Orilea :: Out Loud

I Like to Feel Like Crap

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Sun, 12 Oct 2014 02:49:00 +0000

So, here's a true confession:

I don't really want to feel well, even though I think I do (and, yes, part of me genuinely does).

Lately, the way I screw myself up is I end up eating the wrong things. I end up not moving my body even though I know it literally saves me from feeling like crap - physically, emotionally, psychologically. (gah! exercise. ick.)

I end up with migraines, body aches, and malaise on so many levels.

I know I do this. I have known I do this for quite some time.

I do things like...

I sabotage feeling good when I'm feeling good by doing the wrong thing.

(staying up too late)
(drinking with friends when booze upsets everything in my body and brain)
(eating gluten, sugar, not enough protein, crapola)
(not moving enough or damn near rooting my ass to the sofa or under the covers reading/watching)
(worrying obsessively about things I can't fix right now or maybe ever)

Or, I sabotage good feelings by not doing the "right" things.

(moving)
(sunshine)
(nature)
(cleaning up my clutter)
(keeping order in the chaos of my space or my life - a.k.a. getting shit done that needs doing)
(eating well-balanced, complete meals on a schedule... snooze-fest, right?!)
(...and I don't even know what else...)

That's just some of the classic stuff I do and don't do as a way to avoid feeling genuinely, organically GOOD or GREAT for extended periods of time.

I'm a bit allergic to all this good vs. bad, right vs. wrong frame of reference, but that's how it's lodged in me, and that framing is undoubtedly part of the problem I'm having here, too.

But why? Why in the hell do I do (or not do) this? It's like a reflex that goes off in me, and I pull the trigger on some sabotage to prevent feeling awesome.

Today.

I woke up feeling good today. Really good. For no apparent reason. It was a total gift of a feeling, and one I haven't actually felt much of lately.

And you know what the chatter in my head was?

Oh, I feel good, I guess I have to go cross off some things on my to do list (sigh)

...quickly followed by...

Dammit! I really don't want to. I just want to feel good and enjoy that feeling. I'm not gonna do a damned thing.

And you know what? That's what I did. I was just lazy with the feeling and enjoyed it. I felt good, and I didn't do anything with it.

That's what was different about today. Today I consciously let myself off the hook, and just let myself feel good without pressure. So, it's obvious to me some kind of shift has taken place, opening up this space for more visibility into the pattern and a bit of unwinding.

Alongside this new ability to let myself just be with it, I had some powerful flashbacks to my childhood that showed me at least some of the crux of this push-pull dynamic in me.

Underneath it all, I avoid feeling good because when I was little, I had no real control over being made to do things or not, no real control over my time or my schedule, or what errands or tasks I'd be set to. I had no control in many key areas, and I wanted some. Badly.

Feeling not-good was my core defense against not having (enough) control.

If I didn't feel good, it was my get out of jail free card. I started to use it for whenever I really didn't want to do something. I didn't have to do that thing I really didn't want to do in the first place. And someone else would damn well do it because I couldn't. After all, I wasn't up to it. No one can blame me for that, can they?

It's not being willful, it's being not up to it. Which is something inspiring sympathy and empathy from others, and it doesn't piss people off directly -- or at least, they feel bad about being mad if you're some version of sick, unwell, or not up to it emotionally or psychologically, right?

Yup. It was right crafty of me, and damned smart on an instinctive level. (It always amazes me how brilliant we are to come up with just the perfect things to get our needs met, even if those ways don't really serve us well in the long run.)

I also think I had some models for that way of being in my family to boot, which undoubtedly informed my starting to use this way of being in the first place. And it might have been a bit of a passive-aggressive reflection to use, as an example, my Mother's ways against her by acting that way to get my own needs met in a way she (and others in the family) basically taught me, even if her origins were perhaps different.

But even without all of that, I was solving the problem of not having the control I wanted and felt I needed, and I couldn't find a way to satisfy that need as a child in any better way.

Quite frankly, I'm still plagued by not feeling as in control of things in my world as I'd like to be. Who has all the control? No one. It's a fact of existence. And many of us devise many ingenious solutions to that dilemma along the way.

And not being up to it in some form or fashion has been my defense against this loss of control since then. I now have an automatic, instinctive, unconsciously active "get out of jail free" reflex; but it also ends up putting me and keeping me in a different kind of jail in my life.

I don't get to just enjoy feeling good aimlessly, without purpose, just because.

If I feel good, I have to do something I don't want to do.

If I don't feel good, I don't have to. But then I don't feel good, and if there happens to be something I do want to do, well... I can't. I don't feel good.

And it's that simple. And that ingrained. And, therefore, pretty damned complex. Things tend to start simply and then get wrapped up with all kind of threads that tie them into a rather messy knot inside.

I also see that there's this rebellious part of me that just doesn't want to do what I'm supposed to do - even when I'm the one who is setting up the rule.

So, let's say I know how to eat to feel good. That becomes the rule, and then a part of me just rebels against the dreary, daily, sameness of executing that rule. It's boring! And I hate being bored - even when it supports me in the larger sense.

I like the drama of mixing it up... of highs and lows of feeling good and bad. Sameness -- even level, good-feeling sameness -- is dull as hell to some part of me, that part of me that craves the excitement that - let's face it - isn't being satisfied in my life in better ways.

So. There it is, as far as I know it today.

And, sure, there's the psychobabble of comfortable set points we all have, things we've become conditioned to in whatever ways we have honestly come by them, and then there's the real life work where the rubber meets the road of our lives, right?

But how the hell do I unwind this pattern and move through it?

I'm not sure. But what I do know is that things like this show up to be shifted. In fact, they show up because they're shifting. There's a wind at my back, so to speak, and help in the ethers pushing this to unwind.

The first instinct I'm having (and it comes often lately) is just to tell the damned truth to myself.

Stop bullshitting. Stop being afraid to just say it like it is - even if it feels scary because it might be ugly or unsolvable in some sense. Just... be honest. With myself.

Sure, it's scary sometimes to tell that truth to myself, to risk seeing ugliness inside or things that I may feel ashamed about or guilty about or regretful about. But hiding it isn't working either.

What I notice is that when I say the honest thing to myself, even when I cannot penetrate through to a mysterious solution, the first honest truth leads to the next honest truth behind it, and then the deeper, more honest truth behind that, and on and on until it just all reveals itself.

It really does just eventually reveal itself. Step by step. And when it does, it finds its place in the wholeness of me, and I find a balance with it.

I think that happens because I stop resisting the fact that it IS. It exists. Exactly like it does right now.

By steps and stages, I peel back the truth and the resistance to the truth along with it. And then it all somehow shifts like a change in depth perception... the foreground moves to the background and I see it differently. It settles. It sits easier, better... differently.

But I can't get THERE until I start unwinding it with the truth... baby truths if that's all I can handle. Hell, I'll settle for a partial truth if that's all I can face in the moment.

Nevertheless, it all starts with truth. And the willingness to tell it to myself, even if I'm not sure if it isn't only a partial truth.

So, today's truth and the facing of it is step one of this particular unwinding.

We'll see what's behind it. Step by step. I don't know what the next truth is yet that will level up. I just know that it will. Because this pattern is unwinding, and I don't want to block the aliveness that's waiting just behind/underneath it.

What's unwinding for you these days? I'd love to hear about it in the comments below if you want some love for the process you're in.

*mwah* Lovelies!

Orilea

Backing Up Your Facebook (+ more). Beautifully.

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Sat, 04 Oct 2014 05:21:00 +0000

I have a large, active Facebook history that goes back about 8 years.

I've recently decided to give it a rest - either for an extended sabbatical while I ponder whether Facebook and I are going to continue to have a relationship, or as a prelude to deleting my personal account there permanently. I haven't decided yet.

But I wanted to save a copy of my data in the meanwhile.

I figured, 'Hey, no biggie... I'll just avail myself of Facebook's Download a Copy of Your Data function.' What could be easier, right?

Well, that was a rude awakening.

As compared to previous downloads, Facebook has changed what they include when you "Download a Copy of Your Data". Basically, you get next to nothing useful included in that.

For example, if you posted a link to an article or a photo, you will get your text that you may have added as a prelude to the post, but you will not get the article, link, photo, etc. You will also not see any comments associated with your posts.

And messages? Fugeddaboudit. The way they come through is next to useless.

I encourage you to do a download of your data from Facebook and see what they offer. (It's in General Account Settings.) You may be shocked, and, frankly, as upset as I was.

It used to be a better, more comprehensive download. But why am I surprised? Facebook is pretty well known for changing things on the fly regardless of what is good for users.

I prefer a better solution, and, fortunately, there is one!

Plus, it's free or very cheap, depending on your choice of whether you decide to pay for it.

I discovered a wonderful tool called Social Safe for backing up your social media accounts, including Facebook.

Social Safe has a 30 day free trial with full functionality. This is not an anemic, rudimentary feature set under the 'free' label.

Your privacy and passwords are safe. Social Safe does not store your passwords and your data downloads to your local drive only. It's yours to do with as you will.

It works for both Mac and PC.

One license is good for up to 4 social media accounts - including your Facebook, Facebook Page(s), Pinterest, Twitter, LinkedIn, Instagram, your Blog(s), Google+, Viadeo (yeah: I'm not sure what that one is, either). If you own multiple Facebook accounts and want to back them up, each one counts as one account out of the 4 allowed under each license.

It's a paltry $6.99 per year after your free trial to maintain the premium features you may have come to enjoy, like searching through your data at will. This covers 4 accounts on one license. You can buy more licenses if you want to use this tool for more accounts.

Even if you choose not to buy it after the free trial, it's a wonderful, beautiful backup tool that keeps working - for FREE. After the free 30 day trial, you can always decide to buy a license at some later time to get the premium features, and just keep your social media accounts backed up in the meantime indefinitely - free!

Tip: if your Facebook account is large, you may need to run the Sync feature several times until no new data is getting downloaded. It took a handful of Syncs for all of my data to make it down, but so worth it.

I get no kickback here. It's just a wonderful tool, and I love sharing wonderful tools!

Let me know what you think if you give it a try, ok?

Happy Downloading :-)

Orilea

Released! Now what?

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Tue, 01 Jul 2014 18:27:00 +0000

I woke up this past Saturday feeling incredibly excited. In fact, the excitement (and a bit of anxiety) had been building in me over a few days... maybe a week.

But Saturday I felt EXCITED. Like bouncing off the walls with an eager sense of something coming.

Then it came.

And now I'm grappling with the aftermath as I begin to adapt to a very different inner landscape.

So What Happened?

I've got to give you some history and context so it all makes sense when I get to the punchline.

Chronic Psychic Intrusions

I have been enduring a lot of psychic attacks. (I know... I just lost some people, but in my life, and especially lately, there have been a lot of them.) Things have been happening between me and quite a few other people - sets of different situations - and there have been effects.

There's more about this specifically I want to share in another post, actually; things which can be helpful if one is experiencing this sort of thing. But I'm going to do that later to stay more on point here.

Anyway, I sometimes go long periods of time with none of that attack type stuff really happening. Unlike lately, so it certainly had my attention.

But I've always been energetically porous, regardless. Easily affected. Absorbing things into myself with a very high level of permeability. Being an empath type is just part of that equation, but I've always known it's not the whole story.

Energetic intrusions into my space have just been a fairly normal experience in my life - be it empathed energy, malicious intentions from others, or just people pulling on my energy because they wanted something from me (consciously or not), or even that they felt especially close to me and were bombarding me with 'loving' energy.

It's not bad, really. Even the malicious stuff is just par for the course. These things are just part of the entanglement that happens between people at an energy level. Yet all of that has the potential of registering intrusively, and despite a lot of work around it, it would still get through to me with frequency at times.

I'm also sensitive to it in terms of being aware of it. Not everyone is, and it doesn't really detract terribly from their life experience. (I have envied them at times! Though I would not give up my general sensitivity.)

There are lots of theories about why some people have this - particularly when it's to a pronounced degree. And I do believe there are different reasons and sources for different people. There are ways of managing porosity and intrusion. There are ways of working with the grain of one's sensitivity, not against it.

I've gotten experimental and creative, and I've had some success with all of that in terms of keeping my energy space decently managed. But it was still something I had to manage, ya know?

The Divine Warrior

Another piece of this landscape is I'm a warrior type.

I was afraid of the things I would see and feel as a child (light and shady things alike), because I didn't understand them and there was no one around to mentor me. But I grew up into someone who is respectful of yet rarely afraid of dark things.

I tend to take them in stride, and even take them on. It's kind of a reflex.

I know my light. I acknowledge my own darkness. I strive to be whole. But despite all my imperfect humanity, I've never felt smaller than the dark things. Indeed, I have always had a raging, crusading Warrior of Light energy to me. And it's gotten me in trouble sometimes, especially when I was younger and dumber. Ahem... more naive, really.

There have been times I've run at the dark to butt heads with it, like a young buck warrior wanting to test his strength and get a good workout.

In fact, I've had very visceral dreams ('dreams'?) where I would literally pass demons, believing they couldn't see me, and I'd aggressively bump them in their shoulder gangsta-style! {Stupidly} unafraid.

It's a perfect metaphor and prime example of how I tend to go through life... bumping into the bad things, intentionally (thought not always consciously) mixing it up, without care or heed to my own safety, because I know myself to be somehow invincible, strong, made of Light. And part of me feels very experienced in this from way, way back.

Despite all my very human fears of this world and my human fragility, and having a healthy respect for dark things which I do not directly take on or mess with (I've learned that wisdom the hard way), I am at a core level still totally fearless of the things that go bump in the darkest of nights.

And there's another level to that.

I have known myself to be entangled in these skirmishes for a larger cause. Drawing them toward me like a lightning rod makes them visible, vulnerable, and enables their vanquishing. When they come out of hiding and actually do something, they are fair game.

And I get to in some sense participate in shifting the balance of dark and light toward more light, ultimately. Or something like that. But knowing that no matter my personal pain or hassle in the matter, it had a deeper, broader, bigger-than-me spiritual purpose.

And I've been willing to put up with a lot of hassle for this end.

It explains why I would draw dark people and situations to me like a magnet; my very presence would root it out, predictably. I always knew I was there for a reason, to help transmute the dark and make way for the grounding of more light into the world.

And I felt not just ok with that... I felt great about that. It made even the harder things have trans-personal, lasting context, and meaning, even if no one but me ever knew about it.

Saturday Morning, 'The Cut', and Feeling Icky

So, again, I woke up Saturday morning feeling almost absurdly excited, and I didn't know why.

But one of the things on my agenda was to get a haircut. It was with someone new. My hair had grown out a bit and I wanted to get it reshaped into a fresh style.

She was great, but she kind of screwed up the back despite my telling her exactly what I wanted (with pictures, even!) Oddly, she really just didn't or couldn't grasp it and screwed up what I thought we'd agreed on. (Last vestiges of Mercury Retrograde? Sigh.)

But everything is purposeful and productive.

By the time I got out of there I was super rattled, and just energetically unwell. I felt... odd. Really odd. So I came straight home and skipped my other planned errands. I was totally not up for them.

There was serious turbulence in my field and in my being. I really didn't feel right. I figured there was some stuff from the skirmish around the haircut (we ended up in an ok place about it), and I cleared that residue when I got home.

But there were also a lot of the chronic offenders barging into my space. I'd been slacking off slightly on my prayer work and personal space management lately, but stiiiiiiiiill. It's been excessive! And so annoying.

A pattern had been emerging recently that no matter what defenses I put up or processes I kick off toward the chronic offenders, these people and things and situations that I kept clearing just kept coming back. Much more so than usual.

Recently, I've nullified soul contracts, released and retrieved soul parts, cleared insidious stealth curses, and shifted a lot of ancestral lineage patterns. None of that has been enough to prevent the chronic re-occurrence of intrusions lately. Some had definitely diminished, but the overall pattern of intrusion was definitely not going away.

Whenever that kind of thing happens, with something not going away with the usual techniques, there's always something larger afoot. It's about teaching or showing me something, moving me to something new.

It's always just enough pressure or irritation to make me start turning over some new rocks. Patterns should not be ignored. And I don't, to my best awareness, attention, and understanding.

This time in particular, something different was nagging at me. Something wanted to be seen, known, understood. It felt like something I wasn't used to seeing, whatever it was. Something from my depths, trying to float up to my conscious awareness.

So I got quiet and focused within. And the Angelic beings (and others) who work with me, started showing me some things.

Soul History

I was shown all the way back to the very beginning of my cycle of incarnations.

I started out with a certain belief - at a soul level - about essentially using my light in a dedicated way during the incarnation to help others reach closer to Source. It was an altruistic intention, made from a certain limited perspective of understanding.

It falls in with the Warrior energy of believing myself to be strong and invincible enough to help others in this way. Self-sacrifice was just fine, because it was for a much greater good. My pain was fleeting, but expanding Light was worth sacrificing for.

My lives took the shape of having this core element of living for others, and using my life to 'better' them in some way, to connect them to more Light, more Truth, more Source. I was my brother's and sister's keeper, so to speak. Self-appointed! Yet from a Divine intention.

I saw that in many different permutations, from the very beginning, I believed in laying myself down for others as the stepping stone for Light to expand. I was so dedicated at a core level to others living better and more purely with deeper connection, that I took on a personal responsibility for it.

I saw myself take personal vows (formal and informal) and make spiritual contracts, reaffirming this idea over and over and over and over again in any given life, in hundreds, thousands of different ways. Some very subtle and downright unconscious. Some very direct and overt. But all basically based on this concept that my life is to be used to raise up others.

Thoughts for myself, while not unimportant, were ready to be sacrificed if I felt the need was worthwhile.

Over and over and over.

Self-sacrifice is perfectly fine and noble. (There's nothing intrinsically wrong with it.) But in my case, it had become layered into my soul identity and locked in under a tonnage of contracts, vows, and agreements.

It was a point of inflexibility that didn't feel right anymore, but I couldn't see it until the magically appointed time was right for that. It had become a point of in-authenticity - at the soul level.

Who knew the soul, one's very essence, could get locked down from the very beginning into some inauthentic shit? It makes so much sense, because I know souls have personalities or identities like fingerprints, and they evolve. But I wasn't thinking about it quite this way regardless.

I can see how it may have been adaptive for a time, teaching me many things and taking me down many useful paths. But the veil was being pulled back right now for a reason.

A Lighting Rod for the Dark Things

I was also shown how this essential pattern of self-sacrifice for the greater good and transmuting darkness to enhance the light gave rise to the dynamic in my life of drawing darkness out of its corners in order to transmute it for the greater good.

It manifested as, "Because I am strong and I can take it, let me be the lightning rod. I will be the Warrior and use my life in this way."

But it made me by nature very energetically porous. My body and energy was always seeking for what was off in the environment, not just to be aware of it, but to act on it - to bring balance and justice to it... to help.

That energy I've been walking around with of taking action to correct things on some level invited things out of the dark to hammer me, relentlessly sometimes.

The recent chronic psychic attacks? Part of the pattern to help me finally see this and shift it. Because it's time to be free-er.

Without that annoyance calling my attention to there being some sort of larger issue going on, I'm not sure I would have dropped down within myself in quite this way to open up and find this essential core issue.

A bit of a digression on dealing with dark things...

On the upside of all this porosity and dealing with darkness, I have evolved ways of handling those sorts of energies that give me the least wear and tear personally. Though by no means has it been without cost.

I have learned that when you are in a human form, you do NOT go up against dark forces in a mano-a-mano sort of way without getting shredded.

Humans, and in particular human bodies, are not designed for doing that. Mixing it up personally with dark forces and battling it out that way is a recipe for a lot of weakening, illness, sabotage, and any of a host of other problems showing up.

I see people engage directly all the time, thinking they are being valiant Warriors of Light. But if they are really engaging, they tend to get really messed up.

Dark forces are crafty and persistent! They are automatons in that they don't tire or wear out like human bodies do. They are like machines in that way. There is the absolute potential for relentlessness on their parts, and humans always have limits.

You don't really want to be on their personal radar. There are better ways!

There are other forces available whose specific job it is to handle dark things. As a human, which is a Divine energetic being embodied in material form, we have tremendous power to call in these forces on our behalf and the world's behalf to target the dark things that are manifested in this world, all the way back to their origins.

If it touches us or our lives, we have the right to do that. It is part of our free will to choose and to act in the world.

WE can do that, because WE are embodied in form in this world, and WE have a direct vote in how it all plays out.

Our energy is woven in to the materialized world because we are directly plugged into it by being in a body. This is one of the big reasons to incarnate! We get to weave our thread of energy into matter. We get to affect what happens in a way we cannot do without actually taking on form.

Dark forces incarnate as well as Light forces. There are also disembodied Dark and Light forces - many are things which never embody. There's a whole lot of influence of people and situations that are from disembodied energies.

As a disembodied being, the reach is much more limited in terms of creating things directly (light or dark), or bringing balance and justice to the dark energies which play out in embodied realities. The rules and reach are different depending on which side of the embodied line one is on.

It's part of how things are structured and play out in material reality. There are many layers and levels to what we typically consider normal, 3-D reality. It's a complex game.

The Choice

With being shown all of this soul history and how it connects to very real patterns in my life of excessive porosity, psychic attacks, choices I make and keep making around 'helping' others yet feeling that is somehow off and being unable to really follow through fully with passions or careers, etc., based around that... what I was being urged to see in all of this was the option to lay the burden down.

I was hesitant and actually afraid when faced with this choice, but every fiber of me knew that the recent days of excitement and anxiety had been leading up to this door.

I could let go now. I could free myself. And it would be ok.

And I did.

As I was doing it, I intuitively got a number of about 15 million - 15 MILLION - contracts, vows, agreements I'd made that were part of this build up over my lifetimes of incarnation.

I saw this thick husk all around my body of 12-18 inches of packed, dense whitish-grayish energy encasing me... a bulky fat suit of self-sacrificing, vow-type energy, made up of condensed contracts layered one upon the other covering the energy of my soul's true essence.

It sort of un-seamed down the center all in one piece like a suit. And I saw this new version of myself just levitating there in space.

What came out of that thick, dense suit was a lithe, transparent, shiny-around-the-edges being of Divine Essence. Me. The Me that was always at the core beneath the burden. The Me I've never had an opportunity to live from so directly - not in any lifetime to date. Not until right now.

But I don't know that version of me yet.

I sense the bedrock of that Me deep inside the core seed of my being. It's always been there, and at a feeling level, I recognize it. It feels deeply true, real, and right. I totally trust it, and know that I will come into clearer consciousness and alignment with it given a little time.

In fact, in the previous post on Solitude, I mentioned that I'd noticed I am in a cycle that, while I didn't know what it was about exactly, was deep, powerful, and going to last about 3 to 4 months. I was already feeling like such a different version of myself that I didn't quite recognize myself... I didn't know myself in the new energy I was feeling.

This is that thing unfolding. 3 to 4 months to integrate such a shift into consciousness is no time at all, really.

The Aftermath

Can we be real here? Soul panic. That's what I felt at first. I didn't even know I could have soul panic!

Anxiety went through the roof. It's coming down now, but sadness and a bit of depression here and there is showing up. This shift is soaking through the layers of me, and the truth is that my driving organizing principle all this time doesn't exist anymore.

I've left it behind, though it had become an inauthentic thing. And I am left without an understanding of my purpose.

I can feel purpose, but I don't know what it is.

I have been noticing even before this popped forward so directly that I have needed to pull massively back from helping and supporting other people.

I've been doing that for a while, actually, trying to find frameworks that would enable me to help people in a targeted way and still make it feel right.

But there was recently a new level of that. Full stop. Just let go of fixing them in any way. Let go of engaging in their dramas. Let go of feeling as though I can help them. Or that I have something they need. Just... let go. Let them have their journey fully without believing I can make it 'better' by sharing what I know. Or working some healing work. Or whatever.

I find myself trusting people to do their thing, in their own time, in their own way. And if - IF - I have some contribution to make, it will just happen and will not be forced in any way. I don't have to worry about sharing what I know in order to help them. Or make the world better in some way.

While I've been noticing all these elements, I haven't really understood any of it in context until this recent shift over the weekend with letting go of all those contracts and obligations.

I find I have no guiding principle or purpose ordering my life anymore.

I mean... I do - I just don't know what it is right now. It's always been there, I can feel, underneath this burden throughout all these lifetimes, from the very beginning. It's never changed. It feels like such a stable point inside my core, waiting to be acknowledged and accessed.

But what is it? I have no conscious idea at this time.

And despite knowing it will reveal itself, part of me is extremely impatient and stressed out about not knowing right now.

It was time to get free of the burden in order to live a deeper, more authentic life outside the confines of this built up husk of contracts forcing certain ways of being. My Soul was calling me to it. And I'm so grateful to have been able to follow that call.

One big bonus so far?

Zero - and I mean nothing at all - energy intrusions, psychic attacks, stray things or energies in my space, or the like. That whole thing just poofed! Disappeared.

I'm not saying that kind of thing will never show up again, but who knows? It's some kind of different day, that's for sure.

What I do know for sure is the recent (months-long) spate of all of that was clearly tied to showing me something and encouraging my shift.

About helping others, self-sacrifice, etc.

I just want to draw the distinction here, for the sake of clarity on my own personal perspective, that it's not that we should not help one another, or that we don't actually benefit one another directly in these ways.

It's that I've been chronically stuck in a pattern that sees my value as helping in a particular way rather than being more primarily focused on just being the Divine Being I am.

I'm being called into a new balance that has a different core, and I'm not consciously there yet as far as aligning all the pieces and parts. I don't know yet what it means for me to live from that place, but it feels like genuine freedom.

I'm excited to find out, even though in all honesty it's a bit anxiety provoking right now.

So that's where things are.

This has been a different kind of post than my usual. I've exposed a lot of things I almost never talk about in such a direct way. I hope it has made sense to those of you reading it.

I'm not even sure why I posted it except that I felt like I wanted to.

As always, I look forward to hearing your thoughts and feelings in the comments if you wish to share them.

Sending you freedom-granting soul love as you walk your own road,

Orilea

Solitude: The Gift of Sacred Space.

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Sun, 22 Jun 2014 16:18:00 +0000

Lately, I've been giving myself the gift of Solitude.

Something had been itching at me inside for a while to go ahead and quiet everything down. One of those inner world itches, because it's not really about anything conscious... it's just this deep, intuitive urge.

On the conscious level, I knew I wanted to make progress in areas of my life that wanted some focused energy, and I knew I needed to eliminate some distractions for a while (like Facebook) from the equation in order to do that.

(Eliminating Facebook has had a shocking effect, actually. More on that in another post, probably.)

Mostly, though, I just needed to flip an inner switch and give myself that specific space without having to respond to others and their energy, their needs.

Give myself the permission to just respond to myself for a while, to pry the fingers of other people off my time, my energy, my thoughts as much as possible.

It feels like a kind of retreat.

I've been undergoing massive change (internally and externally) for a long time.

This whole year has been extremely intense for me on top of last year which was also a huge set of shifts and challenges. And that's on top of several massively intense years, too! Except in retrospect they were a drop in the bucket compared to recent times.

One thing I've increased over the years is my stamina and ability to roll with intensity, to heal large things in small amounts of time, to free myself.

I've cooked, tempered, and honed into someone that I really like and can genuinely appreciate.

I've had an enormous amount of growth and insight, and that's just the bit I'm conscious about. It always feels as though my conscious awareness is the tip of the iceberg compared to my intuitive awareness of the larger pattern. It feels that way because it's the way it is.

This year in particular, however, has brought a lot to my door.

Partly, I think that's a side effect of the collective planetary energy this year which feels very different than any time before. The container of energy we are all swimming in is quite different to my reckoning than it has been, though it's hard for me to describe exactly how.

It's more, though. More is possible. The aperture of energy is wider and cleaner. But anyway. That's just part of the ingredients of what's happening these days that feels worthy of a mention, since we are all undergoing very personal shifts inside a very collective matrix.

Whatever all the causes and drivers for it, not the least of which is a lot of personal, focused, inner work, something inside me has built up a mountain of changes that need time and space to process at the less conscious levels.

Solitude has been both my activator and my balm.

I am catching up to myself in ways that are hard to describe, but that feel delicious. It feels like something is settling out and finding its new level in the quiet, dark, mysterious spaces in between things.

I feel as though whatever it is that's happening will be taking another 3-4 months. I can feel it better than I can mentally understand or explain it, and that's just fine.

I actually feel as though much of my own self-concept is changing.

My sense of my identity is not what it was, but it hasn't landed anywhere solid yet. That's a bit unnerving, but it also feels very right on, and that deeper feeling is ultimately reassuring.

I have this sense that I do not know who I am right now. I can feel a deep touchstone of myself within, but the details have changed, and I don't know what they are yet.

So, there is this stable anchor point that is felt, that I feel grounded into. But I am letting go of all the concepts I identify myself with. They just don't feel like they fit anymore. I'm sure many will remain when it's all sorted out, or perhaps they will be held in just a slightly different angle.

Many times lately I am surprised that something is just not interesting to me any more, when it used to feel like a "passion". But new things are emerging every day, too. New glimmers. None of which have settled out into anything tangible yet.

But this is not a time to push for tangible. This is a time to let things take their space and unfurl their wings in their own timing, their own pattern, their own wisdom.

Most of my relationships that I used to rely on have gone out of my life, too.

That's painful on one level. There is a grieving process. But on another level, all that feels right despite it being lonely and sad at times.

Part of the reason this has happened is the changes I've undergone have changed my energy, and many connections simply go out of harmonious synch. It's nobody's 'fault', per se, even if some truths have been ugly or uncomfortable.

Sure, it's not 'fun', but in many ways this is a deep blessing, since it's giving me incredible space to allow this shift in myself happen without having to manage other people's ideas and expectations about me.

I feel very clear that it's not a time to seek out new relationships. It's a time to keep the open spaces open, and just wait out the powerful process that's happening within me right now.

Given the level of change happening inside me, it's helpful to have fewer people to have to relate to during this time.

Those I normally have in the course of my days with work and maintaining existing relationships is plenty. And those who have stuck around and stayed connected while understanding this sacred time for me are deeply appreciated.

I have a hunch after this process levels out, I'll have a lot more social energy available again for connecting with more people who will better match to the version of myself I am deepening into.

Despite being an introvert, I am a pretty social creature - or I have been. I guess we'll see how that shows up down the road. That may change, too.

But my primary concern is just to stay with myself - wherever I may be in my own processes.

So much can happen when we grant ourselves the gift of solitude and spaciousness.

I'm so glad I paid attention and let this roll on through. It feels very rich and deep, nourishing my being like fertilized water on the roots of thirsty flowers.

Whatever the inner, intuitive urgings are, they are worth following.

If you have anything knocking at your inner door to be acknowledged, I highly recommend opening that door - even if all you can do is a crack - and welcoming it into yourself and your life.

It can be trusted.

Your innate processes can be trusted. And no one is a better authority than you on what those need to be.

As always, I look forward to hearing your thoughts and feelings in the comments.

With love from this quiet space,

Orilea

BE YOU. Let the Chips Fall - Squick and All.

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Thu, 08 May 2014 05:29:00 +0000

When you are deeply yourself, out loud, people will sort themselves into your life, and they will sort themselves out.

And it's good.

Any 'losses' which happen are the right kind!

The remaining connections are true, based in mutual alignment and acceptance - not based on falseness and hidden agendas.

I wish everyone operated this way, but they do not.

So there is an added wrinkle... being alert for those who are false but choose to stay connected for ulterior motives.

Those pesky hidden agendas can still factor in.

Some connections may need to be intentionally ousted.

And that's good, too.

Underneath it all, we know if something or someone is a fit or not.

I'd love to wave a magic wand and give everyone permission to act accordingly.

Included in this wave of magical permission would be the freedom from second-guessing or ever feeling squicky about supporting ourselves this way... but supporting ourselves is the important part.

Accompanying second guesses and squick don't matter in the end, and get easier the more we flex this particular muscle.

Let us all back up to truth, and rock on with honesty, peace, and freedom in our hearts.

{Amen!}

With love and affection for you being you - no matter what I or anyone else may think of it,

Orilea

PS: I've been traveling deeply through the lands of living truer, bigger, and with oh-so-much-less angst about other people's opinions on my doing that. I look forward to sharing more with you soon!

The Most Bad-Ass Prayer I Ever Prayed.

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Thu, 24 Apr 2014 05:06:00 +0000

"HEAL MY LIFE"

That's what I found myself chanting.

Brought low by the terror and panic of a disintegrating life and losing my place in it, a life and version of myself I no longer knew how to shift... I finally flung open the door of my soul.

I let myself hear the whispered words in the spaces of my mind. And I said them, reaching out with my whole heart to The Divine.

Asking. Begging. Weeping. On the proverbial though not literal floor, and in a semi-trance.

I was finally done resisting - at least right in that moment - the reality that this was bigger than what I knew how to fix.

But a moment, a sliver of space, is all it takes.

And I prayed like my very life depended on it. It sounds so cliche, but I think it did, based on everything that's happened since.

So, HEAL MY LIFE is what I asked for.

I said it exactly that way, followed by various versions and permutations, because I'm a control freak and needed to have every option I could think of covered as well as the beautiful, all-encompassing simplicity of "heal my life".

Some of them that I remember were "heal my life, heal me, heal me in my life, heal my relationships with everyone and everything, heal all the things I cannot even think to name or that I don't even know about that need healing" ... you get the idea.

Since then, everything - E V E R Y T H I N G - is different.

It's been about 8 months since that prayer was prayed.

I've experienced genuine miracles; but most of them are ones that only I would really know about and recognize. No one else knows how hard, closed off, and impossible to change these things have been. Things which could not, would not budge, have found their way into healing.

To give you an idea, though...

Deep traumas healed.

Internal psychology upgraded.

Emotional wounds tended and softened.

Heart opened wider than ever before.

Relationships in my life added, removed, sorted into new patterns, and becoming more fulfilling.

Money flow opening up.

Peace created in areas there was no previous hope.

Aliveness generated.

True vocation illuminated and developing.

Physical issues healed with minimum fuss, and others in process of healing now.

And it goes on.

My whole orientation to healing or changing things now hinges on interacting with The Divine in a very direct, palpable, and personal way.

It is all still in process; I am still in the hairpin turn of the transition that was kicked off with that prayer.

But I recognize it as the place my life and my being have been longing to find, yet could not get to without inviting in more of The Divine to build the right bridges and carry me over them.

I still pray and tend to things every day. Twice a day, most days.

And it's a living prayer. It's an active engagement with The Divine, where it's about showing up and being truly present, paying attention, listening, feeling, and seeing what there is to do - and doing it to whatever is the best of my capacity in the moment.

That's enough.

So that's what I've been doing these past months.

I've been getting grounded in my new self and the changes in my life.

It's what's kept me away from the blog, too. There were huge swaths of it I couldn't even articulate in my personal journal.

I had large chunks of time where I just had to let go, not try to think through it or analyze it, and just let it flow through me, wash over me, leave me different without slowing it down with my mind trying to grab on and explain.

Undergoing such overwhelmingly rapid change, I just had no firm footing inside of it.

But I have a foothold now in the new space.

Things have slowed a bit, or the foundation has built up enough for me to stand with legs rooted into the Earth, or something like that.

I'm glad to be back in the world more solidly again - perhaps solidly for the first time in this powerful a way - and back with you here.

I feel like I have a new voice. I'm excited to use it and share it with you, and perhaps hear your voice answer me in return.

Cheers to dancing in the alchemical fires. They only burn away what needs to go, and leave burnished soul-gold in its place.

Have no fear of The Divine Fire.

Burn, baby, burn. And let it sweep you up into the nameless places you truly long to go.

Why I Withhold Myself, and What I'm Doing About It

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Mon, 07 Apr 2014 05:36:00 +0000

Something happened today. (Sunday, when I'm writing this.)

I woke up in tears. And anguish.

That is pretty rare for me to wake up with that much emotional pain, and crying no less, but it comes on the heels of some intense energy work yesterday that cleared a long standing energy parasite (like, one that's been with this body from conception) from my energy field.

It was awful to feel so much grief twisting through me this morning upon awakening from sleep, but powerful.

It demanded action. That's a good thing. It leads to release and resolution.

Intuitively, I believe I was finally feeling the things that the parasite was keeping hidden from my conscious awareness so it could keep it and feed from it. Things were erupting because they needed my attention to move through and awaken me along the way.

While the grief I was feeling was undoubtedly about many things, it focused consciously on 3 people I have in my life with whom there is a running thread of issues in the relationship. Issues I've been silent about. Accommodating about. Understanding about.

I've been holding the burden back from them and taking it upon myself to manage.

Because I didn't believe they could do anything about it, why burden them with what's not working for me in the connection?

Wrong. Oh so fucking wrong.

I didn't know I was doing this, mind you. Not consciously.

I mean... I guess I did? But I didn't see it the way I see it today. I saw it as being reasonable and even (cough) visionary about who they are as people, and being kind by not upsetting them needlessly.

Oh. My. God.

Here's the thing: a relationship is a shared thing. It's not about having one's way; it's about sharing something and building a bridge of connection between hearts, minds, souls. It's a conversation. This I know; this I love and crave!

But this thing I've been doing is a betrayal of that.

My withholding (and withdrawal) does nothing to nurture anything; it serves to kill the connection over time. All I do is progressively cut myself off, share less, less frequently, honestly, or authentically. I trust them less. I show up less, until I stop showing up at all, and the connection basically becomes devoid of any real life.

I've been holding back any conversation about it with these people because I assume I won't be met - that they cannot meet me because of their own stuff. Maybe that's true; maybe it isn't.

But I'm not even giving them the basic trust to tell them what's going on... to share... to let them know something is damaging to me or painful for me. Maybe it's not fixable, but I don't even clue them in.

I don't let them into my most vulnerable areas. Why?

Because I don't trust them enough not to bolt on me or abandon me, so I don't even risk telling them. (There's an old, very deep abandonment from my Father that plays into this, but that's a story for another time.)

I've been so viscerally programmed that I won't be met, that they will run away from and abandon me if they find out the depth of my needs.

The fear of them knowing I need something from them that they possibly can't or won't give me ironically has given rise to my withholding, my not showing up. For them. For me. For the connection.

I give the illusion of strength and ability to cope, when in fact I'm dying inside, and the connection I so long for is dying with me.

That creates a good portion of the damage in the relationship, and it's on me, even though I have seen them as not being able to show up for me. Which, let's face it, has also been true, but that doesn't mean I shouldn't communicate, or live in terminal fear of people not meeting me or even walking out on me if they can't deal with who I really am.

I didn't know it was wired in me this way until today.

It ripped me raw when I realized the truth here, and my own quiet complicity in my torment. Yet I have tremendous compassion for the pain that I endured which created this in me. Thank goodness it's time to move this part on.

The fact is, no, not everyone will be able to stick with me when the depth and breadth of me shows up - whether it's my strength, my boldness, my neediness, my vulnerability, or my brokenness. But I cannot be at ease or at peace in any relationship where I feel I must withhold the truth of my being. That path is death, not life.

I must give people the chance to at least know me fully.

Or else I have only myself to blame for not opening the doorways of true connection and real intimacy - the kind I deeply desire and crave.

And, anyway, don't I want people in my life who genuinely care about what's going on with me, that I'm in pain in the relationship, even if they can't directly 'fix' it? I sure as hell do. And I'm that person for them.

I deserve that level of reciprocity. I am worthy of being cared for and cared about to that depth. I am extremely lovable (I truly know this), and it's time to shift this very old pattern that has been in my way of experiencing truly reciprocal love.

Opening the kimono like this to another human being is a risk.

I utterly know that there are those who will run, and I also know without doubt that there are those in the world who can and want to meet me as I am; who can show up, or at least hold space for the disconnects that are inevitable, and stay present with me - together.

If there's some reorganization of my world to let go of who and what is not fitting while making room for others to show up, I'm willing to walk through that gap.

I cannot un-see what I have seen in myself. I cannot go back to being silent. The old pattern is dead. It only requires my actions to follow through on the new pattern - the one where I let myself fully show up, come what may.

And the actions have already begun.

There are some conversations coming with those with whom there is some unfinished business and where I need to show up more fully.

I will endeavor to be as authentic yet loving as possible. But even if I say things too imperfectly or too emotionally or too intensely or too dramatically or whatever fear-of-being-too-much I have at any given moment, I will say it.

This is scary. I hope I get met well. But the point now is to use my voice on my own behalf, and trust that the cookies will crumble in the right ways. They always, inevitably do.

When I Forget I Am {AWESOME}

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Wed, 07 Aug 2013 04:22:00 +0000

You know those moments. When you get upset by some sh... stuff going on in your life, and it feels scary and overwhelming. You disintegrate. It triggers someplace inside that flips you into disempowerment mode.

You totally forget whatever good things you felt and knew about yourself at some (now distant feeling) time in the past, because you sure don't feel that way right now.

Right? I mean, that happens to you, too... right?! ;-)

So what happens when that happens?

How do you flip out of that?

How do you degauss yourself, set your feathers back to unruffled status, pull your pieces back together into some semblance of wholeness, and move forward?

I can tell you that for me this has happened time and time again, and every time it does, I start looking outside me to other people or processes or something to somehow save me.

I mean, maybe *this* or *this* or *that!* will be THAT THING that clicks me out of this hell hole!

And the gory truth of that is it never works.

I'm never directly saved by anyone else... at least not when that's my goal (emotionally).

In fact, the more desperate I get, the more deserted I get. Which, for a time, makes me feel painfully sorry for myself.

I wallow. I go into the why-me, the why-now, the what-did-I-do-to-create-/deserve-this. Yup, I go there.

And I feel myself split off into pieces. I literally lose power, like a toy with weak batteries. I cannot galvanize myself. I feel just... afraid and tired and unable.

Then, there is the inevitable point where something shifts.

When I go forward with that energy of desperation, aching to be rescued, what happens is that it fails so massively that I am FORCED to snap out of it.

There's only so far down the disempowered road I can go before something in me rises up and slaps me awake. And that slap is usually assisted by some person, circumstance or event which so hurts, disappoints, or otherwise comes at me that it calls to my inner Rebel or Warrior, and that deep, unbroken heart of truth in me rises up and takes over.

It wakes me up out of the haze.

"Snap out of it!" ~ Moonstruck

Story time!

(Here's an example of what I'm talking about. There have been many, but this is a good one.)

I was feeling particularly stressed out about my life and how to move forward. I was scared about making the choices I was facing, and scared about how it would come together, and scared about what was next. What would meet me? What if nothing worked out? Etc. ad nauseum. I was spinning out.

So, I went to a meditation class. A weekend away in the California desert at a hot spring, learning a specific technique. It felt like some kind of potential salvation... maybe it would shift me.

As luck would have it (haha -- 'luck'. riiiiiight.), the meditation teacher was a nasty piece of work who happened to be on a total power trip. She needed people to bow down to her, and she was pretty brutal in a crafty, pseudo-spiritual way about putting other people down while elevating herself. (LOTS of shadow play in the spirituality circles, I tell ya!)

Anyway, she pulled some crap on me in the class because I dared to disagree with her opinion about something. But in that moment, her maneuver to gain power over me by trying to humiliate me publicly called to the inviolate Me that lives at my core -- the Me that was never touched by all the fear, the not-knowing, the disempowerment... the Me that knows better.

That Me rose up and took over.

I didn't fight her attempt to humiliate me. In fact, I let go of my end of the rope in that tug of war and immediately stopped fighting her, because it didn't matter. She took it as a personal victory. And it didn't matter to me at all what she or anyone else in there believed.

I didn't feel humiliated. In fact, I felt suddenly flooded with personal power.

In that moment when she came at me, I snapped out of it.

I moved my residential zip code back into that deep place where everything is always OK, no matter what is going on in the chaos of life and living it. I reintegrated. I was Me again, even better than before.

It was in that pivotal moment that I actually got what I came for: help. But the help I needed was to be put back into my true power. I needed to be grounded back into my deep Self, where the weather is always perfect.

But I had been so caught up in the fear and foreboding of survival issues that were triggered that I couldn't get there without a little help. I had to have something "attack" me from the outside to call me back into my authentic Self. (Thank Goodness for a strong inner Warrior and Rebel!)

When I wake up from my self-induced haze, I feel like I've been sleep-walking.

Usually there is shame when I realize how far off from my authentic truth I've been. (Shame just happens to be my go-to response.) Except I also have huge compassion for myself in that moment because I so get how much fear it takes to trigger me into that very disempowered place.

As time goes on, I'm getting better at less shame, or feeling it for less time, while expanding the compassion. Huge win, and I claim it!

Waking up always equals remembering I am that powerful Self that abides at my core.

I am the expert on me and my life.
I am the intuitive receiver for the things I need.
I am NEVER unsupported and alone, no matter what it may look or feel like. Sometimes that support is from the invisible realms, but it always manifests in the real world.
Anything can be bent to my good.
The only thing that gets in the way is me believing anything other than that.
It's ok even when I get in my own way because Life and I have a way of working out of that snare.
I can implicitly and completely trust myself, just as I am right now, and the very wise process of my life.

Even when I reach out in my disempowerment looking desperately to be saved -- this, too, is part of my deeper process.

But I will not be met there with saving.

I will not be met there with saving because it would reinforce and encourage me to be disempowered. A reflex of disempowerment would get reinforced. I would learn to negate my power and await rescue from that place of brokenness.

Instead, I am brought into scenarios which push me to stand tall, calm, and clear in my own deep center of who I am in this moment, to call forth Truth and Power from my depths, to work from that part of me that is in effortless connection to All That Is. To call forth and allow the miracles. To believe. To believe in myself, my life, and The Mystery that supports everything in perfect accord.

I just sometimes need a shove to get out of the way of all that.

I'm always enough, whether I feel that way or not.

We are always equal to the task at hand. Help can come from every corner, but it takes realizing that this help is an expression of our own power... not because we are disempowered and need rescuing.

Paradoxically, it is only then, when we are more fully back in ourselves, that miraculous solutions may present themselves to actually "rescue" us (if we need it).

But at minimum, we become more relaxed into our circumstances, back in touch with the Power that we are.

And so it goes. Life rinses and repeats as needed. It works with who we are, just as we are. And it's good and right that way.

So, as a reminder to me (and to you, if you need it), I say:

Trust, believe in, and embrace the process. It's taking you by the hand and expanding you into more good stuff than you have room or capacity for right now. Sometimes the stretching is a little uncomfortable, but it's temporary. You adjust.

Accept how you feel and whatever is going on, but don't BELIEVE in it or lock yourself down into it. It can change at any moment, but you have to let it by staying flexible and keeping a space open for the miracle to show up.

Know the Awesome You is still there even if you cannot reach your truer, deeper self right now. She/He is running the show, but might just be behind the scenes in this moment. It's ok. It's not hiding from you because you're somehow bad, wrong, or screwed up. It's just part of the necessary process.

Your life - and the natural YOU, just as you are - can be trusted, even if right now you're in a moment where you are feeling anything but powerful.

Ask for Divinely guided help, expect it to show up, pay attention to what comes up for you intuitively, and stay flexible.

Believe in all the unseen hands working on your behalf (most of all your own Divine hands) that are moving you into your new, upgraded zip code. You're going to love it there!

Whatever the struggle, you can do this. You were born for doing this! No matter what you feel like right now, you are more than equal to it. Whatever route you have to take, just step through it. It's going to be ok!

With lots of love and support for you in your process of life and living it,

Orilea

Stuck in "Good Girl" Fixing and Helping Mode

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Sun, 04 Aug 2013 22:34:00 +0000

I had an insight the other night.

It had started coming to me earlier in the week, but I’d forgotten it after it had crossed my mind until a couple days later when it came back to me hard in the midst of a midnight chat with my Mom.

And it was so exciting to see!

The gist is this:

I am brainwashed and hung up on ‘helping’ and ‘fixing’ people. When all I REALLY want to do in my life is self-express.

The freely self-expressed little girl...

But from a very early age, I was bent toward care taking, helping, fixing other people. Mostly, I think this was due to my Mother who has never been very healthy or fended well for herself in life.

But it’s also been the expectations of my Grandmother and others in my family who appreciated a girl child who was ‘helpful’ and ‘caring’ and ‘did for others’.

And it’s not that I don’t enjoy doing that! Sometimes. I enjoy it sometimes.

It’s that it was entrained and built into / onto me as what I should do, as my primary value, and as the primary way I relate to people.

UGH.

And it was pretty stealth in some ways because this was the age of Feminism, and I was also raised to "be anything I wanted to be".

Regardless, family roles and patterns run deeper than present-day ideologies, and we absorb the hell out of them.

Personally, I hate it when people try to ‘fix’ me -- unless I’ve asked explicitly for help, and then they better stay in the boundaries of helping I’ve set, or I get supremely annoyed. Because it's fundamentally undermining to be 'helped' when you haven't asked for it. It assumes you are somehow incapable and it disempowers.

That said, I love when people OFFER to help me even in ways I haven't thought of. I just don't like help foisted upon me without my will or consent.

(You probably don't either, do you?)

And I do usually offer my help rather than foisting it. But still...

I have come to see that this core orientation toward helping and fixing others is an inauthentic thing I absorbed.

And it’s standing in the way of feeling and seeing my true way through to what I want to do with my life, and how I want to contribute to the world around me.

I think it’s great to help others. And I like doing that. I love knowing something of mine that I gave or shared has boosted someone else.

But the background energy that comes up when I do it, the brainwashed part, is wrong for me.

Somehow, the current automatic (and automaton) perspective that lives inside me about this is so very limiting that it’s forcing me down into that flat, spark-less land of inauthenticity.

It’s like a foreign thing… this not-me energy around having to help and fix others. Everything new gets forced through that filter.

And the awesome thing is I can now feel how very foreign it is, instead of feeling like it's 'me'. That's huge progress!

What I now know is that even if helping others IS my ‘thing’ (authentically), the AUTHENTIC vibe/motivation/perspective around it is different than what I absorbed early on.

And anyway, my core urge is really about self-expression, not fixing. At least, that's how I perceive it right now.

Sure, I have a lot of knowledge that’s helpful (or potentially helpful), and I do like sharing that. But it gets twisted by this "helping" filter.

So, it gets tricky to discern the line inside me of keeping things self-expressive vs. some compulsion around the fixing of other people. But it's only tricky because of how part of me is stuck in the role I was given as a child - the good fixer and helper.

So we’ll see what happens now. I’ve set things in motion to let the block loosen and fall away.

I’m curious to see what I see, feel what I feel, and know what I know once it shifts enough to see, feel, and know past it.

Gimme more of that fresh, sweet air of authenticity and the freedom to live it out!

Let me know in the comments if this rings a bell for you, too, and how you might be aware of it in yourself, dealing with it, or perhaps you've already freed yourself and you have something to offer me and any others reading this thread? I'd love to hear from you!

With joyful love for your most authentic beingness and the freedom to live it out,

Orilea

No Pain = No Joy

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Sat, 15 Jun 2013 10:22:00 +0000

Joyful.

This all seems like a big 'duh!' now that I've seen it, but that's often how it goes. It only seems obvious after seeing it. And we don't see it until we can see it.

I had a huge personal epiphany yesterday, and it explains so much of why I have a hard time getting joyful about the life experience. It's at least a significant part of why I experience an almost ever-present sense of ennui at some level.

History.

You see, I survived some early trauma in my childhood by making a decision - albeit unconscious - to protect myself from that kind of pain in this life. The thing that happened caused me to feel just this side of obliterated. Overwhelming pain and confusion.

Who wouldn't want to stay safe from ever letting herself get even remotely close to obliteration again? Or to even allow enough pain to remotely echo that experience?

In an act of pure self-preservation, I built walls that protected me from feeling too much - from letting myself feel too much, from letting my tremendously vulnerable, open heart be smashed again.

I don't regret that choice at all - it was truly the only option I had to save and protect myself until such a time as I could begin to relax that choice, if that time ever came.

Irony.

The irony is that when I made myself safe by throwing up various walls and protective veneers against feeling pain, I deadened myself in other ways. I also cut myself off likewise from feeling joy.

I effectively lost the ability to take genuine pleasure in being alive. Simple pleasure. The kind an open, connected-to-life heart has. The kind we all have as children, and most lose by the time we're adults. Because it was no longer safe to access the part of me that knows how to do that.

This quote from Zooey Deschanel is a beautiful description of what it's like to be in touch with one's authentic tenderness in life...

That part is (was) way too vulnerable to experiencing potentially obliterating levels of pain. Or so it was when I was 6 years old and the big bad happened.

Being unwilling to experience natural pain, I was unable to experience natural joy.

And perhaps I've been unwilling to experience anything too strong which has threatened to obliterate me. Though painful things would be at the top of my experience list, other things which would feel like they were swallowing me whole would also qualify. No wonder safety and control issues are at the root of every "issue" I have!

The truth is we have very few defenses as children when life happens to us. And the ones we have take over automatically to save us and protect us from the things that inevitably come.

We absolutely do the best we can. It's an instinctive, human-animal type of protection and preservation that kicks in. And thank God it does. Many of us are alive and as functional as we are because of these mechanisms. I know I am.

We keep these structures we instinctively put in place to hold us up until some very deep part of us realizes we don't need them any longer, and something surfaces to shine the light on it all and help us let it go.

We somehow manage to recognize the truth, so we have the opportunity to heal down to deeper levels than we've ever had access to before. We get to regenerate ourselves and become something stronger and wiser than we ever would have been without it. We deepen, we ripen, we can actually hold even more life on the other side of things like this.

Healing.

The fact that I have seen this now tells me that time where I have the option to relax that protection has come. And I'm so grateful for the shift that's in process!

In many real ways, my whole arc of growth in this life has been fueled by what happened so long ago. Many benefits have resulted, even while it's taken so very long for some places in me to open for a shift. And I'm sure there are yet deeper places ahead. There are always deeper places ahead.

But for now, being willing to allow myself to feel whatever is the truth of my feelings and not just reflexively cut myself off from anything which feels too big, too much, or too painful is inextricably linked with bringing back my authentic joy and pleasure in being alive. No matter how much feeling is there, to at least entertain openness to it.

It's the old threat that "this might be too much to feel" which has caused the shutting down. But aliveness and vitality live on the other side of the numbing and dampening that have become my constant yet stealthy companions. To whatever extent I can open up my willingness to soften my reflexive limits on feeling, there will be more joy.

From a tactical level, I have very little conscious idea how to move through the shift to the other side, but I feel it moving through me. Perhaps my generating progress through the shift (causing, pushing) is not even the point. Nor do I need to know more than my next steps.

My immediate next step turns out to be work that is natural and effortless. It's about noticing how the old patterns are showing up and reminding myself of the truth I now understand which allows them to begin to lose their hold.

That's virtually automatic after seeing the truth beneath it all, and understanding the mechanism of how I withhold myself from things that frighten me - consciously or not. And it lets me dig a bit deeper into why a given thing is so scary. But it always comes down to feeling terribly vulnerable, and generating a level of numbing in the face of it.

As I go through my daily life, I am seeing the places I've put up walls, buffers, veneers to stay safe behind. I see where I cut myself off from feeling. And with some anxiety, I feel the invitation to see the falseness of it, to soften toward it and myself, and, eventually, to let go of needing that much control anymore because I can handle whatever it is.

Image credit to Julie Interrante

I'm no longer a child, and I'm able to draw boundaries and say 'no' when I need to, get myself out of situations or away from toxic people, or to just take a break - even if it's a conscious break from something that feels like it's just too much. I can take care of myself in ways I did not have access to before. I can afford to allow myself to lower some of the walls and veneers - at least when I'm simply with myself.

I can begin to allow my tender heart to respond, fully and authentically to whatever it is, without rigidity and stifling what is and is not allowed to be felt or how much. I can begin to allow space for my true vulnerability to be present instead of locked in a safe room somewhere. It can be present, and I still get to decide to what degree I show it or act from it. But I can let myself really feel it, without judgement that it or I are somehow too much for this world, or other people, or even for myself.

Where will this lead me? What will I become? How shall I be?

I don't know yet, and I am not in a hurry. Well, my mind would like to be on the other side of this, but the deeper parts of me are content to go at a slower pace. I want to take this slow and easy, or at least at its natural pace.

This is a huge shift. Pushing the river will only serve to freak me out. And really... there is no rush (I remind myself).

But there is an opening to step through, clear light to see by, and a map written upon my very tender, vulnerable heart of how to navigate it. I know how to do this, and I trust that it is already doing itself through me. Baby steps are not only alright, they're all I need.

In the midst of my own softening, I send love to your most tender, hidden, and vulnerable places.

From my heart to yours,

Orilea

What are Angels? How these Beings explained themselves to me.

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Wed, 12 Jun 2013 17:38:00 +0000

Ah, Angels. How to talk about this without sounding like an airy-fairy kook?

I'll just present this (like everything else on here) from the standpoint of my experiences. If it works for you or is useful in some way, great. If not? That's cool, too.

So. ANGELS. What are they?

First, a bit of background.

I have had Angels and Angelic energies in general work with me a lot. They've been present with me in one way or another since I can remember in childhood. They come through in healings I've done. They've come close to me and made me conscious of them during other times or specific experiences in my life. They nudge me gently though sometimes loudly. And I generally accept their presence, their desire to help, and I have endeavored to work with that more and more over time.

I really struggled with calling them "Angels", though I couldn't come up with a better word for what I was experiencing. I was and still am frustrated with the word. It has too many connotations - religious and new age - that sort of obscure who and what they really are. The idea the word "Angel" has taken on is just not quite... it. In addition to loving benevolence, they are fuller, wilder, fiercer, and much more fun than that!

At one point in this process a few years ago, when a moment of connection was particularly strong, and I was especially frustrated with my lack of understanding about these Angelic Beings who were working with me all the time, I asked, "So what the heck are you guys anyway?" Because, hey... best to get something from the proverbial horse's mouth, right?

And I got an answer!

Instantly, actually.

Though, as it typically does when I get information from other levels like that, it came through like a sphere of energy, vibration, thoughts, feelings, images and a few words. Then, I have to sort of unpack that, bring words to it, and generally put it in some sort of order to it can be verbally communicated or even just written down for myself somewhere.

In this case, here's what I got (and unpacked so I could talk about it).

They are actual beings - a life form - and could even be likened to extraterrestrials of a sort. In other words... not human and not from here, but still a life form.

They have a home. They live in "the spaces in between". What I was shown visually was literally the gaps and spaces between everything. It could be inter-dimensional (and it is), but it's not just that. It's literally living in all the spaces in between everything. You know, like matter is mostly space? That's one of the kinds of in between things I saw. But inter-dimensional works, too. Living in the spaces in between allows them to be almost ever-present in a way that is not bound by time, space, or dimension. Plus, as beings, they're not bound to a body with a single physical location in the way we are, so they can bring themselves to many times, places, and spaces all at once and BE there. You can't over-stretch them, it seems.

Their core function and primary purpose is to manage, caretake, and maintain everything in existence. They are the the witnesses and caretakers of all that exists - from the very dense to the very non-dense layers of what is. (This includes us.) They are literally responsible for the ongoing health and tending of every single thing, on all its levels. They keep everything in the right balance. And they do all of that in accordance with Divine Will. Death and life are but aspects in the same cycle, but they care for and manage the visible and invisible details of all things coming, being, and going.

They are completely aligned with Divine Will. They are always aware of and acting with, upon, and in alignment to Divinity and Divine Will. And whatever they do is within the boundaries of that. So, if you're asking for help, they won't break Divine Will (like a soul contract or some Divine plan in your life). But they can tweak things within the overall plan and help you go through whatever it is with the maximum of ease, Grace, support and help possible. They will buffer you as much as is possible within the boundaries of what you as a Divine Being have set.

They each have personalities, preferences, talents and abilities all their own. They are both individuals and work as a harmonious whole. Because they are always effortlessly aligned with and following Divine Will, having personalities and identities does not separate them from Divinity or from each other.

They know it's hard here. They work with us and our world in order to make the act of living easier. They know living a physical life - being incarnated in a body - is not easy. And there are even harder places than Earth to be alive right now apparently, per of the information package I was given. Part of their Divine Purpose is to help ease that whole deal for each and every one of us, but this is hampered to some extent when we don't allow (ask or invite them) to help, or when we block (don't receive) their help. Both the asking and the receiving are separately very important aspects of this equation. Notice if you're blocking one or both of these aspects when you make requests. I personally found that receiving was harder than asking, and it still is.

They only care about helping, supporting and following Divine Will. They only care that they are utilized for all the help they can provide. And they so want to help. It is their Divine Purpose! If anything, they communicated a bit of frustration and sorrow that they are not as utilized as they could be, because people simply didn't ask for assistance and intervention, or didn't receive it (blocked it) when it was offered. Our lives could be easier and the world would be a better one if we simply asked for and received their assistance more.

They modulate pure Divine Source energy, harmonizing and personalizing it to our individual vibration and life plans. They translate, harmonize, and specifically gear this originating Source energy to everything that exists. They are designed to provide this softening, personalizing effect for all of us. It's part of their power and their purpose. It is perfectly matched to who and how we are without sacrificing a drop of its purity! This is only possible because they are true agents of Divinity, fully aligned with Divine Will, and infused with this purpose of care-taking All That Is. Much of this is already done for us quietly and invisibly when we reach out for Divine connection, but we can have much more of this if we don't bar the door by forgetting to invite and to receive maximum help and support. Otherwise, we tend to block what is offered. Our Free Will is totally respected!

Free Will is totally respected. There are limits to what they can do without us aligning our personal will to invite and accept their help. They are agents of Divine Will, and Divine Will holds Free Will sacred. It is a gift of Divinity to have the right to choose! Asking for intercession, intervention, Grace, help, support, ease, comfort, to have our needs met more easily, insight, miracles -- whatever it may be we are struggling with, need, or want to be easier... their help is limited until we invite it. We must ask for this help and receive it. (I'll say it again here: it's possible to keep asking and actually not energetically receive it. It's possible to block all the help that surrounds us - even if we invite Divine support! Notice if you're doing that. It's super common!!)

ASK FOR HELP. And RECEIVE it. That's what they are there for! I know I keep repeating this, but, seriously, this was driven home to me so hard they practically yelled it into my head. Haha! I'm stubborn and tend to try to do everything myself. They know me well. And whatever your personal bugaboos are, they know you well, too.

They don't care what they are called. There is a complete disinterest in names when it comes to wrestling with terms like 'Angels' or something else that feels more accurate. That's my problem, not theirs. They just want to be utilized and do their work as fully as possible. Despite my dissatisfaction with the word 'Angels', the only alternative I've come up with - generic though it may be - is Benevolent Inter-dimensional Beings (BIBs). Quite a mouthful! And I don't necessarily see BIBs catching on. Hehe. So, I just call 'em Angels (or The Angelics), because that's the shortcut that basically works, as imperfect and incomplete as it is. It's in the ballpark, and it's good enough.

They're there. They're real. And they very much want to help YOU personally!

Invite them to work with you directly and on your behalf.

There is no formula to invoking Angelic assistance and support. And there is none needed. Except for the asking and the receiving, that's about it.

Talk to them. Just... chat. There is nothing you have done or can ever do to make yourself unworthy of their help, their love, their constant support and desire to make it better, easier for you. Personally.

If it feels comfortable, open to developing and having a direct relationship with these amazing, benevolent, Divine Beings. It can be casual! They are not formal, but they are powerful.

Sometimes, there is a sense of reverence that descends when they are working with me due to the power and Divinity they bring. But it's important to know that they don't ask for or want any level of worship. They are Divinity in action just as we are. They do not elevate themselves above us nor do they want us to elevate them above ourselves. Consider this a partnership of equals.

Caution Tip

Angelic energies are extremely benevolent and protective, and, when invoked, tend to eliminate other types of less benevolent beings from interfering with us. This is especially true if we specifically ask for that protection. When you get to know their vibration, it'll be pretty straightforward to recognize true Angelic presence.

But if this is new to you, or you're feeling uncertain, I'll just offer one caution.

If you start working with any energy or being that asks for worship in some sense, doesn't respect your Free Will, or you get that kind of impression from them, discontinue that connection. That is not Angelic, and whatever it is, that is not a relationship you want to be in.

You don't need to feel fear. Just don't engage in that relationship, and reach out for Angelic protection and clearing of any connections that are not in perfect service to Divinity and Divine Will. You can also have them bar your energetic door to any opportunistic energies. That's just a good daily practice in any case, and especially important when you're opening yourself up to connecting to other beings.

But you may notice this state of inner reverence you get, and depending on your beliefs and your personal reaction to that, you may feel you need to somehow be more formal with them, and that may stifle you from working with them. Don't. Be as casual and 'normal' as is natural for you. Be you. Be real.

Some have a more gentle or soft energy than others, though there is always intense current of loving compassion. The right ones for you are always around. They do know you, and your personal cadre is specifically geared for you.

And more are just right there if specialized support is needed or requested. Distance, space, or time are not issues. They are ever-present, for all intents and purposes. You cannot overburden them with requests. And they cannot do "too much" to help you. And that's from them!

Don't hold back what you really think or feel or what you really want to have help or support with for fear of seeming somehow unspiritual or offensive. That's a very human construct of Divinity, and it just doesn't fly here.

Speaking of flying, I don't know much about Angel's wings. I have tended to think that is a human, artistic construct, embodying the metaphor of something Divine. That said, they have shown up for me that way visually sometimes, and I've felt wings sometimes, too. But it's inconsistent and I don't know what the deal with that is. It's part of the Mystery, and totally unimportant to working with them.

Don't get hung up on the prevailing images. Seek your own direct experiences with these beautiful Beings!

Wishing you all the Angelic love and support you're able to receive,

Orilea

I'm not even jealous.

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Sun, 09 Jun 2013 18:01:00 +0000

People show you who they truly are and even when it's ugly, it's a huge gift if they show you sooner than later.

When that happens, I'm rarely 'happy' about it. I'm usually sad and angry.

But very quickly, I find myself feeling grateful for it.

When I see them chatting up others, sparkling, having a good time? I'm not even jealous. (And I can lean that way sometimes.)

On the contrary, I know what lies beneath that pretty version of an exterior, and I pity the poor soul who gets wrapped up in someone's projection, who doesn't get to see the truth until they are broadsided it. I've been there, too, and it's far, far worse to know later than sooner. I don't envy them, for they will surely find out for themselves.

No amount of good face, fun personality, intelligent conversation, or successful accomplishment overcomes bad character.

I thank the powers that be every time I am protected by having it shown to me as early as possible before I invest in a person - be that platonic or otherwise. Who needs people of bad character in their lives?

I'll take stellar character over any other quality, any day!

Sadly, it's a characteristic that seems to have gone out of style. What's in style is the 'illusion' of character. Fortunately, for those of true character, being in style has nothing to do with it.

Thank goodness for the good people of good character. Sometimes, they seem as rare as Unicorns, except they actually exist.

Keeping the light on,

Orilea

Being an Empath and Getting Hijacked

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 18:32:00 +0000

Some days, I wonder about the light side of being an Empath, because the tough side can be really rough going.

I was walking into a Joann's fabric store, picking up some goodies for a project, when a man, a woman, and two very small children were leaving. It seemed she was either the children's mother or the man's girlfriend.

As they were approaching the doorway to come outside, I heard the woman say in a very harsh, loud, and exasperated voice, "GOD!! I can never get any shopping done with these kids around!!!" It was venomous.

I was shocked, not that she would feel that way, but that she would say that in front of those tiny babies (maybe 3 or 4 years old?), and I was aware of being sad for the kids to have to deal with a person like that, saying those kinds of things about them, in front of them.

But I promptly got on with my errand and didn't think too much about it after the initial 'Whoa! That's crazy', reaction I had.

Cut to two days later...

I'm walking around in a black sort of depression. And I cannot figure out why. It's frustrating! I mean, there are certainly some things going on in my world I could get depressed about, but I hadn't been in a black mood like that a very long time, if ever. Is it all just catching up with me?

I tried clearing my space and energy field, and that didn't seem to make any difference. Puzzling, because the depression didn't feel like me totally, but maybe it was my own organic depression?

So, I'm talking to my Mom, going over the past two days, and suddenly this thing that happened witnessing these kids springs to my mind and I share it with her.

She instantly asks me if I empathed the pain of those kids? (She's used to me doing things like this, is very intuitive in her own right, and is good at reminding me when I am in the thick of something and cannot seem to remember.)

Well, apparently I did, but it was kind of stuck in me. I literally took their pain into myself, but I hadn't processed it or released it.

I've noticed things sometimes get stuck like that, but I'm not sure why.

So, I went inside myself and sent love and healing to the pain I'd taken in as well as prayed for Grace, help, and healing for those children and those adults to whatever extent their soul contracts would allow. We do come here and sign up for certain kinds of pain to be part of our experience, and I was reminded of that as I was praying on their behalf. But I asked for Grace and any softening support that could happen for them all to happen.

In that process, it all released. The depression evaporated pretty much instantly and was completely gone within an hour. It didn't return.

Makes me wonder...

These kind of experiences always make me wonder about all the things that are affecting me as an empath of which I have no conscious awareness. You can only know what you know, and there are certainly blind spots and simply lack of knowledge to deal with.

It's something that's a bit hard to manage for me, given that I can ground and release, but some things seem to need personal attention before they go.

And what if I'm just oblivious and walking around with something deeply affecting me for years or a lifetime? This could be especially true from family members I am connected to, close friends, the large busy city I live in, or even the places I live in or hang out in. All have active or residual energies.

I've definitely walked through 'cow pies' of energy and been beset with weirdness for days sometimes! And it was just a cow pie, an impersonal imprint of ick that I absorbed. (Though those generally respond well to more impersonal cleansing and grounding.)

I do use things these days to help shield me energetically. There are certain stones, and there are devices like the Earthcalm (see sidebar - fantastic supportive devices for the energetically sensitive). Physical exercise and nature help. These things help, but they don't necessarily block everything.

And to some extent I think that's because I need the learning and conscious awareness that comes with being forced to deal with empath 'events'. And sometimes I need to be directed to my own healing this way, too.

But also because I don't think blocking is necessarily the point. I think perhaps learning to allow things to flow through me like water is better, easier than blocking them. Very little can upset us or stick inside us when there is truly no resistance to them.

That said, a little blocking can go a long way, too, when we are just not up to being truly non-resistant or don't want to be. I know I don't always have that in me in a given moment. And if I identify too much with something I'm empathing (sometimes unconsciously), it's getting hung up on my own triggers on the way through.

We also deserve to simply be masters of our own gates, deciding what we will say 'yes' or 'no' to allowing inside our personal energy envelope. Boundaries - energetic or otherwise - can be supportive.

Though I do find simply allowing something to pass through, if that's possible in that moment, is the least draining and least consciously needful thing. But it's not always possible.

In a very real sense, it's just important to be conscious that this is a thing with me. And when things spring up or I get hijacked, I can figure out a way to deal with it.

Still, I wonder what it'd be like to go through life without being so porous to energy. And I wonder what else I can do to strengthen myself against the constant onslaught. I have worked through so many underlying patterns that help generate the wide open or lack of energetic control thing, and that has helped. I have more control and seem less affected by it overall these days (at least as far as I can tell).

But I do have regular reminders of having my state of being hijacked by an empathic moment. And it just feels like it should be different. Though maybe it shouldn't, and I'm placing an unfair burden of some 'perfect ideal' on myself in a world that is ignorant to and simply doesn't make room for being an Empath. I know I have a hard time making room for it. It feels like a pest I have to deal with much of the time.

It's a gift to be able to energetically transmute pain and ugliness in the world simply by being present. I've experienced that often, and it's profound. It's meaningful. It sings. That's the potential gift of being an Empath. But it requires a very high degree of self-study and self-care in order to be able to be that conduit and not get stuck with negative after-effects.

I'm still learning how to do that more consistently and with less effort.

Wishing you gentleness and tender loving care for wherever you are still learning,

Orilea

Are you an Empath? What have you found works well for you to manage the challenging aspects of this gift? Or just feel free to connect and share your experiences - positive or negative. I'd love to hear from others about this.

Shhhhh... I'm hunting wabbits!

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Sat, 01 Jun 2013 17:10:00 +0000

In the immortal words of Elmer Fudd, "Ssssshhhhh! Be vewy, vewy quiet... I'm hunting wabbits!"

Well, not wabbits exactly, but I'm hunting other stuff. Personal world stuff. And, apparently, it's very -very- sensitive to being talked about.

In fact, it prefers the sounds of silence! Silencio! *waves magic wand*

This goes beyond the idea of self-talk or word choice. No, it's not like that at all.

And it's something different from the ol' "don't disperse energy by talking about it". That's when you have some big goal or plan, and you start talking about it to some people or lots of people and it somehow runs down the little mountain of excitement and energy you're sitting on until you don't even care if you do it anymore. You lose steam and that's it. It never happens.

That's a real thing, but it's not like that this time. It's something different.

No, this is like a part of me shuts down, shuts me down, if it hears about it out loud. The proverbial rabbit gets spooked and finds a hole to hide in, preferably for an extended period of time.

I've learned lately if I talk about my plans at all, if I verbalize even one small step I'm planning to take next, something in me absolutely short-curcuits me from being able to take it.

Example: if I had a lot of energy to go do that thing, after I speak it out loud that I'm going to go do it next or today or this afternoon, all that energy evaporates. Or something else happens to stop me, but usually it's something like energy evaporating. And I mean instant exhaustion to where I cannot do that thing or any other! The kind where I have to lay down and possibly even take a nap.

But if I keep quiet, and just DO IT instead of signal verbally that I'm going to do it, then it seems I can actually do it just fine!

Weird, huh?

It's a very hair trigger line in that magical mind of mine. And I'm not sure what's up exactly, though it feels like a kind of reptile-brain level fear gets triggered by the act of talking about it.

But whatever is causing the response, the pattern is obvious to me: some part of me freaks out and shuts down if it hears about what's coming next. So, ya know, just shutting up seems to be the answer right now to not triggering that particular bit of subconscious machinery.

And, we all have funky machinery that shows up at the oddest or most inopportune moments! We have the option to observe it and play by its rules unless/until we can change the machinery, if we so choose, and if that's available to us. (In my experience, not all patterns want to be changed at all times. But there are windows of opportunity when things in us align for those openings and it's relatively easy to make a shift. The wind is at our backs, so to speak.)

Whatever the cause, whatever the inner construction, it's very useful to discover that I need to play nicely around whatever this is.

So, no more talking about how things are going, what my plans are, what my thoughts and feelings may be about moving around some pieces on my personal chess board. That's so not easy for me! I'm a talker, and my friends and I talk about the real stuff of what's going on in our lives and our selves.

I'm not even precisely clear yet what I can discuss and what I need to keep quiet about so as not to kibosh myself by scaring the rabbit. ("I can't talk about that, it'll scare the rabbit!")

I'm learning through trial and error. Fortunately, my friends are incredibly understanding people when I say I can't talk about it even though I may feel silly saying that!

In fact, I've asked some people very close to me to not even comment on any progress they observe in my world or with me personally. Both hearing that and me needing to respond is one of the danger zones where short-circuity shut down tend to occur.

For now, if I value progress (and I do), I gotta keep a lid on it. Completely.

It kind of bums me out, but the benefit is HUGE: the ability to move the stuck things! And ultimately, the ability to refashion my life. No small plans here.

I think this has been true for me for a long time, and I wonder if I've been sort of cutting myself off in very important ways by talking even peripherally about things I want to do or plan to do in my immediate or very near future. The "I'm going to do X today or this week or this month!"

Of course, there's a fine line between processing or working something out via conversation, getting input on plans, and actually talking about it during the execution phase. I think it's that execution phase yapping that is getting me in trouble. (Big time trouble.)

I can reflect and notice this is probably not a new thing, though it shows up in proportion to how important these things are to me. The more important the thing, the more it needs silence to live. The blessing of the moment is that it's available to be seen now, so something different can take place.

I'm in stealth mode now, working at flying under my own mind's radar. Which is, you know, the hardest radar to keep below.

Now... what do I talk about instead? The weather? Current events? Hmm. That's a tough one! I'll just have to see how this unfolds.

Tell me, do you resonate to this? Do you find talking about something you plan to do causes something in you to rise up and short-circuit you? Have you found silence to be critical to help you generate energy and movement in your life when things keep getting stuck?

Wishing you movement in the stuck places,

Orilea

Plugging the Facebook Drain

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Sat, 25 May 2013 09:14:00 +0000

Now, don't get me wrong... I do enjoy all the inspirational, thoughtful posts, the adorable animals, and many of the good people I'm connected to via Facebook.

But. BUT!

Whenever I find myself needing to consolidate my energy to do something in my life (including just going through inner transitions that require my energy to be more available), I always feel the pull to deactivate my account.

Today was one of those days where I answered that call. It's always a tough decision to make, because I do get some very good things from Facebook. But I just needed to pull my energy out of there and back to myself.

Curiously, just logging out and not logging back on for a while is not enough. I'm still energetically present there if all I do is log out. People can peep me, and I get the energetic 'hit'. And I'm still actively plugged into the Facebook field when my profile is visible, even if no one is hitting my profile directly.

But I literally and energetically disappear from there when I deactivate! And the slow, silent leak of energy stops. {Bliss.} I get a very noticeable amount of energy back almost immediately and just feel more energetically solid. And it builds into a surplus over time if I stay off for even a few days. A few weeks off can be downright transformational!

Given the profound difference, it does concern me a bit as to how much Facebook actually drains me on a regular basis. I fantasize sometimes about truly disappearing from there altogether as in killing my account.

But I balance that concern with the nourishing benefits I feel I get at other times when I do feel I have the energy for it. I have had amazing moments of inspiration, understanding and connection there.

Still, if you find you're needing some extra juice for something in your world, or you just have the intuitive hit to take a thorough break from Facebook however long or short, I highly recommend deactivating whenever you need it. (Currently, that option is in your Security settings.)

Do you deactivate occasionally? What have you found when deactivating vs. just logging out? Curious how others have felt the difference, if you've tried it.

As for me, I'm currently not sharing my energy on the 'Book and feeling goooood!

Orilea

What Makes You Thrive in Life?

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Sun, 12 May 2013 16:28:00 +0000

Many things have been rearranging themselves within me, but as that shuffling goes on, I am down to one of the bare bones things that I don't quite yet know how to deal with...

I've never liked/loved Life. It's always been a struggle for me to appreciate it. This world is full of things I don't understand that seem so -damn- hard.

Sure, I have spiritual reasons for being here. Fine. But I don't have personal, human reasons for loving this life.

Here's the thing... I don't want to not live. It's not even that I can't find things to enjoy in this life.

It's more that I cannot find my own compelling reasons for really engaging with Life in a way that thrills me, that's joyful. Some reason or viewpoint that causes me to feel pulled forward into life in a way that isn't just about surviving it but about truly thriving in it. Something that would finally make me love it.

Mostly, I see a world I do not (and perhaps feel I cannot) love.

I see ways of being in the world that quite frankly suck. We have to make money to survive, we have to constantly deal with people we'd rather not, we live in places where nature is either broken or we are disconnected from it, we have to take vacations to maintain our sanity and store that sanity up for the rest of the time. Etc. <Insert your personal list of Life bullshit here.>

We are born into a world that turns us into duty and drudge machines. We become batteries to power the system around us. We are regimented into a culture that drains us.

And to solve this, in our spare time we try to squeeze things in that we 'enjoy' to balance out all the shit we don't. Is that really enough for people? I know it is for some (or it seems to be, though I can't imagine how). But even the things I enjoy don't really seem all that meaningful. They're just not enough to balance out all the crap of life.

"Living lives of quiet desperation" seems to be what's stamped on the ticket of this Life. But I rail against this. It's not enough for me. And dammit, I know there are people out there who have found a way out of that. They live in a way that pleases them without dropping out. They've connected with a way to thrive all on their own.

Sure, maybe they're wired differently than I am, so what they've done may not work for me exactly. But the point is the paradigm, the energetic blueprint, is out there. I just need to find my version.

I need a reason to not just live, not just survive, but to thrive.

It's the piece I haven't found yet. And I'm not sure why.

Some people find it in their children. Ok, but it doesn't seem right to give children the job of saving their parents. Nor are children my path at this time even if I were willing to use them as my reason.

Or in their work. People find that kind of contributive meaning in their work and it drives their love of life. Also not enough for me. Or I just haven't connected with work that so connects to a passion that it drives my thriving in life. (Yet another mystery situation in my life.)

Or they find some recreational activity that just connects them somehow to Life and -bam!- they do that and it balances everything else out for them.

Or probably any number of other things that seem to be true for other people.

But me? I just don't have (or am not connected to) the love of Life.

Which, admittedly, sounds pretty pathetic to say out loud because we're supposed to be all 'rah-rah LIFE!'. But it's the truth (right now). And I strongly suspect it's a truth many of us share even if we don't talk about it with each other.

I'm not satisfied with that condition. I've been seeking that answer as long as I can remember in different ways. But I wonder if I'm just looking at the question wrong, or how I can be so blocked from connecting to life in a way that allows me to thrive here, to really live? What is the something underneath all of this that I really need to see? I refuse to accept that this is "just how life is"... doesn't feel true at all.

I wonder if the key is somehow in the body itself.

Like, if I stop resisting being in a fragile, needy, highly sensitive body (another issue I've had for a long time - the resisting), maybe I can embrace Life in a way I haven't allowed myself to. Because the body itself should really love life, right? Perhaps it can pull the rest of me forward into that space.

I don't know. Questions. Things in process. And there are as many ways to find solutions to anything as there are individual people. But it's something I honestly struggle with all the time and have struggled with for as long as I can remember. Maybe it's just a level of existential crisis that rides in my sidecar. But I'm just not content for that to be the end of that story.

I sure would like to solve it.

Over & Out,

Orilea

Does this resonate with you? Want to commiserate? Or perhaps you've found a way around this in your own life? Please share anything you'd like about this issue as it comes up for you...

Sometimes you have to Pause. And Poise yourself for what's next.

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Tue, 07 May 2013 19:02:00 +0000

I have this eerie feeling lately, and I can't shake it.

I have certainly been going through mounds of internal changes which are absolutely still integrating themselves through me, so maybe that's why.

But something that is present with me almost constantly lately is this awareness of how nothing about the way I've come to view myself, my life, or what I should or even could be doing with any of it is exactly right.

Something has so profoundly shifted somewhere that every exploratory step into the new seems tainted by old ideas. Even old, dependable things no longer seem quite right to me. And I find myself reaching for a new viewpoint where it can feel right and make felt-sense to me again.

It's a bit frustrating, since I can't quite find the shift I know is right... there ... just on the edge of my conscious understanding. But it's also exciting. I can feel the shifting even if I haven't quite fully arrived there will all my pieces and parts.

My core philosophies seem intact. Perhaps I just haven't noticed their shifts yet.

But when I look to take some worldly, tactical action, there is a sense of off-ness about the way I am used to seeing, sensing, feeling, thinking about myself and about the world, or at least about my interaction with it.

There is this strong intuitive pressure to move beyond my ant trails of seeing myself, my reality and the world at large. Though I'm not sure how to do that except to pay attention to that off feeling and, instead of going with my usual perspective, leave space for something new to emerge.

For example, when I look at my talents and abilities, and I consider how I most want to use them in the world, there is a sense of something new wanting to be seen about that, and I have the distinct sense that I am still only seeing with something old, out-moded, too small, and essentially out of kilter.

It has not fully caught up with me, but there is something new being born. In the quiet. In the stillness. In the safe space that keeps itself hidden until its time is at hand.

These are shadowy markers of a new trail emerging.

More and more, I just feel like I have to suspend what I think I know or understand about everything - most especially about myself and how my world works. Possibility and the new is seemingly everywhere, waiting to come forward. I can certainly feel it, at least. Even if I can't quite see it or grasp it.

I'm curious where this awareness will go... where it will draw me and what new things will result. Curious and a bit scared, since I certainly have that "fear of the unknown" thing.

In my life, in many ways, I've been hovering on the edge of action. Some would look at this as some sort of waste. Even I look at it like that sometimes, in my darker moments.

But the truth is that so much has to happen before right action takes place. The waiting is part of that. And the waiting is not fallow time. Massive things happen in that gap in between action and next action.

When I finally get engaged into the next action part, perhaps the path I sense will be revealed.

I find I usually know deep within when something coming into my life is going to sweep me up in itself. And I notice I like to pause before it does. Or perhaps it's more that I have to pause before it does. Alignment occurs inside that pause. Alignment of so many things - most of which I cannot name, but, on good days, I can sense.

Perhaps instead of fighting myself in this moment and fighting the pause that's required, I can just admit the pause is what I, at a very deep level, need. I am paused as much as I am poised for that new thing emerging.

I will step onto that new path with my full self momentarily... and this is the moment just before that.

Writing about it is akin to simply savoring the flavor of it, and noticing where I am right now, because as soon as it starts, it feels like it will be very busy indeed.

Sending my love to you, dear reader, in this moment of space and connection,

Orilea

You're Here On Purpose. (And you can't screw it up.)

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Wed, 17 Apr 2013 15:00:00 +0000

You. Me. Everyone and everything... here on purpose.

That's what I've felt and believed ever since I can remember.

I hear people talk about how you can be "off" purpose or that somehow you can do your life wrong.

And every time I hear it, I know it's not true.

I don't know how I know it. But I know it.

And it's not that I never spin out with worry about whether I'm doing my life "right"... the mind generates worry, and I can be a worrier.

It's that I always come back to that deep touchstone inside that just KNOWS I cannot mess this up, even if my mind likes to spin scary stories.

I think the idea of somehow missing "doing" your purpose and therefore somehow failing at your life is based in a bit of confusion resulting from applying a human idea of success or failure to something that's essentially an esoteric, soul-driven, non-linear process without that kind of pass/fail threshold.

The Perfect Setup

From a soul level, life might be seen as primarily a gathering up of experiences, being just exactly who you came to be, doing exactly what you came to do, for the reasons your soul has in mind.

It's about being who you were set up to be, and following that through. And by following that through, I don't mean you don't get to change! But even the path of changes is to some vast degree set in motion by how we were set up in this life.

Who set you up? You!

The set up is done by the real you: you as a soul essence for benevolent and beneficial reasons. It's not some sadistic authority putting you through your paces to earn your way out of some version of hell. But I know it can feel like that some days!

We are each positioned into bodies, families, places on the planet, at a particular point in time, set in specific cultures. There are an untold number of conditions shaping our development, and they all have gifts and limitations.

At such an early age, we have no conscious control over how anything affects us. Sponges. Positive or negative, it get in there and we change accordingly.

We are loaded down with programs, beliefs, traumas, fears. We experience things that scar us, mar us, and change us.

Indeed, there are many things we may never get past or over.

But we receive the perfect setting for what our soul came here to experience and to help other souls experience. We are set on the perfect path of our becoming.

All this early loading is the landscape, the backdrop, the banks and boulders through which the water of our soul can flow through this life.

Without some sort of form and shape, we would simply flow out onto the land and go nowhere. Instead, we are given a path - a perfect path for us. We are given a framework and structure. We are given unique motivations to move us down that path in our own special way.

Would you ever look at a river and say it's wrong for being the way it is? No, of course not!

It likewise makes no sense, at a soul level, to compare your unique self and your life to another and attempt any sort of ranking of better or worse.

We are shaped and molded into someone who then has a LIFE to live. We're supposed to go down the unique road that all this loading takes us down.

It's by design. Soul design. We are uniquely built and positioned for our lives.

Navigating the Path

We have our inner GPS to guide us down our personal path. Our inner voice, our authentic intuition, can be trusted to lead us.

Something can be right for nearly everyone else, but that GPS might signal that it's not right for you. Hearing and trusting it is both a skill and an art. It's the best tool we have to navigate our lives.

When we listen to that inner voice, we may not find the results we think we are seeking, but we will always find ourselves in the right places, at the right times, and in the right ways. We can trust it, even when it's taking us through some rocky terrain. There is always a reason, and that reason is positive.

We can trust that process even if we don't understand all they whys and wherefores with our minds.

The confusion and doubt comes because part of the deal is a level of amnesia about what we are really doing down here in these human forms at this particular time.

And we have institutionalized comparisonitis where we watch others and evaluate and rank everyone in some made up scheme of things that are good and bad, better and worse, on track and off track.

But we are always on purpose.

Even when we seem to be lost, or when we think we've made a tragic mistake, we are just in that part of the journey. We are in the midst of that experience.

The journey is always self-leveling, self-"correcting" for lack of a better word, because that word unfortunately implies some sort of error.

And if, hypothetically, there is such a thing as straying from our purpose? The straying still serves us. So how could it really be off-track?

This is a simple example, but it works to illustrate the point.

Let's say our intuition is talking to us, but we don't listen for whatever reason. We act in a way we were not being guided to act. And let's say it really blows up in our face. At a human level, sure... that may create some havoc. But look at what just got learned!

Maybe we needed a profound experience in listening so we would be sure how to track that voice within as we walk a future road when it might matter even more that we heed it. We are not as likely to ignore it.

In my view, there is absolutely nothing better than a personal experience. It's probably the most powerful kind of information we can have, because it's grounded. We own it in our bodies.

But a supposed mistake? It's folded into our overall path, and the experience serves.

Our soul knows where we are and where we are going, and is generating the exact right experiences that serve the inherent purpose of our lives. "Mistakes" and all.

There can never be anything wrong going on.

None of who we are or how we are is accidental. And none of it can be incontrovertibly judged as better or worse that anything else out there... at least for us, and our unique walk through life.

Everyone's life has equal intrinsic meaning, value, and purpose. There is no ranking. There is no better.

There is just the unique path of our soul. And our soul is loving the experience no matter how it appears to our human selves.

We have no way of knowing why a certain soul has designed a certain type of experience.

We don't often consciously know why we are on a certain journey.

Sometimes, in retrospect, we see the wisdom of the path. Sometimes, we need to broaden our view to glimpse it. And sometimes, we just have to step forward in trust, even if we're fumbling in the dark.

As we bop through the world, generating ripple effects that involve others, there is collective purpose we are each participating in, too. Wheels within wheels within wheels ad infinitum. And there is deep purpose there, too!

Looking at something that doesn't seem to be good enough? Annoyed by things which just won't heal or change? Limiting things in your life which don't want to budge?

Getting past or over it may not even the point! Or it may just have its own timing in the scheme of your life.

We can obsess about it, but whether we do or we don't is not so much the issue.

If we're moved to try, then whether we "achieve" the end point we have in mind or not, it's the moving towards getting past or over something can be an amazing catalyst in itself.

Trusting what we're moved toward - not achieving the outcome we have in mind - is the thing.

Exposing a really old belief many of us have...

Many of us hold deeply programmed beliefs based in our cultural inheritance that basically say something like:

If I'm really on track, or right with God, or aligned to my soul properly, then my life will be smooth, healthy, wealthy, romantic, safe, happy, comfortable, ...

If I am good enough, or righteous enough, or _____ enough, then I will be rewarded with a basically smooth, happy, comfortable, "perfect" (insert your own definitions) life.

Your details may vary, but so many of us have these ideas that being spiritually aligned and connected "right" means we get everything we (think we) want.

And in recent years, this has been fanned up in the collective with the proliferation of all things related to the "Law of Attraction" and "The Secret". Most of these seem to be limited and rather simplistic viewpoints on just one Universal Law. (It will doubtlessly be another blog post at some point!)

But the magic of life and living is so much deeper, wiser, and more complex than that.

If (when) something in life is rough in some way, or it's counter to what we think we want, then this belief system causes us to feel we must be at fault somehow, that we are wrong, that we are out of alignment with God's plan for us, disconnected from our Soul, or out of whack with our true path.

Because, of course, our true path would be perfectly comfortable, safe (in a human sense), joyful all the time, etc.!

And when we think we and our lives are somehow wrong, we have a tendency to sink into vats of shame, guilt, low self-worth, and whatever your personal poison of choice is.

But this view point is based in inherent assumptions about what a "good" and "right" life is, and it assumes we can evaluate and validate the true purpose of our lives and how that best expresses itself by such external human-driven criteria.

Which, I don't believe is true in a deeper sense at all. Though certainly it can be hard to remember there are other ways to see things!

Keeping Wholeness In Mind

The apparently positive and the apparently negative aspects of life and of ourselves all serve the Wholeness, growth, and evolution of all things. There are no real mistakes.

Everything serves.

EVERYTHING SERVES.

Life is not a win-lose kind of thing from the perspective of our true soul purpose in being here. Winning or losing at life is a strictly human construct.

From a soul perspective? Every life has guaranteed value. Every life is a guaranteed WIN, no matter how our human minds are geared to judge ourselves or each other.

We are unique sparks of consciousness, here for our own reasons, perfectly imperfect, playing together and generating ripples that reach far into the future.

In sharing this viewpoint which helps me with much needed perspective so often in my life, I'm hoping it brings you the same touchstone of inner peace and grounding that it gives me.

Perhaps it will strike a chord of Truth in you, too.

In reverence, love, and honoring of your unique soul's journey, no matter what it looks like!

Orilea

Clearing Out Negative Energies: Quick & Easy!

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Sat, 13 Apr 2013 16:48:00 +0000

Over the years, I've worked with different tools and techniques to eliminate negative, sticky energy out of my field or space. But in the last couple years I've hit on what is for me the simplest, easiest way to energetically take out the trash.

Whether it has collected there because of psychic intrusion, psychic attack, empath-ing things that I didn't get rid of later, or just walking through energy cow pies... it doesn't matter.

All these many and varied versions of ick collect in our personal field or space (or aura, if you like).

They can drag us down and cause us to feel drained and tired. They can and do affect our emotions and thoughts.

Some people are more energy sensitive than others and seem affected more profoundly by it. But that doesn't mean they are necessarily conscious of the energy they are being affected by. It's more that they have a sensitivity in their energy system which responds.

I happen to have one of those sensitive energy systems and bodies. Perhaps it's partly because I'm also an HSP (Highly Sensitive Person) that this shows up this way for me. And there's nothing vainglorious about that "being sensitive to energy" thing either! Every "gift" has two sides... the front of the hand and the back of the hand. And that back of the hand can smack you around sometimes.

Anyway.

Turns out, it's just good field management to clean it out periodically. So, I share here my very best and easiest tool for doing just that.

The way I do it.

It's so simple, yet incredibly powerful.

It's Love. But it's a certain frequency of love applied in a certain way that makes all the difference.

First, we need to talk about what kind of Love to use for this. It's a term that, in our language, covers so many frequencies, vibrations, and experiences!

In this case, I'm talking about connecting with a very pure and impersonal vibration of Love. Like primordial Love. The Love that is from the most sacred part of your soul, not from your emotions or your thoughts. It is Love untainted by opinions, separation from the whole, or drives of the ego. It is Divine Love, or Cosmic Love, or Universal Unconditional Love. It is the Force behind the curtain that powers all things. It is the Love from Source for all of Life, all of Existence.

And we are each swimming in that Love. It sustains us at our very deepest levels. We are already tapped into it, though not necessarily consciously.

First things first: get out of your own way.

If you're annoyed or pissed off about dealing with negative energy or psychic attacks or anything where you're upset, afraid, or angry, it will be important to set that upset aside - just for the purposes of this exercise, you can pick it back up later on if you want to (and if it's still there, which it likely won't be unless you whip up a fresh batch of it.)

Any flavor of vengeance you might be feeling will not allow you to access that Love vibration. You have to just let it all go for a few minutes while you do this.

You also need to let go of the fear of anything negative or even malicious you perceive with any of the energy in your space. Just set it aside as an act of faith for a moment. Remember that the essence of you is bigger, deeper, wider than anything which can come against you. Anchor into that. Find the Earth and draw on its energy to ground yourself, if you need to. But fear can get in the way of accessing Love.

There is a space of neutrality we can all access, even if it's only for a short sliver of time, where there is no blame, no shame, no recrimination, no vengeance, no fear. That's really the first step.

If you're having trouble with these sorts of emotions clouding you and you can't find that neutral space to set them aside, there are things you can do to help open up that space. Here are some I use:

Take a little time do relax and discharge your energy. Maybe it's taking a walk, standing on the Earth, taking a shower or a bath, eating or drinking something, playing with or petting your pets. Maybe you just need to voice your fears, anger or upset out loud and be heard. Use anything that works for you.
Ground yourself to the Center of the Earth and allow all your upset to flow down into it until you feel clear enough to proceed.
Go ahead and access as much of the Love vibration you can in whatever way you can, and let it wash through your thoughts and feelings. Let it neutralize you.
Call upon your Spiritual beliefs to assist you. For me, I call in Angelic energy when I need a boost or some help. This works great when I'm having trouble setting aside whatever emotions I'm having about something. But use whatever is useful for you to help you shift.

Once you have that handled (enough), then it's time to access the Love full on.

Accessing the Love energy.

If I'm having trouble finding that particular flavor of Love energy in a conscious way some days, I use the GPS of my heart to find it.

I focus on my heart area - both my physical heart and the energetic heart that is part of it - and I ask it to show me my connection to my Original Source. What shows up for me is a line or a tether that goes from the center of my heart forward and outward, and I follow it with my awareness all the way back to its true, original energetic Source. (I believe what's happening with this is I'm tapping into my Soul's connection to its Original Source, which is the Source of All Things.)

I'm a feeler and a see-er in that sense, so this works for me. But if you have other ways of connecting, use whatever works for you.

We all have different ways of accessing energy or vibrational states. We experience these things in our own way. Your most natural way might be to see, feel, hear, smell, sense, or just know. You might have one primary way or some combination. Different ways may show up at different times.

None of those ways are better or worse than any other. We all have natural ways of accessing awareness like this because it's a natural part of the human energy system. They might be dormant slightly, so if this is new to you don't worry if it's a bit unclear. It will get easier as you get used to working with it and get to know your own style.

Most of the time, though, I can access that Love vibration by just shifting my awareness to that specific, expanded vibration of Love. I see it as a tiny, concentrated seed or spark deep in the innermost central space of my heart.

When you've got it...

From that concentrated seed or spark of Love in my heart space, I simply expand it out... slowly at first, gently. I let it set its own pace. There's no need to rush it or keep it slower than it wants to be either.

I let it expand through my whole body and out past my body into every bit of me that is energy and space... my field, my aura, my space... any extended aspects of myself.

At this point, I usually feel a palpable shift and release of whatever stuck energy is there at this time. It feels like a softening, a melting of hard edges that I couldn't even name (and don't need to).

Sometimes I stop there because the release I'm looking for has been achieved, but usually I keep going. It just feels good to do that, and Love likes to flow out in abundance. When you're in the flow of it, it just feels good to go with it.

So, I go with it.

Further and farther, I let it continue to flow out from the center of my being, filling the room I'm sitting in, the building, the block, the neighborhood, the city, the state, the country, the world, the solar system, and all of Existence. I let it go as far and as wide as it wants to go at that time. But Love likes to expand, so don't be surprised if it goes quite far indeed.

I just keep expanding it until it feels "done".

Love is The Universal Solvent for any kind of energy.

That vibration of Love just melts everything in its way. It is part of all things, and it's foundational to all things, so it's kind of a Universal Solvent. It offers no resistance, but it renders everything neutral and absorbs it safely into itself.

There is no need for attacking, battling, or in any way getting into a contest of will or strength with anything "negative". In fact, I never recommend "doing battle" with anything you perceive to be negative or malicious, even if you experience it actively coming after you.

Just don't engage it. And, flinging vengeful, angry, attacking energy of your own engages it.

Been there, done that, and it's a universally bad idea. There are better ways to be a Spiritual Warrior, if that's your thing. Why not melt and dissolve negative energies with Love? (I freely acknowledge it sounds hippy-dippy when I say it like that, but in practice, when you experience it, it's anything but.)

There's also no need to be afraid of anything "negative" or even malicious. When you get into that Love vibration, there is no fear there as much as there is no anger, rage, or vengeance there. And it is so much bigger than whatever it is that's affecting you.

I've found this to be a great practice to do as a regular thing for maintenance or just to use when I'm feeling like I've collected some excessive amounts of junk in my field.

Try it sometime and let me know how it works for you! Or if you have other things you like to use, please feel free to comment and share.

With love,

Orilea

Self-Sabotage... Entering Negotiations!

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Sat, 13 Apr 2013 05:59:00 +0000

Grand Prismatic Spring in Yellowstone National Park

Self-sabotage is a powerful force... and usually an unconscious one.

You don't feel it coming, except you see the evidence of wreckage in your life. You will see it by its fruits.

The inner Saboteurs residing in our subconscious psyche are always trying to keep us safe, so it's not like they are trying to hurt us.

They are generally trying to help save us from some horrid fate or, in my case, the threat of (perceived) death.

But the reality is that we can outgrow the wisdom of our Saboteurs. We need different boundaries than the ones they are enforcing.

Today, I had a "come to Jesus" moment with recognizing some powerful Saboteur energy running my life these days.

So far this year, I have on 4 separate occasions attempted to make practical moves toward creating something different in my work life that is very high on my priority list. VERY HIGH.

But each time I have set that time aside and declared "this shall be the week I will make that change!", something happens to smack me down and literally make it impossible to do anything that week toward my intention.

In each of these cases, I have become so ill with my body physically, I was laid out. All week!

That, my friends, is a hella-powerful unconscious process going on.

And, honestly, I don't feel it happening. It just shows up. But it's a pattern that's hard to miss!

I finally had to admit today that a massive sabotage energy has me in its jaws, my conscious mind but a pawn to its deeper drives.

It took me quite a few hours and rather a lot of tears as I touched on very emotionally sensitive fears and beliefs to get down to it once I started, but I think I understand the dynamic and see a way forward now.

(Time will tell if this is enough to free me from its attempts to save me from myself.)

A basic process.

First, I got a lay of the land of how the saboteur is expressing itself as the blockage. I talked it out with a friend, but it would have worked to write it out, too.

They key was acknowledging the Sabotage afoot, and seeing into the dynamic it was presenting both emotionally and in reality. Finding the what and the why of it all.

This situation is in my area of work. Without getting into too many personal details, I discovered I was in a no-win, totally double bind situation. All pathways were blocked off to making important changes in my work life and the stillness of inertia was being enforced. Inertia in this case must be about creating safety (still = safe), and the pathways I am considering work-wise were obviously super threatening to my unconscious. It kept forcibly shutting me down.

I did some digging into my fears and beliefs... those little voices niggling in my mind about what-if and secret things that felt scary. They all had to come out into the light and be named, expressed. When I'd touch upon something deep I'd burst into tears.

It was a very intense but surprisingly easy process. When something is ready to shift and you move to interact with it, it moves to interact with you, too. It's all right there.

Once I understood the lay of the land - the map of how this was wired in me - the next thing was to strike a new deal.

What makes a good negotiation?

Successful negotiations with Saboteurs depend on a couple of important factors.

1. Gratitude toward and understanding of the Saboteur's good intentions.

The first and very foundational thing is recognizing that the Saboteur, while its certainly producing some distasteful results, is totally your friend. It only wants to help and protect you, no matter how misguided it seems to the conscious mind or how it screws up one's conscious plans. Its intention is to take care of you, and it takes it very seriously. For that, I am genuinely grateful and appreciative!

2. Never make promises you cannot whole-heartedly deliver.

This is a biggie! It can be tempting to make promises that will get you off the hook with your Saboteur, but if you really are not lined up to that, you and your Saboteur will know you cannot be trusted with that promise, and it will be pointless to try that route. No one will believe you, including your conscious self. So, if you cannot follow through on something, don't promise it in the first place. It will get you nowhere and undermine trust between your unconscious and conscious selves making it harder to negotiate in the future for the things you want to get every aspect of you lined up with to move forward.

Honesty is the best policy - really - even if negotiations between your conflicting pieces and parts take longer. You can only be deeply truthful for your negotiations to work effectively.

3. Think about making a good, fair deal so all parties can be totally on board and happy.

A good deal is one that works for all parties concerned and everyone feels fully aligned with and confidently committed to. Deal specifics are only limited by one's creativity! They have to feel right, of course. And it's essential to take into account the Saboteur's needs to keep you safe as well as your own desire to get somewhere or do something the Saboteur does not agree with.

What happened when I tried to negotiate?

I was stumped for a while when it came to negotiating details. I could come up with no deal to offer my Saboteurs because I couldn't think of what I could trade or promise in exchange for my Saboteurs backing off and loosening the reigns.

In my case, my Saboteurs have me in a double-bind: damned if I do, damned if I don't. So, they literally have generated an inertia point - stasis - which is no longer tenable.

Something has to shift NOW, or my safety really will be threatened on some level.

I have to be "allowed" to move forward: my Saboteur has to stop laying out my body every time I plan to take serious steps in the direction I've chosen!

But every time I thought about what I could promise or trade for being allowed safe passage forward, I realized I couldn't make that promise or that trade. I literally might not be able to keep to it, and that's the truth. I kept coming up against that wall.

Until I realized something very important: my saboteurs who are so carefully keeping me safe by keeping me still are Avatars of a very old program I have called "Mistakes will kill you."

Like in the movie The Matrix (or one of them in the trilogy), this program has an agent or avatar, a champion, and it has taken the form of my Saboteur to insure I do not hurt (kill) myself by making a "mistake".

Whoa. I say "whoa" because that "mistakes will kill you" program is one I've been unpacking and working through hard-core for at least a year that I know of. I've had it ever since I can remember. Perhaps it's even one of those ancestral ones that I inherited in my DNA, reinforced by life experiences that got cobbled onto it over time.

These dear Saboteurs are still embodying the old program, bless them, doing their damnedest to keep me from taking a flying leap off any seemingly scary proverbial cliff. And, in their world, they are tasked with my safety despite myself. It's their job to overrule me, when necessary, to keep me safe. Mistakes have not been safe.

But that means I don't get to try anything new that pushes my current edges. It means I have to stay in a very small box to stay "safe" and, from the perspective of the Saboteurs, ALIVE. (Which, you know, I have a hard time being upset about.)

So, in this case, the only thing I could discuss with my Saboteurs and negotiate in good conscience was a change in the underlying rule set they are using, and some new agreements about how they would keep me "safe". I could not make any promises to stay safe under the old paradigm of mistakes = death. There is no safe there for me anymore.

The deal we struck.

Seeing to that deeper level of the overall program my Saboteurs were tasked with enforcing was THE key. It made everything make sense and allowed me to see immediately what had to happen.

I explained to my Saboteurs that the rule set itself is actually obsolete.
I explained that my ultimate goal is to live a juicy life, not to stay safe from any "mistakes" I might make.
I showed them how I couldn't even really define what a "mistake" was anymore because the meaning had so changed for me.
I talked to them about how mistakes were essential for me to be free to make in order to get where I need to go and get there more rapidly.
I explained that they could help me to stay safe by warning me with strong intuition when I was close to something potentially dangerous.
But that they would have to trust me to make the final decision.
I let them know that I was the responsible party if I made a mistake, and they were totally absolved of any responsibility should something I do either fail or not turn out the way I'd hoped, or -gasp!- actually bring about something traumatic.
I promised to keep listening hard to my intuition to hear them well, and that I would appreciate a strong intuitive warning if they saw I was approaching something that made them nervous for me.
But that I had to be free to make my choices no matter what - even if it potentially endangered me in their view.
They had to let me be in charge, regardless of the outcome.
I promised I wouldn't do anything to actually make myself die - either pursuing something that would physically jeopardizing me to that level or allowing something to truly kill my spirit.

This, my dears, was the golden ticket! I felt it all shift. They were totally on board... there was no resistance to these ideas from my Saboteurs.

They updated themselves to the new rules. They were, frankly, relieved that I was responsible now instead of them bearing the burden of all of this.

Moving into the new!

I feel like I need a sleep cycle (a decent night of sleep, which I'm about to be off to!) to really allow this shift to process through my layers.

But everything already feels like it's unwinding. Things that I didn't know felt blocked in my body (my torso area, especially, it seems!) are unwinding, relaxing, loosening. That amazes me in itself. I have more energy in my body. There is more flow and far less resistance.

I'm curious to see what happens as I move forward with my plans which have up until now been such a deep existential threat to my unconscious.

If I get laid out again, well... I'll know there's still some work to be done. And that's ok, ya know? Things sometimes have to be done in layers. I know I did everything that was made available to be done as of today.

But I strongly suspect I will be granted the freedom to move forward, to dare, to dream, to pursue those dreams into the vast and beautiful unknown.

We'll see. No matter what the outcomes of next steps will be, today was victorious and beautiful. I end it totally grateful and abundantly hopeful.

And I can't help but wonder if that shift I was perceiving early in the week was at least partly bringing me to this point today.

Thanks for reading! I hope it was a helpful, practical look at dealing with self-sabotage. Please feel free to share anything this sparks for you in the comments.

With love + prayers for Ease and Grace to anyone in the midst and needing it right now,

Orilea

For more info on dealing with our resident pieces and parts, you might look into "Voice Dialogue" techniques by Drs. Hal and Sidra Stone. This work today was a personal riff using those core ideas.

It's a Calms Forte kinda day.

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 07:41:00 +0000

Calms Forte!

It's a total sanity-saver.

Calms Forte (not regular Calms - it's missing some key ingredients) is this amazing homeopathic that knocks out my anxiety and other stress-type upsets.

It's marketed as a sleep aid, and some people use it to sleep better. I don't find it makes me especially sleepy unless I actually need sleep, but it definitely helps to wind down, and that's good for sleep or whenever!

I take 2-3 as needed and it seriously works. You can't overdose on this stuff.

The anxiety just dissolves, and I feel normal.

Not a better-than-me normal (like anti-anxiety things sometimes do). Just me, feeling good-normal. In fact, usually the return to "normal" is so natural that I don't even realize I'm not anxious anymore because I'm so not tracking being anxious anymore!

And if it starts to come back in a few hours or whatever, I pop 2-3 more.

I've never had anything work like that to just return me to a normal state without any intrusion of various side effects. Amazing, right?

There has been some really uncomfortable stuff running around my nervous system these days. I wrote recently about the emotion trapped in old patterns is being purged.

Temporarily re-experiencing some really old, trapped gunk is less than fun. It's useful to know what all is clearing and changing. But fun? Meh. Not so much.

Anyway, it's been a Calms Forte couple of days really, even though I suffered for a day or two before remembering it.

Bless it for existing. It makes weathering interesting times much easier. I'm so grateful!

Let me know if you use it or decide to try it. I'd love to hear how it works for you.

Orilea

Tired to the bone. (A massive shift.)

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Tue, 09 Apr 2013 05:21:00 +0000

Geez I'm tired.

Do you know that kind of tired that comes when you've had plenty of sleep - technically - and you wake up tired? You nap if you can, but you stay tired. You're tired until it's time to go to bed again. And you wake up tired, and do it all over the next day.

I've been here before, and I recognize the location.

It's not depression, though there are emotional ebbs and flows. There are some very old emotional states coming back up as they are processing out.

I'm also sure it's not some sort of sudden physical malfunction.

It's just a shift. A shift in my patterns in a big way. It's been quite a whirlwind lately. Lots and lots of things are shifting and finding new levels lately, and some very deep and old things letting go.

I see the tracks of it in my thoughts, my sudden insights, my view of very old things rearranging itself. So much new space within showing up.

That's a lot of hustle and bustle going on at the subtle levels. A lot of heavy lifting at the less than fully conscious levels.

Everything looks different from here already. And this bit is not over yet.

I find when I'm going through deep shifts like this I tend to actually need to eat some sugar... not fruit, not honey, SUGAR. The kind in the sugar bowl. There's something about a spoonful of sugar periodically here and there as I feel it that helps my body change its patterns.

I've long suspected it's when neuron patterns are rewiring. Sugar as fuel for smoother changes in the neural net of the body.

I've refused to give it in the past when I was sugar-phobic, but it doesn't really need that much usually, and when I refuse it at times like these it makes things so needlessly hard on my nervous system and seems to prolong the strain on my body.

Why be cruel and withholding? I've kind of made a pact with myself to cut that kind of self-bullying out (to the best of my ability).

Also, I'm not digesting dense or heavier foods like meats too well. All that digestion energy is digesting at other levels.

All my energy feels like it's busy elsewhere.

It amazes me how everything comes down to energy with so many interconnections... how the body can be just taken down by what seems like a largely energetically-driven process.

Hoping the fatigue shifts soon. I have things to do! (! ! !) Some of them are, frankly, pressing.

In the meantime, I'm doing my best to respect what's going on and allow it to be there, allow myself to just be there, without needing to overly understand whatever is invisible to me right now, or slipping too deeply into fretful-land over all the undone things, or getting suffocated by the occasional emotional wave that is just passing through on its way back out to sea.

Sometimes, it's just not about forcing. Well, it's really never about forcing, is it?

I'm so very grateful for what's changing and opening in me right now, even if the shifting is (temporarily) incredibly exhausting.

Resting + Rearranging,

Orilea

That Non-Judgy Thing (Being Less of a Judgy McJudgy-Pants)

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Sat, 06 Apr 2013 01:28:00 +0000

Photo by Irum courtesy of stock.xchng

I listened this week to Jo Dunning's freebie call at the Energized Living Today series. She was amazing, as usual. But this one was extra amazing. It was possibly her best one yet or at least my favorite so far.

The topic was Awakening Consciousness. She spoke with powerful clarity about some foundational elements which stand in our way or enhance our flow into more expanded states and provided several energy processes to help those listening ease those shifts in themselves, if they so choose.

I noticed effects the very next day, and they're still coming! In addition to some powerful energetic support, it was hella useful to get the mind on board with really cogent information to make some shifts. Jo used to teach professionally, and she's an incredible communicator!

I can't do it justice here, but I've been bowled over from it. I'm not a newbie in this area, but sometimes you have to hear something in a particular way at a particular right time to "get it". And this time, a lot got through.

I highly encourage you to check it out if you're at all interested. There's a replay through this weekend only.

She covered various things, each with their own energy process to support a shift. And each thing went to the core of things I struggle around every day.

Is It Judgement or Observation?

Specifically in the area of being judgmental, I've really been asking questions for a while (of myself, of the Universe, conversations with friends, etc.) about judgement vs. observation.

Is it judgmental to notice something about someone and dislike it?

Where is the line crossed from observation to judgement?

Well, Jo really nailed an answer in this call. With examples. And it's been helping me ever since!

In a nutshell, (and again, I'm probably not going to do justice to how she puts it forward so listen for yourself if you can), but she points out all the little ways we bring our judgmental butts to the table.

"That person is walking too slowly across the street."

"That hair color is unflattering."

"Those clothes look so dowdy."

"That person lacks ambition."

Blah, blah, blah, chatter-chatter.

Most of these examples are off the top of my head, but the gist is hers.

Jo's overall point was that if she could wave a magic wand over humanity to change just one thing that would make the most difference, it would be in this area of being judgmental. It's that damaging. It holds us back that much.

So, my mind really lit up with this, and the energy work helped to start moving me into a different place.

Practicing Shucking the Judgy-Pants

The practice I'm doing now is opening myself back up to the things that would have normally irritated me instead of turning away from them outright. Just... allowing them to be there in my sphere. I am just watching my reactions, seeing what I say to myself in my head, and seeing if I can imagine a less judgy response.

It's so knee-jerk, that judgyness. Ugh!

I used to think I didn't do this that much. But I didn't realize what I was actually doing.

Now that I see it, I see it as just an extension of negative chatter, because dontchaknow I'm judging myself with all that "observation", too! Duh!

I mean, I knew that already - the thing about judging others and judging yourself the same way - but I'm seeing and feeling it all in a very different way right now. And to some extent, it's about getting clear that I'm not just "observing" in a truly neutral fashion. I'm flat out judging, which is the part I wasn't really clear about until now.

Watching what I actually do, I see that I judge on the way to finding my compassion for the thing I'm noticing. I mean, seriously... that's completely hilarious! I'm glad I could get to the end point of compassion (usually). But I sure as heck judge a lot on the way to getting there, which, really? Not strictly necessary. Ha!

But up until this, detaching from the things has often meant shutting that "offensive" (judgy, I know) person or situation (or stimulus for lack of a better word) out or down. Negative people, the TV news, annoying personalities, etc. Shut. It. Down.

And partly, that's been to end the negative chatter in my head! The Judgyness, really. Because that's actually painful to listen to. And really -really- uncomfortable to have running as background noise.

That said, I do think it's good to manage where I put my attention. What comes in through attention is like food, and it can be nourishing or it can be junk. It can be downright toxic. I riffed about boundaries recently where I explored that a bit more. What I'm saying here is an addendum to that as things are processing and continuing to unfold.

But as a practice in loosening the judgy-pants, this observing the judgements is like a waking mediation where I just observe myself judging and hear what I say (and feel shocked half the time, now that I'm really listening.)

It's similar to a mindfulness exercise I suppose, though I'm loathe to call it that because of what the word "mindful" conjures for me. Being "mindful" just doesn't sound like a lot of fun and has that energy of something I'm supposed to be doing, a should, which is icky and makes me resist it on principle.

(Apologies to the readers who are embracers of mindfulness! I totally admire you, actually. I just have a hard time with what that word feels like for me. Let me know if you have another word for it that's more fun. "Watching", maybe?)

Anyway, whatever one wants to call it, doing this is good. It's useful. It's most definitely shifting things.

Entering more deeply into the space of non-judgy-ness makes so much sense. Everyone's really on their own journey that's right for them. Measuring, comparing, evaluating one against another or against a supposed standard or ideal makes no sense at that level.

I knew that before, and I acted on it to the degree I was able. But I know it at a deeper level now. I know it a little more deeply inside my bones in a way that opens up space in my mind and my heart. A space to suspend judgement a bit more than before, and relax into a space that's more comfortable, gentle, and friendly.

Oh how I long for a more friendly interior space!

It's interesting that I'm also having a release around the fear of being judged by others as I'm starting to release my own judgments at the same time. Sides of the same coin...

Judging Less <=> Fearing Judgment Less

What Does Non-Judgy Look Like?

The hoped for end state... or, at least, my conscious intention at this point?

I see the possibility to get to a state where I can observe something that would normally irritate me, make me afraid, or cause a negative reaction, and let it be itself without needing to make it wrong, even if I have to distance myself from it for my own well being or to better control my attention.

I imagine seeing and noticing what's in front of me without needing to make a judgmental story about it.

And I see being ok with my negative reactions if I have them, too. There's so much more self-acceptance and kindness in this new, non-judgy (less judgy) space.

Bring it on.

With love for you and wherever you are in your process right now,

Orilea

Share with me if you will! How have you been with your own processes in this area? What have you learned about calming all that judgy chatter towards self and others? How do you cultivate friendliness towards yourself and others who trigger your "stuff"?

Just For Fun? YES.

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 18:39:00 +0000

All my deeper interests over the years have been killed off by the push or the implicit pressure to make them into something.

Singing, Making Art, Building Things, Horseback-riding, Playing Piano, Playing Guitar, Writing, Making Jewelry. Probably other expressions I never even approached because I knew I would never find myself to be good enough or it would take too long to get good at it or some other measure I figured it would be either too hard or take too long to meet in order to legitimize even starting it.

Yuck.

Like, actually just being interested in something meant I had to do something with it.

Other than enjoy it. Just for its own sake.

If I was ever "good" at something or naturally talented in a given area, I had to "do" something with it. Otherwise, what's the point of having the talent, right? Riiiiiiight??!

If I actually loved something and had fun engaging with it?

Well then!

"Why don't you find a way to make money with it?"

"Maybe that's what you'll BE when you grow up?"

"Here's a competition we'll enter you into and you might win!"

Sigh. Gah. ACK!

That sucks the life right out of a thing.

It sticks with me even now in so many ways. But I'm seriously {ha! playfully?} working on this because it's a significant block to me accessing my genuine joy.

That if there's no one to consume my product (yeah, cuz it's not just a talent or a joyful play thing anymore), or if my product isn't good enough (in my mind or theirs according to some arbitrary standard), there's no point in doing whatever it is.

Doing it just for the fun of it? No way! The fun has been cut out, cut off, separated from me.

You go dead inside from shit like that.

There is officially nothing wrong with productizing your play, but when that's the only thing that's considered worthwhile (or how you've internalized that message), it's a joy and play killer.

I officially hate feeling like I have to twist and turn any interest or joy or talent I have into a product for other people to judge, decide if it's good enough to pay for, etc. Such bullshit.

And yet, I want my work - the work I do for money - to be a true joy! I want it to connect to my heart and be an expression of my truest, deepest self. I want it to bring me pleasure, ferchrissakes.

I don't want to have to make money doing things I don't enjoy or don't feel like play for me! That's a recipe for misery, too.

Conflict much? Yeah.

There's this old pattern + this new way I want to be, and I'm at a point in my life where I really don't want to be stuck in my small boxes. The old pattern is a very small, very limiting box. That's why all this is so up for me these days.

Photo by Rob Owen-Wahl, courtesy of stock.xchng

And, hey, I'm making progress. I'm thinking about my old passions. I'm remembering. I'm playing with the idea of engaging some of them again... just for the fun.

After taking the (self-imposed) rules out of my space here, I'm even writing more! I'm expressing! I'm re-owning, reclaiming my original joys. And I'm looking for new ones that don't have any old baggage attached to 'em.

Any amount of progress towards this is another brick in the road back to my juiciest, most alive self.

And, after all, that's what I'm actually seeking.

Sending my love for your juiciest self who is still alive & kickin',

Orilea

What are some of your joys, talents, passions, hobbies? Do you struggle with this conflict I'm describing? Or maybe you've solved it for yourself! Please share your wisdom here.

Deconstructing Boundaries: When Fences Become Walls

noreply@blogger.com (Orilea) — Thu, 04 Apr 2013 01:23:00 +0000

I'm all about the boundary-setting. I think it's a damn fine idea to draw lines that keep you feeling good in your world. They keep the bad, distracting, yucky stuff out, and create space for all the good stuff you want to cultivate. Not that I draw them perfectly (meh - who does?), but I am definitely willing to draw them.

But... I'm questioning my usual approach to them right now.

I received some energy healing yesterday from the amazing Jo Dunning, and I woke up today feeling really differently (and a little uncomfortable) about how I've been doing this whole boundaries thing in my world.

Whether it's people or situations or other things in life, I feel like it's all gotten a little too restrictive and dense. Too brittle. Like my useful fences have sprung up into blocking walls, and they're no longer keeping me safe, they're somehow keeping me inside.

I am not liking that feeling. It's gone from sheltering me and giving me space to what feels like an overly restrictive container.

I'm not sure if it's the boundaries themselves that are off in some way, or if it's the way I feel about them once I've drawn them, or something else.

You see, I have a tendency to draw them hard. On the one hand, that means these hard lines aren't terribly flexible. But on the other hand, I have known I can do that to make myself feel safe when I'm feeling unsafe.

For example, if I believe someone is not good for me on some important level (and I take pains to feel sure of this), I have zero problems with drawing those lines and separating myself from them or them from me.

But the thing that is niggling at me today about all this is that something feels too tight, too hard, too... restrictive in the way I've been experiencing the need to draw my lines.

Just Trying to Feel Safe

Reflecting on this a bit, I'm seeing that safety is a big issue when I'm drawing boundaries. In one way or another, it comes down to that for me much (all?) of the time.

Physical safety is one thing and non-negotiable. When I have come across truly unsafe people (and I don't always wait for them to prove it to me with some sort of finality - scaring me is enough), I cut them out of my world without any compunction.

The tricker bit comes in when I'm dealing with issues of emotional safety.

Let's face it... some people are just not healthy for one's sense of mental or emotional wellbeing. And those need appropriate boundaries, too.

But this is a trickier situation for me to experience (and to draw healthy boundaries around) because I tend to question whether I should be feeling emotionally unsafe in that situation. Or, I wonder if it reflects a weakness or character flaw or some other defect or deficiency in me that I am feeling the way I am feeling?

Still, I feel the way I feel, and that needs to be honored and given proper respect.

Even if I'm having a reaction today to a certain person that, over time, I may grow out of or evolve past, that doesn't mean drawing the boundary is inappropriate. And it certainly doesn't mean that what I'm in disharmony with today I'll be in harmony with in that mythical tomorrow.

But I often feel guilty for supporting myself this way. I feel badly rejecting people outright, even when that's exactly what I need to do for my own wellbeing.

Is it because most people don't do this that it feels weird that I do? Am I too hair-trigger at times? Do I distrust my reasoning? Is it just hard to stand up for myself and feel ok about it sometimes?

Maybe sometimes the answer is yes to all of these, but I cannot honestly look back and say I've been wrong about the boundaries I've chosen to set. When I've perceived someone as somehow dangerous to my wellbeing, I've been right. The boundaries I've drawn have always supported me.

And, I've always done this. Well, 'always' as in since I was a little kid. What can I say? I was a weird kid who was careful about who I hung out with. The whole "lay down with dogs, wake up with fleas" scenario was something I tried to avoid.

There's a lot of validity to being careful in whose company you spend your time and to whom you give your attention and focus. These are very real currency we have, and it's healthy to choose wisely how we spend it.

It's About the Pain

As I'm thinking through these questions, though, I'm aware that when I cut people (or companies, or situations, etc.) out this way it's because they've caused me and are continuing to cause me significant emotional pain. And that's no less important than someone threatening me physically. Emotional pain is the pain that keeps on giving.

When it comes to emotional pain though, drawing lines really just stops the bleeding. Pain, once inflicted, has to be dealt with and can take time. But stopping the bleeding or the active cutting that's causing the bleeding is important. Hence, the boundaries and not letting people in who are damaging.

There are some people who just don't jive with your emotional sensibilities and say or do things in ways that are just painful. Why the heck should we make room for that in our personal world?

Sure, some people are good at just ignoring it or have very thick skins. Not everyone is pained by the same things, and everyone has their own approach. I'm not quibbling with that.

But for me, if it feels important to get away from a given person, then that's always a good thing to do.

So, I feel like I just reconfirmed my decisions around some boundaries I have. Why the tightness and restriction, then?

It's Also About Humiliation

Looking deeper at how I'm feeling, I see that underneath the pain, I feel somehow humiliated when someone causes me emotional pain.

Oh Humiliation. You're so hard to feel when I'm feeling you. Let's see what's up.

Some part of me feels somehow wrong for feeling hurt by something someone has said or done... like, "I'm not supposed to be having that reaction", "I should be stronger than that somehow", or "I'm too weak and overly fragile (sensitive) if they are able to affect me like this."

GAH! Makes so much sense.

Oh boy, did I get a lot of the "you're too sensitive" and "you're too fragile to survive" growing up as a Highly Sensitive child!

Of course, back then, no one understood my strength yet, and they were (understandably) afraid for me. They also had never made peace with their own Highly Sensitive natures, so it's unsurprising that their reaction to my sensitivity was fear for me and my wellbeing out there in the big wide scary hard world.

Clearly, I internalized their reaction in many ways.

It certainly served to make me feel wrong to feel emotional pain and, therefore, by feeling that pain, some part of me came to believe the very feeling of it and being actually pained by it meant I was not strong enough to survive in the world... that there was something fundamentally dangerous about being affected in that way.

I mean, are you not supposed to feel? Not supposed to hurt?

Of course I'd want to shut it down and eliminate the sources ASAP. I would put up some very strong boundaries around things that caused me pain.

The very act of setting those boundaries would be an act of strength and defiance against the pain and my sensitivity to it. (Not that the boundaries are wrong, just another layer here to notice when I'm setting them.)

I'm sure I've been proving my strength in many ways ever since. I am certainly strong in many ways, but feeling the need to prove anything is generally destructive. That's definitely something to explore more another time.

Oh Childhood, you are the perpetual grist for my mill.

That's all a really big revelation for me. I didn't see the connections before. It's good to see things more fully. It's a relief, actually. I feel so much more compassion for what I've been dealing with.

I Just Don't Care (as much) Anymore

The thing that feels fundamentally different is I no longer care as much what others think of me. (I still do... just not as much. Huge progress!)

It bothers me much less if they hold all kinds of judgements about me, throw negative vibes in my direction, hold wrong ideas about me or whatever. Not that people spend that much time thinking about me, but, you know... when they do and I'm pretty sure it's negative or judge-y, it has felt scary to me on some basic level. Which, considering the roots of this stuff, now makes so much more sense to me.

Since I'm not feeling as unsafe as I was before, some of these harder lines I've drawn are feeling awfully tight and close. I feel suffocated by them.

I find myself thinking... so what if they harbor all manner of nastiness and wrongness toward me? Seriously... SO WHAT?

I suddenly just don't care enough about whatever the outcome of all that might be to stay behind those "safe" walls I've made anymore. It's not really all that scary at this point. I know I can't control what other people think, and the difference today is I don't even want to as much. I'm safe enough without that.

Do I want to experience people's negative ideas of me? Nope, not a bit. I assure you!

But I just don't feel as controlled by that anymore. It doesn't concern me as much. I don't want to be kept small by that.

I don't want to live in a land of interior boxes made of fences that became huge walls that keep me confined in my progressively smaller boxes of fear and protection.

For sure, something has really shifted and there's been a huge healing within me, because I am ready to relax my need for so many hard, protective lines to support my sense of safety in the world. I'm excited to see where this leads! The fresh air around this is already exhilarating.

Sincerest thanks to Jo Dunning for the healing energy and support that helped move me in this direction.

So, this turned into a self-therapy / processing post in which I worked some things out on the virtual page. As an experiment, I'm going to go ahead and share it. For any of you who are Highly Sensitive or have also been negotiating any of the issues I've touched on here, I'd love to hear how you're navigating it all in your world.

Thanks for reading!

Orilea