O T A K L I A R

Fight, Love and Live

2011-12-07T04:57:00.001+07:00

If I were an old lady, this is how I will tell the story about ‘The Man with an Umbrella’ to my little girl :

Oh my little girl, be as pure as little girl always

And look for someone who loves you that way

There’s a time when you have to be brave facing the world, walk in pride, fight for yourself and share your lovely heart with those in need.

But there’s a time when you need a home, a place where you can be as pure as a little girl, as vulnerable as you are, a place where you can be as ugly and simply happy as you are, it was’nt a nice house with garden and pool, it was’nt a luxury apartment. It just simply at the heart of your beloved ones.

Home is anywhere where you being you with someone you love. Home is a moment when you being ‘here and now’ with someone you love.

Oh my dear little girl,

The best lover is the one who laugh, love and cry with you.

Never judge a man by what he says or did’nt says

Believe in your heart, listen to his eyes..

Love is about giving and listening, and the rest will follow…

Sometimes I can feel his fear of attachment

Sometimes he hides his heart away from me

It makes me sad

But I won’t let his fear beat me off

I let my heart open and flows

And I’m glad that I did’nt follow his fear

He ask me how was my day

He ask what my plan for the day

He ask what I want to eat

He ask whenever I’m ready to go to bed

He reminds me to lock the helmet

He reminds me to becarefull with my steps

He checked every belonging before I leave

Sometimes I feel he’s more a father instead of a lover

And when the day is done, we will lying on the bed and having a really warm hug time.

Most of the time we fall asleep and went late for the dinner

Bed time comes

He let me touch his face, kissing every inch of his face

I adore every moments when he fall asleep in my hand

I follow him into deep sleep while I stroke his hair

I like rubbing his back and feel him surrender

That’s how I feel that we were both so pure

Letting each other in and letting each other out

I will remember the day when we say good bye in the airport

I can not hiding my tears anymore, so I let my tears drops in his warm hug

I don’t hide my heart away

I have nothing to say but the tears

We were there hugging each other and cry

I never know what was really in our mind

Maybe nothing work there

Only the heart talks in it’s beauty of tears

My dear little girl,

You may have an excellent job, you may have all the chance to conquer the world, you may have everything to get the world in your hand.

But to make you happy, all you need is love and an ugly lazy time with your beloved ones.

You don’t need 24 hours together, it takes only few hours to share your life with whom you being ‘here and now’, and it’s all you need to recharge your energy to facing the next day with bright eyes and an open heart.

Yogyakarta, Nov 7th 2011

Love, Fear & Loathing - Noraa Ish ft. Adele (Prod. by Kid Pistol)

2011-11-14T02:00:00.002+07:00

I don't know

2011-11-11T03:21:00.001+07:00

It was long time ago when we sat waiting for the rain stops,
‘Will we meet again’ You ask.
You don’t even look into my eyes. You go further into the rain.
‘Yes. We will.’ I said.
We were in silence, only holding hands.
Just after the trains leave, i go back to our room, look into the skies with my tears drops. The rain comes blew all my tears away. Somehow i knew that the universe will take care of you, untill the day we meet again.
Each months since that day, i counts everytime fullmoon comes and sing for you
‘Fly me to the moon, and let me sing among the stars.
Let me see what brings it’s likes in Jupiter and Mars....’

It’s been 45 fullmoon i spent without you, and soon we will enjoy fullmoon hand in hand, facing the sun with your blue eyes and my bright smile.
I’ve been thru all this way. Tears, lonely, pretending, demanding, anger, jealousy, fight for you and i. Facing anyone who said it was’nt real and never be real. I stand up between you and my family.
‘Mom, if i could’nt marry this guy. I choose not to marry at all.’ I said to my Mom.
‘How could i be with somebody else while i know where my heart belong.’ I continue.
And my mom could’nt find any way to stop me from loving you.
People may judge me with their eyes. But for me you’re real. You’re the man who stays with me when i’m down. When others underestimated my ideas, you’re the one who convince me that i can reach anything i really wants to. You always there on my way, next to me to make me feel equal, sometimes behind me just to make sure i won’t fall.

Oh dear,
I’m counting the days and tryin to recall the feeling.
I don’t understand what life has prepare for me.
Yet again, the universe listen to my pray.
But, am i really want this now?
I dont know.

A pair of goggles and a little faith by Josephin Lie

2011-11-05T03:17:00.000+07:00

It's My Circle Campaign

2011-10-29T03:24:00.000+07:00

Detached

2011-08-30T19:53:00.004+07:00

My heart in it’s most vulnerable when I’m with family. It’s been 11 years I left home, every years I tried to understand what is the meaning of home to me. And every years I’am aware of the changes within me, I prefer to call it as grows, but in the same time I do feel that most people did’nt change at all. They might have a better wealth, better look, more children, and so on. But still the same paradigm.
Thru this writing, I judge my family. The only thing I can do to speak up my mind and transfer my anger in response on their judge on me.

I feel life is shallow when I’m here with family in this small town ,whenever I sat on the roof and look up the skies, all those stars seems so far away to me, the beauty is kinda a dream. I’m too powerless to think that I could reach those stars. And I feel the most alive when I’m not here. Whenever I sat in my terrace and look up the skies, I smile and my heart open in it’s peace. I do feel that there’s nothing impossible to me, that life and the universe support me to be myself and whatever I do. I do feel that the frogs, the banana trees, the wind, the sun, listen to me even more carefully than those people that I expected to be.
It’s kinda weird but it’s true. All I tried here is to shut my mind, shut my mouth, being patient to listen what people think about me. And keep sending my deepest best wishes for their own good.
Whenever I came home, I brings a pack of hope. To think that people will stop judge me from my status, personality and my wealth. I expect people to ask whether I’am happy or not. But it seems whatever I did never enough to convinced them that I’am happy to be who I’am, that I feel grateful for what I have and what I did’nt have.

I know you happy, but you will be happy even more if you marry.
I know you pretty, but you will be pretty even more if you wear veil.
I know you did great works, but it’s nothing without a husband and children to share with.

Oh my dear fam,
I wish you know how much it hurts to me. The more I tried to be closer and connected to all of you, the more I feel the rejection. The more I want to be the part of the family, the more I realized we are moving into different direction.
Is it possible to love each other with unconditional love? To accept and respect the difference and the choice?
I wish you understand how hurts and hard it is to be detached from something you really love. How sad I’am inside to feel that I can not connected with all of you. I wish I could make you happy with my choice. But I wont let anyone to make decision for my life, not even my family.
I love you and respect all the differences between us ; religion,beliefs, politic, perspective or whatsoever. But I can not compromise the choice of my life.

Big hugs and lots of love.

Ps : I know that I’m not the only one In the world who experienced this. I wish that everyone in my situation could transform this spirit to create a better world ; bring love and respect among all those differences. My heart in it’s most vulnerable when I’m with family. It’s been 11 years I left home, every years I tried to understand what is the meaning of home to me. And every years I’am aware of the changes within me, I prefer to call it as grows, but in the same time I do feel that most people did’nt change at all. They might have a better wealth, better look, more children, and so on. But still the same paradigm.

Oh Dear Inna

2011-08-22T19:26:00.000+07:00

Ok, saya tidak bisa fokus bekerja hanya karena satu hal yang mengganggu fikiran ; Cemas menghadapi perpisahan. Saatnya menulis untuk diri saya sendiri dan menghadapi kecemasan tersebut. semoga seperti biasanya, tulisan akan membantu saya menghilangkan kecemasan ini.

Semesta menuliskan sepucuk suratnya untukku...

Dear Inna,

Seandainya aku bisa menghentikan waktu, akan kuhentikan waktu agar dirimu tetap menikmati kebahagiaan ini. Kamu pantas akan kebahagiaan ini, sesuatu yang telah dipersiapkan lama untukmu agar dirimu bisa menikmatinya di saat yang tepat. Setelah sekian waktu perjalanan, aku terus mengingat doa-doa mu dan sedikit demi sedikit mengurainya menjadi peristiwa yang indah, untukmu saat ini.

Dear Inna,

Keyakinan dan pengharapanmu tentang cinta sungguh luar biasa. Luka bukan sesuatu yang menghentikanmu dari percaya bahwa suatu hari dirimu akan bertemu dengan seseorang yang memaknai dan melihat cinta dengan cara yang sama.

Namun lihatlah, bahkan kali ini kau pun seakan tak percaya. Kau tahu bahwa ini melebihi segala yang pernah kau bayangkan tentang cinta. Kau tahu pasti bahwa kau melihat cermin dirimu dalam dirinya. Kau bahkan silau dengan bayangan dirimu sendiri di dirinya.

Aku tidak mengirim lelaki itu padamu. Dengan keyakinan dan tanganmu, dirimu telah menjadikan doamu menjadi nyata. Lelaki yang sama mungkin datang dengan warna yang berbeda jika keyakinan mu tentang cinta berbeda.

Aku bekerja atas panggilan hatimu, di sanalah aku bermuara dan bekerja dengan kuasaku. Kamu mengerti maksudku?

Dear Inna,

Tidak ada yang sempurna selain dirimu sendiri yang menjadikannya sempurna. Tidak ada yang cukup selain dirimu sendiri yang mencukupkannya bagi dirimu. Tidak ada yang abadi.

Yakinlah selalu sebagaimana dirimu selalu. Bertahun dirimu tak gentar berjalan sendiri, didera maki, ragu, sepi, cemas, lapar, malu, dan selalu kamu bertahan. Yakinlah bahwa kaupun akan bertahan didera bahagia.

Dear Inna,

Jangan pernah membatasi mimpimu. Lelaki ini bukan lagi mimpimu, ia jelas nyata bagimu. Namun ingatlah selalu, bahwa hidup selalu penuh dengan rahasia. Kerelaan untuk melepas sesuatu yang berharga akan membawa kita pada mukjizat luar biasa.

Aku selalu mengingatkanmu bahwa perpisahan adalah sesuatu yang terelakkan. Waktu dan tempat hanya perpisahan yang fana, kematian adalah kepastian.

Dear Inna,

Berapa banyak perpisahan yang telah kau lewati dan lihatlah bagaimana dirimu bertahan dan tumbuh karena nya. Jika dirimu bisa melewati semua perpisahan itu, mengapa dirimu tak yakin bisa melewati perpisahan kali ini?

Tentu, seperti biasa dirimu kan menangis. air matamu akan meleleh lagi menatap langit malam. Tapi tak apa, karena setelahnya dirimu akan bangkit lagi seperti biasanya.

Jangan takut. Perpisahan kali ini hanya akan membuka pintu-pintu rahasia berikutnya. Bukankah kau pemuja hidup? Bukankah kau ingin hidup sehidup-hidupnya? Maka janganlah gentar untuk hidup.

Satu hal yang selalu kau ingat, aku tidak pernah meninggalkanmu bahkan pada saat kematian.

The Juggling Strategy- How To Bring The Abortion Issue Into A Public Discussion (Part1)

2011-08-12T08:48:00.003+07:00

Today, 12 august 2011, i and martin met more than 400 people from many different cultural and religious backgrounds. We came, learn and share with teenagers, students, mothers, activists, medical workers, sex workers and nuns. We do the workshops in schools, university, nunneries, NGO offices and villages. We talk a lot over sexuality and reproductive health and rights. Everytime always challenging, lot of fun and laugh. People are always exciting and comes up with their question about their bodies.

I wonder how our body and mind can keep going with these without feeling tired and bored. Maybe because we doing it with passion, and the more we witnessing people's excitement the more we passionated about it.

Talking about abortion is not always easy, to bring this conversation we have to use many different strategies. Sometimes we have to start from unwanted pregnancies, sexual pleasure, contraception or sometimes we have to talk about depression after abortion at first before talkin the issue itself.

I understand that sexuality and reproductive health itself not a common subject to discuss in public. So, talkin about abortion is like jumping the issue. Juggling strategy, that’s how i call the methode on how to bring the issue into a public discussion.

From many different subjects, we ussually put the abortion subject in the middle or in the end. It’s important to create a comfort space at first so people are safe to be open freely, then start with subject that relate to the context of the abortion itself. For example, in some area abortion is not an option to end unwanted pregnancies, thats why the number of teens marriage are high.

Our first workshop in Kupang is with students in Nusa Cendana University. It takes 10 minutes for me to take a deep breath and makes my self relax before I start the workshop. the participants are young men, when they came to the room and taking a seat, I can feel the athmosphere of masculine energy fulfill the room. Their body language are so macho. It’s kinda challenging to take back the energy and make them more relax on the workshop. So, I came to them one by one, introduce myself with smile and Martin give candy. With smile and candy, they become more relax. Even more relax with subject about sexual pleasure. We are all agreed that sex is natural and fun but we also underlined about the consequency relate to their future dream. We also discuss about relationship and asking them about what they expect from and for someone they loved. All of them agreed that unwanted pregnancy is not what they expected, especially to take unsafe abortion as an option to end the pregnancy. Starts from this point of view, then everyone become more receptive to the discussion on safe abortion.

We do the workshop with them in 2 days, in the end I surprised to see how open they are into the subject. No women comes to the workshop but that’s okay as long we can informed well all the men, they will bring the awareness to their partner and friends.

2nd workshop in Kupang is with mothers, some of them brings their babies to te workshop. for this group, we start the subject with pregnancy, birth option and breast feeding, which ofcourse the most topic they need. From here we continue with contraception. And the question is : what happen if contraception failed? Is there anyone taking abortion as an option? Most of them did not take this option, but as we all know that women care to each others, at least we will find out that some of their friends take this option and usually it is not unsafe. We may also heard about abortion cases surrounding them. From here then we bring the issue into safe abortion.

so, create a comfort zone and the context at first is the key to bring the issue into a public discussion.

To be continue

Learn How To Love Again

2011-08-11T23:02:00.006+07:00

in the last few months, i witnessing myself grows. i learn how to love again.

learn how to love again is not simply, because you walk slowly with fears. first time you love, you be open to love and ready to do everything for love. but once you know that love is not really like what you expected, then you fear to love again.

learn how to love again means that love and fear walks altogether. you have to overcome your fear to let love works within you. i challenge myself to beat the fear within me and accept the love to works within me.

while in my daily lives, i known as inna hudaya the activist and counselor, it's kinda hard sometimes to enjoy the little girl inside myself. home where also office to me, is not belong to this little girl. whenever i'm home my brain just automatically working all the time.

but everytime i landed in bali and saw his sleepy face waiting for me outside the airport, that little girl inside me laughing, dancing and singing.

i will hug him tight, laugh loud while enjoying midnite sky all the way to sanur. i like to lay my cheek on his back, it feels so safe. somewhere in the redlight i know he will turn his head so i can kiss him. that the sweetest thing about riding with him. next to him, i feel myself free. no more inna hudaya, just inna the silly.

i will hug him all nite and the next day i thankful to enjoy his pure sleepy face. the face that always makes me happy and in peace.

whenever i'm in jogja, i work too hard. my brain always busy with ideas and joblist. no one can stop me from working. but when i'm in bali, i will work more effective because i want to spend lazy time in the afternoon. lazy time mean quality time. this is the time to talk less and hug more. sometimes skip dinner and brush teeth because we fall asleep.

i'm happy with nothin. when i heard him saying that, suddenly i realize what makes me in love deeply with him. yes, because he is simply guy. yes, because no takes too much efforts to make him happy, because he simply know how to make himself happy.

what i really like about him is because i like myself more when i'm with him.

loving him is about loving myself.

some poeple might think that i'm strong girl. well, it's not really true. in fact, i'm just a little girl ; spoiled, lazy and like to play all the time. also makes mistakes. the only thing that might be true is that i know how to appreciate every little thing. maybe lots of people have someone special but maybe not all appreciate every little thing about someone they loved. maybe lots of people have better job than me but often forgot to appreciate every little progress and challenges.

what i mean is, i dont feel that i have more than any others. but i thankful for what i have and i dont have at the moment. that's what makes me happy. that what makes me always exciting and grateful for every new thing, new challenges and new people.

i know it won't be forever. but i will keep thankful for every joy, jealousy and pain. and whenever it must end. i will be grateful to see myself grow even more. the best gift about learn to love is to know that we have the capability to love and to be loved.

i wish everyone as happy as i'am. i wish everyone be with somebody they loved and appreciate the love itself.

Aku ingin

2011-07-15T02:41:00.002+07:00

Semesta yang baik, lama aku tidak menyapamu. apa kabar?
Malu malu juga sedih aku diam diam datang menyapamu hendak meminta kemurahan hatimu dan berharap energi bekerja dalam kegamanganku.

Semesta, aku ingin menjadi bagian dari kehidupan lelaki yang kucintai. Aku ingin mengenalnya lebih dalam.

Aku ingin menari bersamanya
Aku ingin ia tersenyum dan menggenggam tanganku di keramaian
Aku ingin ia memperkenalkanku pada sahabat sahabatnya
Aku ingin ia menangis bersamaku
Aku ingin menikmati sore bersamanya di tepi pantai dan saling mengecup manis
Aku ingin ia menulis sesuatu untukku
Aku ingin ia muncul di depan pintu rumahku
Aku ingin ia merindukanku

Semesta yang baik,
Aku meminta keberanian untuk mengatakan padanya bahwa aku telah jatuh cinta
Aku meminta kekuatan untuk menerima cinta
Aku meminta ketegaran untuk menerima penolakan

Pada akhirnya aku percaya apapun yang akan terjadi engkau akan memelihara dan menjagaku hingga cinta berikutnya

Things left unsaid ( love, sexodynamic, biochemical process and the naked apes )

2011-05-31T08:26:00.005+07:00

My dear,

I must say that I tried hard to recognize, listen to even confront myself in the last few months. I`ve just realized that I have formed into a highly intelligent woman who knows how to play with the heart. I know exactly when to go, when to take a step back and when to stop and then continue the journey. I always have controll, and it makes me feel sexy, feel great. But this time I really felt stupid, felt no control, no longer even feel sexy and great.

What turns me into these situation : felt not pretty, not sexy and worthless ? Aha, it turns out about feelings!

My dear,

I am no longer interested in parties, on appropriate occasions where I can meet and flirt with other guy. I mean, i`m no longer interested in finding another guy for a casual sex.

I dont understand why I missed so many opportunities where I can explore my sexuality, to feel a tremendous vibration in me. Perhaps because of three things: first, i passed the phase of lust and quite content to enjoy it with you. I have enough excess dopamine,vasopresin and oxytocin. Second, because I did not feel quite sexy enough and worthless because at the same time i feel rejected by you. Third, wich could be the worst is because i fallin in love with you. Dammit!!

My dear,

For centuries, human in every culture tryin to define, to search, to describe the meaning of Love. And still, we dont know yet what is Love. We tryin to figure it out in so many ways. The more we try to define it the more confuse we are. Maybe people love the idea of love because love brought people to a state of needing something bigger than him/her. The same idea why people create the idea of God.

Helen Fisher`s studies tryin to explain Love and it`s biochemical proceess in the brain. She and her research team put 32 people, who were madly in love, into a functional MRI brain scanner: 17 who were madly in love and their love was accepted; and 15 who were madly in love and they had just been dumped. According to her studies, Love impacts the brain in these three brain systems, lust, romantic love, and attachment,

As i`ve told you before that i need you to be the part of my sexual and spiritual journey, to explore both inside of me. But i have never imagine or tought that `fallin in love` will be the part of it.

i enjoy to explore my sexual desire with you, i might say that our sexual relationship is nearly comes to a perfection. I adore your openess and respect, i adore the way we communicate. It works for me. But in the end, i must admit that i`ve made mistake not to think the risk of doing this in the terms of emotion and biochemical process in the brain.

With an openess and respectfull communication, it helps me to be more relax and secure – emotionally and sexually. In these situation it turns me easily to orgasms. With orgasm i get a spike of dopamine that turns me to romantic love, i can just fall in love with you. With orgasm, i also get a real rush of oxytocin and vasopressin, those are associated with attachment, this is why everytime i wake up in the middle of the night, i will automatically reach you and hug you. This is why i need to touch your skin to turns me into deep sleep. This is why i will stay awake and rub your back or stroking your hair whenever you have night mare. Just to make sure that you feel secure and relax to get back into deep sleep. Somehow this power of oxytocin and vasopresin help me to find the feminine nurture like a mother to the child.

My dear,

Sometimes you noticed me laughing in public with no reason. Maybe you think i`m crazy. I see people and suddenly i realize that to me you`re such so different and special. i`m laughing my self not to think logic. Sometimes i see this handsome guy walking and comes to my brain :`Why him? Why not this guy?`

I hate myself to feel that i become possesive to you. It supposed to be casual sex. But i can feel the fire burns me everytime i think of you having sex with other girls. I know for sure that i`m not a jealousy person, but this time i became so possesive and obsessive about you. I feel so crank to you like i get used to crank to the food.

My dear,

You drive me crazy. You know it !

I`m the woman who have no fears, always in controll and very intelligent.

And LOVE turns me into the contrary.

I`m now the woman who have no gut to say `I LOVE YOU`

I`m now the woman who have no controll over her hormones and mind

I`m now the woman who felt stupid, ugly and worthless.

Dammit, all the classes i`ve taught ; Emotion & Relationship, Body Image, Dealing with Stress, Sexual pleasure, etc. now are just a matter of subject not reality. My brain just can`t digest it. Yoga and Meditation just cant help!!

But I keep in believing that this is the part of my spiritual journey.

In fact, i need to feel that i`m worthless, i need to feel the fears, i need to feel out of controll, i need to feel the worries, i need to feel rejected.

To reminds me that life is not always beautiful.

To reminds me that life can`t be measure with logic and plans.

To reminds me that as a human i`m not taking controll of everything.

To reminds me not to be arrogant for who i`am.

Not to think that i`m intelligent enough.

Not to think that my life is the most extraordinary.

Not to thinik that i can do whatever i want.

To brought me to the wisdom

To brought me to the equality of beings

Helen fisher said : `In these three brain systems, lust, romantic love, and attachment, don’t always go together. They can go together, by the way. That’s why casual sex isn’t so casual. But, these three brain systems, lust, romantic love and attachment, aren’t always connected to each other. You can feel deep attachment to a long-term partner, while you feel intense romantic love for somebody else, while you feel the sex drive for people unrelated to these other partners. In short, we’re capable of loving more than one person at a time. In fact, you can lie in bed at night and swing from deep feelings of attachment for one person to deep feelings of romantic love for somebody else.`

There’s all kinds of reasons that you fall in love with one person rather than another, timing is important, proximity is important, mystery is important. You fall in love with somebody who’s somewhat mysterious, in part, because, mystery elevates dopamine in the brain, probably pushes you over that threshold to fall in love. You fall in love with somebody who fits within what I call your “love map,” an unconscious list of traits that you build in childhood as you grow up and I also think that you become –gravitate to certain people, actually with somewhat complementary brain systems

My dear,

I think love is a luxury. love is everywhere and available at anytime, but it becomes expensive and luxury because to love one must be willing to against ego and pride. Not all people dare to fall in love. Most people walk away because of their fears, they dont want to deal with it. People afraid to get hurt, scared to be rejected, afraid to accept the breakup and dealing with bad periode thru a broken heart misery.

I might be that person. The person who choose not to deal with fears and prefer to walk away. I'm the person who drive forward into a relationship with a more logical reason, such as money and security, because it easir for me to know when to start, to walk, to take a step back or to stop, how to care for and preserve it. But drive myself into a relationship with love is like gambling, do not know when it will win and when to lose.

One of my dear friend told me that the key to Love is to `surrender` to the universe. And let the universe work in our lives. As long as we still want to maintain power and control, we are not ready to receive and or giving love.

My dear,

i enjoy every moments when my fingers dancing and flowing throughly your soft-blonde hair. While my mind say many things to myself, sometimes to you as well. At this moment I often say in a slow nearly without sound : `I love you 'and then I close my eyes to imagine that my love is come in and work through the fingers. Dancing among your soft-blonde hair and flowing to your nerves. I said to myself, you can feel the love that flows through this caress, take you into a deep sleep like a baby feel loved of his mother. ( see, this part describe more about attachment instead of lust)

Sometimes i`m laughing myself everytime comes this imaginery to my mind – you say `i love you `. Maybe this is an expectation from my heart most deeply, or perhaps it just an ego. I do not know. But sometimes my ears turns out to be so cranked and asked for that stupid and ugly sentence, just once.

Tonight I remember one of Desmond Morris`s documentary series `Human Sexes`. This film explains how human use body language to attract a partner, to flirt, to send the sexual signal, send the mating signal. Starts from a sexual signal as as sign of mating periode, the body also send the signal whenever somebody ready to move a level up to another state of intimacy. Its shows the body language that only appear at certain phases in which a person feels secure enough with her/his partner.

When the couple had started touching each other face is the phase where they let their partner go into very personal territory. Include touching the hair. Letting someone stroking our hair is an unconscious signal of acceptance into very personal territory. Through touching and smelling, humans learn to enter and accept each other into a very personal area, it takes trust and a sense of security to get into this area.

My dear,

Thank you for letting my fingers dancing and flowing freely throughly your soft-blonde hair. Thank you for letting me enjoy your pure face whenever you fall asleep in my chest. Thank you for showing me your inner-child without fear or shame.Thank you for accepted my presence in your very personal space. Space that often makes most people afraid to show, to share or to explore. It kindly of trust and an honor to me.

Thank you for letting me loving you just the way i'am, just the way you are.

All i want is to forever remember me as loving you

I call it as LIFE!

2011-05-08T19:12:00.002+07:00

women knows wether she is loved or not. womens knows wether she is happy or not. womens knows wether she is accepted or not. womens knows how to think, feel and celebrates in the same time.
dont ask anyone to confirm what you feel. while others confirm it with their mind and experiences,you will find it thru your heart. an experience can not measurable only with mind, the heart is the key to reveal the secret, to unlocked the fears and celebrates the life.
do not see pain as an end, it just a door to wisdom and strength. love doesnt kill. sometimes we need lovesick to make us love even more. sometimes we need to be rejected to honor ourself and others even more.
the beauty of love is because it caused you happiness and pain in the same time. I call it as Life!

Love, Ego and Fears

2011-04-26T20:04:00.002+07:00

And here i'am sitting in the beach, smoking,crying and feelin guilt to my self. I've just saying good bye to somebody i'm falling in love with without having the gut to say that i'm madly in love with him. I might be have no other chance to see him again, and this is the chance for me to say it,and i skipped it. What a coward!

Dammit, i've just realized that to fall in love you need to be fearless. To confront your own ego,fears and expectation. And i dont brave enough to do that.

Yet again, i'm tryin to defence myself and make a logic excuse for what i did'nt do. I will feel ugly to be one of the girls in his list. I dont want to be the girl who chase after him. Why should i be that girl while i can make others guys chase on me?

Or maybe i just dont want to face the truth that to him it was just a casual sex while for me it's more than just sex. I dont want to deal with any rejection and excuse.

Or maybe i just dont want to make it complicated for him knowing that he seeks for sex not love in his travel mission.

Or maybe i prefer to have a broken heart at the moment when things seems perfect instead of dying in a broken heart after a periode of time when things dont work well,it cost more time and energy.

Last week a friend of mine told me not to fall in love, once i fall i fallen too hard that leads me to painful periode. I do understand, she told me this coz she knew my history. But its hurtful when she think that to me it just the part of sexual exploration. That im searchin only for sex, and somehow there will be another guys on my exploration as i will define it as fallin in love again.

Dammit, its so not true. I'm very sexual but it doesnt mean that im not capable to love to stick with one partner.

I've been livin like a slut, i'm practice very well how not to mix sex and heart, how to follow the mind and strict to the rules for my own safety and security. I did bad things and manipulate guys due to sex and pleasure.

But the more i play this game, the more sensitized my self to identify the fake and the real. When im good in faking orgasm then im good in enjoying the real one. Once you play the game then you know when others plays the same game.

Dammit, i'm just tryin to say that this time i dont want to let go this guy, i dont want to let go the warm feeling, i dont want to let go the hugs, kisses and laugh. I dont want to let go the lazy time, the dinner,the calls, the inner-child in me and him.

I want to come home and being as spoiled as a little girl. I want somebody to rub my back and reminds me to brush my teeth before bedtime. I want to be myself with somebody. maybe i'm too exciting to feel the jealousy in me which is unusual to me. maybe i love the way he makes me swinging from one to another state of emotions.

Am i too much?

Dammit, i wish i have the gut to say 'I LOVE YOU'

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I'm A Prostitute !

2011-04-04T12:58:00.001+07:00

To me, those sex workers are angels.

I can not remember when was the first time i recognize prostitution as a bad thing, as a sin or immoral. Maybe it was there since my family and the society draws it in my blood. It was there since I went to school and they teach my brain as a robot to recognize what is bad and what is good. It was there since I heard the story of Adam and Eve, Heaven and Hell. It was there since I can not use my logic and heart properly to see and understand about life.

When I was a child, I collected words surrounding me to what I understand as stereotype of prostitute ; Those who polish their nails in red, wearing high heels, spread her bold smile and winked her eyes. Those women will end up naked in a bed belong to somebody’s mother or wife.

But I do remember when was the first time I recognize that most of us are prostitute. That I’am a prostitute too!

My landlord lady told me that we are all prostitute. We are all sell our expertise for money. Body, skills, knowledge and religion are the commodities we substitute for money. I love her ideas. She went to church every week, she pray everyday and she told me that all these ritual are part of prostitution due to her needs for prolonged peace and heaven. She underlined that peace and heaven cost money too.

Since then I suddenly realize that I’m a prostitute too. So what makes me better than a sex worker?

Based on Merriam-webster dictionary, the definition of prostitution ( pros·ti·tu·tion / noun ) is the act or practice of engaging in promiscuous sexual relations especially for money

To underline that sex and money is the keyword of the definition. But what makes it even worst than any kind of work or expertise substitute to money? Not in my definition.

For years I always think that people doin so much work for money. We are lookin for money. We are all need the money for livin. But not everyone have the same luck and opportunity to make money in the way the like to choose. In the other way, I must say that not everyone have the gutt to choose any kind of work with risk, especially in the name of immorality and stay opposite to common society.

We might think that workin as sex worker is work under pressure and violence, kind of work that facing the things we might not like or hate. Imagine a fat man who smells like shit put his penis into our vagina. What would you feel abt it? That image might be stays in our mind and kinda makes us a bit traumatic or even makes us hate our body everytime we think that he touch us in the way we don’t like.

But this kind of trauma, dissappointement or hatred might happen in many kind of works. As an author we might write what the readers like instead to tell the truth. As an activist we might work for funding organization instead of the people we love. As a wife we might put our husband pleasure instead of our own pleasure. As an employee we might do what we hate to make the boss happy so we don’t loose our job. As a citizen we might follow the rules while we know that the government cheat on our rights. Name it. You’ll find things you don’t like, things that disappointed you, things you hate, and still you have to do it anyway.

I also want to underline that most of us are prostitute due to our religion. Most people pray like a robot. They don’t really know what they pray for. All they do for their own goals to get a couch in heaven. They choose to be in a wonderful garden with angels instead burning them selves in the hell. Why we hate fire while most of us like summer instead of winter?

To me, those sex workers are angels. I feel ashamed to think about my self who pursue the pleasure for my own. I don’t remember how many penis cuddling with my body and vagina that leads me to orgasm and gimme so much pleasure, I might say that I’m an orgasmic lady. But everytime I sat down with those sex workers, all those orgasm and pleasure did’nt make me proud of myself. I pursue pleasure for my own but they taking risk and eliminate their pleasure to feed their families. I don’t have the gutt by taking those risks to protect and feed my family.

…to be continued…

Bapak, Aku dan Cinta

2011-04-01T08:44:00.003+07:00

Kali ini aku sepakat jika mungkin tuhan adalah seorang lelaki, karena ia mengajarkanku tentang hidup lewat ayahku, manusia yang memiliki penis.

Bapak,
Kemarin sore aku diajak ke pantai. Waktu itu langit mendung dan anginnya genit mencubiti pipiku yang tembem ini. Tanganku memegang erat pinggangnya, dan sesekali aku dekap erat dadanya ketika laju motor semakin cepat.

Kami tiba di pantai mengiat ketika matahari sudah mulai bersembunyi di balik awan pekat. Pasirnya putih kecoklatan dan bersinar seperti emas, biru laut di sepanjang pesisir mengingatkan ku pada biru laut di kepulauan selayar. Seperti biasanya, hatiku sepert bolong di sana-sini setiap kali aku bertamu ke pantai, damai pelan-pelan menyelinap melalui bolongan-bolongan itu lalu hatiku pun gemuruh penuh suka cita.

Bapak,
Kali ini dia tidak mengajakku berenang. Jauh-jauh kami ke pantai dan dia tidak ingin menyentuh airnya yang suci itu.
Bapak,
Kali ini aku tidak bisa menolak. Bukannya berpiknik, ia malah bertanya tentangmu, bertanya banyak hal tentangmu, atau mungkin segala hal yang kutahu tentangmu.

Aku sudah bilang, aku tentu menangis jika berkisah tentangmu. Bukan karena aku sedih kehilanganmu, tapi terlalu banyak cinta yang kurasakan setiap kali aku mengingatmu. Tapi dia ingin tahu tentang cinta itu.

Bapak,
kali ini aku membagi kisahmu dengan dia.

*****

Bapak ku orang sederhana. Sejak kecil dia sudah harus bekerja keras. Ia lebih banyak tidur di mesjid daripada di rumahnya sendiri. Ia bahkan tidak selesai SD karena harus mencari kerja ke kota bandung.

Ia tidur di lantai tanah di sebuah dapur milik seorang penjahit di kota bandung. Ia bekerja padanya siang dan malam hingga mahir menjadi seorang penjahit. Sesekali ia membantu orang berjualan di pasar, ia melipat kain dan memangul bahan dagangan hingga ia pun mahir menjadi seorang pedagang. Lain waktu ia bekerja sebagai tukang parkir, menjadi loper koran, hingga akhirnya menjadi seorang pedagang kain batik berkeliling kota.

Menjadi pedagang batik membuatnya harus berkeliling antar kota, itu yang membuatnya menjadi seorang pengelana, sesuatu yang telah ia turunkan lewat darahnya padaku. Menjadi seorang pengelana telah memberinya kebijaksanaan dan kesederhanaan yang luar biasa.

Suatu hari bapakku meminta ijin untuk pulang pada sang juragan, karena ia harus menikah di kampung. Bukannya diberi ijin, sang juragan yang tak lain nenek dan kakekku malah membentaknya dan mengurungnya di dalam kamar. Karena kejujuran dan kesederhanaannya itulah sang juragan memaksanya untuk menikahi salah satu putrinya. Dan ia memilih ibuku.

Waktu itu bapakku berumur 25 tahun dan ibuku 14 tahun. Ibuku masih terlalu kanak-kanak dan manja untuk menjadi seorang istri. Selama 2 tahun pertama, bapaklah yang mengurus pekerjaan rumah dan merawat ibuku seperi anaknya sendiri.

Setiap kali kami makan ia akan memastikan aku mendapat cukup daging agar aku tumbuh sehat dan ia akan memakan sisa-sisanya. Kadang aku pura-pura kenyang karena aku ingin ia makan daging lebih banyak dariku, namun seringkali ia pura-pura sudah makan lebih dulu agar aku menghabiskan semua yang ada di meja makan.

Ia jarang sekali berbicara apalagi membentakku. Aku belajar lebih banyak dengan melihat bagaimana dia bersikap dan memperlakukan orang lain. Tamu pejabat ataupun pengemis tidak pernah dia bedakan. Mereka akan diajak masuk ke dalam rumah, duduk di kursi yang sama dan minum dari gelas yang sama.

Ia selalu berkata padaku,
'menjadi cerdas itu mudah, menjadi sederhana itu sulit.’

Ia ingin aku sekolah tinggi agar tidak seperti dirinya. Ia ingin semua anaknya lulus kuliah dan berhasil. Namun dia tidak peduli apakah aku masuk rangking atau tidak selama ia tahu bahwa setap malam aku belajar dan mengerjakan PR. Baginya, kerja kerasku jauh lebih berharga daripada hasil yang kuperoleh.

Aku tidak pernah melihatnya membentak ibuku atau meminta ibuku melakukan ini itu untuk dirinya. Ia menjahit pakaian nya sendiri, membereskan lemarinya sendiri, bahkan memasak untuk kami. Bahkan ia mencantumkan nama ibuku untuk semua properti yang mereka miliki. Ia tidak takut tak memiliki apa-apa.

Ketika aku remaja, ia mengerti bahwa aku ingin tampil cantik seperti yang lain. Ia selalu melarangku memakai atau meminjam barang orang lain, dan bertanya apa yang aku butuhkan.

`jangan bangga karena milik orang lain, bangga lah atas apa yang kamu miliki’ selalu begitu nasihatnya setiap kali aku tampak senang karena memakai baju pinjaman temanku. Lalu ia akan memberiku uang agar aku memiliki baju yang kusukai.

Bapakku sudah udzur ketika aku masih sangat muda. Yang kuingat adalah setiap sore ia akan duduk di teras rumah dengan secangkir teh manis hangat di meja kecil di sampingnya. Dan aku akan duduk menemaninya. Matanya menerawang menembus cakrawala sembari bibirnya itu berkisah tentang perjalanannya di masa muda. Ia bertutur tentang sudut-sudut kota, toko-toko tua, penjaja makanan di terminal bahkan sahabat-sahabatnya para penjual jam tangan bekas. Ia menceritakan hal yang sama berulang-ulang, sesekali pantatku terasa panas dan ingin kabur dari sisinya. Namun ceritanya tentang orang-orang itu selalu mempesonakan dan membuatku bertahan di sampingnya.

Ia tahu betul melihat kehidupan dari sisi yang menakjubkan. Bahkan cerita tentang orang-orang di terminal itu selalu saja membuatku terpana hingga mereka menjelma dalam fikiranku sebagai seorang pahlawan, bukan rakyat biasa.

*****

Bapak,
Nikmat sekali berkisah tentangmu di pantai yang indah ini, bahkan bersama lelaki baik hati yang mendengarkanku dengan seksama.
Ketika aku bertutur tentangmu, mataku menembus cakrawala seakan kisahmu itu tertulis di langit dan aku tinggal membacanya sebait demi sebait.

Bapak,
Aku senang sekali ketika ada yang bertanya tentangmu. Berkisah tentangmu adalah berkisah tentang sebagian hidupku. Jika benar bahwa perempuan tercipat dari tulang rusuk lelaki, maka aku memilih tercipta dari sebagian tulang rusukmu.

Bapak,
Hatiku sekarang ketar-ketir, karena ia bertanya tentang kepergianmu.
Pelan-pelan kubawa nafasku pada cerita itu.

*****

Ia meninggal 9 tahun yang lalu, ya, tepatnya bulan September tahun 2002. Jangan tanya bagaimana rasanya, yang kutahu sebagian jiwaku seperti ikut mati bersamanya. Sebagian lagi berusaha mencari nafas dan menegakkan kaki di bumi agar bertahan hidup. Hidup enggan mati tak mau.

Ketika semua orang sibuk mempersiapkan pemakamannya, tamu-tamu berdatangan untuk shalat dan berbela sungkawa, aku justru mengurung diriku di dalam lemari baju bapakku. Hanya di sana aku bias menemukan sisa-sisa bau bapakku. Bau yang khas dari baju-baju usang dan lusuh milik bapakku. Air mataku seperti hujan yang tak menyentuh bumi bertahun-tahun lamanya. Mungkin air mataku saat itu terbuat dari darah, perihnya tak terkira. Untuk pertama kalinya aku meratap pada tuhan, aku ingin aku saja yang dibawa pergi tapi bukan bapakku. Aku ingin menukar nyawaku dengan nyawa bapakku. Tapi tuhan tidak mengabulkan permintaanku.

Pemakaman sempat tertunda karena semua orang menungguku. Semua orang mencariku dan tak dapat menemukanku. Keranda sudah siap diberangkatkan tapi tertahan di luar rumah. Keranda itu menunggu jenazah dinaikan, tapi jenazah itu menungguku untuk membuka dan menatap wajahnya untuk terakhir kalinya.

Adiku yang pertama kali menemukanku di dalam lemari. Ia memelukku erat. Ia tahu pasti yang kurasakan. Kali ini aku merasa dia jauh lebih tua dariku. Dia menjelma menjadi kakak atau mungkin seorang ibu bagiku. Ia menuntunku keluar dari lemari, lalu ibu dan kakak-kakak ku datang menyambutku dengan pelukan dan uraian air mata. Semua mata memandangku – sanak keluarga, tetangga, bahkan orang-orang yang tampak asing bagiku – dalam sekejap mereka mengenaliku dan aku mengenali mereka, sebagian dari mereka adalah orang-orang yang ada di dalam cerita bapakku, orang-orang di terminal dan sudut-sudut kota itu. Dan sekejap mereka mengenaliku, sang anak perempuan yang selalu ada dalam cerita-cerita bapakku dalam perjumpaan mereka di terminal dan sudut-sudut kota itu.

Ibu dan adiku memapahku menuju jenazah, dan tangisku kembali meledak ketika kutatap wajahnya yang putih bersih itu. Kali ini matanya tak terbuka menembus cakrawala. Matanya terkatup rapat namun aku tahu cakrawala telah menembus jiwanya. Bibirnya tak lagi bergerak berkisah tentang perjalanan, kini bibirnya terkatup dengan senyuman yang menenangkan, aku tahu perjalanan itu telah selesai dan memberinya kesenangan yang luar biasa. Kulepas kepergiannya antara rela dan tak rela.

Aku akan merindukan kisah-kisah itu, aku akan merindukan cerita tentang sudut-sidut kota, terminal-terminal dan orang-orang sederhana.

Atau aku akan masuk ke dalam cerita itu dan meneruskan perjalanan bapakku…

*****

Bapak,
Ia memelukku erat sekali ketik air mataku mulai bercucuran.
Kukatakan padanya ia tak perlu khawatir, karena air mata ini bukan tentang kesedihan namun tentang cinta yang luar biasa. Aku membutuhkan air mata ini untuk tahu bahwa ada cinta yang luar biasa untuk ku, bahwa cinta itu nyata.

Bapak,
Senja mulai datang dan langit semakin gelap. Di utara sana, petir mulai bercahaya. Cakrawala berbisik padaku ;
‘hey, sadarkah kau bahwa kini kau meneruskan perjalanan-perjalanan itu?`
Aku pun tertawa lepas, sungguh lepas sekali. Tawa yang membuatnya terkejut hingga keningnya mengernyit. Tak ada kalimat yang keluar dari bibirnya namun aku tahu ada pertanyaan dalam fikirannya.

`You know what, i`m more to my father.`kataku sambil tersenyum.

Kini aku tahu mengapa aku menikmati perjalanan-perjalanan di sudut-sudut kota yang tua, mengobrol di warung-warung kopi dan berbagi tawa di lokalisasi, berjalan di gelap malam dan tetap tertawa sekalipun tersesat dalam perjalananku.

Karena bapakku telah mengalirkan darahnya di dalam darahku. Karena bapaku telah mewariskan kesederhanaannya dalam jiwaku, dan ia telah melukiskan cakrawala di dalam hatiku. Aku tak takut, karena bapak mengajarkanku untuk tidak menjadi penakut. Aku tahu bahwa suatu saat kematianku akan datang dengan sebuah senyuman pertanda cakrawala dan perjalanan itu telah sampai di akhir yang menyenangkan.

Kini aku tahu pula mengapa aku harus melalui jalan yang gelap menuju cahaya. Tempatku bukan di mesjid atau istana. Aku menemukan cahaya itu bersama orang-orang yang terpinggirkan, diantara suara-suara yang tak terdengar, wajah-wajah yang asing dan tak dikenali. Karena aku telah dilatih bapakku untuk mengenali orang-orang sederhana yang membawa cahaya untukku. Mataku telah diajari untuk peka melihat sesuatu yang tak dilihat mata awam. Telingaku telah dilatih untuk peka mendengar lantunan ayat-ayat suci di lorong yang gelap dan berisik.

Kali ini aku sepakat jika mungkin tuhan adalah seorang lelaki, karena ia mengajarkanku tentang hidup lewat ayahku, manusia yang memiliki penis.

*****

Ssttt….
Bapak, aku ingin menceritakan rahasia ini padamu. Aku jatuh cinta pada lelaki ini.
Ah, aku bisa merasakan kamu tersenyum, cakrawala di hatiku menari-nari.

Bapak,
Langit semakin gelap dan rintik hujan memaksa kami berbenah dan berlari kecil di sepanjang pantai.
Aku menggenggam tangannya dan kami bersilat senyum satu sama lain.
Kami harus segera pulang, nanti akan kuceritakan sisa kisahmu padanya.

Selamat malam bapak,

Helen Fisher tells us why we love + cheat

2011-03-31T08:54:00.002+07:00

Helen Fisher studies the brain in love

2011-03-31T08:53:00.006+07:00

We may agree and disagree on this. but still, it's good to know this so we could laughin ourself when we get into the darkness and wept like a baby for what we called as Love :)

Burn the Love and Walk on the Fire

2011-03-24T11:24:00.002+07:00

You're everywhere I go
You're here with me days and nights
I have no fear coz I know you will there for me whenever I fall
It was so real for me till the world convinced me that somethin untouchable and unkissable was'nt real at all
I start to listen my mind, use my logic to positioning you in my life
from real you transformed into ilusion, and I feel stupid to love an imaginery lover
so I burn the love and I walk on the fire

Spirituality, Sexuality & Activism - A contemplation of a Biatch (Part 3)

2011-03-09T02:02:00.002+07:00

Shut the mind and let the heart open

The gecko distracted me. I tried to ignore it but my brain automatically response to it. Everytime i heard the gecko chants, i automatically count it. 1,2, 3...i had 7 if i’m lucky but most of the time i had less.

Ussually i like it. But not at the moment. Counting the gecko’s chant reminds me to somebody. In the last few weeks, i counting the gecko’s chant in his room. The fact that i can not enjoy his pure face before my bedtime makes me feel like i wanna throw a stone to the gecko in my wall.

*****

His name is Matthias, or the white jerk, or the man with an umbrella, or the man who taking pleasure from others pain. No matter who is he. He is the guy who made me laugh, the guy I spent my nite time with in my spiritual journey.

This is the guy which I don’t share the story to anyone but myself and the silence. He is the guy who helped me getting thru a hard time dealing with my emotional needs. Without him knowing this, I must say that I owe him lots of compassion and warmth for the time we spent together.

My first plan is to invite him to my bed when I came to bali. Spend one or two nite together and repeated a glorious sex like we’ve had before in december.

But the universe gimme more than what I expected. It was’nt one or two, its more than a week or I dunno, I don’t even count it. And it was’nt just a glorious sex, it’s an outrageous and passionate sex. It was the sex that makes my mind blur and think not to share it with any others.

Some of the situation is out of controll. A kiss in the morning, phone ringing in the evening asking how i’am and where i’am, kinda makes me nervous. I really like it but in the same time it scared me. I have fear of emotionally attach to him. Somehow it amusing my mind.

*****

It might be ackward, but many times i feel the jealousy. I know it’s stupid. It suppossed to be sexually,not emotionally. Whe two jerks meet, they share passion and lust, not emotion and compassion. But we all know that life sometimes can be so amusing and we can not manage things in perfection.

The last day in bali, i found there’s only 3 condoms left on the table. It suppossed to be 5 not 3. My mind keep to think that he might have sex with somebody else. Once i told him that i dont want him to share sex with anyone, at least untill i go back to jogja. The fact that i cannot find any other condoms makes me crazy but in the same time i tried to calm myself by saying that things not always as we expected. It’s not really working till he came and shows his innocent face. I’m melted.

I remember one nite just before he leave to singapore. It’s hard to close my eyes and let my mind shut. All nite long i wondering him fuck his host in singapore. It takes time to decide wether i should text him or not about this.

I tried to tell to myself : ‘hey inna, just let it be. It happen before and somehow it will happen again and again. Nothin you can do. And it’s not your business anyway!’

And then i heard the other part of me saying this ridiculous lines : ‘ Aha!! Your jealous. Damn, this is not the way supposse to be. You should pass this, maybe a kiss from stranger will heal you’

It’s quite hard time, all nite long my brain break into pieces, an my mind drives me crazy.

Finally,at 4am i send him a stupid lines:
‘ Maybe it sounds weird and ugly. But i hope you dont fuck your host in sing.’

He don’t even response to it, Great !!!
I wonder he smile and feel so proud to makes me this way,Fuck!

*****

This kind of situation is an emergency. As a slut, i have to keep everything on the line. And to be true, at this point i need suggestions.

So, the next day i invite some slut friends for a slut conversation.

‘ It seems that my slut carreer is over.’ I start the conversation.

‘ I have issue at the moment and need your suggestion. I really like the sex but the energy seems moving to be emotional and i dont like it. I continued.

I ask everyone what a slut do’s and dont’s. Especially what the slut male do’s and dont’s. Just to make sure that the situation is not the part of a slut male game which i will hate.

‘ Damn, you fear of emotionally attachment. Sometimes it happen, dont worry. Just ignore it’ One of the male slut react to me.

The other slut suggest me to follow the line and see what’s happen, i just need to make sure that everything under controll and leave as soon as possible if it’s gettin worst.

We had a really nice conversation. We talk for more than 3 hours, spent 5 bottle of beers. Two sluts opinion lead me to a conclusion not to follow the mind an tryin to be relax and enjoy it. Not to make any movement and not to be reactive to all those emotional stuffs.

My ex-boyfriend told me almost the same : ‘ If the guy is getting to your nerves just leave, but if he doesn't have a big effect on you than keep him for sex. Life is exciting, isn't it?’

*****

In the next few days, I found a message on my inbox. A message that makes me smile. Once i reply it following my mind. But after a session of heart meditation and i start to listen my heart, i know it was such ridiculous response from me. So i send another message : ‘oh, forget what i said. sure you can do whatever you want. ignore what i said,it comes from stupid mind.’

Heart meditation leads me to the state that heart is free from anger, jealousy, hatred or any other negative emotions. Heart only recognize happiness, peace and love. When we follow only the mind, negative emotions comes to the feeling.

So i decided not to follow the mind but follow the heart. Shut the mind and let the heart open. I will accept all those beautifu moments and be receptive to compassion and the warmth, and not let the mind taking control over myself.

To be continued...

Spirituality, Sexuality & Activism - A contemplation of a Biatch (Part 2)

2011-03-09T02:01:00.000+07:00

Ubud and Yoga Classes

I arrived in ubud, thursday evening february 3rd. It’s quite amusing time because i arrived there without plan, and debi did not come with me. My friend who have the house in ubud did not reply my message, i have no idea where it is and who have the key of the house. So i decided to find cheap room. With the list of budget hostel in my hand, i spent few hours to get a nice place to stay for a few nights.

I decided to stay at Three’s Dewi Guest House, not really cheap but i really like the view surrounding by the ricefield. Theres’s small garden infront of my room, a perfect place for yoga and meditation in the morning. The best thing is because the owner gimme 40% discount for the room.

Friday, February 4th

I wake up early in the morning, the sun comes to my window. I spent few hours doing yoga and meditation. My breakfast came at 8am. I love the way the put they put lime on the fruit salad.

I walk thru a small road surrounding by rice-field. My first destination is Bumi Sehat Clinic in Jl.Nyuh Kuning. Susan Yanow and Diana Whitten, my friends from Women on Waves, recommend me to come to this clinic and meet Robin Lim, an american lady who run the clinic. Based to their information, it seems that set up a dialogue with Robin Lim will help our works on expanding the network on reproductive health issues, especially on abortion issues.

I’m not lucky that day. Unfortunately Robin Lim is sick and can not meet me. Instead of leaving the clinic without having any information, i finally talk to her staff about my work. We spent about an hour talking about the clinic, my work and abortion issue in general. I made another appointment to meet Robin Lim.

My first class of Yoga is on Friday at The Yoga Barn. I’m the only indonesian in the class. I really enjoy the class, except the fact that the instructure is a super handsome guy. Well, off course i like handsome guy, but a handsome yogi is not what i need when i start my yoga class.

Once he reminds me to calm my mind if i want to balance my body in some poses. I feel like wanna yell at him, how could i calm my mind while he came to my fantasies. Sorry, i can not handle my libido. I’m too vulnerable to a handsome yogi. I remember when im landing in delhi in 2009, i have to go to the restroom because i found myself so wet after 1,5 hour in the flight with a yogi.

Since then, i decided not to take any yoga class with a male instructure otherwise i will spent my money on fantasizing my libido than seriously learn yoga and meditation.

*****

Everyday i take two or three classes in many different yoga studio. As indonesian with limited budget i have to be smart to choose yoga studio which provide special price for local or based on donation. Healthy breakfast relly help my body to keep fit all day long. Taking two or three classes per day is not easy for my body. One thing that i like from yoga practice is the fact that i feel more connected with my body, i listen my body carefully and my body communicate well with the mind.

My favorite yoga classes is ‘Exploring Yoga’ with Linda Madani at Intuitiveflow Sanctuary, ‘Venus Yoga’ with Shivani at The Yoga Barn and ‘Vinyasa’ with Heather at Taksu. Not only Yoga, another classes like ‘The Awakening Voice’, ‘Heart Chakra Meditation’ and ‘Tibetan Bowl Meditation’ also my favorite.

I spent most of the time alone in the homestay. i dont want to meet people and going to the party. I skipped many events and party and prefer to practice or read a book. It’s quite weird. Ussually i want to meet new people, talking and sharing about life and many things. But this time, i dont have any passion to do that. I really enjoy being alone, look back and re-thinking my life. I criticize myself a lot. It’s good to be away from home, works and daily routine so i can see myself clearly within distance. i have to celebrate my life, also accepting that i makes many mistakes.

To be continued...

Spirituality, Sexuality & Activism - A contemplation of a Biatch (Part 1)

2011-03-03T03:03:00.003+07:00

Burn Out, Deby and Bitching Time

In the beginning of January I had a hard time dealing with office, works and myself. I found my self burn out when the storm hit the office. I run to my dear girl friend, Deby, and spent days at her place. Everytime I came home I start to cry loud out. I hate every inch of the house, I hate every inch of office that reminds me to the hurts feeling.

Deby accompany me thru this periode. She is such an easy going person. While I cry and complaining about my situation, she keep laughing at me. It seems that the situation gives advantages for her. I never have time for her because of my works, but in this situation I will spent most of my time with her. She reminds me to my plan about Yoga and Meditation, which I always passionated about. I always wants to go to Nepal or Tibet, but Bali will be okay too. In this situation I will have more time to do it. With her, I decided to fly to Bali and spent some time in Ubud. She booked the ticket for us.

Now I have the ticket. But have no idea where to stay and which ashram and yoga studio to go. When there’s a will there’s always a way. In the next few days I met many people that gives me recommendation and offering me a place to stay in Ubud. So, I have the ticket, I know which studio to go and I have a license to stay at my friend house in Ubud. Yippiiee !

But still, I’am a bitch. I want to spent some bitching time before my spiritual and healing time 

*****

Wherever I go, I will take the painting of Rino with me. This painting is more than just a paper with an ugly color. This painting is like my 2^nd soul, my healer, my wedding ring. Something that I will look at when my heart broken, when I feel the loneliness comes and burn my tears. Something I will talk to when I need to release the pain so can feel that Rino is there for me.

This time I decided not to take the painting with me. I’m coming to bali not only for healing my soul but also to be disattached from everything related to Rino. I want to burn this love and heal my heart. When I came back from bali, I want to be more energetic, motivated and disconnected from Rino.

I want to move on and do not look back.

*****

I remember when first time I came to bali in the end of January, tryin to spent bitching time thru blind date with a swedish guy. Think it would be fun to spent few days with him before I start my yoga time. We spent few weeks flirting and talking over the phone. But as Ani Himawati told me, the impression thru the phone might be different in reality. For this case, I’ts quite true.

Heart will never lies. This guy waiting for me when I arrived in bali. And somehow I lost the excitement in the same time. I need few hours to play hide and seek around the airport to decide wether I have to meet him or not. Somehow, it’s a sign that It won’t working. i tell him that I’m wearing black jeans and red shirt but did’nt tell him that I’m wearing a jacket. So I following him in confusion searching me. Then I leave him in the crowd to have a cup of coffee in the corner. Because of my poor rationale and feels it would be bad to make somebody waiting in vain, I finally text him and tell where I’am. He came and we had a fun and sexy conversation.

We spent one nite in kuta. The next day, I still expecting it would be fun. Goin thru breakfast and conversation. Well, it’s nice. But the fact that he refuse to use condom makes me sick. I can not continue this, I said to myself. So, that day I decided to leave. I ask him to drop me somewhere in seminyak. All plan cancelled.

*****

So, here I’am in seminyak in warung Ocha. Waiting for somebody else to come and pick me up. Another guy in my list.

I meet him last december in Yogyakarta. we spent a week of glorious sex. Luckily, he’s in Bali at the moment. I sent him message before I came to Bali, an invitation to my bed and spent one or two nights repeated the sex. Yeah, I have to say that i‘m sexually attached to him. And if there’s any chance I won’t regret to repeat it again and again.

But this is not the situation that I expected. In the contrary, I’m the one who will occupied his bed. He supposed to be my second bitching time, not an emergency bitching escape.

He showed up in the afternoon. And I’m so happy to see him again. It’s been more than a month but he as warm as before, and I don’t feel any nervous or doubts. So relax and open to him. I told him what happen about my blind date and somehow I have no plan for the next few days before I leave to Ubud.

So we heading to his place in sanur. And Yes !! in the next few days I had an outrageous sex and uncounted orgasm. Love it!

*****

February 1st, Deby arrived in Bali. She stay with Rachma. We met in one afternoon. As she a good friend of mine in the last 11 years, she recognizing the bright eyes and smiling face of mine. We had an argument. She insist that I’m fallin in love while I’m insist that the smiling face comes from regular orgasms. Too much oxytocin makes me happy, calm and shining. Some people recognize it as fallin in love while to me is not more than biochemical process. To her, fallin in love is a bad sign when we supposed to spent our holiday together.

Yes, we had fight and she decided to go back to Jogja earlier. In the end, I’m heading to Ubud by myself. She might forgot, even it was great sex but I would’nt break my plan for Ubud which is my main destination in Bali.

Nevermind. It was’nt our first arguments. Like a sister, we hate and yelling each other but love is always there in the heart.

To be continued…

Tìbetan Bowls & Zen Flute Medìtatìon wìth Swamì Arun

2011-02-22T14:39:00.002+07:00

The Awakening (Part 3)

2011-02-22T13:39:00.001+07:00

Early morning on Friday, the same day before i went to venus yoga workshop, i text Swami Arun.

‘Good morning, it’s inna who came to your class last nite. When I arrived home I had intense sore in my back, head, neck and leg. I would love to do healing but im in limited budget. Thank you for sitting next to me, I feel blessed.’

He replied me with his warm lines. After a few conversation, we agree to do the healing that nite 9pm in my place. I’m so exciting, I ill have two special session today ; Venus Yoga and Tibetan Bowl Massage Healing.

*****

It was 8.50pm when I realized that I don’t have enough money for the donation. Eventough he told me I can pay by donation, I still feel it’s not appropriate to give small donation for his work. So I decided to go the ATM.

My mobile ringing when I arrived to my homestay, I saw him standing infront of my room.

‘Hey, im here. Sorry late’ I talk to him staright and hang up the phone.

‘So, where we do it? Here in the pavilion or inside?’ I ask him while welcoming him into the room.

‘Inside, because we will do the massage.’ He replied.

In the next few minutes, we both sitting in the bed.

‘so, you told me that you have question, what is it?’ he start the conversation.

Shortly I described him what happen to me in the last few years, all this shaking and sensitivity to music and nature, those vivid dream about Javanese history, spontaneous dancing and yoga poses, also some mystical experienced. I told him that all these makes me in confusion, this is one of the reason why I came to ubud, to find out what’s happen to me.

He response in such ridiculous way. It shocked me.

`Can you read my mind?’ He ask.

I shooked my head.

‘If you can no read my mind, how can I know what happen to you. Only you who know what happen?’ He explained, not in compassionate way.

‘But I only ask, maybe you know some signs?’ I said.

‘You feeling lonely, you feeling sad, but it doesn’t mean you can come here and play this game.’ He said.

‘What you mean playin this game?’ I ask again.

‘You came to these classes, and ask me or another person about this. You definitely playin game.’ He replied.

‘ I know I feel lonely, but it’s not true if I play this game. And I don’t ask this to many people, I ask to some guru why im shaking after meditation and they said just ignore it. That’s it. I don’t tell anyone else the whole story. I just tell and ask to you.’ I start to cry.

‘See, you playin this game. Up to you. You can play it or not play it. Im not a master. If you serious you can go to Ratu Bagus.’

‘Yes, I heard about him. I sent message since January and no reply. I try to call but not connect.’ I said.

‘See, you’re not serious. You waiting for this. If you serious, go there.’

‘Ok, I leave. Inna, bye-bye. Bless you.’ He continued, stand up and picking his stuff.

‘How about the therapy?’ I ask before he leave

‘The energy is different, it’s not the same energy like last nite. You don’t need this anymore.’ He replied, then leave me crying alone in this room.

*****

To be true, it’s really hurts. How can he judge me that way. Think that I’m playin game? He don’t even know how I’am, he don’t even know how I struggle to be here, he don’t even know how difficult to me to understanding all these weird years. I don’t even feel he really listen to me.

I’m so disappointed. He’s not the same person like the night before. The warm person and compassionate, the person who makes me cry because of his warm and smooth vibrations.

All that words, intonations and body language are not the things I expected comes from a guru. Or maybe I’m too much. He just a human.

That night I sent an email to Shivani, told her what happen that night. I don’t understand why things become like this. Is it because of him, or because of me, or because the vibration of my energy after a full day workshop of Venus Yoga?

I cry all nite till I fall asleep.

The Awakening (Part 2)

2011-02-22T07:46:00.004+07:00

Part 2. Venus Yoga Workshop

‘My name is Inna. Im here to follow my heart and be open to whatever the universe prepared for me. What challenging to me is dealing with judgment as a strong and independent woman. I hate being judged this way. I work hard to show that im not strong. The word 'strong' put me as invicible person so that people neglected my emotional and personal needs. My work as activist and counselor also a big challenge that give joys.’

That's my introduction at the first session of venus yoga. We all sitting in a circle in a colourful living room of Christine Wright. 8 goddesses will explore and share their spirituality. I’m the only girl from Indonesia, we are all come from many different countries which makes me happy to know that women wherever they come from are the same and connected to each other.

Shivani,our guru will guide us thru a full day workshop. She's not only workin with our physical needs, she also put attention to our emotional needs and feminity to improve our wellnessa as a beings.

'So you dont like the word 'strong', how if we use the word 'vulnerable', do you think ok?' She ask.

I nodded.

'When my guru rub my hair last nite,i start to cry. I've just realized that i really miss and needed the warm feeling and compassion. I dont remember when the last time i feel those feeling. Im busy giving love and sharing compassion with others, make sure that my clients have enough support and treatment while i dont let myself receive love and compassion. I feel lonely inside. I want people ask how i'am, how i'am doing and how i feel' i continued

'hmm,so what you need at the moment is to receive' she replied.

I nodded and my tears flows into my cheek. The goddesses look at me with their warm eyes.

*****

It such a wonderful moment to be with 7 goddesses in the Venus Yoga Workshop. Shivani guide us thru yoga, meditation, sharing and dancing to heal our heart, to meet our true-self and feminity.

There’s one game where shivani put a slayer in the floor and everyone of us walk to find it with eye closed. I stop a few inch away from the layer. Everyone have two chances to walk and get the slayer. Before the second one, shivani take us into the room and whispering this lines :

‘The key is trust. when you feel the trust that the universe will support you, then you start walkin.`

I took me so long to feel the trust before walkin and get the slayer. When I stop and open my eyes, the slayer even far more than the first one.

‘What you feel about this related to your life? You can write it down on your note.’ Shivani ask.

To be true, its hard for me to feel the trust, I tried to but as Shivani said ‘Try and Feel’ is different. We can not try to trust, we feel it. It took me so long before I walk because I can not feel the trust. Related to real life, I still feel the hurts of being neglected. I still feel the hurts when my friends and colleagues not there when I really needed them, so how could I trust that the universe will support me?

This is just a part of Venus Yoga, we had even more challenging and fun time. Sometimes we laugh, sometimes we cry, sometimes we dance. All the goddesses share their warmth and compassion.

My favorit session is the dance session, I feel sexy and being joy with my body. All the goddesses express them selves thru the dance, touching their body like there’s no else body as beauty as the body belong to them. When we connect with the body, we can feel the power of sensuality light out from the body, with bright eyes and big smile. We celebrate our feminity and sexuality.

I’m glad that finally I went to the workshop. It’s not cheap for me, a full day workshop cost a week of my budget but I feel its worthed enough. After 2 weeks changing classes and tryin many kind of Yoga, I finally found Yoga that fit into my needs, my personality, even fit into my works. When I came back to jogja, I want to share this with my lovely friends, wishing them to experienced the same deep feeling and joy like we all have at this moments.

The Awakening (Part 1)

2011-02-20T15:05:00.002+07:00

Part 1. Tibetan Bowl Meditation Class.

Tibetan bowl swinging in the air
I close my eyes and let my mind and body to receive whatever the universe gift to me

I fall into peaceful state of mind
I marked every details of faces, smiles,sounds, conversations and spaces that comes to vision
I flows into the rythm

..and my body shaking

He touch my forehead, making a circle massage on my third eye, i can feel a warm energy flowing into my skin. I received it as a blessing, i let my pores open and the nerves brings the joy into the whole body.

I smile while my eyes clossed.

..and my body shaking again

He rub my hair, slow and smoothly. I dont reject. I celebrates every second of the warm feeling. I can hear the music flows in the air, i follow into the light.

...and my body shaking again and again

His hand warming up every inch of my hair, then my tears drops while my eyes still closed.
Every touch he made reminds me to the warm feeling of being compassionate.

'What's your name?' he ask.
I tried to answer but my mind can't reach my body. The more i tried the more my body shakin
He keep rubbing my hair, even longer and smooth, even more my tears melted into my cheek.

'Come back slowly' He said.
'Take a long and deep breath,slowly' He continue.

I follow his voice, i take a long and deep breathes, the air come along with the mind go thru the whole body. I can feel my hand, my leg, my eyelid, i shake my finger and feel it real.

I open my eyes and saw him sit next to me, i tried to recognize him in the darkness.

'Whats your name?' he ask again
'I..n..n..a' i recall my name
'Ok, inna. Take a deep breath and retake your energy.' He speak in a gentle voice.
I noted.

Inhale and exhale, i try to be aware to my body while my mind tryin to remember when was the last time i feel the warmth, safe, worth and compassionated.

I've just realized that i did'nt receive all those pretty things for so long.

I look surounding me and shocked, nobody in the room but me and him. Everybody leavin, the nite so lame and shy. I can not hide my expression.

'Its okay, takes your time.' He said

I can't. I get up and packing my stuff.

I ask few questions before i leave and he listening and answering me affectionated. He gave me his name card in case i need a private session.

I check my watch and shocked, its 10.15am. The class finished at 9am. I feel blessed to know that he sat next to me for hours. I thankful to have him as my guru.

I ride with warm heart. Full moon shining and guide me home.

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