onebreastbouncing

Too Many in Too Little

2010-06-19T09:37:00.005+08:00

It has been 3 weeks that I have not updated this blog. My condition was bad and I am still not well. Today, with heavy head I try to write and see if I can complete it and publish it. Bismillaahirrahmaanirrahiim...

I was okay for 2 days after taking the herbal concoction given by the Traditional & Complementary Medicine Unit of Putrajaya Hospital. After that series and bouts of pains and fever start to increasingly reducing my ability to get up and move around.

The pain came on my left shoulder and abdomen troubled my sleep. I would get 15 mins of sleep and that's the most. The pain became intense and excruciating that I have nothing else in my mind except pledging for Allah's mercy and love to reduce the pain. I seldom talk, in fact I became some who was not bubbly at all. People don't see my pain and I have not had that sick face so they don't quite figure out why I hardly can't move around or I became so quiet and most of the time I dwell in my world. My world of zikrullaah actually.

Alhamdulillah, my family understands my condition. My children helped me walk to the bathrooms. They took turn serving me and making sure I don't move to the kitchen to send the plates. They vacuum the house because they know there are many visitors coming. My mother cooks for me. They all become a clear evidence of the many blessing bounty that Allah still provided me for....Alhamdulillah...

The fever was odd. It came at 3 pm and subsided by night and flared up again by 3am.... With the pain and the fever, to push myself about living my life to the fullest was really hard. All I have hope. Hope that becomes a prayer. A prayer that Allah cures all pains and fever. I am still thankful, even in this difficulties my hope and my prayers didn't get washed away. Yet, they heightened and I am so much in this believe that Allah is very close to me because I feel so calm and at peace even when I battled my pains and fever.

Hubby said I moaned in my little sleep but I was like uttering istighfar most of the time. I understand the power of istighfar and zikr in times like this. It is not making me thinking about death but it is making me feeling the love of Allah embracing me.

My upper stomach has started to protrude. That's the sign of the stretching liver. The cancers cause it to happen. Like the pain too. The cancers in the liver cause it to occur. Yesterday, the Oncologist gave me the steroid of Dexamethasone for a week to reduce the stretching liver and hopefully will reduce the pain. I was given some sleeping pills so that I can I can sleep well and my body can rest. Otherwise, the sleep deprivation will make me losing energy by day time and that make the body easily tired, like what I was feeling for the past 3 weeks.

I have stopped taking the herbal concoction as told the MO that it defeats the objective of the complementary unit which is to increase the quality of life of the chronic patient. In my case it has proven to aggravate its decline. I want to continue doing my way, InsyaAllah Allah will guide me.

Alhamdulillah, last night I slept well and not get disturbed by the pain. I didn't even complete my 100 zikr of Hasbiyal Allaahi wa nikmal wakeel. Today, I am feeling fresher and able to sit longer. So far typing this entry seems fine with me. The heavy head has gone by now. Syukur...

Today, I will have many visitors. I have been getting many these past weeks. Alhamdulillah, thank you all for making your time coming to visit me. There are so many fadhilats in visiting the sick. I have not forgotten to pray to each of you that Allah forgives all your sins and shower His many barakah and rahmah in your life.

Alhamdulillah, the preparation for the Umrah trip is slowly in order. Alhamdulillah I will be accompanied by my darling hubby MH in the trip. I am taking this opportunity to seek forgiveness from all of you for the wrongdoings I have done. Maybe my tone of writing is not to your liking. Maybe my way of giving nasihat and reminder is not fancied by you. Maybe my way of expressing me thoughts and experiences is not in your favour.

Let's hope this is not the final entry. Should it be, I hope it becomes an avenue that people seek for some good guidance, InsyaAllah.

God bless you all.

Of Good News and Bad News

2010-05-31T07:27:00.004+08:00

Alhamdulillahirobbil 'alamiin...

The past weeks were filled up with many events that involved people visiting me. Relatives from my late mother-in-law: Mak Utih and her children - Halim and his family and Mak Usu Ani and her hubby; friends from old school SMSS - so many of them; friends from the blogworld - Suria and her hubby and kind-hearted abRahman who came and gave me the MonaVie juice to try.

In the name of Allah, we strengthen the ukhuwwah and the love for other Moslem brotherhood. There are so many fadhilats in visiting the sick ones... Allah gives us the mercy for both of us and shower us with His many rahmah for the good deeds... InsyaAllah...

I feel so much blessed that in my hard times battling indescribable pain, people took effort and spared their time to come to my house and be with me. The visits were meaningful though I felt bad that I couldn't serve all of them better and I had asked them to make it as comfortable as possible and get their own drink in my kitchen. Nevertheless, I felt the positive vibes seeping and replacing all sadness and the melancholic mood swing vanished as laughter and smiles took place.

Last week also I received news that MH can send me to perform another Umrah. My praise and grace is to Allah for He listens to my doa to give us the rezeki for that purpose. All arrangements were immediately made and I contacted the authorised travel agency that took me in 2007 to the Holy Land to get all details. MH and I visited the agency on Saturday to pay for the deposit and filled up all forms. Alhamdulillah, there is still a vacancy for the selected date and we could book the date.

Realising that my passport has expired, we will visit the agency again this week to pass the renewed passport and pay the remaining balance of the fare. I will be going alone and am praying that Allah eases all matters from the arrangements to my 14 stay in the Holy Lands with good physical, mental and spiritual conditions to perform the Ibadah. I appreciate if all of you can pray for me too. I have to slowly get my energy now for the many Ibadah there. Allah is with me and He will look after me - this is the confidence that MH has and he is letting me go with love and redha in his heart... Thank you for your generosity Darling... May Allah bless you with abundant barakah in your life..ameen.

On 2nd June I will go to the Traditional and Complementary medicine Unit of Putrajaya Hospital. I still have no idea what this center is all about but got some glimpse about it that it is an option for those who have exhausted chemo and radiotherapy. I will write about it after the visit InsyaAllah.

I have been consuming the Noni Extract and the Monavie Juice since the past 2 weeks. These two add to the many supplementary foods I am consuming. So far alhamdulillah, the body is responding well with increased energy and I can see my face is fresher. Pink is slowly becoming the colour of my health...My sleeping pattern is improved too and when the energy is improving I am able to control my breaths when I recite the Holy Qur'an and whenever I do the long prostration I have no problem with giddiness. Alhamdulillah, slowly I am feeling the nikmah of better wellbeing....

I am confident, it is YOUR supplications and prayers that have helped me regain my good spirit and health, apart from the food I consumed. It is undeniably His Love and Mercy. I am blessed to have all of you. Thank you for coming into my life...

I still have occasional chest and lower back pains as the cancers are now in the chest, abdomen and pelvic bones too. But I am not complaining about the pain. They come in times that I need to slow down and have more zikirs.. GOD is never cruel and I am pledging He makes this pain as catalyst to cleanse my sins... It is no more thinking about the cancers. They want to stay, let them. But stay is what they only do. They cannot conquer my mind and spirit to live. They want to live in me, fine. Let them be. I know my doctors are very concerned with my prognosis. It is definitely not getting better but I am very much at peace now and with a better quality of life, I am not asking much more. People can tell of some scary after effect of consequence from my prognosis but I am no longer concerned about that. I know what is happening is the best for me. They can tell me I haven't done good enough. They can say anything. It is Allah that knows the most. I am leaving my life to Him for every second and moment of it. I want His guidance for every second of my life...

I hear many death news off late. Some sadness swept every time I hear the news but I have to accept it as part of the promise Allah gave us long before. Every living thing will die. Only we don't know when our time to leave the earth will come. Some return to Him soon, some later but we all still leave for Him. Death is definitely not an ending of a life. It is the beginning of the eternal one. Some news shocked many of us as the healthy one dies. When the time is up, nothing can come in between. Not even your health. Some left without leaving goodbyes and news like that is more heart-wrenching as closed ones are not ready to let go.

And this morning, a recent closer cancer patient-sister, Azura who was the cousin for Jordan's wife and the sister in law for Yani of Kitchen Guardian blog has left us all after battling acute leukemia. May her soul be showered with His rahmah and placed amongst His loved ones...ameen. I am consoling myself that she is no longer in pain now. That she is currently at peace even though I will miss listening to her soft voice and reading her text messages asking me to pray for her. Allah loves you sis. Al-fatihah...

With the bad news, I keep on reminding myself to remember death more. To think of it in the positive way. That I need to leave something for my family and friends. That I need to teach myself and hopefully them about letting go and detachment. That I need to understand a matter of death is a matter of faith. No one lives in immortality. That we bring nothing except the deeds we do on earth. We are given time to correct and improve our deeds. That in life we have priorities and everything we do in setting the priorities in order, all is taken into the account for the eternal life. That life is terminally short and precious.

With the bad news, I am teaching myself to soften my heart. To forgive and ask for forgiveness. Asking forgiveness from God is easy for we know He is the Most Merciful and Loving. All we need is to keep on pledging and begging in sincerity. But asking forgiveness from mankind is difficult for we are not the merciful ones. Loving ones maybe but merciful is hardly. We are affected by emotions and past incidents. Revenge and grudges can be the deadly poison that blackens the heart, making us having difficulty to forgive other mankind. I am teaching myself this hard task still... and I am asking all of you to forgive all my wrong doings that conjure up via my tone of writings in this blog, or my tone of voice in our meetings...

May Allah make us a better mankind and bless us all... ameen...

The Collection For The Fund - Updated (3)

2010-05-27T21:26:00.004+08:00

We started the Seeking Hope Fund on 27 April 2010 and we put 27 May 2010 as the last day for the collection to bring the song into the studio and get it recorded. Alhamdulillah as today (27 May), we have collected RM5,475 and the following lists the names of the generous contributors:

1. 27 April 2010 Naziah Mokhtar RM100
2. 27 April 2010 Nurkarimah abdul Kapi RM20
3. 27 April 2010 Hanapiah Tahir RM10
4. 28 April 2010 Shafinaz sehat RM250
5. 28 April 2010 HambaAllah RM10
6. 28 April 2010 NanaDJ RM300
7. 03 May 2010 Rahayu Ezrani RM300
8. 03 May 2010 Hamba Allah RM75
9. 03 May 2010 Tommy YewFigure RM250
10. 05 May 2010 Ainun Hassan RM200
11. 05 May 2010 Suzette Zain RM200
12. 06 May 2010 Aniza ( KakIja) RM500
13. 06 May 2010 Noryati (Kak Yatt) RM150
14. 07 May 2010 Norhayati Abdul Hamid RM40
15. 09 May 2010 Hamba Allah RM100
16. 10 May 2010 Rustam Che Mat RM150
17. 11 May 2010 IPNOCians & others RM1400
18. 11 May 2010 Juwaidah Sharifuddin RM100
19. 11 May 2010 Maimunah Jaafar RM100
20. 11 May 2010 Nurulhuda Azizol RM10
21. 11 May 2010 Mas Zuhairin Zubir RM50
22. 12 May 2010 Prof Kamil & Roza RM100
23. 13 May 2010 Dato' Jaflam RM1000
24. 15 May 2010 HambaAllah RM50
25. 16 May 2010 HambaAllah RM10

Thank you dearest brothers and sisters. May all of you be showered with abundant blessing, happiness, and love... ameen. Alhamdulillah we have reached our minimum target. InsyaAllah with any extra we will channel it for helping others with cancer... I will discuss further with Nazrah on the total cost for the song production and definitely inform all of you.

InsyaAllah, we are on the right track. If everything goes well, the recording will take place soon, insyaAllah.

The Fund is closed at today's date. Let this be the beginning for a noble cause. Let it be the initiation to commence a dream to help others. Let it be the voice of those suffering from cancer.

God bless all of you.

Note: Nazrah told me that the musician needs some time to research gaelic music which will be included in the song composition.

The Cancers Have Spread!

2010-05-21T07:37:00.006+08:00

It was the big day yesterday as the doctor had received my PET CT Scan report from Putrajaya hospital. This time the urgency mattered most so I was called in as my file was found. MH and I entered the room and the doctor showed us the printed films that highlighted the flaring of the cancers. How was my reaction to it?

I was very calm this time. We both did. One by one the doctor explained which flaring referred to which part of the body. There is one very hot flaring in the liver, which all of us expected already. No size was mention and the doctor explained that PET CT Scan doesn't really measure sizes of cancers but more of its hot spots in SUV term (the reading for its hotness). The liver is flaring hot at 17.3 and another cancer was picked up at the layer that overlays the liver and the spleen with SUV reading of 10 plus. So there is another critical issue about the liver as the cancer cells have stemmed in and out of the liver.

One cancer was highlighted in the chest wall with SUV 7.5 and I told the doctor, it explained the short of breath and the pressuring sensation I always feel nowadays with incessant slicing and sharp pain like I used to experience way back in 2008. And two more cancer cells are found in the lymph nodes in the stomach. This also another explanation of why I have pain when I eat dinner. Most of the time I have to stop having dinner or anything I eat by 7pm.

I told the doctor about the back pain but she said no cancers were picked up in the scanning and the bone scan indicated I am free of bone cancer too so there is a possibility that it is caused by other thing. The doctor asked if I want to do the chemo and I asked her back if there is any chance of not doing it at the moment. Our concern was the children. We do not want them to be so affected especially the eldest one since this year he is facing his PMR exam. I told the doctor that I know my eldest may not be the smartest kid in his class but I want him to have his peace of mind and focus doing the exam. I had seen how he was badly affected in his UPSR when I was undergoing the chemo at that time.

I was very calm when we talked about the cancer spread but I was not calm anymore when we talked about the children. I felt so sad with the spreading because this time I know it will my little one that is going to face the biggest hurdle. To him, my agility is an indication that I am alright that I am not 'damaged' by the cancer. He really shows his concerns to me off late. At one time that I felt sick a few weeks back, he insisted that he would only eat as he spoon-fed me. He would sit near my legs and always rested his head on my legs. Sometime to shake them to make sure that I reacted back - an indication that I am still alive.

So the doctor agreed that we hold back the chemo treatment and I asked her if I can try any other ways of some complementary medicine. She told me at this point of time just go ahead, since we almost exhausted our means with chemo (not many drug left and even then there is no guarantee it will give the needed treatment). My cancer has the character of an aggressive type. Robust and easily building its immunity to drugs. With the withholding, the doctor suggested that I take Aromasin at least we try to curb its growth and I will her my doctor month by month as she wants to see my physical progress or decline. In 3 months, we will do another scanning. I am going to refer myself at the Traditional and Complementary Medicine Unit of Putrajaya Hospital. The juices can continue. So are the supplementary foods, the Noni, the Brazillia Murell Mushroom, The Mahogany fruit, the Pecah Beling, the habbatussawda, the Keladi Tikus,the Hempedu Bumi and some others.

Was I felt that all my efforts are useless? No, I was not feeling that way. I understood that the result is the best given for me. It is hard to explain how I can stay calm like today. I have accepted all these and only Allah is the one who can give me such peaceful feeling. Allah gave me a spoonful of hardship in 2004 and increased the dose in 2008 and increased the dose in 2009 and increased the dose in 2010. All is about the determination to face the hardship head-on and not running away from it. Anyway, I don't have anywhere to run. God gave me this sickness so when all efforts I tried seemed not to work and I have kept saying I accepted all these tests, it is not an indicator that I can now stop all efforts and focus only at praying or having a build-in cave on my praying mat.

It is not about that. Redha and Tawakkal comes after efforts. Those don't stand alone. It is not part of the Ikhtiar. The DUIT concept of Doa, Usaha, Ikhtiar and Tawakkal works well with asking for guidance from Allah, asking for forgiveness from Allah (Doa-supplication), then find ways to cure or ease the hardship (Usaha), if one way is not working be reasourceful and try to find other ways like for example if you are sick you see a doctor but the fever doesn't go away so you change doctor and try a diffreent medicine, that is ikhtiar and after all those are done we submit our efforts to Allah and pray that one of the ways is the right one and give all matters to Allah for Allah is the best administrator of all our matters. the DUIT concept is wholesome effort not an independent of each other. In fact Doa must be all the way as you reach the U, the I and the T.

Allah is with us. He is watching how we react to this tribulation. I have no more regrets that despite all efforts the cancers are still in body, not only staying but spreading. Don't I cry? Yes I still cry especially when I forward my forgiveness to God. How I may become a forgetful servant and how sometimes I become laghaa with all temptations. I learn to cleanse my heart and I really feel the guilt that it is still not purify because of the anger and sadness battling the menopausal syndrome or the pain. O Allah...I am truly seeking your forgiveness... please forgive me... ameen...

Life is terminally short for me now. I really want to savour, enjoy and appreciate each moment I have. I am still firmly holding that in matter between life and death there is, there is always HOPE.

My hope is still as high as the Everest Mountain and as wide as the spread of the horizon. I am deeply blessed to be able to get up every morning, do the breakfast, tend to my garden, walk a bit here and there and handle the pain with ease... Alhamdulillah, for Allah is the one that makes all those possible.

Dear brothers and sisters, you have known my condition. It is more bitter than sweet. Let's all pray it will be sweet at the end. It will be easy. It will be calming and I am showered with strength and courage... I have been blessed because of your prayers and I know it is only with prayers I have come so far feeling more peaceful and calm even though I have not received joy and good news.

If you still want to walk with me, please do. If still want to hold my hands, please do. If you still want to lend me your shoulders, I need many. I appreciate each friendship and the love you all send, they are priceless. I still feel I can't thank you enough.

Only God knows and I seek His Mercy and Love to grant all of the abundant goodness, wellness, blessings and good returns in all your help and assistance.

'I seek no strength but your strength Ya Robb. It will be hard bumpy road after this and I may tumble often. Give me Your strength and courage to get up and smile. Don't make me crumble. Hold me in Your Love. Hold me in Your Mercy. Hold me in Your Forgiveness. Ameen'

He is not little anymore...

2010-05-17T14:14:00.004+08:00

15 years ago, at this hour I was wheeled into the Operation Room after fighting for my life to try to bring my eldest son out into this world. The water had broken but the baby refused to go out.

I was admitted into the hospital 30 hours before as the water broke. The contraction started to get frequent and I had terribly warned my hubby from leaving my sight. i squeezed his hand and the hand of a nurse until it turned blue. The doctor and the nurses at Bluffton Community Hospital, Ohio asked me to control my breath and pushed the baby out. But the dilation went up to 7cm only.

It was when the baby's heart rate started to drop that the doctor became very concerned and my gyneacologist, Dr Stymertz was called in. An X-ray machine was brought into the labor room and they saw that the baby's head had tilted. The concerned peak and I was rushed into the labor room. My hubby was ushered into the OR too.

I was very much awake, feeling very cold and trying to digest what was happening to me. My bone marrow was injected a few times with epidural so I lost my nerve waist down but I was still conscious. I tried a conversation with MH asking him what is the doctor doing as I felt like someone drawing something on my tummy. It was not drawing though, it was an incision made for the C-Section.

Not long after that I heard a loud cry and saw the nurses brought one big baby to a corner. Oh! That's my baby... so big..curling in my tummy... I was slurring to MH and tears welled and streamed at the corners of my eyes. He weighed 4.15kg, the darkest and loudest baby in the whole Bluffton Community Hospital. The baby that we named Adam Zachary and the doctor said: It sure took us A to Z to bring you out little, man!

That was the journey of bringing my baby out into the world. The beginning and the never forgotten one. Raising him alone without any family members in the USA was quite a task. No matter how MH kept on telling me that he was not ready to become a dad, he did perform his task and duties of changing the diapers, waking up at night to feed the baby, to cuddle him, to rock him when he needed to be spoilt as I went to the classes.

That was 15 years ago. Now, this baby of mine seldom like to see me hug me unnecessarily. He has grown taller. He has become so concerned with his appearance or the many pimples that start peeping out from his forehead and cheeks. His voice has become huskier, a sign that he is now becoming a growing man.

Happy Birthday Adam... I see you grow in front of my eyes and to be able to enjoy today - your 15th birthday is indeed a blessed one. Mummy still remember the moments you kicked in my tummy. Mummy still remember reading the Qur'an to you aloud so you become familiar with it. Mummy still remember taking you around the park and talk to you about the hard life in a foreign land, about missing all family members back home in Malaysia and how impatient we became to introduce you to the rest of the family.

When Mummy was diagnosed with breast cancer, you were only 8 years old and how it changed your character. From the bubbly and perky child to an introvert son. You watched me being so sick with the chemo. You wanted to reach me but you felt so helpless and I saw it in your eyes. Mummy felt sorry that you had to undergo all those. The fact that many of your childhood moments were traded with looking after me being sick was something that can still make me cry. I am so sorry you lost your childhood moments, not having a chance to play outside the house, to help clean or serve me. What you endure, had made you mature earlier. You got tensed with the expectation. You at times hurled the frustration out. Your studies got affected badly. I am so sorry my son....

I am blessed to have you. Never mind that you have never been a smarter kid in your class. To me and daddy you are our gem. You are an amanah from God. Mummy and daddy are blessed. When Mummy can hear you reciting the Qur'an after the prayer, Mummy feels so serene. When Mummy sees you help you little brother, Mummy feels the joy. When Mummy sees you help daddy with house chores, Mummy feels so, so blessed not it is still with some guilt that Mummy can't contribute much.

Be a good man, my son. Be a good Moslem and help adik improvise his duties to God. Your journey is still long. Enjoy each day with gratitude that whatever you have today, you may not have it tomorrow. Thank you for sharing your experience with me, like I am your best friend. Thank you for running to me when you need a shoulder to cry on. Thank you for telling me what is in your heart in your special way. You seldom express but you do share. Thank you for making Mummy's life more colourful from the day you were born.

Apart from marrying daddy, and having adik around, You are the best thing that ever happens to me because you are my eldest son.

May you always be protected and loved by God with His rahmah along your life. May you shine in your endeavours and be a better person in your life... ameen.

Adam you are not little anymore, but you are always a baby to Mummy!

The Tempeh Seller Story

2010-05-12T08:08:00.004+08:00

since I like to eat tempeh, I think this story is worthy to be shared:

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In Karangayu, a small village in Kendal, Central Java, there lived a woman selling tempeh. Incompetent to do other job, she made tempeh and sold it at a wet market. Nevertheless, she never complained about the little earning that she got. She lived her life happily always in gratitude with the blessing she got in her life. "If this tempeh can take me to heaven, why should I regret it. ..” there she consoled herself with a great appreciation to her life.

One fine morning, after the Dawn Prayer, she started packing to sell her tempeh. She took a bamboo basket and started filling it with her tempeh that she had wrapped on a long kitchen table. She picked one and opened it. Much to her surprise, her tempeh was not fermented yet in tempeh form. It was still in the form of soya beans, some loose, yet united ties from the fermentation of the yeast to look like a soft white cotton.

The wrapped soya beans still had to wait one more day to be a tempeh. Her body felt weak as she needed the money for her daily spending. she could only imagine, this day she's definitely not going to get money, to eat, and to buy soybeans, and she became so devastated.

In the midst of desperation, hope dawned in her chest. She knew that, if she asked God, surely nothing will be impossible. So, tilting her head up, she raised her hand, she read a prayer. "O Allah, You know my troubles. I know you would love thy humble servant of this. Help me O God, make this soybean to be tempeh. Only to you I leave my fate ... ". In her heart, she believed, God would grant her prayer.

Calmly, she pressed and compressed the wrapper leaf of those tempehs. She still could feel the warmth that ran through the leaves. The fermentation process was still ongoing. Her chest rumbled and nervousness ran through her spine. And slowly, she opened the wrapper leaf of the tempeh. And ... she was disappointed. It was still some loose soybeans and not a tempeh. Forcing a smile, she stood up. She was sure that God was still "processing" her prayer. Her tempeh would be fermented in no time, she became optimistic with it.

She believed, God would not torment the faithful servant like her. Putting all the wrapped soybeans and some half made tempeh into the basket, she prayed again. "Oh God, Nothing is impossible to you. You are the Almighty, that there was nothing I could do other than selling tempeh. Therefore, O God, please grant my prayer ... "

Before locking the door and walked toward the market, she unwrapped another tempeh. It must have been so now, she thought. With a pounding heart, she peered and ... not so. The soybeans were not fully white. There was no change in any of these soybeans fermentation. "Wonders of God will come ... for sure," she cajoled herself confidently.

So she walked to market. Throughout the trip, she believed, "the hand" of God is working to finalize the process of fermentation of her many tempehs in her bamboo basket. Again and again she prayed ... assuring herself, God would grant her prayer.

Reaching the market, she stopped at a corner where she used to sell and she put the basket down. "It must have been now that my tempeh is ready!" she thought. With trembling hands, she opened the wrapper leaf of that tempeh, slowly. And.. she jumped!The tempeh was still not changed. Still the same as when she first opened in the kitchen.

Disappointed, tears started to stream her wrinkled cheeks. "Why are my prayers not answered? Why the Tempe is not so? Why is God so unfair? Does He want me to suffer? What have I done?" Thus her inner raged.

With a limp, she placed the half-fermented tempeh on top of a plastic that has been provided. Her hands moved slowly almost lifeless, she had no conviction that people would buy her 'tempeh'. And suddenly she felt hungry and felt so alone. God had forsaken her, she thought.

More tears dripped. She could not imagine selling tomorrow ... tomorrow she would not be able to eat. She saw the market bustle, people passing, and "friends" among sellers at the right side of her Tempeh who began packing his wares as they finished selling theirs. She nodded at them as they bid goodbye and left. Her grief began to peak. She tried to remember if she had experienced this event. She looked down and thought her Tempeh was never in this condition - unfinished, not done. Her sobs increased and became loud weeps. She felt this test was a heavy tribulation for her... ...

In the midst of her sadness, a pat o9n her shoulder stopped her sobs.She turned to her side and saw a beautiful woman in her midlife smiling and looking at her. "Sorry Madam, do you sell half-finished tempeh? I'm tired from early morning looking around this market for half-finished tempeh, and I cannot find one. Do you have Madam? "

The tempeh seller tempeh was dumbfounded. Unnerved. Suddenly, her face turned pale. Without answering the question of the beautiful woman, she quickly lifted her hands. "Oh God, now I do not want it to be Tempe. Please Do not grant my earlier prayer. Leave it alone tempe as before to be half-made, Do not make tempe ... ". Then she immediately took her tempeh. But, doubting it, she put it down again. “I am scared it has become tempeh ..."

"So how Madam? Do you sell those tempeh I want?", asked the woman again. Panic swept over her again. "Dear Lord, how is this? Please God, do not make tempeh huh?" she said repeatedly. And with a trembling hand, she slowly opened the wrapper leaf of that tempeh. In the warm leaf, she still saw tempe which was half-made. "Alhamdulillah!" She cried, involuntarily. She immediately asked the woman how many she wanted and put all she had into a plastic bag and handed it over to the woman feeling so happy.

She asked the woman why she was looking for a half-made tempeh and the beautiful woman answered:"Oohh, it's my son who is studying oversea wants to eat tempeh so I need to buy the hald-made tempeh so that when the tempeh reaches my son, it will be just nice and not spoiled already. So when I send tomorrow, the tempeh is still palatable." The woman paid the seller and left. The seller was relieved that her prayers were granted. She packed and repeatedly thanking God.

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Morale of the story:
In everyday life, we often pray, and "forcing" God to give us what we think is the most suitable for us. And if our prayer is not granted, we feel abandoned, disappointed. But, God knows best what is most suitable for us. Never place any bad feeling or intention to God and believe His plan is PERFECT.

When God grants us our prayers, He listens to us,
When God delays granting our prayers, He is testing us,
When God doesn't grant us our prayers, He has a better plan for us.

God is perfect and He gives the best to us. He may give something we do not like and as a human being, we kind of like the nice and the things we want not knowing it may be the thing that is bad for us. So when God gives something not of our wish, take it with full acceptance for God is all-knowing.

Do not despair, as God's love is every where.

Hope this story benefit us all.

Updates

2010-05-05T12:34:00.003+08:00

Alhamdulillah, my deepest gratitude is to Allah....

My health is getting better after a 3 day fever with bodily pain that occurred last week. And the pain had caused me to lose my ability to sit rather long when I had the intention to update my blog.

My little one had skipped his afternoon school with his concern that I was sick and he wanted to look after me. Not having the energy to quarrel with him I just kept quiet and let him skipped school. Much to my surprise, he did help though. He massaged my legs and arms and wiped my tears that came out due to the fever. Partly, I had that melancholic mood because I was moved by his loving gestures.

Tiredness still hit yet I know to recuperate from one sickness, I may require a slow progress. So slowly, yet surely I felt it that I was getting better and the last two days when there was a sudden surge of eagerness in my heart and my mind raced faster thinking about some interior designing and changing, I knew I was attacked by the susunitis syndrome - a syndrome 9it is not in the dictionary though) of wanting to rearrange furniture in the house.

Once it is attacking, I knew my mind was jolted to be active and I would be okay soon. I tried to wait for a couple more days but the mind was very disturbed as I kept thinking about it. So I started doing my living room. One by one I moved and vacuumed and mopped until sweat drenched my clothes and bandanna. Finally I saw the whole living room was transformed. I felt so good. I felt so jubilated. I felt awesome!

Not feeling tired, I did the kitchen and enough work for a day. That night I slept soundly. Yet I dreamed about seeing a nicer bedrooms. That morning I worked on my bedroom and the study/solat room. I left the big furniture that looked stuck at certain corners. I just moved those I felt I could move. Alhamdulilah, the sweat, the joy and the new look of the entire house has given me some aspiration to keep doing something I like. when I put my love and passion doing it, I forgo my other addiction and those are FB-ing and blogging. I surfed the FB once a while as I sat at the sofa, resting, even then I could only read others and updated mine.

Alhamdulillah, the health is getting better. I sweat well and I like that so much. Tomorrow I will be at Hospital Putrajaya for a PET-CT Scan. Starting today, I have to start fasting on my daily juices and any green leafy veggies. InsyaAllah, everything will be smooth and okay. Whatever the result maybe, I have placed my tawakkal to Allah. The best it is, definitely from Him.

Update #2: Seeking Hope Fund

Alhamdulillah... syukur I extend my gratitude to Allah for I see increasing amount being debited into my account. As of today the amount that is stated in my bank account is RM1,265.00. Some of you notified me and some others don't ( I take it as some of you prefer to remain anonymous. I had the intention to itemise the payment received so that you know that you had contributed. Please drop a comment if you disagree with this and those who prefer to keep his/her identity, I'll put as 'HambaAllah'. To everyone that is generous enough to help me, I seek Allah's love and mercy to grant all you a stronger hidayah, sakinah, hasanah, barakah and rahmah...ameen.

The fund is still far from the minimum amount needed and I am pledging that many of you are inspired as much as I do to make this dream a reality. This is not a song about me alone anymore...it is about anyone of us. It is about finding faith and strengthening faith when a test such as sickness is befallen unto us. I hope I will be able to accumulate the needed amount 27th May, 2010. InsyaAllah...

Seeking Hope Fund (Tabung Ku Gapai Harap)

2010-04-26T11:40:00.009+08:00

The last time I wrote my poem entitled Ku Gapai Harap (seeking Hope), I was looking for a composer to compose a song suitable for the poem. A sister friend, Mas Zuhairin introduced me to Nazrah Anwar who said she is willing to consider working on it...

The poem is the voice spoken from the brittle heart of mine. It was raw, very very raw but I was confident Nazrah could reach out to what I wanted to express. She revamped the poem to suit the rhythm and rhyme of the song. She had made it into a beautiful song indeed.

She forwarded the skeleton of the song to me and even by listening to what she claimed as skeleton, I was so moved and was weeping badly as the song ended. She made it like I was speaking my worry and concerns... I kind of seeing the bigger picture already. In the name of Allah, I intended to share my voice with a bigger audience in a different arena... and Allah has eased me by giving me a friend who introduced Nazrah who has written many songs for and to name a few are Keabadian Cinta (sang by Anuar zain) and Teman Terulung (also sang by Anuar Zain), and Allah gave her inspiration to work on the song so soon even though most of the time, the lyrics comes after a song is being composed.... Alhamdulillah....

Last night she emailed me with the updates that she has found a producer and the producer is doing the chord charts now. We both need some funding to produce the song though. According to her, we need about RM5,000.00 to produce a song. We both do not have such large funding and we need some help from many of you.

Please listen to the song and read the lyrics are as below:

Kembaliku Pada Ilahi

Ku jitukan yakin
Pada setiap sujudku
Jariku susun rapi
Mengirim doa tulus nurani

Waktu yang mendatang
Bak mega mendung hitam
Kelam malam aku sendiri

Hujung perjalanan pasti aku pergi
Tiada mungkin dapat aku menghindari
Sebelum nafasku berhenti berdetik
Amankanlah kepedihan ini
Biar pun getir dalam ku menanti
Tak berdaya namun terus ku hadapi
Menggapai harapan diriku terpilih
Kembaliku padaMu Ilahi
Kembaliku padaMu Ilahi

Hilangkan getar duka
Gusar jauh terusir
Terang bersinar cahaya damai

Lagu: Azalea April 2010
Lirik: Raden Galoh/Azalea April 2010

To listen to the song, please click at this Youtube site:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VkSs90N1uz0

The title of the song is changed from Ku Gapai Harap (Seeking Hope) to Kembaliku PadaMu Ilahi (My Return is to You, Lord) and I would like to name the fund for this project Ku Gapai Harap (Seeking Hope)... Should you are interested in working with us (Nazrah and I) in the Name of Allah, please help us to materialise this dream...

The recent updates from her is that she is in discussion with 2 of her former students who now own film and animation companies, for the possibility of making an animated music video for the song.Maybe it should also have an English version for the song. The plan is market it internationally, online, whatever. And part of the proceeds can be channeled to a cancer cause or assisting people with cancer who needs help.

In the meantime, I will use my banking account number and my gmail acoount address for you to contact me for inquiry, further clarification and notification of your transaction.

Maybank Account No: 1143 2001 7472
Name: Dalilah Binti Tamrin
Email: datinsb@gmail.com

Deadline: 27 May 2010

I am thanking you in advance for your kind deed and generosity. It is only Allah that can repay all your kindness. Let's all pray that Allah grants this dream to be a reality and ease us all in every way... ameen.

God bless!

Bliss and Bless

2010-04-20T12:03:00.006+08:00

Today is my 20th day post early retirement. Some people call me 'A lady of leisure', but I don't really think of that calling as I really have things that I need to do in a day. I have yet to find where the leisure is since I have no house helper or maids. Yes, I have a full schedule ahead of me. My day begins at 5.00am or earlier depending on whether I can sleep the night before or I have awakened for some solidarity time with God.

The list is long but I don't want to mention here because it may look like a daily dairy and I don't want to mention anywhere about my ibadah because I don't want to be misunderstood that I gloat about it. The tasks are many but I leave out the stress and politics from all of them and I kindda like it because I more peaceful and always feel serene. With this peace and freedom, I also have more time to understand the meaning of the Qur'an, and can do zikirs at the same time I do the chores. I am more peaceful and calm like this.

I am really not in leisure but maybe because I am no longer working, it is common to call non-working women as the lady of leisure. So far, I am adjusting well to the schedule and the peace of mind has had a good impact on the body too. I rarely feel the twitching, slicing, prickling and/or throbbing pain in certain parts of my body. The sleep may still be disturbed by the hot flushes but I have found a place at my living room that is comforting enough for me to deal with hot flushes. I still can't do heavy tasks like scrubbing and mopping but I have had a good house helper that comes every Sunday to help me with some of the difficult tasks.

I am happy I can prepare different kind of juice to suit my taste buds. I have received a book from a good friend living in Italy which is written by a Qi Gong Practitioner, Jeff Primack entitled "Conquering Any Disease - the Ultimate High-Phytochemical Food Healing System" and bought a book titled: "Healthy Juices For Blood Type B - For Healthy, Cheerful and energetic Appearance" by Dr Peter J. D'Adamo. These two books has helped me with some good ideas to preparing different juices which give many beneficial and medicinal effects.

In the beginning of consuming the juices, I encounter problems of heartburn and a bloated sensation in the tummy. I found a good tip about the healthy way of drinking juices in one of the books which states: A healthy way of drinking juices is not by swallowing it immediately after sipping it. Sip bit by bit, about half the volume of the mouth. In every swallow/sip, hold for a few second in the mouth and after you feel that it has mixed with your saliva, then only you swallow it slowly. The saliva which contains an enzyme called ptialin will ease the digestion function after it is mixing well with the juice in the mouth. The good digestion function will ensure that the nutrition of the juice is absorbed well by the body system. Drinking the juice this way will avoid you from feeling bloated and having the heartburn.

The book about Conquering Any Disease stated that Acai Berry, Agaricus Blazei Muril (The most potent cancer fighting mushroom), Almond, Aloe Vera Juice, Apple with seeds and skins, Apricot Kernel (Chinese almond), Asparagus (The mighty cancer fighter), Avocado with the big seed, Basil (The powerful herb of healing), Bee Pollen, Beetroot (The miracle healer), Bitter gourd (the Insulin-like substance), Blueberry and blackberries (The Phytochemical blast), Cabbage ( Cancer crusher and stomach healer), Broccoli (The stem is the weapon), Camu Berry (the highest Vitamin c food), Carrots (Special for the lungs and eyes), Cayenne pepper (The immune power), Celery ( The yin medicine at its best), Cilantro (Master of chelation), Cinnamon (Staying balanced), Corn (Producing Lecithin), Cucumber (Blood sugar magic), Eggplants (Cleans out the pipe), Garlic (Always fighting for you), Ginger (Immune boosting agent), Grapefruit and pomelo (the ultimate cancer and disease fighter - white fuzz), Kiwi (Phytochemical powerhouse), Shitake, Maitake, Wood Ear mushrooms (Incredible healing power), Olive oil (The great lubricator), Pineapple (the miracle healing fruit), Raspberry (the potent cancer fighter), Reishi Mushroom (Strengthening immune system) are essential food items that can help us reverse cancer. These are just some of the many food items mentioned in the book.

The weather has been good so far and I have been accommodating and adjusting well to my new way of life. Sometimes, the money issue hits my mind because I still have some financial expenses or commitments to deal with and I know what I have in my saving is fast depleting but the worry is not so tormenting and troubling. I want to do some tuition class in May, yet I am rather concerned that my PET CT Scan gives a result which calls me for another round of chemo. I need my physical, mind and emotion to function well in order to teach the children. I need to be able to remember and construct a sentence well. I don't want lapse of memory or spoonerism (which I am having quite bad nowadays), I need my ability to stand or sit and talk without the huffing and puffing due to short of breath because of the chemo, and the most important thing I need to be able to control my emotions well when dealing the kids.

I am no more sad. La Tahzan for Allah is always with me is the console I give myself... I know I have found a greater love from God and in mankind, I know I found my inner peace with His guidance, I know I am surrounded by many wonderful families and friends. Life is still full of the many bounties. I am blessed that I am able to see and feel that. Thank You Lord!

Thank you for those of you who have no boredom visiting me and listening to the same ol' same ol' stories and updates... Thank you to all who has sent supplications and prayers, I am very sure that my conditions has been helped a lot from those prayers you sent. Thank you for the love for mankind that we transcend beyond creed and belief.

You all have touched my soul... May God bless y'all!

The Meetings

2010-04-17T22:23:00.005+08:00

Meeting at Hadramawt Arabian Restaurant
My handwriting in Adibah Noor's TEMAN Album

Meetings are not only for those who are working. Since I resigned from the corporate world I had engaged in many meetings. Unlike the meetings in meeting rooms, my meetings are of casual and lively ones and I like it this way.

Meeting #1: Hadramawt Lunch Treat
Friends from school years are a great gem, I said. They elated me from my sadness. They boosted my joy and made me think that with the problem I face, even if I cry blood, I will still have 4 cancers in the liver and maybe more toxic in my body. Kak Ija, Abg Dharma, Abg Chod and my junior Swang took their time to offer me a great company for lunch. We shared many jokes despite the fact that we seldom talked in school but it was indeed a blessing from God that we not only reconnect now, but the ukhuwwah is stronger... I forgot where the sadness go. I know I have a good life. I know I am surrounded by good friends.

Meeting #2: HKL Oncologist Appointment
Meeting this lady doctor has always been something I look forward to. I like to hear her honest and educational answer to every question I have, or maybe to what my husband asked. She read my report from the CT scan and discussed the possible treatment. Another shots of chemo is discussed together with its pros and cons. Since this is going to be my 3rd line chemo, she explained about any possible setback I can face including the weakened bone marrow, blood disorder, deteriorating quality of life and fatality. I discussed about every pain that occurs in my body and requested a PET CT Scan so that I see if there are other flaring in other parts of the body. I want to know up front no matter how bad it will damage my emotion, I still need to face the issue head-on. So a PET CT Scan which can only be done in Putrajaya will be arranged and I will wait for a call from the Putrajaya Hospital for the date. Following that check is another meeting with my oncologist on the chemo. I have about 3 weeks until a date can be set, so I have these weeks to seek guidance from Allah whether another cycles of chemo is the best choice for me.

Meeting #3: An evening with Nani and Sha
Today, friends I ahven't met for more than 20 years Sha came with Nani to my house. They are friends from KPP/ITM since year 1986 and to see them was indeed a wholesome joy for me. Yes, I surprised them when Sha hugged me and said that I looked well and healthy. I am blessed to have this appearance yet I told Sha that I am also having this time bomb ticking in my body. She quickly hushed me off from saying further. Not wanting to dwell into the sad topic we started digging our stories about we had left each other... Gosh! so many years actually yet it was good to recollect those missing piece and laughed our heart out. MH, my darling hubby was such a sporting partner, he left us alone reminiscing the old days and he busied himself with preparing my guests with some Rosselle juice...Darling, You are one God-sent blessing for me... thank you so much. I am still in my jovial mood something I like after every meeting with friends.

Meeting #4: Meeting with Adibah Noor
I met her last year but I am writing this special piece today because last week I received a text from her album designer that a project I engaged myself to rewrite the lyrics for a song in Adibah Noor's Album "TEMAN" has been completed and that the album is now released in the market. I am glad to see my photo with her included in the album (see top photo)... hehehehhe... if you love her voice please buy this album...

A lovely friend, Pak Malim, Kucing RAY yang alim has been sending me wonderful emails that they either cracked a laughter out of my chest or lift my sadness away... today I want to pick one email from this lovely friend...

You are blessed always!

You may not have the house, car or job that you wanted,
But you know you are still blessed!

You may not have someone to call you sweetheart,
But you know you are still blessed, worthy and whole...

You may not like the way your body feels or looks right now,
But you know you are still blessed and beautiful...

You may be facing slow progress with your goal,
But you still feel determined...

You may found fault in yourself and others
And yet, you continue to teach your heart to heal
And live with wisdom, discernment and love

You may struggle with issues of anger, resentment, depression or worry,
But you know you are too blessed to be stressed..

You may feel stuck between 'when and why',
And yet, you remain grateful, hopeful and proactive...

People may misunderstood you, drain you, critisize you or ignore you,
And yet your self esteem, courage and peace of mind remain in tact.

The Ultrasound

2010-04-13T12:15:00.003+08:00

I just completed the ultrasound check this morning. My recent appointment with my surgeon had suggested that I get the approximation of the cancer sizes in the liver and the liver function test to find out the severity of the liver condition.

The liver function test came back today. Everything was normal except alkali phosphatase which is above the reference for a safer margin. The reading is 151 and the safe margin is between 0 to 104. Not knowing what it means, I will refer this matter to my Oncologist when I see her this Friday.

This morning I went to the Nuclear Centre and Breast Cancer Detection Clinic for an appointment at 10.30am. The queue was long yet I was like happy to see many now come forward to do the necessary checks of mammogram, pap smear, ultrasound and bone scanning at this centre.

My turn came at 11.30am. The conversation with the ultrasound doctor, Dr Sulaiman was friendly as we have known each other for 5 years now. He immediately scanned my abdomen and pelvic of which we noticed a new growth of cancer at segment 6 which is closer to the kidney. That cancer is about 2 by 2 cm now. The incident that caused me to be rushed to the Emergency Unit last 2 weeks was an indication that there is a lesion that's depressing the kidney. It was not a sign, it was a telling. The body is telling me of the new lesion.

The cancer at segment 4A which is located in the middle liver is now growing and we got the approximate measurement that it is now a 6 by 5 cm lesion and the one at segment 8 which is located near the bile duct is growing from 7 mm to 1 by 1 cm. We couldn't measure the lesion at segment 2 which located at the right back liver. The location is too deep at the back making it hard to be detected using the ultrasound mechanism.

I didn't feel sad as I talked about the new lesion and the increased size of the cancer with Dr Sulaiman. Only when I read the report that he mentioned there is progression about the disease as compared to the previous check, my emotion was stirred. I sat quietly at one corner and wiped my tears. I texted my husband and siblings. I updated my status in the Facebook with the result. The sadness grew thicker. In the nick of time, my lovely sister Kak Ija came and rescued me from being drowned in my own sorrow. I thought I wanted to cancel the meet but I am happy now that I didn't do that. The meeting with Abg Dharma, Abg Chod and Swang (Feisal) with Kak Ija at Hadramawt Arabic Restaurant had helped me to forget the sadness.

I am not giving in. I am not giving up. Not yet, while I still breathe. I have tried many things and it saddened me when people in a way told me that I am not doing good enough... I really don't understand what is good enough...is being cured means good enough? How about if finally I succumb to the disease? That you all are going to tell me that I fail and am not good enough? How about having this disease as something the best from Allah as mentioned in Surah Al-Baqarah verse 216 which is translated by Abdullah Yusuf Ali as Fighting is prescribed upon you and ye dislike. But it is possible that ye dislike a thing which is good for you, and that ye love a thing which is bad for you. But Allah knoweth and ye know not.

I have placed my faith in the AlMighty and I am very sure the cancer is just the tip of the iceberg. It is only a disease that Allah makes it a reason for me to correct so many things and for my family to improve on so many things. As I mentioned many times that cancer is a blessing bestowed upon me, it is never a mishap, it is never a curse, it is never a punishment. I am reminded to make myself a better man in the eyes of Allah and this cancer is a constant reminder about the need for me to always stay closer to God and have Him constantly in my heart. Remember Him, stay close to Him, seek Him and pledge for His mercy and love. I still far from what Allah wants, that is why He wants me to improve and improve and stay close to Him. He wants me to feel Him closer to me and feel His love and mercy wrapping every pain I have to endure.

I have decided to engage in conducting many talks that use this journey as a platform to understand pain and disease that come as tribulation from Allah. I want people to understand how this cancer shapes my faith, my resilience and my love to Him and all living things. I want people to understand beyond this dreaded journey and hardship, Allah gives me the sweetness in the form of the many blessings that I learn to count since I have cancer spread.

Now I have 4 lesions of the angry cancer in my liver. And they seem to grow despite all efforts I do curb the growth. They not only increase in size, but also in number. Innalillahi wainna ilaihi roji'un. It is sad yes, but sadness must not conquer my thinking. I have been given the ability to see with my inner heart, so I must not stop using my insight to evaluate what is happening to my body. There is a bigger picture that I need to be able to view, not the disease. This is a sign of God's love to me, the way I feel it, the way I see it.

When this journey ends is not a question I must ponder upon, it is about enriching this journey that I must constantly dwelling in.

Ya Allah, I seek Your forgiveness...I seek Your mercy and love... I seek Your protection...

La hawla wala quwata illaa billahil aliyil azim....

My Little Angel

2010-04-12T10:02:00.003+08:00

It has been a great today. I am feeling upbeat and the concoction of soursop and pineapple juice is giving a de-stressing effect on me. Last week was the concoction of bitter gourd, green apples, carrots and celery stalks taken every morning. The the breakfast would be chewing and munching Pecah Beling leaves, Sambung Nyawa leaves and mulberries.

Life has been great so far. The pain elsewhere in the body seems to vanish. I only have heartburn issues that is bearable. The mood swing is absurd but I have my little angel, Idris who constantly reminding me that anger and bad mood are not good for my health. He would normally do this to me - pat my back and said this mantra: Mummy, marah tu tak bagus...buang...buang...buang jauh-jauh (Mummy this anger is not good..throw it away..throw it away...) and he would do the throwing act. Seeing him like that always makes me laugh aloud.

I have no idea where he knows about the damage that anger can make to a body but he always tells me that I can get sick if I constantly get angry or upset. He always makes his best efforts at cheering me up including making some funny faces and acts. The bottom line, he wants to see me smiling. Until I smile and am no longer upset he will continue doing something to cheer me up. This little angel is my blessing that Allah sends to get rid of the terrible mood swing. Everyone at times calls him the Joker as He can spread laughter by just hearing him laughs...

Thank you Allah... thank you for giving me a way to deal with the bad and terrible moodiness.

He is at school now, but suddenly I kindda miss him.... Unlike his elder brother, Idris is more vocal and expressive. He lets his feelings known to us, the parents. I think a typical of someone born in the year 1999, they have some specialty to win the hearts of their loved ones...

Idris likes to cuddle me and every time I rest on the sofa, he would sit down next to my legs and let his head rest on my feet. He would occasionally kiss my feet or hands. Whenever we have our outing, he would love to hold hands with me, he would make sure he waits for me if I get out of the car later and make sure no car as I want to cross a parking space.

In a restaurant, MH has to sit in front of me and Idris is next to me. It's like a rule for him already. In the car, he has to sit behind me and sometimes touch my head for some security. This act always reminds me of his habit when he was a baby that he loved to play with my hair until he falls asleep.

One thing I find embarrassing is that he can run to me in public places and suddenly kiss my chest! Haahahahaha... I always whack him back because he needs to stop doing that. He is 11 years old this year.... No matter how I like to get that special way of him telling that he loves me, I have to learn that he is now a growing kid... I cannot allow him continue doing what people may see it wrong...hahahahhaa

Idris, this entry is for you... oneday, you will read this piece and understand that Mummy will always love you and miss you...

No wonder people say children are our bundle of joy....

Tomorrow, I'll have my ultrasound test done on my abdomen. The Oncologist needs to know the approximate size of the growing cancers in the liver. About an hour ago, my Onco nurse called me up to mention that I can see my Onco doctor this friday...

Today is the chicken soup day. It is Idris' favourite dish. I better start cooking now...

Out of Emergency Unit to Giving A Talk

2010-04-07T12:18:00.008+08:00

Alhamdulillah, today I am feeling much better. So many things had happened last week. On Friday I was admitted to the Emergency Unit of Hospital Kuala Lumpur as I had excruciating pain on my right waist. I asked MH to send me to HKL because I was too scared that it might be the cancer going to the pelvic bone.

After a series of test conducted (blood, x-ray and urine), the doctor concluded that it is only an infection detected in the urine. I was given antibiotics and some sodium solution to alkalized the urine as well as some pain killer pills. The antibiotics had somehow cause bad heartburn to me. I increased the dose of the bitter gourd juice because the heartburn made me think that it is the liver that is signaling it is not happy. Alhamdulillah, I was not warded and permitted to go home.

I managed to cycle to my mom's house using my son's mountain bike. It was hard and looked like I was using whole effort to push the pedals but I managed to reach Mom's house drenched in my own sweats! I did it anyway and I was happy!

On Monday, Mom cooked some meat dish for lunch. I am not in favor of any meat dish so it was only my hubby and son who ate it. Somehow, I found out that it was buffalo meat and that had caused my husband's BP to rise. After a visit to a clinic, he was given 2 days MC to rest. While he rested, I took the opportunity to redo my slides presentation for the talk that I have confirmed attending in Cyberjaya University College of Medical Sciences. Alhamdulillah, my health was good and I managed to complete the updating a day before the talk.

Yesterday at 3pm I was at the University College giving the talk. I was supposed to have 180 plus students as my audience but some didn't make it. The less number didn't hinder me to do my talk because it is to those who attend that I knew they were keen and interested to know and gain knowledge. I have made a pledge to do the talk in the Name of Allah, thus I must fulfill my pledge.

It was a blessed day. My health was better than the day before even though my audience realized that at one point my tiredness was rather apparent in my voice. I am still grateful today that another yearly event in that University College has been fulfilled.

Alhamdulillah....

This time we shared more funny moments than tears. I didn't want them to feel sad. I want them to have a greater motivation in becoming future doctors. I want them to always include the human factor in dealing with their patients. I want them to see my journey as the ignition that many still needs to be done to improve awareness about BC to the society and maybe they can start with a small step in their family.

This morning I don't have electricity in my house. Apparently the whole village was affected since the wee hours. Mom said it was because the 7.4 scalar Richter earth quake in Sumatera. I am not sure if it is a coincidence or it is really an effect of the quake. But I was very drenched in my sweat when I got up at 5am this morning. We used candles to ease me in the kitchen while preparing breakfast for the boys. It was sometimes after 7am the electricity resumed.

My early retirement days have started with more time for me to rest and have more quality time with my family. I am feeling good. I am feeling peaceful. I have ample time to read the Qur'an and alhamdulilah, the reading and the resting have had good effect on my mind and health. InsyaAllah...

I just bought another soursop for me to blend. My aunt has planted Noni Morinda tree and I can just pick up the fruit and the leaves to blend. I am cleansing the urinary tract with watermelon juice. I am cleansing my liver with bitter gourd, carrot, green apples and celery stalks combo juice. We try anything within reach. I don't think Allah wants me to burden myself with burning my pockets and trouble my family with buying those expensive-claimed-can-cure-cancer products...

AsI mentioned in my talk yesterday, Allah gives us a reminder in Surah Yunus verse 107: If Allah do touch thee with hurt, there is none can remove it but He; If He do design some benefit for thee, there is none can keep back His favour; He causeth it to reach whomsoever of His servants He pleaseth. And He is the Oft-Forgiving, the Most Merciful.

Forgive me ya Robb!

Have a great day dearest brothers and sisters. God bless y'all.

Feeling On Top Of The World

2010-04-01T10:54:00.006+08:00

After every bitter taste there comes the sweetness, someone told me yesterday. Ah! How it hit straight home. Bulls eye!

After many days being in the lowest valley of my emotion, it is coming back to the surface to feel that warm sunshine and the joy of life. Yes, I am today feeling so much like a free bird flying high enjoying the wholesome and awesome moments of my life... SubhanaAllah... and Thank you God for taking my sadness away.

Two close friends visited me at home. The good laughter we shared as we reminisced the old-time sake was instantly killing my sadness and my pain. I thought I laughed until I wiped some tears from the corner of my eyes. We had some funny moments in the university and it was good to still have some of those intact in my memory and to some other memories that were vanishing, I felt happy that they made me remember it back. Life in the university was challenging but it was darn awesome and full of thrill.

I am not at home today. I am in the heart of this Cosmopolitan City of Kuala Lumpur. I hate the hustle and bustle. But I loved some other things. The leisure and enjoyment of window shopping, the brisk walking while enjoying the freshly baked and aromatic smell of Famous Amos, reading at a bench or just simply sitting and ejoying the sceney of the beautiful park and fountain.

Surrounded by the green lush, I am seated at a bench at the KLCC Central Park typing my thoughts away for this blog. It is quiet here and I feel so wrapped in serenity. I feel awed and blessed blended as one that I feel no pain and tired. The mind is free from the chaotic and tangling office politics. In its truesome sense, I feel so blissful!

I have quite an itinerary today. I told MH that I would like to start my out-of-office life by doing what I like most that is finding therapy in sitting a large garden and writing. When he asked me where would that be (you see, my garden is small and i dont have shaddy trees) I told him it will be here at the heart of Kuala Lumpur. It has been so long that I wanted to do this. To sit and inhale the good fresh air, and at the same time writing away. God is indeed a Great Planner as I have this free moment, the event for the Press Conference for the Asto Oasis Programme is scheduled today at 3pm. Thus, after enjoying my me-time at KLCC, I can adjourn to Bangsar Shopping Centre to attend the event.

My battle with cancer was in one of the 13 episodes for a programme entitled: Sehiris Peria, Secawan Madu (A Slice of Bitter Gourd, A Cup of Honey) which means literally in every hard and difficult test, there contains many blessings for us. Alhamdulillah... this programme is finally scheduled to be aired as the shoots were done many moons ago. They interviewed my family (Mom, Dad, My Hubby, My boys) as part of understanding the feelings of caregivers taking care of me, the patient and battling the disease together with the patient/survivor. An upclose and personal interview with me was done too but it was not placed at my house, it was at the National Cancer Society Malaysia (NCSM) Centre in Kg Baru.

I still feel a bit odd without the rushing. This leisure and casual feeling is awesome! Indeed, I am enjoying the commencement of my early retirement. My little boy asked why I dressed up this morning and after I told him about the Press Conference which I want to attend, he said: Okay, make sure tomorrow you stay home. Haahahaha... Yes, I have the Summer Broccoli seeds that I want to plant... I have taken out my gardening hat and gloves.. and I am looking forward to another me-time with my plants and flowers - some pruning, some pampering, some pep-talks... hahahaha..yes, I talk to my plants asking them to recite zikrs for me to get well too. I want to start my day with some brisk walking around my village, visit my mother or have some breakfast with her and later tend my garden... I pray, my health gets better so all those in the itinerary can be implemented successfully. InsyaAllah...

Life is good has become quite a significant motto of my life. I don't care if I sounded like the spokesperson of LG Company for its electrical products.. That tagline fits nicely into my feeling at the moment.

It is great to keep the emotion intact. It is awesome to have a cheerful smile on my face, like the world is mine, like I won a lottery! Hahahaha.... It is good to feel happy this way. In fact, this morning I just gave some small money away to an Arab family because the security guard couldn't comprehend that the Arab family wanted some change to be inserted into the mini carousel for their little girl to have some good-time. He needed the small change as he didn't have it. I just inserted the small change I have for them and when he wanted to pay me with some coins he had, I told him: it's okay, it's my treat for this good day... They all beamed feeling so happy and after doing so, I felt even happier that I make someone else happy. That is a jolt of positive vibes to me and I love it!

I am thinking about eating some bitter sweet dark chocolate today.... No... not GODIVA choc... that one I will wait for RC to bring gome from Houston... hehehehehe

Bumpy Road 3

2010-03-30T11:20:00.002+08:00

I have been feeling unwell. The tiredness is astonishing! I really can't figure out why I am feeling easily tired when actually I am not even exerting myself with doing the house chores.

These few days are madness to me. I feel like a mad woman without a proper function of the memory. Badly fogged it has been that I cannot even utter a properly structured sentence when I converse with a friend. Words go missing in the air and I was like expecting them to finish my lines. Writing and updating the blog is halted because I take an excruciating time to construct proper sentence and I am not even thinking about good punchy lines here. Just constructing a mere correct sentence is terribly difficult. If you find it difficult to understand my ramblings, please pardon me.

Today this unwell feeling is taking me downhill. Every joint is in pain. The neck is stiffed. The eyes are heavy like I haven't slept for many nights. If I don't engaged in anything, I would have fallen asleep already. MH took me to Kuala Lumpur Hospital today to meet up with the surgeon that did the mastectomy op 5 years ago. I needed an expert opinion since I cannot get it from the Oncologist (she was not in the country when I visited the clinic). The crowd is huge and the queues are long and it's expected anyway. Thank God, I brought my laptop, at least I have something to browse and surf while waiting for my turn. MH is sitting next to me, reading a book. He must be reading a good book that he is so engrossed in it.

Walking from the car park to the Breast Clinic was quite a task for me with the knees and ankles feeling so tight. Every step is felt like a great milestone. Reaching the clinic was a victory. Even though the feeling is rather upside down, I am trying to project the best positive mood ever. I believe in what I wish is what I get. With that in mind, I wish not to look sick and think like a sick person. I want to stay upbeat. The joint pains are just a reason for me to slow down but it will not be the reason to make me sick. I will rest more to combat the tiredness.

I like to keep on telling myself that as long as there is life, there is hope. Even when I have reached the end of the road or end of a cliff, there is still hope. All I need to do is tie the knot and hang on!

This bumpy road is a test of my life. A test of my faith. A test of my resilience. As mentioned in Surah Al-Anbiya verse 35 : Every soul will taste death and for you, We bring upon you the good and bad as your tests and to Us you must return.

I take this test as my kafarah. As a human being, I am easily swayed into forgetting to keep on doing what is righteous. Every day when I am feeling ok, the time to read the Qur'an is replaced with doing something else, busying myself with some of the worldly matters. I have allocated between Mahgrib and Isya' prayers for some solidarity time or if my energy permits, I do it also after the Dawn prayer. But off late because I need to settle some tasks in the office before the early retirement, even Maghrib prayer is done in the office and I left the office normally by 8pm. I would be tired like a dog as I reached home. This sounds like a lame excuses already. I must do it diligently because I know I find greater inner peace reading the Holy Qur'an and understanding its meaning. There is an intrinsic therapy every time I do it.

Off late my mind wanders..... thinking about matters pertaining to death... making me recollect and reminisce... so many sins I have done... Goosshhh! My emotion is so so...subdued and my eyes easily welled up tears for no reason. This bumpy road is almost making me fall.

Astaghfirullahal 'azeem... Tubna Ila Allah... Tubna Ila Allah...

Bumpy Road 2

2010-03-24T15:48:00.005+08:00

The effects of ARIMIDEX on me are making me to have frequent bodily pains and bad headache. I recognize that the headache is not like the throbbing migraine pain. I know because I was often attacked with migraine pain before I got cancer. This one is more like having imbalance of the liquid in the brain and that I feel my world is swaying and swinging making me to have difficulty standing up and walking around.

I am in the process of tidying up my tasks before retiring early from working. I want the handing over to be smooth and people will not call me just to find documents or files once I stay home. I wish not to think about the office anymore. As of now, I am already feeling so much lighter every time I wake up in the morning. Like a hefty burden is lifted off my chest. I like the mood that is upbeat and not worrying about what I am going to face in the office. And because I want to make sure everything is in proper order, I decided to come to office even though I usually get disturbed by the pain that occurs here and there in my body.

Somehow, this morning I had to discontinue my intention to go to work when I realized that I almost fell off because of the imbalance feeling in the head. The vision is blurred too and I got panic attack feeling that way so I called up my husband and he said that he would fetch me up and send me home. I told him my conditions and the tests that I had conducted on myself to compare if I skipped having the pill with that when I consume it. I told him that I would make do without the pill as I don't like this 'drunken-look-and feel' of myself. He was okay with my decision but reminded me to continue juicing myself. Yes, I have increased my juicing efforts now.

The previous entry contained a poem that I think many of you don't understand because of the language barrier. And I am deeply moved that 2 composers are indicating their willlingness to work on composing a music for it to become a song. Alhamdulillah, I hope my intention to share my heart's voice with the world in a larger perspective will come to fruition. I was just toying with the silly idea and thinking that the poem is pretty much raw, I know it would hard to get any composer to consider it as a music project. I am thanking Allah when I received good responses.

I received a few mesages asking me the meaning of the poem. To benefit others who don't understand Bahasa Melayu, I translated it as follows:

I Reach Out To Hopes

I solidify my faith
In every prostration
I extend prayers
Sending the voices of my heart
I reach out to hopes
So the shuddering sadness is vanished
Worry is thrown away

What may come
Is like a dark cloudy sky
Horrifyingly bleak
I reach out to hopes
For serenity to glow
Breezy in tranquility

The end of the road is assured
No one can run away from it
The beginning of an eternal life
I reach out to hopes
That I bring enough cater
To live peacefully in serenity

Tomorrow is uncertain
Would I still be running again
Do I have the efforts
For my lips to bud a smile
I reach out to hopes
Ease and lightness not heftily difficult
For me to bid farewell
When departing

I solidify my faith
To You Dear God

Note: Thank you for the beautiful comments dear all. Thank you.

Allaahumma hasibni, hisabbayyasiiraa...

Ku Gapai Harap

2010-03-22T11:34:00.004+08:00

Ku jitukan yakin
pada setiap sujudku
jariku susun rapi
Mengirim doa tulus nurani
Ku gapai harap
Hilanglah getar duka
Gusar jauh terusir

Waktu mendatang
Bak mega mendung
Hitam kelam
Ku gapai harap
Tenang menyinar
Damai yang nyaman

Hujung perjalanan pasti
Tiada mungkin dihindari
Permulaan hidup yang kekal
Ku gapai harap
Bekalku mencukupkan
Aman dan tenang

Esok masih belum pasti
Mampukan berlari lagi
Berdayakah
Bibir menguntum senyum
Ku gapai harap
Ringan bukan berat
Tanganku hulur
Saat berpisah

Ku jitukan yakin
PadaMu Ilahi

Raden Galoh
Banting, 21 March 2010

Note:
I am looking for a musician to come up with the music/song for this poem/lyrics and I am thinking of Adibah Noor or Anuar Zain to sing this song. What say you?

Bouncing Back... BOINGGGGGG!

2010-03-19T10:11:00.006+08:00

The grieving days were over - that was my Facebook status yesterday. Yes, I have bounced back to life and have extended an open arm and heart to accept what was read, mentioned by the doctor and what is happening to me.

The two days were moments that I needed to go deeper pondering into my own self. They were the days that I let myself feel the love given by God. I have had numerous close calls since 2008 and I am still breathing on earth. I have had scary moments undergoing the chemo ordeal, most of the time making my husband's heartbeat stopped for a second or two when he thought I was not breathing anymore. But I am still here and despite the pain here and there, I have lost what complaining and whining really mean. Those are part and parcel of being in this journey.

I had a good moment for myself. The selftalk witnessed by the two angels on my left and right and the pledges and prayers to God had somehow killed the insecurity that was about to stem. When I got up in the morning, a sudden surge of peacefulness seeped and I felt so much protected and secured. Whatever may come, I kind of convinced that I will be alright.

MH took time, again, explaining what is going to the boys. This time it was not difficult to make them understand. I believe, they also have come to terms with what is going on with their mother. Somehow, I am so relieved that they took this matter with no denial and entails an indication that they understood it from the religious point of view.

Last night I received a visitor, my father-in-law's little brother, my Pak Usu and Mak Us with their daughter and son-in-law and grand-children. It was good to see them, and have a good chat with them all. As I told my parents, I am not shutting my life up. I am not giving up. I just need to stop doing what is not working for me and try out something else. Battling with cancer, I need to have the strongest gut to strive and put aside what giving up is all about. Accompanied with my prayers and your prayers, this test will become a good teacher for me and you, for all of us.

I know this test is just the tip of an iceberg for something else. I know it contains a deeper meaning about understanding our role as Khalifah and His servants on earth. I know it relates to sharpening our wisdom with humility and patience. I know I am still far from all those, that's why Allah wants me to realign my life and direct it towards the path He has guided me in. The temptations of the worldly matters are strong and the test as mankind is undeniably a trying matter. Forgive me Dear Lord!

My heart needs some purification. I still have some sickness in it. The disease in the liver is only the outer part of it. The deeper test is how forgiving I have become? How much love have i spread on earth? I have to start with myself..I have to forgive myself before forgiving others. I have done many foolish things. I have followed the voice of my heart that led to nothing but the negative vibes. I know the enemy that is growing in me. I know scientifically it feeds on those. Anger, depression, sadness or the uncontrolled emotions - all call for bad energy flowing in the body. I need to counter attcak it with the happy thoughts and the ability to take charge of who rules the body - the cancer or me.

That's when I decided to be the ONE in charged and controlling. The cancer can conquer the liver. But it will not conquer my mind and my spirit. The cancer can be mean to my liver but it cannot be mean to me that makes my smile fade away. I will live in a happier life. I will stay positive and keep my belief in the highest order. I know Allah is with me, listening and guiding me all the way. He will not point to me the way out directly. That would be too easy for all of us. That is pampering and I know He loves us without the pamper. The test is the sign of His love. It is me that needs to do the extra work. I just need to open my insight and see the ray of light He has always provided me with.

Live life to the fullest. That's what I'm holding on at the moment. Cherish each day. That's what I trying to achieve. Smile and think happy thoughts. Those are the things that would definitely cheer me up. Bersangka baik dengan Allah (always think good of Allah and His tests upon us). That's what I will start with. Laugh, live and love. That's what I want to spread. Count my blessing and always be grateful. Those are the lesson of my test.

We can say life is unfair but we must not say God is unfair. Life is meant to be unfair so that we get the mystery of life and thrive on. I want to share a friend's reminder to me:

We never get what we want.
We never want what we get.
We never have what we like.
We never like what we have.
And still we live and love...
That's life...

Thank you for your prayers dearest brothers and sisters. I need it and appreciate your efforts of sparing your thoughts, virtual and physical hugs, as well as moments to pray for me. Your supports are like cushion that protects me from a hard fall. Your advice and reminders are cleansing my heart. I thank you again for not being boring to come by and drop a line or two. Allah is definitely telling me that I have love surrounding me. And I want to be fair that I must love and spread love to my surrounding too...

Have a great weekend and May God bless you all...

The Result

2010-03-16T21:47:00.006+08:00

Since last night my heart was feeling not right. A text message sent at the wee hour from Jeddah made me sleepless after that. I was in shocked. I grieved in disbelief that a sister blogger Ruby Ahmad had passed away last night.

This morning was my trip to HKL to get the report on the recent Ct Scan result. In the mean time, I sent some messages to friends to confirm the sad news. Indeed, the news was accurate. My heart sank deeper. She was diagnosed with breast cancer many years ago and survived it after bouts of treatments. This January some lesions were spotted in her liver and a few days before she was warded in Gleaneagles, she noted that her eyes were yellowish already. I recited al-fatihah for sis Ruby. May her soul be blessed and be joined with the solihiin. ameen.

At the hospital so many people were already waiting. The boys followed us thinking that we could adjorn to KLCC for a short afternoon outing. But I got a long queue, my number was 7050 and we got our turn only sometimes at 3pm. By then the mind is already tired of waiting.

When I entered the Doctor's room, I was rather disheartened to see another doctor was flipping through my file. My Oncologist was on leave so I got a young trainee doctor. Not wanting to be more upset, I asked the young doctor if she could tell me about the recent report and she simply read it like: Oh they have grown bigger. I was not satisfied with her explanation so I asked if I could read the report myself.

As I read through it, it stated that the cancers do not grow elsewhere in the liver. However, those detected last Jun at segment 2, 4A and 8 have grown bigger and become more apparent. MH asked further what's the next best step to take, and the doctor asked our permission to discuss with another senior consultant doctor... I know she couldn't decide so I just nodded my head.

When she was away, tears started welling in my eyes until the dam leaked and it streamed down my cheeks. My lil one, Idris, came to me and patted my back with his little mouth kept saying be patient Mom... as he looked into my eyes and wiped my tears...God! If only he understands what the report means... I cried not because I am not accepting this test. I am sad because I know I'll make my parents sad and this breaking news will break their hearts.

Once the tears welled, it didn't stop. When the doctor came back with her suggestion that I tried Arimidex to curb the growth of those lesions, I cried more because I felt too tired to take anymore drug. This one is also causing fluid retention and I was asking myself how big shall i become? The doctor persuaded that it is only for amonth. In a month time, I will need to do further cancer marker test to see if the reading shoots or otherwise. A month to comnsume Arimidex as testing to see if the cancer cells respond to the drug. If they have not, we know cancer cells are already immune to the drug. I hope by a month time, I can see my Oncologist to get her best advice.

In the car, I started updating my FB status with tears streaming. God! I thought I was strong enough to brace this day but I was not. I was more worried about breaking the news to my parents. I started texting family members and friends. In this hard time, I was even shocked to get messages from those who take this matter like a small issue. Like I make a bigger fuss out of this normal news. No empathy. More of sermons about what I must do. I noted their intention and brushed my bruised feeling aside.

I read all messages in the FB with more tears. MH asked me if I was sad reading them, then I don't read 'em. I told him that I was not sad but so moved and deeply touched by all support. I thought I would cry alone but so many cried with me. Thank you for feeling me. Thank you for being next to me and offer me your shoulders when I need one...

Thank you dear brothers and sisters. Again, my pledge to all you is to continue praying that Allah gives me the strength to brace what future may come, to instill the needed patience and to ease my ordeal when my time has come.

I am persuading myself with AlBaqarah 216. I have noted the many blessings that come with this test. I am taking it will full acceptance. Nobody wants this dreading disease, but after many efforts, hopes and prayers, it still exists, I know Allah has better plans for me and this is the best for the time being.

At this point of time, I am feeling much better even though tears still easily welled whenever I think about it. But I have gained more rational than when I was sad. InsyaAllah, I'll be alright despite the worsening conditions of my liver. I shall not be sad for Allah is with me... The boys have been amazingly stronger than me. They know my conditions will get worse and they know with cancer you don't have an absolute answer on how to cure it. All belongs to Allah and His will. They kept consoling me with Allah loves you Mom that why He tests you like this...

Please walk with me dear all. Please bear with my 'nothing-new-and-expected' condition. Unlike our late Kak Ruby who managed to keep her sickness a secret from all of us, I tell the whole world because I needed all of you and I am not as strong as her...

Forgive me Dear Lord and hold me always in Your Mercy and Love... ameen.

My Feeling 3

2010-03-14T20:34:00.005+08:00

I am sorry if my previous entry drew a worry in all of you. Or send some panic attack to some.

That entry stated the condition of my feeling that I am troubled with many things in my workplace. The chemo effect has caused bad brain fog or chemo brain effect, making me to have a short span of memory. Having that state and having so many things to handle in the office calls for some hazardous repercussion. I am concerned with that. I am thinking of being free again, and not being worried that I may become a liability to the Company.

My health is my upmost concern at the moment. Yes, I can't deny that I need the salary to cushion my financial burden at least it landed on some soft spot and would not be too hard on us. But then, I am very much concerned with my ability to remember and my energy level. Many times my Oncologist reminded me that I haven't fully recovered from the chemo so I must not exert myself. Working late and not having enough rest have made me feeling tired easily. Being maidless, I still have some chores to do as I reach home despite how late I arrive home. That deprives me from having enough rest. The body is tired. The mind is burdened. Those are too dangerous for my condition.

After many moons contemplating and seeking guidance from Allah, I am very much convinced that I will be okay without the salary that I am getting now... It is Allah that determines how much rezeki we will get, it is He who will expand every dollar we get ot shorten every thousand we earn... I may want to go back into teaching and conducting tuition like before. At least I work on my own pace and doing something I like most - contributing some small return to the people in my hometown...

This Tuesday I will be seeing my Oncologist and this follow up will reveal the result of the recent CT Scan. I went to my parent's house this evening and talked to them about getting ready with every possibility. I am no longer anxious and nervous about receiving the result. What may come, I will accept it with an open heart. Whatever the result maybe, I know that is the best given to me.

My body still aches here and there. Sometimes at the incision area on my chest, sometimes somewhere at the femur or leg or ankle or arm or my back. The pain would come throbbing or prickling and at times stirs some worry but I am always able to console myself with some rememberance of Allah and persuading myself to accept it as part and parcel of living my life with cancer in my body.

I am thanking Allah that even at times when the pain hits, I am still able to count my blessing. I am not seeking a cure from other entity than Allah. It is in God's mercy and love that I put my pledges and prayers. Alhamdulillah, Allah is indeed so loving and generous, in times that I felt so much disturbed by the pain, He brings me friends and family members who can always make me smile and forget the pain.

Many times I mention that cancer comes with many blessings and it is never a mishap to me. I am now seeing it as a gift - an anugerah like we Malay speak. This gift is not something that I can shout about but this gift has open my heart, mind and soul.

Today, I am comforted that it is okay to let go my job.
Today, I am convinced that everyone supports my decision to be free again.
Today, I am at peace.
Today, I am ready to face tomorrow.

I have placed my sadness aside for I know Allah is with me and us all...

Thank you for all of you who reads my entry and send a prayer, a thought and some reminders. I am blessed to have all of you.

May God bless you all too.

My feeling 2

2010-03-12T13:01:00.004+08:00

I am not feeling well.
My heart sank.
My emotions drops.
My eyes get teary.

The body aches.
The heart worries.
The headache torments.
Everything seems not right.

The storm has arrived, again.
The feeling is unsettled.
The confidence slumps.

I am letting go.
I have to be fair with my body.
It can take it no more.
The stress is uphilling.
The tiredness accumulates.
The pain is telling.

I have decided.
I want to be free, again....

RG- 12 March 2010.

Phrases For Thought

2010-03-08T16:59:00.004+08:00

Believe in Yourself!

Do not follow where the path may lead.
Go instead where there is no path and leave a trail.

There is nothing...
... like a dream to create the future.

Persistence prevails...
... when all else fails.

What I do today is important
because I am exchanging a day of my life for it.

Enjoy where you are at...
... while you are waiting to get to where you want to be!

Keep your eyes on the stars...
... and your feet on the ground.

Count Your Many Blessings.

Anger is a condition...
...in which the tongue works faster than the mind.

You can't change the past,
but you can ruin the present by worrying over the future.

All people smile in the same language.

A hug is a great gift... one size fits all.
It can be given for any occasion and it's easy to exchange.

Everyone needs to be loved...
especially when they do not deserve it.

The real measure of a man's wealth is...
.... what he has invested in eternity.

Everyone has beauty
but not everyone sees it.

It's important for parents to live....
.... the same things they teach.

Thank God for what you have,
TRUST GOD for what you need.

If you fill your heart with regrets of yesterday and the worries of tomorrow,
you have no today to be thankful for.

Man looks at outward appearance
but God looks within.

The choice you make today...
... will usually affect tomorrow.

Take time to laugh,
for it is the music of the soul.

Patience is the ability to idle your motor...
... when you feel like stripping your gears.

Love is strengthened by working...
...through conflicts together.

The best thing parents can do for their children is...
... to love each other.

Harsh words break no bones
but they do break hearts.

To get out of a difficulty,
one usually must go through it.

We take for granted the things...
... that we should be giving thanks for.

Love is the only thing that can be...
...divided without being diminished.

Happiness is enhanced by others
but does not depend upon others.

For every minute you are angry with someone,
you lose 60 seconds of happiness that you can never get back.

Have a WONDERFUL WEEK AHEAD!

Cleansing The Heart

2010-02-25T10:58:00.005+08:00

All aspects in life starts with what we have in our heart or in simpler word; our intention. Our heart has voices: the good and the bad ones. As a human being, it is part of our temptations and tribulations that we sometimes have so many dirty things brought up by the heart to the mind and finally controlling our actions.

The bad disease for the heart is when we have so much of anger controlling our lives, so much jealousy, bad perceptions, hatred and judgements of the people around us, and the inability to offer forgiveness to the fellow mankind for the mistakes done. Today, let’s indulge in a little pondering about our heart.

1. Perform the prayers and do not forget to submit a supplication after each prayer. Take a moment to always supplicate as Allah considers those who perform the solats without offering supplication to Him as the ungrateful servants and arrogant. So don’t forget to ask from Him and to cleanse your heart, include this simple prayers as your supplication: “O Allah, please clean my heart and guard myself from anything that may blacken my heart”.

2. Forward a ‘Selawat’ to the prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) at least 100 times before we sleep. Apart from it’s a good soul cleansing mechanism, it is also an easy investment for us as every ‘selawat’ we forward to the prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him), we will get the chances for his syafaat in the Hereafter. Besides our sins will be forgiven, we will have a clear mind and a peaceful heart, a tendency for people to love us and it ignites a lot of good things in our lives.

3. Perform a special prayer – Solat Taubat (To Repent) and/or Tahajjud (Midnight prayer)– Besides asking for forgiveness, this prayer cleanses the heart and offers us a peaceful mind. It is still not easy for me to get up especially when both my mind and body are tired.

4. Reading Al-Qur’an- the more we read the Qur’an, the more we will feel the benefits of it. Reading Al-Qur’an can cleanse our heart & soul; give remedy, offer serenity and acts as a form of therapy. At least read/recite "Qulhu-Allah" 3 times. Make sure the mahraj (pronunciation and enunciation) and the tajwid are correct. If you can read it with tarannum, you have added gift there, but if you don’t as long as the mahraj of the words and the tajwid are correctly uttered we are safe. Try to comprehend the meaning of the verses as we get more solace if we understand what we are reading. I found reading the Holy Qur’an helps to tone my stone-like heart. I learn to bend my ego when I began understanding the meaning of one surah to another. I relate each meaning with the tribulations and tests of my life and I submit myself with conviction that helps from Allah are abundant when I am in difficulties as long as I continue asking him via solats and extracting the supplications from the verses in the al-Qur’an. I find reading the Qur'an to be the strengthening and calming factors for my mind and heart. When the soul is fed, the mind is at peace.

5. Learn to seek forgiveness and always forgive someone everyday. This is the most difficult thing to do and I am still learning to tell my heart to ‘mengalah’ (let go) and thus forgive someone. The consoling of my own self is more difficlut to do and normally after tears are shed in my solats, and thinking that my life is really short and I need not carry the grudge like anger and frustration, as they are forms of taxic in the body and food for the cancer, I must learn to let go peacefully. This is really difficult, really, really hard. I learn burying the hatchet when I was 37 (that’s pretty late, ain’t it? But I take it as it is never too late to change a bad habit). Alhamdulillah, it helps soothing my mind as the heart becomes calmer than before. Now, at times I still have that difficulty doing but I keep on telling myself, my clock is ticking louder and my days are boldly numbered so I better learn to forgive and not bring the heart that is blackened by all symptoms of "Penyakit Hati" (Diseased/Illed Heart) when I leave the earth. Enough that I have Liver that is sick, I must not make my heart to be sick too.

6. Always say to yourself something positive. Always have a positive talk to yourself as it is very good. What we say and wish is a du’a/ supplication for us. Thus always say good things to ourselves. Do not criticize yourself even if a mistake is done as the mistake is to be learnt. Do not downgrade yourself or ridicule your talents. I learn to accept the adversity of my test by talking positively to myself everyday. By talking positively, comes the redha (full acceptance of the test)is seeping into the heart and it strengthens my heart to brace the valley moments of my life with solid patience.

7. Mind Cleansing Program: The best to be done is at night right before one goes to sleep. How do we do it? It is simple, start with: smile, close your eyes and say in your heart “ O Allah, please cleanse my way of thinking/mind and my heart. Tomorrow I want to be a better person, istiqomah in good deeds, successful, happy, full of enthusiasm, active and have a positive mindset.”

There are other aspects like fasting, remembering death, stay in your ablution, do charity and treat someone some lunch or dinner, guard and protect your food intake – making sure no subhah /was-was food are consumed, befriending those knowledgeable in religion and those who are poor, and always offer advice to others to do good things and right things and lastly to guard our 5 senses not to dwell into some wrong things especially the mouth and the ears – telling and listening to gossips may blacken the heart.

I am only writing to remind myself to continue correcting my life and re-align it. So many dreams, wishes and hopes are still far-fetched and so many things still face up and down patterns especially my Imaan. The inner grip still requires telling and shouting.

May God continue to guide me and show me a ray of light to the right path. Ameen.

Astaghfirullaahal 'azeeem. Forgive me Dear Lord!

How Do You See Your Glass?

2010-02-23T10:45:00.003+08:00

We hold on our hands our own glass. Everyday, we take the glass everywhere we go. Sometimes things around us make us see our glass differently. Or sometimes it is because of the matters that happen to us that change the way we see our glass.

Life is always unpredictable. That is one part that makes the journey on each path intriguing and mysterious. One bumpy road can be smooth afterwards and one smooth ride can suddenly get stuck. Along the road you may stumble many splendid things or in enjoying the splendid view we may stumble.

Being tested with cancer is something that I have never dreamt of. People still place the risk factors like family history where I have none or stress workinglife which maybe so or imbalanced lifestyle which I think mine wasn't that bad as compared to some others as the possible reason of it. Consequence justifies, like logic is placing rationale. But life entails its complexity. That makes the surprise bundle of it. Certain things happen unexpectedly.

As a human being we always think that if we take care of ourselves we won't befallen with sickness. That's the logic we place our ratinale in it. When we have tried hard enough we have to be successful. Then when we don't succeed, we fall apart to pieces. Failures are doomed. Some of us lost the hope and the belief. These two things if it happens are very dangerous to our innerself. To get up from the fall would be very, very difficult.

Our glass is fragile yet it can be extarordinarily strong.

When things are not happening as we wish it would be, what do we call that? Is it a bad thing? Or is it something that we need to reflect upon and ponder deeper?

One saying goes like this: when we don't see things as bad or good, we will become more calm as tests are befallen unto us. I wish to reiterate that tests of life can be reward or despair. Everything that happens has reason(s).

Some see their glass is half full instead of saying it is half empty.

I am teaching myself to see and say that my glass is always half full now.

This Feeling...

2010-02-18T11:11:00.008+08:00

Alhamdulillah. The feeling is good. The knee pain is minimal. When walking is brisk and easy, it's the wholesome happiness for me. One word to summarize: Alhamdulillah.... (Praise and grace is to Allah)

I am back to work after a good 4-day break. To be able to visit relatives and throw away their worries about me as they heard me saying: 'InsyaAllah I'll be alright' is comforting. Yes, I worry that my condition worries you all and them. My heart at times tells me to stop relaying and conveying my condition to my readers. It is like: What's new anyway, she's having cancer and many said scientifically no absolute cure is found for cancer. Maybe the cancer is sleeping for many many years but it is never 'put to sleep'.

Many times I wrote a paragraph and it remains a paragraph. It is stuck. It is left for many days incompleted. In between the guilt and the anxiety to write, it is still there remaining incomplete and unfinished.

Today, I write something new. That incomplete paragraphs remains as drafts. Today I write something fresh not from the remnants of something left behind. Today I write about my condition still because I am reminded by a small voice in me to continue updating my brothers and sisters about my health. It is maybe of something that is expected but writing has given me sort of an avenue to release my concerns and relief me of my burdening fear and worries. Part of the sharing. Part of understanding the feeling of a survivor and a patient. In the name of Allah, I am writing not to seek sympathy even though that may come together as empathy fits in. My objective is Lillaahi Ta'ala, if it benefits many, Allah will shower me with the passion to continue writing, InsyaAllah.

I feel good to see the blackened and darkened skin tone on my hands is slowly fading and my hands are returning to its normal colour. I feel good to see the nails are no longer hard and bruised. When I told many people about this chemo side effect, many would retort that it is just the colour, as long as I am agile that's nothing. Yes, it is the same thing that I would tell myself too everytime the feeling is sinking down to its lowest level seeing the skin gets darkened and the fingers are numb and tight. As days passed by, and the changes got worsened, the feeling sank even farther.

Everyday, I cajoled and coaxed myself to think positively. Everyday, it is hard to embed the positivity when the feeling sank too deep. Yet, God is loving indeed, when I thought I am going to be drown in my own helpless thoughts, He tells my heart to speak louder than my mind. To still be grateful that I have my hands. These palms only change colours and are restricted to movement but they are able to be put together everytime I forward my supplication. These palms can still feel everytime I touch. These hands can still do my tasks despite its limitation.

When I am beaten with this test of life, I need to have something to hold on. I am deeply thanking Allah that He has always protected me from falling into the denial phase and never let my anger to conquer my rational and my belief. The physical-appearance and/or ability is always the first thing people see. The more frail we look, the more devastating people see us. That devastating look in their eyes are adding to the sinking feeling of the patient. That makes sometimes sick people don't want to have visitors.

I learnt along this more-downs-than-ups journey that this is my path pre-written for me. God selects those who can carry this test without unfair judgement. He knows the best of His servants' capabilities. If He is sure of us why are we-the inflicted and chosen ones, must be upset and angry? People can have 1001 reasons to tell why someone is inflicted with such a test but to me it is God's prevaling choice. His prerogative of whom can shoulder this battle. God is testing all of us in the many types and forms of tests. It can be in the form of bounty or reward. It can be of mishap or problems of life. It can be from anything sweet to anything bitter. It can cover joy and sorrow. It is how we see it and where it is taking us - from God's path, especially.

Since walking and tumbling on this not-preferred road, I have learnt that God never leaves an eyesight of His servant who always seek refuge in Him. No matter how bad our situation is, He is always taking care of us, as long as we remember Him. That deep serenity always take me to answer: InsyaAllah I'll be alright. I am deeply thanking Allah that He lets me learn to include sujud syukur in my prayers. Doing so gives deep peacefulness. There are so many bounties I get in life that reminded me to always be grateful with what I am getting. Many times the pain let the tears stream down my cheeks, yet, my times I learn of many things because of the pain. SubhanaAllah... He is Ar-Rahmaan, Ar-Raheem.

When we are falling, look up to learn to get up.

And today, when the pain is almost non-existing and the feeling is calm and serene, why wouldn't I be more thankful to God?

Which of the many bounty must I deny? Astaghfirullah...

To all of you, Barakallaahu fikum...thank you for the brotherhood, thank you for the unwavenring support, thank you for always wanting to listen.

"Ya Allah, rahmatilah pembaca blog ini dan setiap mereka yang mendoakanku, sihatkan ia, ampunilah dosa-dosanya, berkatilah amalannya, janganlah Engkau balikkan hatinya setelah Engkau beri petunjuk dan hidayah kepadanya dan ya Allah masukkanlah ia dan keluarganya kedalam syurga FirdausMu serta jauhkanlah ia dan keluarganya dari azab nerakaMu. Sesungguhnya ya Allah, hanya kepada Engkau kami sembah dan hanya kepada Engkau sahajalah kami meminta pertolongan. Ya Allah jika rezeki sahabat dan saudara-saudaraku ini masih diatas langit, turunkanlah ia, jika rezekinya di dalam bumi, keluarkanlah ia, jika rezekinya jauh, dekatkanlah ia, jika rezekinya haram, sucikanlah ia dan jika rezekinya sukar, Engkau permudahkanlah ia. Ya Allah kurniakanlah kepada kami segala kebaikan yang Engkau kurniakan kepada hamba-hamba Mu yang soleh.... Amiin"