Opalor

Anxious about anxiety

2023-03-23T22:18:00.005-07:00

As much as I don't want to admit it (and too embarrassed too), I think I am silently (or not) battling anxiety.

I prefer to either work too much or sleep. I hoard stuff, most I don't need. I think too much. I sleep early (which I think is a side effect of my recent high blood sugar levels), but wake up every now and then. I need melatonin tabs to help me get by a full night's rest.

I want to go out, but most of the time I feel like I can't go alone. I get easily offended by little things, but when I decide to not care, I offend others.

I'm a lonely girl but I feel I don't deserve to feel this. I am blessed, in so many things that I think I shouldn't even feel this. I question myself many times. And when it gets validated (that I'm not worthy), I feel sadder.

Have I lost faith? Am I losing it? What is this?

Life hits

2018-02-12T02:07:00.002-08:00

It has been more than a year since I last blogged. And if you have been following my posts, you would know that this means I have too much time on my hands and on one of my melancholic highs. Yes, I think I am depressed.

Early last year, hubby and I started a mushroom business. Fast forward to this year, we are one of the most looked-up-to growers here in the Philippines. A mix of marketing strategy, research, experience and just plain common sense :)

I have been feeling low for the past months, after so many bashings from internet detractors. And in the past few weeks, yet another issue has surfaced. I know I asked for time to stay at home and just do our household chores. Now that I was given that, my husband now has too many things on his plate and has not been spending time with me either. This has posed as a problem. If you must know, I require attention. Attention for me is a love language. If I am not given enough time, I bite. This is also not the first time this has happened in our almost 16 years (yes, we will be celebrating this coming weekend -- if we are celebrating at all) of marriage. I have asked many times for this attention. I just feel there is not enough.

Do you also feel that you give too much love, yet not get the same amount back? I do. Almost always. I have asked in several different ways, to no avail. At least to my standards. Am I asking too much?

I feel so lonely. Today. Since Saturday. Since last week. Since 2 weeks, 3 weeks ago. I don't know what to do.

My experience with mumps

2017-01-15T03:43:00.001-08:00

So, what is up?

Here I am, stuck at home, together with the 2nd kid. While the rest of the fam went to church this morning and is now at a relatives' place having dinner. I have been in bed for a week now, mainly because of adult mumps and the complications I've had since I got this.

Some of you might say, "Mumps? On an adult? Whut?!" Yep, I have them. I know I didn't get them yet when I was a kid so for sure, when the youngest had them, I was next in line. She was always with me and sleeps in between I and the hubby. We cuddle, we kiss. You know the drill.

So let me tell you what has happened in the past week, aside from NOTHING.

I have had the fever for many days now. It only goes down when I take antipyretics (Medicol and Advil) or give myself cold packs on the head and face. Since yesterday, it has gone down one notch. In fact, I was able to drive up until Greenhills earlier to get my replacement charger for this Macbook. (Ugh, I'm a few thousands poorer -- remind me!)
I have been feeling that my heart skips a beat or two every so often. This one I really dread, and have woken up several nights, praying to God to forgive me, claiming He'll bring me to heaven and not anywhere else if it's already time. At the back of my mind, it was all okay, except that I kinda worried for my family and my parents. They'd be really, really sad, I know. This gave me a hard time breathing, which leads me to another happening...
I think I have asthma again. I haven't been taking my MaxGXLs for quite some time now, and especially not since I've had the mumps. So I know this was bound to happen too. Plus my immune system has been compromised.
My pee smells funny. For the past week, this has been so. I either cough it up to the mumps, or the meds I'm taking is taking toll on my kidneys, or that my blood sugar levels may be high.
I get chills every time. Although I can take a bath, I still need my blanket and socks at times, even when its in the middle of the day. Without A/C.
My back aches like there's no tomorrow. Well, in general, my whole body does. My back just became the highlight.
I wasn't able to eat well during the first 5 days. Now I eat better BUT I get dizzy after every meal. Weird, I know.
I started a journal just right before I got the mumps and haven't really written anything substantial for a few days. So much for my Bullet Journal-ing.
I have orders for the business that I couldn't deliver. Well, because.
I have projects for my part time stint, and yes, I still wasn't able to deliver.
I had too many ideas, but then my laptop charger broke down on me, so I had to drive some 33 kilometers (to and fro) to get a replacement, which by the way, costs a fortune.

Yes, a lot has happened. I've also documented my face during this experience. Please excuse the not-prepared-for-a-photo faces.

High fever redness

This is my ordeal. Still not completely healed as of today, but I know that in the days to come, I will be. I also wouldn't want to worry about the other things I've been feeling lately too. Nothing will harm me. My God is with me.

Also, we received many blessings this week too. Paid bills and really high grades and honors for my children. GOD IS GOOD.

Ciao for now :)

Paulit ulit

2016-08-12T13:27:00.001-07:00

Sometimes, frustration get the best of me. Ang dami kong beses na nainis ngayong linggo na to. And last week. Ang daming frustrations. Ang daming nagpapalabas ng anxiety attacks ko. At kahit ilampung beses akong magpilit maging chill lang at masaya, kapag naiisip ko ang sitwasyon, nawawala lahat.

Nasabi ko na bang ayokong hindi napapansin? Or at least, ma-acknowledge man lang ang trabaho ko. Whether sa professional na trabaho man yan, sa tulong ko, o kahit sa mga gawaing bahay lang.

I was raised to be a considerate person. And yes, thoughtful din ako minsan. Pero parang feeling ko na-corrupt na ang pagiging thoughtful ko. Nawala na. Dahil sa mga nangyayari sa paligid at mga tao sa paligid.

Ang hirap ng ganito. Lagi ako mag-isa. Ako lang ang gising sa gabi, at madalas kahit sa umaga. Madami ako nararamdaman, pero parang wala akong karapatan magreklamo. Bakit? Dahil yung mga nakapaligid sakin, mas madami na ang reklamo. Di na ko makasingit. Di na ko makadaing.

At kanina, inilabas ko lang ang mga nasa isip ko, naging masama pa pala. Kasi MAS ang iniisip nung pinagsabihan ko. MAS madaming nararamdaman. MAS madaming inaalala. So wala akong karapatan magsabi. Ang hirap ng hindi napapakinggan.

Ayoko mag-rant dito, dahil gusto ko sana, positive lang. Pero ang hirap din hindi magsabi ng nasa loob. Baka masiraan na ko. Yung anxiety attack ko nga, di ko alam kung pano tuluyang mawala eh. Ba't nga kaya ang tao, di nawawalan ng problema. Sabi nila, pag wala ka ng problema, ibig sabihin patay ka na. Di ba pwedeng maging masaya ka lang? Yung walang iniisip at walang inaalala? Kahit sandali lang.

Magulo isip ko ngayon. May mga dapat akong gawin right after ng trabaho ko ngayong umaga. Gusto ko pumunta kasi in reality, kailangan. Pero ayaw ko, dahil gusto ko lang maintindihan ng iba na importante din naman ako at maappreciate naman ang ginagawa ko. Mahirap ba yun?

Enough of this. At least dito man lang, nailabas ko. Hindi ko man i-publish, naisulat ko pa din.

Today's weather

2016-07-03T03:30:00.001-07:00

It’s raining hard today.

Outside and inside.

This day didn’t start out right. I was hoping to go to church and then a situation came. J is having a really bad tummy ache and LBM. Deep inside I was blaming him for the sundae and part spaghetti he ate last night, and for all those days that I told him to take meds and he wouldn’t. We were part of something big in church, that the pastor was relying on us. I feel we have disappointed him and the viewers of the page’s Facebook Live.

This was the start.

Then I started feeling lazy. And started feeling anxious about the needs of my children. The eldest’s COCC unif that he needs on Tuesday, which apparently I don’t have the budget on. The second kid’s ‘Do This’ on his school books, which I only found today after asking for a quick cleanup of his bag. The youngest’s missing eraser and color pens. I started to break down a bit. Then the husband made his way into my conversations with the kids and asked me to not give him the high pitched tone. A few minutes before this, I asked him not to budge in on the convos and scolding I was having with the kids. He did anyway. I was really pissed that he had asked me to tone down in front of the kids whom I was scolding. I felt betrayed. I felt that he didn’t respect my disciplining.

I told everyone that I won’t do or say anything anymore and went up to the room. It was all JUST them.

I still feel bad. We are having some bad times, with the hubby ending a contract with his only client, and this same client refuses to send his last pay check. My budget was on the negative. As for me, I was still struggling with falling asleep during workdays, that I count these as my breaks. I have too much during the day that I can’t have a full 6-8hours of sleep. I only get an average of 2-3 hours plus in increments of 15minutes. Good days meant I was able to sleep those 2-3 hours through without any disruption (yelling kids, construction sounds, etc)

This is one of those low days. I may also just be PMS-ing.

Weird schedule - work and life!

2016-06-16T20:33:00.001-07:00

What has been happening in my life lately?

Well, the fact that school has officially started for my kids this week, this is one busy mommy. We, the husband and I, have been juggling our daily routine between our house, which now serves as our 'office' and here at my mom-in-law's house. About less than a month ago, the hubby asked me if it was okay for us to transfer since his mom has been feeling ill lately. I knew it was coming - the question. So I was kinda half expectant and I knew what my answer was. It was a YES, of course. I have vowed to myself lately (since an untoward incident -which I'll post about when I'm ready) that I'll be as supportive as I can with my husband's affairs and whatnots.

My only issues were -- our dogs, our plants, the house and its maintenance, and the mails we get. Quite a few, I should say.

So now, after almost a month, the sleep is quite a struggle. Here's how the schedule goes :

Dinner time - we need to finish up dinner by 7:30ish so we can go home at 8PM, just in time for my 9PM shift (we still clean a little, feed the dogs and do other stuff that needs done inside our abandoned house).
Work - 9PM to 6AM but sometimes extends to as late at 8AM. Then we go to my MIL's house.
As soon as we arrive at MIL's, we check on the kids' needs before they get fetched by their school service. Then we do housechores, take breakfast, run errands (if there's any). I personally usually have about 2-3hours of decent sleep.

I feel that this is taking a toll on my health. It's only by God's grace that I'm able to survive without headaches/migraine for the past few weeks.

As for weekends, which should've been our rest days - these are spent cleaning and maintaining 2 households (no yaya!) and running weekend errands. Sometimes, the weekend schedule schedule even includes out-of-town trips to my grandparents' place, going to my mom's or aunt's, helping out in my MIL's businesses.

I honestly don't know for how long our bodies are able to take this but I'm hoping that some form of rest can be given for the hubby and I. I miss our dates too. I miss the spa-nights. I miss going to movies. I miss bumming out.

Beauty Review : Marshmallows Nail and Body Spa

2016-01-11T18:03:00.000-08:00

It has been quite some time since the hubby and I saw their salon near our place. We wanted to try out their body massage but was contemplating on whether they're good or just good enough. We have been going to Baan Khun Thai since last year and liked how they can accommodate us even when its late night. Marshmallows, however, is very near our place and we can go via a short commute.

Last Thursday, I inquired about their services and rates, seeing that they seem to be an all-stop shop spa-wise. The owner answered but gave a wrong message, so I had to wait. The next day, I messaged again for follow-up. I received photos of their rates and packages. Ended up reserving for the night for a couple of their services :

Gel removal at 200php (each, hand and foot) - got a discount, paid for hand only

Gel Mani-Pedi with Footspa at 750php (not bad at all)

Eyelash Extension (Human hair) at 650php -- quite pricey considering the factors (see below)

Swedish Massage 1.5hours for 350php (each, for hubby and I) - which we cancelled at the last minute

So, I went there at 6:30PM as per our scheduled appointment. By the way, Moneth, the owner, was accommodating. Although I wish they had a published mobile number on their Facebook page. All I had was FB Messenger and a landline. As soon as I went in, I was welcomed by a girl named Jhen (according to her name plate). She assigned me a nail tech, who will do my mani-pedi, but she did my gel removal (a really bad gel mani-pedi from Let's Face It Fairview Terraces).

During that time, the girls talked among themselves and with another client, who was really loud by the way. They respected my need for peace during my spa times. Little chit-chat here and there, but that was all.

My mani-pedi went well. Mae, my technician, did well getting all the dry skin out without much pain and blood, unlike some others. And the gel application was great!

Now, on to the eyelash extensions. After my mani-pedi, the same technician, prepared a room where the extensions service will be done. I asked if I can see the lashes first (to see if they're human hair -- the synthetic ones tend to be really itchy and painful when they start to fall off). They seem okay and asked if she can put the 10mm ones in the middle and 8mm on the sides, to make them seem natural.

As soon as we started, the sting of the adhesive was really strong. I was tearing up the WHOLE time. And it wasn't that long! On my previous lash salons, I could almost doze off. This time, I can't, because of 2 things : 1. Stingy adhesive that made me cry, and 2. It was really quick.

When Mae asked me to check the lashes in the mirror, I wanted to say it was too thin still (but length was okay) BUT my crying eyes was screaming STOP! So I had to flee. They gave me a free coffee (or tea, if you're a tea person) after.

This was taken the night it was done.

Taken today. Needs a retouch huh?

So my overall rating? 7 out of 10

WARNING : Rants of a Depressed Diabetic

2015-06-10T20:47:00.000-07:00

Today isn't a good day. I'm noticing that the past days hasn't been either. I'm not sure if it's because its the time of the month or the fact that I have been feeling lethargic and I have all sorts of infection coming in at the same time.

Yes, I am diabetic. And I haven't checked myself for the longest time, feeling that I have been cured. Maybe I was. This is only a relapse because I've been drowning myself in sweets everytime I feel stressed, burnt out, sad, or even when I am happy.

Last night, I pushed myself to buy another glucometer kit from a generic pharmacy. I didn't want to get the fancy brands since I still lose them somehow. I've had about 4 or 5 in the past, all branded, and now non-existent. I checked myself immediately as soon as we arrived home (hubby drove me). It was more than an hour after we had dinner anyway. 'Lo and behold, the count was 326mg/dl. For those who do not understand, the normal blood sugar count should be 90-120mg/dl. So I was way up high on that chart. This made me feel depressed all the more. I got sad that I've been working my ass off, so we can make ends meet and buy stuff that we need. The only reward I give myself are :

1. Mani and pedi from Beauty and Butter
2. Eyelash extensions from Lavish Lashes
3. check out new restaurants and their bestsellers
4. Watch a movie
5. Swedish massage with hot pads and herbal pillows from Baan Kuhn Thai

And ALL, and I mean ALL of these, I am unable to do now. Why? Well, for starters, I can't do my mani-pedi since I have a really bad big toe infection. Which I think started from my last pedi and it bled and I mistakenly washed it when I got home.. or a ingrown toenail. Not sure. It sure looks bad now as my big toe seems dying.

Then my lashes.. I was enjoying the extensions since it definitely gave my eyes the definition it needs and I didn't have to worry about putting product on when we're late for something. I just take my lip stain and voila', a just-woke-up fresh look. The eyelash salon where I go to, advised me to rest my lashes for about a month so they'd have time to grow back again, as they're balding from the 'very' regular visits. Now I have to put effort in everytime I go out. Which is not really ideal for me. Else I'd go out with my bare face.

As for the restaurants, the fact that I have no more time (thanks to my job and household duties), and this relapsing diabetes thing, I don't have that freedom anymore. Same goes for watching movies and having a massage. I can't watch movies as its already school season, so the kids need our 'undivided' attention during the week days. Then a massage is out of the question of course! Unless its the weekend and we have nothing to do and we really need a stress relief.

...

Enough said.
I need some quiet time.

Changes and GlutaFIT

2015-05-14T19:37:00.001-07:00

A few months ago, after I made a career change, I also started to take care of myself more. I was looking in the mirror and kept thinking, 'I know I could look a lot younger if only I made time and spent a little for myself'. So that's exactly what I did. I started with buying makeup and facial masks, usually from Korean stores as they are more compatible with the look I want to achieve. Then I had lash extensions and regular nail salon visits. I also started to think on how to keep my skin looking fresh and moisturized but not too oily, which was the hardest for me since I have combination skin -- part oily, part dry AND it depends on the weather. A small chunk of me also wanted to be fit, as I was feeling the heaviness of it all.

I remembered that I saw a post on Facebook one time that there's a supplement that has both anti-aging and slimming effects, PLUS it can whiten the skin too! Yay me! The name? GlutaFit.

JC Premier's GlutaFit

I searched for suppliers on the internet, and found a friendly one. I wanted to try it ASAP so I asked if we could meet up instead of having it shipped. Luckily, she lived a few minutes away from me. I initially just wanted to buy 1 bottle so I can try first, but the price becomes significantly low if I buy 2 or more. So I went with it and also bought the Omni Soap.

After some exchanges on Viber, I was so convinced to resell the products and I asked how. I also wanted to make sure that the product does live up to what they advertise. After about a week and a half, the hubby and I (yes, he takes them too) noticed visible changes in our skin and our bodies. Shirts and jeans fit better and people also took notice of our lightened complexions.

So here's my shameless plug : Buy JC Premiere Products HERE

We have ongoing promos and Starter Kits ;)

Raising an adolescent

2015-03-28T18:51:00.000-07:00

This is now becoming real. A few months back, I would've told you that my eldest is still a baby. It's hard to let go especially for a mom who's had that firstborn when she just got out of being a child herself. It's like a treasured gift. Something you don't let go even when you grow up. But all good things have an end, as the song says.

December 2007

He has officially reached that gap between adulthood and childhood. That awkward phase that I almost didn't want to remember except for the fun times I had on those years. Going down memory lane now, I have had ~~more than~~ a fare share of silliness during these awesome-awful years. Now my first child is going through the same. I believe he's just had his first heart break. I don't mean to pry (his dad actually did), but came Valentines and end-of-school-year, he asked for presents for a certain someone. His dad told me, let be, he's a growing boy. And this may be better than having thoughts that he may be effeminate. I agreed.

Then it happened, his heart broke. For a simple comment to a picture of his gifts, his heart broke. But what came next, broke mine. This is the first time I've seen him so angry in words, and so full of hatred for someone else. What I read from posts that were screen shot (thanks to my chismoso hubby harhar), I did not expect. It saddened me. It made me feel a whole lot of guilt. Questions like, How come I did not see this coming?, Is this the same child I brought into the world and spent 12 years raising?, Was I bad that we mentioned what was in that comment?, Was I bad that I gave in to his requests on those gifts?, has been going in and out of my mind since I read those posts last night.

I am a lost mom today.

Praying for strength and for wisdom, to raise better children.

My Lavish Lashes Fairview Terraces Experience

2015-03-20T16:01:00.001-07:00

If you have followed my life based on my blogs and FB posts, you'd definitely know that I'm a WAHM. A WAHM with 3-4 jobs all at once, who sleeps 3-4 hours on good days, and has a social life of zilch.

Now, making myself pretty is not something usual. I'm not your "maarte" girl who only has shopping lists for herself. I have 3 kids to feed and a (aherrmm, not-so-tidy) house to maintain. It's not an easy life.

But a few weeks ago (3, I think), I decided to go ahead and have my lashes prettified. My eldest and I were about to do a "special number" (is what they call it) in church that weekend. I wasn't about to put myself in front of these people without at least creating a good look to the name. Now that I think about it, it may be a fall-back in case I didn't do well with my singing. Lolz.

Days before the event, I was frantic on finding a good eyelash salon that's near me. I used to go to iLash in Megamall, but a 2-hour car ride slash traffic just won't do it. Scouted the mall, and there I found Lavish Lashes. I asked questions first before I had my lashes done. Was it natural hair? No, it was silk. I just didn't want a fake, almost like plastic hair since I've had some bad experiences in other salons that didn't exactly specialize in eyelash extension but were offering it as a service. So I agreed to get a Glamour extension. I would've opted for a more dramatic look but the shop manager said that since my last extension was years ago, it may be best to sign up for the middle length and thickness.

Here is a pic of my lashes after :

I actually loved it. Except for the fact that I lost an earring (not too sure if it was inside the shop or elsewhere), which I noticed while taking this picture.

Days went by, and I knew that after 2 weeks I need to get it re-done or touched up since some of the lashes had fallen already. And it was kind of itchy and a bit painful if the lashes went inside my eyes. So on the 2nd week, which was yesterday, I went and asked for a full touch up. They asked if I wanted the same length (Oh yeah, that was one good service I noticed, is that they asked for what length and thickness you would like.. I think they also measured my natural lashes for comparison). And I said yes. So I was there lying on their couch for a good 45minutes to an hour (thank you hubby for patiently waiting). I didn't really like the ambiance of Lavish Lashes in Fairview Terraces by the way. They didn't have a sound system that played relaxing music, rather it was from playlists on Youtube that well, should I say, sounds really cheap? Plus, the fact that the attendant did NOT wear a face mask this time, I can feel and smell her breathing! Another thumbs down factor, is that they kept on talking about personal lives, and it wasn't in a low tone. If one of my purpose is to get prettified and be relaxed, it would've defeated that. Also, I felt that a drop of adhesive went into my skin. The attendant was silently trying to take it out, but since she knows it hurts, she stopped on her 3rd try. She didn't mention anything. Anyway, I have more to say, but this post is not about THAT rant.

Finally, it was time for the lash reveal.

I got disappointed. See the pic why. Let me know if you noticed.

This picture does not do justice to what I wanted you to see. This lash version is thinner and shorter. Whenever I look in the mirror, I don't get that satisfaction just as I did on the first one. I asked the attendant if this was the same, and she said yes. She even said that it may look THICKER this time since she just added lashes to the ones that were left from the last time! Thicker?! Really? I feel like I've just used 1 coat of mascara on this one.

I feel cheated.

It's exactly the reason why I wrote this.

Sigh. Bring me to iLash NOW!

Contemplating on whether to go back and have them re-do, or just suck it up and wait for the next 2-3 weeks. Knowing myself, I would opt for the latter.

Comfort and prayers

2015-01-30T13:25:00.001-08:00

It's another season of trials and waiting.

I feel that I am most inspired to write when my emotions are in a rollercoaster, or my situation is either at a plateau or low. Recently, it is that way.

I am overwhelmed with a situation. I have 2, actually. One concerns my mom. I feel half guilty that I am not always there for her and in this time of trial, she chose not to tell me. Its either she knows I am that busy, or I let her feel I am THAT busy. I have had time for others' problems, and now I feel sick that I am not the first person she goes to for these. I don't blame her. I am at fault.

You see, my mom is not young, or getting any younger. She's in her prime years. And after all these time, I feel that I haven't been there for her as much as I would want to and should have been. I wasn't a touchy-feely when I was a young girl, then I married young. All throughout the years I have been married, most of the time, I may have just disappointed her. She has seen me fail over and over, and yet continued to love me. She is my mother after all. I haven't been with her on days that I celebrate or days that I am extremely happy. I feel guilty. As I type this, I know I am surrendering this to God, and asking for forgiveness. I also pray that He gives me the strength to comfort my mom now and tell her of God's goodness in her life. I pray for the courage to start. I pray that I won't condemn myself for the things I have been and not. My mom needs me. And I honestly don't know how to act on it.

I pray that God Himself embraces her. I have prayed over and over that He call upon her, like He did me. I hold on to the promise that He will save my household, and everyone that I love. It just takes time. And I need to wait.

In this season of waiting, I pray that I will come out stronger and have better testimonies of God's great faithfulness and love.

The lyrics from Kari Jobe's song Love Came Down, greatly express what I feel now :

If my heart is overwhelmed
And I cannot hear Your voice
I hold on to what is true
Though I cannot see

If the storms of life they come
And the road ahead gets steep
I will lift these hands in faith
I will believe

3 Day Stress-ings and Blessings

2014-12-14T06:29:00.000-08:00

Time to recap the days that were.

Friday.
It wasn't a good day. I was starting to worry about things that concerned finances. Why you may ask, since it's only 2 days after payday? Well, simply because Ive only had one of my (two) clients pay me (actually, it was a day after). If you must know, as a mom who takes care of the household budget, our finances are scheduled and carefully allotted on our daily needs, bills and even our recreational activities. For this payday, even before the actual day came, I had counted every single peso would go somewhere. So yes, it was quite a stressful day for me.
One more thing about me : I reboot my system and purge when things start to get taxing. So that Friday night, I told the hubby I was craving for a Mint Chocolate ice cream from Caramia (yes, I soooo love Mint Chocolate ice cream!!!). And he had this idea that all of us would watch a movie. Exodus (movie review will follow). So yeah, of course I would want that. If he had suggested just about anything that would make me leave the house (working almost 20hours a day is no joke, I tell ya!), I would've gladly said yes.
Things didn't exactly end so happy that day, but I got one wish, which was to go out. And then some :)

Saturday.
I didn't go to work the night before so I had a good rest for the day's activies. Day out at S&R with the fam.
My mother-in-law asked us to accompany her and do some shopping for our monthly and Christmas supplies. I gladly obliged since it has been more than a year since I last went. Original plans were to go their BGC branch, which the hubby would have a hard time finding, since I am his GPS, if I didn't go.
There was a debate as to what S&R branch we'd go to when we boarded my hubby's uncle's new Trailblazer. As soon as we reached the highway, it was no contest that we'd go to the nearest one since traffic was piling up and it looked as if we had no choice. S&R experience post will also soon follow. All I can say is that, this was a day full of blessings. The only money I had to shell out was my renewal fee.

Sunday.
Day for the Lord.
We had to go to the mall first to have lunch (Church starts at 3PM), buy candies for the kids' Christmas party, and a cake for the birthday girl, Alyssa, my cousin-in-love.
By this time, I was definitely stressing out about my pay from my other client. I haven't received it, and the email I sent Saturday morning was only answered a day after, saying that it is top priority, but didn't have a set time or day when it will be sent. I have stuff to pay and bills are piling up. I know we have some other things we need to spend what's left of our money on. And my loan for my Macbook would need to be paid too. Ack, stress!

I am hoping for a better day tomorrow. Our househelp (she used to work for me and will work again for us now) will arrive tomorrow (hopefully), looking forward also to a stress-less work day and of course, PRAYING that I will be paid finally by tomorrow.

That was my 3-day recap. You?

Amidst the typhoon Ruby

2014-12-08T01:59:00.000-08:00

As I write this, my family and I are watching and waiting as to what happens when the typhoon Ruby reaches Metro Manila. It's around 5:30PM and its super dark outside. Currently experiencing just some rains and a really cold weather. Yes, winds too. But so far, that's all we have. Still praying that it won't be as destructive as it's predicted to be. Here's what has been posted on Pag-Asa DOST Facebook page :

https://www.facebook.com/PAGASA.DOST.GOV.PH

Here are pictures of the street where we live : (thank you Instagram)

About 2 years ago. The help, baby T and kuya Ju.

On regular days :)

The hubby looking onto the foggy distance

As you can see, we live on a really high area. If I can only show you what that foggy distance looks like. You'll see the mountains of Bulacan and Rizal. So we are flood free, but definitely not free from flying roofs and trees.

Still thankful that even during storms like these, I feel (my family does too) very tranquil and serene. I know that it's because we prayed for it and God knows me too much to let me worry, that he has sent his Spirit of Peace in this household. Thank You Jesus.

This morning, I sent this bible verse to my Mom-in-law and Tita-in-law :

https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Luke%208:24

This is something so powerful from the Bible especially during these times. We are reminded not to worry about things that we can't handle. Surrender them all to God. And He will take care of everything.

So I end this post by saying.. Stay safe and dry. Pray. Be at peace.

God bless us all!

2 jobs and an expired license

2014-11-27T16:03:00.000-08:00

Yup, it's a tough world. So having 2 jobs, for now, is but the most sensible thing I can do. While the hubby waits for a more stable gig, I do these. Oh please don't get me wrong. The hubby plays an important role in all of these. If you've read previous posts, I may have mentioned that we are yaya-less, so in other words, all the tedious and stressful work in our household, including taking care of the kids, are all done by my beloved hubby.

I won't lie and tell you that it has been a bed of roses for us. We've had our ups and our downs. Usually brought about by the stresses of our "jobs". But I would rather prefer this lifestyle, where we have our own money to spend, at whatever things we want, especially if we want to go places together. I can smell freedom here.. in a way.

I am still learning the trick of the trade, having 2 full time jobs and a few hours for sleep. And while I'm at it, I have noticed a big change in me, both professionally and mentally. I have learned these things :

1. Be patient - I have been working at home for many years now, and most of the time, when I feel that I am too stressed and that its not even worth my while, I do the easiest way out. I quit. Now I feel that I've come to a point that quitting is not part of my top 3 solutions for when things get bad or worse.

2. Be resourceful - When you have a limited source of funds or stuff you need for work, you must be resourceful. And its not always easy. Sometimes you have to ask.. yes, ask! Asking has been one of my peeves. I really don't like to ask, especially if I feel that it would cause discomfort (somehow) to the one I'm asking. These days I realize, its not a bad thing to ask. If they say no, then okay. Just don't expect. Not everything you want, can and would happen.

3. Be forgiving - Yes, you need to forgive. Whatever wrong that has been done to you, big or small, you have to always forgive. Just like how Jesus did and commanded. As I've said previously, things don't always go your way. And sometimes, other people cause this. They may or may not know that they did/do. Still, forgive.

4. Better things are coming - Yes, I believe this. It's not always raining. It won't. There will always be sunshine at the end of each storm. I know I have weathered a lot, but better and bigger things are coming my way! And for this, I am forever grateful to God.

In light of all these, its really about being thankful. Always.

My DL renewal dilemma

2014-11-22T18:51:00.001-08:00

Today was not what I expected. Long story. Deserves a separate post.

I was looking into renewing my Driver's License today, since weekends are my only free days. And this is what I find :

List of government agencies and their schedules in Robinson's Novaliches

So there goes my license!

:) I hope this info would help any of my readers out there!

JuiceLuv PH : The Most Affordable Juice Detox in the Metro

2014-09-30T19:31:00.000-07:00

The husband and I put up a small juicing-slash-detox business. It's been up for a few months now and have a considerable following even though there's not much marketing and yes, capital for ads. Now, I'm writing it here just for a quick info on what it is exactly that the company does.

We are called JuiceLuv PH. We started sometime around July of 2014 and have had several extensive research and brainstorming done for all the aspects of the biz. So what exactly is our company? We provide RAW, healthy, fresh, natural juiced fruits and vegetables nicely bottled up for a detox program. We offer The Most Affordable Juice Cleanse in the Metro. By most affordable, we mean to say that our prices are fairly low compared to others out there. And no, our produce aren't cheap. We get our fruits and vegetables straight from suppliers who provide us with freshly picked crops.

Where did our name come from? We had a small SouthBeachDiet meal delivery company a few years ago, named FoodLuv. We decided to somehow get it from there since our last names (my maiden last name and our last names now) both have "Amor" or Love/Luv in it. So there! Yes, yes, kinda cheesy, I know.

What programs do we have? Currently, we are offering the following (prices included*):
1Day Detox - 1,200php
2Day Detox - 2,200php (October promo says its just 2,000php for the whole month this 2014)
3Day Detox - 3,200php (promo says its only 3,000php for the whole month this 2014)

What are included?
1Day - 6 bottles of 350ml juices, 1 free thermal bag, 1 instruction sheet (and for this month, 1 FREE SALAD)
2Day - 12 bottles of 350ml juices, 1 free thermal bag, 1 instruction sheet (and for this month, 2 FREE SALADS)
3Day - 18 bottles of 350ml juices, 1 free thermal bag, 1 instruction sheet (and for this month, 3 FREE SALADS)

For more details on our products and promos, and YES for orders too, please message us at
0977-210-7000

Thank you for reading! Have a healthy, blessed day! Hugs, Luvs!

Now is...

2014-09-24T07:45:00.000-07:00

Today is one of those days AGAIN that I'm feeling so frustrated about how things are going for both our businesses and our family. It's not going the way I've been expecting it to be. And there are things that I've delegated to people, expecting them to finish it at a particular time, only to find out that it hasn't been even started. I know I need some quiet time. But when you're at the stage that you're building a business and building a career for your future, time is just not enough and you have no luxury to even rest. I am overwhelmed by work and house chores. It has been a few days, and yet I feel so burned out. Its probably my lack of sleep or the changes in my timezone. Is it possible to have a jetlag when you haven't even gone out of the country? I wonder.

I need rest.

I know I need some time out. As I write this, I'm imagining myself at a park, with lots of trees and plants and fresh air, doing nothing. Probably some meditating, reading the Scripture, having my one-on-one talk with God. How I would love to do just that.

I have a few projects up my sleeve now, one major is for my Manila Assistants business. I'm also waiting for another full time work by a property management client. If everything pulls through, I will be so busy, I may not even have time to blog. I'm procrastinating right now.

The hubby is feeling what I'm feeling too. So sad.

This too shall pass.

I declare it, in Jesus' name.

Waiting time

2014-09-20T07:46:00.001-07:00

Today's one of those days when I feel so down for so many different reasons. Or it's probably just the hormones acting up. I don't exactly know.

The hubby is today's victim, sadly. As with any other time that I've acted the same way, it's almost always the husband who takes the punch. I'm assuming its because my recent issues have somehow been connected with what happened with us last year. All's been well for many months now, and I've seen how the hubby tries his best to win me over...and over...and over. It's the little reminders that gets to me though. Bits and pieces of anything that would let me remember how it was during that time. What I felt, and how he must've felt. It still makes me cry thinking about it.

It was a roller coaster of emotions, what happened to me. And I can feel remnants of it until now.

Recently, I've been trying to revive an old job, my being a VA. Taking it all in, training myself through videos, ebooks, just about anything. I want to keep myself busy. If that's what it takes to make me forget.

This is my "idle season". And until things get busy again, I would want to wait patiently. I want to spend my days with worship and scripture.

1 Samuel 13:8-14

He waited seven days, the time set by Samuel; but Samuel did not come to Gilgal, and Saul's men began to scatter. So he said, "Bring me the burnt offering and the fellowship offerings. " And Saul offered up the burnt offering. Just as he finished making the offering, Samuel arrived, and Saul went out to greet him. "What have you done?" asked Samuel. Saul replied, "When I saw that the men were scattering, and that you did not come at the set time, and that the Philistines were assembling at Micmash, I thought, 'Now the Philistines will come down against me at Gilgal, and I have not sought the LORD's favor.' So I felt compelled to offer the burnt offering." "You acted foolishly," Samuel said. "You have not kept the command the LORD your God gave you; if you had, he would have established your kingdom over Israel for all time. But now your kingdom will not endure; the LORD has sought out a man after his own heart and appointed him leader of his people, because you have not kept the LORD's command."

I pray Lord that I will have more patience. Patience to wait for Your promises. Help me to always remember that Your Word is always constant and will never change. Thank You for Your blessings. In Jesus' mighty name. Amen.

679667c9b26e5975d3c871d52a0a79746ca74a37dc4aeff406

Overwhelmed and anxious

2014-09-17T05:36:00.001-07:00

Overwhelmed

- bury or drown beneath a huge mass

Anxious

- experiencing worry, unease, or nervousness, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome

These are 2 words which I definitely have been feeling the past months. Mostly, because of how the hubby and I can provide for our family. Yes, we are blessed and we have enough. We eat 3-5 (or maybe even 6!) times a day. We have enough to come to church every Sunday, and sometimes even have enough to have lunch out. So what exactly am I bugged about? Well, here's my list:

Our mountain pile of bills, all named after ME!

Our 3 kids' future (school, needs, etc.)

Our travel plans (and date plans for hubby and I

No, I don't ask for much. And sometimes I even say, I don't want much. Why? Because I feel that I am not responsible enough for bigger things. I want to be, don't think otherwise, but I want to prepare myself before I am given much. (In the past, I feel that when I am given small or big things, I can honestly say, I have not been faithful to see it all through for what they are given for. So when that day comes that I am able to handle money and resources well, then I will definitely ask for more from Him, who is my ultimate source.

The hubby and I recently started a small business (JuiceLuvPH), and when at first it seemed all promising, the past weeks have not been kind to us. So we're back to square one. I don't want to feel too depressed since as I have said, we are not THAT unfortunate. When I really think about it, I am still TOO BLESSED to be stressed (Yes, yes, I intended to write that).

So what now? An opportunity knocks at our door. Another VA stint (in case you didn't know, I was a VA.. for about 8 years) that would need my nights. It's not much, won't pay much, but it may as well ease my anxiety and that feeling of being overwhelmed. It would definitely pay some of the bills and we may save up for a bit of the kids' future. Most of all, I can now be faithful to my tithing again.

I'm also still looking for other opportunities, small ones, so I can pass it on to my freelance "partner". I've recently activated my sleeping Fiverr account for those small stints.

I have so many ideas, that I want to pursue and accomplish. That's how this mind works. If I can only jot them down every time, I know I have that eureka moment or moments!

Amidst all the anxiety and overwhelmed-ness, here are some bible verses that may as well help me and YOU dear reader, whatever your situation is, or wherever you may be :

Matthew 6:25-34

"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? "And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Luke 12:24-34

Consider the ravens: They do not sow or reap, they have no storeroom or barn; yet God feeds them. And how much more valuable you are than birds! Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life ? Since you cannot do this very little thing, why do you worry about the rest? "Consider how the lilies grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you, not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today, and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, how much more will he clothe you, O you of little faith! And do not set your heart on what you will eat or drink; do not worry about it. For the pagan world runs after all such things, and your Father knows that you need them. But seek his kingdom, and these things will be given to you as well. "Do not be afraid, little flock, for your Father has been pleased to give you the kingdom. Sell your possessions and give to the poor. Provide purses for yourselves that will not wear out, a treasure in heaven that will not be exhausted, where no thief comes near and no moth destroys. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

Matthew 11:28-30

"Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light."

and this...

Luke 12:48 But the one who does not know and does things deserving punishment will be beaten with few blows. From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked.

I hope this post helped anyone, whether it may be spiritual, emotional or even just for entertainment.

God bless you! Jesus loves you!

Remembering and praying

2014-04-21T19:20:00.001-07:00

Currently reading Chicken Soup for the Couples' Soul, and yes I remembered what my husband and I have gone through for the past 13 years. We had painful memories, that only God can heal, but we had so much love for each other that it was evident in our whole relationship, that serving each other was one of our priorities. Whether it may be a big, bold act or a teeny tiny one that only true love can notice.

I miss the hubby. He's out for an employment requirement. This morning, I told him to pray for things like these. For decisions, especially big ones, we he has to make. As this will definitely affect, good or bad, our life, both ours and and our family. I have asked God for guidance, but ultimately, its His will we ought to follow.

Road to Happiness Part One

2013-09-12T07:01:00.002-07:00

Dear you,

The past months hasn't been easy. It still isn't. But I cling on to the promise of a better future. I have high hopes now. And though I am unwell, I fight fiercely, all for my love for you. Truly sorry that if I sometimes feel I need to know answers. You have kept me hanging. The one thing I so dearly held onto, you took it away. I want to get it back; the confidence of your love for me. Most people think, even you, that this is self pity. Maybe so. But it's not all. This goes far deeper than I wanted it, and imagined it to be. I get nightmares that I wouldn't want to sleep at all. I cry during the day, that I push myself to the limit, so as not to think too much. I am lost. Lost in an abyss of emotions.

How I wish we could talk. How I wish we could sort things out. How I wish it won't be too late. How I wish we won't have regrets. Please don't push me away.

My old self would've just agreed with you when you wanted out. But I'm not the old me anymore. I would've prayed just for myself, but now I'm praying for what's best for both of us.

Take me out of this rut. I beg you.

I need you. With me. Please don't push me away.
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Now thinking a bit clearer, I realize I can't control you. I can't control how you feel, how you act, what you say and what you do. I can only hope. I can only pray. I wish I knew things. I wish I had answers. But I have to let go. I have to. For my sanity. For you.

I miss my old self. I miss the smiles. I miss how I used to be that girl who had hopes, dreams and sure of herself and her bright future. I don't see her in the mirror anymore. I keep looking but I can't see her. I don't recognize that wrinkled woman I see in my reflection.

I need to heal.

I need you, but I need to heal.

I love you,
Me

Day with Mommy

2013-08-09T17:23:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was fun. My mom, lola and tita came over to visit. (Yay!) And after WEEKS of hardcore stress, I have finally had my "day-off" yesterday (I am doing the laundry while I write this, literally!) when my mom and I went to the mall, to just, you know, go around and shop and window-shop. It was a simple outing, yet a meaningful sharing of thoughts, ideas and experiences between me and my mom. Overall, the feeling was refreshing and to a point, invigorating. Thank you Mom for the time you spent with me yesterday. Needed that.

Food + Shopping + Mom = PERFECT DAY-OFF

Job. Quit. Job.

2013-03-14T02:00:00.000-07:00

Last week was pretty challenging for me. I almost quit. My job, that is.

It has been an ongoing battle for me. I have a very moody boss, who, if I choose to understand, is the way he is because of his responsibilities. It should not be the case, but that's the way it is. It was a fight or flight.

There was one instance where he was giving me feedback and using such harsh words. No, he didn't use curse words but he might as well have. I was working very hard. Even after hours (which I realize now that I shouldn't be doing - another post on work ethics and personal space). But after I heard his feedback, it was like all my work went down the drain. I was frustrated, disappointed and disheartened. Then finally I decided. I messaged my boss and told him that I'd quit. Thanking him for the opportunity yada yada yada. All these, while crying.

First he said okay, then probably changed his mind and said that he still encourages me to stay. In a way, he apologized. And gave me time to think.

I thought about it and weighed my options. I had other available work waiting for me, but you see, its very hard for me to "move on" when I've finally made my way through a job. So after all the debate with myself, I chose to stay. I'm still hoping that this is the better choice.

Praying, by the way, is a constant during these times. This is my ultimate shield. Against everything else, including myself. Thank You God!

I'm a blogger, yeah!

2012-10-01T06:27:00.000-07:00

And because I'd like to join something, here goes..

A diesel attends into the vintage.

- THE END -