One Whipped Mother

Goodbye

2008-09-09T19:02:00.002-04:00

If I do post again on here, it certainly won't be any time soon. Go ahead and update your bookmarks.

It's been swell.

My Brother...

2008-09-01T23:19:00.003-04:00

Is one magnificent bastard.

Sacred Shopping

2008-08-27T12:17:00.002-04:00

So yesterday, after Lar and I took the boy to visit his new first grade teacher and classroom, we decided to go to CVS for some snacks. As we pulled into the parking lot, Brandon excitedly hopped up and down in his seat and said this:

"Oh, awesome! We're at Jesus Penney's already?"

Um.

I, of course, asked him to repeat what he'd just said.

Yes, he'd said "Jesus Penney's."

When I laughed (way too much, like a loon), my boy got all embarrassed and said, "I know this isn't Jesus Penney's, Mom! We're at CBS!"

Excellent, my little man. Excellent.

No Respect for the Hill?

2008-08-23T09:09:00.003-04:00

I like Joe Biden, really I do...But I can't help feeling as if I've been played. I mean, what the hell was going on in Obama's big Skeletor head when he was making his short list, huh?

Let's imagine that scenario, just for fun, 'kay?

Mid-afternoon, Barack Obama's office, Hart Senate Office Building. The smooth yet disturbing sounds of REM mingles with soft laughter, papers rustling, coffee cups settling against saucers.

Barack Obama sits at his desk, sleeves rolled to his elbows, brow furrowed in extreme concentration.

Obama: Jeepers, so many fine folks to choose from! Lessee, for starters we have...Joe Biden...Like that guy. Good man. Solid. Definitely would appeal to bluecollar voters. Experience up the yingyang. What is it -- thirty years or more? Honest, almost to a fault...

Advisor #1: Yeah, "honest." Like when he referred to you as "articulate" and "clean"?

The room vibrates with poorly hidden "inside" laughter.

Obama: Hush, boy. Okay, so he's a bit...Odd. At times. Likes to suckle his foot now and then, but I enjoy a man who has no mental filter, you know?

Advisor #4: Sir, Clinton? Shouldn't we --

Advisor #2: Hey, what about that Bayh guy?

Advisor #3: Um, dude. Bayh? And who would this "Bayh" be?

Obama: Yes! Good call. Put 'im on the list.

Advisor #3: But, who is he?

Obama: Never you mind. Onward, then...All right, I'm liking Richardson. What say you?

Advisor #4: [loudly} Excuse me, sir, but what about Hillary Clinton? She's --

Advisor #1: You know who would be great? Tim Caine, man. He's totally awesome! Used to play racquetball with the guy way back when...

Obama: Sure, why not? Certainly couldn't hurt to have him on board, being that Virginia's a red state and all.

Advisor #3: Tim who?

Advisor #4: [exasperated] Hillary Clinton, sir? Wouldn't it be prudent to --

Advisor #2: Kathleen Sebelius!

Advisor #3: Seriously, now, I feel like such a 'tard, but, who...?

Obama: Most excellent! Superb! Might quiet down those pesky Clinton shrews.

Advisor #1: Jospehine Kumquaticas!

Obama: Beautiful! I like it!

Advisor #2: Frank P. Doodlepants!

Obama: Brilliant!

Advisor #3: [perplexed, but willing to play] Danderous Macintosh!

Obama: Now you're talking! Keep 'em coming, people!

Advisor #4: [sheepishly] Hillary Clinton?

An aide sticks her head into the room and announces that the pizzas have been delivered.

Advisor #1: Mmmm, pizza!

Obama: There'd better be pineapples...Pineapples are important. They give the pizza pie a certain glamor, right? A sensuous shock to the tastebuds...An unexpected slap to the senses that is both invigorating and comforting.

Advisor #4 runs from the room, weeping.

Obama: Geezy-wheezy! What's up with her?

5:00 a.m., April 28,2008

2008-04-29T19:14:00.003-04:00

For my mother, Suzanne Marie.

The suffering has ended.

It's Bad

2008-04-26T03:13:00.002-04:00

My mother has been going downhill -- rapidly -- since she began receiving "comfort" care a little under a month ago.

It has been unbelievably hard for me to see her this way. Most days, I do not want to visit her. The cancer is obviously in her brain now. Sometimes, she speaks like a six-year-old. Sometimes she calls out for her mommy.

And there are other things too awful to mention.

We finally found a good hospice house that will take her in, and I'm supposed to meet with them next Tuesday, but I feel in my bones she won't be leaving the hospital.

You know, I've witnessed loved ones go through the dying process before, but I've never, ever seen the agony my mother is going through.

I thought that was the stuff of fiction.

I swear to god, never saw anything like it...

Chemtrails Are Pretty!

2008-04-18T01:54:00.005-04:00

These pictures were taken in my backyard at approximately 10:30 a.m. Thursday morning.

These criss-crosses, which were observed by me, my kids, and my brother, were also seen in the skies while driving to see my mom in the hospital around 11:00 a.m. The otherwise clear, blue skies were covered in these patterns.

When we returned, those trails were still visible, though dispersed and "fattened," at approximately 12:30 p.m.

Although I've noticed this phenomenon for a couple of years now, it has been occurring more frequently in the last year or so.

I Now Know Who My Favorite Candidate Is

2008-04-15T10:25:00.002-04:00

Eh, I've been posting little content and many videos lately, but due to my visiting Mom at the hospital almost every day -- lengthy visits at that -- I haven't the time to think and write clearly enough for neither intelligent commentary nor pithy anecdotal shlimjollipers, yet I still feel the need to communicate what lurks within my addled brain...

Mom'll soon be moved to a lovely "comfort home," which will be most excellent. Where they have her now (palliative care unit) is so craptastic, it defies explanation. No private bathroom (there's a darling little potty that pulls out from the wall, though -- how grand), and no real walls to separate patients (particle board partitions). I mean, really, you can hear the old guy next door when he farts, for god's sake.

Used to be a neonatal intensive care unit, see, but they jerry-rigged it into some semblance of a hospice facility. This will not do.

We're just waiting for an opening at the comfort house right now.

Anyway, I enjoyed the below video immensely.

Go Hill!

I'll bet my last Blue Light that Hill could drink that skinny ol' Barack under the table any day.

Strong constitution equals strong leadership. Well, in my book, at least...

FYI: Her favorite beer is Blue Moon with orange slices.

My Girlhood Crushes

2008-04-12T21:18:00.002-04:00

I totally wanted to marry Peter Frampton, Jackson Browne, Spock, and...

(Apologies for the Nipple Dude...Yes, he's sickening, but what can you do? It was the seventies, after all...)

Watching their performance with Fergie on Idol Gives Back, however, just made me really, really mad. I hate Fergie with such a passion, I have visions of maiming her with a jar of mayonnaise.

So, what? They had to put froggy-face in there to jump and flounder about in her tight leather for the low-brained twats out there in American TV Land that must have some not-fat eye-candy? Is that what the deal is?

I no longer watch American Idol. I'd been growing bored of that flumpy flappydoodle of a show for a while now, but this last shulpcramp is the straw that broke this camel's back.

***sigh***

Think I'll watch the above Heart video once again, and dream of when they were mine...

Don't Bother With This...

2008-04-09T13:19:00.006-04:00

If you don't have an intelligence quotient above that of a chimpanzee's.

Been concerned about certain...Things. Been worried, a tad afraid...Been that way for some years now.

I've avoided posting about my concerns, because I don't want to be seen as some "conspiracy nut," but my concerns are being validated more and more each day.

Unfortunately.

Your world is not what you think it is.

Investigate, learn, think, open your eyes...

I plan on posting more about my concerns in the future, with verifiable references, other videos, and my completely awesome and always creepy-good insight.

The world, she is a-changin'. What a shame that most of us will not see it until it's too late.

ADDENDUM: That last sentence is a bit dramatic, isn't it? Sorry. I don't believe the world is ending soon or anything like that, nor do I see it as suddenly spiraling out of control and causing its occupants to suffer mondo vertigo. I don't think we're in the "end times," as my personal beliefs side with the "bullshit and poppycock" folks, but...Something's in the air -- literally and figuratively. Major shifts involving socioeconomic/political/religious climes will occur during our lifetimes, as to the point where they are unavoidably noticeable (changes have been underway for a very, very long time, but many of us just haven't paid attention), and possibly, to some of us, detrimental to our overall well-being.

The best way to tolerate extreme change is to prepare for it. Knowledge lends preparedness and, preparedness lends peace of mind.

The Perfect Word

2008-03-28T20:34:00.004-04:00

I accompanied my mother to her doctor's appointment today -- THE appointment. The appointment that we were dreading, even though we knew what was to come of it.

As the oncologist flashed her peculiarly inappropriate smile (I call it her "picnic smile" because the woman, brilliant as she may be, is a freaking loonball whose smile exudes sunshine and barbecue while uttering phrases like "last ditch effort" and "less than five percent chance), she calmly, between bites of her roasted wienie (in my imagination) explained that there is nothing more medicine can do for Mom.

I already knew this in advance, but Mom, although knowing deep within this was it, still could not accept that fact without hearing it from the doctor's mouth.

I watched my mother intently as the doctor cheerily rattled off the many facets of palliative care, the whats and the what-to-comes, and with each syllable, my mother's face, which has changed so very much in the last month or so, grew more and more unrecognizable until she took on the appearance of someone else's mother.

Mom has lost so much weight that the once-snug pink pullover shirt she wore today hung loose about her frame, the neckline fluid, sliding off over her left shoulder. I gazed at the nape of her neck as the doctor sang of chemo pills and home health care aides, and was startled by the yellowness of the skin, the slight hump that was never before a part of her bodyscape. I looked at her face again, wondering about the yellow. Her face didn't look yellow, but there was a disquieting artificiality to the tone...I peered harder, focused as much as my pitifully hyperopic eyes could, and realized that she had applied so much makeup, the yellow cast was hidden beneath layers of Cover Girl.

And as the doctor chirruped on about how very strong Mom was, and how impressed she was by what Mom had endured, how she'd seen patients half Mom's age endure much, much less, and OHfuckingBLAHblahblah, I stared at the nape of my mother's neck and thought about what it will be like to live in this world without her.

We are not close, for various reasons, and I still struggle daily with my life experience playing on a perpetual loop, the sights, sounds and smells just as clear as the day they were produced, but she is my only mother, and I love her.

And I have so many wishes that I'd hoped would be granted during our lifetimes, many of which have been waiting patiently since I was a little girl. Those wishes, I now realize, will never come true, but that doesn't stop me from believing in them. Because she is my only mother.

When the doctor left the room, Mom put her head near my shoulder -- not on, near, kind of bowed her head and moved it toward me, and so I leaned in, put my arm around her shoulders, and patted, patted, patted. It felt awkward, alien, and in that moment, I forgot how to feel.

The patient advocate walked in just then, and I, grateful for the interruption, quickly removed my arm. The woman was pleasant, just the right kind of cheerful (no barbecue), and genuinely compassionate. She asked Mom how she was taking today's news, and my mother, perplexed, asked what she meant by that. The woman gently reworded the question, adding "Many people have a hard time coming to terms with this."

Mom didn't answer her, so I spoke up, said "I think this is all still so surreal for her." The woman nodded vigorously and said that that was a "perfect word" for this situation.

Surreal. Not real. Someone's else's reality. Someone else's face, someone else's skin, someone else's pain. Bizarre. Dreamlike.

Someone else's mother.

And all the years between 1965 and 1989.

And strange lights in the sky, and whispers of goodbye in the dead of night, and laughter around an oval table, puppies, lasagna, and secret journals hidden beneath someone else's bed, the phantoms that visited us both, the angels with no names, the charcoal sketches and pastel ribbons, the houses in suburban tracts, the hope, and one thousand tiny wishes that will always be alive...

All still so surreal.

A Cozy Guy

2008-03-27T20:00:00.003-04:00

My oldest daughter's boyfriend, Adam, is 6'5", weighs approximately 220 pounds, plays bass for an up and coming local hardcore band, and has many, many, many, many (many) tattoos, but that doesn't stop my boy from giving Adam big ol' bear hugs every time he visits.

I wonder if my son imagines that Adam is like a great fairytale giant who has wandered into our Lilliputian land, whose tallest citizen, King Lar (my husband), is just 5'7", and feels that the great giant is lonely and confused, thus needing hugs.

Anyway, today was no exception with the hug, and, as always, I couldn't help but beam like an idiot while watching my darling little guy grab hold of Adam's tree trunk-like leg and shrieking "HI, ADAM! HI! HI, ADAM! Aaaaadaaaam, HI!"

Honestly, the cuteness is just...Beyond. My son looks like a tiny aphid affixed to this tremendously large rocker dude's leg. A wee mite. A minuscule, loud, pesky little sprite who is next to impossible to shake. And Adam stands quite still, awkwardly pats my son on his head, and blushes like a school girl who's just dropped her lunch tray. Too sweet, really.

But what my boy said after giving Adam his usual "hello" hug today was so charming, my teeth clenched, began tingling in that familiar "I must bite something now" way that is both frightening and strangely satisfying, until I did, in fact, bite something (a rubber dinosaur).

He said: "Oooh, Mommy, Adam is so cozy! He's just a cozy, cozy guy!"

Well, I must tell you that the moment veered right, departed Cuteville doing sixty miles an hour, headed straight into Adorable Town, and screeched to a halt in front of Mr. Fluffy Pants Maguire, Mayor of Adorable Town.

I bit the dinosaur in two, yes I did.

FACT: They don't make rubber dinosaurs like they used to.

Jules

2008-03-22T10:01:00.002-04:00

I can't stop watching this.

I am so fascinated, it's bordering on weird.

I'm all teary-eyed, and my chest feels funny.

I think I found my one and only true "soul" mate.

The folks who created Jules.

The 1st Amendment + Handcuffs = Chicken Lips

2008-03-21T14:13:00.008-04:00

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion, or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the government for a redress of grievances.

If this picture doesn't kick you in the balls, then you have none.

Note the marquee. How fucking priceless is that?

Go here for more amazing shots captured March 19th during a peaceful war protest here in Rochester.

Hill Has That Effect on Men...

2008-03-17T10:14:00.003-04:00

I was watching Hillary Clinton's D.C. speech on CNN this morning, and my boy, who'd been playing on the computer in the next room, piped up with:

"Mommy, are you watching a scary show?"

Now, I don't know why he thought I was watching a "scary show," as there were no shrieks of terror, no theremin, no monster growls or evil cackling -- just Ms. Clinton giving an excellent (I thought) speech regarding her plans for ending the Iraq "war."

I said, "No, honey, I'm not."

A few moments later, he said, "Are you sure you're not watching a scary show?"

"No, baby, I am not watching a scary show."

Well, he obviously did not believe me, as he took the trouble to interrupt his computer game, and walk into my room. He stood there for a moment, then said, "Oh. It's the news. Okay." And as he walked back to the computer, he said, more to himself than to me, "Geez. Sure sounded scary..."

The Doctor Moreau Bra?

2008-03-14T08:58:00.007-04:00

In case you haven't heard, Victoria's Secret has toppled the scientific community on its ear, and perhaps changed life as we know it forever and ever, by way of their brand new "BioFit Bra."

Yes, the BIOFIT bra. Hmmm. Very perplexing, that name. Does "BioFit" mean "biologically designed"? "Bio-friendly"? "Biologically enhanced"? "Bio-Hazard"? (A sure way to keep unwanted gropers at bay.) Or, mayhap, "biogenetically created to infiltrate one's ta-tas, causing said ta-tas to magically lift, separate, and grow to ten times their natural state"?

Not sure, really, but it certainly does intrigue me.

What I've ascertained, however, is that this bra ostensibly enhances one's figure via cutting edge science, wherein the mysterious fibers woven into this ghastly garment have been grown in a laboratory by an evil geneticist named Dr. James D. Foote, best known for his work in the field of bovine mammarology. The mysterious fibers, of which there are two known types (the third is top secret, and may, if revealed, threaten national security), 36-D and 40-D-D, somehow intertwine with human physiology in such a way that alters DNA, thus producing instantaneous metamorphoses of the molecular structure.

Now, if you haven't yet seen the advertisement for this monstrosity, I can only say that it is so mind-bogglingly, stupendously insulting to any woman who has ever grown a pair of breasts, it may just cause those of us with a brain larger than Janet Jackson's nipple to never shop Victoria's Secret again.

Or even worse, put ridiculous images in our heads -- especially women like me, who imagine ridiculous things on a daily basis.

Case in point: While watching the BioFit commercial last night, ridiculous images did abound, images like...

!) A BioCat bra that makes use of feline DNA. Fabulous, really, what with the cute, furry cat heads strategically placed on each cup. What woman doesn't love cute, furry creatures, huh? Never be lonely again! And no boob-freeze EVER! Sure, it may take some getting used to, what with the cat faces eerily outlined though one's blouse (not recommended for use under tank tops), but the benefits outweigh the eerie cat heads. Puuurfection.

?) The revolutionary BioFruit Bra, which, depending on how much the organically grown pump is squeezed, gives the wearer either a luscious melon-like bobble, a perky orange bounce, or sprightly apricot wiggle.

And finally...

&) The first Victoria's Secret line for men! Gentlemen, you will be amazed and delighted with the BioButt Briefs, made with all natural fibers derived from the wee-tui-tui cactus, which will automatically bond with your gluteus maximus muscles by way of a special epidermal-cacti transference enzyme, so that your buttocks will take on a tight, rounded, almost bulbous richness.

But that's not all! Why not go hog-wild and pair the BioButt Briefs with the sure-to-turn-heads BioTrunk Jock! The BioTrunk is the must-have accoutrement for any man on the make! Constructed with heavy duty pachydermal microbiofibers, this strap-on, breathable cup guarantees comfort, while increasing package size to mammoth proportions.

Oh, I could go on and on, but I won't. I have disturbed even my own self way too much today, so enough. Enough.

Hillary's New Campaign Ad

2008-03-10T17:41:00.012-04:00

(Fade in, red velvet background)

(Ravel's "Bolero" plays softly, increases volume as each photo is displayed)

(Helen Mirren's voice) It's three a.m.

And your children are safe and asleep

The phone rings...

In the White House...

You know which phone I mean...

Something horrible is happening in the world...Something so awful, so unbelievably gruesome, so utterly catastrophic...

Who do you trust will be home to answer that phone?

(Abruptly end "Bolero," begin silent photo montage of cloudless blue skies, fields of daisies, kittens, babies sleeping, and an old person eating a bowl of clam chowder)

Hillary Clinton...

She doesn't have a penis.

Ancient-Speak

2008-03-06T22:43:00.005-05:00

I had the most delightful conversation of the semantical kind with my middle daughter, Sarah, and my mother's friend, "J" (the one who is classy and beautiful, but swears like a grizzled sea merchant) tonight. It went something like this:

Telephone: Ring Ring

Me: Hello?

"J" the Grizzled Sea Merchant: Hey.

Me: Hey!

"J" the Grizzled Sea Merchant: So, I'm going to be in town Saturday morning, will call when I get settled.

Me: 'Kay.

[Delete unimportant chitchat and personal doodads]

"J" the Grizzled Sea Merchant: Gawd, remember how thin I was? Gawdjesus, fucking hell, now I'm a goddamned dirigible!

Me: Did you just say, "dirigible"?

"J" the Grizzled Sea Merchant: Yeah, you know, a blimp?

Me: I know that! It's just that I'm a bit stunned that you used the word "dirigible." I mean, how old are you, really? Ninety-seven?

"J" the Grizzled Sea Merchant" [sputtering] Wha...? [laughs] C'mon, what's wrong with "dirigible"?

Me: Dude, if you have to ask, then it's pointless for me to carry on this line of conversation.

After I hung up, my daughter, who'd been listening, asked why I was laughing so hard, and when I explained to her that "J" was using Ancient-Speak, and with NO SHAME WHATSOEVER, she said, "Ooooh! I get it! It's like when Great Grandma Spinelli says 'Davenport' instead of 'couch,' right?"

We then proceeded to roll about the place laughing hysterically at the many examples of Ancient-Speak that have been foisted upon our modern ears by various teachers, grandparents, and an assortment of curmudgeonly neighbors, words such as:

Icebox (Ancient-Speak for refrigerator)

Duvet (Ancient-Speak for comforter)

Post (Ancient-Speak for mail, as in "I'm going to put the letter in the post before three shakes of a lamb's tail!"

Parlor (Ancient-Speak for living room)

Land Sakes! (Ancient-Speak pertaining to great surprise or disappointment)

And on it went, until we both wept copious tears of pure, word-related joy.

Jeepers, how I love the English language!

Like the Phoenix, or a Zombie, She Rises...

2008-03-05T09:14:00.006-05:00

There's still some life left in The Hill.

I'm glad. Not because she's my definite pick, but because I'm still undecided.

All right, enough politics for today. I can hardly think straight enough to form one simple, cohesive sentence let alone a political opinion worthy of your eyeballs.

Man, I've been so sick this week. Anyone else going though this lingering cold/flu/parasitic/plague-like/Cthulhu-related bug? Darned thing's been hanging on my buttocks for weeks now. Goes away, comes back worse, goes away, comes back twice as worse. Now it's in my chest something awful, got the fever, the whole shebang. Which sucks, because now I'm too sick to visit my mom, even if I wear a mask (she's neutropenic). If I dare go to the hospital today, I'm afraid the nurses will insist I wear a welder's helmet, and I really can't go there. Dear GOD, not THE HELMET!

Think I'd best stay in bed as much as possible for the next couple of days.

I must be better by Saturday, because one of Mom's good friends, a woman she's known since girlhood, is flying in from Chicago to see her, is supposed to pick me up Saturday afternoon. I must go, come hell, high water, or welder's helmet, I must go. This reunion is incredibly important, and I will make damn sure it happens.

Mom, you see, hasn't exactly been open to visitors (or phone calls) outside of immediate family for many, many months now, and I'm tired of repeatedly telling concerned folks "I'm sorry." Apparently, Mom's friend, whom I will refer to as "J," is tired of being told "I'm sorry," and decided to just barge right in -- and I'm glad she is.

When she and I spoke on the phone last, she said to me "Tell your mother to put on her fucking eyebrows, 'cause I'm coming to see her," which made me laugh. "J," although very classy and beautiful, with the unmistakable bearing of those "ladies who lunch," also has a mouth like a grizzled sea merchant who's been on a bender for five years in a row.

She also said, "Goddamnit, Lori, I'm not going to wait until your mother's lying in a sonofabitching casket." Which made me cry.

ADDENDUM: Speaking of crying, if you didn't see the premiere of New Amsterdam, which aired last night at 9:00 EST on Fox, I strongly urge you to catch the next episode. Seriously, I watch little television outside of documentaries, Lost, American Idol, and CNN, but I was too sick and weak to change the channel after AI ended...Almost makes me glad I'm about an inch from the grave.

"New Amsterdam" is beautifully written, gorgeous to look at, intelligent, thought-provoking, unique, and the lead actor is hot. So is the lead actress, who plays the role of Amsterdam's partner. Enough said (for now).

Another Addendum: Just noticed I used the word "glad" way too many times in this post. You know Ms. Lori is sick when she is unable to make use of various other synonyms.

From the Mouths of Babes & Idiots

2008-02-29T07:49:00.004-05:00

1. "Mommy, why does the Queen look like a king?"

Well, son, because she has a terrible stylist.

2. "If I go poop in the potty for five hundred weeks in a row, will you buy me a computer? Oh, wait... [giggles] I would be a grandpa by then, wouldn't I"

Yes, you would. But you must continue to poop in the potty, whether you receive prizes or not, even for five hundred weeks in a row, or you may one day find yourself strapped to a wheelchair and shoved in front of a television, where you will only be allowed to watch The Price is Right.

3. "You know, Mommy, you should really try being a boy -- it's fun!"

Awesome. I'm so glad that you enjoy being a boy, honey. Now please take your hand out of your pants, remove your finger from your nose, stop kicking the cat, and go sit on the potty.

4. "A long, long, long, long, long, long, loooong time ago, why were white people mean to black people?"

Well, let's see...Maybe because the white people back then were assholes?

5. "Four dollars a gallon? Where'd you hear that? Some kinda goldang expert or sumpin'?"

Mr. President, I believe that I heard it from the ghost of Captain Kangaroo, who, unbeknown to many, was not only the beloved host of a longtime-running children's television program, but was also a brilliant economist.

American Idol Judges Are Embarrassing

2008-02-22T00:03:00.003-05:00

Truly cringe-worthy.

So the other night, while watching American Idol with my girls, one of the female contestants induced mass hysteria and projectile vomiting while she crucified the 1961 hit "Where the Boys Are." That was bad enough. But then Randy Jackson had to be all doggy and shit and tell the woman that she can't compare to Patsy Cline, or something along those lines. I can't even remember what he said well enough to paraphrase comfortably due to my forehead exploding when he said "Patsy Cline."

Anyone with a brain larger than Simon's left titty would know that Connie Francis sang "Where the Boys Are."

Dog. Oh, dog, dog, dog, DOGGY dog!

What's going on, dude. Seriously, I'm like, WHAT? How's it going, man. WHAT? Hey, how you feelin' dog-a-dog-a-lamby lamb, huh? Feeling good?

WHAT? How's my dog, dog?

I just had to get this off my chest, dogs. Like, man, I really, really, man-oh-man, like, really, really had to shake this bad mojo swingin' 'gainst my groove, y'all.

But then Simon had to go and embarrass himself, too, by interjecting a painfully ignorant, and utterly beautiful "yes, that song must have a bit of a twang," which I assumed meant that he, too, believed Patsy sung "Where the Boys Are."

To my knowledge, the wonderful Ms. Francis never employed a twang in any of her songs. I know this to be fact. I am Connie Francis' biggest fan. Used to take my mom's old 45s, especially "Lipstick on Your Collar" and "Where the Boys Are," and sit in my bedroom listening to them over and over. And over. While staring at pictures of Connie.

I was all of seven years old.

When I finally got to see the movie "Where the Boys Are," sometime around age ten or so, I was riveted -- RIVETED, I say -- to the television screen.

Say what you will about a weird little girl with four-inch-thick glasses who was obsessed with Connie Francis, a pop star whose fame rose well before the creepy little girl had even been born, but I'll have you know that that little creep with four-inch-thick glasses would not have embarrassed herself on national television by confusing two of America's greatest female singers of all time.

Well, DUH!

2008-02-11T10:20:00.000-05:00

How grammatically correct are you? (Revised with answer key)

You are a GRAMMAR GOD!

Congratulations! If your mission in life is not already to preserve the English tongue, it should be. You can smell a grammatical inaccuracy from fifty yards. Your speech is revered by the underlings, though some may blaspheme and call you a snob. They're just jealous. Go out there and change the world.
Take this quiz!

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I look great in a thong, too.

And I can blow smoke rings through my left eye, tame wild asses, and simulate fellatio on a summer squash without gagging.

Also, I have been known to disable weaponry of all kinds by sheer mental force.

Truly, I am special.

I Think We All Could Use Some Cute Today...

2008-02-02T10:12:00.000-05:00

Unfortunately for me, while watching this, I bit into my forearm so hard, my right hand is now lying in a pool of blood at my feet. And it's twitching.

Not so cute.

My Latest Contribution to the English Language

2008-01-25T09:06:00.000-05:00

So yesterday, while watching this (don't bother going there unless you're into the whole UFO thing, and have two hours to spare), I said aloud to myself this: "Corn!"

I shocked myself with this utterance, as my mind was actually screaming "cornucopia!"

Strange that I only vocalized part of my newly invented exclamation of surprise and joy, but there you go. "Cornucopia," to me, embodies the various emotions and physical sensations involved in an intriguing, fulfilling experience -- and if you think about it, it makes sense. Cornucopias are horns of plenty, filled with wonderful things, a delightful gift, its treasures revealed slowly, i.e., remove the visible apple from the mouth of the horn, and an orange rolls out; remove the orange, and a bottle of Absolut tumbles forward. And so on, and so forth.

However, though the word itself captures the feeling of spectacular goodness stuffed all in one tidy, decorative centerpiece, shouting "cornucopia" is a bit daunting. The many syllables trip the tongue, dampen the moment of discovery and excitement. Hence "corn!"

Here are but a few examples in which one may employ both "corn!" and "cornucopia!":

1) Say you happen across a fifty dollar bill while taking a stroll through your neighborhood. You might pick up the bill, stare at it lovingly, and say "Holy cornucopia! I'm the luckiest person alive!"

2) If you ever find yourself in a situation whereupon the woman or man of your dreams professes their undying love, and also offers to gift you a brand new Porsche, just for the heck of it, you should most definitely shout "That is so corn!"

3) While viewing an especially entertaining film, concert, or stage production, proclaiming (aloud) that it is "the corn!" would be more than appropriate.

4) If excited by the thought of an upcoming event, whether it be a job promotion, marriage, or unusually large tax refund, feel free to show your excited anticipation by saying "I am so corned!"

5) Perhaps a loved one has achieved something grand -- graduated from school, been elected president, won a contest of some sort -- you will, I guarantee, feel tremendous glee were you to shout (loudly, in their face), "Cornucopia! That is so fantastic!"

You are so very, very welcome.

First it Was a Bag of Garbage, Now it's My Husband

2008-01-19T03:22:00.000-05:00

Upon leaving my mother's hospital room last night, I ventured on to the usual pick-up place to wait for Lar. Was supposed to meet him at 6:30.

Surprised but not alarmed (yet) that he wasn't there, I waited just outside the hospital main entrance, assuming he'd drive up any minute. It was bitterly cold, but I figured I'd better wait where I had a good view of the pick-up circle, as the view was obstructed inside by large pillars and other visitors milling about. So I waited, then waited some more.

After about, oh, I don't know, twenty and one half hours, my fingers began to stiffen into Witchy Poo claws, and the tips of my ears fell off, so I went inside to warm my bones, paced and fretted, worried and sniffed, went back outside, paced and sniffed, ignored the odd looks I was receiving from other waiters (I had been talking to myself at that point), for another forty-two hours, then hightailed it back up to Mom's room.

Sadly, I think I may have frightened Mom, the way I whooshed into her room like some sort of freeze-dried Bat Woman, coat flying out behind me, my hair askew, my nose crumbling ala Michael Jackson, expression frozen into a hideous, teeth-bared mask of pure pain and hatred.

Although I knew I'd startled my mother, I didn't care -- I wanted her phone, and did not give one whit who I startled, or which nurses were calling security at that moment. I wanted the phone, I wanted to find Lar, and I wanted to be warm, home, and curled up with a dictionary and a bag of Wendy's. That is all.

My oldest daughter answered the phone and told me that "Dad called and said he's been waiting forever."

This was my reply: ???????????????

Then: *******************************************

I ran back down to the main entrance in record time (no small feat considering the size of this frigging hospital), and frantically searched for any sign of an unusually large head-shadow looming behind the wheel of a champagne-colored H3, but no deal. I walked back and forth, over and around, spoke aloud to whomever was responsible for this nightmare, asked he or she or it to kindly fuck off and thanked them very much.

At this stage, I was near death, and angels appeared from on high to trumpet my welcome, but I'm a fighter, so I shooed most of them away and once again ran back inside.

A hospital employee was waiting there as well, and one of the angels, a stubborn, feisty Latina named Yolanda, whispered in my ear this: "Ask the lady if there is another entrance that leads to the lobby..."

So I did, and she answered.

Here was my reply to the kind hospital employee lady: !!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Here is what Lar said to me when I sheepishly hopped into the car: %&$(#(#)@*@*@*((((@@@@@@@@@@!!!!!!!!!!!!!!