One Quarter Mama

Weekly Roundup for July 1, 2026

2026-07-01T14:00:17.145-04:00

Bill S-228 - An Act to amend the Criminal Code (sterilization procedures) - received royal assent in June. https://www.parl.ca/legisinfo/en/bill/45-1/s-228

"Whereas the sterilization of persons without their consent is a legacy of systemic discrimination, colonization and racism that disproportionally, but not exclusively, affects Indigenous and racialized persons;..."

Because of this, it also now includes and protects disabled people. Here's a firsthand story from Inclusion Canada. 4min video on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U-4VKS4ZEGA

I've created a petition against graphic "medical" images of "abortions" being put up by activists in public spaces in Montreal: https://c.org/jhfLHHv9SL

Random Roundup for the Week of June 22, 2026

2026-06-22T06:30:00.000-04:00

Supporting and understanding neurodivergent survivors of gender-based violence. Free resource:
https://www.gbvlearningnetwork.ca/our-work/briefs/brief-48.html

Free, 7h online course for school staff on understanding Indigenous student realities: https://www.uqat.ca/formation-continue/sensibilisation-realites-autochtones/
I believe it is in French only.

Video series on bilingualism in autistic children: https://tube.switch.ch/collections/dHD4WM9cp0

Exploring the Link Between Temperament, Sensory Processing, and Characteristics of Autism in Autistic and Non-Autistic Children: https://link.springer.com/article/10.1007/s10578-026-02033-3

The Accessibility Commissioner of Canada's 2025–2026 Annual Report: https://www.chrc-ccdp.gc.ca/resources/publications/accessibility-commissioner-canadas-2025-2026-annual-report

Random Roundup for the week of June 15, 2026

2026-06-15T10:09:17.059-04:00

2024 Study: Prevalence of autism among adults in Canada: results from a simulation modelling study

"Primary outcome measure National prevalence estimates of autistic adults living in private dwellings in Canada, with variations in prevalence by sex at birth and province/territory considered.

Results The findings suggest the prevalence of autism among adults in Canada to be 1.8% (95% SI 1.6%, 2.0%). National prevalence estimates by sex at birth were 0.7% (95% SI 0.6%, 0.9%) for females and 2.9% (95% SI 2.6%, 3.2%) for males. Provincial/territorial estimates ranged from 0.7% in Saskatchewan (95% SI 0.3%, 1.3%) to 3.6% in New Brunswick (95% SI 2.4%, 5.1%)."

This is written by the prof I would like to be my thesis advisor (if I change my degree for the thesis option) https://theconversation.com/will-attendance-based-grading-improve-school-absenteeism-281101

TIME SENSITIVE: The review panel on the lack of accessible housing in Canada is inviting all individuals and organizations to share their perspectives. The review panel is especially interested in hearing from people directly affected by this issue, service providers, and experts in housing, human rights, and accessibility. Submissions will be accepted until June 22, 2026. https://nhc-cnl.ca/review-panels/written-hearing

Great new resources on raising boys (in the context of preventing misogyny and red pill behaviour) https://www.whiteribbon.ca/raisingboys

Info on Ehlers-Danlos you can take to your doctor for assessment: https://www.ehlers-danlos.com/assessing-joint-hypermobility/

Legislation I follow that I think is important:

An Act to amend the Criminal Code https://www.parl.ca/LegisInfo/en/bill/45-1/C-225

An Act to establish a national framework for women’s health in Canada https://www.parl.ca/LegisInfo/en/bill/45-1/S-243

An Act respecting Caribbean Heritage Month https://www.parl.ca/LegisInfo/en/bill/45-1/S-248

I encourage you to submit briefs to any and all Bills that are important to you. If you'd like to know how, I'm happy to teach anyone.

Reverse Fraud on Facebook Marketplace

2025-07-17T16:53:00.000-04:00

Selling items on Facebook Marketplace? Watch out for this scam

Duration

Montreal sellers on Facebook Marketplace say they’re facing a new type of scam. Deceptive buyers are trying to gain access to sellers’ banking information by sending a fake e-transfer link.

Video link: https://www.cbc.ca/player/play/video/9.6833746

FASD Language Guides and New Autism-Related Studies - Roundup for July 16, 2025

2025-07-16T15:11:00.005-04:00

(USA) FASD anti-stigma and preferred language guide free pdf download.

CANFASD language guide. 2024 version.

New study: Massively parallel reporter assay investigates shared genetic variants of eight psychiatric disorders.

"The World Health Organization estimates that 1 in 8 people (970 million) suffer from a psychiatric disorder of some kind.1 Because of the high comorbidity between different psychiatric disorders, common genetic etiology has been suggested.2 A study comparing genetic correlations across 25 different brain disorders suggested shared genetic risk factors (pleiotropy) across psychiatric disorders.3

To investigate this further, the Psychiatric Genomics Consortium (PGC)4 conducted a meta-genome-wide association study (GWAS) of eight psychiatric disorders, including autism spectrum disorder (AUT), attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder (ADD), schizophrenia (SCZ), bipolar disorder (BIP), major depressive disorder (MDD), Tourette syndrome (TS), obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and anorexia nervosa (ANO), to identify pleiotropic genetic variants.5 Among the 136 genome-wide significant (GWS) loci (hereafter referred to as “cross-disorder loci”), 109 loci were associated with more than one disorder, underscoring widespread pleiotropy in psychiatric genetics. Pleiotropy may account for the extensive phenotypic comorbidity observed across different psychiatric disorders."

2018 Study: Social Support, Well-being, and Quality of Life Among Individuals on the Autism Spectrum

"...effective social support and subjective well-being mediate whether autistic people achieve a high quality of life."

New Study: Major autism study uncovers biologically distinct subtypes, paving the way for precision diagnosis and care

"Researchers at Princeton University and the Simons Foundation have identified four clinically and biologically distinct subtypes of autism, marking a transformative step in understanding the condition’s genetic underpinnings and potential for personalized care."

A German Experiment Placed (Disabled) Foster Children with Pedophiles

2025-07-08T15:08:00.001-04:00

Since we cannot share news articles on Facebook here in Canada, I can use my blog space as a portal to share links to articles that I think should be shared.

There's a NewYorker article with a similar title, however I can't access it, so sharing what I have found on my own:

DW News
https://www.dw.com/en/berlin-authorities-placed-children-with-pedophiles-for-30-years/a-53814208

Not only were the boys wards of the state, they were deemed "moronic" and "underdeveloped."

Wikipedia article: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Helmut_Kentler

What does it mean to Parent Like an Autistic?

2020-09-21T08:00:00.001-04:00

I wrote the book and titled it, How to Parent Like an Autistic, but what does that mean? And why would anyone want to?

I wrote it simply with the premise that autistic people know what is best for us the vast majority of the time, if not all the time.

With so many forums like, "Ask an Autistic" we know neurotypical (NT) parents want to understand what is going on in their child's minds. It's best to ask people with firsthand experience, aka Autistic Adults. Autistic adults know what works best for us and what worked best for us as children. We also remember what harmed us.

This is my biggest piece of advocacy to date because not only is it empowering NT parents by giving them insights into the autistic mind and what to do, but by extension, will hopefully bring greater understanding to child development and lead to happier, better adjusted autistic adults. I want to see the next generation of autistic people with improved mental health, not suffering from PTSD, and not committing suicide at such high rates. We deserve better. I hope this book brings people on the path to make things better.

I truly believe autistic children thrive when they are unconditionally accepted for who they are. I believe they need autistic mentors and friendships. I also believe autistic parents are the best at supporting autistic children and we share many common beliefs and practices about parenting. It was with this idea that I started surveying autistic parents for my book.

Parents need support as well, and this book can either serve to guide them along the right path to make sure they are doing the best for their autistic child, or affirm that they are doing it exactly as an autistic would.

I feel autistic parents will also enjoy seeing their parenting philosophy reflected in the pages, if nothing else than to feel validated and not alone in our unique style.

How to Parent Like an Autistic

2020-09-20T20:42:00.002-04:00

My new book, How to Parent Like an Autistic, is live!

It's available on Amazon in both print and eBook version in 14 countries.

You'll find some links in the link above. It's also on Rakuten Kobo in eBook format, where it is currently #1 in the Nonfiction - Parenting - Child Development category.

Hoping to get it up on AppleBooks soon as well. And perhaps as an audio book.

Thank you for all your support!

Ask Before Dumping Your Baggage

2019-10-17T22:07:00.000-04:00

There's this video I see that gets shared every so often on Facebook or LinkedIn, with a Black taxi driver getting yelled at, and he explains calmly how everyone is like a garbage truck, walking around with a whole lot of garbage and needing somewhere to dump it. Sometimes that means you get dumped on, but it's nothing personal.

OK. Nice concept, but isn't that what therapy is for? Rather than dumping your shit on innocent random people or the people you love the most, maybe you should see a therapist.

Realistically speaking, not everyone goes for therapy, and it's also valid to have a trusted venting buddy for the more daily issues that pop up. All that said, no matter how good friends you are, you should still ask before venting/dumping.

Why?

Because emotional labour comes at a cost. You're basically dropping off a whole lot of heavy baggage at their front door and making them carry it around for you, or find a spot for it in their home. And those of us in the giving/caring professions, or those with families, or those with disabilities, or those who are minorities....for a whole bunch of different reasons, we often aren't as strong or able-bodied to take on extra loads than what we're already carrying, or our homes are already so packed with our own baggage and clutter, that we truly cannot find a spot for yours. We're bursting at the seams.

Even worse, many of us who are highly sensitive or empathetic are this way because we come from trauma. So we want to give and please. We want to listen. We want to be available the way no one ever was for us. We want to minimize harm, but I've come to realize, my fear of disappointing you comes at a great cost to me, as I am the one now stuck with your baggage.

People have always come to me with intensely emotional and personal things. And that has only intensified as I am more in the public eye. I also believe my writing makes people feel a connection with me, even though they don't know me personally, they think they do. So they also feel it is OK to message or email me personally. They come, dump, and disappear. Or they come, dump, and appear periodically, whenever they need to dump another load.

What they don't realize is, they are not alone. On any given day, I may receive three or four such dumps, out of the blue, never asking me if I am busy, or even interested. I am expected to drop everything to attend to this rant/complaint/confession/personal issue and then once they are done, they fly off again, much lighter.

I am not telling people never to vent, but I am asking you to ask if it is safe to do so, or if it is the right time, place and person to do it with.

You can say, "I have something sort of heavy..." or "something really frustrated me and I need to vent, is now a good time?" or "are you available?"

Again, a person with PTSD or bad previous experiences might still oblige even if they really shouldn't, but you at least have a chance of getting an honest person who will set boundaries.

Good examples of what to say to people demanding of your time and energy are:

"I'm out of bandwidth."
"I can't right now, but can I check in with you later?"
"This is not a good time."
"I am not the best person to ask."
"I have exactly 5 mins and then I have to go."

Notice how I didn't put any softeners or apologies? Don't apologize for setting boundaries and guarding your time and own mental health.

No one is owed anything. You do not owe anyone your time or mental/emotional energy or labour. Be conscious of the person you are demanding labour from and if granted, please express some gratitude.

I'm Not Baking Up Woke Cookies and Handing Them Out

2019-10-17T20:58:00.000-04:00

Some time ago, I bought my sister and I matching t-shirts that said, "I am not your magical Negro. Knowing me does not make you cool."

It is worn out - it was not good quality - and I should probably get a new one. I still need to wear it, just in a bit of a different way.

It is hard, as a Person of Colour, to share stuff specifically for or about my community on Facebook, without white people occasionally popping by to dump some white guilt on it, or shed their fragile white tears all over the place. I think about it every time I post, because depending on the topic, their silence will also speak volumes and I have to decide if I am ready for that today. Basically, I think about race every day. I live my race every day. And I have to consider my actions and speech concerning race every single day, every single post, every single blog article, every single interaction.

I recently had a white friend ask me if I considered race after I posted a video of a Philippino dancing for a Black American woman on a cruise. Yes. Yes, I indeed had. I considered both the class and racial issues. The power imbalance. The All The Things. Like I do every minute of every goddamn day, thanks for asking.

I could be wrong, but I think white people only think about race when they sorta have to. And maybe it crosses their mind now and again and they have this wonderful woke revelation. Which is cool - I'm like, so proud of you, but please stop asking POC to pat you on the head each time you figure this shit out. Because for us, it's old news. It's very similar to a child declaring, "that's a circle!" and the first time your kid does this, you are super amazed. The next 20 times your kid says this, you're like, "ok, nice Jimmy." White people run to message or tell POC, "racism exists! Holy crap, I just saw it now!" and POC are trying to be as polite as possible like, "gooooood job!" and not sound too condescending.

But I am not going to hold people's hands through this anymore. I am done drying up white tears. And I am sooooo done with white people commenting with their performative wokeness, asking me for cookies for it. The same way I am not your magical Negro, I am not the giver of the woke cookies. Stop asking me for them. I don't even have a recipe for them. Not even sure what they would be made of. Raisins and mayonnaise?

Most of all, stop asking POC to praise and validate you. I'm glad when people come to important realizations. I'm even more happy when people take action and call out/in other white people. But stop trying to win points with us. Just dance like nobody is watching, or off the beat, or whatever you need to do.

Disclosure in Exchange for Respect

2019-10-17T20:15:00.000-04:00

In our effort to increase awareness and acceptance about disabilities, a subset of people seem to have latched on to the idea that if we just tell people we're disabled, others will suddenly understand be kind to us.

I'm talking about Sainsbury offering extra assistance to anyone wearing a sunflower landyard. Anyone with an invisible disability is welcome to pick one up for free and then shop freely, while displaying their diagnosis to the world in exchange for basic respect.

Or parents buying blue plastic pumpkin baskets or making signs or special treat bags that say, "be patient with me, I'm non verbal." But let's keep it real about what is actually happening: adults are withholding candy from children because they don't say "trick or treat" properly or at all. Who exactly is acting like an adult and who is the child in this situation? It's candy. It's cheap. People come to your home on one specific night a year and you've decided now you are the ableism Halloween candy police and must Lord over the visitors who are requesting candy? Give me a break!
Can we just agree to give candy to whoever comes to your door, without being racist, sexist, classist or ableist? Is it really too much to ask?

No one and no parent, should have to explain or disclose a disability in order to simply exist, shop, work, trick or treat, or just take a walk down the street. I shouldn't have to wear a giant sign on my head to have you be kind to me or use some patience.

Similarily, I had a conversation with a friend online recently where a meme was explaining some proper grammar for common expressions and I posted it not because I care about proper grammar, but because I wanted others to understand that those with speech impediments might get these wrong simply because they're hard to pronounce. My friend replied that people should at least know how to spell them correctly then. I said, "dyslexia is a thing and does not indicate a lack of understanding or intelligence." The friend responded, "people with disabilities get a pass."
No, that's not how it works. How about just don't judge at all? You are not the holder and giver of the "pass." We don't need your judgement. And a "bad speller" stranger on the internet shouldn't have to provide their diagnostic reports in order for you to not pass judgement.

I'm really tired of people suddenly requiring everyone else to provide an explanation for being different, needing some help, or just wanting a bit more understanding, in order to be treated like a human being.

On Grief

2018-12-06T14:24:00.002-05:00

I’m no expert on grief, but I want you to know you’re not alone and everything you are feeling is totally normal. Just like birth connects women to the wisdom of the ancients – we have been birthing for millennia and each of us become connected like a cosmic thread – death unites us in the same way. Or rather, grief does. I’m unsure if we are united with anyone after death, but for sure, once you experience the death of a loved one, you gain membership into a club no one told you about and one you never wanted to be part of.

The first year is the worst. It just is and there is nothing you can do about it. Accept it is awful. You will feel sick, weak, tired, drained, exhausted, depressed, angry, impatient, and sad. You are going through the process of seeing the world with new eyes and adjusting to a new way of life without your loved one in it. You will take pictures you wish you could show them, and the sudden memory that you cannot will sting your heart. You will go to pick up the phone to call them and remember you cannot. You will hang on to every shred of memory you can find – a scent, an item of clothing, a favourite object of theirs.

image of a woman holding her head in her hand, eyes closed with a pained expression on her face

The first Christmas/Hanukkah, birthday, whatever major celebration without them will suck. If you do manage to have fun, you might stop yourself and feel bad for having fun. Try to just feel whatever you feel and not judge it. I don’t believe any loved one would want us to feel bad – especially because of them. Ask people to be gentle and patient with you.

I had/have days I wake up fragile without a good explanation other than the emotions just have to pass through and come out. It’s OK to tell your friends and give a head’s up – "today is a vulnerable day."

Every year after gets better. Unlike people, grief never dies. It morphs and lightens and changes, often leaving bittersweet memories instead of pure sadness in its wake, but it will always be with you. And this is why it is futile to fight it and easier to accept it as a journey or a friend who won’t go away. Annoying, but still a friend. A journey without an ending. See it as you wish but know it won’t leave you.

At the same time, there’s no need to hang on too tightly. By moving on, you are not disrespecting the memory of your loved one. They have tucked themselves into a little corner of your heart to make space for all the other wonderful people you will meet in your life. Your heart has enough room to hold them all. It’s a muscle that expands with exercise. Allow your heart to exercise its love muscle!

Remember that all this pain – this horrible heartache – is evidence that you have loved, and loved deeply. And that is a gift, my dear soul. You were lucky.

Beyond The Spectrum - Documentary Review

2018-04-22T15:56:00.000-04:00

Content warning: functioning labels, pathology paradigm, feeding/gagging, injections, ABA language

Beyond The Spectrum screenings were held in theatres across Canada for World Autism Awareness Day, and I was invited to be on the discussion panel that was to be held at the end of the screening. In our case here in Montreal, no one showed up to watch, so it was just me and three other of my autistic friends.

We were all alone in the theatre. We had a private screening of #beyondthespectrummovie for #waad @georgeshuard

A post shared by K Bron John (@kbronjohn) on Apr 3, 2018 at 5:46am PDT

I'd love to say I really enjoyed this documentary and had a great time, but I didn't. But let me back up.

Beyond The Spectrum follows a Canadian family for a year after their two year old son, Oskar, receives his autism diagnosis. His parents decide to take a year off work to devote to his care and explore many different methods, therapies, diets, and supplement "cures" to try to make him less autistic - I guess this is the best way to put it. They don't explicitly say that, but the father "hates autism" so this is the best paraphrasing I can come up with.

It should be noted there's an older son, Teddy, who is also autistic. The mother appears to have been a single mother at the time Teddy was diagnosed, so the therapies she did with him were different. Teddy appears to be around 8 or 9 years old in the film (I do not remember his age) and says he believes he is no longer autistic. He speaks of having autism in the past tense.

Regardless of the functioning language used in the film (Oskar is "severe"), My Little Man (now 8) presented very similarly to Oskar at the same age and now presents very similar to Teddy. Only difference is we did not subject our son to even half the therapies this other family tried.

The PR people who reached out to me to sit on the panel warned me ahead of time that the content of the documentary could be difficult or controversial. I was told I did not have to agree to everything I saw in the film, just provide my opinion/perspective. I believe their warning was warranted and I also think it contributed to the lack of an audience showing up to see it.

After the screening, I posted on Instagram and the father asked me if I related to it. I had to tell him, sadly no. As an autistic person, I could relate to the children and why they were behaving the way they did. As a parent, I was deeply disturbed - I found parts of it extremely difficult to watch and am glad I had my friend next to me to comfort me. Images of Teddy undergoing "feeding therapy" and gagging are still burned in my memory. Oskar being injected in his buttocks with vitamin B12 just make me sad.

On the plus side, I am glad I saw it because it represents what I believe so many Canadian families go through. We are still such an ignorant and ableist society that we don't leave room for difference. Because of this, parents are absolutely terrified by autism. They don't understand autism and have never spoken to another autistic adult. They see no hope.
Because I am so well-surrounded for the most part by people who accept difference, I forget there are still those parents who are parenting out of fear and ignorance. But this is reality and they are in the majority.

Unfortunately, autism has become an industry based on fear. People charge thousands of dollars to apparently "make children indistinguishable from their peers" and parents fall for it because they're terrified of who their child will become.

It makes me sad for them because they are stressing themselves out, they are stressing their marriages, they are stressing their children, and they are emptying their bank accounts - all because of their misunderstanding of autism.

At the end of the year, the father decides to go back to work, and the mother seems to be more accepting of Oskar.

I don't know what this family will do in the future, but I hope they find a way to be accepting and happy. It makes me want to work even harder to destroy the myths and fear, and create a society that is truly inclusive so that this family's story doesn't have to be the norm anymore.

Chewigem Reviews

2018-03-20T21:50:00.000-04:00

Last fall we became Chewigem Ambassadors. We already had quite a few pieces we had already bought and used, but now Chewigem has been sending us their newest pieces to review.

I've been making video reviews, so I'm compiling them here so you can check them all out, starting with the most recent.

If you have any questions, Carla and Linda are there to answer you promptly and very accessible, whether by email, phone or even Instagram message. And shipping is fast!

Check out what we think of our Chewigem accessories!

We're Not As Divided As You Believe

2017-10-30T17:37:00.000-04:00

Image of a man icon on a circular gradient chart with sections of varying shades of pink, with black text which says "a community divided?"

If you speak to a lot of parents of autistic people, you'll hear many excuses for why they don't listen to us as authorities of the autistic experience. Aside from the whole, "you're not like my child" (well no, we've grown up), I'd say the most common way to try to discredit us is by saying our community is divided.

And I'm going to jump in here as someone who's very active in the community and say NO. That is not the case. If you choose to believe that, you're just making excuses.

If anything, you are the one creating a divide by not listening to the many of us who are speaking. It's also amazing to me how much energy many would rather spend trying to come up with excuses for not listening to us rather than just listening to us.

When I speak to and meet other autistic people, I feel an instant connection. Not only that, but even if I don't agree with them 100%, I am totally able to see where they are coming from and why they think the way they do. (I can't say the same for dealing with NT people)

Do we argue amongst ourselves at times? Yes, we're human. Do we get very passionate in our debates? For sure! We are logical beings. We have feelings and emotions. We have a distinct need to be heard. Do we disagree on language? Sure, while most people prefer the term autistic, some people prefer to be called people with autism. No biggie. These are not major devisive issues.

By and large, do we agree that ABA is abusive? YES.
Do we have issues with Autism $peaks? Many of us do.
Do we want to be cured? Nope.
Do we believe in neurodiversity? Yes!

When it comes to big and important issues, we're much more cohesive and in agreement than many might think!

I see it as no different than the Deaf community - there are many for sign language and there are some for cochlear impacts and verbal communication. There's a whole overlap within there, but they are still a distinct culture. Do we discredit the needs of Deaf people simply because there is more than one way to be deaf or hard of hearing?
(Actually, I'm going to say society finds way to discredit pretty much any disabled experience, but I'm trying to make a point here.)

Look, the fact is, people can pick and choose what they want to hear and what advice they want to take, but do not discredit us as a whole, or tell us you just don't know who to listen to because you've heard more than two opinions. Get more opinions and listen to the majority - even if it's not what you want to hear.

We Have A Male Babysitter

2017-06-30T08:00:00.000-04:00

The title of this post has been sitting in my drafts since 2015. Why has it taken so long to write? What is the hesitation?

I guess I feared judgement. Or maybe I didn't think it's such a big deal. Considering how long it has been sitting in my drafts and my brain, I think it's something that does need mentioning and talking about.

So here goes: we have a male babysitter. I shouldn't have to qualify it that way though. Like "manbun," men can have buns. The hair style is not the sole domain of women. Nor should the title of "babysitter" be automatically feminine. So let's try again: we have a babysitter, who happens to be male. In fact, we're on our second one.

Why not? Perhaps it's not all that common, but it works for us. I think the next generations are going to be a lot more egalitarian.

Light blue icon of a male on a dark blue background with the text: We Have a Male Babysitter written across the top

The fact is, both my boys have gravitated to males. In my household, I am outnumbered. Even our pet rabbit is male. My eldest son was thrilled to find out his camp shadow this year is male.

But let's address the elephant in the room: Abuse.
Yes, pedophiles are more likely to be male than female. (They're also more likely to be left-handed...should left-handed people scare you? I'm a leftie!) However, I do think both males and females are equally likely to abuse people in general (physical, emotional). Having grown up with an abusive mother I can attest that women are just as damaging, but are better at hiding their abuse perhaps.

Either way, we vet the people who care for our children thoroughly, and also go by our gut instincts. Male or female, we ask for First Aid/CPR certification, background checks, references, non-smoking, and no drugs or alcohol when you show up to work. Both our (male) babysitters came highly recommended by other families and/or their work.
If you sit and think about it, my own husband would not have been qualified to babysit our own child by our standards. (I already had my CPR certification with the Little Man was born, but he went and got it later. And yes, I insisted on it!)

In the end, I want my kids to have fun and be well-cared for. The gender of the person is irrelevant. I know we are in the minority and I think that's why I hesitated writing this.

I think, however, as my sons grow up, if they need aides for daily living tasks, they will still probably opt for a male. I don't know, but I think for myself, if I'm going to need help bathing or toileting, I would probably prefer a female rather than a male. I prefer a female masseuse. I have no preference for doctors, though mine are currently male. It comes down to individual preference I guess, and right now my kids are squarely in the man's-man territory.

Would you, or have you, hired a babysitter or caretaker who was male?

All The Weight of Our Dreams is Available

2017-06-28T08:00:00.000-04:00

I am so happy because it's been a long time coming and I am pleased to announce All The Weight of Our Dreams is available!

I had mentioned last year I was contributing to two autistic anthologies and All The Weight of Our Dreams is the first one out. The second one should be available in November 2017. Cross your fingers!

Book cover of All The Weight of Our Dreams: on living racialized autism

Compiled by Autistic writers/editors and the Autism Women's Network, here is the description:

Delve into poetry, essays, short fiction, photography, paintings, and drawings in the first-ever anthology entirely by autistic people of color, featuring 61 writers and artists from seven countries. The work here represents the lives, politics, and artistic expressions of Black, Brown, Latinx, Indigenous, Mixed-Race, and other racialized and people of color from many autistic communities, often speaking out sharply on issues of marginality, intersectionality, and liberation.

It's also available from Amazon and a pay-what-you-can version is promised soon.

Stay tuned as I hope to be able to do a few public readings of my piece.

This Language Ain't For Y'all

2017-06-26T14:01:00.000-04:00

Let me state that language is a bit of "special interest" of mine - I have a degree in Linguistics - so I have an educated understanding of language and all its idiosyncracies and beauty. While there are hundreds of languages spoken in the world, communication, at its most basic, is any two people managing to understand each other. That's it. Communication may use writing, spoken utterances or gestures, but it just needs any two people to understand each other to be valid. I have a deep respect for this wonderful human process.

So why am I writing this? Because it annoys me when people criticise other people's language or communication because they "don't understand it" or they accuse other people's communication of "dumbing down society." Scientifically, this is absolutely ridiculous. Politically, it's bigotted, sometimes even ableist.

Take this Tweet, for example:

When your hair is on fleek. pic.twitter.com/NZI2VImFwJ
— Robots With Rayguns (@robtswthrayguns) June 25, 2017

"On fleek" has been in use since 2014, if you use Merriam-Webster as a source, or 2009, if you go by whatever you find on the internet. Either way, it's not a mainstream word and not everyone uses it. However, you'll get plenty of people criticising it and other "slang" words' use.

"I don't get get it. It sounds stupid! Why can't people speak proper English anymore!"

So there are a few problems with complaining about language evolution:

You can't stop time and change, sorry to break it to you! No matter how much you complain, new people will do new things. The world changes and you're kinda stuck either adapting or being really unhappy.
Who made "proper English" (whatever that is. That is not a scientific category) the Holy Grail of languages?
These words or language being used aren't for you to understand. In fact, many speakers much prefer you not understand.

Remember how I said communication is any two people being able to understand each other? Sometimes languages develop specifically because the speakers don't want anyone else to understand them.

If we look at the development of many creoles in the Caribbean, this is exactly what occurred. People from different African countries were stuck together on slave boats. They did not share a common language, so they had to find ways to communicate with each other. By mixing words and phrases from their own languages, and those of the slave drivers, they were able to create their own languages. In Linguistics, we call this a pidgin. Ideally, they did not want the slave drivers to understand them - I think we can all appreciate why this would be.

When a pidgin evolves and a basic grammar starts to emerge, it becomes a creole. The point I need to make here, however, is not only is language in constant evolution (just like people!), but the necessity to have communication that is solely for the understanding of certain groups of people has been going on since we started communicating with each other. Social groups use different methods to make themselves distinct such as diet, dress, creed, and of course, language.

Is it really any surprise that teens might make up their own words and use them with each other, maybe so their parents don't understand? It's creative and genius. There's nothing unintelligent about it and it certainly doesn't affect any one else's use of the dominant language.

Or if we look at African American Vernacular English (AAVE), again created by a racial group, which can serve as a marker the user is part of that social community. It's how people relate to each other. Contrary to "dumbing down" English (or any other language for that matter), all users of a creole or a vernacular speak the dominant language of the area (English) - meaning they are actually bilingual or polyglots (multi-lingual). They're actually using more of their brain than unilingual people.

As it's all communication, I see all languages (spoken, text, sign, morse code) as equally valid. A pidgin is not any less useful than "proper English" - both get the job done. Pidgin poety also exists, so fear not, the arts are not neglected.

[Image description: a corner of a keyboard, a cell phone and a pen with the words, "This Language Ain't For Y'all written in dark blue along the bottom]

When people hear slang and complain, "that isn't an English word! I don't get it! It's dumbing down society!" that's like saying Italian is going to ruin English because you don't understand it. And really, don't be so full of yourself. It's not for you to use. It's not even for you to understand. You're not part of the group that is using it! You weren't invited into their conversation. You're being the rude one if you're jumping in and demanding you understand other people's private (or exclusive) conversations.

Remember that any group of people excludes others from their conversations in many ways. Inside jokes are one. Or a family that uses a term for something their toddler came up with and it stuck forever. My husband's family has an "oompa." What is that? You can guess, but unless you're part of his family it doesn't make sense for you to know or understand. There's no reason for you to start using it, and his family's use of it doesn't somehow hurt the whole English language and threaten its very existence.

Certain words and phrases come into use because of spelling errors, or short cuts in written language (texting) being necessary or common. What might look "lazy" to you could just be someone's dyslexia. Is it really fair to complain someoene's learning disability is not only annoying you or is "ruining" the language? If that's the case, I don't want to hang around you.

So of course, you are free to continue criticising the words other people use, but please try to remember that it has nothing to do with you. It's not meant for you. You do you :)

Avoiding Snake Pits and Other Scary Things

2017-04-05T09:30:00.000-04:00

I was being interviewed by a neurotypical about how I handle certain situations. I was asked how I might handle things that were challenging to me. I explained that I usually wait for another time when I am feeling my best. For example, I won't go shopping at a busy grocery store on a day I'm already tired or feeling overwhelmed. Usually there's nothing that can't wait another day. Or maybe I'll ask my husband to do it.

But, it was insisted, there must be other things I find challenging and *have* to do. I simply don't put myself in situations that are just too challenging.

"So you just avoid things?"

Yes, the short answer is, yes, I avoid things that would be too challenging. It sounded really judgemental, the way it was said, as if I gave up on life. But I thought about it and don't most people? I mean, if you are scared of snakes, I would guess you'll avoid snakes or places where snakes might be. You might wait for a day where you are well-rested and ready to run, should you encounter one, but for the most part, you probably just avoid hanging around snake pits. That would seem logical to me! Surely there's no pressing need you need to go into a snake pit.

By that same token, I've designed my life in a way where I can avoid my personal "snake pits." I don't particulary enjoy taking the metro in my city anymore, so I got my driver's license and a car.

I call it a life by design - I make it work for me. Why should I stress myself out to do something I'm not comfortable doing when there are other options? And why is finding another option seen as a failure somehow? As if using all my energy to fight a situation I don't want to put myself into is somehow more valiant? Or the "right way" to function in the world? Surely thinking up alternatives and finding solutions has some value.

I don't have to do things like others do or even enjoy the same things others do just because. My way of being or designing my life is just as valid. I do what works for me and makes me comfortable. I'm pretty sure you do as well.

Picky, Selective, Autistic Eating

2017-04-03T22:03:00.004-04:00

So many parents stress over their child's diet. I get it, I'm a mom, too.

"He only eats chicken nuggets and bread."

Usually when someone says, "they only eat...." that list becomes not just two things, but slowly expands to five, even 10 things. Yet they still complain, "but no veggies" or "they don't eat meat."

What I'm about to say isn't going to make me popular, but here goes: WHO CARES?

Plenty of people in the world don't eat meat. There are tons of adults who eat little to no veggies or fruit. Is it totally optimal? No, maybe not, but is your diet optimal? I'm going to bet you don't get the 7-10 daily servings of fruits and vegetables Canada's Food Guide recommends. So are you holding your children to a different standard than you hold yourself?

Are you able to fill in some gaps with fruit/veggie smoothies, vitamins or supplements? My son will drink Pediasure and take his essential fatty acids in liquid form. I don't sweat the rest.

There are a few concepts I'd like you to be aware of when it comes to Autistics eating:

1) Eating can be part of routine or rituals, so the whole routine is needed in order to keep anxiety down. The food itself may or may not bring as much comfort as the rituals around it do.

2) For some eating is comforting and the taste/texture is satisfying a sensory need. For others, eating is simply a means to an end. Depending on how my sensory system is working one day, I can truly enjoy food, and another I'm eating only because I know I want to stay alive, but everything tastes like cardboard.

3) We might need to eat alone to feel comfortable.

4) We might not tolerate a whole sandwich, but would be fine to take it apart and eat it. Allowing us to "pick at food" might be worth it if you want us to eat.

5) Many of us eat with our hands. Yes, even us adults.

6) We know how we feel after eating certain foods. We know what we can digest and what brings us discomfort. We avoid things that bring us discomfort. We don't have to have an intolerance or allergy in order to suffer from discomfort. If you know corn makes you bloat and gives you gas, you probably avoid it or eat less of it. We do the same! Fancy that!

It's especially because of #6 that I don't believe in "hiding" foods in other foods because you want your child to ingest something. Don't sneak broccoli into chocolate muffins. Don't put ground up meat in pasta sauce. That's a really good way to get your child to stop eating their preferred foods and make them feel sick.
Trust we know our bodies and what makes us feel well and comfortable in our own skin.

There's no "one bite" rule in my house. Looking at a new food, touching it, smelling it, licking it and biting it and then spitting it out are all valid explorations of food. My son is always offered different foods and he's certainly welcome to try, but never forced. Put a new food on a plate in front of your child and leave the room if it disturbs you too much to watch them not eat it. Eating should not be a pressured, coerced or stressful situation.

Let them explore it (or not!) as they wish. Then let them eat what they want to eat. My son eats nut butter sandwiches every day. Lunch and dinner. That's what he likes. So be it. Eventually he will branch out to something else. Peanut butter comes in 1kg tubs and is quite affordable. Why should I stress?

I know that just like I did, he'll eventually eat a greater variety of foods as he matures. Or maybe not. But we're not there yet.

So my advice is really to not make stress for yourself where none needs to be and respect the fact we eat what works for us, in ways that work for us and are comforting.

The Essence of Autism

2017-01-27T18:16:00.000-05:00

I was in an autism discussion group and we were talking about how anxiety can play a big part of being autistic. I mentioned that if I could do away with the anxiety part and keep the autistic part, I think that would be ok. Someone else said that anxiety was autism and it can't be separated. I'm going to have to disagree.

I get that we get anxiety for a lot of different reasons, many of them being sensory issues, some of them being social issues, and others from childhood trauma or C-PTSD. But you can have anxiety without autism, just as you can have sensory processing disorder without autism. Anxiety isn't part of the diagnostic criteria for autism, nor do I think it should be.

What I do think is that we can have it better. We can have and deserve a better quality of life. We don't have to just throw up our arms and say, "well, I'm Autistic and anxious and there's nothing I can do!" Nor do we need to hold the belief that if we manage to control or get rid of the anxiety issues, that we'll somehow lose our autistic identity.

I really believe the essence of autism is in our brain structure - the connections it has created that are different from neurotypicals. It's deep in our chemistry and make up. It's not something that can be fundamentally changed or taken away. But I do believe there is hope and possibility to alleviate some of the most trying symptoms, like the incapacitating anxiety, and the sensory discomforts.

It's true, as adults, we can often change our immediate surroundings to suit us. We make cozy homes for ourselves, when we can. But we still have to go out in the world, which is by and large not suited for many of us. I think we have been and can continue to make changes in the outside world as well, but I also see a need for us to be able to just be more comfortable in our own bodies. That might be medication. That might mean therapy, but whatever it is, I think we should be confident that we do not have to hold on dearly to the symptoms that are holding us back in order to preserve our autistic identity.

I write this as I'm coming out of a shutdown/burnout. What I wouldn't do to be able to remain functional. I have a family, a job - I can't afford to shutdown, but it happens and I don't blame my autism. I don't think I win any autism brownie points for having them. I think I could be just as authentically autistic without them. Just because I hate my anxiety, it doesn't mean I hate myself or autism. For me, my identity isn't so tied up in that part.

What do you think? What is the essence of autism?

Adoption Day

2017-01-25T20:48:00.000-05:00

We'd already been living as a family of four for over a year when we finally had our adoption finalization court date. Despite telling everyone this would be the case from the beginning, people still expressed surprise - "you mean...all this time!?"

All this time we were not his legal parents.
All this time we had no birth certificate for him.
All this time we had home visits from our social worker to check up on us.
All this time we waited.

I barely slept the night before our court date. I was excited to officially become a "forever family" and I also felt sad for his birth family. It seemed so final...and it was.

We paid our fee to our lawyer and entered the court room.
Hubby and I both testified and the whole process took maybe 10 minutes.
And that was it. After over a year of being together, a judge finally declared us a real family in the eyes of the law.

We exited the court room and I played We Are Family on my phone as we walked out of the court house.

And that's how our family was made.

Ev'ryone can see we're together
As we walk on by
(Hey) and we fly just like birds of a feather
I won't tell no lie
(ALL!) all of the people around us they say
Can they be that close?
Just let me state for the record
We're giving love in a family dose

We are family
I got all my sisters with me
We are family
Get up ev'rybody and sing

Living life is fun and we've just begun
To get our share of the world's delights
(HIGH!) high hopes we have for the future
And our goal's in sight
(WE!) no we don't get depressed
'Cause here's what we call our golden rule
Have faith in you and the things you do
You won't go wrong
This is our family Jewel

Sister Sledge - We Are Family Lyrics

Montreal Resources for Parents

2017-01-18T05:03:00.000-05:00

After dealing with two kids with gastroenteritis ("stomach flu") and not able to send the baby to daycare because of it, Hubby and I didn't have much sleep, laundry was piled up, and we were still trying to work our jobs. It was too much!

So I went searching for resources. For families like us without extended family able to lend a hand, it can be rough. I went in search of emergency babysitting and in that search, I found a bunch of other resources that might help. I'm sharing what I found in case others find it useful:

La Maison Kangourou - I've mentioned them when they opened in 2011 and they're still going strong. They offer emergency respite at their three-floor home, 24/7. You can drop off a child (up to 12 years old) any time and know they will be safe. They can stay up to two weeks at a time. They also offer weekend respite for $40/child/day.

We Care Home Health Services - Provides health care in your home.

Bayshore Health Care - In-home health care available 24/7. They care for seniors, children, and do light house work (dishes, laundry, sweeping).

Information and Referral Center of Montreal - Not sure who to call or where to start? No clue what's available in the city? Call 211 and they do the searching for you. It's free!

Premiere Ressource - Do you need to vent about challenging parenting issues? Have a parenting question? Just need someone to listen? Premiere Ressource is free, anonymous, and staffed by psychologists and child specialists. You can call between 9am-9pm most days to speak to someone.

As usual, for any non-emergency health issues, you can always speak to a nurse by calling 811.

If you are in a state where you may harm yourself or your child, please call 911 or head to your nearest emergency room, police station or CLSC for immediate assistance.

Home Speech Therapy Exercises

2017-01-13T20:05:00.000-05:00

Using my Repeat, Simplify and Wait process helps give children the time, tools and confidence to practice speaking.

If your child has Childhood Apraxia of Speech, these tips are really helpful. Combine oral language with sign, prompts and Pictos to reinforce and encourage. Always do it in a spirit of learning and fun.

Don't forget to give lots of praise for any speech attempt!

Let me know how it works out for you and feel free to ask me any questions!

Fidget Cube Unboxing

2017-01-13T19:53:00.001-05:00

Two white fidget cube boxes side by side

Hey everyone! I bought two fidget cubes to have me and the Little Man try them out. I didn't give him his yet, but I made a little unboxing video so you can see all the features and decide for yourself if you want one!

Grey and black fidget cube sitting in bottom half of opened box

Watch my video to see it in action!