-5 While it is probably hard enough being Bill Vander Zalm’s kid, Florist Wim Vander Zalm says the Burrard Bike lane is ruining his Hornby Street business. His evidence? “Sales were down by 46 per cent compared day-to-day with last year.” Because the economy is just that good.

-5 Also hating the Burrard Bridge bike lane. A guy who ran as a park board candidate for the NPA.

+10 Law-talking guy says that police will be breaking the law if they search the Olympic-related public in the street without cause.

Today: -25 This Year: -23

-20 CityCaucus is jizzing all over the Burrard bike lanes. Look: a YouTube of cars lined up. Also, we have a dedicated site for the Gregor’s Gridlock To quote Sean Orr on BR ‘Wouldn’t that actually speed up some people’s commutes? Oh yeah, forgot, cyclists don’t count as commuters. ‘

-5 Also, CityCaucus says Nimby Nimby Nimby

-25 Credit Check is unsure what to make of this whole schmozzle. The US right wing website Free Republic ran a horribly racist thing about the US President Obama’s daughter. (CC isn’t giving it traffic. You can Google it if you like.) Then Chris Parry of the Sun, the fucking Vancouver Sun, writes a story about it and it gets tons of coverage. Then Gawker gets into it and points out that Chris Parry has a Daily Kos blog and encouraged people to bile on right-wing websites. Says Gawker, “Parry, the journalist, found his story right where he’d been circling it for a very long time, and reported it as news. Sigh.”

There is an obvious lesson here that New Yorkers haven’t learned that Vancouverites know by heart: don’t read the fucking Sun.

Today: -45 This Year: -48

-1 What is it with the ‘progressive’ parties that make them treat people who need a hand worse than the right-wing parties do?. Also, some NDPers are unhappy with the party’s direction.

-20 Orwell alert. BC Liberals introduce daily charges to use the court system and call it better and ‘cheaper.’

+10 Canada’s original needle exchange programme shuts down after 29 years. The +10 is for a job well done.

Today: -8 This Year: -3

With additional writers in London UK, Toronto, and New York, the JUNO Awards Michael Jackson’s funeral will finally receive the attention it deserves. We’ll also be making dinner and getting loaded.

No big deal. It’s what we do.

All the with and banter will start blowing up in your face on this page: here starting at 10am PT Tuesday 7 July.

Please join us, after beers and round table discussion venue to be announced during the event.

-1 Honestly, CityCaucus Happy 4th of July?. You didn’t even say Happy Canada Day.

+5 Editor of the Straight “complains to mum and dad” :http://www.straight.com/article-238273/baldreydash-why-i-wrote-public-editor-new-york-times about BC journalists not disclosing speaker fees.

-10 UBC students being forced to sign ‘no-Olympic-protest’ contracts’ if they wish to live in student housing. Wait, Credit Check just read the article – it says they can’t put up signs claiming a commercial association with the games. Wha? Is Pepsi planning on paying students to put signs in the windows?

Today: +4 This Year: +5

Not too long ago, my girlfriend, her friend from work, and I were hanging out at her apartment. Whilst my girlfriend was off in her room, her friend and I discussed where we would eat that night. We looked at some places online and he told me he was going to take a shit. Right when he got up I decided to check my email, and Amil, I didn’t have enough time to enter my username and password before he came out of the bathroom. I looked at him in shock and he just said, “what, I’m quick.” I told him it takes me longer just to wash my hands and he said, “I don’t wash them.” I was shocked, but his explanation offended me to my core. He didn’t wash his hands, because he “didn’t touch anything.”

Here’s the problem, when I told my girlfriend about our friend’s filthy hygiene habits and his absurd explanation she responded that a man who doesn’t wash his hands after defecating is “her kinda guy!” I don’t know what to do? How can I be with someone like this? Her kinda guy? I know the women these days are fans of the “dirty” boys, but I always thought dirty was more of a stylistic choice, not someone with heinous hygiene that can put all of our health in jeopardy.

So, I’m guessing the only option is to break up with her? But do I need to somehow light the both of them on fire? Humanity is at stake.

Dear Gigantic Parasite,

That is disgusting and don’t you go thinking that lighting the two of them on fire is going to end this fecal blight on mankind because you have obviously been contaminated yourself. Murder-Suicide. That is the right thing to do.

And tell me this! Did you then afterwards go out and consume food with this person? Are you saying to me that you broke bread right after he broke poo? Ay yay yi!

Look at these worms, do they not look like something that happens to someone when they don’t wash their hands after they poo!? DO THEY NOT?

But I mean, if you really love this person, if that is even possible now, I guess it can be worked out. My toilet clogged on the weekend and I was like, “Okay, Amil, time to move. You can’t ever use this toilet again as it’s been, well, you know – compromised.”

But I love my apartment and it’s too late to start looking for something in the middle of summer, so whatever, I just bleached the shit out of it and then had a really, really long shower. So what I’m saying is, throw some bleach on her, hope it takes and then scrub the fuck out of your wormy body.

Dear Ms Niazi,

I work “creatively” with a group of friends who are generally pretty funny awesome, except for one douche who consistently butts heads with me. Thing is, aside from his stubborn, idiotic ideas and unwillingness to ever listen to me, he’s the one who owns the expensive equipment we use (and by we, I mean not him, because we don’t really trust him with using it properly). We’ve joke kicked him out of the group before, but I’m through with jokes. Is this a situation where poisoning would come in handy? We just have to make sure we borrow the equipment before tainting his Vitamin Water, right?

Adventures in Dummyland

Dear Control Freak,

Just so we’re all clear, you’re a young scamp who has a clubhouse where you make cute Youtube videos with your little friends and one of them is bothering you with his always wanting to do dances to Single Ladies? Right? Because as an objective reader – and more importantly – an adult, that’s what I’m getting from your question. That you are a child.

Oh, you’re using some guy for his web cam, but you don’t know how to tell him that you hate his fat guts and you wish that he had never been born? Well why don’t you get a job and buy your own Carebears Handy Cam, so that your “No Dummiez Allowed” club can be exactly the way YOU want it to be.

Grow up!

Dear Amil,

Your literary prowess and humorability tickle my fancy so.
Perchance, might you be available for dating and/or meaningful friendship?

Sincerely,
No Lecherous Intent

Dear Perv,

1.) Humorability is not A word, let alone ONE word
2.) Pray tell, what sort of meaningful friendship would you like us to have over the internet? Cyber-perv.
3.) Send me a picture, NO FATTIES! A/S/L?

+1 Gas tax of 3.6¢ per litre now in force. Feel free to start bitching irrationally.

0 The leader of the BC Conservative Party resigns. No, it’s not Carole James.

-10 Idiot Horby Street merchants think increased bike is worse for business than cars.

Today: -8 This Year: +1

-1 People are shitting themselves over Evergreen Line construction, fearing it will be like the Cambie Street cut & cover. The Evergreen Line goes goes through a mountain.

0 Facebook perma-defriender out on bail. Plans to use Vancouver Sun classifieds for future threats so no one will notice.

-10 Media freaks out because Jonas Brothers fans had to wait thirty minutes. Also, they had trouble parking.

Today: +4 This Year: +9

-10 Park Board is now charging for grass. $13 a hit.

+25 Parents want Mandarin immersion programmes. Which is about time. A lot of money is spent on a second language few people in BC need to speak and no money spent on the language of the 19th, 20th, and 21st century BC.

-50 Charles, Prince of Canada and his consort will be dropping by a country and province that can’t seem to figure out what an embarrassment a monarchy is.

Today: -50 This Year: +5

Recently I went to see Phish. My friends won’t stop with the teasing. I’ve tried to play them a few songs to convince them that it’s ok. They didn’t like Chalkdust Torture. They really didn’t like Fluffhead. Now the teasing is so much worse. They are calling me Fluffhead and they mean penis when they say it. What should I do?

Phishhead

Dear Take Me Now Lord,

Wow. You are blowing my Fluffhead with this question. And I mean penis when I say that.

I’m not saying I know the most about music, but when you say Phish, you mean that band with the ice cream? Are we talking about Cherry Garcia?

Look, I saw Lillith Fair at a very impressionable young age so I’m not going to judge you too hard, but you should know that it’s taken years to erase that experience from my memory. But I have. I unbraided the body hair. I took down my “Smash the Patriarchy” posters. I’ve moved on. I’m like, “Paula Cole who?”

So listen to your friends when they say, “Shut up about that band that no one has ever heard.”

The healing starts right here.

Dear Amil,

What should I do with my life? I feel like I’m going nowhere fast.

Aimless

Dear It’s The Journey, Not the Destination (bullet!),

It’s a recession, dummy! There’s not time for pontification or bourgeoisie yearning. People are eating squirrels, god dam you!

Finding yourself is for closers!

Jokes. Here you go:

+15 Also on Megaphone, an intriguing art project of paint portraits of the missing Vancouver women.

-5 You read it first in Only, now you can read it in the Sun four months later: Mounties harassing Olympic activists in advance of the games.

+5 This is yet another reason that transit directors should be required to retire their cars and live like normal people: Transit riders in Greater Victoria will not be allowed to carry any alcohol on board buses this Canada Day.

-5 Condo owner complains that violence happens in homeless shelters undre Granville Bridge yet tolerates dens of bad rock on the Granville strip.

Today: +25 This Year: +55

+5 Credit Check is sick and tired of yet another Naked Man runs off with Fast Food story.

-5 Pulp and paper bailout. Seal clubbing enthusiasm. Now we are supporting Asbestos. Honestly, when will we start funding research into phlogiston?

+5 This story on small BC cities redeveloping their downtowns is all well and good but when Credit Check was living in Prince George in 1980, the plan then was to put a dome over the entire downtown.

+5 RainCity housing has the solution to bed bugs: cook the bastards.

+25 Megaphone has an excellent issue on the politics of food But don’t be cheap and click the link – buy it from your local vendor.

Today: +30 This Year: +30

+5 How can a province that continually re-elects Gordon Campbell and Stephen Harper think that inviting US president Barack Obama would be a cool thing to do? You know, there are people left of Salazar here too, you know.

-25 Bad Lieutenant Report Oh, here’s a shocker. The Mounties circulated an email that says the Airport 4 planned to taser Robert Dziekanski, before they even encountered him.

-5 The Federal Science Minister is funding a strange conference on Israel/Palestinian relations. We don’t even want to know what twisted fantasy this guy has that puts the Israel/Palestinian in the context of science.

-10 DTES rents through the roof, says report

Today: -30 This Year: -30