One Warped Woman

INTELLIGENCE

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 19:10:00 +0000

A little boy went up to his mother and asked:

"Mom, where did all of my intelligence come from?"

And she replied:

"Well, son, you obviously got it from your dad,

'cause I still have mine.'"

QUACK!

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 19:06:00 +0000

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room.
Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"
Donald frowned and said, "No."
Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.
"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.
So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.
"Yes, we do," the clerk said.
Then pulled a box out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.
The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put them on your bill?"

"Thit No!" Donald quacked, "I'll thuffocate!"

----------------------------------------------------

Friends

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Fri, 23 Sep 2011 19:03:00 +0000

A smile is a sign of joy.
A kiss is a sign of love.
A laugh is a sign of happiness.
A friend like me, well,
that is sign of damn good taste.

Shake Your Groove Thing

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Mon, 24 May 2010 08:16:00 +0000

Pull up a Cheek

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Fri, 02 Apr 2010 18:26:00 +0000

I so want these.....

Powered by ScribeFire.

Oh deer heaven!

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Fri, 12 Feb 2010 06:35:00 +0000

Updates coming soon!

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 19:55:00 +0000

O.k....so I know I've said that before and I feel no less pressed for time now than ever before but there now I have a laptop...woohoo!! So look out blogosphere...I'm baa-aaack!!!
..............well...almost.

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Sat, 22 Aug 2009 04:56:00 +0000

Birthday Beaver

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Fri, 01 May 2009 01:01:00 +0000

Have a girlfriend turning the big 50 or beyond?
Looking for that perfect gift?
Forget all that "over the hill" crap.
Enter her into the:
"Gray Beaver Club"

Leave it to a woman to come up with a clever way to celebrate all those hard earned gray hairs that as the "Queen Beaver" states are "one year closer to dyeing".

Check out her story here along with a few more products to get the giggles going around the office.

And be sure to read her blog for pictures & ideas on how other woman are naming and caring for their "Gray Beavers".

It's definitely a man thing....

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 17:39:00 +0000

ummmm...helloo-o !? Grandma

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Tue, 17 Mar 2009 17:18:00 +0000

I came across this at StumbleUpon

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Tue, 24 Feb 2009 09:03:00 +0000

Don't know where it came from so I cannot give credit where credit is due.
I also have know way of knowing if the errr..happy couple is still together.

SPEEDBUMPS

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Wed, 28 Jan 2009 21:43:00 +0000

I don't know about you, but this would slow me down! People slow down and try to 'straddle' the hole, then breathe a sign of relief they completely clear it!

This is actually a speed control device that is in use.
And it is much cheaper than speed cameras

The Moral of the Story is. . . .

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Mon, 15 Sep 2008 03:49:00 +0000

I hope I have that type of chutzpah when I'm elderly.

clipped from www.funny.com

I've got a lovely bunch of coconuts

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Wed, 10 Sep 2008 19:30:00 +0000

naaaahhh...not really.

But I do have a new computer and I don't know how to use it.

The good news...obviously....
........ a brand spanking new...drum roll please!!!...iMAC!!! (20"!!!screen)
and its gorgeous...sleek and dare I say sexy.
Old Faithful was a big, clunky, space stealing Dell and I loved her but ohhhh....
this new little beauty has seduced me. It's today's version of Adam & Eve.
They couldn't resist biting that apple and this Apple has bitten me.

The keyboard is sleek, slim and quiet...all things I'm not. But hey...opposites attract and I can't take my eyes off her. I always referred to Old Faithful as a "she" but now that this little lady is in front of me...I'm thinking it was more of a "he" named Bubba. But then again....although old and chunky, Old Faithful had qualities that I mostly associate with a woman. Smart and quick with a great memory, a gifted multi-tasker, ready to help in an instant....hey...wait a minute....old..chunky...smart....well no wonder we got along so well!!
Yep...definitely a woman!

But... back to the new gal...yes indeedy do..she's a looker. Actually she's not just a looker she's a lookey..she stares right at me through the embedded camera! (crap!...now I've got to get all slim and sexy..uhhh...yeah that'll happen) She will help me to be quiet though. No more click, click, click on the keyboard in the middle of the night. You know how in the still of the night a ticking clock sounds like Big Ben, well apparently that's how O.F.'s keyboard sounded to my husband. He'd toss, turn and sigh with every scroll...this from a man who sleeps soundly in a room full a noisy children... $%*% pain in the a......but not now...oh no...not now. This little love Apple can keep a secret...we're going to get along just fine.

However as in all new relationships we need to get to know each other better. While there is great potential for a long lasting relationship, currently we don't quite speak the same language. I know what I want from her but seem to get a little tongue tied when asking. She knows all about my favorite places but is reluctant to take me to them. And I am having a really hard time getting her to open up and share with me...but that's o.k.... after all, we just met a few hours ago (love at first sight) and I can be very patient...I'm a woman.

~~~~I Feel Pretty~~~*~

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 02:56:00 +0000

Coloring for....shhh...hair down there

Oh...and they have tattoos and stencils for your "Betty" too

The Big O

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Thu, 04 Sep 2008 00:08:00 +0000

Orgasmatron

Oh yeah, baby!!!..no batteries needed.

Click to enlarge

Rubber Duckie YOUR the ONE!

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Tue, 02 Sep 2008 00:39:00 +0000

Good vibrations!...................ad copied from Firebox.com

An icon of water-based serenity

While languishing in the bathtub, there are a number of different items that'll make your stay infinitely more pleasurable than a touch of bubbles and a few bath salts. There's the loofah for one, and a more pleasurable back scratching device hasn't been invented. There's also the rubber duck, essential for any aquatic recreation, although seldom seen at any public swimming pools for obvious reasons. The duck is an icon of water-based serenity. A beacon in the fog of a steaming hot tub. A little yellow rubber thing that floats in your bath.

Or at least it was until the arrival of I Rub My Duckie, the rubber duck with a secret weapon beneath the hood. This bright pink duck comes with a removeable feather boa and blinging Swarovski crystal on its beak. Dubbed a personal massager, this Prozac-faced pink peril houses a powerful motor that provides the user with an unlimited (well, two AA batteries kind of unlimited) source of soothing, vibrating enjoyment.

This banana boat of oscillating leisure is fully waterproof and rather than exposing sensitive electronics to that most efficient of conductors, water, this quacked up little toy is turned on and off by squeezing his back, operating a switch firmly tucked inside his rubbery torso.

Stylish packaging

Not only is I Rub My Duckie's electrical motor immune to watery seepage, it's also very quiet indeed, so there'll be no tell-tale buzzing emanating from the bathroom as you frolic naked with your duck, thus eliminating potentially embarrassing inquiries from roommates. All that stands between you and hours of watery fun with your very own duck is a simple phone call. You know it makes sense.
*******Available at Firebox.com****************

I NEED A PILL

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 01:31:00 +0000

"My husband decided life would be easier if he wired a new light switch in

the master bedroom to save us from fumbling in the dark for the lamp.

He cut through the drywall and found a stash of bottles and small boxes inside the

wall.

'Honey!' he called excitedly. 'You've got to come here and see what I found!

I ran in and quickly realized that his next task would be to fix the hole

that now led into the back of our medicine cabinet."

GIVE & TAKE

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 01:30:00 +0000

My friend is engaged in a major custody battle.

His wife doesn't want him

and

his mother won't take him back.

IT'S NEVER TOO LATE

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Sun, 29 Jun 2008 01:29:00 +0000

Concerned about fitness in my middle 40s,

I enrolled in an aerobics class.

To my dismay I walked into a room filled with much younger women

and decided to combat my nervousness with humor.

'I'm here to do my postnatal exercises.'

The instructor gave me an appraising look.

'How old is your baby?'

'Twenty-six, ' I replied."

You'll Poke Your Eye Out!

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Thu, 19 Jun 2008 05:24:00 +0000

FACT..............73%(?) of all accidents occur in the home..........
FACT............................Danger lurks everywhere......................
and
it could be creeping up on you
RIGHT NOW!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Dinged By A G-String?

Woman, 52, sues Victoria's Secret, claims injury from defective thong
JUNE 17--As she was attempting to put on a Victoria's Secret thong, a Los Angeles woman claims that a decorative metallic piece flew off the garment and struck her in the
eye, causing injuries and a new product liability lawsuit against the underwear giant. Macrida Patterson, 52, alleges that she was hurt last May by a defective "low-rise v-string" from the Victoria's Secret "Sexy Little Thing" line, according to a lawsuit filed last week in Los Angeles Superior Court. A copy of her June 9 complaint, which does not specify monetary damages, can be found below. Patterson's lawyer, Jason Buccat, told TSG that a "design problem" caused the decorative piece to come loose and strike Patterson in the eye, causing damage to her cornea. He added that the eye injury, which caused Patterson to miss a few days of work, will be "affecting her the rest of her life." Patterson is a traffic officer with L.A.'s Department of Transportation. Prior to the lawsuit's filing, Victoria's Secret officials asked to examine the garment and the decorative piece, but that request was rejected by Patterson's counsel. For those unfamiliar with "v-strings," the undergarment is the Victoria's Secret variant on the "g-string," which has long been favored in the battle against visible panty lines.

This article is taken from...............The Smoking Gun
*************************************************************

If you put on a thong and pieces coming flying off with enough force to poke your eye out...
you should not be wearing a thong in the first place!

.....although I did get whiplash once trying to pull the *%#*&@#* string out of my ass. I might have sued too had it not been for the em-bare-ass-ing rope burn.

Ladies...PLEASE...be kind to your behind!!

Granny Panties!....Granny Panties!......Granny Panties!

Perfection

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Fri, 13 Jun 2008 03:21:00 +0000

"Did you know that a proper hug can toss a thought right out of a man's head?" --to Jaenelle, Heir to the Shadows

Eduardo Verastegui

I'll always be in my 70's...

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Wed, 11 Jun 2008 05:47:00 +0000

1970's that is!!

....Yeah Baby!...that was My Generation.

I was born into a black & white world ,a poster child for 1960's suburbia, coming of age in a post-psychedelic world of Disco balls, Dancing Queens and DayGlo.
What a time to be a teen with Dance Fever!

.........*****************...........*************************...........****************.........

I recently came across one of those "you know your are from..." email list (which I usually ignore) that took me by surprise. It was "you know you were a girl in the 70's if..." The first line (repeated below) caught my eye and though many of the others did not apply to me, the memories came flooding back to me and I hope my list does the same for you.

So get out your bean bag chair, pour yourself a Fresca and be young again with me.......

The 70's is your generation if.....

. . . you wore that rainbow shirt that was half-sleeves and the rainbow went up one sleeve, across your chest and down the other.
. . . you owned a bicycle with a floral banana seat, handlebars as high as your head (with long ribbons and a basket. In the early 80's you moved onto the ever popular 10 speed. Gosh that seat hurt.
. . . your started out on metal roller skates that go stretched & locked with a "key and then graduated to the "Professional" shoe skates (white) that laced up like granny boots
. . . . while we're on skaters you had or desperately wanted a "Dorothy Hamill Do"
. . . you wore psychedelic & paisley bell bottoms with midriff tops (and looked cute not trashy.
. . .you caught lightening bugs, wore flip flops and played "red light, green light"
. . .you carried a metal lunch box to school with a thermos inside. Inside the thermos was glass that broke the first time you dropped it(probably within the first two weeks)
. . . your t.v. had knobs that clicked and rabbit ear antennas

. . .Admit it......you thought Gopher from Love Boat was cute BUT not as cute as Davey Jones. You never missed an episode of The Monkeys. Hey..heyyyyyyyyy
. . . you had rubber boots for rainy days (galoshes) that you pulled over your shoes, owned a smelly, rubber rain coat & tied a plastic triangle over your head.
Later you had a " bubble umbrella and lace up granny boots....ohhhh...remember granny skirts, mood rings and chokers!?!
. . . you wore snow suits,clip on mittens and wrapped your feet in plastic before putting on your snow boots
.. . . you had either a "bowl cut" or a "pixie" because your Mom was sick of braiding your hair. How traumatic when people thought you were a boy.

. . . your sleeping bag was a prized possession and you took it on sleepovers with the girls.
******you got your first period at a sleepover and were wearing white pants******** .....oh wait..that was me!
. . . you owned several"ponchos" most crocheted by your mom (who was also into macramé planters) & wore toe socks with your clogs.
. . .you dressed to the hilt for Easter..tights, new patent leather shoes, matching purse & a straw hat.. and your mother wore hats of bright colors with fake flowers or ones with a gazillion shiny discs all over it..
You wore a bathing cap to go swimming that made a frightening noise when you took it off.....like it was sucking out your brain.

. . . you used to tape record songs off the radio by holding your portable tape recorder up to the speaker.

Jeans were called "Dungarees". All the males in your family owned a "Leisure suit" And your mom wore Velore "Track Suits" and Jogging Ensembles. ................hahahahaha....MY mother jogging....hahahahahah
. . .wore your Sunday clothes to go "shopping on the Avenue"
. . .Adored the Flying Nun, wanted to dress like "That Girl" (Oh, Donald), watched General Hospital from the beginning and dropped everything to be at "Luke & Laura's wedding"
. . . Tattoos were for Bikers, big hoop earrings for Tramps, Black nail polish for bad girls and you only got your ears pierced..once!
. . . passed the time with a yo-yo, Frisbee, hoola-hoop or a slinky.
. . .went to dances at "The Social Hall"
. . .went through a lot of chalk on the sidewalks
. . .wanted to be a "Safety" at school and get to "clap the erasers"
. . ."Trick or Treated" until midnight and walked to school the next day
. . .your most favoritist thing was a powder blue Snow White watch that you kept in your jewelry box...the one with the beautiful twirling ballerina
. . .had a Thumbelina doll, Chatty Cathy or Betsy Wetsy...maybe "Mrs Beasley" too
. . .thought of Sissy, Buffy, Jody, Mr French and Uncle Bill as family
. . .saw Herbie the love bug, the Towering Inferno and "Billy Jack" at the "theater" and probably watched "Nanny & the Professor, the Banana Splits and the roller derby on t.v.
. . .had a P.O.W. bracelet and still remember the name on it
********** I do.....Staff Sgt. Russell T Bott...
...................I wonder if I can find out anything? I've always wondered.............

************************************************************************************
Well..I'd better stop for now.
There's tears in my eyes and I'm feeling kind of sad. I guess we really did have nothing & everything at the same time. We were safe and we were free...roaming the neighborhood barefoot from sun up to sun down & beyond. And where ever we went & whatever we did our mom's knew it. Our doors were unlocked, our windows were open and somebody always had an eye on us. The world has changed & we can't give that "safe neighborhood" to our children & grandchildren but we can share the memories.

No matter what stage your girls are in (or mood) they really do get a kick out of hearing your corny story.
So.....
Print this out, call your daughters and go pop some Jiffy Pop.
Then look up some "grade school buddies" and email them this
And if you are still fortunate to be able to do so...CALL YOUR MOM!

Please pass this on.....Peace, man.

...la...la...la..laaaaaaa....feel'n groovey....

Idle Chatter

noreply@blogger.com (Mare) — Tue, 03 Jun 2008 15:56:00 +0000

"Here's a good conversation starter, maybe not at the dinner table but perhaps while he's waiting for coffee (or sex hahah).....

Men love to give advice.
It makes them feel impotent..err..important."