One Quantum Leap At A Time

Decisions with Dignity

2014-03-18T22:42:00.001-07:00

I’ve got a lot on my mind. On one hand I want to say that I’ve had a tough last year, but on the other hand I want to say that I have been so blessed by the struggles of this last year because I am such a stronger person today than I was a year ago. I may complain about my job, but it has given me so much insight to how the world works and how people are and which people have good life balance and which ones don’t. I know more than ever what I want for the rest of my life and yet there are still so many possibilities to fill into all of the details of it. Regardless, I think a lot about how my dad might think and feel about the decisions I am making.

I know that in my life I have made a lot of mistakes, but I also would not be the person I am today if I did not have them. I grow with each new struggle. I put a lot of trust in situations and just hope for the best with many of them. I look at every situation and over-analyze the crap out of it, because I like to be prepared for any possible outcome. I can feel that I am within the critical years of my life where I really define who I am by the choices I make that I will base the rest of my life around. And, I know I am on the right track.

I once had the most amazing connection with a man who told me straight to my face, and shocked me because of how well our lives seem to connect on so many different levels, “Sara, I feel like I may hold you back if this continues. … I feel you will find someone better out there for you than me.” Despite how wonderful I know this person is, I know, too, that he spoke truth that day. I have so much more potential and desire for more than what he could offer me in this lifetime of mine. I still see that potential and desire as fluid and constantly changing, so I don’t know where I want to end up. I do know that when I feel like something is right or wrong I follow that feeling, and I am so glad that others in my life have been capable to share when they too felt that I deserve more or at least something different than what they were able to offer me.

I want so much more for myself. My favorite speaker once said, “I will not let you play ‘follow the guru.’ I will lead you to me, and you will be lost.” I have felt a bit lost recently, though I don’t know whose path I may have been following. I’m also tired, and I want that to end. I have a friend who tells me that if I am not getting at least seven hours of sleep than it’s not really worth going to bed, or something like that. That makes me smile at this hour, since I will not be getting seven hours of sleep and it’s something I need to work harder at accomplishing, going to bed at a decent hour. It is just one of the many things that would make my life more picture-perfect.

I must sleep. Sweet dreams.

"Be A Champion"

2014-01-18T13:41:00.002-08:00

I am loving the song "Hall of Fame" by The Script, and I have been focusing on my big dream s. It's amazing what I've been able to accomplish the last couple weeks since I've been able to get more sleep at night. Scarier yet, I've been having the most amazing dreams at night as well. I don't know how long it has been since I have had such real dreams daily. It's been almost difficult to realize what world is real and which is my dream world. My actual dreams here on Earth have a lot more to do with my fitness and future family goals than anything, and I have begun to get back into my training so I may be a champion for my future family.

I often wonder what my dad may think about where I am in life. I absolutely have his work ethic, but I seem to burn myself out often with my inability to slow down when I need it most. He seemed to fight with everything he had for his family as well. I wonder what he would think about the people who have had the most influence in my life since he left his body. I wonder what he would think about the lifestyle I have embraced. I wonder what he would say about the boys I have dated and what advice he may give me about finding a best friend in a man, a man I could marry. I appreciate when my mom says to me, "your dad would be very proud of you;" it brings me to tears when she gives her support and includes my dad with it. I wish I had more positive people in my life right now to bring me confirmation.

It's hard for me to work at my job because I am bored with it, tired of the same thing every different day, and disgusted with the people who work for the company and are complacent with their mediocre positions and lifestyles and do not see that they have so much more potential than where they currently are in this world. It's exhausting to be so positive around such negative energy. I need change.

Here's to raising the bar[bell] and making changes.

"Shines on Me, Shines on You"

2013-10-04T17:58:00.000-07:00

I'm happy, but I am also scared. I'm anxious for what is coming next in my life. Work has been great, and my reputation stands strong within my market and regional leadership. My personal life is getting better and better every day. What a difference a year makes! Ha ha. My schooling for physical therapy is just ahead of me, and I cannot wait to dive deep into my observational hours this next year. I am so lucky to have the life I live! I am excited to see the progress the next year will bring!

It's still a very difficult time of the year for me. I probably repeat myself on this topic with every recent post. The holidays are fast approaching, and I work in the retail industry. My schooling is getting deep into material. Add the two together and my spare time is next to none. I am doing my best to keep as balanced as possible, and I am so far exceeding. I am hoping the cold weather and snow take their time arriving. I would like to get through the rest of this year without any additional stress.

I'm not ready to reveal every detail that is going on in my world, but I can say that their is one specific person in this world who has been impacting my life recently in several subtle ways. [If you're reading this and you're this one person, hold me close and never let go.] It's as though my life's chemical makeup is experiencing plate tectonic movement, my thoughts and emotions are experiencing unfamiliar vibrations, and my world could at any moment encounter a rush of change. I doubt the changes in my world will be quite as extreme as a geomagnetic reversal, but it carries a similar level of impact in this short life of mine.

Now that I have successfully excited you with my science analogies, I would personally like a weekend just to lie under the stars and watch the world turn. I look forward to life slowing down next year so I may do exactly this! Less than 13 weeks to go!

"Perfect Timing"

2013-09-24T18:00:00.001-07:00

I've been feeling burnt out lately. Despite recently mentioning how I am loving my job more and more, I am in the busiest time of year and am having a hard time keeping up with all of the changes. It's nothing new; it happens every year. Still, in my position, the weight on my shoulders is heavy, and I would like to be able to have a clean desk again. The last two mornings I went in at 6 am to have some quiet time to get some important things caught up. I am going to try to only work a half day tomorrow, so I can relax before my evening college class exam.

I know my class is draining me, as I have not been adequately spending time outside of class to study the material. It's only one of many things I am trying to juggle in my mind, though, and it hasn't been anywhere near the top of my priority list. I am concerned about the first exam I have tomorrow. I know that the material only becomes more complex from here. I may have to cancel my fall drive up north to study. But, I feel that finding a quiet place to study away from my normal distractions may be more beneficial than my staying home to study; I'm not as motivated to study when there are so many other things that I'd rather give my attention to at home.

This last weekend, I had a visitor in town who received all my attention. Who knew how quickly a year could pass and then just a week almost on a whim could have a friend from far away sharing the weekend with me. I believe my friend and I had "perfect timing" in making this last weekend work, and I can only hope that this "perfect timing" continues into the future.

The Gift of Love

2013-09-13T21:22:00.000-07:00

I don't know exactly why today has been so emotionally difficult. Part of it may be that I had a long, hard week with work, college classes, friends, and family. Maybe it’s because I have a theoretical empty space in my heart, a feeling of not being completely whole. Perhaps it has everything to do with my thoughts about my goals for the next year. And, another part of my mind tells me it has something to do with choices I’ve made in the past and wondering today, with an effect like disrupting a still body of water while unintentionally kicking up the sand while walking through it, how relationships with my family may be different had certain things happened differently. I still know I’m right where I want to be, I’m simply impatient for what is to come. Still, today has been a tear-jerker of a day, and the fall weather is setting in too, which hasn’t helped cheer up the day.

I feel like in writing a few sentences, I may have answered my own question; maybe I know exactly why today has been difficult. Family and friends have been on vacation recently, and I have been tending to their usual needs while away. The tasks were nothing I couldn’t handle, and I was pleased to be able to help. Work is going well, and I tried to get caught up best I could. I’m still so far behind in getting donation processing completed, imaging paperwork copied and sent in, and I would have liked to have made more phone calls before my time was up today to get all of the hiring set up for next week. My boss likes to remind me that I am doing a great job, but I’m exhausted. And, I’m not just exhausted from work; college has me embracing organic chemistry with every spare moment I am willing to allow it. I need to remind myself I need more sleep so that I may better focus when I sit down to study. My friends have been great and are keeping me pumped up with the last few runs of the year coming quickly and also are slowly filling up my running calendar for next year. I am getting better, too, at sharing my feelings with my family and reminding them of the love and appreciation I have for them.

The theoretical empty space in my heart is really an overflowing desire to pour out more love and appreciation. I wish so badly that there was one person in my life that could say to me, “you’re worth everything.” I haven’t found that person, yet. My mother likes to remind me how I have so many [single male] friends. Yes, I do have them. But, despite frequent hopeful attempts and opening my world up to people, I haven’t found the open arms and strong emotional connection I desire. I was just told today, from one of the guys I went on a few dates with last year and am still friends with, that I’m intimidating. It made me chuckle; I’m not scary. I’m very soft and kind-hearted. My girlfriends laughed when one of them said to me “I can’t figure out what’s wrong with you,” in relation to me not having luck with men. I figure it’s the world’s way of saying that the man meant for me is still having work done in his heart and isn’t done “growing” yet. Or, maybe I’m not quite done “growing.”

I’ve come a long way since my days as a fearless high school graduate in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Today I watched “TheUltimate Gift,” a movie I watched years ago and recently read the sequel that was created into a movie as well that is just out in theaters. It’s a tear-jerker and made me think about things that I’ve done, about my life with my dad, about my relationships with my siblings, and about the distance between extended family members. We all seem to create our own families with the people we love around us, blood-relatives or not. I do my best to live in the moment with all of them. This can be difficult with my future-thinking as I move toward my dreams and also with my stresses and deadlines with work and college, but I feel good about my friendships and fearlessly living in the moments.

Another reason why I know I’m struggling now is because for more than five minutes I sat thinking about my life with suppressed fears surfacing; I have fears that I don’t communicate with my family or friends. I put on this happy face and remind myself to be strong every day. I am so grateful for all I have, and I hope that all of my dietary changes in the last few years allow me many, many more years to be grateful for. I remember going to the drive-ins during high school summer break and praying during the meteor shower, desiring more years for my dad even if it mean transferring some of what he was going through to me. But, any good-hearted person going through such a disease wouldn’t wish it upon even their worst enemy. And, writing it out helps me release these worries and stress. It would be a tragedy for me to leave this world without spreading the love and knowledge I have to more people!

WOOOooo!

[And, Sara is smiling again like usual.]

"How Country Feels" by Randy Houser

2013-09-05T19:03:00.000-07:00

Life.

I've kept myself busy, as usual, all summer training and studying, so much so that I'm not sure where the time went. Fall is now fast approaching, college classes have begun again, and the challenge of juggling all of my priorities once again brings stress into my life. My multi-dimensional world feels more like 2D than 3D now, as I rush from day to day to day just trying to keep up. But, please, do not feel sorry for me! I sure don't! Ha ha I've brought this all upon me and strive to conquer it all while maintaining some sort of balance so I may make all my dreams come true.

I'm enjoying my job more than ever. This says a lot because it's taken a long time to feel this comfortable doing what I do and having the team to support the store through all of its processes. I enjoy my boss, and he likes to remind me that I can have a great job without having to complete years and years and years and years of college. He just realized today that I am pursuing my doctorate degree. I do know, too, that he doesn't want me to leave for two years. And, two years is all he has left of me, at most. :)

Dating.

I haven't had much luck dating since I last made a post. I found a decent friend who humored me for a few months, but it was a bit sour from the get-go. Recently, I've had some good conversations and good dates but nothing that has really striked my fancy, nothing that really seemed right all-around. My recent dates have made me enjoy this song: "How Country Feels" by Randy Houser. I've been enjoying the end of summer with some beach dates with my shoes off and feet in the sand. It's hard to know where to go next when I haven't had the best of luck.

My closest mentor recommends that I begin attending yoga conferences, which is completely in alignment with where I see myself in the distant future. Beginning to take yoga classes and looking for a place where I may be able to study yoga for future teaching purposes my be next on my list. I wouldn't even be against working for a health club again. I do see myself being a 90 year old yoga instructor someday, and I wouldn't mind beginning that journey of greater health, balance, and flexibility sooner than later.

My mother had her own thoughts and recommendations this week and was very helpful when she confirmed my own thoughts, without me even suggesting what my own thoughts were first. In my current situation, I know what I want, I know how I want to be treated, and I know that I want someone in my life who wants to become a best friend, perhaps for life. I'm not interested in dating anyone who doesn't see me as a well enough fit to add me to their 'priority friends' list. But, being on that 'priority friends' list isn't enough. I like having certain things like physical activity level and diet in common with those I date. Commonalities help keep people together, just as taking a usual walk with my mom this week allowed us to communicate and improve our bond.

Friends.

This last year, I've seen large improvements in the number of women I have as friends, and the time I spend with them continues to grow. I've switched over to a mostly raw vegan diet, and I am seeking out more friendships with vegetarians and vegans, which is a bit hard in the smaller city I live within. I've suggested my interests in possibly transferring to work in another city to my boss, but I love me team and have great work relationships with all of them. I feel as though I am at that point in my life where anything could be possible, like I'm at an intersection with hundreds of possibilities as far as paths to choose from. And, isn't that life? The world may become smaller and smaller every day, but our possibilities are still endless. I'm at that point, but I do love the place I am at and all the friends I share my world with.

"Nothing Without You" by Bebo Norman

2012-07-22T10:53:00.001-07:00

There are reasons why the past is the in the past and the people who were in your past, and didn't keep up with you through and up to the present, should stay in the past.

"Stronger Than Ever, Can't Hold Me Down"

2012-02-11T20:54:00.000-08:00

I will not waste more time or resources. Every day that passes allows me to know and discover more of what I want, and what I don't want. I'm angry, and it's the fuel I need.

I don't know what else to say. I'm done.

Happy New Year: Starting Off Right

2011-12-31T10:22:00.000-08:00

It's going to be a good year. I'm looking forward to all the moving forward.

Brock! I love that you're just around the corner to post a comment, and I completely agree with you on the next year. I am so ready to be done with this one, even though the ending and changing of one number can create so many problems for me at my work. Ha. Life is on the up and up though! Health is good. Family is as crazy as ever. And, I have better things just ahead!

Last night I had one very neat and unique phone call for me, and little did I know that my financial Dave, no relation to Dave Ramsey, would have such an effect. I have waited for this. It is here. It is now. What do I do now? How soon may April come? I may be the most patient person I know, too.

Today looks like a perfect day for a bike ride and run. I have some cooking and cleaning to do, but I am fairly well prepared for the entering of a new year. Here's to it!

December.

2011-12-16T17:15:00.000-08:00

First full week at new job working and not training. I've had my handful of nightmares and am fighting off a cold. I hope my box of tissues lasts through the morning. I wish I had someone to bring me another carton of orange juice and some redbox movies.

I'm nervous about this next week, as each week my standards and requirements increase. I need to get rid of this cold to be on my best game come Monday. Monday mail and meetings, on top of the normal business of a Monday, sends my head spinning on overload. This is my last Monday to sit a bit on the sidelines; next week I take full charge.

But, besides not feeling well the last two days, I've felt great, and have been getting along well with my new short term goals to old aspirations. I'm going to bed for now, though; I just don't feel well today.

Happy holidays are coming fast! Enjoy them!

November.

2011-11-13T08:43:00.000-08:00

Good feelings. I earned the job. I bought the car. I even fixed the bike, maybe. It's a gorgeous day out, so I will have to see how well I did. There is still much to do, always.

I think I just ate my fourth banana for the day, and it's not even noon yet. My inspiration: Click Here!

Thanksgiving day is coming. I hope this warmer weather holds up. I'd like to get some more running in without putting the teeth on the bottom of my shoes!

October.

2011-10-17T08:13:00.000-07:00

So, I've been eating more raw the last couple months and just ran into this today while googling if I may eat okra raw:

http://www.stevepavlina.com/blog/2008/01/raw-food-diet-day-1/

Life is rather well, though I think I may be moving again rather soon. The winter weather is bound to hit soon, so a closer distance to work is highly desired. I love moving though! It gives me the opportunity to evaluate and discover all of the interesting things I have acquired and am still holding onto. Then, I am also allowed this great transition in which I can get rid of as many of those things as I want before hauling my two car loads from one place to the next. I'd really like to get it down to one car load before moving!

The search for another vehicle is in progress as well, though I'm in no immediate hurry at the moment. 2011 has been constant change and surprise-birthing growth. How about that! Thank goodness there are only a couple months left!

Big Sky Country Conversation

2011-08-15T10:10:00.000-07:00

If you're here reading this, you've either landed upon it from my body fitness site link, my facebook link, or have randomly by search engine for something that probably isn't here. If you're here from facebook and the big sky country, then you shouldn't be here. RATHER, you should be calling me or texting me even if I'm at work or sleeping or cleaning up poopy cat butts. This is my life right now, and, if you miss me, you should tell me.

Last night's conversation felt good, despite the fact of things being far from optimal in my family. I miss talking to you. I think I long missed talking to you, perhaps for many many months. Teleport. I could have used a hug. I could have used a really good haven't-seen-Sara-in-months kind of hug. I can play it strong, but I'm still at less than optimal myself. I am really sorry I am not better for you, or was better for you when we spent time together. But, last night sure was nice.

I still don't understand what happened. I wish I did. I had been so frustrated and angry trying to figure it out for so long, and then last night we spoke again. You don't have to check-in here. I hardly have the time or patience to write anymore, especially with limited internet and a failing computer. Just call me. Then teleport.

"Working On A Mystery"

2011-07-04T08:18:00.000-07:00

Someone, perhaps someones, from Grand Rapids is visiting my site, directly, more than I have the last couple days. That's almost creepy. Who are you?

I've been studying a lot lately, really getting into the nitty-gritty of what I can do to my diet and nutrition to really feel better. Sleep has definitely helped, but I've still been having my down days. I felt great last night at work and tested my blood pressure and heart rate. Heart rate was really relaxed for a night at work at 65 while I sat for only a moment. And, my blood pressure was something like 105/65. I always have really good blood pressure, but its that heart rate I struggle with. I think feeling fully rested after sleeping on and off all day really made the difference. But, I've been eating a lot better the last couple of days too.

I found NoMeatAthlete.com and feel like I've read from one page to the next for several hours over the last couple days. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to watch the "Earthlings" movie, as the trailer was enough to make me never want to eat meat again, but the information on the site certainly makes me want to work harder on my diet. We are what we eat. Our futures come from what we do today.

The future.

I've been living one day at a time, but I always find myself dating based on what I want for my future. It's lead me down the right path so far and keeps me close to the trail, so why should I quit? I hate dating. It's awful. I don't specifically like at this point in my life having someone around 24-7. Another reason, perhaps, that Oregon was so difficult for me. I'm not used to being around any one person! I need a best friend, though, if its ever to work; Oregon just wasn't that. And, yes, my progress is slow.

The list of things that I would love to do right now in my life is so extensive. I'm seriously thinking about what my brother said to me on one very inspiring and emotional night. He made a comment on my paintings that really touched my heart, and then went on to humor me with one sad looking stick figure. Ha. I may start painting again. It's one of those things that I can get very lost in, and I may just have luck with a piece or two in the future. It would entertain me through the tough days at least.

I'm going to have to get really tough with myself about my training schedules as well. I've nearly taped them to my forehead, but I haven't been resting and eating consistently and similarly have been falling off schedule. My friend Dan ensures me I probably needed the break, as I probably was taking on too much too fast. I should know better. Ha. I'm back to lifting the iron, which feels great. I'm still dealing with issues I'd rather be done with, but the process of finding a way to manage the syptoms has been more pleasant. I think I'm just about there; I just dislike how much time it takes to go the extra distance in preventing a bad day! Ha.

Keep up with me! I have a lot of things going on right now!

Angry at Great Falls

2011-06-27T08:16:00.000-07:00

So, I have my feedjit account that tells me who stops in to visit. The the night of June 20th Great Falls stopped in. Surprise. You, Great Falls, didn't read the one post about you that I deleted. I hope you don't think of me much longer. I don't know what it was that made you second guess everything and let me go. Craziness. I wish I knew better the details. I wanted you in my dream. I told my friend Nick about you yesterday, and his supportive self helped me through some of the issues that I had trouble with you.

Take nine eleven. Nick told me similarly how horrible it is that I would think so poorly about our country having involvement. But, when he also said how poorly some people choose to do their jobs to prevent such an event, then everything made more sense. I see how poorly people do their jobs everyday. I wish we wouldn't have fought over this. I hate to think that you may think poorly of me for thinking as I have.

I wanted to share things with you. Take running. I was always a runner. It helps my heart condition stay under control better than if I don't. I enjoy the alone time in the outdoors, in the rain especially and in sand. Hail and wind and cold water made Oregon's beach fun; that will always be a good memory. I wish I had been healthier and felt better. I wanted to run a marathon because I felt it would bring us together, give us a reason to celebrate. I want my dream more though. I need to move forward from here just for me. Looking at my marathon training schedule makes me think of you daily; I want to be able to let you go.

I think about you late at night at work when it is really slow. I think about whether I would still feel for you if you walked into the building at any moment looking for me. I know better. I don't know what I have to offer you. I'm not the right person for you at this point in my life. I have no money. And, I bet I was fairly depressing to hang out with in Oregon. I think if I saw you again I'd cry and tell you to leave me.

I need this, to be apart from you, to be able to focus more on me. And still, I questioned Nick about the helicopter pilots in Iraq. He told me you probably wouldn't be there long. He told me that things happen but rarely. It sounds like you'll be pretty safe over there. And, if not, Nick will come to find what's left of you, lol. I know that's not funny.

My mother is getting married in less than a month. I imagine my brother will in the next year. My sister did this year. My sister is going to give birth in a couple months. None of it really excites me. I am absolutely depressing. I am absolutely depressing. I'm sad. I cried again today while I wrote this. I'm angry you stopped by. I know its you. You come from Facebook. Who else would come directly?

And, to think I probably watched for you for a week or two as well. It's perfect that you waited. I'm still angry. Frustrated. Disappointed. But, I'll keep telling myself I'm over it. I've been getting a lot of support from everyone back home. I'm doing okay. I'll be okay, trust me. The doctors are taking great care of me.

A Little Bit of Love!

2011-06-15T09:29:00.000-07:00

[Thank you Shakira!]

I get to see my doctor next Tuesday. They found a location of mutation cells from all the tests they ran the day before I left for Oregon. It's kind of a relief, though it sucks still, that they found anything. This last year has been awful, really, for me. If nothing else, thank God for Drew to help keep me sane! I still wish that Oregon would have gone so much differently, but live and learn. Still, the doctors are telling me the area is precancerous but not to worry because they're going to get it out. And, that makes me feel so much better. Surgery then more testing after 3-4 months to determine whether I can rest easy and just deal with my digestive issues, lol, and that will be the end of it. Hopefully.

I have yet to understand how much time I should take off work, but at least the timing is right. My temptation rightfully refuses to tempt, the pilot is long gone, and I'm in this time of transition with just about everything. And, since I've been feeling really well and coming up healthy in all the tests, recovery should be simple. Maria brought home a 2011 daily sudoku calendar to keep my mind off everything, especially Oregon, and you can tell how well its been working, right? I love her for it! But, it is nice to feel like all the stress and pain my poor immune system (thank goodness it is strong) has been dealing with may have a better 2012. I am already looking forward to it!

I'm still dealing with the gastritis, and I struggled with it in Oregon a lot, especially since drinking a lot would have probably lightened the mood every day. We should have went to the bars daily; I'm just not that kind of person with the pain that alcohol can cause in my digestive system! Fudge, right! And, I am enjoying my caffeine in limited doses being back home, and it sure does help keep me in great spirits. I'm feeling really great though, continuously, and life is just getting better and better as I am getting past all the shit I've dealt with this last year. Conclusions brighten my mood these days! Whoo!

Today is a light running day, but I have yet to tackle it. I slept mostly through the night, a shocker being a third shifter, but I think I'll eat another meal, hit the weights on upper body and a lil' back, then run before late as the temperatures cool down outdoors and the caffeine in my system wears off. I've been feeling really strong. :D This world is in for it! Watch out! This gal is back! I only fear what my doctors are going to tell me as far as restrictions and recovery time. Will I be able to swim? Have a beer after work? Keep running on schedule? We will see!

Either way with it all... I am happy. I know I'm on the right path still. I feel like it is a clearer path as well. How can I really be this happy today? (!) :D Love you all.

Temptation and Family

2011-06-14T08:00:00.000-07:00

"An Ode To Maybe" ... It brings back my younger years like nothing else.

Training is going well. I am getting back to the weights, but I am also staying consistent with the running. I'm excited the direction this body I'm in is going. Especially since I may only have one or two more doctor visits this year before they clear me of the crud I've been dealing with. I'm off ALL medications this week. I'm hoping the pain stays at a minimum. I've been getting by really well.

My extended family has been amazing to me this past week, and I am so grateful! I keep running into more and more familiar faces, and the love they extend out to me in response to recent events is amazing. Losing my dad, to a bummer Europe trip, to seriously ill, to a bummer Oregon trip... A bit more theanine in my diet and I am good to go!

Oregon was interesting. It was the complete opposite of my European adventure, and it was far too much driving. The first two days were the best. The last couple were really tough. Walking around the park in Bend was pretty, but I felt eaten alive in conversation. And, when the tears started to fall, I was ready to leave that day. But, things got better that night with the run, and I guess I'm really just glad I made it out feeling good. It could've been a lot worse; I could have gotten sick. I know I felt really dizzy that last day. I hope skipping a meal was the cause. I can't worry about it; I survived.

Temptation. I need my best pal. The one I pushed back when I met Drew, hoping he'd be it. I need my laughing buddy. I need my law-breaking, crazy-talking, van-driving, cycle-correcting, Spanish-speaking, gypsy friend. I need my [using my best movie announcing voice] "the Separator" hero. I need our laughs and great company. I miss the many laughs of high quality realness! Bring 'em! I need my friend back!

I'm outta here. I have work to do!

"I Want To Fly Away"

2011-06-10T10:17:00.000-07:00

"I Want To Get Away"

So, everyone has been great at work. What a last couple days! From hugs from Marcia, Brad, Gary, etc..., the willing bodies from 2nd shift to take a road trip and offer to do damage (jokingly and lovingly), to the offers from the young guys in the back to take care of any of my needs. Ha. Seriously!

I need these two days away from work. Yet, here I sat trying to finish The Endurance before the library due date. With a 5pm appointment to check out a house and having had my first cup of coffee in a long time, I don't think I'll be sleeping til dark today. I postponed my run til tomorrow, due to today's rain. And, I think I'll attempt the 8.7 hilly miles tomorrow. I think I'm scheduled for a 90 minute run, but I know I'll probably be a bit over. We will see. The weather looks perfect after the rain clears tomorrow morning.

I tried working some of the knots out of my back with Ally's tennis ball, but I know I'm still due for a visit with Stephanie. It's on my long list of things to do. The docs didn't like what they found from the testing done the day before I left to see Drew. Another appointment will happen in the near future. Bummer on top of bummer. Maybe just one or two last visits? I'm still not planning on having the surgery they recommended last fall. Maybe down the road, but I'm maintaining everything rather well right now. I've been feeling really good compared to all the days in the last year.

This feeling good is awesome, and this next week shall be huge in my search and determination for new employment. It's been too long already. I'm fighting, and I want the next big promotion. It's mine. Mary even said last night how excited she is to have me as her protege. Game on. This race is mine! I shall not be disqualified! Hear me roar! I've had enough!

The Battle Continues...

2011-05-19T08:41:00.000-07:00

So, the day after my last post I had the privilege of crossing paths with two other employers of the company I want to get into. No way! I couldn't believe it, and I'm still so excited to see what comes.

With the good seems to come the bad, though. I'm keeping my head up, but my nightmare of seven years ago has dropped its bags on my doorstep, figuratively speaking. Doctor tests didn't come out as well as I hoped, and more appointments are on their way. Bummer. The next one is this next Tuesday, just around the corner. I'm pissed, literally and thoroughly furious with this bit of information. I'm also scared, but not nearly as much as I am angry and disappointed with the results.

In better news, I had a call come this morning from my wellness coach Holly. She humored me with similarities that we share, as well as clear acknowledgment on how well I do live my life. She's more interested in talking about my marathon training because the rest of my life I handle rather well for where I'm at. I didn't share with her my nightmare in progress. I didn't share to her how off I feel my body is from a year and a half ago. I know how to live healthy, but I also like being checked in on. Holly brightens my day because we are two strong women who know how to battle the days one by one as they come.

One day at a time! I'm tired of doctors! I'm hoping this will take care of some of the pain I've been having over the last year, as if they just missed this through ALL of the tests I had. I want my life back to the full capacity! I've been running and working out, but there are still my tough moments physically that I have to battle like hell through. I want to be rid of all the pain already! But for now, I continue to battle each day one at a time.

Keep strong with me! This time next week I will be with Drew! Ahh... I am so excited!

THIS IS IT!

2011-05-16T06:11:00.000-07:00

I had one of those "it all comes down to this, does it?" moments already today, and it's only 8:45am. I scheduled a meeting with a former coworker at my former employment to drop something off to her. Little did I know how weird and also how normal it felt to be there again amongst all the people that I had developed great friendships with over nearly four years. It was hard to be there, getting hugs from people I had left without them knowing now where I was. And then, there was the one person who I had only dreamed to pass in such a scenario.

Never would I have guessed that the simple chat in talking as we passed by would lead to him extending a hand to help me pursue this position I was hoping to talk to him about at his work. God's got his hand on me. [SCORE!] Now, the ball's in my court to reconnect, send out my resume once again, and hope for the best! I feel like this could really be it!

If it weren't for Drew I probably would believe that I could do this. This is so me! And, Drew wants free shoes! Ha.

I've Been Pissed Lately

2011-05-15T12:17:00.000-07:00

Rarrr! Hear me bleed bloody words out of my mouth! Rarr!

I finally felt like myself and was actually tempted to go shopping, but I resisted. Instead..., I had an awesome day of "cooking." I wish I had taken pictures of my progress. I started at about 3am working on baking the chickpeas and later on just before noon steamed up some veggies . I was hoping to get a good run in, but I opted out; I had considered biking the length instead too. But, the weather was cold, rainy, and windy this morning, and I do not want to challenge my immune system against a cold right now.

...

Yesterday night, I made a snack hoping that tahini, honey, and cocoa would taste like a nice fudge. I was greatly disappointed, but when I exchange the tahini for almond butter and add a little, little bit of water... wahla! Brilliant with slices of banana! LOVE!

I love food. I also discovered my love for the jicama root, which comes from Mexico and is part of the pea family. It looks on the inside like a white potato but can be eaten raw, which I absolutely love, and tastes just like sweet peas. I'm sure I've eaten more than half of the thing that was bigger than my two fists put together.

I'm feeling really good right now and am nearing a bit of tiredness. I guess I should get ready for a nap before the kids get home early with miss thang whiny dog... since their ball game for today was canceled. Bummer.

I'm Sad, Lonely, and Depressing.

2011-05-10T07:41:00.001-07:00

I like third shifts because I can manage myself. I also like them because I have, at least currently, Marcia, who is like a personal therapist. For all the people I come across who I find I have a hard time relating to, she puts everything into perspective and tells me exactly how it is. It helps me not feel alone. On third shifts with Marcia, I feel good about myself and the fight I've been giving.

My life surrounds the life of my dad, and the fight he gave. When I'm alone, I cry a lot of tears while thinking of my dad. I'm sure it would kill my dad worse to see me sad and upset, but sometimes it's the only place I can hide for a while to charge my damn, stubborn, Zimmerman, Energizer batteries that I run my life on. I used to drown myself in work, but it was honest to God killing me internally.

Surviving Yesterday

2011-05-07T22:49:00.000-07:00

I hadn't slept well yesterday morning or the previous evening for that matter. I knew I wanted to get my hour run in, and I did successfully complete it. The sun was out as I ran and the temperatures only rose. I knew I was overdressed half way through. I feared I hadn't eaten enough the night before or may have been a bit dehydrated. Immediately after I took in fluids, a bit of food, and went to bed only to lie there eyes wide open.

So, I got up and left the house to meet my sister for lunch. I knew I was tired. I felt nauseous. I was far too warm. I wondered if I had reached the point of heatstroke. The symptoms are always the same though, and the nausea is common for me with all the struggling I went through last year with the doctors and no solutions found. I took my whole lunch home, only a few bites taken out of it, drove home alright, and tried my best to sleep.

I don't know that I've ever slept worse. I was miserable. I tossed and turned. I know some of it was exhaustion both physically and mentally. I know some of it could be anxiety from looking for places to move into. I've felt great lately, so this absolutely sucked. I do not want to find myself back where I was last year. I've done my best to fight my way back. Maybe I was deficient in a vitamin or mineral; I've been forgetting to take my dailies. I took a B12, finally took in some food, and tried again at the sleeping thing. Eventually I got it and just woke around 1am, but this was awful.

I'm feeling chills now, so at least I know my body temperature is down. I think I need to watch the heart rate while I run more than I had today, but that's absolutely frustrating. I just want this body to work more like it used to. Looks like I'll try running my week three training over again, and see how another hour at the end of this next week works out for me.

"Walked Upon The Raging Sea" Part 2

2011-04-17T20:47:00.000-07:00

Well, two nights on 3rds last week, and they both went really well. I felt like the second night went better, but I did have less busy work that night as well. Boss lady says she'll let me have full-time on 3rds once the lady I am replacing leaves. Yay! This is demotion I've been waiting for! Ha. I love how calm the work is and hope I can catch on better to all the little things that require our attention at night and the general order of things. Only two weeks of scattered shifts! 3rds here I come!

I've been having trouble sleeping at night since I switched myself around the first night. I find that I get a lot more done at night without the distractions of the day. And, I also find that I don't much mind sleeping during the day, though I may find summer months hard... not wanting to miss any of the day! Anyway, I am excited for this change, and I will be adding school on top of that once late August comes. I know the possibilities that this may be exhausting, and I may have to go back to working short 1st/2nd shifts. But, I am hoping this whole summer will allow me to adjust like I need to for the few morning classes I plan on taking.

I've been looking at a few colleges thus far to compare the classes I need yet for entrance into doctorate physical therapy programs. The four main classes I need are two physics, one additional biology, and possibly one more chemistry. Why do they have to be all lab classes? Ha. Two in the fall, two in the winter, experience in the summer... maybe even a job as a tech or secretary... even if it is in another state... and maybe two years before actually starting the program? Is that too long from now? I really would like to have more money in the bank before I jump into my three dedicated years of physical therapy school. I'm focusing on these first four classes first!

Then I come to the question of whether I should find a better job now and just take one class at a time, though half time would defer the loans I already am paying on. My brother says yes, but I'm mentally exhausted and simply want to focus on one thing right now and not so much a new job. But, I have still been applying, so we will have to wait and see. I just need 3rds to keep me away from people for a while. ;)

"Walked Upon The Raging Sea" Part 1

2011-04-13T17:42:00.000-07:00

Went running tonight following week one's first of four runs from the Personal Running Trainer 16 weeks audio training program to run a marathon. It went well. I'm hot and sweaty. My neighbors have all waved at me like usual. And, now I get to get cleaned up for my first night on 3rd shift. BE-A-UTIFUL!

I'm hoping this goes well so that I can continue it throughout the remainder of the year. This may be really getting my hopes up, but I need this to work. It is horrible for me to say, but I need this break for me. I shall have to return with another update tomorrow.

I have much more I've wanted to write over the last couple days. I shall be back!