Ones for Wheeler

Crash Course in Pro Cycling

2012-12-14T10:11:00.004-08:00

It's almost Christmas and this year, the holidays are different--my friends and family won't be getting homemade paper mache ornaments or origami crane mobiles because I can afford to buy real gifts that they might actually like. Well, I should say I could have afforded to buy them real gifts--but I spent all my money on couture throw pillows for my couch. So, scratch that--homemade gifts for all! Commercialism is so evil anyway. *scoff*

Anyway, you may be thinking, "Did you win the lottery? I thought you were a pro cyclist, making hundreds of thousands of dollars every ten years." And yes, technically, I am a pro cyclist until December 31, 2012, but I decided to not resign for 2013 so now in the off season, I went back to work (which is as a contractor, designing really cool shit for companies needing eLearning--so if you are also employed and have any training needs, I can have my people, my company, call your people). But I digress, as usual, because I'm the queen of SUBTLE product placement.

So, I know you must have so many questions right now, and there will be a Q&A session after I provide my tips on how to crash and burn in your cycling career-- no, it's my crash course on being a pro cycling.

Ok. Let's start with the Q&A instead. I will be writing both the questions and the answers because I'm not above self-publication...or interviews with myself, conducted by myself.

Q&A with Jennifer Wheeler
1. Being a pro cyclist is the dream. What's it going to be like living the nightmare?
I'm sure I'll have other dreams and then live them. Hopefully, those will involve my new LL Bean boyfriend.

2. No offense, but you kind of sucked the last few months you were cycling. Do you really think anyone will care that you're leaving?
C'mon, results are so passe when it comes to popularity--they just get you in the game. It's like once you get a date with the prom queen, you're just in. You don't have to maintain that relationship. (I kid! I kid! Relax! I'll address the declining performance in the crash course below.)

Who needs results with a face like this?

3. I heard if your team owner, Linda Jackson, beats you in a Gran Fondo, you're automatically off the team. Is this what really happened?
This rumor is true and she is the most fit "recreational rider" I've ever met... but for the record she never beat me in a Gran Fondo...because I never entered one with her. They're dangerous races, only for the brave, and I'd go basically for the snacks.

4. Is it true that you're getting yoked and trying to become a CrossFit Games competitor?
I am not "trying" to get yoked but yes, I have taken the braces off my arms (I was always trying to keep them in a state of atrophy while cycling to get "smaller") and as a result, immediately put on 10 pounds...of pure ASSAULT muscle...and fat... I now go to GNC and ask, "What supplements do you have that are illegal?" because I don't have to worry anymore if I accidentally ate too many poppyseeds or if I took Sudafed or something else highly sophisticated to enhance my performance. But really, the guys at Xplore Crossfit know my crash and burn mentality and try to tame my "Put me in coach!" attitude--oh yeah and the fact that I can't do a pull-up, double under, or any of the other required moves tames my willingness to compete.

My CrossFit Dreams...

5. What will you miss the most?
Probably my career status on Facebook. It looks cool to say "Professional Cyclist" ...way more so than "Instructional Designer."

Crash Course in Professional Cycling
Ok. The above was mostly lies, except for the LL Bean Boyfriend part. To summarize, here are a few tips for you if you want to crash and burn in cycling or be a winter hero and a summer zero, or any combination of the above.

1. Discover cycling, become obsessed, and make it the only focus of your life--and get one of those "Cycling is Life. The rest is just details." t-shirts.
After I won my first local race, I lost focus of everything important in my life besides cycling. My love life consisted of going on 4-5 hour night rides in the rain with my boyfriend at the time or yelling at my other boyfriend because a route's terrain was not conducive for my prescribed wattage for my intervals. Note, these are both "ex" boyfriends. I also got lectures at work for losing focus. I gave up everything to "pursue the dream," sold my belongings, and fit everything into my tiny GTI so that I could move place to place, depending on the weather. This may seem like a good idea in theory, but ultimately, I felt pretty lonely and got tired of living out of a suitcase. It's about balance. If not, your self worth is all tied up in your performance, and sometimes your physical performance consists of variables you can't control. Balance helps you feel like your existence may still be important even if you have a bad result--but let's be honest, it probably isn't.

2. Sell everything and become a gypsy.
This theory might be good if you're ignorant to the pleasures a clean house and having your own belongings and space can bring. But if you at one time had your own apartment, bed, and belongings, living on couches or in dirty bike rooms because it's all you can afford with your new salary, really loses its novelty after a month or so of training. It was great to feel independent and know that I could just pack up and go at anytime, but I had my best results when I had a home and a support system, somewhere and someone to come home after weeks on the road. I didn't realize at the time (or times...multiple times) that much of my happiness was due to my relationship, friends, and surroundings and quickly sabotaged this as it didn't fit into the scheme of cycling and my constant pursuit of excitement and adrenaline. I'm not eating Bon-Bons here--just acknowledging some harsh realities for myself.

I'm not saying that you need to be in a relationship or live with someone to be happy--I'm just saying that's important that you ground yourself somewhere so you can escape the cycling chatter and recover well. I would look forward to hotel rooms because of the nice beds--that's odd. If I were to do it all over again, I would take some time to save up money and find a good apartment to go to as my homebase...or move in with my mom...at 32...hmm... no, probably not.

But I will say the best part of being a gypsy was meeting awesome people all the time and developing really good friends...

Tucson Bestie sporting the Gnar!

Living with my teammate, Jo

3. HTFU and enter the hardest, most technical races you possibly can and hope your skills catch up.
I medaled at track nationals in 2009 after racing 2 months (BRAG ALERT!). I remember feeling like I was going to shit myself the first time warming up on that track. Two years later I'm in Europe, racing Flanders and World Cups in the rain on tiny roads with a peleton of 100+ of the best women cyclists. (I should add, "not safely.: Ironically, I did better when I didn't have any room to move or make choices.)

Throughout my short career, I've learned a lot about skills--not scuba diving corners, how to avoid clipping pedals, how to ride handsfree, corner in the rain, etc. But I had to get up to speed really quickly, and I'd still rate myself as a "C-level" handler. Although I think it was good that I was aggressive, perhaps a more gentle immersion into the sport could have prevented some of my recklessness. Luckily, most of my crashes involved only myself (kind of like tripping over your own feet while walking and looking back to blame it on the invisible crack in the sidewalk).

Even so, I always asked for tips, and was open to suggestions. Don't be a douche. Know your skill level and don't be defensive if someone offers you advice. Another good tip is to not ride too close to really famous people. When I would see Marianne Vos make her way through the peleton, I gave her 4 feet--I did not want to be that person who took down the World Champion (now Olympic Gold medalist).

How I spent much of my career--in the hospital!

4. Train super hard starting in October. You won't burn out because you're different than everyone else.
Hmm...I thought because I got good so quickly that I must be some sort of X-man. I still think I have some super powers, but not on the bike.
I set my best power numbers in November and January. I fucking won team camp at the beginning of February. (Yeah! Yeah! Raise the roof!) Ok, I was second--but that's like first alternate to first, so there's a first place in there. I smashed Europe (well, at least for my first time out there) and then when I came home in April, I was shit. I had to take a lot of time off and that really screwed my team over. Luckily, we had a huge amount of talent, but not being able to pedal my bike destroyed me mentally. I would line up for a race and not know what my body would do that day. Can I attack and recover? What pace should I go? My performance was not consistent and I couldn't trust myself. That's a hard place to be in.

What's worst is that I worked so hard and probably set too high of expectations for myself for 2012 (Go hard or go home--no fear). I think for an experienced high-end athlete, my training plan wasn't super ridiculous--I've seen a lot of women do way more--but I just wasn't recovering properly--mentally or physically. And because I was so new to the sport, my body wasn't mentally or physically used to the volume of racing and training that I was doing. This is hard to track though, as my numbers were ok. I think this type of "knowing what works for your body" comes with more experience. Beginner over achievers tend to just think they need to harden up and push through any signs of fatigue. My advice would be to be undertrained rather than overtrained.

5. Write blogs all day instead of work.
Yeah, with that. I need to wrap this up, B. Hopefully, I provided some insight or helpful advice to beginners (because really when it comes down to it, I was just a beginner in a pro cyclist costume). And I can stop getting Facebook messages (messages means 1 to 2 here--I'm not that cool) that say WTF?!!! I'll still be blogging here and there about slow-cooker recipes, throw pillows, knitting projects, babies, and whatever else 30-something, domestic women write about. It's fun playing grown up.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for their support and publicity, and, of course, to Team TIBCO for giving me the opportunity. It's been real and who knows maybe when I'm older and richer...

But now it's time for more gratuitous self-promotion...perhaps the last time for a while (like 1-2 months).

I cancelled my annual membership to Who's Who after appearing in this ad in Bicycling magazine.

Where's Wheeler? Concussed

2012-08-08T14:38:00.003-07:00

It's been awhile since I've posted (This seems to be how all my blog posts start these days.) Anyway, I've just been waiting for something EXCITING to happen so I can update the world--like OMG! I've been chosen to be on What Not to Wear on TLC. To be truthful, I've subtly been putting out hints for several years now, sending photos of myself to friends, while exclaiming "Isn't this a FABULOUS outfit?" or "Don't these shorts look great?"

Example of Subtle Hint

Meanwhile, every time I went out in public, I would scope out my surroundings, trying to spy the hidden camera crew who at any moment would pop out and say, "Heeeeey. Your "friends" called and told us you look like shit! We're going to tell you everything that's wrong with you, but give you $5,000 so you feel better about covering up your flaws." And since I'm all about self-improvement, that sounded like a DREAM!

High-waisted Exercise Fashions

July 4th Fashions

Unfortunately not me, but desperately wishing it were

After way too many rehearsed responses (e.g., Starbucks Barista: "How's your day going?" Me: "Ok. But it could be better..." Starbucks Barista: "Yeah. I hear that." Me: "Like I said IT COULD BE BETTER..."), I decided to take matters into my own hands and cheat the system, entering myself, although the website says "Self-entries will not be accepted." But unfortunately, since I am a bit of rule follower, I never got past the first third of the application. I know, those who know my past as the Great Apple Thief of the West*, may beg to differ on the whole rule following, but in general, I'd say I like following rules.

In fact, I like rules so much that I make them for myself all the time (and break them, but then revise the rule). Here are some examples of rules of the past. No eating past 8:00 p.m. No showering until you exercise. No enjoying life. No blog posting until you have something exciting to write about. No racing my bike the rest of this year...Oh wait, I didn't make that rule, my doctor did. Yeah, I got four concussions from January 2012-June 2012, so my doctor advised that I take a couple of months to recover my head.

That's another reason I didn't blog for awhile. Honestly, I was so emotional and depressed and all over the map that I didn't want to commit to any of my words. You might have gotten posts about how sad I feel when I reach the bottom of a bowl of ice cream (I still feel extremely sad, but not enough to blog more than those few words about it.) or maybe how there's so much more to life than bike racing and looking good (Yeah right, we know that's NOT TRUE!), or maybe how in tough moments, the only way to get through is to really take an honest look at yourself, your season, your prep and figure out what you have control over and how you might do things differently to set yourself up for success. (I came up with about 4-5 things that I really botched this season--maybe I'll share soon.) Because honestly, I don't believe in 3-4 months of shit luck, but I do believe in changing the probability of success in your future. And yeah, I equate success with happiness so for me part of that is figuring out what will actually make me happy--which starts at figuring out the real reason I even race--which is mostly for the "Pro" label on Strava. What? Yeah, it's easy to judge when you don't have one. Oh, cmon. I'm joking. See now I've said too much. I have a concussion. None of these words have merit....droooooooooooooool.....drool....slurrrrp...zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz......

*Great Apple Thief of the West--circa 2011, Enter grocery store, find cheapest apple code (usually red delicious or braeburns), get a bag of honeycrisp apples, walk around store reciting code (4-1-2-4, 4-1-2,4), use self checkout, enter memorized code, save $2-$3, leave with a guilty conscience and empathy for Winona Ryder. Note: This confession got me a reduced sentence.

Correction--it's Barbra, not Barbara.

2012-05-18T16:30:00.000-07:00

Seriously? C'mon, Babs. I thought I was doing well not spelling your last name "Streistand." And now you go and take the "a" out of Barbara. But yeah, here's an editor's note that in the previous post, I misspelled Barbra Streisand's name. Never again.

Here's to you Barbra...Hippie. Oh and it's Jennifer, not Jenifer like you may have previously thought.

Premier Access

2012-04-24T08:52:00.001-07:00

After finishing my Spring cycling tour in Europa (That's what we seasoned Europeans call it), I returned to the States (That's what I thought only Europeans called the US, but apparently everyone actually does. I was just stuck saying Amuricah so I didn't notice). Upon my arrival, I now had a pair of $180 G-Star Jeans which no longer look trendy and glamorous on me as they did in Dutch mirrors but instead make me look dumpy and manly in American mirrors, some Dutch novelties such as Wine Gums and Stroopwafels for friends, and most importantly, 25,000 United miles, which bumped me to Premier Status!

I'm in the Denver airport for my connection flight to the Joe Martin stage race in Fayetteville, AR, (I guess AK is Alaska, not Arkansas--HA! Luckily, my readers are smarter than I am) and I was so overwhelmed with my experience as a Premier passenger that I had to blog. Let me just say this is the life! Even though I am on the cusp of "Member" and Premier SILVER Member, apparently United thinks Silver is the new platinum because I have gotten rock star treatment. I was relieved to know that United works differently than financial institutions. Let me explain. Before cycling, I wrote elearning courses and once we wrote a course for bank tellers. I learned that before helping you, tellers scan your accounts to determine what level of service to give you. Given that I have at least $100-$150 in my account at all times, you would think that I would be a Premier customer at the bank, right? WRONG! I was known as a negative asset (I use past tense here because I think now I'm more like $50-$75. I used all my money on those dumb jeans that promised me fame, fortune, and a handsome lover.)

Anyway, last night I went online to choose my seats, and you wouldn't believe all the options available. When I was just a MEMBER, I scoffed at all the seats with extra legroom available for purchase, disgruntled and asking if they were going to just leave them empty and squish everyone by the bathroom because we didn't want to pay $44? Now, I happily click on the seats online for FREE. I relished in this moment, clicking 6A and then thinking no, maybe I want an aisle and trying that seat out on the seating chart. I ultimately decided on 6A and clicked next for my next flight from Denver to Tulsa where complimentary FIRST CLASS was available. Yes, ma'am. I am in seat 1D, boarding group 1...for FREE! I'm just going to sashay into the plane in my TIBCO sweats and backpack and say "Oh, excuse me, Steve Forbes, I think I'm in 1D....Yeah, I want the window...sorry." I'm sure they'll look at me in my black polyester blend hoodie and Camelbak hanging out of my mouth and think, "Oh, she must be new money...scoff." But I'm ok with that because I'm Premier, bitches!

Speaking of classy, when I cut everyone by using the Premier Access line at the Tucson airport, I noticed there was some decorations on the counter top--a few framed photos, some flowers, etc. I looked at the counter top for the "Members"--but not too long, I didn't want to make eye contact--and it was empty. So, I thought that Premier members must just get a little flair to make check-in feel more like home. When I got closer to the counter, I saw that it was a Barbara Streisand shrine and the photo was a photo of the ticket agent with a photo of Barbara Streisand. For a moment, I thought Barbara had died and got a little sad, but then I noticed that the ticket agent was wearing a Barbara Streisand tie and a button-down shirt that had Streisand Convention 1994 embroidered on the pocket. I realized that this guy was just CRAZY ABOUT BABS!

If this is what his work counter--no, I mean the general public United ticket counter--looked like, I couldn't image what his home looked like. Did his doorbell play the theme song from Funny Girl or Yentl? I thought about making awkward conversation and saying something like, "Oh, I loved Prince of Tides. Did you?" but he was frazzled and running around, so I didn't want to bother. A few minutes before, he had said, "Is everyone in this line a Premier member?" I know he wasn't talking to me even though he looked at me. My curls this morning must have reminded him of Babs. I'm sure when I get to Premier Gold--yes, Silver isn't good enough for me anymore--he'll know me by name. I sure they all get a list of Gold members and their bios to learn so they can ask provoking questions that enable gold members to talk about themselves and their success for hours. I'm going to start learning my lines!

Babs as a Jewish Boy--I didn't get past the first 10 minutes.

Babs in a risque movie that my mother let me watch in elementary school.

Energie-What?

2012-04-09T09:00:00.001-07:00

I'll start this blog just like the race announcer started every race at the presentations of the Energiewacht Series. "And now we have...(sing) TIBCO to the top! TIBCO to the top!" Also imagine him dancing on his tip toes and moving his index finger up and down to his original medley. "Nummer 53, 'Hennifer Wheeler'..." or Wheleer as it was spelled on some results.

TIBCO to the Top! TIBCO to the Top!

After a disappointing flat tire 30k into Flanders right before the first set of cobbles, which made it impossible for me to catch up, I was excited to start the Energiewacht tour. The race was six races in 5 days with two time trials and four races. Funny thing is that I had looked forward to the time trials all winter and neither went well for me, but each road race, I got progressively better and ended the tour with a 7th place. My teammate and I got into a break about 2k into the race, so we rode with 8 other riders for 137k for 3:30 hours. That's a long time. I remember about 40k in feeling like I really needed to go pee and imagining all the possible scenarios of me somehow relieving myself. I thought about how much pee a chamois could hold and then imagined the unbearable chafing that would occur. I imagined pulling over and just getting off my bike, calling it quits, explaining I had to pee. I imagined that wouldn't go over well with my team or director. So then the rest of the race I spent sucking in and repositioning myself to try to comfort my bladder. I really wished I had a penis so I could go to the back of the break and pee--it was that bad. That was the only time in my life I wished I had a penis so I wanted to note it in this blog.

Anyway, once we were on the final lap of 34k and our gap had suddenly gone from 4:00 minutes to 1:25 minutes, the thoughts of having to go to the bathroom quickly passed and it was motor time. As the finish approached, I knew I was supposed to attack with 5k to go, so I did and I didn't get anywhere, so I sat up and drifted back and attacked again at 3.5k to go. This time I got a huge gap, about 200m and just hammered as hard as I could at that point. Nicole Cooke, former world champion, soloed up to me and passed me just outside of 2k, the rest of the break quickly on her tail. Then I caught them and attacked again, getting another big gap. I thought for sure this time I had it but was so in pain and shock that I couldn't think of anything but riding as hard as I could. Around 700m, Nicole Cooke comes flying by me on the left (I should have been on the left.) and I stood up to chase her but quickly sat back down, as I wasn't going anywhere. My mind was like GO GO GO GO! but my legs were saying No. (Isn't that an R.Kelly song? Oh wait, that's my mind is telling me no, but my body...yeah, my body is telling me yes! I wish, that were the case for me in this situation.) Then the rest of the group that was left comes flying by me at 200m. Nicole had stayed away and captured the win--she is amazingly strong. I rolled in 7th and my teammate sprinted for 4th. We couldn't help but feel utterly disappointed that after 3:30 hours, we rolled away with no win, no podium. So, of course, we hugged it out! Girl power! No, we talked about it for a little bit, but decided the what if scenarios would just make us crazy and waited to get wise words from our director, who had some for us. She is really amazing. I leave her nameless because she doesn't like to be on blogs, especially not mine--not after I rode on the Dutch freeway illegally in a TIBCO jersey! Eye-yi-yi!

It's funny how on the first road race I was dropped, the second road race, I unsuccessfully attempted to lead out my teammate in the final sprint (but I was there), the third race I missed the break of 11 that went about 3k into the race, and then lead my teammate out for the field sprint. And finally in the last stage, I go for the win but feel more disappointed in myself then any of the other stages. I think when you actually get a taste...or I should say a distant sniff...of what winning a stage at a huge European race would feel like, you forget about all your other baby step achievements. But I guess that's what makes people good is to always keep looking forward.

Confession! I was so discouraged after Flanders that I started listening to "motivational" videos recommended by a friend. Yep, imagine me and Tony Robbins just cruising around Holland (I almost typed Tony Little there." No, I'm joking. It wasn't Tony Robbins. Sometimes, though, when you're real down on yourself you need more than a good pump-up song to get you going. You need to take it up a notch and dig into the Rocky and Arnold files.

Here is my one of my favorite videos that I downloaded and listened to about 10 times during Energiewacht.

My favorite line is about how winners aren't the ones who can hit the hardest but are the ones willing to take the hits and get up, and not point the finger and say you're not where you want to be because of anyone or anything--cowards do that.

I think that line captures mantra I really try to follow after every failure--Note: I may allow myself 1 to 1.5 days of wallowing in Speculous and Stropewaffles. If I crash, it's because I didn't have an out or I put myself in the wrong place or I couldn't hold my bike up. If I don't win, it's because I couldn't sustain my effort or I played the wrong card or I let myself get pushed around. These are all things I can control and change. If I blame others for my failures in races, then I'll go crazy trying to change things I can't fix. Honestly, I think that's the only way to have a pattern of success in life--well, for me.

To close the blog, I will include some of my favorite photos thus far!

Jennifer Wheleer #53

Lauren Hall and I snagging the front row for Energiewacht Stage 5

Custom laundry bag and Flanders Race Bible

Team presentation--before every race

Flanders--Look at that scenery

More Owls--Hooty Hoo!

I am Specialized Dutch style!

Jezus Leeft the Building!

Pluk de Dag!--Ned Flanders Style

2012-03-31T08:19:00.001-07:00

Kinetic just released this great video of Team TIBCO, talking about us off the bike and our goals for the season. Honestly, it's the most genuine, uncanned (is that a word?) video I've seen in cycling in my three LONG years on the bike. Isn't it great to have sponsors who are so cool and into your team's success? It makes it really easy to be a fan and promote them. So, thanks, Kinetic.
I have a few segments in the video. I had just crashed (imagine that?) and have a huge lesion on my forehead, and if you look closely on my hand, there's a spot there, too. Basically, Pam from Kinetic took me out the hospital (my bedroom) to get my take on the team, but hey! At least you know, I didn't have time to prep and what I'm saying is from the heart. Awwww... (And she threw in a Michael Jackson "Thriller" saddle cover, so I really had no choice :))

Check it out and give Kinetic and Team TIBCO some likes on Facebook for the hard work they put in here.

On a side note, I sometimes wonder why I get press, in the sense that I haven't done anything spectacular on the bike. I mean, in essence, I'm like the drummer from Def Leppard who is popular because he has one arm, not necessarily because he is an exceptional drummer. But whatever, I'll take what I can get. No complaints here.

Oh by the way, did I mention that I'm riding Flanders tomorrow? Every time I get on the bike here during this trip, I just am awe-stricken that I'm in Holland or Belgium or wherever I'll be in the next couple of weeks and am about to have the opportunity to ride the Super Bowl or World Series of bike racing--to use an American analogy. And to tie in more American culture, is it wrong for me to think of Ned Flanders when I hear someone mention Flanders?

Anyway, sure, I'm nervous and having just recovered from a pulled calf muscle and sitting out of Redlands doesn't boost my confidence, but honestly, all I can do is give my best effort and my teammates and director (and myself) know that my best effort is 110%. I ride hard and I will turn myself inside out to help my teammates the best I can, and that's all I can do. So, I lie. I'm not really that nervous because I'm confident in my strategy and my ability.

But if I can be honest here...because I'm usually just full of jokes and lies...ever since I hurt my calf and had to sit out of a race, my attitude and motivation has changed for the better. Before the "incident," I was a little tired and not in the best of moods after getting back from my first Europe trip.

I left Tucson at the end of February to get Lasik from Asheville Eye Associates in North Carolina--my doctor is a cyclist so I put my full trust in him. (I now have 20/15 vision, which means I can actually see THROUGH people. It's awesome.) and then I left for Europe March 2 and I won't be home until April 19. That's not a long trip compared to some people (like the women on the US National team) but for me, it's the longest I've had. It's exciting, but also fatiguing. And the worst part is that I get tired of only having 4 underwear options. GAWD!

Anyway, there were definitely moments where I had trouble pumping myself up before a sufferfest and questioning if this is what I want to do for the next several years (and maybe some girl tears and some teammate hugs--yeah, I'm sometimes a real sissy), but as soon as I had to ride in the team car behind my team in the leader's jersey, I missed it so badly. I kept myself positive through Redlands--I was so happy for our team--but inside I wanted to be on the road with my team so badly, helping in any way I could. When you take something away, even if it's only for a few days-=-or an hour in the team car, it makes you realize and appreciate the great opportunities you have, the opportunities you have made for yourself which you shouldn't just shit away because you're in a bad mood for a day, or a week, or a month, etc.

In other words, during the past week, I've gotten my head out of my ass and am embracing this once in a lifetime chance to race in Europe, and compete in Flanders and Fleche Wallone (which I hear is a big race, too! Big like say um...the NBA Championships!) I'm so excited about tomorrow. It's going to be the hardest race of my life, but also the most beautiful, unreal, and craziest race ever. I hear the Belgian fans aren't super drunk until the men's race, but I'm sure they'll still be obnoxious--just my style.

Anyway, here's to seizing the day now and way back in my first race, the Ballard Crit in summer of 2009. Who knew that racing Sequim or Mason Lake in Washington would lead me to Belgium just two years later. Thank you, Team TIBCO, friends, coaches, etc., and thanks to my readers for tolerating this sentimental post. I promise less Queen "We are the Champions!" and more Ramstein "Du Hast Mich" next time.

Pluk de Dag!!!

Oh and to continue the Corn Nuts theme, here's Kevin Bacon, doing what he does best to get pumped. Expect a performance like this in my hotel tomorrow morning--uh minus the whiskey and cigarettes, basically just the dancing and steering wheel pounding and maybe the white tank if I can find one... But first where's my cassette player?

Wiener Melange

2012-03-28T13:31:00.000-07:00

I’m back in Holland. I made the cut after the last World Cup trip, as I improved with each race. Pat on the back.

After an eventful San Dimas and Redlands, (Redlands—We won the overall, had the yellow from day and kept it. I unfortunately pulled my calf muscle before the second stage and had to cheer from the sidelines.) our team headed back to Europe to ride Flanders, Gelderland, and a handful of other races, some which include a team time trial and individual time trial, which will be fun. But travelling at the airport with 11 bikes on an international flight, not so fun, but thank god I’m on a team who supports me because I can’t imagine footing the bill for all this myself.

Anyway, back to Holland. We are in Ter Aar right now and it’s really laid back here. We are staying at a Bed and Breakfast in the countryside. The décor consists of 1940’s artwork mixed with a dusty U2 clock and Marlboro Man poster—probably to help us feel more at home as Americans. Oh and all of these wooden owl creatures…everywhere. I keep seeing a new one every day. It’s sort of like Where’s Waldo. They remind me of the Log Lady on Twin Peaks or something. Maybe the owl sales didn’t quite take off like the carved bear statues did in America.

One of the many owls

And the kitchen is stocked with bread, apple bread, glazed rolls, regular rolls and greasy meats and cheese. They like Ham and Cheese here for breakfast. Pancakes for lunch or dinner, I suppose. They also have Wiener Melange coffee—the best part of waking up is a wiener in your cup. (Shall we dance to that, my dear, as the package suggests? Innuendo not intentional.) Oh and Choca, which are chocolate, sugary flecks that go on bread, usually white bread.

Best Part of Waking Up...

Despite all the processed foods for breakfast, the rest of Holland is pretty simple here and quite laid back. I’ve seen every type of animal so far: horses, cows, hogs (big black ones with pink bellies—I thought they were oversize boars at first. Do what you want with that innuendo but it wasn’t intentional.), goats, dogs, cats, sheep, and little baby lambs—everywhere. They’re so cute. I almost want to pull a Clarice Starling and snatch one at night. And there’s no fences. The people just have trenches filled with water around their farms. And amputee trees (I guess they cut off all the branches of the trees in the winter so they bloom again in the Spring, but in the meantime they look like Fight the Power fists, lining the roads.)

Amputee Trees

Back to the farms, I swear these moats have to have the Loch Nest Monster or imported crocodiles in them because I don’t know how these animals aren’t escaping. Maybe they’re just like meh, I like it here. There are no stop signs (I saw one in 50k and I saw one traffic light. Just roundabouts, speed bumps (that say Let op!), and yield signs. People make room for each other on the alley size two way roads and there are so many bike paths where all these people from age 3-80 ride these big crusier bikes.

But, of course, I have to disrupt the flow, right? So, I decided to ride by myself today because I wasn’t sure how the calf would be feeling (It was good. My first 2 hour ride at a normal pace since Thursday.) I got tired of riding on the bike paths and then I finally found this road that had a white line in the middle of it and a tiny shoulder. But it worked for me. So, I’m riding along and a few cars honk. I think oh, maybe I swerved or maybe they just like cyclists. I do look pretty pro. Then I see a guy in a big truck from the other lane make a hand gesture at me. I think he is flipping me off, but on second thought maybe he is giving me like a thumbs up or a hang loose gesture. Whatever. Then this big concrete-type looking truck pulls into a pullout/shoulder type area and gets out of the truck and starts walking toward me as I ride closer. I thought, uh oh. The guy is pretty good looking—as most of the Dutch are (It’s the blue jeans. They have good taste in jeans. Seriously, and loads of white t-shirts.)

Anyway, this is how our conversation went:

Guy: Blah blah blah
Me: What?
Guy: (mockingly) What.
Me: I don’t understand.
Guy: You can’t "ritt" here.
Me: Ride? Like my bicycle.
Guy: Yes, you can’t ride here. People go up to 80 on this road. If you make it to the end, you’ll be dead.
Me: (Imagining my corpse being pushed along the and then over the end of the road, like Where the Sidewalk Ends.) I didn’t know. Well, where should I ride?
Guy: Go that way. Right times two. You’ll see. (Walks away)
Me: Thank you. You saved my life, I guess.
Guy: (smiles) Yes, be happy about it!!!

Then I figure out that the bike/scooter/tractor sign in red circles means “No”. There were no lines through it or anything. But universally Red means no, I guess, which is kind of weird because the speed limit signs are red circles and say 60 in the middle. And the “yes” signs are just blue. So in my defense, really? I was supposed to know this. And like I said before, the highways don’t look like highways. They look like country roads, which a pleasant white line in the middle. And I found it quite endearing that someone would stop their truck, get out and warn me to get off the road. I think in America, they might just hit you or throw a coke bottle at you. Or maybe it was so bizarre that the guy must have thought I had escaped from a mental institution…or that I was American and didn’t know any better.

This means no bikes. Seems sorta obvious on a second glance...hmmm

Even so, my re-route was much more pleasant and even more pleasant because my calf didn’t hurt and I found some brick paths and cobbles to ride on. So I made it to about 20km outside of Utrecht, which is where one of our Dutch friends on our first trip’s flight over lives. I was thinking about riding there to say Hallo! but didn’t think my calf would want the extra 40km and it’s not like I could find him anyway—it’s like trying to find Jennifer in Tucson. On the way home, I’d see signs next to the roundabouts that sayd Ter Aar 6km, and Amsterdam 31km. I thought about how fun that would be to just cruise on into Amsterdam, but then thought maybe that wasn’t a good idea either. Besides, it was already 4:30 p.m. because well, my whole house slept 15 hours last night and we got up at 1:00 p.m. Unbelievable. Oh look it’s 10:06 p.m. I guess I’ve been up for 9 hours. Might be time to go to bed…

Big Boys Don't Cry at Drenste 8

2012-03-09T02:06:00.000-08:00

As I'm writing this blog, 10cc's "I'm not in love" is playing in the background. It's appropriate for two reasons.

I'm in Holland in a little town called Schoonoord, which is not pronounced Shoe-Nord, I found out. There are at least 3 to 4 guttural sounds before you even get to the first "n."

Our home in Schoonoord

Lazy Tuesdays in Schoonoord with Stiffy, my hot Specialized bike

Anyway, it seems that they like to play American/English music from the 80's and 90's wherever you go. In fact the Dutch's smash hit (according to my Dutch director) was "Radar Love," by Golden Earring. My friend, Tyler, from high school used to lift weights to that song. He was a massive fellow with a shaved head, but I digress. But yeah, last night as we sat comatose after our first race, we silently ate dinner to "Tootsie Roll" (To the left, to the right, now slide, baby, slide.)

The other reason the 10cc song is appropriate is because it contains a whispering reminder that "Big boys don't cry." Luckily, I didn't cry yesterday after my first European race. I just exclaimed "F my life" repeatedly. Here is a preview of the race so you can get a better idea of what I'm talking about.

Yes, I realize that this is a chance of a lifetime and I am in Europe racing my bike, but when you're in the peleton with 180 angry girls (well, they sound angry!) slamming on your brakes, literally every 45 to 50 seconds for 140k (I said "k" instead of miles! Progress.), your inner cheerleader quickly transforms from being badass like those chicks in that movie, Bring It On, into the bee girl in that Blind Melon video. Here is a visual in case you don't know what I'm talking about.

We started the race already to go and then about 13k into the race, we experienced the first traffic jam when we all had to squeeze into a one-car width lane (like the width of an electric car). I toppled very slowly over a wobbly backwheel and then quickly got up but that was my ticket to the back of the pack. And from there my life was hell. I would try to move up on the secret cobble "HOV" lane or on the grass or through the middle or wherever, but the peleton is structured such as there is a "washing machine" effect in the front and then a wall and then the stragglers. And well, my balls are just growing in so I couldn't break through. The group kept breaking up with the crosswinds, with the main peleton echeloning and the back of the group in a straight line, praying someone would guard their right side and here I come time trialing to the main group as people are getting spit out. Thank god for my fitness because this happened over and over and over again. Just to give you an idea of how hard I made the race for myself, you can check out the ride on Strava. My director said in her Dutch accent, "When I saw you, I thought if there was a time trial today, you'd place in the top 3." My takeaway--in a fake time trial with fake riders, I would have been on the fake podium! Well, alright! That's progress!

No, no. I'm not really down on myself. Seriously, it's a new day and yesterday doesn't seem as daunting. It reminds me of my first NRC race, Nature Valley--that's a hell of a one to throw yourself into as your first go. Well, the same thing for this race. I survived. I'm happy. 140k, 180 riders, first experience with crosswinds and cobbles. And here I am blogging.

By the way, in Europe if you are more than 5 minutes back or something, they act like you don't exist and don't even give you a DNF. And they don't have corner marshalls or cars telling you where to go. You're on your own. Luckily, my group wasn't 5 back because my sense of direction is HORRIBLE. That's where a Garmin 800 would come in handy because I'm not going to internationally roam on my phone. I was warned against that $900 phone bill. Oh and I think a finisher's foil cape like they give out at marathons is mandatory if you make it on the results. Maybe a medal. I like presents.

It would be even better than my bell, which my director made me take off. She calls it a "ting ting." She said everyone will laugh at you. I said, "I know, that's the point." But all jokes aside, ultimately, I need her to keep me classy, and she'll make a professional out of me yet--she is amazing and it would take an amazing person to put the class in Wheeler because well, it's tough logistically: Wheeclasser?

Ok. I have to go do a recovery ride. And now the cafe is now playing Abba and I can only take so much.

For Chris Kreidl

2011-11-11T12:33:00.000-08:00

As a child of veterans, how appropriate that I post a blog on Veteran's Day. I am also a veteran blogger as I at once had three blogs--my favorite being a Coffee Commuters blog in which I co-wrote with my friend Lind Say. Well, I don't recall her writing more than one post, but she contributed by modelling and posing with bikini baristas.

Note that ever since I've became a competitive cyclist, I've been ridiculed for not drinking alcohol, eating only salad and apples, and I've even been called "Not Fun"! Can you even believe that? These comments aren't coming from people who are jealous of my cycling abilities or my enormous salary--though they may be jealous of my large ass--but instead from people who miss the days when I would go out drinking and stay out late and start shenanigans and howl at the moon and get up and go play outside all day. But now instead I'll respond to invitations of "fun" with "As if!!! It's my recovery day," or "I might pull a hammie." or "I might gain an ounce." I do, however, spend an incredible amount of time on the internet, googling ailments, watching Netflix on my ex, ex boyfriend's account (At what time is it not important to note which generation of ex you are referring to? And could I instead say, my ex twice removed? What does twice removed even mean? I'll google it later.), downloading to Strava, and reading Facebook.

Anyway, my life sort of reminds me the Revenge of the Nerds--but only when they get moved to the gymnasium and they all just lie around, play cards, or perhaps watch Poindexter rehearse on his violin. (The rest of the movie is WAY more exciting than mine today.)

And this Revenge of the Nerds reference is appropriate because I am now residing in Tucson, Arizona, for the winter. And while I was riding through the University of Arizona campus yesterday, I was listening to Simple Minds radio and was strangely reminded of Revenge of the Nerds. I thought it was the combination of the 80's music and the college campus but I quickly found out from my real life friend--not google or a Facebook friend that I've never met--that the movie was filmed here in Tucson and that's why it looked familiar. That made my day.

By the way, this is totally what our pep talks are like during stage races.

Anyway, so Chris Kreidl, who reminded me on Facebook that I haven't blogged in two months, my life is a bit uneventful at the moment, which is why I haven't blogged. And I could take a small tidbit and blow it up into a multi-paragraph, comical blog post--but it's Veteran's Day for vet's sake! Take a moment and thank your vets for their service. (P.S. I thanked my mom, ex-marine, who served in the first Iraq war, for her service. And she said, "What are you talking about?" so instead I thanked her for her service as an employee at Stewart's Ice Cream shop when she was young.)

Being a CTS Athlete

2011-09-08T14:33:00.000-07:00

As a pro athlete, I have very high expectations of my coach, Jason Tullous, at Carmichael Training Systems (CTS). We've been working together almost a year (one of the longest relationships I've ever had in my life) and I would definitely give him a "Like" on Facebook. After I recently migrated to Colorado Springs, he must have thought I'm ready to take my training to the next level because he arranged for me to take a tour of the CTS "headquarters"

I thought it was just going to be a meet and greet and didn't think too much about it. I was about to discover, however, that to become the best, when choosing a coach, you must look beyond the laymen fundamentals of boring stuff such as experience, proven success, a customized training plan, and regular feedback. What matters even more are all the perks that come with these fundamentals. Yes, it's these perks that when combined with the right coach, will give you that edge you need to take it to the next level. Here are the perks I learned about...

1. Fountain Sports Drinks and Gels

Hard day of ASDFJKL'ing? Have a drink and perhaps a gel from the buffet tray.

2. Indoor Race Simulations

Don't tell Levi Leipheimer, but this CTS client totally kicked his ass in this stage of the US Pro in Colorado (I saw it!). And yeah, she is reading a magazine.

3. A Wattage Cottage Workout Room

Watts don't grow on trees. You gotta build strength to break 2000 watts on your recovery rides.*
*Breaking 2000 watts on your recovery rides is not endorsed by CTS but rather hyperbole used by the author to portray an element of humor.

4. An HGH Room

Sleep is required for lots of HGH, so why not put a massage/bedroom next to your cubicle?

5. Yellow Jerseys

You don't necessarily need to have earned it yourself--you just need to have one.

6. A Personalized Cubbyhole

This dude won't be back for awhile, so I've agreed to timeshare his space. (I think the walnut shade really looks nice with my jacket.)

7. "Retired Pro Seek n' Find" Picture Books

Jeff was convinced he was in this book but could only find half of his arm and a centerfold of his teammate.

8. A Smiley Support Staff

Special Ops guy Jim Rutberg, and Adam Pulford, the guy who set up my training account--no, he doesn't read my daily training (a.k.a. diary entries), not even the laughable "boo hoo I'm going to crack entries." I asked.

Anyway, so yeah, it was a good day to see what all goes into the CTS operations and meet some of the staff who cross checks my training plans. I felt pretty cool to get the VIP treatment and like I was some famous journalist with my expensive iPhone camera, snapping pictures and asking poignant questions like "Can these computers access the Internet?" and "Really, now, what's a high maintenance client--like how many calls exactly?"

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that Chris Carmichael and I are like best friends now. Yeah. Whatever, you know, no biggie. Well, OK, I didn't actually meet him but I took a picture of his office, so you know...it's like the same thing...

Seriously, I want to be friends with anyone who has two desks in their office. Don't you?

Morning of a Pro Cyclist

2011-08-24T23:51:00.000-07:00

My interactions with my teammate, Jo Kiesanowski, are too good to keep to myself. They are deserving of a movie. (I've never made an Xtranormal movie and sigh when I see yet another one online, but I couldn't help myself.)

Falling Down

2011-08-22T23:53:00.000-07:00

Ever since I started cycling in 2009, I've gotten a lot of crap for not knowing much about the history and who is who in cycling. I remember one of my conversations with my friend, Kele, who mentioned Kristin Armstrong, and I stared at her blankly. She was appalled--not in a "Oh, ha ha, you're cute type of way," but more in a "I want you to push you off your bike into those thorns" type of way. (In my defense, I had only been cycling about six months at the time. P.S. I was told once in a corporate review that I needed to work on not being defensive. Noted.)

Anyway, I googled Kristin and after phishing through results and images, I learned she wasn't "Kristen" and she also wasn't Lance's wife (I knew who Lance was, of course....Note: Defensive). And I really did feel embarrassed that I didn't know who she was, given she is a prominent figure in the women's peloton. I spent some time researching other women cyclists and teams, and some of my friends would tutor me without being patronizing. And after some time, I felt pleased with my progress and equipped to chime in "Oh yeah, wasn't it just great?!!!" during the next social hour about Famous Cyclist X, who won Race Y that I can't pronounce during a year before I was born or when I was listening to Michael Jackson's Bad tape regularly...as opposed to randomly in the 2011s.

Anyway, but it turns out that as I continue racing and think I'm rapidly expanding my wikipedia of cycling, I am constantly hearing names and races of people I don't recognize. And I could just sit there and nod and give the "Oh, totally. I'm SOOO engaged in this conversation," nods but my attention span just can't handle those types of conversations. So, if I hear Davis Phinney and say, "Hey, is he the dad of Taylor Phinney?" I then immediately find out that no one is impressed that I know who Taylor is but they are more appalled that I don't know who Davis Phinney is. And this happens over and over and over and over again. And back to Google and YouTube I go to figure out how I could be so stupid and not know these facts, forgetting that I just learned what a derailleur was in 2009 and I can proudly point out a top tube on a bike like a 1st grader pointing out California on a map. (Am I being defensive again? I'll never get that Star Employee of the Quarter parking spot--this actually exists--at this rate.)

So, hey, it's true. I like to be liked, but after so much "Bah ha ha ha--get this, Jennifer doesn't know who Blah von Blah Blah Blah is. Mwhahahah." I had enough. I guess I had a Michael Douglas Falling Down moment (You don't know what that is? Ba ha ha ha, you're so stupid) where I parked my car under the LA freeway, grabbed my briefcase, and decided I had had enough. My "Oh I'm just a dumb cyclist who doesn't know what I 'should' know" mindset became "Hey, I'm Jennifer F-in' Wheeler. I was in a SRAM commercial with Nick "I-won-Flanders" Nuyens (I googled him before writing this.) Who the hell are you?"

My Falling Down liberation moment

I took this new liberating outlook to Tour of Colorado since I'm in Colorado Springs with my teammate, Jo Kiesanowski, and tried it out with some Bike Industry A-Listers.

I'm Jennifer Wheeler. And, uh, your hand is like covering up a sponsor.

I'm Jennifer Wheeler, and you're too tall for this photo.

I'm Jennifer Wheeler. I make the faces here, buddy.

Orange Hair Guy. Yep, that's it. No introductions needed.

I'm Jennifer Wheeler. Who the...oh and you're my team director. Er...how's it going?

I'm Jennifer Wheeler. Oh and I love you--no snotty attitude needed.

I'm Jennifer Wheeler. Who the hell...gave you those ribs? chomp chomp chomp

I'm Jennifer Wheeler, and we're posing for your new Twitter profile pic.

I'm Jennifer Wheeler. And we're working on pronouncing "Roar" and "Parrots" correctly.

And I guess the lesson I learned is that I actually prefer to meet people for the first time without knowing who they are and/or much about them, so that I can form my own impression without it being clouded with random bike facts or gossip--and girrrrrl, cyclists can gossip.

That way I won't ever want to ask Bob Roll (Zing! Name drop!) to say "Tour "day" France" or I won't feel embarrassed for asking if this dude in the Radio Shack kit on the Echelon Gran Fondo charity ride is Chris Warner or Horner, and most importantly I won't lose my "gift of the gab" that will only work with a loose filter that isn't worried about saying something dumb to someone who is really important. I can just be a normal human and say everyday things like, "Hi. C'mere and get your photo with me. I wanna put you on my blog."

P.S. *whisper* I'm writing this in Jeff Pierce's (ZING!) basement. (I'm not held captive. He's married to my teammate who I'm staying with in CO Springs.) (Oh and I googled him a while back and that stage he won in the Tour. I can't pronounce it.)

SRAM Develops "The Schneider"

2011-08-02T18:37:00.000-07:00

I'm in Chicago for Tour of Elk Grove. So, in between my acclimation sessions of drinking hot Americanos outside of hipster coffee shops and checking Facebook to see if I, too, have been tagged in High Heels magazine, I thought hmmm... maybe I could visit my sponsor, SRAM.

What I thought would be a quick tour around the headquarters turned into an interview, modelling session, and bloopers reel. Once I realized what I had gotten into, I quickly took a moment to remember the lessons I've learned from America's Next Top Model and my teammate and worked that shoot.

The visit started by meeting all the SRAMees (Or is it SRAMers? Or is it SRAMies?) and seeing where they test products from the future, have meetings in rooms named after cities, develop components that float in the air...and where they eat food. Queue US Weekly mag's "Stars are just like us"

Then quickly after my kitchen tour ended, I heard the click of a new Canon, the flash of a light, and despite my resistance, my jazz hands busted out from my pockets, and soon after came what has been coined as "The Schneider."

The Schneider has been passed down generations, originating in the 1500's from the contrapposta stance.

My teammate, Sam Schneider, has made some minor adjustments, particularly because the wide stance of the legs was not very flattering for females--especially females with muscular legs, and in the process, has perfected the pose, thus creating The Schneider.

As professional cyclists, we have many media photos and as you can see, well, my stance has taken some time to perfect.

However, with many hours of lessons and practicing, I made my Schneider debut and nailed the pose at the SRAM shoot--so well that you don't even notice that I'm whispering "OMG! OMG! OMG!" I did, however, think about a quick post up in victory after this moment. (I'm pretty sure I can do two hands OFF the bike.)

So, thank you, SRAM for the tour and for the now patented "The Schneider." P.S. I also listened to a program on This American Life today called "When Patents Attack"--I'm just sayin'...

Here is the SRAM Road Diaries Interview. You, too, can support "The Schneider," by liking Team TIBCO and SRAM on Facebook. Word.

I Lava Strava!

2011-06-15T14:24:00.000-07:00

What? I saw that on a license plate somewhere. Really. No...I didn't. I've lied to you. It's true. I made it up...just a few seconds ago. Hard to believe, yes, I know.

That was my poor introduction in an attempt to make this news even more awesome than it already is...(and Fresh Prince says)...Drums please!....I have Strava and Garmin discount codes for you! They work, too. Use them because I get credit when you do! Yay for credit...and scratch and sniff stickers from the days of elementary school that look like grapes w/ eyeballs and say "Grape Job!"

(If you don't know what Strava is, go to the Website or skip down to my Q&A.)

Here is an example of an easy ride I did, just cruising around Mercer Island. (What? No, I didn't photoshop anything. 5,000 watts is pretty typical for me with a 130bpm heartrate, give or take a few watts.)

Strava Subscription Discount Code
Promotion code is: TTJENNIFER10
If you do not already have a Strava account, go to www.strava.com and click on "Sign Up" and create your account. Once logged in, click on "Free Plan (upgrade)" in the top-right of the nav bar. You will see a box to enter your Gift Certificate.

If you already have a strava account, click on your settings in the upper right corner of the page, and then click to "Account." Then click "change plans" and enter your promo code on the following page.

Garmin 500 Discount Code
Promotion code is: TTJENNIFER25
Step 1: Go to https://www.strava.com/register/bundle. Create your Strava account and enter credit card and shipping information.
Step 2:Click on the link "Have a promotion code" just below where you enter your credit card info. In the box that appears, enter your promotion code.

Step 3: click on the "Sign up" button at the bottom and confirm the price of $224 (plus CA tax if applicable) on the next page

Now then, here is the Strava Q&A...

Q: What is Strava?
A: It's an online bike club basically where you can upload your rides (with a Garmin or the Strava App on a smartphone) and then compare rides and compete against others who have ridden that ride. You can also look at Pro riders and follow them in tours to view their data, speeds, etc.

Q: I record all my data in a journal. Why would I want to publish my data on the scary Internet for others to see?
A: Because journals are like paper checks--get with the now, Granny! But seriously, it's a great place to keep all your data and compare your PRs on rides you do every day. The program compares your speeds/distances and informs you if you got your PR and shows you how far off or AHEAD of others you were on rides. Plus, I don't know why people are so secretive of their training data. Do you really think others are taking the time to analyze your data and create a training plan exactly like yours so that they can beat you in the next race? I don't think it really works that way. If it did, I will probably beat Ben King from Radioshack in his next race because well, I saw that he did 5x10s on Strava...and I did those, too...once....

Q: I already pay to use another program to house my data. What makes this better?
A: Well, in most programs you have to go back in your calendar to compare your progress. For example, I usually do my shorter intervals on the same stretch of road for consistency. To compare my workouts in the "other" programs, I would have to pull up my current workout and then make notes of my speed/power/HR and then fish through my workouts until I found the last time I did that workout and then compare the numbers manually. In Strava, it will automatically show you your previous performances on that stretch and give you little QOM trophies or medals--which are basically as good as the "Grape Job!" stickers I mentioned earlier.

Q: I ride for fun and am not fast. I'll never get these virtual medals, so what's in it for me?
A: Well, besides all the other features I described, it's a great place to record your rides and look at maps of the distance you've covered. It tells you all the features like elevation gained/loss, average speed, and even estimates your power for you. Strava also has several competitions and sends out REAL prizes--instead of just virtual medals--to those people who have recorded the most feet climbed (it doesn't care how fast you've climbed), the farthest distance ridden, and the most rides on a monthly basis. There's a leaderboard where you can see your progress. So go climb a mountain 7 times a week and you'll probably get some cool schwag.

Q: Is "I Lava Strava!" the best rhyme you could come up with?
A: Yes. You have a better idea? I'd love to hear it. Seriously. I don't hate, just congratulate.

And to close, the source for my "Drums Please!" quote

Bring on the Wolf

2011-06-09T22:14:00.000-07:00

The past few weeks I've just been training for nationals. I think there must be a full moon coming or something because I just started to think about Teenwolf.

This will probably happen at my next race. Probably on the ramp before the TT. 5-4-3-2-1 and Hello Teenwolf!

Look how similar we look...

I'd also like to give a shout out to the celebrity appearance of FRANCIS in the Teenwolf video above. "Francis is busy! He's having his bath!"

Pee Wee vs Francis

Oh tee hee hoo hoo. I'm sure the 100 degree heat in a couple weeks in Georgia (where nationals is occurring) will wipe the silliness right off my face, right into the puddle of sweat below me.

Frankie Says Relax

2011-05-16T13:33:00.000-07:00

A lot can change in a month. I've learned so many lessons in the past month and my mood has been such an emotional roller coaster that I just wanted to wait until I was grounded before I posted again.

So here come the personal lessons. (Do you see a trend with this? First year of pro cycling, every post about lessons learned? Hmm...and to think I thought I knew everything...)

Lesson for the Month: Frankie Says Relax
This past month, I have podiumed three times. Each of the three times, I had a relaxed attitude going into the race, thinking, "Well, let's give this a go today, shall we?" Minimal expectations, little thought, just a "Here goes nothing" approach. Every time I bring a clean chamois in case of a potential podium, I don't race well. Every time I try to pump myself up and visualize my success, I don't do well. I do well when I relax and just go out there and have fun.

Let me tell you the stories of my podiums. Gather round.

1.Sea Otter Time Trial 3rd Place

That morning I had worked with the mechanic to try to fit my Shiv. We cut the bars and tried to get myself in a suitable position. I remember him riding by me and trying to evaluate my position. Then we saw a snake on the driveway (That's not relevant to the story. I just thought I would share.) Anyway, I was like BAH! We'll give a go. I pre-rode the TT course for my warm up and listened to some music and really just was feeling like what do I have to lose? Nothing. So I just held on tight and went for it. There were times flying down the the hills, especially before the sharp turn for the climb, that I was bouncing on the saddle thinking "Ohhhhh, F*****CK!" I wasn't quite used to the stiff carbon shifters and for the life of me could not shift into the small ring. I remember the course marshall waving at me frantically to try to indicate there was a left turn approaching. I think he might have been fearful for his life, as according to my Garmin at that point I was approaching 47mph. (I don't use K's yet. That's saved for 2nd year pros.) Anyway, I was pleased with my result and my first podium.

2. Sandy Springs Crit in Speedweek: 1st Place

This was a big one for me because it was my first NRC win. This one was the last of seven crits at speedweek and instead of being a designated workhorse, my director instructed us all to look for opportunities. I attacked a bit in the beginning of the race, but my legs were really feeling shitty that day. There was a little hill to the finish and I'd feel it each time up the 40 laps. I wondered why I was getting gapped after turns and realized that I was still overgeared. I tried more spinning (putting it into an even easier gear than I thought I needed, and I was FINALLY able to not lose ground). Anyway, after that, I just sat in patiently. I wasn't planning anything. I was just chilling and staying relaxed, watching people--especially the sneaky ones (You always have to know who the sneaky ones are...), evaluating moves--did I mention I was RELAXED? Anyway, then I saw a move go at two laps to go, and it felt almost like instinct when I made a move to bridge to it. I basically just rode as hard as I could for two laps and ended up with the win. I wish I could have been more relaxed to do the W salute instead of the one-hand fist pump, but well, whatever. I guess you can take the girl out of the derby (i.e., Arsenio Brawl+victorious jam=fist pump), but you can't take the derby out of the girl...

3. Tour de Grove: Dutchtown Classic: 3rd Place

So this was an epic day for me. The day before, Saturday, was a rainy crit. It was my second crit ever in the rain and well, after fishtailing, I was riding on the back for most of the race, scared and tense, praying that I would make it through without killing myself. It was horrible. It felt like I was starting over in racing--which was unfortunate because I had such a great race the day before. Anyway, so after checking four weather stations, watching the forecast by the hour, hoping it would be dry, my wishes were not granted and I had to race another rainy crit on Sunday, this one with downhills that led into turns. I had searched on the Internet for advice and texted friends, one who told me to HTFU, and realized I had no choice but to throw myself into the race because by golly, I wasn't going to be that kitten on the back again. I said, "Well, I'm going to be either crashed out or winning, but I will not be on the back again."
So, I went into the race with a F-it attitude, thinking it can't be worse than yesterday, here we go. After a lot of attacking, I ended up in a break with 2 of my teammates and 4 other girls. We had one of our top sprinters in our group, so it just made sense for my teammate Kendall (a.k.a. Ripper Ryan) and I to rotate on the front and kill it to make the break stick, protecting our sprinter. Because we had 3 riders in the break, we had a bit of obligation to drive the break. Anyway, I just put my head down and killed myself to make that break stick and get a gap on the peleton. We ended up with 1:10 on the bunch--with my teammates in the peleton killing any attempts to bridge to the group. I led my teammate up the finishing hill for the win and ended up rolling in for 3rd. I was like "Hot Damn! We won! And I'll be, I got 3rd. Cool."

So, lots of lessons learned on this day. 1) Don't underestimate yourself in the rain--or ever. If all these people can do it, so can you--well unless you're totally hopeless...it just might take you longer. 2)Relax. Don't brake. And push down real hard with your outside foot around those turns. 3).It kicks ass to work your ass off and pull out the win. I get as excited for my team winning as I do for myself winning, especially when I can contribute. It's a really cool feeling.

Oh and fyi, I didn't pack a clean chamois that day. There's nothing like standing on the podium in a soaking wet, dirty chamois in the rain...but I wouldn't know because we decided not to get pneumonia and go with pants.

Lessons in the Life of a Neo Pro

2011-04-14T22:59:00.000-07:00

Being on the road in my brand new lifestyle reminds me a lot of Josh Baskins (Tom Hanks) in the movie, Big. All of a sudden, I have opened a world of adventure, stress, excitement, and responsibilities. Here is a letter from Josh to his parents. It's funny how it parallels my life on the road now and role on the team.

"Dear Mom and Dad,
They said that I could write you and let you know I was okay. So far, they're treating me fine. I've got enough to eat and I'm perfectly safe. They say that I'll get out of here in about a month. In the mean time, it's a lot like camp! I watch TV and even get outside once in a while. I know you miss me. But try not to worry. I think this experience might even be good for me. I love you very much and I know that I'll see you soon."

Josh Baskins (Tom Hanks) after his transformation in Big

So, in case you haven't seen the movie and just continue to think I'm a weirdo, I'll highlight some differences. I've definitely gone from the "lead singer" on the local scene in racing to the sound check guy in a band. It's definitely a behind-the-scenes role but still an important one. I leave my ego at the door and look for opportunities to chase and kill, nab sprint or QOM points from other teams all for my GC leader or to make sure my sprinter isn't sprinting for 2nd or 3rd if there is a break down the road. My past few races have consisted of me doing my job for the first 3/4ths of the race and then blowing, watching the finish from afar. I think much of this is due to me still learning the ropes and/or doing my job well. I try not to look at the results behind the top few riders and when I do, I sort of keep one eye open, cringing as I scroll to page 2 or page 3 and see my name. Then I think, man if I could have just hung on, maybe I could have helped in the finish-- but we always think "what if" after the race, right?

It's funny how last year when I would ride these races, I would sit in and watch and wait, thinking well if I chase that I won't have any for the finish and now my first reaction is chase and kill, chase and kill--what's a finish? On a pro team, you sacrifice. You accept that other people have strengths and you pay your dues and work so that your team can reap the rewards. I learned that if you have a shitty day, you don't unload your frustrations with your individual performance on your team (you cry and boo hoo over the phone to your boyfriend on an isolated walk far far away from the team :)) You think of covering moves as a way to get stronger so that you can contribute more to the team later. Team sports. Wow. First, roller derby, now cycling. Maybe I should have played basketball as a child instead of running because it probably would have been a better parallel.
So, guess what? There is no "I" or even "Jennifer Wheeler" in team. Pshaw! I'm like an expert at "Words with Friends" (a.k.a Scrabble on my iPhone), and I couldn't find it.

But to be a better contributer, I just need to add a little more smarts to the mix--and some fitness (This week marks 8 weeks back on the bike after my 5 week sabbatical after my surgery! Woo hoo, upswing baby!). You know, smarts like attacking at the right time and from the right places, reading the race, chasing the right mix of people, etc. Perhaps all these things could keep me out of the corner in the dunce hat after the race.

But alas! Tomorrow is a new day and a new race. We will see. It's all new to me--and yes, I often wonder, um, why am I doing this again? Oh yes, because you don't want to miss an opportunity in life to see what might be. And when I try to figure out what to sell next to support myself or find the energy to fit in an hour or two of contract work at a stage race, I think, you do this why? Because you want to see your picture in Cycling News--no, because you should seize the day--no, because you like the cute outfits--no because you get to ride a pimp bike--no, because you don't want to miss an opportunity in life and say, I wonder what might have happened if...--hmm, yes, that's it.

In the meantime, check out these celebrity sightings!

A picture in VeloNews magazine

Protecting Sam (our sprinter) in Sunny King

Controlling the front in the fastest neutral of my life at Redlands

Getting my collar "popped" at the SRAM video shoot

People magazine's "Celebs are just like you" when they forget their sunglasses photo

Racing Life

2011-03-30T17:24:00.000-07:00

Last week was my first race at San Dimas with Tibco and first race on a pro team. It is all quite an experience and I'm still taking it all in. I often can't believe this is all happening, but I think I'm managing just fine. Here are things that are different now.

1. I have slept 12.5 hours in the past 20 hours. I have been super tired after my first 3-day stage race. I don't feel sick and my legs feel OK, but all I've wanted to do is sleep. But naps=Human Growth Hormone (HGH) production so every time I sleep, I feel like a Kindergartner again, waiting for the Sleeping Fairy to come along and sprinkle magical HGH on all the well-behaved children, sleeping during nap time.

Needlepoint courtesy of Park Avenue Needlepoint

2. I complete volunteer and sponsor work. Yesterday, we went to Kimberly Elementary School to talk about being a pro women's cyclist. It was so cute how the kids would ask questions like "Why are your clothes so tight?" "Why do you wear sunglasses?" We asked the kids how much they thought our bikes weighed. One kid guessed 100lbs, the next 150 pounds. I almost fell over imagining myself hauling a 150-pound bike up a hill.

Showcasing the Shiv and Amira

Today's sponsor event consisted of: "I'm Jennifer Whee...wait...I'm Jennifer Wheeler of Tibco...of Team Tibco...and I chose SCHRAM...no SRAM, yes SRAM. And cut!!!"

3. I have a job on the team. Before the races we'll discuss tactics and some strategies to get there. My job basically has been to cover attacks, take away points from other teams if we can't set our GC leader up, and to create breaks in hopes for a breakaway or counter attack. You know, standard bike stuff. What's different now though is that people are counting on me to do my job. For example, they can't expect the GC leader to chase an attack and then also go for a sprint. I need to make sure I'm up there to help. This was a bit difficult for me in the road race. I found myself not setting up for the climb and being in a bad position several times, which caused me to use so much energy to fight my way back up on the climb. I ended up getting popped right before the last lap after an attack. I spent the last lap working like hell to make sure I finished as close to the pack as possible--I couldn't get time cut. I was needed in the crit tomorrow. When shit happens, like a mechanical or a crash, you can't just quit or call it a day. People are counting on you. That's definitely a cool and motivating feeling.
Anyway, it turns out I did my job well the next day at the Criterium. I got a mention in Cycling News as a "notable aggressor," which was a really cool thing for me as a newbie.

Photo credit Jonathan Devich: http://reviews.roadbikereview.com/tag/san-dimas-stage-race

Photo Credit Jonathan Devich: http://www.cyclingnews.com/races/san-dimas-stage-race-ne-1/stage-3/results

4. You go back to the days of high school sleepovers. Pillow fight! No, not really--wastes too much energy. But you do end up sharing a room with several women and mingling with your friends post race. And just like in high school, we watch chick flicks and make jokes about how each other's mama's are so fat, etc. And I may have cried while watching The Proposal. But I may not have, too...We also complete "homework" assignments on the road. Several of the women on the team are in college, some have coaching businesses. We play computer lab in the morning and catch up with the world and complete "homework" assignments before and after racing. Luckily, I get paid for my homework assignments. I'm seeing just how lucky I am to have completed all my schooling and found a job to fall back on before all this cycling business.

Sam, Carlee, and I into the movie

Oh, Lauren, you don't say!

5. You get coaching scholarships. Carmichael Training Systems (CTS) has a scholarship program where they award a certain number of scholarships to "aspiring athletes." This includes testing, nutrition, etc. I applied and got one! I'm working with Jason Tullous who is based out of Tucson, so when I'm there periodically I can have some face time, etc. The big thing I'm doing is trusting the coaching and not adding or modifying as I see fit. That's new to me, but I hear that at some point you have to realize that you actually don't know everything--or in my case--barely anything and put your trust in someone who does. EEEEEEEEEEEEGADS! No, it's not hard for me at all...not at all.

6. You get homesick. I really miss Seattle. I've been in Tucson since December and home maybe a total of a week in a half. I miss my boyfriend, I miss my friends, I miss the trees and the green parks, and cool air, and Mt. Rainier, etc. I'm looking forward to my trip home after Sea Otter in April.

I'm sure this list will increase as the season progresses...stay tuned.

And after four takes...

2011-03-15T10:57:00.000-07:00

I finally said my name without stuttering. I was so excited and forgot my words. But regardless, it turned out to be an awesome video for an awesome bike fit experience.

I'll talk more about this experience in a bit. But in the meantime...

Supermodels

2011-03-12T16:12:00.000-08:00

Aren't we just gorgeous?

Photo Credit to Larry Rosa

Something to Share

2011-03-09T14:24:00.000-08:00

Is there something you'd like to share with the rest of us, Amazing Larry?

(Don't worry--I'm not missing my bike.) All I'll say is that my life often makes me feel like this:

Who Needs a Vespa if you can have a BERMAN?!!!

2011-03-05T20:56:00.000-08:00

I got me a Berman! But just for a few days.

A Berman

I'm excited because one of my friends is passing through town again and FINALLY I'm able to ride with him. You see, I, too, used to be a Berman. You might recognize my Bermanese from magazine covers such as 2011 Bicycle Paper Northwest Race Guide. (Hee hee, snort snort *blush *blush)

Wait did I say covers as in plural? This was my first...Ok. Ok. I was once on the front page of my family newsletter growing up (My sister and I would make newsletters to let my mother know the status of the household.), but I was the editor, too, and quoted myself so it really doesn't count.

Pulling that Clip Art Floppy

Anyway, back to the story of my Berman. So Berman had to do a 4-5 hour workout consisting of tempo, base, tempo and sprint intervals. So, it worked out well because I could sit on his wheel and still maintain my tempo pace. It was human moto-pacing! All was well in the world of Wheeler.

But then my Berman started to create chaos by re-routing the tempo down a 15-mile dirt road. I got to the dirt road and immediately put on my brakes when I saw a sign that said "Pavement Ends Ahead" and then "No Pavement for 50 miles." I said calmly, "Amelia doesn't ride on dirt. She's a lady."

But the Berman didn't want to hear this and began his escape.

Berman Escaping

And, of course, I will not be left out, so Amelia Roadhart and I sucked it up and began the trek. At first I was a bit overcautious as I had never ridden a road bike on gravel and bumps for so long. And during the first couple passes over the ruts and rumble strips, I swooned and said to Amelia, "Lawdy child! I do believe I have a spell of whiplash!" but not really--just a little drama practice.

But then we got the swing of it and I let go of the brakes, took pressure off the handlebars and followed the snaking tire track of the Berman ahead of me. After a few miles, we were flying, and Amelia Roadhart became Amelia "Dirt"hart for the day, and I had visions of me showing up to a cyclocross race or the X-Games on my Amira--because I'm sure they're all JUST LIKE THIS ROAD. I was in the zone. Bunny hopping and gaining a mad 3cm AT LEAST. I was very proud of my steed and my wheels and tires for taking the abuse. Not once did I think I was going to fall or worry about popping my tires. Thinking about falling=falling.

I guess you could say I was in the zone, until I pulled up to this carnage. Berman Down! Berman Down!

Carnage

I traded a tube for a modeling expose of Amelia "Dirt"hart and myself.

Hands on the Hips and Pop

Finally the Berman was fixed and then we proceeded to finish the final hour of intervals on the 5 hour 96 mile ride. Yep. It was an epic day.

One deserving steak with Christy and Berman. See video below.

"You know, my blood don't lie..."

2011-03-03T10:50:00.000-08:00

Enter Shakira....Exit Shakira (This is MY BLOG, DAMMIT!)

Anyway, the test was great. CTS put me on a stationary bike adjusted to my fit and then gradually increased the watts in 3 minute increments until there was a spike in the amount of lactic acid in my blood. So the routine went like this:

ME: Pedal, pedal, pedal and watching a screen to make sure my RPMs stayed at 90 (a number comfortable to me during the test).

CTS: Nod, nod, alcohol swab, wipe finger, PRICK (it didn't hurt but I still feel it deserves all caps.) Ask me my level of perceived exertion. I said...between gasps for air... "EASY, like a 1 on a scale of 20!" ...Then they added 5 or 6 to record an accurate number. (Sort of like when a short guy tells you he's 5'8" you assume he's actually 5'6".)

ME: Wait 60 seconds and then peek at the reading on the lactic measurer thingmabob. See it is still under 3.5 and think "HO YEAH!" like Peggy Hill!

Then this process continued until my measurements jumped from 2.1 to 3.7 to 5.1 to 8.7 in the span of 12 minutes. I made it further than I thought. And used the results to come to the conclusion that prior to surgery, I was a BEAST. Not like Christian the Lion beast but more like Simba during the fight scene with Scar in Lion King. Wait--did I really just make a Disney reference and expect people to be intimidated?

I'll come up with a better analogy after the next test when I'm asking where the gun show is--flex, flex, flex.

Talk later. Gotta work, then ride, then work. It's 80 here. I'm aiming for another euphoric sunset ending to my ride.

In the News

2011-03-01T08:07:00.000-08:00

It's been awhile since my last post. But just to update you quickly, here are a few highlights of my life in the past couple of weeks:

1. My life is awesome. I love my new Specialized bike, Amelia Roadhart. I see now that people who were riding $3500 bikes were at a severe disadvantage to those riding $7200 bikes. Seriously, it just exudes fast and I feel a difference in every component, every jump, etc. I feel fast on my training wheels! Perhaps because they're Reynolds and pimp, but still they're training wheels! I'm also getting used to SRAM. I feel like SRAM had created a cool persona with its different operating system. Is it like Apple versus Microsoft? Now I just "tap, tap that" to shift, but you know I'm always just single tapping because I NEVER shift into easier gears. Mash hard or go home!

2. Getting back in shape sucks big time. Lots of irritation after several hours on the bike. For example, "M-Fer! How much longer is this shitty road? Grrr... I'm in the middle of NOWHERE...nowhere...nowhere...and have hours and hours and watts and watts to go! AHHHH!" But then after a certain point, I'm thankful for sticking it out and think about putting training in the bank.

I have a LT test today--thank you Carmichael Training Systems (CTS). I like to say what happens in CTS stays at CTS...unless the results are really really good. I've never had a blood sampling test done so I guess i can't fake it till I make it. "These colors don't run!!!"...wait, I mean "The blood don't lie!!!!!!"

(I saw a Harley with a full size American flag suspended from the back of the bike the other day and thought "These colors don't run!" Oh and I'm back in Tucson for a few weeks because it decided to snow in Seattle. I need to have words with "it.")

What else? That's about it. Just cycling, putting in hours at MediaPro--thank you for letting me work remotely. I couldn't do this all without them. (If you're a corporate person reading and ever need elearning, you know who to call...)

Oh and I'm waiting for my fat suit to get loose so I can unzip it and step out. Apparently, when you go from doing nothing to full gas, your muscles eat up a bunch of water and your entire body looks like this for a few weeks while adjusting--well, that's what I'm telling myself.

"Jinny! Is that you in that fat costume? Well, git on outta there and get some dinner!" (Dinner is lunch, supper is dinner. Breakfast>Dinner>Supper. I learned that in high school when working in Kevil, Kentucky on a tobacco farm. "Come get you some dinner. We're having bologna sandwiches!" on Bunny Bread, of course.

Yep. That's about it. Random thoughts.

Is the Chicken Local?

2011-02-19T15:04:00.000-08:00

At team camp, we visited the Voler factory yesterday. The visit reminded me of this video:

See, the thing is that with Voler, the chicken is, in fact, local and free range and grass fed, etc. And if our kits had names, they'd be called Colin and they'd be well-liked among the other kits at the factory--just like in the video.

OK. So let me explain it outside of the metaphor for everyone not in Portlandia. The Voler factory is NOT like what you might think of when you think of a clothing factory. You might think sweat shop-like conditions with foremans and hard hats, billions of sewing machines, low wages, anonymous employees, stereotype, etc. But in fact it was nothing like that. And, yes, Voler is a sponsor, but a damn good sponsor with damn good business practices. So today I'm interrupting my blogging routine of monologues about food, surgeries, and Toddlers in Tiaras to write a prose sonnet, if you will, about Voler.

On our tour, we started in the design department, which was filled with samples of each jersey they've every produced--several Tibco jerseys as well. The Macs were lined up in a U-shape and there were the typical funny posters and trinkets you might find in a design room. They showed the intricacies put into creating a design that could fit a jersey from a size x-small an XX-large. Turns out I'm a small. I've never been a small. I love Voler--just like all the other gals who thought they were mediums in the world.

The print process

Then we moved to the print room, the cutting room, and the sewing room. It seemed they had about 50 employees tops in all the departments total. The president and vice president walked around and talked to the employees in Spanish, knew EVERYONE's names, and introduced us to the heads of the departments. Turns out most of the employees had worked at Voler for 10+ years, some even 20. They had incentive programs, benefits, bonuses, etc. Gerardo showed us how he sews chamois into each pair of shorts and how they sew their signature flat seams on their shorts. Another employee showed us zippers, and another elastic cuffs. They were so fast and efficient and smiling and making jokes. They liked their jobs, their coworkers, and were proud of their products. That was cool because as a half-time corporate world person who walks fast to appear busy--I understand the importance of morale in producing quality.

I mean, besides the Voler clothes being pimp--or really am I just pimp in those hot pink Rudy shades???? Could it be both?--what really stood out to me was the way they treat their employees and how everything was made in the Grover Beach location we were standing in--not shipped in from China or Taiwan. (Well, the chamois was made in Italy...)

My model pose

And how when you buy Voler clothes, you're supporting wholesome business practices, and quality control, and a company that acts like a team rather than a sweat shop.

But maybe I just have a crush on Gerardo. Seriously, you should have seen the love and care he put into each stitch, showing us how he makes sure every seam lines up and there isn't pull/stretch...sigh...I told him he should put labels in the shorts that said, "Sewn with love by Gerardo."

Gerardo sewing a flat seam

So, the point is that after taking my tour, next time I buy cycling clothing--just like with my chicken, I'll ask if it is local.