The Onion

[video] Will Season Four Of ‘Downton Abbey’ Finally Show The Wizards Using Their Powers?

Tue, 18 Jun 2013 14:32:00 -0400

The popular series about a castle full of wizards and magical servants has been surprisingly magic-free so far, but hopefully that will change in the fourth season.

[video] Single Woman Has Facebook Profile Picture With Sister

Fri, 14 Jun 2013 14:50:00 -0400

A report confirms that many Iraqis are still holding a petty grudge about the U.S. invasion, an area man is outraged his private information is being collected by someone other than advertisers, and a new study proves it is impossible to lose weight, no o...

[video] Friends Don’t Understand How Man Not Depressed

Thu, 13 Jun 2013 14:40:00 -0400

Citing factors such as his low-paying job, lack of foreseeable prospects, and modest living conditions, sources close to local resident Karl Brewster said Thursday they are at a loss to explain his day-to-day cheerfulness in the face of such a bleak exist...

[video] Brendan Fraser: 'I Would Like To Apply For One Kickstarter, Please'

Tue, 11 Jun 2013 15:00:00 -0400

The ‘Mummy’ star joined in on the crowdsourcing trend this week, sending an application and cover letter in to the Kickstarter headquarters.

[video] Couple Keeps Marriage Together For The Sake Of No One

Fri, 7 Jun 2013 15:55:00 -0400

Taylor Swift enters an alternate universe to date a body building George Harrison, a study finds that 83 percent of gamblers quit right before they would have hit the big one, and an Asian guy has a separate group of Asian friends.

[video] Guy 30 Seconds Into Karaoke Version Of ‘Man In The Mirror’ Better Get His Act Together

Fri, 7 Jun 2013 14:10:00 -0400

Sources at Charley’s Bar and Grille are reporting that local man Peter Kagan, 34, who is currently 30 seconds into a karaoke version of the 1988 Michael Jackson song “Man In The Mirror,” better get his goddamn act together sometime fucki...

[video] Lifeguard Hoping To Make Up For Last Summer

Fri, 31 May 2013 15:10:00 -0400

The U.S. Disc Jockey General urges Americans to get the Led out, a BuzzFeed writer resigns in disgrace after plagarizing '10 Llamas Who Wish They Were Models,' and the new and improved Google maps lets users launch missiles at any location on the globe.

Guy Wondering How Much Longer To Keep Picture Of Dead Friend As Profile Pic

Fri, 31 May 2013 12:00:00 -0400

SANTA CLARA, CA—With several weeks now having passed since the tragic death of his old college roommate, local man Keith Bisbee told reporters Friday he is uncertain just how long he has to continue using a photograph of his departed friend as his F...

[video] Guy Wondering How Much Longer To Keep Picture Of Dead Friend As Profile Pic

Fri, 31 May 2013 12:00:00 -0400

[video] Kourtney Kardashian’s Stunning Bikini Body Washes Up On Shore

Wed, 29 May 2013 14:00:00 -0400

The sexy Kardashian wowed beachgoers when her slim post-baby beach bod washed ashore Zuma Beach in Malibu.

[video] Desperate Earth Begins Accelerating Rotation In Effort To Hurl Humankind Off Surface

Fri, 24 May 2013 15:15:00 -0400

The nation dredges up its last remaining reserves of grief, a study finds that anxiety can be resolved if you think about it real hard, and a woman who cracked three separate iPhone screens is expecting a baby boy this August. It's the week of May 24, 2013.

[Video] Xbox One Capable Of Controlling Users With Simple Voice Commands

Fri, 24 May 2013 13:48:00 -0400

Microsoft says their new Xbox features a host of simple voice commands that will easily control and instruct gamers.

[Video] Obama Aims To Limit Civilian Casualties With Switch To Taser Drones

Thu, 23 May 2013 21:15:00 -0400

President Obama announced today that he plans to reduce drone casualties by replacing missiles with high-range 11 megavolt tasers.

[video] Web Series Reaches 100 Views

Thu, 23 May 2013 12:54:00 -0400

A comedic webisode about two roommates became a viral sensation this week after reaching the unprecedented 100 view milestone.

[video] Tim Allen, Mark Wahlberg, And Tara Reid Spotted At Starbucks Discussing Oh God What Are They Planning?

Tue, 21 May 2013 13:00:00 -0400

The trio spent hours talking, prompting Hollywood to worry that they could be working on a project together.

[video] David Fincher To Helm YouTube’s First Hour-Long Drama Series 'Turtle Has Sex With Shoes'

Mon, 20 May 2013 12:48:00 -0400

YouTube is the latest site to jump into the original programming arena with the announcement of a gritty adaptation of the popular video.

[video] Every Glass In Grandmother’s Cupboard Visibly Filthy

Fri, 17 May 2013 16:40:00 -0400

Sasha Obama becomes suspicious after doing a little digging around on Benghazi, this has to be the year a local miniature golf course goes out of business, and a dude with a knit hat at a party calls beer 'libations.' It's the week of May 17, 2013

[video] Sponsored Content Pretty Fucking Awesome

Fri, 17 May 2013 13:35:00 -0400

Media consumers across the United States are reporting this week that sponsored content—articles and videos paid for by advertisers and distributed by print and digital publications—is easily the coolest ... Full Report

[video] Possum Gazes Longingly At Family Walking Dog

Fri, 10 May 2013 15:44:00 -0400

A heartbroken Chris Brown always thought Rihanna was the woman he'd beat to death, a mentally unstable man is planning on exhibiting one or two more warning signs before finally doing this, and a snooze button time travler sets his coordinates for 5-minut...

[video] Mentally Unstable Man To Exhibit 1 Or 2 More Warning Signs Before Finally Doing This

Thu, 9 May 2013 13:15:00 -0400

Local mentally ill man Michael Redding, 26, announced his intention Thursday to display one or two further instances of troubling behavior before finally going ahead and carrying out what he has planned.

[video] Malicious Focus Group Convinces Marketers Cinnamon Mountain Dew Is The Next Big Thing

Wed, 8 May 2013 13:11:00 -0400

Following the saboteur antics of a prankster focus group that reportedly convinced company officials the drink was not only palatable but delicious, PepsiCo announced Thursday the launch of its new Mountain Dew CinnaBlast beverage.

[video] Seedless Watermelon Coming To Grips With Fact It’ll Never Be Able To Have Kids

Fri, 3 May 2013 16:27:00 -0400

UMass Dartmouth is beginning to regret offering a course in Applied Domestic Terrorism, a social media rockstar makes $28,000 a year, and Miami Dolphins wide receiver Mike Wallace comes out as a stupid asshole.

[video] Social Media Rock Star Makes $28,000 Per Year

Fri, 3 May 2013 13:10:00 -0400

Widely regarded as one of the online world’s brightest personalities, sources confirmed Friday that famed 28-year-old social media rock star Ryan Wasserman, better known as @RWthinks by his legions of passionate fans, makes roughly $28,000 per year.

[video] Government-Issued PSA Urging Teens To Fuck Their Brains Out

Thu, 2 May 2013 13:46:00 -0400

The above is a 2008 PSA issued by the Department of Health and Human Services in support of the “Fuck Your Brains Out” sex education program.

[video] Middle-Aged Funeral Director Buys Flashy Red Hearse

Fri, 26 Apr 2013 16:20:00 -0400

A study finds that wolf attacks are still the leading cause of death in America, a man says 'fuck it' and eats lunch and 10:58 a.m., and Dzhokar Tsarnaev posts bail.