My Forest Haven

My new Blog

2017-09-13T08:08:00.002-04:00

I have absolutely loved writing this blog, and I cannot thank all of you enough for your friendship, comments, support, and for reading all of these years. It's taken me quite a while to get to this place in my journey and find my way back to blogging. As you know, I've tried several times and it's just been very hard for me to start again... to regain my voice.

I had thought about giving up blogging altogether, honestly.

But finally, things fell into place, made sense to me, and I realized it's time to start a new.

I welcome all of you to join me at my new blog, www.thechronicfarmgirl.com and on Facebook!

I'm excited to blog, Vlog, and share photos of the animals, and farm. A lot has been happening. I'll be writing and vlogging about chronic illness but also the farm, my animals, the changes and challenges here, new adventures. I really hope you'll join me on this next phase of my journey.

And again, I have been so happy to have shared so much of my life here at Our Forest Haven over the years with you.

Love,

Donna

Thank you.

2017-07-11T13:09:00.002-04:00

Writing to me is like breathing. It's part of life. Whether I'm sharing it or not, I write constantly, and when it's flowing, I feel like I'm really living. When it's blocked, I feel like I'm sick. Like I'm struggling for breath.

Sometimes it's very easy for me to share what I write, but more often, it's not. It was Kevin who told me to be more honest with my writing in the blog - to share some of my writing that wasn't just about the animals or farm updates because I was beyond hesitant. And even then, once he convinced me, it took me forever to decide if I wanted to share certain things, and I made him read them multiple times. He told me a hundred times, "the people who want to read it will, and the ones who don't, won't. You write from your heart and that's all that matters."

It's been harder for me to write with him gone. I mean, at times the words flow easily, but to share it... it's a struggle. I've wanted to share. And when I read messages from some of you wonderful people out there, thanking me for writing, or telling me it encourages you, or gives you something, even if just five minutes of enjoyment out of a day... I cannot tell you how much that moves me, or means to me. I know what it's like to be moved by words, I constantly am, and I cannot imagine life without good books, good poetry... good writing. So I get it. And it's beyond motivational and humbling to hear that anything I write has touched your hearts, or made you smile.

I can never say it enough, but thank you, to each of you, old and new readers, who take the time to visit the blog, read my words, share in my joys, sorrows, accomplishments, losses, changes, challenges... Those of you who know my animals by name, who have offered support, kind words, and even those of who you do not comment but read - I'm grateful for each of you, and the time you take to spend sharing this journey with me. I've always been grateful to be able to share it, and my voice, and you also help remind me why I do, and how important it is to do so - that it's something bigger than just me writing words and sending them off into the wind, hoping they land somewhere important, where someone will read them.

Some of you might have tried to message me over time and I apologize if I haven't responded, I haven't had access to my old email for a very long time. My new email is myforesthaven @ outlook.com

One thing I can say I have never had to deal with, or cannot remember having dealt with, is overgrown pastures, fence lines, and just general weed invasion, other than in the garden. Not long after I moved to this forest farm with Kevin, and ever since, there have been animals here. But in the past years, my empty, untended pastures, fence lines, buildings... it's amazing how quickly everything comes back, takes over, and is in need of TLC. I've kept up what I could, but even before Kevin passed away, things were needing a lot of maintenance that had gotten way behind... The list was already larger and it's basically just gotten bigger, minus the basic things I've been able to keep up with because I've had no choice, like maintaining equipment to keep the road open, cleaning the chimney, keeping things from freezing, and breaking, and etc.

But otherwise, things are getting over grown, everything needs painted... the coop, the barn, the house. The house being painted needed to be done 5, 6, years ago. The decks I've done some repairs on but they need more. Every single tire on every machine here I've had to put a tube in or replace altogether. I've replaced more appliances than I care to list. The eaves on the house still need painting and repairing. It's almost time for the septic to be pumped again... the roof is coming up for repair. You name it. It's been on the list, and that list just keeps growing. Having a home, let alone a farm, and a bush one at that, requires a ton of up keep and work.

It is of course impossible to just catch up and do it all at once, physically or financially, so of course it's one small step at a time.

Inside the house has never been completed either, and there is a huge list of projects and repairs and finish work needing done. I've done several small projects, most out of necessity, some to improve things, some to change things since I've been living in limbo for so long here. But again, the list is big and ever growing.

My three little Nigerians are helping with clean up of the one pasture - they are not very big and although they have big appetites, they can only eat so much... but they are doing their best to help clear the fence lines and eat up all the things that never saw the light of day in those pastures because they were always full of goats and sheep... like sumac.

There is absolutely no shortage of food for them. Or work.

I cannot believe how high everything is - it's like a jungle up there!

Ed and his daughter, Adeline, have been working when they can to help clear up some of the sumac's around the house that were completely taking over, and also keep the lawn cut and the lawn mower running which is a huge task.

And since I'm unable to use the big garden because of my health, Ed mowed and weed whacked so that the chickens could safely use the big yard, and we can see them from the house. Next up the coop needs proper repairs, and painting... it's not been painted in several years so it's in desperate need and not just for aesthetics, but so it does not rot or deteriorate. It was the first building ever built when I moved here, and it's held up quite well actually. I'm really excited to show you the color I picked when we are done painting! The girls are loving having such a huge yard all to themselves. Well, them and the ground hog family living there.

Our usual family of geese that come back to our pond every year were here and had babies again this spring.

We have had so much rain all spring it was difficult waiting for it to be dry enough to mow the lawn (which the geese prefer since it's safer for them to bring their young into the yard then.) Things were really growing fast.

It was a very good spring for turtles though! We've had plenty of activity on the farm and they appreciated all the extra rain and mud.

We also had a nest of Robins in our wood box, which was great fun to watch. They grew up safely....

And then when they were too big for the nest and ready, they all flew off. It was pretty adorable.

Because of all the rain I knew it would be a good year for morel mushrooms but I kept looking and not finding any... because they were super late! It was early June before we found them, but when we did - we found A BUNCH!!

We have had less deer activity than usual - however we do have a few Does still hanging around thankfully. I am hoping as summer progresses, we'll start to see them around the house more again.

As I mentioned in my last post, I was doing a lot of painting, and I've started working with painting furniture too... I have a lot of projects backed up now with this current flare I'm in and with my energy even lower than usual.

I was really enjoying fixing up some old pieces and sewing new cushions... I hope I'll be able to spend some more time at it soon.

I was also really enjoying bringing my homemade candles, soaps, salves, and goodies to the out door market too...

The boys and my helpers were also enjoying it.

It was fun to get out and chat with people.

And if you were the boys, just sit back and relax.

I absolutely cannot tolerate the heat and all the prep work was pretty hard on me, like I said... I miss it though and had been hoping to do it all summer. But I'd like to get an online shop set up, so at least I can still share some of the goodies I've been making.

I've been sewing pillows by hand like crazy, it's a great distraction from pain, and also it feels so good whenever I'm being creative. These nature pillows are my favorite set so far.

Even Rollie has been amazed at the ever growing stack of pillows.

I really need to set up my online shop.... because this isn't even all of them!

The girls have had some extra company this week... uninvited...

This guy decided to stop by. Rollie does not take lightly to attempted chicken murders, he has taken over as "guard" dog and chipmunks and raccoons are at the top of his hit list.

Of course we moved this guy and we'll hope for the best. All the girls get locked up in the evening. The one night we were at the emergency room until well after dark, we did loose one hen. A neighbor came to lock them up for us, but our younger girls would not all go in.

Overall the predators have been down in number around the house, but with no livestock here for so long, they haven't had much reason to hang around. There's been no real food, or plants, or anything to lure them specifically to the house.

The garbage clean up I've been doing for over a year has been mind blowing and I'm not done. I've had numerous helpers, a dumpster, multiple car loads given to Goodwill, and I still have a few trailer loads to go - ready to go that is... there is still more to be sorted. The work has been completely overwhelming. But I've steadily been making progress at it.

So many things have been changing, it's been a bit of a whirlwind. And as I've said a dozen times, the future is still uncertain. But what I do know is, things are moving forward. And despite the unknowns, and the lack of my health, I am looking forward to the future, and while I have no idea most of the time how I'll accomplish things, or take care of us... I know I'll figure it out, and that's something I haven't felt so certain of in a very long time.

This entire time I've spent worrying how I would keep us moving forward and safe... I've been doing it without even realizing it.

Kevin told me a million times, If you want something bad enough, you do it. You find a way. It might be a different way than you envisioned, but there is always a way.

So many things will change, and my health is always going to limit me... but giving up on all of my dreams, and my way of life, which is something that seemed inevitable... is just not an option I realize. It will have to change.... but I will find the way to make it work.

At the farm...

2017-07-08T10:16:00.002-04:00

I'm not sure if the first thing you'll notice about this post is the new look I'm working on for the blog, or what's in this picture.

As I wrote on my updated "about me" page, it's taken me a long time to decide whether I wanted to continue writing the blog, quit writing altogether, or start a brand new blog. The only thing that made sense was to continue or quit - but my heart has needed time to adjust.

I have of course continued to write, and I've written plenty, and I've tried to make multiple efforts to begin blogging again, consistently... but they have failed. My health does not help - but that's not been the main reason. The main reason has been, my heart and body adjusting to change, to accepting the past, present, and remembering to continue to be hopeful for the future. Many, many, good things have happened, and I continue to heal. My health continues to fight me, and it always will. It's going to be complication for the rest of my life and more of a complication than I ever wanted or dreamed of, and to be honest, as much as I write about being strong through all of this, and trying to focus on the good (and I do) I have been still, in a lot of denial, about just how bad it is, and just how dangerous it is, and that most of the diseases I have been diagnosed with are degenerative. And the complications have been and can be... well... staggering. Twice this past week I almost completely blacked out in public, away from home. If I had been alone, I have no idea what would have happened. My sight is failing from the damage to my eyes, there is damage to my organs, my esophagus. I will never be able to properly eat solid foods because my stomach muscles and nerves are paralyzed, leading me to possibly needing a feeding tube... on top of the several immune suppressant medications I continue to take daily and also inject. And unfortunately I have become dependent on steroids, prednisone, as my adrenal glands will not take over functioning as I try to wean.

Just this past week my dentist was shocked that in two months I went from zero problems with my teeth to multiple major spots of decay. But it's from the almost daily vomiting, and complete lack of saliva because those glands, they are being destroyed.

In the past 10 days I managed five visits to the Emergency room, which is a record, even for me.

This is just a brief glimpse into what I'm working through. It's not even half of the side effects or symptoms, but I share this just because this is my reality. Right now, and always. I do know there is much hope we'll get things under better control, we'll find better meds, I'll find better ways to manage the pain and fatigue, and my symptoms. I know that. But I still forget, very easily, I will not magically wake up some day and have my old self back. It's just never going to happen. And my youth, it doesn't care about me or how old I am, or how I was before. This is my reality now.

But at the farm, despite the things that are still up in the air, that are still on my shoulders...

We have goats!!

There are three little goats back at the farm, for Max to guard, for me to snuggle. I feel so much happier already, so much more hopeful, and like myself than I have in so very long.

Violet, Sunny, and Klaus, named after the Baudelaire children from Lemony Snicket's, A series of Unfortunate events books, are all Nigerian Dwarf goats. Klaus and Violet are kids, but Sunny is a very small, two years old. They are all very sweet, especially Klaus. Sunny has some mite issues and needs fattening up, but those are easy things to remedy. Violet is a skittish one, but hopefully Klaus and Sunny will calm her. Sunny is very adorable, bossy with the kids because finally she is the boss of someone, and Klaus is of course a real cuddler as most bucklings are.

I am so, so, happy, to have goats back in my life.

And there are hens and fresh eggs!

As I'm sure you'll notice, there is also a groundhog in this picture, eating breakfast with the hens... he has since also moved his girlfriend in, and why not... free food, a safe place to live, nice view... obviously he's not threatened by us because he comes out to have breakfast right in front of us without a care in the world!

There is also a man in my life (a human one), who met me during a flare and has only known me, sicker than even usual, yet somehow here he is. Our third date he showed up here in the night and carried me to the bathroom because I was unable to walk.

Our "dating" was trips for CT scans and Dr's appointments, and he's driven me to dozens... and he's spent a whole lot of time in multiple ERs with me and helping me through pain when I thought I wasn't going to make it. I've been very grateful, and surprised for his presence in my life. He is a city boy too, originally from Holland, but quickly growing to love country life, and also goats. He had no idea just how easy it is to fall madly in love with these little bundles of cuteness. But he's learning fast. Somehow during all of this, I have ended up with him in my life, supporting me, and his little girl, who has sat beside me while I'm being sick, lied with me in bed when I can't get up and do anything else.

I'm very grateful to have them both in my life.

I've been doing tons of sewing and crafts to keep me occupied as I've been down so much, and earlier in the spring I started attending a flea market which was a lot of fun... but my body couldn't handle it... every Saturday I went it sent me into a flare which caused me to be extra sick for days and the last time I went about three and half weeks ago, I went into a flare I have not come out of at all, even with massive increases in my steroids and all my ER visits, so I haven't been able to go back.

At the farm, we have been continuing to clean up which is a huge job. There has been so much to do, and still is. There was so much we were behind on before (over the past several years) and then since it's been just me, more jobs have fallen behind. There is a lot that needs tending, basic clean up but also painting, and things around the house that have all fallen to me. They will get done though, I know, as time and money allows.

And so, the story continues, and there is life here, at Our Forest Haven....

and slowly, I am switching from just surviving, and just living in survival mode...

To actually living again.

It's time.

Survival Vs.Resilience

2017-06-18T11:30:00.002-04:00

*This is one of the many blog posts I wrote but did not publish over the past years. There has been a lot, and I will share much in time, and I have a book in me screaming to be written. About the past, the present, the future. I hope I can find the strength and way to share those words with you someday. For now, I read this, and something told me to share this... now.

I was going to write a post about what is happening now, and I will. There is much to share, much to say.

But for now, for today....

There is this.

Please note, It's not been edited.*

Survival Vs. Resilience....

Doesn't always roar. Sometimes, courage is just opening your eyes each morning.

I've been dealing with a lot of neurological issues. Tremors, memory problems. I am on a lot of different medications, I've been in a terrible flare up, and I have 80 different things on the go. My specialists have been working with me, and aside from the inflammatory bowel disease which is still out of control they believe I have a secondary autoimmune issue such as lupus, and also, Sjogrens, which is a wonderful thing where your immune system attacks your glands and stops your ability to make saliva and tears.

But through the past couple of weeks of hospital visits, various tests, and driving 6 hrs at a time to see specialists... It dawned on me one night, have I even stopped to allow myself the time to accept the amount of stress I am under? My Doctors are all fully aware. I mean I am aware of the stress, but I have to stay alive, stay functioning, and I don't give myself credit for the size of the mountain I am climbing.

In the past year, 6 months, I have completely lost my health. Almost died. Lost my husband traumatically and suddenly, had to rehome my animals, have been in complete financial jeopardy, and will be needing to move from my home.

Because I internalize stress, I'm doing a lot of harm to my already sick and overloaded body. My immune system has been going insane, attacking me. My joints have swollen, the inflammation inside of my body is active, my eyes swelled shut, my neck doubled in size and I couldn't swallow. These are some fun things caused by a mixture of medications, autoimmune diseases flaring, but also.

Stress.

A lot of people say to me when they don't even know the half of it... "I wouldn't even be able to get out of bed."

A lot of days I can't because I'm sick. But even some times I am amazed at my resilience. I don't say this to pat myself on my back. I say this because I am getting out of bed, and mentally although I wish every single day this was not happening to me, I am working through it and I remain hopeful somehow.

I say this because it's a great reminder that our spirits and hearts are stronger and more resilient than we ever expect them to be.

I stood in the sun porch amidst the debris of the fall. The air was warm on my skin, and I could hear the Red Winged Blackbirds singing, the ducks calling in the pond. When I had help here in the fall, in the rush of grief and trying to be helpful while I had people here to do it, all of my summer porch things got pushed inside the sun room, along with other things that were just in the way in the house. It's kind of a jumble around me now.

But I turn my back to it and look at the pond. I see movement by the edge of it, along the yard. It's a Muskrat.

Marvin.

I named all the animals around the house, Marvin the Muskrat. Bob the beaver. Greg the Groundhog. Chester the chipmunk. Kevin took to calling all of these animals by those names, so if he saw a Muskrat he'd say "there's a Marvin." The Muskrat is working on his house, bringing in weeds and spring cleaning, which is exactly what I have the urge to do in this warm weather.

But instead, I find myself crying. It's surreal to be standing in this spot, in my home, looking at the pond, at Marvin... alone. I never once imagined myself having the occasion to do so and for that I am grateful, because it's awful. The pain is one that I know only time will help ease the burden of. And I tell myself, "sit with this pain, don't just wish it away." I have been trying to be much stronger than I feel, and it's worked very well for me in some ways, but in others it's done me plenty of harm. And in a lot of ways I feel like I am just starting to grieve and that is because I have just started to allow to seep in the reality of his absence. I've had so much distraction. It's been stress and chaos and some distraction that I created purely for myself so that I would survive this long.

Now this sadness washes over me. And I tell myself, let it. I have spent much time refusing to let myself cry, wallow, or sit with my grief. I'm too strong for that, I had too much to do.

The real reason is I was afraid it would kill me if I let it take too much of me. But I realize now not allowing oneself to feel their emotions fully is no answer. And as painful as this grief, this feeling of loss, loneliness, emptiness, that can never, ever, be filled, is... I know I suffer this great pain because of great love.

And even in my pain, I realize how beautiful that is.

How fortunate I am to suffer because I loved so much, and someone loved me so much in return.

That is a gift.

And in my suffering I remember him. I know he doesn't want me crying, or in pain, but it cannot be helped. We live on in the memories of those who loved us - that's always our legacy. Be it our children, our friends, strangers who remember us for something we did for them, or said. We live on in a million tiny little ways.

The memories don't hurt, but the absence does. I would never have made it at all without my animals, but especially the dogs who are with me every minute of the day, who go everywhere with me, who curl up with me to sleep, and who wake me every morning. Without them I would have never gotten out of bed any morning let alone every single one.

And life remains beautiful. Spring is beautiful. Bringing with her renewal, music, new growth.

A chance for new life.

For new love.

New dreams.

New memories.

New moments.

Life....

It finds a way.

Accepting the unknown...

2017-02-10T09:07:00.002-05:00

It's much easier said than it is actually done... to find acceptance, or at least some semblance of it.

For a long time now, that's all I've been living in, the unknown. This space of having my feet in two worlds, one in the past, and one in a still very unresolved, and, unrevealed, future.

Sometimes, I feel very optimistic regardless, and strong, and that's my nature. It's easy to feel that way when I am having a better day and feeling fairly well. It's much harder to keep those feelings up when I am having a worse day with my illnesses, and feeling weak. Those days still very much out number the good days. My health continues to be a constant battle, and it will always be, for the rest of my life. Learning to truly accept that every single day and not just for appearances sake, is a constant battle too. I feel like maybe one day I'll find acceptance, or maybe, at least more than I have right now.

The truth is, on the outside often I continue to look bright and sunny.

Like a February day.

So deceptive. So beautiful. So encouraging, as clear skies and the sun return. But also, so cold, so bitter, so... unpredictable.

Like a February thaw.

Suddenly from the gray, dark, and, dreary, days of winter, the sun comes out, it's suddenly warmer than expected and everything just starts melting. It might even rain. And not freezing rain either - actual above zero rain. The creeks might flow, the ice might recede... the birds might sing more, the porcupines come out of their trees and caves to enjoy the sun, and fill up on food.

But there is always a hidden truth behind this beautiful diversion. And that is simply this:

Winter is not yet over.

It doesn't mean that you do not enjoy this time, or the returning sun, or the small and encouraging changes that this transitional time brings. It just means that you have to also be aware that the danger is still there, still lurking, and to recognize that, to try and understand it, and to still be prepared for it, so that it doesn't catch you unprepared, frolicking about without proper protection from the elements when you least expect it.

Finding balance has never been my strong point so I continue to push myself too far physically and mentally when I do not have the ability to do so, crash, recover, then repeat this all over again. I am almost 2 years on prednisone, a drug that saves many lives, but also simultaneously, (as anyone who has ever taken steroids long term knows) destroys them. My last TNF blocker injections (A TNF inhibitor is a pharmaceutical drug that suppresses the physiologic response to tumor necrosis factor (TNF), which is part of the inflammatory response.) failed. So I have been in a pretty constant flare since November again after a brief period of slight improvement. I have just started new injections along with of course the dozen other medications I already take. It's too early to tell if they will help, and I am also still trying to deal with prednisone weaning, adrenal fatigue, and the side effects of long term prednisone use, such as muscle loss, damage to my bones, eyes, all that fun stuff. I look pretty good, according to everyone I see. But the truth is, I also weigh under 100 pounds currently from not being able to eat, and I've lost over half of my hair. The good thing is, I had a lot to begin with. But as anyone who has faced similar battles knows, standing in the shower with a handful of your hair in your hand isn't exactly... motivational.

Aside from that I've had to fight several reoccurring different infections all caused by the medications, and most days I have enough energy for only one or two things. Some days I manage those things and feel better for it, some days my brain is ready to do things and my body continues to completely fail me.

But having said that, my world and it's view is not dark and threatening.

The sun is shining. And I see it, and I certainly feel it's warmth on my body.

The future of the farm, my future, is still very uncertain. And most days, living in that reality is a deep struggle for me. But it's one I must accept as I wander through this pathless wood, trying to forge my own way through it, using a compass I am building as I walk.

And I am continuing to try and get my health to a better place, a place where there are more good days than bad, which is the best I can hope for, and I feel strongly deep in my heart that place exists, it's just a very difficult destination to arrive at.

New and exciting things and possibilities loom in the background.

And despite the multitude of difficulties behind and ahead of me...

I trust very strongly in my ability to face them. In my ability to forge the best possible way forward, and that although my dreams and desires might have to take different shapes than I would have liked... they are all still attainable, still within reach.

In all of our lives, our path is bound to change. And sometimes, that path completely disappears and we are left without a path to follow at all.

When that happens you can stand still from fear.

Or start building your compass with whatever tools you may have on hand. Start clearing the debris covering your path, blocking you from movement.

And like February, you need to stop, let the sun warm your cold and shivering body, let the bird song fill your heart, and mind. Let the forest tell you her simple reminder:

The time for sleep is coming to a close. It's time to wake up, it's time to take notice of a new season approaching.

Do it slowly, and with caution... But with gratitude, and without fear.

One day at a time

2016-03-13T19:40:00.000-04:00

I have been in the process of learning a very valuable lesson. Well, several of them, but one I need to focus on.

Sometimes you cannot see the forest for the trees.

That has been me for the past few months. I have been lost and continue to be, yet I am in familiar surroundings.

It's the strangest feeling in the entire world.

But this is what I know right now: I cannot see the forest for the trees, no matter how hard I have been trying. And trust me, I've been trying so hard, I can barely sleep, I can barely focus.

And now, the Red Winged Blackbirds have returned with their song, and a message:

Stop looking.

I need to stop looking for the path through and for now, just stand still.

While I say that, I am in no way, physically standing still. In fact I haven't stopped moving in the past months and things have not stopped happening. But I need to live in this in between time, accept it, and allow things to happen as they will.

When it's time, as has already happened, the right things will make themselves known.

But grief, fear, they are terrible enemies of patience and kindness. I have tried writing several times. I want to write, I want to share this part of my journey, and whatever happens next. Words come to me but nothing comes easy. And sometimes, the words that come are too hard to write. Too hard to say.

In October I said to myself, "if I can make it until March." March is spring. March just seemed liked a goal. Well, here I am. Here is the farm. We have made it this far.

The past few weeks made up for our very good winter. We got feet of snow during one snowfall, we had an ice storm and I didn't have power for 4 days, we got some cold, but then the weather broke quickly. Of course it's still early, and anything could happen, but I know for sure we are over the worst of it. On this farm, usually the road is not passable by the 15th of March and that is holding true - although it's drier than most years.

My mind is and has been overloaded with bills, fees, taxes, deadlines... Survival. I am doing it. I am getting through it. I am doing a better job than I ever could have expected... how, I really wonder sometimes. I try not to dwell on the pain, and I have no time to grieve. I have little time to actually think and process things, which is also why I have not been writing... words fail me often.

I had begun to worry that my heart had closed. I have been so busy being strong. I have changed in ways that I thought happened over night but now I see they did not. They have been happening for a very long time.

Giving up has never been an option to me. In anything. But during that snow storm, plowing, getting the tractor stuck, not having the proper tools for the first time ever because of a series of bad events, dealing with the cold, snow, heaps of problems that should not have been heaps of problems... part of me wanted to scream, cry, give up. But that part was so tiny, so easily silenced by the rest of me that said...

Stop. Focus now. Listen.

Keep going, find a solution, don't quit, don't give in, don't give up. Which is what I did. What I am doing every single day.

I have always been stubborn. Determined. Strong willed. But I had limitations.

This was Kevin. He taught me this. He taught me what chain to use and where to hook it, how to pull the tractor out of the ditch. He taught me to problem solve, not to break under pressure, not to fold, cry, give in. He taught me to always, no matter what.... Always find the way.

At one point, alone in the snow, standing next to the tractor, I found myself starring down the lane. The snow was falling, and I was covered in it. I was tired.

I realized in that odd moment starring into the scene unfolding around me; the snow falling, this land I've called home for so long, this land that we shared, loved together... Him and this land have made me the woman I am right now in this moment. The woman I wanted to become when I met him.

I had told him I was going to live in the bush, have animals, do things for myself. He said "that's wonderful, you just need a young man to do that with." I told him that was ridiculous and that I was going to do it by myself. He laughed at me. But I meant it. And that sparked our friendship.

He was not an easy teacher. He was often very unkind in his ways, aggressive. He was in the military, and he didn't sweeten things up or go gentle. Sometimes it hurt. I didn't understand it. I learned to as time went on together, but now... Now I see it all so clearly.

He toughened me up in ways I had no idea he was toughening me up. Never mind the countless things he taught me. He told me many times this was his gift to me. My gift to him he said, was my gentle spirit, my kindness. I found it so conflicting, so confusing that his gift to me could be to toughen me up, make me harder, when my gift to him was to make him softer.

But in that moment, I saw that gift in front of me on that snow covered lane like a box with a giant red bow sitting in front of me.

We have had enough firewood. I parted with a lot of animals in January, my sheep. They went to a wonderful home but my heart is heavy. My turkeys went with them. I sold my chickens for the winter. I have been living under a lot of uncertainty, especially with my health. I was in the hospital again and have made progress but it's not stable. It's not where I want nor need to be yet.

Sometimes I wonder, will I ever be able to be soft again? To feel so safe with someone? To let my guard down? I miss him every single day, and I am grateful and constantly reminded of how my strengths are coming through.

But my protector is gone, my confidant. And when I remember that, it shakes me. It doesn't topple me now, I don't fall down.

A couple of weeks ago, it was a clear night. The sky was full of sparkling stars. The moon was waxing and bright, illuminating the forest like a lantern. I stepped outside my house, from one quiet world, into another. The forest in February is a type of quiet that always amazes me. You forget how something can be so alive, yet so quiet, at the same time. Waiting.

So quiet, just before it gets ready to wake up and come back to life....

I walked down the steps and heard the snow crunching beneath my boots. As I walked away from my house, I looked back at it. I had left one light on inside, a small one, which barely illuminated the front room. Through the kitchen window I could see my dried herbs hanging on strings across the kitchen. Smoke was rising from the chimney.

Our peaceful little house. This house that he built, that has sheltered me, and provided. Where so much life has been lived in the past decade.

I turned away and started walking, the moon my lantern. The sound of my foot steps my only company.

I wondered. Was he with me now?

Of course he was, although I wish I could hold his hand in mine.

As I walked, tears ran down my cheeks. I could not help it, although I tried to stop them.

He had tried to convince me and himself this past summer that it was time to leave and I refused. This forest has been our home, our entire lives. It brought us together.

As I walked by maple trees we tapped together, and would be getting ready to right now, more tears came.

I see him standing by the trees, showing me how to tap them, how to put the spile in without damaging the tree.

When he would talk to me about leaving, about a new adventure, it all sounded so very good. But I would tell him, we cannot leave yet.

I know when the Timberdoodle will return to the creek outside the house and start his meeping in April. I wait for it every single year.

I know when the morel mushrooms will sprout, and where.

I know the exact day the Whip-poor-will will return to sing outside our bedroom window and keep us up all night long because he is so incessant and so loud.

We cannot leave yet I would say... what about the fire flies? And what about the bull frogs? How will I sleep if they cannot sing me to sleep in the evenings?

As I reach the turtle pond, a small pond where we let go all the baby painted turtles we saved one year after their nest was dug up... I stopped.

I turned to look at the moon and sighed.

I love this land and this forest. It grounds me, it feeds me. It is my home, and it has been my home. It was his home, and his heart.

I find myself looking for him in the night, in the forest. Maybe he'll walk out from behind the trees, and I'll see him again. Maybe just for a second.

But I know it doesn't work that way.

And I know I'll find the way, whatever that may be. I know it will come.

I find myself lost between worlds at this moment. The past, and the future. The present is a very hazy place, somewhere I exist in and see through a veil. I can see it. I know very well what's happening, and I am managing it. But in order to do so without loosing myself completely, I've had to separate myself, put most of myself away. I do stupid things constantly because I cannot focus. I have to triple check everything I do, I don't see people or things... I just see through them... like I am walking in a world of ghosts.

Or maybe, I am the ghost.

I feel a little bit like I am existing in two worlds. A real one, and a shadow world. A great part of me, sleeps and waits to be awakened.

In the end, I will overcome this. I will be stronger for it, and I will never once regret a single thing I did, or day I spent living this dream. I realize despite the stress and grief of the present, I am beyond fortunate. I am so grateful for every single chance I have taken in life to allow me to get here and to have lived this past decade at Our Forest Haven, with a partner whom I did everything with, with so many animals who enriched my life. I don't regret a thing, and I have amazingly, despite the challenges, lived the life I dreamed of.

And there will be new dreams, new adventures when the time is right.

There will be, My Forest Haven.

Here.

2015-11-11T07:27:00.000-05:00

Some days are easier than others.

Let me rephrase that. Some parts of each day are easier than others.

Mornings are usually the best for me which is strange because I am not a morning person - I love seeing the sun rise but I don't wake up in a good mood normally. Lately however, I wake up ready to take on the day. I enjoy the quiet I have with the dogs after the mad rush of letting them out, feeding them, waking the birds up, starting the fire, and making coffee.

My head feels clearer before it's filled with a days worth of thoughts and emotions, and work. It's easier to be strong. Easier to feel like I have everything under control.

And essentially everything is under control - considering how much control do we really ever have over life anyway? I think of people living life in all kinds of situations and realize control over our lives is basically an illusion. I talked to a woman yesterday who told me she understood where I was coming from. That she was a single mother of three kids and she got that life happens and we need to move forward in whatever way possible and that there are always options, no matter what. We just need to push forward to find them.

That's something Kevin would have said. That there are always options. In everything. You just need to ask. To be honest. You never know who or what life will put in your way.

And I've always, always felt that way too... it's the exact way I felt when I met Kevin. I know it's still true, but I"m not open. It's amazing how quickly you feel your old walls coming right back up when you feel vulnerable. No matter how long they have been down.

There are times during the day when my mind is not my friend. It's my friend when I"m writing, or making phone calls, working on business. But at other times it's my worst enemy. And during those times - it has to be silenced.

One of the only ways for me to silence my mind is to walk. But this morning I was tired and I didn't feel great. My health has improved dramatically pain wise on my medications. I am 3 weeks away from being off of prednisone (steroid) for the first time in 7 months. But I still cannot eat without pain. And by eat, I mean anything. Obviously I have to eat, so I try my safest foods but one small mess up and I pay with a lot of pain, fatigue.

But I got up, got dressed, and walked anyway. And it was the first good decision I made of the day. It was calm outside, beautiful. Every single morning for the past couple of weeks has been beautiful. I can't remember such a string of such beautiful weather. I've always loved November for her frosty mornings and we've been experiencing them but they are short lived since it is so warm outside.

This morning there was a sparkling layer of frost covering everything while the dogs and I were out.

The ticks are horrific still, and by horrific I mean, like the worst horror movie you've ever seen.

But I sat in one of my favorite places, watched a couple of deer walk by. Watched the sun come up over the pond.

Then as we were walking through the forest, the sun started to heat up the frost covering the trees and plants, and I watched the frost turn into thousands of tiny of raindrops hanging off the branches and brush.

Like... magic.

Then as I stood there in the complete silence, listening to my own breath, reminding myself this is what really matters in life, this is it...

All those tiny raindrops started raining down off of the trees, and it rained in the forest all around me... tiny drops in the morning sunlight. All you could hear were those drops of water hitting the ground, and the sun was momentarily blinding.

I held my breath for a few seconds as I just listened.

For a time, I was somewhere else.

This forest has always taken me places that only exist in fairy tales. In some ways I've been living in one. That is not to say such horrible, difficult, things have not happened and been happening. But its a lot easier to get through each one of those things when you live in an enchanted forest.

In one of Kevin's last Facebook posts he posted some pictures he took while we went for a short walk together, one of the few we got to enjoy recently since I was just getting better. And in his post he said:

I love to see her out there again in the forest where she is happiest.

He knew me best and it is where I am happiest. And it will help me survive this.

But I miss him in ways I"ll never miss anyone else in my entire life. And every day, every single day that realization takes my breath away. It hits me like a ton of bricks. I cannot get him back, I cannot change it. I can miss him every single day for the rest of my life and I will. But it will never change.

And every day I remind myself, keep breathing. Keep moving.

And now it's all... me. And a whole lot of time to spend with myself getting through this.

I have been doing a lot of writing, and a lot of reading when I'm strong enough to do so... I wrote this on May 8th of 2005 and thought it was fitting for this morning.

"I know I am going to learn a lot from this place and it's spirits. I can feel it's energy now, when I am still and quiet and mindful. I am learning a little about what is really important to me in this life. I have been learning and this is one of the most important lessons I know I'll ever learn. And this is just the beginning. Just the start. I feel alive here. Like a butterfly waiting to wake up and fly. My spirit is content and happy.

Don't ever forget this moment - this magic is yours to keep forever, just don't ever let it go or give it away no matter who tries to take it away from you. You've found it for once and for all. You now really understand. You've found your magic. I know that when I leave this place, I will take it with me wherever I go. I said I know this place was going to change me., and it already has."

Grief is like living in a terrible version of ground hog day. I know this but it's been a long time since I've had such fresh grief and I have never had this grief. Loosing a spouse is...breath taking. Your whole life, every single tiny thing is changed and affected. You cannot escape it. I look around my house and everything either comforts me or bothers me.

The wood stove he just put in and lit for the very first time the night he died. He was happy. He was really happy that evening, and I"m so grateful for that.

And then as I stood looking out the front window towards the pond, a set of eyes locked with mine.

Since before I was here Kevin fed the deer in the winter. For 10 1/2 years I have done so too. If you've read my blog, you know of our deer, of Torn Ear, Deer Norman... last year we had the least amount of deer ever, as our deer population here has taken a huge hit from over hunting (in the area) and the harsh winters, coyotes.

I wasn't going to feed this year. We have no deer, feed costs money, everything has changed.

She starred at me in the yard. She had no reason to be there but she had been every morning for the last week and now this evening.

I knew the doe. I knew why she was here. This is her home.

I walked away from the window and tried to ignore her. But she was still there, I knew.

I was in my pajamas and I put on my rubber boots. It was almost dark, raining outside. I walked down stairs, out the basement door and got a small scoop of feed.

As I came around the tractor and into the yard, the doe was still there. She stood there, starring at me. Keeping her safe distance but close. She knows me. It's hunting season and yet this doe walks right up to me. Some people have always told me that deer get used to all people, not certain people and thus will get tamed, or become easy targets.

I know that's not been true here. When for 10 years we had the same bucks returning year after year, despite being hunted, when Torn Ear our big trophy buck, would stand up out of the marsh when I spoke to him because of my voice. Not just a female voice. But my voice. How they wouldn't come out of the forest if a stranger was here... They are not stupid. They are not all the same. Kevin, my retired hunter taught me a lot about deer, tracking, living with them.

But they have taught me much as well.

After putting out the feed, I walked away. When I got back to the house, to the tractor, I turned back to look at her, the pond.... the yard. My home.

I pride myself on being strong. And I know that allowing yourself to feel emotions does not make a person weak. It's necessary. But I resist it anyway.

This doe here in the yard, the drizzly November rain. Here is life taking place as it always has. Like nothing has changed, and yet everything has.

I cried for so many reasons as I leaned against that tractor in my pajama's in the rain. So very many reasons.

But I knew this. I will get through this winter. I will take care of this farm during it. The deer.

And I will try my best to take care of that patched together blue tractor that has kept our lane open in the winter, that has tilled our garden, cut our hay, moved manure, hauled in logs, and, buried so very many of my animals over the years.

That tractor that was a symbol of some of the happiest times in Kevin's life. He was proud of it, of the work he did with it. I can see him both smiling at me on his way out the lane on it, and cussing at it when he was trying to change an implement on it and it was fighting him. I can see him asking me to ride on his lap up to the barn on it and laughing.

I cannot wrap my head around how I got here. To this place in time. But I have, and I am here. And that's what counts.

I'm still here.

Still.

2015-11-08T07:43:00.001-05:00

It's amazing what an illusion time is. I read a scientific article once that said time seems to speed up as we get older because of experiences. When we are young, time seems to go slower, and as we get older, most of us realize time goes very quickly. The article said when we are young and constantly having "new" experiences, time seems to go slower, but as we get older and have less new things to experience, time speeds up.

I don't think so.

Time goes quicker when you are happy and content. That's a fact. Sure, when you are busy in life with work, relationships, etc, time does go fast and you never seem to have enough of it because you have so many things to fill your day... but nothing speeds up time like happiness.

Even recovering from surgery after surgery, and being sick these past few years, time has went quickly, and it surprised me.

Now time means nothing to me. It goes slowly even though my days are full. And it feels like a lifetime has passed in the past month, a whole lifetime. It seems like I have already lived an entire lifetime, and like I must be 80 years old. I look at my life and it feels like I have already lived so much, it's confusing to me. This being left alone, this "carrying on" that happens... It's a strange feeling I cannot put into words.

You know it is what it is. And you accept it. But it's like you are watching yourself from a distance.

I have always, always, found much beauty in life, even through pain, be it emotional or physical. And in nature, you do not have to look very far. I've spoken much about the healing powers of nature, and it has never failed me, nor is it failing me now. We are having really amazing November weather, it's warm, almost every morning has been beautiful.,. and I've been awake everyday to see the sunrise. Sleep has not been my friend, although it's slowly coming back to me, I'm still awake at 5 AM every day. Kevin and I were not early birds, ever. But things have changed. I sleep earlier, I rise earlier. I drink my coffee in bed with the dogs, usually I try to walk in the mornings since I'm trying to build my physical strength back and morning is my favorite time of day to walk, it's so quiet. The day still holds so much potential. It's good to start any day with a little clarity, and therapy, offered by nature.

Of course, my animals have not failed me either. I have a million reasons to be strong, and I will be, there is no question.

But that doesn't mean it's any easier.

Thankfully our minds and bodies have coping mechanisms to help us deal with grief... at least when they are working. They help protect us from it consuming us. I lost my family young and I see now the difference between an adult mind and a child's mind, coping with grief. Some times they can be very similar but some times you realize there are big differences. The pain is no less or no different, but survival is more important, and you realize you must focus on that.

But that is also Kevin. He's spent the past 10 1/2 years trying to teach me a lot of things - and he did. More than I realized. Plenty of things he taught me I know he taught me. Like.

How to clean the chimney.

Tap trees, make maple syrup, use the winch, log, drive the tractor, run the generator, use hand and power tools, read a map, a compass... I can name a 1,000 things.

But plenty of things sunk in that I never realized, and all of those things are helping me now.

But it's funny how you quickly miss the things that annoyed you the most - and not the things you expect.

He argued politics every. single. morning. I love a good debate. Even a good spat. We did it all the time. And not many people can hold a good debate - especially about politics, without loosing it. And some times he did. Or I did. But not often. Plus, we could handle each others tempers well. As of late we'd been disagreeing a bit more on some topics and had some great debates. I used to think every morning, "oh man, I haven't even had my coffee yet and I need to start debating..." and now, I'm debating politics with the dogs. Problem is, they don't answer, and they also pretty much agree with every thing I say.

I also miss his tolerance level with me. Alone now, it doesn't matter. But he really did allow me to be myself. This is novel to me because of the age difference between us - we come from different times and while I was constantly surprising him in some ways, he was open to more of my beliefs and ideas than I would have thought. I'm grateful for that. It's so rare, and having got to experience it, I'll always know what it was like to have a partner who accepted me as me. Who tolerated my dogs, lambs in the living room in his recliner, and made me yule logs.

I have really, really, been blessed in this life. I've dealt with a lot of big, bad, things, like most of us. A lot of it in a short time, and this is not what I want to be writing about, life after. I want to be writing a different post altogether. I want to be continuing the story I have been writing for years.

But no matter how long and difficult this road to healing will be - and it's a long road that requires tiny little steps all day, every day with a 1,000 stumbles... I remain grateful for all I've had. The experiences, the love. There was plenty of tough stuff, but it doesn't matter now. It really probably never did.

The morning frost coating the ground, like thousands of tiny little shards of glass. So beautiful, and so delicate... A doe drinking out of the pond in the mist. The beaver swimming across the still water. Life is a cycle. We are all just part of it. All of us... and these things, equally as beautiful and important as the other. You realize how lucky you are to be breathing in the crisp air, to be able to see such beautiful things in front of you with clear and open eyes.

And you remember to just keep breathing.

If Kevin were here, he'd tell me to keep writing. He'd tell me the story isn't finished. Even if this chapter is going to be really tough to get through.

It's not "the end."

And I'd nod. And I'd know he's right.

Often he was. More than I'd like to admit.

Woodswoman

2015-10-11T10:41:00.000-04:00

I've titled this post, Woodswoman, because the book, written by one of my favorite authors, Anne LaBastille, is sitting open beside me on my bed and has been for many days. I know in my heart Kevin will help guide me but I have had so much chaos and so much pain it's hard to feel it right now and it's also almost impossible to focus. But I was guided to pull out that book.

I've read all of her books, she's inspired me in a lot of ways, like a lot of strong women have, but it's lying open beside me because along with A Sand County Almanac, it's the first book, or item, Kevin ever gave me. He gave it to me because he saw my pioneer spirit and my heart, and we shared the same dreams. Even though the story is a womans, it inspired him after his divorce, after his health difficulties, and career change because of them. It was a difficult time in his life, before he ended up at this farm, with new dreams, new goals. He thought he had nothing left and he told me it was one of the books that reminded him to have courage and to also, follow your heart and dreams.

I expressed to Kevin when we first met, even though our courtship was an odd one because of our age difference that I truly believed following your heart was the MOST important thing in life. And I still know that. If I had not followed my heart and and had listened to society or other people I would have not taken a big chance moving to this remote farm with a man 3 decades older than me. I would have never experienced the unconditional love and partnership we shared.

I honestly cannot thank everyone enough for the out pouring of support and love and while I am surprised at the same time I am not because I know there are many very beautiful and honest people in the world. Your simple messages of support and prayer have had me in tears.

This last entire week has been brutal for a multitude of reasons, the main and first being loosing my husband completely unexpectedly. I thought we had got him to the hospital in time as did all of the Doctors originally working on him, and it was all such a shock I'm still not even sure what has happened to me most moments of the day. That night my sister took me to emergency because my eyes had swollen shut from crying, but we were concerned since I have an inflammatory disease it might have been part of it. The Dr that first saw Kevin before we went to the Kingston cardiac unit was there and she broke down and cried with me, she said this was not supposed to happen.

I can barely think about it because I have little time to grieve right now and realizing that he is actually gone from me, physically, is at this time too much for me to process. I loved that man and we spent every moment of every day for the last 10 1/2 years together. This farm was our life, it was me, him, the animals, and our work and dreams here, that was all that mattered. We had started to wonder about a lot of things with me continuing to be sick but we were on the right path to healing we believed and were starting to hope and dream for our future again.

I am not the type of person to ask for help, I have always been very independent before and even with Kevin, except that with Kevin we have been a team. I also know I am a very strong, probably a whole lot stronger than I believe but right now it's hard to know or be that woman. But she has not abandoned me.

But the reality is it's almost winter. This is the FIRST winter we have no fire wood prepared, none. Kevin had been waiting for help to come but also for the cooler weather when it's better and easier to work in the bush. And on top of that he has spent the past few weeks trying to fix our mule (ATV) which needed major work. He's had it torn apart and he's been working on it for weeks but was working on it even the day before he passed and was making progress. But it's not been usable and it's our main logging vehicle next to the tractor for both the winch and carrying firewood.

I have a mile long drive way that I need to plow. I can do a lot of things on this farm myself, as I have worked side by side with Kevin for many years. But my health is not a helpful factor at this time AT ALL. I need to get through the winter. And aside from chores, I have my animals, OUR animals, who need me as usual and things are right now, a mess. I have many things to try and organize, process, and deal with, and all I want is first off, the man I love back. But secondly, to sit and allow myself to grieve. But I cannot right now, I have lives depending on me and this farm and while I cannot see the future I need to focus on the immident needs of the short term.

Jim is still here and still able to help. I'm not sure what I'd do without him, but the reality is, Jim is also a dependent/responsibility of mine. He is a friend, first, and he's been helping us a lot, but I also am responsible and need to care for him.

The only other thing I have felt guided to do in the past week, was write today. It's all Kevin ever wanted me to do, write the blog, write books. He loved it, he knew what it meant to me and he always encouraged it in me from the very early days of our friendship. I haven't been able to really write in a while and I can barely find words to my friends right now most of the time but after another sleepless night, I thought of writing and when I started, it poured out of me in a way I did not even expect right now. I hope this makes sense, I'm not spell checking, I'm not rereading to make sure I've used all proper English as I always do, I'm letting my heart guide me because it's never, NEVER, lead me astray and neither has Kevin.

I am so beyond grateful for every single moment I had with him, good and bad. We had a total partnership, and we knew at no time would either of us abandon the other. Through sickness, health, the easy times and hard, neither of us feared the other would give up. That's not something that most people ever get to experience in life. I had the best. I'm grateful, I'm fortunate. I don't have the words.

He opened my car door for me ALWAYS. he helped me put my coat on, he loaded groceries in the car because he wanted me to sit inside and be warm. These things are so stupid as they run through my mind but this was my man, he wanted nothing more than to make life safe, comforting. And with him, safety was never an issue. I always knew I was safe and he always told me, relax in it now because someday you will be on your own, and I know you'll be strong, but it won't be the same. He told me that so very many times. Rest in my arms, in the comfort that I am protecting you from the entire world because someday you will face it without me.

But I also know he prepared me in ways that I don't even know yet. I know our partnership has not come to an end, it has just changed from one form, into another.

I know these things, and I remind myself a thousand times.

But still all I want is him back in my arms.

It's SEPTEMBER!

2015-09-13T14:54:00.000-04:00

Even Bulrush is shocked!

I'm sorry I haven't written in quite some time... I'm not going to lie, it's been pretty tough the past few months and although plenty of things have happened on the farm, including good things, it's been hard to be inspired to write and share when I am in bed 98% of the time. Most days I'm out of bed for maybe one or two hours. There have been weeks at a time I have been unable to even make it to the barn to see my animals, and for July and August I was unable to go outside most of the time because the dose of prednisone I was on causes severe pressure in my eyes (which I've mentioned I think in other posts) when I am in any light, even while wearing special glasses that you wear after you get your eyes dilated... So I've spent a lot of time in bed, in the dark, a lot of the time not able to tolerate the computer or even TV, and not even reading half the time. Can you say stir crazy? Of course my medications also make me pretty fatigued, so it's been tough to find any kind of "normalcy."

Since starting both immune suppressant medications and Humira, I haven't had a lot of improvement. I also am unable to decrease my prednisone dose without becoming very ill, so it's been a real struggle. It's still a little early to give up on the medications I am on and move on to even stronger ones, but I see my Doctor again in 2 weeks to discuss whether we wait it out some more, up the dose, or move on. I've been pretty lucky that so far on the heavy medications I've had to begin to take, my side effects are limited to extra fatigue, some weakness, some skin stuff, but no serious side effects (that I have noticed), which is excellent since I have been unable to take all the other medications without terrible side effects.

I have been counting my blessings though - any day I am up and able to do anything, bake a pie, go say hi to my animals, do a load of laundry, change the sheets on the bed, these are all big accomplishments. Most days I'm able to look at them as such, but I do have my days where the fear and desperation that I will never find any relief do take over, but they are short lived because I'm stronger than those thoughts, and I know I will persevere no matter how difficult this is or may become. I'll handle it. And I won't have my old normal back, it's just not going to happen at this point - but I will find a new one.

My memory is fuzzier than usual and I have trouble some times finding words, when I'm speaking or writing. Which is a good reason to push myself a little harder to write more often, to keep my mind active and working.

Since it's starting to cool off a bit, and since I have been able to go outside a little bit more in the past week (yay!) we've all been taking advantage of it. I did manage to get myself driving our farm truck which is a stick shift - I kind of started to learn how to drive standard about 12 years ago. Our ATV is completely pulled apart right now as it needs several things fixed, including new brakes (which we are waiting on all the parts for so Kevin can do the job) and since I cannot walk very far safely, I decided to take the truck for a drive.

At first, I couldn't figure it out. I sat in the truck with the boys and started at it, and I tried to force myself to figure it out and it just wouldn't come to me. So I got out and walked back to the house frustrated. But by the time I got back to the house, I had worked out in my head the mechanics of it (the basic ones) and I decided I shouldn't give up so easily. So I walked back to the truck, got in and sat down (I left the dogs at home this time) and no word of a lie, the mouse that lives in the truck was sitting on the seat beside me. He didn't even run. I sat down, looked over, and he's looking at me, and I just shrugged.

So I walked myself through it in my head, started the truck, drove up to the house to pick up the boys, and all of us, including the mouse, went for a drive. Since then, the boys have been loving riding in the truck just as much as they do the atv.

A few days ago the boys and I went out for a drive and walk with Kevin so I could harvest some Blue Cohosh root to dry. It's an amazing plant, and I've found a special area full of it on the property.

We also as usual have lots of White Baneberry, or Dolls eyes, which will kill you quite quickly if you mess with it.

We found a few Jack in the Pulpits out there too! This one area is very rich in unique wild plants. All of these plants tend to grow together in just the right conditions, of forest/marsh/sun/shade.

One thing we did have abundantly this year was wild grapes, and I was able to harvest two batches to make jelly.

It takes me a lot longer to do things and they all involve a lot of sitting down, but slow and steady wins the race!

The boys of course do their very best to help, even if it's just moral support.

In August I was able to make peach butter, peach compote, plum jelly, pickled green beans, and also chili sauce. So I was able to do a little preserving this year.

The animals have all been well, and are much happier now that the heat is less and also, the bugs.

Spriggan and his mum, Aurora. If that's not love, I'm not sure what is.

My little Emerald is growing like a weed!

Jackson has been enjoying what green grass he still can.

And Lavender has just been soaking in the sunshine.

And I've been trying to fit in as much snuggle time as possible.

Also if you are looking for some great Giant Puffball mushroom recipes (they are out now!) you can find some of mine in the Sept/Oct issue of Backwoods Home magazine! Norman thinks you should check it out. It's been raining here the past two days but I'm hoping to get out to look in my best spots for them as soon as I can. Yesterday I baked a pie and today I managed to get up to the barn for a little bit. It's hard to keep balance and not push things, I am not the kind of person who likes to do a little at a time, and it's against my nature, but without self control, I'll never be able to do anything so I'm trying to learn a new way of being... both mentally and physically.

Last week I messed up my self injection of Humira and for the first time in 8 injections I lost most of the medicine. The Doctor on call told me we couldn't risk a second shot but he said he gives himself injections and has had this happen and it's usually because you hit some fat. I bruised myself badly for the first time as well - and I felt it this week. Yesterday I had a successful injection and while I'm tired the day of the shot and the next day, I do feel the difference it makes at least on my pain levels especially in my joints. It's a very weird mix of feeling tired and energized at the same time! It's not hard to do as anyone who does self injections with auto injectors knows, but it's not great fun either. I'm happy if this is all I have to do though. Every week when I inject, Rollie gets very upset, and will not calm down though until after I take the used pen away. He shakes and cries when I inject myself and as soon as I'm done, he runs over to sniff the pen, my leg, and then he kisses me on the face and makes sure I'm OK. It upsets him terribly. I know full well the capacity to feel and display emotions animals have, but it doesn't stop me from being amazed at the depth of it sometimes. And also grateful for having these special beings in my life.

So onward and upward. I hope we have a good, long, eventful fall, and that I have many more pictures, and words, to share.

Like I said, part of my problem is, I've been waiting for things to get back to normal.

Then I've kind of been grieving that this will not happen.

Now I accept that it won't, and I'm no longer waiting for it. It's time to start feeling my way through this new life, and this new normal, and participating in it.

Chaos and Gratitude.

2015-07-15T17:11:00.000-04:00

Sometimes words come so easy, and sometimes finding the right ones is so very difficult. I know how I want to express myself but yet it still seems so difficult to do, and part of me doesn't want to. But Kevin tells me it's important to do so, and it's important to share. He reminds me that constantly. Right now I feel a little disconnected from myself, and that's been making it harder for me to write, and to properly express myself verbally, or through my writing. So I need to work on that.

The past couple of years have been difficult, and full of ups and downs health wise for me. It's been a long journey, as most of you know, but I have traveled very far. It's been challenging sure, and I've had a lot of pain, some big surgeries. But nothing compares to the past 4 months.

And certainly nothing compares to the past couple of weeks.

On July 4th, I almost died. It's difficult to think about it in that way, because while I don't fear death, I certainly am not ready to leave this life, and the people and animals in it whom I love. I've always been well aware that life and death walk hand in hand and that things can change at any given second. I learned that very early in my life as illness and death touched everyone I loved very early on. But I've never come that close to it myself, nor did I expect to right now.

Our trip to Michigan went well mostly, our drive was long but Kevin handled moving the 5th wheel for the first time in a few years well, and I held up for the trip. We were able to both enjoy his family reunion and some time with his family, which was really nice. Saturday morning I knew it would be a bad day for me, I have them often and I either get through them or end up in the hospital, but generally through a lot of suffering, I've been getting through them. I'm used to high levels of pain and at first wasn't alarmed. I even told Kevin to leave me at the 5th wheel and to go on to the party that was to take place with family that afternoon without me. I felt terrible we couldn't go and honestly, I've suffered through a lot of these episodes leading up to my hospitalization in April and diagnosis with inflammatory bowel disease so I thought I could get through another rough day, and that really, that's all there was to be done.

But of course, he didn't, and wouldn't leave me alone. And actually quite quickly I realized the pain was not just bad, it was brutal. It was killing me.

Because I try to tough things out and because I've had bad experiences at hospitals, it takes a lot to make me go to the hospital, and I mean, a lot. When I give in, I'm either in horrible pain or afraid. I was both this time, thankfully. If I hadn't been, or if I had hesitated as usual, things could have turned out very differently.

Thankfully we were fairly close to the hospital in Sault Ste. Marie, Michigan from our camp site, and Kevin drove through 3 or 4 red lights and broke every traffic law there was, but we got there quickly. And thankfully, the entire staff at that hospital was the best we've ever encountered anywhere. They acted fast, and aggressively, but they were all kind and considerate towards me at the exact same time, all of them. It was hard to believe everyone could be that good and that on their game but they were. They quickly got my pain down so they could figure out what was happening and quickly we learned I had a bowel obstruction caused by the severity of the inflammation caused by my Ulcerative Colitis. Before we left for this trip, I had still not been approved for new medications so I was only taking prednisone still and obviously, not enough. I was in a lot of pain and terribly distended and because of the weakening to my colon from the inflammation and ulcers, I was close to rupturing, so the Doctor immediately had a NG tube put in.

Nasogastric intubation is a medical process involving the insertion of a plastic tube (nasogastric tube or NG tube) through the nose, past the throat, and down into the stomach. Orogastric intubation is a similar process involving the insertion of a plastic tube (orogastric tube) through the mouth, past the throat, and down into the stomach.

It wasn't fun, and it was a big tube, but once in, I did have immediate relief from the pressure in my abdomen which felt like it was going to burst wide open.

We were all relieved for a few moments until I got up to go to the bathroom. On my way back to my bed I remember saying out loud, "suddenly I don't feel so good." and after that, a lot of chaos took place as my blood pressure suddenly shot up to 180/180 and then over 200. My organs were about to shut down, and the Doctor thought I had stroked, or was having a serious reaction to one of the medications they gave me. We don't know what happened for sure. But I do know without the staff at that hospital and the way they responded to it, I wouldn't be writing this.

The nurses stayed with me all night, giving me constant medications to try and get my blood pressure down (it took until the next afternoon to do so) and giving me prednisone and anti inflammatory medications through my IV port. They sat with me. My body and organs were having a hard time functioning normally so they constantly were managing that to keep things from getting worse. They responded immediately when I got sick, and they kept me out of pain. I was in and out of consciousness a lot but at one point, I remember the nurse opening the curtains for me so I could watch the fireworks, and she even drug my bed down so I could see them better.

It was pretty surreal, being that sick, starring out the window at the fireworks going off in the sky. I was not afraid, I was too medicated to really understand or think, but I remember my eyes opening and closing, and seeing those fireworks, and locking that image in my mind.

This was pretty hard on us, on me, but also on Kevin. I for one, never saw it coming. I know very well that I am sick, but I sure did not expect this.

Once I was released from the hospital we stayed in the Soo a few more days to make sure it was safe to leave in case I needed to go back to the hospital. We managed to get home late Wednesday night after a very long drive.

On Friday, were able to pick up my Humira and I gave myself the loading dose of 4 shots.

I have never given myself injections before, although of course I've given lots of needles to animals. But still, injecting yourself four times was a little daunting - especially when it's new... once you know what to expect it's a whole different story. The needles do not hurt at all, but the medicine does burn terribly which I didn't expect - although I had been told by a friends young son who has Crohns that Humira burns more than other medicines... thankfully I had forgotten that.

So I started my first injections of Humira, and also Imuran which is an Immune Suppressant, and I am still on prednisone and 4 other medications. It's a lot. But I'm hopeful the Humira and Imuran will help and that I'll be able to begin to taper my prednisone. I also hope all these medications are telling my immune system to cool it - and thus allowing the inflammation to cool it as well. I can only eat certain foods and I continue to be very careful to do all I can to not aggravate the situation. I have a long road ahead of me, but I'm grateful to still be here to walk it.

The prednisone of course is hard on your body and it has given me a false sense of energy, that I'm better than I think. I am always reminded that's not true, but it sure makes you feel like you can do a lot when you really can't. I'm pretty hyper normally, but the prednisone gives you a false sense of it, so I've been trying to do a lot of things. And of course I am going a little crazy not being able to do anything but rest. But I have been trying to focus on projects I can do while resting, like knitting, or reading, painting, etc.

The prednisone is also is making light so painful to my eyes I wear glasses you wear after having your eyes dialated and when I forget to, even when there is no sun or I'm in a darker room, the pain behind my eyes is so intense it feels like my eye balls will come out and there is no way to make it better other than to sit in the dark, or try to sleep. Anyone who's taken prednisone knows it can be and is a life saver but it's like making a deal with the devil.

So far I have not noticed any improvements on the Humira and Imuran but it's very early (days in) and it's not magic. It takes time. I am very glad however that so far, I've had no obvious side effects from them and they have not made me feel unwell at all, which is great. But it's one day at a time. Moment by moment.

I do feel positive, committed, hopeful. I know I am going in the right direction although I have no idea how long it's going to take me to find balance again, I have to trust it will come when the time is right, and I'm trying to stay focused on the good, and there is much of it.

The animals are all happy and well and enjoying their summer pasture, which makes my heart smile.

We have had an abundance of clover and wild flowers this year...

I've been trying to take short trips to visit with the animals, or just be outside for a bit. Of course they are the best therapy one can get. I read something on Facebook recently that said "The best medicine is a dog who thinks their love can heal you." And it's one of the truest things I've ever read.

I've been trying to collect as much red clover as I can as well because it's time to harvest and dry it to use in teas and ointments later. It's good for everyone, animal and human. The goats only want to eat it if I pick it for them... that's spoiled.

The bugs have been terrible, but today we are enjoying a cooler, breezy day, and that's helping keep the bugs down a lot, which everyone appreciates.

Kevin is busy getting the haying equipment ready as it's time to cut hay if the weather holds. Our fields are green but not very high this year, which seems to be the norm around these parts, so I'm not sure how good our harvest will be. Hopefully better than expected.

The boys of course have not left my side, and are doing their very best to keep me resting.

I'm grateful to be taking small steps, and trying to allow my body time to catch up, rest, heal, and allow the medication to work. I really want to be haying, hiking in the forest, trimming goat hooves. Things have to wait, I know, and everyone is fine. I am hopeful that time will come, but I know I need to work extra hard to be kind to my body, it's very easy to take it for granted or just try to push it.

Such a weird time it is. My mind and body is full of chaos and gratitude. I feel very confident, very hopeful, but very confused. Such a mix of emotions, a mix of extremes. Balance I know will come again in time, and I look forward to it, and the comfort it brings. The consistency.

But there is much to be learned in chaos if you are willing to do so.

I read a great story recently about two trees, both damaged and cut by a raging river. One tree was nearly destroyed by the constant pounding of the river, and was nearly dead. The other tree, while damaged, had started to bend, and curve away from the river, it also was healing at the damaged parts, not dying.

Two trees, the same damage, the same situation, but two different responses.

I remind myself of this often. During times of chaos, or great challenges, we can grow, we can bend, we can adapt. Or we can be destroyed.

Sure many things come into play to help shape and decide how we as individuals handle challenges in our lives. But ultimately, at the very root, it's so very basic, and it is up to us to grow, or to give in.

Always choose growth. No matter how painful it might be.

You will heal.

June is almost gone?

2015-06-28T14:12:00.001-04:00

This afternoon I am resting after cleaning the 5th wheel this morning in preparation for a short trip this week to Michigan for Kevin's family reunion. And since I'm resting, I thought I'd take advantage of this time to update the blog.

We are looking forward to this trip, and decided to take the 5th wheel instead of the truck camper so we'll be more comfortable once we are there, especially if and when I'm not on my feet, and we also are going to bring the boys with us since it's hard to leave them and they haven't been camping in a long time. This will actually be Rollie's first time camping and he's 2 1/2! Both Norman and Douglas went all the way to Alaska before their 1st Birthday, so poor Rollie has a lot of catching up to do.

So many things have happened in the past weeks, that I'm not quite sure where to start, but I'm going to try my best since it's been so long.

I guess I'll start with my health update, since that has been the consuming thing in the past three months - well the past three years, but the past three months especially and why I haven't got back to blogging properly yet. Since being diagnosed with Inflammatory bowel disease in April in the hospital I've been through so many medications I've lost count. I've had terrible reactions to all of them, except for the steroids which I've been on to keep me out of the hospital, and alive, basically. But all attempts to get me onto another medication to help heal my gut have proved to cause terrible pain, side effects, and even eye pain and I haven't been able to see most of the time. Between the prednisone affecting my eyes regarding light and the other medications causing pain and blurryness in my eyes, it's been a battle. But those things are a lot easier to deal with than the actual physical pain, and other symptoms. Also my joints are causing me terrible pain and at times, it's been hard to walk. I've even had some fainting spells - thanks to general fatigue and I'm sure, medications. This is a new world, and I know things will get under control in the future, we (the Doctors and us) just need to get things under control and find balance again.

I have found a great GI specialist in NY and so far I really like her, and she's been very good to me, so that is very positive and we've been trying to move forward, its just hard, and one of those things you have to work through. I'm not used to being this sick - with endometriosis I had plenty of pain, debilitating pain, but I was never sick as well, and certainly never had joint pain so bad I couldn't move sometimes.

Currently we are waiting for approvals from Insurance for new medication. I will be starting an immune suppressant and a biologic drug, one oral, and one I will inject myself with, as our next attempt at getting things under control so I can hopefully start getting some relief and get into remission. But we are being held up by Insurance. I started the process of getting all my vaccinations up to date before I start these medications since I'll be wide open for infection and various diseases, and we are hoping Insurance will come through for us. But there are a lot of hoops to jump through as these are some of the most expensive medications there are as I've learned. My Doctor would like me to start Simponi, a newer medication with less injections and side effects generally. She also wants me to start this one because it works well with the other medication she has prescribed. But Insurance wants me to try Humira first. So we are waiting to find out what the end result will be.

But we are moving forward, even if slowly. And I'm confident we are on the right track, it's just a matter of time, and healing. And patience of course.

I'm anxious to start the medications since they take time to work, but I also don't mind waiting until we are back from our trip if I have to because we are not sure if I'll have any reactions or side effects to them yet, so at least if I do it will be easier to manage at home.

But this has slowed me down greatly as I've had some really great days and really horrifying days all mixed in together because of constantly starting/stopping medications, and the reactions I've had to them... it's been a bit of a roller coaster which reminds me to take every thing one day at a time and It sure has reminded me to be extra grateful for the good days, and the wonderful things in my life.

Kevin also has not been well, and he's sure had (has) his hands full with me. We've spent most of our days off the farm running to various Doctors appointments and tests for both of us, and the animals too.

On the farm, it's been busy of course, it is spring after all!

We had the last of our kids in late May - two adorable Pygmy kids!!! Will-O-Wisp and Thorin. Will-O-Wisp be joining my herd, I wanted a Pygmy doeling so badly this year and also a brown one and I got my wish thanks to Dahlia! Thorin is the nicest colored Pygmy buck ever, he is SO handsome. I'd love to let him join the herd as a buck, but he's related to everyone, so when he is weaned later in the summer he will be looking for a special new home.

He has such a stunning face! and he's super sweet to boot.

There is no better therapy than snuggle therapy!

This kid is such a lover. Will-O-Wisp is very sweet but she is more stubborn and independent (like her mom) where Thorin is very laid back.

Flavious, exhausted from keeping track of all the babies...

They have been growing like weeds! Even this picture is almost two weeks old! My goats finally just now stopped shedding - it's been so cool this June, and even today (almost July!) we darn near need the wood stove on to chase the chill away.

Spriggan, my other purebred Pygmy buckling from this spring (who I wrote about leash training in an older post) got neutered last week as he'll be staying. He's a sweetheart and he won me over. I really don't need another wether in the herd (since most of my herd is wethers now) but he's a doll and actually, Kevin didn't even fight me on this one :)

He was pretty sleepy after his neuter!

Personally I like the surgical option best because I find it causes the least pain - and even healing is easier. Since I have a small herd I don't have to worry about infection/dirt and in a pinch if the bugs were bad, he could stay in the house. But we don't even have any flies yet because it's been so cool. He was dopey for the rest of the day from his sedation and pain meds but it didn't take long for him to get back on his feet and start eating.

Moon Pie, our other buckling from this year had some health issues in the past month which we had to over come but I am feeling pretty confident at this point we have done that, he's doing very well right now and he's sweet as pie still. It's pretty likely he'll end up getting neutered as well.

Buckwheat, my Saanen billy goat passed away which was difficult, but it was expected as he's been declining due to age for some time... I've watched him steadily slow down. It was actually quite peaceful and quick but it's still just as hard. I raised him from a baby, and he was the sweetest goat ever, even as a buck, he never once pushed me or even didn't listen, he was always a good boy.

The sheep got sheared for the summer of course...

Emerald continues to be the apple of my eye, she is as sweet as they come and she loves her walks with me and the dogs, and she still comes to the house regularly to visit. She wants to stay, even though she is getting REALLY big now! :)

Rollie had an allergic reaction a few weeks ago to shampoo - a hypoallergenic one too! He's had them in the past, but never this bad. His hives were terrible and his face swelled badly, and benadryl wasn't cutting it so we made an emergency trip to the Vet to get more meds, (different antihistamine and steroids) which thankfully, did the trick. We were beyond worried. His throat was open and he was breathing fine but for sure it was the worst reaction we've dealt with, and we've been here before, finding out the hard way years ago that both Douglas and Norman are allergic to bees, while in Alaska, 200 miles away from the nearest Vet.

I also managed with Jim's help moving stuff, to get our sun room cleaned up a bit so we could use it. Since Kevin can no longer work with wood without having a serious allergic reaction himself, we haven't been able to finish the room because we can't find anyone who knows how to work with wood and finishing work to help us... so it's kind of just been a storage room/waiting to get finished. But now we'll at least be able to sit out there this summer/fall and enjoy it :)

The boys love it.

Aside from that, every chance I get physically, I've been walking with the boys (and usually Emerald) which makes us all very happy and relaxed.

I did manage to get some planting done on my deck garden, smaller scale than last year. Although I have all my usual dozens of herbs, I didn't manage 100 pepper plants, we have a couple dozen instead and some tomatoes, and a few veggies.

Even Douglas enjoys the smell of the roses!

My herbs are the most important thing for me to plant anyway, and I'm glad I was at least able to do some planting this spring.

When we return from our trip, hopefully I'll be able to start my new medications. We'll also be cutting hay if all goes well, and it will be time to start preparing for what is coming... fall and then winter! So our focus will turn to making sure we are as prepared as possible, and enjoying the last of the warmer good days... if it ever warms up again! :) We are grateful for the rain right now however, even if it is cool outside... our hay is up but not nearly where we'd expect it to be so we are hoping this extra rain really perks it up.

Tomorrow I just have to pack the 5th wheel and if all goes well we'll make the 12 hour drive to the Soo on Tuesday. We look forward to a little break away, and visiting family.

I apologize again for not writing often and I am hoping soon some kind of normalcy will return to me. I am really positive about these new medications - scary as they are, and so hopeful I will find some relief and start moving in the right direction towards healing. I can't wait!

Coming back to life...

2015-05-08T13:35:00.000-04:00

It has been very warm (in the 70s F) here the past few days so we've been taking advantage of it the best we can. My days are pretty up and down but I have been completely making the best of what I've got and enjoying my critters, and the sunshine when I can.

Emerald loves coming to the house for a daily visit, she climbs right up the porch, comes inside and then heads out on the deck with me and the dogs. She also joins me and the dogs on our walks. I started teaching Spriggan my Pygmy buckling how to walk on a leash too - now is the best time for him to learn and he's a real sweetheart. He had a blast at the house. It's going to take work, but he'll get more and more used to it as we go (the leash part, he loves being at the house!)

On Monday, during the full moon, Beatrice finally gave birth to a beautiful little buckling! He is so precious and so tiny. He's a Saanen/Pygmy mix.

He has the sweetest face - Beatrice's kids always do.

And his ears are still floppy. He's a heartbreaker.

I brought him to the house the other night because Kevin had not seen him - and since then he's been making regular short visits just to snuggle. He's super sweet and LOVES being held. You can kind of see how small he is - he's very small, Chihuahua sized but it's so hard to see in all the pictures I have of him so far.

I was having a rough morning today but after an hour snuggling this sweet baby it sure seemed a lot better! He's not a bottle baby, his mama is happily caring for him, but you wouldn't know he wasn't, he even loves the dogs already.

We've been trying to walk every day, even if it's a short one. It's good for all of us. It's hard on me sometimes but I need it too and spending as much time with the animals as I can is healing in itself, and good for my spirit.

Little (well not so little anymore!) Emerald is just a doll, she's such a sweetheart. I couldn't have asked for a sweeter baby.

She sure loves her little dogs too! And her big ones... as soon as she goes back to the barnyard, she goes straight to the big dogs.

The forest is just alive with all kinds of wildflowers. We need rain pretty badly though, now is the time for it, and it's quite dry... too dry.

Spriggan actually walked a whole lot better on the leash once the little dogs joined us... I thought Emerald would be enough but he wasn't sure about it, but once the little dogs were there he walked much better on his lead. Sadly I only have pink collars right now and he's too small for a halter (any of mine) so he's stuck with pink at least for right now! He only wears it to learn to walk on lead of course, and actually he did quite wonderful for a first time.

I should be training Emerald on a lead now but she does so wonderful, she follows right along behind or beside me that I haven't bothered. Even when she is in the house at this size, or on our deck, she is so calm and well behaved it's quite surprising.

Spriggan the adorable.

Since it was warm enough to dry off outside the boys all had baths too, which they didn't really enjoy but needed pretty badly. It's almost time for their annual check ups and vaccines, we bring them all at once so it's quite an afternoon!

They have been loving being able to sun themselves on the deck again, it's one of their favorite things.

I also got to go for a ride on our trails with Kevin and Rollie, it's been ages since I've been out in the forest here, and we even got to the big creek which is quite far. I haven't seen the creek since fall. It felt amazing to be out, to see the forest waking up and coming back to life, and feel a little normalcy despite everything.

I've been trying to enjoy every minute I can that's good - and the moments that aren't, I focus on the good. I am blessed with such a great family, and it sure helps having the kinder weather returning, although the bugs are quickly waking up too! I keep hoping to get my seeds started but I haven't had the energy yet. The energy I do have I have been putting directly into just being with the animals and it's been 100% worth it even if I can't get anything else done! :)

I hope you all have a wonderful weekend friends!

Major spring catch up

2015-05-03T14:13:00.003-04:00

Well I started writing this post weeks ago. Actually, a month ago. These pictures are all from March and early April but I still wanted to share them before I move on to hopefully more recent events!

The whole month of April has really been a blur to me, at least the past 3 weeks. I became terribly ill again with this ongoing illness I've been battling since my surgeries - it's not endometriosis or related to the surgeries but it's an underlying condition we've not been able to pin down even though we have been trying. I go through flare ups, periods when things are just beyond terrible, and then times when everything feels like it's going to be just fine, so it's been confusing and obviously, frustrating.

But finally this time I became so ill, I ended up in the hospital for 6 days. It was not fun, and it was not a good experience. No one ever wants to stay in the hospital but I was not offered treatment quickly, I did not eat for 7 days, and it just wasn't a good experience. I had tests run and I was let out with a probable diagnosis and given no treatment, so I continued to be just as violently ill and in terrible pain. I was told it would take 1-2 weeks to get the biopsy results back and that we'd just have to wait. But because I was given nothing, the inflammation I had was just getting worse. We were thankfully finally able to find something and know it's likely Ulcerative colitis, but I'm still waiting to see the specialists and discuss this further in the coming weeks.

Thankfully a week after getting out of the hospital, I was able to see my nurse in New York State whom I've been seeing since November and while they were speaking with a GI Doctor to get me a referral, the Doctor told them to start me on prednisone to give me some relief as I wait for test results and appointments. So thankfully I started that almost a week ago, and have had some relief from it - not total, but for sure it's helping. Plus it just feels good to be moving forward instead of just being sick and waiting for someone to do something while I get worse. Since I have been out of the hospital, I have almost ended up back there 3 times so far.

It's still very touchy and I've got a way to go, but I'm much stronger and able to eat some things (sometimes) so that has helped a lot. I lost almost 10 pounds in the hospital just from not eating.

I'm very used to pain, but personally I've never been this sick on top of the pain, so it was a new experience for me. I thought I had faced a lot with my 7 surgeries and they were a handful but certainly this was much more trying and scary.

Also it was very difficult being in a mixed ward of people, some recovering from surgery, some dying. No privacy. I realized how spoiled I had been after my past two surgeries, I had nurses who came as soon as I called, I had my own room, it was quiet. People here were constantly screaming in agony or fear, crying, yelling. My senses were overloaded in the worst possible ways. And almost every night I had less than 1 hour of sleep, so I was a little crazy from the exhaustion. I felt terrible for everyone there, especially the people who would not be getting a chance to leave. It was heartbreaking.

So of course just being home has helped, in my own bed, with my animals, it's quiet, and I can manage my symptoms better than they were even being managed in the hospital. They were unable to control my migraine so I suffered for days with it, it was blinding and part of why I got so ill. It was caused by the initial pain meds they gave me but also from not eating anything, and being dehydrated, so at least at home I'm eating some but I'm also able to stop the migraine before it gets out of control, which didn't happen there.

So back to this post, I haven't been able to share all my pictures of my now healthy happy fat lambie, Emerald who was born unable to properly walk and with a smushed (slack) face... she almost died on me, but after I got her through that she has done nothing but flourish and she is happy and healthy! As are the other kids born in March.

In early April the sap ran and we were able to get a good store of maple syrup put up too, Kevin boiled for 5 days straight and we got a few really good batches of syrup.

The weather was slow changing but we've enjoyed the past few days some really warm temperatures with some periods of sunshine, lots of afternoon wind which is typical. But things are greening now, and the forest is waking up quickly.

It was very difficult when this little girl was ready to move to the barn after a month...

She was nothing but sweetness and snuggles...

And every evening we cuddled in the recliner for hours.

And she'd pass out...

It was a tough transition on both of us, but she did fine and once she started spending the days with the goat kids, she started to learn about eating hay and grain... and that maybe she wasn't a person after all... at least not totally :)

My heart could not have been happier that we were able to get through the first couple of weeks of her life. This was a tough one and I'm still not totally sure how I managed it sometimes.

But it was worth it. I have a beautiful healthy little girl.

Who is sweet as pie. And of course once she moved up to the barn, Max took over and watched her for me when I wasn't there, as he does with all the bottle babies.

He loves all the kids, but the bottle babies bond closely with him right away, they are used to dogs and someone just know he'll take care of them. The other kids when they first meet him are kind of surprised this wolf is supposed to be their protector! This years Pygmy buckling wasn't so sure about it when he first saw Max.

There was a lot of excitement when the sap finally begun to run after so many weeks of nothing. We were getting kind of worried the run would either be super short, or the sap would be no good by the time it did run. Without the right conditions the sap will not be clear and the taste won't be good either, and that makes for bad tasting syrup.

But we got good sap, and the guys worked hard. We also had some decent weather so it was extra nice working at the sugar shack.

Syrup, almost ready!

Our new sap tank worked really great in the mule for collecting the sap this year, much easier to transport with a lot less waste than the barrels we used to use.

I wasn't able to help with the work, but I visited a few times and brought homemade cookies and food for the guys, and also did my part sitting by the fire, keeping "watch."

The goats sure were glad when the sun finally came back. This year we've had so little sun it's been tough on everyone.

The big dogs however LOVE the snow, so they were sad to see it go and would sleep on it even when there were only small spots of it left. They are happiest in the winter as they are made for it.

Horace turned EIGHT years old!

The little dogs were excited as the snow started to go away because finally they could smell stuff again, and Rollie could start chasing chipmunks, which is his favorite pass time.

I enjoy the early spring nights, cool, but with that hint of warmness, that promise that things will start changing.

We had our usual early April snows too. We finally got rid of the snow and then this would happen.

But we knew it wouldn't stay and it was pretty wet snow that stuck to everything.

In early April a few of our deer friends came back after being gone for weeks again. Not many returned but a few did, and they stayed for a week or so and then went off for the spring.

When I went into the hospital it still looked like this.

Douglas wasn't thrilled about it either, especially since it had finally just went away.

While I was in the hospital it rained a lot and when I got home the grass was turning green and the first wild flowers were just starting to blossom.

I was able to get out in the forest for a bit with Kevin a few days ago for the first time in months and it felt so good to be in the forest, to see her waking up, coming back to life. And today I went up to the barn for a bit, I had not been to the barn in three weeks at all, so you can imagine how good it felt just to see the animals and spend some time with them.

Now I'm back to resting, but I have plenty of new pictures and hopefully will be able to work on a new post now that I've caught up a bit.

This is an ongoing journey, but I'm just counting my blessings and hoping this leads to me finally being able to find a way to manage this, and get better, or live a much more functional life. If I get to the right Doctors and right treatments I feel confident I can finally have some relief and not just go around in circles, at least that's my hope, so I'm hopeful about this spring, and hopeful for the months ahead.

The "In between" times...

2015-03-21T14:03:00.000-04:00

Once again I started writing this post ages ago. I've been so tired and keeping myself too busy to properly focus. But today, I'm going to give it a try! So, here we go...

Spring, like Autumn, is such an enchanting time. It's a time when our senses seem heightened, when life and death seem more visible than usual. They are a time of change and renewal so powerful, so apparent, we cannot ignore it.

Out of all the months, October and March are probably the most powerful for me for a number of reasons. But let's talk about March, since she is here and keeping all the attention to herself right now.

March is chaotic. And she is moody. She is unpredictable, and a little... insane. She is powerful, and Vibrant. She is like a lioness waking up from a sleep induced by exhaustion and a full stomach after gorging after the hunt.

I recognize this energy and relate to it on so very many levels.

On the farm, in my world, March brings a whole lot of work, but rewarding work. But despite it's rewards it can be costly, and it's very sensitive. March brings goat kids, and lambs, sometimes healthy brilliant ones, sometimes ones that are weak, or need a whole lot of help to get or continue thriving. The sleepy times of keeping warm and full during winter are over, and the time of life, and, also, death, comes roaring in. There is that old saying, "In like a Lion, out like a lamb" or vice versa, about the weather in March. For me, I don't remember many years when March did not come in like a Lion, and I'm not just speaking about the weather.

On the animal front, my herd is doing great. Every one is still fat, healthy, beside themselves with excitement for the sunshine and warmer, longer days.

Ruby and Horace sunning themselves...

Scarface assures me spring is here...

On the 8th, one of my Pygmy goats kidded for the first time. She had twins. One stillborn, one super weak, unable to stand. She was an excellent mom right away, cleaning her baby, talking to him, and standing for him to nurse. I got him nursing with some effort, and the colostrum and milk was flowing well into his little body. Still, I knew he was a weakling. Very weak. But he was eating like a champ and she was a star, so he had the best chance possible. He got his doses of vitamins, and was kept warm. But he didn't make it very long. I took the loss hard, as I do every time and I immediately blamed myself, because I always immediately blame myself.

I have saved a lot more animals than I've ever lost, but I quickly forget that and focus only on those losses.

I mean I took it hard. I am an emotional person by nature. I think this is one of my best qualities but it can also be one of my worst and has sure caused plenty of problems in my life, mostly in my dealings with people and my relationships. I have been learning more self control (slowly!) mostly as I get older, and yes, wiser because of it. Age brings experience, more patience, and more understanding of life. I appreciate it more every single day.

But as I was in the depth of my despair, I was holding a bottle, feeding a lamb who by all means should not be here at all. And she was eating vigorously, and happily...

I've fought many battles, and sometimes I win, sometimes I loose. But I choose to fight. No one is forcing me to do it. I choose to fight, and I choose to choose life. I'm grateful for the experiences and for Kevin allowing me to have them. He loves the animals but emotionally he's not equipped either and he doesn't like the stress, or what he sees me go through when it's bad. Although I know he loves having the animals in his life too regardless.

I realized also how much my illness has taught me. While it's been so easy for me to focus on the pain, the frustration, the depression... It's also been helping grow in ways I never even realized I could. I feel it. It's changed me and all of the ways it has changed me have not been bad.

The next morning I woke up to Emerald calling for me to get her morning bottle. I was already awake and had been for some time. I was lying in bed, listening. I was worried. Would she call me this morning? Is it later than usual? I refused to look at the clock because I did not want to know. Then I heard from the living room: Baaa. The first one tame, and then as each baa came the level of her voice and urging building. I sat up, looked at the clock. She was right on time, a little early actually.

So I warmed her bottle, fed her. Then as is our routine now she cuddled with me and the dogs while I had coffee, she got her vitamins and another bottle, and then I decided to put her in her bed for a bit so that I could go outside with the dogs for a short walk.

It was 35 degrees F when I had woken up at 7 and it was still the same when we went outside for a walk at 9. The dogs were thrilled to be outside and not be cold. Rollie is beside himself with excitement that the squirrels are out and chipmunks... so many critters to chase again!

We walked down our road so I could check to see if the sap was running.

Tuesday the 10th, Rollie and I helped Kevin put out the first of our buckets for this year, and then I came inside to rest, while Kevin and Jim finished putting out the rest of the start of our buckets - 50 so far. We've done up to 80 but cannot keep up with the amount of sap. Our evaporator only makes a gallon a day, and that day consists of 10-12 hours of steady burning and keeping the right temperature. So we are airing on the side of caution this year so we don't waste any.

One of my favorite rituals of March is tasting the cold, crisp, sap and really, the life force of the earth and the tree. I thank her each spring for her abundance. If you do not respect nature, how can you expect for respect in return?

The sap was indeed running, although the sun was not shining. I love how moody March is during any given day. Sunshine. Nope clouds. Now snow. Maybe rain. Maybe ice. Nope slush.

The sap run is just beginning and even though so far, we only make 5 or 6 gallons for ourselves it's still a lot of work. We are always exhausted during March, between the barn, regular chores and sugaring, it's a long, full, day. We often complain (all of us) at how tired we are, how sore we are. But every year we dream of this time, and look forward to it. The good, the bad, the ugly, the sweet. If it wasn't worth it, we would have stopped long ago.

I can't imagine not living closely with the seasons, or with the earth, or my animals. It's hard work, physically, mentally, emotionally, I've said before it's not for the faint of heart. You either toughen up, or give up. I've often thought it was time to give up, and while it is a time of change for me as physically I am less capable, and Kevin grows older, it's not a time of giving up. I have toughened up, in some ways. But in most ways I am still that highly emotional girl I was when I started this venture 12 years ago this spring. I'm also a lot smarter too. Possibly also, more crazy.

And if there is one gift, one lesson I'm learning now that I wish for every single person, young or old, it is to love yourself fully, any flaw, any insecurity, any vulnerability. Young people, especially girls, spend a great deal of time fighting this. I know I have, and I still do. But I feel an acceptance, and an appreciation growing inside of me for the challenges I can and have over come, that I hope continues to.

We are all flawed, we are all growing and evolving all the time on our journey through life, and no one, I don't care who they are, knows it all. And while we need to take responsibility for ourselves and our lives, decisions... we also need to accept that every one is human. I read something beautiful the other day that someone said... that to be open to love, you have to be open to loss. It's true, and it's meant on many different levels. Shift your focus from the pain, we all suffer through it in different ways. Focus on the light, and it's always there, even when it doesn't seem like it is.

I'm so grateful Emerald is stable. She is beyond precious. This picture shows it well, but do you see the smirk on her face? It's very cute - but it's also a sign of something.

As I watched her yesterday eating, pooping, peeing, functioning well except for a continuous limp with her front leg it dawned on me, her face and the leg are neurological. Possibly. She has had both problems since she was born, and she wasn't breathing. So it's possible it's part of her problem or damage caused during the birthing from her positioning, from the trouble the Ewe had with her. She can see, and she is very alert now, and today she was even finally playing again, although she walks like her one leg is a peg. I thought yesterday it was pain I saw in the leg, and that might be. I gave her something for it and saw no response, but I'll continue to treat it for inflammation and pain. But I think also there is a chance it's damage. We will see in time.

She is improving and eating, and while we are not out of the woods, I'm grateful for both, especially to see her more lively.

She is such a sweet gentle soul, and she adores the dogs, especially Douglas. I think it's mutual.

On the 11th at 2 PM, I was up at the barn checking on the girls and noticed Aurora was loosing her mucus plug. It was getting closer. As this is her first kid, and her sister had trouble, I was worried so I wanted to make sure I was there.

And I was there... for hours. When nothing had changed by 7 PM, I did the evening chores and came home to make dinner and feed Emerald again. Jim and I were doing hourly checks. He checked at 9, and I checked at 10;30- and everyone was asleep. Aurora was also just relaxing. I watched her for a while and saw she was OK so I headed home.

After a good warm day, the night felt cool and damp. The air is warmer but it chills you quicker. It was dark outside, but I like walking to the barn in the dark, I know the path and I can see quite well as long as nothing interrupts my eyes (like lights). The stars were SO bright, I couldn't stop looking up. It was an incredible show, like a painting, and with the leaves still off the trees they were glowing through the branches of all the big, dark, sleepy trees.

I knew Jim would check at midnight. His cabin is fairly close to the barn, by our sugar house. He'd come get me if anything changed yet. I had just fed Emerald again and at midnight was closing my eyes in bed. When there was a knock at the door.

It was Jim. Aurora was screaming.

I ran in the dark with Jim running behind me up to the barn. She was indeed screaming, which isn't terribly unusual and she is very vocal, the most of any of my goats, but when I got there I could see the kid was positioned right but in trouble. So I got down and reached in. One leg was stuck, so she couldn't get him out. I fixed it and he quickly fell out.

He was trying to get up before he was even loose, I wiped some of the bulk of goo off him, and cleared his nose and mouth.

He went to her and she put her head down and hit him, not a good sign. But while she was pushing him away, she was licking him... I could see her instincts kick in but she was confused. What new mom isn't.

I checked for another baby coming with my hand and did not feel one, but she was big enough for two and she is a Pygmy.

Meanwhile she got up and really went to work cleaning him, all the while talking to him. After a while he started looking for milk, and after a while of watching him struggle, I helped. It took a bit, but I cleared her teats so the milk was flowing well, and got him to suck. He was up but clumsy so having a hard time getting food. She was standing for him but not for long. I got out of the pen and just watched, letting them have space and after some more time, he nurse twice on his own.

Just after 2 she passed her placenta so we were done. He was still nursing. Finally I could sleep.

For less than 4 hours.

Then it was up with Emerald.

The next morning I felt a little zombie like, I had a lot of coffee, and Aurora and her little boy were doing great.

He's got a fully tummy and he's very fiesty and strong, as a healthy kid should be.

Aurora loves her little guy, she's a great mom. It's heart warming.

I went up for a quick check again of the baby at 9:30 and I noticed Brie had discharge and had totally pawed up her pen.

I waited an hour and with no change, I came home to tend to Emerald and the dogs, and do laundry... and we started every 1/2 hr checks based on where she was at with it. We were really hoping she wouldn't also wait until midnight!

At 3:30 Jim went up to check since I was in the middle of being crazy - when I get over tired I get hyper, so I was making Shepherds pie, Maple syrup pie, buttertart bars, hard boiling eggs, making the bed up with all new bedding, and doing laundry. I was just realizing I was crashing and needed to take a break when he came right back and got me. It was time.

Once we got there Brie had a healthy Saanen kid already up, and almost nursing without any assistance. I went in and cleared the plugs from her teats so the milk was flowing free and easy and within minutes he was nursing several times on his own. She was also tending to him like a star, better than I've ever seen her tend to her kids. She always get a little moody with them but this guy she was all over. He's big, healthy, and strong, and I'm grateful for that.

I was also happy to see that Aurora's little boy was nursing at the exact moment I went to check in on them.

I've also noted that everyone came through the winter quite well since all the does that kidded don't even look like they did, they are still so fat!

Now, back to today the 21st of March.

It's spring now, and heavy wet flakes of snow are falling from the sky.

I am worn out. But everyone is doing well. Jarlsburg, the Saanen buckling is huge! And Spriggan, the Pygmy buckling is fat and round and making good use of his built in Pygmy "spring" by hopping everywhere and never walking :)

Emerald is doing amazing. Two days ago she started spending the days at the barn because she needs to run around also spend time bonding to some of the animals there, so she spends the day playing with the goat kids inside and comes home for the evening/night. I'll continue that until the night time temperatures even out, hopefully next week, and then she'll move up there. She is growing like a weed and her leg has almost completely straightened out. She has NO limp. I am sure now all of her problems were because of out growing her mother and not having enough room. I am so grateful my hard work is paying off in this happy, energetic, fat lambie.

The sap has not run but maybe one day so far as the temperatures are not on our side. Even when it is above freezing the wind is bitter and cold. I'm not sure what this will mean, whether the run will come late or not at all. If the weather suddenly breaks into spring and does not ever find the happy balance of just below freezing at night and above during the day, we won't have much of a run. We've had almost no sunshine this month either, which has been tough on the trees and every one else.

Now hopefully, I'll be able to write a post that doesn't span the length of 2 weeks! I have many new pictures to share and plan to do so now that things are settling down for a moment. But I wanted to catch up with everything that happened here.

Yesterday and again today, I'm trying to get a little rest. Running on little sleep and lots of work has left me pretty worn out since I am still not myself. But I've been managing better than I would have expected. The dogs are thrilled to be able to rest since they find running around after me all day instead of sleeping all day, quite exhausting :)

I hope everyone has a wonderful weekend! I hope also that the sun comes out soon, we all need it or like the trees, we will also just want to stay asleep.

Full moon of March

2015-03-11T10:47:00.002-04:00

Note: I started writing this post on Thursday the 5th and because I want to get it published so I can move forward in my writing and updates, I'll share as is. So it starts Thursday and finishes off yesterday evening. :)

Yesterday started innocently enough. And actually after not seeing any changes in any of my pregnant girls throughout the night or early morning I decided to just focus on cleaning, maybe do some cooking and prepare for the busy days ahead. I wasn't even going to go to the barn again at noon but just wait and check again later.

But then I did end up going to the barn, all because I thought I heard something that I never did. I thought I heard something that triggered me to trudge the 300 feet through the snow again to check on everyone.

When I got there, everyone was fine. But I noticed Aurora's babies were moving around in her tummy, changing positions. Then as I stood there and just watched them eat some hay, Aurora had some contractions. Then she went full on nibbling her sides, squatting, pawing at the ground. All major signs of something happening. Her body had changed as the kids moved, and she was even looking at her tummy, nibbling it, and then making faces.

So I stayed with her for quite a while. A couple of hours past and she had been lying in a nest she had dug chewing her cud, relaxing, so I decided to take advantage of the lull and go home to get some more water and a snack.

I was so distracted by my thoughts, I was halfway home before I even realized Kevin had plowed for me so I wasn't walking through the deep, wet, melting snow anymore that was up past my knees. I hadn't even heard him do it while I was in the barn!

I was at home for 3 minutes, I was super quick. As I approached the barn everyone was just milling around outside as usual, and my eyes roamed over them, I suddenly noticed Ruby, my ewe, lying up against the barn wall, flat out, pushing.

I had thought she wasn't bred until just recently. I decided to double check and found out she had indeed bagged up, but even though I knew she was pregnant I didn't expect her to go this early.

I did have it in my head that if anything was going to start happening, it would be now... I knew the full moon would stir things up. It always does.

My first thought was that I would have to carry her into the barn, and I couldn't do that by myself. The guys were over at the Sugar Shack getting it opened up and the chimney secured because any day now we'll be tapping trees and then making maple syrup. Both Kevin and I have cell phones but the connection out here isn't great. But good enough if I call, he'll know I need something.

But amazingly Ruby got up and ran towards the back of the barn, to the door she uses to come in and when I got back there, she came right inside the barn and went straight into her pen.

Then one of the most stressful hours of my life began.

I have delivered lambs before, and many kids. I have had good experiences, scary ones, terrible ones. But this one, this one was a huge challenge. The lamb was too big. And by too big I mean WAY to big. When it comes to birthing animals you need to call on your experiences, your knowledge (be it first hand or from books, Vets, etc) but you also need to use self control. You have to evaluate each situation to decide when and if to intervene because there is a fine line between, helping, saving a life, or causing trouble. A very fine line. Each situation is different.

After I watched her for a bit, I called the guys at the sugar house and Jim drove the ATV over to the barn to come and hold Ruby for me so I could feel in there and see what was happening. The first thing I noticed was the lamb needed help with positioning, so I moved it. I also noticed how huge the lamb was. And by huge I mean I had no idea how I could get her out of there without injuring or killing the ewe.

I told Jim to leave, and I backed off a bit to give Ruby space so not to stress her more. She was not in any serious duress at this time, breathing steadily, not panicking. The sheep, unlike the goats, don't love being handled. Especially the ewes when they are lambing. So I didn't want to stress her more than she was.

Horace says, he's glad he's a boy... and neutered.

Then panic set in. I was dangerously close to loosing both of them. The Vet would not be able to arrive for 40 minutes or so if called, way to long.

As my emotions fell down on me like an anvil I decided I had to trust in the Gods, and do my best. I didn't call for help from Jim again, I called on help from a different, non physical source.

I wanted to handle Ruby alone, because I wanted the least stress possible on her. Now, keeping in mind that I've been sick for so long and had two major surgeries on my body that I'm still trying to get over, somehow I summoned physical strength I didn't know was still in there. I somehow managed to hold on to Ruby, who didn't want to be a part of this but had no choice, and work on getting the lamb out. I was afraid of injuring her but at this point it was do or die. Obviously you can't just go in there and yank, but I needed to give it my all. I got one leg free and realized this time the other leg was stuck, so I moved it, and pulled it out. Ruby was not helping at all at this point.

Once I had both legs out, Ruby finally stopped trying to get away from me and started pushing but the head was stuck. The lambs head was HUGE and it was the problem. Even with the legs out. I just kept working it gently but firmly with my hand to get the head moved and finally, finally, I pulled both legs with all of the strength in my body with one hand while the other one guided the head so that Ruby would not get torn, the head not get twisted around...

The lamb slid out gently and onto the ground.

I opened her mouth, got her breathing quickly, and she took a giant gasp of air. Ruby got up and ran.

I fell backwards catching myself on my hands. I was out of energy and emotionally exhausted. I let a scream of shock and alarm out of me that came from somewhere deep inside of me. The fact that both animals were alive scrambled my brain. I've had mothers come close to loosing their kids, or have still borns, or have them be positioned wrong and stuck, but none of those were anything compared to this. I have never come that close to loosing both the mother and baby so fast. It's hard to describe.

The lamb was up on it's feet within seconds, I couldn't believe it. And she started coming straight for me so I got up quickly and got out of the pen to let her mother tend to her. Ruby is a first time mom, and those are usually the toughest for birthing and also for deciding whether or not the doe or ewe will care for her young or not. Some of them have no mothering instinct and absolutely will abandon them especially if they suspect weakness or any defects. It's just nature. And I am one for respecting nature, giving it time to work, I've learned that lesson of acceptance slowly, over many years, but on my farm, my animals are here because of me, they are my responsibility, and at some point I need to make a decision. I won't just let nature take it's course and let an abandoned lamb or kid die, although I've been given that advice before... I've never taken it. I also don't run a big time operation here for meat or dairy, even then I'd always choose life, but especially on our farm, and in my world, there is no option of just leaving things.

So I watched and I waited. The lamb went to Ruby but Ruby kicked her, and ran. I sighed because I had a feeling this would be trouble. I gave it more time and this kept up. If it was warmer outside I would have left them even longer than I did but it wasn't warm enough and I knew what was coming. So I tried to get Ruby to accept her, allow her to nurse, without annoying Ruby anymore than she already was. My efforts failed, and I knew it. I've been here enough to know when they have failed or when someone is being stubborn. I've forced does to nurse kids they have abandoned which works fine, but you also end up with a kid they usually will not allow near them when you are not forcing them to stand for the kid (I'm using the term kid here since mostly I have goats) so I decided in this case it was time to respond to the situation.

I called for help again. Jim came with the ATV, got me what I needed, and then held Ruby while I milked her to get colostrum. I didn't get very much, but some is better than none.

Then I ran the 300 feet home carrying the lamb in a blanket rather than riding the ATV because I was in a hurry. The lamb was soaking wet, had not been tended to at all, and was shaking now. I needed her dry, warm, fed, and calm.

The next little while was just chaos. I had planned on cleaning that morning, cooking a big meal in the crockpot so that we'd have leftovers, getting all my bottles ready just in case (for goats) and etc. etc. Since none of that happened, I tore around trying to find what I needed, trying to dry off this baby and clear her eyes, mouth, and get the fire going in the wood stove because it was out.

She took the bottle right away without even a seconds hesitation. I'm not sure I've had any bottle baby take the bottle as fast as her.

Oh yes, that's right. HER. Later, when things had calmed down we checked again because I thought it couldn't be true. Usually if I end up with a bottle baby it's a boy!

The dogs were beside themselves, they love babies, and they just wanted to clean her. After I got her fed and as dry as I could, I put her in about the fourth towel and Jim got me a big box and some hay for her and then went back to work with Kevin.

The lambie fell asleep in my arms so I just stood there for a long time, letting her sleep, snuggle, feel loved, calm, and safe. She'd been through a lot.

The evening consisted of me using my emergency frozen pizzas. I buy a couple at maple syrup time because when I'm having babies in the barn and we are boiling sap for 12 hours a day, if I forgot to put the crock pot on, or didn't make dinner, we'd be mighty hungry. We have a ton of food in this house but it all needs to be cooked, I should have more freezer meals prepared but that hasn't been possible lately with my health.

It's also not that easy to cook holding a lambie! But it can be done...

Afterwards, I milked Ruby again, and was pleased to see she was up, eating. Not bleeding any more than she should be. Bright eyed.

By evening Aurora had not changed at all since her earlier antics. No change in her appearance and she seemed to forget that anything was happening. I honestly think part of the reason for her antics was to keep me in the barn. Had she not been acting strange, I would never have stayed up there. Ruby wasn't even on my radar for lambing. I truly believe that.

After the animals were all put to bed and fed, and the people, I showered and held the baby until finally she allowed me to put her in her bed to sleep (she'd fuss every time I tried) and I was asleep shortly after.

And she let me sleep for a while, which was nice. Goat kids will go to bed, usually by 10 PM a bottle goat kid (young enough) will sleep and usually they sleep all through the night. But the only other lamb I ever raised which was Braveheart, had me up every hour. He was sick of course, but still, I didn't know what to expect.

At 6 AM the Kakarikis birds started Kaking. This woke me up, and then right after I heard baaing. I got up, looked at the temperature outside, 6 degrees F. I noticed the Wild Turkeys were sleeping in the driveway just past our garage, by the garden.

I heated up some milk while the lamb, named Emerald since her mom is Ruby, hopped around the kitchen happily. She took her bottle right away and filled up. She was happy to greet the day. I was exhausted, but happy to see her so full of life and not weak, she was running around on our floors without even falling over already which is a big feat, especially when you are a new born on stilts.

I put the coffee on, and went up to the barn to check for babies especially since it was chilly out. When I got there everyone was still sleeping and nothing interesting was happening. Ruby was up, bright eyed still.

Back at home I had put Emerald in her bed and thought I would take a cup of coffee back to my own bed to lie there quietly and read for a while. I knew I wouldn't be able to go back to sleep. But as soon as I lied down, she started calling for me. I wanted to try and let Kevin sleep, so I got up, closed the door and went to the living room with her. She quickly fell asleep in my lap in the recliner without ANY fuss and she slept, and I drank 4 cups of coffee.

I was able to get more colostrum out of Ruby Thursday morning and Emerald drank it all, which made me feel so relieved. The colostrum, first milk, is essential to life. I've been lucky enough to have both a goat kid and a lamb survive that never got it - but Braveheart was a struggle to save and he lost high eye sight, and Sammy, my heart goat, who came from a big dairy operation, had horrible joint deformities and problems because of it. Emeralds systems started working very quickly after her first feeding Wed night which surprised me, she peed which was fine, but she had her first poo almost right away and it was a healthy first one, which meant the colostrum she got worked, but I felt a lot of relief giving her even more the next morning.

So Thursday and Friday were fine, tiring, busy, but fine.

Then Saturday morning Emerald was her usual self, and after breakfast she was lying on me sleeping with the dogs while I had coffee. She peed on me. I thought it was awfully strange since she had always told me previously she wanted up, and then she'd pee. But she was out like a light, clearly dreaming and I thought that was why she did it. And at first I didn't even get up, I sat there with my pants wet and let her sleep more. But then she did it again.

By then I had noticed her nose felt awfully hot too. I got her up and could see something drastic had changed in the past 1/2 hr.

I still have no idea what happened. She had none of the usual symptoms of any of the usual or expected things that would affect a newborn lamb, especially an orphan. She crashed fast, and HARD. Honestly I don't think I've ever had that fast of a decline and I've had a lot of bottle babies and sick ones, from other farms, or mine. I've also raised a goat kid and lamb that never got colostrum, Braveheart who got an infection in his blood and went blind, and Sammy who came from a big dairy farm and had some type of infection even the Vet's couldn't figure out. I saved both of them through a lot of effort - and many times they were on deaths door. But this was so shockingly fast and so not obvious as to the cause I wasn't sure how to respond.

So I spent the entire day covering all my bases. She got a shot of penicillin, Vitamin A &D, Selenium. She got oral Vitamins, electrolytes via syringe. She got something to settle her stomach. She got multiple temperature checks and also an enema (those things she especially did not appreciate.)

She couldn't lift her head, would not take food. She was accepting the electrolytes via syringe but not without a fuss.

Then finally at 7 PM, she was in her house sleeping because I had just finished dinner... and she woke up and asked me for milk, on her own. And she ate it.

Since Saturday, she has been eating very aggressively and very well. Her systems were not totally normal on Sunday, Monday I started getting a little movement of poop and more pee but lots of mucus, of course because of the upset. Today her poops are perfectly healthy. This is a big marker of how things are inside of her. She's also held her pee while sleeping on me until I let her up. She's still quite lethargic however. But we've made it this far which has been a huge achievement.

Yesterday I had a particularly hard morning on the farm, and lack of sleep and my already struggling body doesn't help. So I took a walk, and ended up sitting in a tree, with a cup of coffee. I walked to that tree through snow up to my waist, but it was worth it.

I sat there and I listened to the birds singing in the trees, the first sounds of spring, of the change that is in the air. Of new hope. New life.

I have learned a valuable lesson or at least I am learning it, finally. I have realized all of the losses I have had in the past and been through with any of my animals be it through rescue or on the farm, as difficult as they were, have given me not only a greater knowledge but also a higher intuition. As Kevin was preparing to deal with my likely heartbreak again on the weekend, which we've had enough of because when caring for animals it is inevitable. This stuff is not for the faint of heart... I realized even though I am fully invested as usual in this lamb, I have to accept only the things I can control, and release the things I cannot. That might sound ridiculous but it can be so hard to accept. I'm not saying I am there, but I am suddenly aware of it more.

If we cannot accept it, we cannot have peace. Every animal I have ever lost is in my heart, especially the toughest ones that I fought to save. I have always looked at that as only pain, but suddenly I realize in it's own way, it was also a gift.

I know I am doing all the right things, and I know Emerald has as strong a spirit as any newborn I've ever met. Together I hope we can get through this.

I'm ending this here for now, because she is asking for a bottle!

Hello world!

2015-03-03T16:41:00.004-05:00

I started working on this post weeks ago and never finished it even though I have been meaning to, and trying to.

January was a very rough month for me, and February, although *knock on wood* I'm slowly catching up to where I was before in November and early December.

I had a major set back when my Doctor changed the medication I have been on for a year. It was changed at the end of November and for a while things were OK but then things got really out of control very quickly. My entire body went into a flare up with symptoms I've never even had before and old ones stopping in to visit. We did blood work, a CT scan, and took me off all the new meds (3 of them) and put me back on the one I was on originally and after a few weeks of that, things slowly started to calm back down and by slowly, I mean slower than molasses in January.

It was really trying, physically, and mentally for me. It was like going back a year in time pain wise and everything was out of control. This is all due to a problem we've not been able to manage properly yet through surgery or meds, not the main issues that my surgeries either greatly improved or completely fixed. We haven't been able to fix this issue but we know for a fact now that the medication I've been on, while not making it go away, has obviously been keeping it at a more manageable level than any of us (Doctors included) realized.

Finally now I've been coming around although I'm still really tired, and still managing some symptoms, I'm starting to get back to where I was which is to say I am functioning a lot better, can at least get up and out of bed, and am not in uncontrollable pain. And along with that, my mind is waking back up. My mind, my creativity. I can finally think again clearly to write, I'm cooking more, I'm able to draw, get to the barn. So I feel a lot more motivated, inspired, and more like myself.

Finally I am rejoining the world again! It was stressful emotionally for me because I wasn't sure what was happening, or why, and neither was anyone else. It's emotionally draining when you are so consumed with what is happening to you that you can't see past it. But this has been a great time of learning for me as well, learning to stand up for myself better when it comes to my health care, learning what is going on with my body better, and learning how to teach myself better coping mechanisms as I move forward. So it wasn't all in vain, although it would never have happened had my new Doctor not changed my medications. I've still got a very long journey ahead of me, but at least I can see the road again, I was walking blind for quite a while again.

February was a very cold month here at the farm and this year we did not get our usual January thaw or one in Feb. We usually get at least a couple of days of warm temperatures where we can clean in the barn and things thaw out a bit. Last winter was brutally cold but even then we had a break, this Feb it was cold and stayed that way. This winter our well froze for the first time ever (it was easily fixable thankfully but still!) The water to our barn froze for the first time ever to the point where we have been unable to use it for over a month. Our mule (ATV) froze - the engine. We've never had that happen in 7 years.

But just now, it's breaking a little bit, the sun is starting to come back... Even though March has just arrived you can feel the change in the wind, it's not bitter cold, but it's that damp March wind that is warmer, but makes you chilled quickly when it's blowing. And even though March threatens to bury us in snow and it's completely unpredictable, at least we know spring is coming, we don't just know it, we can feel it.

Things on the farm leading up until now have been typical for winter: basic and routine. Just... survival. The animals get fed and watered and kept warm, fire wood is cut and stacked, brought into the house and thrown into the wood stove to keep the house warm. Meals are prepared and minds are to be occupied. These are the times during the busiest seasons, part of us looks forward to. But during that time it's impossible not to long for the excitement of the seasons ahead.

It's been the same in the forest, everyone has just been trying to stay warm and full... and be patient.

The Woodpeckers...

Porcupines...

Wild Turkeys...

And our Deer friends. This picture is from January. We only have two or three deer now, which is quite alarming. But our turkey population is higher than usual.

Every day we have a group of Males, and a group of females that come through past the house, and stop to eat seed. The wind is scattering the seeds off the Sumac trees which is a favorite of everyone.

The little dogs are more than happy to, and actually prefer to, spend all day in bed. When I can't do anything they sleep with me constantly, get up for pee breaks and meals and that's about it. It's so bad that when I am feeling better and am up most of the day or all day, they actually get really annoyed! Douglas just puts himself back in bed, and the Chihuahua's go from bed to the wood stove, to their new recliners. We got a new King sized bed and a bunch of furniture in December after Christmas and it just arrived the second week of Feb. Everyone is extra spoiled now!

But when it's warm enough they come with me on short walks which they enjoy, as long as they get to come home and go back to bed!

When we were out the other day I noticed there were Coyote tracks very near the house next to the turkey freeway. I found scat as well, just below the house by our garden. Hopefully he was just passing through.

The little dogs also enjoy going up for a visit to the rest of the family...

Jackson had gotten his halter off because I had it so loose... when he gets it off like this (which he
does every winter) he thinks he's a wild man. I used to take it off completely for the winter but I leave it on loose now because he likes to think he's a wild horse without it on... as soon as it's on, he's calm, collected, and sweet as usual.

He wouldn't take any treats from me that day because he thought I was using them as a distraction to fix his halter (I was, but don't tell him) and he was very suspicious of me and my "gifts..." they needed to be left for him in his bowl to collect at a time of his own choosing...

But no one else had a problem taking the treats!

And they even shared with each other... kind of!

Got more?

Lavender and Beatrice

Braveheart and friends...

Douglas feeling very tough, from this side of the gate....

(I wanted to share this picture but I want to add this was taken several weeks ago, we've gotten a lot more snow since then in case you've wondered from the pictures!)

Now things are slowly starting to build up at the farm. Kevin and Jim are getting the sugar house ready as soon it will be time to tap. We made a trip a couple of weeks ago over to Vermont to Leader Evaporator company to buy some more supplies, including a 65 gallon tank to put in the back of the mule which will be easier to carry the sap from the bush to the sugar shack in. We have several barrels we use for this now, but they are heavy and spill quite a bit. There is a lot of work to be done to get ready and if the weather man can be trusted, the sap may run in the next week or so.

I have goats due anytime now so I have started midnight barn checks to keep an eye on everyone. I have three does bred for early March, two who are first time moms, and one doe bred for later in the month. Dahlia, my oldest Pygmy doe was with the buck, but so far aside from being chubby (which is normal for a Pygmy anyway) she's showing me no signs that she is bred, so time will tell.

I'm very excited and very nervous as usual. I think I'm always more stressed out than they are. While I'm tired and not as strong physically, it feels so good to be walking up to the barn by the moonlight in the brisk air once again. It feels... normal. It reminds me I am still me, and things are still moving forward, the seasons, the days, that there are exciting times coming again. Life is still moving forward.

There are a few things on this on this farm, in my life, that make me feel like I am surrounded by magic. OK, there are more than a few, but a few that every year never get old, never seem just normal and basic, but always seem like suddenly I've been transported to a fantasy world. Walking to the barn at midnight in the cold snow, without a lantern because the moon is lighting my path... being greeted at the gate by my big dogs to walk with me through the snow, that is one of them. My senses are heightened, my mind is at that time (unlike the rest of the time) completely silent. I feel most alive, and most happy then, more aware of my blessings, my surroundings, the elements.

It's a gift. Just as the first time each spring the Whip-poor-will sings outside my window, or the first firefly lights up. Yes it's nature, it's a primal rhythm, but to me, it's also pure magic.

The first night I started midnight checks really freaked Max out. He knew it sounded like me, and smelled like me but he had to really check me over closely to make sure some intruder had not stolen my jammies and was just pretending to be me.

The dogs love it. They love the extra snuggle time and usually a treat, and they always like to show off what good guards they are for me, showing me who can run the fastest.

Cold moon light...

My target date for my two first time Pygmy moms and my Saanen, Brie, is the weekend. But I'm anxious about all of them and checking relentlessly because you never know. Aurora and Firefly are for sure pregnant, and nicely bagged up. Fireflies babies are making a lot of fuss, and I think she's closer than Aurora. Their sister, our midget Puffin, of course was not bred as she's way too small still.

Every evening at bedtime, the dogs get a special treat either before dinner, or with their dinner, and every night they get pretty excited about it...

They appreciate variety as well.

They love winter and actually do best in the cold. They have a house to go in of course with bedding and both of them use it from time to time, but this is their favorite time of year. I think Flavious has more hair on him than the sheep do!

We've really been lucky the last few nights with great sunsets and clear nights.

Last night of course the moon, and Juniper, were pretty awesome.

Flavious under the moon...

Today, it has been overcast and quite damp. Now it's snowing. We are supposed to get 5 inches but the weather man hasn't been right many times this year, so we'll see.

I washed my hair with a new shampoo... I switched from my usual lime to a coconut and everyone was pretty interested in checking it out. Lavender climbed on my back to get a good whiff of it...

And then Dahlia who always grabs and sucks on my braids....

CUT MY HAIR!

She has never actually snipped it before, but today she cut almost the entire end of one braid off. It actually took me a second to realize what happened as I stared down at the hair in my hand.

If you want a hair cut, she's now accepting new clients.

Since the bucks are not hormonal anymore and are completely calm, Henrietta, the hermaphrodite has taken over as herd leader. Since I lost Sammy, my heart goat, last winter, things in the herd have been different. He was the boss of everyone, and he ran a tight ship. But since he passed no one has taken his place so it's kind of up and down as to who is in charge or who is being the most bossy on any given day.

Henrietta has tried to rise as the leader on a couple of occasions which is interesting because she is usually picked on by everyone. Henrietta's male hormones actually are stronger than her female, but since she looks more female or at least did when she was born, I've always referred to her as "her." I know, it confuses even me.

Anyway, she has never won the position, but with the bucks being real suck ups without their hormones raging and the females not caring right now, she is currently bossing everyone around. Puffin is the love of her life so she spends most of the time following her around.

Rollie is just content to watch movies and snuggle inside where it is warm. At least until the grass is visible again.

I promise to write, even when I don't feel as inspired, because I think it's important for me, and I'm so grateful for all of you, for caring, for reading, for sharing in my world here. And with hopefully many tiring but great days ahead on the farm, I'll have much to share!

This evening at the farm...

2015-01-09T17:36:00.002-05:00

We've had a couple of cold days and have accumulated a layer of ice over the snow, a lot like last winter but with not nearly as much ice, or snow. As I mentioned in my last post, our deer herd has changed dramatically this winter and even some of the deer we had in past couple of weeks have left. We have a handful however, whom are staying at the house for food and safety, and also seven Wild turkey Toms whom are roosting above my chicken coop at night and spending the day in the yard and around the house.

The deer bed down across a small creek from our house. We can see them well from our bedroom. It's the hill behind where this Doe is standing.

I was watching her nibbling the trees when her fawn appeared...

He rubbed his head on her, and nudged her...

Then stood behind her while they figured out if it was safe to stay. Kevin & Jim were on the back porch of the house loading more wood into our firewood storage and the deer could both hear, and see them.

They decided they were not worried about it, and went back to nibbling on this tasty tree...

Then the baby decided to start heading for the yard...

But it was awfully slippery, as you can see the ice on top of the snow. Sometimes he broke through when he took a step and other times...

There was a lot of sliding going on... it's really hard for the to walk on, and easy for them to hurt themselves on right now...

It was kind of like being on ice skates...

I was kind of holding my breath through some of the slides...

The last slide got him off the ice and onto the snow, but he slid quite a ways. I wish I had the video camera on.

We have one doe and fawn, an orphan fawn, and one buck. The orphan fawn as usually happens has taken to traveling with the buck, which will help him get through the winter alive having someone for guidance and safety.

Kevin pushed snow out of the way for the little dogs to have a bigger area to pee, which they appreciated...

But they already know to get it done fast and then RUN home!

It sure is beautiful. It's also warmed up. We did get to -17 degrees F the night before last, which was our coldest yet. It's warmed up to 17 degrees above right now and it's been snowing this evening.

Everyone is tucked away, warm and safe. The wood stove is roaring in the house and it's over 75 degrees F in here which is how the little dogs, Kakarikis birds, and I like it. Plus I have an enchilada chicken casserole in the oven I made with hot green chili sauce which is no doubt going to warm us up further. My efforts to cool it with sour cream didn't work very well. So we'll be warm, inside and out!

Saying goodbye to December and 2014

2014-12-30T17:50:00.002-05:00

It has been a super busy month for a number of reasons, off trip farms, farm work, wood gathering, and my butt being kicked by medication hasn't helped.

It's also been the strangest December I remember in a while. We had no snow for Christmas - NONE. And we've had temperatures in the 40s F, close to 50! It's been completely insane. We did have a little snow earlier in the month, by Christmas it was raining and the snow was gone. We have a slight dusting right now, but it barely covers the ground AND the ground hasn't even been frozen!

I remember Decembers with no snow, but not one with so much mud.

As of last night the cold is starting though. I don't mind it, it's been nice for working outside but I am a little worried since the animals actually started to SHED. The goats shedding really worried me, Hopefully the cold comes and slowly builds so they can remember it is still winter.

Dahlia says what? It's not really April?

I hope everyone had a lovely Christmas with the people they love. We enjoyed a really nice celebration for the Winter Solstice...

Our meal for Yule: sun bread, vegetables and pork en croute.

It was actually very reflective and relaxing.

As for Christmas I made us a prime rib with all the fixings and our favorite egg nog pie.

As we kept checking the temperature in case we were imagining it.

And I even found some elves!! Puffin makes the perfect elf...

And Peter, he wasn't sure he wanted to be an elf at all... but he tried it.

Even Rollie tolerated a little Christmas cheer. He's not big on dress up although he does fully approve of eggnog.

Of course he also approves of cookies too, which I made a whole lot of! This is the first year I did not send out Christmas cards mainly because I just didn't have the energy this year, but also because of cost. I did mail cookies though, and was surprised they held up well on their way to their destinations.

Otherwise there has been a lot of resting going on around here...

And still lots of knitting...

I'm doing chores when I can. No two days are the same for me still energy wise but I'm so grateful for all I can do and am doing. I'm just continuing to take it one step at a time, one day at a time.

Now I'm going to share some pictures from the past couple of weeks, most of the time when we did have our snow!

Lavender growing like a weed...

Flavious very happy. Winter is his favorite time of year.

Rollie racing home after a walk...

Santa Rollie visiting Jackson

My happy boy coming to greet me on my way to the barn for evening chores.

Everyone more than ready to call it a night and go inside to bed...

This is one of my favorite pictures from December, walking home after evening chores, following my goat path towards the house lit up with Christmas lights.

Someone decided to slack off during the holidays and gave us a mini egg. It was still delicious though, so it was O.K. It was the holidays after all!

Here is Aurora and Brie the other day, with the snow gone.... Just before Christmas we made a five hour trek to pick up a milking stand I bought from a 7 year old boy who builds them with his dad. He was trying to save some money to buy toys. I used the money I had made selling some of my fingerless knit gloves to buy the stand from him, and he used the money to go to Toys R us. Everyone was happy with that deal! :)

This will be the first time I'll be milking Brie if all goes well, and it's going to be an adventure. I haven't started working with a new milking goat since 2009. I did not need a stand with Biscuit, but I know I will with Brie and Bea, my other two dairy girls, and it will be easier on me probably as well.

It was a long drive to get the milking stand but it was worth it. It was a great family selling the stand and a great kid - he handled all the dealings with the sale and I was impressed at the lessons his parents are teaching him. I don't even like kids - but this guy won me over.

Before we left, he came back from the house and gifted us with a pack of smoked sausages from their own pig for Christmas. They were super delicious. I called his mom to let her know I appreciated it and also to commend her for raising such good kids. She told me she appreciated it because it's very difficult and trying and I have no doubt. I couldn't do it, but I haven't seen a kid of that age be as polite and motivated in a very long time.

Our deer situation continues to be nothing like it has been the 10 years I've lived here. Most of our herd is gone. It's actually quite heartbreaking. For 10 years we've had the same deer come back - and over the years we loose some but we've always had regulars. Our faithful friend Torn Ear we did not expect back considering he was 11 or 12 years old and had so many injuries the past few years, with loosing his eye and being torn up the past two years. But our Deer Norman showed up only briefly with his antlers all broken off, and all of our does are gone.

Only one of our bucks, Leo, made it through hunting season and visits us, and we also have a couple does with fawns and one orphan fawn. We always have at least one orphan fawn show up after hunting season to hang around here for safety and food. It's reassuring they are not ALL gone but their behavior has changed dramatically too.

Every year they sleep around the house, they do not run from us, and they feel safe here. This year they are terrified of everything - and I mean everything. They are in a constant state of fear and ready to run. Last winter between the ice, wolves, and this hunting season sure took it's toll. I hope some day things will return to the peace we had here before and in the meantime I'm grateful some of our friends have returned. But we are still shocked at how dramatic the change has been in their behavior and patterns.

We spoke to our local game warden after hunting season and he acknowledged the deer population has dropped dramatically and the rules need to be changed again to support more conservation, but so far the Government hasn't done it. That's not be anti hunting - although we do not hunt, but we know this area well and the populations and what they have been through - and the deer need a break so that we do not loose the population entirely. Hopefully people will realize that before it's too late.

So far it has been an easy winter on them though, so that will help.

I do not believe in New Years resolutions. But I am grateful to be starting a new Year, and I am hopeful and looking forward to everything it brings. It's been a hell of a year. Lots of painful things have happened on our farm, just like everywhere else. But also plenty of beautiful, breathtaking, moments that remind us what life is all about and what is really important. Both carry lessons, so both are gifts in the long run.

To be honest, it's been so hard to get back into writing. I want to write, it's in me to write, but it's been so long since anything was routine or "normal" for me. And since I'm still so tired all of the time, and things are so up and down, it's hard to find a flow, and to find my voice. When I was writing steadily and not as sick, it was so much easier blogging, sharing my life and thoughts with all of you because it just flowed so easily for me.

There is no flow yet. There are sparks of creativity, of excitement, of normalcy, but it's not consistent. It's so easy for me to start something and not be able to finish it - including my train of thought, which is why writing has been hard for me. The way back for me, will be writing at the very moment things happen and maybe writing less at a time, which was what I used to do. Now I wait, and time goes by, and feelings change, memories become faded or distorted. I cannot tell you how many emails I have started in the past months, simple emails that were just basic, nothing stressful, and I cannot even finish them. The fatigue is sometimes so consuming I forget what I was even doing at certain times, simple times, like in the middle of cooking dinner.

But I'll get there, I'll get back to myself, writing will become easier, and things will flow again, I know they will. It will take time and I appreciate your patience with me and support as I go through this journey. I always ask Kevin to check my posts and the past few posts I've questioned posting. I want to at least share pictures and updates but It's a struggle for me and I hate that my voice and my writing just isn't "right." It always amazes me when I've had readers who have become friends through blogging tell me, they could tell something was wrong with me or off just simply because of my writing... that has touched my heart very deeply to know that people can know me in that way, that they pay that much attention, or care that much.

Kevin said, no, this isn't like your usual writing, but it's an update, and also he said, if I do not share this part of my journey with you all, I'd be going against my own purpose of having a blog. I wouldn't be being honest if I saved only my best writing to share with you. And he's right. So for a while, my posts might be different, my voice might be a little quieter or it might crack once and a while...

But I hope eventually, or rather, I know eventually, it will come back loud and clear.

Cheers to each one of you, thank you for your support and I look forward to starting a New Year with you! :)

Hello December!

2014-12-02T19:35:00.001-05:00

This morning I woke up to find just a sprinkle of snow dusting the ground. We did get snow in late November but then it quickly all went away again. It's been a busy couple of weeks and I've been taking each day as it comes and trying to remember to take each day for what it is, and nothing more. And just be grateful for it.

It was cold today, but the sun was shining. So far our weather has been very reminiscent of the year Braveheart (Lambie) our blind ram was born. On the 5th he'll be eight years old! I can hardly believe it. That winter we had no snow until the end of January and even then, only a tiny bit. The ground was bare all of December and I remember taking Lambie outside on Christmas day to visit the "animals" at the barn which freaked him out since all he knew was the house, his play pen, and dogs.

After chores, me and the small boys went for a walk to take advantage of the nice day...

We walked through the thick bush a bit as I was hoping to stumble upon some deer antlers. But I had overdressed and it was hard to walk with my heavy coveralls on, so we worked our way back out to the trail where the walking was a lot easier.

Rollie was not thrilled as you can see, when I asked him to sit for a photo. He loves running so it's hard to get a picture of him outside that's not a blur. What a look I got!

In the maples I decided to sit down and take a break and just enjoy the crisp air and sunshine.

It was perfect... except I could barely get up because of my layers. I was dressed for snow even though we don't have any. But Norman enjoyed using me as a comfortable bed for a while anyway.

This weather is perfect for walking, cold but sunny and with the ground nice and firm...

The boys LOVE their walks.

Last week we walked in an area I had not been to in a long time. Last summer the dam went out so it was interesting to see the new much bigger dam that the beavers have built quite a way back from the dam that got busted.

That red grass Rollie is running in used to all be under water and part of the pond, and the dam was where that black spot is behind Rollie, one part of the dam on the right side remains, the rest of it got pushed out. It took out a lot of trees as the water rushed down the creek. We are not sure what caused it to go since it happened in August when we were in Texas.

I haven't walked along the creek in ages and I wasn't planning a big walk, but we ended up walking for a few hours. It was a BIG walk and it was rough on my body but it felt so good to be out in my forest, hiking, and it's really the only time I feel completely content and peaceful.

My mind rarely shuts up, but in the forest I naturally meditate without even trying. The only thing I focus on with my eyes and mind is the world around me.

That day there was a thin layer of ice over the pond and I had to keep yelling at Rollie to stay off it since he didn't know better. He wanted to get out there and run so bad.

It's hard to believe a week ago it looked like this...

We didn't have a ton of snow and it was nice walking snow, fluffy but firm enough it was great for getting around in.

The goats were not thrilled about it however...

Even though the weather was still beautiful they didn't really see any reason to be outside.

Bedtime is always a favorite time of day but especially this time of year!

Mostly I think it's got to do with the treats though...

I thought for sure the snow would be here to stay, but it left almost as quickly as it came.

After we came home from our walk today, I put some beef and barley stew on and made a batch of cookies for the guys. They spent the afternoon out hauling in rounds of wood they had cut from the forest to the wood yard. I make cookies for them pretty much every day they work outside. I wish I could be helping with wood, I tried to talk Kevin into cutting smaller rounds so I could lift them but we both know that's not a good idea for me to be doing yet. Well it's not just a bad idea, I can't physically do it. But a girl can dream. Someday I'll be back at it.

I have been knitting up a storm still and have knit several scarves, some for gifts, some I'm hoping to sell...

But I needed a break from that and I wanted to accomplish something new today, so I took the plunge and pulled out all my tools and made a batch of soap. I have had everything I needed for a while now, and I've been freezing goats milk and keeping it aside for soap making. I haven't been able to tackle it because my health has been so unreliable I was worried that I'd start a process I couldn't stop and not be able to continue because of pain or fatigue. Well today I went through all my basic notes (I've researched a ton, but sometimes you need to not over load yourself with information and just get to the facts.) I've made lots of lotions, bars, candles, etc, the only thing I haven't done is work with lye.

The weather was great so I did the lye work outside with my frozen goats milk ice cubes and everything went fine. I had all my protective gear on, I had no splashes, no spills, the lye did not jump up out of the pot and grab a hold of my throat or burn the house down.

So at that point I already felt accomplished.

It's funny how lye is so terrifying to us now when how many homesteading women used it every single day without any protective gear at all? The main thing with using lye is just common sense, protect your skin, and eyes, but also, just don't be stupid. It's that simple really.

I used coconut, olive, and pumpkin seed oil in my soap and added some honey and oatmeal. I wanted to keep it basic as I figure out what the heck I'm doing. But learning is in doing, not just reading or thinking about it.

I started teaching myself to knit years ago. And just in the past two years did I really start properly understanding the foundations of why you do things in knitting, how the patterns are formed, and how to build things. I figured this out not because of all the books I've read or videos I've watched (which of course were the foundations and very useful) but I learned this from just doing it. You actually start to understand the process better, why you are doing certain things and what those certain steps will lead to.

After blending my soap with a hand blender, I put it in some milk cartons I had saved for this purpose and set it aside. I wasn't going for looks with this batch, I just want it to work. In 24 hours if it sets up as it's supposed to, I can take it out of the mold, slice it, and then let it cure. We'll see what happens. Maybe it worked. Maybe it didn't. But the point is, I did it.

Finally I felt that sense of accomplishment that I have not felt in so long. Sure I cook A LOT almost everyday. I've been finishing knitting projects like a crazy person. But today I felt like I actually really accomplished something, and that made me feel great. I know I'll rest well tonight and I can't wait to hopefully cut the bars of soap tomorrow so I can let them cure!

I'm amazed December is already here, it seems like it arrived so quickly. But I'm grateful for it, and despite things I'm still dealing with, I'm a lot happier and stronger this December, and I can see how far I've come. I am also looking forward to how far I can go - and that is something I hadn't been doing for a couple of Decembers now.

This year, I welcome December with an open heart, a ton of knit clothing, and maybe some good moisturizing soap!

November comes...

2014-11-14T14:14:00.001-05:00

And November goes, with the last red berries, and the first white snows.

With night coming early, and dawn coming late, and ice in the bucket, and frost by the gate. - Clyde Watson.

November has always been one of my favorite months. I love this "in between" time. I enjoy the crisp mornings, the frost, and first fluffy snowflakes that fall from the sky. Usually November is a great month to work outside here. The odd year like last year we got quite a bit of snow very early but usually November doesn't bring us very much of it, it gives us a nice firm ground, gets too cold for the ticks, and is cool enough for hard work like cutting wood. We don't bring our wood in around here in the summer or even September like a lot of people do. The forest is covered with ticks, and tons of flying bugs at that time still, and it's also way too hot. October and November are the best months for heavy outdoor work, and although it gets cold, I always love how moody November is. She's temper mental and maybe reminds me of myself.

Things on the farm have been busy but going well. I have started back to doing part of my chores after a year. This past year feels like such a daze to me. Of course I still need Jim to lift water bucks for me and clean pens, I cannot do that kind of physical work without inflicting a lot of pain on myself, but I am feeding, I am getting a bit more routine and a little bit stronger. But it's slow going. I'm very tired and it's easy for me to loose focus or become forgetful. My Doctor reminded me the other day that on top of everything else, my surgical fatigue alone is going to last quite a while. I know that, and I'm doing my best to pace myself and just be grateful for any and all improvements. If I'm being honest sometimes I feel a little traumatized by the past year and my last two surgeries. I am so grateful for them and the fact my pain is so greatly improved or gone - but I'm just plain worn out still is all. But I know that will come to pass. I found a good Doctor in New York State to take care of my more basic health needs and management too, which makes me feel so much better. I do not need to worry about returning to my Doctor here who has told me repeatedly to "pretend this isn't happening to me." I don't have to fight so hard anymore to get help, and I'm trying to learn that, and move forward from it.

I had a general check up and physical with my new Doctor this past week and my heart rate was through the roof as was my blood pressure. It always is at appointments, and although this was a general check up and nothing stressful, my anxiety was ridiculous. But he listened to me, helped me, and there was no problem. I have to learn that hopefully all those bad Doctors who do not listen and did not care are behind me now. I can finally turn the page on that chapter of my life and move forward knowing it will be OK.

I cannot even express how good it feels to have even a little bit of myself back. Max is awfully glad too.

The animals have been adjusting OK to the cooler temperatures. They have put on nice winter coats and no one is lacking for food. Of course it hasn't snowed yet either. I'm sure won't appreciate the first morning they come out to find snow on the ground.

Lavender has never seen snow so it will be interesting to see her reaction. She is growing like a weed!

Puffin is keeping adorable and... round. It's a shape.

Got cookies?

Buckwheat is keeping nice and stinky! The bucks rut has slowed down but both boys are still in it. I look forward to having his nice silky white beard back when it's over!

I'm amazed at how many nights so far we have not needed a fire. We were heating much earlier last winter, not that I am complaining.

Our current wood stove is aging but holding up well enough, it's always taken good care of us. But Kevin managed to get a great deal on a bigger wood stove, a Napoleon, which are great stoves. It also has an ash box which is nice, it might help cut down on some of the ash in the house. I'm not sure if we'll install it this winter or not, but it's here now and if our old one gives up, we have a backup.

The dogs love walking this time of year and don't mind wearing their coats, unless it's this one. Rollie hates the hood on this coat but I think he looks adorable! And the dirty looks he gives me just makes me find it ever funnier.

It's always hard to adjust to it getting dark so early though. The animals go in the barn at 4:30 right now and it's completely dark by 5 and that's changing every day.

Last night on the way home from the feed store we had our first real snow, it was just a dusting but it's the first time we've actually had anything stick to the ground. No matter how much I will complain about the snow and cold every year, I love it when it snows, especially the first ones... I can't help but feel the same excitement I did as a little girl when those big fluffy flakes fall down from the sky. There is something a little bit magical about it, even if later in the season it will make life harder, sometimes it's worth it for the way it makes you feel even if it's only for a few magical moments.

The boys have the same love/hate relationship with it. Fun to play in, but kinda cold!

They will not wear boots, no matter how I try to convince them, they get annoyed enough at wearing a coat. You'd think they'd appreciate a nice coat/ pair of boots more, but the Wawas like to pretend (for a very short period of time) that they are big tough dogs... then they just ask me to pick them up.

Since I still need a lot of down time but am too hyper to relax like a normal person, I've been doing a lot of knitting. I have a bunch of finger less gloves/arm warmers for sale if anyone is interested... They are great for Christmas gifts/stocking stuffers. I have the longer style which are also arm warmers and the shorter style which have a stretchy top/bottom and go just above the wrist. I take Paypal and they are $10 each with $3 shipping in the U.S. and in Canada, just email me for rates. I've been trying to get my Etsy shop up and running in between other chores too, so hopefully soon.

Today I am working inside while the dogs sleep by the wood stove. The guys are out cutting wood and taking advantage of a decent day.

I hope everyone has a warm and beautiful weekend!

One of many Miracles

2014-10-28T20:36:00.002-04:00

Today, one of my oldest rabbits and friends, Miracle passed on. She was such a gentle soul, and I'm grateful I was able to offer her my love and care. She came to us in early 2008 when I took in 23 rabbits from a large rescue of about 300 rabbits the SPCA did... someone running a breeding farm had abandoned all the rabbits and they were starving in their cages and a mess. Miracle had a bunch of babies she could not feed because she had no milk from not getting enough food of her own. I bottle fed the babies, and still have two of them here, Peter and Yukon. Miracle was a very sweet girl and even litter trained herself because she did not like being dirty - probably coming from living in such an icky situation.

She was elderly and it was very peaceful crossing, but still, this was a hard one for me. I will miss her. Jim dug a grave for her today in our cemetery and I stood under an Aspen tree that stands over so many of my dear friends... it was quaking, the leaves blowing gently in the still warm autumn wind, like the many whispered prayers and goodbyes I have said there.

Looking back at pictures of her arrival distracted me for hours. I got completely caught up in the memories of so many animals, many passed, some here still but much older, that I felt both sad, and happy at the same time. Sadness for the many times I've had to say goodbye, but so much happiness for the love and joy that radiates through so many of our pictures, and memories. I can mostly look back with all love now. Time heals and reminds you to focus on the good, and the gifts you received from it that you will always have. But I still can't do that with Sammy. It's going on a year since he left me and my heart is still just as broken as before. Sometimes healing takes a lifetime, but it's important to not overlook the love, and the way it made you feel, and how it helped you grow.

I felt stronger today than I have this past week, and I was grateful for that. Yesterday we ran some errands in the city and Kevin had his annual heart tests done (which he passed with flying colors!) Our favorite grocer/friend gave us some pumpkins to bring back to the goats, and also some produce scraps which every one had a bit of, mostly the turkeys. Max was more interested in just getting a belly rub.

Then we also had a nice walk, the dogs, Jack, and I.

It's hard to believe but Rollie is now TWO years old! Douglas also turned 5 this week. Seems like yesterday both of them were just tiny babies.

We have been enjoying the strangely warm weather here and trying to keep up with our chores in preparation for winter. I have been slowed down the past few days so I was able to work on some knitting, which the dogs didn't mind...

But I do need a bigger chair, although I'm not sure it would help.

I've really been enjoying knitting boot toppers and lots of fingerless gloves... with my faithful assistant.

We have only needed a fire a few times so far. The Chihuahuas cannot wait until the fire is going all the time, it's their favorite thing no matter how warm it is outside.

We've also been enjoying the last of the color. This picture of Beatrice is one of my favorites from this year.

Our deer are starting to come around but many of our friends, deer we know and have named, have not shown up. Last winter was very hard on them. We also have a cougar in the area which doesn't help, and although the population is suffering and it's well known, the Ministry is not adjusting the hunting season again this year, keeping a longer season.

For 10 years I have watched and got to know the patterns of the deer here, and especially the deer we know well and some even by name... and since last December everything has been thrown out the window and is still changed. Patterns are disrupted, many deer are gone. But I have great faith a balance will return. I have to.

We have had some really amazing weather, sunsets, and colors this month.

Now that the leaves are almost all gone we can start spotting our Porcupine friends easier too. Yesterday evening coming home from the city around 6:30, we saw two Owls on our road as well which was a real treat.

Every season has it's wonders, but autumn is full of such bright colorful beauty, and then such quiet, reminding us that a time of rest is coming.

The guys also managed to get another planting of garlic in a few weeks ago - and we just got some more seed garlic yesterday to put in as Insurance... the first planting sprouted because it has been so warm, so they had to bring over additional straw to cover it up to protect it from the frost and snow that will be coming, possibly starting this coming weekend.

We've been getting lots of interesting things on our trail cameras lately, and this is one of them. He passes through regularly and we have consistent pictures of this bear, but this one he stopped to look at the camera. He's a really nice looking bear.

I doubt he'll cause any trouble. The real problem is the three juvenile raccoon's living under our porch. They have been here since August when they either lost their mom, or she kicked them out... but they seemed too young to be kicked out. They have been here ever since, and run around together in their little group. I lie in bed in the evening and listen to them outside the bedroom arguing. Several times now I have broken up fights outside the bedroom and on our back porch, they yell at each other, fight, and throw things at each other. It's like having unruly children.

I worry about my chickens, whom are locked up at night, but I still worry. But I haven't come up with a good solution yet. I cannot live trap and separate them from each other, when they have only each other and no mother. So I'm being patient for now and we'll see what happens. I'm really starting to wonder though if some evening the dogs are going to come in from an evening pee with three little raccoon's following behind them, acting like they are just part of the dog pack now and should be allowed to sleep in bed like everyone else.

Around here, I wouldn't be surprised.

This week hopefully we'll get some more wood cut. The ticks have been wild, and I mean wild. You cannot step outside the door without picking up a dozen. Hopefully a little cold weather will slow them down. I have a few craft projects I am hoping to work on as well. Today all the rabbits and all the dogs got their nails trimmed, so I think that's a pretty big accomplishment! I'm trying to adjust to doing only so much in a day so I can be productive but not set myself back. To me it feels ridiculous because before I really got sick and my last two operations I would have done 10 x what I am doing in a day right now, but for now I need to learn a different pace and it's hard. But I'm grateful I'm up, doing things, enjoying my animals, walking, and being productive even if it's just one step at a time.

A big lesson I've needed to learn for a long time is not to rush things or be in a hurry. I think nature is trying to beat it into me. Focus on one thing, enjoy that one thing, and drink it all in. It tastes better that way :)

October colors & sniffles

2014-10-14T16:14:00.000-04:00

Well we have been sick! For what seems like forever too. It's been well over a week for me and longer for Kevin. We don't often get flu's and colds since we don't see a lot of people, but one got us this year. Mine went into my sinuses so I had quite a lot of sinus pain for a few days which was not fun. We are still pretty run down and still coughing a lot, but it's trying to break up. It slowed things down considerably around here though and has been beating us up.

Today it is very warm outside, but also very windy so it's raining leaves. But before the winds came and before I got sick, me and the boys were able to enjoy a lot of nice walks.

They love going on walks no matter when, but this is by far their favorite time of year for it.

Especially Rollie's.

Norman likes walking but he's not for running around like Douglas and Rollie. At eight years old, he keeps up well on walks and has bursts of energy but he's not full of it like his younger brothers anymore. He doesn't mind that I need to rest a lot too, he likes the resting part.

One day we walked all the way to our Porcupine creek, one of my favorite spots on the property, it always has been since I first came here. Several of my animals have been buried here and some of my moms ashes even went into this creek. Its a peaceful spot. It's also a far walk there and back - for me right now. I don't think I've walked there and back in the year since my surgery. I've been there in the ATV but not walked since my stamina is so limited. But I did pretty well this time.

We call it the porcupine creek because they have dens in the rock ledges and piles there. It's a shallow creek, and the dogs are used to it and can easily cross it because of all the rocks... They had been back and forth several times during our recent visit there but for some reason Douglas then blanked out and forgot it was water and he just jumped straight in!

And when he landed in it, he just froze and stood there in surprise. I couldn't help but laugh at him.

After a minute he finally figured out standing there wasn't a good idea so he turned around and ran out to shake off, and run around like a crazy dog.

Rollie thought it was pretty funny as he safely watched from the opposite side of the creek.

It was a beautiful afternoon and the dogs and I were so happy to be out together in our forest. Nothing makes me feel as centered, calm, and peaceful as a good walk in the forest, and being able to just sit and enjoy it and it's magic.

I've also spent time with the goaties, who are all doing great and getting nice and wooly as it starts to cool off. My little bottle baby from this spring, Lavender is growing into a real beauty and she's still as sweet as pie.

Aurora

And there has been plenty of cuddle time, which Max enjoys.

We've also had some beautiful sunsets...

And the colors were great. Rollie and I did some extra walking together, some tougher walking off trail which I managed well. It's going to be a while before I can hike like I used to be able to and endure the heavier physical activity but my body is growing stronger and I'm just so grateful to be able to be up and get around again.

And of course I've been cooking! We've had lots of soups, stews, and breads...

And these pumpkin scalloped potatoes which are just about the best thing EVER...

Yesterday was our Thanksgiving here in Canada and although I was sick, I wanted to make sure we had a proper meal. It's my mother in me, no matter what, we must have a proper meal on holidays. It's worth it to me to put the energy out. I made a maple syrup oatmeal pie and a pumpkin pie.

And then the rest of the goods to go along with it. My popovers came out on the first try so I was happy with that! :) And of course the dogs offered constant emotional support and clean up assistance throughout the entire preparation of, and eating of, the meal.

But otherwise we've been doing a lot of this. We are exhausted from this bug. I'm sure mine is taking an extra toll since I'm so recently out of surgery. But we are getting it beat, just slowly.

I hope all my Canadian friends had a Happy Thanksgiving and everyone else a great weekend! Even though we are sick we have been busy getting chores done for winter as much as we can so we don't fall too far behind, there is much to be done in a short amount of time so it's really set us back, but we are working on it. And the weather has been holding well thankfully, but the change is coming quickly.

For this evening it's just leftovers and rest on the menu here.

Easy Pad Thai

2014-10-02T12:02:00.000-04:00

Faye asked me to share my favorite Pad Thai recipe, so here it is!! I use chicken and shrimp in mine, you could easily use pork if you'd like as well. I've made a lot of different Pad Thai recipes and this is by far the easiest while still accomplishing good flavor!

Ingredients

2 Tbs Tamari sauce (you can use soy but I prefer the taste of Tamari which is aged soy sauce, without preservatives which is why I use it, but also I like the flavor better.)
2 Tbs water
2 Tbs creamy peanut butter
3 tsp sweet chili sauce because I love it, but you can also use chili paste (such as sambal oelek)
3 Tbs olive oil
2 tsp minced garlic
1 tsp minced ginger (you can also use about 1/2 tsp of ground ginger if you don't have fresh or prefer)
1/2 cup of thinly sliced vegetables (I use carrot, zucchini, green onion)
2 diced jalapenos with seeds for heat, without for no heat & just flavor
3 chicken breasts trimmed of fat and sliced into thin strips
12 medium peeled and deveined shrimp, cut into chunks
1/4 pound rice noodles soaked in water as per package directions and drained
2 Tbs dark brown sugar
2 Tbs cider vinegar

Also: Chopped cilantro, bean sprouts, chopped peanuts, and lime wedges for garnish.

**I use honey roasted peanuts in this dish because I love sweet, and hot, and they are awesome in this. But you can use regular peanuts if you prefer. I also use fresh chopped parsley instead of cilantro because I don't like the overpowering taste of the cilantro in this, but if you are a fan of it, go for it!!

Also most of these ingredients you already have on hand so I like this recipe for that reason too!

How to make it:

In a small bowl, whisk together the Tamari (soy) sauce, water, peanut butter & chili sauce until mixed well. If the peanut butter doesn't mix in smoothly don't worry about it, just mix it up well.

Then in a large Wok or large non stick frying pan, over medium heat, add the olive oil. Then add your garlic and ginger and let cook 1 minute, until nice and fragrant. Add the vegetables, jalapenos, chicken, and shrimp and stir fry until chicken and shrimp are cooked through. Then add your prepared rice noodles and toss to coat.

Add peanut/spice mixture, brown sugar and apple cider vinegar and toss to distribute. Cook until heated through, 2 or 3 minutes.

Transfer to a serving platter and top with garnishes, peanuts, parsley or cilantro, bean sprouts, or let people garnish their own.

and then, enjoy!!

Oh Autumn, how I love thee...

2014-09-30T20:23:00.003-04:00

This is of course, the best time of year on the farm. Not only is Autumn beautiful, she brings along with her colorful delights, crisp air, less bugs, the harvest, and of course, fallen leaves to play in!

And who doesn't love playing in fallen leaves I ask you? It's one of Rollie's most favorite things! And mine too.

I have been beyond joyful, beyond grateful, that I have been able to get outside with my dogs, play in the leaves, and just laugh, and focus on something else other than my physical pain for a while. Something I had often thought I'd never be able to do again.

I have much healing to do and not all of my pain is gone but it is much improved. It is improved to the point where I can breathe again and where I feel like myself again, my creativity, my dreams, humor, it's coming back and coming out again... and I feel myself waking up inside as if from a long and terrible dream caught between two worlds.

I am so very grateful to these amazing Doctors, Dr. Sinervo and Dr. Dulemba for helping me, for offering me a chance at a much higher quality of life when no other Doctors would, and for dedicating their lives to women living in terrible suffering because of a disease that so little is truly still known and accepted about. If I had not been able to get to them because of Kevin and a lot of perseverance and probably a little magic, I would not have all this hope once again in my heart. The other day I wrote that I had felt a loneliness in this past year like none I had ever felt before. I have lived in isolation for much of my life and I have known loneliness... when you miss human contact, or a loved one you can no longer see, but this was much different than anything I'd ever felt before. It was a loneliness I was not familiar with, and that I did not understand.

I realize now what it was that I was missing. It was not human company, friends, or loved ones passed... It was myself. I was missing Donna, because I felt her absence more than I ever had before. But she has come back to me, and I can feel it. That spark is there again, that girl who wants to drink life in, good and bad.

Just getting on the ground to sit with my dogs and then getting back up, is amazing. I couldn't have done that before without swelling up so that I looked 6 months pregnant and crying as I did it.

I'm not cured of course, but I feel better, I feel stronger, and I have much faith I will continue to feel both, and I'm just so grateful for some relief, relief I thought may never come, that I could scream.

Now back to Autumn, every one's favorite time of year...

Even Norman loves the cool breeze in his hair, the fluffy leaves at his feet...

And the nicest part is, we've actually been able to get out and enjoy it together!

I've been over doing it a bit because I've been so excited to be able to do anything at all, that I can hardly stand myself. Today I have taken it off to completely rest. But it's been a very happy time at the farm. Yesterday and today Kevin and Jim planted 10 pounds of garlic, so it can start to set roots before the frost comes. It's been REALLY warm this week, we are talking in the 70's F and 80 degrees F one day! Today it's actually cooled off enough to start a small fire in the wood stove. I have been busy harvesting what I could, which was quite a lot considering our growing year.

This was just one days harvest of peppers, tomatillos, some herbs, carrots, and cucumbers...

Yesterday I spent all afternoon getting a few dozen bundles of herbs hung up to dry, along with some flowers, peppers, and this falls harvest of garlic (which is so delicious by the way!)

My ghost chili (once the hottest pepper in the world) did grow!

And I properly labeled it and put it away for safe keeping, just in case.

I managed to get some of my banana peppers pickled, candied some jalapenos, and pickled my pimento peppers. I also made a few jars of spiced pickled crab apples which are so darned tasty!

And Kevin found another giant Puffball mushroom, a fall staple round here, but this one was twice the size of my head this time! Enough to feed a small Country I think. If you haven't eaten a giant puffball, they are spongy and really delicious. Inside they have the texture of tofu or cheese, which is really strange, but also great for using in a variety of dishes. It's also one of the easiest wild mushrooms to identify because it's pretty hard to mistake a mushroom the size of your head for something else. Also they are solid all the way through and perfectly white... if they are any other color inside like brown, they are past their prime.

I have also been doing a WHOLE lot of cooking again! It feels so good to be back working in my kitchen. I've been cooking every day. These banana scones with a brown sugar cinnamon glace were pretty tasty...

One of the first things I made after we got home was Pad Thai... I had a craving!

And sweet potato biscuits which are one of my absolute favorite things.

It's been nice to cook again, but not just cook, to be creative, and enjoy it. I've got all sorts of new recipes I cannot wait to try now.

Our last Prairie dog, Olive is doing well but slowing down considerably since the summer and since her friend Nelly passed on. She is the last of our 7 Prairie dogs and is 15 now.

The goats are very happy, they love this time of year and of course they are very hormonal, frisky, and playful.

I never knew Brie could fly but apparently she can!

It makes me smile to see them all running around, playing, be happy...

The bucks of course are nice and smelly but have no access to the girls. Poor Buckwheat won't be getting any action this year, and I haven't decided yet if the Pygmy buck, Barnaby, will or not either. I'm thinking about it, and won't breed until October anyway if I decide to.

Braveheart, our blind ram, is very excited and hormonal. He doesn't get mean but he has been running into everyone because when he gets excited he forgets where he is. When he's calm he can get around everyone and everything just fine- but not when he's hyper. It's hard to believe he will be 8 years old this December.

And my little Ruby the ewe lamb is growing up! She has the sweetest face of all time too.

And of course, so does Puffin... cutest and littlest goat on the farm. When someone was here the other day and I told them she was a year and a half old he choked, he thought she was just a few months old because she is so tiny!

Braveheart (Lambie) does love a good snuggle with his mom. He responds to our voices so he runs toward us when he hears us and away from any strange voices he hears. Nothing freaks him out more than a strangers voice.

The dogs are very happy to be active with me again, but Douglas also makes sure to keep reminding me it is very important to rest... and in his opinion, as much as possible.

I'm so happy to say although I am exhausted, wear out quickly, and need to be careful... I'm so excited about everything again. About living. As crazy as that might sound, but I know it won't to anyone who has dealt with ongoing physical pain. Or emotional for that matter. To anyone in the midst of a struggle, struggling with a painful disease, or a painful heart, just remember that although it might not happen today, or tomorrow, there is always hope, always a way forward even when we cannot see it in our sight.

I'm looking forward to being much more active in blogging again too! And sharing with you guys, and trying new things...

But for now, I'm most looking forward to pulling the apple crisp that is almost done out of the oven and eating it with some ice cream!