precious metal musings

Changing URL

2010-02-23T18:45:00.000-08:00

from tonight onward, please readjust your dials.....

www.shiraloa.blogspot.com

on death and suffering.

2010-02-23T14:18:00.000-08:00

Kiyumi, Green Tree Python 2008-2010

I dug your grave with a mussel shell, and type this with the dirt still in my fingernails... i know not how to truly make this better, to heal the suffering that you experienced, that i caused... for it is done. but my sweet, beautiful friend, you were my heart, you weaved through my dreams before you shared my home, and forever your soft little kisses will rest in my memory. now i must release the grief so that i do not hang on the images of pain, but the images of exquisite delight that you created in my life. i honor you. i love you. i am so, so, so sorry.

i was recently listening to a discussion about time, and about the theory of non-linear time, wherein once something happens, it is always happening. it is a "thing", concrete like an object, that once it exists, it always does. this means that all moments are forever. and that makes me unsure of how to reconcile this. for indeed the last moments, the pain that i witnessed, that i took part in, haunt me and flash repeatedly through my mind, as if the thing is happening again and again. but i do not want to believe that you will forever be suffering, or anyone for that matter. and is there meaning in anyone's suffering? attaching meaning to things is so natural for humans- i have been eager to do it all my life- but what with the experiences of mine in the last year, and beyond, for instance, in Haiti, in the Middle East, the world... i can no longer accept that there is meaning in anything. maybe it truly is just coincidence, and that everything and anything just happens. not by "chance", even, but it just *is*. because who can come up with a sensible meaning for a child suffering, for an animal suffering? I have tried to come up with reasons i might "deserve" to suffer- i scan my life for all the things i have done wrong, for "sins", for suffering i might have caused others... I could patch together seemingly unrelated incidences into a map of meaning with pinpoints and strings connecting to each, some ridiculous conjured explanatory landscape......... but is there really such a thing as karma? do we think that we are THAT significant that it makes such a difference? once upon a time i heard my friend Seth Bernard sing:

"Throw your tiny stone into the ocean the ripples will take care of themselves will they spread if I cannot see them? Yes!"

and I thought how important everything we do is. how meaningful. the ripples mean that every little thing we do are so important, meaningful. i don't necessarily negate the cause-and-effect part of that concept. but the part where what we do is "meaningful"... well. that's now so subjective as to be teetering on the edge of significance.

i don't want to think that way. it is the first time in my life i am entertaining these thoughts. the first time my spirit feels like it is leaking magic out a darkened drainpipe. and YET...... there is a knock at the door, as i am writing, and there is my beautiful friend Megan on a surprise consolation visit, holding a bouquet of purple thistles--- which not only are my absolute favorite of flowers, but the one that just an hour before i had picked off my altar (the last dried one i had) and put on K's grave. and suddenly i want to say "what magick is this? how can this be coincidence? what meaning lies therein?"

I am caught in the ping pong game of all of this. Are we not just little tiny specs, universes among an infinite number of universes, and therefore in that grand scheme, what IS meaning, really? What is the death or life of any one thing, or the suffering?

I have never been a "religious" person. spiritual, however, certainly. i was full of a myriad of beliefs in the magic beyond our physical senses, the meanings that we could not see, but only allow ourselves the opportunity to feel. the great unknown soup of all that has come before and all that will be, surrounding us always and touching each moment of our lives... the ability to access it. now.... i am no longer certain. all my life i have felt so deeply--- deeper than many allow themselves to feel. and i have seen it both blessing and curse. now i wonder whether it is a foolish game we play with ourselves, or maybe it is because we humans have so many unanswered questions about the world (within and without) and we must access other senses to try to find answers. maybe there are no answers, there is nothing but that which we project onto the world. so the magic is really how such mishmoshes of atoms and molecules put together into the container of a mass of cells called a brain can have thoughts and all those questions and perceptions. round and round i go.

with all the faith i can scrape up inside me, i am going to "pray" that the suffering that i experienced with Kiyumi yesterday is not a forever-moment. that really what lasts is what we carry around and project into the world, and things only last as long as WE make them. so- i project into this world how beautiful Kiyumi was, that her life was absolutely cherished, and that my life was better for her in it.

ps- please do not ask me the details of her death. between giving some friends literal nightmares and trying to move on, i would rather not recount the story from here on out. but i appreciate the love and condolences.

New Website and Store

2009-11-09T16:04:00.000-08:00

It's been AGES since I posted anything here, and my life has literally turned upside down since the last post... but i'm going to make this short since there is too much to say right now and my mind isn't in the place to do it...
PLEASE CHECK OUT THE NEW WEBSITE! I am very pleased with it, and I hope you will be too. AND... you can easily buy my work now at the click of a button. Hurrah!

www.shiraloa.com

thank you!

metalsmithing nunchucks, hiiiii-yah...?

2009-06-30T13:54:00.000-07:00

It has been some time since i have had the time or presence to write... this is due to being in an intensive certification program at Revere Academy of Jewelry Arts. It was only two months, but it was all day every day, and was quite a change from what my life has been for going on 5 years now. I expected to come out swinging metalsmithing nunchucks... and I am not feeling that right now. Am I glad I did the program? I have very mixed feelings.
On the one hand, I definitely learned things, filled in gaps in my knowledge, acquired new tools, and made a couple of decent connections. Oh yeah, and i have this piece of paper on the wall that looks fancy and says i am a "Jewelry Technician".
On the other hand, I could have learned 10 times as much had Alan Revere himself not taught the class. Unfortunately, although the man has skill and organization, he represented case in point that just because you can do something well does NOT mean you can TEACH it well. I left feeling like i had spent way more money than any of it was worth, and with a bad taste in my mouth about where that money was going and how it was spent. If you are thinking of taking classes at Revere, I highly advise you to avoid his classes. if you can get a class with Ronda Coryell, please DO. She is wonderful, sweet, and inspiring. On the occasions when she stepped in to teach, I was suddenly excited and eager, like i was way back when I was in college. It was odd to recognize in myself that I can be a fantastic student when I have the right teacher/environment, and a total bad-kid pain-in-the-ass student when i don't. Good reflection, i guess, and also food for thought for my own teaching.
Most of all, I was intensely eager to have my life back, my own schedule, and to have time to use some of the new skills I gained. Because of the intensive nature of the program, there was no time to practice and get good at the processes we were learning. That was a major downfall for me, as I learn best by DOING. So now that i am out of school, I would think that I would be slinging tons of new wares... but I find myself clumsy and fumbling. I have so many new ideas, many new toys... however I realized last night that instead of suddenly coming out with all sorts of new creations, what i really need is time to really practice and experiment. I want what I learned to set in; I want to make really advanced pieces. To do that, I am going to have screw up for a while. That is a very hard thing to accept for an impatient, self-critical perfectionist. It's also hard for someone who just spent their savings on school and tools and has barely any other income than what she produces. It's downright scary. I have put all of my faith into my art, and suddenly I feel like a newborn again...
I will say, however, that my studio has expanded and it is totally and incredibly DOPE. The space itself is open, bright, clean, and comfortable. My wealth of tools is a blessing beyond belief. I am so very lucky, and in no way am I complaining about such a situation. what I am afeared of is making sure that I can afford it, when all I want is to have a release from financial pressure long enough to hone my skills.... and THEN I will come out with a new line of work that will surely be successful with it's high-caliber of craftsmanship.
Dear Universe, please take care of me and my good intentions?

Dreamtime Notions

2009-04-13T15:53:00.000-07:00

i danced myself aware-
more aware than i have felt in so very long-
of every cell in my body.
the tendrils of my being weaving through each one
and finally felt healed and whole,
complete.
during this process, the birds who seek beauty circled.
they swooped, they pecked.

i danced on.

i smiled and twirled in their wake, unafraid, strong.

sparrows, hummingbirds, kestrels, so many feathered beauties
flitted about my body, brushing, tugging.
and it is not that i didn't see them, or appreciate their winged kisses,
but that i refused to engage
in order to dive deeper into trance
unhindered.

then the eagle came.
it is then that i convince myself i danced into dream,
for i let him dance with me
after shooing so many away.
it must have been dream,
for i opened my wings
and we became winged serpents
resplendent
with tongues and swirling tails that touched.
i was whole and complete but there was a power, a light
that beckoned me out of my heart-whole shell
and i allowed the call to seep through, call me away from the music.

suddenly flight was more beautiful than dancing
and i twirled up and after this mirage and away from my ritualistic solitude.

i danced into dream.
it must have been dream-
because it traveled so deeply and swiftly between place and emotion;
from hallway to hilltop,
from bright beautiful iris to stumbling in the darkness,
from open to shut, from burn to cut...
and all of a sudden i wake up alone
a day later
my wings tangled with the sheets,
an alarm call ringing me awake...
and i think i *must* have danced myself into dream.

i stand up to find my leg muscles screaming,
my heart
shaking a fist
at the dreamtime notions
of flight.

stretch 'cross the void.

2009-04-01T01:52:00.000-07:00

from Shen... who i am excited to dance to on thursday...

"lines of forgetting change
lines of sight
leaves drifting
petals in the night

our magic is a surgery
closing over wounds
we stretch 'cross the void
searching for the womb

remember who you are
and what you came to do
soak it all in whatever you do
remember who you are
and what you came to do
soak it all in
soak it all in

times of regret turn to times of might
the river never stops
recognize the sights
the power of being - opening to life
it could take a thousand years
it could happen in a night

soak it all in"

Some Days, Some Nights (the little shiny)

2009-04-01T01:25:00.001-07:00

Some nights are long with music, clarity of vision, of delight in dirty fingertips, in hours that do not stay. The way the light shines off a surface that has been loved a hundred times by the kiss of a hammer, the slice of a blade to make way for image and form; curve and bend, join, begin again. Freedom in solitude, secrets woven in bouquets of ore... and the way it all causes forgetful reverence.

Some days are long with loneliness; surrounded only by objects, by unfinished dreams, visions crucified by too much contemplation, then abandoned. An overture of could-bes and a symphony of would-haves. The hours mockingly creep forward, dragging scattered visions and scratches across the surface of thought. I am suddenly overrun by a world of too many options, too many possibilities, leading to a choke hold of non-doing.

There is no true peace- it is all a flurry of feeling, of wanting, of grieving. A new beginning signals a death, however quiet, of some part of life, and every moment breathes a breath that either caves or swells a heart in its wake. It is in losing everything that we learn we need nothing to maintain that process. But without the love in each other’s eyes, without some liquid light form of commonality, we lose our perspective of the *why*... of which there is none. we ask too many questions.

I died a hundred deaths in recent weeks. Daily rituals of reduction, of disassembling. Some days I knew not how to put one foot ahead of another, a toes’ breadth of ground was too much distance to walk. Some nights I was cradled by a voice of love crackling over the phone that reminded me of my singularity and strength, just by the timbre of its song. Some days I wandered amongst my tumbling tiers and could not but knock my shins on rocks and cut my knees on each fall, squinting at sky and forgetting the brightness of life even as my eyes react in miosis. Some nights I met a stranger I have always loved and forgot that any sadness has equal or greater joy, the scent of jasmine and sweetness of mango releasing the noose of my fears.

I have been lost, and found again.

Fear of the future’s flakey promises creates a vacuum in the mind. It sucks out all we have in each perfect moment of life. I am guilty a million times a day. yet I store the light in my pores from the perfections of wonder in the unfolding of the world; this makes the night just as bright as the sunlight that my sadness and worry swallowed whole. I can understand a day of solitude and discontent at purpose when it is put in line with the little shiny, or the luscious creases around a pair of wise and playful eyes; the creative unfolding where two souls speak their artistry.

It takes one to know one.
I glow because I swallow and emanate all that is given to me each day.
Some days being naked is a renewal, not a revealing.
Beholden to my weaknesses, I find the discarded diamonds strewn at my feet.

"Imagine No Possessions...

2009-03-22T11:28:00.000-07:00

...it's easy if you try...."
i've got john lennon singing in my head. things could be worse. that's what i am trying to remember right now. i'm holding my serpent friends and watching them prepare to shed their skin. remembering that i must, as well.
i was robbed friday night of many possessions that i held very very close to my heart. but it was attaching myself to those things, and to the money that bought them which gave me so much pain when they were gone.
honestly, this position of release would have come to me sooner, had it not been for the fact that this happened on a night that had already gone very, very wrong, after several weeks that had gone wrong, after, well... it's been a very challenging year thus far. all the pieces that have fallen around me lately make each individual thing seem a whole lot greater in magnitude. but here i am, alive. breathing. i give thanks for that. and i acknowledge that the things that don't kill us make us stronger, and that i am being stripped of my power and my securities and my loves and my sentimentalities so that i can come to peace with my Self. and that's not an easy place to come to if you cling on to things and old patterns and methods of avoidance and self doubt.
yes, i am still frightened, and still get swathes of hot, putrid air packed with fear and sadnes swashing over me... but i am loved and blessed. i will now breathe that in to my belly- the place i never like to go- and let it fill me. because... what else could i do? i want this bombardment of darkness to quit, and i know not what to do but to surrender as fully as i can.

and now, to my possessions taken, i release you with one last homage. i acknowledge your importance in my life, your "value"... and then i let you go. i was able to come to this place only after walking the streets of san francisco (thanks Orange) looking for discarded items, and instead of finding my things, i saw emptiness, homelessness, destitute and lost people. i saw how blessed i was to still have a (beautiful) coat on my back. and as sad as i am that probably the most important of my possessions that were taken were probably discarded as meaningless to the person that took them, there is no point in feeling anger for someone who was most likely in a state of utter desparation.
i will try to quit asking "why".

THE LIST for LETTING GO:

-1 guitar- given to me at age 15- in a black soft case with painted symbols from friends 11 years ago when i was leaving on a journey.

-1 black purse- the perfect one- with beautiful hand-painted designs by Shrine.
-2 sets of keys- to my Studio, to my Rv, which had a warning note on it when i came home that it was going to be towed. ha.
-1 wallet with credit cards and bank cards, business cards, receipts.
-1 receipt for the adventures of the hours previous, during which i called AAA to get my keys out of my locked car, and borrowed a friend's vehicle to return to said car, and then 1 receipt for the subsequent $370 towing that happened when i was returning friend's vehicle and getting a ride to pick up my car. i had planned to use those receipts to contest the tow... now there are too many things to deal with.
-1 pair of relatively new glasses, in their case. no more driving at night for shira for a while...
-various personal items such as a gifted crystal, lip glosses, and random bottom-of-the-purse type things.
-adaptor for my phone.

1 car phone charger.

black toiletries bag:
-makeup
-flower necklace with an opal set in it that i made
-earrings that brent and i shared, and which i had removed for the first time in months out of my ears but took them along with me just in case i wanted to put them back in.
-special oil that brent gave me for xmas and that i wear daily.

-white box with approximately 6 pairs of kiyumi earrings, plus the headband that dan and narayani made me for my birthday.

Green/black backpack that i have had for about 10 years, gone on many an adventure or daily trek with:
my journal
some of my favorite and most-worn clothing.
-that little black vest i wear every other day..
-my newish lexi pants that i splurged on a couple months ago.
-a skirt that Alix Sun made, gifted to me by KLC.
-the 10 year old pants that Swan gave me that we were going to make a pattern for.
-my fave tank top
-a couple other shirts that i wear often
-digital camera that i use for my work and pleasure, and its computer cord.
-phone charger
-various personal items and random bits.
-a book that Brendan lent me.

i release you, items. may your cords to me be cut, may i let go of the pain of your absence. may i find strength in your passing, may i find the money to replace what needs to be replaced, or else make peace with no longer having that material element in my life.

frozen

2009-03-13T14:49:00.000-07:00

yesterday my neck and shoulder seized up and left me basically immobile. i can't turn my head in either direction. i can't work in my studio. i can't go for a walk in the sunshine. i can't function, but for sitting in bed and using the computer. i can still do stuff online, but... it's frustrating, to say the least. i know that this is my body telling me to STOP... but i just can't. there are so many things i want to be doing, and it is very rare that i look back on a day and think "wow, i got so much done and i feel great about it." it's always about making peace with how little on my list got checked off. so either this neck freeze thing is a way for me to REALLY make peace with it, to accept that every moment is fine no matter what, or else it's just another damn inconvenience that is slowing me down like the rest of them that have been going on lately.

the sun is shining brilliantly here in berkeley, and i am so grateful for it, even from inside my room. i am so grateful that i can go through each day and be surrounded by green and surrounded by the beautiful things in my life- my possessions, my incredible friends. And i do have a sense of purpose right now, a sense that the direction in which i am moving is the right one; for the first time, "success" hovers on my horizon, in view. but mountain ranges are deceiving... you can see them and they look closer than they are. it is a long journey to actually get to the base of them, and then another whole adventure to climb your way up. at least i am moving forward. but every day i feel like i am crawling instead of cruising. and every day is more expensive than the last.

i am working on faith here; faith in my purpose and my work, and faith that this recession is not forever, that things will turn around. I am not working for anyone else, barely pulling in money, spending more than i have... but my drive feels different than ever before, and this is my only comfort. i have popped the bubble that i floated in the last 10 years. the one that held me inside my art-for-art's-sake mentality. the one that deflected the desire for or admittance of need for money. no, i'm ready for that now, to make it, to feel positive about it, to feel stable with it. i'm even ready to admit that i can make things that aren't art and make money off them, or, GASP!, cast things that aren't really "art" to me so that i am freed up to do more intricate work.

I say to the universe that i am ready for all of these things, but yet time and again i am slapped with things that slow me down, hold me up. it's very possible that i am not hermiting as i need to, as i have before. I do make socializing a priority sometimes when maybe i should not. but i get so holed up in my head that i feel strongly pulled towards the social stimulation/distraction that this city provides. it's dangerous though, intoxicating (in many ways), and does not help me focus. it's all about finding a balance, i know, but i have not found it yet. i oscillate too swiftly, to deeply.

i signed up for a gym membership after the decision to take charge more on my physical health. now i can't even go for a walk.
i signed up for school to advance my career, but now due to other financial hang-ups that have reared their ugly head, i must charge my tuition to my credit card.
i started work on a new website to help launch my business, but my computer crashed, i lost files, and now keep hitting walls when i try to work on the site.
i am totally focused on my business (kiyumi) but everything takes twice as long because my biz partner lives in a different state.
i broke up with my boyfriend because i wanted to focus on my career and because we were fighting too much, yet he remains the one that is consistently my light, my support, my encouragement, closest to my heart.

confusion much?

i am driven by desire, by my heart, by my dreams. i have goals, my compass is pointing, my mind is made, so why the kinks? why the hold-ups? what does this mean?

2009-02-26T12:28:00.000-08:00

Heart tremors. today was a day of darkness and release. I am left with a belly ache in a beautiful place. Held by no one, cradling a rose.

tucson az

2009-02-08T12:18:00.000-08:00

I just returned from tucson, AZ after spending over a week working at the largest gem and mineral show in the world. I saw- and *felt*- some of the most incredible pieces of this earth; color that is so vibrant, and with such depth that it rivals any flower, rivals a coral garden, or the brilliant tucson sky. On top of that, each stone carries it's own dna of powerful elements and energetics. At least 5 major hotels participate in this show, plus countless parking lots and other open spaces. each hotel rents out all of it's ground floor rooms to vendors, along with the lobbies, the foriers, poolside greens, and parking areas. white tents pack along the streets, and all of these places contain mountains of, tables full of mineral specimens, fossils and cut gemstones. when i could steal away from work, i would wander through the rooms, each one containing a different little world of beauty from a different part of the world. i would trail my fingers along stones (if i was allowed to), pick things up, observe what i was drawn to. since those stones are not only beautiful but also contain metaphysical healing properties, it is powerful to see which ones call to you for healing. i kept picking up on chrysocola in the beginning, and it changed throughout the week.
On a different level, it's quite the experience to be surrounded by commerce that is fully and unapologetically a raping of the earth. don't get me wrong, these specimens are beyond breathtaking, and it is definitely incredible to look out and see them as far as they eye can see, and sometimes, towering over me. the amount of raw energy makes the air buzz. but there is also a sadness that swims through it all, a feeling of ultimate vulnerability. when i first arrived and saw the 3' diameter spheres of quartz, i instantly envisioned that someone had ripped into the earth's ovaries and stolen her eggs, pulled them out of her body and put them on display. violent.
but this is what we do, no? as humans? we take what we want. we attach value to things per our perceptions of beauty, of convenience. And then we devalue things as well... and when faced with a sea of sparkly stones and artifacts and carvings and beads... it's hard to take those memes, levels and values seriously. It all seems so superficial. why is one stone more expensive than another? I found so many cheap stones that i found exquisite. but once shown the higher quality ones, i could see and feel a difference... sometimes. but it often felt arbitrary, that price. often there were stories behind stones- where they came from, how they were mined, or how there was literally no more left to mine. that's right... any chrysoprase that you see from now on? that's it. it's all out of the earth (as far as we can get to, anyways). no more. nada. some of the rooms were run by seedy characters; mobsters, even. you could feel the energy that they carried with them and
this was very disturbing to me. i had a long talk with my friend Jefe (of the funginears) who has a rock store in Elfinstone, BC. He said that he had once felt that way, but then had a big meditation through which the earth communicated that it was not a big deal to her what we did, because truly, it was US we were hurting by the mining. she said she had more treasures untold within her than we could EVER get to, so she wasn't too concerned. I guess I get that. so... we mine and dig and find what we can and enjoy what power comes from that and then mourn our consequential losses from digging up our horizons. and then we self destruct and the earth keeps turning. pretty much.

Retail stores and dealers go to this show to buy goods from minerals to jewelry. They come to buy, but with the recession going, the show was hit hard. Most people were buying less than half of what they usually do. Morale was low. I happened to be selling for Lou Guerin, who manufactures leather, metal and stone accessories in Bali. He is a wonderful man, here with his daughter, who also has jewelry produced in Bali. I have a whole trip with bali-wear, but I felt good working for lou. He is honest, positive, sweet, and kind, has an undying enthusiasm for life, and has been doing this work for 30 years all over the world. He is french, and has the funniest sayings and expressions that make him totally endearing. You can see the respect and even adoration he has from his returning customers... it's quite beautiful. He seemed unconcerned by the recession. His booth was busier than many, actually, though in the end he admitted that the recession definitely affected his sales. I was allowed to have a tiny spot for which to display my work, and at very least received a lot of exposure where I otherwise wouldn't. Normally I HATE selling, and I despise the sweet-talking, ass-kissing game of retail. But somehow my attitude changed while I've was there. Not that I liked the game all of a sudden, but somehow I got better at it; shmoozing, getting enthusiastic in order to make people excited to buy things. Maybe that came from respect for lou, and from desperation for sales on the part of my work. Selling accessories and unnecessary things during a recession is pretty ridiculous. But it was a huge learning experience, and not a bad one. I vowed to take business more seriously this year, to embrace it and let it embrace me, so, I felt this helping me, regardless of not making a bunch of sales. There is some discouragement consistently for me with the fact that Kiyumi takes most of the attention over Orelafey, but I am happy that it has potential for very real success, so I can definitely maintain gratitude.
Right before i left for tucson, my boyfriend and i broke up. Although we did it maturely, lovingly, mutually, it was exremely challenging and sad. to go directly to a foreign feeling place to stay and work with strangers for over a week after that was frightening, and i felt very vulnerable at first. raw. getting space, being distracted by things totally different than my normal reality, and being around stones that had healing qualities ended up being helpful. but i returned home to a new reality here. i know that i have much ahead of me, that i am doing what i need to do, that i am in my power and stable as a person on my own, as a single woman, but i am definitely riding waves of sadness and empowerment that throw me. thank goodness i am staying very busy.

this week is a mixture of kiyumi business rapping while narayani is here, and of preparation for another DoLab event in LA at which i will be doing a live welding performance. I did one at LIB last year called Welder vs. Welder, and this round i will be creating a piece specifically for Random Rab's cd release set for his new album "A Rose". Not sure how it's all going to come together (i am actually a little nervous), but it's pretty damn cool that i get this opportunity, and i am grateful. I will also have my artwork featured in the Lucent L'Amour Gallery for the event. It's a Valentine's Day deal, but right now i am trying not to think about that part.

After the event, Kiyumi is doing our big photoshoot with Siouxzen Kang. Hoping that those pictures function as a key for unlocking our success.

cheers to that.

3.0

2009-01-24T17:29:00.000-08:00

i turned 30 yesterday.
i'm still digesting all that the number signifies...
i have been feeling very blessed, in general, for all that i have, for the comfort of my life, for the ability to have most everything that i need, to focus on my creativity as the major element of what i do as opposed to working a job that does not fulfill or excite me. i don't believe i have taken that for granted up to this point, but after 4 years solid of walking this path, i am acutely aware of the fragility -and difficulty- of that position. I have been focusing my energy this new year on stepping up to a level of professionalism and -dare i say- "adulthood" that will take my passion-as-work to an actual profession. because as much as it has been all that i do til now, it has not WORKED. as in, it has not been a successful business. and part of this is the market, but most of this is my own disorganization, and especially my reluctance to step into the role of a business person. clinging to the title of "artist" as opposed to "designer", clinging to the notion that i am a bad business woman in general and therefore why bother, procrastinating or ignoring steps that i could take in order to make this viable because those steps have nothing to do with the creative or production-oriented process... these things have only hindered me. So as this new year dawned, and my saturn return came to close, i understand that in order to succeed i must let go. i must release the things that are not helping me. i must step out of a stuck place, and make changes that will move me forward. as the new president takes office and i am, for the first time in my life, hopeful for change on a grander scale in this country, i must also embrace this change, however sobering, in my life. like Obama said, we must make difficult choices and tighten our belts but this does not mean we compromise our goals. making choices that benefit long-term goals instead of short-term. for me, this means focusing on the un-fun parts of keeping an organized and efficient business. learning and doing things i do not want to do. things that keep me from being productive in the studio, but will help what i do in the studio later actually feed me and reciprocate. I have moved to a new studio space, and now for the first time do not work from home. the separation has so far, even just mentally, helped me move into this new era of life.

thirty. a third decade, and i am trying to level with myself about the measure of success. i have to remind myself that although i am not rolling in the monetary fruits of my labor, and although i still face numerous challenges in my personality and character that hinder my health and my progression as a person, i DO have a lot to show for the last 30 years of my life. if i was to step back 10 years and think about what i imagined i would have accomplished at this point, part of me feels i would be disappointed in myself. when you are young, you think that the 20s are your developmental time, and then when you hit 30 all of a sudden you are supposed to have figured it all out. apparently that is not the case at all. i am reminded of the scene in the amazing animated film Waking Life with the two women in the coffee shop speaking about this concept. that when you are you think that there must come a time when you stop changing and you hit this plateau of understanding yourself, your life, your purpose. but there is no point like that. and for every person, there is ebb and flow to change and growth and understanding. but there should not be a plateau. i find myself wanting to measure things, to be able to weigh myself in, to judge. and depending on the moment, the judgement comes out at different points on the scale. some days i rank an 8 or 9, others a 2. but that process does not aid me. what aids me now is stepping to a new place i have where i am no longer skirting around the edges of what i do and accepting a half-assed action, labeling it as "my own unique method". I am going to uncomfortable, frustrating places, but i thank the universe every day (even the shitty ones) that i am able to do even that. Grateful that i have the cushion to allow me the breathing room to explore. i am not smothered under a wet blanket of need. i am pressured, indeed, and i am a critic of myself all along the way. i battle with a monster of guilt for every move i make. but i think keeping yourself in check is important. i have less self-discipline than i once had... i am just learning to temper it with self love. it is a constant challenge to get those two to live harmoniously with each other.
i feel that i have stepped into change, made moves, as i always do. and i am frustrated at how slow my pace has been, how i feel so consistently overhwhlemed by all there is to be done and so often at the end of a busy day, i have gotten barely a quarter of the way down my to-do list. how small i feel. but i also know that something serious has shifted in me, and so turning 30 makes sense.
i still get mistaken for 23, 25, 28. that's reassuring on a physical level. my spirit still feels young sometimes. but i have always had an old soul, too, who is hardened by self criticism and contemplation, and i think those must be the wrinkles that are no longer disappearing when i stop smiling. I am pledging to release the list of things i "should" have done by now in my life. i can just add them to the larger "to-do before i die" list.

Kiyumi Launched!

2008-12-11T23:51:00.000-08:00

It's all i've thought about, all i've done for the last three weeks. Kiyumi Jewelry, non-stop. and it's not over yet. but... i'm proud that the pictures have been finished (for now) of our collection, and uploaded. The response so far has been amazing, and although sleep and free time have been nil, i maintain excitement about this project. working with nara is always a pleasure and an inspiration. the general sentiment is that we have really "nailed it". so with continuous hard work for a while, i have faith (i really do) that this thing will actually take off, give back to us generously. what a gift.

themz ma boyz

2008-10-28T12:07:00.000-07:00

just a quick promo for some dear friends of mine whose creative venture is on the verge of nuclear explosion.... the Glitch Mob are about to launch a European tour and a full album, and here you can see some fine video promo for them. Super proud of them... cheers guys. may we all be so successful.

huge sale...

2008-10-27T16:11:00.000-07:00

my last stint on Etsy... i have a bunch of pieces that MUST get out of my studio and find new homes. they are greatly discounted so that they will move! please check them out here.

with great power comes great responsibility...

2008-10-24T22:26:00.000-07:00

and strangely, with great disappointment, comes great renewal and rebirth.

i didn't get the job i had so been hoping for. after a month and a half and four interviews, they picked someone else this week.

i had adjusted my thinking. everything was "well, soon i will be financially stable." or, "soon i will have limited time and will need to focus well and have goals for my artwork." or, "i will have a job, so i can do art now instead of jewelry."

so i started dreaming. and scheming. i started collaborating with Anastazia, who inspires me consistently. she pushes every envelope she can. she has no boundaries, no borders. she gave me ideas, she helped me open up and dream again. i haven't made anything outrageous for a while. years. it's all been toned down. it's all been for sales. it's all been for people to "like." but i went home and picked up my hammers this time. and i went at it and i hurt my wrists and i kept going and it felt so damn good. and i made something beautiful, that no one would put in a boutique and no one would go out and buy. but it's beautiful and i am proud of it. i made art again. and every time i speak with staz, we think of something more beautiful to do together, some new way to support each other, to build. she has contacts and experience i do not, and it is amazing to watch how she works it all. i am so very grateful for how enthusiastic and encouraging she is about my work- no one has ever gotten so excited about it besides me! our goals start at photoshoots, run through full scale performances, and end in landing a spot in the De Young Museum. sky's the limit.....

i started a collaboration with Narayani... one of my best friends on this earth and an old roommate from Portland, we shared studio and living space for so long and we never actually put our two separate crafts together. when we finally did... we both got a feeling of success-in-the-making like we had never had. we are calling it KIYUMI, after my beautiful little baby green tree python... Kiyumi means "pure beauty" in japanese. The creations really are so beautiful...Feather and metal earrings, air and ore, soft and hard, colorful and sleek. it excites me because it truly feels like it could work for us. for real. it feels doable, as opposed to overwhelming. it feels like a beautiful opportunity to work with nara, to grow with her. she has qualities that i do not have, and vice versa...we compliment each other very well.

didn't get that job... but i did get an offer of at least $15k for a sculpture tour for next summer. it would be the biggest piece i have ever made by myself, and the largest commission i have ever received. and i got the download for it when i was in crisis mode, when i was feeling lost from not getting that stable job... and i pulled the AEON tarot card. it is nicknamed "The Heavenly Egg". it is about renewal, hope, redemption, change over time, and "the devisive step towards becoming oneself." and the sculpture will be an enormous egg out of my metal lace, similar to the one i made for burning man in '05, but with doors that swing up when opened, and the doors are giant wings made of the metal lace that rise up from the egg.

one door closes, others open.

i am tired of the hustle, the worry, the stress that comes with being a freelance artist. it is such a challenge to be able to dive deeply into the process of creating things from nothing, and simultaneously be able to make those things work for you in a society centered around money and business and hype. i was looking forward to healthcare. to a regular paycheck. but apparently these things are not for me right now. apparently i needed another let down in order to give me a boost. a friend said to me today "we find some pretty amazing stuff down at the bottom, don't we?"

shaking it off

2008-10-02T12:05:00.000-07:00

i have been waking up to myself whimpering from nightmares (or brent wakes me because i am crying out) recently. on top of that, the neck pain and headaches have been constant, especially in the morning. i know that yoga and stretching helps, but sometimes it is so debilitating that i don't have the energy to do that.
i need a new spine.
i don't know how intricately the two (nightmares, neckpain/headaches) are connected. if i don't have nightmares, i am still having more vivid dreams than usual. and the thing is, the nightmares are not necessarily the attacker-murderer kind of scary dream. they've been more of the emotionally draining kind. this one was going just fine for a while, albeit strange, and then an ex partner showed up (with whom i still maintain a friendship) and all of a sudden he was sabatoging my life and spitting poison at me and i woke up screaming in my head "i hate you i hate you i hate you". that is SUPER simplified- it is really hard to explain how deeply disturbing the situation we were in was, but... add a pain in my neck and head that makes standing or being alive challenging, and you've got a recipe for a difficult morning.

i have been feeling like the afterburn coma has begun to wear off a bit. i actually made a badass pendent this week. my head has felt a little clearer (minus the dreams) and i have been able to communicate a little bit better. i have done some powerful card readings. much strife and struggle is involved in all of the predictions, but always it is about the challenge of renewal and rising above. that in store is infinite union, is success.
i had a second interview with the Crucible yesterday for the studio manager position.... it is the first "real job" i have applied for in years. it is the first time i have been so focused on a "real job" .... and i am praying and visualizing every day for this to come through. I have been struggling with creating financial stability for so long, and my art has buckled under the pressure. i am no longer excited about creating due to financial stress. now i am facing the opportunity to have financial stability doing something that i feel is related to my skillset and interests, while keeping my art for myself. i could rock this job, feel good about it, feel part of a greater whole, feel plugged in and connected to the metalworking world, forge connections and opportunities for my personal work and teaching... and mostly, i would feel purposeful and useful. the challenge would make me step up. and once that is in place, i know that i will want to make more art. i will feel better about myself and my life all the way around. so... every day i am visualizing accepting this job. and it has HEALTH BENEFITS!! i haven't had health coverage since i was in college.... that would be almost 8 years ago. my doctor visits are as much as my rent every time. i come home stressed and crying instead of feeling good about working towards good health. i could even get my wisdom teeth out- - - - which i am now wondering about as the cause for my constant headaches.

fall is here... and i long for the east coast. it is the only time i want to go back. i miss the smell, the leaves, that air... so much that it feels like my very core is in mourning from it. at this point, however, i can't leave. i am in debt, waiting for temp work, waiting to hear about this job, waiting to make progress on possibly getting a new home... all this waiting in limbo. fall is a time of transition and change, so it is appropriate, i guess, but... it is so disjointing to not be able to process with the season change like i used to. those walks through the forest, picking through leaves, the light through the dying colors... i think i was much more able to work through whatever transition i was going through. walks have always been where i get my best thinking done, and not only is the air/season different here in california, but i can't even go walking regularly. the pissed-on littered concrete streets of east oakland just aren't the same as the woods of new england...
as an aquarian with a passion for change and movement, stagnancy is my greatest enemy. i have felt too grounded, almost caged. how can i leave??? i take risks to do so. but i think i must. otherwise it will be 4 years since i have seen the majestic new england transformation...
"Friend, I have been a long time away from my center.
What you see here is your own reflection.
I am still raw, and at the same time, well cooked, and burnt to a crisp." RUMI

find the joy- paint your fingernails red.

2008-09-22T12:32:00.000-07:00

i've STILL got it. the AfterBurn Coma. Can't focus on anything, feel totally lazy, don't want to create. without creating, i feel listless and pointless, and it all goes 'round in circles again. the internet doesn't help. i could sit here all day. too many things and people to distract myself with. maybe i need to limit myself to twice a day on the internet, and allot only a certain amount of time. yeah right.

everyone is going away... this one to europe, this one to asia, this one to south america. i usually go somewhere- even if it is a little trip. i've always taken off. it's the way i deal with stagnancy. and it usually works well. i come back with a desire to be home, reflections that make me want to work and create again.
but right now, i am stewing, sitting. my studio mocks me from 10' away. i have no desire to be in it.
why don't i pick up an go like i always do? i cannot blame my relationship, but it is part of it, for sure. i keep suggesting trips and he says no, or won't make a decision. we have been doing everything together for the entire year- even before we were together. so it's hard to just say "well, i'm going," when i own the car, and tommy is gone. that would be hard on him. but i am going nuts.

but then the question is: where would i go, anyways? not really sure. it would be nice to go see a friend someplace beautiful, but who and where? i could just go somewhere remote by myself. i don't know.

Tanta Luci died today. she was the most vivacious woman i knew, well into her 90's. she was my great aunt, of sorts... she lived in amsterdam with my great grandparents, helped raise my grandmother and then my mom... she escaped holland with my family when the nazi's invaded- i remember her story of the little boat they jumped into, being shot at... and she lived in the same building my grandmother did in nyc, 83rd and madison, until she died. i remember my brother and i fighting over who would get to push the elevator button (12th floor) to get us up to her apartment... and the smell of that building... the way she always acted completely surprised to see us when we arrived at her door again and again, up and down between the 7th (my nana) and the 12th. the inflection in her thickly accented speach- so full of life, so sassy. her beauty, even into her nineties, emanated from her like the thick scent of roses in late summer. my favorite picture of her- the one that is on my desk right now- is of her at 80-something, in a cream colored flowing shirt that reached only mid-thigh, on a bridge someplace tropical, posing- one gorgeous leg (even at 80something!) bent in a feminine, elegant posture- a delighted, open-mouthed smile on her face.... she has a bright red tropical flower in her gray hair, big ol' red sunglasses that match perfectly, and the same color red pumps. her hand is up in a sweeping jesture of joy in it all.... her fingernails were painted that same color red.

this is how i will remember her best. the last several years of her life were a downward spiral of pain and dimensia. she was so full of life for so long, and then suddenly her light was dimmed. she was ready to go long before it happened, and i was glad i got to see her over the last two years. but she was not the same woman. and so i will keep this photographic memory in my mind. i want to find the joy inside of myself and of life that she held for so long, even going through all that she went through.
i have some work to do.
i love you, Tanta Luci. you were always an inspiration. rest in peace.

more temple experience pics

2008-09-14T14:29:00.000-07:00

top photo by john curley

more temple experience pics

2008-09-14T14:23:00.000-07:00

burn

2008-09-14T14:17:00.000-07:00

two weeks ago we burned the temple. up to now, the best i could do for reflection was to sift through pictures. it was such a long intense experience that i feel like i went into some kind of denial or coma or something about it afterwards... the realization of what we did would flash behind my eyelids or pass over me in a rather nauseating wave, but then it would be gone. i felt a little numb, a little dazed.
then last night, i saw this:
video.stumbleupon.com/#p=6g3g4hbwhq

i don't know who the person is that made it, but the fact that they put one of the most significant songs of my life to it, to watch the thing over again and from a different point in the circle, well.... they pretty much nailed it for me. i got full body shivers through the whole thing, and although i couldn't squeeze out any tears, i gripped brent's hand tight the whole time as if it was the first time around, in disbelief, gasping at each moment audibly.

if you have ever poured your life into a piece of artwork or a project, you know that it never, ever turns out the way you might expect or want it to. there is a prominent lesson each time in letting go of preconceived notions. there are consistent lessons in flexibility, in stamina, in strength all the way around. i don't think any of us felt like it was the way we thought it would be, or even wanted it to be. shrine himself had to bend from his original vision so much that to him it was practically a new piece altogether. brent is learning a cad program right now because he is so obsessed with redoing certain structures in a better way than he did them.

it's really hard for me to think too much on my artwork's role in the temple, because honestly i was pretty damn disappointed about certain things. i have avoided reflection. but maybe it's time to. it's time to see them for what they were, and more importantly, for what they *became*. for one of my favorite parts about art is it's transformation over time and through experience- that is what has made me leave behind so much of the academic fine art world for interactive art. because the beauty of change ads infinitely to any piece, and exponentially outward with every person it contacts.

there were those weird corner square-hole-spikey instruments of death that i thought were totally strange and stark until shrine went at them with dangly bits. they were pretty badass up there. watching them fall during the burn was super fun cuz i always imagined them kind of like tribal guillotines. when i went to the burn site on monday, two or three of them had been pulled out to the side and wired together so that they stood and collapsed against each other in a strange beatlejuicean sculpture; the fire had turned them bronze with hints of purple here and there. another one had been dragged out to the other side and somehow stood up (these were not freestanding originally, so it was warped and wired in order to do so) and 5 of the spikes had aluminum soup cans over them. some guy was playing them like an instrument for half an hour as i perused the burn site. there were 8 total to start with, and i only saw maybe 4 at the burn site, which means people made off with the rest of them. i wonder what people did with them, where they hang or stand in someone's backyard or mantle piece.

the scrap flowers that i loved so much have seemingly disappeared. the petals were all the scrap pieces from the knee braces that Jim welded for the poles in the main structure, and i turned them from a pile of scrap into 3 lotus-like flowers. the flowers lost their home for a while after plans for the glass and driftwood houses changed, but at the last minute were designated for Bryan's heartbeat installation. for anyone who didn't try it, he installed a heartbeat in the playa... you could enter the little area with a rug on it at the base of the temple and feel the "heartbeat of the earth" on your whole body. anyways, right before the burn i realized they weren't there anymore, and i hoped they had made it in the box truck. they didn't show up in oakland. wooooshhhhhh letting them go. that's what this is all about, right? i mean, they didn't burn!

the fire cauldron that i made out of an old gate, scraps of cheesy aluminum ivy, a burn barrel and other things turned out really well, and i felt pleased the most when we finally got it raging with fire a couple of nights. i had a lot of fun making it because it was like nothing i had done before. shrine really inspired me to try something different. that felt good. but it's sitting in oakland now, too heavy to move without a forklift... what do i do with it? i don't have a backyard (YET<<<), but maybe it would be nice in one. and the firepods.... my major disappointment. they took forever to finish, maybe longer than they should have. doug sinclair ended up breaking his hand (our only major injury of the entire project) trying to get them up onto the temple. they were all set to have brilliant light in them, as well as fire from the top. but once they were up, it turned out the the lights were TOO bright- they tripped the whole solar power scheme that was powering the rest of the lights on the temple. i finally threw some lame little LEDs in them just to have SOMETHING... it barely did anything. and the fire? well, the dude just never showed up to hook up the hoses to the tanks, and no one else seemed to know what to do with them. so in the end i felt kind of disjointed, because i spent so much energy and excitement on them, and they were lackluster. yah, yah, i am sure some people enjoyed them anyways. but i kept saying that to brent about the glass houses- !!! - and he still was disappointed. so we pulled them down because i had asked if i could keep instead of burn them. then i could sell them and make some money for all the time that i didn't this summer. i thought that shrine was going to pull all of his gorgeous windows down as well and sell them.... but when i found out he was going to let them burn too... something shifted. why should i keep anything? what's the point in that? that felt out of balance. it felt selfish. so right before the burn i picked up one of the firepods and dragged it into the glass house. it felt right. i walked back to sit down and saw someone hauling it out, and i had to grab it from him and put it back on top of this crazy pile of wood, and i felt super disturbed and crazy, almost crying from having to do it twice. doug stopped me in my huffing and puffing state and held me and reminded me to stop and find the intention that i had held when i placed in the temple the first time, to let go of the distress. i love that man. he is such a badass. so i kept three, but i burned one. and as it burned, it felt good. but then i got excited about seeing it afterwards. i knew it would survive the burn, and i was excited to see the metamorphosis. some of my sculptures have gone through crazy experiences- being run over with an industrial lawnmower, or being thrown off of a pier, for example- and i have always ended up enjoying that change. arrowone told me that she slept next to the piece as the embers died down, said it was totally intact, and that she loved being near it... i got excited to go see it and grab it from the ashes.......... but someone took it. ?????? someone loaded it on their art car (cuz the thing was totally too big and awkward for a bike) and took it home with them. i had to think on the feelings that such a person was experiencing that led them to this action. entitlement? i don't know where they got that one. excitement? sure, that makes sense i guess. finders keepers? hmmm.... i guess everyone loves a groundscore at burning man. maybe they just were in rapture at some kind of spiritual connection to the temple and didn't even think twice about it. i mean, i got some lessons about how differently people approach "spirituality" and their relationship with this thing that were not pretty. wake up calls. but i admit to being sad that i didn't get to at least SEE what happened to it, to take pictures of the change in the steel. now it's in someone's yard or their house.... and they look at it every day and see their idea of burning man and the temple, and have no clue whatsoever of where that thing came from or all that it's been through or all that i have been through on the journey of making it and participating in this thing every day for the last 6 months. one of the not-pretty wake-up calls was on the perimeter at sunset before the burn. we had the first perimeter that was closer in for the preparatory work on the temple. but when it was time get things rolling, we of course had to expand the perimeter back because the fire would be so damn big it would melt your face off if you were that close. so we were kindly asking people to step back to the second row of cones for the burn. i came upon a man dressed in pink from head to toe- he had long pink yarn extension hair, several nasty face piercings, an enormous beer gut, and many rainbowy cheesy, peace sign accessories decorating his outfit. i asked him to move back and instead of doing it, he got raging pissed at me. he said that i didn't know my shit and i should go talk to my superiors because rangers told him he could sit there. he said i needed to get my information straight. he raised his voice. i was in shock, and tried to keep my voice calm and soft, but directly told him that we did not intend to burn him WITH the temple, so i hoped he could understand. he said who was i to tell him what to do as he had "been at the temple for hours and hours doing spiritual shit" so i should just fuck off and get my info straight. he was at the temple for hours doing spiritual shit. his sense of entitlement, and his anger (!??) in regards that that just blew me away. and i was looking at him in shock, looking at all of efforts to physically distract from his nasty insides, looking at his rage and feeling so in disbelief that i couldn't argue with him. honestly he was totally pathetic and it's pretty funny, but at the time i started tearing up. i looked at him directly and asked him if he was really arguing with me about this. if that was what he wanted. it didn't matter- he was gesturing and posturing and probably would have physically pushed me if jessica hadn't come over and been my backup. don't fuck with jess. seriously. the fact that that incident made me cry instead of laugh was pretty telling. it had been a long fucking year. we had all been pouring so much into this thing... but it doesn't even matter. ***it wasn't our thing anymore.*** as soon as we opened that piece up to the public, it was no longer our project. it was everyone's and anybody could come along and claim their part of it or their role with it or take from it as they saw fit. there was a longstanding mental whirlpool about entitlement or credit going on within the project itself, but it was totally nullified. there were plenty of people who took credit where credit wasn't necessarily deserved, or DIDN'T take credit where it was. there were all sorts of folks who attached themselves to the name and mystique of the thing but not to a tool to build it. there were people who shirked what some of us would see as responsibility, but "responsibility" to this thing was all a relative thing. i realize now that it was all in what one decided for themselves, and that we all relied on each other to make decisions regarding the project and getting it done and supporting each other with integrity, and that that was all we could beyond acting with integrity ourselves. and it was up to us, similarly, to enjoy what we were doing regardless of how grueling or draining. and it was also our own responsibility to let go when and where need be. and everyone's need is different. so. here we are back home. the temple is burned. i have a couple of things to show for it. which is more than most can say. which makes me feel a little strange. but otherwise, i am drained financially, i have very few job prospects. there are a couple of things on the horizon, and this project is now on my resume. metalwork. event coordination. project support. okayyyyyy.... none of it matters, and all of it matters. i can't really make up my mind about this thing, and i think maybe it will just stay that way. that just like during the project, there will be days where i will have huge love, pride, joy and release about it, and there will be days that i will prefer not to think about all the time and energy and sweatbloodtears that went into it. but i do feel gratitude, regardless. for lessons, for the opportunity to bring something to this project that affected so many people. i am grateful that brent and i got through the challenges and came out loving each other more and knowing so much more about being in a relationship with each other, ourselves and in general. i am grateful for the relationships i made through the project, and hope that i can maintain them, and not feel to bad about the fact that some people saw me in states that i am not too proud of. there were definitely those kind of days. gratitude is the way. i think people are grateful for what we did. and that's a nice thought. and sifting through hundreds of people's pictures of this thing we did, and being anonymous as i do it... that's kind of thrilling. it gets you out of your ego. you can pat yourself on the back a little, but it's better to just open your wings and fly up into the swirl of all that is bigger than yourself, the dust devil of all those people's hopes and dreams and appreciations and excitements and entitlements and desires and reflections. so, thanks. more pictures up on flickr: flickr.com/photos/loa_frequency/

staying with it....

2008-08-09T14:42:00.000-07:00

we are home for the longest span of time (two hours) since..... monday? tuesday? everything's a blur. brent didn't sleep AGAIN last night. that would be three nights in a row, plus a super late nights before that, and constantly on his feet. i have never seen a man work so hard AND be so competent, but i have been worried and at times, resentful and angry. every thing takes hours longer than planned. four truck loads in four days? WTF were we thinking?????
mainly there is just too much for one person to handle as a manager... especially one who is such a perfectionist. but he's done it.... i am just worried about how the next month will be... will it just continue like this? it can't.... he is finally sleeping.... but fitfully. he is twitching and making sounds and this is unusual. he is SO stressed it is emanating even in his sleep.

i have tried my best to be as supportive as possible, to not ask too much of him, to spend all my time at the warehouse whether i am physically working or not, just being moral support, errand girl; mama shrizz providing sustenance when needed. but this is getting to be too much. feelings of resentment are stirring. i wake up in the RV to the revving bus engines and the clankings horns without him next to me and i am angry. there is such beauty in what we are doing, and especially in what HE is doing- the devotion is astounding. but i prefer it if my friend were healthy and happy FIRST. and it is all i can do to take care of him without him resisting... until he is too tired and then realizes that he needed that food or that footbath or that water.
i went to sleep having dark visions of our journey on the playa. last year was so emotionally draining for me, and so lonely. i don't want that again. especially for a month. but i envisioned it. i woke up from a nap just now to nightmares of a disturbing ilk... not violent or fast paced, but that of happiness going sour. i had this beautiful little tiny kitten, and it leapt from my loft and died... amongst other things, all while brent is carrying loads of shit on his back too and fro.

gonna try not to dwell. shaking this off... all of it. too much to do. gotta be strong, gotta stay with it. gotta put the self aside, put the worrying aside. my aquarian brain must be turned off for a bit.

gotta stay humble and positive. onward. upward.

bow the fuck down.

2008-08-09T14:41:00.000-07:00

Thu, August 7, 2008 - 3:24 PM

we slept (or didn't sleep) last night at the American Steel Warehouse where we have been building the Temple ... and this morning was a very powerful and monumental one... the 40' spiral staircase was tipped and lowered to it's side... it's hard to describe what a feat and what an emotional experience this was for the few who witnessed it and fewer still who worked on it, but suffice it to say, it leaves us with a feeling of encouragement to create this dream, as well as an overwhelming sense of feeling like a tiny ant amidst the jungle that lies ahead, around, above us. pouring so much time, energy and love, sweat, money, tears and blood into these pieces of art and creation, sometimes one can get lost in the details and the moment, and all it takes is a step back to change the scale so drastically. but it is also a lovely thing to remember, WITHIN our humility, that what we are doing, however transient, however strange, is part of a fierce magnificence that will alter 50,000 minds... and lives. some greatly, some minutely, but there is a ripple effect.
some of the men who are working on this project are so completely and utterly devoted to it that i am floored, awed, impressed beyond belief. brandon and the staircase men hadn't slept in two days... but the deadline for the crane was firm, so they just kept going... at 3:30 i checked up on them, and tried to contain the MamaShrizz wringing-of-hands as i watched them handling saws and welders and climbing 40' stairs again and again, barely able to stay awake. at one point, brandon literally fell asleep at the top of the stairs. they had to carry him down, and plop him on a chair.... which he proceeded to fall off of into a pile of bottles and cans. he slept there amidst them like a hobo...
somehow i slept through the crane pulling out along side the RV... slept through the staircase being lowered. i am super bummed about that, as it was described to me as one of the most emotional experiences of this whole thing to date, and a precursor of how completely unpredictable this thing and it's effect on us and the thousands who participate with it will be.

but folks, when you see Shrine, Brent, Brandon, Tim, Rowan and Josh, BOW THE FUCK DOWN. these men are superheroes, doing this for the love, and for a glory with no name. i have never witnessed anything like this, and am humbled AND proud to be connected to them and part of this process in a small way.

giving in, the smell of excitement, and fear.

2008-08-03T12:46:00.000-07:00

i have given in. Burning Man's theme this year is "The American Dream." i recoiled at this when i first heard. now i accept. we create this. for once, it is up to us. it is our dream.

my life is the temple right now. the temple and my epic love with Brent. i fought it for a while- always saying i had other or more valid things to do than this crazy project... because a deep part of me still resists the fact that i am taking part in burning man again. still feels that it isn't what i should be devoting my life to considering i was TRYING to become a "professional"... to grow up, to make money, to focus on sustainability. this project kicks all of those things to the curb.
but resistance was only holding me back from my personal potential, it caused rifts between brent and i, and made me feel isolated. i haven't been able to focus on my personal business much anyways, so in the end i felt like i was just trying too hard to play some stupid game with myself to convince myself that i was still on the "grown up" path... to keep some distance.
but who am i kidding? no one, anymore. i have given in. i have been pushed and inspired by the scope of this grand scheme, by my peers and elders involved. shrine's devotion to being one with art, to exploring the endless possibilities, has revitalized my own art and my own part in all of this. my skills as a welder have increased, and i am making things i would have never made. i am opening my head to bigger, larger opportunities for creation. i am not toning down too much. why should i? now there is a place for anything, because here we are, creating our own niche, and creating a force that will demand people's attention and love and interest.
we will make this sustain us in the end, after all this hard work with no compensation, because eventually people will want what we have to give enough to pay for it. it's already happening. it's on the horizon.
so in the last week or two, i gave in. i stopped pretending that anything else was as important as being at that goddamn disgusting, toxic warehouse every single day. i try not to think too hard on how many years this few months is cutting off of our lives, and thinking more about how enriching the experience is. thinking more about what the culmination of all of this will bring, for us, for 50,000 other people. and once i gave in, owned this as my reality, my mood lightened considerably. i have always been so multifaceted and multi-focused- doing so many different things- it is kind of refreshing to be single minded for a while. i am home today to teach a metalsmithing lesson- and this will be the first time i have worked in my own studio in weeks... strange, a little disjointing, and cause for reflection. but really, there is no time for pause...

we leave in 9 days.
we ship out in three.
this thing is happening.

i said i wasn't going back. but my life has become preparing for this.

up until two nights ago, i hadn't gotten any real playa-fever feelings... those chills of excitement about being there, those hop-up-and-down moments about the event. as more and more friends told me they wouldn't be going out this time (or ever again), i was having trouble cultivating my excitement or getting visions that fluffed me up for this month i will devote to being in the desert. but the other night as i was drifting off to sleep, i got it: my first whiff of the magic. i was taking that first night time bike ride across the open playa, with that impossible multitude of stars above my head, the silence of the empty city yet built, the echoes of ghosts to come, the smell and the feeling of the desert air in my nose........ the only way you will understand what i am describing is if you've been there, and those of you who have should get chills at that.... and i did. and for the first time, i looked forward to being there. not that i haven't looked forward to the project coming together, but i haven't looked forward to being there. especially for a month.
then i read nico's blog.... and altho the whole of it is extremely beautiful, capturing the essence of what it is this crazy thing is all about and what it brings out in the best of us... my demons held onto that last paragraph:
"Yeah… it’s gonna be real dusty. The playa has a crust and more dunes than I’ve ever seen in 5 years. "

FEAR seeps in. or rather, clamors me over the head.

last year was HARD. the hardest physical experience i ever had. i was in 3 major storms that lasted 2 days, and i was only there for 11 days. now i will be there for a month. and Nico is an expert on the subject.... if he says it's the dustiest ever, well, he's not shitting us. dustier than last year?????? could it be?????

why do we do this? why the desert? why do we put ourselves in this position? is it really the only place we can feel truly free? why are we burning this thing that we have invested 5 months and countless amounts of energy into?????? i remember packing up the truck last year during that last storm and just having to laugh at how totally ridiculous it all was, asking myself what the hell i was doing, what any of us were doing out there. does the Mother really want us there? is it getting dustier every year because even she wants to ban our blasphemous human viral presence?

i bought an RV. i'm hoping this will keep me sane. i will have a safe space to retreat to, out of the wind and dust. i can't believe i bought a fucking RV. for this.

but i cannot spin on the negative. because the whole point of this blog is that i have given in. i am not fighting it. i am finding the beauty in what we are doing. trying to inspire it in others, to share it. to remember that this is a gift in many ways, one that we are giving AND receiving, and it is up to us to reap and sow the benefits. that is a powerful thing. and since i have embraced this, my life has felt easier. brent and i have created space to fall deeper in love with this extra glue that binds us. i know that i am so very blessed to even have to privilege and opportunity to go through all of this. to give up on making money, and to spend all that i have, for the sake of art, for love, for experience, and for what i will create as the American Dream.

we got on NBC the other day. see here. and here.

new photos of basura sagrada

2008-06-29T23:35:00.000-07:00

http://www.flickr.com/photos/loa_frequency/sets/72157605561344012/