One Sweet Family - Our Adoption Adventure

Baby Boy needs a home!

2011-12-20T14:27:00.000-05:00

Looking for a family for a healthy newborn African American baby boy with Down syndrome. Birth family would like an open adoption with several visits each year, so the family would have to be within easy driving distance of Oklahoma City. Email tracie@christianadoptionconsultants.com if you are interested.

From Hair to There.

2011-12-02T11:23:00.001-05:00

One thing I both love and hate about having a little girl is doing her hair. I have actually come to embrace it more than I thought I might. Even though ND mostly battles me on it right now she is starting to get the point that she just has no choice. Either I do her hair or else! (Not that she cares much about the else right now, she'd go around looking like Diana Ross on crack all the time if I let her, but I digress...)

Her hair at birth was very soft with small curls that could be easily maintained. Now, almost 2 years later, she still has the same tight curls but the texture is much different. Not too coarse, but not soft either. As most of us do I have a closet chock full of half used products. I have pretty much settled on about 4 - 5 that I really like and just cycle through those.

Baby hair...

Versus now hair...

Finally Finalized.

2011-11-18T13:07:00.001-05:00

Yesterday we finally finalized our daughter ND's adoption. Finally. She is now 19 months old. It took all this time for a variety of reasons, none of them legal, just getting everything in order.

We actually had to call in to the court this time and "appear" before the judge. Since we finalized in another state we did not have to appear in person thankfully. The state she was born in is 12 hours away! It was more emotional that I thought it would be even though we were not there in person. For some adoptive parents it is a day filled with joy and even parties. Not for me. I know what this finalization means for her first family and that breaks my heart. How can rejoice and party in the face of another's pain?

Of course the day was also happy - but mostly for the reason that ND is now fully and legally entitled to all that a natural child of ours would be. This is what E wanted. For her to be a full member of our family. And now she is and for that we are eternally grateful.

You're stuck with us now, little girl!

It's been awhile...

2011-08-22T16:20:00.000-04:00

Wow. It's been awhile since I've written anything here. The months have flown by this year and I cannot believe we are already entering the school season. KJ will be going to preschool 2 full days this year. The poor kid just needs to get out of the house. He is very outgoing and rambunctious (to say the least) so I know he is going to LOVE school. I still can't believe he is old enough for preschool but they do say it goes fast, and it sure does.

I miss blogging and at the same time I know I made the right choice by stepping away for a while. I am not the type to share a lot of pictures of my kids online (other than Faceb*ok where I can control who sees them) and writing about heavy adoption stuff a lot can sure wear on you! As my kids grow I can already see some questions popping up here and there. For the most part KJ is still pretty clueless and could care less. I try to explain to him about babies and tummies but he just has no interest. He'd rather play cars or trains and snuggle. I want to let him revel in this innocence for as long as possible. The closest we've gotten to any discussion of adoption is his recent revelation that his feet are brown and mommy's are "peach". This doesn't mean much to him now, but he also has realized that ND (his little sis) is also brown. Whew! We prayed and prayed when the second child joined us that he or she would be just who God intended and she sure is! Our hearts wanted another black child for KJ but we are so against those damn check lists we couldn't even bring ourselves to check African American only (even though that is the least checked!). I am glad God heard our hearts (and that of little King-man too). God is good and gracious even when we wonder and wander. :)

Here's a picture of my (not so little) little ones this summer at Asbury Park.

Black History Month as an Adoptive Parent.

2011-02-15T16:05:00.000-05:00

Hi Friends! I have been taking a bit of a sabbatical in order to concentrate more on my little ones and myself. I did, however, recently write a guest post for the blog at MLJ Adoptions. You can check it out here. Be well!

Adoption Downer.

2010-11-30T15:56:00.000-05:00

I'm pretty sure that many would classify me as an adoption downer. I mean, come on now, I often talk about how hard adoption is, how badly I feel for my children's birth families, how I wish there were no need for adoption, how adoption really should be a last resort, etc. etc.

And the truth is? All of those things I say ARE true. But none of them negate the joy I feel for my children or the love I have for their first mothers. Or how much I love that adoption brought them into my life. How strongly I feel connected to them even tho we share no blood connection. How I don't care that our skin does not match. How I adore each moment with them even when it's 3:30am and ND is screaming. Or bedtime and KJ is telling me "No! Oh crap, mama!" for the twentieth time that evening. None of the 'hard' things about adoption matter when I see them. But it does make me appreciate them oh-so-much more. I truly do not think any mother could appreciate or love her child more.

For me the way in which they came to me just makes me love them that much more - not less! The hard parts make it better - not worse! The fact that they have another woman's eyes, hair or cheek bones doesn't make me sad - it makes me happy. It makes me realize what a gift I have and how I am loving them for both of us through our day-to-day lives.

So yah, sometimes I am a downer. But it is for all the right reasons. I never want to take these perfect and priceless gifts for granted. Never.

TWO Thanksgivings!

2010-11-18T12:06:00.000-05:00

This weekend we head to my in-laws in Philadelphia for the weekend, then on Tuesday night we head to my mom's in Providence. We get two Thanksgivings!

When KJ was little I had this ridiculous turkey get-up that my dad had got him. I wish I still had it so ND could endure the same torture as her brother. ;) Maybe I should find something similar. I'm pretty sure I gave it to my friend whose son is now around ND's age.

Tomorrow I am taking the day off to go to Philly early and shop with my sis-in-law. She hates to shop but hates her job more so she took the day off too. A good compromise if you ask me. I have yet to buy even ONE Christmas gift. Oh wait. That's a lie. I bought Toy Story 3 for my kids, but that is it. Blah. I really don't like Christmas shopping. I'm not very organized about it and I always feel like I'm forgetting something. I'm using a lot of coupons and Grou*pons this year to save money too.

Do you have big plans for the holiday?

Orphan Sunday

2010-11-07T20:54:00.000-05:00

Today was Orphan Sunday. Again days like these stir up so many emotions within me - so much to do, but *how* to do it?

I'm still getting some really good feedback on the post I wrote here about how the church responds to the "orphan crisis". No one denies that there is indeed a crisis. But how we go about responding is of just as much importance as acknowledging the problem is there. So many things create an orphan crisis - what are we doing about them to prevent the crisis from growing?

AIDS

Famine

Lack of income

Lack of capital

DEBT

Waiting SN Infant.

2010-10-25T11:53:00.000-04:00

Could you provide a home for little "Joshua"?

Just an FYI: Webcast on Adoption Tax Credit.

2010-10-04T15:50:00.000-04:00

You are Invited to a Webcast:

Helping American Families:

The Adoption Tax Credit and the Affordable Care Act

Date: Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Time: 12:30 PM Eastern, 11:30 AM Central, 10:30 AM Mountain, 9:30 AM Pacific

Watch live at: www.hhs.gov/live

You are invited to join senior administration officials and leading advocates for a webcast to discuss the importance of the Adoption Tax Credit, and the key improvements made to the Credit under the Affordable Care Act.

This event will feature two families who are benefitting from the Adoption Tax Credit and who will share their stories about what adoption has meant for their family.

They will be joined by leading advocates on the Credit: Bill Blacquiere, Bethany Christian Services; Barbara Collura, RESOLVE; and Chuck Johnson, National Council for Adoption.

White House and HHS officials will also join this roundtable.

Please forward this invitation widely.

You do not need to RSVP for this webcast.

If you have questions, email public@who.eop.gov

The internet, our kids, and TMI

2010-09-29T10:04:00.001-04:00

This post could also be titled, "Why I Don't Smatter My Kid's Pictures on the Internet (anymore) :-/".

There is a very fine line for sure when we share about our kids in a public setting. When KJ first came home I was overly excited to post his picture and splattered him all over my blog. Over the past couple of years I have taken a stricter stance in sharing my kids' images. I've become very wary of what is shared on my public blog because, let's be honest, there are some seriously creepy people out there. Not only that, but divulging too much information (TMI) can be dangerous.

There are blogs I follow where I know the family's last name, their children's (and their) first names, the town they live in (or general vicinity), etc., etc. Hello?! Do people not realize this information is something you really don't want to share with the general public. Especially the creepy creepers who hang out online? Child trafficking is a real thing, folks. Don't post a map leading them directly to your children!

Faceb-ok is a bit different (to me, anyway). You know who exactly is looking (if you set your privacy controls right). Friends there who don't know me IRL know my last name there (obviously) but I also know theirs. On my blog someone can look and I'd never know. I used to use my full name on Twi*ter but recently changed that too.

Let me let you in on another little secret. If you post an email address for use in contacting you from your Bl*gger profile, when someone hovers over it, they can see your email address without ever contacting you. If your last name is in your email address, well, now we all know it.

Maybe I am being overly cautious or whacky. But whatever. In this case it is definitely better to be safe than sorry.

More harm than good? Adoption and the church.

2010-09-21T12:43:00.000-04:00

More and more recently I have seen various churches pop up around the web with the message of "embrace adoption" - "we are called to adoption" - "the spirit of adoption", etc. etc. Yes, let's all adopt! The Bible talks about it. We should do it. It is a way to provide an alternative to abortion. Sounds good right?

But are we missing something?

I see adoption as an option, yes, but not the option.

Let's delve into the real issues of why a woman would even choose adoption. No one wants or desires to have a baby and then be separated from them. A large part of the equation often comes down to economics and beliefs about what makes a 'good' parent - can I afford this baby? can I give them what they 'need'? can I meet the standards set by society of what I should be?

Should we not as the body of believers be addressing these issues first and foremost before we jump to separating families? We are not the judge or "decider" (thanks, GWB) of what makes a good parent. Babies need love, not toys, name-brand clothes and a top-notch preschool. Let's work together to encourage these women to parent. Let's give them the tools. Let's equip them. Let's show them who they are in Christ. Let's encourage them to be that woman. Support, support, support. I can't say it enough. And no I don't mean government subsidies and hand outs. I mean real come-alongside-you support; and dare I say - love them?

From Galatians 3:

²⁸ In Christ, there is no difference between Jew and Greek, slave and free person, male and female. You are all the same in Christ Jesus.

From Philippians 2:

¹Christ encourages you, and his love comforts you. God's Spirit unites you, and you are concerned for others. ²Now make me completely happy! Live in harmony by showing love for each other. Be united in what you think, as if you were only one person. ³Don't be jealous or proud, but be humble and consider others more important than yourselves. ⁴Care about them as much as you care about yourselves.

Love - Care - Others above yourself - easier said than done. But attainable nonetheless.

Adoption is painful. It hurts someone. More than one someone usually. You wouldn't want to hurt yourself. So why would we want this pain to come to another?

I have adopted. I know it sounds ridiculous and outlandish for me to say these things. But this is my heart. My heart hurts for my kids. It hurts for their natural moms. It hurts for their other families. I know why they were placed in my family. And these reasons should not exist! It is sad. It is painful. It is also lovely and happy. It formed my family. I have joy in my children. But the reasons I have them are also ugly. I have no easy answer. I wish... I wish... and then I love. I do what I can - I love the socks off my kids because that's what their other moms would want.

Baby seeks a family.

2010-09-15T12:39:00.001-04:00

Got this today from The Shepherd's Crook Ministries. Maybe it's meant for you?

Late next month, a fifteen-year-old birth mother in Florida is set to give birth to a baby boy who has been diagnosed in utero with a mild case of spina bifida. There have been several sonograms done to examine the baby, and the hole in the spinal column looks to be very small and at the very lowest point possible. So far, no fluid has been collecting on his brain, and a second MRI is scheduled to take place soon to make certain of that.

The birth mother is going to be selecting the adoptive family, and she is quite concerned that the family that adopts this boy be a “strong, actively involved” Christian family. Interested families have been asked to submit a family profile, which is to include pictures, a letter to the birth mother, and some basic information about the family. As far as fees are concerned, we have been told by the agency that “there is a $150 application fee, a $2500 Social Service fee up front & our Placement Fee (at time of placement) is a ‘sliding scale’ based on income: 13% not to exceed $12,500.” The agency is also planning to apply for SSI approval for the adoptive family. Family profiles may be submitted, and further information may be requested by writing to florida-baby-boy-info@theshepherdscrook.org.

Sometimes the WWW is good.

2010-09-14T10:04:00.000-04:00

We often get "down" on the internet and how it has made things less personal, how it can take time away from "real" people in your life, how there is too much easy access to crap that rots your brain (well, can't argue with that one), etc. etc.

But today something really good happened. It actually transpired over the last few days. The internet drew people together, not apart. We all wanted to do something good for someone. Someone hardly any of us even really "knows" IRL (-In Real Life- See? Internet speak. Fun, huh?). But someone we all had followed on a long, winding, annoying, frustrating, journey to be a mom finally became one. Someone who showed patience and grace in her wait. She showed us all a bit about how much you can long for a child but not demand one. How you can wait, and wait, and wait and still endure without giving up.

So across the internet and across many miles a bunch of us who only know one another through @ signs on Twi.tt.er had a baby shower for Lisa. So thanks, Lisa, for drawing us together (and thanks to Jayden too!). We learned a lot from you and we hope you enjoy your gifts!

Picture update on private blog.

2010-09-11T08:27:00.000-04:00

I finally updated my private blog with some pictures of the kids from the summer. If you don't have an invite and would like one you can email me here.

Enjoy!

The dreaded baby registry.

2010-09-06T10:19:00.000-04:00

Sweet Lisa over at Waiting Lisa did a post yesterday about going to create her registry as an adoptive mom. I am not sure why it is so hard for a store to have an adoption option on the registries. Hello?! Those of us adoption usually have no idea of a "due date". And even if we do, how heartbreaking if your match falls through and the due date changes? Then you have to explain why it changed. Why not put "we are adopting!" and that's it?? Doesn't seem like it would be so hard to me... Maybe I need to write some letters. Wanna join me?

Adoption Documentaries on PBS.

2010-09-01T20:25:00.001-04:00

There are some really great adoption documentaries airing on PBS this month. Click below to find out more! I know that I plan to watch them all. I'll be commenting on each after I've viewed them. I am recording the first one tonight! (I missed it's air date yesterday.) :-/

Set straight.

2010-08-31T14:24:00.000-04:00

I've been having many woe-is-me moments over the past week. Our family is in the midst of a pretty substantial financial crisis at the moment. We are at the point of more month than money and it just never seems to improve. Mind you we are not spending money on what most would consider extravagances. We don't take costly vacations, we don't eat-out every night, we don't own fancy cars or buy our kids fancy clothes. We have tried hard over the past few years to maintain a comfortable but sensible lifestyle...and then the economy went to pot and so did our plans.

My husband was laid-off, we couldn't afford our house anymore, the unemployment ran out, I got a new job but it involved a longer commute, one of our cars died. I could go on and on.

But you know what? We are still better off than most of the world. We don't starve. We have a nice apartment. We have safe cars that don't (rarely) breakdown. We have family who love us and help us. We have people to turn to. Many throughout the world do not. So count your blessings today and not your hardships.

How rich are you?

I'm loaded.
It's official.I'm the 49,322,169 richest person on earth!

Please go read this!

2010-08-25T08:12:00.001-04:00

A Nickel's Worth of Common Sense: Open Adoption: Feelings and Actions

Jen over at "A Nickel's Worth of Common Sense" has written a wonderful post today about her experience with open adoption. It is raw, honest and a great read.

At times we don't want to think about the harder parts of maintaining an open relationship, but it is imperative that we recognize our own feelings about it and then move on. Jen does so with grace and her children's best interests at heart. Happy reading!

Out of town daddy = tired mommy.

2010-08-21T08:12:00.001-04:00

Daddy's been out of town for just over 24 hours and we miss him! Let me tell you, single parenting? Not for the faint of heart and definitely not for me. I pray I never have to experience it on a permanent basis. That's for sure.

ND has developed some weird nighttime issues. Sometimes she will sleep for a good five hours, then eat, then go right back to sleep (that was night before last). Other nights she will be up every 2-3 hours demanding to eat (that was last night). Blerg! Anyone have any advice?? I mean, I don't feed her immediately when she wakes. Last night I kept putting her back to sleep for over an hour. After her waking me up that whole time and screaming at me for food I just fed her even though I *know* she can go longer than that.

Not for the faint of heart I tell you. Not for the faint of heart.

Your really tired adoptive mama bloggy friend,

Adoption and your child's privacy.

2010-08-18T15:33:00.000-04:00

As I cruise around the world wide web a large part of my time is spent perusing adoption blogs and articles. It is a great way to get educated and connected. You can read about other's adoption stories and even become "friends" with folks you might not otherwise meet. But when it comes to adoptions and our children, how much is too much to share?

As an adoptive parent (or just a parent, period) I know how hard it is to not want to brag about your kids constantly. Who doesn't? First smile, first giggle, even first poop - we want to share it all. Just how much should we be sharing though? Sit back and think for a minute think about what things you might not want anyone to know about you when you were a child. Do you really want all of your friends and their friends to know when you first used the potty? Or when you first wet you pants? These are silly pretty innocuous things, but with adoption there is even more that can be inadvertently harmful to share regarding our children and their story.

When you adopt a child, no matter their age, their story began way before you ever became involved. Even if you adopt a newborn there are areas of their life that took place before you ever met them. Their mother has a story, their father has a story, their siblings have a story. All of these pieces make up the intricate puzzle that is your child's life story. For instance, the circumstances surrounding your child's conception are really not details you may want to share with the community at large. Do you think your own parents discuss openly how you were conceived? Or the circumstances surrounding it (were they married or unmarried, were they dating, was it a one-night-stand)? These are all things you wouldn't dream of letting or wanting your parents to talk about but they are things that I see openly discussed or alluded to when it comes to adoption.

Another example that comes readily to mind is drug or alcohol use. It is often viewed as okay to ask an adoptive parent if his or her child's first mother used any harmful substances while pregnant. Would you ever think of volunteering that information if you were the one who were pregnant? Of course you wouldn't. So please do not assume that it is okay to share that information about your child's first mother. Aside from this being a violation of her privacy, it also can set your child up for assumptions to be made about him or her. If he or she has a behavior problem? Well, it must be because his mother drank while pregnant. If she has a hard time adjusting to school? That must be because her mom smoked marijuana during the first trimester. As parents we don't want anyone to think our children are not capable of something for any reason. Let's not give others a reason to think less of our kids.

Lastly, remember that your child's story is just that - their story. You do not own your child nor do we own their personal details. We want to love, nurture and cherish them and a big part of that begins with allowing them the privacy to which they are entitled. We want them to hear the details of how they came to our family from us, not from others. Be careful what you share even with family members. Think about how you want your children to learn about the circumstances surrounding their adoption, do you want someone else to tell them or would you want it to come directly from you? As our child's parents we want them to feel safe and secure. It is our job to protect them from things that may harm them physically or emotionally. Details about their first family and adoption are best coming from you. Your child trusts you and loves you. Sharing this vital information with them directly inside of your special relationship is one way to protect them from misinformation that others may provide.

Adoption is a private matter. Even if we want to educate others let's not do so at the expense of our children's privacy. Keeping information within the confines of your family is the best way to ensure that your child, and his or her birth family, are protected.

Back from vacation.

2010-08-09T16:10:00.000-04:00

And we had a great time!

A Little Guy In Need of Parents

2010-07-17T16:34:00.001-04:00

Sharing this link from Debbie B (again!). This sweet little man needs a forever family. Maybe it's you???

Always and Forever Family: A Little Guy In Need of Parents

Adoption is not a right.

2010-07-16T15:06:00.000-04:00

I'm sure that title will rub some the wrong way, but truthfully I've never been very worried about that. Recently on Debbie B's blog she posted an article from Jurist about a court ruling in Italy that made it illegal for prospective adoptive parents to specify the race of the child they wanted to adopt. (None of these thoughts are Debbie's, btw, so please don't blame her if/when I offend you!)

The post, of course, conjured up some interesting comments and thoughts - most of which were focused on how the law was bad and no one should be made to raise a child of another race if they don't want to. Well, you know what? You don't have to. It is not your right to adopt. It is not even your right to be a parent. Not even if you want to be one really, really badly. None of us deserve the children we have whether birthed by us or not. But this is even more true in adoption. The stakes are too high and little lives too valuable to make it about YOU and what YOU want.

When you adopt a child you are gifted with a child that was not intended to be yours. I don't believe that God plants children in the wrong wombs. It is not his desire to separate mothers from children, or families from their grandchildren, nieces, cousins, etc. We are all together on this planet full of imperfection and sin. Not one of us is perfect. Adoption is a consequence of the fall. Of the issues that were never intended to befall precious and innocent children. Through no fault of their own our beautiful children are taken from their natural families and given to us. Do I think that it is a horrible and wretched thing from which no one can recover? No, of course not. But it is also not a bubbly-happy-sunshine thing either. There will be heartache and questions. Sorrow and doubts. Being the mommy who gets to answer these questions and cuddle my children when they are hurting is a privilege - but not my right.

Remove yourself from the equation for just one minute. What are your motives for wanting to be an adoptive parent. Are they selfish or are they because you want to offer a home to child who needs it? Of course we all adopt or have children because we want to be parents. There is no doubt about that. But it also is at it's heart a selfish desire. We want to fulfill something within ourselves. Something very natural. But it doesn't mean we deserve it.

More to say on the article later. The comments also stirred up (as you can see from my comment on the original post) thoughts regarding raising any child around bigots. Now that should make for a fun topic! ;)

New URL

2010-07-13T20:08:00.000-04:00

I lagged in renewing my old domain name so I've changed to a new one. Please update your readers to:

http://www.onesweetfamily.com