I'm going to do it.

I haven't done it in 22 years.

It's a big, scary step for me...

like my flying adventure last week...

only BIGGER!

I am going to read the book of Revelation.

It is the only part of the Bible I have only read once.

And it scared the shit out of me.

While I haven't been a "Christian" in 20 years, I am still pretty much a Jesus freak.  Our Bibles are always close at hand... on a shelf in my kitchen island next to The Life and Teachings of the Masters of the Far East, Autobiography of a Yogi, Theory of Everything, Women Who Run with Wolves and Vision.

While I consult our Bible regularly... I carefully fingertip-toe around the book of Revelation... like I avoid the movies the Exorcist and Saw and people with Swine flu.

But it has been calling me, lately.

Isn't that strange?

Maybe not.

When the 24 headline ticker is nothing but violence and war and pestilence and catastrophe and collapse and Tiger Woods... I can't help but contemplate where humanity is heading.

I seek answers.

Solace.

Maybe this final chapter won't give me that.

But Spirit tells me that since I have a different perspective about the nature of reality now, maybe this chapter will be enlightening.

Revealing, rather than fear-inspiring.

But I think I will wait until I am not home alone... 

when it isn't dark and freezing outside...

and not before bed.

Namaste,

C H E Z

Do you ever look around at the people in your world and see a flatness?

Like an old ghost town, where there are shack buildings with shallow facades dressing them up?

Two-dimensional?

Do you ever feel that way yourself?

Zombie-walking through your days, going through motions, being in a way that is expected, but is unreal and flat?

 

I consider myself a vibrant 4-dimensional being, but I catch myself, all the time, moving unconsciously through life.

It takes presence to live conscious and aware. And frankly, sometimes I am lazy and I would rather be flat.

Yet there are moments when the fullness of being is effortless. When I am painting, journaling, writing, singing, creating, that full, juicy, richness fills me and radiates outward.

What is it that gets you there?

When do you get soul deep and experience the fullness of who you are?

Is there a way that we can capture that original bliss and carry it with us through the ordinary steps of our life?

Or can we just stop doing all the ordinary altogether and live full-time in the creative instead?

Namaste,

C H E Z

The past 2 years has been all about letting go for me.

Some of the lettings go have been a natural part of the life cycle.

I had to let go of my children as they became adults.

I had to let go of my youth as a new era started dawning on my face and body.

Some were shocking releases - torn from my heart.

I had to let go of some very strong belief systems about truth and justice always prevailing.

I had to let go of my dependency on financial security.

I am in the process letting go of my home.

I am in the process of letting go of the blueprint of what I thought my life was going to be.

 

As my journal expresses, I have never been good at letting go.

I stress myself trying to control situations... trying to keep the plot of my story going the way I planned.

When I lose... when I finally give up and let the Universe take it, I grieve and rage deeply.

I am tired.

The clinging is killing me.

I have been wondering if I can change. If I can let go and go with the flow. If I can detach from the outcome of EVERYTHING, and enjoy just living in the moment.

I feel better just thinking about it.

When I feel my gut cinching and my brain twisting into a tight grip, I have been gently reminding myself,

"Release"

"Release"

It is like floating. Catching a wind and gliding. And funny... In that space of no effort, miracles happen. Big, soul level dreams manifest, as they never could with all my bloody, sweaty, tearful, EFFORT.

 

Release.

Namaste,

C H E Z

 

Two feet planted safely on my home turf.

Strangely, I was really really nervous the nights before my flights... but once at the airport and on the plane, I enjoyed it immensely. Angels calmed the skies for our flight. They were each the smoothest, clearest flights I have ever taken.

Seeing the Grand Canyon, the Great Salt Lake, and Lake Tahoe from 30,000 feet was awe inspiring.

 

We got our mock up and had a beautiful snow flurry that crystallized the world and made the simple act of driving an adventure!

 

We had a girls day with my sister, crushing on gay men in Cobras, and young ones singing love songs on the stage. Laughing at how 1 little ol' martini effected my sister.

We had nieces sit on our laps and Rhodesians nose our cold noses.

Mattea and I cuddled under the covers and giggled until our toes got warm.

   

I kept waiting for the regret to sneak up on me... the shame that I was so impulsive and took off on a whim.

Never happened. Never will.

Just little sketch...

Will be back from Colorado on Thursday!

Namaste,

C H E Z

So my daughter and I made it to Denver. Yesterday was a beautiful day for flying. Barely a wobble of turbulance! The winds and rain from earlier in the week had cleared the sky giving us incredible visibility.

Flying over my old home of San Diego made me a little homesick. Fly over the Grand Canyon was amazing. And flying into Denver was gorgeous!

I was so worried about me freaking out and being nervous --- I didn't worry about Mattea who told me she likes flying. Then last night told me she didn't like it as much as she thought. I t was boring.

Teenagers!

Sheesh!

Off to University of Denver... some lunch with my sister... some more bonding with the neices... then Spring Awakening. I can't wait.

Namaste,

C H E Z

Where is ol' man winter?

There are still too many leaves on my trees.

Maybe there will be snow in Colorado?

A light dusting would be pretty, especially since we don't see snow in our part of Cali.

That's my mock up... a little powdered sugar on the ground.

Namaste,

C H E Z

 

"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice."   Meister Eckhart

There are times when our light goes out.

Sometimes the winds of circumstance overpower us and extinguish our spark.

Sometimes when a storm is blowing, rather than observing from the safety of our temple, we venture out and willingly join in the tempest, effectively blowing out our own flame.

Today I express my gratitude to the soul brothers and sisters that re-mind me of who I am and help reignite my spirit.

My copies of "Dreaming on the Page" arrived in the mail today. WOW! I impressed even myself. The print quality is stunning!

Be advised if you purchase a hard copy of the Zine, Lulu prints on demand, so the wait time is longer than if it was already printed and just shipped. But it was so worth the wait!

Also --- If you live in the Central Valley, tomorrow is the Hand Born Modern Craft Bazaar in Downtown Modesto. I will be there with art and recycled paper earrings. Come down and visit!

Listen to the whole song before you read this post.

   

Something about music can really set the soul to soaring, doesn't it?

My skin breaks out in goosebumps and an ecstatic tingle shudders to the core, electrifying my being.

Emotions swell, tears well and spill...

a baptism.

Music is what kept me going to church for many years...

I'd go every Sunday if I could just listen to the choir sing then get up and leave before the preach. Actually, that could be kinda fun. Go into a church and sit in the front row for the kickin' choir and then get up and walk out before they ruined my buzz. Think they'd get it?

It makes me wonder why music effects us that way.  A certain chord is struck, a layer of perfect harmonies, the mathematical perfection in the melodies... it realigns my DNA and my soul takes flight.

 

Namaste,

C H E Z

Song of Purple Summer - Cast of Spring Awakening

 

I made an impulsive decision.

I really want my sister, Niki, to see Spring Awakening. She lives in Denver and the national tour is going to be there at the beginning of December. I was going to buy her tickets as a Christmas present... but being the control freak that I am, I didn't trust that she would get a sitter and actually GO!

So I bought two more tickets and two round trip plane tickets and my youngest daughter and I are taking a whirlwind couple of days to take my sister to a musical.

Really.

We are totally excited and making all our plans, buying sweaters, etc...

There is just one thing:

I HATE flying.

I used to be fine with it. I was in the AIR Force for Christ's sake! Then I had kids and the fear of flying manifested itself.

The flying part isn't what scares me. It's the crashing part.

Obviously.

Telling me it is safer than driving does not assuage the dread, so don't try.

It used to be that I wouldn't even ENTERTAIN the idea of traveling if it involved a plane.

But I didn't think twice about booking the flights to Denver. It shocks me. I am flying in cold weather over the ROCKY mountains!

I keep checking my gut and trying to find that familiar panic.

It isn't there.

I find myself trying to create the fear --- trying to dig up false evidence --- imagining flight scenarios that should easily freak me out, recalling as the many airline tragedies as I can, 

But they don't hold.

What happened to me!

Did I grow out of this FEAR?

Do you outgrow your fears like your taste buds change? I didn't like tomatoes when I was young and now I can't have a salad without them...

is fear like that?

Maybe it really hasn't hit me yet because the trip is still a week away.

Or maybe my belief about reality changed.

I have always had ideas about the nature of reality, maybe they finally sunk in deep enough and changed me at my core.

I like that better.

Namaste,

C H E Z