One Step Bronte

Dear Diary...

2017-07-09T01:45:00.002+01:00

Hello everyone!

Well, it's been an awfully long time since I've posted anything in here.

Over the past six moths, I've been proof reading for an author that writes short stories for the app 'Episode Interactive'. I've had a great time proof reading these stories so I decided to create my own.

I have published one story so far, 'Dear Diary...'.

Click the link below to read it!

http://episodeinteractive.com/s/5919017556246528

I would love to hear any feedback you have!

The Concept of Love

2016-02-23T19:46:00.001+00:00

The Concept of Love: Shakespeare's definition of love and how it is presented in his sonnets

William Shakespeare (1564-1616) is regarded as a literary great, recognised for his many plays that still feature in many educational syllabuses across the world. He has also received adulation for his poetry and sonnets. This essay works on the basis that there are two individual specifications of love; lust and true love. Definitions of these loves can be found embedded within several sonnets and will be explored further on in this essay. Other types of love could also be distinguished and analysed within Shakespeare's collection of sonnets, however, for the purposes of this composition to achieve in depth analysis, the two most prevailing types of love will be focussed on. This essay will seek to determine Shakespeare's definition of both types of love and then also demonstrate how literary techniques are used to illustrate them. The use of pathetic fallacy will be the key allegory analysed that is used to help further the understanding of the two differing types of love and furthermore, distinguish between them.

The Shakespearean sonnet, more broadly classed as an Elizabethan sonnet, first appeared in the latter years of the sixteenth century. It is thought to have been brought to England by Sir Thomas Wyatt (1503-1542), a young courtier of Henry VIII, who spent considerable time in Italy and France, where the Petrarchan sonnet has it's origins. As poetry and literature evolved, select writers and poets distanced themselves from political and religious poetry and instead, love became the key focus of their works, as “the supreme and inalienable individual experience, love necessarily became the central theme of literature during this epoch”. It was also considered that “the leading poets writing in the fifteen-nineties and after were attempting to evolve a treatment of love that accorded with the vision of their time”.¹ Shakespeare is thought to have written his sonnets in the early to mid 1590s. However, the collection of sonnets went unpublished until 1609.² It is thought that, due to the sensitive, personal and deeply emotional content, sonnets were initially circulated amongst friends and select literary groups. The Shakespearean sonnet has strict regulations, in style and rhyming scheme. It consists of two sections, the octave and sestet which comprise of three quatrains and a final couplet. In every sonnet, it is a necessity that the first quatrain proposes a subject; the second develops it. There is then a change in the perspective or notion and the third quatrain further builds upon this and the final couplet will then act as a conclusion, offering a resolution. It is necessary to understand the conflicting and changing perspectives within a sonnet so an extract is not taken out of context or considered a final emotion or idea of the speaker.

For this essay, many commentaries of Shakespeare's sonnets have been considered, however, the primary commentary utilised is the New Cambridge Shakespeare.³ Another text vital to the initial inspiration of the thesis of this composition is The Four Loves by C.S. Lewis. To proceed, it is necessary to outline the contents of this book and Lewis' definition of love. The book examines love and distinguishes four different varieties; Affection, Friendship, Eros and Charity.⁴ Lewis' idea of Eros establishes this essay's notion of true love and the word Eros will be used from this point onwards. It is defined as “that state which we call “being in love”; or, if you prefer, that kind of love which lovers are “in”.”.⁵ Lewis also makes a clear distinction between lust and Eros. Lust, which is referred to in The Four Loves as 'Venus' is defined as “the animal or carnally sexual element within Eros... what is sexual not in some cryptic or rarified sense... but in a perfectly obvious sense... what could be proved to be sexual by the simplest observations”.⁶ It is worth to note that Lewis also states that Venus can be found outside of a state of Eros. Furthering his definition of Eros and also distinguishing the difference between Eros and lust, Lewis presents the following anecdote.

“A man in this state [Eros] really hasn't leisure to think of sex. He is too busy thinking of a person. The fact she is a woman is far less important than the fact she is herself. He is full of desire, but the desire may not be sexually toned. If you asked him what we wanted, the true reply would often be, “To go on thinking of her.” He is love's contemplative.”⁷

Whilst Lewis' definitions of lust and Eros can give an understanding of love, it is necessary to also consider the Shakespearean definitions of both variations of love. Whilst lacking the simplicity of Lewis' definitions, it is possible to interpret Shakespeare's definition of love through the examination of his sonnets. Firstly, Shakespeare's definition of Eros will be identified and will be done using sonnet 116.⁸ The definition is easier found 'inbetween the lines', as the sonnet proposes what true love is not, rather than what it is. It can be interpreted that Eros is solid and unchanging, in the first quatrain “love is not love, Which alters when it alteration finds”. The use of the word 'alteration' allows the speaker to encompass all tribulations and trials that two lovers may encounter; time, events, lust or perhaps even death.⁹ This notion is continued into the third quatrain, “Love alters not with his brief hours and weeks, But it bears out even to the edge of doom”. 'Doom' could be considered death but could also include a lover's worst fears and the most unfortunate of circumstances; as what is considered doom can be individual. In describing what Eros is not rather than what it is, the emotion, or force, becomes transcendent. Words in a human language simply cannot describe the true definItions of Eros as love surpasses linguistic ability. It is only in the second quatrain in which Shakespeare describes what love is, “it is an ever-fixed mark... whose worth's unknown”, which reinforces the understanding Eros is transcendent, beyond human understanding as it's worth is “unknown” but it's existence is not doubted. “An ever-fixed mark” suggests the notion Eros is a power or force that is beyond any form of measurement and breaches the laws of time and space and leaves a mark that is eternal. J.B. Leishman, senior lecturer at the University of Oxford, commented that in Shakespeare's sonnets, “love appears as the Defier of Time”.¹⁰

Shakespeare's definition of lust, however, is vastly different to his idea of Eros. The sonnet that shall be used to determine the definition is sonnet 129.¹¹ It appears lust is considered quite opposite to Eros. “Lust is perjured, murd'rous, bloody, full of blame, Savage, extreme, rude, cruel, not to trust”, unlike Eros, the sonnet is largely about what lust is rather than what it is not. Such contrasting use of description between the two loves makes lust appear a instinctual, basic and inferior emotion, easily obtainable with little to no worth. It is entirely negative and can produce nothing of beauty. Despite being deemed a loathsome emotion, there is no doubt of it's strength or power as a force to control one's mind and metaphorically, lead one down an unsavoury and immoral path. This is shown and eloquently described in the final couplet, “All this world well knows, yet none knows well, To shun the heaven that leads men to this hell”. It can be assumed that the sonnet is concerning immoral sex and for the purposes of this essay, will be considered as adulterous sex or premarital sex. Describing the act, and the emotion of lust, as “heaven”, allows the reader to understand the appeal of lust and how the anticipation of the act can be so powerful, it can influence one's actions. However, it is shown as short lived as only a few short words later, the heaven has turned into hell, like the immoral sex and lust that is “Enjoyed no sooner but despised straight”.

The contrast of these definitions is so vast and the key difference to be noted is the definition of what Eros is largely distinguished from what the sonnet describes it is not, yet the sonnet this essay used to define lust does not fall short in vast description of what lust is. It enforces Eros s transcendent and that is has the ability to transgress human capabilities so a human cannot truly define it, it is above the capacity of the human brain and greater than human knowledge can comprehend. Yet lust is one of the basest emotions which can only lead to negativity. This differs to Lewis' definition of lust, or Venus, as he purposely separates any judgmental connotations with lust. Therefore, a lot of emotion is removed and lust becomes definedas simple sexual desire rather than detailing the negative effects this sexual desire can have on man. Another factor worth noting when considering Shakespeare's definition of both lust and Eros and also the following analyses of pathetic fallacy is that the definitions cannot be found until the latter sonnets of the collection. Descriptions of love and lust are observable from the first sonnet, yet the first pallable definition is not found until much later in the collection. There is no proof Shakespeare wrote the sonnetx in this order, however, if he did it could be supposed that whilst he was aware of these emotions and loves, it took significant exploration of them and a lot of time to be able to comprehend and define lust and true love.

Using these definitions of lust and Eros, it is now possible to look at how pathetic fallacy is used in Shakespeare's sonnets to demonstrate these types of love. The sonnets that will be evaluated are 2 and 18.

Firstly, the use of the weather a reflection of mood in sonnet 18 will be examined to see how it represents Eros.¹² The sonnet starts “shall I compare thee to a summer's day?”. By using the phrase 'summer's day', the reader instantly has thoughts in their mind of all the wonderful and positive things associated with this time of year; the warm sunshine, the pleasant smells, the long and light days and the beautiful nature that comes into bloom at that time of year. It has been commented that “[sonnet] 18 plays on the proverbial comparative formula “as good as one shall see in a summer's day', meaning “as good as the best there is””.¹³ This reflects the feelings the speaker has towards to recipient of his love and shows the beauty and warmth of his affections. Nature is also considered be a gift from God, and with the following line “Thou art more lovely and more temperate”, the love, or Eros, the speaker feels is likened to be better than what some consider the most beautiful scenario on the planet. This affirms the interpretation that Shakespeare feels Eros is transcendent. This notion is continued throughout the sonnet, once again using nature as a reference point, “Rough winds shake the darling buds of May...but thy eternal summer will never fade”. Summer appears fragile and breakable, a sensitive form of beauty. However, the 'eternal summer', possibly meaning the internal emotions and feelings of Eros that the speaker has for his love, will never fade and will span time and space. There is no a force strong enough to defeat it, once again suggesting Eros is an emotion that surpasses this world and human understanding. It is to be considered a force that is incomprehensible and unbreakable, never wavering or losing power. Eros lasts for eternity even though a human's life span is only a matter of decades.

Weather is also used to portray lust, this essay will focus on how this is done in sonnet 2.¹⁴ The sonnet starts “When forty winters shall besiege thy brow... Thy youth's proud livery.. will be a tottered weed of small worth”. Completely opposing the Eros imagery of summer, Shakespeare chose to use the imagery of winter. Winter days are short and the majority of the day is filled with darkness, only a few hours of light in which to see. This could symoblise the dangers of lust, as said in the definition, it is no sooner enjoyed as it is despised; a winter's day no sooner has light as there is darkness yet again. Winter also often brings harsh conditions and cold weather which is unpleasant and makes the reader associate lust with such negativity. By writing 'forty' winters, these unpleasantries are amplified as it seems they are never ending... there is no mention of the summers in between but only the harsh, cold winters. Forty simply could mean forty, however, it is suggested that “[forty is] an indefinite number frequently used to suggest what the Elizabethan's thought as the dangerously wrong side of the middle ages”¹⁵. To be taken in context, the imagery of forty winters is used to show that all the person has is good looks, and in time, they will fade and this person will be nothing, as pathetic and despised as a lowly weed, meaning either a tattered rag of clothing or an unwanted plant growth that is unattractive and kills the flowers it surrounds. Perhaps it could be the person spoken of is so beautiful and attractive, he inspires many people to lust after him and lead them into 'hell', as described in Shakespeare's definition of lust, but the speaker seeks to remind him that his sinful ways will bring him no happiness as lust is short lived and can and will fade, unlike Eros which is eternal and never changing.

A suggestion for further research could be analysing how pathetic fallacy develops throughout the sonnets; as this essay has previously mentioned, the definitions of Eros and lust came in the latter sonnets of the collection so potentially, pathetic fallacy could be used differently as Shakespeare's understanding of the loves deepen. Symbolism and the use of colours could also be reviewed and analysed to understand further ways in which Shakespeare portrays both types of love. Different variations of love presented in Shakespeare's sonnets could also be identified and analysed, referring closely to Lewis' The Four Loves and perhaps also the Allegory of Love. Potentially, the thesis of this composition could be extended to other Shakespearean works such as his plays, specifically Romeo and Juliet and Hamlet.

After careful consideration and in depth analysis, it is clear there are two types of love shown within Shakespeare's sonnets. The first, Eros, is a love so strong that it is unchanging and transcendent. There is nothing on this Earth that can measure it's beauty. Lust is defined as quite the opposite, whilst still undeniably powerful, it is an awful and despised emotion that can only lead to hell, whether that be a literal hell or metaphorical hell. Shakespeare successfully uses nature and pathetic fallacy to demonstrate his definitions of both Eros and lust, Eros being compared to bright summers and lust to dark winters. Love is complex emotion with many different variants, but it could be argued that the two most prevailing variants of love throughout the history of human civilisation are that which has been detailed in this composition.

2761 words

Bibliography

Bath, Mike, and Tom Furniss, Reading Poetry: An Introduction (2nd Edition), 2nd edn (Harlow: Longman Pub Group, 2007)

Bennett, Andrew, and Nicholas Royle, An Introduction to Literature Criticism and Theory (4th Edition), 4th edn (Harlow, U.K.: Pearson/Longman, 2009)

Bradbrook, M.C C., Shakespeare and Elizabethan Poetry Study of His Earlier Work in Relation to the Poetry of the Time (United Kingdom: Penguin Books, 1965)

Cunliffe, Richard John, A New Shakespearean Dictionary (Norwood, PA: Norwood Editions, 1977)

Felperin, Howard, Shakespearian Romance (United States: Princeton University Press, 1972)

Leishman, J. B., Themes and Variations in Shakespeare’s Sonnets (Routledge Library Editions: Shakespeare) (London: Routledge, 2005)

Lever, J. W., The Elizabethan Love Sonnet, 2nd edn (London: Methuen & Co, 1966)

Lewis, C. S., The Four Loves (London: Collins, 1987)

Lewis, C S, The Allegory of Love: A Study in Medieval Tradition (London: Oxford University Press, 1936)

Schiffer, James, ed., Shakespeare’s Sonnets: Critical Essays (Shakespeare Criticism, 20) (New York, NY: Garland Publishing, 2000)

Shakespeare, William, and Stephen Orgel, The Sonnets, ed. by Gwynne Blakemore Evans (CAMBRIDGE: Cambridge University Press, 2006)

Shakespeare, William, Shakespeare’s Sonnets (Arden Shakespeare, Third Series Revised), ed. by Katherine Duncan-Jones (London: Thomson Learning, 2010)

Shakespeare, William, A New Variorum Edition of Shakespeare The Sonnets, ed. by Hyder Edward Rollins (Philadelphia, USA: George Banta Publishing Company, 1944)

Stallworthy, Jon, Margaret Ferguson, and Mary Jo Salter, eds., The Norton Anthology of Poetry, 5th edn (New York: Norton, W. W. & Company, 2005)

1 Lever, J. W., The Elizabethan Love Sonnet, 2nd edn (London: Methuen & Co, 1966), p141

2 Bradbrook, M.C C., Shakespeare and Elizabethan Poetry Study of His Earlier Work in Relation to the Poetry of the Time (United Kingdom: Penguin Books, 1965), p141

3 Shakespeare, William, and Stephen Orgel, The Sonnets, ed. by Gwynne Blakemore Evans (Cambridge: Cambridge University Press, 2006)

4 Lewis, C. S., The Four Loves (London: Collins, 1987)

5 Lewis, C. S., The Four Loves, p85

6 Lewis, C. S., The Four Loves, p85

7 Lewis, C. S., The Four Loves, p87

8 Shakespeare, William, and Stephen Orgel, The Sonnets, ed. by Gwynne Blakemore Evans, p84

9 Shakespeare, William, and Stephen Orgel, The Sonnets, ed. by Gwynne Blakemore Evans, p215

10 Leishman, J. B., Themes and Variations in Shakespeare’s Sonnets (Routledge Library Editions: Shakespeare) (London: Routledge, 2005), p102

11 Shakespeare, William, and Stephen Orgel, The Sonnets, ed. by Gwynne Blakemore Evans, p91

12 Shakespeare, William, and Stephen Orgel, The Sonnets, ed. by Gwynne Blakemore Evans, p35

13 Shakespeare, William, and Stephen Orgel, The Sonnets, ed. by Gwynne Blakemore Evans, p123

14 Shakespeare, William, and Stephen Orgel, The Sonnets, ed. by Gwynne Blakemore Evans, p27

15 Shakespeare, William, and Stephen Orgel, The Sonnets, ed. by Gwynne Blakemore Evans, p110

How To Get A Job

2014-05-21T15:33:00.002+01:00

Regardless of what every one on Jeremy Kyle says, there are ALWAYS jobs available. They might not be the best jobs in the world but I can guarantee you in every town or city there will be at least one job available to someone willing to do it. All there is is the matter of actually getting it.

First of all, you've got to get decent CV.

Above are examples of some CVs I have used previously for a range of jobs and work experience - feel free to use them as templates!

Don't think you have to have one universal CV - you can amend it dependant on what job you're applying for. For instance, I have three CVs. One that I use for anything creative or media based, one that I use for waitressing and bar jobs and another that I use for retail/selling.

It's not about lying, it's about telling your potential employer what you have done that suits this job. If you're applying for a job as a receptionist at a dentistry practice, they're going to be more interested in the admin work experience you did at school then the Saturday job you had as a babysitter.

I've always been told I'm bad at analogies, I think I've just realised why...

You've got to exude confidence
Take note from one of my favourite fictional television characters - Leonard.

The bottom line is, if you don't believe in yourself, how can you expect an employer too? Walk up into that interview like 'YEAH, I deserve this job, I want this job and I can do this job'. That's what like they to see.

Never doubt yourself.

Obviously, there are some limitations; don't apply for a job as a professor at a university if you've only got 5 GCSEs and then wonder why you didn't get a call back.

BUT, there are many jobs of all levels on the market if you look thoroughly.

You've got to be persistent
Don't get disheartened if you don't get a job, just keep trying.

If I apply for jobs, I'll apply to maybe 20-30 at a time, get a call back or an interview for around 5 and then get offered something like 2. I don't focus on the 28 jobs I didn't get, I rejoice at the fact five companies read my CV and thought I was worth talking to and even those two who liked me that much they offered me a job.

I know it's cliché, but if it doesn't happen, maybe it wasn't meant to be.

Just APPLY, APPLY, APPLY. There are very few unemployable people. Some of the world's worst people had great jobs. You just have to look at Nick Clegg.

You've got to know where to look
One of the biggest troubles is actually getting started. How do you know where to find a job? Google is wicked but doesn't always bring the most helpful things up.

Well, here are a few sources to get you started:

Your local newspaper - either in the physical paper or online. I got my current job through an advertisement on the Leicester Mercury website, and it's amazing

Adverts in shop windows - walk around your town or city and make a little note

Store/Restaurant websites - know where you'd like a job? Companies usually advertise jobs on their own website, check the website for local vacancies

Agencies - there's usually agency offices in most cities, go in and see what they have to offer

Online job search engines - such as indeed.co.uk, reed.co.uk, totaljobs.com and jobsite.co.uk

Word of mouth - if you have little to no experience, it's good to talk to family and friends to see if they know anyone employing then they may be able to put a good word in for you

I've had numerous jobs in almost every sector; retail, hospitality, office work - and it's not like I'm amazingly qualified or really good at any of the above things. Just follow my four step plan and with a bit of luck, you'll land yourself a job.

Good luck :)

Cats in Adverts

2014-05-06T10:35:00.000+01:00

So it looks like the Cats blog post was not a one off but part of the Cats Collection. TRADEMARK COPYRIGHT BRONTE DAWSON ONE STEP BRONTE IDST XOXO

This week I bring you Cats in Adverts.

1. The McVitie Kitty
See what I did there?

2. The Three Cat
I'd like to point out that this cat is actually named Bronte. Yeah, Bronte. That's my name too.

3. The Smarties Cat
Blue is back.

4. The Crusha Cats
My beautiful milkshakey kitties.

5. The Keyboard Cat
Well, I can safely say this cat is more talented than I am.

Tetrapharmakos

2014-04-14T20:07:00.000+01:00

I was a wandering across the internet and I came across this little philosophical gem. Tetraphramakos, known as the 'four part cure', is an idea by Greek philosopher Epricus. It's is essentially the philosophy of living the happiest possible life.

Life can be super hard sometimes, and seem overwhelming - but there is always an answer or a solution.

This is a simple four step philosophy to living the happiest possible life. Think about it.

Don't fear god,

Don't worry about death;

What is good is easy to get, and

What is terrible is easy to endure

or as it was originally in Greek

Ἄφοβον ὁ θεός,

ἀνύποπτον ὁ θάνατος

καὶ τἀγαθὸν μὲν εὔκτητον,

τὸ δὲ δεινὸν εὐεκκαρτέρητον

Life Lessons Clerks Taught Me

2014-03-31T17:50:00.000+01:00

Clerks - one of my favourite films of all time. It's the first appearance of Jay and Silent Bob but surprisingly, they're not what makes the film as incredible as it is... for me, it's the beautiful life lessons taught in a blunt yet amusing way.

You want to know what they are? Watch the film.

Just kidding, I wrote that out for you. You're welcome xoxox

Quit blaming everyone for your problems, if you're not happy then do something about it.

Working in retail has a serious downfall; customers.

It's important to appreciate the little things in a relationship.

Your walk defines you as a person.

Sometimes, you have to learn to let go.

You must appreciate DVD stores whilst they're still here.

And finally, it teaches Kevin Smith is one hell of a director.

Film Review H; Horrible Bosses (2011)

2014-03-30T19:50:00.000+01:00

Rating: ★★★

"It's relatable; everyone has had a boss at some point that's a total asshole."

Running Time: 1 hour 38 minutes
Rating: 18
Release Date: 8 July, 2011
Genre: Comedy
Starring: Jennifer Anniston, Kevin Spacey, Jason Bateman
Director: Seth Gordon
Writers: Michael Markowitz

Plot: Three mates decide to murder their intolerable bosses. Problem is, these three friends aren't exactly cut out for crime.

Review: It's relatable; everyone has had a boss as some point that's a total asshole. It was almost to the point where it frustrated me at the start; seeing how horrible these bosses were to their employees. It wound me up thinking about how it actually happens in real life, so many people are stuck in jobs they hate whilst being degraded and treated like crap by their bosses for a rubbish wage.

However, when the lads conspire to get revenge against these unbearable bosses, the film starts to get fun. It's an adventure - and definitely a feel good one. It's definitely a high quality and high budget film, everything is done well. The acting is fantastic, the filming is great, the editing is perfect - it's a really well made film. Comedy just isn't my genre, and despite the storyline being entertaining, it wasn't amazing.

Horrible Bosses was a good laugh with a few surprises, a couple of twists and turns. All in all is was a pretty good film, the plot is definitely something I bet almost everyone can relate to from some point in their lives.

Still not sure whether you could relate to this film? Well just ask yourselves these questions.

If the answer to any of the above is yes, this film could show your potential revenge.

DISCLAIMER: I do not recommend killing your boss...

Unless you don't get caught.

Cats in Costumes

2014-03-25T19:29:00.002+00:00

One Step Bronte has been a little film heavy recently so I thought I'd shake it up with something light, simple and enjoyable. Pictures of cats.

This could be the first of a range of blog posts about cats, or it could be a one off, but let's just all enjoy it... I present, Cats in Costumes.

1. Bat Cat

2. Super Cat

3. Hello Kitty Cat

4. Dapper Cat

5. Acid Cats

(this one's for you Frank)

6. Big Cat

7. Lobster Cat

8. Bumblebee Cat

9. Pirate Cat

10. Bunny Cat

11. Suave Cat(s)

12. Cool Cat

Film Review G; Gravity (2013)

2014-03-24T19:48:00.000+00:00

Rating: ★★★

"A journey not only through space but through the mind."

Running Time: 1 hour 31 minutes
Rating: 12A
Release Date: 4 October, 2013
Genre: Drama, Thriller
Starring: Sandra Bullock, George Clooney
Director: Alfonso Cuarón
Writers: Alfonso Cuarón

Plot: Two astronauts are left adrift in space after their space shuttle is destroyed.

Review: When I saw the trailer to this film, I thought it'd make a great film - if the film was only 15 minutes long. I had no idea how a film about someone being lost, floating in space could last for an entire hour and a half, especially when it's a serious film with no aliens or super powers or anything. Here is that trailer.

After watching it, I realise this is because the film is less about Stone's (Bullock) journey in space, but more about her emotional journey and the struggle to continue. The film focuses mainly on one person who has been cut off from contact with anyone else, so the pressure was really on Bullock as an actress, and I think she did really well. A tear was even brought to my eye at one point. I was really tired and midway through a nine hour flight though, so I wasn't in the best frame of mind.

One thing that is utterly amazing about the film is that (obviously), it wasn't filmed in space yet 99% of the film is shown in space. Honestly, it's revolutionary CGI, it looks like it is really in space. In every scene, it is not only totally believable, but also beautiful.

For me, the fantastic technicalities of the film like the acting and the CGI, couldn't make up for the somewhat uneventful story line and for that reason, this film gets three stars.

I feel like a judge on The Voice after writing that line.

Film Review F; The Fifth Element (1997)

2014-03-19T18:40:00.001+00:00

Rating: ★★★★

"This film is more than just a sci-fi flick, it is a beautiful representation of life.... with added spaceships."

Running Time: 2 hours 6 minutes
Rating: PG
Release Date: 9 May, 1997
Genre: Sci-fi
Starring: Bruce Willis, Milla Jovovich, Chris Tucker, Gary Oldman
Director: Luc Besson
Writers: Luc Besson
Yeah, that Luc Besson is the same guy that wrote and directed one of the most highly rated films of all time; Léon: The Professional.

Plot: Fast forward to the twenty third century; a bad ass taxi driver finds himself trying to save the world against an evil that comes to Earth every 5,000 years to destroy life.

Review: Surprisingly, I loved this film. It is never something I would usually watch as I HATE sci-fi. Almost as much as I hate rom-com. I mean, I can't really remember seeing any sci-fi I really enjoyed - I mean Star Trek, Star Wars and Doctor Who; all of them boring and somewhat annoying, at least in my opinion.

So what made it stand out against all the other sci-fi films? It has everything needed in order to enthral the audience. I like to watch a believable (or almost believable) films and despite the presence of weird aliens and odd species, the characters were real enough to believe their personalities (with a touch of imagination). I feel it is important to make the viewer feel like they're in the film, watching the events happen in front of them - rather just being sat in a cinema or lying in bed, and this film does it.

I also love the storyline. Luc Besson managed to combined action, comedy, sci-fi and romance all into one film so there is something for every viewer but in a structured way so it actually works.

The whole film is based around there being five elements; fire, water, Earth, wind and love. I think this is the perfect way to look at life. Luc was really clever in the character development, making each character embody a certain quality, or 'element'. Dallas represents strength, Leeloo represents love, Zorg is evil, Father Cornelius is religion...

This film is more than just a sci-fi flick, it is a beautiful representation of life.... with added spaceships.

BRUCE WILLIS A.K.A BAD ASS

As you may well know, Willis is well known as one of cinemas most beloved bad asses. Here are some of his most popular films.

Film Review E; Eraser (1996)

2014-03-12T20:47:00.000+00:00

Rating: ★★

"The only thing that made this film good was how comically awful it was."

Running Time: 1 hour 55 minutes
Rating: 15
Release Date: 11 June, 1996
Genre: Action, Thriller
Starring: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Vanessa Williams, James Caan
Director: Charles Russell
Writers: Tony Puryear, Walon Green

Plot: An employee at a company that manufacturer top-secret weapons finds out a huge military secret and now it's up to good old Arnie to keep her safe - even from those meant to protect her.

Review: It's just so awful. Seriously. The only thing that made this film good was how comically awful it was. Everything was below par.

The storyline is one that anyone who has watched an action film could basically write. There is a little twist in there, a bit of conspiracy, even a bit of 'could there be, could there not be' romance. However, nothing that stood out in any way. I mean, it was amusing but not for the right reasons. The over the top and awkwardly bad acting were laughable - I'm sure even if the actor/actresses watch the film back they'd have to cringe.

Schwarzenegger's character is entirely what you'd expect of him. Complete indestructible hero. In fact, at one point (despite being an ordinary man), a grenade filled with nails explodes and a long nail goes straight through his hand - which he then pulls out and his hand, and it heals instantly. I hear he's now called Arnold 'Jesus' Schwarzenegger.

Now continuity errors are more regular in this film than displays of talented acting so let's have a look at the...

GOOFS

The back window of the van repairs itself after it is shot out.
Arnie drinks almost a full bottle of water on the plane, yet when the bottle later falls over it's almost half full.
Arnie's arm sling changes from side to side towards the end of the film.
Johnny C takes his vest off but within seconds, it's miraculously back on again.
Lee's mini-cam switches sides as she's walking down the hall.

Film Review D; Despicable Me 2 (2013)

2014-03-04T20:12:00.002+00:00

Rating: ★★★★

Running Time: 1 hour 38 minutes
Rating: U
Release Date: 28 June, 2013
Genre: Comedy, Family
Starring: Steve Carell, Russell Brand, Steve Coogan
Director: Pierre Coffin, Chris Renaud
Writers: Cinco Paul, Ken Daurio

Plot: Retired super villian Gru is unwillingly recruited by the Anti-Villian legaue to put a stop to a new criminal on the circuit, meeting some new characters along the way.

Review: An ultimate feel good song from start to finish. I had no idea Steve Carell was the voice of Gru - I don't really like him or many of the characters he plays but I fell in love with Gru. Who doesn't love an evil villain turned loving and comedic father?

The big question on everyone's mind is; is it as good as the first one? Well, in my opinion, no, unfortunately not. It is really good and funny; everything you'd expect it to be. The story line is light and simple yet still engaging enough to keep you interested throughout the entire film. However, the first Despicable Me was new and exciting - it was the first time we saw the minions and were introduced to the huge personality of Gru and the kids, Margo, Agnes and Edith.

Don't get me wrong, the characters are equally as good if not better in the second film. The personality and individuality of each minion is built upon which is amazing. Personalities are really developed and it was really enjoyable to watch, even if there wasn't much depth to it. Overall, definitely worth a watch to pick you up!

Watch out for the next Despicable Me film in 2015 - The Minions!

Here's a little gem from an NBA game I went to last night. An usher dancing to the main song of the soundtrack; Happy by Pharrell Williams

Film Review C; Charlie and the Chocolate Factory (2005)

2014-02-22T00:02:00.000+00:00

Rating: ★★★★

Running Time: 1 hour 55 minutes
Rating: PG
Release Date: 15 July, 2005
Genre: Comedy, Family
Starring: Johnny Depp, Helena Bonham Carter, Freddie Highmore
Director: Tim Burton
Writers: Roald Dahl, John August

Plot: A young boy gets a chance for his dreams to come true as he visits the world's best chocolate factory run by fantastically eccentric chocolatier, Willy Wonka. It is one adventure no one could prepare for.

Review: I absolutely loved it. Right from the beginning, I was entranced by the mystical and enchanting acting and setting. It took me away to a fairytale, and although it is so far from my own reality, it felt like I was in it.

The CGI used in this film really made it for me. There is a lot of discussion about which it better, the original Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory (1971) or the remake. Although both are really good for difference reasons, the remake wins it for me. It's so tight - the soundtrack, the CGI, the acting; it all works together perfectly.

The quirkiness of Johnny Depp's acting, the dark and twisted fantasies of Tim Burton's directing and the classic Roald Dahl humour combined creates a film that has odd eccentricities whilst still being good family fun for all ages. In my opinion, it was one of the most enjoyable films of it's kind of the past ten years.

TRIVIA TIME

Forty squirrels were ACTUALLY TRAINED for one scene.

Loads of the sweets, including the lollipops on the trees, were real.

Four of the five songs in the film were written by Roald Dahl himself.

Nearly 2,000 chocolate bars were provided for the making of the film by Nestlé.

It took almost six months to build the boat - so it could actually float on chocolate.

The river of chocolate was filled with over 200,000 gallons of fake chocolate.

Film Review B; BASEketball (1998)

2014-02-13T11:13:00.003+00:00

Rating: ★★★

Running Time: 1 hour 43 minutes
Rating: 18
Release Date: 31 July, 1998
Genre: Comedy
Starring: Trey Parker, Matt Stone
Director: David Zucker
Writers: David Zucker, Robert LoCash, Lewis Friedman, Jeff Wright

Plot: Best friends, Coop and Doug, create a new sport that takes America by storm. These two bums turned pro athletes then have to protect the game from a money-grabbing millionaire who wants the power, dollar and fame for himself.

Before we get started, for those that don't know, Trey Parker and Matt Stone are the masterminds behind South Park.

Review: This film combines the perfect amount of South Park low class and tongue in cheek humour for an all round, half decent comedy. The entire film is basically based on an idea that you and your mates could come up with as a joke but then somehow got turned into a film... a lot of people don't like this, but I think it works. It's as if everyone involves knows it's terrible yet manage to play on that fact with purposefully bad acting and awful props alongside many cringe worthy jokes to make an enjoyable comedy film. Probably worth a watch, if you're into the likes of Team America and South Park.

Did you know?

BASEketball is a game that actually exists. The entire movie is based on a game the director, David Zucker, and his friends made up on his driveway. Believable.

The word 'dude' is said 98 times throughout the film.

Chris Farley, from the classic 90s film Wayne's World, was originally offered the role of Coop. When he turned it down, Trey Parker and Matt Stone were offered the role and changed the entire script to suit their comedic style.

The South Park Kenny is actually in this film... but as Kenny 'Squeak' Scolari.

Reasons why The Wolf of Wall Street is one of the best films ever

2014-02-04T14:40:00.000+00:00

Based on the true story of wealthy and borderline insane stockbroker Jordan Belfort, this film has an amazing storyline and is incredibly well produced. It has easily made it's way into my top five films of all time.... and this is why.

1. Because it produces tweets like this

2. The actors ACTUALLY snorted powder in the cocaine taking scenes. Even it was just crushed vitamin B tablets...

3. One of the drug scene took 70 takes, just to get ham to stick to Leo's face. They eventually managed to do this by using lube. Dedication to the cause.

4. It combines the talent of all these amazing people.

5. The actual Jordan Belfort coached Leonardo DiCaprio on how to play a crazy, drug-fuelled, sex crazed maniac. Good job Jordan, good job.

6. In the film's opening weekend weekend, it took over 18 million dollars.

7. It has all the elements of classic Scorsese films...

dancing,

money,

sex,

and of course, drugs. Lots and lots of drugs.

8. Despite only have being released for under two months, The Wolf of Wall Street has already won 17 awards and been nominated for another 53... including five oscars.

9. One of the scenes in the film had to be toned down in order to receive the certificate 18. That's right. Can you imagine what it must have been before hand?

10. The on screen chemistry between Leonardo DiCaprio and Jonah Hill is unreal.

11. Any film with this quote in the trailer has to be a pretty, pretty intense film.

"My name is Jordan Belfort. The year I turned 26, I made 49 million dollars, which really pissed me off because it was three shy of a million a week."

12. And finally, because even if you don't like the storyline, you can look at one of the most beautiful women in the world for almost three hours.

Film Review A; Apocalypse Now (1979)

2014-02-01T16:53:00.000+00:00

Rating: ★★★★

Running Time: 2 hour 33 minutes
Rating: 15
Release Date: 15 August, 1979
Genre: Drama, War
Starring: Martin Sheen, Harrison Ford, Laurence Fishburne
Director: Francis Coppola
Writers: John Milius, Francis Coppola

Plot: Captain Willard, an army captain and intelligence officer, is given a new and dangerous mission after he has come home from his tour of the Vietnam war. The mission; to assassinate Colonel Walter Kurtz, a man who lost his mind and has set himself up as a God among a tribe in Cambodia. Willard must now endure the terrifying and brutal journey during the height of the Vietnam war in order to find almost unlocatable man for a mission that 'does not exist - nor will it ever exist'.

Review: This film is like an onion, there's lots of layers. Everything combines together to really make this film a piece of artwork. Firstly, it's got so many fantastic actors at the start of their careers. I mean, I had no idea Charlie Sheen had a famous papa, yet I was amazed by his fantastic display of acting skills. Sheen really brings life to the character and makes every trait of Willard's so believable; the trauma he's faced, the cold, broken man he has now become, he's on the edge of insanity... and Sheen shows this in the most subtle ways yet makes it so powerful. Not to mention the rest of the star studded cast; Harrison Ford, Laurence Fishburne, Marlon Brando... fantastic casting for the film.

The next layer to add to the film as the absolutely incredible soundtrack! It's like the soundtrack you'd expect to have in a seventies sci-fi and horror film. The music seems almost out of place and makes a real statement, rather than being subtle in the background. This adds to how out of place the war, fighting and man made machinery is in the depth of nature and the jungle.

The storyline is absolutely brilliant. The film is three hours long and it definitely felt three hours long. However, the storyline is intriguing enough to keep it's audience enticed throughout the entire thing. There is depth to a lot of the characters allowing you to either take them at face value or read more into them. Apocalypse Now allows to viewer to make the decision to passively or actively watch it - and either way is enjoyable.

Overall, it's pretty, pretty good. It's a long one meant for Sunday afternoons and a definite must see.

That Stuff What's Good; November

2013-11-05T21:27:00.000+00:00

November... the month that is basically December eve. All the below are what I have been enjoying for the past month but now it's November, it can't really be an October list... but all are definitely enjoyed all year round.

THE RICKY GERVAIS SHOW

Hilarious. Just so, so, so funny. I love the round headed buffoon that is Karl Pilkington. I've watched all of season one and half of season two in the last week and every second was worth while. I hope Karl writes an autobiography called 'The Life and Times of Karl Pilkington'. It'd be the most amusing read ever.

RUBICON MANGO

This has to be the most refreshing drink in the world, without a doubt. No more needs to be said. Have one.

PRO BIKINI ATHLETES

Squat hard and squat deep. I don't get the hype about skinny girls, I'd much rather look like Steph Mahoe (pictured above) than Kate Moss. I'm really into lifting at the moment and my ultimate inspiration are pro bikini athletes. It's like the perfect level in between your standard bikini model and body builders. It's something every girl can work towards and if you put in the effort, you will definitely get results. And if you're bulking, you get to eat ALL THE TIME. It's all about thick thighs and massive bums. Take note.

PERI PERI

I'm a massive fan of fried chicken and haven't had any cheap chick chick better than Peri-Peri. As a standard, it's cooked fresh to order and not only do they do fried chicken, they also have peri peri chicken (surprisingly). All cooked fresh to order too. Unlike Maryland, it's hardly even greasy. It's all about ordering a number five (three pieces of original chicken, two hot wings, fries and a drink) then having an extra portion of wings on top. Hmm, dem wings.

ADD ON: I wrote this a few days ago but didn't finish it, and yesterday I went to Peri Peri but forgot my purse so only had the change in my pocket and they said I could anything I wanted and just pay whenever. WHAT SOUND GUYS.

NOTHING WAS THE SAME

Well Drake really pulled it out the bag, didn't he? What a sick album. Every track is peak, I've been listening to the entire album on repeat for the last month or so and I'm still not bored of it. I have seen some hilarious vines about Drake calling it 'aggressive' and that, when it really is a pretty tame album, but the sound is amazing. I can't think of anything that compares. It's like he's found the perfect ground between Young Money music and then pansy RnB like Chris Brown. If that makes any sense. It does to me. Props Drake.

How To Make A Delicious Sandwich

2013-10-21T21:45:00.000+01:00

You're hungry. You want to make a delicious sandwich. Then when you get into the kitchen you realise... you don't know how to make aforementioned sandwich. WELL NOT ANYMORE. This will be, without a doubt, one of the best things that will ever enter your mouth.

STEP 1: THE BREAD

Make sure it's fresh, soft and not mouldy.

STEP 2: THE SAUCE

Sauce first?! What is the madness? It's the way forward my friends.

STEP 3: THE MEAT

A bit of sweet and spicy chorizo to get things started.

STEP 4: MORE MEAT

Next add some salami, preferably with a garlic kick to it to get all the flavour going.

STEP 5: SMOKED CHEESE

Make sure all of the meat is covered, none of the Subway two pieces rubbish.

STEP 6: EVEN MORE MEAT

A bit of rich prosciutto to finish off the meaty mix.

STEP 7: THE MONTEREY JACK

This might even be the most important part of the entire sandwich. Put as much on as possible.

STEP 8: THE GRILL

Make sure you watch it, get the bread nice and crispy and the cheese nice and melty.

STEP 9: THE GARNISH AND ENJOYMENT

This is down to personal preference but I recommend a bit of lettuce, maybe some sweetcorn, a sprinkling of salt and a bit of BBQ sawse.

The Things They Don't Tell You About Uni

2013-10-17T16:12:00.000+01:00

By Gracie Bawden

So you’re at college, and you’re considering going to uni. You’re more than considering it because it is being rammed down your throat by teachers and other students implying that if you don’t go you’ll be working in Starbucks for the rest of your life. And don’t get me wrong, education is important, but it’s important also to remember that your college lecturers hold biased opinions. For a start, it looks great for the college if like 90% of their students go on to do degrees. Secondly, even if your lecturers are wonderful people who don’t care about the college statistics, they are likely to have had a very positive experience of university. After all, they have a job in their field. They’re already doing better than most. You’re probably not getting the whole picture. So here are some things, from a disillusioned second year, that they don’t tell you about uni.

It’s hard. Really hard. The amount of times I heard phrases like ‘A levels are the hardest thing you’ll ever do’ and ‘It’s so much easier when you get to study what you’re passionate about’ being banded around makes me feel sick. Degree level essays are harder and COMPLETELY DIFFERENT to anything you would have done before. Your opinion no longer matters. You will spend hours searching journals and library books for the opinions of people you don’t care about on subjects you probably don’t care about.
Most university courses are computer based. All of your homework and assignment details will be visible online, lots of your work will be submitted online and EVERYTHING you hand in will be computer processed. Computer failure will not be an acceptable excuse for missing a deadline. Even if you lose everything you have written ten minutes before the deadline, you will fail.
Student Finance are the spawn of Satan. Scratch that, they may be Satan himself. Dodgy website, useless phone operators, shitty attitude. There is a large chance you won’t get your loan on time. It doesn’t matter if you have rent to pay, text books to buy, they don’t care! They’ll palm you off with some ‘ask your parents for money’ bull as though your parents are just cash machines, handing it out willy nilly.
When your loan does come through, there is a large chance it will not be as much as you anticipated. There is a large chance you will have to get a job in order to be able to eat and other important stuff. But guess what?…
University is a FULL TIME job. Yes, you get a lot of ‘spare time’. In fact you may get as little as 5 or 6 teaching hours a week but unless you want to fail miserably, you will be spending the rest of your time doing independent work (or at least curled up in the fetal position crying about said work)
Uni lecturers are there to help. And a lot of the time, they want to (though it is worth mentioning, some definitely don’t). But they are busy people. Despite the fact that you are paying £9000 a year to be at university, they will only be able to see you to discuss your work at a time that suits them. Bearing in mind that lectures and seminars really aren’t there to help you with your assignments, it can sometimes feel like you’re very alone.
Some degrees are undeniably easier than others, and some undeniably hold less worth in the real world. You might love to study what you’re passionate about, but ultimately you have to ask yourself if it’s worth the stress and money. Equally you should consider whether it’s worth doing something you hate, just because you think you’ll earn loads of money at the end of it. Chances are, if you hate what you study, you’ll hate the job that it leads to.
You will have a weekly existential crisis due to all of the above.

It’s not all doom and gloom. You will be thrown into groups of people you’d never normally associate yourself with, and you’ll come away from it with fantastic friends from all walks of life. You’ll get to see a city you’ve possibly never seen before, and understand what it feels like to have the privilege of two homes, two places you love, two sets of people you love. You get to spread your wings without fear of poking your parents in the eyes, do things you’d never get away with at home. You get to learn stuff! And that’s pretty frickin’ awesome, when you actually think about it. But it all comes at a cost. And it’s definitely worth considering a lot more deeply than I did. It seems like one minute you’re whacking your details into UCAS and the next you’re having a breakdown, crying into the pages of a pragmatics and semantics book. It’s far too easy to forget to take a breather and consider what you actually want from life, when you want it, and the best way to get it.

Five Songs to Listen to Whilst Moody

2013-10-15T22:10:00.000+01:00

The 'Angry' Moody

Break Stuff - Limp Bizkit

The 'Just Leave Me To Die' Moody

Asleep - The Smiths

The 'It Always Happens To Me' Moody

Youth - Daughter

The 'PMS' Moody

Resentment - Beyoncé

The 'I'm so damn lonely' Moody

Sloe Gin - Joe Bonamassa

What Does Your Drink Say About You?

2013-09-24T21:31:00.000+01:00

Drinking... everyone does it. Your friends do it, your parents do it, your lecturers do it. But the question is, what does your drink say about you? Every time you order a drink, people will look at it and automatically make a judgement of your character, and this is what they think.

Grey Goose

Celebrity drink-a-like: Drake
Typical quote: "Hey baby, got VIP tonight; you, me, party. Pick you up at 8, wear something sexy.'

Jack Daniels & Coke

Celebrity drink-a-like: Kid Rock
Typical outfit: "I got this t-shirt back in '94 at a Guns N Roses gig. I haven't washed it since."

Vodka & Energy Drink

Celebrity drink-a-like: David Guetta
Typical quote: "Let's get steaming and party til 6am! Actually, fuck that, let's never stop partying!"

Sex On The Beach

Celebrity drink-a-like: Regina George, Mean Girls
Typical quote: "This is like, totally delicious! Just what I need after the improving my bod session I had earlier... I mean I ran for like, 20 minutes!"

Scotch

Celebrity drink-a-like: Lord Sugar
Typical quote: "Agreed, the economical state of the current climate is abhorrent. Tof tof."

Guinness

Celebrity drink-a-like: Sean Bean
Typical quote: "I stand for justice... not mercy."

Gin & Tonic

Celebrity drink-a-like: Nick Clegg
Typical quote: "I'm quite the introvert, you know. Politics is only one of my interests, I also like... erm... mathematics."

Carlsberg

Celebrity drink-a-like: Jay, The Inbetweeners
Typical quote: "Hmm, that bird is well fit. I'd well do that. Hey man, check that bird!"

Water

Celebrity drink-a-like: CM Punk
Typical quote: "It's all about being straight edge man, I don't wanna poison my body."

Wine

Celebrity drink-a-like: Ernest Hemmingway
Typical quote: "I love the character development of Scout throughout To Kill A Mockingbird. Truly striking novel."

Ale

Celebrity drink-a-like: Foggy, Last of the Summer Wine
Typical quote: "In my day, we used to have to eat peanuts for dinner and wash our clothes in the river, you kids don't understand how good you've got it."

Vodka & Lemonade

Celebrity drink-a-like: Every fresher in every film or programme ever made
Typical quote: "Being a fresher is wiiiiicked, let's get wasted."

Pimms

Celebrity drink-a-like: Millie, Made in Chelsea
Typical quote: "Being English is so wonderful, let's go out for afternoon tea and then go and ride our horses. I want to ride Paddington Rover today."

Martini

Celebrity drink-a-like: Brian, Family Guy
Typical quote: "Yeah, so I was driving round in my Benz when
phone rings
Sorry, I have to take this, it's business."

Bloody Mary

Celebrity drink-a-like: Roger, American Dad
Typical quote: "Can you make it a triple? My hangover is refusing to leave today."

Rum

Celebrity drink-a-like: Captain Jack Sparrow
Typical quote: "I was only arrested for assault once... and it was all a misunderstanding. He misunderstood what 'don't touch me' meant."

Tequila

Celebrity drink-a-like: Penny, Big Bang Theory
Typical quote: "Salt, lemon, shot, shot, shot, lemon, shot, salt, lemon, shot... taxi."

24 Inspirational Quotes To Get You Through The Day

2013-09-12T22:20:00.000+01:00

Life is hard, there is no denying that.

Sometimes you just wanna sack off work and stay in bed.

Sometimes you just wanna skip uni and go and get drunk instead.

Sometimes you're that sick of your situation, you just wanna run away.

WELL, my dear readers, I'm hear to tell you it's going to be okay.

Here's a collection of inspirational quotes from musicians, writers and some pretty wise people.

11 Foods Made For 3am Eating

2013-09-12T22:07:00.002+01:00

We've all been in that position when, after several minutes of attempting to open the door, we reach the kitchen in a drunken state and are stuck with the predicament of what to eat. It's important to have the most incredibly delicious meal of your life at the moment but you can never decide...

Well, here's a little list of the best food you could possibly eat at 3am to fill that junk food shaped hole in your stomach.

Chips

With anything. Chips with beans. Chips with gravy. Chips with cheese. Chips with chips. You can't go wrong.

Some Kind of Toasted Sandwich

It is socially acceptable to put anything in a toastie... as long as it's accompanied by copious amounts of cheese.

Deep Pan Meat Filled Cheese Covered Pizza

You said it, Joey.

An Oversized Sandwich

Everyone knows when you're drunk, you become an eating champion and can manage anything. Make a sandwich with the contents of anything and everything from your kitchen and it's pretty much guaranteed to be amazing.

Nutella

Straight out the jar with a spoon is the only way,

The EPIC burger

This can be made using any form of food, the more the better.

Any form of unhealthy chicken

Fried chicken, popcorn chicken, chicken nuggets, southern fried chicken, chicken breast... it's all good.

Cakes, biscuits, chocolate more cake...

Nom nom nom.

Crisps

Every student has a packet of crisps somewhere in their cupboards. Who cares how old they are?

Rustlers

One minute in the microwave and you're on the road to deliciousness.

A Super Noodle Sandwich

Delicious noodles for your taste buds and carby bread to soak up the booze in your belly for a less hungover morning. We salute you noodle sandwich.

And finally, if you get home in your drunken state and there is no food available.... head to your local kebab shop where you will be welcomed with open arms. Probably.

17 Places You'll Fall Asleep While Your A Student

2013-09-10T21:25:00.000+01:00

Life is tiring and sleeping in your own bed isn't always an option. You'll fall asleep in the following places where coffee isn't available, you've run out of pro plus, there isn't a can of Red Bull in sight and you can just feel your head drooping...

In The Bath

because the bath is already known as a place of rest... kind of.

On A Train

because it's not like you're going anywhere any time soon.

In A Lecture

because you can always check the notes online.

On A Random Patch Of Grass On Your Walk Home

because it's more appealing that continuing your mission of a walk.

On The Kitchen Floor

because a kitchen has all the drunken supplies you need; food and water.

On Your Grandma's Sofa

because everyone needs a rest after a Sunday dinner.

In A Uni Cafe

because home is too far to walk when you have a lecture soon.

In Your Garden

because your still outside yet not too far from homely goodness.

In The Library

because it's what a library is for, isn't it?

At Work

because sleeping and getting paid for it is the best.

In A Taxi

because you just needed to close your eyes for a minute.

Next To A Stranger

because you had one to many and lost all your friends.

On The Toilet

because it can provide a good head rest.

At An Airport

because travelling has it's downside.

On Your Doorstep

because you swear the door keeps moving and you can't get the key in the lock.

In A Field

because you're a hippie at heart.

On A Park Bench

because it was the closest thing to a bed around.

FEAR AND LOATHING IN BOOMTOWN

2013-08-23T00:51:00.000+01:00

CHAPTER ONE: The Girl Who Had The Sizeable Amount Of Acid

It's the first day at Boomtown and I just don't know what life is any more. Every person I'm seeing has eyes the size of saucers and unnatural smiles that could haunt your dreams. That's right, everyone is buzzing. After spending the night wandering around the city of Boom, it's time for some food with my good friend Mark. Every wreck head and hippie food you could possibly want was there, toasties, pizza, cakes, vegan stuff, jacket potatoes… as you'd expect. Anyway, I digress, as I'm ordering my food a girl behind me is swirling around saying "I'm so floaty, I'm so floaty". I catch Mark's eye and we turn around to see what wonders drugs have done to this human. To my surprise, I see a very respectable through and through Winchester girl. For those of you that don't know what a Winchester girl is, imagine an incredibly posh, well-spoken and conservative twenty year old that has clearly lead a very privileged life. She introduces herself in a rather formal manner, I say hello and Mark follows suit by saying 'Yo". Being from the Midlands, this is a standard way of saying hello, but to this girl, it was obscure. She followed up by saying "s'up! Haha. Sorry, I'm not from the ghetto… you'll have to forgive me, I've had a sizeable amount of acid."

CHAPTER ONE POINT FIVE: The Robbery

Unfortuately, the festival wasn't all laughs, giggles and crazy shit. After my first night, I was absolutely shattered and kind of inhebriated. I fell asleep in my own tent (which I abandoned after the first night) with my purse in my bag next to my head. I must have fallen asleep around midnight and I awoke at 5am because I was absolutely freezing. When I woke, I saw my tent was open and it was raining, so all my things, and most importantly me, was getting incredibly wet. I was sure I shut my tent when I went to sleep, but shook it off and went to get some rizla out my bag. Then I saw my bag was missing… and it clicked. I looked to the entrance of my tent and there was my bag, and my purse… open… with £130 cash missing out of it. The pricks that robbed me didn't even leave me a tenner to get back or for food. However, not one to have my spirit dampened, I woke up Mark who came and stayed in my tent, had a fat wake and bake and fell back to sleep; ready for the maddest weekend of my life, with or without money.

CHAPTER TWO: The Full Body Orgasm

Balloons. Balloons everywhere. Canisters everywhere. Nos (nitrous oxide, a legal high which you crack into a whipped cream dispenser, put into a balloon and breathe in and out) was big at Boomtown and I'd never even seen it before. One girl, which I'll call Casey, bought three balloons and went back to our tent along with two friends of mine, Gracie and Stefan. Casey wasn't experienced in nos and sat in a simple camping chair, ready to take her second or third hit. Dressed in gym shorts and a bikini top, Casey had sweat dripping from her back due to the heat but was too excited for the feeling of coming up to care. As she was coming up, her entire body started to tingle and she stood up and took a step forward to Stef, putting her arms around him as he touched her lower back. It was clear for the few second of high nos causes, her entire body was in intense pleasure and human contact only enhanced the feeling. After around thirty seconds, she sat back down and was completely normal and rolled herself a cigarette, as an average person would after sex. It was then I realised that that hit of nos affected Casey the same way in which a full body orgasm would. I wonder if she replaced sex with nos. I would.

CHAPTER THREE: The Wedding

Gracie Bawden and her wonderful partner got married and it was crazy. I won't even go into the proposal which was unreal. It was 1.30pm on Sunday and everyone (everyone we were camping with, Bigtopp and essentially everyone else we knew that was at Boomtown) gathered round the inflatable church to watch the union between a rather intoxicated bride and a possibly sober, possibly ruined (it became hard to tell after a while) groom. During the… unconventional service, the congregation hailed Satan, praised Jesus and revelled at many other deities. The vows were not as beautiful as expected, being something along the lines of "She's okay" and "he'll do" but it was clear there was love behind it. Sort of.

CHAPTER FOUR: The MDMAzing Trip

This was a beautiful moment. I bumped into a friend from university who was with two of his friends in my now favourite place, The Hidden Woods. I ended up spending a couple of hours with them all and after a short time in the woods, we went to the tent where the three had a bomb each of MDMA. Now, the important part of this chapter is my friend whom I shall name Hunter. He's quite a character and to be honest, a pretty a big hippie, but is one of the nicest and most genuine people you will ever met. He's filled with so much love for other people and the world. The MDMA only eventuated it and my goodness, was it a beautiful site to behold. We'd walked up to the main stage and The Skints had just started playing. Hunter was standing next to me and I looked at him and I have never seen anyone so at peace with the world. It's hard to explain because it was such a life changing and surreal moment. He was moving to the music but his movements were so natural, it was as if he was on his own in this field made into a town. In his face, he was so content, he was looking around, up at the beautiful clear, blue sky with the sun shining down, at the amazing band on stage doing entertaining the huge crowd of a diverse demographic of people on an even more diverse demographic of drugs. He, and his mind, were separate from the world at that point; Hunter was observing and feeling in a way I had never seen before. We were in an environment that was so interactive and engrossing yet he wasn't there, it was like he was in a protective bubble separate from the world. It was entirely different to anyone I'd seen on Mandy before, usually there sweaty, talkative and dancing like mad men but it just made Hunter an entirely at peace. I damn near fell in love with him at that moment in time.

CHAPTER FIVE: The Guys That Taught Me The Sesh Is Never Over

That's it. Boomtown was over. I was on the horribly long train journey home and I was not happy. Two hours down and I still hadn't spoken to anyone on the train which is unusual for me and there was so many delays and pointless stops, my bad mood was only getting worse. Then I hear the sound, the unmistakeable sound… someone was cracking nos. Now, if someone on a train from Winchester is cracking nos the chances are, they went to Boomtown. I packed up my bag and went to find these people, naughty enough to do legal drugs on a train. A few seats down I see them and take a seat next to them. Whilst sharing round a balloon, I start getting to know them and shit me, they were crazy. But the good kind of crazy, not the why haven't they been sectioned yet crazy. One of them caught my eye in particular, his name is Paddy, pictured below. Rugged, cheeky and acting rather inappropriately, he maintained my attention for the rest of the journey home. At one point, I was asked if I wanted to take any cash out the bank which translates to do you fancy sniffing a line? Although I turned it down, Paddy definitely had no problem in partaking.

FINALLY, A MASSIVE SHOUT OUT TO WOMBLE, THE LIFE SAVER.

I was in a bad place and this man sat next to be for two hours whilst I said next to nothing, except occasionally murmuring about how close to death I was. He is a great man.

Love from us,

The Boomtowners of 2013