Economics is the study of scarcity.  In the world there are unlimited wants but limited resources to fulfill those wants.  Therefore, the resources needed to fill those wants, becomes scare or harder to get.

The same is true about your time.  You may have unlimited people you want to help, activities or work that you want to do but, one thing remains constant – there are only 24 hours in a day.  Time is scarce.  For this reason, it is important to define your priorities, and build your personal boundaries to meet those priorities.  If you can do this you can overcome your low self-esteem, feelings of guilt or shame and live a happier more fulfilling life.

There is guilt embedded somewhere deep within the fiber of our people pleaser souls.  Guilt is woven so tightly that no matter how gentle we are with our family friends and/or colleagues– we can’t help but having feelings of guilt and shame when we say, “No.”  At first, saying no might create some feelings of  guilt but, making tough choices today will put you in a happier place tomorrow.

What if you had a way of overcoming this guilt?  Consider if you were guaranteed that by saying “No,” there would be no repercussions.  The person to whom you declared your rejection would have absolutely no hard feelings.  

Think about that for a moment and let the idea of what saying “No” would feel like if there were no negative consequences. 

What if you were guaranteed a free pass and permission to say “No,” then to whom or to what would you say it?  What project would you give up? From what group would you resign?  Of what responsibility would you divest yourself?  Is there a relationship you would end or a date you would break? 

Consider this and your responses carefully.  Perhaps it would be most helpful if you attacked this exercise by making a list.  Split your paper into quarters.  Label each section Work, Family, Friends and Activities.  Fill in things to which you can say “No” under each heading.  Here’s what my list might look like:

 Okay, now that we have a blueprint of things to which we should be saying “No,” next, we need to give ourselves permission to say “No.”  The best way to do this is to take the feelings of guilt and shame out of saying “No,” and prepare gracious and authentic responses for each item on our list.

For instance, I anticipate that at least one of my bosses is going to ask/suggest that I work extra during my Spring Break.  I want to be prepared for their question so I’m not taken off guard and feel obligated to say, “Yes.”

Here’s one scenario.

(Boss) “Consolata, I know your Spring Break is coming up and I thought you might like some extra hours.”

(Consolata) “Boss, I appreciate you thinking of me and offering me the extra hours.  You’re right, I could use the extra money but, I’ve planned to use that extra week to catch up on some personal projects.”  “Thanks again for thinking of me – Ask me again next time.”

Do you see how you can be gentle but firm?  There is no need to apologize, or over explain.  Just be gracious and honest and everything else will take care of itself.

If this approach does not feel natural to you, then maybe using a little humor is more your style. 

Here’s a second scenario:

(Friend) “Hi Consolata, I was wondering if you could babysit for me again on Friday night?

(Me) “Nope, never again as long as I live!”  “No really, I’m afraid I’m not available Friday night.”  “I’m sorry I can’t help you this time.”

You can try out different responses to see which ones feel most natural.  What are some other great responses you can come up with to make ’saying no’ more fun?

The bottom line here is to consider what the worst outcome could be from saying “No.”  Living an authentic life can seem tough. Sometimes there will be unwelcome consequences.

You have to teach people how to treat you.  It takes repeating an activity 31 times in a row to develop a new habit.  Keep practicing saying “No” and over time, your friends and family will come to respect your boundaries and appreciate your graciousness and honesty.

Truthfully, you might lose some friends or get the cold shoulder from your family.  Simply keep in mind that those people are feeling rejected.  They don’t know how to react to you when you stay firm and stick to your personal boundaries. Release yourself from guilt, shame and people pleaser ways.  And, when you feeling yourself teetering on the edge, remember that you are staying true to yourself and putting your priorities first.

I planned to blog about letter writing this week.  I wanted to share some of the techniques I use to lift myself out of an emotional depression.  Letter writing is a valuable alternative healing technique when I need a little relationship therapy or anger therapy and it is still two weeks before my next appointment with my therapist. 

And then today a completely unexpected event happened.  It compelled me to return to my trusted old friend for dealing with grief and find some emotional healing. 

What was this overwhelming event that caused me to invoke my powers of self-help and natural healing?  Well, I’m finding it hard to tell you because you are going to find it silly but, The Toddler’s lizard died today. 

Victoria was a beautiful Leopard Gecko.  She was lavender with muted black spots.  She had a marvelous personality and The Toddler called her lovingly “Bicktoria.”  The Gecko on the insurance company commercial would certainly have fallen madly in love with our beauty, as you can see from her picture.

Bicktoria came to us before The Toddler was born.  She belonged to the son of a friend.  The boy was going to college, and we joked, he couldn’t have girls in his room at school, so she came to live with us.  Bicktoria was The Toddler’s first pet.

I think since I was going to blog about letter writing anyway, it would be a perfect time to demonstrate how to write homage to Victoria in 3 easy steps.

1.  Create a peaceful environment.

When I turn to my letter writing as a means of emotional healing, I find that usually I am struggling with overwhelming physical agitation and my mind is swirling with thoughts and emotions.  Before I can get started putting my thoughts on paper, I need quiet.  I often take a bubble bath to help me relax.  When I step out of my healing waters, I put on some soothing music.  By then, I am relaxed and ready to write.

2.  Begin with simple, expressive phrases.

Begin with simple phrases to express your feelings in the most basic and organic way.  Use phrases like I feel, I want, I wish, I need, I believe…to help you get started.  Don’t worry about form or content for now.  Write your letter as if you are making a list.

3.  Leave Your Anger, Resentments and Grief on the Page.

Letter writing is a form of self-help.  Letter writing is a natural healing mechanism with the purpose of propelling our spiritual growth.  It is cheaper than divorce counseling and more effective than anti-depressants.  Write what you are feeling.  Write it with honesty and gusto.  And, when you are finished writing, leave your anger, resentments and grief, exactly where they lay – on the page.  That’s the point…we write the letter to express our feelings – to get them out so we don’t have to carry that baggage around with us. 

With these 3 Easy Steps you can begin your own emotional healing through letter writing.  Now, I would like to pay homage to our departed Victoria with a short letter for coping with grief of my own.

My Dearest Victoria…

Thank you for uniting me and my husband even when we were falling apart.

I feel sad that you died today.

I feel sad that I had to find you.

I feel afraid to tell The Toddler you are dead.

I will miss seeing you each day.

I will miss hearing The Toddler call you Bicktoria.

I feel glad that we had you with us for a short while.

Thank you for being a part of our family.

Thank you for bringing us pleasure.

Thank you for making us happy.

I believe we will see you in Heaven.

It’s true. This is my first St. Valentine’s Day as a divorced woman. The fact that I am newly single with no sweetheart to grant my Valentine Wish may seem like a downer.  Truthfully, I don’t care that I don’t have a sweetheart for Valentine’s Day. I still have a lot of love in my life.

Instead, I thought it would be fun to do a little Google scavenger hunt on Valentine’s Day. I brainstormed 10 top Google ranked Valentine’s Day phrases.  I typed each in the Google Search and looked at result number 100 for each (10th result on page 10). This is what I found out about Valentine’s Day beyond page one.

1. St. Valentine. Of the 17,900,000 results for St. Valentine, result number 100 offers the history of St. Valentine which is as romantic as the modern Valentine’s Day holiday. In case you did not know, the modern Valentine holiday was derived from the martyred Roman priest, St. Valentine, who illegally performed marriages. Fr. Valentine became the patron of lovers. February became the month for lovers since it was widely believed at the time, that February was the time that birds choose their mates. Red roses are a symbol for martyrs and love, and always a symbol for Venus the goddess of love. The legend and symbols of Valentine’s Day is as intertwined as the mingling of two hearts.

2. Valentine’s Vacations. There are 36,000,000 hits on the Google search for Valentine’s Vacations. There are Valentine’s Day get away packages, Valentine’s Day Inns, Caribbean trips, and even Valentine, Indiana vacation homes. Where in the world is Valentine, Indiana and what kind of vacation can we expect??? Honestly, how much valentine day travel is actually planned for the holiday?

The 100th hit on my Valentine’s Day Vacation Google search yields A Valentine’s Wellness Vacation for Couples and Singles: “The New Relationship– Five Agreements to Make Love Come True”. I’m not sure I would have ever found it had I not been looking, but it sounds fascinating. Sign me up!

3. Valentine’s Day Jewelry. Valentine’s Day jewelry gives up 36,900,000 results on the Google search. Result number one hundred is no longer valid so I skipped on to results number one hundred. This is a simple little buying guide so a certain fella can be sure to buy his Valentine, the perfect Valentine’s Day gift. The key points to the buying guide are: Budget, Size, Style, Gift Wrap. In other words if you’re going to buy jewelry you should know how much you can spend going in to get the most bang for your buck.  It’s important to make sure it fits your gal’s style and don’t forget to wrap – you know how much girls love ribbons and bows. Often times, it’s the little extras that count the most.

4. Valentine’s Day Events. When I searched for Valentine’s Day events, result number 100 provided an amusing list of events put together by a group called Southwest Florida Moms. These events are creative and charming. Perhaps they will provide you with some ideas. The events are as follows:
• A Father/Daughter Valentine’s Day Dance
• A Mother/Daughter Valentine’s Day Tea
• A romantic excursion on a mystery dinner train complete with a strolling violinist.
• Childrens Make a Valentine workshop.
• A program by the local nature conservancy on the attraction of animals in nature.

5. Valentine Wishes. Valentine Wishes provides 67,000,000 Google choices. Choice number 100 is a chat room for gay, lesbian and bisexuals lamenting on their Valentine’s Day wish. Some of the posts were very sad, others were rather blasé and still others were eerily cynical. What is true is that no matter what your sexual orientation, Valentine’s Day touches all of us.

6. Valentine’s Day Poetry. 36,900,000 results for Valentine’s Day poetry. Number 100 is site for Valentine’s Day poetry, prayers and readings for the Christian soul. It seems as though there are unending choices for all of us in need of a soulful Valentine poem. Whether Christian or otherwise, prose to express our lover’s feelings is out there if we have the wherewithal to look for it.

7. Valentine’s Day Décor. 32,400,000 results for Valentine’s Day décor. Number 100 is a DIY site on which someone wants to know if it’s possible to have a Classy Valentine’s Day décor for 2 single adults. Really, are they serious? Upon further inspection it seems that even Martha Stewart was not able to satisfy their need for Classy Valentine décor. Get over yourself! Buy some construction paper, glitter and glue and have fun for goodness sakes.

8. Valentine’s Day Movies. Warner Brothers and the producers for the newly released movie which is the subject of this blog, will be pleased to know their marketing went as deep as number 100 out of 46,100,000 results. I suppose there is much to be said for the press junket!

9. Valentine White. I got 52,200,000 results back when I searched Valentine White. Result number 100 is this creepy anime cat called Lil Valentine White Cat with its Candy Heart Love Art Card. I don’t like that result, and it is my blog….so, I want to tell you about something else I found.

White Day is celebrated on March 14th, in Japan, Taiwan and Korea, one month after our Western Valentine Holiday. Although we jokingly credit Hallmark for the proliferation of our Valentine’s Day holiday, in Japan , White Day is the result of a payback campaign started by the National Confectionery Industry Association. The idea is that the men should payback the women who gave them chocolates on Valentine’s Day. Ergo, White Day – another reason for chocolate. Genius!

10. 14 Days of Valentine’s. Yep, you guessed it. Just like the ubiquitous partridge in a pear tree for Christmas, we have a teddy in a basket of chocolates for Valentine’s Day. Result number 100 for this search is a whole slew of great ideas for long distance lovers. The Long Distance Diva has budget friendly ideas, romantically creative ideas like a Skype date, and ideas for which money is No Object. Why not celebrate this day of romance for two whole weeks – especially if your sweetie is far away. After all, you can never show your special someone too much love, right?

Valentine’s Day has a lot to offer, no matter what your personal footprint is. Be authentic and express yourself in the best way you know how. I hope I’ve demonstrated tfor you that here is many different kinds of Valentine fun out there.  In fact, there is something everyone, if you take a moment and look.

I’ll admit I am incredibly naïve. I joke that I’m always so busy looking out after myself that I don’t notice other people and their ill intent. In fact, I’m not really joking.  I genuinely believe that our “normal balance” is focusing on ourselves and looking out for number one.  That’s where keeping your emotional boundaries with co-workers is important.

I recently had an experience with a co-worker that surprised me. Better yet, I was surprised at my own ability to sniff a rat and protect myself and my emotional boundaries. I never had the strength or the skills to do this in the past. Normally I would have been road-kill before I knew what had happened.

I put myself in the running for an Office Manager’s position at my office. This was a rash decision on my part. I admit I didn’t really think things through. But soon after, my co-worker Suzy began to act differently towards me.

During the first couple of days she was quiet and distant but, I picked up on her change of attitude immediately. Then the weekend came and suddenly on Monday, Suzie is my “best friend”.

Now, she takes time to come by my cubicle to talk to me before we begin work. She’s asking me about how I like my job. She wants to know what I think of the people around the office. You know, kind of gossipy sort of stuff, but looking back, this lady is a pro. She was sucking me in just like a deluxe Rainbow vacuum.  She was chatting me up as if I didn’t notice her attitude toward me had changed.

A couple of days went by – same drill each morning. In the meantime, I made the decision to withdraw my name from consideration for the Office Manager position. Another opportunity presented itself and I decided it was better to  pursue that path.  I didn’t tell Suzie.

The next morning, after I withdrew my name, here comes Suzie again. She took notice that my pictures and some other things were gone from my cubicle. She begins to speak. “Oh Consolata, are you leaving us?”

Imagine her voice in your head. She has a kind of nasal-like whine in her tone. She draws out my name, emphasis on the second, third and fourth syllables…Con-soooo-laaah-taaah.

“No,” I said, “why would you ask me that?”

“Well, I just noticed your cubicle is different,” she remarked. “I just thought you might have found another job.”

“Nope, I’m quite happy here.” “Just doing a little cleaning.”

The next morning, here comes Suzie again.  She comes bopping over to my cubicle and says so sweetly and with a certain amount of pity, “Oh, Consolata, me and Linda (the other girl in the office) are so bummed out you are not going to interview for the Office Manager position.”

“Really?” I say. “How did you know I’m not interviewing?”

“Well, we were just talking about it yesterday afternoon, after you left.”  

“No one should have said anything to you, but since you seem so interested, I’ve decided to go in another direction.”

“Oh,” she whines. “Well we were really excited about having you as our Office Manager.”

“That’s surprising,” I said. “and my interview was confidential. “ “No one should have said anything to you or Linda.” “I’m sorry you found out.”

“Well you know,” she says, “I don’t blame you.” You kind of have to protect yourself around here.”

Then she goes on to tell me how she looks at this job as kind of a temporary place to work and how she can see that I would be unhappy there.  I just kept my mouth shut and let her talk.  Often you can find out a lot just by listening.

I remember leaving work that day with my head reeling from this conversation. I was so happy that I kept my mouth shut and stuck to my boundaries. For once I didn’t say every little thing that came into my head.

And then it dawned on me. This girl has evil intent. She is not your friend Consolata. Beware of Suzie.

My supervisors hired someone after one day of interviews.

Coincidentally, Suzie did not appear at my cubicle the next day. She had nothing left to say, I suppose.

Before I left the office I stopped by her desk. I leaned over close and looked her straight in the eye.
I said to her low and slow, “You know, I think there may be some confusion here. For some reason you think I’m unhappy with my job.”

“Let me set the record straight. I like working here, part-time. This is the perfect job for me. Have a nice afternoon.”
I said good-bye and turned and walked out of the door with my head held high.

Maybe I’m paranoid but I honestly think Suzie was trying to make trouble for me. I’m not sure I would have recognized that a few months ago. Thank goodness with time comes, clarity, wisdom and the self-confidence to stick to our emotional boundaries and handle people with grace and dignity.

I’m a recently divorced woman. When it became clear I could not save my marriage, I made the choice to divorce. Over the last eight months, my emotions have run the gamut from anger, relief, elation, empowerment, anger and yes, even anxiety and depression, and more anger.

Along the way, I think I’ve learned some things about myself, about the emotional process of divorce and a few other surprising discoveries. I am not an expert. I have no formal training, education or credentials but, I am a survivor and if I can do anything to help ease the process, then I am happy to share my breakup advice. After all, I want to help.

I hope that as you read these 10 things not to do when getting divorced, you will find at least one piece of divorce advice that you can take away and incorporate into your life.

1. Learn to forgive – immediately. Chances are your marriage disintegrated because you lost the ability to forgive. If you can forgive, then you can open yourself up to receive help, advice, love and other positive emotions that you won’t be able to process if you are closed off. In other words, imagine your anger as the Great Wall of China – completely surrounding you. At first it may feel safe, but eventually you’ll begin to notice that no one comes to visit. You peek out over the top of the wall and you can see everyone but no one can get inside. You have to open the secret door and let them in. The only way you can unlock the door is to begin to forgive and open yourself up to good things.

2. Don’t run out and get a lawyer. Unless you have a very serious and complicated case, many times, you can work with a pro bono law service. My uncontested divorce cost me $250. Yes, you read that right – $250. I worked with the local Self Help Law Center and prepared all of my own forms, including our parenting plan. Maybe the most important point here is that we put aside all of our ill feelings and we agreed on everything before we filed any papers. If I had to do all of this through an attorney it would have cost me a minimum of $2000. With a little effort and resourcefulness, I saved myself and my ex-husband a boatload of cash!

3. Don’t hang on to married family relationships. This was very hard for me because my husband’s family made up most of my social circle. When I realized that we could no longer be “friends” if felt like someone had reached in and ripped out part of my soul. Just accept, right away, that the family is to protect their own, even though they may still care for you, things cannot be the same. In almost all cases, you won’t be invited to family gatherings (birthdays and Christmas may be exceptions), you won’t be hanging out with your sister-in-laws and no one is going to call and check on you. You will have to form a new network of friends.

4. Don’t be selfish. Keep in mind that the decisions you make should first, always be in the best interest of your children. A good example would be when you son is sick but it’s the other parent’s day to see him. If you are thinking about the best interest of your son, you will forego the visit this week and let him stay in his jam-jams, resting comfortably until he is well. If having “your day” is so important, then arrange to get him an alternate day or some other compromise that makes sense. Don’t inconvenience your son just because it is “your day.” You’ll be raising your children for a long time. In the big scheme of things, one day is not going to make a lot of difference. Be flexible and easy to work with. Everyone wins this way. When you’ve let go of your anger, this unselfish compromise will be much easier.

5. Don’t jump into a new relationship. This is probably the most obvious, and the single most repeated piece of advice you’ve heard from your family and friends. Don’t date when you are getting divorced or soon after. Experts say that you should wait at least one year. This is because you need time to heal, get some perspective and clarity about your role in the break-up of your marriage. Plus, for some time you will be viewing every man you come into contact with through the same filter as your ex-husband. You will also find that you are hypersensitive to the things that were triggers for you and your ex. Until you have let go of all of those old feelings, you won’t be a healthy partner for anyone else.

6. Don’t alienate yourself. Go out. Make friends. Volunteer. Join a group, gym, quilting circle – even if you don’t want to. Spending too much time alone with yourself may give you time for introspection, exercise, house cleaning, yard work or other hobbies but, it also gives you too much time to live alone in your head. You need to be distracted and around other people. You need to learn how to relive your life. You really need to learn how to relate to other people, without anger, in a centered, healthy way. Getting out and around people is the best way to do this.

7. Don’t wear your heart on your sleeve. Simply put, everyone knows you are unhappy. However, you don’t have to share your bad feelings with everyone all of the time. Learn to deal with your feelings in constructive ways like therapy, journaling, letter writing, or even blogging. Be mindful, that everyone around you does not want to constantly hear about your feelings, your divorce or be subjected to your anger. Sometimes, some things are better left to yourself.

8. Don’t alienate your ex-husband. He may be your greatest ally. When I needed a babysitter for a project outside of school, my ex was the first to volunteer so he could spend extra time with his kids. He became an ally because he was willing to help, even though we weren’t together anymore. Don’t be so quick to cut your ex out of your life completely. After all, he is the father of your children. Include him in the decisions that affect your kids like daycare/school, sports activities, doctor’s appointments, etc. Almost always, he will be willing to help if you are reasonable and easy to work with.

9. Don’t become attached to your anger. Your anger is not your friend. It sucks all the energy from you. It will scare away people that love you and leave you alone. It will not soothe your hurts, heal your wounds or bring love into your life. Let it go, as soon as possible. I promise, you will feel better, sooner than if you bore it like the proverbial cross.

10. Don’t think you are emotionally healthy and you can do this all on your own. Get some therapy. Find a support group. I cannot stress this enough. You need to hear feedback from people that are not emotionally attached to you.

I’ll close by saying that I am not naïve. I know that you are hurting. I remember some days my pain was so bad that I couldn’t imagine what it would feel like to be happy again. What is key here is that you change your mind. Forgive, get rid of your anger, find someone to talk to and actively start building a new life.

If you are in the very early stages, of considering a divorce or separation, perhaps you might find this Family Law Secrets site useful and informative.

Don’t be surprised that I’m writing about Valentine’s Day and divorce at the same time. After all, I am recently divorced and wretched Valentine’s Day is coming once again to tease, stress and disappoint most of us.

I’ve only had one man in my life that lived up to all of the Valentine’s Day hype. He was a hopeless romantic and very skilled at the Wow factor of Valentine’s Day. But, when it came to commitment and marriage – well let’s just say it’s a good thing I didn’t marry him because, that relationship too, would have ended in divorce.

Fortunately, this will be a fairly inexpensive divorce. We won’t be hiring any divorce attorneys, fighting for any divorce settlements or filing any divorce papers. In fact this article is specialized divorce advice for women, only. Divorce Yourself From Valentine’s Day and save everyone a lot of trouble.

While researching this topic I discovered that there are many Valentine Scrooges out there – men and women alike. In fact, I’m not anti-Valentine. It is more accurate to say that I believe it is silly to wait for a certain day and then pine away for a gift or symbol of your significant other’s love.

And, the fact is that I am not the President of this Club. No, there are so many of us women that get our expectations violated because our partner’s idea of a Valentine’s Day gift does not live up to the hype.

Why Divorce Yourself From Valentine’s Day? I don’t mean to sound like an unromantic poop but, if I had a dollar for every year I passively/aggressively wished for a fabulous Valentine’s Day gift and was disappointed…well, you know the rest. No really, why do you want to set you and your partner up for failure? Wouldn’t it be much nicer if you could ask for, and get, what you wanted?

How Do You Divorce Yourself From Valentine’s Day? Easy, tell your partner exactly what you want. If you want a 7-course meal at a 5-star restaurant, then say so. Don’t wait for them to present you with the standard box of Russell Stover’s Chocolates, and then get pissed until next Valentine’s Day because you didn’t get what you wanted. Instead, why don’t you marry yourself to the idea that you can get exactly what you want, it’s completely affordable, it screams “you”, and doesn’t disappoint upon opening.

How Do I Get What I Really Want? Have a conversation with your partner and set some boundaries. For instance, you both pledge to spend no more than $25 on a Valentine’s Day gift. Then, make a list of things you want within the agreed upon price range, and exchange it with your partner. In this way you’ve accomplished two things.

First, you’ve taken all of the stress, guess work and yes, some of the romanticism (but not all of it) out of the mix. You’ve replaced it with a guarantee that your expectations will not be violated this year. Instead, you are going to receive something you really want which, if we are honest, is two-fold: (1) the effort required to go and buy you a present and (2), that fabulous bottle of perfume you’ve been wanting since Christmas.

These principals can be applied to single ladies as well. Instead of pining away for a significant other to buy us the perfect, heartfelt, romantic gift, why don’t you treat yourself? Sounds simple and easy, right?

That’s because it is!! I’ve scoured the web over the last couple of days looking for Divorce Yourself from Valentine’s Day gift ideas. Let me tell you, this wasn’t easy. Fortunately, I am tenacious and I came up with three really cute and fun Divorce Yourself From Valentine’s Day gifts.

First, if you’re still angry over your recent breakup or divorce, the just right gift for you is this little guy.

He comes in several different colors (black, silver, pink, green, red) and is just the right accoutrement to the modern woman’s kitchen. I think he is the perfect tongue- and-cheek tribute to the relationship that didn’t work out.

For the woman who looks modern but thinks traditional, then the ticket for you is this little organizer.

If you’re like me, you’re completely digital but there is that part of you that still wants the little red organizer in her bag. It’s like our security blanket. This one is all tricked out with cute retro pictures dotted with modern satirical humor to remind us that “we are women, hear us roar!” This organizer is inexpensive enough that you can get one for you, your mom and even your favorite girlfriend. Refills will be available at a later date.

For those of us that just want to be loved, or should I say feel loved… For the Incurable Romantics wear this so everyone can see that YOU truly are loved.

So now that you are armed with the confidence to ask for what you want, or at least go out and get it, I wish you the best Divorce Yourself From Valentine’s Day, ever!

Consolata

I have shared with you over the past 5 months (rather candidly) my “bête noir” and how I am challenged to deal with my anger.  It has been the monkey on my back for what feels like my entire life.  My anger is at the heart of every failed relationship I’ve ever had.

My rages resembled what some describe as bipolar anger.  That is anger that comes on suddenly coupled with feelings of irritability and annoyance.  I raged.  My anger is one of the primary focuses of my therapy.

I recognized about a year ago that I was completely bereft of any interpersonal conflict and negotiation skills.  All of my personal relationships were failing.

After my husband I split, I was having trouble dealing with my anxiety and disappointment.  I was short-tempered with everyone from my co-workers to my children.  I began searching for any number of avenues to enhance my conflict resolution skills.  Whether it was through online anger management training, or one on one with a therapist for anger management lessons – I knew for sure, I needed outside help. 

Anger comes from a variety of sources.  It acts as an alarm telling us when something is wrong with a situation.  My anger specifically is a byproduct of these emotions:

• Stress-I had two children in 3 years.  Money was tight, work was short and my marriage was failing.
• Fear-I felt hopeless and powerless in my life.  If my marriage ended, what was I going to do?  Where was I going to live?  What would be next for me and my kids?
• Disappointment-my expectations for my life and my marriage were not being met. 
• Frustration-I felt that I was not in control of my life and overwhelmed by my responsibilities and lack of support.
• Life Events-I constantly recalled all of the times my husband let me down.  I lived in the past, a lot.
• Resentment-I felt hurt, rejected and oppressed by my husband and his family.

Unfortunately growing up, I never learned how to cope with my emotions.  I had horrible examples and learned all the wrong things.  I learned that the angry person held all the cards.  I learned that the best way to communicate when angry was to yell.  I learned the greater the drama the bigger the payoff.  I also learned that anger had no boundaries.  When one was angry it was no holds barred – anything goes. 

Imagine growing up in that environment.  It was no wonder I couldn’t control myself.  So now here I am, 40 years of age and we’re going back to basics.  Three easy ways I found to cope with anger are:

1.  Be willing to change the tools in your toolbox.  One of my greatest challenges was how to parent my children.  The only way I knew how to parent was through the example that was set for me which was anger and fear.  Those techniques weren’t working.   I remember that the Toddler had run away from me in a parking lot.  I was yelling and threatening bodily harm but still The Toddler ended up running out in front of a truck.  Luckily it was in a church parking lot so I think God must have intervened but still, I was so angry that I was shaking with rage.  I picked up my child and manhandled The Toddler into the car seat.  The entire time The Toddler was laughing and I was about to uncork.  I wanted to spank the bejesus out of that kid.

When I slammed the car door shut, I was in tears.  I stood outside of the car for a long time trying to think of what I was going to do.  Obviously my way wasn’t working.  I was going to have to find a new set of tools to get my Toddler to respond to me. 

I was at the doctor’s office a couple of days later I found a magazine that outlined some really great techniques for working with your unruly Toddler without fear, shame or humiliation.  I took that magazine home and studied every word.  I began implementing all of the techniques.  Now 6 months later, I am much more calm and relaxed with my kids.  I have a new set of tools that work without fear or anger.  I feel so liberated.

2.  Be authentic and pursue your dreams.  I wrote a post called Authenticity a couple of months ago.  In it I confessed that a lot of my anger stemmed from the fear that everyone would find out I was a fraud.  I had always wanted to get my bachelor degree but felt like I was being judged in my professional circle because I didn’t have a degree.  In fact, I was probably the only one judging me but,  it was causing me a lot of anxiety so I decided to do something about it.  Now I’m a full-time college student and pursuing my dream.  The veil is lifted and I know that I will never have to apologize for being less than I can be.  Instead, I’ve challenged myself to become all that I can be.  It feels great! 

3. Feed your soul.  I volunteer 2.5 hours of my time each week.  I do this through my church but there are many avenues in which you can give a little and receive a lot.  Here’s a few examples:

• Adopt a patient at an assisted living center.
• Read/tutor at the local Boys and Girls Club.
• Volunteer your time at the local food bank.
• Volunteer your time at your children’s school.

Many of us don’t volunteer because we think it will take up too much of our time.  The truth is you can commit to only 1 to 2 hours per week but the good feelings you get last a lifetime.

For me, these changes seem simple but they had a huge affect on my emotional health.  I still get angry, don’t get me wrong,  but I feel like I’m in control now instead of my anger – and that has made a huge difference.

I’m taking part in a 21-Day Detoxification Program offered through the Oprah Daily Thought Newsletter.  The program is led by one of Oprah’s Living Your Best Life Ever partners -Debbie Ford.  I receive an email each weekday as she takes us step-by-step through the detoxification process.

Having access to this program is like having free life coaching.  Debbie Ford may be a little new age for some.  She is definitely a Deep Breathing, Spiritual Healing, Meditation Practicing, Higher-Self Believing, New Age guru.  She is also a national best-selling author of many self-help books including her newest book, The 21-Day Consciousness Cleanse (Harper Collins). I have to admit, I’m a believer in many ways.

Day 4 asks us to write a letter asking ourselves for forgiveness for all the pain, regret, and anger we’ve been hanging on to and asking yourself for release from the “prison” of your resentments, grudges and disappointments.

I really loved going through the process of this exercise.  Almost all of us feel some measure of anxiety and stress in our lives.  Most of those emotions are spurred on by depression, guilt (Christian debt), and lack of personal growth.

The fact is that forgiveness truly sets you free.  Whether you are forgiving yourself, an ex-husband, friend or family member, forgiveness relieves you of all the depression and anxiety you are feeling in your relationships and allows you to heal yourself on an emotionally healthy level.

It’s also great confidence training since you are not always tearing yourself down over your past transgressions.  Instead you are attacking your anxiety and depression head-on with not only kindness but purpose as well.

I believe that you can go through years of marriage and family counseling and spend thousands of dollars on therapists, but if you can’t forgive yourself and others, you will never be able to move out of the darkness of your anger and into the light of freedom.

All of your sessions will be wasted because you first have to be open to “receiving”.  When you are can’t forgive, you create an invisible shield around yourself through which good things can’t penetrate.  You are unable to receive love, happiness or even forgiveness from others.  Instead you are closed off and mired down in anger, pain and resentment.

I recognize this so clearly now that I have some time behind me and perspective on myself during the last days of my marriage.  I was so hurt and angry, it was impossible for me to receive the love that my husband was trying to give me.

Many of you have read my post, Letter To My Husband.

I wrote that letter as an exercise to heal myself.  I needed to get out all of those thoughts and feeling I had pent up inside.  I needed to release my anger and start moving forward.  I didn’t write it with the intention to publish it, but it turns out that sharing the Letter to My Husband was a good decision for me and many of you have found it helpful too.  I think that letter was one of the first turning points in my road to recovery.

What am I trying to recover?  Well, I’m recovering my self-esteem and self confidence.  I’m recovering my independence, compassion and kindness.  I’m recovering my dignity and purpose in life.  I’m recovering myself – before I let all the hurt and anger chew away at all the best parts of me.  The parts people like and fall in love with.

I strongly recommend these letter writing exercises.  Don’t worry.  No one is grading your paper.  No one is looking over your shoulder critiquing your content or pointing out misspelled words.  Make a list, draw a picture, or ask yourself a question – but, get your pencil moving.  You will discover in the end that you have opened a door to your heart for forgiveness and healing.

Besides, at the end of the day – don’t you want to be happier?

I recently sent this letter to a new suitor.  I entered into this relationship against my better judgment.  Turns out, my instinct was right.

I found myself reverting to old patterns and allowing him to breach each emotional boundary I had established.   I am ashamed to admit it but my emotional autonomy was being eroded and many of my emotional dependency issues began to arise.

I began to recognize some familiar head games and could see the mental abuse going on.  My A$$ was getting handed to me and I felt like I was spiraling into an emotional depression.  I felt like retreating.  I knew I had to do something to salvage all the good work I had done over the past 6 months. I resolved to quietly end things on my terms.

As this New Year begins, I thought I would share this letter with all of you, just in case any of my girls out there are feeling they are in the same situation.  Here’s how I ended things.

Dear Lover,

There is a fundamental truth that as each year passes, we change and evolve.  It’s natural and unavoidable.  The question is, in what way do we change and how much do we evolve?

The New Year provides a good time to clean house and get rid of what is not working.  I find it extremely liberating to take stock of the various aspects of my life and see where the imbalances lie.

This process is painful.  One of the distinguishing characteristics of human relationships is that we can quickly develop powerful, and emotional attachments to other people and things.  Sometimes these emotions are misplaced.  When it is time to say good-bye, it often hurts.  Sometimes pain is pain…sometimes pain is growth.  I aim for the latter.

You may have guessed that the attachment that is not working for me is this new “relationship” with you. I find it frustrating, difficult, and it leaves a bitter aftertaste.  I don’t think we are on the same page and I am quite often left feeling foolish.

After my divorce, I made a promise to myself that I would not accept less than mutual value and respect in my relationships. Getting to know one another should be natural and organic.  With you, it feels guarded, reserved and unauthentic.

As I have moved through the last few days, many thoughts have passed through my mind.  Truthfully, my emotions have ranged the gamut, but it is a resolution of mine to always conduct myself with grace and dignity in all of my relationships.

The truth is, this is not the first time you have dropped off the map for a few days, nor is it the first time I’ve felt disappointed.  The result of this realization requires action from me.  I have carefully considered my decision over several days.  It was not made on a whim, or by emotion.

If I am unhappy, then the onus is on me to do something about it.  I don’t intend to make you feel guilty or blame you for why I am not getting my needs met.  The fact is that I am not, and it is time to move on.

In closing, I sincerely wish the best for you, your children and your business.  I feel confident that each of us will find the partner best suited for us when the time is right.

Best regards,

Consolata

I don’t know if I will hear from him again, or if I do, what he will say.  It doesn’t really matter.  I said my peace and I feel good about myself and how I ended things.  I feel emotionally powerful and healthy.

In sum Ladies, don’t forget that you have the power to change your circumstance and improve your emotional well being.  Don’t accept poor treatment.  Don’t compromise your emotional boundaries in your relationships.  Don’t accept excuses that don’t seem real.  And most importantly, don’t be a victim.

As a powerful woman, you can set your own emotional boundaries.  You can make the rules.  You can change your mind.  And, you can say good-bye with your grace and dignity in-tact.

Do you know what I think of when someone mentions New Year’s resolutions to me?   I think of Goals.  People that make New Year’s resolutions, have Goals.  If you don’t have a resolution for 2010, then in my opinion you are without Goals.  In other words, you have given up and you have resigned yourself to one of two ideas:

1.  You are perfect and there is no further life planning that you wish to do.

2.  You’ve given up and therefore there is no point in setting Goals.

To me, the word Resolution is a euphemism for the word Goal.  There must be something about yourself you want to improve or something you want to achieve.  Typically an evolved person wants to enrich themselves and thereby enrich those around them.

The problem is that we always seem to fall short of our Goals.  Maybe it’s because we don’t invest enough of ourselves in our Goals.  Maybe we set ourselves up to fail because we are not smart about the planning tools we choose to execute our New Year’s resolution.  Here’s why I think we fail:

• We don’t take the time to concisely state our Goal.
• We can’t measure our progress.
• We make our Goals too big and/or broad.
• We don’t have the tools we need to be successful.
• We don’t make ourselves accountable for our progress.

When thinking about the topic for this blog piece I returned to my business training.  A fundamental part of strategic planning is setting Goals for the company in the following year.  Why not use this same method in our personal lives?

One of the most popular goal setting tools is the SMART method.  SMART stands for:

Specific

Measureable

Achievable

Realistic

Time-based

Why is this method more likely to work over simple will power?  Let’s take a look at each element and apply it to an almost universal New Year’s resolution – “I want to lose 25 pounds by summer”.

1.  S is for Specific: This first step is key to your success.  Your Goal should Specifically describe the result that you want to achieve.  The more specific, the more likely you will achieve your Goal.  It is also advisable to state smaller objectives to achieve the larger Goal.  We have the larger umbrella Goal of losing 25 pounds by summer – but that is too big.  Break it down into smaller, achievable segments for greater success.  So for instance, instead of saying “I want to lose 25 pounds by summer,” you can list your objective as “I am going to lose 10 pounds by April 1^st”.

2.  M is for Measurable: We’ve broken down our Goal into a specific-bite-size objective.  Now let’s address our second factor which is Measureability.  We must be able to gauge our progress or it will be impossible for us to know whether or not we are meeting our objective.  This Goal will be easy to measure in pounds per week and pounds per month.  If you can’t measure your progress, then you need to restate your objective.

3.  A is for Achievable: The next important factor to setting Goals is that they must be easily Achievable. Our objective is to lose 10 pounds by April 1^st.  We know that it is completely achievable with proper diet and exercise.  It is well documented that you can lose 1-2 pounds per week.  At that rate you can expect it to take approximately 5-10 weeks to achieve our first objective.  To ensure our success, we have given ourselves a little wriggle room and extended this period to 12-1/2 weeks.  In this way, we can factor in missteps, birthday parties, workout injuries or other reasons that you may not lose at least 1 pound per week. You have not boxed yourself into an overly stringent objective that is more likely to cause you stress and cause overeating rather than ease and peace of mind that you will achieve your Goal.

4.  R is for Realistic: This leads into the next factor—Realistic. Realistic Goals are potentially challenging but not so challenging that the chance of success is small.  Make sure that when you are setting up your Goals that you have the tools you need to achieve them.  If you don’t have any means to workout, then it is unlikely that you will be able to lose more than one pound per week.  It’s best if you can set yourself up for success before you state your objective.  In this case we are trying to lose weight – so what do we need to reach that Goal?  Perhaps you need a food scale, gym membership or home gym equipment.  Christmas is a great time to ask for these things and then you are set to begin on January 1.  Said another way, realistic Goals can be accomplished with the tools that you have at your disposal.

5.  T is for Time-based: The final factor is Time.  We didn’t just say we want to lose weight, or we want to lose weight by summer – we broke it down into a manageable time period that makes our Goal real and concrete.  This date is also a good time to review your progress and set up the next objective.  This keeps you accountable for your progress and the achievement of your Goals.

I know this Goals management seems very structured and clinical.  The fact is that you are right but, it also takes into account all the reasons why we fail at achieving our Goals.  I challenge you to try this approach and let me know if it worked for you and if it did not, tell me why not.

By the way, my Goal for 2010 is to become more committed to my workout program. I want to work out using my Gazelle and Fitness Ball consistently 3 times per week, by April 1^st.  I’ll let you know how well I’m doing on my Goals too.