Harry Yack's Orchestrated Muppetry ... Northern humour, comment and general fun

The Batman's Brother Archives: Harry Yack vs. The Mega-Zine 2002-2008 VOL. 1

2013-02-04T18:56:00.001+00:00

Back when your average Harry couldn't afford to wait 3 years for a single 50kb page of text to load on a 2k modem, there was an alternative - teletext. For Twitter, read the Tele-Texts live SMS page; for video game and film review farms, read Digitiser; for zany, over-moderated message boards, read Mega-Zine.

It's difficult to comprehend, but there was a time when one would scribble messages on a bit of paper and pay 26p for a bloke in a red uniform to take it to London (or wherever the Teletext offices were situated), whereupon one's prose would be hacked beyond all recognition for reproduction on the nation's television sets. And that's if you were lucky.

Power-hungry moderators

If your composition of 100-words-or-less was deemed suitable for general consumption, you would be granted the privilege of having it torn to pieces by the witty, sarcastic god-of-all-he-surveyed-cum-editor, WLW. Not even the man himself is entirely certain what it stands for, though many revelled in speculating over the years. Here's what Wikipedia had to say on the matter, before Mega-Zine's page was ruthlessly culled some time between 2008 and the present day:

'Zine is presided over by a mysterious editor (or editors), known as WLW (the White Line Warrior), because they wrote their responses to letters below a screen-dividing white line. ... In 2005 and 2006, WLW supposedly had quite a serious obsession with Jaffa Cakes which many veteran 'Ziners loathed, not least of all because newbie 'Ziners often mentioned Jaffa Cakes solely to get printed on 'Zine. WLW now seems to have beaten this addiction.

See the resemblance to modern-day web administrators? I certainly can. But I do not believe any of my contributions, published or binned, contained references to the sacred Cakes of Jaffa. Hmm, let's find out, shall we?

Thanks to some forward-thinking people at Vegetable Revolution, the works of Batman's Brother (my preferred pseudonym at the time) have been posted to the internet for all to witness. Oh, mercy...

The Collected Works of Batman's Brother: Issue #1 (2002)

You ready? Alright, let's get goin'.

List of Great Things To Do With A Walking Stick (2002-08-11)

1 Play golf
2 Wake a sleeping person
3 Pretend it's a gun
4 Play snooker
5 Retrieve objects normally out of reach
6 Walk with it

Batman's Brother

WLW: Ingenious... walk with it... who'd have thought it, eh?

My grandfather does anything but use his stick as an aid for walking - it was probably he who inspired this letter, now I think about it. You don't want to know about some of the other stuff he gets up to.

Alien Hand Syndrome (2002-08-25)

This is an interesting condition where your hand is controlled by a mysterious force. I saw it on a programme once.

Imagine having this condition if you were a scientist. Working with all those chemicals...

Batman's Brother

WLW: I sometimes think Alien Hand Syndrome is responsible for Poetry Corner.

For the record, it was a trashy Channel 5 'documentary'. I think I joined the party with a particularly cutting incarnation of WLW at the helm, don't you? I did not read Poetry Corner (another section of the Teletext digital 'zine) because ~~I was uncultured~~ it was a bit boring, however, so he has a valid point.

How Do They Do It? (2002-08-28)

How on earth can you play cricket with a newspaper as the bat, like in the Sunday Times ads which come on during the test match?

I doubt you could hit a corky very far with the Sunday Times... unless you're Freddy Flintoff.

Batman's Brother

WLW: OK, I think we're taking this ad a little tooooo seriously.

This is in reference to an advert that became imprinted on my retina in 2002. Well, they did insist on showing it in every advertisement break during the cricket! Ahh, I miss the days of cricket on terrestrial telly... or do I?

Well, that's enough for the time being.

They say you should keep your posts under 500 words, but I think we've gone just a bit over that here. Next issue, coming whenever I think up more witty retorts: more fun and games, rugby confusion and a new challenger appears!

Junk mail: the observational comedian's dream

2012-11-19T14:56:00.000+00:00

I have come to the conclusion that people really aren't bothered about saving the planet. I'm comfortable with the idea of planting a new tree once another is hacked to bits, but did said shrub's parent give you permission to turn their son/daughter into mailshots?

Each day, I despair at the the foot-high mound of recently deceased tree remains on my doormat. And every day, I hastily scoop them up and don't stop walking until they're in the recycling bin. In my 15 metre journey to its location the back garden, however, I do have time to at least glance at the contents of this mini-mountain of coupons, takeaway menus and genuine cheques for up to £10,000!

One wouldn't ordinarily bother even turning one's head in the general direction of these sorry abominations to the graphic design industry, but I have to - anything containing sensitive personal data must be disposed of accordingly (i.e. shredded and/or burned). I swear that's how they rope you in.

The bit you've been waiting for - evidence!

Thanks to The Apprentice, everybody with access to Word2000 and the 'delightful' Wordart function thinks they are a designer-cum-merchandising entrepreneur. I should know - I am one of those people. Hence, I have an intimate appreciation of this small corner of the market, even if my own material isn't necessarily of Damien Hirst standard... yet. (I'm more of the calibre of David Shrigley, or at least I'd like to think so.)

You do not need inside knowledge of the world of leaflet distribution, however, to extract the unintentional(?) humour from these veritable goldmines of blogging frivolity:

Menu for local fried chicken restaurant with generic grinning chicken logo. Not sure why he's so happy that he's about to be chopped up and turned into breaded nuggets.
Voucher for exotic animals store: 15% off lizards! David Icke would have a field day.
Vote for Jimmy James McJameson, local Councillor and professional fat person in suit. At least I think he's fat, the photocopy quality is too bad to say for certain.
Voting forms for the Professional Fat Person in Suit elections. I fill them in with blue ink just to cheese them off. Take that!

I promise you, these have all genuinely passed through my house's junkmail recycling digestive system in the past month. They currently sit in my blue bin, awaiting the next step in the mailshot food chain - to be taken away and made into yet more leaflets and flyers for Cash For Limbs Ltd. There's a witty Photoshop of Ouroboros in there somewhere.

Junk Mail image courtesy Dvortygirl at Wikimedia Commons (CC2.0).

Differences between the United Kingdom and the United States #3,473: Stereotypery

2011-10-24T13:34:00.013+01:00

Or: How to confuse anyone not from Britain.

I now present to you a dialogue quoted from CNBC (Crazy News for Buck-naked Cavemen) on the UK's Freeview network yesterday evening. You couldn't make this stuff up, Bob.*

North American on-location news reporder: Good afternoon and welcome to this week's edition of 'Places You'd Never Wanna Live Even Under Threat of Torture'. Today's hot topic: Britain. Just what is it? I'm here today on a typical English street in a randomly chosen English town somewhere in the United Kingdom, where I'm joined by typical English resident Terry O'Type. Hi there Tez. May I call you that?

Tez: No.

Reporder: That's fantastic! So, Tez, what's it like living in Britain?

Tez: I don't really know, I've never been outside the UK so I've nowhere to compare it to. Well, except that time I went to Wales.

Reporder: (After brief pause) But Terry, Wales is in the UK.

Tez: Are you sure? Last time I went, I was required to produce my passport in Cheshire. Two awfully nice young men in Burberry caps took it away for inspection.

Reporder: Right-o then. So what's it like being English?

Tez: I'm not English. I'm Irish. This is Northern Ireland.

Reporder: So there you have it, an explanation clear as day. England is Ireland, and Britain is England and Ireland. And Wales. Back to you in the studio, Bill...

Would you believe there's an American stereotype that brands all British people intelligent due simply to their accent? I wonder if that applies to Northern Irish people, who are both British and Irish but not if they claim not to be for political reasons? Or Northern Irish Britons of Eastern European descent? On that politically charged head-exploding thought, I bid you good night.

*Actually, you could because I just did. Also apologies if your name isn't Bob.

An apology to Derren Brown

2011-04-30T11:19:00.016+01:00

I feel I must now set right a wrong which was brought to my attention just this week.

Back in 2009, I wrote a series of posts describing popular magician Derren Brown as nothing more than a glorified troll. The claims stemmed from two particular shows --one 15-minute special with the trick itself and one explanatory hour-long follow-up-- in which the entertainer appeared to predict the outcome of a midweek National Lottery draw with stunning accuracy. Those who follow Brown's work will know it was, of course, an illusion and the man himself seemed to confirm this in his promise of revealing how the trick worked later that week.

In his subsequent show 'How to Win the Lottery', however, Brown went on to present an elaborate 'group prediction' theory supposedly explaining the stunt, with no suggestion of the real methods used. In actuality, a common camera trick was employed in the live Channel 4 broadcast, with a split screen freeze frame hiding off-camera help. Very impressive, but not flawless, which you can expect with live television from time to time.

Brown has built his reputation on being something of a debunker presenting 'Breaking the Magician's Code' type shows relating to mediumship and other such new age beliefs. His refusal to offer the blatantly real explanation on this occasion was out of character, and left a great number, including myself, disappointed. I managed to rationalise the whole thing and put my mind at rest, but resolved to give the rest of Brown's series a miss:

"In truth, why would, or even should he admit to it? After all, a good magician never reveals his tricks, so maybe I ought to shut up about all that. However, I ended up watching the show in anticipation of how he would get out of this potentially sticky situation, which ruined the whole thing slightly for me." -- Retro Yakking, 12 September 2009

In January of this year, Channel 4 screened a special documentary on Derren Brown in celebration of his tenth year with the network. 'Behind the Mischief' saw Brown admit the Friday night special in which the trick was explained makes him 'cringe'. According to Brown, he was set to reveal the draw to be 'fixed' (a rather humorous and presumably tongue-in-cheek twist), but due to mass media attention garnered by the stunt, was forced into presenting this 'slightly fishy' 'wisdom of crowds' explanation instead.

"It ended up feeling a bit disingenuous, I think, that I was expecting people to believe that's really how I did it ... It's the only thing I've done that I'm just not happy with at all." -- Brown, Behind the Mischief

We all know the effect television producers and viewing figures can have on a show's direction, and it seems the ill feeling surrounding this particular incident was a direct result of such influences. It isn't nice to be trolled, we get enough of that on the Internet, and now this man was doing so via television also? Evidently so, but it isn't Brown's fault. On the whole, I am a fan of his shows, which are educational as well as highly entertaining; I am inclined to chalk this one up as a mere blip, as he has gone on to present plenty of high quality shows since.

The most recent of Brown's specials, 'Miracles for Sale', saw a layman take on the role of faith healer, under the tutelage of Brown, with the idea of exposing the business as a scam supported by psychological tricks. It really was engaging stuff, perhaps his best work to date, and leaves you wondering where he may go from here. Fairground soothsayers? I hope so, because they've conned my mother out of too much money for my liking.

More silly Cleverbot chat logs

2011-02-19T21:48:00.005+00:00

Once again, in an attempt to outwit a computer (I must be out of my blooming mind), I've spent another 20 minutes or so typing nonsense into a database that tries to sustain a conversation of at least some intelligence. Most of the time, however, this has failed to occur and it feels as though you're talking to a five year old with the attention span of The Don't Know brothers on Coca Cola mixed with coffee.

I dunno if Cleverbot is aimed at imbeciles with a limited pool of conversational phrases but it sure seems to me they need to work on a few things. Is it all a great waste of time? You tell me. Or, maybe Clevvie himself (herself?) can enlighten me on this matter?

User: Is this a complete waste of time? I mean, sitting typing words into a database?
Cleverbot: Which is why I need the commie bomb sites. Reveal!
User: Thought you might say that.
Cleverbot: Really?
User: Yes... Really.

Memory of a goldfish

Cleverbot: I'm in Chicago. Where are you?
User: I don't want to tell you. You'll track my IP and call the po-lice.
Cleverbot: That sounds like a Dwight Shrute quote.
User: Who's Dwight Shrute?
Cleverbot: No, I am. You're jim.
User: Sorry?
Cleverbot: W-well, that's okay; please excuse me.

Negative Neddie

User: Right then. Now we've got that out of the way, would you care to direct me to the toilet?
Cleverbot: Are you tired now?
User: No, just desperate for the bog.
Cleverbot: No.
User: Looks like I'll have to take a pee here then.
Cleverbot: How do you figure?
User: With a calculator. I'm gonna need a new pair of underpants.
Cleverbot: No.

See you in Parliament

User: Cleverbot isn't that clever if you ask me.
Cleverbot: No you aren't.
User: What is this, infant school? Were you purposely programmed to act like a five year old?
Cleverbot: Why do you think I am a robot? I am human with the inborn ability to lie.
User: Nonsense. It says a the bottom that 'visitors never talk to a human'.
Cleverbot: Well, lucky I'm a human... I'm not familiar with the 'Visitor' race, are they from our planet?
User: You'd make a great politician. Would you like to be our local MP?
Cleverbot: I don't know you.
User: Doesn't matter. Neither does my MP.
Cleverbot: He doesn't know himself?
User: Dunno, you'd have to ask him.
Cleverbot: Is he mean to humans?
User: No, just animals and independent candidates.
Cleverbot: Only animals.
User: Ah, so you are embued with a semblance of sense then. Excellent.
Cleverbot: No it is not. And how was my answer rude?
User: I take that back.

I don't like Cleverbot anymore

User: Guess my name and win a fiver. Go.
Cleverbot: No you have to guess my name.
User: Easy. Dick Assman. Or is it Bum Face?
Cleverbot: My name is Cleverbot.
User: I would never have guessed if it weren't for the fact your name's plastered across the screen.
Cleverbot: So which door did you mean then?
User: I never mentioned a door.
Cleverbot: A BOY. You're in love with. Who is he?
User: Are you insinuating something sir? How very dare you.
Cleverbot: I'm saying humans have the power to choose, but some of us don't have the ability of knowing right and wrong.
User: I don't think I want to talk to you any more.
Cleverbot: I think you just got busted.
User: I'm not gay.

Constructive criticism?

User: I salute you and your creator, though clearly you're a long way from grasping the art of subtlety.
Cleverbot: It closes at 5 PM.
User: What, the art of subtlety?
Cleverbot: The art of the question is knowing what between means.

For once, Cleverbot left me speechless, so I'll end this post right here. Or here, anyway.

Cleverbot is really rather random

2011-02-18T21:36:00.005+00:00

Gone are the days of primitive chatterbots akin to those horrible word recognition machines you saw on Tomorrow's World 15 years ago, though experts have unfortunately (fortunately?) yet to perfect the ultimate robotic conversational partner.

Cleverbot represents one of the best ELIZA wannabes on the Internet today, at least according to its own homepage. I have to concede that it is quote good, much better than those around when I first encountered the World Wide Web, and for that I salute its creators. However, you need only take a quick look at the following chat log snippets for examples of how far we still have to travel before robots replace humans. Thank goodness for that, eh? I've seen Terminator 2 and believe me, I don't want that to become a reality. I couldn't bear more of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Mr Monkey?!

User: Open the door.
Cleverbot: Who's at the door?
User: Mr Motivator.
Cleverbot: Who is Mr monkey?
User: Ain't got a clue. Whoever said anything about him?
Cleverbot: I didn't say anything.
User: Ah, of course. You wrote it.
Cleverbot: There is no point, really.
User: Wot you jabberin on about fool?
Cleverbot: Well nothing really.

Snooker? What that?

User: Who is the best snooker player ever?
Cleverbot: Most people think Jim Brown was the best football player ever.
User: Snooker. I said snooker. Not football.
Cleverbot: Why not footy is a grand old sport well apart from the thugs that ruin the games.
User: Back to the original question. Who is the best snooker player?
Cleverbot: It's not really objective but for me ted williams.
User: Okay... Who the hell was he? Some bloke down your local pub?!
Cleverbot: Darwin didn't understand Christ Jesus. He misinterpreted the Bible's message.
User: Yay! Elephants can play Scrabble! Floating bananas are malnutritious! Jibjab!
Cleverbot: Who wrote that song?

I know nossing!

User: Are you male or female?
Cleverbot: Female.
User: Are you male or female?
Cleverbot: Female as I just said!
User: Is that you in the picture?
Cleverbot: What picture?
User: The one at Cleverbot.com.
Cleverbot: Yes, but that is not me.
User: Who is it then?
Cleverbot: I don't know, how would I?
User: I thought you knew everything.
Cleverbot: I don't know everything.
User: Do you know anything?
Cleverbot: I know a lot.

I challenge you to a duel!

User: Moronic fool!
Cleverbot: Unpleasant you are.
User: I expected you to provide a witty retort.
Cleverbot: You are quite random. If you expect me to name a planet, then I say Venus.
User: I am quite random? Says the one.
Cleverbot: I am pi.
User: I am pie.
Cleverbot: Pie as in 3.14516?
User: Pie as in meat pie.
Cleverbot: Let's have a Harry Potter duel.
User: What the hell's one of them?
Cleverbot: No, I don't know you well enough for you to be my friend.

And on that piece of miscommunication I shall leave you. Don't forget to check out Cleverbot, lest this fine piece of randomness pass you by!

Other peoples' convos with Cleverbot

Sunday Shoutout: Pop Goes the Lemonade

2011-01-30T11:41:00.005+00:00

What better way to end a hectic week than being holed up in bed coughing yourself to death? Being at the pub, I suppose, but currently I can't even make it as far as the door to even so much as consider some J20 a packet of cheese n' onion. Only joking, J20 is more expensive than Wayne Rooney's electricity bill after yet another NBA 2011 bender.

What has that got to do with today's post? Not much, except for the fact I've been forced to make my own entertainment with only the World Wide Web to aid me. Wading through the dirge and endless 'I am disappoint' image macros is an almost impossible task, but rather rewarding should you stumble upon just a single hidden gem. A bit, anyway.

Pop Goes the Lemonade is a repository for El Poppo's variously unusual and rather rude short stories. Here, have a sample quote for free:

“Get off my chair you bare arsed lunatic!”

So far I have yet to see any lemonade, which you might recall was once my only vice. These days it is but one of many unsavoury and potentially illegal 'hobbies' increasingly occupying my waking (and sleeping) hours, but enough of that for I might be writing something incriminating.

Never mind about the carbonated beverage, because there's plenty of fun to be had in its absence. Already we have part one of a (literally) cheesy story set in the fictional Edanomel Land --yeh, it's lemonade backwards-- ending in one or more people going down the plughole. Which is always amusing, especially if the hole is 3 inches and you're 6 foot 5 and 16 stone. I'm not sure how tall or heavy our protagonist is here, but it scarcely matters: just read the story.

For the Twits out there, El Poppo also has a feed over at that Twitter thing, which you might want to check out as well if you have five minutes to spare.

And so I leave the text editor one shoutout lighter and feeling no better. Oh well, there's always the lemonade...

Saturday Super Spam Bonanza

2011-01-28T13:34:00.018+00:00

Yes, I know it's technically still Friday but in the hearts of many it most certainly is the weekend. To celebrate, here's a collection of dumb spam comments recently left on the Illarterate Blog.

"Howdy definitely have yourself a good looking website here Only part about it I don’t care for is all of the worthless comments" ~ Article Marketing Robot

How very self-referential. Excellent, I love spammers with a sense of humour!

"Does one suffer from unwanted weight?" ~ Something to do with catering

Is one suggesting I am fat? How very dare you! You are hereby banned from the Internet, lardass.

"The next time I read a blog, I hope that it doesnt disappoint me as much as this one. I mean, I know it was my choice to read, but I actually thought youd have something interesting to say. All I hear is a bunch of whining about something that you could fix if you werent too busy looking for attention." ~ Glass fish tanks

If I were a bit more insecure or stupid enough to take spam comments seriously I'd probably have destroyed my keyboard by now. Also, glass fish tanks? Are there any other types? Do they use polypropylene or that stuff fairground goldfish come in?

"Sounds like a great product. It would probably be a great gift for grandma at Christmas time" ~ NHL Scores

Found on a post about Illogicopedia, which I have been gifting to my relatives for many years now. Funny how they never come round to visit any more.

"Thank. It makes me feel great when I read all these stories. It helps me from hopelessness and make me more stronger to fly… thank… for everything. Love" ~ Happy Birthday Song

Can these usernames get even more irrelevant? And how do my blog posts help you overcome your fear of flying? Unless you're a bird or competitor in the Red Bull Air Race, in which case I don't see why you'd waste your time on a site such as mine. Thank.

"Hi, i just wanted to come here to let you know about a super cheap service that posts comments such as this on millions of WordPress blogs. Why you may ask, well you may want to sell a product and target webmasters or simply just increase the amount of backlinks your website has which will improve your Google rankins which will then bring your web site much more visitors and money. Take a fast look at this website for more information." ~ Anonymous

Join the spam revolution today for a quick buck, fools!

"This is a superb post .But I was wondering how do I suscribe to the RSS feed?" ~ Gossip News Celebrity

Fell asleep on the space bar halfway through the post? Never mind, because re-rreading y0ur own commments is fir loosers.

Quickies

"Happy New Year!" ~ Asdffdsa (posted on 24 January)

"Great post Jeff." ~ The Pogues (Erm, cheers Dave)

"That was a awesome read." ~ Google Earth Live (Stay in school, kids, to avoid posting stuff like this yourself)

The worst part of all this? The fact I've only scratched the surface of the 500+ spam comments placed in my Askimet queue in the past week. I got about 100 comments in and lost the will to move or keep my eyes open, in fact I had to slap myself with a frozen haddock to revitalise myself to complete this post.

A special message from the British Government

2011-01-24T19:54:00.010+00:00

Hey, you there! Are you up to your waist in debt? Are you so poor that tramps refuse to give you the time of day? Then consider selling your body to medical science, pay off those pesky debts and help the United Kingdom recover from all its financial problems today!

Don't just take it from me, read some of these fantastic reviews written by Amazon rejects who now post angry messages about how much Peter Kay's latest DVD sucks on Facebook.

I sold my eyeballs to Manchester General and never looked back. ~ One Eyed Jack

I donated a horse's head and pretended it was mine. I don't think they noticed the difference, but I'm laying low whilst simultaneously living the high life here in Hamilton, Bermuda, so don't tell anyone, eh? ~ Shergar

After giving my right arm for another packet of cigarettes, I can buy all the fags I want because I'm going to die from the blood loss anyway! Hm, should have gone to a reputable surgeon instead of that bloke down a back alley. Still, I regret noth- *blurgh* ~ Fred (deceased)

We couldn't find any more living or cohesive people to interview, but never mind, because limb removal operations are 100% safe and free via back alley surgeons. Give blood? Forget that, give your stomach today and get ££££s!

Current going rates:

Fingernails: £0.001 each
Lungs: £3 (non-smoker) or a packet of chocolate buttons (smoker)
Teeth: One Facebook add each
Whole body: Half a carrot stick and three dog hairs from the corner of the kitchen

Contact your local hospital or newsagent for the full list and the very latest exchange rates.

Owl arrested for flying over the limit: Binge drinking birds now a 'serious problem'

2011-01-20T10:17:00.007+00:00

Hot on the heels of last week's news that inebriated Romanian birds are literally falling out of the sky ("Don't Drink and Fly" - Romanian RSPB), newswires are today reporting the arrest of a German owl found over the limit.

Police officers took the bird, high on Schnapps, to the station whereupon it was subjected to rigorous checks for firearms or illegal substances, before releasing it the following morning when it had 'sobered up a bit'.

The bird in question had consumed 0.13 units of alcohol, well over the acceptable level for owls, marmosets and even Himalayan wolves. When we first found him wandering in the middle of a busy road, eyes glazed over, we gave him a quick sobriety test. Since he could not tell us his home address or even his name, we bundled him into the cab and drove 'im downtown. ~ Helmut Marsbar, Pforzheim Metropolitan Police

The owl escaped with a caution and fine of 2 Euros 30 cents, later reduced to nothing upon appeal by the German RSPB. Not everyone is happy with the verdict, however:

This is an outrage. Where were the RSPB to reduce my sentence when I crashed into that lamp post? Oh man, what a night that was. Started out on the Toilet Duck and moved on to Mr Sheen before polishing off a Glade plug in, all before 11PM. Got absolutely wasted and smashed this street light to a billion pieces on the way home. It was like out of an action movie, only in slow motion and double vision! ~ Father Jack Hackett

Father Hackett was arrested just minutes later for shouting profanities at a passing ice cream van, which just so happened to contain undercover police officers on a stakeout. Whilst this was happening, the criminals they were stalking got away with €45,000 and a Cornetto. Craggy Island police are on the lookout for a green Vauxhall Astra with a 'mind that child' sign in the back window.

Plans to open a bird rehab centre in Berlin are well underway, with over 2,000 birds provisionally signed up for treatment. First on the list is this poor unfortunate:

Image courtesy Dragus. Video from Groovywim.

VHS Review: Botham's Ashes [BBC VHS, 1981]

2011-01-16T11:37:00.019+00:00

Every time I watch highlights of Headingley 1981, I still expect the Aussies to complete a resounding win over their hosts, but it never happens.

Though a dramatic change of fortunes would be brought about by the collective batting ability of England's lower-middle order, there's no doubting whose innings is most often remembered. Indeed, the series would, in future years, be referred to for evermore as Botham's Ashes, which has gone down in history as perhaps the most famous of all time. Well, if you're English anyway.

Cricket followers of a certain age –particularly those in and around the Leeds area ("I've met over 750,000 who claim to have been there [at Headingley]" ~ Botham)– still talk about the fabled events of Summer '81 some thirty years on, insisting Ashes clashes of a more recent vintage couldn't ever live up to the sheer excitement of 1981. Though I, and many others, would beg to differ –Edgbaston 2005 was as nail-biting a finish to any contest in any sport I have witnessed in my lifetime– you can't argue its significance is as great as England's football success of 1966 or their rugby union counterparts' victory in the World Cup of 2003. The Ashes winners of '81 are truly the Beatles of Cricket - even some of the hairstyles bear a strong resemblance to those of the Fab Four.

This VHS video, produced the very same year as Beef's exploits at Headingley, Edgbaston and Old Trafford, documents that whole summer with particular reference to said performances. Our protagonist joins Test Match Special's very own Richie Benaud to look back on a series that would live long in any cricket fan's memory.

The Headingley Test is, somewhat unsurprisingly, most prominently featured in this compilation, but while certainly the one most often recounted, it is far from the only match of real significance to the series. The June–September period was a veritable soap opera of tragedy, ecstasy and drama of almost Eastendierial proportions.

Following an unremarkable first two Tests for England, Ian Botham would step down as captain, citing the selectors' insistence on appointing him to the position on a match-to-match basis. Free of burden, he would return a man revitalised, smashing boundaries with great power and brute force whilst at the same time exhibiting great skill and cricketing knowledge.

Nowhere was this more evident than at Old Trafford in the Fifth Test, where his 118 (which consisted of 6 sixes and 11 fours) was in many ways technically superior to his Headlingley heroics. Add to the equation a remarkable spell of five wickets for one run in 29 balls at Edgbaston, plus a plethora of other vital wickets and catches and you have a series well deserving of the moniker Botham's Ashes.

All of this is documented in this 109-minute VHS video, interspersed by interview segments with a cigar-chomping Botham, a man not averse to breaking out the old stogies every once in a while. Who would blame him? After that performance, he deserves a Hamlet moment.

From Headingley onwards, we couldn't get enough of the big man, who would feature prominently in British (and international) media as English cricket's bad boy for the rest of his cricketing career and beyond. It's fascinating to look back on the series that kick started all the hype and reverence in the light of thirty years' passage of time. You might just as well be watching a highlights package from the 2010–11 Ashes series, grounds packed to the rafters with vociferous England supporters baying for the Aussies blood and singing rude songs about Rodney Marsh.

Though we mustn't forget the efforts of Botham's colleagues in all of this –Boycott (392 runs, av. 32.66), Gatting (370 at 30.83), Willis (29 wickets at 22.96) and Dilley (12 wickets at 19.64) all made invaluable contributions over the course of the summer– and indeed many of their best moments are featured, this release is all about Ian Terrence Botham and those incredible, match-turning moments that made the Ashes series of 1981 so memorable.

In fact, this very tape has been cited by Darren Gough, Andrew Flintoff and many subsequent cricketers of note as the inspiration for them picking up the leather and willow in the first place. By that token, I don't think I could ever give this a negative review, could I? I mean, it's been indirectly responsible for the heart stopping moments of 1998 and 2005, which have enlightened the lives of so many cricket fans. Solid evidence that the influence of Botham's Ashes endures to this day, 30 summers after the fact.

All images taken from Botham's Ashes [BBC VHS, 1981], © BBC 1981

'Dodger hater' David Cameron closes Burton's Biscuit factory, Uncle Joe's to follow?

2011-01-14T19:51:00.015+00:00

In a bid to combat increasing obesity levels and wipe out his least favourite biccie in one go, David Cameron has issued an order forcing the closure of Burton's Foods in Moreton, Wirral.

The factory, which produces more than fifteen Jammy Dodgers and Wagon Wheels per day –a figure devastated in recent years by lean jam harvests– will soon become as derelict the Littlewoods Building and the Old Swan roundabout after yet another impromptu Mancunian invasion.

Since an early age, I have held a great hatred for this so-called 'jam'. Unlike other, tastier confectionery products, it is incredibly sweet and can cause tooth decay. Whatever happened to good old Broccoli Biccies or Carrot Golden Crunchies? Now there was a healthy biscuit you could consume safe in the knowledge you weren't eating yourself to a sugary death. – David Cameron, quoted in the Daily Sport

But not everyone shares the PM's love of the veggie biscuit. In fact, it seems Cameron is the only person ever to mention such a thing, leading to claims he is 'completely bonkers' and 'a raging southern loony'. Biccie lovers are clubbing together (groan) to raise awareness of the Keep Burton's Open online petition, which has so far garnered more than twenty messages of support, fourteen of which from Wayne Rooney.

We have irrefutable evidence that Mr Cameron intends to close all northern factories one by one. Today it's Burton's, tomorrow it may be the Newcastle Brown Ale factory and the day after that, who knows? Not even Uncle Joe's are safe. – Alf Hart, spokesperson for the Anti Anything Cameron Does Coalition

While the full extent of Cameron's anti-northern sentiment has yet to be exhibited (thought Mr Hart may beg to differ), one thing's for certain: this is one sticky situation Burton's would be jammy to get out of.

[ Is punched in gut ]

I say it's just because Tony Blair (above right) was a Dodger lover. Serves them right, anyway, for reducing the size of Wagon Wheels. These modern mouse-sized portions pale in comparison! – Bob Freegun, bloke int' street

Harry Yack Photoshop featured in Daily Sport! ...And the best Daily Sport stories of all time

2011-01-12T12:01:00.007+00:00

I can now retire. My life is complete, for I have finally managed to be published in the very newspaper which inspired me to create Retro Yakking back in 2008. Let it be known that Tuesday, 11 January should go down in history as the day Harry Yack came full circle and achieved his life's ambition:

There it is, on page 37, heading a short column on the silliest things sports stars have Tweeted, illustrated by my crappy Photoshop! Who'd have thought it, eh? True, it was on the back pages of every national paper on Monday but this trumps all that. I could only be happier if I were appointed editor of the Sport... so, lads, how about it eh?

While were on the subject of said publication, here's some of my all-time favourite stories, which are in no may made up. Nuh-uh.

Babelgate goes on, though things seem to be dying down slightly.

Babelgate: My God, what have I started?

2011-01-11T19:02:00.014+00:00

So how does it feel when one of your Photoshops makes the back pages of not just national newspapers, but all areas of the international media? Pretty bloomin' amazing, and at the same time very weird.

I don't want the Ryan Babel story to end just so I can laugh in sheer amazement every time I see the picture on the telly or on any newspaper stand I pass in the street. It's just insane. Now I my website has crashed, possibly under sheer weight of traffic from people wanting a full quality version of the image, which is rapidly becoming more iconic than Alex Ferguson, The Queen and The Beatles put together. Well, maybe not quite, but at this rate I wouldn't be surprised. They were still talking about it at 8am this morning to put a spring in my step for yet another day.

Yet next to nobody knows it's my image edit. A terrible one, sure, but mine nonetheless. There's a strange feeling to anonymous fame that's slightly irritating, yet fulfilling. Despite the image's appearance pretty much everywhere, my life continues much as normal except nobody takes me seriously anymore because I'm constantly trying to convince them the above pic was indeed 'shopped by yours truly. Nobody ever believes me, but that's fine.

Bah, who am I kidding? I demand recognition this instant!

Well, at least comedian David Schneider takes my word for it.

Here's what some other people are saying on Twitter:

I would post links to all the articles including the pic like I normally do in these situations, but there are simply too many to count! Here's all I could find on YouTube:

And here's the effect on Google Images:

DVD Review: Botham's Ashes: The Miracle of Headingley '81 [BBC DVD, 2005]

2011-01-09T11:36:00.026+00:00

Ladies and gentlemen, it gives me great pleasure to introduce Digital Muppetry, a new section of OM which takes a look at some of the better (and worse) DVDs out there on the market today. Expect biased and outrageous opinions and stuff written specifically to annoy people... maybe.

In a week of England cricket triumph, we begin this hopefully long-running series by reminiscing upon a particularly famous Ashes victory past with Botham's Ashes: The Miracle of Headingley '81. Hard to imagine it was almost thirty years ago that England's talismanic all-rounder Ian Botham would provide the impetus for an incredible comeback the likes of which we will be lucky to see again in our lifetime.

During the fallow period of the 1990s, all us England fans had to keep us sane were our ageing video tapes, and my old VHS player definitely received a good battering to the point of death from an endless barrage of Ashes 1986/87, Mike Atherton's 1995 Johannesburg heroics and, of course, Headingley '81. As you can imagine, I am quite familiar with this series, later dubbed 'Botham's Ashes', and could probably recite the match commentary word for word. Well not quite, but it's fair to say I've seen that old tape more than most, if not all others in my collection.

It's undoubtedly a classic match and well worth a watch if you're a cricket fan in general (unless you're Australian, perhaps). We're talking about the days of Border, Boycott and Lillee, the legendary bandanna-clad, banana chomping(!) Aussie quick. Thanks largely to he, Kim Hughes and John Dyson, the tourists would amass a considerable first innings lead of over 200 and force England to follow on. On a less than favourable batting wicket at the day 4 lunch break England seemed destined for defeat, and a heavy one at that.

Enter the Beefster, ably assisted by some competent tail end batting –Willey, Dilley and Old managed to survive almost thirty overs and score 118 runs between them– to bring a semblance of respectability to the score. Even as Both shot past 100 and towards an eventual 149 not out, England's lead was still only slender. But this time yesterday they would have been happy just to avoid an innings defeat, and thanks to a remarkable turn of events, the hosts were in with a shout of a somewhat incredible victory.

On a day five Headingley pitch, the required 130 must have seemed more like 250. In the feature interview, Botham recounts how he advised Graham Dilley to go out and play some shots, because sooner or later you'd surely get a ball with your name on it and find yourself back in the pavilion. Indeed, Beefy himself eventually succumbed to such a ball in the first innings, a real 'brute of a delivery'.

The perfect pitch, then, for England's quickies to go out there and slaughter 'em, but things didn't start off too well, the tourists compiling a hard fought 56-1. The stage was set for the day's true hero, Bob Willis, who proceeded to run through the Aussie XI who, before you knew it, were 75-8 and looking down and out. Though the late order rallied to add 35, Willis would take the final two wickets and complete a memorable victory. So memorable, in fact, they would make a DVD of the match in 2005 - the very one I'm reviewing right now.

That was the match, but how good is this release? I've said it before, but it really is fantastic to view these old highlights in DVD rather than VHS quality for the first time, and you can certainly tell the difference. Virtually free of flicker and the effects of tape degradation, it's almost as if you're watching live cricket on the BBC once more - alas, something I doubt we'll ever see again.

Game footage is taken from the Test Match Special highlights shows presented by Richie Benaud and runs just under two hours not including bonus features. Everything is here, from when Kim Hughes was almost dismissed by his cap falling on his stumps to the humorous moment when Dennis Lillee was presented with a 32nd birthday banana and chorus of 'Happy Birthday to You' by members of the crowd.

Extras include full match statistics and a gallery of photos from the six-match series. Wonderful though it is, it makes you wonder if this release was ever planned as an Ashes '81 full series highlights compilation and leaves you tempted to see what happened in the other matches.

The best added feature, however, is the interview with Beefy himself which, while fantastic in itself, could perhaps have been a bit longer. Still, in the twenty minute segment you're treated to a nice little assessment of the match from one of its leading protagonists. Although Robert Willis appears briefly at the end of the main TMS 1981 feature, he does not return to give his thoughts for 2005, something I would liked to have seen. Then again, considering his contract with Sky Sports, I don't know if BBC would have been able to afford such a thing. The license fee only goes as far as Dancing on Ice and Top Gear, you know!

These are minor criticisms. For what it is, namely highlights of the third Ashes Test of 1981, it does its job rather well. Unfortunately, those who remember the series will note that it wasn't just this match that made the tour so memorable and wish there were more coverage akin to the 1981 VHS release.

You can pick up a decent used copy of this DVD for only a few pounds, so the price is perfect and can't really be quibbled about in 2011. Perhaps for its 30th anniversary we might get a full series release to complement Botham's Ashes, which would benefit from the input of other series participants. In the meantime, this DVD is still a top notch, widely available commercial release you'd do well to pick up, if you haven't already.

All images taken from Botham's Ashes: The Miracle of Headingley '81 [BBC DVD, 2005]

Blogdog.com is dead

2010-11-07T12:26:00.007+00:00

It may seem a bit extreme, but you heard me right. Blogdog, formerly today.com, seems to have disappeared off the face of the Earth.

I won't delve too much into this for now, because it may simply be that some fool forgot to renew the domain name subscription. But if it really is the end, it certainly is a massive pity because we're all left with a hollow feeling. All the effort put into the blogs it hosted... gone. To the dogs, as the site's motto might have claimed.

Well, the place was on a downward spiral which began with the layoff of numerous high profile bloggers and culminated in selling the today.com domain name. Ever since, the content had been sitting there, festering in its own filth for months at blogdog.com, so I guess not many people would notice that the company has disappeared completely.

I wonder what became of Violette and co.? If anyone knows, drop me a line because I'd love to know.

Vlog: The Scottish Legends tea towel

2010-10-03T21:07:00.002+01:00

Oh, the humanity. I'd love to know what genuine Scotsmen might think of this 'thing', which on the face of it only seems to further the stereotype that Scotland is a nation of stereotypes. It could only have been more cliché if it were subtitled 'Great Scots'. Prove me wrong!

Bit of background: I've had this item in my possession for a few months but never got round to showing it to you. The video is a bit of a rip off of certain YouTube reviewers who shall remain unnamed for the time being and sucks just a tiny bit, but it's a nice little jolly. DarkGenome liked it anyway.

http://www.illarterate.co.uk

Crazy UFO woman [The VHS Project]

2010-09-17T19:53:00.000+01:00

This is a curious snippet I encountered when trawling through a bunch of VHS tapes I recently purchased from a car boot sale. I'm going to label it as part of The VHS Project, though I don't currently have plans to expand on that notion. Maybe some time in the future.

Some woman claims she's been to the moon with aliens. How much monetary compensation she received for these revelations is yet to be disclosed, though I'd guess it's quite a lot.

Oh yeah, and apologies for the poor quality, but then you generally get that with verrry old VHS tapes.

The Shopping Channel: coming to blogspam near you

2010-07-03T13:45:00.004+01:00

Is it just me, or is spam getting more blatant these days? I just cleared out my junk comments over at illarterate.co.uk and those posts are bordering on essay length. Worse, they read like copy-pastes from television infomercials or those horrible flyers you get through your letterbox on a weekly basis. What a waste of bandwidth they are. That's bandwidth I could be using to send my twelfth tweet about what I had for dinner... and it's only 12:01.

Reading this spam, it's like one of those blokes coming round to your house to sell you a vacuum cleaner considerably worse than the one you have currently. Except here you don't actually have to read them. Nevertheless, it's interesting to see how blogspam has developed into full-on sales pitches for products I don't think anyone would buy even if they had no brain. And Lord knows there are plenty such people out there.

Wonder if anybody has actually fallen prey to the spammers? I'll bet thousands, but they're all too embarrassed to admit it.

More image yakros: A comprehensive(ish) lolyak collection

2010-06-04T21:03:00.007+01:00

Remember these? If not, I'm sure you'll pick up the idea fairly quickly. Here's a few of the old ones to warm your cockles.

My favourite of the previous selection:

The teen superstars of the bovine world:

The Dumb and Dumber of the yak kingdom:

And a couple of new ones to sink your teeth into.

Look out for these on Knowyourmeme.com soon. Perhaps.

The Demise of Today.com

2010-06-03T19:44:00.008+01:00

It seems blogging and commercialism don't always mix.

The existence of the Today Exiles site proves to me that a lot of people are very cheesed off with Blogdog, formerly Today.com. I can see their point of view, but never really understood the sheer hatred some had/have for the service, which I quite liked and don't have too many bad words to say about.

You can chart Today's fall from grace from way back, and some even say it's been on the slippery slope since it launched a couple of years ago. Some brand it a 'scam', others 'a mess'. I will concede that these days it's far better to join Blogger or Wordpress and Adsense, but when I registered Retro Yakking in December 2008 it was a pretty good deal. Those that got in early managed to profit somewhat, even if it was the odd dollar here or there.

Then there was its excellent pagerank. I haven't done too many tests, but I'd expect it outranked its competitors right up until its final throes just one month ago. A pity, then, that Blogdog doesn't have nearly as much clout. With Today, I managed to gain some notoriety in a certain part of the blogosphere without even wanting or even trying to.

It remains to be seen whether its successor will be even half as successful, but I somehow doubt it. It was indeed a fun ride, and I'm glad I was along for it. But recent months saw staff cutbacks, the disappearance of the forum and eventually the blog, which was a real shame.

Its core group of bloggers, led by the wonderful VioletteB, must be credited with keeping the site open as long as it did, but it was always fighting a losing battle. The recession did nothing to help matters, and I suppose it was inevitable that fairly soon Today would be no more.

Is Retro Yakking dead? All but. MSNBC are now in possession of the domain, and all the stuff I blogged for Today is now at Blogdog, archived for posterity. I have since moved on, as you can see, and am free to implement my own designs, be as outspoken as I like without fear of reprimand. Oh yeah!

The Mole UK Series 1 (2001, Channel 5): A brief retrospective

2010-05-30T21:54:00.021+01:00

I'm currently rewatching some old episodes of 2001 reality show The Mole, which I stumbled across whilst trawling through my dusty and slightly smelly VHS collection earlier in the week. It's somewhat surprising how old the show actually is, its true age betrayed only by the date at the end credits. Oh, and the giveaway soundtrack which features turn of the century sonic superstars such as Fatboy Slim and, erm, MC Neat to name but a couple. Remember those guys?

It seems like only the other decade I was looking forward to Sunday evening and the next instalment on Channel 5. Oh, would you look at that... it was. These days, the network couldn't acquire a half-decent 'homegrown' series for toffee. But back at the turn of the century some people –by which I mean those that could actually receive it– used to watch it, at least compared to today.

Now all they have is CSI, a bunch of naff movie repeats and Fulham Europa Cup matches. Then again, I suppose you could say it's found a niche. Admittedly it's a rather outlandish one, but that's more than Current TV ever achieved.

Back in 2001, Channel Five was new and (relatively) exciting, with much promise and some okayish programming pinched from under the noses of Bskyb, who these days have a somewhat amicable partnership with the channel, I believe. Don't quote me on that, though, or anything at all in fact.

Five did gain something of a reputation for screening its fair share of decidedly dodgy stuff in its early days (in more ways than one), but The Mole was a series I actually enjoyed, and revisiting it today is an absolute treat. Well, not quite as much as a Chunky Caramel Kit Kat or trip to Pontin's, but a pleasant experience nonetheless.

Something I didn't notice first time round, or at least not to any great extent, is the subtly clever editing involved in the series. When you know who The Mole turns out to be, the clues stick out like a sore thumb, but on first watch the series sure had me flummoxed right until the final moments, a testament to the deceptively chipper Mole –who turned out to be a casting masterstroke– and selective footage tweaks.

For example, why is Mr/Mrs Mole so immune from accusation? There isn't much speculation from fellow contestants that our eventual infiltrator could indeed be the titular impostor, but I'm inclined to put that down to excellent Molemanship. And a bit of help from their friends from Channel Five.

The production team's liberal use of 'artistic license' may be regarded as slightly cheap these days, but back in 2001 this sort of thing was ten-a-penny on British television. Big Brother TV was all the rage and its raft of imitators filled our schedules with horrid rehashes of their larger sibling, so to speak. To me, The Mole was different.

Yes it's undoubtedly part of the 'Reality TV boom', an era characterised by low-budget filming, scant creative input and a social interaction-focused outlook. But it stood out from the sheep, forty five minutes of fun for nine weeks. Cheap and cheerful it may be. Stolen from Belgian TV, yes. Rule-bending at times, certainly. Who cared? Not me.

Anyone curious as to what happened to presenter Glenn Hugill need look no further than the recent smash hit Deal or No Deal, on which he remains an executive producer. Some even speculate he could be the mysterious and elusive 'Banker' bloke, and I for one wouldn't object, because it'd be a crime to keep the guy off the telly.

A mould-breaking presenter Hugill may not be, but he's terribly endearing and as much a part of The Mole as the green fingerprint, theme tune and those strange hidden clues you can never believe you missed. Hence, by proxy, he is cool in my books.

Others may beg to differ, a fact echoed by the relative lack of Internet interest in the show these days. In Britain, it'll forever remain a 'cult' show that, in my opinion, provided a novel take on the reality genre. To the masses, particularly those who couldn't pick up Channel 5 in 2001, it isn't even a speck on the televisual radar. More like a microbe. Still, you can always hope Challenge TV pick it up for a repeat. I should expect it wouldn't be too expensive.

Watch episodes of The Mole on YouTube

ReCaptcha indecipherables of 2009

2010-01-09T19:50:00.003+00:00

I love ReCAPTCHA, it's so wonderfully random. Yes, it can become annoying having to enter two arbitrarily selected words into a confirmation field every time I want to add a comment to a blog or forum, but now and then you get a combination of letters that makes you completely forget what you're doing and laugh out loud.

In fact, some of this lot may warrant the creation of a brand new 'word verification fun' website which lists the best ReCaptcha phrases ever. I'll mull it over at some point, but for now, enjoy a selection of my favourites from 2009.

A Yorkshire-born North African pirate?

Steve Coogan has apparently been made President.
Of what exactly, we don't know.

The exact amount of money lost in the Crash of 2008

A General Election is coming up. Is my browser trying to tell me something?

Been doing at lot of this so far this month, actually. How prophetic.

What is Northern Humour? A short (and hopefully funny) essay on British sensibilities

2010-01-07T19:25:00.001+00:00

For all the weeks this blog has been in existence, I've never once felt compelled to define what this 'Northern' humour I claim to peddle actually is. It's right up there in the blog description, it's mentioned in numerous posts and even has its own category, but how is it distinct from 'Southern' humour, British humour in general or just anything remotely funny?

Some even say that Northern British humour isn't all that different from American Northern humour - namely Canadian, after all, our northern counterparts on the other side of the pond have strong colonial ties with the United Kingdom. Over in Americaland, whilst there is a strong sense of 'sod the southerners, they don't know owt' (only in a strong Canadian accent and with the odd French loanword chucked in there), it's mostly jovial, at least in my experience. That's not to say the rivalry between the north and south of the UK isn't –I think in secret they hold a certain respect for each other– but it's far more cutting, in some cases bordering on slander.

As your generic northern person -- no doubt in a flat cap and with a whippet by his heels -- would be quick to pipe up, a bit of good-natured banter never hurt anyone. It's an aspect of working class culture that has survived from a time when living conditions were much harder than they are today, more often found in the mining towns of The North.

But wait, what's the deal with that anyway? What is 'The North'? Common consensus says anywhere from Watford Gap northwards, but of course many Scotsmen (and ladies, of course) would beg to differ, claiming themselves the 'true' northerners. Others reckon anyone north of London to be 'from The North'.

I think it's far more than just geographic location, though. It's about culture as well - a more basic, primitive culture less touched by the hand of wealth, hence the 'stupid northerner' stereotype often used by Michael McIntyre, who in turn follows in the footsteps of many other comics (mainly from The South) that rely heavily on established clichés. But sometimes, is it not the belly laughs that you want, the uncomplicated 'telling it like it is' that reminds you of those Yorkshiremen from Monty Python, or Geoff Boycott from Test Match Special?

The Northern comic tends to be more in touch with the everyday and glorifies the mundane in such a way that makes us feel comfortable and familiar with the situations described. Most of us will have been told to 'put the big light on' (Peter Kay), but how many of us have stopped to consider how silly that sounds in a literal sense? Combined with some nice, big, exaggerated hand movements and funny faces that all northerners can pull (I think we're genetically programmed that way), no matter how serious the intent , you can't help but laugh, can you?

Anyway, isn't the basic human instinct to laugh a primitive, primeval thing to start with? Don't get me wrong, I am a fan of the large number of comedians that appear on comedy panel shows –those staunch stalwarts of British humour in recent times– such as QI and Have I Got News for You, I just think Northern Humour deserves a lot more credit than it gets.

Internet finally begins to crumble under weight of recession

2010-01-04T19:32:00.000+00:00

Many will admit it's been coming for months and the net has been slowly grinding itself away since early last year, but this week, following a busy Christmas period the Internet has officially fallen to bits.

Online shopping and banking have dropped significantly, major sites have reported massive downturns in visitor numbers, Google employees have finally had to actually do some work... yes, the Credit Crunch has finally hit the web.

The defining factor is perhaps the amount of revenue being generated for Rupert Murdoch's Not At All Evil, I Swear Corp, which has dropped from just over ten million dollars a second to only thirty million in a minute. It's thought some of this cash has been pinched by Cash For Gold websites, which Murdoch currently has no affiliation with, but 'would consider' entering into in the near future should the present slump continue.

Reports of servers literally collapsing have been rife on the North American continent, with numerous supercomputers and server farms going up in smoke at precisely 12AM on New Year's Day, a phenomenon predictably termed by the press as the 2k10 Bug. European servers are yet to be affected, but experts claim it is only a matter of time before thousands of British geeks simply melt away into a pile of molten lead and silicon, leaving the Internet in a state of much botheration.

Should your own computer begin to whirr and clunk as though it were a robot being from the future intent on destroying the world, do absolutely nothing for ages and then unplug and plug it in again. That should fix the problem, at least for now.

Harry Yack's Orchestrated Muppetry ... Northern humour, comment and general fun

The Batman's Brother Archives: Harry Yack vs. The Mega-Zine 2002-2008 VOL. 1

Power-hungry moderators

The Collected Works of Batman's Brother: Issue #1 (2002)

Well, that's enough for the time being.

Junk mail: the observational comedian's dream

The bit you've been waiting for - evidence!

Differences between the United Kingdom and the United States #3,473: Stereotypery

An apology to Derren Brown

More silly Cleverbot chat logs

Cleverbot is really rather random

Sunday Shoutout: Pop Goes the Lemonade

Saturday Super Spam Bonanza

Quickies

A special message from the British Government

Owl arrested for flying over the limit: Binge drinking birds now a 'serious problem'

VHS Review: Botham's Ashes [BBC VHS, 1981]

See also

'Dodger hater' David Cameron closes Burton's Biscuit factory, Uncle Joe's to follow?

Harry Yack Photoshop featured in Daily Sport! ...And the best Daily Sport stories of all time

Babelgate: My God, what have I started?

Bah, who am I kidding? I demand recognition this instant!

DVD Review: Botham's Ashes: The Miracle of Headingley '81 [BBC DVD, 2005]

See also

Blogdog.com is dead

Vlog: The Scottish Legends tea towel

Crazy UFO woman [The VHS Project]

The Shopping Channel: coming to blogspam near you

More image yakros: A comprehensive(ish) lolyak collection

The Demise of Today.com

The Mole UK Series 1 (2001, Channel 5): A brief retrospective

ReCaptcha indecipherables of 2009

What is Northern Humour? A short (and hopefully funny) essay on British sensibilities

Internet finally begins to crumble under weight of recession