Oronte('s) Rules (for Global Domination)

X4 La mort de Oronte

2016-04-21T16:35:00.001+02:00

The following is a transcript taken from security cameras over Masaryk Square:

EXT. MASARYK SQUARE, OSTRAVA. NIGHT.
Under a starry sky in the dead of night Masaryk Square is well lit but deserted. A man of average height in a mask runs into the square, Oronte is just behind him carrying an umbrella. The masked man stops, turns around and places his hand threateningly on the hilt of a weapon sheathed in a sword belt.

ORONTE

Clearly your security is deficient: you wouldn't be in this situation if you hadn't trusted your now deactivated robots.

MASKED MAN

I don't understand. I was certain you, Oronte, died in the year 2013. I had no opposition from you and so I was able to take over the world quite easily.

ORONTE

Your assumption was your undoing and your complacency will now result in your ultimate destruction. Your evil empire is destroyed - no more robots to take jobs from humans. (Thinks a second) Wait, how did you know my real name?

MASKED MAN

I am surprised you do not recognise me. I was ruined - by you!

ORONTE

That's a lot of people, you'll have to be more specific Burning Man.

The Masked Man pulls off his mask and Oronte is shocked.

ORONTE (CONT'D)

You!

MASKED MAN

ORONTE

You!

MASKED MAN

ORONTE

You!

MASKED MAN

Me... um... I. I escaped my house arrest, translated my name to English and MacDonalds, KFC, et al didn't get a cent from me.

ORONTE

L'Homme Brule you have done well to get to this point, I will freely admit I am impressed that a dimwit like you could think of such a plan, let alone enact it, but now you must be destroyed.

L'HOMME BRULE

I will not - no Oronte, my arch-enemy, it is...

ORONTE

Woah, you're no arch-enemy of mine, merely a slight nuisance and even that's overselling it.

L'HOMME BRULE

I respected you once. I will kill you now.

L'Homme Brule removes a rapier from its sheath. Oronte starts laughing uncontrollably at the sight of the weapon. L'Homme Brule lunges forward and attempts to strike Oronte, who deftly sidesteps the attack. Oronte pulls the handle away from the umbrella to reveal a broadsword. A furious battle ensues: Oronte lunges at L'Homme Brule and he parries. L'Homme Brule slopes and then retreats, Oronte appears to have the advantage and advances wielding his sword.

ORONTE

You're a dead man.

L'HOMME BRULE

(reaching into his coat pocket)

I am not - I am L'Homme Brule.

Without warning L'Homme Brule removes a small gun from his coat, squeezes the trigger and shoots Oronte in the chest. Time slows down. Oronte's mouth is open and his eyes stare into L'Homme Brule's in shock. Oronte looks down and sees a dark stain colour his shirt. The plague column at the centre of the square is the last thing he sees.

L'HOMME BRULE (CONT'D)

I bid you adieu my arch-enemy. I find...

ORONTE

(gasps)

Not. Your. Arch. Enemy.

L'Homme Brule shoots him in the head. He rolls his eyes and walks off. Oronte dies minutes later. Paramedics and police arrive shortly thereafter, and he is confirmed to be dead.

THE END.

X3 Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated

2016-01-17T23:10:00.001+02:00

Do not fear valued global citizens, I am not dead.

I have been in hiding, preparing for the attack on Société Incendiaire that has already begun. At 05h59 this morning my minions unleashed a coordinated attack against Société Incendiaire's servers in Paris, Reykjavik and Cape Town. They went down for exactly two minutes, in that time we reprogrammed their line of Automat Brûlant 5.5 robots to sabotage the production of Automat Brûlant 5.6.

The damage should be permanent, once the robots have destroyed their successors, they will turn on Société Incendiaire factories and bring this corporation to its knees. News reports are already confirming the great success of my plan.

Some may question my motives - why would I want to destroy an evil corporation hell bent on global domination? Have I suddenly developed a conscience? Am I trying to preserve the world for future generations? My long time readers will know this is untrue. I did attempt to take over the corporation from the inside, but I had none of my usual resources in 2036. I had left Minion Holland Brown in charge of the Oronte Corporation, but it had fallen apart in mere months...

I think a little explanation may be in order: as you may remember, valued global citizens, I had planned to travel back in time to meet myself and take over the world. Alas, Minion Brown's machine instead flung me many years into the future, the year 2035 to be exact. Here I found that supervillainy is the province of a single corporation, run by an enigmatic leader known only as 'The Burning Man'. As I could not take over his corporation from the inside, I've decided it must be destroyed to clear the way for my own evil plans.

For reasons beyond my understanding the press has decided I am some kind of hero and has referred to me as 'Le Extincteur'. This annoyed me at first, but the name became a clarion call to individuals who felt disenfranchised by this corporation. The enemy of my enemy is surely my friend. Hackers across the globe joined my cause and soon Société Incendiaire will be destroyed.

There is only one mystery that must still be solved: who is The Burning Man? Why would he, if indeed it is really a man, want to put the people of the world out of work and replace them with robots? It isn't a bad plan, I admit, but I don't like loose ends. One of the hackers believes he has discovered the location of The Burning Man, I will get on a plane this afternoon to confront him and learn his secrets...

(C) Trisan Reddy. 2015.

X2 Société Incendiaire is saddened to note the passing of 'Le Extincteur'

2015-02-23T22:38:00.002+02:00

We at Société Incendiaire were deeply disturbed to discover that a team of highly-paid assassins were dispatched at 01h04 on the 22nd of February to brutally torture and murder the terrorist known as 'Le Extincteur'. It's true that we were not his greatest fans. He has destroyed over eight factories across the world, each one providing employment and producing technological products that have made your lives better. He began the single largest uprising in world history when he convinced our blameless employees in Indonesia to down tools and strike against our generous salary packages and full-time daycare facilities.

Despite his actions, which qualify as reckless at best and an attack on everything our global society holds dear at worst: terrorism, we, nonetheless, would like to take this opportunity to offer our condolences to his friends and family. We assume he has some, but an unhinged person such as him must surely have lost the company of all good and moral citizens.

We are only able to infer the details of his untimely demise:
We believe he was working on a computer at the time.
We guess that there was probably a hint of blueberries in the air.
We assume he wore a grey overcoat to fend of the unyielding coldness of his miniscule underground lair.
We hypothesize he screamed... a lot... as he was tortured.
We imagine he begged for his life.
We postulate his death, when it finally came, was an altogether merciful affair.
We suppose that his blood still stains the streets of Abuja.

And we are quite certain that no one will take up his foolish quest to besmirch the good reputation of our indispensable corporation.

We'd like to take a moment to note that the production of Automat Brûlant 5.6 has only been delayed by a week. We are on track to meet the tremendous demand for our new line of super robots. We'd also like to gently remind you that we have created and own every piece of technology you use everyday. 'Le Extincteur' was a terrorist and should be widely acknowledged as such. Anyone who believes otherwise may find their lives becoming increasingly difficult.

As always we are Société Incendiaire - The Light In The Darkness.

(C) Trisan Reddy. 2015.

X1 A Hero Rises

2015-01-03T19:51:00.004+02:00

Tracking instrumentation on Constitution Avenue clocked his vehicle's speed at 304 km/h. He sped away from the scene just minutes before the Société Incendiaire factory exploded. The usual twenty-four-hour production schedule had been halted on the previous day due to a bomb threat and no one is believed to have been killed in the explosion.

Reports of his appearance vary and are inconsistent. We know virtually nothing about him, except that a man of unknown origin has been seen now after three separate explosions always driving a white Le Feu Incendiare. The press has taken to calling him 'Le Extincteur'. His attacks seem to be targeting Société Incendiaire-owned buildings. Speculation is also rife that he may have been behind the recent employee uprising in Indonesia.

The Abujan factory targeted in this latest attack was responsible for refining tantalite, a mineral used in the production of a number of Société Incendiaire's electronic products, including their upcoming Automat Brûlant 5.6 line of robots. President Ada Aruna has condemned the attacks and reiterated Nigeria's commitment to eliminating terrorism.

But the nature of the attacks does not suggest terrorism.
Geopolitical instability? No.
Corporate warfare? Unlikely.
A personal vendetta? Perhaps.

Currently, he is believed to be an ex-Société Incendiaire employee who had enough of their generous salaries and limitless fringe benefits. It's true that Société Incendiaire has in some ways made the world a better place, but as the only technology company left in the world, their absolute monopoly has been questioned by many. The Automat Brûlant 5.6 is likely to eliminate many more human jobs and with global unemployment expected to top 80% in 2036, can this lone rebel be vilified?

For too long the masses have been crying out for a hero to fight a system that privileges the few and disenfranchises the many. But how long can a lone figure stand against the might of a corporate behemoth like Société Incendiaire? I urge all those reading this, whether they be unemployed and poverty stricken or successfully employed (for now), to rise up and support Le Extincteur. Together we shall prevail.

048 You can blame Doctor Who (but you probably won't remember this anyway so blame is irrelevant)

2014-02-19T16:12:00.000+02:00

My time machine is considerably more complicated.
Source: http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Doctor_Who_Experience_(8105520673).jpg

Minion Brown's time travel machine is ready, it has been tested many times and a large number of minions have perished in the process. I would list their names here, but no one took them down, nonetheless, their sacrifice was not in vain. I have been led to believe that there will be a lovely mass cremation. I, unfortunately, will miss it (and none of it will have happened anyway): in the next few minutes I will be stepping through the time machine and travelling back in time.

It all started several years ago when I was channel hopping (supervillany at most takes up 70% of my time) and I came across this rather interesting programme, Doctor Who. It was about a man (who apparently isn't a real doctor) who travels across space and time and goes around (mostly helping) people. As a supervillain of means it gave me the idea of doing the same, except I wouldn't be helping other people.

Yes, I have had some ideas that critics might call 'farfetched', 'eccentric' or even 'deranged', but this one is not only practical, it just might be the big one. As you well know, valued global citizens, my goal has always been global domination and despite my successes, I don't quite rule the world just yet.

As you won't remember any of this here is my plan:

Travel back in time to an important event in my past.
Meet myself.
Work with myself to achieve what I couldn't do alone back then, but can do if I have myself to assist me.
Dominate the world.
Kill the old me when his function is complete, he'll never see it coming. There can only be one ruler of Earth and I've been through more than me (him).

You see, it's rather a simple plan. You understand though, valued global citizens, that I only share this information with you because there is no chance that you will remember it. Once I alter the timeline, none of this will have happened. There simply will always have been two mes (old me and new me) and how the second one appeared will be a mystery. Currently I'm leaning on long lost, slightly handsomer twin brother.

It is time. Minion Holland Brown has provided me with a method to communicate with you across time, so I shall continue blogging my experiences in the past to you today. I will see you again, valued global citizens, in the past, where I will talk to the future, which is, of course, your present.

Time to change the world.

(C) 2014. Trisan Reddy

047 The Final Piece

2014-02-02T22:19:00.002+02:00

"Once more unto the breach, dear friends, once more;
Or close the wall up with our English dead" Shakespeare.

Personally I don't care who dies (though they might be English), as long as I get what I want. We once again find ourselves trekking across the planet in search of obscure scientific equipment. The University of Cambridge appears to be one of the top universities in the world for physics education and so it stands to reason is well stocked for my purposes.

It has been some time since I last spoke to you valued global citizens, but don't think I have been idle all this time, on holiday, which is an altogether pointless activity, what can possibly gained from relaxation?
Certainly not power.
Not wealth.
Not infamy.

No. I have been busy 'sourcing' the equipment Holland Brown requires for the time machine. Yes, it is quite real. You will remember that Willa Wanadoo accidentally witnessed one of Minion Brown's earlier experiments. Which resulted in the problem of her split memory. This is one of the problems Minion Brown is attempting to solve with the equipment we've thus far 'procured'. And he is close valued global citizens, very close indeed.

"You have everything... Is everyone clear? Minion who? Well he will learn a valuable lesson in being on time... No, but I suppose it will serve him in his next life."
Excuse me a moment valued global citizens...

I have been a supervillain for some time now, but there is nothing so satisfying as hearing a thunderous 'BOOM' and watching a building being demolished. What? I couldn't leave behind any trace that I was here. Oh, we could have cut the security feeds and wiped down our prints, planted evidence that made it look like some shadowy Chinese government organisation was behind it - but the explosion is so much more satisfying. I believe Cambridge has just dropped several points in the university rankings.

And with that we have the final piece of the time machine. Minion Brown will perform the final tests and then my masterplan will begin. I know you're as excited as I am valued global citizens. Soon I shall rule over you all.

(C) Trisan Reddy. 2014.

046b Willa Wanadoo Part 2

2013-11-15T13:30:00.001+02:00

The following is taken from Willa Wanadoo's personal notes. Her shorthand has been translated because no one could possibly read it (this is the reason for a number of inaccurate quotes in her many stories). This second article has yet to be published (and probably never will be).

Willa Wanadoo
Well after that revelation, you know what my next question will be?

Oronte
No.

Willa Wanadoo
Why time travel?

Oronte
Because we can.
Because it is necessary.
Because the world needs it.

Willa Wanadoo
So you plan on revealing the secret to time travel to the world? Contributing this secret to the collective knowledge of humanity, for the greater good?

Oronte
Oh dear no. It will remain a secret.

Willa Wanadoo
But you just said...

Oronte
The world needs what I will do with time travel and how I will alter the course of human events.

Willa Wanadoo
How will you alter the course of human events?

Oronte
You will note, Willa Wanadoo, that while I have experienced some success as an international supervillain: I was president of Swaziland for a year, I earned [even I admit to using that word lightly] a fortune off the the economic disaster in Europe, and how can we forget the time I annexed a part of Antarctica? But all of these successes could have been much bigger. Can you imagine what I could do with foreknowledge of what will happen before it happens?

Willa Wanadoo
No. Yes. That's terrifying. You can actually do this? It can be done?

Oronte
Almost, you've already experienced one of the main problems: if people see the past and future versions of the same person (or bunny) it tends to ruin their brains - it seems the brain can't process this paradox.

Willa Wanadoo
So if I understand, and I probably don't, if you went back in time and met yourself, you might... break everyone's brains? That's exciting and scary.

Oronte
Well it will only be minions who witness that, no one will notice if most of them are (further) brain damaged. But Minion Holland is still unsure of what would happen to my own brain if I meet myself. The intensity of his experimentation has increased over the last few weeks, but he needs more equipment to complete his work.

Willa Wanadoo
Hence the recent daring raid on CERN?

Oronte
Correct.

Willa Wanadoo
I have only one question?

Oronte
Yes?

Willa Wanadoo
This might be the greatest story of all time and I want to be here for it. Can I join you?

Oronte
I thought you would say that - welcome aboard Minion Wanadoo. I have prepared a contract for you to sign. Don't bother reading it, you won't be able to join without agreeing to all its conditions.

Willa Wanadoo
Thank you, honestly, this is going to be so great, I feel like I'm using you.

Oronte
I would certainly agree that someone is being used.

(C) 2013. Trisan Reddy.

046a Willa Wanadoo Part 1

2013-11-03T23:19:00.000+02:00

Willa Wanadoo

Thank you for finally speaking to me, will you finally reveal your masterplan to me and explain why you've taken me prisoner?

Oronte

Yes and you're free to go at any time.

Willa Wanadoo

Can I leave now?

Oronte

No.

Willa Wanadoo

But you will reveal your masterplan - now, as in right this minute and not next week?

Oronte

Yes.

Willa Wanadoo

You aren't going to be laconic, as you were in your last interview, are you?

Oronte

No.

Willa Wanadoo

I appreciate your candour.

Oronte

Willa Wanadoo

Let's start with the 13th of May 2013, the day I filed my last story - what was to be a multipart series on Oronte Education and your adventures as a school teacher.

Oronte

Willa Wanadoo

After filing my report, I went for an innocent walk around the Swazi Royal Palace, when accidentally, through no fault of my own, I discovered an underground lab in which celebrated scientist Holland Brown was performing an experiment.

Oronte

Willa Wanadoo

What I saw confused and shocked me.

Oronte

Willa Wanadoo

It seemed like I saw a white rabbit wearing a top hat hop off a pedestal, bewildered, while another similar looking rabbit, also with a top hat, sat on a pedestal two metres away. A minute later the rabbit sitting two metres away disappeared. But my recollection of events is fuzzy, sometimes I remember there only being one rabbit and it disappearing, but at other times there were two of them.

Oronte

Willa Wanadoo

You promised you wouldn't be laconic.

Oronte

I did, you haven't asked a question yet.

Willa Wanadoo

What happened? Was what I saw real?

Oronte

A few months ago I would have said that you'd probably been drugged and dreamed up the whole thing like some sort of fairy tale character. But today, in the spirit of candour, I can reveal that it was real.

Willa Wanadoo

Which version?

Oronte

Both.

Willa Wanadoo

Oronte

It's a technical problem You remember the first version of reality in which there was only one rabbit and it disappeared, but you also remember the second version of reality in which the rabbit appeared and then saw itself disappear. There's only a small chance the paradox may rupture your cerebrum resulting in instant death. I wouldn't dwell on what happened if I were you.

Willa Wanadoo

Wait, were they the same rabbit?

Oronte

Yes.

Willa Wanadoo

But that means, I have no idea what that means. Wait, did that rabbit... did that rabbit travel back in time?

Oronte

Yes.

Willa Wanadoo

That’s not possible.

Oronte

And yet you witnessed it.

Willa Wanadoo

I’m going to need a minute. I accidentally stumbled on a secret lab and I saw a white rabbit in a top hat travel through time. I feel just like...

Oronte

Wait, isn't that property trademarked by Disney?

Willa Wanadoo

No, it's out of copyright, anyone can download it for free.

Oronte

Best you don't say it anyway, don't want to strain the already weak metaphor.

But this rabbit doesn't even wear a top hat.
http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3AAlice-white-rabbit.jpg

045 Burglary

2013-10-28T23:23:00.001+02:00

Night approaches and I wait with her just beyond the perimeter of the facility, she's gagged, mostly because she won't stop talking. The security feed has been hacked and runs on a loop - Minion Ardalion's work. Unfortunately, this operation isn't quite as simple as altering international treaties, burglary is altogether much harder.

CERN is much bigger than the Antarctic Treaty Secretariat Headquarters (which was just a small office in Buenos Aires)
http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File%3ACERN_Aerial_View.jpg

Former Anonymous hacker Minion Ardalion is not alone, I have sent him along with a small contingent of lesser minions (mostly to carry the heavy stuff) and someone without whom this mission could not work - Minion Holland Brown. Minion Holland is by no means ready for or even capable of fieldwork, but no one else understands how the Large Hadron Collider works.

I must admit, valued global citizens, that I have not been out in the field for some time and the whole process has left me quite breathless: the thrill of adventure, the constant risk of being caught, the anticipation of success, and I'd like to think I'm standing in the droppings from a deer (though I know it's probably a cow).

Someone is approaching, I think it might be a security guard, I had better drop to the gr... oh right, the droppings... maybe it's better if I'm caught. I've gotten out of worse situations. I'll just be very. very. still.

"Sir, sir, it's us. We've got it."
"All of it?"
"Most of it."
"Let's return to the transport vehicle, I shall berate you there. Someone bring her along too."

You see my shopping trip to CERN wasn't enough, as with any good store, they keep all the best stuff in the back (or in this case underground around a 27-km long tunnel). You do understand why I need it all?
"No, I still don't understand why you need me?"
It's quite simple Willa Wanadoo, but I'm afraid we have to knock you out right now, you can't know the location of my lair, we shall talk soon.

As you may have surmised, valued global citizens, Willa Wanadoo is not dead at all. I could tell you why I've kept her alive and I could tell you why I need parts of the LHC (coincidentally that may be out of commission for a few months), but I won't.

(C) 2013. Trisan Reddy.

044 Leaving Swaziland

2013-10-11T17:03:00.000+02:00

It has been a long journey – from my bloodless coup on the 28th of October to nearly a year later. I have weighed up the options and decided that I’ve done all I can do as President of Swaziland, continuing on this course will not further my plans for global domination. So I decided to lose the election, some will claim that I was losing anyway , but I could have won, I chose not to.

The Oronte Corporation will continue to function in Swaziland making amazing products from Swazi sugar - muffins, chewable sweets, coconut flavoured chocolate bars and antimatter weapons. I will also maintain a lair somewhere in the country (for obvious reasons I must keep it secret, also it wouldn't be a lair if I told everyone where it was ).

I have witnessed an outpouring of support and I am deeply gratified by it. Fear not, valued global citizens, I have many plans already under way. Inspired by some recent emails I've received from the 'World Bank' regarding personal loan financing, I've decided to start my own email and social media-based schemes. Thanks to a recent agreement between Oronte Education and the Swazi education department, I already have an army of trained 'promotional email' senders. I currently have three planned schemes:

Your Alsatian [insert name here] may already be dead...
if you don't make a 'donation' to my 'animal shelter'.

Your [husband/wife] [insert name here] will die from food poisoning...
unless you purchase at least 15 items from your local Oronte's Food-2-Go in the next two days.

An antimatter bomb will fall on your neighborhood...
unless you invest in Oronte Properties latest venture.

I'm not too sure about the last one, as it may tarnish the good brand image that antimatter weapons have. Fear not, valued global citizens, these are merely threats that I probably won't enforce (though I've never like Alsatians, they look too much like wolves for my liking).

And then there's the thing that thing Holland Brown is working on, more about that soon.

(C) 2013. Trisan Reddy.

044a A Message From The President Of Swaziland

2013-09-25T12:15:00.000+02:00

I would like to thank my supporters – the ordinary Swazi people who have voted for me. It is the greatest and highest honour in the land to serve as your new president. After years of ‘monarchical democracy’ and then our interim president, who I must thank for all his hard work, we can finally say that we have a democratically elected leader!

As your president I can guarantee that I will fulfil all of my election promises – the Swazi Television Authority will broadcast better programming. And if we achieve that goal, then I can truly say I have delivered on my election promises. On the economic front I will continue the gains made by Oronte: we will continue our antimatter bomb sale (10% off for countries who pre-order before production of the next batch in May 2014), the key ingredient of which is our own home-grown Swazi sugar.

I am aware I have big shoes to fill, and I am proud to announce that Oronte’s peace summit will become an annual event. I promise world leaders that none of them will be locked up in the future, though we promise a no less extravagant banquet next year – though we shall expect a significant ‘tip’. I promise to use my skills as a petrol attendant and reality game show host to make this nation better!

Finally, many of you may be wondering what has happened to our former president Oronte. He will continue to earn a small percentage from the sale of every antimatter bomb, as it was his idea and his staff will continue to oversee the production process. He maintains a residence in Swaziland and is free to return as he pleases, assured that we will welcome him warmly every time he does.

I am looking for your suggestions and so I have placed ‘Soloman’s Pump’ at every petrol station, you can insert your best ideas into a Soloman’s Pump near you and I’ll be discussing each of them on my new show on the Swazi Television Authority, also called ‘Soloman’s Pump’.

Soloman's Pumps are everywhere!

We have a great deal of work ahead of us in the next few years – and I look forward to working with you, my fellow Swazi’s to improve our gains.

President Soloman Dlamini.

043 To Rig Or Not To Rig

2013-09-04T16:23:00.001+02:00

The following is a transcript based on security footage of Oronte's office in the Swazi Royal Palace:

Int. Day. Oronte's Office In The Royal Palace.

Oronte pacing back and forth while his campaign manager John Forrester looks increasingly worried.

ORONTE

What do you mean I'm not in a good position? I thought this election was mine?

JOHN FORRESTER

We didn't expect that your competitors would be... we didn't expect you would have any competitors.

ORONTE

So when you told me you could guarantee me the election...

JOHN FORRESTER

I was being honest, as long as no one went up against you, you would definitely have won.

ORONTE

Well I can't be that far behind, the election is only in a few days, surely I can catch up?

JOHN FORRESTER

Dr. Nolwazi Msane has 10% of the vote, actor Richard E. Grant has 15%, you have a healthy 25% yourself.

ORONTE

That doesn't sound too bad, so the other 50% is undecided?

JOHN FORRESTER

They're only undecided in that they've decided to support Soloman Dlamini.

ORONTE

The petrol attendant!

JOHN FORRESTER

The everyman profile is really appealing, also people really want better programming on the Swazi Television Authority.

ORONTE

What does he know about running a nation or economics or managing international relations?

JOHN FORRESTER

Nothing, but since when was that a requirement to rule a country? Jacob Zuma became president of South Africa without completing high school. Mr Dlamini at least has a reality show to his name.

ORONTE

True. I guess I will have to accept the will of the Swazi people. I can't say that I'm not disappointed.

JOHN FORRESTER

I maintain that I didn't lie when I said I could guarantee you the election sir.

ORONTE

Rig the election?

JOHN FORRESTER

Not that I'm suggesting you do that or be involved in any way, in fact you didn't hear me say that it would be quite easy to stuff the ballot boxes while they would be in transit to the counting centres.

Oronte sits back on his chair. He thinks about it for a few minutes. He almost says something, but stops short. Finally he speaks.

ORONTE

No.

Oronte is silent for a minute.

ORONTE

I promised the Swazis a free and fair election and after all they've been through, they deserve to forge their own destinies. I won't stand in their way.

John Forrester is visibly shocked.

JOHN FORRESTER

I understand sir. (He smiles) You pretend to be an evil supervillain, but really you're a nice guy. Oh I heard the rumours and I've read your blog, but you're not as bad as everyone makes you out to be. Tales of you feeding minions to crocodiles, falsely imprisoning your enemies, extorting money from global superpowers - I knew it was all untrue.

ORONTE

Minion John, move about 50cm to your right please.

JOHN FORRESTER

Of course, why?

John Forrester moves 50cm to his right and smiles, unaware of Oronte pressing a button beneath his desk.

ORONTE

Actually one of those tales is true.

JOHN FORRESTER

Which o...

John Forrester disappears down a trap door never to be seen again.

ORONTE

The one about... wait all of them.

042 How to win an election

2013-08-25T23:14:00.000+02:00

Well valued global citizens, as you might have guessed the election day for the Swazi election has been delayed.

I must congratulate Robert Mugabe, his supervillany is well beyond anything I might dream off. He's been in office since 1980 and president since 1987. It could be that the Zimbabwean people truly do love him - which would be a great achievement indeed, or he's been rigging elections for years - and since no one has actually caught him doing it, that would be an even greater achievement. He is truly a reminder to us all that supervillany has no limits and no age restrictions either. I can only hope that I will be as successful when I'm 89.

You will be happy to know that Beyonce and that guy from Maroon 5 completed my single and it was released to much acclaim. It's currently no.4 on itunes Swaziland (but as there are only 100 users I'm not sure how representative that figure is), but it has had plenty of airplay on Radio Swaziland which has no internet presence, but it is listened to by many tens of thousands of Swazis. Whether it will make a difference, time will tell. But I'm not leaving my political future up to pop music stars. I have three competitors and I'm sure they're working hard campaigning, going door to door, kissing babies and making undeliverable promises.

One of the many lessons I've learnt from Robert Mugabe is that controlling the media is critical to keeping the populace ignorant of what's really happening. Yes, it's nearly impossible to control the media, but happily most Zimbabweans can't afford internet service and the same is true for Swazis. Now, I certainly wouldn't want to willfully deceive the Swazi public, merely marginally misguide them. To that end I've taken out a number of ads on Radio Swaziland and the Swazi Television Authority. They speak of my great accomplishments thus far and my promises for the future, which in the spirit of all politicians across the world, I fully intend to keep right up until the moment I don't.

Fear not, valued global citizens, I plan to win this one, and with the election almost upon on us, I'm confident I can do so. It just so happens that the Swazi Television Authority has decided (with no pressure from me whatsoever) to cover the live speech I'm going to make to their cameras in my office. What luck, you will excuse me valued global citizens.

(C) 2013. Trisan Reddy.

042a A dossier concerning the competition

2013-08-14T23:28:00.003+02:00

Extracts from a document presented to Oronte regarding the competition he faces in the upcoming Swazi election:

There are three candidates running against Oronte:

Soloman Dlamini (The Everyman) - Formerly a petrol service attendant, he became a regular go to figure for the media, the World News Service used him as a source for several articles. He turned his 15 minutes of fame into a hosting job at a reality show on the Swazi Television Authority, 'Fill Her Up!' in which contestants had to perform the tasks of a petrol service attendant. The contestant who performed the week's tasks the best would receive a tip (of 1 USD) and the contestant who received no tip would be sent packing. The winner would receive a 5 year contract as a petrol service attendant. In the live finale Soloman denounced both the poor quality and low budgets of the Swazi Television Authority's programming and the high unemployment rate in Swaziland. Both criticisms were well received and he managed to build this into a cohesive platform for an election campaign.

The official title screen for Fill Her Up! produced by the Swazi Television Authority.

Dr. Nolwazi Msane (The Intellectual) - A political science lecturer at the University of Swaziland. She would be the first woman to rule Swaziland and to build support she has run a family values campaign. This has been particularly easy for her because she doesn't have a family to get in the way of her campaigning and will prove to be fierce competition. We have uncovered some information that may be used to ruin her - one of her postgraduate students believes he has seen her in her previous occupation: an exotic dancer at the Sugarland Gentleman's Club. We are ready to leak this information and have obtained a picture from the club's owner.

Richard E. Grant (The Wildcard) - Britsh actor Richard E. Grant was in fact born in Swaziland and has visited several times. Known for playing Dr. Seward in 1992's Bram Stoker's Dracula, The Great Intelligence/Doctor Simeon in Doctor Who, and perhaps most memorably for his voice acting in the cinematic masterpiece Garfield: A Tale Of Two Kitties in the critical role of Preston. Clearly his massive success as an actor was not enough for him as he recently threw his hat into the ring to become Swaziland's next president. We believe he only found out about the election through Oronte's blog. So far his campaign has focussed on his celebrity and he has already released his birth certificate to the public to prove that he was born in Swaziland.

All three opponents could pose a serious threat to Oronte's continued reign as Swaziland's first president. We believe that they should all be crushed as quickly as possible.

John Forrester
Oronte Campaign Manager

© 2013. Trisan Reddy.

041 A musical collaboration between Beyonce and that guy from Maroon 5

2013-07-17T23:10:00.004+02:00

Well it's just as well I'm producing this song, if I left it to the two of you, it would surely end in disaster.
No Maroon 5 guy being on a reality show does not mean you know how to produce a song.
I'm sure you have a name, but no one knows what it is, do they?
Your mother doesn't count.
You'll be credited on this song as Beyonce and the guy from Maroon 5 and that's more than you deserve. Now take it from the top.

You will excuse my busyness valued global citizens, with no intervention from myself famous R&B artist Beyonce and that guy from pop band Maroon 5 have collaborated to create an anthemic new song for my election campaign - Oronte For President... ...Again. The song speaks in loud, high notes...

Higher, higher - you performed well enough for the president of the United States Beyonce, I heard you, you can go higher.
It doesn't matter if you lose your voice for a while, it will all be worth it for the people of Swaziland, you are here for them aren't you?
You're here because you hope to see your father alive again?
I can't imagine what would make you think your performance of my theme song is linked to his continued survival, but if I were you I would go two more octaves up on the off chance that it is.

... about freedom and democracy and change in Swaziland. It will be available to download at all good online music stores if I ever get it produced. I must admit that I've always wanted my own theme song. I understand that music does inspire people, it hasn't inspired me personally, but people do love a good national anthem and I hear some people even pay large sums of money to go to events where they can watch musicians perform. I certainly wouldn't pay for it (I'm not paying for this now), but it could be a scheme for the future.

That was better. Now I'm going to give you both five minutes for lunch - it's the traditional Swazi dish of Sishwala - it's a lovely thick sort of porridge and some possibly clean water from a nearby river - is it safe or isn't it?
We'll find out when you've both had a drink.
No Maroon 5 guy, I don't know where your girlfriend is, but if you ever want to make her your fiancee or for that matter see her alive again I know that when we get back you'll give this song more passion than you reserve for your reality show - which is to say more than nothing at all.

I must go valued global citizens, pop stars are ever so tiresome with their demands for clean drinking water and food - you'd think the meal they had 14 hours ago would suffice? But no, they will whine about it - tens of thousands of Swazis have managed with less for decades. Pop stars, honestly.

© 2013. Trisan Reddy.

040 Not The Dead Poet's Society, not even a little

2013-06-18T22:42:00.000+02:00

I am loathe to admit my failures, there have been a few (though I could always blame those on brainless or useless minions), but today I have to admit that I am not cut out for teaching. The Oronte Education plan goes on though, just without me teaching any of it. Already tens of thousands of Swazi children have laptops and are sending 'promotional mails' out to the email accounts of people around the world.

In truth a small part of me wanted to be a successful teacher - beloved by young people, an inspiration to them, a beacon of shining light in the darkness that is being a youth in modern society - I assume it's dark because all the children I met seemed deeply disturbed and fairly evil (which is bothersome because they have their entire lives to be corrupted by society's deeply insidious influence). I had such dreams for my students, alas, I am not Hilary Swank in Freedom Writers, Michelle Pfeiffer in Dangerous Minds, Robin Williams in The Dead Poets Society, or any of the other inspiring movies in which a flawed, but hopeful, teacher inspires a group of socially awkward gangsters who form the worst class in their school which is in itself severely under-resourced and in the bad part of the city.

I'm really beginning to think that Hollywood movies are in no way accurate depictions of reality, but what other motive could film-makers possibly have to make films other than for the good of society? I also find myself questioning Oprah's claim that she would have been a teacher if she weren't a wildly successful talk show host. Really Oprah, really? She surely could have become a teacher at any time, or even now, but she hasn't. I think that was just one of those statements meant to inspire other people, but not something she, herself would do. And in an odd way that makes me feel better.

I shall remember my several hours as a teacher fondly. Even though they didn't listen to me or actually learn anything, I am certain I made a difference in my students' lives. Perhaps years from now one of them will remember my name, Google me, and be inspired to follow in my footsteps. Perhaps one of them already has.

But I cannot wallow valued global citizens, I have more pressing concerns. When I took office I did assure the people of Swaziland that I would hold democratic, free and fair elections. In a decision that I arrived at entirely by myself and with no pressure from anyone - I have set the date for the election - the 20th of July. And so my minions and I begin one of our most exciting ventures yet - Oronte For President... ...Again.

039 Oronte's Adventures In Education - A multi-part series by Willa Wanadoo

2013-06-03T22:32:00.002+02:00

Charismatic is one of only 10 adjectives I'm allowed to use to describe him (and him is one of the others). I can't take any pictures of him either, in fact I'm told his appearance is a deception. But, as my loyal readers know, I love a challenge and following Oronte as he teaches the children of Swaziland may be my greatest challange yet. Join me, Willa Wanadoo for Oronte's Adventures In Education - A multi-part series.
by Willa Wanadoo
International Correspondent for the World News Service.
Published 16h00, 13 May 2013.

I managed to speak to Oronte in the morning, as his first day of teaching began. I never imagined that he would was an optimistic man, but to my surprise, that is precisely what I found. He believed that teaching was merely the beginning, though he would not tell me what of. Nor did he fully explain what he hoped to gain from the process, but he assured me that it was not merely a public relations scheme. He was really there to teach. Well that was his demeanour in the morning. I, for one, believed him, if for no other reason than I had already committed to a month-long series of articles about his experiences.

"Mr Oronte are you going to be our teacher forever?"
"Mr Oronte why do you speak funny?"
"Mr Oronte can I talk to my friend, I'll only whisper?"
"Mr Oronte can I eat my lunch now?"

By 10:00, he was already visibly ruffled. One of the children had refused to listen to him and run around the class, Oronte gave chase, but wasn't in the best shape. I took pictures, but it seems everything on my camera was mysteriously deleted. The children quickly learned that if one of them could get away with not listening, they all probably could.

"Mr Oronte is maths really important?"
"Mr Oronte when are we going to have elections?" (I might have planted that one)
"Mr Oronte can I visit my friend, she's only in the next classroom?"
"Mr Oronte you look tired, can I teach?"

By 13:00, it was clear that Oronte was only just hanging on. Said 10-year-old Sarah, "He's a very nice teacher, he let's us do whatever we want, but I don't know if he's very good at teaching."
At 14:25 (the Swazi school day ends at 14:30) Oronte tendered his resignation to the principle. And that, dear readers, appears to be the end of my special series on Oronte's Adventures In Education. I trust, loyal readers, that you don't feel too cheated. It was clear to me once in the classroom that Oronte wasn't going to make it. I am waiting for my request for an exit interview to be granted. Rest assured, I have been travelling Swaziland and have discovered a rather interesting story in the Royal Palace regarding some peculiar scientific equipment which I shall report on in due course. You will hear from me soon, loyal readers.

Editors Note: This is the last story filed by Willa Wanadoo, she sent it using the mobile internet connection, proving that cellular networks really are improving. If anyone has seen or heard from her please contact the World News Service as soon as possible. We can't offer a reward, but we would certainly be interested to know what happened to her.

© 2013. Trisan Reddy.

039a An Interview with Oronte

2013-05-12T22:02:00.000+02:00

by Willa Wanadoo
International Correspondent for the World News Service.
Published 22h00, 12 May 2013.

The World News Service's own Willa Wanadoo is following Oronte as he begins his new position as a humble high school teacher. This interview was taken the day before he started.

Willa Wanadoo
Well Oronte...

Oronte
President Oronte.

Willa Wanadoo
My apologies. President Oronte.

Oronte
Let me take this opportunity to remind you that I will only answer 15 questions. You do understand the terms of this interview?

Willa Wanadoo
Yes.

Oronte
One.

Willa Wanadoo
Can you give us a sense of how you're feeling as you embark on this new phase of your life?

Oronte
Yes.

Willa Wanadoo
Would you like to give us more detail?

Oronte
Yes.

Willa Wanadoo
Could you do so now?

Oronte
I could.

Willa Wanadoo
Okay... Go ahead.

Oronte
Without revealing too much this is an exciting time.

Willa Wanadoo
And?

Oronte
That counts. Five. You want more detail?

Willa Wanadoo
That is how these things go, yes. Let me start you off, I spoke to one of your minions recently and he told me that you have been looking forward to teaching for some time?

Oronte
Which minion?

Willa Wanadoo
Is that relevant? Well I don't think I'm compromising my ethical code, it was Minion Zandile.

Oronte
I see. Yes, it is. I will have him dealt with.

Willa Wanadoo
No, no, we're getting off track. I wanted to... What do you mean you'll have him dealt with?

Oronte
Well the crocodiles beneath the Royal Palace have been going hungry recently...

Willa Wanadoo
You wouldn't? You're joking? You can't be serious?

Oronte
Eight, nine and ten. Maybe. Maybe. I'm usually quite serious.

Willa Wanadoo
Oh, I can see you're having me on.

Oronte
Eleven.

Willa Wanadoo
That doesn't count. That wasn't a question, it was a general comment.

Oronte
Are you asking or telling me?

Willa Wanadoo
Telling, telling. Let's get back on track, shall we?

Oronte
Eleven. If you insist.

Willa Wanadoo
Let me be clear with this one: What is your goal with this project and explain in 20 words or more?

Oronte
It has always been my goal to influence the minds of... people. I'm told that the minds of young people, in particular, are quite malleable.

Willa Wanadoo
So your goal is to influence the minds of young people and explain your answer?

Oronte
Yes. It would give me great pleasure to instruct young people in my... ways of thinking.

Willa Wanadoo
I've heard teaching can be quite difficult, are you prepared for a real classroom situation, and explain your answer?

Oronte
Yes. I may not have a degree in teaching, but then few of Swaziland's teachers currently do. It seems that the degree is merely an added advantage in this position. What counts is understanding young people and knowing how their minds work.

Willa Wanadoo
I feel cheated, may I please have at least five more questions?

Oronte
Fifteen. No.

© 2013. Trisan Reddy.

038 Breaking News - Oronte Announces New Education Initiative

2013-04-22T23:21:00.001+02:00

by Willa Wanadoo
International Correspondent for the World News Service.
Published 23h30, 22 April 2013.

Loyal readers of the World News Service are, of course, aware that we have been following the story of Oronte with great interest since he became the leader of Swaziland last year and then his successful peace conference. Well he's at it again readers and this time I get to be part of the story. Let me start at the beginning though:

Last week I received an invitation to a press conference in Swaziland. I, and a number of other respected journalists, where flown first-class to the small landlocked nation courtesy of Oronte. We were treated to the local cuisine and a tour of the facilities at which the new A-bombs are being built. That afternoon Oronte made the announcement, the second biggest since he took office in a bloodless coup.

Starting almost immediately the Swazi education system would be reformed - a greater focus would be placed on learning materials, the curricula, teachers and schools - and in a revolutionary change the entire improvement plan would not be funded by taxpayers, but the Oronte Corporation's new division, imaginatively titled 'Oronte Education'.

Every Swazi child is to have a laptop and internet access. According to Oronte, because it is their right, and they will almost immediately be trained in the use of the computers. It seems like the training will involve mailing 'promotional materials anonymously' to a wide cross-section of internet users, "A small price to pay for a free laptop," said Oronte at the press conference. I tend to agree, though there were some murmurs amongst my colleagues of 'spamming', but Oronte assured all present that internet users being mailed would only find items relevant to themselves in these 'promotional mails'.

But that was not the most interesting or dramatic item in the press conference: Oronte stated that he, himself would be part of the initiative and would immediately become a teacher, as he put it, "I've always been interested in educating people, and I don't hate children." To prove that his role as an educator was not simply an honorary one nor was it an elaborate PR scheme, he has offered exclusive access to the most well balanced and largest news organisation present - and you know who that proved to be loyal readers. Ignore the reports of other news organisations who claim that Oronte only offered the role to the organisation who would write the most positive story about him - these are falsehoods invented by the jealous and the petty. Willa Wanadoo and the WNS are as ethical as they come.

This reporter, for one, is rather impressed, and she admits to a little excitement. As always Willa Wanadoo is first with the real news. Starting tomorrow I'll be following Oronte around as he begins his journey as a teacher and I'll be documenting the entire adventure here (in a most ethical and honest fashion). Look for my first interview in the coming week.

© 2013. Trisan Reddy.

037 What Supervillains Spend Their Money On

2013-04-13T23:19:00.002+02:00

"Yes, that sounds exciting, I'll take two."

One of the most exciting parts of being a supervillain is that one generally has a lot of money and there are few, if any, limits on what one can own. As you know, I have had several secret lairs over the years, I've purchased a number of companies, and even countries.

"Absolutely, whatever he needs. Dangerous? I don't mind if it might blow up the plane on the way to Swaziland, I won't be in it."

Though, after all these years, it seems coffee machines have been one of the largest line items on my budget. It turns out all I needed was a good barista, hence I recently hired Minion Mariana from Brazil. As you might guess, she's already become my favourite minion.

"What do you mean you can't sell that to me? Fine, will another €150 million cover it? I thought so."

So, you might have been asking, "What do supervillains spend their money on?"
Boats?
Houses?
Companies?
No, I'm quite beyond that. Material things have no value to me: money is merely a means to an end for me. Money in itself is not power, but it can buy you power. And that's what I'm buying today. Not weapons, I can already produce the most dangerous weapon on Earth.

"He says he needs how many? Oh well, he knows what he's doing, get it for him. Yes, 200 if that's what he needs."

But how else can one pay for power? I've always been a firm believer in science. Minion Holland Brown exceeded all my previous expectations when he built the antimatter bomb and now he has promised me he is on the verge of a great breakthrough, but he needed some equipment first.

"What do you need an atom smasher for? No, there is no place for that in the Royal Palace, you'll just have to make do without it. Oh fine, but this better be worth it. It says 'some assembly required', I hope you know what you're doing."

I didn't care much for candy as a child, but I think the old cliché is quite apt now.

"Yes that's all. No, I would not like to fill out a comment card. But here, take my frequent flyer card, I'm definitely going to get a few points on this purchase."

Trisan Reddy. 2013. (C)

036 Secret Meeting #33 (a short one): How it all began

2013-04-04T17:02:00.002+02:00

"And so I've assembled you all here in Zurich to remind you how it all began. Because we cannot know where we are headed, if we don't know where we came from - I think Spiderman's uncle said that. I see you yawning Karolos Papoulias, but it is necessary, and since you were so instrumental in my... our plan, I thought you would be more proud. Yes, I thought so."

"It all started with the Olympic games and a curious bit of overspending..."

One hour later...

"And then, sadly, Ireland was in dire straits...."

One more hour later...

"And so we arrive at the problem of Cyprus..."

Half an hour later...

"Thus we conclude our final secret meeting for the quarter, I will meet with each of you as the need arises."

Well valued global citizens, now you know how I've obtained a (large) sum of money. Several investments over several years in a number of European economies and really Oronte Corporation is helping to rebuild Europe. And it's not like profiteering or fraud - China's doing it. And I've always felt that if China can find a moral justification for doing something then we can't really question it, can we - well most governments across the world don't and that's good enough for me. Most of Europe's economics have already begun to recover, so it's fair to say there's a great deal more money to be made.

Now you might have spent a lot of time pondering how I've amassed this great deal of wealth, but what you really should have been thinking about is what I'll be spending it all on.

Trisan Reddy. 2013 (C)

035 Secret Meeting #14. Mario, not the plumber.

2013-03-22T00:01:00.000+02:00

"Well Mario, I can't say that I'm not disappointed with this entire Cyprus debacle. I thought that we had all developed quite an extraordinary plan, that would ensure no one else thinks about defaulting ever again and we were going to steal a large sum of money from the Russians. I couldn't have planned it better if I engineered it myself, but we both know the idea was really yours, I merely assisted. Nonetheless, I believe most of the plan can be salvaged..."

I'm afraid I've had no time for sightseeing while here in Germany, today I find myself in Frankfurt in a small cafe near the Eurotower's main building. I ordered a coffee, which was not as easy as I thought it would be - you would think more Germans would know English, but you would be wrong.

I have just finished a meeting with my dear friend Mario, I call him 'my dear friend', but I only met him a few years ago, coincidentally just before this sovereign debt crisis began. Naturally, no one knows I know Mario, but I trust you, valued global citizens to keep my secrets.

You see Cyprus was meant to be one in a long line of rather successful investments for me. And it would have worked much like my previous successful plans*:

The EU would ask Cypriots to give part of their savings to the organisation in order to secure a loan.
But this would severely undermine the country and its banking system, why would anyone want to invest in the country... now?
Investors would leave and the businesses left would essentially be worthless.
Which would mean one could buy off those businesses for a song.
Investors would eventually return, because the EU would have a 'change of heart' and return the money, saying it was all 'a big mistake'.
In the mean time those lucky individuals who had bought out all the businesses would be in a fantastic position to benefit
(It's much easier when you know what the ECB is planning.)

So it looks, for the moment, that I may not be profiting off the misfortune of this overspending EU nation, but the billions I'm about to make on Greece, Ireland and Spain will have to do. I could explain how that works, but then you can easily work that out for yourself. But I haven't given up on Cyprus just yet, my network of European leaders, investors, and I, have a 'plan B'. Till next time valued global citizens.

*What? You're disgusted? But China have done it to America, and America has done it to Iraq. It's the circle of life.

2013. (C) Trisan Reddy.

034 Secret Meeting #3. Location undisclosed.

2013-03-06T14:27:00.001+02:00

I'm sitting on a wooden chair and a wooden table stands in front of me. There is a blue and white-checkered tablecloth on the table. On the tablecloth is a lunch time spread of sandwiches, ice tea and carrot cake. I've selected a cheese sandwich, which sits on a white plate in front of me. I've taken three bites thus far.

The wooden chair, table and myself are located in a vibrant field covered in green grass. Cows graze a few kilometres away, passed a wooden fence. A few large trees dot the landscape. A small shed lies 500m behind me. There is a city 50 kilometres to the east, but I can't see any sign of it from here. Other than the occasional 'moo' from a cow and the buzzing of a bee it's rather quiet.

This is a field similar to, but not the same as, the one I'm in.

To date I have not seen a great deal of Germany, in fact even as I sit here, I can't say that I have actually seen any other part of Germany. Yes, I know, you're wondering what could possibly be going on, so I won't keep you in suspense.

Five minutes ago a small plane hovered 1,2 kilometres above this very field in Germany. Someone jumped out of the plane and at a height of 1 kilometre above the ground, a ripcord was pulled and the skydiver floated gently to Earth. The skydiver landed safely on the green grass. I imagine it was quite exciting, personally I took a private plane to the airport and was driven here in a limousine. The skydiver is currently preparing herself. I shall take this time to finish my sandwich...

And here she comes, "Welcome Chancellor Merkel. I think you'll find this meeting will be well worth your time, as all of our previous meetings have been." I must go valued global citizens, rest assured, I will tell you more of my newest plan in due course.

2013. (C) Trisan Reddy.

033 Presidents. (Not Really.) In. Prison. Part. Two

2013-02-14T23:15:00.000+02:00

The following is a transcript from the secretly recorded, closed proceedings in the conference room in the Swazi Royal Palace (Part One can be found here):

THE CONFERENCE ROOM IN THE ROYAL SWAZI PALACE. INT. DAY.

Five global leaders are trapped in a room: Barack Obama (President of the USA), Jacob Zuma (President of South Africa), Angela Merkel (Chancellor of Germany), Hu Jintao (President of China), Dilma Rousseff (President of Brazil). A voice is heard through a loudspeaker.

ORONTE

(off-screen)

It's been a while now, are you ready to meet my demands?

ANGELA MERKEL

But we have given in. We agreed long ago.

Angela Merkel walks to the door and begins to bang her head against the door slowly.

JACOB ZUMA

What were your demands?

ORONTE

You remember - I trapped you all in this room with one express purpose. A truly villainous and outrageous demand - I asked you to come up with a real plan for world peace!

BARACK OBAMA

But we did, and we all support the idea of peace.

ORONTE

But that was meaningless, like Greece's promise to stick to austerity.

Angela chuckles to herself.

DILMA ROUSSEFF

Why don't you just tell us what you want and we'll do it? We don't appreciate being kept prisoners in this manner.

ORONTE

You're not really prisoners, I just said that for dramatic effect, you're free to leave at any time, just as soon as you've all agreed on a real plan for peace.

The speaker system turns off and the presidents are left alone again.

BARACK OBAMA

That's it. I can't take. Any more. I can't stand any. Of you. Especially you, Hu Jintao. You've been so calm. Through this entire ordeal. I hate you. I really hate. You and I'm just sick...

A piece of paper is slipped under the door. Angela Merkel sees this and discreetly picks up and reads the paper.

HU JINTAO

I wouldn't go any further.

BARACK OBAMA

Why would I bother, it's not like. We owe China billions of dol... (Barack hangs his head, then looks up and fake smiles) My apologies Mr. President. It's merely. The heat of the. Moment.

Hu Jintao smiles. Angela slips the piece of paper into her pocket.

ANGELA MERKEL

I've got it.

JACOB ZUMA

Oh good, because I have no idea what's going on and I'm still waiting for a cup of tea.

Jacob Zuma looks meaningfully at his tea cup and then at Dilma.

ANGELA MERKEL

It's simple. We can give the world peace by staying out of their affairs.

JACOB ZUMA

Preposterous.

BARACK OBAMA

Ridiculous.

DILMA ROUSSEFF

I don't think that's what Oronte wants from us.

ANGELA MERKEL

But it is, I suppose I could ease up on the rest of the European Union and Zuma, you could stop propping up ruthless dictators like Robert Mugabe. Jintao you could be more careful about which countries China is involved in, rather than seeking the greatest profit you could be a little more responsible - I mean you're communists for goodness sake - act like it. Dilma you could take a stronger stand against corrupt regimes in South America by ceasing your support of them. And you Obama, let's face it, America has a tendency to get involved in things it shouldn't be.

BARACK OBAMA

We do not.

DILMA ROUSSEFF

What about Bin Laden, you did fund his activities in Afghanistan in the beginning and that came back to bite you in the bottom. What about Vietnam? Iraq? Found any weapons of mass destruction yet?

BARACK OBAMA

That wasn't me. Okay so we don't have the best track record, but that doesn't mean we shouldn't try to help.

ORONTE

(off-screen)

But maybe that's the point. You can't always be trying to influence the world. At some point individual nations have to fall or stand on their own merit. And you've all already done such a sterling job of staying out of Rwanda during the genocide, South Africa during apartheid, Syria during the civil war and even today - one could argue it would just be an extension of what you're already not doing.

BARACK OBAMA

But then the world would descend into chaos.

ORONTE

The world's already in chaos - look at Syria or Egypt Even Greece or Cuba. It's all a mess.

BARACK OBAMA

But it's a controlled chaos.

ORONTE

Maybe you can't control the world? Control is an illusion. We only fool ourselves into thinking that if we can control our surroundings we can be safe, but we can't. People die, accidents happen, revolutions begin, the world turns and we have no control over any of it.

The leaders consider this.

JACOB ZUMA

I don't agree, but in the interest of finally getting to the buffet, South Africa agrees.

DILMA ROUSSEFF

Brazil agrees, we will try to stay out of the affairs of other countries.

HU JINTAO

China agrees for now.

ANGELA MERKEL

I'm tired of being the voice of reason in Europe, let them stand or fall by themselves - I'm all for it.

BARACK OBAMA

I don't agree, but I'll. Give it a try. I pledge to withdraw, I don't know, about 34 000. Troops from Afghanistan and unless. North Korea actually does. Something I'll sternly rebuke them with words alone. And to prove the authenticity of my commitment I'll put that in my state of the nation address.

ORONTE

That's a start.

The doors unlock and the steel barrier goes up.

ORONTE

That concludes our peace conference, special thanks to Angela Merkel.

ANGELA MERKEL

Oh, it was nothing. Really. Right idea at the right time. I didn't become Chancellor by accident.

ORONTE

No doubt. Well we need to draft the language of the final agreement, but the buffet is now open, please enjoy. And just to be on the safe side I've already uploaded copies of everything you said to each other during this meeting, just in case anyone is thinking of retaliating against me or going back on their word. This has been a productive meeting, I'm sure the world at large will benefit greatly. Is anyone still there?

All the politicians have rushed to the buffet.

ORONTE

My plan has worked perfectly! But they don't see it now.

DILMA ROUSSEFF

Did you say something?

ORONTE

No. Nothing. Why aren't you at the buffet?

DILMA ROUSSEFF

Just forgot my handbag.

Dilma leaves again.

ORONTE

They have no idea what they've just committed to. This will be...

DILMA ROUSSEFF

Are you sure you didn't say something, I really thought I heard something then.

ORONTE

And you're back again. No, just a sound check. I'm putting it off, now go away.

Dilma leaves again. An audible click is heard as the speaker system is turned off.

032a Breaking News - Peace Conference

2013-02-04T16:57:00.001+02:00

by Willa Wanadoo
International Correspondent for the World News Service.
Published 17h00, 4 February 2013.

Today an historic event is taking place in the small landlocked former kingdom of Swaziland. The recently installed leader of the country, Oronte, a self-proclaimed global supervillain has set the stage for peace. You will remember that Oronte took over the nation when King Mswati III abdicated his throne and the people of Swaziland were calling for Oronte to take over. There have been no elections to date, but protests in Swaziland are at an all time low. Though the World News Service has learned of a small protest involving the family members of some of the staff at Lozitha Palace (the Royal Palace) - they claim the staff members have gone missing and are feared to have been eaten by crocodiles. Oronte has yet to respond to these reports, though the sheer outlandishness of these reports makes their authenticity highly unlikely in this reporter's opinion.

Nonetheless, we can only assume that Oronte's intentions are honourable - to date, despite the best efforts of the World News Service (and our considerable wealth of resources), we have yet to uncover any actual wrongdoing on the part of Oronte. He claims that he his intentions are pure, and loyal readers, I am inclined to believe him.

The conference began in earnest this morning with world leaders greeted by Oronte. After a rousing speech, a number of workgroups were created to tackle global problems. One of the most interesting groups was created to investigate the possibility of disbanding the E! Entertainment channel and to look into the viability of arresting Justin Bieber and Lady Gaga for crimes against humanity. Another group that includes Barack Obama, Angela Merkel and other leaders from each continent (except Australasia and Antarctica which were deemed 'not important enough' to participate) has been sequestered in the main conference room of the palace with the express goal of hammering out a peace plan that will guarantee a better world. Nothing has been heard from this group for a while, so we can only assume that they're hard at work.

This brings me to one conclusion, dear readers: Oronte is good. This reporter thinks that his claim of being a global supervillain is simply a rouse, it is clear to me that his ultimate goal is to bring about a peaceful planet and the very fact that he has organised this conference and gathered these influential leaders together is proof positive that he has the best interests of all Earth's people at heart.

© 2013. Trisan Reddy.