I did not imagine my last post would cause so much discussion.  I am thrilled that so many of you jumped into the fray and voiced your opinions about 5 Myths of Divorce Revealed.  I approached the post by first thinking about some my preconceived notions about divorce and then began to research what others had to say.  One of the most surprising revelations was the research and opinions about keeping the marriage together for the children.  Myth #2, really got everyone talking.

Therefore I thought I would dig a little deeper and try to present my Fox News version of both sides of the story.

But first to be fair, let me talk about my experience as a child of divorce.  I remember the day my parents sat me down to tell me they decided to split up our family.  I was nine years old.  They were very matter of fact about the situation.  They tried to convey that it was not my fault and their decision was best for everyone.  My mother moved out and my sister and I stayed with my dad.

Within 6 months my father had remarried.  In the interim, my grandmother came to stay with us.  My sister was only 2 years old.  She doesn’t have many memories as a child of my Mom, but she enjoys a close relationship with her today.

The marriage with our first step-mother only lasted 3 years.  After that marriage broke up, my grandmother came to live with us for the second time.  And for a short time, between grandma and the second step-mother, we had a nanny.  Less than a year after he split up with our first step-mother, he married again – and this new wife came with kids.

For me, the upheaval in my house had a profound effect on me.  Between the ages of 9-12, I became withdrawn and moody.  I think I even suffered from episodes of depression.  I felt a loss of stability and structure that I have since struggled to regain.  I believe that my self-confidence was affected and I would have rather had the worst of my mother than the hodge-podge of caregivers provided to me and my sister.

The thing is, we seldom heard my parents fight.  When they announced their divorce, I had no idea anything was wrong. But after their divorce, it seemed everything went wrong.  I have spent a lifetime trying to put myself back together again.

So there is the abridged version of my story, and I’m sure many of you have an idea of which way my sentiments lean, but I want to be fair and present both sides.  I believe I did my due diligence in researching this topic.

Side A – Not Staying Together for the Children

Most experts cite the resiliency of children.  Most believe that divorce will have a negative effect on children initially but the effects going forward have a lot to do with the way the parents and other adults in the child’s life deal with the divorce.

In a Time magazine article, Robert Emery, Director of the University of Virginia’s Center for Children, Families and the Law says, “For the most part, kids from divorced families are resilient. They bounce back from all the stresses. Some kids are at risk, but the majority are functioning well.”

In fact, Dr. Paul Amato, professor of sociology at Penn State University points to most of scientific research which indicates that growing up as a product of divorce can put the child at risk for certain problems, but, it doesn’t necessarily doom the child to a “terrible life.”  He goes on to say, “The fact of the matter is that most kids from divorced families do manage to overcome their problems and do have good lives.”

A popular author Stephanie Staal (The Love They Lost: Living with the Legacy of Our Parent’s Divorce) and child of divorce recalls that her parents tried to stick out.  She commented that, the year her parents tried to stay together was horrible and although it was devastating when her parents divorced it doesn’t automatically mean that she wishes they would have stayed together.

So as you can see from the point of view of experts (professional and lay), many believe that children of divorce are no better or worse off than if their parents had stayed together.

In fact, when reading your comments and posters on other sites, almost everyone agrees that it is better for the child to grow up in a single parent home than to be subject to unhappy parents who fight all of the time.  Most of you believe that a happy parent makes a better parent – even if it is in a single-parent home.

Side B –Staying Together for the Children

Next, let’s look at the point of view from the other camp.

One of the leading experts conveying the idea that parents should stay together whenever they can is Judith Wallerstein.  Wallerstein, is a therapist and retired lecturer at the University of California, Berkeley. In the “Unexpected Legacy of Divorce,” she argues that the harm caused by divorce is graver and longer lasting than we suspected.  Another popular book supporting the side for staying together is “The Case for Marriage,” by Linda Waite and Maggie Gallagher (Doubleday) emphasizes the positive, arguing that even rocky marriages nourish children emotionally and practically.

There are two primary arguments for keeping the family together.  First, children are not particularly concerned with the quality of their parent’s marriage.  It is what the marriage represents to them that is most important.  The marriage represents security and stability.  It means never having to choose between parents or homes or families.  It means not ever blaming themselves or having to split their love between parents.

Second, parents may feel such a great responsibility toward their children that they may be willing to renew their efforts to mend their marriage.  Wallerstein says that by “putting our children’s interest at the forefront may allow us the strength to grow and develop as individuals to the degree that we can make new contributions to the healthiness of a marriage.”  She goes on to say, “A successful marriage relationship usually involves growing beyond ourselves so as to be able to understand and accept our spouse more fully.  That new understanding can allow us to diminish some of the negatives about our spouse and our marriage and instead to begin to genuinely see strengths and contributions we have overlooked. “

Divorce expert and Psychologist Neil Kalter supports Wallerstein through his assertion that even an unhappy marriage is less significant that the changes that occur for children after divorce.  He says that most divorces are motivated by the need for “greener grasses,” and if parents would concentrate on working out their conflicts rather than cultivating their own happiness, the children would be better off.

It is documented that children of divorce suffer depression, learning difficulties and other psychological problems more frequently than those of intact families.  Some of the long-term effects on children of divorce are intimacy problems, fear of having children, and fear of commitment in relationships.  These facts were revealed by Mark Fine and John Harvey in their book “Children of Divorce:  Stories of Loss and Growth.”

Many children of divorce will hold out for that perfect relationship only to be disappointed.  They also tend to marry later in life and have higher rates of divorce than children whose parents stay together.

Side C – The Two Sides of Children of Divorce  – Who is Right?

I don’t know that either side is right.  I think your opinion on this subject has a lot to do with your own experience, where you are in your life right now, especially if you are newly divorced or have endured a difficult divorce.

I do believe that one of the most important factors for how well a child will adjust to divorce is how in tune the parent is to the child’s needs.  Parents should be sensitive and consider the child’s age, and temperament, before, during and after the divorce.  A preschooler will react much differently to divorce than a teenager. Over time, the way a child reacts to divorce is tied directly to how well the parent deals with and recovers from the divorce themselves.

Whether we decide to pull the plug or tough it out, constant and open communication with our children and spouses (current or former) may be the fundamental keys to navigating this bumpy road and producing emotionally healthy children in a less than ideal situation.

I started thinking today about my beliefs with regard to divorce and how they measure up to my real life experience.  I am a child of divorce and now as an adult, I have had the unfortunate experience of my own divorce.  Below are some revealing truths about divorce and why what you think you know, may not be correct.

Myth 1:  Divorcing couples always end up as enemies.

            This has a lot to do with your emotional health and point of view at a given point in time.  After the initial break up you will find yourself angry and resentful.  The good news is that these feelings can be put to rest using a variety of therapy techniques and the grass is actually greener on the other side of this septic tank. 

Think of it this way, would you rather wallow in a field of trash or a field of daisies?  If you continue to feed that anger and resentment then you will always have the proverbial banana peel stuck to your shoe.  In other words, you’ll never get out of the field of trash.

On the other hand, if you choose to forgive your former spouse and work cooperatively with him/her then you can look forward to many days of sunshine and smelling the daisies.

Another thought is that working cooperatively after a time of separation can actually lead to reconciliation if that is what you desire.  It’s been stated that approximately 10 percent all currently married couples in the US separated at some point and then later reconciled.  (Wineberg and McCarthy, “Separation and reconciliation in American marriages,” Journal of Divorce & Remarriage 29, 1993: 131-46).

Myth 2: Children of divorced parents are better off.

We have all been taught to believe this and truthfully, I remember saying this very thing to my husband before we divorced.  I often extolled the undetermined damage we were doing to our children each time they witnessed our arguments and mistreatment of each other.

Researchers agree that there is a negative impact on children when they witness their parents in conflict however, children subjected to divorce suffer much more than if their parents stayed together.  Only in the most extreme cases were the children better off when the parents ended the marriage.  So in fact, it is better for parents to stay together and work through marriage and family counseling rather than resort to divorce.

As a bonus, when you can, working out the conflict provides a great teaching tool for your children.  They see from your example that it is possible to work out conflict, even in severe cases.

Myth 3:  My Divorce only affects my family.

Wrong!  The divorcing couple is also divorcing each other’s family.  When there are children involved it is especially important to consider how the divorce, child custody and visitation will impact other family members.  Every effort should be made to maintain a quality relationship with your ex-in-laws.

And, let’s not ignore friends.  I have seen countless examples of friendships broken by divorce.  Many times the former friends don’t even take sides – they simply don’t have anything in common with you because you were friends as a couple, and you are no longer part of a “couple.”  Expect some re-arranging of your friendships as you move through the early stages of your divorce.

Myth 4:  Women suffer from more loneliness after divorce than men.

Although more than ½ of the women reported that they felt lonely after divorce, men reported being just as lonely and confused as much as 20 years after their divorce.  In fact, it is the man who is more likely to remarry quickly after his divorce is final.  According to a 2004 report from the US Census Bureau, more than 53% of men surveyed had remarried after their divorce while only 42% of women. Men are generally more negative about divorce and will devote more energy into saving the marriage than women. 

Myth 5:  Women are more emotionally unstable after divorce.

While I agree that the first weeks and even months after you make the decision to end your marriage are ones of great emotional upheaval, I do not agree that this is a lasting condition.  In fact there countless examples of women who have excelled in their lives after their divorce.  I might even go so far as to say that these same women may never have achieved the same level of emotional health or professional success had they stayed in their marriages.

The truth is that women are more likely to notice the degeneration of their marriage and after enduring emotional abandonment; they feel greater relief when the marriage is over.  Women also have greater support systems than men. They are more likely to ask for and receive help from friends and family.  Finally, women become empowered after divorce because they accept new roles as parents and providers in their homes.

 Many of us hold long time beliefs about divorce and how it affects men, women and children.  I hope I’ve succeeded in revealing a different point of view to some commonly held myths about divorce.  More importantly, whatever your beliefs with regard to divorce, I hope you consider your decision carefully and seek counsel before making any dramatic changes.  The affects can last a lifetime.

Nothing endures but change.

Heraclitus
Ancient Greek Philosopher (~ 500 B.C.)

I embrace the one constant feature of life – that is change.  My life changed dramatically in the span of the last 12 months.  I had a baby, got laid off from my job and ended my marriage.  All of these changes would be overwhelming to most people.  For me, these changes presented an opportunity to start again.

Obtaining a college degree has been my dream since I was old enough to remember.  I never thought that I would not get a college education in my lifetime.  But, as often happens when strong role models are missing from a young person’s life, I made different choices along the way, and took many different paths.  As a result, I found myself at the age of 40, separated from my husband, laid off from work due to the recession, and with a brand new baby and a 3 year old to care for.

I think that many people would have been overwhelmed by these circumstances but I knew from past experience the taste of success.  Before I married, I had a very different life from the one I chose as a wife and mother.  At one time I worked as a contractor for the Department of Energy.  I worked on constructed wetland research, wrote and presented technical papers at industry conferences, mentored interns and was a trusted liaison between our field personnel and our engineers.  Even though I enjoyed all of these professional accomplishments, the one thing that I did not have was a college degree.  This was always the single element in my resume that has held me back.  I have missed out on better pay raises, and advancement opportunities because I did not take the time 20 years ago to dedicate myself to my studies.

So, in the face of all of these potentially crushing changes in my life, I decided that this was the time I was going to take to go back to college.  This time I was earnestly going to dedicate myself to my studies instead of “playing” at college.  I recognize that I only have this small window of opportunity to get it right this time, and I’m going to take advantage of it. This was the gift I was going to give myself and my two young daughters.

One of the advantages of being an older student is that I have the added benefit of life experience.  I have had time to develop my interests and I know my strengths and weaknesses.  Because of this insight, I am surer of the direction I want to take my education and the outcomes I want to achieve.

I have always been interested in education and training, I am good with technology and I am comfortable with public speaking.  I believe that the combination of these three components will make for a great career helping small businesses learn to leverage their business on the Internet.  Whether I do this work as an entrepreneur, contract employee, or other employment arrangement will be determined at graduation.  The one thing I know for certain is that I can excel in this area of business.  I am already working with the Internet, developing my own websites, and learning the business side of the network.

As with most college students, I have to be creative about how we make money to support myself and my dreams.  I currently hold 3 part-time jobs.  Together they make up 45 hours of my week.  I use my admin skills and my newly acquired Internet blogging and marketing skills to help support my family.

I am also very involved in my church discipleship.  I sought a volunteer position which would allow me to volunteer my time, while still being able to spend time with by daughters.  An ideal opportunity came along this fall, to assist with the religious education ministry.  Once a week I provide babysitting services for the parents who are taking the required religious education courses to become new members of our church.  I feel so blessed to be able to support these families while imparting some very important lessons to my children as well.

As a family, we also visit the residents at an assisted living center when time allows.  I believe we bring a ray sunshine and unexpected happiness to these folks for whom each day can become dreary and uneventful.  They are still young and vibrant on the inside and they only need the laughter of a small child to bring about memories, storytelling and joy for all to share.

One of the posts on my web site is called “Lemons to Lemonade.” That is what I think I have done with my life.  I am very proud of my accomplishments and the example I am setting for my children.  I am energized and excited for this next chapter of my life.

As you can see, I have gone through many changes in the last year.  Change is constant and you have a choice to embrace that change or run from it.  I hope you can see for yourself what is possible for you own life when you welcome change.

Emotional Boundaries Require a Constant Vigil

I’m convinced that people will gnaw away at your personal boundaries if you let them.  They are just like those little no-see-um gnats that swarm your head and drive you nuts. If you make concessions and give anyone in your life an inch, I will guarantee they will take a mile.  That is why maintaining your emotional boundaries requires a constant vigil on your part. 

I’m no relationship therapist but, even I know that it is a constant struggle to keep that line clearly drawn in the sand.  Even though the waves of humanity are constantly trying to erase the boundaries that you set it is incumbent upon you to maintain your authenticity and keep up the border.

Emotional Boundaries in Love Relationships

Love relationships are the hardest.  With the ebb and flow of a personal relationship, emotional boundaries are hard to keep.  There is a tendency to give more slack in these relationships than we would give a friend or coworker.  Saying No is hard but, saying No and really meaning No requires a steely reserve that most of us do not have.  That’s where couples counseling, marriage therapy or other counseling services come in handy.  These folks are trained professionals.  They know how to navigate the land mines that exist along the pathway to a healthy relationship.

I am angry right now.  I have allowed many of my personal boundaries to become breached over the last week.  I’m feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.   I’m trying to make really good decisions yet, I feel like I’m being stuffed back down into the box from which I recently escaped.  Writing is my depression therapist.  For me, sharing my thoughts with you is my best treatment for depression.

Most of you know that when I left my husband last year, I completely re-evaluated everything about my life.  I formulated a new plan and set upon a path of self-awareness and emotional healing.  I wanted to let go of my anger and learn to love and value myself again.  In order to do this, I had to say good-bye to my old way of doing things.  This included constantly giving in or rather giving up my personal boundaries and what was important to me.

Emotional Boundaries and Codependency

I believe that the opposite of boundaries is codependency.  After all, when we rely on emotional dependency to operate, we actually morph into the person our partner wants us to be.  We become unable to maintain our own identity because that might be too threatening to our partner.  Standing up for you somehow equates to disrespecting them.

All of this causes me to wonder how you develop a relationship in which both parties have the right to draw the boundary in the sand without becoming threatened?  Is it after the third date that you have a State meeting between yourselves and formulate a strategic plan by which you each agree to operate as independent States yet each contributes to the good of the Country as a whole?  Honestly, I don’t know how this works.  What I do know is that what I know about developing and maintaining a successful relationship ain’t much.

Emotional Boundaries and Counseling

I am beginning to believe that most of us cannot organically develop whole, emotionally healthy relationships without the aid of relationship counseling.  My hypothesis is partially tested through my personal life experience.  First, most of us are a product of mild to moderate dysfunction within our own families.  The generation that raised us is the same generation that developed child psychology.  Therefore, it is reasonable to assume that what our parents knew about healthy child rearing was only slightly more advanced than the techniques of their own parents.   Second, I believe that our own biorhythms functions to draw to us that person that responds to our personal energy. 

So for instance, if we are brought up in an extremely restrictive environment and suffer from low self-esteem, what sort of energy do you suppose we are putting out there into the Universe?  What sort of mate would you expect to draw to yourself?  A predator perhaps?  Maybe someone that might take advantage of your weaknesses? 

I hope you can see from this analogy how important it is to become emotionally healthy and to stand strong in the face of your pursuers.  Take your stick and draw a giant swath in the metaphoric sand of life.  Mark and defend your personal boundaries against those that pursue you and even those closest to you.  And you know what?  Encourage those you love to do the same. 

One final note, when you find yourself struggling, don’t forget there are many professionals out there that can help you and your loved one navigate the choppy waters of relationships.  They are experts at turning the tables on the negative and shining a light back on the possibilities of a healthy, loving relationship.  When it gets too hard don’t forget to ask for help.

Economics is the study of scarcity.  In the world there are unlimited wants but limited resources to fulfill those wants.  Therefore, the resources needed to fill those wants, becomes scare or harder to get.

The same is true about your time.  You may have unlimited people you want to help, activities or work that you want to do but, one thing remains constant – there are only 24 hours in a day.  Time is scarce.  For this reason, it is important to define your priorities, and build your personal boundaries to meet those priorities.  If you can do this you can overcome your low self-esteem, feelings of guilt or shame and live a happier more fulfilling life.

There is guilt embedded somewhere deep within the fiber of our people pleaser souls.  Guilt is woven so tightly that no matter how gentle we are with our family friends and/or colleagues– we can’t help but having feelings of guilt and shame when we say, “No.”  At first, saying no might create some feelings of  guilt but, making tough choices today will put you in a happier place tomorrow.

What if you had a way of overcoming this guilt?  Consider if you were guaranteed that by saying “No,” there would be no repercussions.  The person to whom you declared your rejection would have absolutely no hard feelings.  

Think about that for a moment and let the idea of what saying “No” would feel like if there were no negative consequences. 

What if you were guaranteed a free pass and permission to say “No,” then to whom or to what would you say it?  What project would you give up? From what group would you resign?  Of what responsibility would you divest yourself?  Is there a relationship you would end or a date you would break? 

Consider this and your responses carefully.  Perhaps it would be most helpful if you attacked this exercise by making a list.  Split your paper into quarters.  Label each section Work, Family, Friends and Activities.  Fill in things to which you can say “No” under each heading.  Here’s what my list might look like:

 Okay, now that we have a blueprint of things to which we should be saying “No,” next, we need to give ourselves permission to say “No.”  The best way to do this is to take the feelings of guilt and shame out of saying “No,” and prepare gracious and authentic responses for each item on our list.

For instance, I anticipate that at least one of my bosses is going to ask/suggest that I work extra during my Spring Break.  I want to be prepared for their question so I’m not taken off guard and feel obligated to say, “Yes.”

Here’s one scenario.

(Boss) “Consolata, I know your Spring Break is coming up and I thought you might like some extra hours.”

(Consolata) “Boss, I appreciate you thinking of me and offering me the extra hours.  You’re right, I could use the extra money but, I’ve planned to use that extra week to catch up on some personal projects.”  “Thanks again for thinking of me – Ask me again next time.”

Do you see how you can be gentle but firm?  There is no need to apologize, or over explain.  Just be gracious and honest and everything else will take care of itself.

If this approach does not feel natural to you, then maybe using a little humor is more your style. 

Here’s a second scenario:

(Friend) “Hi Consolata, I was wondering if you could babysit for me again on Friday night?

(Me) “Nope, never again as long as I live!”  “No really, I’m afraid I’m not available Friday night.”  “I’m sorry I can’t help you this time.”

You can try out different responses to see which ones feel most natural.  What are some other great responses you can come up with to make ’saying no’ more fun?

The bottom line here is to consider what the worst outcome could be from saying “No.”  Living an authentic life can seem tough. Sometimes there will be unwelcome consequences.

You have to teach people how to treat you.  It takes repeating an activity 31 times in a row to develop a new habit.  Keep practicing saying “No” and over time, your friends and family will come to respect your boundaries and appreciate your graciousness and honesty.

Truthfully, you might lose some friends or get the cold shoulder from your family.  Simply keep in mind that those people are feeling rejected.  They don’t know how to react to you when you stay firm and stick to your personal boundaries. Release yourself from guilt, shame and people pleaser ways.  And, when you feeling yourself teetering on the edge, remember that you are staying true to yourself and putting your priorities first.

I planned to blog about letter writing this week.  I wanted to share some of the techniques I use to lift myself out of an emotional depression.  Letter writing is a valuable alternative healing technique when I need a little relationship therapy or anger therapy and it is still two weeks before my next appointment with my therapist. 

And then today a completely unexpected event happened.  It compelled me to return to my trusted old friend for dealing with grief and find some emotional healing. 

What was this overwhelming event that caused me to invoke my powers of self-help and natural healing?  Well, I’m finding it hard to tell you because you are going to find it silly but, The Toddler’s lizard died today. 

Victoria was a beautiful Leopard Gecko.  She was lavender with muted black spots.  She had a marvelous personality and The Toddler called her lovingly “Bicktoria.”  The Gecko on the insurance company commercial would certainly have fallen madly in love with our beauty, as you can see from her picture.

Bicktoria came to us before The Toddler was born.  She belonged to the son of a friend.  The boy was going to college, and we joked, he couldn’t have girls in his room at school, so she came to live with us.  Bicktoria was The Toddler’s first pet.

I think since I was going to blog about letter writing anyway, it would be a perfect time to demonstrate how to write homage to Victoria in 3 easy steps.

1.  Create a peaceful environment.

When I turn to my letter writing as a means of emotional healing, I find that usually I am struggling with overwhelming physical agitation and my mind is swirling with thoughts and emotions.  Before I can get started putting my thoughts on paper, I need quiet.  I often take a bubble bath to help me relax.  When I step out of my healing waters, I put on some soothing music.  By then, I am relaxed and ready to write.

2.  Begin with simple, expressive phrases.

Begin with simple phrases to express your feelings in the most basic and organic way.  Use phrases like I feel, I want, I wish, I need, I believe…to help you get started.  Don’t worry about form or content for now.  Write your letter as if you are making a list.

3.  Leave Your Anger, Resentments and Grief on the Page.

Letter writing is a form of self-help.  Letter writing is a natural healing mechanism with the purpose of propelling our spiritual growth.  It is cheaper than divorce counseling and more effective than anti-depressants.  Write what you are feeling.  Write it with honesty and gusto.  And, when you are finished writing, leave your anger, resentments and grief, exactly where they lay – on the page.  That’s the point…we write the letter to express our feelings – to get them out so we don’t have to carry that baggage around with us. 

With these 3 Easy Steps you can begin your own emotional healing through letter writing.  Now, I would like to pay homage to our departed Victoria with a short letter for coping with grief of my own.

My Dearest Victoria…

Thank you for uniting me and my husband even when we were falling apart.

I feel sad that you died today.

I feel sad that I had to find you.

I feel afraid to tell The Toddler you are dead.

I will miss seeing you each day.

I will miss hearing The Toddler call you Bicktoria.

I feel glad that we had you with us for a short while.

Thank you for being a part of our family.

Thank you for bringing us pleasure.

Thank you for making us happy.

I believe we will see you in Heaven.

It’s true. This is my first St. Valentine’s Day as a divorced woman. The fact that I am newly single with no sweetheart to grant my Valentine Wish may seem like a downer.  Truthfully, I don’t care that I don’t have a sweetheart for Valentine’s Day. I still have a lot of love in my life.

Instead, I thought it would be fun to do a little Google scavenger hunt on Valentine’s Day. I brainstormed 10 top Google ranked Valentine’s Day phrases.  I typed each in the Google Search and looked at result number 100 for each (10th result on page 10). This is what I found out about Valentine’s Day beyond page one.

1. St. Valentine. Of the 17,900,000 results for St. Valentine, result number 100 offers the history of St. Valentine which is as romantic as the modern Valentine’s Day holiday. In case you did not know, the modern Valentine holiday was derived from the martyred Roman priest, St. Valentine, who illegally performed marriages. Fr. Valentine became the patron of lovers. February became the month for lovers since it was widely believed at the time, that February was the time that birds choose their mates. Red roses are a symbol for martyrs and love, and always a symbol for Venus the goddess of love. The legend and symbols of Valentine’s Day is as intertwined as the mingling of two hearts.

2. Valentine’s Vacations. There are 36,000,000 hits on the Google search for Valentine’s Vacations. There are Valentine’s Day get away packages, Valentine’s Day Inns, Caribbean trips, and even Valentine, Indiana vacation homes. Where in the world is Valentine, Indiana and what kind of vacation can we expect??? Honestly, how much valentine day travel is actually planned for the holiday?

The 100th hit on my Valentine’s Day Vacation Google search yields A Valentine’s Wellness Vacation for Couples and Singles: “The New Relationship– Five Agreements to Make Love Come True”. I’m not sure I would have ever found it had I not been looking, but it sounds fascinating. Sign me up!

3. Valentine’s Day Jewelry. Valentine’s Day jewelry gives up 36,900,000 results on the Google search. Result number one hundred is no longer valid so I skipped on to results number one hundred. This is a simple little buying guide so a certain fella can be sure to buy his Valentine, the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. The key points to the buying guide are: Budget, Size, Style, Gift Wrap. In other words if you’re going to buy jewelry you should know how much you can spend going in to get the most bang for your buck.  It’s important to make sure it fits your gal’s style and don’t forget to wrap – you know how much girls love ribbons and bows. Often times, it’s the little extras that count the most.

4. Valentine’s Day Events. When I searched for Valentine’s Day events, result number 100 provided an amusing list of events put together by a group called Southwest Florida Moms. These events are creative and charming. Perhaps they will provide you with some ideas. The events are as follows:
• A Father/Daughter Valentine’s Day Dance
• A Mother/Daughter Valentine’s Day Tea
• A romantic excursion on a mystery dinner train complete with a strolling violinist.
• Childrens Make a Valentine workshop.
• A program by the local nature conservancy on the attraction of animals in nature.

5. Valentine Wishes. Valentine Wishes provides 67,000,000 Google choices. Choice number 100 is a chat room for gay, lesbian and bisexuals lamenting on their Valentine’s Day wish. Some of the posts were very sad, others were rather blasé and still others were eerily cynical. What is true is that no matter what your sexual orientation, Valentine’s Day touches all of us.

6. Valentine’s Day Poetry. 36,900,000 results for Valentine’s Day poetry. Number 100 is site for Valentine’s Day poetry, prayers and readings for the Christian soul. It seems as though there are unending choices for all of us in need of a soulful Valentine poem. Whether Christian or otherwise, prose to express our lover’s feelings is out there if we have the wherewithal to look for it.

7. Valentine’s Day Décor. 32,400,000 results for Valentine’s Day décor. Number 100 is a DIY site on which someone wants to know if it’s possible to have a Classy Valentine’s Day décor for 2 single adults. Really, are they serious? Upon further inspection it seems that even Martha Stewart was not able to satisfy their need for Classy Valentine décor. Get over yourself! Buy some construction paper, glitter and glue and have fun for goodness sakes.

8. Valentine’s Day Movies. Warner Brothers and the producers for the newly released movie which is the subject of this blog, will be pleased to know their marketing went as deep as number 100 out of 46,100,000 results. I suppose there is much to be said for the press junket!

9. Valentine White. I got 52,200,000 results back when I searched Valentine White. Result number 100 is this creepy anime cat called Lil Valentine White Cat with its Candy Heart Love Art Card. I don’t like that result, and it is my blog….so, I want to tell you about something else I found.

White Day is celebrated on March 14th, in Japan, Taiwan and Korea, one month after our Western Valentine Holiday. Although we jokingly credit Hallmark for the proliferation of our Valentine’s Day holiday, in Japan , White Day is the result of a payback campaign started by the National Confectionery Industry Association. The idea is that the men should payback the women who gave them chocolates on Valentine’s Day. Ergo, White Day – another reason for chocolate. Genius!

10. 14 Days of Valentine’s. Yep, you guessed it. Just like the ubiquitous partridge in a pear tree for Christmas, we have a teddy in a basket of chocolates for Valentine’s Day. Result number 100 for this search is a whole slew of great ideas for long distance lovers. The Long Distance Diva has budget friendly ideas, romantically creative ideas like a Skype date, and ideas for which money is No Object. Why not celebrate this day of romance for two whole weeks – especially if your sweetie is far away. After all, you can never show your special someone too much love, right?

Valentine’s Day has a lot to offer, no matter what your personal footprint is. Be authentic and express yourself in the best way you know how. I hope I’ve demonstrated tfor you that here is many different kinds of Valentine fun out there.  In fact, there is something everyone, if you take a moment and look.

I’ll admit I am incredibly naïve. I joke that I’m always so busy looking out after myself that I don’t notice other people and their ill intent. In fact, I’m not really joking.  I genuinely believe that our “normal balance” is focusing on ourselves and looking out for number one.  That’s where keeping your emotional boundaries with co-workers is important.

I recently had an experience with a co-worker that surprised me. Better yet, I was surprised at my own ability to sniff a rat and protect myself and my emotional boundaries. I never had the strength or the skills to do this in the past. Normally I would have been road-kill before I knew what had happened.

I put myself in the running for an Office Manager’s position at my office. This was a rash decision on my part. I admit I didn’t really think things through. But soon after, my co-worker Suzy began to act differently towards me.

During the first couple of days she was quiet and distant but, I picked up on her change of attitude immediately. Then the weekend came and suddenly on Monday, Suzie is my “best friend”.

Now, she takes time to come by my cubicle to talk to me before we begin work. She’s asking me about how I like my job. She wants to know what I think of the people around the office. You know, kind of gossipy sort of stuff, but looking back, this lady is a pro. She was sucking me in just like a deluxe Rainbow vacuum.  She was chatting me up as if I didn’t notice her attitude toward me had changed.

A couple of days went by – same drill each morning. In the meantime, I made the decision to withdraw my name from consideration for the Office Manager position. Another opportunity presented itself and I decided it was better to  pursue that path.  I didn’t tell Suzie.

The next morning, after I withdrew my name, here comes Suzie again. She took notice that my pictures and some other things were gone from my cubicle. She begins to speak. “Oh Consolata, are you leaving us?”

Imagine her voice in your head. She has a kind of nasal-like whine in her tone. She draws out my name, emphasis on the second, third and fourth syllables…Con-soooo-laaah-taaah.

“No,” I said, “why would you ask me that?”

“Well, I just noticed your cubicle is different,” she remarked. “I just thought you might have found another job.”

“Nope, I’m quite happy here.” “Just doing a little cleaning.”

The next morning, here comes Suzie again.  She comes bopping over to my cubicle and says so sweetly and with a certain amount of pity, “Oh, Consolata, me and Linda (the other girl in the office) are so bummed out you are not going to interview for the Office Manager position.”

“Really?” I say. “How did you know I’m not interviewing?”

“Well, we were just talking about it yesterday afternoon, after you left.”  

“No one should have said anything to you, but since you seem so interested, I’ve decided to go in another direction.”

“Oh,” she whines. “Well we were really excited about having you as our Office Manager.”

“That’s surprising,” I said. “and my interview was confidential. “ “No one should have said anything to you or Linda.” “I’m sorry you found out.”

“Well you know,” she says, “I don’t blame you.” You kind of have to protect yourself around here.”

Then she goes on to tell me how she looks at this job as kind of a temporary place to work and how she can see that I would be unhappy there.  I just kept my mouth shut and let her talk.  Often you can find out a lot just by listening.

I remember leaving work that day with my head reeling from this conversation. I was so happy that I kept my mouth shut and stuck to my boundaries. For once I didn’t say every little thing that came into my head.

And then it dawned on me. This girl has evil intent. She is not your friend Consolata. Beware of Suzie.

My supervisors hired someone after one day of interviews.

Coincidentally, Suzie did not appear at my cubicle the next day. She had nothing left to say, I suppose.

Before I left the office I stopped by her desk. I leaned over close and looked her straight in the eye.
I said to her low and slow, “You know, I think there may be some confusion here. For some reason you think I’m unhappy with my job.”

“Let me set the record straight. I like working here, part-time. This is the perfect job for me. Have a nice afternoon.”
I said good-bye and turned and walked out of the door with my head held high.

Maybe I’m paranoid but I honestly think Suzie was trying to make trouble for me. I’m not sure I would have recognized that a few months ago. Thank goodness with time comes, clarity, wisdom and the self-confidence to stick to our emotional boundaries and handle people with grace and dignity.

I’m a recently divorced woman. When it became clear I could not save my marriage, I made the choice to divorce. Over the last eight months, my emotions have run the gamut from anger, relief, elation, empowerment, anger and yes, even anxiety and depression, and more anger.

Along the way, I think I’ve learned some things about myself, about the emotional process of divorce and a few other surprising discoveries. I am not an expert. I have no formal training, education or credentials but, I am a survivor and if I can do anything to help ease the process, then I am happy to share my breakup advice. After all, I want to help.

I hope that as you read these 10 things not to do when getting divorced, you will find at least one piece of divorce advice that you can take away and incorporate into your life.

1. Learn to forgive – immediately. Chances are your marriage disintegrated because you lost the ability to forgive. If you can forgive, then you can open yourself up to receive help, advice, love and other positive emotions that you won’t be able to process if you are closed off. In other words, imagine your anger as the Great Wall of China – completely surrounding you. At first it may feel safe, but eventually you’ll begin to notice that no one comes to visit. You peek out over the top of the wall and you can see everyone but no one can get inside. You have to open the secret door and let them in. The only way you can unlock the door is to begin to forgive and open yourself up to good things.

2. Don’t run out and get a lawyer. Unless you have a very serious and complicated case, many times, you can work with a pro bono law service. My uncontested divorce cost me $250. Yes, you read that right – $250. I worked with the local Self Help Law Center and prepared all of my own forms, including our parenting plan. Maybe the most important point here is that we put aside all of our ill feelings and we agreed on everything before we filed any papers. If I had to do all of this through an attorney it would have cost me a minimum of $2000. With a little effort and resourcefulness, I saved myself and my ex-husband a boatload of cash!

3. Don’t hang on to married family relationships. This was very hard for me because my husband’s family made up most of my social circle. When I realized that we could no longer be “friends” if felt like someone had reached in and ripped out part of my soul. Just accept, right away, that the family is to protect their own, even though they may still care for you, things cannot be the same. In almost all cases, you won’t be invited to family gatherings (birthdays and Christmas may be exceptions), you won’t be hanging out with your sister-in-laws and no one is going to call and check on you. You will have to form a new network of friends.

4. Don’t be selfish. Keep in mind that the decisions you make should first, always be in the best interest of your children. A good example would be when you son is sick but it’s the other parent’s day to see him. If you are thinking about the best interest of your son, you will forego the visit this week and let him stay in his jam-jams, resting comfortably until he is well. If having “your day” is so important, then arrange to get him an alternate day or some other compromise that makes sense. Don’t inconvenience your son just because it is “your day.” You’ll be raising your children for a long time. In the big scheme of things, one day is not going to make a lot of difference. Be flexible and easy to work with. Everyone wins this way. When you’ve let go of your anger, this unselfish compromise will be much easier.

5. Don’t jump into a new relationship. This is probably the most obvious, and the single most repeated piece of advice you’ve heard from your family and friends. Don’t date when you are getting divorced or soon after. Experts say that you should wait at least one year. This is because you need time to heal, get some perspective and clarity about your role in the break-up of your marriage. Plus, for some time you will be viewing every man you come into contact with through the same filter as your ex-husband. You will also find that you are hypersensitive to the things that were triggers for you and your ex. Until you have let go of all of those old feelings, you won’t be a healthy partner for anyone else.

6. Don’t alienate yourself. Go out. Make friends. Volunteer. Join a group, gym, quilting circle – even if you don’t want to. Spending too much time alone with yourself may give you time for introspection, exercise, house cleaning, yard work or other hobbies but, it also gives you too much time to live alone in your head. You need to be distracted and around other people. You need to learn how to relive your life. You really need to learn how to relate to other people, without anger, in a centered, healthy way. Getting out and around people is the best way to do this.

7. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Simply put, everyone knows you are unhappy. However, you don’t have to share your bad feelings with everyone all of the time. Learn to deal with your feelings in constructive ways like therapy, journaling, letter writing, or even blogging. Be mindful, that everyone around you does not want to constantly hear about your feelings, your divorce or be subjected to your anger. Sometimes, some things are better left to yourself.

8. Don’t alienate your ex-husband. He may be your greatest ally. When I needed a babysitter for a project outside of school, my ex was the first to volunteer so he could spend extra time with his kids. He became an ally because he was willing to help, even though we weren’t together anymore. Don’t be so quick to cut your ex out of your life completely. After all, he is the father of your children. Include him in the decisions that affect your kids like daycare/school, sports activities, doctor’s appointments, etc. Almost always, he will be willing to help if you are reasonable and easy to work with.

9. Don’t become attached to your anger. Your anger is not your friend. It sucks all the energy from you. It will scare away people that love you and leave you alone. It will not soothe your hurts, heal your wounds or bring love into your life. Let it go, as soon as possible. I promise, you will feel better, sooner than if you bore it like the proverbial cross.

10. Don’t think you are emotionally healthy and you can do this all on your own. Get some therapy. Find a support group. I cannot stress this enough. You need to hear feedback from people that are not emotionally attached to you.

I’ll close by saying that I am not naïve. I know that you are hurting. I remember some days my pain was so bad that I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to be happy again. What is key here is that you change your mind. Forgive, get rid of your anger, find someone to talk to and actively start building a new life.

If you are in the very early stages, of considering a divorce or separation, perhaps you might find this Family Law Secrets site useful and informative.

Don’t be surprised that I’m writing about Valentine’s Day and divorce at the same time. After all, I am recently divorced and wretched Valentine’s Day is coming once again to tease, stress and disappoint most of us.

I’ve only had one man in my life that lived up to all of the Valentine’s Day hype. He was a hopeless romantic and very skilled at the Wow factor of Valentine’s Day. But, when it came to commitment and marriage – well let’s just say it’s a good thing I didn’t marry him because, that relationship too, would have ended in divorce.

Fortunately, this will be a fairly inexpensive divorce. We won’t be hiring any divorce attorneys, fighting for any divorce settlements or filing any divorce papers. In fact this article is specialized divorce advice for women, only. Divorce Yourself From Valentine’s Day and save everyone a lot of trouble.

While researching this topic I discovered that there are many Valentine Scrooges out there – men and women alike. In fact, I’m not anti-Valentine. It is more accurate to say that I believe it is silly to wait for a certain day and then pine away for a gift or symbol of your significant other’s love.

And, the fact is that I am not the President of this Club. No, there are so many of us women that get our expectations violated because our partner’s idea of a Valentine’s Day gift does not live up to the hype.

Why Divorce Yourself From Valentine’s Day? I don’t mean to sound like an unromantic poop but, if I had a dollar for every year I passively/aggressively wished for a fabulous Valentine’s Day gift and was disappointed…well, you know the rest. No really, why do you want to set you and your partner up for failure? Wouldn’t it be much nicer if you could ask for, and get, what you wanted?

How Do You Divorce Yourself From Valentine’s Day? Easy, tell your partner exactly what you want. If you want a 7-course meal at a 5-star restaurant, then say so. Don’t wait for them to present you with the standard box of Russell Stover’s Chocolates, and then get pissed until next Valentine’s Day because you didn’t get what you wanted. Instead, why don’t you marry yourself to the idea that you can get exactly what you want, it’s completely affordable, it screams “you”, and doesn’t disappoint upon opening.

How Do I Get What I Really Want? Have a conversation with your partner and set some boundaries. For instance, you both pledge to spend no more than $25 on a Valentine’s Day gift. Then, make a list of things you want within the agreed upon price range, and exchange it with your partner. In this way you’ve accomplished two things.

First, you’ve taken all of the stress, guess work and yes, some of the romanticism (but not all of it) out of the mix. You’ve replaced it with a guarantee that your expectations will not be violated this year. Instead, you are going to receive something you really want which, if we are honest, is two-fold: (1) the effort required to go and buy you a present and (2), that fabulous bottle of perfume you’ve been wanting since Christmas.

These principals can be applied to single ladies as well. Instead of pining away for a significant other to buy us the perfect, heartfelt, romantic gift, why don’t you treat yourself? Sounds simple and easy, right?

That’s because it is!! I’ve scoured the web over the last couple of days looking for Divorce Yourself from Valentine’s Day gift ideas. Let me tell you, this wasn’t easy. Fortunately, I am tenacious and I came up with three really cute and fun Divorce Yourself From Valentine’s Day gifts.

First, if you’re still angry over your recent breakup or divorce, the just right gift for you is this little guy.

He comes in several different colors (black, silver, pink, green, red) and is just the right accoutrement to the modern woman’s kitchen. I think he is the perfect tongue- and-cheek tribute to the relationship that didn’t work out.

For the woman who looks modern but thinks traditional, then the ticket for you is this little organizer.

If you’re like me, you’re completely digital but there is that part of you that still wants the little red organizer in her bag. It’s like our security blanket. This one is all tricked out with cute retro pictures dotted with modern satirical humor to remind us that “we are women, hear us roar!” This organizer is inexpensive enough that you can get one for you, your mom and even your favorite girlfriend. Refills will be available at a later date.

For those of us that just want to be loved, or should I say feel loved… For the Incurable Romantics wear this so everyone can see that YOU truly are loved.

So now that you are armed with the confidence to ask for what you want, or at least go out and get it, I wish you the best Divorce Yourself From Valentine’s Day, ever!

Consolata