Onwards - Getting Rid of the Regain

My May 9th, 16th, and 26th posts can be found

2008-05-09T16:33:00.000-07:00

here.

I also have a new post in Stars on the Ceiling, my other blog.
It is entitled "Learning to See."

Moving Day

2008-05-06T22:47:00.000-07:00

I'm moving my blog to the newer version in which you can make changes easily instead of messing with the template. My first post will be a repeat of the one I wrote on May 3. The name of my blog is Onwards (still).

Weight Watchers - Again

2008-05-03T14:49:00.000-07:00

Just a quickie post for now. I rejoined WW on Thursday. As it turns out, there is a meeting within walking distance of my house. The group is small; eleven people besides the lecturer and clerk were there. The program has been slightly changed. I get fewer points at my current weight than I would have on the previous program, but some of my low-cal faves like uncooked carrots and a number of cooked root veges are now o point foods. I feel really good and optimistic about the group and my long range success.

Treading Water

2008-02-28T17:19:00.000-08:00

Sometimes in these past couple of weeks I have felt so anchored in my own resolve that I absolutely KNEW that I'd never again get off course. Then a sleepless night drains my energy reserve and the anchor doesn't hold. I drift wherever the temptations take me. The good thing, the Absolutely Great Thing, is that this hasn't been turning into a full throttle torrent of maniacal binging. I've even managed to reverse course within a single day. My weight reflects this. I've had a small statistically insignificant weight loss which could be due to variations in the conditions of my weigh in and normal fluctuation.

One thing that has helped me is that I'm focusing on target dates for weigh-ins rather than looking towards a future date to once again begin again. All to often the dynamic of the "start over" has led to a raucous binge.

I've also started noting the ways that I've been helping myself to succeed. Eating breakfast at the dining table instead of the family room couch is one example. Taking my morning shower before breakfast is another. On Thursday, I was able to note the (approximately) five mile hike that I took with a friend. Today I'll put in some time on the elliptical just so that I can be able to record that I've done it. Otherwise, my tendency would be to avoid it "just for today" so that I could accomplish certain tasks.

Mama nature has mightily helped with some awesome Spring weather these week and half.
I've included some signs of spring photos in my other blog.

The Me photos above and below are Before pictures. Given that this extra large top and pair of pants fits me like a sausage casing, I think that I'll be able to wear these clothes even at my goal weight. They'll look a whole lot different on me then. And it will happen. I will make it happen.

I Think That I'm Back

2008-02-11T16:52:00.000-08:00

Some day, but not now, I may write about the loss that I eluded to in my last post. As to Matt, his condition continues to challenge both of us. He is constantly dealing with pain of various sorts.

Despite this, I am beginning to have a sense that my personal Spring is just around the corner. I have gained a massive amount of weight. This morning's readout was 204.5 lbs., the highest I've ever been. Last night I dreamed that I was getting ready to return to a healthful eating program. In this dream, I was making diet chocolate pudding and didn't have enough milk for the recipe. I realized that I could use some of Matt's chocolate and regular fat level milk. I had a few bites from a sheet of chocolate brownies. I thought about the smaller waistline that I would have in a few months. I was ready to embark on a weight loss program and people noticing my weight loss was just a matter of time.

I've had a number of dreams in the past few weeks that suggest that I'm once again ready to succeed with this lifelong challenge. It was such a dream that heralded that long ago success when I went from 192 lbs. on 10-22-01 to 127 lbs. in April of 2003. I KNEW from the beginning that I would be successful then. Getting rid of the weight was easy for me because of this mental certainty.

It is now a few minutes past 5 p.m. I've accomplished very little today. I am going to spend 15 minutes on the Elliptical now. I had planned this to be only a quick check-in to let my on-line friends know that I was still alive. Having written this all, I think that I am back.

A Difficult Time

2007-12-28T16:17:00.000-08:00

This has become a very difficult time in my life. For now, I won't be blogging or (most probably) reading the blogs of my on-line friends. Matt's condition remains a challenge for both of us.
Beyond that, someone about whom I once cared deeply has disappeared from my life. I am grieving this loss. I am finding the inner strength to move forward. Onwards now and forward.

Merry Christmas and Onwards

2007-12-12T14:53:00.000-08:00

I haven't fallen off the planet and am not floating in a vat of fat slamming all kinds of gooey goodies down my throat. Like many of you, I'm busy with all kinds of pre-Christmas activities. Hopefully I'll finish with the Christmas cards today. I hope you all are doing well and wish you highly excellent Christmases (just in case I don't post until then). Onwards now to the Christmas cards.

Defeat For Now.

2007-11-18T14:53:00.000-08:00

The title comes from one of Cactus Freek's blog labels. It unfortunately well describes the current state of my self discipline. There are some easy targets wherein I could put blame for my lack of fortitude. Matt's post-op situation following the first of his three spinal operations on Wednesday was more challenging than either of us expected. Now a new rib fracture is causing him constant pain. Matt, therefore, is responsible for my maladaptive behavior. Except that I know better. If I had been disciplined enough and smart enough to build a sufficient history of self discipline beforehand, it would have carried me through the stress of Matt's pre and post operation pains. "Smart enough" really does enter into this. When I choose to take the easiest path in giving into a slight temptation, I put my brain on hold. I lock it in a well insulated box which I put in another box and another box after that. And then I forget where I've hidden the boxes.

With Thanksgorging four days away, I don't see myself becoming self disciplined in the next few days. But why not!!! Even if I'm planning to allow myself to be self indulgent on T-giving, why do I have to compound the damages in the days before the holiday? Even with my brain still in storage, this makes no sense. Okay. There will be some pre-Thanksgiving temptations. Grocery store samples come to mind. But why can't I allow myself the samples without going calorie insane? Because I'm helpless against my own compulsivity; Once I've loosened the restraints, I am programmed to stuff myself to and beyond the point of pain. Even before these self destructive urges have hit me, I've given in to their power to overwhelm my better instincts. If this was war, and it is in a sense, I've declared defeat before even entering into battle.

What I've described as my thinking processes with regard to food makes no sense to me. A change is in order and with it a new approach. Yesterday (or the day before), I received my most recent order from Amazon.com:

Medicine Cards: The Discovery of Power Through the Ways of Animals by Jamie Sams, David Carson, and Angela C. Werne. I think that I will select a card tomorrow and use it as a guide to make better decisions about the food I eat. Perhaps the power of the animals, whether as an archetype, metaphor, or something else, will help me to regain my sanity.

Happy Thanksgorging everyone.

May the day be a good one for you whether you celebrate the holiday or not.

Just Checking In

2007-11-11T22:23:00.000-08:00

I haven't fallen off the planet, but also haven't been motivated to write for a while. I've been gorging myself on novels, one after another. Currently I'm immersed in The Great Stink by Clare Clark (if I've got the name right). The next couple of months will be somewhat chaotic. Matt has four outpatient surgeries scheduled, three of which will require hotel stays in Berkeley. The (eating) holidays are soon approaching. Amidst the chaos and inevitable temptations, my health goal is to maintain my weight, 196 lbs. as of this morning. I hope to catch up with reading the blogs of my on-line friends in the next couple of days and, if not by then, at least by the end of next week-end. Onwards now to cuddle up in bed with The Great Stink, an excellent book which I heartally recommend. It is the author's first novel and I'm already looking forward to her next one.

Paint It Black (for now)

2007-11-03T19:01:00.000-07:00

I'm going through a bit of a rough spot right now. My Fall depression has hit me with a whallop. Sometimes it's worse than others. Sometimes I've passed through Fall with little wear and tear. It started on Monday. Matt and I had seen Cold Case the night before. The story line began with a murder at a high school reunion. I found myself involuntarily thinking about high school on Monday. It was a painful period in my life and, at most levels, I've gotten way way passed it. But, it's November. Old hurts become magnified. And in November all previous hurts come to the surface. My failures. My lack of achievements. Never mind that most of the time I look at my life with a great deal of satisfaction about how things turned out. It's not even a thought thing, this Autumn depression of mine. Even with my mind free of all thoughts, I feel this sense of heaviness. Also a sense that vinegar runs through my blood. I've got to find the time to get on the elliptical and start pumping up those endorphins. When the depression hits me like this, all I want to do is crawl in a soft, warm cave (and eat cereal).

When Is The Last Time?

2007-10-29T23:44:00.000-07:00

This is the title of my newest post on my other blog, Stars on The Ceiling.

A Brief Lapse

2007-10-29T22:27:00.000-07:00

A little reminder of what 127 lbs. looks like:

The bottom line is that two weeks after reporting a weight of 194.5 lbs., I am still at that weight. This is both a good thing and a not so good thing. Most importantly, I am still on fire to get rid of the lbs. Perhaps "on fire" is not such a good metaphor from a Californian living approx. 500 miles away from the raging flames down south, but the term well describes the energy that I'm currently able to harness to burn off the flab.

The stumbling blocks during these past two weeks involve food and exercise. Fatigue is a common denominator with both. The remedy is obvious: Get enough sleep. Something else that has effected my use of the elliptical cross trainer (ECT) has been pain and the remedy there is also obvious at least in this case: Don't overdo it. Some of my on-line friends have warned me about this. I think I set myself up for injury by setting the resistance and the incline level higher than currently appropriate. I find myself using the "random cross" program on a regular basis. I had been amping up the resistance to be four levels higher than the set pattern. Having learned my lesson, I'll be doing the set pattern for a while. Some of my on-line friends have commented that they get tired just reading about this exercise. I am at a point of totally enjoying it. My time on it, usually an hour now, is like a dance and a meditation. I'm freed from the impact of walking, dancing, running and can gently move to the music that I've chosen. I've become steadier in my pacing of this, trying to maintain a heartbeat level that doesn't go over 84% of the maximum. This is a change from the bursts of speed that I was doing before I overdid it. Without the heartbeat monitor, I could easily go much faster. And I want to. The monitor is my safety net and I allow it to guide me.

Where I've gotten off track with food, the reasons derive from fatigue, lack of preparation, and a week-end away from home. I've already mentioned the first of these and the remedy for the second is to take the time to stay prepared. I need to make this a priority. The third reason rings the alarm for the holidays ahead. Matt and I went the week-end of the 21st/22nd. We spent Saturday and Saturday night in Scotts Valley. I think I gave myself an appropriate amount of leeway in my menu choices at dinner that night. On Sunday, we went to San Jose to visit Bendy (Ben and Wendy) and my granddaughter, Maddie. The lunch that Bendy served, a prepared chicken dish and risotto from Trader Joes, was high in calories and 3M delicious.
(3M=multi-mega-mighty) Usually Bendy serve less fattening fare. Of course, I could have declined dessert, 3 mini chocolate covered cheesecakes. Yeah right! Having eating the 3M delicious dinner, there was no way that I could have walked away from the cheesecakes. I did well by not scarfing down the one that Matt left on his plate. Of course the highly intelligent way of dealing with this all was to waltz with the binge monkey when I got home. Fortunately it was a short dance.As I said, the alarm has rung for the impending holiday season. I'll figure strategy before then. For now, I'll consider myself warned.

So I had a little foray into the doomed world of bouncing flab. My visits were brief and, more often than not, I compensated for them by doing the ECT dance. There will be no more forays in the coming days and weeks. I'm well along on the path to finally get rid of the regain.

Just A Quickie Note

2007-10-25T18:40:00.000-07:00

I'm still on track - more or less. Most importantly, I've been keeping up with the elliptical. I've had some food lapses, including today. I also just finished an hour on the elliptical. My weight this morning was 195.

I'm waaay behind reading the blogs of my on-line friends (but I'm up to date with an important chore that long loomed over my head). I'll be playing catch up soon (I hope).

Momentum

2007-10-15T11:13:00.000-07:00

I've got the momentum going now. Thankfully, with a weight in the 190's, I've got 29 points (approx. 1500 calories) to play around with each day. In the final leg of my journey to 127 lbs. in the Spring and Fall of 2003, I had to keep the daily point count between 18 and 23. The Weight Watcher plan is well devised in this regard. On a number of days this week, keeping to 29 points was difficult. I allowed myself an extra point and was still on track because I'd worked out on the elliptical. One day I went to a Japanese restaurant for lunch with a friend. I ordered udon noodle soup with tofu and a tiny bottle of sake. Later that afternoon I had a small piece of apple pie that she had made from home grown gravensteins. Before meeting up with my friend, I'd decided to make the wisest decisions I could with regard to food. If healthful eating is truly going to be a life time thing, I've got to train myself to sanely enjoy the pleasures of "the real world." The alternative is a lifetime of reaching out between the bars of my diet cage for stalks of celery because one bite of pie will have me dancing with the binge monkey. When I returned home, I put in an hour of high intensity work on the elliptical.

When I began the journey from 192 to 127 lbs., I knew that I would be successful. As I've previously mentioned, my weight loss was preceded by a dream in which the sun was shining on me and I was radiant with the knowledge that I would succeed. In the past few days, I've had dreams of resisting temptation and of meeting people from the past who I wished had seen me at 127. In these dreams, I'd already gotten rid of some of the regain and looked forward to the gradual process of getting back to my goal weight.

I don't now have the same certitude about my success that I had in October 2001. I'm aware of vulnerabilities that I have now that I didn't have back then. Or perhaps they were there and made themselves known when I struggled with maintenance. In any case, I feel more optimistic about getting back to my goal weight than I have for a very long time. It's been an epic struggle to get the momentum going. I will not jeopardize it with careless decisions and lazy behavior. I have the inner strength, intelligence and self discipline to keep it going. As I am doing now. And onwards.

Oh yeah, my weight this morning was 194.5

And also, today I had a pain in my back, particularly on the left side, that was a result of overdoing it yesterday on the elliptical. I'd gone up to a resistance of 12 out of 20 and an incline of 10, the highest level. So today I stayed at resistance level 1 and incline level 1 (for a little longer than an hour).

Yup. I working hard to get rid of the regain.

At My Fattest and On Track

2007-10-07T15:31:00.000-07:00

The only thing standing between me and my goal weight is time.

My eating has been off track this week, but I've been getting solidly into a working out routine. I've taken long walks or done vigorous stints on the elliptical six of the past seven days. On the one day that I didn't exercise, I had a tooth pulled in the morning, also a bridge removed, bone material inserted where the roots of the tooth had been, and the wound sewn up. I only worked out for eighteen minutes on the previous day. Time had gotten away from me, but I was determined to at least get in those eighteen minutes to keep the momentum going.

Today I weigh 201, my highest non-pregnancy weight and possibly my highest weight ever. Having persevered with the exercise, I am confident that the lbs. will be coming off in the succeeding weeks and months. I have been reluctant to state specific weight goals in the past. I have believed, and continue to maintain, that if I eat appropriately and exercise regularly the weight will take care of itself. Even so, I am setting a realistic target weight: 185 lbs. by 1/1/08. This was my weight on 9/29/05 when I began this blog with the goal of getting rid of the regain. Oh, how sad, how tragic, how . . . human, that I now find myself beginning again 16 pounds heavier than I was when I started. I notice that I'm smiling as I write this . . . . because I really really really know that the only thing that stands between me and my goal weight is time. I am up for the job of doing what I need to do to get there.

The Good Bubbly -----------------------------My Sweetie

Endorphin Amplifier--------------- The Keys to Getting High

With A Little Help From My On-Line Friends

2007-10-01T18:06:00.000-07:00

I've got to thank Half Man again for his inspiration. I was planning to go on the elliptical today, as I've planned and not done for the last several days, while time was running away from me as I read through the blogs of my on-line friends. When I came to Half Man's (and was realizing that today was likely to be another one of good intentions left undone), I got the kick in the head that I needed. He described his "foul mood last week" as a result of his inability to exercise because of a bad back. "I was not able to cope . . . with the other crap going on in my life" without getting the endorphins that are produced when one exercises. Eureka!! The man has found gold. Getting on the elliptical is not about burning calories or increasing cardio health. It's about those awesome endorphins. It's a way to get a legal high. Thus motivated, I read through another few blogs and got on the elliptical that is always standing therewhen I write my blogs.

And it's a good thing that I did. Despite it being October 1, the first of the month and a wonderful time to be-good-from-now-on-without exceptions, I was slowly paving the way for an off track day. I returned home from a stressful consultation with my oral surgeon and had a wonderful on-track lunch. I'd given myself a very decent serving of watermelon then, already full, another very decent serving. I was pigging out on watermelon. Of the various foods one might binge on, watermelon is not a terrible choice, but . . . On the kitchen island was a package of biscotti that Matt had picked up on his way home from his lab tests. "They're only 100 calories for 2 of them," he told me. At some points in my day, these 100 calories could easily fit in with my remaining on track. After lunch and a watermelon binge, this was not such a point. Still, they were there and I'd already had the watermelon, so I might as well have a couple I decided. And I did.

The way this tale would usually go is on to other indiscretions. Instead, I checked my blog and saw 6 comments on my previous posts. People are checking up on me. And I really really really want to be a success story. I want to be writing one of those blogs about goals set and achieved. I did that last year prior to going to Spain. Prior to Matt's leukemia diagnosis. And I can do it again.

And I got inspired by what people wrote. I got inspired by what Cactus Freek wrote: "No Excuses." And "No Compromises." And then I came to Half Man's post about endorphins.

And I got on the elliptical for 36 minutes including warm up and cool down. According to the machine, I burned up 223 calories. That should make up for the watermelon and the biscotti. And now I'm feeling good about the day and, at 6:25 p.m. am pretty sure that I WILL PERSEVERE.

Profile Photo

2007-10-01T17:01:00.000-07:00

A Foolish Child

2007-09-27T12:19:00.000-07:00

How wonderful to receive 13 comments.

Unfortunately I've been an unrestrained child since my last post.
This will change.
I will be back on track when I write again.

I Finally Got Rid of 3 Pounds

2007-09-15T16:15:00.000-07:00

It took me getting to 200/201 pounds, but I've finally reversed direction. My yaaay is somewhat tempered by the gasoline price factor. A few days ago, as we drove past our usual station, Matt noticed that the price per gallon was less expensive than the previous week. "It's kind of funny," he observed, "but I my first thought was that the gas was cheap. Imagine thinking that gas is cheap at $2.84 a gallon." I realize that my on-line friends from across the pond may think that such a price is indeed cheap, but here in the U.S., we almost had another revolution when gas hit $3.00 a gallon. Also, when it hit $2.00 and $1.00 a gallon.

So now, at 197 pounds (and gas at $2.84 a gallon), I have a sense of accomplishment. And it is hard earned. This week's challenges were not so much seductive as habitual. Saying "no" to a slight temptation when you're used to an easy "yes" is difficult. Maintaining that denial is demanding.

I've made some changes that have made success easier for me. Rather than following any particular plan, my focus has been on making healthful decisions, something Christine has also been discussing in her blog. One that has been important for me is to have a measured amount of cereal with milk before I go to bed. I know that many people find that stopping eating after a certain time works better for them. I find that the cereal + milk helps me fall asleep easier. Knowing that I'll be having the cereal has also made it easier for me avoid a post dinner food rampage. I've put ice cream on the DANGER list and made fruit an unlimited indulgence for now. I've also been freer with my use of olive oil and natural grains such as rice. I don't know if I'll be able to get to 127 lbs. with the way I'm eating right now. After I'd achieved 127 lbs., I felt like I had to limit the number of apples that I'd consume at any one sitting. On more than one occasion, I felt that I'd overdone it when I ate two or three at a time. Being the entirely rational person that I am, I allowed my perceived gluttony to be the springboard for a mega-mighty binge. The Truth is: I may not be able to eat as many apples as I can, but I sure didn't get to 197 lbs. by eating apples.

In a recent post, Half-Man succinctly stated some ideas that I'd like to remember. I hope he doesn't mind my repeating them here:

"I try to avoid those situations in which I need will power."

"Living fit is my #1 job."

"I needed to eat like someone who respected himself."

"Since this is my lifestyle and not temporary program, there is not wagon
for me to fall off."

And to this I'll add one that I maintained when I made the journey from 192 lb. to 127 lb. (from October 22, 2001 to April 2003)

IF I DO THE PROGRAM, THE WEIGHT WILL TAKE CARE OF ITSELF

(or) If I make healthful decisions, the weight will take care of itself.
If I live fit, the weight will take care of itself.
If I eat like someone who respects herself, the weight will take care of itself.

Hanging In There and Getting Fatter By The Day

2007-09-08T17:17:00.000-07:00

Except the fatter part if going to change - RIGHT NOW!!! and all the nows to follow.

Matt had the bladder cancer surgery on Wednesday. He came home within hours with a catheter strung up his dick. Ouch, except that he tells me it isn't as painful as it looks except when he has to pee. Yikes. Said catheter is due to be removed on Monday. Generally, Matt seems to be in somewhat less pain than the week before he was hospitalized. His spirits seem better too. Hopefully the time will soon come when the pain is minimal and he/we can enjoy life a bit. He's talking about wanting to rent a house/condo by the beach or taking off in the RV for a while. We haven't gotten the results of the bone marrow test or the CT Scans done in the hospital yet. His oncologist may have taken the week off. We could probably call his primary care doctor re. this, but, since we're dealing with the catheter etc., we don't feel all that inclined to pursue this. We'll be seeing, Dr. Freitus, the PCD, a week from Monday. If we haven't heard the results before then, we'll get them then.

I've been eating whatever the hell I want to eat. Not surprisingly, I have grandly bounced across the 200 lb. line. The scale has reached 201 on occasion. At times, many times, I just haven't cared about what I'm doing to my body. When fatigue gets added to this, the picture gets even messier. Except for possibly reaching 200 when I was preggers, I've never been this fat. I can feel the difference at this particular benchmark. Two hundred feels monumentally bulkier than 190. This surprises me. I know that I have a "good excuse" for mindless overeating. But I have to get a hold of myself. And, at least for today (at least so far) I am doing it. One day at a time or one moment at a time, I've got to make wiser decisions for myself. I am not an infant or an imbecile, but the way I've been dealing with food has been immature and idiotic. My intention, my sincere intention, is to be able to honestly write about successfully taking charge of my eating no matter what is or is not taking place with Matt's health. Matt needs me and I need myself to do a better job of taking care of myself.

Matt Update

2007-09-03T15:27:00.000-07:00

Matt came home from the hospital yesterday, September 2. During his stay there, his pain was stabalized and he was given a multitude of tests. One of them revealed a bladder infection which will continue to be treated at home and which might have caused the intensification of his ongoing pain. The results of a bone marrow test and of a scanning of his brain and back will be available tomorrow.

Prior to this hospitalization, Matt was scheduled for a bladder cancer surgery on Wednesday, September 5. The urologist described this as an uncomplicated out-patient procedure. Tomorrow we'll be meeting with the urologist to evaluate whether the surgery should go ahead or be postponed. Matt will also be getting further lab tests. A visit with his primary care doctor is also scheduled the following week.

I don't know what lies ahead. Kaisar Permanente, our health care provider, arranged for a hospital bed to be delivered to our house along with a few other items. Matt slept there last night instead of on the family room couch as he has for the last many months. At its two ends, the couch reclines like a reclining chair and Matt has preferred to sleep there because of his back problems. I think the severe neck pain which emerged last Monday and eventually led to my decision to have him hospitalized may have been caused by his not being able to sleep in a horizontal position.

I don't think either of us are cheerful right now as we look towards the future. Actually, I think we are both exhausted, physically and emotionally. We both want this to be a bump in the road with which we deal and then move onwards. We don't want the road ahead to be made of the same material as the bump. Unfortunately, I don't think we get to have a say in this.

Again, thank you to those of you who are following this. Your concern means much to me.

Matt is in the Hospital

2007-08-30T23:01:00.001-07:00

He was hospitalized last night, Tuesday night, because of unmanageable pain. I'll update this info. when I'm up to it. I appreciate all of you who have come to my blog and emotionally supported me. You are important to me.

My Truest Blessings

2007-08-26T20:31:00.001-07:00

My son, Ben, with Wendy and baby Madeline

Matt and Maddie

Maddie and Me

Rachael at Graduation

Blessings

2007-08-10T23:55:00.000-07:00

I'm back, a half pound heavier (198.5) but (so far) holding the line on 200 (although that's what the scale showed at Kaisar, our health care facility - but it was mid-afternoon and I was fully clothed then.)

I was thinking today about the many ways in which my life is blessed. If I'd been blind and was able to see for the first time today's incredible and varied colors, I would be ecstatic. Or if I knew that tomorrow my ability to see would end, I'd be devouring each moment of sight and holding it close to me. I should be celebrating now this gift of sight that I so take for granted. When I left the afternoon's heat and felt that first splash of Kaisar's air conditioned coolness, I felt glad and blessed for my ability to feel this sensation.

Right now, Life is confronting Matt and me with dismal challenges.
Right now, we still have each other and know how lucky we are for that bond.
Right now, I will plunge onwards, into the unknown, and I will find courage and joy.
And when joy is not to be found, I will stand firm
And when I can no longer stand firm, I will find a way say thank you
And I will find my way even as I stumble
And love will guide me

Blue

2007-08-08T23:52:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling blue
and am not doing with self discipline right now. And right now, I don't care - even though I imagine that I'll care tomorrow or the next day or the day after that. Sometimes life really sucks bitter lemons.