answer. I don't. I am simply telling you what God has been pointing out to me in my personal life over the past year, and especially over the past 3 weeks. In writing about bondage, I simply want to share what his word says about his power over our lives as a child of God.

So let's cut to the chase...I've talked this through with several people now, and the more I work through this, the more real and clear it is becoming. Fact: Our world has an enemy. His name is Satan, Lucifer. (Ezekiel 28:13-19) If Satan isn't enough to deal with, he has many followers which make up the spirit world...yes, I'm going there, so please, hold on tight because for whatever reason, we don't talk about the spirit world. Heaven and angels are spoken of regularly, but Western culture, according to Anderson, has allowed the enemy to deceive us into thinking he no longer attacks, or that he attacks, but only in the most insane ways. So the question he raises at the beginning of his book is this: Do the demons of Paul's day still exist in our world today? (my paraphrase)

What do you think?

The answer?

Absolutely. Hands down. But here is where we wrestle with this answer. The devil is not as easily seen as he was in Paul's day, well, actually he really is, but we tend to overlook him. Take Brazil for example (and I use Brazil simply because I have seen this first hand), Macumba, black magic, is practiced regularly and is seen on street corners, in homes and at times right outside the church. I remember Jason preaching one night while a woman was casting a spell on him. My friend Barbara was interpreting so her husband, Patrick, myself, the Pastor of the church and several other team members were outside praying over him throughout the whole service. It wasn't an odd thing to witness because witchcraft is so prevalent down there, but it is in the states. It's disguised, named a little different and made to be accepted. So we accept the work of the enemy without even knowing who we are really dealing with.

Okay, so I'm really not wanting to go too deep with this because we really could, but all that to say...if the enemy can get us to believe just one lie, he's got us. Anderson made the point that if we were to hear a lie from the enemy and knew that it came from him, we would disregard it right away. But that's not the way he works. Instead, his craftiness is this: if he can get us to believe that the lie came from our own self, he knows we will be deceived. So we end up deceiving our own hearts.

Paul says in Ephesians 6:10-13 to "be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devils schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of the evil in the heavenly realms." Never does he say to take the armor off. (Anderson)

1 John 5:19 confirms Pauls statement, "We know that we are children of God, and that the whole world is under the control of the evil one."

All throughout Paul's epistles he speaks of the presence of this dark world and our freedom through Christ. He begs and pleads with us to protect our hearts and minds. Galatians 5:1 says, "It is for freedom that Christ has set us free. Stand firm, then, and do not let yourselves be burdened again by a yoke of slavery."

I read that verse a few nights ago and realized that at some point in my life, I believed a lie. I see it also in my daily life. Most days are great, others tough. One thought can make a tough day. Why? I get trapped in the lie and it grows. Another lie will pop up...and another...and another. I'm deceived. My heart and mind become deceived.

"Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life." (Proverbs 4:23)

If we fall prey to the deceiver who has NO control over us except what we give to him, we risk the wellspring of our lives.

Here is the good news and WHAT WE SHOULD ALWAYS REMEMBER...CLAIM...

John 1:1 "In the beginning was the Word and the Word was with God and the Word was God."

Your Bible, THE WORD OF GOD, was in the beginning with God. Not only that, but the WORD IS GOD. Hallelujah!

So here is where my heart jumps. Since we know that the Word of God is God (2 Timothy 3:16, "All scripture is God-breathed and is useful for teaching rebuking, correcting and training in righteousness.") we are given the promise that no matter the circumstance, the trial, the sin, the addiction or the lie, God has already gone before us. The TRUTH that is ours to claim as his children, is this: Christ, seated at the right hand of God, is "far above" our enemy. The enemy has no power, no control and certainly no rule over our minds except what we give to him. God, knowing the enemy's desire to destroy (John 10:10) sent Christ to conquer the enemy and now has all authority over him.

The words of Paul in Ephesians 1:15-23, "For this reason, ever since I heard about your faith in the Lord Jesus and about your love for all the saints, I have not stopped giving thanks for you, remembering you in my prayers. I keep asking that the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, the glorious Father, may give you the Spirit of wisdom and revelation, so that you may know him better. I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints [freedom: one of the many riches we receive (my words here)], and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come. And God placed all things under his feet and appointed him to be head over everything for the church, which is his body, the fullness of him who fills everything in every way."

So, what have I taken from all of this?

The enemy is very real and he has no desire to see me grow or to be free. I have believed countless lies. Lies about myself, lies about this world, and lies about God. What I have failed to do is claim the truth. The truth that is so readily available. Christ has already conquered the enemy. I do not belong to the enemy. My mind is not his. My future is not his. He has no control. Why? Because Christ has defeated him "having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them triumphing over them by the cross."

To sum this up, Christ is above all authority and all powers. When I get out of whack and start believing the father of lies (John 8:44), I give the enemy power over my mind that he does not have. It is then that I must cry out for truth, claiming the truth, and believe that God is before me and has already conquered the enemy (1 Peter 3:22)

Such a great promise. "For though we live in the world, we do not wage war as the world does. The weapons we fight with are not the weapons of the world. On the contrary, they [the weapons we fight with] have divine power to demolish strongholds. (Eph. 1:19) We demolish arguments and every pretension that sets itself up against the knowledge of God, and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ." 2 Corinthians 10:3-5

Agree?..............CLAIM HIS TRUTH and STAND IN HIS POWER

Hard at Work...All For His Love

2010-08-21T15:01:00.006-04:00

My heart was truly blessed today seeing the body of Christ at work. Several people came out today to clean-out a basement of a shelter that God has allowed our church to play a part in by ministering and sharing His word. Even more, was the blessing to know that what was done was not out of selfish ambition or self-glorification. No, it was simple. Today's act of kindness, love and grace, was done with one motivation: the love of Christ.

God is doing an amazing work in my life. Seven weeks ago, my husband came to me asking if I would lead a Bible study at a women's shelter downtown. Normally, I would have jumped on the opportunity. Instead, I told him no. Because of the journey I had been on recently, I felt like it was time for my heart to be ministered to. I spent several weeks in prayer over my decision and with Jason, said yes to the study. This has been one of the greatest decisions I have made in a while because while God is working in the lives of these women, He is most certainly working in mine.

Today, the body of Christ came together to help this home meeting needs both physically and spiritually. I was so bless by those who came today. Blessed to see the work done. Blessed by the contagious smiles, and blessed to see the leader of this home as well as the women ministered to in such loving ways. Thank you to all who came out. Through God, you met a need. Not just for a day, but for a lifetime.

Love and Approval Cannot Be Bought

2010-08-10T00:02:00.005-04:00

I have been wanting to write a new blog for some time, but haven't found the right words to put down. The last time I blogged was to my husband while he was in Brazil. As I read over my previous blogs, I realized that it has been quite some time since I've written anything spiritual. Reason? My heart is so full of lessons God is teaching me that to throw it all out there like a buffet line would leave me feeling exposed.

So...just as I said back in January of this year, I will write one nugget of truth at a time and as I feel led. I AM on a Journey, and this journey for me is freedom...freedom from the misconceptions of who I have always thought I was, who God is in my life, and who I am in my God. The last post that I wrote that had any spiritual reference was over two months ago. I haven't wavered, nor have I wandered in my trust in him, but, truth is, I am in a season of listening, learning and being ministered to. This season is not one I have been in before. In fact, it's foreign to me. There are many days that I sit back watching and waiting on the Lord, curious as to the next step in my life. My peace within is knowing that He alone is ordering my steps.

As a Minister's wife, I serve. Well, even long before I ever met my husband, serving was normal. I remember being saved as a child and hearing the Lord as I walked through life. When I strayed, I heard him beckoning me back. There were times I came running to him and others in which my running was in the opposite direction from where I knew I needed to be...at his feet.

In this unfamiliar season, I have learned that I have spent my entire life striving to please man as well as God. Remember, I'm a thinker; an analyzer. So in my thinking, I began to wonder why I do this and how it has looked with God. We don't earn grace, this one I know. (Eph. 2:8) So how did I deceive my own heart into believing that by serving I was gaining "points" with God? I see it though. I see myself striving to be a godly woman. Write another Bible study, lead another group, speak at another conference, take another meal, go on another visit, call the wife of a new couple in the church, attend every service because this is what the pastor's wife should do even if I'm not feeling it that day...whatever it was, I was constantly striving for God's approval of my heart.

"Stop striving," he spoke to me in preparation for our spring women's conference. I didn't get it. My heart was begging for him to intercede on my behalf, but my mind had disguised his truth.

So, here is my most recent lesson... A godly woman doesn't have to strive to become godly. A godly woman becomes godly simply out of obedience.

The motive of my heart was wrong. I was not seeking the approval of man, but the approval of God, making sure he knew I was "doing" or "earning" his love and acceptance. But, I don't have to do this with God. Ever. I simply need to walk in obedience to his guidance and leading.

Amongst many other lessons along this journey, I'm learning that my life is about me and Him. All the other areas will reap the fruit.

Waiting With Anticipation

2010-07-14T22:45:00.008-04:00

Oh my love,

At this very moment, I am awaiting your call; anticipating your voice and debating whether I will wake our little munchkin. Boy has she been in rare form! A very funny rare form, in fact. Her crazy antics have stopped and her obedience is actually starting to become regular. We've had our moments, but altogether we're having fun.

Only 6 more days until you COME HOME! We cannot wait. When I picked Lillie up from her class at church tonight, her first words were "Mommy, I wanna see my daddy!" awe...I'll wait while you wipe your tears...

She misses you. I miss you.

Friday is the big day for Lillie and she is soooooo excited. Ok, me too! *wink, wink* We're off to the Richmond Zoo then Short Pump. We're looking forward to a day full of lions, tigers and bears OH MY...clothes, shoes, purses, jewelry OH MY...haha...and to end this fun filled day, we're having dinner with very special friends, the Crites. Yup, Greg has insisted on making his famous chicken and I cannot wait. You know how Lillie loves to spend time with them.

ya know, I don't think I've sat by a phone with such anticipation since we first started dating. It's kinda fun...NOW CALL!!! I really miss your voice : )

WE LOVE YOU!!!!!!

Written with Love...11 days without you seems like years

2010-07-10T16:20:00.007-04:00

To my dearest love,

Oh how the days go by so slow when you are not here with me. Life is not quite the same when you are away. For one, there are some random geese in our back yard. I hear them quacking as I write. Though I'm not quite sure why they are here, I'm not surprised in the least. Remember the time we had a cow outside our living room window...in our FRONT yard? Now that was strange because, well, we don't live on a farm. So, instead of hearing your voice when you are away, I am graced by quacks and moo's. (apostrophe on moo? hmm)

After getting your call today saying you had in fact made it to Brazil and weren't stuck in NYC as in years past...WITH suitcases in hand, I felt relieved. But I must admit, waking up to our munchkin without you on the other side was sad. It really isn't the same. On top of wanting you in my life, I pray you know my heart and that I need you in my life. The way you loved me this past week was the greatest example of what it truly means to love your wife. Thank you. Whether times are sweet and covered in goodness or simply down in the pits, pure love reaches my soul. YOU gave that to me. I have 6 words for you. FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE; The greatest 6 words in the human language. Always remember these six tiny words as they resonate in my mind and carry so much meaning.

I love you and I am praying for you, the team, the churches and the people. I really want to write more, but Lillie is up and I can no longer concentrate...haha...we miss you and can't wait to see your face, as grainy as it might be through the comupter.

"Let it be me" luv u