Open Letter

Dear Robot

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 19 Mar 2018 00:42:00 +0000

Next month will be two years since I left you. Two years since that day I
called you and told you that I would not be coming back home to you. What a
long two years it has been. I was such a broken person back then.
Everything in my life fell apart after I left you. Everything. The floor
fell out from underneath me and I wondered sometimes if I was going to make
it. It's been a long, arduous ascent to a place that I can consider to be
normalcy.

I'd like to genuinely thank you for showing me who you were when you did.
You shouldn't have waited until after we got married but thank God you
didn't wait until after we'd had children. Thank you for showing me who you
were soon enough for me to get out of it and not make a complete mess of my
life and any other person's who might have come along into our little world
of hell. I'm grateful that you chose to no longer hide it. Well maybe you
just got tired. Four and a half years is a long time to be a hypocrite.

Thank you too, for showing me, for defining for me so acutely, so concisely,
and so precisely what I DO NOT want in a relationship. Ever. Ever again.
Thank you for being the exact opposite of everything I had ever hoped and
dreamed of in a marriage, and in a husband. Thank you too, for never truly
treating me as your wife and never giving me the rightful place I deserved
in your life. For placing me third or fourth on the totem pole of those
things deemed important in your life. I know it sounds like I'm being
sarcastic but honestly I'm not. I learnt so much from being with you. And
after I left you, I realised that I'd been given a second chance at
happiness. And I grabbed it.

I've done a lot of work on myself in these past two years. I've grown in
leaps and bounds and become the person I've always wanted to be. I'm the
most authentic I have ever been. More comfortable in my skin than I have
ever been. I look great. I feel great. And I am happy. Not everything is
perfect in my life. Some things are far from. But I can deal with them.
All in all, life is pretty good.

But the reason I'm really writing you this letter is to thank you for
preparing me for the one that I have now. He is, in short, everything I
have ever wanted and more. He is loving, and kind, and gentle and sweet and
adoring. He worships me and would do anything for me. And I love him. He
makes me a better person. He makes me want to be everything you tried to
force me to be. But with him it is effortless. But more importantly, he
doesn't need me to change a thing about myself. He loves me exactly as I
am. He delights in me. And he's proud of me. He's made it all better.
And for the first time in my life, I understand what it feels like to want
to have children with someone. And to want to grow old with someone. And
to not feel resigned to your future, but excited and full of hope and
optimism. I've met my true soul mate. And I want to thank you. For being
so wrong for me. Because if you hadn't been so wrong for me I might still
be with you. And I'd have missed my true calling. So I'm grateful for
everything you are and everything you did because you see...in the end it
was SO worth it.

Your soon to be Ex-Wife

Dear Christopher

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 19 Mar 2018 00:42:00 +0000

For the past week straight I have dreamt about you. I have also sat straight up in bed, eyes wide, shaking and dry mouthed from them. They are so real and so vivid that it almost makes me panic a little.

You and I always got a kick out of each others dreams, because when we were together, when ever one of us would dream about one, the same night the other also had a dream about one too. It makes me wonder if you have also been dreaming about me too; if you wake up shivering and in alarm too. Do you?

My life has been such a huge ball of empty since the day we broke up. To this very second I can’t even remember that awful day at all. But I remember the good thing; coming to see you, spending weekends at your house, watching cartoons all night, baking cookies, and so many other things. You always had me laughing, sometimes to the point where my stomach would hurt. I would gasp for breaths in between laughs begging to you stop, but instead of stopping you would sweep me right off my feet and cradle me in your arms.

Compared to you, I am so little, hence the reason you called me tiny. But you are gorgeous; tall, at least six foot five. Which is giant compared to me at measly five one. Snowboarding gave you a great body, and your eyes were ice blue and I swear they lit up when you smiled. I felt safest in your arms. I knew you loved me; it is the only thing that I will ever be sure of.

Now here we are, coming close to a year later; you are now 18 and I am 20. I have moved away and you are starting college soon. I missed your birthday, prom, graduation; all the things I swore to you I would be there for. But you missed things for me too. In basic, I felt so alone, you never wrote me and when I called you were too busy to talk to me. You didn’t come to my graduation and you fought with me during my first few weeks of tech school.

I knew it was wrong for me to have asked you to wait for me; I knew all our plans of staying together and getting married would be short lived the second I left your arms the night of January 8th. You were crying and I was hysterical, I was shaking and trembling. I think it is because deep down, I knew, I knew that it would be the very last time you held me and kissed me.

Since you have been out of my life, it has been raining; in my heart, in my mind, in my soul. I would give anything just to see you again, just to hear your voice. Without you in my life, I have felt so empty. You are my best friend, my lover, my smile, my laugh, and you hold my heart; whether you know it or not.

I have come to terms with the fact that, I may never see you or talk to you again. I have been moving on with my life, my career is great and my life is happy. But I know that until the day I take my very last breath, I will regret for as long as I live, that night in March that I let you slip through my fingers.

I love you more than anything, Christopher.

A Note to Self

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 19 Mar 2018 00:41:00 +0000

I've put everything off.
All of my friends are off to college.
And I am at home.
Unemployed---
and Unenrolled.
I hope everything works out.
I am not sorry for my past, but I am now worried for my future.

Dear Lyndsey

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 19 Mar 2018 00:41:00 +0000

You are the best friend I have ever had, and probably will ever have.

Thank you

Dear Little Moon

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 07 Mar 2011 16:25:00 +0000

Soon you will celebrate your fifth birthday. I won't say that it doesn't seem possible because it does. In fact, you sometimes act wise beyond the five years and your wondering questions send a shock through me. Already, you are curious about death, God, love and old age. I don't know how you are handling it, but I am exhausted now just recalling our conversations. I stumble over what to say to you because so much of those things are still a wonder to me. I want to give you solid answers, but I find I am incapable of lying to you. There are a lot of "I don't know"s tossed out there by me and I have to hope it will be enough until I can come up with a way to explain such things. Will that day come?

Speaking of world peace and such, your favorite cartoon is Pink Panther. Yesterday you told me that you wish he could come live with us so that you could teach him some manners and so he wouldn't bother "the white guy" in the show. I love that you have no idea how that sentence sounds. At this point in your life you have no idea what racism or sexism or homophobia is. You picked a Barbie with your Ma Lynn at the store and later pointed out to her that the Barbie was black. Just something you noticed at the later moment during play. This Barbie has on a pink shirt and she's black. You have also mentioned that two of your dolls are in love with each other, that you don't understand slavery (even after I explained it to you) and that daddies really should be allowed to stay at home like mommies. Now if I could just put you in a bubble and keep you this way forever, I could sleep at night.

You truly are a beautiful girl, into much of the typical little girl things like the color pink, princesses and fairies. You are into all the things I was not, which has got to be some sort of karma bouncing back. There are many days that I wish my sister were here so she could squeal in delight with you at the Disney Store. I wish she was telling you that her bedroom was pink and that she loved her Baby Alive Doll. You two would be quite the pair. But until we move closer to my family, I am able to avoid that inevitable awkward conversation when you learn that I used my Barbie Townhouse as shelving for my books.

That's not to say that we don't have the strongest of bonds. In your insecure times, I get you. You say a sentence of angst and I understand it in the core of my chest. You don't like being away from me or your dad at all. Not even for school. I was that kid too. Would rather have stayed at home with my mom any day rather than go to school. Even when I had friends Even if school was fun. However... you have to go. One day you will see that as a simple truth and you will be glad your dad and I make you go.

You are a shy one. Many tears are shed over large family gatherings and school performances. You might never be the first girl to run onto a stage but you will be the girl who appreciates the applause, loves the show and comes back for more. It takes you a while to warm up to anything that involves you being the center of attention. As a self proclaimed backstage worker, I get that too but sometimes it's hard because, as your mom, I am so proud of you, think you are so talented that it's hard for me to not want you right there in front where everyone can experience the marvel that is you.

Speaking of those talents, you are a great singer. You learn the words, you hit the notes and you truly enjoy singing. You also have an uncanny ability to mimic accents and remember movie lines as well as any movie buff I know. I try not to cry like a fool when you sing a song from my youth because you learned it from Shrek. But when you dance around the room to London Calling, I think your father and I both feel like we have done something so very right that tears are appropriate.

Your sense of style is whimsical. You love a glitter here, a ruffle there. Matching colors are irrelevant and comfort is key. I like that about you. I like that you see clothes as fun and have no desire to copy anyone else. I hear that changes, but for now, I enjoy it.

In the last couple of months you have come into your role as sister to your little brother. I nearly had a stroke when I heard you say that he was your best friend. I clearly remember the not so distant past when you told me you didn't like being a big sister because it was too hard. Being the youngest in my family, I felt the need to explain the trials of being the younger sibling, which I think you took to mean "Mommy loves your brother better". Because it was not that long ago that you also asked me why I find him so adorable and not you anymore. That question nearly broke my heart and I wanted to call my mother for the 1000th time and apologize for my teen years. But if I fail you in other ways during this parenting gig, know that it is only because I was so intent on getting that part right. He is your friend. Ignore anyone else who says siblings can't be best friends. You can and you are. It will be the greatest thing in your life to have that true friend. Will he piss you off more than anyone else? Yes. Will he still be there when no one else is? Yes. But he adores you, that little guy. I see him trying out your words, your tricks. His cars talk to your princesses because he just wants to be near you. You sing and he smiles, you make a face and he laughs. Through all your future fights I will remind you of these days when he tells you that you are so pretty and funny and he hugs you because he knows you love him.

Your dad got me a Wii for Christmas. This is funny in itself - the notion that a gaming console is "mine". As if I would be the one using it the most. As with any other game I have played with you, your competitive nature rises up quickly during our bowling and sword fighting. Because of this, our biggest battle has been between your Win Or Flail and Cry attitude and my determination that you will not be a Quitter. It's all I can do to stop myself from quoting Martin Luther King Jr or Henry Ford or ... your grandfather - anything that will drive into your head that failing while trying is totally cool but giving up without giving it your all is... well, a path that leads to living in someone's basement well into your 30's.

Life has been good for you these five years, It's so good that your dad and I often wish were were you. And just when I think you don't get it, you tell me you NEVER want to grow up because you will have to grow old and stop playing like you do now. Today you even cried about it and told me that you want to be five years old, but you want to keep me always with you. I wish I had recorded that because when you start having to change my diapers one day, you might re-think that. But today I reveled in it. I love life through your eyes. And I love you more today than yesterday.

Dear Fiona

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 22 Dec 2009 17:00:00 +0000

I know you cheated on me. And that you still are, probably. I gave up my entire life for you. My friends, my family, my house and my job. I was celibate for two years for you, spent thousands of pounds to travel thousands of miles to be with you. And this is how you repay me. With dishonesty, with lies and deceit. I would have loved you more than life itself. All you've ever done is mess me around and break my heart. I KNOW what you did, I KNOW what you're up to, and I will NEVER EVER forgive you.
I wish we'd never met.

Dear Tiger Woods

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 12 Dec 2009 12:39:00 +0000

That's gonna leave a mark.

- A Concerned Fan

Dear Boy I thought would change for her

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 21 Apr 2009 14:57:00 +0000

It’s been about a year since we stopped dating because you fucked me around so much. A year since I found out you would cheat on me with anyone you could. A year since I realised I could demand better from boys. And since then I’ve found someone that is beautiful to me – who loves me more than anything in the world. And I feel like the luckiest girl in the world.

But I know that you’re cheating on your new Girlfriend. I know because I read your emails. I know your dirty secret. I know that she doesn’t know. Just like I didn’t know. And even though I hated her so much when you first started dating because I wasn’t over you – I now know that that girl is in my position. We are the same person.

I’m going to rat you out. I’m going to tell her what scum you are and how she needs to break free from your cheating ass. She is going to know everything – and I’m determined that this time you won’t get away with it. You can’t be faithful – you will never change.

Isn’t revenge sweet?

The fellow I wrote off

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 18:58:00 +0000

Thank you. You were there with me through it all, every last bit of it. I never thought someone like you was possible, not in a million years. Then we didn't talk, and I met someone. I met the same asshole I always go for to suit my masochistic streak. I met the fellow I KNEW my mother would hate, and adored him for that reason. Every declaration of him "not being good enough," was only further proof in my eyes, that in fact...he was. Then you came back seemingly out of nowhere. I didn't know you had been in an accident, I would have been there for you.
After you came back, when you said you loved me....I was floored. What am I supposed to say to that? I know what I did say though, and I'm sorry. I turned you down, for a fellow I knew would never try a fraction as hard as you did. You tried to help me with that, and that is the most noble thing I could imagine. Then he just, refused to talk to me...and you were there. Not that there were many pieces to pick up, but you did it. Why? Why would anyone in their right mind fall in love with me in the first place? I'm old fashioned, and I refuse to express nearly all emotion. There's no reason for you to even LIKE me. I was fortunate to find out that apparently I cannot be bought. I know you tried that too, but I'm happy I said no. That means that now...I know that I like you, not the money. I could get used to you actually putting in effort. I may even grow accustomed to a bit of attention here and there. I almost wish I could tell you this, almost, but I'll save it for another day.

Your future...something, maybe.

PS...I still think you're liking me is certifiably insane, but what's the worst that can happen giving someone who does care about me a chance?

To All Those People Who Hurt Me In High School

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 03 Apr 2009 18:55:00 +0000

You always hurt my feelings and put me down. Call me names and say there will be no guy who wanted to go out with me. Well guess what you were wrong about me being ugly and no guy who wanted me. I do have a guy who wants me. Who loves me and adores me. Loves everything about me and I am moving in with him in a month. The words and things you done to me will tear me to pieces forever but I will move on by good things happen to me. Thanks for making me stronger against being hurt.

- Me

Dear Life

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 07 Dec 2008 21:28:00 +0000

I really wish you were more like books and movies.
You seem way more exciting there.
Then again maybe if I didn't spend so much time
reading books and watching movies, I wouldn't feel this way.
Hmmm....
- Me

Dear America

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 10 Nov 2008 01:44:00 +0000

Nov. 9, 2008

Watching the news and surfing my usual intarnet stomping grounds it strikes me everyone is at something of at a loss for words. The most massive and expensive political campaign in history, like a T. rex rampaging through a dilapidated trailer park, has finally passed, and like dazed and battered survivors climbing out from under the rubble, standing in the rain unable to think of anything but the awesome and terrifying spectacle they've endured, we are unsure just what we're supposed to be doing.

Both domestically and abroad, this election has garnered unprecedented levels of attention, but the depths of bitterness and intellectual dishonesty reached over the past eighteen months should be seen as just the capstone on a legacy of partisanship and infighting which has been sullying our national discourse since at least the time of Ronald Reagan. Over the past four presidents the debate in our country has reached a breaking point. How many times in the past eight years, conservatives, did you find yourself defending one of President Bush's policies you didn't entirely agree with, simply to balance out the overwhelming negativity poured on him, his party - and by extension yourself - by shrill, uninformed Democrats and our hyperreactionary media? Liberals, I'm sure I'm not the only one who, when faced with the argument well that was something Clinton left behind, found myself red in the face supporting a president I barely recall who was probably more flash than substance. Sound familiar?

If we are to make any progress as a nation - and by "make any progress" I mean prop up the economy, fix the housing debacle, extricate American soldiers from multiple global conflicts in a way which creates the least lasting damage, overhaul our educational system, achieve energy independence and sustainability, lower crime, amend tort law, figure out a way to make sure American kids have food and a way to get to the doctor, prevent the spread of intolerance and dangerous materials worldwide, cement America's position as a world leader in both morals and the market, and find out just what the hell Ann Coulter's issue is and help her get over it - we need, quite frankly, to stop acting like petulant children. There is a reason Americans are regarded in other countries as fat, impolite complainers, and it's not just because we let them see our reality television shows.

We need to cut a deal with each other if we're going to do this. Liberals, join with me in saying we won't poke fun at Sarah Palin* anymore. We'll cut out this "Bush is stupid", "Cheney is evil" nonsense and stick to important issues. We'll stop overreacting to harmless minutiae with media storms which do nothing to further our causes but everything to make us look like cowardly, elitist, aggessively anti-religion Marxists. That's the tit. Conservatives, we're looking for a little tat. Recall that questioning our President isn't anti-American. Consider that exposing people to information is the best way to ensure they make the right choice. And please start fact-checking your pundits; ours are bad and we'll try to fix that, too, but FOX News is beyond the pale. If we can all vow to keep at least this little bargain in place, we'll have laid a true foundation for bridging the gap that divides us. Cooperation on our big issues should be a piece of cake if we can all swallow a bit of our pride.

Regardless of who you supported in this election, we can all agree that the level of energy displayed by Americans during the campaign is a positive force of which we have not seen enough in recent memory. Don't let the national discussion stagnate just because your ears are still ringing from the receding crash and roar of the election. If you're happy your candidate won, don't just gloat on your blog. Do a google for "(your state) volunteer" and pick an issue you think is important. If you're depressed after last week's returns, don't bail on the process. Real political progress always happens locally, and your country still needs all the help you can spare.

Last Tuesday, I saw a change I can believe in. My countrymen got involved. Don't let the news vaccuum steal that momentum.

Sincerely,

-Cicero's Assassin
www.xanga.com/ciceros_assassin

*Honestly, folks, let's lay off her already. The people of Alaska think she's doing fine as their Governor, and unless you live there you have nothing to complain about. Also, for God's sake look up the Peter Principle.

dboi

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 17 Sep 2008 22:09:00 +0000

I'm sick and tired of trying to be your girl. I've just been wasting my time. Everytime I feel like I'm getting close to do something that sets me right back to the beginning again.

I guess I should have tried harder in the beginning but I can't go back now. I'm not gonna fight for someone who's not making an attempt. I can't believe I really thought I was in love with you.

How can anyone love you; all you do is cheat. You're a fxcking cheater.
YEAH BxTCH HE'S FxCKING ME; OH YOU AINT KNOW..?
WELL NOW YOU DO.

But you aint gotta trip cause since I found out he wanna lick ya cat I aint fxcking with him ANYMORE.

UGH! I aint never fell so hard for someone; shoulda never fell for you. Last summer messed me up though. Gosh I knew you was moving but I still let myself get close, if I never did that I would be fine presently. I'm such an idiot.

I don't hate you; but I really don't like you right now.
Maybe after high school ends I'll be able to get over you.

..and the sad thing is; I say I wont fxck with you anymore but we both know that's a lie. I will never leave you alone..I can't. You will be mine, I know this. We was meant to be..you was meant to be with me, not her and you know this.

Love,
Your "Mistress"

Dear boy that broke my heart

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sun, 31 Aug 2008 12:59:00 +0000

You are my one weakness. Others can do or say the same things to me, but it?s your voice and your charm that I can?t escape. Just hearing you say my name can lift me up. I hate that you can do this. I hate that I become mush around you. I protected myself for months from you?re trap, avoiding your glances and attempts to kiss me, but I let my guard down on a drunken night and I finally fell. I fell hard. I knew before that you were the type I should stay away from. You were the bad boy. The one who never gave his heart away, that never showed he cared. I knew if you kissed me once, I?d be done for. Unable to break free. Now here I am, stuck.

It is as if you are perfection in my eyes. I know in my head you?re not. I can list the things I shouldn?t like, the things that make you all wrong. You are a liar, a cheat, a con. You had a girlfriend. That poor girl. I've met her. I try to be nice but it makes me sick to know that you were once mine. If even in a moment, I was your escape from some sweet innocent girl. If it were my choice, my fictional story, I would paint her as some whore, some undeserving slut of a nobel prince, but when I see her, when I talk to her, It becomes the opposite. I am the liar, I am the whore, I cheat and steal from her, from the honest girl who deserves better than you. Than the stupid shit I am chasing after. There is not one thing that I can say makes us right for each other, but that can?t stop the way I feel. My heart is broken, but I can?t even place blame with you because it was never intentional. You never asked me to love you. But you did tell me that you never wanted to be with someone before they got to be with someone who loved them, and here i am. Because you were never mine. You hurt me without even knowing I cared.
Seeing you makes my heart jump and race, but once I realize it was just a fling, a nothing, a non-something between us, it shatters again. I am happy but depressed, I am excited but miserable. You?re presence makes me crazy. I become someone I never wanted to be. I become that girl begging for you to see me in a new light, for you to care that I am there just as much as I care that you are. I hate that girl. With other guys, I can just snap myself out of it, catch myself in what I am doing and become me again, the confident girl with a shielded heart, but I can?t stop it when I am with you. I actually kissed your friend tonight, with you total view. God, this makes me desperate. This makes me needy and sick. I can scream at myself over and over again ? what are you doing, you look pathetic, he loves someone else, you are just friends, don?t you dare let him kiss you ? but these internal warnings mean nothing. It?s like an addiction. I am so good sometimes, I forget you at moments, until someone says something or brings up your name and I am back, craving you. Like some hysterical blindness, I think, maybe if I do this, you will see ? maybe if I act this way, you will care. I look at other girls and think, how sad, but I know how it feels, I know what it is like to be them. You make me them.
I am hysterically blind for you.

- Me

Dear Thomas

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 25 Aug 2008 13:26:00 +0000

Hey kid. I haven't seen you much this summer, but I've talked to you quite a lot. You probably think I'm a tease, but really I just find you intimidating. It's unintentional, you just scare the shit out of me. You have your sketchy friends, who do the same stuff that my friends and I do, but are so much more shady and weird about it all. You're way too into smoking. I mean, whatever, I don't really care if you're a pothead though, I'm getting off topic.

This is kind of a letter to myself. I'm kind of afraid I'll spend this year chasing after you. Going through this weird cycle: 1.) think you're cute 2.) NOT chase after you 3.) you get interested in me, text me a bunch 4.) I'm too hesitant and scared of who you are 5.) you get disinterested and bored 6.) I chase after you, and finally convince myself to stop. Go back to 1 after a bit of time, but it's your turn to make the next move. You always seem to, thank goodness.

That's been my summer in a nutshell. Well, romantically. Only one person really knows about it, but I won't drop her name in this letter. So anyway, this is a little letter to myself, because I know you won't see it. This is a little reminder, a ribbon tied around my finger, an email in my sent items. I either want to dive in head first and figure you out, or move on. No more of this in between-ness from me. I hate when I see you and feel awkward in person and don't know what to do. I don't want that anymore. Okay? I will get this under control. If there's one thing I know about, it's control. I'm good at that.

This year I really want my relationship with you to find some sort of balance. I don't want you as a boyfriend. I just don't want you as my nothing either.

I'll see you in four days. We have at least two classes together this year. You don't know that, but I figured it out, because the limited amount of ways our honors/AP classes fit together. Have a nice rest of the summer!

Sincerely,
Me.

Dear Nancy

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 14 Jul 2008 13:56:00 +0000

If I would have written this a month or even two ago I would have been begging for your friendship back, back to what it used to be. But now I know that your weren't the good friend I thought you were.

You were part of the reason for my depression freshman year; I stuck up for YOU so that you wouldn't get into fights and have people hate you..I had people no I have EVERYONE hate me looking after you. And I did that because I thought that was what a good friend did, when it's really what a stupid friend does. I stuck by you when you dissed me for your boy toys or new friends. I apologized even when it was never my fault for things. GOSH I really was a stupid friend.

Do you know that I used to cry when I looked at pictures of us? Ha, I'm tearing up right now..sad huh. You were supposed to be my best friend but you always ditched me for someone else. I wish I could say I hate you but I don't, I trust you with most of my life..I shouldn't but I do.

Thinking about your friends now, I see why ya'll are so close. You and B are just alike, ditch someone for your boyfriend. You and N ya'll were friends before you even knew me so I can't even be mad. I guess the only one that gets to me is B..she was at one point in time my best friend but then she got crazy and just dropped me and I guess she decided she liked you so she'd be your best friend and you fell for it. All I can say is good luck and I hope she doesn't drop you like she did me. Ya'll are so close now I can't even tell you things because you'll probably tell her then everyone would know.

GOSh, I hope your happy.

Cause I sure as hell aint.

I miss our friendship and I thought I was over that, but I guess not.

Dearest Logan

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 09 Jul 2008 13:02:00 +0000

I have loved you far too long, and far too hard. I remember everything...every last detail. Starting with me asking your stance on crack whores in society, to that last good bye. From you saying you loved me and my running after, to you saying anyone who would possibly consider marriage before 30 was nuts. I loved you, but I'll be damned if I wait 10 years for anyone. That wonderful first year, where I only wanted the chance to crawl in your bed, to the last where I was so glad you hadn't laid a hand on me. I cannot explain why I still think of you, but I do, though I am moving on. I shan't remain that bitchy cynic you love, and I shall be the blissfully happy person someone else loves. While nobody forgets first love, I'm going to try. You knew I wanted to be so perfectly ruined by one man, that all others would seem useless, and I thought you had done that. You haven't...and I am most grateful for that. I'm not going to say I don't miss you, there's days I do, but most you seldom cross my mind. Sometimes I get a smell, and I think it's you, but I know better. Once in awhile I see those sparkling green eyes, but most often I miss the talks. We could talk better than anyone else, and about anything. I suppose I just want to say that I will always love you, but shall never be IN love with you again.

Love,
That girl in those wacky clothes you once loved.

Howard

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 29 May 2008 00:20:00 +0000

The last time I saw you, I was fourteen years old. I walked out those double doors while you held one and Cliff held the other. At the time, you still controlled the things I did, said, felt and thought. I lived your language, where sexual abuse was a mutual pleasure, an induction into the world of adulthood. You ran my life, even when I spent months away from you. You took so much from me; my trust, chances for friendships that I never acted on because no one could know about you, the last years of my father's life were spent with me lying to him and distancing myself from him because you made me fear him. You took from me so many firsts; my first kiss, my first make out sessions, my first time giving oral sex, my first experiences with sexual pleasure from another human being. Those things were not yours to take. They belonged to no one but me and it should have been my choice who I shared them with, but your threats and coercion gave me no choice. The night that you forced me to give you oral sex was rape. The times that you forced your fingers into my vagina and hurt me so badly I bled afterwards were rape. Not pleasure, not sharing, not love or any of the things you said they were. You didn't teach me to be a good lover or a healthy adult, you taught me that sex was pain. That love was pain and that the people who claimed to care about me had the right to abuse me.

It has taken me most of the last four years to heal to the point where I can write this and place the blame where it belongs-on you. I've blamed myself for far too long and the pain of that nearly broke me more times than I can count. I did things that I'm not proud of, but that I forgive myself for because they were the only things I knew how to do at the time. I felt responsible for you molesting me, I needed attention and love so badly that even what you gave out to keep me coming back was better than nothing. I needed someone to care. I needed an adult to stand in for my parents and treat me as someone who mattered, who wasn't unlovable. You could have been that person. You could have made my life easier, taught me to respect myself and been the person who proved to me that the world was a kinder place than I believed it to be. Instead, you saw that need and took advantage of me.

At the time, I felt that I'd made a choice. I didn't. You did. You saw a vulnerable child and used her to gain sexual satisfaction that should have been found with other adults. You are not a man with needs as you put it, you are a pitiful excuse for an human being who chose to act on feelings that you knew were wrong. It's taken me a very long time to be able to say that, but I will not live my life the way so many others have. I will not waste my energy trying to find ways to make this my fault and nothing anyone can say will make me believe that again.

I am the kind of person you should have been. I am brave and gentle, I stand up for people who can't stand up for themselves and I call people on their lies. I love deeply and am deeply loved by a woman who will never harm me. I have friends who love and accept me for who I am. I will have children who will never know the pain I did and I will never become an abuser.

I will tell people about what you did without being ashamed because that shame is not mine. I will speak publically so that others can do so without fear. I will not allow people like you to continue destroying lives nor will I allow parents, teachers and the police to pretend that it isn't happening.

Many times people have said or implied that you made me strong by abusing me. You didn't. I did. I chose people to love me and help me become this person. I built myself back up with their endless help, love, patience, kindness and support.

My name is Raven and I was sexually abused. It was not an accident or a misunderstanding and you, my abuser, knew this. With this letter, I free myself from you. You are nothing and my future will be free of you and people like you.

Dear GE

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Thu, 15 May 2008 16:27:00 +0000

We have been together over 2 years. I can't belive how fast it's gone by! Ever since the moment we first met, I knew there was something special about you. Something magical that i couldn't wait to discover.

You have an effect over me that noone else has ever brought out. i feel more secure in myself and happier ever since you came into my life.

Yet, despite all the happy times, all the times we have been intimate, all the chances i've had and passed up, i have yet to tell you that i love you. i've come close, and there are times when it is on the tip of my tounge, but i have an intense fear of telling you for fear of losing you and what we have.

You have done so much for me. you have been there when i needed you. you understand my odd humor. you listen and don't judge. you mean so much to me, and yet, i can't muster up the courage to tell you how i truly feel about you. i've done all that i can to show you, but i know it's not enough.

i hope one day i'm brave enough. i hope it doesn't weird things out or drive you away. i would be lost without you.

sub

Dear W

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Tue, 29 Apr 2008 02:26:00 +0000

I didn't sleep with you because I thought it was my only chance. I wasn't taking advantage of a one time opportunity. I didn't think that you were going to hate me in the morning. I didn't know a fuck was all you wanted. I wasn't pretending you were mine, purposefully deluding myself for one night with you.

I loved you. I loved you that night, the nights before, and painfully the nights after. I watched you from afar, but it was pretty obvious where I stood. While I knew you weren't in love with me, I thought you were giving me a chance. I thought things were going to change. I truly thought that you could (and were going to try to) love me too.

But I was wrong on so many levels. I've never regretted loving anybody before, and it's not because the love wasn't returned; it's because you treated me so badly for it.

Always,
A

Dear Daryl

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Sat, 19 Apr 2008 01:14:00 +0000

You're a drug, an addiction that I've never been able to shake. I crave you, need you, but you're no good for me. I'd sacrifice everything, drop anything, just to taste you, feel you. You're my elixir, my euphoria, my thrill, my high. But after the high comes the crash, and I always feel broken coming down. And yet I never learn. I've shaken the habit, but the memories haunt me. I remember the emotions..the rush. It's what kept me going back again and again. I learned to live without you, but I still crave you every once in awhile. Lately, that temptation has been overwhelming. Maybe it's the stress or the changes in my life. Maybe I need an escape. I feel reckless with you, reckless but free. I miss that. I'm at the point where I don't care about the consequences, I'm just desperate for the familiar rush, even if it's wrong. Even if it destroys me. I've come so close to giving in once, but I was proud I didn't. I can't relapse, not after all the progress that I've made. So many people have helped me along the way, step by step. They're proud of what I've accomplished, how far I've come. To give in would disappoint the people who believed in me the most. I would feel so guilty. I'm terrified to take that step back, cause I know it's a spiraling downfall. You seduce me and I falter. Everyone thinks I'm clean, but inside, I've never stopped craving for you. What bothers me the most is that I'd be willing to risk it all for a taste of excitement. I'm ashamed and terrified. Selfish.

Two years. We've both moved on. And yet, you're a habit I can't seem to kick, can't seem to forget. But you've all but forgotten me. Come back to me.

I need you. I want you. I want you to need me too.

I still love you.

Forever yours,
Squishy

Dear YH

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 14 Apr 2008 12:42:00 +0000

Believe it or not

I'm still so fucking crazy over You.

It's been 4 months.

Since the day you decided to leave.

The only reason I didn't ask you to stay;

Was because I loved You too much;

I didn't want to get You into anymore trouble.

I didn't want to make things difficult for You anymore.

You were there for me; that fateful April night.

And I'll never forget that.

I Love You.

You-Know-Who

Damn you

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Wed, 02 Apr 2008 00:48:00 +0000

For almost five years now you've made me feel special. You gave me that extra bit of pride every week. Knowing that I was special. Considering myself among the elite of society as I moved past my friends and family with speed and grace.

I never quite understood why I loved you. It made no sense. But I felt obliged. Like I was following the expected trend. Reading the instructions. Doing what was expected of me.

Over time, you became more demanding. I think you let the rest of the world creep in to our life. You became proud, and your hubris was obvious. You took more and more from me. Did you think I wouldn't notice?

A good friend finally opened my eyes. The idea of change scared me at first. What if something went wrong? I knew you were always dependable. Could I afford to leave that security behind?

So I read. And slept. And prayed.

My first time was last week. It almost felt like cheating. My curiosity won over and I went through with it. But I know you know. You saw the whole thing.

And now? Things are fine. The wheels haven't stopped turning. I'm still moving along as free as ever. Just without you.

I won't pay your price any more. We are done. The labels in my life no longer matter. I'll do what i want.

That's right, you heard me! Premium gasoline, I will never pay your extra 20 cents per gallon again. My Lexus runs fine on unleaded, thank you. Good luck finding some other poor sap to overcharge, I'm free of your spell.

Say hello to Midgrade for me.

JDB

To My World

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Fri, 28 Mar 2008 12:52:00 +0000

The past couple of days have been decent. I mean this isn’t what I wanted for my spring break; never did I imagine that this spring break would be the one. It’s weird because it’s the only spring break we’ve ever spent together or really even ever talked on. I honestly don’t know. I have been going through both profiles continuously the past two days, especially mine. I’ve been reading the bumper stickers that regardless of what happened actually mean something to me. It’s three of them that stick out the most and mean the most to me at all in general. I don’t know, maybe we just aren’t meant to be in each other’s lives like this. I mea n it seems that we constantly fight and bicker and not talk to each other. Don’t get me wrong, I think friends should fight and bicker but it seems like we do it more than anyone else and it seems as if we are good one day and then the next day its like ruined. Yeah I know some of it is my fault and I start them and I never mean to. What hurt the most is that we didn’t even talk at all on Monday and the only thing you say to me is, “Guess who came to visit me”. Like just rub it in even more why don’t you. Like I don’t want this to sound like a rant and a vent of frustration because it’s not what it’s mean to be. Answer me this, do these quotes mean nothing to you anymore?

“I know we have been through hard and rough times but you will always be my best friend no matter what happens?”
“It’s not about where you go in life. It’s about who’s by your side that makes it all worthwhile.”
“The greatest challenge in life is to find someone who knows all your flaws, differences, and mistakes yet still loves everything about you.”
I’m not going to lie, I feel that since the incident on the Thursday before my spring break nothing has been the same ever since. It feels like you were trying to avoid me and I mean go ahead if you feel that is right but just tell me then. You know I can handle honesty and it happens. I still don’t know how to forgive you for lying to me, I won’t lie, I still just doubt everything that you have ever said to me since you lied about the hook-up with D. It hurt more that you hid it from me since October than the actual act and I don’t mean to beat a dead bush but how does that make me feel? Had we not argued about when you came down, then you wouldn’t have even told me is what hurts the most, the fact that you accidentally told me. It wasn’t as if you were like “I can’t hide this anymore” here it is, no it was by accident.

I’ll be the first to admit that yeah I haven’t been the greatest friend in the past couple of months and I apologize, but not once did I lie to you. I’ve told you straight up about how I feel about everything. Yeah maybe I have treated you like crap lately and I don’t mean to but just take a step back and look at it from my point of view. I feel as if the person who became my best friend is no longer that person. I feel as if everything that made me fall for you and want to become friends with you isn’t there anymore. I feel like I don’t even know you sometimes anymore. Yeah, we’ll talk and you’ll tell me about what’s going on in your life but I feel like I still don’t know you. The you inside, not the you that you’ve been showing me for the past year since we started talking but the real you. The you that I know is inside there and wanting you to let her out.

Love always
Teddy Bear

To a mom

noreply@blogger.com (Unknown) — Mon, 24 Mar 2008 13:09:00 +0000

I don't think I'll ever be thin enough that we don't fight about food. I want that day to come, but I have no faith it will. My addiction to food won't ever disappear. You're right; it's destroying our relationship and killing me. I always knew it would be like this.

I see no happy ending for this situation. Eventually you'll break down and stop caring or I'll break down and try to commit to being better. It won't get better.

I'm sorry.

- a daughter