Only Hot Fresh Funny Pictures and Jokes

The fisk knows its safe (IMG)

2006-06-30T22:00:00.000-07:00

1. Dont imagine you can change a man -...

2006-06-30T20:00:00.000-07:00

1. Dont imagine you can change a man - unless hes in diapers.

2. What do you do if your boyfriend walks-out? You shut the door.

3. If they put a man on the moon - they should be able to put them all up there.

4. Never let your mans mind wander - its too little to be out alone.

5. Go for younger men. You might as well - they never mature anyway.

6. Men are all the same - they just have different faces, so that you can tell them apart.

7. Definition of a bachelor- a man who has missed the opportunity to make some woman miserable.

8. Women dont make fools of men - most of them are the do-it-yourself types.

9. The best way to get a man to do something is to suggest he is too old for it.

10. Love is blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

11. If you want a committed man, look in a mental hospital.

12. The children of Israel wandered around the desert for 40 years. Even in biblical times, men wouldnt ask for directions.

13. If he asks what sort of books youre interested in, tell him checkbooks.

14. Remember a sense of humor does not mean that you tell him jokes, it means that you laugh at his.

15. Sadly, all men are created equal.

Whose Son is He?

2006-06-30T18:00:00.000-07:00

About ten years ago, George Bush was visiting Mikhail Gorbachev at the Kremlin. When he got him alone for a moment, he said to Gorbachev, ''Mikhail, can you help me with a problem? I have some doubts about one of the key people under me. How do you decide that someone is smart enough to work for you?''
''Well, when I was interviewing Eduard Shevardnadze, I asked him, 'Eduard, who is the son of your father but not your brother?'''
''What did he say?'' Bush asked.
''He said, 'that's me,' so I hired him.'' Bush patted Gorbachev on the shoulder. ''Thanks, Mikhail. That's a great idea.'' As soon as he got back to Washington, Bush called Dan Quayle over to the White House.
''Dan,'' he said, ''I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father but not your brother?'' Quayle looked rather puzzled. ''Can I get back to you on that in 24 hours, Mr. President?'' He was very troubled by this question. He kept thinking about it and thinking about it, but couldn't get anywhere. Finally, the thought struck him, ''I'll ask Jim Baker. He's a smart guy.'' Quayle called Baker on the phone.
''Jim, I've got a question for you. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?''
''That would be me,'' Baker replied. Quayle broke into a big smile.
''Thanks, Jim. You've helped me out big time.'' He went running to the West Wing and burst into the Oval Office. ''Mr. President, I have the answer!''
''Okay, Dan. Who is the son of your father, but not your brother?''
''It's Jim Baker!'' said Quayle.
''No,'' said Bush. ''It's Shevardnadze.''

Q: How many Freudian analysts does it ta...

2006-06-30T16:00:00.000-07:00

Q: How many Freudian analysts does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two, one to change the bulb and one to hold the penis, I mean ladder

Pigtail crash helmet (IMG)

2006-06-30T14:00:00.000-07:00

Computer Gender

2006-06-30T12:00:00.000-07:00

Women claim that computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:
1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless.
3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.
4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.
Men concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:
1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic.
2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
3. Even your smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for retrieval.
4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

Give Me A Double

2006-06-30T10:00:00.000-07:00

So this guy walks into a bar and says, �Gve me two beers.�

The bartender obliges him.

The guy looks into his wallet and says, �Give me two more beers.�

So the bartender gives him two more beers. The man went on like this until he had put down ten beers, and keeps on going in his wallet and asking for two more beers.

So the bartender asks, �What's in your wallet that you keep looking at?�

So the man opens his wallet and says, �The more I drink, the prettier my wife gets.�

Never Trust a Woman

2006-06-30T08:00:00.000-07:00

Q: Why can you never trust a woman?

A: How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and does not die?

What dogs dream of (IMG)

2006-06-30T06:00:00.000-07:00

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store...

2006-06-30T04:00:00.000-07:00

Monica walks into her dry cleaning store and tells the guy, "Ive got another dress for you to clean."

Slightly hard of hearing, the clerk replies, "Come again?"

"No," says Monica. "Mustard."

There are times you should see a salesman (IMG)

2006-06-30T02:00:00.000-07:00

How to become president (IMG)

2006-06-30T00:00:00.000-07:00

The Nottingham Forest Chairman is consid...

2006-06-29T22:00:00.000-07:00

The Nottingham Forest Chairman is considering replacing Big Ron with Steve Davis.
Explaining this unusual move, he said "we dont just need points now, we need snookers!"

A man desperate at Villas current situa...

2006-06-29T20:00:00.000-07:00

A man desperate at Villas current situation decides to top himself. In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very last moment, he decides upon wearing his full Villa kit as his last statement. A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police.

On arrival, the police quickly remove the Villa kit and dress the man in stockings and suspenders.
The man, totally confused asks why.
The policeman simply replies, "its to avoid embarrassing your family.

A Childs Prayer

2006-06-29T18:00:00.000-07:00

One night, a father passed by his son's room and heard his son praying: "God bless Mommy, Daddy, and Grandma. Ta ta, Grandpa."

The father didn't quite know what this meant, but was glad his son was praying. The next morning, they found Grandpa dead on the floor of a heart attack. The father reassured himself that it was just a coincidence, but was still a bit spooked.

The next night, he heard his son praying again: "God bless Mommy and Daddy. Ta ta, Grandma."

The father was worried, but decided to wait until morning. Sure enough, the next morning Grandma was on the floor, dead of a heart attack.

Really scared now, the father decided to wait outside his son's door the next night. And sure enough, the boy started to pray: "God bless Mommy. Ta ta, Daddy."

Now the father was crapping his pants. He stayed up all night, and went to the doctor's early the next day to make sure his health was fine. When he finally came home, his wife was waiting on the porch. She said, "Thank God you're here -- we could really use your help! We found milkman dead on our porch this morning!"

Redneck swimming pool (IMG)

2006-06-29T16:00:00.000-07:00

"Excuse me, could you tell me the time?"...

2006-06-29T14:00:00.000-07:00

"Excuse me, could you tell me the time?" asked the blonde of a man on the street corner. "Sure... its three fifteen," he replied with a smile. "Thanks," she said, a puzzled look crossing her face. "You know, its the weirdest thing ... Ive been asking that question all day long, and each time I get a different answer."

Blonde Suicide

2006-06-29T12:00:00.000-07:00

A blonde went to the emergency room with the tip of her left index finger blown off. �How did this happen?� the doctor asked. �Well I was trying to commit suicide,� the blonde replied. �Trying to commit suicide by shooting your finger?� �No silly! First I put the gun to my chest and I thought, �I just paid $6,000 for these,� then I put it in my mouth and I thought, �I just paid $4,000 to get my teeth fixed.� So then I put the gun in my ear and I thought, �this is going to make a loud noise,� so I put my finger in my ear before I pulled the trigger.�

How to Mess With the IRS

2006-06-29T10:00:00.000-07:00

(Internal Revenue Service, an agency of thegovernment to whom Americans pay taxes on their salary.)

--Always put staples in the right hand corner.Go ahead and put a down the whole right side. The extractors who remove the mail from theenvelopes have to take out any staples in the right side.

--Never arrange paperwork in the right order,or even facing the right way. Put a few upside down and backwards. That way theyhave to remove all your staples rearrange your paperwork and re-staple it (on the leftside).

--Line the bottom of your envelope withElmer's glue and let it dry before you put in your forms, so that the automated openerdoesn't open it and the extractor has to open it by hand.

--If your very unfortunate and have to paytaxes use a two or three party check.

--On top of paying with a three party checkpay one of the dollars you owe in cash. When an extractor receives cash, no matter howsmall an amount, he has to take it to a special desk and fill out of few nasty forms.

--Write a little letter of appreciation. Anyletter received has to read and stamped regardless of what it is or what it's on.

--Write your letter on something misshapen andunconventional. Like on the back of a Kroger sack.

--When you mail it, mail it in a big envelope(even if its just a single EZi form). Big envelopes have to be torn and sorted differentlythan regular business size ones. An added bonus to the big envelope is that they takepriority over other mail, so the workers can hurry up and deal with your mess.

--If you send 2 checks they'll have to stapleyour unsightly envelope to your half destroyed form.

--Always put extra paper clips on your forms.Any foreign fasteners or the like have to be removed and put away.

--Sign your name in ink on every page. Anysignature has to verified and then date stamped.

NOTE: These are just a few of the fun andexciting things you can do with The Man. These methods are only recommended when you owemoney

Advancement opportunity:

2006-06-29T08:00:00.000-07:00

Advancement opportunity:
Crap job.

Entry level:
Really crap job.

No experience necessary:
The mother of all crap jobs.

Administrative assistant:
Crap job with a title.

Ground floor opportunity:
Crap job with a company that will file bankruptcy within a year.

Progressive company:
Employees get to wear jeans every other Friday.

Team player:
Must deal with dangerously territorial co-workers with rabid personalities.

Upbeat personality:
Must neither threaten us with any kind of lawsuit nor use the drug & alcohol rehab benefit within the first year.

Word processing skills essential:
Theres a crippling case of carpal tunnel syndrome in your future.

Public relations:
Receptionist

Professional appearance important:
$20K/yr job that requires a $100K/yr wardrobe

Pleasant telephone manner:
Be the voice of 1-900-HOT-TIME

Salary range $24,000 to $32,00:
The salary is $24,000 Jeans job!

Minimum wage temp job in concentration camp conditions.
Will train:

Prior conviction of a felony or two no problem.
B.A. required, masters preferred:

Must be an M.A. willing to work on a B.A.s salary Civil service:
This job was filled from the inside six months ago.

Women & minorities encouraged to apply:
White males need not waste the stamp.

Outstanding benefits package:
Health insurance.

Tons of variety!
We took all the heinous tasks no other employee would do &> rolled them into one job.

Top-notch communication skills:
Telemarketing Secretary:

Woman-only job with the responsibilities of management & wages of a migrant worker.

Dedicated:
Youre looking at a minimum of 80 hours a week from now until we force you into early retirement.

Salary commensurate:
Well pay you whatever the hell we feel like.

Salary negotiable
Well take the lowest bidder.

Competitive salary:
Well pay you up to 10% more than your last job and not one penny more.

Competitive starting salary:
Ten cents above minimum wage.

Pleasant atmosphere:
A staff of pod people.

Professional atmosphere:
Zombie pod people.

Fun, creative atmosphere:
Pod people from hell.

Dynamic atmosphere:
Zombie pod people from hell.

Gal Friday:
Anyone who actually applies for this job deserves it.

Self-starter:
Open to very broad interpretation since no one really knows what this means.

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heav...

2006-06-29T06:00:00.000-07:00

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I dont know, my wife told me to stand here."

Brooms and Carrotsticks

2006-06-29T04:00:00.000-07:00

Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles when he arrived, so he got in line. When it got to Bob, they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him a broom
''This is a magic broom -- point it at anybody, say 'Bangity bangity bang,' and they will die.'' Bob was really worried because he didn't think it would work, but he got in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it, Bob's turn came and they had ran out.
''Don't worry.'' said the man issuing them out. ''I will give you this magic carrot -- point it at somebody, say 'Stabbity stabbity stab,' and they will die." Now Bob is terrified, going into battle with a broom and carrot, when the sirens go off, signaling invasion. Bob goes out, only to be laughed at by the enemy. One enemy even comes up to him, hoping to get a good shot at him. Well, Bob didn't have anything to lose so he pointed at him and said ''Bangity bangity bang!'' and the guy fell down dead. He did the same thing with the magic carrot. Amazed at what was happening, he continued to fight. Then, a guy came slowly up to him and he would not die. Bob tried to shoot and stab him, but he wouldn't die. The last words poor Bob heard as he was being trampled over were ''Tankity tankity tank.''

Has Obi Wan got Milk ? (IMG)

2006-06-29T00:00:00.000-07:00

A very clever mouse (IMG)

2006-06-28T22:00:00.000-07:00

The male brain (IMG)

2006-06-28T20:00:00.000-07:00