Bernice continues her discussion of Life Stages from the perspective of the only-child adult.

After the  Middle Adult life-stage, when we are actively involved in generativity – that is helping the next generation either through raising children or contributing to the welfare of future generations in paid or voluntary work – we arrive at Late Adulthood.

(Erikson 1959) sees Late Adulthood as a time when people come to terms with their lives and reassess what they have done or achieved in the light of what they still would like to do. At this stage people are focused towards the latter years of their lives. This life stage is a time that can be particularly difficult for the adult only child who by now often has very little, if any family. This is a time when some people can feel despair. For the adult only child, a sense of despair can be greater if there is no wider social interaction, which can be the case for onlies who have spent a large part of their adult life caring for their own elderly parents.

Linked to this, is the fact that many only-children do not develop a clear sense of themselves until their parents’ die. A woman in their 60’s was beginning to realise that it was not until her parents died that she believed she could have a life of her own. She felt time was running out and although she did not regret giving up many years in order to look after her aged parent’s, she was now faced with old age and no obvious way forward. Now they were gone, she found it was hard to come to terms with what she had lost out in terms of having a family of her own. Caring for elderly parents is particularly challenging for onlies who, as we saw in Middle adulthood, often have strong feelings of responsibility towards their parents’ well being in later life, because there are no siblings to share the burden even in part.

When I interviewed another only child adult, in her 80’s, she was at this stage of re-evaluating her life and realising that despite all her setbacks she had managed to achieve what she wanted in her career, she did not look after her parents,  but had sacrificed the possibility of a partnership/marriage at a time when a career could rarely be combined with a family.  She was content with this, although she still longed for a sister.

With the loss of both parents, many adult only children feel particularly alone in the world, with no siblings with whom to share memories. Even when they have children of their own, this does not always appear alleviate the isolation they experience. People with no family alive are acutely concerned about their position and isolation, as this email indicates:

 I am worried even terrified about old age, being vulnerable, and with no one to look after me. I worry I will be a lonely old lady, living on my own with no one to make sure I am taken care of or helped to go to a nursing home. I wonder whether I will have enough money to live on or who will visit me when I am too old to go out. If I die in my house will anyone know? These things go around in my mind – constantly.

When I began my research I was just 50,  now I am in my 60’s, I find this email touches me far more. The first email I ever received was from a pensioner in his 70’s who resonated with the first pieces of research I published on the original onlychild.org.uk site. I find it interesting that it is usually older people (like myself) who find my research most comforting as they have often grown up with a sense of something lacking, but have never linked it to their only-child state. Perhaps this is because being an only child was less common in my generation than it is today, and some people have carried a sense of shame in being an only child as a result of the social stigma they have experienced. At the same time young people clearly resonate with many of the issues I have brought to the fore.

My other website, has a forum for people to discuss only child issues: onlychildadult.com and sometimes raises aspects concerning late adulthood. Interestingly  the perspective is often from much younger people. Old age and the final years of one’s life is an issue we all live with, whether we have siblings or not. However I think the aloneness that many adult only children experience brings this into relief much earlier…and perhaps for them it is of greater concern.

However this is not the only story. Those only child adults who have found satisfying relationships and friendships have found late adulthood an enjoyable life experience. For now they are no longer encumbered with looking after elderly parents and perhaps have grown up children, and may even have an ongoing fulfilling active career. For these onlies life can be very full. So many adult only children have told me how important their friendships are and how they have managed to keep friends throughout their  life span. This would appear to be the positive side of their lack of siblings. Not having siblings can mean you invest much more time and energy in non family members leading to, in later years, a rich active social life.

Bernice:

I received this email which resonated very much with me because ‘watching’ people was something I did from a very young age. I also used to have imaginary conversation with them whilst they were talking to someone else.

I was very shy as a child so found it hard just to speak to peers so this was a way of observing conversation with out the necessity of actually taking the risk to enter into it! I was fascinated by large families and yes envied them to some extent mostly the fact they could all play board games together and not like me, playing  on my own. However I am also aware tht as I grew older having a sibling seemed less interesting possibility as I became more ware of some of the advantages, mostly economic, that I benefited from. However when I finally did my research on adult only children’s experience, I realised that for may people not having a sibling has always been a source of sadness, and something you became more in touch with as you get older.

Ashley has come up with some interesting questions which I hope people will feel free to respond to either in the comment box below or by email!

Ashley:

I am an only. I am 44 years old. I deal with sadness every day of not having a sibling, I don’t say anything to my parents because I don’t want them to feel bad, they are wonderful people.

I have five children five fabulous children! I worry and stress so much about their relationships with each other…my husband tells me they are normal. I try to worry less!

• I wonder if any other only children surrounded themselves with friends with large families, or studied sibling relationships from a very young age as I did?
• Does your heart break when something happens to your parents and you don’t have a sibling for comfort?
• Do you feel guilt because you have more than others? (in your relationship with your parents)
• Do you get mad when siblings (older, specifically my husbands) don’t appreciate each other?

independence personified

Western culture and American culture particularly prizes the independent personality – the man and presumably woman – who can get on with his/her own life, make his/her own decisions, be self–sufficient, go it alone, beholden to know one. Only children can be brought up to be particularly independent, sometimes by design, at other times a result of being on the periphery of their parent/s relationship. (The opposite, of course, is the only child who is overly protected, coddled and who is anything but self – sufficient – however this post is not about them!)

Learning to be independent is a good thing as we cannot expect to rely on someone all of the time – this has been a problem with some Chinese only children who have been so cocooned from the harsh realities of life that they often have a sense of entitlement which makes living with others hard. However many adult only children feel they have to be independent and I believe behind this is a fear of dependence. I know my own love of independence feels healthy and something I admire – but owning to my dependency needs – is so much more difficult! However we all need people and ‘ No man is an island’. We need other people because we get a sense of who we are, from the reflection back that we receive, from the other person’s  experience of us. How they react to us tells us something about ourselves.

I think one of the difficulties for the independent adult only child is that they do not have a clear picture of who they are. We gain our sense of who we are, initially as children, from the people who surround us. Firstly this is parents and/or carers, siblings and later people we meet in our everyday lives.  However what is reflected back to us will be coloured by the hopes and expectations our caregivers have and how they approve of the way we are. Of course some parents are very open to their child emerging  as a unique individual and they  allow and encourage this development. Other paretns are more inclined to see themselves personified in this new little person and give clear messages of what they expect:– an unconscious reflection of themselves.

The ‘little adult’ is an example of the reflection of a parent of those behaviors of which that parent  approves i.e. acting like an adult, not being childlike or demanding. Th ‘little adult’ embodies behaviours such as being independent, confident, having an opinion, directive etc. All of these characteristics are expected in an adult but, I believe, do not fit well on a child. The other problem is that these behaviours reflect how the parent wants them to be, not how they actually are as a child. In my therapeutic experience, this often leads to the child moving from childhood to adolescence and adulthood with a poor sense of self. This is covered by a seeming confidence but belies a lack of real confidence or a strong sense of who they are, and can be combined with feeling a fraud.

‘Never to have needs’ is another message learned by the only child. When the parent is needy themselves and finds it difficult to cope with the needs of an infant – the child will quickly unconsciously pick this up. The message they receive is to have no needs and because they depend on the parent for their welfare, they must be sensitized to the needs of the parent in order to remain connected. This means in practice that as they grow they have lost sight of their own sense of self, are independent, but so attuned to their parent’s needs they have difficulty separating themselves from them. Having needs is equated with dependence and the only child has learned to be independent to survive.

 So what happens when they get into a relationship?

On the one hand they may fight the need to be in a relationship at all. They can be lacking in commitment, as that would reveal their dependency needs. Almost for certain they would find it hard to ask for anything preferring to try and sort it out themselves.

 But how does this impact on their partner?

This will of course depend on the partner and their own needs. However my own research has revealed a number of ways. It can mean:

• The partner feels left out or even shut out.
• The partner feels they are on the periphery of the relationship.
• The partner feels they cannot ask for anything themselves.
• The partner feels de-skilled as they are never able to contribute meaningfully.

Or a combination of all of these. I have often seen partners of only children get infuriated by the behaviours listed above because they cannot have a dialogue and are met, when attempting to help, with dismissive: ‘I can manage’ ‘I can cope’, or even a refusal to listen. Combined with an over developed sense of responsibility to their parent/s this can be a detrimental to the relationship.

Well these are some of my thoughts – I would love to hear from other adult onlies!

caring for a parent

Bernice continues her discussion of Life Stages from the perspective of the only-child adult.

After the  Young adult life -stage, which is concerned with making relationships and settling down, we move into the middle-adult, life-stage. Middle adulthood is the time when we are actively involved in generativity. This is about helping the next generation and could be through raising children or contributing to the welfare of future generations through paid or voluntary work,  or even perhaps in some other way. However it is also at this stage that many only children and non onlies,  find themselves caring for elderly parents.

My research suggests that this phase of caring for elderly parents is particularly challenging for onlies, who often have strong feelings of responsibility toward parents’ and at the same time no siblings to share these feelings with. It also means that for some only-children the projected responsibility of elderly parents has coloured their views about having children, leading them to decide not to have any or in some cases this includes not having a partner either. Only children’s inter-dependence with their parents can mean they are not able to countenance either leaving the parental nest or placing a partners needs above those of a parent. On occasions this leads to the break down of the relationship with the partner and middle adulthood can be a time of divorce and separation.

 A common theme from my original website concerning generativity showed that numbers of only children choose not to have children of their own. The reasons varied and included:

1. Not experiencing being a child when a child meant they felt alienated towards the idea of being responsible for a child.
2. Never really feeling they could relate to children as they had been encouraged to grown up as ‘a little adult’.
3. Their own negative experience of growing up an only-child meant they were not happy to reproduce that for a child.

 Some others certainly did not want to be to childless and wished to try and create the family they believed they had missed out on. They chose to have several children or even large families.  Fortunately some only children really appreciated their only child upbringing and were happy to have one child.  However these appeared to be in the minority with my UK co-researchers.

 Therefore the stage of middle adulthood, for the only child, can be one of balancing many conflicting demands. This is of course true of people with siblings, but the difference is the extra pressure of duty that many only children feel towards their parent/s as the only person to care for them. This responsibility is often coupled with a strong parental expectation to be looked after in old age. When there are no siblings to discuss or share this responsibility and when one’s partner who has siblings does not really understand,  the duty felt by the only child can seem excessive.  The following extract is taken from my original research and captures the sense of both responsibility, duty and pressure:

We’re having major alterations done to this house to have my mother come and live here and that wouldn’t be happening if I weren’t an only-child. This actually gives her a proper space to be a disabled old lady.

I’ve been saying I would do this for my mum for a long, long time. There were times where she would have liked it to have happened earlier.

Since I went through that sort of pain barrier of: ‘Oh my god my life is at an end!’ The difficulty (of being an only child) has always been the emotional side of it- feeling pressurized – feeling demanded of – feeling that I’m smothered by everybody else’s needs. (Amy)

The final post in this series of Life Stages will be on Late Adulthood.

sharing!

Lets face it – this is something that only children are often accused of being bad at!

But is it true? – To a certain extent it probably is.

If we look at when and how we learn to share – this is done as children, usually in the family home. When there are siblings, it is one of the important processes siblings learn to deal with: learning to share toys, games, food, treats etc. It is a very different process for the only child learning to share with a parent. Parents’ are much more likely to be indulgent. They are not going to make a fuss if they don’t get the cherry on the top or the larger piece of cake.

Having said that, some parents of an only child are very mindful of these things. However  it is still not the same as sharing with a vociferous older or younger sibling. When learning to share is not high on the agenda for learning, the only child can end up with a sense of entitlement. This is something I have noticed  in posts about the negative aspects of only children.

It’s easy to see how this can happen – when parents’ want to give their child all the benefits, that they perhaps did not receive, it can easily set up a sense in the child that they are entitled to these things. But this is not just true of only children. Male children often receive this kind of attention and children from privileged backgrounds.

One of the difficulties of entitlement is that we are often unaware that we have it. Others may see it, but we are quite likely to have a blind spot in this direction. In contrast we may have experienced the direct opposite – having been told as a child – that as we are a lone child and likely to be spoilt we should never feel entitled to special treatment. This type of attitude can engender a feeling that we always have to put others needs first and this can be true of only children.

People often ask me if I can spot another adult only children. In fact I usually can although I am not saying it is foolproof! However one of the ways is around this issue of sharing.  The most obvious is the aoc  (adut only child) that ‘over-shares’: they bring presents for everyone, they want to share everything in a quite over the top way.

Of course the opposite is the aoc who can’t share – this is a much more common stereotype and is usually true for all of us on certain thing’s. It can be people – for example it’s hard for onlies to be in a threesome; it can be things your clothes, books favourite gadget; or something more abstract like time and particularly space, whether that be physical, mental or emotional. And lets face it – it can be just as true with adults who have siblings!

So when do only children learn to share?

Well in my experience its usually once we get into a relationship. This may be in an early adolescent friendship or later partner. But it’s at that time that these blind spots are called to account and we have to look at them however painful this might be.

But before you give yourself a too harder time over this remember you have lived in a world where you probably did not have to share many things so it means you look at the world slightly differently.

I will offer two examples of how this has been revealed in my life as an aoc.

The £100 budget – an only child and sibling child view!

My colleague and I were given £100 to spend on our new office (obviously some time ago!) My immediate reaction was ‘I have £50 to spend- how shall I spend my half? She however (not an aoc) said “We have £50 to spend-how shall we spend it?’ It took me a long time to realise the difference. I thought she was just being pedantic but finally I realised she was seeing it from a perspective that I had not even considered!

The last piece of cake – an only child dilemma!

As a child the last piece of cake was most likely to be given to me. As I grew up I came to understand that I should be willing ‘to share it’. What did this mean? For me it meant letting the other person have it. Even now I do not automatically think in terms of dividing. Then when something is divided, I expect it to be equal and I feel irritated if I am put into the position of having to choose between the large or small piece. So what is this about? My partner, (also an only-child), always cuts the cake unequally and offers me the choice, or takes the small piece (dispelling the myth he is selfish). Either way I am left with the ‘it’s not fair’ feeling, as I have lost out on ‘proving’ my ability to share (and appear not selfish). My partner wants me to have the bigger piece to alleviate his childhood feelings of shame when he was asked to share his toys and felt unwilling to do so. His unwillingness to share his ‘toys’ remains, but it is dispelled by the sharing he can control like the ‘cake’.

So how about everyone else – I would love to have some examples from you too!

I am very heartened that so many people are now visiting this website which has not even been going a year. Our readership has now increased to 3000 a month! I am very curious to see how many non-onlies are using this site.  That is not to say I am not grateful that people who are not only children are interested to read what I am posting. It does seem though that it is mostly people who have had a relationship with an only that are contributing. I am interested in their comments, and pleased that my posts have helped them to understand only child behaviours from a different point of view than perhaps they have been able to see before.

I also understand from other posts, that some people see the distinction between onlies and non onlies as superficial. However I think it is important to realise that the experience of being brought up as an only child means we have experienced the home and the world differently to those who have had siblings. This is not an ‘excuse’ for some only child behaviours, just a phenomenon that has certain consequences. This is what I am attempting to convey through my posts.

I believe we are all capable of all behaviours whether only children or not – however some behaviours are seen and understood in different ways, depending on which way you see the world, which is again dependent on things such as culture, class, economics, education etc.

For example, in my own research, only child adults were very prone to feel alone in the world but not necessarily lonely. Of course people with siblings can also feel this way, but often the loneliness is more to the fore than the aloneness. Only children have usually had a lot of opportunities to be alone but that does not mean they necessarily feel lonely in the same way as a person brought up in a large family might. If you are used to being surrounded by people – finding yourself alone can feel very lonely. (Of course for some it may be a relief – and human beings are all different). But my point here is that our early experiences shape the way we see the world and things like conflict and sharing are also coloured by that experience.

I welcome further comment and appreciate when people can do so in an open and non discriminatory way. After all we are all human beings with our own foibles! If you have any ideas for new posts I welcome that too!

Since I posted Durango’s article on only child syndrome there has been quite a lot of response – so I thought I would  post some of my research and thoughts.

The word syndrome taken from the Greek word ‘sundromos’ meaning ‘running together’, is used for a group of symptoms that collectively indicate or characterize a disease or psychological disorder, and can be attributed to a distinctive or characteristic pattern of behaviour. The strong medical connotations and the negative meaning usually attached to the word syndrome makes the word emotive and in many ways derogatory to the experience of the only-child. However I will explore this so called ‘syndrome’ from only child literature, popular ideas and prejudice.

 Shil1978 wrote in ‘Pros and Cons of Being The Only Child’:

The advantages could be that you get the undivided love and attention of your parents. They would dote on you more and provide for you more – in terms of getting you stuff, toys, etc. Obviously, being an only child means that your parents have only you to spend the money on and not have to share it among other siblings. So, you’d get more toys than normal, more money to spend than normal, more inheritance than normal, and of course more love from your parents than normal. So, in that sense, being the only child can be termed as a good thing.

I think this is a good summary of what most people who have siblings see as the advantages – and lets face it, put like this, they do seem very good. This is what the pro only child lobby focus upon. However I suspect has beneath these good intentions is an underlying wish to give your child everything you feel you missed out on. If we turn our attention to China and the one child policy, this is exactly what many Chinese parents and grandparents have attempted to do. If you can only have one child, of course you are going to ensure that it has the best of everything. In the context of the hardships and privations that Chinese people have experienced in the last few centuries, this makes a great deal of sense. However one of the negative aspects of the on child policy is the – Little Emperor Syndrome.

As the Times recently published in Costly legacy for the spoilt Little Emperors:

Ice creams and piano lessons, designer sneakers and a flat of their own: these are some of the extras that China’s only children receive from their doting families. The one-child policy has created a generation of Little Emperors.

Or again in an older article in Asiaweek:

The world that China’s kids inhabit is a far cry from that of their parents. The earlier hardships are scarcely fathomable to today’s TV watching, French-fry chomping young. Having been denied education and material goods as children, many adults wildly over-compensate in doting on their kids. ‘Parents have a hard time saying no’ says Xia Ming, who teaches environmental studies at the Children’s Palace. ‘They had nothing, so the kids are their only hope’ (Reese, 27.9.1999)

These articles, and similar ones, emphasise both the only-child’s unwillingness to take responsibility and their lack of independence. However it is hard for children to take responsibility and be independent if they are not brought up to do this. In a previous article on three types of only children two opposing views of the only child were described. One states only children are disadvantaged because they are deprived of the learning experiences siblings offer, and the second emphasises the uniqueness of only children who are never dethroned and have all the parental attention. As I wrote in Are Only Children Happier? Many of the negative attitudes towards only children are based on the following view that only children are:

• Over indulged
• Require constant attention
• Are selfish – and put their needs first
• Expect their needs to be instantly gratified
• Fear independence and leaving home
• Can’t empathise with others as their world revolves around themselves – in psychological terms narcissistic.

This is the basis of the syndrome. As Durango Texas wrote:

The Only Children I’ve known have all pretty much matched the cliches about children who had no siblings. Spoiled, bratty, self-centred, selfish, an odd sense of entitlement, difficult to get along with plus a tendency to say inappropriate things that are rude and ill-mannered. Yet being extremely hyper-sensitive and brittle about even the most remotely critical remark going in their direction.

To be honest I do not think the idea of a syndrome at all helpful and I am against pathologising behaviour,which we are all capable of at times. However I do believe the experience of growing up without siblings has an effect and is on a continuum of being good in some instances but bad in others. I will say more about this at a later date. In the meantime lets hear from other people on this thorny topic.

One the both interesting and frustrating aspects of only child research is the conflicting data that emerges. On the one hand there are many like Polit and Falbo who believe their studies have shown little difference between children with siblings and only children, and others who say that only children have greater advantages because of so much parental attention. While others dwell on the popular stereotype of the maladapted, socially inept, lonely only.

Looking at the research on only-children over several decades Rosenberg & Hyde (1993) have attempted to account for the conflicting data by suggesting only-children are not a homogeneous group. After summarising the inconsistencies in the previous research they suggest there are two opposing theoretical views:

• The first  view emphasises the uniqueness of onlies who are never dethroned and have all the parental attention and are advantaged.
• The second view states onlies suffer deprivation from lack of siblings and the learning experiences they offer, and thereby are disadvantaged.

Rosenberg & Hyde’s (1993) research suggests there are ‘three distinct types of female only children’.

Type 1 is labelled ‘normal, and well adjusted,’

Type 2 is labelled ‘impulsive, and acting out’

Type 3 is labelled “first-bornish”.

They claim that these three types remain consistent over the life span from early adolescence to late middle age. Rosenberg & Hyde conclude that the qualities associated with the three ‘types’ of only-child emerging in the study are understandable. They believe only-child research reflects the outcomes and views of the advantaged category as in Type 1 , whilst other types of research Type 2 and 3 reflect only-children in the disadvantaged category .

 Attachment theory

In Life Stages: Infancy I described a little about attachment theory which is concerned about the quality of the relationship between caretaker (mother) and infant. If there is a good attachment the baby will develop normally as the mother is attuned and able to meet the babies needs. This is what is labeled secure attachment and is similar to the Type 1 only child.  Both Type 2 and 3 show patterns of insecure attachment that result in either over bearing or neglectful parenting. If we accept Rosenberg & Hyde view of the three types this may mean that only-children show a higher pattern of insecure attachment.

Why would this be?

I think that there is a multiplicity of reasons such as:

• First time parents are often more insecure about their parenting,
• The knowledge there is only to be one child for whatever reason for example: infertility, social policy, divorce, late parenthood, adoption or financial circumstances,
• The wish to be the parent to your child you never had.
• Parental deficits from the parent’s own childhood.

These are just a few reasons and another may also be the shame some parents feel from being the parent of an only child, which can be passed on to the child itself.

Certainly my own research showed that there is a real diversity in the range of only child experience and even three types of only children is fairly simplistic but it does at least make sense of the contradictory research findings.

This is one of the issues that I have read many times in emails from adult only children. Most of us – and I include myself in this – do not find conflict an easy thing to deal with or negotiate successfully. Many of us have a tendency to avoid it almost at any cost. This can be achieved in a number of ways like: turning the other cheek, pretending we are not upset really, or just sulking. The continuum stretches from complete avoidance to out bursts of fury and hostility. What we find much more difficult, is to be calm, negotiate and find a win – win solution.

As a child in a family with no siblings we did not have the opportunities to row, be angry and fall out with children of a similar age. Being angry with a parent is a very different matter. If parents’  are good at handling conflict with each other we may learn from observation how to do this. However I doubt I learned very much that has been useful in my adult life watching my parents’ row. What I learned very quickly is that if I did not get out of the way I might well get their attention and often their anger.

At school, I found conflict just as hard to manage. I tended to freeze and then try to get away as quickly as possible. Visiting friends’ houses I was amazed at the level of anger and frustration expressed – but more than anything I could not believe it all blew over so quickly and things went on smoothly, well at least until the next conflictual moment.

But this is what the only child misses out on – what some people call the ‘rough and tumble’ of sibling relationships. I better began to understand this after having my own two children who like any normal kids often got angry with one another over toys, clothes, unfairness and all the other things that drive us all to feel put out. Observing how easily they fell out and yet how easily they could bridge the gap the conflict opened up and get on again, was a real eye opener.

Whilst I am not under the impression that all sibling relationship are idyllic where conflict is concerned – it does at least give every child an opportunity to experience conflict in the relatively safe environment of the family – where hopefully a parent will stop it going out of control and help the siblings make up

Many only children find it particularly hard to deal with conflict with a friend, as unlike a sibling, they can go home and never see you again! So our experience of conflict resolution, as only children, is somewhat under developed.  I remember the first time I allowed my anger towards another girl to surface and I ended up shouting at her and tearing her plastic-mac. I’m not sure who was more scared – her or me.  So I learned to sit on my anger and avoid conflict at all costs as I had no real sense of how to manage it.

Now in my later years I wish I could say things are completely different. But the reality is I still avoid conflict when I can – when I can’t, I always wait till I calm down before saying or doing anything. Except of course with my husband but he is an only child to so he is equally good at avoiding it too!

So I keep reminding myself of the importance of conflict and how by learning to resolve it – we bring intimacy into our relationships. When we learn to negotiate and meet each other in an authentic way we can find ways around our differences and this brings us closer. This is a good thing!

Ok it does not feel like that at the time but avoidance does not bridge the gap between us. It is only when we can really negotiate and share our feelings that real intimacy is achieved. So next time you see yourself avoiding the situation- think again- conflict brings us closer!

Rise of the Onlies – A feature length documentary

After making her first documentary Seeking Happily Ever After Michelle Cove understood the blood, sweat, tears that go into taking on such a project. She vowed she was done with films—unless something truly irresistible came up.  Then the idea struck: Michelle, mom to an only child by choice, became fascinated by the world of one-child families, the fastest growing family type in the U.S. (She is filming only in the U.S. but plans to seek international distribution.) So once again, Michelle picked up her video camera and started shooting her next feature-length documentary Rise of the Onlies (www.riseoftheonlies.com).

In this feature-length film, Michelle will be exploring what stereotypes of only children still exist, why they persist, and which can be debunked; what, if any, generalizations CAN be made about only children; and how others can understand what is quickly becoming the “new traditional family.” By following three diverse one-child families, she will show some of the main concerns and issues that these families face, including the external pressure to have more kids, the resistance to confrontation felt by many only children, the need for parents of only children to encourage independence, etc.

She is also collecting informal research from adult only children and parents of only children, which is where you come in.

Michelle Cove

According to Michelle, there will also be an educational component to the film, and it’s important for to go beyond the formal research to hear what’s on the minds of this demographic.  What specific topics would YOU find most helpful? Michelle hopes you will share your own story or perspective in order to add to her research. Visit www.riseoftheonlies.com using the contact form on the website.

“I will say this,” says Michelle, who has received over 100 emails so far from parents of onlies: there is definitely a desire among one-child families to show that these kids are NOT the ‘lonely misfits’ they’re still portrayed as. I am excited by the opportunity to change the perceptions and assumptions people have around onlies and the choice to have one.”