One God-Damn Hit?

NFL Picks O' The Week: Jets-Pats Week

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Sat, 18 Sep 2010 13:02:00 +0000

Alright, before we even get started I need to address Tom Brady's comments from earlier in the week. Brady said that the Jets crowd was more hostile and then said that he saw people leaving on Sunday when the Pats were up by 21 in the middle of the 4th quarter. He also said that he didn't think Jets fans would be leaving early.

This ignited a fucking firestorm on the sports talk radio scene around here about Gillette being one of the quietest, if not the quietest, stadiums in the NFL. And that's true. There's no getting around it. The Pats have jack shit for home field advantage as far as crowd noise goes. Now, a part of me says "so what?" because their record home is awesome so are really blaming those few losses at home on the crowd? But the majority of me knows that it sucks that the crowd at Pats games really isn't up to creating a real advantage with a noise level that will distract the other team.

But the real question is, should Brady really be upset that fans were leaving once the team went up by THREE FUCKING TOUCHDOWNS halfway through the 4th quarter. And to that, I say shut your fucking mouth, Tom, and cut your fucking hair. Who is he to say when people who spent their hard-earned money on tickets should leave the game? It's not like people were trying to beat traffic during a close game, like, um, the fucking JETS FANS who were leaving early even though it was a 10-9 game? Does Brady really need his ego stroked so much that he needs everyone to stay until the final whistle? What about the Tennessee game last year when Brian Hoyer came in because the Pats were up 50,000-0? Do the fans have to stay then? If Brady can leave early, why can't the fans who pay Brady's salary?

For the record, I was there on Sunday and my group didn't leave until about 3 minutes left in the game, after the Bengals had "cut it" it to 38-24.

Also for the record, I love Tom Brady and would have his babies, but if he wants to call out the crowd for not making enough noise, just say so. Don't beat around the bush.

And finally, a friend of mine who is a Bills fan (poor guy) had this theory last night while we were waiting for The Town (it was awesome) to start: Belichick and Brady are so smart that they decided that Brady would make these comments to take the media fire away from the Randy Moss press conference following Sunday's win.

Brilliant. I have no idea if that's the case, but the fact is that Brady's comments did knock Moss out of the media spotlight. And that's fantastic. I'm not worried about Moss AT ALL, but having to listen to a jackass like Felger spout his bullshit about how Moss is a cancer all week would have been fucking awful.

Ok, let's get to some fucking picks!

Home team in CAPS using ESPN lines...

ATLANTA (-6.5) over Arizona

I'm not really confident in Atlanta in general but at home, against fucking Derek Anderson, they should get a pretty solid win. After all, they actually do have a home field advantage.

CINCINNATI (+1.5) over Baltimore

Coming off a short week, the Ravens actually face a passing game that can expose their shitty secondary. Playing a Monday night road game followed by a division road game is never easy. I think the Ravens are solid but I also think Cincy is going to rebound from that pathetic display they put on at The Razor last Sunday.

Kansas City (+1.5) over CLEVELAND

how the fuck are the Browns favored in this game? I mean, yeah the win on Monday night was kinda fluky for the Chiefs but still, jesus.

Chicago (+8.5) over DALLAS

Anything less than 7 points and I would've taken Dallas here but jesus did you see that pathetic performance against Washington? Wow. Meanwhile, Chicago would have lost to Detroit if it weren't for Calvin Johnson being a dipshit. Yes, I think it was a catch. Yes, I think the rule is jacked up. But HE knows the rule, and it wouldn't have been very hard for him to just tuck the ball into his chest and leave absolutely no doubt. So it's Megatron's fault, and that's that.

Philadelphia (-3.5) over DETROIT

Mike Vick!! I actually don't care who is QB for the Eagles, they should stomp Detroit. Especially with Stafford out. Shaun Hill? Meh. I'm actually hoping Vick kicks ass so that we have a nice QB controversy once Kolb is un-concussed. That shit's always fun.

GREEN BAY (-13.5) over Buffalo

The Bills fan I mentioned earlier took the Bills for 16 confidence points in our picks league last week. "Yeah, it was a shot in the dark. Week 1 at home. Fuck. I won't be doing that again." Also, suicide alert!

Pittsburgh (+5.5) at TENNESSEE

I like the Titans to win this game but that line seems kinda high.

Miami (+5.5) over MINNESOTA

Again, I like Minnesota to win this game at home but jesus did you see Brett Favre on Thursday? That did not look like a guy who really wants to play this year. How funny would it be if he quit after a few games and then watched Tarvaris Jackson lead the Vikes to the playoffs?

CAROLINA (-2.5) over Tampa Bay

God what an awful game.

DENVER (-3.5) over Seattle

Typical Pete Carroll. Gets the first win and gets everyone's hopes up and then boom, everything comes crashing down. I bet Tebow gets into the endzone in this one.

St. Louis (+4.5) over OAKLAND

I'm picking St. Louis until they win. Seriously. Well, at least this week anyway.

New England (-1.5) over NEW YORK JETS

Fuck the Jets. I'm nervous as shit about this game. The Jets are as desperate a team as you'll ever find in week 2 of the season and that's not a good thing for the Pats. What is a good thing, though, is that Mark Sanchez sucks fucking donkey balls. And besides Revis, so does the Jets secondary. Now, this was a problem last year when Welker was hurt for one game and the Pats had no other receiving threats. It's a different story this year, though, and with Welker, Tate, Hernandez, GRONK, and Edelman, Brady has enough targets to carve up the Jets defense. Also, New York's strength on offense last year, the running game, is weaker, thanks to letting Thomas Jones go and bringing in that whiny douchebag pussy LDT. Yeah, he looked decent in week 1 but that's typical of a veteran going to a new team looking to show some burst. He'll fade this week and even more as the season goes on. Fuck the Jets.

Jacksonville (+7.5) over SAN DIEGO

This is a stupid pick. I fully expect it to lose.

Houston (-2.5) over WASHINGTON

Tough one here. Texans probably overachieved against the Colts, meanwhile the Redskins stumbled their way assbackwards into a win thanks to some really dipshit moves by the Cowboys.

INDIANAPOLIS (-5.5) over New York Giants

I don't believe it will happen but....can Indy please go 0-2? PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2! PLEASE GO 0-2!

New Orleans (-4.5) over SAN FRANCISCO

1. I can't believe this line isn't higher.
2. Didn't take long for Simmons to abandon his 13-3 prediction for San Fran, huh? Simbiotics my fucking ass.

By the way, I wrote this entire thing while playing with Baby Mark Show so if there are spelling/grammar/whatever errors, deal with it. And let me know and I'll fix them. And as I was typing I'm pretty sure he just unleashed a shit bomb into his diaper. Great.

LET'S GO PATS! FUCK THE JETS!

NFL Picks O' The Week: Week 1!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Fri, 10 Sep 2010 14:19:00 +0000

Well that was a fun little game last night, huh? Well, ok, it was sloppy as shit but who fucking cares. Football is back!

Home team in caps, using lines from ESPN

Miami (-3.5) over BUFFALO

I'd like this one better if I weren't giving up that half point but fuck it, Buffalo sucks. I'm actually surprised Miami isn't favored by more in this game. It's not like Buffalo has much of a homefield advantage anyway, but this early in the year when the weather is still warm, they don't have shit.

CHICAGO (-6.5) over Detroit

I would love to take Detroit in this game. They're going to be tougher this year than they have in years past. However, as much as I think the Cutler-Martz combo is going to crash and burn over the course of the year, I also think they're going to get off to a hot start, if only to tease Bears fans. Also, it's early in the season so Julius Peppers is probably going to be playing hard and will harass Stafford all day.

Oakland (+6.5) over TENNESSEE

Tennessee wins the game but Oakland keeps it pretty close. Vince Young can't throw the ball for shit anyway and Nnamdi is only going to make things more difficult for him. I just hope Chris Johnson doesn't go completely insane in this one. He's terrifying to face in fantasy, and you can guess who I'm going against this week. Also, I guess the fact that they're playing this game means they dried out the Titans' field after that ridiculous flooding. That was nuts.

NEW ENGLAND (-5.5) over Cincinnati

Tom Brady is happy with his new contract and a happy Tom Brady makes me happy. In the pants. Also, Randy Moss is pissed off and ready to prove to everyone that he's still capable of earning one more big contract. He's going to have a monster year. And guess who's going to be in attendance at Gillette on Sunday? The Mark Show! Fuck yeah! Bottom line here is that the Pats aren't going to lose a home opener AND they've never lost a game when I've been there. How's THAT for a jinx? Fuck.

NEW YORK GIANTS (-7.5) over Carolina

That line seems awfully high for a Giants team that got blown out 400 to nothing in their final game last year. So of course I'm taking them. I'm a fucking idiot.

PITTSBURGH (+2.5) over Atlanta

Is Dennis Dixon really that awful that the Steelers are getting points at home? I say no. They'll pick up the win here on their way to 2-2 before The Rapist returns.

Cleveland (+2.5) at TAMPA BAY

Other than quarterback Josh Freeman I can't name one player on the Bucs off the top of my head. That's not a good sign. Actually, other than Delhomme I don't think I can name anyone on the Browns either. Jesus. Either I'm slipping in my old age (30!) or these teams really really blow. Maybe it's both. Getting old sucks. Also, I got kicked out of the bed last night because I rolled over on to Baby Mark Show. Oops.

Denver (+2.5) over JACKSONVILLE

I swear to god I heard on talk radio the other day that Maurice Jones-Drew is hurt. Is that true? I'm far too lazy to look it up. Well, if it is true, the Jags are truly fucked. Even against the Broncos. This game is annoying because no matter what happens, Peter King is going blather on and on about what Tim Tebow did or didn't do in MMQB.

Indianapolis (-3.5) at HOUSTON

No god damn way I'm taking the Texans over the Colts until they actually beat them once. Until then I'm taking the Colts and not thinking twice about it. Although if the Colts lose right away it would spare us from having to listen to debates about whether or not they should try for an undefeated season when they're 14-0. Fucking pussies.

San Francisco (-2.5) at SEATTLE

Bill Simmons picked the Niners to go 13-3. He's batshit crazy. And fucking annoying. Did you read that piece of shit Simbotics column yesterday? "Here's my system. It's foolproof and works every time. Unless it doesn't. Then you fucked up somehow. But it wasn't the system!" Jackass.

Green Bay (-1.5) over PHILADELPHIA

The Kevin Kolb Era begins. My guess is we get halfway through the 2nd quarter before the boos fill the stadium. The Packers are going to jump all over them. I'm picking too many road teams, though.

ST. LOUIS (+3.5) over Arizona

There, that's better. Wait, no it's not. I just picked the fucking Rams! I don't care, though. For whatever reason, I like rookie quarterbacks in the first game of the season. Just seems like they always come out hot and get everyone excited before the season wears on and teams actually have game film to scout. I have no statistical evidence to back this up. I just know I picked Sanchez and the Jets in their first game last year (on the road!) and they came through, so it has to be true! Unless it isn't.

Dallas (-3.5) at WASHINGTON

Donovan McNabb plays poorly and Redskins fans freak the fuck out. You gotta love Skins fans. They seriously think their team is one of the elite franchises in the NFL, even though that hasn't been true since 1991.

Baltimore (+3.5) over NEW YORK JETS

Another fan base that is going to be freaking the fuck out all week. That's gonna be fun. And look, I loved Hard Knocks just as much as anyone else, but the end, with Revis coming back? Made me want to fucking puke. This asshole, with three years left on his contract, held out for the entire preseason before finally getting his deal done. Hey, fine, he was underpaid. But the Jets, and Hard Knocks, welcomed him back like he was a fucking war hero, or someone coming back from a devastating injury. It was pretty pathetic. You can keep your goose bump music and slow clap, thank you very much.

San Diego (-5.5) over KANSAS CITY

The stupid 2nd Monday Night Football game to open the year. I really don't get why they do this. The ratings are always fucking terrible, they throw a shitty announcing squad at the game, and the teams generally blow. I guess it's a little better this year, but still. Fucking stupid.

Have an awesome Sunday, everyone.

OGDH NFL Preview: The AFC

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 15:43:00 +0000

Oh praise motherfucking Jebus the season is here! Let's jump right in to the AFC preview.

AFC West

God, why do the West divisions in both conferences suck so much? San Diego should win this division but it's not going to be the runaway it was last year. They're missing a few key players due to holdouts and injuries, especially Vincent Jackson, who is Philip Rivers' best receiver by far. First he's sitting out a nice little 3-game suspension for something that I don't feel like looking up, and after that he's planning on holding out over a contract dispute. He's also on my fantasy roster so I'm a little torn on this one. One one hand, quit being a jackass and catch some touchdowns for my fantasy team, jerk! On the other hand, anything that hurts one of the conference's better teams is fucking fine by me. Although my hate for the Chargers has dropped immensely since they cut that piece of shit whiny douchebag pussy Ladanian Tomlinson. Fuck him.

The Broncos are interesting because Josh McDaniels is all over the place with his personnel moves, trading Cutler and Marshall, drafting Tebow, signing Brady freaking Quinn. While I don't think Tebow will see much time at quarterback this year other than goal line situations, I do think he's going to be a solid NFL player. Booze disagrees. We have a bottle of scotch riding on it. I just can't remember what the timeline for the bet is. Help me out, Booze.

Oakland and Kansas City should both be better than they have in previous years but I still don't think they're going to do anything significant. I mean, it's the Raiders and Chiefs for god's sake. And don't let Bill Simmons tell you any different when he picks his sleeper team for this season. He's full of shit.

The Mark Show's picks: San Diego, Denver, KC, Oakland

Bamadawg's picks: San Diego, Denver, Oakland, KC

BoozeRob's picks: San Diego, Oakland, Denver, KC

AFC North

Alright, we've got the rapists, the (alleged) murderers, a whole slew of criminals.....and the Browns. 3 out of 4 ain't bad, I guess.

The Ravens are this year's popular pick to go to the Super Bowl from the AFC. I'm not so sure. I'd like to see Joe Flacco perform in a big game before I pencil them in as AFC champs. And let's not forget that their secondary might be the worst of any contender besides the Pats, and even that's assuming that Ed Reed comes back in week 7 after sitting out on the PUP list for the first 6 games. Still, I think they win the division, especially with the huge upgrade at receiver with Boldin and Housh.

I think the Steelers will be fine. They're gonna go 2-2 while Rapelisberger sits out his suspension and then get things working once he returns. They're annoying like that. They are going to miss Santonio Holmes, though.

Cincinnati is going to fall back to the pack after that random division title last year. I still can't believe they swept both the Steelers and the Ravens. No fucking way that happens again.

The Mark Show's picks: Baltimore, *Steelers*, Cincinnati, Cleveland

Bamadawg's picks: Baltimore, *Steelers*, Cincy, Mark's team he abandoned for the Pats

BoozeRob's picks: Baltimore, *Cincy*, The Fightin' Dennis Dixons, Holmgren's Homos

AFC South

Oh did I post that yesterday? My bad. I must have forgotten.

Anyway, as much as I'd love for Indy to suffer from the Super Bowl loser curse thing and miss the playoffs, there's just no way it's happening. While Manning may choke his fat face off in the playoffs, he's still going to lead the Colts to like 12 wins and another division title. Whoopie.

Tennessee MIGHT be able to give the Colts a little pressure this year. Remember they went 8-2 once they finally benched Kerry Collins' drunk ass. I don't think Chris Johnson will have the insane season he did last year but that guy is still an animal and Jeff Fisher is one of the best coaches in the league so I expect Tennessee to at least make this division sort of interesting.

Houston will finish 8-8 again, miss the playoffs again, and at this time next year everyone will be talking about how this is the year the Texans finally get over the hump, again. Lather, rinse, repeat, everybody.

Who is the other team in this division?........................Oh, Jacksonville! (Seriously that took me 5 minutes to think of because I didn't want to cave and look it up) Anyway, let's just say that when people are talking about drafting Tim Tebow so that your team can sell tickets....it's probably not a good sign for your upcoming season. Or your franchise in general.

The Mark Show's picks: Indy, Tennessee, Houston, Jacksonville

Bamadawg's picks: Indy, Tennessee, Houston, Jacksonville

BoozeRob's picks: Indy, Tennessee, Houston, Jacksonville

AFC East

Ok so Buffalo sucks. They might win 2 games. Might. Let's just move on to the 3-horse race in this division.

Miami, the bane of my weekly picks existence, made a significant offseason acquisition in getting Brandon Marshall. I'm still not sure what made him lose his mind during training camp last year but once the season started he still put up big numbers, just like he has every year of his career. And now, playing for a new team, looking to make a good impression, look out. Except that he has Chad Henne throwing him the ball for a team that is still its best when the ball is Ronnie Brown's hands. Brown and Ricky Williams should again lead a solid rushing attack, and wildcat, that, combined with a solid defense, will make the Dolphins a tough team to beat.

Once the Jets get Santonio Holmes back from his suspension they'll finally have someone who actually catches the ball lined up opposite of Braylon "Hands" Edwards. Well, he'll catch the ball if Sanchez can put it in his general vicinity anyway. Sanchez has looked like absolute DOGSHIT in preseason and all throughout Hard Knocks, which was a fucking outstanding show this year. It would make things a lot easier if Rex Ryan weren't so likable. Fucking fatass blowhard. Luckily, they're still the Jets, so they're easily hateable, AND they brought in piece of shit whiny douchebag pussy Ladanian Tomlinson. Fucking guy. I still can't believe the first thing he did when he signed with the Jets was to get a tattoo of the Jets logo on his calf. Tell me that's not a douchebag thing to do? Seriously, try to come up with any explanation for that without calling Tomlinson a douchebag. It's fucking unpossible. Fucking Ladanian Tomlinson. And fuck Revis for caving. YOU COULD HAVE GOTTEN MORE MONEY!

And now, the Patriots.

The Good: Brady's knee is finally fully healthy, as are his ribs and finger that was bothering him at the end of the season last year. Wes Welker is somehow ready for opening day, indicating that he's some sort of bionic freak. Rob Gronkowski (GRONK), Aaron Hernandez and Brandon Tate provide three new weapons for Brady to throw to. It looks like Belichick has finally had enough of Maroney tap-dancing into the line of scrimmage. They still have Brady and Belichick. Brady is so fired up for the season that he's fucking ramming vans with his Audi at 6:30 in the morning before practice.

The Bad: They lost Ty Warren for the season (Fuck!), the secondary, the defense in general.

This team is going to have to score a fuckload of points, especially early in the season, to win games. The young defense should get better as the year goes along and hopefully hit its stride going into the playoffs.

Basically this division comes down to whether or not you buy the hype on the Jets. I don't. They're 8-8 waiting to happen, even with Revis, who had the best season possibly ever for a CB. He'll still be very good, obviously, but he won't be AS good. And that makes a difference. Until someone besides the Pats wins the division while Brady is the QB, I'm taking the Pats.

The Mark Show's picks: Pats, *Dolphins*, Jets, Bills

Bamadawg's picks: Jets, *Pats*, Dolphins, Bills

BoozeRob's picks: Jets, *Fuck off, Mark!*, Dolphins, Bills

And now for tonight's quick pick!

(Using the line from ESPN's pigskin pick 'em)

NEW ORLEANS (-6.5) over Minnesota

The Super Bowl champ has won the last 10 opening night games. I'm excited to see if the Saints go after Favre as viciously as they did in the NFC championship game and if the Vikings retaliate at all. It's gonna be fun as shit to watch. Also, this is my suicide pick for the week. I'm not sure I've ever seen an opening slate of games with no clear suicide pick. Fucking brutal. Last year I lasted all 17 weeks. Let's hope I make it past week 1 this year.

FOOTBALL, BABY!

OGDH NFL Preview: The NFC

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Wed, 08 Sep 2010 17:03:00 +0000

Heeeeeeyoooooooo! We're one god damn day away from the start of the NFL season and you know what that means? It's time to fire up this fucking blog again! Jesus it's been a long, soul-sucking summer in the sports world. I completely checked out of this baseball season, even becoming an awful dead owner in my final fantasy baseball season ever. Some asshole named Carlos Gonzalez is making a serious run at the Triple Crown in the NL and I seriously had never even heard his name until this morning when someone tweeted about. Pretty pathetic on my part but whatever, I don't give a shit, it's football season! Maybe Booze will even get off his ass and write about college football again.

But until then, let's take a quick look at the upcoming NFL season, starting with the NFC today, AFC tomorrow, and a full slate of picks on Friday. Fuck yeah!

Disclaimer: This will probably be the worst, least in-depth preview you'll ever read.

NFC West

Woof, let's just get this suckfest out the way, shall we? Let's see here, Kurt Warner retired and Matt Leinart was so freaking horrible in training camp and the preseason that he got freaking CUT in favor of Derek Andersen. Derek Andersen, who couldn't keep the starting job in CLEVELAND. Ouch. This is a team that, according to Peter King, is excited about having QB Max Hall as their backup. Max Hall? Yeah he didn't even get drafted. Jesus that's a rough quarterback situation for a team to be in.

Meanwhile, in Seattle, the team is so worried about Matt Hasselbeck's back that they went out and traded a 2nd-round pick to San Diego for Charlie Whitehurst, who has never ~~taken a regular season snap~~ thrown a regular season pass in the NFL. They also hired Pete Carroll as he was cowardly fleeing USC's sinking ship, let TJ Houshmanzadeh go for some reason when he was their best receiver last year, and to replace him? Former USC WR Mike Williams, who was out of the league after failing with Detroit.

The Rams? Well, they suck. I'm giving it 4 weeks until Sam Bradford gets knocked out for the year after getting creamed by some monster D-lineman.

That leaves the Niners. They're pretty much going to win this division by the two sweetest words in the English language...de-fault. If Alex Smith can't lead this team to a division title THIS year, in THIS shitty division of teams, it's never going to happen and he'll probably be asked to take his tiny hands and hit the road. Also, I fucking hate Frank Gore. That asshole boned me in fantasy like 3 years in a row.

The Mark Show's picks: Niners, Seahawks, Cardinals, Rams

Bamadawg's picks: San Fran, Hawks, Arizona, St. Louis

BoozeRob's picks: San Fran, Clemons is a queer, St. Louis, Pom Pom Pete's Pussy Patrol

NFC North

I'm happy Brett Favre is back. There I said it. I'm not happy about all the coverage he's already gotten, no no. I'm happy because it is going to be so god damn fun watching him crash and burn this year. Last year was a fucking fairy tale for that bastard. Pretty much everything went right for him and the Vikings. Well, up until the final minute of the NFC Championship anyway.

Man that puts a smile on my face. I enjoyed Peyton's pick six to lose the Super Bowl more, but that Favre interception was awesome too. Anyway, like I was saying, everything went perfectly last year. It so fucking annoying. This year is going to be great. Favre is already getting injections in his ankle and bitching about the pain. His favorite target, Sidney Rice, is out for at least half the season after having hip surgery. His other favorite target, Percy Harvin, has some weird issue with migraines and there's no telling when he's going to miss playing time. It's all heading towards a massive Favre implosion that is going to be spectacular to watch. My only hope is that he throws another pick as his last pass of the season so it'll be four years in a row of that. Whether it's in the playoffs or the regular season, I don't care. And then we can (hopefully) finally say good riddance.

As for the rest of the division, the Packers should run away with things and lock up one of the top 2 seeds in the conference and a first-round bye. I don't see Mike Martz helping Jay Cutler at all. Cutler just doesn't have the mental abilities to be the great QB that everyone thinks he'll be based on his arm strength alone. And now he's "dating" Kristin Cavalleri? I would not be excited for this season if I were a Bears fan. Detroit should be improved over last season, and obviously the 0-16 season before that, but they're still the Lions and they're still going to finish last in the division.

The Mark Show's picks: Packers, Vikings, Bears, Lions

Bamadawg's picks: Packers, *Vikings*, Bears, Lions

BoozeRob's picks: Vikings, *Bamadawg can eat a dick*, Bears, Lions

NFC South

Let's just take a moment and enjoy Tracy Porter's Super Bowl interception, huh?

Ahhhh, that's good shit.

A lot of people are predicting a Super Bowl hangover for the Saints. And it's not a crazy prediction by any means. They toppled Peyton Manning, brought New Orleans the city's first ever championship, and then spent the summer celebrating their asses off. Also, Don Banks pointed out today that since the Patriots beat Jacksonville in the playoffs the season after they won their 3rd Super Bowl, no SB winning team has managed to win a playoff game the following year. Kind of a crazy statistic. So no one would begrudge the Saints if they somewhat shit the bed this season. I don't think it's going to happen, though. Drew Brees is too good, and Sean Payton really impresses me as a coach. I think between the two of them, they'll have the team ready to roll to another division title.

Atlanta has the chance to challenge them but I think ultimately they'll end up settling for a wild card spot. Carolina is being floated around as a sleeper team by some NFL writers but I just don't see it. Matt Moore was serviceable in his playing time last year but as with all quarterbacks, things get a lot harder once opponents get their hands on a bunch of game film and exploit your weaknesses. Moore, combined with what is going to be an awful defense, are going to keep this team from making any noise in the division. I'm not even going to bother talking about Tampa Bay.

The Mark Show's picks: Saints, *Falcons*, Panthers, Bucs

Bamadawg's picks: Atlanta, *New Orleans*, Carolina, Tampa Bay

BoozeRob's picks: New Orleans, Atlanta, Tampa Bay, Carolina

NFC East

And finally, the annoying NFC East. Once again being touted by some as the best division in football, which is bullshit. The Cowboys are legit, but the Eagles and Giants both have big question marks, and I think the Redskins are going to be a disaster.

Donovan McNabb is not the savior people are making him out to be, and neither is Mike Shanahan. Shanahan won what? One playoff game after Elway retired? And he didn't win shit with Elway until Terrel Davis arrived. Let's also not forget about how things turned out when another former Super Bowl-winning coach returned to the Redskins when Joe Gibbs made his painful-to-watch comeback a few years ago. Throw in the ugly Albert Haynesworth situation and I just can't see the Redskins having much success this year.

Philly's fate obviously rests in the hands of Kevin Kolb and his transition to the starter this year. I think he'll do well enough to get Philly a wild card spot with weapons like DeSean Jackson and LeSean McCoy to take some of the pressure off of him.

I don't really have anything to say about the Giants except for that it was awesome watching Eli Manning get JACKED UP in that first preseason game.

The Mark Show's picks: Cowboys, *Eagles*, Giants, Redskins

Bamadawg's picks: Dallas, Giants, Philly, Skins

BoozeRob's picks: Dallas, *Giants*, Redskins, Philly

We'll be back tomorrow with a rundown of the AFC. Get excited, people! It's almost football season!

MMFU: Eff 600

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Mon, 26 Jul 2010 17:54:00 +0000

1. ESPN and any other station interrupting regular programs to show A-Rod's at-bats

Alex Rodriguez is sitting on 599 career home runs and at some point in the near future will hit number 600. Good for him. Only six other players have ever done that. But holy shit is it really such a big deal that ESPN needs to interrupt whatever they're showing so we can watch every at-bat until he finally hits a bomb? Fuck. No.

Seriously, who gives a shit? A-Rod's in the prime of his career and might end up with over 800 home runs if he stays healthy. It's not like he's some declining superstar like Griffey clinging to the tail end of his career trying to reach one last milestone. Sure, it'd be kind of cool to actually be in the ball park when A-Rod hits No. 600 but I guarantee you no one in their right mind is watching ESPN during Yankee games and waiting for them to switch to an A-Rod at-bat.

It's fucking stupid and annoying and it really pisses me off.

2. Dez Bryant

Dez Bryant is making news this morning because he refused to participate in rookie "hazing" and wouldn't carry Roy Williams' pads after practice. And now we've got dipshits like Peter King praising him and saying it's good that someone is taking a stand.

Fuck that. Is hazing stupid? Yes. Is Roy Williams a shitty fucking receiver dipshit? Yes. But jesus, it's not like Bryant is being asked to do anything outlandish or humiliating. Just carry the fucking pads, asshole. Big fucking deal.

Enjoy being taped to the goal post later this week, rookie. What an ass.

3. The Weather Channel

Look, I know I shouldn't take the weather forecast to the bank or anything but shit, don't tell me it's going to thunderstorm all day and then have it be sunny and hot as shit with no clouds instead. Now you might be saying, "Isn't that a better alternative?" Of course it is, in most cases. But this time it meant having to do 4 hours worth of destruction on a wild rose bush in the blazing sun, cutting my hands and forearms on the thorns, and getting burnt to shit since I was too stupid to put any sunscreen on. My arms are going to be peeling like CRAZY in a few days.

F--k Lebron James

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Thu, 08 Jul 2010 13:38:00 +0000

Fuck Lebron James. Fuck him right in the ear. This is a guy who hasn't won anything in his fucking life. He didn't win in high school. He hasn't won in the pros. Shit, he couldn't even win a fucking game when his team made the finals. He's a fucking loser. I hate him more than any other athlete in sports history. And there are a lot of athletes that I hate. A one hour TV show to announce where you're going to be next year? Fuck you, you piece of shit.

Even if he announces he's returning to Cleveland he's still a gigantic, gaping asshole. And if he doesn't return to Cleveland? Holy fucking shit. That would be the biggest fuck you to an entire city of all time.

Lebron didn't need all this time to make a decision. You can't tell me he hasn't had his mind made up this entire time. So why the fucking drama? Because he's an absolute dickhead, that's why.

To me, there's something telling about how no marquee players have come to Cleveland the past few years. And that's because everything has to be about Lebron. Win a championship? It's all about Lebron. Don't win a championship? It's about how Lebron wasn't surrounded by the talent he needed to win. It's about how the coach sucks. It's about how the GM is no good. It's all fucking bullshit.

It's also complete bullshit that he's giving the advertising money to charity for this one hour blowjob tonight. Hey asshole, you're worth a shit ton of money. You wanna give to charity? Then fucking give to charity. I guarantee you could give more on your own than is going to be produced by the show tonight. Fucking dick.

I hope he returns to Cleveland. And then I hope he fucking fails miserably and never wins a title. His legacy is, in my opinion, forever tarnished by this bullshit. If I were a Cavs fan I'm not sure how I'd be able to throw my full support behind him. It's his home state, practically his home town and he's treating it like ass. Fuck him. And if he goes to Miami or Chicago, well congratulations, he had to sell his soul and ditch his home state. Way to go, douche. You're the self-proclaimed "King" and you had to go somewhere else to win a title? Fuck you.

Lebron is an over hyped bastard. As a Cleveland Indians fan, I would love for the city to win a championship in any sport. But seriously, fuck Lebron James. This shit makes the Brett Favre stuff make me happy to hear about Brett Favre. And that REALLY pisses me off. Call me when Lebron wins a title. At 9 pm EST tonight I'll be doing something else besides watching this asshole jerk off to himself.

Fuck Lebron James. And fuck ESPN for allowing this bullshit on their airwaves.

MMFU: This Weekend Was Awesome

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Mon, 28 Jun 2010 19:42:00 +0000

Since this weekend was pretty much fucking awesome for me we're doing something a little different for the Monday Morning Fuck You. Fuck Yous versus Fuck Yeahs! Let's jump right in!

1. Fuck Yeah: Hanging out and boozing with friends from college all weekend
Earlier in the week one of my best friends had his 30th birthday. He's the first in my group of friends to hit the dreaded milestone and his wife organized a surprise weekend for him at a condo up on Lake Winnipesaukee. I arrived first, early in the afternoon and as the day went on, 3 more of our friends, all of whom were in my wedding party, showed up with their wives as well. A 5:45am wakeup call to golf on Saturday didn't stop us from boozing until almost 3am shooting the shit, busting each other's balls and just generally having a great time. Like I said in Friday's post, that type of shit hardly ever happens anymore so we all wanted to take advantage.

Golfing on 3 hours of sleep? Fucking awesome. Cigars at 8am? Fucking awesome. Hanging out without the wives around? Earmuffs, ladies...fucking awesome. The only thing that would have made it better is if I had shaved 2 measly strokes off of my round to break 100. Fucking 101. Probably shouldn't have 4-putted that one hole. Balls.

After golf it was back to the condo for lunch and then beach time. It was cloudy and windy but so fucking what? It was still awesome. Watching the soccer game? Not so awesome, but we'll get to that later. The big birthday BBQ/Luau? You guessed it! Fucking awesome. All in all, just a kickass weekend that needs to happen way more often than it actually does. Getting old fucking blows.

2. Fuck You: The Soccer Game
Are you fucking kidding me with that shit? A goal in the 6th minute to start the game and then a goal in the 3rd minute of overtime? What the fuck? And can we get someone on the damn team who can actually finish? Jesus christ, put it in the back of the damn net, jerks!

I never felt comfortable about this US team's chances for one reason: Bob Bradley looks WAY too much like Dick Jauron. It depressed me every time they showed him because thoughts of Jauron's incompetence leaped into my brain instantly. You can't win with the stink of Jauron in the mix.

I know the diving and flopping and stalling and all that bullshit is part of soccer and it's probably not going to change anytime soon but the end of that game was a god damn disgrace. Hey ref, how about carding those fuckers to get them to stop with the bullshit for a little bit, huh? Everyone in the fucking world knew exactly what they were doing and I'm sure you did too. For god's sake that one piece of shit dropped dead after doing a bicycle kick with no one within 10 feet of him, laid there like a corpse, got taken off on a stretcher, and then immediately hopped up and walked around on the sidelines. That is fucking ridiculous. And the dude who scored the winning goal? He stopped play at the end of regulation because he got "kicked" in the chest and "couldn't" get up. And when he finally did get up after play was stopped he clutched his chest like Jack Bauer had just taken an axe to it. Poor thing. So what does he do after he scored a goal 5 minutes later? The motherfucker starts pounding his chest with his fist, a la Kevin Garnett. So I guess the "injury" wasn't that bad, huh?

The entire tournament is being marred by shitty officiating and the pathetic flopping. That kind of stuff was fine back in the day but now we've reached the point where tv coverage is so good that we get to see every replay multiple times and can see that a lot of the calls being made are complete bullshit. And we can see just how badly these assholes are diving to get calls from the officials. Unfortunately, FIFA seems content to just keep their eyes closed and their ears plugged and ignore the massive amount of criticism that is headed in their direction. Fucking assholes.

3. Fuck Yeah: Scotch!
I've discussed before how I'm effectively banned from having scotch, deservedly so. But this weekend? I had some! And it was fucking good! Next scotch appointment? August 9th. MY 30th birthday. I can already taste it. Mmmmmm.

4. Fuck You: Mosquitoes
God damn piece of shit bloodsuckers. I'm all kinds of itchy today because of you little fucks. And the most annoying part is that yesterday I wasn't itchy at all so I thought I had somehow escaped the weekend without being bitten. Yeah, not quite. Bur.

5. Fuck Yeah AND Fuck You: Cornhole, Ladder Golf, Washer Toss
Fuck Yeah because I fucking LOVE playing games like these. Especially cornhole. It's the type of stupid, random activity that I generally kick ass at. So after talking shit about the last time we were all together and Wifey and I went undefeated in cornhole you can probably guess what happened. Got fucking destroyed. It didn't help that my partner (not Wifey) was god damn worthless and didn't score a single point but still, not a good showing. Then it was time for ladder golf with Wifey as my partner and not only did we blow an early lead and lose, but she scored more points than me. Annoying. Yet still fun as shit.

6. Fuck Yeah: Baby Mark Show
5 total hours of driving with no stops because Baby Mark Show was perfectly behaved on both rides. Clutch sleeping at night in a house full of people with no crying to wake anyone up. Well behaved the entire weekend. Flirting his ass off with the girl baby who was there. Pretty much a no-hitter for Baby Mark Show. And he didn't even need 149 pitches like Edwin Jackson. Bravo, little buddy.

And to wrap things up, I know I said it before, but I'm saying it again...this weekend was fucking awesome.

This Weekend Is Going to Be Rad

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Fri, 25 Jun 2010 13:24:00 +0000

Now that my friends and I are approaching our 30s, it's a major fucking pain in the ass trying to get together. Add Baby Mark Show to the mix and things get even harder. And that's why I'm excited about my friends and myself heading into the next couple of years with 30th birthdays coming up here and there. It's a perfect excuse to drag the wives and any kids that may be popping out in the next few years to a common location and hang out with all the old college buddies.

The last few years it was the wedding circuit, and as fun as everyone's weddings were, thank the fucking lord that shit is over. Yes, it's awesome seeing everybody but it can't beat a weekend of just relaxing and shooting the shit. And that's exactly what's going to happen this weekend and I can't fucking wait. Golf, BBQ, boating, cornhole, general shenanigans...it's going to be awesome.

And smack dab in the middle of everything is USA-Ghana at 2:30 on Saturday. Sporting events are always more fun to watch with a group of friends. I mean, shit, there's only so much texting I can do during a game, and I can do a fuckload of texting.

I expect the US to win on Saturday. I've heard people say that the US is always an underdog in the World Cup but that's just not true. I've read articles about how no one should be that excited about their chances because they could barely beat Algeria. And that, my friends, is a fucking load of complete bullshit. Have these shitheads been paying attention to this World Cup? Other than Germany's 4-0 win over Australia and Portugal's 7-0 assraping of North Korea (suck it, Kim Jong Il!) every game has been insanely close and competitive. For christ's sake, the 2 finalists from 2006 have already been bounced and there's a possibility that Spain could be ousted today, too. Not to mention the fact that Algeria, for some cowardly reason, packed it in on the defensive end and seemed content to play to a 0-0 tie instead of actually trying to win and advance. Fucking pussies.

The US can beat Ghana. The US SHOULD beat Ghana. And I'm pumped that I'll be watching it with some of my best friends.

USA! USA! USA!

Aaaaaaand We're Back!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Wed, 23 Jun 2010 01:32:00 +0000

Well hey hey! Anybody still checking this god damn site for updates? No? Jesus you people are demanding. You want updates more frequently than once every two months? Fine. I'd love to say that I've been super busy with no time to write but that's just simply not true. It's laziness. Pure and simple. So let's delve into some of the shit that's happened since the last time I wrote. At least some of the stuff I can remember, anyway. Getting old and senile fucking blows. Let's see, where shall we start? Oh! I know! I have a fucking kid now!

1. Baby Mark Show has arrived!

I plan on writing more about the joy/frustration/hilarity of having a baby around, but to avoid jamming 7 weeks of baby stuff into one post, let's just go with labor, delivery, and the first few days of parenthood for this one. On May 4th I went into work just like any other day and started my routine of checking email and catching up on all the shit piled up in my Google Reader cache.

Wifey called on her way to a meeting...or at least I thought she was on her way to a meeting. Nope! Turns out she thought her water might have broken so she was on the way to the hospital to get checked out.

HOLY SHIT! Well what the fuck do I do now? Just sit here and wait for you to call me back?? Do you realize how impossible that is???

So I sat. And waited. And fidgeted. And walked around. After like 4 days I finally got the call that her water had indeed broken and that she was being checked in to the hospital so that they could induce labor at some point.

This all happened at like 9am. I raced home. Grabbed Wifey's pre-packed hospital bag, packed my own bag, and hustled to the hospital. Well, turns out that there was no rushing necessary. Just because the water breaks, it doesn't mean that labor has started. So we waited. And waited. And fucking waited. We played games, we watched a movie, we had lunch AND dinner. FINALLY, at 7pm the contractions started coming.

At first they were ok, just seemed like some mild discomfort. At least to me, anyway. Hell, at 9pm I even asked if she wanted to watch LOST (um, no). And then all of a sudden, holy shit here comes the pain!

If you know me at all, you know that I kinda sorta like being in control of situations. There's a reason it's called The Mark Show, after all. Well, watching my wife go through labor was probably the most helpless I've ever felt in my entire life. There was absolutely NOTHING I could do to help her while the contractions were happening and seeing someone you love in that kind of pain is fucking brutal.

At 9:30pm, the doctor came in to check her cervix and announced that it was still only 1cm dilated. Are you fucking kidding me, lady? I think Wifey was ready to punch her in the face when she said that. So labor continued and at about 10:30 Wifey had had enough and asked for an epidural. The nurse said ok, but wanted to check her cervix one more time. Hey, no more cervix! No epidural needed! And now it's time to push...

Now this was the part that blew my mind...pushing was the "easy" part of the whole process. After all the screams during the contractions, Wifey barely made a sound during the pushing phase. I'll forever be amazed by that. Completely calm, just working to get the baby out. Fucking incredible.

Pushing took us past midnight and into May 5, 2010. Fuck yeah, Cinco de Mayo party baby! At 12:21am, the baby came roaring out. The umbilical cord was wrapped around its neck. Twice. Jesus, cut that thing! I was trying my damnedest to determine if it was a boy or a girl but I couldn't see and finally the doctor announced, "It's a boy!" WOOOOOOOOOO!

The nurse cleaned him off, swaddled him and handed him to me. And holy shit that is an incredible feeling. Indescribable, really. He was wide awake, looking at me, looking around the room, just checking everything out. No crying or fussing, just completely content, staring up at me with these huge beautiful eyes. So. Fucking. Awesome.

And now, let's get back to some sports.

2. One Quarter Away
It shouldn't have been that close going into the 4th quarter, which is what really fucking kills me. The Lakers won Game 7 because the Celtics couldn't get a fucking rebound and kept allowing second chance points. I would love to bitch about the refs, but other than a few calls, they were fine. I would love to revel in Kobe's complete and utter stinkbomb. I would love to make fun of Pau Gasol for looking a stupid llama (actually, I can still do that. Fuck you, Llama!) I would have LOVED for Sasha fucking Vujacic to have choked at the free throw line. God damn it.

I actually started cheering when Ron Artest launched that 3 with under a minute to go. I still can't believe that went in. In fact, I can't believe Ron Artest was the MVP of that game. Fucking unbelievable.

All they had to do was hang on for one more quarter and they couldn't do it. Bur.

3. The Cleveland Indians

Actually, no, let's not talk about them. Jesus christ what a disaster.

That's it for now, people. Just gotta the blog wheels rolling again. More posts coming soon. I swear!

Saturday Morning Thoughts

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Sat, 24 Apr 2010 11:40:00 +0000

It's 7:30 in the morning as I start writing this post. I've been up since 6. Basically, my internal clock is a fucking asshole. I struggle to get out of bed between 6:30 and 7am every fucking day of the week when I have to get up for work, yet when it comes to Saturday? Wide fucking awake at 6am. It never fucking fails.

Our bedroom window faces east so as soon as the sun comes up our room gets lit the fuck up. Sometimes we pull the shade down but most of the time I kind of like waking up because of natural light instead of the heart attack inducing shriek of the alarm clock. But on weekends I always forget to pull the shade down and the sun and my dickhead internal clock always wake me up way too fucking early. Wifey has the ability to put a pillow over her face and go right back to sleep. I'm not nearly that lucky. I wake up and my brain is immediately filled with questions.

"Do you have to go to the bathroom?" Yes. /get up and pee
"Now that you're back in bed, do you still have to go to the bathroom?" Yes. Fuck /get up and take a dump
"Hey, how come you can't wake up during the work week but now you're wide awake?" I don't know, asshole. Let me go back to sleep!
DROID! /check phone to see a stupid email from Macy's telling me about a 10% sale. /put phone on silent
"Hey, did you win that late night Streak for the CASH pick?" Hmmm, lemme check. Nope. Fuck!

And so on...and on top of all of that bullshit are the fucking Canadian Geese that are fucking EVERYWHERE outside of my apartment building. And those fuckers do not shut the fuck up. Ever. They are such assholes. The only time I ever hear them make any noise is in the morning when I'm trying to sleep. Also, they shit everywhere. Earlier this week, some uppity geese decided to shit directly in front of the door to the building. Some day I'm gonna lose it and just snap one of their necks and cook the goose on the lawn as a warning to all the other geese. Fuck those fuckers and their incessant honking.

On another note, we're now through the first two rounds of the NFL Draft. If you follow my Twitter feed (@Mark_Show) you probably noticed that I wasn't really happy with the Patriots and how they handled the first round. I mean, really not happy. I was fucking pissed. I wanted Dez Bryant. They could have taken him and still probably gotten Devin McCourty in the 2nd round. Fucking shit. If Dez Bryant turns into a superstar....god, I don't even wanna talk about it. And if he doesn't? I will always believe that if he had come to New England things would have worked out differently and he would have been the greatest receiver of all time. Or something like that. Either way, it works out that I was right that the Pats should have taken him. I like that kind of fucked up logic. Makes me look like a genius.

However, now that it's Saturday, I've calmed down and my initial anger has subsided a little bit. I'm ready to see how McCourty works out. I'm ready to see if they actually throw the ball to the tight end they drafted with their 2nd overall pick. I'm ready to see if all the trading down benefits the team in the future. I'm just ready for fucking football! Unfortunately, the season is still over 4 months away. Balls.

As far as the NBA playoffs go, I really wish I had more time to watch the games. Especially the Western Conference games where there are some truly compelling matchups going on. But being on the East coast, I just can't stay up that late, which sucks. I wish I had stayed up to watch Kobe-Durant on Thursday night. Man I hope the Thunder can win game 4 and send things back to LA all tied up. I know it sucks for BoozeRob but even HE has to rooting for Durant, right? Am I wrong, Booze? If they could topple the Lakers in Round 1? God damn that would be fucking sweet.

And now we come to the Celtics. Going in to the playoffs, like pretty much everyone else, I really didn't have much in the way of expectations for this team. Game 1 happened and while I was happy that it looked like they were going to win, I couldn't believe that it was going to take ridiculous efforts from Glen Davis and Tony Allen to get it done. And then, of course, the scuffle happened. Paul Pierce went down, for whatever reason, and KG stood over him and then that little bitch Quentin Richardson came over and chaos broke out.

Now, I'm not going to defend KG here. He deserved his suspension. He let a fucking nobody like Q get in his head and he lost control. And he's a fucking asshole for doing that. But, Richardson can cut the shit for his quote saying that he only walked over there to get ready to inbound the ball. Not a fucking chance you piece of shit. First of all, the ball was being taken out from under the basket, dickhead. And second, everyone knows that you have issues with Pierce and the Celtics for some reason, which is pretty hilarious when you consider the fact that you're a shitty player with one skill, yet you feel like you can talk shit to anyone in the league. Get fucked.

Anyway, thanks to Pierce fucking burying the game-winner last night (why didn't the Heat use their foul to give?), it's now 3-0 and we're looking at a 2nd round matchup with Lebron and the Cavs. A week ago I would have said they had no chance. But after the the absolute ass kicking in Game 2 without KG and last night's gritty win, I'm feeling a little more optimistic. LET'S GO C'S!

Oh, and go Bruins. Wrap it up at home in Game 6, B's!

NFL Draft Tonight!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Thu, 22 Apr 2010 21:35:00 +0000

Sweet fucking tits it's NFL Draft night! So without further ado, let's jump into some draft and other NFL thoughts, shall we?

1. I'm pretty sure I think I like the new draft format
I'm pretty sure I like this new draft format. 1st round tonight. 2nd and 3rd rounds tomorrow night. Everything else on Saturday. I'm also pretty sure that by tomorrow morning I will fucking LOVE it. Yeah, I'm kinda annoyed that I'm gonna have to stay up until midnight only to have the Patriots trade out of the first round, but it's going to be awesome to spend all day tomorrow talking about who got drafted in the first round and who's left for the second round. And you absolutely have to love that kind of distraction at work. Fan-fucking-tastic. Plus, now that I'm married with a kid on the way it would have been harder and harder to keep blocking off an entire Saturday year after year.

2. Speaking of the Pats, please don't trade down
Look, we get it. Belichick likes hoarding draft picks and all that bullshit but let's face it, the last few Patriots' drafts haven't yielded much in the way of serviceable players. For once can we just fucking pick the best player for our team in the spot we're at? And I swear to god, if that player ends up Jermaine Gresham I'm going to fucking lose my shit. Yeah, the Pats need a TE besides Alge Crumpler, but spending another 1st round pick on a position that has such a minimal impact on the offense is fucking insane. Please tell me that the Pats have learned their lesson after Daniel Graham and Ben Watson.

As for who I want? One way or another (trading up, a player dropping down, whatever) I hope the Pats end up getting Rolando McClain, Derrick Morgan, CJ Spiller, Dez Bryant or Sergio Kindle.

3. Tim Tebow
Quite frankly, there's a small part of me that would like it if the Pats end up taking Tebow, if only because Dan Shanoff hates the Pats so much. The ironing would be delicious. But besides that, I can't see the Pats taking him the first round. Please God no. If he's available for one of the three second round picks that the Pats have? Well, fine. I happen to think that Tebow will make a good NFL quarterback. And if he sits behind Tom Brady, learning from the best, who knows what his ceiling would be. He isn't some one-year starter wonder like Tim Couch, Jason White, and every other bust that always comes up. The kid is legit. Even if I think he's annoying as shit and the continuous media blowjob of him is awful.

4. The Rams are making a mistake if/when they take Sam Bradford #1
I truly don't understand what the fuck the Rams are thinking. Bradford seems like a good guy who will work his ass off to be the best QB he can possibly be. But that doesn't change the fact that he just missed his entire senior year because some tiny ass college D-lineman fell on his shoulder and completely destroyed it. What happens when some beast NFL player hits him? And that's gonna fucking happen A LOT. Yeah, he won the Heisman, but a shitload of busts have won that award as well. To switch from a sure thing like Ndamukong Suh to Bradford just because he impressed everyone on his pro day, throwing without pads or defensive pressure, just seems fucking stupid to me. We'll see how it plays out, but the Lions are getting a fucking hell of a gift with Suh dropping to #2.

5. 2 weeks away from the due date
Baby Mark Show is two motherfucking weeks away. Holy fucking shit! I've done so much baby prep work in the last month and it's finally all done. Pretty much. But of course, the work is never going to end once the baby comes. And that's just fine. I couldn't be more excited. It's going to be fucking awesome. Just make sure to remind me that it's awesome when I'm waking up every three hours to change a poopy diaper because Wifey is sleeping between feeding the baby every three hours.

The Mark Show Says...Part 2

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Wed, 31 Mar 2010 21:32:00 +0000

Alright, on to Part 2 of The Mark Show Says...

Before we even get started, I absolutely meant to include this clip in yesterday’s post:

HERE COMES THE PAIN! Just fucking outstanding. I’ve watched that clip probably 20 times and it’s made me laugh every time.

3. 5 Weeks
We’re now 5 weeks away from my wife’s due date. Five. Fucking. Weeks. That’s 35 days. That’s just over a month. In other words, that’s fucking SOON!

So because we’re going to be first time parents, Wifey and I have been doing a shitload of research and other things that will probably seem incredibly pointless once the kid arrives and takes over the world. One of these things was attending a childbirth class at the hospital. There were two options for the class, the first being five 2-hour sessions held over the course of 5 weeks and the second being a 9-hour course held on a Saturday. We chose door number 2. Let’s just get it over with, right? Right.

Now, I’m not going to say that the class was completely worthless, but let’s just say it left a LOT to be desired. Only two things made it worthwhile, in my opinion. The first is that we got a tour of the maternity ward (I couldn’t see any signs of blood on the ceiling in the delivery room. Thank god.) so now I know where to go and shit when the time comes. And the second is that I have a better understanding of exactly how fucking interminably long the labor process is going to be. The average labor for first time moms is anywhere from 12 to 24 hours. Jesus fuck that is FOREVER. And the majority of that time is spent walking around, having contractions, and waiting for the cervix to expand to 10 centimeters so that Wifey can finally push the baby out. Not gonna be a good time for either of us, but especially her. Ouch.

Also, they showed us not one, not two, but THREE birth videos. Now here’s where you all grimace because watching a baby come out down there is a liiiiittle bit messy. But here’s the weird thing...it didn’t even phase me. I barely blinked. There are only two possible reasons for this: 1. I’ve seen enough violence and porn in my life that I’m completely desensitized to everything. Or 2. I’m actually mature enough to handle that type of thing. I highly doubt it’s number 2. Highly doubt it.

There was something in the last video that made us laugh, though. When babies are born, they’re covered from head to toe in a soapy white substance called vernix. Here, check out Google Image Search! So this mother is pushing out the baby and only the head is out, and it’s completely covered in this vernix stuff, looking like some sort of alien from a bad sci-fi movie, and the woman looks down and shrieks, “It doesn’t look like a baby!!” I’m telling you, it was absolutely hilarious.

So anyway, 5 weeks to go. I’m fucking pumped. I can’t wait to meet the little person who’s been rolling around Wifey’s belly. Also, I built the crib on Sunday. BOOM!

4. Red Sox Fans Are Fucking Whiny
Hey, baseball season starts on Sunday! Fuck yeah! What’s that? The Indians are going to be fucking awful this year? Well, shitballs.

Anyway, the season opens with the Sox and Yankees from Fenway Park on Sunday night and holy mother of god people in Boston are not happy about it. Every fucking time I turn on sports radio it’s one caller after another crying about how it’s so unfair that the Sox have to open on a Sunday instead of some random weekday. It’s fucking pathetic. Yeah, I get it, Opening Day is fun when it’s in the afternoon and you can skip work and go get drunk but the level of complaining that’s been going on has been absolutely amazing. Shut the fuck up you whiny assholes! At least you get to root for a good team. God I fucking hate Sox fans sometimes.

And that brings me back to the baby...living in Boston, it’s going to be really fucking hard to keep the kid from becoming a Red Sox fan. I’ll try my damnedest but it’s going to be a fucking uphill battle. If we have a girl, it probably won’t bother me that much, but if it’s a boy? Oof, that’s going to be a tough one to swallow if he decides to be a Sox fan. I’ve been thinking a lot lately about why it would bother me so much and I finally realized that it’s not about the Red Sox; it's because one of the biggest bonds I had with my father was our Indians fandom. Baseball in general was a big part of our relationship. We played catch all the time, he coached my little league teams, we watched the Indians lose two soul-crushing World Series (fucking Jose Mesa), etc. And baseball is a bond I’d really like to have with my own son. And if it's a bond that involves us rooting for different teams, I guess that's ok too. But fucking shit it would really be great if he grows up to be an Indians fan. Man I can't wait to have this kid.

The Mark Show Says...Part One

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Tue, 30 Mar 2010 21:56:00 +0000

Holy fucking shit our last post on this site was March 1st??? Booze, Bama and I each deserve about 10 kicks in the balls for that kind of laziness. Christ, none of us could even muster up the energy to do a March Madness post. That's pretty fucking pathetic and embarrassing. So in the interest of actually getting something up here, let's do another edition of The Mark Show Says...

1. March Madness
Holy shit this has been an awesome tournament. The Thursday opening round games set the tone for what has been a great ride so far. I can't remember another tournament that has featured so many close games and upsets. It's been fucking great. Sure, my bracket is completely done but I don't give a shit. All I want from this tournament is entertaining basketball, and so far, this year has fucking delivered.

In my opinion, the greatest thing about March Madness is seeing the 1-seeds get toppled. I had Kansas to win it all in my bracket but that didn't stop me for one second from enjoying the shit out Northern Iowa knocking them out. I mean, the balls on Ali Farokmanesh (I don't give a shit if that's spelled wrong) for taking that 3-pointer at the end of the game...holy shit. Just fucking incredible. Watching Syracuse and Kentucky go down a week later was just as good. Especially since fucking Jim Nantz was rooting for Kentucky SO hard he might as well have had Ashley Judd on his lap. Fucking A, Jim. I know you're a company man and all that but that shit was embarrassing.

2. Duke
Continuing with the March Madness thoughts, let's discuss Duke for a second, shall we? Now, pretty much everyone hates the shit out of Duke because they're always overrated, they always get WAY too much media coverage, fucking Dick Vitale, etc, etc.

Growing up, I LOVED Duke. Bobby Hurley was pretty much my idol from when I was 11-years old until he got in that car crash and couldn't ever play again. Anyway, the point is that I was a huge Duke fan throughout high school and college. But after college, I slowly started shifting in the other direction to the point where now I hate Duke as much as anyone else, and I've never really been able to figure out why. But the other day it finally hit me...

I loved Duke growing up because I could envision myself playing there. I spent a shitload of time in my teenage years shooting hoops in my driveway, imagining that I was sinking the game-winning buzzer beater for Duke. I dropped 30+ on UNC so many times in my driveway it's not even funny. I was a pretty good player in high school. Not good enough that anyone would ever recruit me, but good enough that a lot of people thought I might be able to be a walk-on somewhere. And for me, that somewhere was Duke. Sure, I would have been the guy in warmups going nuts on the bench while Jason Williams and Carlos Boozer carried the team to the title, but I still would have been there.

But then, I got the rejection letter from Duke. And that's where the turn to hating them began, if only a little bit. I still rooted for them throughout college, especially the year they beat Arizona for the National Championship. My other Best Man (I had two, and Booze was one) went to Zona and there's not much in this world that makes me happier than seeing his teams lose. He was so fucking upset. God it was glorious. Plus I was still in college, and even though I was getting fat and lazy there was still the imaginary chance that I could transfer to Duke and be on the team.

Well, those days are gone now. Long fucking gone. I don't hate Duke to the degree that most people do but it does make me happy when they lose. I had my 16 and 18-year old brothers-in-law over on Sunday to watch the Duke-Baylor game and they both said they liked Duke. I'm pretty sure they'll come around to the other side once they're done with college.

One final annoyance...Kyle Singler looks pretty much EXACTLY like I looked in high school. I need to find a picture of me from my high school bball days and scan it so I prove it to you, but I'm serious. He's practically my twin. Fucking asshole. That was MY roster spot!

Ok, Wifey's swim team clinic got canceled thanks to the ridiculous rain we've been having here in Massachusetts so Part Two will have to wait until tomorrow! Come back for impending baby talk, whiny Red Sox fans, and maybe more!

Monday Morning Eff You: March 1, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Mon, 01 Mar 2010 22:59:00 +0000

Hey, hey! Getting this bad boy posted on a Monday for once! Fuck yeah!

1. Canada
Oh you lucky shithead puck freaks. God it would have been fucking awesome if the US team had pulled off the upset last night. The entire country would have been absolutely devastated. But nooooo, Sid the Kid had to go and throw a fucking hail mary at the net and somehow sneak it through the 5-hole. Oh well. It would have been nice to get the gold there but 5 minutes after the game I had moved on. I mean, it's fucking hockey. I enjoyed the shit out of the game and that's good enough. What pisses me off, though, is this whole 4-0n-4 overtime bullshit. What the fuck is that all about? No wonder hockey is a such a JV sport. Can you imagine if the NBA went to 4-on-4 for OT? It's fucking stupid. People complain about shootouts but is way fucking worse. Whatever.

2. The Celtics
Holy shit are you assholes fucking kidding me?? Losing to the Nets? At home??? Wow. I guess it's just about time to stick a fork in this season, huh? Believe me, I'm not going to give up on the team outright but that was pretty demoralizing. I didn't watch the game, but I can only assume that Nate Robinson is a little fucking midget cancer. And don't let BoozeRob tell you differently!

3. Marco Materazzi
I know, I know. Who?? Well, Matterazi is the guy who got famously head-butted by Zinedine Zidane in the 2006 World Cup Final that Italy eventually won in penalty kicks. Today I was checking the sports headlines and on cnnsi.com the headline was this:

Zidane: I 'rather die' than apologize for actions

My first reaction was something along the lines of, "Wow. Zidane is such a fucking asshole that he doesn't even give a shit that he might have cost his team the World Cup by getting red carded in Extra Time?" So I clicked on the link and found out that headline is quite misleading. Zidane has repeatedly apologized to his teammates and soccer fans and pretty much everyone except for Materazzi. And seriously, why the fuck would he apologize to him? I sure as fuck wouldn't.

But that's not the point here, the point is this:

Materazzi recently told Italy's La Repubblica paper he was still waiting for Zidane to apologize and that he was still so angry over the incident that he won't even watch this year's tournament in South Africa.

Are you fucking kidding me, buddy? You really expect anyone to believe that load of bullshit? Oh yeah, I'm sure you're REALLY upset about trashing Zidane's sick mother, baiting him into head-butting you, getting him kicked out of the game and helping your team win the World fucking Cup. I'm just so sure that it just eats you up inside that he hasn't apologized. Seriously, die in a fire. There's no fucking way that you actually boycott watching the World Cup this year. And if you do? Well then you're just a fucking tool.

4. Jimmy Clausen
Scouts at the NFL Combine have reportedly discovered that Clausen is a cocky piece of shit douchebag. In other news, the rest of the world already fucking knew that. Jesus christ I can't wait to see Clausen plummet on draft day and then fail in the NFL. Brady Quinn 2.o here we come!

The Mark Show Says...

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Thu, 25 Feb 2010 22:39:00 +0000

That's a pretty good representation of me at the moment. Well, except the baldness. And the beer (we'll get to that later). And the yellow skin (I'm practically albino). So ok, just the fatness, underwear and remote are a good representation. Whatever.

Since the three of us obviously suck at getting any posts up here in a timely manner I figured I'd throw up a rambling post talking about random shit, mostly non-sports related. But since this is supposed to be a sports blog, let's start with sports!

1. The Olympics

By far and away this is the least I've watched of any Olympics in my entire life. I'm not exactly sure why, but I really just don't give a fuck. Part of the problem is that NBC is run by a bunch of fucking donkeys and insist on showing tape delayed crap that I already know the results of. Fuck that shit. I mean, yeah, I watched enough of the skiing last night just to see Lindsey Vonn eat shit, but for the most part, if I already know the results, I'm not watching. Another problem is that I'm fucking old and I just can't stay up that late anymore. Last week I got in bed right before the men's figure skating finals. I would have loved to see that Russian fuckhead lose to the American but I seriously couldn't stay awake. Getting old sucks. However, I WILL be watching the hockey game on Friday and the gold medal match (if the US makes it) on Sunday. And really, it's a shame that I haven't been watching more because the United States is fucking raping these Olympics. U-S-A! U-S-A!

2. I'm a fucking idiot

On Tuesday I got home from work and went to unload the dishwasher. I opened the dishwasher up...hey, these dishes are still dirty! I forgot to turn the fucking thing on the night before. I loaded all the dirty dishes, put the detergent packet in, locked the door, and then walked away like a jackass. I do this way more often than I care to admit. It's fucking embarrassing. I quickly started the dishwasher before Wifey got home to hide my idiocy, but then as soon as she got home, I told her. Her response? "Again?" But you see, there's a reason I told her...it keeps expectations low. As long as she thinks she married a barely functional moron who does stupid shit like forget to start the dishwasher, it makes my other, more respectable, qualities stand out even more! Cooked an awesome dinner? I rule! Took the trash out? I'm fucking awesome! Actually started the dishwasher and then unloaded the clean dishes? Best husband ever!

And if you needed more proof of my dumbass-ness, check this shit out...actually, first I need to rant for a few sentences. In my cube at work I have a mini-fridge and a microwave. The mini-fridge isn't really a problem. Yeah, it pisses me off that the raging douchebag in the next cube over occasionally uses it but that really has more to do with the kid being a fucking tool than being annoyed about sharing the fridge. Other people who I like use the fridge and I don't care. But the microwave? Only one other person uses the microwave, and this old dude likes to use it to make microwave popcorn late in the afternoon. This drives me fucking insane. I have no idea where this asshole's desk is, but it's nowhere even close to mine because I know everyone who sits around me. There are microwaves in the cafeteria and all over the fucking place in other cubes but this guy has to come to MY cube and use MY microwave to make his popcorn. And it smells so fucking good it fucking kills me. And I never get to eat any of it, and the smell lingers for fucking ever. Have a little respect for your co-workers, dickhead. You make that popcorn and make the entire room smell like delicious, buttery popcorn and productivity drops like a fucking rock. How can I be expected to work when I'm distracted by that shit? Dickwad.

ANYWAY, back to the whole point of this story. But first, a little background! Yeah, I know, I'm all over the fucking place here but just bear with me. I don't like to eat breakfast at home in the mornings. Just like I'd rather poop on company time, I'd also rather eat breakfast on company time. Because of this, I make scrambled eggs at night, toss them in a tupperware container, then nuke them for a minute at work, spray the shit out of them with I Can't Believe It's Not Butter spray butter, and enjoy them while I check emails and shit to start my day. Trust me, it tastes a lot better than it sounds.

So yesterday, at the end of the day, I was done with work and was gathering up my shit and getting ready to go home. Except, where the hell is my empty tupperware container? It's supposed to be sitting there on top of my computer bag like it always is! This location is also directly above my trash can so maybe I knocked it in the trash by accident? I look in the trash can: empty. The trash guys already came around and emptied it. Fuck. So I figured I had either put the tupperware where I usually do and then knocked it into the trash at some point, or I had simply thrown the tupperware into the trash like a fucking moron. Honestly, the latter option seemed more likely to me. And that's a little sad. I went home, told Wifey (Expectations? Lowered!), and went on with my life.

And then, this afternoon, that asshole with the microwave popcorn comes in, opens the microwave, and...

"Oh! Can I take this out of here?"
/holds up my eggs
"Um, yeah, I don't know who that belongs to."

Yup, I fucking microwaved my eggs, went to get coffee, and then forgot about the eggs entirely. Seems impossible, considering my fatness at this point, but apparently I'm more stupid than fat. Not the greatest self esteem boost I've ever had. Jesus Christ.

3. Holy shit Baby Mark Show is due in 10 weeks!

That's right, 10 weeks from TODAY Baby Mark Show is due to grace the world with his/her presence. And honestly, I can't fucking wait. I mean, yeah, I CAN wait because the apartment is a disaster right now as we rearrange things in preparation for The Chosen One, but other than that I'm fucking ready. People are asking if I'm scared, and seriously, I'm not. I feel almost the same way as I did before my wedding. Just ready to do the damn thing. Of course, the baby is more than just a whirlwind of a day so I suppose it's a little different, but still, I'm ready.

On Tuesday night we went to a meet and greet with the doctors at the hospital where Wifey is delivering. I was under the impression that it would be a fairly small number of people and we'd actually get to talk to the doctors and all that shit. I was wrong. Holy fucking pregnant women, Batman! There were about 150 people there, so 75 pregos, it was fucking packed. What followed was a Q&A with the 7 doctors in the "Gold" group.

The way this hospital works is that there is a rotation of doctors who are on call, for 24-hour shifts, throughout the week. So we don't exactly know which doctor will be delivering our baby. So this was a chance to at least get a look at the possible delivery doctors and ask them any questions we had. Now, right before going to this session I had the pleasure of reading Drew Magary's Funbag over at Deadspin. Obviously the first question and answer had an effect on me. As we were waiting for the session to start, I showed it to Wifey...

W: Haha, that's pretty funny.
M: I think he's exaggerating a little. Blood won't really get on the ceiling, right?
W (fucking with me, I think): Hey, you never know!
Doctor: Ok, let's get started, who has questions?
M (under my breath): Will there be blood on the ceiling?
W: /smacks me

Seriously though, blood on the ceiling??? Holy fucking shit! Because of the size of the crowd, they weren't able to give us a tour of the labor rooms and maternity ward as advertised, but they said we will get a tour when we come back for our Child Birth and Infant Care class later on. And let me tell you, I'm bringing my black light and CSI goggles and inspecting the SHIT out of the ceilings in the delivery rooms. Jesus.

One final note: When/if you go to one of these Q&A sessions, do NOT repeat questions that have already been asked. It will make everyone in the room, especially me, hate your fucking guts. And if it's a dipshit question like "How do I know when to come to the hospital?" that's even worse. Fucking listen the first time the question is answered!

By the way, the answer to that question is: "After your water breaks, call your doctor and they will tell if you need to come in or if you've got some time to chill out and have contractions for a while." It's not rocket science, people!

4. Lent and church in general

For the second straight year, I've given up alcohol for Lent. Some people think I'm crazy, but it's really not that hard. I mean, I'm old as shit so I don't really go out on the weekends anymore so it's not like that's an issue. Wifey's obviously pregnant, so I've lost my drinking partner for random wine nights where we pound a double barrel of shiraz and play Mario Party on the Wii all night. I'm not allowed (and rightfully so) to drink scotch anymore except for on special occasions so that's not a problem. So really, it's a pretty easy sacrifice. The only problem is the random times where I'm all set to have a beer and then remember at the last second that I'm not drinking during Lent.

For example, last weekend Wifey and I went to Ikea to buy a bunch of shit to start transforming the apartment in preparation for the baby. We bought 600 pounds of bookshelves and other storage units. I just about had a heart attack carrying all of that shit up the stairs to the apartment. But the real problem came on Sunday when I started building everything. I enjoy building shit. It makes me feel like a fucking man and Wifey is amazed that I can put this shit together with such ease. But I like drinking while I build stuff. It's a much better time when multiple beers are involved. Except this time I was stuck soberly watching the Celtics lose to the Nuggets. Bur. The no drinking thing also reared its ugly head yesterday when we took a co-worker out to lunch because it was his last day. Everyone ordered beers and I was about to order my own when I remembered I wasn't supposed to drink. Fuck. So other than these small annoyances, it's really no big deal. Plus it should help me shed some of this weight. It fucking better.

As far as church goes, I'm not an overly religious person but I don't mind going to Mass every Sunday. It's kind of peaceful and relaxing and I have a certain amount of faith. I just don't buy in to all of the bullshit that the Catholic church preaches, but we'll leave that alone. The thing with Mass is that it absolutely HAS to be the 9am service. The 9am service is nice. It's not very crowded, it usually ends in well less than an hour, and it's a nice start to the day. I don't sleep past 8am on the weekends anymore anyway, so we might as well get up and go to church. Plus we head to the in-laws' house right after it and my father-in-law makes us breakfast and we can do our laundry for free. But if we don't go in the morning? The 5pm service hangs over my head like a fucking guillotine. It just looms all day, ready to chop my head off and steal one of the last hours of my weekend. And I don't stop thinking about it all day. It's fucking terrible. 9am Mass? Good. 5pm Mass? Horrific.

5. Shut Up, Dorn!

We're doing away with Dorn of the Week over here. It was annoying waiting until after the weekend to do the Dorn post so instead of nominating Dorns during the week and choosing a winner we're just going to do full posts as warranted. It'll generate more posts in a timely manner and just make things run more smoothly. So starting now, look for more Dorn posts from this site.

Monday Morning Eff You: Another Late Edition!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 23:50:00 +0000

Alright, it's time for another Tuesday edition of MMFU, thanks to the awesomeness of the three day weekend provided by President's Day! Oh, did you not have Monday off? Fucking sucker.

1. The Olympic Fire Cauldron
Was there any doubt that the Canadians would find a way to fuck up the Opening Ceremonies? I mean, ANY doubt? Of course not. I'm just pissed that I sat through almost the entire telecast and then decided to go to bed before witnessing this absolute debacle. The funniest part about the whole thing is that it was Wayne Gretzky who didn't get to light his part of the flame. I mean, really? Kick Steve Nash or one of those other jerks out if you have to but you can't seriously tell me that it was the Great One who got the shaft here. Fucking priceless.

2. NBC
Forget the commercial-ridden coverage, the fucking moronic tape delay nonsense, the glossing over of the luger's death, the predictable "heart-warming" fluff stories and everything else, what really pissed me off was on Saturday when NBC had a segment pointing out the other mishaps in recent Opening Ceremonies. Look, assholes, they fucked up the MOST important part of the whole show! Lighting the torch is the culmination of the whole night and Canada fucked up. Just make fun of them like everyone else and move the fuck on.

3. The Mark Show
Now, I already said that I wrote my Olympic post before seeing Bill Simmons' repost on ESPN, but that doesn't excuse me from making pretty much every joke that he had already made. EIGHT years ago. I don't claim to be any sort of comedic genius but god damn that was some hackey shit. Made me feel dirty. Not dirty enough to take the post down or anything, but still, dirty all the same. Whatever.

4. Everyone except me who was just driving on Route 128 South
Jesus fuck, assholes. It's just a little snow! It's not even accumulating on the roads and yet you fuckers slow down to 10 miles an hour and clog everything up. Fucking jerks. I'm in a god damn hurry to get home and sit on the couch all night. MOVE YOUR FUCKING ASSES!

5. The Slam Dunk Contest
Ok, so I didn't watch it and I haven't seen a single highlight but from everything I've heard and read this was the worst dunk contest of all time. They need to up the stakes and get some marquee names in there or it's only going to get worse as we go forward. 10 years ago (holy SHIT I am old) we had pretty much reached this same abyss where the dunk contests were fucking terrible and then Vince Carter came along and resurrected everything. Well, we're at that point again and the only way this event is going to be saved is if Lebron is in it next year. What the fuck is your problem, Lebron? Get in there and fucking wow us! Asshole.

The Winter Olympics

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 18:12:00 +0000

Note: I wrote this BEFORE being notified that ESPN had linked to Bill Simmons' thumbs up/thumbs down column from 2002. God damn shit.

Nice fucking logo, Vancouver. Can't you Canadian puckheads do anything right?

Anyway, it's time for the Olympics! I enjoy the Olympics for the most part. It's an easy way to work up some good old fashioned patriotism with no real consequences either way. We win? U-S-A! U-S-A! We lose? Who gives a shit, it's the Olympics. That's why I don't understand people who don't like the Olympics and get all worked up about the fact that people are now cheering for sports that they don't give a shit about any other time of year. It's like hating on New Year's Eve, it's just not worth the energy.

Now obviously, some events are better than others, so let's go through a quick rundown of the events with a thumbs up or thumbs down (or thumbs sideways!), shall we? I'm not going to breakdown each event into all of its little sub-events, we'll just stick to the main categories as listed at the Olympics website.

Alpine Skiing - Thumbs Sideways
The downhill skiing events always captivate me for like 10 minutes before I get kinda bored with them. Yeah, there's the possibility of some horrific crash that could live on youtube for eternity but for the most part it's just people flying down the hill as you wait for each split time to see if they're going any faster than the top time so far.

However, it is pretty amazing how skiers almost never miss those gates. They're hauling fucking ass and somehow they manage to know exactly where to go to come within an inch or two of the gates. I can't even fathom that. Every single time I've ever played a Winter Olympics video game I miss like the second gate and get disqualified immediately. Pain in the ass.

Biathlon - Thumbs Down
The only even remotely cool part about these events is the shooting. And if I want to watch someone shoot a rifle it's almost fucking guaranteed that there's some cool ass sniper show on the military channel or one of the thousand other discovery type channels out there now. In fact, I got caught up watching one last night and ended up staying up way too late. It never gets old watching a cardboard cutout's head explode.

Bobsleigh, Luge, and Skeleton - Thumbs Up
Wait, bobSLEIGH? It's fucking bobSLED you stupid website! Jesus christ. The two-man luge provides enough cheap gay joke material as it is, you don't need to throw sleigh in there and make it even worse!

Even though this has the same element of watching the time splits as downhill skiing, for some reason it's a lot more exciting. I have no rational explanation for this but I could watch the push starts for the 4-man bobsled practically all day.

Even more exciting is the skeleton event, although I really don't understand how that became an event. I mean, is there any skill to it? Don't you just launch yourself down the track and pray to Jebus that you don't die? Because that's what I'd be doing.

Feel the rhythm! Feel the rhyme! Get on up! It's bobsled time! Coooooooooool Runnings!

Cross Country and Nordic Combined - Thumbs Down
Only exciting when there's a sprint to the finish, and only because I've done a fair share of cross country skiing in my life and I don't know how the fuck they can go so fast.

Curling - Thumbs Up
I fucking love curling. Sure, it's one of the stupidest events ever but it's like shuffleboard, and I fucking love playing shuffleboard. It's a goddamn shame that more bars don't have shuffleboard tables. When I get a house and a man cave that's one of the first things I'm getting. Shuffleboard rules.

Figure Skating - Thumbs Up
I almost gave this a sideways because the Men's Figure Skating is awful. Some dude would have to do a sextuple salchow (however the fuck that's spelled) for me to be impressed at all. Women's Figure Skating and the pairs events are good though. You get some sexy little bitches showing off their asses and the possibility of them wiping out, which always happens? Good times. It's just a bummer that Sasha Cohen didn't make the team this year. Bur.

Freestyle Skiing - Thumbs Down
Completely ruined by the X Games. I mean, who gives a shit about doing a couple tricks off of some moguls when two weeks ago we were watching people do triple back flips and shit while flying 100 feet through the air. BO-RING!

Ice Hockey - Thumbs Sideways
In theory, this should be awesome. The best NHL players representing their countries going head to head. In reality, this whole thing gets fucked because the Olympics takes place in the middle of the NHL season and these guys just aren't as intense as they should be because they know they still have to play another 5 months of hockey, for money, once this is over. The Gold Medal game is usually pretty good though.

Don't even get me started on Women's Hockey. Sorry ladies, but it fucking sucks.

Short Track and Speed Skating - Thumbs Up
Always some good wipeout potential here, especially in the short track events. And in the long distance events I always pray for a collision when the skaters have to switch lanes, but that never happens, dammit.

However, there is potential for thumbs down here, I'll explain...Wifey and I started dating right around the time of the 2006 Winter Olympics and the height of the Apolo Anton Ohno bullshit. Shortly after that he was on Dancing with the Stars. So we're killing time before 24 and I flip to DWTS for a sec and she casually throws out something along the lines of, "Did you know I've met Apolo Anton Ohno?" Apparently she met him in college at some point. She says he's about 5'2" and a "fucking tool." He fucking better be woman, because if that stupid fucking soul patch was anywhere near your mouth it's over! Well, not really, we are having a kid in less than three months. Gah!

Ski Jumping - Thumbs Up
Come on. Crash. Crash damn you! Ah, dammit! And repeat over and over again. Good times. This is another video game Olympics event that completely flummoxed me as a child.

Snowboarding - Thumbs Down
Like freestyle skiing, completely ruined by the X Games. And honestly, I love padding out medal count, but seriously, I can't believe that the IOC agreed to add snowboarding to the Olympics. Just book the United States for gold and let's move on.

And there you have it, hopefully the Opening Ceremony has some cool shit tonight and the United States kicks a bunch of ass for the next 12 days or however long this shit lasts. U-S-A! U-S-A! U-S-A! I think I'll go watch Miracle now.

Monday Morning Eff You: The Late Edition!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Tue, 09 Feb 2010 13:09:00 +0000

Well, I'm still at home, in bed, thanks to my fucking piece of shit lower back, but now I've got the computer in bed with me and I'm not hopped up on painkillers so I can do this thing.

1. Peyton Manning
AAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I mean, seriously, could there have been a more perfect way for the Colts to blow that game? No fucking way. That pick six was fucking glorious. Almost orgasmic. Tracy Porter is the fucking balls. He picked off Brett Favre two weeks ago and now he clinches the Super Bowl by taking a Manning pass to the house. Fucking. Awesome.

I also enjoyed Manning's half-assed effort to make a tackle. What a fucking twat. And GINORMOUS fuck you to anyway trying to claim that a flag should have been thrown for a block in the back on Manning. Seriously, fuck off. He wasn't making any attempt to tackle him, and he wasn't even facing the right fucking direction! Do we really have nothing left to do these days than nitpick little shit like that? Just fucking enjoy the play!

2. Tony Dungy
Did you see Dungy pop off last week before the game? You didn't? Oh well let me inform you...

"I think they're going to be so far ahead that people are going to say, 'Oh, ho-hum, he played a good game, they won by two scores, the Colts won their second championship,' " Dungy said of Manning on Thursday. "He's going to have those rings Sunday night. I don't think it's going to be close. Minnesota is playing in New Orleans, they turn the ball over five times, have two or three stupid penalties and still lose in overtime, I don't see how it's going to be close. The Colts aren't going to turn it over seven times."

Well Tony, you were right about one thing, the Colts didn't turn it over seven times. All it took was one ho-hum interception returned for a TD. And I won't even get started on his cheap shots at Brady and Belichick.

But seriously, can everyone stop acting like Tony Dungy is such a fucking saint? (Ha, saint, Saints. Take that you fucker!) I actually kind of like that Dungy seems to have lost his mind with this interview. Makes him seem like an actual human being instead of the humanity robot that everyone makes him out to be. Look, people of the media, Tony Dungy is just as much of an asshole as every other coach in the NFL. Sure, he puts up a nice facade and speaks softly and hypnotizes you and all that bullshit but deep down he's an asshole like everyone else. Everyone talks about Dungy's faith and that he's almost like a preacher and shit but I really don't buy it. I hate to go down this road, and I mean no disrespect to the deceased, but his son fucking killed himself. Everyone talks about Dungy's influence on Mike Vick and everyone else but conveniently forgets about the fact that his own child took his own life. It's tragically sad and it's not that I want it brought up on national TV or anything, but it shouldn't just be forgotten that the saint and father figure of the NFL didn't even take care of his own son.

Now I feel dirty, let's move on.

3. Everyone who hyped up the Tim Tebow "anti-abortion" ad
Seriously? That was it? I was all fucking fired up to be outraged and then they hit us with this bullshit? Fuck that.

What a piece of shit commercial. Speaking of commercials....

4. Anyone at the party discussing the commercials for more than 2 seconds
Courtesy of D. Chuck:

A big hearty fuck you to people who spend more than one second talking about Super Bowl commercials. Jesus living fuck people, they're fucking commercials. Digest them for the 30 seconds that they're on, laugh if they're funny, consider buying the product if you find said product intriguing, or tell everyone in the room that the commercial sucked, and then move on. But you know who's even worse than the people who limit their fucking idiocy to merely talking about the goddamn commercials? People who insist on writing a wrap-up newspaper or internet column rating the fucking commercials during the Super Bowl. My fucking rageahol is off the damn charts with these fucking idiots. We don't need a column ranking the top 5 and bottom 5 commercials. We don't need a column with a fucking grading system for the commercials. We don't need any sort of hackneyed, lazy "thumbs up/down" bullshit. People - and I cannot stress this enough - there's a FUCKING FOOTBALL GAME GOING ON. Enough with the goddamn hoopla about the commercials! Fuck!

Rageahol. I like that. But he's right, the commercials are a fucking afterthought. I blame the late '80s and entire '90s for all this commotion about the commercials. A lot of people have brought this up recently, but for a long time, the Super Bowl fucking sucked. With the exception of Joe Montana driving the length of the field against the Bengals (isn't it bizarre to think fo the Bengals being in a Super Bowl?) and the Scott Norwood Wide Right game, every Super Bowl was a fucking blow out. Thus, the commercials became essential to the appeal of the broadcast. And before we knew it, that shit got out of control. Now that we actually have good games the commercials don't matter as much, but that doesn't stop the pseudo-fans (men and women) from ignoring the game to yap about the commercials. Shut the fuck up, dipshits.

5. My back
Seriously, fuck you, Back. Just because I'm overweight and out of shape that doesn't give you the right to just quit on me. Fucking asshole. By the way, those muscle relaxants I got? Fucking amazing. I slept like a god damn baby last night. The only downside is the wicked cotton mouth. How much water do I have to drink to make that shit go away? Fuck!

MMFU: Postponed!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Mon, 08 Feb 2010 17:04:00 +0000

Yesterday at around 10:30am I started making my world famous chili. Part of this involves chopping up an onion. So, chop, chop, chop, whoops, a little bit fell on the floor, let me pick it up.

/bends over to pick it up
/almost passes out from searing back pain

Holy fucking shit! My entire left side, starting from my mid to lower back, all the way down my left leg just screamed in fucking pain. I seriously almost fell down it hurt so bad. I stood back up and the pain continued. Take a step, pain. Stand there, pain. Sit down, pain. Try to bend over, not a fucking chance in hell. Wifey asked if I wanted her to finish getting the chili ready. I told her to get the fuck away from my chili, finished everything, turned the slow cooker on, then collapsed on the couch like a little bitch, where I pretty much stayed the entire rest of the day because doing anything other than lying prone fucking killed me.

This morning it wasn't much better so I dragged my ass to the doctor where they told me I have a strained lumbar. Great. Whatever, at least they gave me painkillers, which I'm about to gobble and then pass out in bed.

So since just sitting here typing right now makes it feel like a railroad spike is being driven into my left asscheek you're going to have to wait until tomorrow to hear my joyous ranting about Peyton's demise, Tony Dungy, the Tebow ad, and a special guest rant from D. Chuck. See you tomorrow, folks. I'm off to spend the rest of my day in a codeine-fueled haze.

NFL Picks O' The Week: Super Bowl!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Fri, 05 Feb 2010 14:19:00 +0000

It's Super Bowl time, my little bitches! And for the first time in 3 years, I'm actually going to get to watch the entire game at home, on my couch, the way it's fucking supposed to be.

Two years ago I was about 5 months into a new job and the week before the Super Bowl the bosses decided to send me on travel. Just for a week, fine, I'll be back on Saturday. The week was going by just fine, until Thursday, when I got The Call.

"Hey, we're gonna need you to stay out there next week, too."

Um, ok, can I fly home for the weekend? No. But it's the Super Bowl! The Pats are going for 19-0! Sorry, Mark, you're officially fucked. I tried to make the best of it. I bought a case of beer and bottle of champagne to drink during and after the game. I had packed my jersey juuuuuust in case this exact fucked scenario actually played out. My hotel room actually had an HDTV in it. I suppose it could have been worse.

And then, the fucking game happened. Ugh. Let's just move on.

Last year a friend of Wifey's was having a Super Bowl party, and since that friend's grandma or someone had just died and Wifey hadn't had a chance to see her yet, we had to go. Fine. We got there and the first thing I noticed was that someone had made chili that was clearly inferior to the chili I had cooking at home. Step up your fucking chili game, people. I'm the fucking Pope of Chili Town and this was some weak ass excuse for chili.

Since the game hadn't started yet and I had zero interest in talking to anyone at this party, I went to pet the dog. The dog, a boxer, was in the other room locked in its crate. And this is something I will fucking never understand about some people; why the fuck do people lock their dogs in the crate when they have company over? It drives me fucking crazy. I am never going to do that when I get a dog. Not a dog person? Then get the fuck out of my house! Oh did the dog knock something over and spill shit? Well the kids and drunk people are gonna do that anyway so what's the difference?

Anyway, so I go and sit next to the crate and pet the dog through the prison bars for a second and then I was like fuck it, and I opened the door to the crate, positioning myself so that I was pretty much blocking any escape. The dog sat there happily for like a minute while I petted it, but then I let my guard down and glanced into the other room to see where Wifey was. BOOM! That animal came busting out like a bat out of hell, knocking me on my back and charging into the party to fucking wreak havoc. Just started sprinting around, jumping on people, all that shit. It was great. Eventually the owners got the dog back in the crate and I fake apologized. We stayed for the first quarter and then headed home. I turned on the tv just in time to see James Harrison's interception return. And since the game sucked donkey dick in the 3rd quarter, I was actually in bed watching the non-HDTV when all of the awesomeness happened. Oh well.

But this year! This year I'm not going fucking anywhere. I'm gonna make my kick ass chili, drink some beer, and park my ass on the couch for the entire game. Wifey is talking about having some friends over and that's fine. Do whatever you want, lady. I'm eating my chili and watching football and that's all I give a shit about.

On to the game!

Indianapolis (-5) over New Orleans

God I would love to take the Saints. I'm fucking praying that they pull off the upset. But really, I just don't think it's going to happen. Peyton Manning is just too good. He's been playing out of his mind all season and he just seems to have a robotic, Terminator-like focus right now. I had a friend over to watch the AFC championship and with the Jets leading 17-6 just before the half I said to him, "It pisses me off that we're like 3 plays away from it being 17-13." Well, it took 4 plays, but that's the amazing thing about Manning; it's practically expected that he's going to make a couple deep throws and bury the dagger of a TD into your chest on every drive. It's fucking annoying.

I also don't think that Dwight Freeney's absence is going to mean shit. I just get the feeling that after the game, Berman and all the other talking dipshits are gonna be saying shit like, "And you never would have even noticed that Dwight Freeney didn't play!" I have no explanation for this other than I know we'll be hearing something like that after the game. So there.

Our only hope here is the Football Gods. Do they remember the Colts tanking like a bunch of pussies in Weeks 16 and 17? Do they realize what an enormous piece of whiny shit Bill Polian is? Do they know that the pussification of the game, penalizing the defense for everything, started with the Colts? Do they see the jackassery of Bill Polian claiming his team doesn't care about records or milestones but then making every effort to get Reggie Wayne and Dallas Clark 100 catches for the season in Week 17? Of course not. The Football Gods don't exist. If they did, the Jets would have beaten the Colts 2 weeks ago after the Colts let them into the playoffs.

Colts 38, Saints 27 with Manning as MVP. Maybe he'll actually deserve it this time.

Monday Morning Eff You: February 1, 2010

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Sat, 30 Jan 2010 14:58:00 +0000

Well, not the most exciting weekend, but we'll see what kind of hate and anger I can muster up. Let's do this!

1. The Pro Bowl
Everyone knows that the Pro Bowl is the fucking worst. The players don't give a shit. The fans don't give a shit. They have stupid pussy rules on defense, even worse than the pussy rules they put on defenses in real games. And this year, they moved it from Hawaii to the Super Bowl site and played it the week before the Super Bowl.

Now, I admit, I originally thought this was a good idea. You see, I WANT to like the Pro Bowl. I mean, it IS football, or at least it kind of is. And I always thought the biggest problem with having after the Super Bowl was that as soon as the SB is over, I'm fucking done. I've peaked, climaxed, blown my load, I'm just fucking done. And the thought of watching a game with practice squad intensity just didn't appeal to me at all. That's not the last image of football that I want heading into the interminable offseason.

So hey, move it to before the big game and even though it's the same shitty football, who gives a shit there's still the Super Bowl next weekend! Well, I was wrong. Although I watched more of the game than I have in god knows how long, it still fucking sucks. In fact, moving the game to before the SB took out the only good part about the Pro Bowl, all the stupid skills challenges and shit like that that you could catch on ESPN2 or NFL Network or whatever. That's some good mindless entertainment and unless I just missed it all week there was none of that.

So fuck off, NFL, and move the Pro Bowl back to Hawaii and give me my skills competitions. Of course, that isn't going to happen since ratings went up big time for last night's game. Fuck.

2. The Boston Celtics
Man, talk about a shitty 3-game stretch, ending in a complete 4th quarter collapse against fucking Kobe and the Lakers yesterday. Ok, so losing to the Magic, Hawks, and Lakers isn't the worst thing in the world, but the team's play and health are concerning to say the least. The good news is that it's before the all-star break and there is plenty of time to rest guys, get them healthy, and get ready for a playoff run that will only feature one round of home court advantage. The bad news is that it's before the all-star break and we have to listen to Bill Simmons whine and cry like an entitled douchebag for another 4 months. Speaking of The Sports Guy...

3. Bill Simmons
Oh, you're ready for the 2011 lockout? Newsflash, dickhead, all it takes for you to experience a lockout is for you to stop following the team. Jesus christ I've never seen anyone whine so much about a team that is 29-16. Yes, there are concerns, but not every team is going to go wire to wire as the favorite to win the championship. Simmons always claims to be the ultimate fan, always supporting the team and whatever, but at the slightest sign of imperfection he writes everything off and uses hindsight to talk about the moves the team should have made. See: Pats should have drafted Shonne Greene. It's fucking annoying. And this is from the guy who wouldn't shut the fuck up about the so-called 5-year grace period. Well the C's are in Year 2, cock.

And really? You're ready for pitchers and catchers? Because this Red Sox season is sure to be a smooth ride to an AL East title from start to finish, right? Team is stacked from top to bottom. We're talking 110 wins, EASY! It's gonna be a looooong summer reading this douchebag complain about ANOTHER team in its 5-year grace period.

4. BoozeRob
Oooooooooh, look at meeee!! I just got a 55-inch Samsung LED TV! It's so thin and sexy and the picture is amazing! Memememememeeeeeeeee! Lucky bastard.

/stares at 52-inch Samsung LCD TV with contempt

5. Target
Fuck you, Target. Your website fucking sucks and it's a pain in the balls to do baby registry stuff there. That means I actually have to go to your fucking store and zap shit that's in the store, but not on the website. How the FUCK do you not have the diaper genie online? Baby Mark Show is gonna fucking NEED that! You're fucking worthless. I'm thiiiiiis close to switching to Babies R Us. Fucks.

Speaking of Baby Mark Show, we're 3 months and 5 days from the due date. Oh wait, it's actually less than that because February isn't a real month! Ho. Ly. Shitballs.

Dorn of the Week: Jim Nantz

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 23:07:00 +0000

Hey everybody, it's fucking Jim Nantz as our Dorn of the Week! Mike Greenberg was the leader in the clubhouse for his "Martin Luther Coon" slip-up early in the week, but quite frankly, that's not the first time anyone's slipped like that and really, are we supposed to believe the Greeny is a racist? I don't think so.

But why Jim Nantz, you ask? Well, we've got two reasons for you. First of all, we all know that Nantz is somewhat famous for coming up with cheesy lines to punctuate a championship or Masters win or whatever. Some stupid pun or analogy that your average dipshit viewer can understand. "Rock. Chalk. Championship." comes to mind most recently after Kansas won the NCAA Tournament a few years ago. So that's all well and good, but this Sunday, after the Colts had won the AFC championship, Nantz served up this gem of fucktardery:

As smooth and as sweet as custard, Peyton Manning and the Colts patiently figured it out.

What?? Custard? Fucking CUSTARD? Did that smug piece of shit really just compare Peyton Manning to custard? At first I thought I was just hearing things but then a text from a buddy confirmed it. Jesus christ, Nantz. What the fuck?

And then there's this...Jim Nantz expressing his love for the Jonas brothers and claiming they will be biggest thing since the Beatles:

Ho-ly shit. First of all, I fucking hate Imus, but god bless him for just flat out saying the Jonas Brothers suck. I mean, I like all kinds of shitty music, I'll blast Miley Cyrus all fucking day, but I draw the line with those 3 little fuckstains. I love that Nantz immediately shifts gears and tries to say he only went to the FOUR concerts because of his daughter. I'm calling bullshit on that one. Nantz is such a fucking creep that it wouldn't shock me if he were a secret pedophile. He just gives off that vibe sometimes.

So there you have it, welcome to exclusive Dorn club, Jimmy boy!

Monday Morning Eff You: January 25, 2010 - The Thank You Edition!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Mon, 25 Jan 2010 23:03:00 +0000

We're doing things a little bit different today here in MMFU. Today it's all about saying thank you, because that was a pretty damn great day of football yesterday. Wanna fight about it?

1. Thank You Brett Favre
Holy fucking shit was that fucking great or was it so fucking awesomely great that it can barely be put in to words?!? The only way that could have been better is if Tracy Porter had taken that interception to the house to end the game, if only to save us from the bitching about the NFL's OT rules.

I'll be honest, I was starting to get worried on that final drive. Can you imagine if the Vikings hadn't completely shit the bed and actually gotten into field goal range and kicked the game winner. The "Favre is a warrior" stories would have broken the internet. I mean, the Saints were fucking PUMMELING him. And yeah, he played up the ankle injury because he's a manipulative piece of shit attention whore, but still, he was getting the fucking shit kicked out of him.

But deep down I knew, we all did, as soon as that play broke down you could just feel it coming. And then BAM! Picked off! I didn't even realize it, but I was cackling like a fucking hyena so loud that Wifey, who was in bed 2 rooms away, texted me asking "What's so funny?" I honestly had no idea I was even laughing. I was just in a state of euphoria. God it was fucking great.

2. Thank You Tom Jackson
We all knew that the media would immediately begin to protect Favre, especially the likes of Chris Berman and Peter King (NO ONE GIVES A FLYING FUCK ABOUT FAVRE'S DAUGHTER!), but then out of nowhere comes Tom Jackson with possibly the funniest quote of all time:

That's the thing about Brett Favre; he's not afraid to throw an interception. It's one of the things I admire about him.

Excuse me, but...AAAAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Jesus fucking Christ how can someone say that with a straight face? And no one the ESPN crew even blinked. Can you imagine if someone defended anyone else that way? Tony Romo? Jake Delhomme? Jamarcus Russell? They'd probably be fired on the fucking spot. But with Favre? Everyone just nods in agreement. Fucking Favre. What a cock.

But TJ's right, Favre certainly isn't afraid to throw an interception. Especially one that ends his team's season, which he's done for the last three years. How awesome is that? The last pass Favre has thrown in each of the last three seasons has been an interception to crush his team's dreams. It's downright poetic.

Also, TJ's quote kicked off an awesome Twitter trend led by Will Leitch. Check it out for some laughs.

3. Thank You Garrett Hartley
Finally! A kicker with some fucking gonads nails one in the playoffs! When he lined up for the kick and FOX showed that angle from behind the kicker that makes the goal posts look a million miles away MY heart started pounding. I can't even imagine what that was like for the 23-year old who took over midseason from John Carney. And he fucking striped it right down the fucking middle. Well done, kid.

4. Thank You Peyton Manning
Hold on, I just puked all over myself.

Ok, cleaned that up, fucking disgusting. But anyway, so long, New York Jets! In my post on Sunday I said that I'd be rooting for the Colts but the second the game started I just couldn't do it. So I sat back and just enjoyed the game, being happy about whichever team was losing at the moment. It's an interesting way to watch a football game, that's for sure. But in the end, I'm happy the Jets are gone. And I'm even happier that my friends living in New York don't have to deal with the aftermath of the Jets making the Super Bowl.

5. Thank You Everyone Who Played On Sunday
After a pretty shitty run of playoff games, we finally got a day of games worth watching. And I watched every second, at least when I wasn't on the shitter, stupid stomach. Let's all enjoy it until next Monday when the MMFU returns with a fucking vengeance after what is sure to be the worst Pro Bowl ever. And that's saying something.

NFL Picks O' The Week: Championship Games!

noreply@blogger.com (The Mark Show) — Sun, 24 Jan 2010 16:02:00 +0000

Holy shitballs it's Sunday morning and I haven't done my NFL post yet! Fuck me! Alright so let's get right to the games...

INDIANAPOLIS (-7.5) over New York Jets
We could easily change this line to SATAN (-1 GAZILLION) over My Soul. I'm still in shock that the two teams I hate the most in the fucking world are squaring off with a Super Bowl appearance on the line. If there were a god, which this game clearly illustrates there is not, the Jets would win this game. The ironing of the Colts laying down and allowing the Jets into the playoffs only to see the Jets come back and beat them would be delicious. De-li-cious. Unfortunately I don't think it's going to happen.

But more importantly, who would I rather see win this game? Well, neither team, obviously, but if you put a gun to my head and made me choose, I think I'd have to say the Colts. If Manning didn't already have a Super Bowl it would be Jets all the way, or if the Colts weren't complete pussies and were actually undefeated right now. But as it sits now, another Manning Super Bowl win doesn't really bother me that much. He'll still have fewer than Brady, and obviously nothing changes with all of his MVPs and stats and all that bullshit. Whatever.

But the Jets? Oh fucking mercy. We all know their fans are complete and utter fucktards as is, but can you imagine what it would be like if they win a Super Bowl? (Yes, I know, Boston fans are obnoxious. Point taken) Not only that, but a New York win would also bring out every piece of shit fuckhead that roots for whatever New York team happens to be winning at the moment. Jesus christ I fucking hate people like that.

Put it this way, the Colts are gonorrhea and the Jets are herpes. At some point, Peyton Manning is going to retire and the Colts will return to sucking. Eventually, they're going away, just like gonorrhea once you get a shot or take whatever you take to get rid of it. But the Jets? They're in the division, they're here for fucking over. Sure, they may not always be a factor, but every once in a while there's an outbreak and it's the worst thing ever. God I fucking hate the Jets. So there you go, I'm taking gonorrhea over herpes and that's that. Fucking shit.

(Note: all STD knowledge obtained from tv commercials and Eddie Murphy's Delirious)

NEW ORLEANS (-4) over Minnesota
This is it, people. It's going to happen. It's got to happen. It BETTER fucking happen! This is the game where Brett Favre is going fuck the Vikings in the ass. I can feel it in my bones. Oh sure, he said on NFL Live or whatever show that he knows that if the Saints get a couple quick scores that he has to remain patient but we all know the truth about that fucktaster. The Gunslinger is still alive and just waiting to rear it's glorious head at just the right moment to crush the dreams of Vikings fans everywhere. And I'm going to love it. Fucking LOVE it.

The Saints have to win this game. They just do. For the love of all that is holy. Please, New Orleans, save us from two weeks of nonstop Favre. Yes, the Hurricane Katrina storyline is overplayed and annoying, but it's nothing compared to Favre. Fucking. Go. Saints.

Dorn of the Week: Lane Kiffin

noreply@blogger.com (BoozeRob) — Wed, 20 Jan 2010 16:36:00 +0000

Wow what a doozy this week for our Dorn of the Week. ~~This week~~ Two weeks ago Lane Kiffin became College Football's biggest asshole by spurning the Tennessee Volunteers after just one season to move to take over the position vacated by Pete Carroll at Southern Cal.

As Knoxville got wind of Kiffin's betrayal, the campus exploded into a fucking riot. Literally. Don't believe me? Well check out the Twitter account of Tennessee hoop's player Renaldo Woolridge, aka SwiperBoy. Woolridge was the eye's on the ground as he had a view of the madness from out side his window.

just started an "F U KIFFIN" chant....CRAZYY!! 7:34 PM Jan 12th from mobile web

THEY JUST TEAR GASSED EVERY1!!! 7:35 PM Jan 12th from mobile web

WOW he just left they chased his car down the street!!! 7:50 PM Jan 12th from mobile web

YEA they TEAR GASSED ppl OUTSIDE...idk how that worked but ppl moved!! 8:13 PM Jan 12th from mobile web

And of course, leave it to YouTube to provide us with some amateur video of the chaos outside the UT football complex:

Fucking crazy right? What's even crazier about the whole situation was Lane's farewell press conference. This mother fucker had the balls to demand that the media did not carry it live. On top of that, he refused to take any questions about his abrupt abandonment of the UT program.

And While all of this was going on, Ed Ogeron was in the back trying to fuck the Vol's in the ass one last time:

So why the hell would a university facing NCAA sanctions do to past misfortune take a chance on guy with literally no integrity?Arrogance? Stupidity? Who knows....

One thing is for sure, the rest of the Pac 10 can't wait for Lane's next fuck up and the black cloud of sanctions to finally settle over Southern Cal.